Original subtitles

[music playing]

Light bill, water bill, heat bill.

Baby, you know what?

When we move, we need to have all this stuff forwarded

to CJ's house, how about that?

What is this from?

I don't know, but if it's a bill, I'm not paying it.

Oh, it's from the Homeowners Association.

We don't owe them any money yet, do we?

No, baby.

It's probably just the HOA guidelines.

Ella, please.

I don't even need to see them.

I can't follow the ten commandments,

how am I going to follow them?

Well, baby, well, the HOA president

will probably expect us to follow all of these rules,

babe.

Yeah, well you tell the president

I'm not learning nothing, OK?

They need to read up on Curtis Payne,

the man, the myth, the legend.

Legend?

Ha!

I got your legend.

Right, you know what?

I'mma ship your little attitude over to Alaska

never to be heard from again.

How 'bout that?

Oh, I'm so scared.

CURTIS: I bet.

- I'm so scared. - I see you shaking.

- You way over there, though. - What you--

- Now you over there. - [inaudible]

CALVIN: Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey!

TOGETHER: Winning!

Ahh!

Yes!

The restraining order has been lifted.

CURTIS: Oh, good. - Hallelujah.

And then they had to dismiss the case because there

wasn't enough evidence.

I bet you could hear her face crack on the floor

clear across the court room.

No, no.

Tracie didn't even show up.

It was just her lawyer.

Mm-hmm.

She knew better than to bring that little white, fake,

chihuahua coat back up in there--

Oh, Miranda.

Miranda.

Yes, Ms. Ella.

OK.

OK, tell us everything.

Well, the lawyer said that Tracie agreed to give

us Calvin JR on his birthday.

ELLA: Oh.

Only catch is that all communication

has to go through you.

Oh, please.

If I get to see my grandson, then I will communicate any way

Tracy wants.

MIRANDA: Yeah.

- Oh, you hungry? - Always.

Then go home.

So, where you taking little man for his birthday?

You know, we haven't thought about it yet.

Oh, what about Six Flags?

It's a waste of money.

He's not tall enough yet to even ride the rides.

Well, what about the aquarium?

He had fun when he went down there, didn't he?

Mm-hmm.

Thank you, baby.

Until someone screamed they were hungry

and wanted a fish sandwich.

Who did that?

Who did that?

What?

Aquariums make me hungry.

So what?

Hey, why don't we throw him a birthday party?

You know what, baby?

We should.

We can invite all his old friends from daycare.

Awe, that sounds like a great idea to me.

To me too.

Especially if it's not over here.

Thank you.

Why are you being so nice to me today?

What do you want?

You better stop.

You got 30 minutes to stop, K?

[music playing]

[sirens]

MIRANDA: We're going to have clowns as the theme.

Kids love clowns.

Kids love clowns, Lord.

Hey.

Hey, babe.

Baby, check this out.

Huh, huh, huh?

Oh, this is good, this is good.

Thank you.

I'm thinking we go with a superhero theme

for his party tomorrow.

Kids love superheroes.

You look ridiculous.

And you look like a unicorn.

[miranda laughs]

[mocks laughs] Kids his age don't even

know what superheroes are.

Uh, excuse me, JR loves Batman.

OK, he does not know the difference

between Batman and Bugs Bunny.

Calvin JR doesn't watch Bugs Bunny.

[phone rings]

And he doesn't eat carrots.

Hey, mom.

What?

Why?

Well, that messes up our plans for his birthday.

Uh-oh.

Whatever.

It's always something.

Baby, what's wrong?

Mom just talked to Tracie's mom,

and they're taking him out of town this weekend.

No, wait, she can't do that.

So frustrating.

Every time we got plans, she always

comes in the way and mess--

Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, listen.

We can still spend the day with him, right?

We had plans.

It's OK.

We will make this happen.

That's right.

We can just move everything up.

And whoever can come, can come.

We will have an amazing party. Right.

Right.

He will just open his gifts a little early

and we will still get to see our son.

That's what's really important, right?

Right.

You know what?

You're right.

Tracie can do whatever she wants,

but she's not messing up my son's birthday party.

No, she's not.

[squeak]

I don't like clowns.

[squeak]

[music playing]

Mm, they're good.

[doorbell]

I can cook.

OK, baby.

We need to make a great impression, all right?

For what?

Curtis, would you get those ribs out of here?

She's here.

And?

Curtis, this is the president of the Homeowners Association.

I want to make a good impression.

Please, don't nobody care about them people.

I don't know why you invited them

over here in the first place.

Quiet.

Hello.

Hello.

I'm Ella Payne.

Bianca Jones?

Bianca Jones.

Welcome.

This is my husband, Curtis Payne.

Very nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Uh, what year you from?

Bianca, I am so glad that you were able to come by.

We have not had a chance to look at the whole book as of yet.

Oh, that's not a problem.

Oh, hors d'oeuvres.

Thank you very much.

Wait--

Are they barbecue?

Barbecue?

Heaven, thank you.

I appreciate it.

No, they're actually smoked.

It's my specialty.

Oh, they're delicious.

Thank you.

Oh, you're welcome.

Please have a seat.

Curtis.

BIANCA JONES: Nice.

We're looking forward to moving in.

And here we are.

We were thinking about putting willow trees in the front yard.

And I'm going to put a barbecue pit in the backyard

with a great, big gazebo.

Sort of like an outdoor living room

with a ceiling fan, white pillars, and a red tile roof.

Oh, did you say white pillars?

Yes.

Well, is it eggshell white or cream?

Oh, we're-- we're not sure.

We didn't talk about it.

Because the association only allows

cream for exterior structures.

OK, well, cream--

well, maybe we could just make cream work.

Well, what-- and, uh, what about the willows in the front?

Yes.

The property I grew up on had bunches of willows.

Just willow, willow, willow--

Well, now that's not going to work either.

OK, well, wait a minute.

Are you going to be living in the house

or are we going to live in the house?

Well, you are, Mr. Payne.

But if you go against the guidelines

of the Homeowners Associations, you're asking for trouble.

They're asking for trouble if they

going flex on Curtis Payne.

No one's flexing on Curtis Payne.

That's right.

But you have to go with the guidelines.

We're very diplomatic.

These are just our policies.

Well, I'm sure that we can find a way

to get what we want without upsetting

the neighborhood or Curtis.

Too late.

Can you view the rest of our plans?

All right.

Thank you.

Oh, you're not allowed to have a sun deck.

You're not allowed to have a red brick driveway.

You're not allowed to have a picket fence.

Don't throw that.

Don't do that, please.

But you're not allowed to have it.

OK.

The So basically what you're saying

is that our dream house could not be our dream house.

Well, if you want to dream here,

you got to wake up and read the guidelines first.

[laughs]

[fake laugh]

Oh, he got it.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Yeah.

Since I'm going to be paying the mortgage

on the house, and not the association,

how about we go by my rules?

[fake laugh]

Oh, so you're a tough guy?

You think you can intimidate me?

Yeah.

Well, you can huff, you can puff,

but you can't blow this house down.

I've bout with the toughest.

- Ms. Jones. - Yes.

Bianca.

Yeah.

Some of our requests are just not negotiable.

Well, you're not going to get a contractor.

We won't get a contrac--

OK, let me tell you what I don't appreciate.

I don't appreciate anybody coming in my house

and telling me what to do in my house.

Well, it's my job.

Well then you need to do your job on the other

side of the front door.

How 'bout that?

Well-- oh, I've been kicked out of better houses than this,

Mr. Payne.

[fake laugh] Whatever.

[audio out]

[doorbell]

OK, OK, everybody.

Come on, come on, come on. - Come on, come on.

All right. Everybody stop.

Stop. Get ready.

[doorbell] - Ready?

Get ready to yell "surprise."

All right.

1, 2, 3--

ALL: Surprise!

I'm not surprised.

I knew y'all was having a birthday party.

Hi, Lil B. Hi, Lil B!

Oh!

Where's mom?

Oh, I tried to call her on the cell phone,

but you know how your mommy is about driving

and talking on the phone.

Oh, cheese fish.

Nice.

Look at all the little kids.

Get Him out the way. Get them out the way.

OK.

Come on, have a seat.

[sqeaking]

Ah!

[doorbell]

Oh, that must be her.

Everybody. Come on, come on.

- He's here, he's here. - Everybody ready?

Ready?

1--

1, 2, 3--

ALL: Surprise!

I'm sorry.

Where's JR?

I'm sorry, Calvin.

I tried to get Tracie to change her mind,

but she just would not let Calvin JR come.

[music playing]

Hey, everybody.

[music stops]

[music playing]

I just feel like the other lawyer was more established.

Yeah, well our packets aren't established.

So my cousin Damon is going to have to do.

Is he even a trial lawyer?

No, but he's a cheap lawyer.

And he's all we can afford right now.

Tell me again exactly how y'all are related.

Well, I think he's my pop's second

cousin's ex-wife's lover's son.

OK, so y'all aren't even related.

[doorbell]

That's him.

Hey!

What up, little cuzzo?

What's up man?

Long time no see, right?

Yeah.

Look at you.

Yeah, I fell off a little bit.

I got--

Hey, man.

Well, this is my wife, Miranda. - Hey.

Hi.

How you doing, sister?

You all right?

This you, cuz?

Oh, yes, sir.

Yeah, so look here, man.

My mom was telling me you was having some baby mama drama.

Yeah, yeah.

So what exactly is your background?

Look, we appreciate you not charging us much,

but, look, Damon, if you can't handle this--

Hey, I can handle it.

I graduated from online law school

and I passed every mock trial I had in class

And I can talk my baby mama down when she

trying to stab me without putting my hands on her.

I got [inaudible].

I'm sure that was quite a challenge for you.

Yeah, well I took an anger management class

and it helped me out a lot.

Dammit!

Oh.

So exactly how many classes did you--

Um.

Oh, I mean, um, cases.

I mean cases have you had?

Well, I really should say, but since we family,

this is my first.

It's going to be crunk, baby.

Well, baby, that's what family's for.

To stick by each other through hard times.

OK, listen.

Tracie is all about power.

She doesn't even care about Calvin JR,

she is just doing this to mess with us.

OK, wait a minute.

Are you just going to sit there and eat jelly beans,

or are you going to take a pen out and take some notes?

Go ahead, woman. I'm listening.

Well, she's not just using Calvin to mess with us.

She's--

If that was the case, she would let you see him.

Hey, you should listen to your girl, man.

They be right some time.

MIRANDA: See?

Oh, some-- what?

I got two baby mama's I know about

and they used to always try to pull this type of stuff

on me before law school.

That's what happens when they ain't scared of you.

Oh.

Oh, candy corn you got over there?

I'm going to eat it.

OK, listen.

Kids need to be with someone who's stable,

and Tracie just isn't that.

Oh, sounds like she's a real nut job.

But I bet she was fine as hell.

Wasn't she?

Yeah, she was

Probably was.

No, she was ugly.

Yeah, but, uh, children need a dad in their life.

That's what keep them stable.

That's what-- that's what I'm trying to say.

[phone ringing]

Oh, hold on one second, man.

Excuse me.

Must be business.

Hello?

Yeah.

You called-- he didn't--

it ain't nothing but a broke leg.

I told you, don't call my phone about that baby

unless it's an emergency.

That was my mom.

OK, really Damon? Really?

Yeah, that was my mom.

She be blowing my phone up.

I'mma Had to switch my number up on her.

OK, look, can we please get back on track?

All right, man. Just go ahead, baby.

I'm listening.

I'm trying to--

OK, now what we are asking for isn't unreasonable.

Joint custody.

My son should be able to see his father

just like he sees his mother.

MIRANDA: Yes.

Boy, you colorful as hell.

Hey, but judges eat that kind of stuff up.

MIRANDA: Calvin has done everything right.

And she can't do this just because she's mad that he

doesn't love her anymore.

What are you doing?

Oh, this is great stuff.

Can I use it in my closing arguments?

Hey, man.

I'm joking around, but I'm serious.

Give me a chance.

We'll get a little Calvin JR back home with you.

And by the way, little mama.

I wanted to drink this, but it's not cold no more.

Can you give me another?

[audio out]

We cannot have any more problems, OK?

She agreed to come back over here.

Well, she started it.

And you ended it.

None of the contractors we call will work with us.

None of them.

I'll never get to have my dream house.

Baby, yes you will.

Yes, you will.

Trust me.

Curtis, please put those back.

Put them back for what? No.

Put those back, baby.

Baby, no.

I like them, and she loves them.

And it's part of my master plan.

[evil laugh]

- You know what, Curtis? - What?

[doorbell]

I don't want you to do or say anything.

As a matter of fact, come on.

Yeah, let's get the the door.

No.

Please go into the other room. Just let me handle it.

Baby, we don't have time for that.

Go!

No!

Look, there's no chance. - Shh!

I'm going to make her an offer she can't refuse.

She's right here.

Open the door.

Hello.

So I understand you had a little trouble

getting a new contractor.

Yes, we did.

Come on in.

Curtis?

Bianca? Curtis?

Stop!

Thank you.

Please, have a seat.

Oh, thank you.

We-- we are willing to do everything that the HOA wants.

Speak for yourself.

I understand.

I understand what you were saying.

There are rules.

And I was sitting and I was just thinking,

just early this morning, I was saying

there might be a way that we can just work around those rules.

What's that?

What is that?

It's a gift.

Oh, I can't be bought, Mr. Payne.

Well, I think you can.

And I think you will.

Curtis, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

Baby, I'm getting you your house.

I insist.

Coupons?

Coupons?

I mean, you look like you might enjoy an occasional trip

to the Olive Garden.

I can't accept these.

Although the bottomless pasta bowl is one of my favorites.

No.

Oh.

Look, Ms. Jones.

Look, we've been married a long time, OK?

Mm-hmm.

Well, most of the things that I've given my wife

have not been perfect.

But she's going to get this house.

And it's going to be perfect to make up for all the things

about me that's not perfect.

So if it takes money, I got money, OK?

If it takes coupons, I got more coupons.

But this wonderful woman deserves

the house of her dreams.

And whatever I have to do to get it,

then you better believe I'll do it.

Should've went with the cupcakes.

Oh, oh, that was So sweet.

TOGETHER: Really?

I know.

We-- we could compromise.

I mean, I know it's going to be hard.

You won't get your house that you really wanted.

I mean, you can't put everything together, but I promise you--

OK.

--I'm going to work with you.

Oh, thank you.

I am going to work with you.

Thank you.

Consider this a favor.

And some day, and that day may never come,

I may call upon you to do a favor for me.

Capiche?

Si.

OK, so, what kind of favor we talking about?

I mean--

Well, something along the lines of those ribs.

I mean, that's the reason why I came here.

Oh.

- Yeah, well, here, do it all. - Oh, thank you so.

Oh, I just-- - Consider the debt paid.

Oh, thank you--

oh, this is great.

You know what?

This will be a great addition for the July fourth block

party.

Yeah.

Ahh, yes.

Well, welcome to the neighborhood.

Thank you, thank you.

- This is terrific. - Thank you, thank you.

I love it.

These are my favorite ribs.

Bon appetit.

Curtis Payne, thank you.

You owe me.

Or what?

[music playing]

[audio out]

[music playing]

Don't you [inaudible].

That was an absolute nightmare.

Man, I thought when they assigned Judge Lori,

we had it in the bag.

But it wasn't.

She didn't like us very much.

You know, I must say, you did do a pretty good job today.

I was surprised.

Hey, well I take my job seriously.

I got a lot of child support to pay.

I was thinking, just give me $20 and make the rest of the check

out to Shaquanita Jackson.

Man, this was supposed to be simple.

Yes.

We should have won.

Yeah, but that fire keeps coming back to bite us,

little match girl.

You know what?

Tracie just keeps jerking us around.

Well, now since we have no rights in the court's eyes,

she could keep doing whatever she wants.

And here we are, once again, sitting here, helpless.

Two visits a month?

And those have to be supervised.

I know you wanted more.

But I'm telling you, man, if we just hang in there--

No, there's no reason why I shouldn't be

able to see my son every day.

And if the courts can't see that, then screw them.

Hey, calm down, cuz.

Supervised visits are the first step.

If you play your cards right with this,

we should have no problems.

There wasn't supposed to be any problems today.

All right. OK.

If it's supervised visitation that they're going to give us,

we'll take that for now.

Yes, and they will be the best supervised visits

in the history of supervised visits.

Damon, we're not throwing in the towel.

No, it's far from over.

That's what I'm talking about.

Let's get ready to scrap for ours.

Got--

[laughing]

Hey, baby, you need to go cook now, right?

You know--

[audio out]

[music playing]