Original subtitles

[music playing] Ow!

What was that?

[laughter]

We watch out for that baby, yeah, we do.

[laughter]

Better watch out for you, baby.

That's my baby [inaudible].

That's what it was.

What's up [inaudible]. [laughter]

- What's happening, Floyd? - Hey, yo, is this--

[shouts] Don't touch it!

[laughter]

Hey, that's my special fishing rod.

That thing cost me $100.

Step off.

$100?

Bro, $100 for a stick with a string on it?

Oh, they saw you coming.

[laughter]

[shouts] Get your hands off of it!

RAY SIMMONS: That you, Floyd?

Yeah, man.

I'll be right there.

Look here.

I got somebody I want you to meet, all right?

Look here.

An El Camino is an open-air love machine, all right?

[laughter]

Look here.

This is Ray Simmons, man.

And whatever he's selling, I'm not buying that either.

[laughter]

Look, he just moved in next door at the Fisher house.

What?

FLOYD: Yeah.

You mean, somebody finally bought that old money pit.

[laughter]

It is nice to meet you.

All right. All right.

Good to meet you, too.

Yeah, OK.

Hey, I see you got a titanium baitcaster there.

Hm?

[laughter]

Yeah, that's what it is.

[chuckles] You fish?

Yeah, fishing is my middle name.

What a coincidence.

My middle name, too.

[laughter]

Curtis Big Bass Payne.

[laughter]

[laughs] What he really means is, Curtis Big Ass--

How about if I whip--

[laughter]

--you with my hat, how about that, and drag

you across the floor like that?

[laughter]

You know, I once caught a 3-foot tuna.

Then, I ate sushi every day for six months.

You lying.

Yeah.

[laughter]

Boy, I like the way you lie.

[laughter]

Oh, you know, I once caught a 6-foot marlin.

[laughter]

You lying.

No, that's the truth.

[laughter]

He was there.

[laughter] - Right?

That's just a little lie.

[laughter]

Listen, I was in the Old Testament with him.

[laughter]

Look here, let me tell you something.

I once snagged a 5-pounds snapper.

Last week, as a matter of fact.

What'd you catch it with?

A coupon.

[laughter]

$3.99 a pound, bro.

[laughter]

So what did you catch it with, Ray?

You know, I don't want to brag, but I do have an 8-foot

open-face Swango rod and reel.

Man, don't you hurt nobody with that.

[laughter]

Shut your face, man!

What?

I upgraded my cable.

[laughter]

Please.

[laughter]

You got it like that, man?

Now, you know, that's just how I roll.

Listen, I got an extra one if you want to use it.

Don't play with me now.

Hey, look here, it just so happens I'm

going fishing over the weekend.

Why don't you come over and come with me?

I'm so glad you asked me, man.

Look here, I'm going to bring my boogie board,

and I'm going to bring my sunscreen.

Please.

[laughter]

Oh, great.

Oh, I'm so glad you are.

[laughter]

- I'd love to come. - Done deal.

- All right. - Let's do it.

- Let's do it. - [laughs]

It is on.

Well, you see that I got a little example of my stuff

here. I got plenty more.

I got about six others.

[laughter]

[theme music]

RAY SIMMONS: Well, wait.

Well, wait. wait, wait.

[inaudible]

And then, she said, but that's not how I lost my leg!

[laughter]

Hell--

[laughter]

--where have you been?

You know what time it is?

I have been worried sick.

[laughter] - OK.

I thought you went home.

Why are you still here, Floyd?

ELLA PAYNE: That's what I want to know.

[laughter]

That's my wife. Hey, baby.

ELLA PAYNE: Hey, babe. [laughter]

We were supposed to go bowling.

Excuse me.

Oh, um, maybe I should just go then.

No, you're good.

You sit down, man. - All right.

Sit down.

Have a seat.

If you go ahead and get your ball now,

maybe we can still make it, Curtis.

Come on, man. [laughter]

CURTIS PAYNE: Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

What?

Look, we can do it later, OK?

Maybe next time.

What is wrong with you?

And why is he still over here, anyway?

Ray?

Yes.

Because we want to have a beer over at the Dirty Mermaid.

The Dirty Mermaid?

[laughter]

The Dirty Mermaid?

Are you serious?

Oh!

Come on, man.

That's our special place.

[laughter]

That's the first place where you called me Flizizoid.

[laughter]

Come on.

Are you sure you two don't need a moment?

[laughter]

That's what I want to know.

Baby, I am so glad you have made it home.

You missed me, baby?

No.

Floyd won't leave. - I noticed.

[laughter]

You must be Ella.

[chuckles] Curtis told me all about you.

Hi, you must be Ray.

Floyd has told me all about you.

That's Ray, baby.

That's Ray, the main man, Ray.

[laughter]

And look here, when I tell you he's good people--

- Uh-huh, Ray's good people? - Good people.

Good people. - You know what, Curtis?

You are a lucky man.

He that findeth a wife findeth a good thing.

Now, that is beautiful.

Who said that, Obama?

[laughter]

And he that findeth a good friendeth

is a good friendeth indeedeth, so I've heardeth.

[laughter] - OK.

Now, moveth.

[laughter]

So, Ray, you know the Word.

I read it all the time.

Oh, you should come to our Bible study.

Well, maybe I'll have Curtis come with me.

And maybe not. [laughter]

No, I don't do that. You're on your own, brother.

All right. Well, then, I'll come by myself.

Ooh, Curtis, I like him.

[laughter]

[inaudible]

Would you care for some cake?

Ain't no more cake.

[laughter]

Well, what about some dinner?

He's fasting.

[laughter]

You know what?

I'll come up with something. I'll think of something.

Hey, baby. [blows kisses]

Hey. [laughter]

Where's your restroom?

Oh, come on, let me show you.

It's right in the back here. - All right.

Cool.

Hey, thank you, baby.

[laughter]

There's a bathroom on the corner at the gas station.

[laughter]

Can't let everybody use the bathroom.

[laughter]

Come on in, Ray.

[laughter]

Right back there.

[music playing]

You better jump out, or that boy's going

to rip your arm out the socket.

[laughter]

Oh!

Hey, listen.

You're watching sports.

I'm doing laundry.

We're turning into Uncle Curtis and Aunt Ella.

No. No, we're not.

[laughter] - Yes, we are.

Yes, we are. - Baby, baby.

What?

Can you, um, can you hand me that remote please?

[laughter]

It's literally right there.

Why can't you get it?

[laughter] - You're standing right there.

Come on now.

[laughter]

You see me watching this thing.

I see you becoming Uncle Curtis.

I see me becoming Aunt Ella.

Here you go.

[laughter]

What is that?

This is-- JANINE PAYNE: Yes.

--the Ultimate Championship.

This cost $49.99.

Oh, wait a minute.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

So you can pay $49.99 for some sports stuff,

but when I want to buy a purse, there's a problem.

[laughter]

This dude is bananas right here.

Can I get-- can I get just two seconds right here?

I was thinking maybe we could try to do some stuff together

as a couple.

[laughter]

You, me, do something together.

Dr. Hughes said that we have to take the time to really,

really work on our marriage.

And I am willing to do anything to save it.

So why don't we give this a shot?

Let's just do something you and me.

Huh? What'd you say?

[laughter]

Let's do something together.

Seriously, CJ.

Thank you.

OK.

What you want to do?

We could finish watching this fight championship right here.

[laughter] That would be very nice.

No, I really don't want to see--

I don't want to see that.

You said, you'd do anything.

[laughter] - Point taken.

- $49.99. - $49.99.

[laughter]

Come on.

Let's watch.

But you got to sit right here.

OK.

Ooh.

[laughter]

Oh!

[screams]

That's what I'm talking about. Oh!

You see that? - [inaudible]

- Now, you know what? - OK, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

This dude-- this dude is a black belt--

OK. Yeah.

[laughter] - --in kung fu--

Uh.

--Brazilian jiu jitsu--

- Jiu jitsu. - --and karate.

[laughter] - OK.

This dude right here is a bad dude.

He from Brazil. - Uh--

- He look like a brother-- - Yeah, he's scary.

[laughter]

--but he really speak that, uh, guala guala.

Guala-- [laughter]

- Oh! - [screams]

That's what I'm talk-- that's when

you just take him and flip him.

And he flipped--

Yo, I'm telling you, I'd be trying to learn

this stuff because if I catch a dude

and his [inaudible] me wrong--

I don't think you should learn it.

--I'm going to hurt somebody.

I don't think-- yeah, OK.

I'm going to rip there-- uh!

Yeah, see, this stops.

We got to stop this.

Yeah, we're going to do something else.

- I love this. - No, stop.

[laughter]

I'm going to take a class.

No.

No classes needed.

OK?

What we're going to do is find something else to do together

that won't involve a chiropractor or--

[laughter]

--you know, so what do you want to do?

Something else. Something else.

[laughter]

Uh--

Anything-- no, not that.

[laughter] - Yeah.

Not that.

Something other than that.

Yeah, I like to do that.

We got that down.

[laughter] - Yes.

We're not going to do that.

No.

You know we both like when we do--

You know, eh, uh. OK.

[laughter]

You sit here and think of something

else we can do besides that.

I'm going to go put this laundry away.

[music playing]

[laughter]

CURTIS PAYNE: Better watch out. - All right.

OK. I got everything mapped out.

- OK. - Here we go.

Got the boat launch right here. - Right.

- This is the bait shop I go to. - Uh-huh.

And this-- I can't show you this.

Come on, show me. [laughter]

Come on. - It's super secret.

It's super secret, secret.

There it is.

[chuckles] That's my secret fishing hole, man.

[chuckles]

That's Old Miller's Crossing.

[laughter]

Over by that big oak tree where the beavers build the dam.

[laughter]

How the hell you know about that spot?

I go there all the time.

Hell, everybody goes there. [laughter]

Well, that would explain why I can't catch any fish there.

[laughter] - Don't worry, though.

Don't worry about it, though, because I've got a great spot

for trout fishing right there.

Oh, you know what?

I always wanted to go to that spot.

- [chuckles] - OK.

All right. All right.

We do that. - Yes.

Hey, you know what?

What?

You all right with me, cat.

You all right with me.

I got a little something for you.

[chuckles] Oh.

I got it for Floyd, but I like you better.

I like you. [laughter]

Go reach in and get it.

Go and get it.

You didn't have to do that.

I know I didn't have to.

I just did it.

[laughs]

Huh?

Huh? Look at it.

That is nice. [laughter]

Isn't that nice?

Phew.

Yeah, but actually, this is the one--

[laughter]

--that's the one I had for you. - Oh.

I put the wrong one-- they put the wrong one in the bag.

[laughter] Yeah.

Look at it!

Look at it!

Is that it? That good?

- [laughs] Yeah, that's it, boy. - Come on.

And there I am right there. RAY SIMMONS: Oh, look at that.

[laughter] - Huh?

RAY SIMMONS: Oh. - Where you at with it?

What? Right here.

Where you at with it? [laughter]

Where you at with it?

Let them out.

Ee.

Reel them in.

[laughter]

You know what? I'm going to go outside.

I'm going to get the rods and reel ready, OK?

OK, OK.

I'm got to go find my fishing vest,

and I'll meet you over there. - OK.

OK. OK.

[laughs] Uh!

[laughter]

Bring them in.

[laughter]

Where's that fishing--

[knocking]

Hm, Floyd, what are you doing here?

Curtis, we need to talk, man.

Look, not right now, man.

Hey, me and Ray, we about to head out to the fishing trip.

That's just it, man.

There's something about Ray that you don't know, all right?

Hey, you know what?

I've been meaning to tell you, too,

the jealousy thing don't look good on you, man.

[laughter]

Curtis, I am not jealous of ray, all right?

Got it.

Right in front of my face.

[chuckles] Hey, look here, man, we got

to talk about this later, OK?

No, I'm serious, man.

Look, you need to see this.

What is it?

You are getting on my nerves for real.

[laughter]

Sex-- you brought a sex offender to my house?

[oohing]

[music playing]

Oh, Rizay is ready.

[laughter]

Oh, look.

You got your lucky vest.

And your buddy's back, too.

Yeah.

You know what?

I'm glad you're coming now, Floyd.

I cannot wait to get out on that lake.

Yeah, right.

I brought my special lure because when

I want to catch a fish, I want to use the right bait.

[chuckles]

Yeah, I'm sure you do.

What?

Easy, Curtis.

You are a sick bastard.

Come on.

You're sick.

Curtis, what's going on?

You know damn well what's going on!

Is this you, huh?

This how you do it?

This is who you are?

OK, Curtis, I can explain this--

Explain what?

What you going to explain?

Don't explain nothing. - OK, but I--

I don't want to hear you say nothing!

Yeah, but I really--

Nothing!

They should have locked your ass under the jail.

Now, you get the hell off my property.

And give my hat back.

[laughter]

[music playing]

I want you to take this real serious because, actually, I

was thinking, this is something that we

need to do together more often.

- I was thinking that, too. - Yes, sir.

OK. Now, get yourself together.

You got to stretch up a little bit.

Got to stretch up.

[laughter]

Now, first thing I'm going to want you to do,

we're going to get in there some push-ups, all right?

So I'm going to need you to-- JANINE PAYNE: [inaudible]

--this is called the fly push-up.

We do-- oh!

[laughter]

You just did a belly flop on--

Oh!

All right.

OK. All right.

We're not going to do no more of those.

[laughter]

I thought we were going to do yoga.

How is this--

We got to-- we start with the physical fitness,

and then, we get into the yoga.

Yoga is stretching. Go ahead.

Go ahead. Go ahead with the yoga.

Yoga is harder than I think you--

Go ahead. Go ahead.

Man, I know how to do it.

I seen them people at the gym.

All the girls be in the gym doing the yoga.

I know how to do that. [laughter]

Here we go.

You just made that up.

That's the-- I did not. [laughter]

It's an actual yoga move. - All right.

Well, go ahead. Go ahead, break it down.

[laughter] - OK.

I'm going to need you to focus on this exercise,

not look at what I think you're going to look at.

[laughter] - Come on, man.

I'm following the exercise. Focus.

JANINE PAYNE: OK.

That's an exercise?

[laughter]

This is an exercise.

I like that one.

[laughter]

CJ!

CJ PAYNE: Uh-huh.

Downward Facing Dog.

That's what that's called? Downward Facing--

JANINE PAYNE: That's what that's--

They ain't need to call it that.

Stop! [laughter]

Come on!

OK.

They should have called it Nasty Dog.

[laughter]

[laughs] OK.

You ready? - Yes.

CJ PAYNE: OK.

1, 2, ease into it.

[laughter]

OK.

All right.

Yoga gives you inner peace.

Oh! Oh!

[laughter] Oh.

What?

I just pulled a muscle in my inner thigh.

OK, OK. [laughter]

Oh!

Come sit down.

Oh, it's swelled up.

It's a golf ball.

It's a golf-- oh, it's the grapefruit.

It's going. [laughter]

Would you let me just look at it?

- Oh, damn. - OK.

Oh, I knew I shouldn't have did none of this.

[laughter] - OK.

Wait, wait. Sweetie, just let me look at it.

Oh, damn.

I ain't going to be able to go to work.

You-- [laughter]

--you are so dramatic.

[laughter] OK.

- Do you see it? - I think we're done with that.

Let's find something else to do. Let's find something else.

Let your leg rest.

Think of something else we can do.

Not that.

[latin music playing]

[laughter]

[laughter]

Uh! [bell rings]

Uh-huh.

Uh!

Uh!

Uh! [bell ringing]

[laughter]

Oh!

[screams] I did it!

I did it!

I did--

Oh!

[laughter]

I'm so sorry.

I thought you-- you ain't playing fair.

I'm sorry. I didn't--

You ain't playing fair. [laughter]

[music playing]

I love you.

[laughter]

I love you.

That's what I'm talking about right there.

[laughter]

Oh, man!

The fight is still on. This is [inaudible].

[laughter]

Now, that's how you supposed to-- when

you get him in that-- oh, oh!

This is the other dude.

That dude is Puerto Rican. [laughter]

No, he was Brazilian.

This dude is--

- I thought your hand was hurt. - Huh?

I thought I did so much damage to your hand

that you couldn't do anything else with it.

[laughter] [music playing]

[applause]

Hey, that's all I'm saying.

As president of the Woodburn Housing Committee,

I say, we physically remove him if he won't leave on his own.

Yeah, he gone.

We got to.

Got to run him on up out of here.

OK, Curtis, don't you think this is

getting a little out of hand?

No, baby, look, I don't want him in the neighborhood.

Now--

We should just call the police.

Look, we can't call no police.

We call them, they can't do nothing.

Yes, but we can.

Yep.

We should just handle this ourselves.

- That's right. - Right.

You know what?

We got to send him a message?

Mhm.

Roy and his boys already sent him a message last night.

CURTIS PAYNE: Well, what'd he do?

This is not right.

Yes, well, we about to make it right.

Look, Ella, the man is a predator.

OK.

So what are you guys going to do, go over to his house

and kill him?

I know Ella had it in her.

See, she ain't always been saved.

[laughter]

We don't even know what the man has done.

We know he did something!

That's right. We know he did something.

OK. Wait a minute.

Whatever happened to, he who is without sin

cast the first stone?

Good idea.

Let's go stone his house.

Yes!

Now, wait, hey!

No, that is not what I meant, Ethel.

OK, he has done something bad.

But he may be trying to get his life right.

Well, see, I don't trust nobody like that living

in my neighborhood. - Yeah, me either.

Floyd, so what do you want to do,

just run him out of our neighborhood?

Why not?

Let him be somebody else's problem, right?

How many of you would be run out

of town if your little deep, dark secrets were out?

This ain't got nothing to do with my foot fetish, Ella.

[laughter]

Let me tell you, nothing.

Curtis, this is not right.

Speak of the devil.

All right.

Which one of you slashed my tires?

So you like to hurt kids?

What if we hurt you right here and right now?

[shouts] get off me, old man.

Burt, Burt, Burt.

Calm down now, OK?

Hold on.

There's not going to be any bloodshed on my property,

not on my property.

Take him over to your property.

[laughter]

Take it over to my place.

I paid my debt to society.

Yeah, right.

You tell him, Ella. - What?

I--

[laughter]

[inaudible], Ethel.

This is craziness, and I will not be a part of this.

I'm sorry.

Ray, you need to leave.

Burt, Burt.

[laughter]

Not now.

[music playing]

[crickets chirping]

Boy, you just don't get the message, do you?

I know the drill.

Whenever this happens, I just drive around and wait

for the crowd to go home.

What, you looking for sympathy?

Why?

You've already condemned me.

It doesn't matter what I did.

Look, I have to assume the worst, Ray, because I

have a family to protect.

I don't want to do anything to your family.

I just want to live my life.

Well, then, live your life somewhere else, man.

Here's that rod and reel I said you could use.

Keep it.

Look, I'm not a monster.

I'm still that same guy you wanted to go fishing with.

Look, Ray, you have the right to live

anywhere you want to live.

I'm just saying, if something was to happen to one

of the kids in this neighborhood,

I'm not responsible for what I'd do.

Don't worry.

I already started packing.