Original subtitles

(whimsical music)

- [Man] Beautiful, beautiful.

(camera clicking)

(energetic music)

(photographer mumbling)

- You know what's great about second cock?

- I can't help you there.

- It doesn't taste like wedding cake.

(splatting)

I don't get it, Steph, what's up with us?

- You and me us?

Is this like one of those surprise job evaluations?

Are you giving me a raise?

- That's hilarious.

No, in general, us the gays, our obsession with marriage.

It's so masochistic.

- Maybe that's part of the appeal.

- Tell me I have a cover, Matthew.

Can't have a big gay wedding issue

without a big gay cover.

- It's gonna be great.

- We want the right to be just as dysfunctionally

George and Martha as our parents.

Is that too much to ask?

- These guys don't look like

they're gonna be together forever.

- No, those guys look like they're taking home

the cater waiter from the reception.

- That's not love?

- Not the brand we're trying to sell in this issue.

- Oh, I don't sleep anymore, Steph.

I have the wedding march stuck in my head 24-7.

- That's why you get the big bucks.

- I don't make the big bucks.

- That's why you get big mail.

- No, no, no.

No more invitations.

Hamis and Gunther invite you to rejoice

in the reunion of their souls?

Please.

- Kate and Missy embark on their journey to forever.

Embark?

- Paul and Steven invite you to join them

as love makes them one, aw.

- Seriously, embark?

Who embarks?

- Dave and Owen unite in their destiny.

- John and Juan, they rhyme.

- Jake and Andy, a day of bliss.

- Louise and Rachel.

Ugh, even the invitation is vegan.

- Hang on a sec, Luis.

Here.

- Thanks.

(sighing)

- Why does every homo in town think

we're gonna profile their wedding?

- They're not weddings, they're commitment ceremonies.

And besides, it's not every homo in town.

Some of those are from Sausalito.

And you missed an envelope.

This one's even forwarded from your mom from Arizona.

Alex Golski and Ryan Woodson.

- What?

Gimme that.

(chill music)

(knocking)

- Hey, you boys up yet?

- Dude, answer her!

- [Man] You, I'm busy.

- I'm up, Mrs. Woodson!

- Oh, good Matty, that's good.

- Yeah it is.

- Breakfast is ready, are you guys coming?

- I am!

- Could you get Ryan up too?

And could you tell Ryan that I ironed his shirt?

- [Ryan] That's excellent.

- Oh, good Ryan, you're up too.

Okay I'm just gonna put this shirt

right here on the door for you.

And don't forget you're lay leader at church today.

- Oh, that's excellent.

- Matty, it's so nice when you stay over.

I mean, Ryan's always so grumpy when I wake him up.

- We're walking.

- [Steph] Cum laude.

- [Matt] Come again?

- I graduated cum fucking laude

and you made me tackle the janitor!

- I would have done it myself but this is Armani

and your pants look like they came

out of the trash anyways.

- Coutoure.

I could have been a highly paid marketing consultant.

But no, I chose to work here so that I could be

out and proud.

Grammy Ho was right.

I became a lesbian and turned into a

(speaking in foreign language).

- A what?

- It means garbage collector.

- You have a Grammy Ho, that makes me so happy.

- Great, mock my pain.

- I found him, this is Ryan.

Help me find the other half.

I need to see this Alex guy.

- Nice rack.

Who's the lucky girl?

- [Matt] Oh my god.

(tense music)

- [Steph] Uh-uh, you can't!

We go to print in a week.

We don't even have a cover!

- It's this weekend.

Please come, I need to see you.

He underlined the please.

- Oh my God.

You love him.

- I don't.

- You totally love him.

You wanna wreck the wedding and steal him for yourself.

You are so Julia Roberts

in My Best Friend's Wedding right now.

- This is completely a humanitarian mission here.

If anything, I'm so Angelina Jolie right now

that I wouldn't be surprised if they send me home

with a dusky little baby.

Seriously.

He was my first boyfriend.

He's the one who brought me out.

He's the one who taught me how to give blowjobs.

- And grateful men everywhere applaud that

but you haven't even seen him in like 10 years.

Isn't that in the past?

- Of course.

But I sort of abandoned him.

I always felt shitty about that.

And now look what's happening,

he's gonna become one of those diner guys.

- Diner guys?

Have you been making coffee out of the bong water?

What are you talking about?

- You'll be at a diner or something

and you see that guy.

He's got the three squabbling kids

and the bitter, miserable wife.

He kind of looks over you with that thousand mile stare.

Before you know it, he falls in the men's room,

makes a grab for your dick.

Think of how much better it would be

for everybody involved if someone could just

pull him aside before he's in too deep and say

you don't have to do this.

It's not a sad inevitability.

Besides, he's been stuck in our podunk hometown.

I'm sure he's been drinking constellation six packs

for the last 10 years.

- And you wanna see how fat he got?

- Duh.

(kooky music)

(somber piano music)

Look, I know when we decided to do this.

- When you decided.

- I said I'd help you move at least.

- And that would help out who more?

Me or you?

- This trip just came out of the blue.

I'm sorry.

- Actually it's probably better this way.

I'll be gone before you get back.

- Joey.

♪ The last of your things ♪

♪ Were loaded by three ♪

(zooming)

- Ford Focus.

Reliable, good gas mileage.

Fourth day free.

- What does that say about me?

- I don't know, that you're focused, I guess.

- Do you have anything that says knight in shining armor

or riding in to save someone from making a terrible mistake?

- That's a lot to ask of a car.

- But is it too much to hope for?

- God, I hope not.

(driving music)

♪ Did you hear the good news ♪

♪ Invitations and grooves ♪

♪ I got parties and schedules to keep ♪

♪ This town of plastic ♪

♪ My heart of elastic ♪

♪ Ironically fractures and breaks ♪

♪ And it's just for now ♪

♪ You say, you say ♪

♪ I'll take a picture and you ♪

- Hey dad, nice of you to join us.

Sean, come on.

I need the rest of the roofing panels.

- Something's up with the toolbox.

In the truck.

We need your help.

- Hey! - Whoah, jeez.

- Congratulations.

- We kind of broke the air pump

so we had to use the helium tank.

- What you been doing in there, Chris?

- Nothing.

- Yeah, I bet.

Oh, oh!

Douchebag.

- (laughing) Ah shit.

That's a turbo blonde, top of the line.

- Guys, I'll be happy to drink some beers for you

on my honeymoon, but let's get back to work please.

- Not so fast, we gotta be at the Kessler's at 3:30.

- What do you mean?

I promised we'd at least have this roof finished.

We can't just leave jobs halfway through

and start something else, dad.

- We got time, son.

Son, we're far enough along with this job.

They've got to pay us.

But we've got to get over at Kessler's,

finish that job so they don't sue us.

I'm a step ahead, see?

(phone ringing)

Pack it up, fellas.

- Hey baby.

Three and a half days.

How's every little thing?

- Oh, just getting better and better.

Do you still love me?

- Oh, considering the competition.

- Well, will you still love me if I told you

mom and dad's rental broke down,

you have to go pick them up?

- Al, I've been on a hot roof all morning.

I smell like a one man chain gang.

- True story, Alex!

- Look, I'm not in great shape to see your dad.

Could you go get them?

- Huh, well, that's the thing.

I'm not in such great shape either to face dad.

You know that afternoon tea

that the bridesmaids are throwing me?

- Time for some more inspiration!

Lunch ride!

Woo!

- They're not serving tea.

Oh, hold on.

- [Woman] Mmhmm, all right.

- Are you sure you still wanna marry me?

I'm a total nut.

It's three in the afternoon,

I am tied to a chair and I'm drunk.

- Well now you're just trying to turn me on.

I brought a change of clothes in case we finish late.

- That's my big strong boy scout, always prepared.

- Hey Sean, is the water turned on?

- I owe you one, mister.

♪ In spite of my predictions you turned away, went away ♪

♪ Running through the autumn, you fell with the leaves ♪

♪ Ran into the fracture I lost my place ♪

♪ Lost my place ♪

♪ If you knew what I knew ♪

♪ You'd welcome the indifference ♪

♪ Enlightened by a shadow ♪

♪ You turned to your maker ♪

♪ Your ghost becomes a calling ♪

♪ I can't say when, can't say when ♪

♪ You drive ♪

(knocking)

- Mmm, hello.

Wait a minute, I thought you hired a plumber.

- He'll do.

God I love this part of weddings.

- This is 6200 San Marino Avenue, right?

- Hey, don't play coy, slim.

You look like you know the drill.

(women cheering)

(giggling)

- So, you're the fiancee, huh?

- Take off!

(women hooting)

- You look like a bad girl.

Is that it?

You a little bad girl?

- Um, okay, I'm a bad girl.

- I bet your fiancee doesn't know about this, huh?

- [Alex] Not so much.

- I bet he doesn't.

Probably doesn't satisfy you like a real man.

- [Woman] Now we're talking , Tex.

- Actually, when it comes to the satisfaction department,

he pretty much has it covered.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- So you two have a normal sex life?

- Oh God.

Oh I hope not.

God, that sounds so boring.

I mean does anyone really have a normal sex life?

- What's so special about it?

- Well, there is this one little thing he does

with his tongue. (laughing)

Shut up you guys, you can't ever say I said that.

- It's okay, we're all friends.

Relax, you're so tense.

- Oh, you think?

I am getting married.

Maybe I'll just stay drunk through Saturday.

There'll be a video, I'll just watch it later, right?

- But is he so good you're just gonna need this one guy

and no one else ever?

For the rest of your life, till death do you part?

- Damn.

Well, when you put it that way.

- Less talking and a little more stripping!

- Yeah, man.

You're killing my buzz.

We're not paying you to keep your pants on.

(knocking)

- We're busy!

Don't stop.

Oh my God.

- Someone need their pipes cleaned?

- Where's my pepper spray?

Hold it right there!

- I'm a friend of Ryan's, I'm Matt.

- No, Monica, wait, put that down.

- Jesus.

I saw my life flash in front of my eyes.

Death by bridesmaids.

- Matt!

Oh my god.

Were you gonna trick me there?

That is so wrong.

- So uh, congratulations.

- Thank you, 406.

- What?

- Yeah, I've just been counting everyone

that says congratulations and

you happen to be number 406.

But I might have counted a few times twice

or twice a few times, I don't know.

Hi.

- Where do you think you're going?

- [Women] Yeah!

- Sometimes the solenoid goes out on these.

They tend to have weak alternator coils.

- Evelyn, Brian's here.

He's trying to say something.

I don't think it's English.

- It's Ryan.

- Ryan, could you give me a hand out here dear?

Hi there.

- Nice to see you.

- Nice to see you.

Don't mind my husband.

He can deconstruct Dostoyevsky in his sleep.

But he couldn't work a socket wrench

if his life depended on it.

- Peeing in the bushes?

What are we on survivor here?

- Hi Elly, how you doing?

- I just got molested by a swarm of mosquitoes.

I have not had a shower in 12 hours.

And if I don't get some goddamn coffee this instant,

I don't think that I will be my usual charming self.

- I can go for a caramel macchiato myself.

Where's your Starbucks?

It's half an hour back in the city.

But there's even better coffee at the diner

on State Street.

They've heard of cappuccinos.

All right, Starbucks it is.

I'll call the tow truck, you can ride with me.

- Oh no, oh no.

I cannot get up. (giggling)

I don't wanna see the extra miles on this Palomino.

- No, no, wrong way, wrong way.

- Thank you for driving.

- It's all part of my humanitarian mission.

Don't let them have these back.

- So Ryan never told me you were coming.

- It was sort of last minute.

He actually doesn't know himself.

- Shut up.

You know he's gonna flip out, right?

Oh, wait, they're here.

I have an idea.

Excuse me, I'm just gonna borrow this for a second.

Thank you.

- Does he still work for his dad?

- Yeah, put this on.

I'm gonna play a little trick on Ryan.

- Oh no.

- No, it's gonna be funny.

Here, hurry, okay.

You look perfect.

(giggling)

- Hey, we had such a fun day.

We had to drive back into the city to find a Starbucks

and then your sister had mud on her shoes.

So we had to go to a shoe shop

and that gave me a chance to spend a lot

of quality time with your dad.

And I drove us back here without driving into

an oncoming semi.

Not even once.

- You were brave.

- Yeah, I tried a double espresso.

How was your tea?

- The tea was strong.

- Yeah, it was, I can tell.

Here have one of these.

- Oh, thank you.

- Yeah.

- Mommy!

- Oh, hi.

- Hi Daddy.

- Hi, honey.

- It looks like a place where we can have Mexican coffee.

- [Alex] Miss you.

- They left me in the car.

- Thanks.

- I'll meet you guys in a sec, baby.

(mexican music)

- Hey Ryan.

Uh, you're pissing on my shoe.

- Oh Jesus, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Oh God.

- Are you trying to mark your territory, bro?

- What are you doing here?

God, it's good to see you.

I'm so sorry.

- Monica, I'm losing my buzz.

- We need shots.

- Ah, body shots.

- Alex, this is Matt.

- We go way back already. (giggling)

- You do, really?

How's that?

- Matt, oh my god!

I haven't seen you since you left for Stanford.

- Abigail! (chuckling)

How's it hanging, it's been a while.

- It's good to see you too, Mr. And Mrs. Woodson.

- Oh, it's Davis now.

Matt, this is my new husband Dan.

- Dan's famous.

We call him the mattress king.

His commercials are everything.

- Yeah.

Stores all the way to Flagstaff.

- So it's too bad you guys lost touch.

- You know how it goes.

It's been a while since I've had any

- Sausage?

- Contact with Matt.

- Jeez, Matt, how long has it been

since I've seen you?

Three years?

- [Matt And Ryan] 10.

- 10?

My goodness, well the two of you were just,

- Pure chicken.

- Alex, when these two were in high school,

they were completely,

- Pigs in a blanket?

- We're fine, thanks.

- Totally inseparable.

So what happened?

- Well after my mom and dad moved to Scottsdale,

guess I just never found a reason to come back.

- You know you could have come home at any time.

- That's what I'm doing now.

- You know, Bryan, we fly 2500 miles today.

The least you could do is offer my wife and I a drink.

- Gerald, would you like,

- Scotch and soda on the rocks.

No rocks, no soda, two.

- Matt, this is my Dad Gerald, my mom Evelyn.

- Hi.

Is Matthew single?

- Haha, she's just joking.

- Of course I'm joking.

- I think we need some drinks.

Lots of drinks.

Alex, gin and tonic?

- Please.

- [Ryan] Matt?

- Same.

- Let me introduce you to some people.

- So Mrs. Barbara,

you married the mattress king?

May I call you your majesty?

- Matt, I think that's an honorable title.

- (laughing) For Christ's sake.

That's just a name that he calls himself

on the TV commercial.

- What's the matter, Wayne, are you jealous?

- Jealous?

I don't even know the meaning of the word.

- Yeah, you don't know the meaning of lots of words.

- So you come here often?

- Hmm, not since,

was it Chris's sister who got married here?

- I think I remember something about Sean

puking on our stuff.

Burro, was that his place?

- I think so.

- Oh my god, is that your great aunt's cheese dip?

- Yeah, she's actually right over there.

Aunt Minnie, do you remember Matt?

- Huh?

Oh Matty, Matty, hello dear.

- I love this stuff.

Remember the time I made a whole bowl by myself?

- Was that the time you couldn't crap for a week?

- She's kind of changed the recipe now that she's

a big supporter of immigrant's rights.

Isn't that right, Aunt Minnie?

- Yeah, viva la raza, baby.

- Larry, emergency here.

- Cheese dip?

- Yeah, she loads it with jalapenos now.

I think it has more to do with smoking

two packs a day all these years.

Her taste buds are shot to hell.

- It's like Satan's toothpaste.

- Yup.

Times change, man.

- I guess.

I mean, hey you're getting married.

- Yeah, maybe I'm starting to grow up.

Maybe I'm just starting to grow old, I don't know.

- Alex seems nice.

- Yeah, she's nice.

- Nice.

That's all you've got to say about your fiancee.

- I was agreeing with you.

What should I say?

- Mhmm.

How about it's good to see you.

I miss you.

- I'm sorry.

It is good to see you.

I have missed you.

Thanks, Larry.

Oh yeah.

- I'm gonna need a few more of these.

(kooky music)

(Alex giggling)

- Wait, wait, wait.

Where are my car keys?

- Oh, no, no, no.

That's it.

You're not driving up sober.

(Matt laughing)

Shut up, shut up.

You're not sober enough.

You know what I mean.

Oh, sleep with us.

- What?

- Sleep here with us.

We have a guestroom.

You are our guest.

And you're staying with us.

- Wow.

You kept all your old stuff.

- Yeah, when mom and dad got divorced,

neither of them wanted any of this shit.

He had no space and she had too much stuff

in storage already.

It didn't make sense to lose it.

It'll be good for my kid.

- Man, I can't believe your parents are divorced.

- What did you expect, they used to fight all the time.

Don't you remember?

I think they were just waiting till I got out of the house.

- Yeah but this place was just so Mayberry.

I guess I didn't expect it.

- Well I'll go get you some towels and stuff.

- [Barbara] You are such a hound dog!

- [Wayne] You just stop talking a minute!

- [Barbara] He is 13 years old.

(shouting and screaming)

- Hey come on, set up yours.

No upsies.

- If I'm still in this town in 10 years, shoot me.

(somber music)

Care to make it interesting?

- Interesting?

Sink a ship, take a drink, something like that?

- Um, I was thinking,

sink a ship, take something off.

- You serious?

- What, I've seen you naked after practice,

what's the difference?

- I thought we were supposed to get shots.

- Hell, let's do something different.

It'll be fun.

- All right.

Strip battle.

- [Together] Battlestrip!

- B2.

- Miss.

A2.

- Hit.

- Yes!

- C2.

- You sunk my destroyer.

- Socks?

- Well that's first.

- You're a wimp.

- J7.

- Ah, you sunk my submarine.

(upbeat music)

Strip.

Getting dangerous.

- F2.

- Hit.

- Yes!

I won.

- You okay there, Matty?

Is that too weird for you?

(light music)

You okay there, Matty?

- Ryan, yeah.

Woozy, I guess.

Cocktail's catching up.

- You're not gonna be taking a trip to vomitville, are you?

- Your bedspread is safe.

- Watch out for my new pillowcases too.

- I was just having a moment.

It's a little weird being back here.

- It's a little weird seeing you back here.

- Bad weird or good weird?

- Just weird, I guess.

- Hey.

I should have, I don't know,

called or come sooner.

- Well, you came now.

I'm really glad you're here.

Do you want something?

Toothbrush, toothpaste, anything?

- No.

- Okay, I'll,

I'll see you in the morning.

- Hey, Ry man, if this old bed could talk, huh?

You do remember all that stuff, right?

- What were we thinking, huh?

(sighing)

Good night, man, I'll see you in the morning.

(phone ringing)

(kooky music)

- [Steph] Good morning Julia.

Ruined your best friend's wedding yet?

- Steph, what the hell are you calling me at the crack of,

10, shit!

- Barry's freaking.

Something about the model releases from the Nob Hill spread.

- [Matt] It's in a folder on my desk.

- So, this Ryan guy, is he?

- I'm not really sure.

- What, you can't tell if he got fat?

Come on, you're a gay man.

You can hear me retaining water through the phone.

- Oh, fat.

No he's not.

- Oh, you mean is he gay?

You can't tell?

Is your gaydar on the fritz?

- I don't know.

But last night, I'm sure he did a lean in.

- (gasping) The "kiss me, you fool" lean in?

- Yeah.

I swear.

(water splashing)

- Oh hey.

What you looking for?

- Aspirin.

- Oh, I'm gonna get you coffee.

- Is that?

- Irish Coffee.

Well, you can't get hung over if you don't stop drinking.

I'm not normally a lush, I swear.

It's just clearly, it's not a normal week.

- May I?

- Please.

- It's more the wrist.

There you go.

All right.

- Nice.

So Matt.

Does Ryan know?

- Know what?

- You know, did you come out to him?

- Well.

And here I thought I was butching it up

pretty well for the hometown crowd.

- Oh, is that what you were going for?

Butch?

Kidding, relax.

You know we do have this thing called the internet.

I googled you and your picture came up

in your magazine's website.

I just wanted to know if I should play along

if you happen to bring up a girlfriend.

- [Together] In Canada.

(laughing)

- She's probably doing good about now, eh?

- Okay, I'm not gonna ask what.

All right, what?

- What?

Nothing.

We're talking about stuff.

- Really?

What kind of stuff?

- Wedding stuff.

We're getting married.

- You two?

Whoo, that is such a relief.

Because for a minute there I thought you and I

were getting married.

How much did we have to drink last night?

- Oh, you're a funny man, Mr. Woodson.

Funny, funny man.

Well if you'll excuse me, my parents will be here

in a few minutes and I'd best fix my hair

before my dad tells his dumb Yeti joke again.

- Pancakes huh?

- You lied.

You are a big liar.

- What, when?

- Last night.

You told me she was nice.

She's not nice.

She's terrific.

- Yeah, she kind of is, isn't she?

I just didn't wanna be one of those guys

that goes on about how great their girl is

like they're trying to prove something, you know.

'Cause, when you meet her, it's obvious.

- So, where are you at with her?

- Um, we're getting married in a day and a half.

Seems pretty serious.

- Cool.

You two seem kind of all about love and kisses

and full disclosure?

- You didn't say anything to her, did you?

- About battlestrip?

Sleepovers?

About where you learned that thing with your tongue?

- Uh, yeah.

- No, did you? - Morning, hi everybody.

- It never really came up.

- [Evelyn] Hi!

- Hi.

- [Evelyn] Boy I could use a good cup of coffee.

- Uh, that's, it's kind of,

- Kind of?

Kind of perfect.

- So Matt, Ryan decided he, his dad and I

were going to have a threesome.

Care to join us, hmm?

- Golf.

Oh, yeah of course this is what you meant.

- What do you say we place a hundred bucks on it?

- Oh I thought we're just playing a friendly game?

- Yeah sure, what could be friendlier than a little wager

unless you're gonna be off getting facials with a girl.

- Jeez dad, come on.

I doubt Gerald came out here to make bets

- Why, you think I shy away from 100 dollars?

Wanna make it two?

- We don't even know if Matt plays golf.

- Oh I played a little in college.

Does miniature golf count?

- You bet it does, son.

Now you were saying 300, right?

You boys bring the clubs, will you?

- Do you have any idea how obnoxious my dad gets

when he wins a bet?

- Your dad gets obnoxious?

- Have you met the guy?

- Same guy who brought in a bookie

for our senior soccer championship?

- Yeah, that guy.

He's gotten worse.

- Hey, what's the holdup with those clubs?

Come on.

- See, I'm trying to keep things

on an even keel this weekend.

If we bet with him, it's like waving red

in front of a bull.

- And that's bad, right?

- Are you crazy?

It's like Pamplona bad.

If he wins the bet he's just gonna be

rubbing it in our face all weekend long.

- Afraid you can't keep up with him golf-wise, huh?

- Keep up?

I can keep up just fine.

I'm no Tiger Woods but against my dad,

I'm just trying to save you a little embarrassment.

- Yeah, about that.

The little I played in college,

I was the captain of the Stanford golf team.

- Shut up.

- We took second place in nationals.

- Oh shut up.

- I have a six handicap.

- Shut the hell up!

- [Wayne] For Christ's sake my dead granny

can move faster than you boys.

- My dad so needs to get his ass kicked.

- That's what I'm thinking.

- All right then, let's figure out this bet.

Matt, are you in?

- Uh sure, just remind me again which was the putter

and which is the driver?

- I feel, Matt, only obligated

to let you in on a few Wayneisms I've collected

over the years.

Swing, don't overthink it.

Think but don't overswing it.

- Wow!

They never flew like that in putt putt.

- And the game's afoot!

(country music)

- Wayne, you lost something.

- That son of a bitch!

How does that keep happening?

- How'd you end up stuck working for your dad

in buttfuck New Mexico?

- You know how it goes.

I worked summers for him through college.

You do okay, winter would come around

and he'd drive the company right back into the toilet.

It became pretty clear that if I didn't stick around

to keep him from making bids out of his ass

that he'd be bankrupt before I can cross the state line.

- And I bet he appreciates everything you do.

- [Ryan] We're not gonna find this damn ball.

- Got it.

- Maybe I'm gonna play it safe.

- Oh, come on.

Matt up.

- Anyway, the company's doing well now

so does it really matter who gets the credit?

- Jeez, you're still making excuses for your dad.

Reminds me of back in high school.

- If you were still back in high school

you'd be shushing through your retainer.

My name is Matt.

It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

- Shut up!

Wouldn't have had to wear that stupid retainer

if you hadn't taught me the stupid way

to screw up my bite.

(tense music)

- Yes!

Oh yeah!

Watch out everybody, Matty's back in town.

Oh, drinks are on me!

- You said you were an 11 handicap.

- Grass is a little wet, okay?

- How the hell would you know?

You've been in the sand all day.

- Dammit, never again, never never.

I'm not playing golf with you bastards.

He's a ringer!

Screw the clubs, I'm getting a cool one.

Goddamit.

I'm not playing golf with those bastards again.

- So how was the game?

My big strong men, he thinks with sticks.

- You mock, woman.

But I brought home the paper.

Why don't you go buy yourselves some bling?

- Thanks, we're heading to the bridal shop.

Matt, you should come with us

and help us pick something out.

- Yeah, Matt.

- I have our keys.

- Oh.

Wonder if they're trying to set him up with Elly.

- Yeah, good luck with that.

- Yeah, I think that'll be great.

- Hmm, I think it looks tacky.

- No it doesn't look tacky, it's beautiful.

- It's too long.

- Matthew, did you know that Elly lived in California

two summers ago?

- Oh really?

- Yeah, L.A.

Fuck California.

- Would you ladies care for some tea?

Oh I'm sorry, I didn't see the gentleman with you.

Or we have a lovely fruit punch.

- How about a lovely pitcher of Martinis?

- Vodka or gin?

- Really?

Gin, a little dirty.

- I'll get the special tea tray.

- I like it.

- You know these aren't dresses.

They're fucking costumes.

- Well, maybe at least my costume will make it

into the church.

- Bitch.

- That's Mrs. Bitch to you.

- Girls.

- Mom, if she's gonna be a dark cloud

then she shouldn't have come.

- So she's being a pill.

You could speak nicely specially in front of a guest.

- Well, Matt is family.

- What's the deal with you two?

Alex, you're so bubbly and she's so not.

Are you sure you're even related?

- Elly isn't always this way.

She was supposed to get married last summer.

- It was two days before the wedding

and Bryce decided he needed to find himself

or some bullshit like that.

Yeah, he found himself alright.

Fucking the minister's niece.

- You can understand why we're a little gun shy

about weddings.

Specially when Alex came home and said

that she was getting married.

Considering the unusual people that she brought home.

- What kind would that be?

- Not the marrying kind.

Don't get me wrong, they were perfectly nice guys.

One of them was a pilot.

He wanted to fly me all over the world.

The other one owned a restaurant and his name was Philippe.

Can you believe it?

Philippe.

I used to call the guy Flipper.

But I didn't want someone that was always

flying off somewhere or had to be on the cover

of Gourmet magazine.

I just want a regular average guy.

- So Ryan's average?

- It's not a bad thing, Matt.

Jeez, people are so obsessed with being extraordinary

which that's fine and good

if that's who you truly are.

I had this student who was perfectly happy

but he tested as average.

And you could just tell his parents thought

he was damaged goods because of that word.

So they pushed him and they pushed him

and a year later, poor kid,

he's still testing as average.

Except then he's completely miserable.

So trust me, average is a good thing.

- The cap!

There he is!

There he is!

Are you prepared to get rocked tonight?

Are you ready?

Bachelor party!

Holy shit, Matthew Roman.

- Holy shit.

- Holy shit.

- Joey and Chris, holy shit yourselves!

- Roman!

(rock music)

- Let's get us some titties!

- I got a pocket full of dollars.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, before we go.

- Ooh, this is the shit.

Hurry up, dude.

- So Roman.

San Francisco, huh?

I bet you they got some good weed up there.

- Yeah, but isn't it all just a bunch of

fagoes and hippies?

- Hey Ry, it sounds like your scene.

- Dude, our boy Ryan here has become

kind of the town homo.

- Come on, guys.

- No, I wanna hear it.

- Seriously he did like community theater once.

- I told you, I just built the set.

- Dude, that was so gay!

- [Joey] Totally gay.

- I think you guys need to find a new word.

- Oh! Oh, well!

- We got a homo in the group, huh?

We got a homo in the group!

- Actually, we do.

I'm gay.

(laughing)

- Dude, you totally had me for like one second.

Seriously, but,

man you used to date my sister.

- When I was 12.

- Wow.

I had no idea.

- Yeah me neither.

- Like no idea.

I had like less idea.

- How can you have less than, no you didn't.

I had less than if you have no idea?

- Okay.

I get it.

- Actually, Sean's got a gay uncle.

Yeah, it turns out his mom's got this gay

half brother she never even knew about.

Named Yurg in Switzerland or Sweden

or something place.

You don't know him, do you?

No, anyway.

I heard about him.

I'm sorry.

That just isn't normal, you know?

Live your whole life like that?

With a name like Yurg?

Fuck.

- Dude, what the fuck did you bring that up for?

- What, it was getting awkward.

Somebody had to say something.

- Are you some kind of retard?

- You're a retard.

- I'm a retard, you're a retard.

You're a retard with a titty twister.

Ow, ow! You let go!

You let go first and I'll let go.

- You let go.

- I'm not gonna let go.

- You realize they both look kind of retards.

- You think?

♪ Touch ♪

♪ Touch ♪

♪ Touch ♪

- Hey dude, isn't that your dad?

- You guys told my dad about this?

- Duh. - Don't look at me.

- Look, see who it is.

Our cut in the herd for poor cost you had.

- Hi dad, what are you doing here?

- It's Thursday.

- I'll get us some beers.

A round of Hethevaisin, twist of orange, watch the phone.

- Give me a pitcher of Pabst.

Here you go, honey.

Don't spend it all in one place.

- You're a big tipper.

- Child support.

Nothing's been proved yet.

I'm still talking to lawyers.

Don't say anything to Ryan.

Oh women.

Used to be proud.

- Wayne, you're just a paragon of American virtue.

- Oh I love marriage.

Don't think I don't.

In fact I think some of them dumbasses in Washington

pretty much got the right idea

about this whole defense of marriage thing.

- I see.

But you've been married what, three times now?

- Well yeah.

- So exactly which one of the failed marriages

are you defending here at the strip club?

(laughing)

- You know what,

Ryan could learn a lot about marriage from me.

And I figure, you know, you're gonna marry somebody,

they ought to be perfect, perfect.

When they stop being perfect, trade up.

(laughing)

- Come on, come on, let's go.

Thank you, thank you.

Up we go.

- You know, I see a lot of myself in you.

- Go on!

- Excuse me.

I just need a few minutes alone with my buddy in there.

- Matty!

I don't think you're supposed to be back here.

- That's okay, I know a guy.

Ryan, we really need to talk.

- Okay.

- You know you really don't have to go through

with all of this if you don't want to.

- Yeah, well I feel it's too far along to back out now.

- No it's not.

I mean I know there's all this pressure.

- Everything's been paid for.

- Yeah.

But you don't have to just give in

to society's expectations.

- Society?

Nah, it's mostly just Sean and Chris.

- Sean and Chris?

What are you talking about?

- This whole lapdance thing.

I've never been to one of these places before.

- Seriously?

- Yeah, why, have you?

- Sure, a bunch of times.

Dude, you need to hang out with lesbians.

- Oh Matt.

That's what I love about you.

You always could make me feel,

(sighing) at ease.

I've really missed you.

God.

- Do you ever think about, about us?

- Well, yeah.

It's not like I just forgot about you.

- Then are you absolutely, positively sure about this?

I mean what if you're just trying to make up

for your parents' shitty marriage or something?

Are you sure getting married is what you really want?

- Jeez, Matt, how can you be sure about anything?

Are you sure?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I think I'm sure.

- Really?

If you're so sure that your life is the be all

and end all or you then,

what's going on with you here with me?

Why are you alone?

I mean, you're great.

Where's your boyfriend?

- It didn't really work out.

- Why?

- Which one exactly?

- I don't know, any of them, all of them.

- Uh, let's see.

Preston was a pretty boy.

Zack never wanted to shower with me.

Bret didn't want to shower at all.

Cory was an animal lover, all PETA and shit.

Carl was just an animal.

Tom took too many drugs and didn't wanna share.

Michael wanted to be Michelle.

And Adam wanted to be Bjork.

Don't get me started on that.

And Joey.

(sighing)

- What was wrong with Joey?

- Go ahead, tell him.

What's wrong with me is the same thing

that was wrong with everybody else.

I'm not Ryan.

You're walking away from me for the same reason

you walk from everybody.

You never got over the first guy

you walked away from.

- It's you.

I'm still in love with you.

Fuck.

- Hey, what is this?

Suddenly running that two for one special?

Hey Ryan, you wanna go halfsies?

- No, dad.

- Come on, son.

Matt, got a 20?

- Hey Matt.

I just wanted to tell you that it's,

it's cool about the whole gay thing.

- Sean.

- I know, good for you.

Good for you.

- Thanks, Sean.

- Hey um, can you keep a secret?

When I was 14, I kissed a guy.

Shh!

You don't know him.

I was at camp and I didn't like it.

And do you think that that's weird?

- No, no, maybe you were just experimenting.

- Yeah 'cause it was the night of my first blowjob.

- Really?

- That part was pretty cool.

I had to eat a whole bag of sour patch kids

afterwards though to get the taste out of my mouth.

- Where have you been?

- I got held up by Sean.

- For the last 10 years?

You got a lot of nerve coming here and saying

a thing like that after all this time.

- Oh come on, what happened in there,

that's the reason you invited me and you know it.

- I didn't invite you.

My mom must have gotten in touch with you or something.

You think after all this time, I don't even hear from you,

that I'm gonna ask you to be my best man or something?

You disappeared out there.

- You were supposed to come with me.

We were both supposed to get accepted into Stanford,

that was the plan.

Get out of this town, remember?

Make a life for ourselves.

When you didn't get in,

do you know how hard it was for me to leave you?

Do you know how bad I feel that you got stuck here?

- What if I didn't get stuck?

What if I like working outside

and knowing the people that I pass on the street,

going to the same church I grew up in?

How do you know that's not what I want

for my life, Matt?

- Because of all those nights we spent

talking about getting out.

All those things you said.

That's how I know.

- People change, Matt.

You sure did.

Come back here like you got it all figured out.

Do you?

What about the shit you said to me?

You'd always be there.

We'd always be tight, you'd always have my back.

That just supposed to be when we were fucking?

- This is only round one, dude.

Come on, we are crawling home!

- Matt, Matt, Matt.

Can you keep a secret?

When I was 14 I kind of blowjob from a dude.

You don't know him.

But we were at camp, and..

- Hey, come on, let's go.

- Shh.

Shotgun, shotgun!

Woohoo!

- So buddy boy, where we off to next ,huh?

- I think I'm done for the night.

- Horse putty, what kind of pussy talk is that?

Come on, me and you will catch up to them

at the next joint.

I know all these places.

Unless, you're not gonna puke, are you?

I just armor-alled all my seats and everything.

- Yeah I think I'm gonna ralph.

- Well, it's only beer, right?

- No, I had pizza with anchovies and bratwurst

and one of those pickled eggs, the purple ones.

- Yeah oh well.

Good luck with that.

♪ Just an ordinary man ♪

♪ Thrown into the life I didn't plan ♪

♪ Suddenly my world has changed ♪

♪ I'm unprepared to make my way ♪

♪ My resolve is growing weak ♪

♪ So unsure of who I'm supposed to be ♪

♪ The one who takes the noble path ♪

♪ Or the one who wants what he can never have ♪

♪ And I'm hardly the hero ♪

- Goodnight Mr. Shelton.

- You're lucky he sent us home (mumbling)

But you wish.

What do you wanna do now?

- I don't know.

What do you wanna do?

- You wanna stay at my place?

Mom and dad are at Grandma's this weekend.

- Okay.

See the last one, that zombie,

how it's head exploded?

Then you hit him with the grenade, bfff.

♪ Then I'm hardly the hero ♪

- Hi, Mr. Shelton.

It's Matt, Matt Roman.

- Closed, I'm sorry.

♪ But I need you to believe ♪

♪ That beneath this bravado ♪

♪ I'd still give anything to have a chance ♪

♪ To love again ♪

♪ And I'm hardly the hero for that ♪

♪ Yeah I'm hardly a hero ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

- Oh, I must have dozed off.

- What's all this?

- I'm staying at a hotel tomorrow night

so Ryan and I won't see each other.

I just thought.

(yawning) Sorry.

It's been a really big day.

- Well it's just me for a while.

- Well that's okay.

Join me.

- Hey, what the hell?

- Looks like we got ourselves a little 48620-1.

That's vandalism and resisting arrest, boys..

- Really, what happened?

- Some crazy female perp had some issues.

She's chilling in the tank till morning time.

(chuckling)

You guys been driving drunk or what?

- It's my boy's bachelor party.

- Dudes, you guys gotta invite me to that shit, man.

- Sorry Harley, somebody's gotta keep the peace.

- I mean it's just not cool.

- [Ryan] Next time.

- Whatever man, whatever, that's not cool.

(laughing)

- Oh, Matt.

You are so wonderful.

God, I feel so loose.

- Wait I thought you said you didn't care

about the whole thing..

- Well, I mean I was never one of those little girls

who played bride or spent hours mooning over my wedding.

But the dress, oh my god let me tell ya.

I thought about my dress.

It had to be low cut but not slutty.

And it just had to be strapless.

I know, that's ridiculous.

With these arms, please.

- What are you talking about?

- Oh, no, no, no.

Don't even.

I've always had chubby arms.

Yeah, I mean the kids in school

they used to play the drums on my arms

and sing a song about my chubby arms.

♪ Chubby, chubby arms ♪

♪ Alex has chubby arms ♪

♪ Roast beef, roast beef ♪

♪ Alex looks like roast beef ♪

Yeah, and they always sang that

until we realized what roast beef was slang for.

You know the pussy.

- Really?

(laughing)

- Yeah, I mean we could never figure out

why older kids were constantly laughing at us.

We had gone through all elementary school

singing about my vagina.

Oh, do you wanna see it?

I would love to show it to you.

- You wanna show me your,

(laughing)

- My dress.

I want to show you my dress!

You thought I wanted to like flash you the beav?

Oh, that, that is so wrong.

I mean unless you wanna see it.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Let's go try my dress on.

Okay.

You can be critical.

I can take it.

I think.

- I can see why he wants to marry you.

What man wouldn't?

They say a woman's never more beautiful

than on her wedding day.

- Wow.

Wow.

What if that's true?

What if it is the happiest day of my life?

You know what that means?

That means it's all downhill from here.

For the next 70 years, every day

I will become less happy

and more and more unattractive.

Oh my god.

That is so depressing.

- Just look on the bright side.

Maybe you'll get Alzheimers and the last 20 years

you think you're Coco Chanel or a turtle.

- Turtles are pretty cool.

(light piano music)

- I'm sorry.

- Wow.

Whoever taught you how to kiss,

they really knew what they were doing.

- [Ryan] Baby!

Come to papa!

- Wait, he can't see me in my dress!

I gotta get it off.

Help me, help me get it off.

I can't get it off.

Hurry, hurry!

- I don't do a lot of these.

- Okay.

- What's going on in there?

- What, it's not what you think.

Matt was just helping me.

- Helping you with your breasts?

- [Matt] I wasn't, uh,

- Shut up, Matt!

- Wait, why wouldn't he want to help me

with my breasts?

I have nice breasts.

Are you jealous?

'Cause Matt's gay, it's not like it even counts.

- If you're so gay then what's your submarine

doing fully surfaced?

- Matt?

- What the hell is going on in my bedroom?

- You wanna know the situation?

Okay.

Right now, there is a gay man in the next room

with a hard on with my name all over it.

That is quite the biggest compliment a girl can get.

And if you think yelling at me is the best thing

that you can do right now, you are so wrong.

- Without proper support at rest,

the body is pulled off its natural axis

causing fatigue and strain in both the upper torso

and the lower extremities.

And we don't want that, do we, ladies?

So call me, Dan Davis, the Mattress King

where the only thing that's going soft

is your old mattress.

- I want to apologize.

- For what?

Telling me you love me or for trying to bone my fiancee?

- Either, neither.

- Look, we were drunk last night and some drama happened

but I need you to get over it

'cause we have a crisis right now.

Elly called, she's in jail.

- She didn't happen to vandalize the bridal shop,

by any chance, did she?

- How'd you know?

- Lucky guess.

- All we eat are donuts.

Not true, my friends, not true at all.

- Oh great, the groom.

About goddamn time.

- Thanks Harley.

- No problem.

- All right.

I got a little trigger happy.

- It's okay, you got carried away, no big deal.

But everyone is gonna be at the church

for this rehearsal.

So for the sake of the wedding

could we just pretend that some of the things

that happened last night just didn't?

Okay?

- Okay.

- Great.

- God, I need a shower.

I smell like puke.

- Hello, sweetheart.

Good to see you.

Elly, even Gloria Vanderbilt eats breakfast.

(phone ringing)

And how are we today, Matthew?

- I was the one who had to endure

Barry's usual Friday before we go to print freak jam.

I so hate you right now.

So, are you at the part where you're trying to run down

Cameron Diaz with that delivery van?

- I told you, I'm on a humanitarian mission here.

I'm like Mother Teresa but with much better skin care.

- And how goes that mission of mercy?

- Good.

Except for the part at the strip club

where I told him I'm still in love with him

and he kissed me.

And then his dad walked in and wanted to go halfsies

and then I went back and made out with Ryan's fiancee

and he caught me fondling her tits with a raging hard-on.

Um, other than that, it's good.

- Grammy Ho was right again.

The gays, they make too much big crazy.

(gong ringing)

- Hey.

- Oh hey.

- What are you doing back here?

- Ah, the maid of honor needed her pipes cleaned last night

but she didn't want me to come in.

Apparently I'm not the kind of guy she likes

to be seen with, I guess.

- Well, you can't win 'em all, huh?

- Yeah, you can't.

- Hey, there's free food after the rehearsal.

You might want to stick around.

That way I'm not the only one who feels

like he's crashing this thing.

- Yeah that'll be cool.

Yeah, thanks, man.

- No, that's what I'm talking about.

No.

- Yep.

- No, you RSVP'd.

You did not include a guest.

You cannot one plus me now.

- I changed my mind.

- Matt.

Help me out on this, won't you?

- Matt, come here.

- Why don't I get Ryan?

- Come on, help us out.

I know how jealous this must make you

but the fact is I'm seeing somebody

and it's very serious and I want Cathy

to come to the wedding.

- Cathy?

- Mhmm.

- You are sure about that?

- Yeah.

- Well then why did you put Karen?

Uh-huh.

- Karen, yeah, yeah.

I'm pretty sure it is.

- By the power vested in me

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Blah blah blah then we move into a prayer.

Where'd I put that.

He kisses her and she kisses him.

(people clapping)

- Are you okay?

- No.

I got dumped.

- When?

- Last May.

- I got dumped, oh about an hour ago.

So I guess I win, huh?

- Well, I got arrested last night.

- I got nothing.

- So I guess I win.

- Don't mind me.

I'm just the stripper left over from the bachelorette party.

- I'm just a bitter spinster sister

left over from Boston.

- First time in jail?

You know, for a first timer to get more

than a slap on the wrist,

you know what with the stress of the wedding and all,

you could plea temporary insanity.

I'm a law student.

I do the other thing to pay my tuition.

(clearing throat)

- So, um.

Do you think that you can get me off?

- I just dance, I don't charge for that.

- Do you think you can get me off the charges?

(laughing)

- I'm sorry.

Yeah.

I can probably get you off the charges.

I'm a better student than I am a stripper.

And I'm a pretty good stripper.

(people clapping)

- Most of you know me.

I'm Sean, I'm the best man.

And customary for the, Chris why don't you sit down?

Why don't you go back to your chair, Chris?

I'm gonna give a speech, a little toast.

- Everybody, hey, Ry, everyone.

I am the real best man here.

And I've got some things to say to the room.

- He's not the real best man.

- I am really the best man.

Okay so a little poem I have for Ryan and Alex

- A poem for Alex and Ryan.

- By Monica and Virginia.

- Love is a flower that blooms in the spring.

- A soulmate from heaven is what you each bring.

- Okay.

- Cherish the day, Alex.

I mean, really cherish the day.

- I just wanna say,

Alex, Ryan,

everybody ladies and gentlemen.

- There once was a man from Apple Valley.

- This is good.

- Oh can I do.

Who met a fine lady named Ali.

- Ryan is sunshine,

Alex the moon.

- Tomorrow they marry.

It can't happen too soon.

- Because you have built your love

on a strong foundation.

You know which, that's what,

men who work in construction, that's what they do.

- There's no such thing as a mattress king.

In fact I don't even think we've allowed kings

in this country for like 40 years or something.

- [Ryan] Dad!

- They decided to we'd and we all got fed.

- We did.

- After the wedding, our threesome will turn into two.

- Monica and Virginia, alone with nothing to do.

- But cherish it, honey, cherish it.

- And Alex,

- Because you never know.

- There is no such thing as a mattress king!

- Dad, I told you!

- No, I know, 'cause I look it up.

- Thanks.

- I've been working on this multimedia presentation

for the last few days, and,

well a week.

Oh hell, I've been working on this damn thing

for the last month and a half.

So roll it, Dan.

Ah, there they are, little Ryan and his Alex

like two peas in a pod.

Aren't they adorable?

Oh, and there's Ryan as a little baby.

He was a cryer, let me tell you.

The only time he was ever happy

was when he was sucking on a pacifier.

Passies, that's what he used to call them.

He loved his passies.

- I'll be back.

- Okay.

- [Barbara] Oh, and there's Ryan at two years old

with me and Wayne.

He's already starting to lose his hair.

Oh, and Ryan at seven.

Why it seems like just yesterday I was taking.

- Matt, you all right?

- I don't think so.

When we were kids, you told me if you're still in town

10 years later I should shoot you.

- Whoah, Matt.

- It's your wedding gift.

It's a ticket to California.

Non-refundable, first class.

Okay, coach, but it gets you there.

I'm trying to make up for what

should have happened years ago.

What if this is the last chance you're ever gonna get

to snap the tether?

- What if we already had our chance?

What if you missed it?

- No.

I don't believe that we only get

whatever chances we get.

We also get the chances that we make.

- [Barbara] When he got accepted to Stanford,

I thought I was gonna lose him to California forever.

But thank god he chose New Mexico instead,

stayed close to home.

Maybe he just wanted to make his money.

- What?

Is that true, you got into Stanford?

(sighing)

- I knew you wanted Stanford to be about us together.

Boyfriends.

I wasn't sure that I wanted that.

- For the last 10 years, my biggest regret was leaving you.

You let me think I was the one responsible

for what happened to us.

I was alone.

- I didn't wanna hurt you.

- So you waited till now to do it.

(tense music)

- This isn't going well, why?

- Well I don't know.

Some things just have their own way of working.

You made a really great slideshow, Barbie.

Kind of sentimental and it reminded me

we really had some good times back there, didn't we?

It was beautiful.

- Thank you, Wayne.

- I'm really happy for you.

- Oh, yeah, I bet you are.

- No, no, no, no, I mean it, I mean it.

You got somebody who's rich and successful.

Sober.

I'm just sorry I couldn't do the same.

- An apology from you?

Oh my god.

You're sick.

How long do you have left?

- I'm not sick!

I am not sick.

A man can feel remorse without having to be dying.

- Yeah, a man can in theory.

But you?

- Oh look at those kids.

That was us.

And we had everything in front of us.

(laughing) I don't know,

it was all gonna be t-bone steak and cherry pie.

Now look at how everything turned out, fine.

I think it's turned out better for you.

- That is so sweet.

And if it's any consolation to you,

the mattress king can't compare to you in that department.

(crickets chirping)

- You're leaving.

- I'm tilting at windmills here.

- Matt, let me apologize.

- Ryan, it's okay.

- No.

You're not the only one that wonders

if things might have been different.

Seeing you again,

it's kind of a strange position that I'm in.

- Have you been with other guys?

- No.

- But you think of other guys?

- No, but I think about you.

I don't know, maybe I'm bi.

- Oh, come on.

Bi is just the last thing gay men say

when they finally leave their wives.

- I love Alex.

But I was in love with you too.

Sometimes I still think about what that was like.

(dramatic music)

(tense music)

- I forgot my shoes.

I'm getting married tomorrow and I forgot my shoes,

of all the dumb things.

(somber music)

- I know what you must be thinking right now.

- You can't possibly know what I'm thinking right now

'cause I don't even know exactly what I'm thinking.

So how could you?

Why don't you come in here

and try telling me the truth?

Oh man.

You know what the worst part is?

You guys make a really cute couple.

- Alex, I didn't want this to happen.

I didn't even invite him.

- I invited him.

- [Ryan And Alex] You?

- Me staying at the house,

keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer,

is that it?

- No.

You're not my enemy, Matt.

You're my unanswered question.

I mean I'd seen photos of you before

and the way that Ryan talked about you

but here I thought I was just being crazy, but God.

I always felt there was a part of you, Ryan

that seemed uncertain.

No matter how good things were with us,

just something unsure.

Now I know why.

You have to fuck.

- [Ryan And Matt] What?

- You two have to fuck.

- Come on, Alex.

- You don't understand.

- No, I do.

I understand about gay men.

I adore gay men.

If I had a penis, I would be a gay man.

But I don't want to marry one.

And I'm not gonna be some housewife

in five, 10 years down the road.

You've come home.

Hey, honey, I know you like suprises.

No.

Look.

If there is any possibility that you're gonna leave me

for a man,

I'd want it to be now.

And I'd want it to be you.

- Alex.

- No, Ryan.

We are getting married in like 14 hours.

I can't do it with you holding this question mark.

You need to do whatever it is you have to do

to figure this out.

I forgot my shoes.

Again.

(light music)

♪ What would it take ♪

♪ What would it take to make you see ♪

♪ I've fallen down ♪

♪ I can't breathe ♪

♪ Don't walk away ♪

♪ Don't you disappear before I can see ♪

(Wayne grunting)

♪ I'm so sorry for ♪

- [Barbara] Oh, Wayne!

- [Wayne] Ooh, who's the mattress king now?

♪ Well maybe I'm misunderstood ♪

♪ And maybe I just would have looked ♪

♪ And maybe now you'll find ♪

♪ What you deserve ♪

♪ You were my saint ♪

♪ You were my hero ♪

♪ And I say it again and again ♪

♪ You gave me strength ♪

♪ You gave me reason ♪

♪ For feeling and waking a life ♪

♪ You were my saint ♪

♪ You were my eye ♪

(church music)

- I'm so sorry I'm late.

(zooming)

- It's about time.

What you think we were gonna hold this thing for you?

- [Ryan] I'm sorry, I had to get a few things straight.

- Dude, where have you been?

We've been waiting, you're making me look bad.

Chris, where's the groom at?

Yo, best man, where's Ryan at?

- Best?

You still think you're the best man?

Ryan, you gotta decide now, okay?

Flip a coin or something.

- It's decided.

Matt's the best man.

- What, come on, no.

- Sorry.

- Damn, I knew this would happen.

- Just 'cause he combed his hair.

(church organ music)

- Hi.

- Hi.

I didn't think you were gonna come.

- I know.

But I figured, whatever happens,

well, at least I get to wear the dress.

- Let us pray.

The union is ready.

Does anyone here have any reason for these two

not to be married here today?

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

(woman chuckling)

- Oh, no, we're good.

Okay, that's usually just a rhetorical question, but.

- I don't wanna marry you if I'm the default option.

- And I don't wanna marry you if I'm only doing it

because I'm afraid to be gay.

(crowd gasping)

- Oh my god, what the fuck.

- I uh,

Matt here, most of you know him.

- Hi.

- Matthew, was my best friend.

And my biggest supporter.

And my life raft through some really rough times.

And he was also my first love.

My first everything.

And I'm not gonna be ashamed of that.

Last night with Alex's prompting

I decided to finally figure it out once and for all.

- And?

- I'm sorry.

You're a little scratchy.

I don't remember that very much.

- Well, I was 17, I was barely shaving.

- I realized that as much as I wondered about myself

that I don't love men.

I just loved Matt.

- And I finally realized that

he's not the same person I've been fixated on

all these years.

Last night he was a friend who was about to marry

another friend of mine.

- Whatever happens, thanks for helping me put that to rest.

- Wow.

I really miss the days when

people didn't write their own wedding vows.

It just, anyone here have any reason

why these two should be married?

- I do.

She loves him so much she's willing

to live without him if that's gonna make him happy.

And Alex,

I believe that on your worst day,

Ryan would rather be with you than anyone else

in the whole world on their very best.

- He's right.

Alex, will you marry me?

- No.

(laughing)

There's too much pressure to get married.

To have the perfect wedding, I mean.

To have the right dress, to have the right invitations.

I mean Jeez Louise, what if it all goes downhill?

I don't want that.

I just want you and me together.

'Cause I don't need a piece of paper

or even a word to make me happy, Ryan.

Marriage, civil union, whatever.

As long as we believe in what we're doing,

does it really matter what we call it?

I want a commitment

from me to you.

And you to me.

Forever.

Nothing more.

And absolutely nothing less.

So what do you say?

- I do.

- I do too.

- All right.

I guess you may kiss the, each other.

(clapping)

♪ I never thought I was one of the lucky ones ♪

(cheering)

♪ Put my heart in places it didn't belong ♪

♪ Well I guess you never find out if you never try ♪

♪ God know i must have tried about a million times ♪

♪ And as soon as I should live out my life ♪

♪ Finally you found me ♪

- Wow.

Thank you for rescuing me.

- Thank you.

- Okay.

- [Ryan] Hey, save some of that for me

♪ You found me ♪

(clapping)

♪ Making off along the way and never looking back ♪

- Hey Joey, it's Matt.

Hey, about dropping off the key tonight.

Don't.

I think I finally got some things straight, so to speak.

I'm gonna be home tonight

so I really hope you get this.

It'd be good to see you.

Bye.

♪ Taking off along the way and never looking back ♪

- Matthew Phillip Roman.

Right under my nose, hmm?

I want you to promise me something.

That you won't disappear again.

Ryan's not the only one who misses you.

I will always think of you as a mother's son.

Okay, smile!

Let me know if you want some of these pictures.

I'll send them to you.

- About that.

Have you ever wanted to be published?

♪ And now I see forever in your eyes ♪

♪ This time ♪

♪ Can't find a reason for me to hide ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ With the thought of love I couldn't find ♪

♪ You found me ♪

♪ I'm not an island anymore ♪

♪ With you I'd live for so much more ♪

♪ And I never ever ever ♪

♪ Let you go ♪

- We worked really nice there

we were totally not gonna touch.

- We're not touching.

- I'm not touching him.

- So what's on the itinerary, boys?

- Guess that's no.

Hey, Junior, wait up.

♪ Can't find a reason for me to hide ♪

♪ Waiting for the love I couldn't find ♪

♪ Waiting for the love I couldn't find ♪

♪ You found me ♪

♪ You found me ♪

♪ You found me ♪

♪ You found me ♪

(laughing)

♪ Come with me baby ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ I still got it baby ♪

♪ It wasn't anymore ♪

♪ Seemed like best of friends ♪

♪ Those days are innocent, beautiful ♪

(tires screeching)

♪ Till I became a man ♪

♪ Must have been hard to watch me ♪

♪ Leave your dreams behind ♪

♪ But beliefs do what they're made to do ♪

♪ Dividing those of different views ♪

♪ But I believe love is big enough ♪

♪ To cross the great divide ♪

♪ I'm trying to build this bridge and ♪

♪ Close the distance ♪

♪ Before time gets away ♪

♪ You're finally trying to do this ♪

♪ And I lie thinking ♪

♪ Maybe we're okay ♪

♪ There's no one here to blame ♪

♪ Just an unfamiliar thing ♪

♪ It's not important that we see things eye to eye ♪

♪ I wanna laugh with you ♪

♪ Hear what you're going through ♪

♪ And know you're happy for the joy that's in my life ♪

♪ So I'll do what I know to do ♪

♪ Stay with you and talk it through ♪

♪ 'cause I don't think either one of us ♪

♪ Wants to be serendrous anymore ♪

♪ I'm trying to build this bridge and ♪

♪ Close the distance ♪

♪ Before time gets away ♪

♪ You're finally trying to do this ♪

♪ And I like thinking ♪

♪ Maybe we're okay ♪

♪ And I'm not going anywhere ♪

♪ My love for you is always there ♪

♪ And love is still the greatest truth ♪

♪ And love is what'll get us through ♪

♪ Yeah ♪