Original subtitles

FREELY ADAPTED FROM DUPUY & BERBERIAN CARTOONS

The royale pizza was a great idea.

I don't usually digest mushrooms that well, but with that…

Okay, Laetitia,

we're basically living together.

You sleep at mine once, twice a week.

I'm at yours twice a month, like a couple!

We're just a situationship!

Stop that!

I'm no longer negotiating!

I want an answer. Are we living together or not?

Wondering why he's hesitating? He's a jerk!

No, ladies and gentlemen, I'm an expert.

I've been dropped more times than a parachuting world champion,

and I've realized love is like a carpet. It gets worn out.

I met Laetitia last year, which involved

a lost taxi, a wedding,

a locked door, and me with my idiotic questions!

Excuse me. Are you here for the wedding?

No, I'm here because my car broke down.

Is it normal the church door's locked?

Ah no, that's not normal at all. We've called the police.

The priest went all weird, kind of had a religious crisis.

He held the whole Mass hostage.

Oh, really?

No, the entrance is on the right side!

-Thanks! -No problem.

I was thinking.

If I show up in the middle of the ceremony,

it wouldn't look good, would it?

I don't know. I've no opinion on it.

But if I don't show up at all, that'd look bad too, right?

Oh, potentially, yeah.

But if I don't show up at all,

it's perhaps not as bad as turning up halfway through.

Who knows how people will react!

Either I go and they take it badly or I don't and they still do.

Well, go on, then.

Ah, now I see why you're late. Ma'am.

That's Jacques, my publisher, a charming guy

who is both cultured and thoughtful.

Funny, the church has no restroom.

Can you not do that elsewhere?

What? This tree is great! Going to introduce me?

Jacques Jousseaume, my publisher.

-Hello! -Hi.

He is a promising writer.

Promising in the sense he's been promising a second book

for six months, but I'm yet to see it.

Ah, well, that's my dad. Bye, then!

Wait!

Here, this is my first novel. There you go!

Ah, okay. The Ebony Table. Thank you.

-No problem. -Bye.

-We've not introduced ourselves. -Alex!

When she left, I felt like she was leaving me,

even though nothing had happened.

I was in love.

I've not introduced myself. My name is Alex Caillard.

Alex Baillard's signing…

No, Caillard!

Ah, sorry!

Alex Caillard is doing a signing on the first floor of the bookshop

for his first novel The Ebony Table.

I lead a peaceful life as a successful writer.

It's for my hospitalized friend.

-Oh, yes. -You can write,

"To Suzanne, from Bernard-Henri Levy."

Well, a mostly peaceful life.

"To Suzanne, from Bernard-Henri." There we go!

Thanks.

It was precisely when I started to not think of her

that she reappeared.

-Hello. -I had never been such a loser.

Hello. We know each other, right?

-Yes. -Wait. Your name will come to me.

No, it won't because I never told you.

Laetitia.

Laetitia! Yes! That's the exact name you never told me!

I heard you were signing your book.

You came from Provence just for that?

Yes, I arrived at 5:00 today

to make sure I didn't miss you!

-No. -No!

Will you sign mine?

Yes, Laetitia!

"When a writer meets a woman

and that woman hasn't… hasn't…"

"To Laetitia. Best wishes. Alex."

There you go!

-What a job! -No way. You've sold three!

Clémentine, my friend. Nothing has happened between us!

Laetitia, single. Nothing has happened between us either.

I was secretly scared.

Like when my dad took the stabilizers off my first bike.

-Can I ask you a question? -Yes.

Why does the protagonist want that table?

He made love to his wife on it.

But why not search for his wife?

He wants all-consuming love!

Yeah, well, it's intriguing.

A man preferring furniture to women?

Is it autobiographical?

No. Well, as Flaubert said, "Madame Bovary is me."

And the table is you!

I'd like your opinion.

This is Mrs. Tanaka.

Taste this.

She's quite funny.

What is that squidgy white thing?

It's dog.

Mrs. Tanaka, cooking dog is illegal in France!

But it's pitbull. Is that not allowed?

No!

Just a little welcome joke for your friend!

-I'm sorry. -Oh, it's fine.

Sorry. Want one?

I'm trying to quit!

-Do you like the piano? -As a piece of furniture?

No.

If you like, I can play something?

Oh yeah, what is your repertoire?

Well, I'll avoid "Bridge on The River Kwai" here,

as a matter of diplomacy, however,

I can hold my own with Bach.

Mrs. Tanaka, may I play a bit of chilled improv on the piano?

Bach.

The key thing with the piano is dexterity and flexibility of the wrist.

-May I try? -Oh, you tinkle too?

I also love Bach.

Laetitia is the woman of my life. She's unlike anyone else.

She gets me, protects me. She's my ray of sunshine.

I love her! I don't want to lose her,

and the best way to keep her is by living separately.

Each at our own places, then we can live a happy life.

I must stay firm and determined!

-I have no choice! -Alex.

Are we living together, yes or no?

Yes!

Oh crap!

Yes!

-After a year, that's pretty normal. -Yes.

Like a real couple!

Yes.

Monday at 8:00?

Monday at 8:00?

Monday at 8:00!

Monday at 8:00. Let's say 10:00!

Monday at 8:00!

Let's say 10:00!

Living together is basically what we're doing.

Are we living together, yes or no?

We're not a couple, just a situationship. Are we living together?

Yes!

Hi, my love. Did you sleep well?

Don't say it's Monday 8:00 already?

Oh yes, yes, yes! It's Monday 9:00 even!

What's up with your voice?

Where is my figurine collection?

-It's in the trash! -What? Grendizer?

-Trash! -Have you lost your moral compass?

Trash! Alex, my love!

Laetitia?

Alex, my love, it's the start of our life as a couple, a change, a revolution.

You will love your new life! Love it!

Why speak like that?

Yeah?

Yeah. Hi, it's Clem.

-Yeah. -How about the pool?

No, I have no room.

Come on. I'll see you in 30 minutes.

Oh, oh, oh. Alright.

-Yes? -It's Jacques. Open up!

-Who? -I've had enough! Enough! Up to here!

I call, email you, and you don't answer.

I send a fax, no answer! Must I send a carrier pigeon?

Alex isn't here.

You're getting me in deep shit.

My boss gave you a year and a half advance.

You've a month or I'll jump you.

Alex told me to never let strangers in.

-Well, tell Alex I came by. -Yes, I will.

-Sorry for bothering you. -No problem, sir!

No, but I don't get why you're panicking?

It's natural to want to live with who you love.

-Yes, but that scares me! -Extend your arms or you'll lose it.

-I'm not losing it! -But what are you afraid of exactly?

Day-to-day getting boring.

Oh, but that's a cliché. Lord above!

It's a fact after three years,

sex gets like North Korea!

No, but listen, after a while, love does change,

but there is tenderness, complicity.

I don't give a crap about that!

I want excitement. Thrills!

It can't always be thrilling! After a while, your batteries die.

Well, that's just imagery. Extend your arms. You'll drown.

No, I'm not drowning!

I know when I'm drowning, when I'm not!

No, but you're still on edge.

I've had enough. I'm off!

Yep, you're drowning. I can assure you that you are!

I saw you swimming earlier. You're nicely toned.

Me?

Manureva. Like from the Alain Chamfort song.

Alex. Like part of a Claude François song.

Alex-andrie, Alex-andra.

-Do you come here often? -I work here.

I teach, prep the championship for synchronized swimming.

Ah, okay.

Hi, Manureva. Am I interrupting something?

Yes.

Who's that?

Alex, are you going to judo tonight or going straight home?

Judo.

Or else I'll go to the movies with Laurence.

That's not a problem.

Whatever suits you.

Thanks. That was Rudy, my ex. He's a pain. He won't stop pestering me.

He wanted us to live together.

You can't imagine the kind of excuses I came up with.

Like what?

-Yes? -It's Alex.

Jacques isn't in. He said don't open up to strangers.

Open up. Don't leave your buddy on the landing!

Yet that's quite common at yours!

You've opened my eyes. I must write that book,

but to write it, I need you to be more present.

To do that, I was wondering if it would be a good idea for you

to come live at mine until I finish it.

Me live at yours?

-Yes. -What? For a month?

Yeah, exactly.

-So I can coach you? -Yes.

What's the real reason, Alex?

Laetitia gave an ultimatum

that she'd live at mine from Monday 8:00

or she'd leave me. I'm not ready. I need to think about it.

So you thought if this twit lives with you, she'll have to wait.

-Yes. -That won't work.

Not with her.

Or I have another solution.

You're coming to live at mine because you need your best friend there

as you're feeling depressed.

But I'm not.

-Well, no! -So it's a no!

Jacques! Jacques!

I beg you, Jacques. Come live with me!

Okay, fine, as you wish.

I won't finish my book, and you'll get fired.

-You know that's blackmail, right? -Perhaps!

If you think you'll get in there using blackmail!

What, Quick fast food?

No! The French Academy, my boy!

Okay, I'll agree,

if you finish your novel,

but I'll be on your case day and night.

-Well, then? -Okay.

Is it made with olive oil?

Exactly. We have a vast range of oil.

It regulates triglycerides.

Is she here?

Yes! It's also great for your cardiovascular system.

It hydrates the body and skin.

Swallow is a bird!

-That's so funny. -I love it.

Oh yeah.

-It's quite simple. -Silly, but great.

I was told a joke the other day. It was… It was…

Are you alright?

-Here is your cell phone! -Oh, thanks.

Alex, this is Pierre-Yves. Pierre-Yves, Alex.

He's my new sales manager.

Hello.

Sales management looks hilarious.

No, it's because I was telling Laetitia a joke.

Oh, really? Which one? I'm interested. I love to laugh.

Well, it's… What does a chest of drawers have in common with?

A swallow? Nothing.

One is furniture, one is a bird!

I always found that joke a bit stupid.

I find it funny. It's off the wall. It's so English.

Stop being quirky. Let's go?

Wait two seconds!

-You're a writer, is that right? -Oh yeah, yeah.

It can't be easy to live off that.

Oh, it's…

You got another job on the side?

Yes, I work at Galeries Lafayette!

Bernard-Henri Levy comes into the lingerie department,

and I eat at the canteen every morning with Jean d'Ormesson.

Excuse him. He's quitting smoking. It makes him a bit…

-On edge? -No, no. Idiotic.

-See you tomorrow! -Yes.

He asked to come live with you?

Well, yes! He got depressed all of a sudden. Just like that, bam!

-Bam! -Bam!

He tugged at my heartstrings.

All of a sudden, you have a heart.

Laetitia, I had no choice!

But why you? You're not his only buddy?

Oh, but I am! Jacques and I are like this.

-I'm the Yin to his Yang. -Ping to his pong.

-Yeah, I'm his close friend. -Okay, I get it.

For the sake of my friendship, I can't look--

Well, the problem is clearly us two.

What might that mean?

Living together. If Jacques is at yours for a month, that's not possible.

No, it's out of the question you not moving in!

Whether Jacques is there or not, you're moving in, like we said!

Really. Sure about that?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

We'll have our work cut out for us taking care of him, even with two of us.

The hardest bit will be when he starts crying for no reason.

It's probably best you go. For Jacques, you know.

No, it's fine. I have to go get him from his in an hour.

Could you help me, please?

Yes.

-There you go. -Thanks.

-Are you worrying about Jacques? -Yes.

Is that all?

Just that.

How do I look? Am I not too underdressed?

I'm biased. I want you undressed.

When he's there,

maybe we see each other less.

Why say that?

I don't know. I'd like you to be there for him,

then he'll go quicker.

Yes, but you know someone with depression needs to be alone too.

Oh, really?

Yes, so it'd be good for me to leave him sometimes

so I can sleep with… at yours.

No. You are responsible for him.

Wait for him to feel better, then see to me.

Jacques, can I ask you something?

Yeah!

Why didn't you leave Eugène at home?

You're so irresponsible! You can't leave kids alone!

That's not what I meant.

Plus, Eugène is happy being here. Eh, Eugène?

Why do we have to live in this lousy house?

Uncle Alex doesn't want to live with Aunt Laetitia! Go!

Here's the sofa, which turns into a bed.

No, that's fragile!

Yes, of course. No way.

Your room will be fine for us!

No, I was more thinking--

I have standards.

That's fine for you.

You'll wake up and be right by your desk.

You need to tidy up. It's a mess!

Now, the kitchen.

-Stop! -Yes!

We're going on a tour! Eugène!

Here you have green beans, peas,

rice, pasta.

Why are you showing us this?

So you can cook.

What do you mean "cook"?

You've never seen a kitchen?

Yes. We've got one.

What do you do in a kitchen? You cook!

Dad gets takeout.

Dad gets takeout!

I'll still show you for breakfast. So you have coffee, tea,

sugar, honey, cereals.

You have takeout for breakfast?

From Fauchon delicatessen. You know, Eugène is fussy!

Paul Anka, Gold edition!

Thanks. You didn't tell Alex?

No, I swear.

Have you heard from Jacques?

He was at Marion's party last night.

He's crazy!

So idiotic. He asked Alex

to stay as he's depressed.

Now you mention it, it's true,

he's crazy sad.

Don't worry, Clem. I thought so. Just wanted to check.

No, but listen, you mustn't fly off the handle.

Thanks for the record.

Laetitia! I…

Caviar?

-For breakfast? -Phosphorus is good for Eugène!

-Are you expecting someone? -No.

Eugène?

No, Dad, I don't have a social life yet.

Yeah? Ah, Laetitia.

Yeah, I'll let you in! See you in a minute!

Jacques, it's Laetitia. Don't forget, you're depressed. Depressed!

He's not doing well.

Hello, Jacques.

Hel-lo.

I know you're going through a difficult time.

You must climb that mountain.

You need to know that you have two rocks to help you.

Alex and me.

You want to cry.

Yes, you do. If it does you good, then cry!

Cry!

Cry!

-Hello, Laetitia. -Hello, Eugène.

Hello, sir.

Jacques, go and rest.

Oh, yes.

Are you serious?

Well, yes, I've thought about it.

I shouldn't leave you all alone with Jacques.

You don't realize

how it is living with a depressed person.

I know all too well, and I love you. I don't just want to go through

good moments with you but bad too.

We said you'd move in in a month,

once Jacques has left.

I'm sorry.

All four of us living at yours isn't possible.

Evidently!

You need peace and quiet to write.

I need peace. Lots of peace and quiet!

Jacques needs peace to get better.

Peace and quiet. Lots of it!

I'll leave the store, go on vacation.

Why say that?

Well, remember Pierre-Yves, my sales manager?

Have you got a job on the side?

Mr. Gold Chain!

Mr. Gold Chain has a house in Normandy, Ouistreham,

and he wants to lend it to us. That's super kind, isn't it?

Super kind!

Ouistreham! That's out of the question. I'm a pure Parisian!

I can't stand the country or the sea. In the mountains.

I can't do without raclette nights!

It's just a month! I'm not asking you for the world, goddammit!

It's not a penal colony, it's a holiday home!

I only see one solution. Tell her the truth.

The truth?

If I admit to her I lied, she'll leave me.

Then I'd die, understand? I can't live without her!

It seems that's what you're trying to do.

You can't do this.

Speaking as a friend,

put it off, but you must decide in a month.

You can't bear to live with her? Break it off.

-Otherwise… -Otherwise?

You're just a jerk.

Luckily you're my buddy.

Eugène, would you just drop your best friend?

Using a child for that is pathetic.

Come on, Eugène. Have a nice day, sir! Come on!

I can easily change publisher!

Alex isn't my best friend.

I have loads of other friends. Better than Alex.

I can drop him and do what I want!

Pierre-Yves told me the house is amazing.

As it's at the seaside, and it's really peaceful.

How big is your gas tank?

Oh, I don't know!

Pump number eight. You have to press on the trigger.

Gentleman in the purple. Yes, you! Press on the trigger! Thanks!

Ah, it's beautiful. That feeling of eternity.

Ah, wow! It's so peaceful.

-Indeed. Just what you need to feel calm. -Peaceful.

Watch out with that camera!

Taste this.

-Tastes good, right? -Yes.

Nice and peaceful.

Here.

Beautiful, isn't it?

It's beautiful,

but it's peaceful!

Hey, turn your car around!

Train arriving at Paris Gare du Nord.

You are arriving at Paris Gare du Nord.

What are you doing?

I miss Paris.

Not bad!

The sea is starting to get on my nerves.

You're doing good at faking depression.

However, be careful. Sometimes it's too much.

It has to stop. I can't cope anymore!

You can drop the act if it's just us.

So tell me then, Jacques. Have you read it? What did you think?

It's terrible. Your characters aren't likable. It's hard work.

For once, I agree with you.

I can't seem to write. I've too much pressure with Laetitia.

It's a real issue.

She's hot, she wants to love you.

Call that a problem?

But you don't get it.

Oh. Sorry.

Just passing through. I'm not here! You didn't see me.

For sure, I don't get it! Be careful, Alex, okay.

It's fine, Jacques, you're not my dad!

Whoa! I kindly followed you here. You're going to listen.

You're lucky to have Laetitia.

As usual, you're hesitating. Do I, don't I?

You're a jerk!

Worried about your book?

If you like.

Forgotten something?

What?

You're 35 today.

Thirty-five years old.

How did I get that old?

Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you

I hope you like it.

Open it!

Thanks, my love.

-You're not buying anything? -No.

I want Mediterranean Ave.

You can't do that. Don't you dare touch Mediterranean Ave. It's mine!

Six. One, two, three, four, five, six.

Ah, chance card!

Go directly to jail.

Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

You're super unlucky, aren't you?

You know what that jerk Jacques dared to say to me?

Given what I subject my characters to, I don't like them!

From what I read, he's right.

No, not at all! I'm talking about today's couples.

Describing them as they are. I invent nothing!

Your couples start off badly and end badly!

But open your eyes, Laetitia. Not a single couple lasts.

And what am I in your life?

That has nothing to do with it. I love you. It's…

But you can never commit to anything with me,

with work, or your friends. You don't know how!

Listen, Laetitia.

A minivan on credit, vacations in La Baule,

an army of kids, it suffocates me.

You have to understand one thing. If I live with you,

I'll lose you.

Oh, how ridiculous! That's crap, and you're full of crap!

-It's crap? -You're full of crap!

Well, you'll see if couples are crap or not!

-Sorry, ma'am. -Stop it, Alex!

Evening! Evening! One question. Do you still love each other?

None of your business. If you don't mind, keep your voice down!

Just, I… Ladies and gentlemen! I just want to check something.

Two seconds. It's for this lady who is a tad too romantic.

Alex, if you carry on, I'm off!

Let's do a little survey!

Please, sir, don't make a scene.

It's not a scene, it's a survey!

Whoever is still in love, stand up!

Come on, come on, come on.

I'm going back to Paris.

Tell Jacques to cut the acting. Now I know why!

Mind your step. It's fine! Slowly does it.

Me too, I can also get irritated.

I heard you, seagulls, it's all good.

Hello.

Oh, wow.

I'm seeing flashes! I walked too quickly!

Help!

How did you do that?

The can of sauerkraut.

In the microwave. It was beautiful!

Beautiful.

You should know that

even up in heaven, your dad will keep protecting you, okay?

Ah, okay. Yes.

-Dad? -Yes?

Can I take a photo to show my friends?

No, but, Eugène, wait for us in the corridor. Your dad is tired.

Oh?

And where has Laetitia gone?

Back to Paris.

I swear to you.

He microwaved a can of sauerkraut.

The door flew off and hit his face. I've never seen that!

Wait. Sorry, I've got to go.

Are you Mr. Jousseaume?

He's here, yes.

Evening. So, Mr. Jousseaume.

How are you feeling? In pain?

No, not really.

Okay, then! Well, that's a good sign!

However, my eyes feel cold.

That's not a good sign.

Sorry?

We'll keep him a week for observation.

Because of the sauerkraut?

I have every reason to believe he is depressed.

Ah no, you shouldn't.

I asked him to fake depression.

Really, and am I a vet or what?

No!

Not Normandy, I want to go back to France!

Jacques. It's only a week!

A week.

Take care of Eugène, will you?

Why Eugène?

Thanks, Alex. You're a brother to me!

Hey! Eugène! What's up with you? Why the hell are you on my computer?

I'm correcting your spelling mistakes!

Oh, really?

Are there lots?

No, mainly mistakes with syntax.

Want me to stop?

No, no, no, no. Go on. Carry on!

Hello, Mr. Alex. Here is your mail.

I also have a letter from your girlfriend.

Did you have a nice time in Ouistreham?

-Can we talk about something else? -Okay.

I'm delighted to meet your parents!

It's mainly a chance for you to visit the farm.

Of course.

Nothing planned this weekend?

Nothing better than going out with you.

Do you like orangeade?

She said nothing?

No, no, no. I just saw her get in a car with a gentleman.

What was he like?

Young, well dressed.

Got a job on the side?

With a gold chain?

Oh yes!

Hey!

How are you, Mom?

-Hi, Dad. -Darling!

Sir.

How are you?

This is Pierre-Yves de Tailly.

Our new sales manager.

Oh. Nice to meet you! Fancy some orangeade?

Gladly!

Strawberry or mint?

-Strawberry. -I'll see to it.

Don't go anywhere.

I'll come help. I'll let you get to know each other!

What an amazing region.

It's far away, but it's beautiful!

Far away from what?

Far away from… nothing!

Your new man is nice.

He's not my "new man".

Oh, really? You're still with… What's his name again?

Alex. He's called Alex.

Sorry for not remembering dear, but I must say,

he's never been to see us.

He's never invited us anywhere.

He's always kept at a distance, I find.

Yes, that's for sure. Distance is his specialty.

We know nothing about him. For example, his parents,

he's never introduced us.

Yes, well, that's normal. They're dead.

He could have taken us to see them at the cemetery.

What do a swallow and a chest of--

One is furniture and the other is a bird!

That's it.

No, believe me, your Alex is a bit like your dad.

Oh, really? How so?

Men need an electric shock so that they understand.

If I hadn't slept with Louis…

Louis?

Louis Franval.

Wait. You slept with Louis Franval?

The vet? You never told me that.

Did I forget to tell you? Must have slipped my mind!

But rest assured, it went really well.

I had to come up with something so your dad would

realize he'd lose me if he didn't live with me.

Ever thought of changing the name?

Sun Pearls Oil.

That'd sound better internationally.

Yes, but it sounds wrong regionally.

It has been Cosso Oils for six generations.

That won't change now either,

even if you took ages to come.

OK?

-Yes, yes! -Yes!

Hello! Hello! Hello!

What's a yogurt pot on your cell for?

It's to filter out the calls, and that way, I, I…

it's really complicated, Eugène.

It's adult stuff.

I'm unhappy, Eugène.

I love Laetitia. I want to know

if she's seeing a guy with a chain bracelet.

That's why I have yogurt on my cell!

That's stupid!

-Hello! -Hello, yes?

Hi, I'd like to know if Pierre-Yves is there, please?

Oh, yes. Please hold. I'll connect you…

Sneaky little rat!

This is divine! This land, all of these olive trees.

It's as if their roots stir up emotion in you.

That's normal. My whole family was buried in these fields.

Each tree is one of my ancestors.

That's uncle René.

Then over there, at the back,

is granny Jacqueline.

Known as granny compote.

That's lovely.

Yes, but not true.

Oh, you can't do that to me.

I believe everything you say. I'm gullible.

I love that.

Tonight, when everyone is asleep, come into my room.

No. I saw that one coming!

I'm being serious.

Hello, ma'am.

You can call me Odile if you like.

Okay, ma'am.

-Will you be long? -An hour. I'm going for a swim.

Ah, you're sporty. That's good.

He doesn't go for the sport. He goes to calm down.

Laetitia has gone off with some guy with a chain bracelet.

I really must go swimming.

-Hello! -Hi.

Alex. We saw each other the other day. Remember? Your ex was here.

Not coming in for a swim?

Yes, yes, yeah! Perhaps not!

Part of me wants to, but I'm not sure--

Want to help me get out?

Yes, of course!

No, that's not funny. It's freezing.

Oh!

Manureva.

No, that's not funny.

What are you doing, Pierre-Yves?

I don't know.

I think your hand is on my breast.

I don't know.

I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me.

I wanted to see if I'm still in love with Alex.

And are you?

Well, yes.

-Ah! -But that was great.

-Really? -Yes, it was really brilliant.

-True. So you liked it? -It was super!

Especially at the start, when you…

-It was really great! -Oh, really?

Yes!

Plus the solo in the middle?

The solo? Was too much of a solo.

-Ah yes. -Yeah.

Yeah. I felt like that too.

No, but the second round…

Ah, the second round.

That was great.

Oh yeah.

-Oh yeah! Yes. -Really?

Oh yeah.

Ah, well, I'm happy you said that

because the second round was my favorite bit.

Ah okay.

-That makes two of us. -Oh, good!

-Cool. -You're not angry at me, then?

-No. -Ah good.

-No, no. -It's for the best.

Yes. It's all good.

No worries.

Okay, then.

What should we do now?

I can't get it.

A painter… Guernica? Does that ring any bells?

No, I can't get it.

It's also a car.

The Picasso.

Just Picasso, not "the". It's a man's name.

Yeah.

The last train

from Ouistreham pulls in at the station at platform 27.

The next departure is in ten days.

-Alex. -Jacques.

How are you?

Alright.

-Is the Eiffel Tower still there? -Yes.

Nothing's gone in your absence,

apart from the suburbs. Did you hear? Just messing.

-And Eugène? -He's fine. He's at the janitor's.

Oh, Alex! I'm free. I've regrouped and rediscovered myself.

How is Laetitia?

The taxis are just on the left.

No, but I'd prefer we walk for a bit.

Paris! Paris! Paris!

Smell that? Smell how it stinks? That's Paris for you!

Taste this. It's a new recipe.

It's a salmon maki,

with something, but I'm not sure what?

I don't know either.

It could be poisonous, Mrs. Tanaka.

It's not. I use it in the shower.

Are you alone this evening?

Let's just say I might be from today.

Okay.

Hello. You've reached Laetitia's phone. Leave a message.

Yeah, it's me…

It would perhaps be good if we spoke. So,

I suggest we meet this evening at 20:00, 20:30, at Tanaka.

-Hello. -Hi.

I got your message.

You wanted to see me? What's up?

How are your parents?

They're good, yes.

It's nice you went to see your parents. Alone.

Was it you on the phone with the yogurt pot?

No.

Yes, OK, maybe. So what? What does that change?

You were quick to take him to your folks.

I bet your mom's changing diapers!

It was a work weekend trip!

Oh, what did you work on?

Evolution of gold chains? Prehistory to modern-day?

Want the truth?

Preferably, yes!

This weekend away,

-I realized-- -There you are.

I was looking for a brasserie with an accordion, but everything is shut.

You left the kid all alone?

No, he's not all alone. I put some music on.

He's not seen 33 RPM records!

You're an idiot. My records!

How are you, Laetitia?

Still coming to my birthday tomorrow night? Did you forget?

Congrats on the Oscar.

Eh?

For your role in Ouistreham's Great Depression. Hats off.

Crap!

HANDS OFF MANUREVA

Eugène!

Oh. What's happened here? Who did that?

-Oh, my. Eugène. -Eugène!

Yes, I… Perhaps it was him.

Just by process of elimination, I don't want to cast any blame.

Perhaps he's depressed?

He doesn't write badly for an eight-year-old!

Jacques?

I think you owe us an explanation!

Me?

Yes, Jacques!

Congrats on your Oscar.

Ah! Yes.

Yes. That's it. I remember.

Yes. Of course, yes.

Yes, I'm sorry. I… felt like…

like Manureva… We felt like… With her boyfriend.

-He was nasty. -Long story short,

he lashed out at me, you see, and…

Well, I'm going to go. I'll leave you to tidy up. I'm tired!

Anyway, come by for Jacques' party?

Do I have a choice?

See how quiet she was in the car?

I couldn't possibly say. I was in the back.

Even behind her back, she didn't speak.

Yes, her back was quiet!

Perhaps her face was talking silently?

You're annoying me, Jacques.

I have to talk to her. It's a ticking time bomb.

She's testing me.

I'm sure she knows everything!

Got any champagne left, guys? The table back there

has drunk it all! They're pigs!

-Have you seen Laetitia? -No? Is she here?

Why would I ask if you've seen her if she's not here!

I don't know where she is, so I'm asking as she's here!

That's it. He's drowning!

He's annoying! He'd like Laetitia's back to talk to him.

Oh, you are smashed!

Absolutely!

You know I work in oil?

-Oh? -I didn't tell you?

No, I didn't know that.

What do you work in?

-Sales! -Ah, that's great!

-I sell sofas. -Ah, that's great!

I know this place well.

We do seminars here.

-Oh yes. -We eat and it's great.

They've also redecorated.

Ah, yeah, that's brilliant.

So I'll call you? Yeah, I'll call you.

-Bye! -Bye.

I found you.

-All good? -Yeah, I'm fine!

Great party, eh?

Oh yes, yes.

It's class!

So then, Laetitia.

I don't know what came over me.

Me neither.

So then, Laetitia.

I must say something I've not said to anyone.

Every day I think about you.

Well, that's not…

No, that's not…

Even when I dream, I dream of you.

I even dream that I'm dreaming of you.

In the dreams where I dream of you, I dream of you.

Ah, that's wonderful! You should write that down.

What do you want me to do?

Antonia for a girl, okay?

Perfect!

For a boy, Lino.

Lino? Like lino? The floor covering?

No! No. Like Lino Ventura!

But either Lino Ventura or carpet is perfect!

Wait, wait. I have an idea. Come on!

Ah, that's cold! Oh no, it's cold!

Oh, look!

Oh, wow. Shall we taste it?

No, you can't! It's Jacques' cake.

Oh yes, look.

-Just a bit. -No.

Stop. You can see!

-Yeah, wait. There. -Stop.

I said stop. No, don't touch that!

-Oh, kiwi… -Really?

Yeah. Oh!

Oh yeah. I should have seen that coming!

Well, yeah.

No!

I surrender. I surrender.

I'm seeking political asylum in your apartment.

You taste good.

Wait.

You're tasty.

That's good.

-Want a coffee? -Yes.

Thanks.

So then, bon appétit!

Bon appétit!

What's that?

A gift. Well, a gift for both of us.

Oh?

Well, open it up!

It's…

Antonia or Lino!

Antonio or Lino? Of course.

It's funny how a little thing like this

can change your life.

The cross means it's positive.

It's positive?

When will it be born?

In eight months.

That soon?

The cross is a ballpoint pen.

Ah, okay.

Okay, yes.

It's over, Alex.

Laetitia!

-Chao Dan! -Chao Ma Tanaka!

-Taste this for me. -Not tonight, thanks.

-Has she left? -Yes.

You know, I read your book The Ebony Table.

Oh, really? I didn't know.

Well? What did you think of my book?

-Your book-- -Wait, wait.

I'm going through a bad patch,

so go easy on the critique. So?

It was a pile of crap.

Your book is hollow, empty.

You have a terrible view of love, Mr. Alex.

Talk to me as if I'm her.

I don't want to upset you, Mrs. Tanaka, but that will be tough.

Close your eyes.

Go on!

If it'll make you happy.

Talk to her.

You must tell her right away, Mr. Alex!

-Hi. -Hello.

-Hello. -Hello.

I happened to be in the area,

and I thought I'd pass by and say hi.

You came to see Laetitia.

No, well…

She's in New York.

-Oh, really? -Yes.

Yeah, she moved over there.

Ah, yeah. America!

She often spoke of it.

Otherwise, she said nothing about me?

That I shouldn't be surprised if one day you pop by

pretending you're just here by chance.

You're dying to see her again.

She doesn't know me at all.

Ladies and gentlemen, we will soon be landing in New York.

Stow away your tray tables, fasten your seatbelts,

and remember, Alex, Laetitia doesn't give a damn about you.

No!

The pilot and all of the crew hope you have…

I'm French.

Me too!

So, Laetitia Cosso's room number?

Miss Cosso, of course!

-Room 1500. -Thanks.

Excuse me, sir. I have to let her know. You are?

Tell her it's Alex.

Miss Cosso? Yes, evening. It's Gabriel at reception.

I have a gentleman called Alex opposite me wanting to see you.

No problem. I'll see to it. Good evening, miss.

Sorry, sir, she doesn't want to see you.

How can she not want to?

You explained it wrong. Pass it to me!

No, I'm sorry, sir.

You're sorry? I'm the sorry one. Pass it. I want to speak to her.

Want me to call security?

Okay. Okay. My fault.

-I stupidly got carried away. -It's fine, sir.

-Evening, sir. -Evening.

Laetitia!

Laetitia, I must speak to you!

Open up, please.

Five minutes. I need five minutes of your time. Give me that.

Laetitia?

Give me a single reason to open the door. Just one.

It's Christmas Eve!

Five minutes, no longer. If you're here to say you're sorry, it's not worth it.

I've not come here out of remorse

or regret. I've come to give you this.

What is it?

What I should've said before,

but I was a jerk! Don't deny it. I was.

I'm not denying it.

Who is that?

Alex, this is Mike.

Mike who?

Mike Forrester.

Forrester, what?

What did you expect, Alex?

Me to become a Mormon, praying for your return?

You may think I'm a loser, but yes.

Well, I haven't!

Make her happy, Mike.

She deserves it.

Mike. Thanks for the D-day landings!

The what?

Fuck you, you Yank!

Stop it! Alex!

Am I going to steal your chick? I'll punch that ugly mug.

Stop!

No. Wait! Wait! You don't know her. I love her.

I love her.

-Yes? -Where are you?

Somewhere in New York.

New York is big!

Yes, I know. Yes.

So let me guess.

You have a poster of the Brooklyn bridge.

You have photos of it everywhere.

You even have three mugs with it on.

Only two now. I broke one.

So, you're on Brooklyn bridge!

Perhaps.

Well, take care, then. Bye.

It's stupid. Two seconds later, you'd have kept your cell.

I read it.

And?

You didn't find any syntax mistakes?

No.

I'm ready, Laetitia.

Where will we sleep tonight?

At ours.

How about a huge condo full of light,

with a massive black dog in the corridor?

Yes. Yes. We'll call him Gold Chain.

-OK. -Gold Chain. Gold Chain.

Lie down. Don't move.

Oh, and Mrs. Tanaka is in the kitchen.

Yes. For our housewarming,

she's making us pitbull sushi and telling us jokes.

Oh. Then there is Eugène.

Ah, well, yes. I didn't tell you, but he wrote my next book.

Yes, Jacques is there too, but he won't stay long.

Have we forgotten anything?

No. Nothing at all.

Hey!

Subtitle translation by: Fiona Tindale