Original subtitles

The following program is brought to you in living color on NBC.

So that's when Big Jack turned tail and run.

There I was, boys, alone in the middle of Main Street,

plumb surrounded by three of the worst bounty hunters in the west.

Shoot their own kin for six bits and a worn-out saddle.

And there I stood my ground.

And they was a-comin', step by step,

movin' in for the kill.

I had my old double-barreled flintlock stuck in my belt,

just waitin' for 'em to make the move.

And sure enough, they did.

Boom! Boom!

And when the smoke had all cleared,

all three of 'em was stretched out in the street

colder than an icicle on the end of your nose.

Ah, come on, Salty, how could you kill three fellas

with only a double-barreled flintlock pistol?

Well, if you wasn't so all fired busy goin' no place, Bobby Dan,

a fella might get a chance to finish what he's tellin' you.

Well, go on, finish it.

Oh, well, um... Oh, uh...

Oh, yeah, I waited till two of 'em got in line,

one right behind the other.

And that big old bullet went plumb through 'em both.

Salty, I bet you're the biggest liar in Sunville.

Every time a paper comes to town with the name of some outlaw fella in it,

you claim you know him.

Just like today, you read where this Big Jack robs a bank in Silo

and you come up with another humdinger.

- It's the truth. - Hogwash.

We been listening to your stories for 15 years and we don't believe none of 'em.

Well, why do you listen to 'em?

'Cause we ain't got nothin' else to do.

Huh.

What'll it be first, bank draft, a bath or a beer?

Well, we can always get a bath or a bank draft.

My sentiments exactly.

Hey, doll.

Can I get you a drink, honey?

Yeah.

Yeah, we'll have a beer, a couple of beers, ma'am.

Coming right up, big feller.

You know how you was calling me a liar and everything?

Guess who's sittin' right over there? Go on, guess who.

- I don't know. - Big Jack, that's who.

- Oh, stop it, will you? - I'm telling you, that's Big Jack.

Then why don't you go on over and say howdy?

- Oh, well... - Go on.

Well, I would, but he'd probably pretend he didn't know me

and him bein' embarrassed an' all start runnin' out on me that way.

Well, there's only one way to find out.

Go on.

Go on.

Come on. Fellas, fellas.

Go on.

Big Jack, long time no see.

- Huh? - Oh, come on, Jack.

Don't pretend you don't know old Salty.

I'm willin' to let bygones be bygones.

I'll buy you a beer for old times' sake, Jack.

Look, old timer, I think you've mistook me for somebody else.

My name's Hoss Cartwright.

Oh, still usin' those phony aliases, yeah?

You always was one for picking funny names.

About time you come to pay me a visit.

Look, I don't know if this is some sort of a joke or what,

but I ain't that Big Jack fella.

We're just passin' through.

We got some business at the bank and then we'll be on our way.

Oh, you don't have to worry. You're among friends here, Jack.

How much you get in that job at Silo?

Look, old timer, I'm gonna tell you one more time,

I ain't never had a job at Silo.

Now, big I am, but Jack I ain't.

Old timer, you ought to go a little easy on that booze

on these hot summer afternoons.

Come on, Candy, let's go to the hotel and get that bath.

- Where are they? - Over at the hotel taking a bath.

All right, Sheriff, get over there and arrest 'em.

For what? There ain't no law against takin' a bath.

Don't talk dumb. Arrest 'em for robbin' the bank in Silo.

I don't even know that they done it.

We seen the money, and Salty here told us who they was.

How about it, Salty? Is that fella Big Jack?

Big as life.

What are you gonna do?

Only thing I can do. Retire.

Retire? You can't retire.

The hell I can't.

Now, look here, we pay you to be the law in this town.

Yeah, and on what you pay me, I couldn't even afford to bury myself.

If that's all that's worryin' you, we'll chip in and take care of everything.

That's mighty big of you,

but the federal officer'll be by in about a month.

He'll take care of everything.

Hold it, hold it, hold it, Sheriff.

Boys, what do you say we double the sheriff's salary?

Yeah!

There you are, Sheriff.

I hope this is all right, sir. This is the best we've got.

- Oh, it's fine, fine. - Oh, good, good.

- Bed's real nice. - Oh, good, good.

Could we get some hot water and a couple of tubs?

Hot water and tubs? That'll take a little while.

Like, how long?

I'll make that water boil as fast as I can, but you know the way water is.

It... It's water.

Yeah, so it is. How long?

- Half hour? - That's just fine.

Why don't you get right on it and get started on it?

And if you gentlemen want anything, anything at all,

just pull this service bell here.

- Yeah. - Oh, I forgot your key, Mr. Cartwright.

Hey...

- Did you see that? - What?

Fella gave me this key and he winked at me.

So maybe he likes you.

After what happened in that saloon,

I'm not gonna be surprised about anything that happens in this town.

- Big Jack. - Oh, come on.

That old fella just mistook me for a friend or somethin'.

Did you see the way those people looked at you

when that money fell out of your saddlebag?

Like you were a bank robber or somethin'.

Hey, yeah. You know something, Candy?

Maybe we ought to go down and get that bank draft right now.

A lot of people know how much cash we got on us.

Why not? We won't have any water for a half hour anyway.

Yeah.

They're coming out!

I've seen some dead towns in my day, but this is ridiculous.

You ain't kiddin'.

Hey.

Come here, boy. Here, boy.

Friendly too.

Yeah. Well, let's... let's get on down to the bank.

Hey!

- Hey, open up! - Hey! Open up!

Come on, open up, open up.

We're closed.

Closed for lunch?

No, uh, closed. Closed.

It can't be more than one o'clock.

Uh, we close early on holidays.

Oh. Oh.

- Is today a holiday? - I don't think so.

Me neither.

What holiday?

Good Tuesday.

Good Tuesday. That's a new one on me.

Me too. Um, maybe it's a local holiday.

Maybe that's why it's so quiet around here.

Yeah. Well, we ain't gonna get nothin' done here today.

- Might as well go and get that bath. - Yeah.

We can get what we want in the mornin'. Come on.

And that's the last thing he said:

"We'll get what we want in the morning."

What are we gonna do?

Keep the bank closed till they get, that's what.

- Won't do no good. - Why not?

Big Jack don't care if that bank's closed.

He'll blow the front door off of it tomorrow.

If we could only get that federal marshal in time.

Well, you can't, unless you can get Big Jack to wait four weeks

afore he robs the bank.

Then what are we gonna do?

Look, Salty, this Big Jack's a friend of yours.

Now, why don't you go over the hotel

and ask him not to rob the bank, just for old times' sake?

Now, hold on a minute.

- I don't know no Big Jack. - What? We know you know him.

We seen all that money he stole with our own eyes.

I don't give a darn what you saw, Bobby Dan.

You was the one that said I was a liar and didn't know nobody.

Well, fine, as far as I'm concerned, gentlemen, I don't know nobody,

and you can just get yourself out of this mess without old Salty.

Ha!

Oh, boy.

I didn't know a hot bath could feel so good, did you?

Me neither. I had enough dirt on me to grow grass.

Hey, pull that dealy over there

and get that fella to come up and bring us some more hot water, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I'm sort of glad that bank wasn't open.

This way we'll get to sleep in a nice soft bed tonight.

You rang?

Yeah. Wondered if you could bring us some more hot water.

Certainly, certainly. It's boiling and ready to go.

Oh, friend.

And a happy Good Tuesday to you too.

Thank you.

You know, for a little hotel, this is the best service I ever did see.

Oh, boy.

Coming.

You sign in. I'll get your room keys in a few minutes.

I've gotta get some hot water first.

Hold it!

We're tired and we want those keys now.

Well, I'm terribly sorry, but you'll have to wait.

For your information, the gentleman who's waiting for that hot water

is none other than Big Jack.

Big Jack.

A wise move.

Big Jack, huh?

Now, that's what I would call a real strange coincidence.

Wouldn't you, Sid?

I sure would, Big Jack. I surely would.

Pass the ketchup.

Mmm. This is what I call a breakfast.

Why don't you drink it out of the bottle?

It's good on eggs. You ought to try some.

Dad burn. 9:15 already.

I guess we ought to get over to that bank, huh?

Yeah.

You know, room service, first time I ever had it.

Could spoil a fella.

Think I'll get Hop Sing to bring my breakfast up to me every mornin'.

Are you kiddin'? Hop Sing couldn't carry your breakfast.

- Howdy. - Mornin'.

- After you. - No, after you.

Kind of a quiet town, ain't it?

Yeah.

Say, don't I know you?

I don't think so.

You look familiar. I just can't place it.

Wouldn't be a fella by the name of Big Jack, would it?

Big Jack?

- He's a tall, handsome john. - Oh, yeah?

Yeah. He don't look nothin' like you.

Bank's still closed.

Why'd they be closed today for?

I don't know. Maybe it's Good Wednesday.

You fellas know what's goin' on around here?

No, we're strangers in town, just passin' through.

Why don't we go down to the saloon?

Maybe they can tell us if they're gonna open up later.

Yeah, it's a good idea.

You two fellas are waitin' for this bank to open, you can forget it.

The only way to get in there is break in.

- Probably. - Yeah. See you.

So they think he's Big Jack.

You know, Sid, I just may kill him and collect my own reward.

Beer.

Hey, friend, do you know whether they're gonna open that bank today?

Uh, why not?

Well, we've wasted enough time around here.

I don't like to do it this way, but it don't seem we got no choice. Come on.

- They're headin' for the hotel. - What d'you suppose they're gonna do?

They're gonna get dynamite and blow in the front of the bank, that's what.

They're gonna take our life savings, that's what.

Salty, it's your last chance to help us.

Will you talk to Big Jack?

Big who? I didn't catch the last part of that name.

All right, all right, you stubborn old coot. Have it your way.

All right, men, now, we can't let them get away with it.

I want you to go to your houses, get your guns.

We're gonna surround that hotel.

When they come out, we're gonna fill 'em full of more holes than a wormy apple.

- What do you say? - Now, wait a minute.

You can't just shoot 'em down. I mean, that's murder.

It ain't nothin' of the sort. They're wanted men, ain't they?

- Well, ain't they? - Well, yeah, but...

Well, that's settled, then.

Well, maybe I can go over there and just talk 'em into leavin'.

Yeah, yeah, I could probably do that.

Well, why didn't you do that in the first place?

I was goin' to. I was just foolin'. I was just funnin' a little, that's all.

- I'll go right over there now. - Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.

Seems kind of funny to me, you bein' anxious to help all of a sudden.

Well, I... I told you, I was just foolin'.

Oh, oh, I know what you told us.

You told us this fella used to be a friend of yours.

So?

So, maybe he's such a good friend, you don't want nothin' to happen to him.

Maybe you're in on this bank job with him.

Now, that's just plain silly.

Maybe it is and maybe it ain't. But we can't take chances.

- Right, men? - Right.

Right. Now, first I want you men to get your guns.

Salty, I want you to talk to your friend,

get him to give himself up,

and we'll keep him locked up here for a month till the marshal gets here.

Why can't I just go over there and tell him to get?

'Cause we don't trust you, that's why.

Besides, they might come back tonight and rob us. Now, how about it?

I guess it wouldn't do any good for me to tell you

that I don't even know who this fella is?

Salty, will you quit your funnin'?

How about it?

All right, I'll... I'll go over there and ask him.

What if he says no?

Then we'll have to kill him.

Let's go, men.

Yeah, what can I do for you?

Well, I wanted to talk to you about somethin'.

Look, old timer, we're trying to get packed and get out of this hotel.

Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. It's awful important.

Well, come on, come on. You can talk while we're packin'.

Go on, talk.

Well, you see, it's about a matter of life and death.

Yeah? Whose?

Yours.

You'd better sit down. This'll take a while.

You see, it all started yesterday, right before you boys rode into town.

Well, actually it started 15 years ago,

but the part about you started yesterday...

This ain't no joke?

Afraid not.

Then we either go to jail for a month or get shot?

Afraid so.

I just don't believe it.

I can't really believe that... that this is happenin'. I just can't believe it.

Well, I know just how you feel.

I just wish there was something I could do.

There is. Go out there and tell 'em the truth.

Won't do no good. They won't believe me.

- Why not? - 'Cause they don't want to.

- Well, that don't make no sense. - Yes, it does.

You see, when I first come to Sunville, everybody had just quit livin'.

Oh, I mean they was breathin' and everything,

but they wasn't really livin'.

Just wasn't nothin' to do, and even less to talk about.

So I started makin' up stories. Everybody loved it.

- Until yesterday. - Some fellas called me a liar before.

But they'd always get over it.

But yesterday everybody was feeling so downright low,

and, well, they seen you.

And I figured they'd get a big kick out of thinkin'

they had a real bank robber in town.

Well, I hate to disappoint 'em, but I ain't goin' to jail for no month.

He did give you a choice, you know.

Oh, that's funny, very funny.

I'm just tryin' to be helpful.

Hey, maybe we could slip out the back way, huh?

No good. They got the hotel surrounded.

What are you sittin' there grinnin' about?

I think I may have an idea that might work.

Well, come on, out with it.

The fellas out there want Big Jack either in jail or dead, right?

Right.

And Salty wants everybody to be happy, right?

So?

So... Big Jack...

it looks like you're just gonna have to die.

Hey, Salty's been in there nearly half an hour.

Well, he better come out soon or I'm gonna have to leave.

You tryin' to run out on us?

No, no, but I've only got an hour off for lunch.

The bank's closed.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I guess it is.

Hey, look.

Don't shoot! It's me, Salty!

Come on out!

- Don't shoot! - Hold your fire.

Well, is he comin' out or not?

He's comin' out, but he won't give himself up.

- Well, if that's the way he wants it. - It's not the way I want it.

You shoot it out with him and some innocent folks'll get hurt.

I told him to meet me out here on the street, just him and me.

- Just you and him? - That's right.

Why don't you hide back here with us and we'll all shoot him at once?

- Somebody's bound to hit him. - I couldn't do that.

That's agin the code of the gunfighter.

- The gunfighter? - Yes, sirree, Bob, the gunfighter.

Now, you men just take cover and let a professional handle this.

Come on out, Big Jack. I'm a-waitin'.

He didn't mean you, Big Jack. He meant that Big Jack.

That's far enough, Jack.

You always did like to back-shoot a man, Jack.

Now's your chance.

Make your play.

That was the corniest thing I've ever seen.

- Got him right through the heart. - I know.

Some of you fellas'll give me a hand, I'll fit him for a pine box.

Well, boys, I think I'll have myself a beer.

I don't know who that Big Jack was, but I'm sure glad he wasn't me.

I never seen anybody shot like that before.

One thing for sure, I don't want that old man around when we hit that bank.

Gentlemen, I'd like to propose a toast

to the toughest, fastest gunfighter in Sunville.

Pah! Make a chipmunk fight a grizzly bear.

Salty, from now on, nothing's too good for you.

And we'd like to apologize for thinkin' you was a liar.

Oh, forget it, boys, forget it. I can understand.

I can see how it would be hard for a layman to believe

the fantastic things that happen to the honest-to-goodness gunfighter.

Not anymore. We're gonna believe everything you say from now on.

That's for dang sure.

Well, now that everything's safe, I better get that bank open.

- Thanks again, Salty. - Oh, think nothing of it.

I'd do the same thing again.

Well, let's hope the same thing never happens again. See you, boys.

Well, that reminds me of a little matter that happened up in Montana.

It was so cold that your breath would freeze into icicles

comin' out of your mouth.

Whoa.

Sorry it took me so long.

Fella at the livery stable didn't wanna rent me a rig.

There's no hurry now.

Yeah, I guess not. Don't you think we better load the coffin onto the wagon?

We'll fetch it for a dollar.

- All right. - In advance.

It's the first one on the left.

You feeling all right?

Uh, yeah.

Uh...

What's in here? A horse?

Let's give him back his dollar.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

This one's light as a feather. Come on, grab it.

I don't know if we should.

What are you whisperin' about? They can't hear you.

- I know that, but... - It don't make no difference.

They ain't gonna get any deader than they are right now.

Come on, grab it.

10, 15...

Uh, 20.

That's correct. And here is your receipt.

Oh, thank you.

I certainly hope we do business again sometime soon.

You bet.

Sure the old man'll stay in the saloon?

Yeah, when I left, he was drinkin' pretty good.

I haven't seen anybody go in the bank since the old geezer opened up.

We'll hit the bank in 20 minutes, just before it closes.

You see, these young 'uns, they act tough,

but it takes an old-time gunfighter to keep his nerve when the chips are down.

And, gentlemen, you're lookin' at a man with plenty of experience.

You know, I was just thinkin'.

There ain't many towns lucky enough to have a fella with your kind of know-how.

- Am I right, boys? - Right.

Salty, would you consider being the new sheriff of Sunville?

Me? You want old Salty to be the sheriff?

Will you do it?

Well... will I...

will I wear the badge and everything?

Darn tootin' you'll wear the badge.

All right, boys, I accept.

Let's not take any chances.

Run over to the saloon and make sure the old man's still drinking in there.

I was just over there two minutes ago.

Don't argue with me. Let's make sure.

You don't get a second chance with a guy like that.

Go on!

Sorry about the bumps, Hoss. Have you out in a minute.

I'll have you out in a minute, old buddy.

Then I'll take the rig back and pick up our horses and come and get you.

I told you it'd work. Huh? You gotta have more faith in your old buddy.

I got the idea when I saw that ketch...

Anybody here?

Can I help you?

Oh, it's you. I was just grabbing 40 winks.

Um, you gave me the wrong coffin.

Now, how do you know that?

Never mind. I just know. Give me the other one.

- I can't do it. - Why not?

It isn't here.

Where is it?

My guess would be about six feet underground in the cemetery.

Underground?

Well, where... where's the cemetery?

North of town.

It's getting so a man can't rest in peace.

Move! Yah! Yah!

And I make you this promise.

As long as I'm sheriff of Sunville,

you won't have to worry about no bank robbers.

I have been asked to say a few words about our old and dear departed friend,

Mr...

What's his name?

Our old and dear departed friend, Thaddeus Simpson.

And Thaddeus was a man with a great many friends,

as we can see by this gathering here today.

He was a generous man and we shall miss him.

Excuse me. Must be all the flowers.

As I was saying, we shall all miss him,

because Thaddeus Simpson was the kind of man who loved life,

the kind of man who would never say die.

Hey!

Let's have a little respect for the departed.

His passing came as a great shock to his widow,

and though they were married only a few weeks ago,

she knew the kind of man he was.

And no matter how impossible the task,

you could always count on Thaddeus to work his way out.

Terribly sorry about this, ma'am.

Hey!

What happened?

Never mind. We'll go to town to get the horses. I'll tell you on the way.

- What's the matter? - I... I... I don't know.

I... I was sure that was the combination, but I... I...

Quit stallin', old man.

I... I'm not. I'm not.

You've just got me so nervous. I must have forgotten.

You better remember, and quick.

Uh, uh, um...

Eight right.

Uh, 13...

You got five minutes to open it up.

- Five minutes? - Five minutes.

Oh, dear. Oh...

Um, uh, 13 left.

Uh... eight.

Uh, four... four... four... fourteen left. Uh...

I tell you, I was fit to be tied.

I just couldn't believe it when old Salty here snaked a gun out

and popped him right in the heart.

I tell you, that was something to see. Here, Salty, have another drink.

No, no, not... not when I'm on duty.

Just a little one, eh?

Then we can all go outside

and you can show us just one more time how you done it.

- How I done what? - How you gunned down Big Jack.

You boys wanna see it again, don't you?

Sure.

How about it, Salty?

Well, all right, if...

Don't know why. Why not?

- To Salty! - To Salty!

Then, uh, uh, um...

You got 30 seconds.

I'll have it open. I'm doing my best.

I hope your best is good enough.

- You got 20 seconds. - 20 seconds.

24 left...

Couldn't you come back tomorrow? We're open at nine in the morning.

You got 15 seconds.

15...

That's it! 15.

15...

Right there.

- Oh! - Good for you, old timer.

Sid, you tie him up while I get the cash.

- All set? - Yeah. How much did we get?

At least 30,000.

Let's make sure the coast is clear.

Coast is clear. Go get the horses.

Right.

That's far enough, Big Jack! That's far enough!

You always did like to back-shoot a man, Jack.

Salty...

Now's your chance. Oh, shut up. Let me go on and finish this.

M-M-Make your play.

Oh, no, not again.

I ain't gonna try him.

Me neither.

Oh, shut up, will you? Let me go on.

You heard me, Big Jack. Make your play.

Well, we already killed you once. What are we gonna do now?

Well, I don't know about you, but I'd rather spend a month in jail

than go through that again.

Come on!

Get the money.

Wait a minute! You didn't let me do the part where I go bang.

Salty? I thought you killed him.

Salty?

Salty?

Salty?

Come on, try to sit up.

Come on.

You feelin' better?

I'd feel better if I was dead.

Oh, it ain't as bad as all that.

Not as bad?

I'm a laughin' stock of the whole town, that's all.

Salty the gunfighter back to Salty the old liar.

Everything was goin' so good too.

What went wrong?

Just about everything, Salty.

Yeah, they... they know I ain't Big Jack now.

Yeah, and they know I'm not what I claimed to be.

You fellas mind if I ride along with you a little ways?

- Where are you headed? - Don't make much difference.

Just someplace where... where an old man can live out his years

without folks laughin' at him.

I'd just like to get away without having to see anybody.

That ain't gonna be easy.

Huh? Why?

Everybody's outside, Salty, across the street, waitin'.

Dad burn it, I don't have to see them.

Especially that Bobby Dan. He'll get on me something fierce.

You're gonna have to face them sooner or later, Salty.

Why can't I just slip out the back, make out like I don't know they're there?

Why don't you just go out the front and face 'em like a man?

All right.

All right.

I'll let 'em have their laugh.

I guess they've earned it.

Listenin' to my hogwash all these years.

Maybe I'll get lucky and kick off before I get across the street.

Go on, Salty. Get it over with.

All right, all right, go ahead. I deserve it.

You sure do, Salty.

Here.

When Detective Cartwright there told us

how you planned the whole thing from the beginning

just to lure the real Big Jack out in the open,

we was mighty proud.

And we realized you ain't just a great gunfighter.

Salty, you're a great lawman.

The real Big Jack?

You caught him red-handed.

We got him and his partner back there in the mortuary.

Go on, put it on.

Well, I don't... I don't really think I ought to wear this.

I... See, I'm...

Salty, this town needs and deserves a good lawman.

You can't let 'em down now.

Well... I suppose you're right.

I was thinkin' about joinin' back up with the Texas Rangers,

but I guess that can wait.

All right, boys.

I'll be the sheriff.

Wait... Wait till the word gets back.

Sunville's gonna be famous all the way to New York,

maybe even to St. Louis.

Come on, Sheriff, let's have a cold one to celebrate.

It sounds good to me.

You fellas go ahead. I'll be in in a minute.

All right, Salty. Don't be too long. Come on.

Where you fellas headin'?

Headin' home, Salty.

I wish you could join me for a drink.

Wish we could, too, buddy, but we really gotta be goin'.

Well, I... I never will forget you boys.

We won't forget you either, Salty.

I just wish there was...

Well, I wish there was something I could do to thank you.

Hey, there is.

Go on down there to the saloon. Tell 'em one for us.

Hey, Salty!

Hey, Salty! Tell us about them Texas Rangers!