Original subtitles

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- Hop Sing. Hop Sing. - Mr. Cartwright, I quit.

For the third time this week. Now, what's wrong?

Everything wrong!

Dishes break, pans fall, fire go out, water leak.

Hop Sing cook all kind of good food. Nobody eat.

Mr. Hoss go, "Yap, yap, yap, Little Joe."

Little Joe go, "Yap, yap, yap, Mr. Hoss."

And then nobody say nothing.

You sit there like sore-tooth bear.

You go, "Uh! Uh! Uh!"

Well...

You're right, of course, I...

I agree, but you know how hard we've been working.

Maybe too hard. We're tired and stale.

Guess we all got cabin fever.

Tell you what, though, you go back and clean up whatever disaster there is

and we'll try to make life a little more livable for you.

Don't want life more livable! Want everybody eat!

Now, Hop Sing, you go back there, work up a real good meal,

and I'll go out and work up a real good appetite, huh?

No more Little Joe, Mr. Hoss go, "Yap, yap, yap"?

You no go, "Uh! Uh! Uh!"?

No more.

Sorry, it was an accident.

- An accident? - That's right, an accident.

Little brother, in my way of thinking there ain't no such word as accident.

That's just an excuse for carelessness. That wasn't even careless.

- That was stupid. - What are you yelling about?

- You're still alive, aren't you? - Barely...

Wait a minute. I just got through promising Hop Sing

that things were going to be a little pleasanter around here,

and here you two are bickering at each other again.

What started it this time?

All right, all right, all right.

Forget it. I know what's the matter with you two. You been working too hard.

No, Pa, it ain't that. We ain't been working too hard.

It's just that this one was born ornery.

Is that right, big brother? Well, let me tell you...

Hold it. Just hold it.

Now, do me a favor, take the day off.

Go to town. Forget about everything here. Relax.

- Go away. - I'm not gonna say no to that.

A cold beer and a few friendly faces would be a nice change.

- I'll take the south road. - The north road's fine for me.

Good. Good. Good. Just not having you two fellas around here for the day

will be a pleasant vacation for me, too.

Why couldn't I have had two daughters?

- Hello, Hoss. - Hi, Phineas.

I haven't seen you folks about lately.

- You been working hard? - Well, you might say that, yeah.

- I'll see you. - Hey, Hoss, uh...

You ain't been in town lately, maybe you don't know

me and Titus Simpson's running for mayor.

Yeah, Sheriff Coffee was out. He told us about it.

Now, I sort of promised Judge Clampton that I'd ask folks for votes,

just to make it look good.

If you want to vote for Titus Simpson, that don't hurt my feelings at all.

Matter of fact, he'd make a better mayor than me.

Yeah, well, I... I ain't decided how I'm gonna vote yet.

Yeah, well, it don't matter how you vote, so long as you vote.

Hey, that ain't bad. I'm gonna remember that. So long, Hoss.

So long, Phineas.

- Howdy, Hoss. - Howdy, boys.

Howdy, Hoss! About time you spent some money in here.

Yeah.

- Little Joe, how are you? - How are you?

It's a long bar. I'm standing at this end.

I won't argue. Pa always taught me to have respect for my elders.

What'll be, boys?

Beer.

Uh...

There'll be free beer Friday after the election, on the house.

It won't be much of an election, Bruno. Leastwise, not now.

Phineas Burke lost any chance of winning it just a minute ago outside.

Are you suggesting, little brother,

that Phineas Burke lost votes because he talked to me?

Mm-hm.

Yeah, when word gets out that he's been glad-handing you for your vote,

everybody's gonna know he's a desperate man.

Nobody wants a desperate man for mayor, so they'll all vote for Titus Simpson.

Oh, boy!

Oh, boy! When you get the orneries you get them in all directions, don't you?

Phineas Burke ain't desperate, and you know it.

- Hoss... - He's gonna be desperate come Friday

when he finds out that Simpson's getting all the votes.

- Oh, you're gonna vote for Simpson? - Yes, I like to be on a winning team.

That's exactly why I'm voting for Phineas Burke.

That's good. That's two votes he'll get, yours and his.

He'll get a darned sight more than that.

I'll bet you he wins that election by a landslide.

You got a bet. Name it.

- Name it. - Oh, silly, I...

Name it! Yeah, see? All talk.

All talk, huh?

You'll be the one that shuts up when I tell you the bet I got in mind.

Well, how about, uh...

Uh... how about a trip to San Francisco, and loser pay all?

Yeah, well, that's kind of a stiff bet, isn't it?

- Now, who's weaseling out? - Nobody's weaseling out!

- I'm not weaseling out. You got a bet. - And I'm gonna win it.

- Don't be so sure of that... - Boys! Maybe you don't know it, boys.

But neither Simpson nor Burke care much one way or the other

which one becomes mayor.

They've been good friends for too many years to want to make a fight out of it.

Thank you, Bruno.

Don't spend all your money here.

You're gonna need it to pay my expenses when I go to San Francisco.

Well, Joseph.

Hey, it's been quite a while! Something I can do for you?

No, Mr. Simpson. Just wanted to stop by, say hello, see how you're doing.

Well, that's mighty nice of you.

Hey, I hear you and Phineas Burke are running for mayor.

Oh, we got our names on the ballot,

but we just did it as a favor to Judge Clampton.

Hey, wouldn't be so bad being the mayor though, would it?

- Oh, I don't right care Joseph. - You don't care?

You're not saying it's not an honor to be the mayor of Virginia City?

Oh, I suppose it is, but I'd be just as happy if my friend Phineas were elected.

Boy! Say, that's not the way we learned it in school.

We were taught that a candidate went out among the people,

- let them know what he stood for. - Well, there's no need.

Phineas and I agree on everything.

Well, you could hand out a few drinks.

Drinks cost money.

Kiss a few babies? That doesn't cost anything.

Oh! Not me.

Well, I'll tell you I'm disappointed.

I really am because it's not fair,

not fair to the people of Virginia City not to let them know where you stand.

Oh, come on now, Joseph. There's nobody that much interested.

Oh, I am interested, Mr. Simpson. I'm interested.

Because to tell you the truth, I think you're the only man for the job.

Why, Joseph!

That's a mighty fine thing for you to say.

It's just the way I feel.

I always said that young folks should take an interest in their government.

If you want to hand out free drinks and kiss some babies...

you go right ahead.

Uh... Mr. Simpson, are you saying it would be all right with you

if I just sort of went around and tried to get a few people to vote for you?

I'd be ungrateful if I said no,

if that's the way you want to spend your time.

I either spend my time or I spend my money.

- What's that? - Oh, I was just saying,

it's the duty of every interested citizen

to pick the candidate of his choice, then see that he's elected.

That's the American way.

Why, Joseph, that makes me feel right warm inside.

I know how you feel. I'd better get to work.

Now, don't you forget that this was your idea, not mine.

Like I said, I'd just as soon see my friend Phineas elected.

You just get used to being called Mayor Simpson.

"The honorable Mayor Titus Simpson."

The honorable Mayor Titus Simpson?

If you good citizens have a moment, I'd like to say a few words

on behalf of the next mayor of Virginia City. Have a drink.

- Thank you, Little Joe. - Thanks, Joe.

Come to think on it, there is an election Friday.

Yeah, Burke and Simpson. That ain't nothing to get all het up about.

Either one would make a good mayor. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

- Even-Stevens. - Gentlemen, please.

Please, do you realize you're talking about

the highest office we voters can give a man in this city,

a man who is gonna guide our destiny for the next four years?

Huh. It appears like you're pretty fired-up about this, Little Joe.

Which man you figure ought to be mayor?

The only man a thinking man would vote for.

A vote for Titus Simpson is a vote for honest government.

Are you saying that Phineas Burke ain't honest, Joe?

Oh, no, no, I'm not saying it.

You know, I did feel that Burke over-charged me

when he fixed my rifle last month.

Mm-hm.

Hoss, you just got to give that brother of yours the A-1 medal for crust.

He suckered you into making a bet that he sure intends to go his way.

Does Titus Simpson know you're out beating the drum for him, Joe?

You bet he does. I just got through talking to him.

So, that's where he's been!

Titus Simpson's a peck smarter than I give him credit for,

holding off until just four days before the election.

Any man that's that conniving just got to be a good politician.

Mm-hm.

And then getting himself a campaign manager.

Campaign manager?

Yeah, I guess you could put it that way. How about another drink?

- Thank you, Little Joe. - Thanks, Joe.

"Campaign manager."

It's got a nice ring to it.

Citizens!

It ain't fair, Bruno. It just ain't fair.

I don't see why not, Hoss. He sure ain't sneaking around behind your back.

Same token, nothing to keep you from handing out a few drinks.

Yeah, you're doggone right.

It just so happens, Hoss,

I have some real fine whiskey right here.

Yeah, well, hang on to it for me, Bruno.

This is gonna take more than whiskey.

Drink up!

Come, come, now, Hoss. There ain't a finer man in this world

than my friend and partner, Titus Simpson.

I don't know where you got the idea, but he just would not do

that kind of a low and sneaky trick.

He would, he has, and he is. Look here, Phineas.

He's done and got Little Joe for a campaign manager.

He's over giving out free booze and a lot of loose talk

about how much more honest Titus is than you are.

Well, I appreciate your interest, but I just know you're mistaken.

Titus and me are just like brothers.

I'd say we're almost as close as you and Joe.

Ha! Don't you go counting on how close me and Little...

I don't understand.

You got a lot of understanding to pick up on, Phineas.

Take a look at that.

Friends! Friends, let me just take a moment.

I don't want you to think that Titus Simpson is trying to buy your votes.

This is merely his humble way

of expressing his modest thanks to each and every one of you.

But... But let me ask,

has any one of you gotten a free drink from Phineas Burke?

Titus Simpson stands for progress.

And Titus Simpson is a man of integrity.

I don't believe it. That's your brother.

Now, you're beginning to understand.

Drink up, fellas. What a man you've got running for you.

Come on, drink up!

Yes, good citizens, as Titus Simpson's campaign manager,

I can tell you without fear of contradiction,

that Titus Simpson stands for fearless leadership...

So, he didn't want to be mayor? He didn't want the glory?

My friend. My partner.

Whether you agree with...

Whether you agree with Little Joe or not, you got to admit us citizens

should be paying more attention as to who's going to be the next mayor.

And free drinks or not, I'm voting for Phineas Burke.

Burke?

Didn't you hear me telling how he robbed me blind

when he fixed my rifle?

Well, only a second-grade boob would vote for a slicker like that.

You calling me a boob?

If the shoe fits...

Ugh!

Phineas, you gotta face facts.

Unless you do something, and do it quick, Titus is gonna win this election.

You gotta do like he done, get yourself a crackerjack campaign manager.

Well, I've been flummoxed, sure enough,

but I ain't gonna let no grass grow under my feet.

And I know the only man I want for my campaign manager,

the only man that can match that smooth-talking brother of yours.

- You'd better look him up quick. - Oh, I don't have to look him up, Hoss.

The man I want is you.

Ah! Phineas, just in time.

- Fresh coffee. - Yeah?

- Well, which cup got the arsenic in it? - What?

Oh, don't play the innocent lamb with me, you back-stabbing coyote.

- What? - Oh, quit saying "what?"

You gonna deny you sent Joe Cartwright out to get votes for you?

- Sure, he was here, but... - Oh.

You gonna deny you knew he was gonna pass out free drinks,

- make speeches, call me dishonest? - Well, I knew about the drinks, but...

Oh, quit saying "but."

Although, now I got you dead to rights,

maybe that's all you can say, you two-faced skunk.

Now, see here...

No, now, that's been my trouble, not seeing.

Not seeing what a dirty, oily-tongued snake you really are.

- Now, see here... - Quit saying "now, see here."

As a matter of fact, quit saying anything.

Now, you hold on just one minute...

Don't you start that again.

From now on, you and me are through, you understand? Finished.

Where do you keep this chalk?

Here, here, here, here.

Here. Now, you stay on your side.

Get over here. You stay on your side, and I'll stay on my side.

And don't you worry about me being here too long, neither,

cause after Friday I'm gonna be moving into the mayor's office.

So, that's it, huh?

You heard Joe Cartwright asking people to vote for me and it bothered you.

That means you really wanted to be mayor yourself.

Oh, listen who's talking now.

- Now, see... - Don't you step over that line!

I'll step over any line I please.

This is gonna be the sorriest election we ever had, Clem.

It's all my fault, too, getting Titus and Phineas to run against each other.

I should have known they wouldn't make an issue out of it,

being friends like they are.

They're real pals, that's for sure, buddies to the end.

A Damon and Pythias.

You try crossing that line again, you'll be sorry.

You try throwing another chair at me

and I'll throw you through the window.

You did say Damon and Pythias?

Sounds more like Cain and Abel.

Ha! If you were mayor I'd leave town.

Doesn't it?

Well, it sure is nice to have some peace and quiet around here for a change.

Hoss, what are you doing, writing your memoirs?

No, sir. I'm writing a speech for Phineas Burke. He's running for mayor.

Pa, how do you spell "graft"?

I'd think of a better word. Graft?

Hey, Joe.

- Joseph? - Hm? Yes, sir?

Don't tell me you're writing a speech, too.

Yeah, I'm not writing it for that thief, Burke.

Mine is for the next mayor of Virginia City, honest Titus Simpson.

I suppose, uh...

having opposing political views in one family is all right.

Huh? That's the American way, Pa.

Well, now, Phineas and Titus, of course, are both very fine men,

and I think it's commendable that you two are helping with their speeches,

but you'd better get your work done in a hurry, we've gotta get an early start.

Get Hop Sing run them into town for you. We got a hard day's work.

Yeah, Pa.

Pa, I, uh... I don't think I'm gonna be able to do any chores, Pa,

until after the election on Saturday.

You see, I... I got myself volunteered as campaign manager for Phineas Burke.

Yeah, and I'm doing the same thing for Titus Simpson.

Campaign managers?

Joe, maybe we ought to resign. It ain't fair.

- It's a dirty trick to pull on Pa. - What do you mean, resign?

We'll just work extra hard next week and give Pa a day off.

Unless you're trying to weasel out again.

Not on your life.

Coffee, Mr. Hoss?

Coffee, Little Joe?

Huh.

Hey, Mr. Simpson. Well, what do you think of it?

I got to admit, Joe. I never expected nothing like this.

The way I figure it, nothing's too good for the next mayor.

Mayor Simpson.

Mayor Titus Simpson.

Does sort of have a ring to it, don't it?

Hey, Tim, how about a little more red bunting on the railing?

You bet, Mr. Simpson.

If I'm gonna be mayor, I reckon I'd better start acting like one.

We'll show that Phineas Burke how real politicians work!

- Right, Joseph? - That's the attitude.

Say, Joseph, there's something I wanna discuss with you...

- One of ours? - No, it's one of Burke's men.

He started it, Deputy. We saw the whole thing.

Yeah, I know.

It's my guess he's one of Burke's hired hands.

On your feet.

We gotta teach that Burke that he can't pull any underhanded tricks on us.

But, Mr. Simpson, you really didn't see anything.

Don't you think you're going a bit too far?

Now, look here, Joseph. It was you who started the ball rolling.

It was you who forced Burke to show his hand,

forced him to show me what a perfidious turncoat he really is.

Mr. Simpson, I really think you're going a little too far.

I'm just taking your advice.

Is that the kind of a man you want for a mayor? It's time for a change.

Drive the rascals out, I say.

A new broom sweeps clean.

May I remind you, Joseph, that those are your words?

The speech you wrote for me?

The speech that's gonna make me the next mayor of Virginia City?

Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that speech.

Maybe we ought to tone it down a trifle.

The way you say it, it doesn't sound the same. That's not the image...

Image? By gad, Joseph, you've done it again!

I've got to be an image to the voters.

Well, not the real me, but the man they think they want.

I got to get over to the tailor's and get me some new duds.

Mayor Simpson.

I'll see you later, Joseph.

I gotta practice if I'm gonna make that speech at two o'clock.

- Mr. Simpson, I... - Mayor Simpson!

Hi, Phineas. Your speech is all set for two o'clock.

I've been out on the street talking it up with the folks.

You ought to have a good crowd.

I don't know, Hoss. I'm not too much on this speech making.

Phineas, you'll be great.

I mean, after all, I spent a lot of time writing that speech.

- You ain't gonna let me down, are you? - Oh, I'll do my best.

I got to admit you sure wrote a fine speech for me.

Yeah, you really got a way with words.

"When, in the course of human events..."

Well, that's plumb beautiful.

Yeah, it just sort of come to me.

Look, Phineas, you got to practice cause you got to be good.

It ain't so important what you say, it's how you say it.

You see, if you do it good, you'll have all them voters yelling and stomping.

And they'll be yelling, "Phineas Burke!

- The next mayor of Virginia City!" - You really think so?

Doggone right. You'd better, too, unless you want old Titus elected.

Never.

Now, you practice that speech, you hear? I'll see you at two o'clock.

I'll be ready.

"When, in the course of human events..."

"When in the course... of human events..."

"When in the course of human... events..."

- Clem. - Hello, Ben.

I see you're pretty busy.

Yeah, I'm pretty busy.

I wonder if I can talk you into coming to town.

Huh?

Well, Joe and Hoss are in there

and you just wouldn't believe the ruckus they've stirred up.

Three days ago, it was as peaceful as ducks on a millpond.

Now, it's more like a sack full of bobcats.

Not doing anything illegal, are they?

No, nothing illegal, but sure prodding folks into making a mess of things.

26 fights, four busted store windows.

I got 14 of the town citizens locked up in the jailhouse, Ben.

Well, Clem, you're not criticizing people

for expressing their political views, are you?

- Because it's my opinion... - No.

That people should take an interest in their government.

That's a mild way of putting it, Ben.

Well, maybe the boys are expressing a youthful exuberance in their campaigning

but, well, as you said, they're not doing anything illegal.

No, nothing but making enemies out of old long-time friends.

Nothing but egging folks on to tearing half the town apart.

Well, you must be exaggerating.

- You see, healthy dissension... - No, I'm not.

In an election is what keeps our country strong.

The American way.

Citizens! Citizens.

I know you didn't come to hear me speak.

You came to weigh the words of a man who cherishes the future of this fair city,

a man who holds dear the very principles on which this nation was founded.

A man who needs no introduction.

Citizens, the next mayor of Virginia City...

Citizens. Citizens.

Citizens.

Citizens.

Citizens!

Over here is the man you came to hear speak.

The next mayor of Virginia City...

That's right, ladies and gentlemen.

The next mayor of Virginia City, Phineas Burke.

Citizens, just... Citizens, just a minute.

Now, is this any way to run a democracy?

After all, one of the great principles of this country is free speech.

And I'm quite sure you're not going to allow this rude interruption

to keep you from hearing the words of my candidate.

Thank you.

Uh... Good citizens of Virginia City.

I, uh...

Um...

Yes, yes, I stand before you, uh... fearless and undaunted.

Uh...

ready to, uh, assume the, uh, duties of...

Yes, I stand before you...

Uh... Uh...

I forgot the speech you wrote.

Ladies and gentlemen, they can't say we didn't give them a chance.

You came here to listen to a speech and, by grannies, you're gonna to hear one.

I give you the golden-throated Phineas Burke.

I, uh...

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

I'm sorry, Joseph, but at least I didn't do as bad as he did.

No, you're right. We ought to strike while the iron is hot. Citizens!

Citizens, your attention for just a moment.

I wanted to tell you why Titus Simpson was unable to speak to you a moment ago.

Because he was choked-up. He was choked-up, and why?

I'll tell you, why, because he could see the trust

and the respect in the eyes of the people that he holds so dear.

Now, doesn't that prove to you that he is the only man

to be at the helm of the highest office of Virginia City?

The only man who can guide us through the stormy seas ahead.

A man of progress, a man of destiny,

the unimpeachable Titus Simpson.

Ladies and gentlemen, now you heard all of that hogwash, listen to mine a while.

The only reason Mr. Burke here,

the only reason he didn't say nothing

was that he was just choked-up more than Mr. Simpson was.

Don't that prove that he's even... that he's even more im...

- What was that word? - Unimpeachable.

Unimpeachable, yeah! Unimpeachable!

I don't know much about a hand at the helm

on a stormy sea and none that stuff,

because seeing as how we're better than 100 miles, probably, from the ocean.

Phineas Burke here would make a doggone good mayor, I can tell you that.

- He's getting to them, Joseph. - Sit tight.

That ain't fair, Joe!

That just ain't fair, you hear? That's dirty politics.

Well, now, maybe you know which side you should have been on.

That's dirty politics, and you know it.

Only a man like Simpson would pull a trick like that.

- You'd be a boob if you voted for him. - You calling me a boob?

If the shoe fits...

Citizens of Virginia City...

as I gaze out over the stormy sea of life...

I see calm and prosperity...

Fearless and undaunted, I stand before you,

while over there stands a man that no one should trust...

But... Uh...

Not even his best friend and business partner.

If you're gonna elect a man like that,

that would sink his own business partner,

then everybody's gonna go down like a rock.

But... Uh...

Uh...

Hey, Davey! Davey!

- Come on, it's a fight. - I'll be right there!

Wah!

Where's the fight?

Uh...

Clem, come here a minute. I want to talk...

- Judge, I got to get out... - I have to tell ya.

- I just... - Just a minute. Listen to me.

- I have to talk to you... - In a minute, Judge.

Just a minute! I want to tell you my attitude about this thing.

Now, listen to me. This is very important.

Uh...

Citizens of Virginia City.

- I... - Uh...

- I want to make sure you understand. - I do understand.

I'll take care of it later!

I'll take care of everything.

- Hold it, Joe. I'm on your side. - This one is yours!

Oh, thanks, Joe!

It's the American way.

Well, Pete Carter, huh?

- Right, Judge. - Now, you step into the saloon.

- You'll find the voting booth inside. - Thank you, Judge.

- No trouble so far, Judge? - No. Oh, there has been a big turnout!

This is the biggest election I ever seen.

I can see that.

Next.

It's a good thing I was here to watch,

or you'd have probably tried to stuff the ballot box for Simpson.

- Is that so? - Yeah.

Burke's the one who needs that.

Why, you're probably the only boob in town who voted for him.

You calling me a boob?

I said it before and I'll say it again.

If the shoe...

That'll be just about enough. I have had it.

Now, you go that way, you go that way,

and try to stay away from each other.

Ha! This has been a beautiful election! Beautiful.

Well, it looks like every eligible voter in town has filled in his ballot.

I'm sure you're right,

but we can't officially close the polls for another two hours.

Even so, there's no law that says we can't count the ballots now.

Well, that... that'll be okay by me, Judge,

but I expect we'd better get us a couple of witnesses.

Don't want nobody accusing us of any shenanigans.

Shenanigans?

What makes you think there'd be any shenanigans about this election?

I tell you what, you go and get two witnesses.

- Get Joe and Hoss Cartwright. - Yeah.

Shenanigans!

Burke. Burke. Burke.

Simpson. Burke. Simpson.

Simpson. Simpson. Simpson.

That's all. Now, total them up, Clem.

C'mon, Clem. Did Burke win it?

- Who won? - Come on, Simpson win it?

Well?

Not yet.

- Well, come on, let's go. - Who won?

There's no doubt about it. 302 votes for Phineas Burke.

302 votes for Titus Simpson. It's a tie.

Maybe you made a mistake. What do you mean it's a tie?

Look for yourself. 100, 200, 300.

100, 200, 300. Two left over. It's a tie.

302 votes apiece.

Well, we got to find somebody else that hasn't voted yet,

otherwise we're gonna have to call this a no contest

and have an election again next week.

- Oh, no, not that. - Pa wouldn't like that.

Hey, Pa ain't voted yet, has he?

By jiminy, Hoss, you're right!

No, I did not forget to vote.

For the first time in my life, I deliberately decided not to vote.

What do you mean, you decided not to vote?

First of all, with you two on the opposite sides of the political fence,

I didn't wanna be in the position of having to take sides.

Second of all, Burke and Simpson are good friends of mine.

Both are equally capable.

If you two hadn't interfered,

the town would have been perfectly content to have either one as mayor.

Pa.

Your vote is gonna make the decision. You got to vote.

Otherwise, there'll be a runoff election next week.

The American way to do it.

Yeah, but if there's another election, there's gonna be another campaign.

And we're the campaign managers.

- I'll get my horse. - I'll saddle him for you, Pa.

And don't forget, Titus Simpson will make a wonderful mayor.

I'll get your hat, Pa, in the name of Phineas Burke.

Pa, would you mind telling me and Joe how you're gonna vote?

It seems to me, the way a man votes is his private business.

But it ain't gonna make much difference. Everybody is gonna know how you voted.

Me and Joe want to know who won the bet.

Bet? Oh, is that why you two boys have been putting on

this great big display of civic zeal?

A bet, huh? All right, what was the bet?

Well, see, the loser's got to pay the other one's way to San Francisco,

a little vacation at the end of the summer.

That's a good bet, it's a very good bet,

but you boys made one slight miscalculation.

I'm the one who's going to San Francisco.

You're the ones who are gonna stay home this summer and work. Is that clear?

And while I'm in there voting, I think you boys might walk around town

and try to patch up some of that damage you've caused. Is that clear?

Looks like we're both losers, no matter how he votes.

- Don't it? - Yeah.

You just made it, Ben. Polls close in a few minutes.

- I'm glad I'm on time. - The booth's over there.

Don't feel you have to hurry.

There's no fool like an old fool.

What?

If I had a dunce cap, I'd wear it.

I don't need a dunce cap. I ought to get kicked by a mule.

Ruined!

Friendship of 20 years, ruined, and it's all my fault.

Oh, that ain't so, Titus. It was me that ruined our friendship.

I got delusions of grandeur.

The truth of the matter is

we both got suckered in by them smooth-talking Cartwright brothers.

Something I want you to know, Phineas.

I voted for you.

And I voted for you!

Yeah!

Hey, we still don't know which one of us is gonna be mayor.

Well, I hope it's you.

Ah. I hope it's you. You're the better man.

Hey. Hey.

- Here. - Oh, thanks.

Well, either way, let's make sure nobody ever breaks up our friendship again.

- Let's make very sure. - Mm!

- Titus, Hoss and I wanted to... - You friendship wreckers, you!

- Trouble makers! - Fellas...!

- We wanted to apologize... - Come on, get, get, get!

Friendship wreckers! Get out, get out and stay out!