Original subtitles

Well, all right.

Uncle curtis, I will be right

Back.

I'm just gonna get some water.

What -- come on!

Drink out the hose!

Hey, baby.

How's everything going in the

Yard?

Oh, auntie ella, what do

Older women like?

Hmm.

Well, malik, I can tell you what

We don't like -- being called

"Older women."

Sorry.

Wait, wait, wait.

Malik has a little crush?

How old is she?

Well, she's a girl.

She goes to my school.

Her name's tory.

Tory.

Yup.

She's a senior, and she's

Amazing!

Oh, okay, well, have you told

Her?

I just don't know how.

You cannot go wrong with

Flowers.

Well, yeah, but what kind?

I mean, roses are too serious.

Daisies aren't serious enough.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Try tulips.

Well, what do tulips say?

These "Two lips" are saying

Why aren't you helping me in the

Yard?

Baby, does this look like

Ragweed?

Uh, curtis, that's poison

Ivy.

Aah!

Malik, get out there.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait. No, no, no.

He's telling me --

No, um, nothing, nothing at

All.

Malik, do not be embarrassed.

But it's uncle curtis.

[ laughs ]

Your uncle's been in love.

I have?

Curtis.

[laughing] Oh, that's right.

I have.

[ chuckles sarcastically ]

What's happening?

Malik's in love?

Where'd you find your little

Girly-girl girl-girl?

Well, you in luck 'cause your

Uncle curtis is gonna teach you

Everything he knows about women.

Wait. Everything you know?

You can't even tell poison ivy

When you see it.

Yes, but I know how to plant

The seeds of love.

First thing you got to do is

Grab a hoe.

Curtis.

A garden hoe, ella, so he can

Finish the yard!

Ooh, you got such a dirty mind

To be a biblical woman.

No, I got such a dirty

Husband to be a biblical woman.

Hello.

First thing you got to know

About women -- okay, women --

You got to catch their eye.

Catch their eye, malik, okay?

You got to show them your

Moves, man.

Wait, wait, wait.

Isn't he a little young for

That?

I'm talking about moves on a

Dance floor, man.

If you can't dance, you ain't

Got a chance.

You heard me?

Well, you know, I can dance.

I ain't talking about that.

I ain't -- huh!

I ain't talking about that

Cramping.

I ain't talking about that.

Krumping.

Like you know what it is.

I'm talking about dancing, okay?

I'm talking about smooth, star.

I'm talking about smooth.

First you hit them with

Gregory hines.

[ imitating tapping ]

That's the kind of stuff that

Gets them going.

See, I caught their attention,

Okay?

And when I got their attention,

Then I hit them with -- uh-oh!

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. That's hammer.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Hammer, don't hurt 'em!

Then they know you mean

Business!

Or you crazy.

Okay?

[ laughs ]

Shut up.

I'm giving my lessons.

Then -- then you sprinkle just a

Pinch -- a little prince.

[ high-pitched voice ] Ooh!

[ normal voice ] It's like you

Almost don't get it out.

[ chuckles ]

[ high-pitched voice ] Ooh!

Uh-huh!

[ normal voice ] A pinch of

Prince will go a long way.

Okay?

Then you top it off with a

Little james brown.

[ imitating james brown ] Unh!

Help me!

Uhh!

[ normal voice ] And you can put

As much james as you want 'cause

That's gonna drive them crazy.

[ imitating james brown ] Uhh!

Good god!

Help me!

[ normal voice ] That's when you

Get the cape.

Oh.

Get that.

[ imitating james brown ] Uhh!

[ garbled speaking ]

Good god! I don't need that!

[ normal voice ] There you go.

Now you try it.

Oh, okay.

Let's see what you got.

All right, well, um --

Give me the cape.

So, you start out like this.

Uh-huh.

[ imitating tapping ]

Ooh, that's smooth.

Watch out, boy.

Then you said some hammer.

Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

He did that better than me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then some prince.

[ squealing ]

Whoa, whoa, hey.

No, that's an an alien.

[ chuckles ]

Okay, that's enough of that,

Though.

Okay.

Whoa! Oh!

Whoo!

Ohh!

[ groans ]

Son.

Son, don't -- you okay?

You okay, son?

[ groans ]

Don't -- don't do none of

That, okay?

Don't do none of that 'cause

If you do that, somebody gonna

Think he had a stroke.

Well, at least he'll get

Mouth-to-mouth.

Now let's see what you got.

Now, if you really want to

Get you a woman, first thing --

Listen to your daddy -- don't

Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,

Ever...Go after her.

You just cast your line out

There.

Hwhoo!

[ clicks tongue ]

Wait for them.

Then you give them the look.

The look?

Yes, sir, the look.

That's to let them know, "See,

I'm thinking that you're

Thinking that I'm thinking what

You're thinking."

That's a lot of thinking.

Yes, sir.

And that look looks like

You're thinking that you need to

Go to the bathroom.

I know how to get women.

Hey, guys, what's going on

Out here?

[ laughs ]

Well, uncle curtis and dad are

Helping me out.

With girls?

[ laughs ]

What are you laughing at?

Malik, the only reason your

Father had a date for his

Freshman dance was because his

Cousin tanisha came to town to

Have her right leg brace

Adjusted.

[ laughs ]

Oh, dad, please tell me

That's not true.

No, no.

It was the left leg.

Speaking of pitiful, curtis,

Before I met you, you couldn't

Get a date from a calendar.

Oh, please.

Oh, come on, uncle curtis.

You said you were the mack.

I was the mack.

I had dates.

I just -- I was busy.

And I had to concentrate on my

Studies.

Baby, you had a 1.8

Grade-point average.

That's why I had to study.

School is hard.

And pimpin' ain't easy.

Move.

Malik, let me give you some good

Advice, okay?

Okay.

You are a good young man with

A lot to offer.

Any young girl would be lucky to

Go out with you.

You think so?

Yes, baby.

So, all you have to do is just

Be yourself.

Be honest.

And just tell her how you feel.

That would...

Both: never work.

Ever.

That's the worst advice ever!

Malik, again, most

Importantly, just be yourself.

So, being myself -- is that

How uncle curtis won you over,

By being himself?

Oh, please.

If curtis had been himself back

Then [chuckles] Oh, I'd be

Married to my high-school

Sweetheart cary penn in

Holly springs, mississippi.

Oh, yeah, we used to just roll

Down highway 78 in that black

Cougar, listening to luther,

Debarge, l.T.D.

Ahh! Yes!

You could always go visit him

At the state penitentiary!

[ chuckles ]

He's there till life -- eons.

[ laughter ]

I heard that!

All life.

[ laughter ]

Baby, we're still $1,400

Short.

Can you sell any more of your

Shoes?

Baby, you didn't sell any shoes?

Baby, how can I sell my

Shoes?

My feet are entirely too narrow,

And no one can fit in my

Leopard-print jimmy choos with

The gold buckles and the little

Buttons on them.

Baby, this is real.

Our mortgage payment is due by

The end of the week.

We agreed to sell whatever.

Okay, I'll just call t-dog.

T-dog?

What?

Yeah, you know, I'll just

Give him a call real quick.

We can, you know, run a little

Hustle.

Give me three days, and I got

You, baby.

You know [laughs] I can get

Money.

And you can get locked up,

Too.

Hey, at least me and the baby

Will have somewhere to sleep.

Miranda, quit playing.

No hustles.

Baby, I am just kidding with

You.

You know it's a joke.

We can always ask my mom.

No, no, I am not going in

Debt to her.

I think she takes souls for

Payment.

No.

Well, we got to ask somebody.

No. We don't.

I'm the man of this household,

And I'll provide for my family.

I just need you to believe in

Me.

I do.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

You got it.

There you go.

I'm so happy that you could stop

By, tory.

I am, too.

I mean, I usually don't even

Look at guys your age, but I

Like your style, malik.

I hope we can see more of each

Other.

Yeah, I would love to see

More of you, too!

Um, of course, with clothes on

And in school.

[ chuckles ]

I'm sorry. I'm just so nervous.

Um...

I know what you mean.

[ knock on door ]

Um, that must be my

Uncle curtis here to pick up

Groceries or something.

Denise told me I'd find you

Here.

Vincent?

Vincent? Wh-wh-who's vincent?

Uh, please -- please tell me

This is your brother.

I'm her boyfriend, punk!

Uh, tory, your boyfriend's

Here.

We've only been out a couple

Of times.

Malik, it's not that serious.

Well, um, right now it looks

Pretty serious to me.

Come on. We're leaving, tory.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on,

Player.

You can't just caveman up in

Here and just try to drag her

Out by the hair.

Oh, yeah?

Vincent, I think you should

Leave.

So it's like that, huh?

Yeah, that's what it's like.

Fine. I'll leave.

But you and me have business to

Finish.

[scoffs]

What, you want to fight?

Yeah!

Oh.

Why did I ask that?

Me [chuckles] And you.

I'll pick the time!

Well, I'll pick the place.

Oh, my god, why can't I stop

Myself?

See you then.

Yeah, see you there!

Stop it, malik.

[ scoffs ] Oh, yeah?

And you...

[ coughs ]

[ scoffs ]

I am so sorry, malik.

You don't have to fight vincent.

He's the captain of the school

Boxing team.

Well, that's information I

Could've used five minutes ago.

[ stammers ]

Uncle curtis!

Come on and show it to him!

We're winning!

Yeah, we gonna show this boy

A thing or two about the sweet

Science of pugilism.

Ha!

Well, I hope you two know

More about boxing than you do

Women.

Yeah.

When we get through with you,

You gonna beat that boy like he

Just stole something!

Okay, curtis, wait a minute.

Um, just for the record, guys, I

Think this is a bad idea.

Would you be still?

'cause nothing is ever solved

Through violence.

What you want the boy to do,

Ella?

Run? Hide?

Okay, wait, wait, wait.

Aren't you guys just a little

Worried about malik getting

Hurt?

Yeah, um, you know, I'm a

Little concerned about that.

Come on. Try to hit me.

Try to hit me.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

Give it to him, son.

Ugh!

[ coughs ]

I saw it coming.

[ coughs ]

You got to let me put my guard

Up!

You can't just start swinging

'cause the bell rung!

But you said take a hit!

Yeah, but I didn't say --

[ shouting indistinctly ]

I don't understand what

You're saying!

Ow!

Goodness gracious, that

Could've happened to

Joe frazier.

Joe frazier do the same thing if

He got hit wrong.

Yeah, that's right.

Okay, you know, I am not

Going to stand around and watch

This.

Malik, good luck, baby.

No, um, um, auntie ella, you

Will pray for me, right?

I know you have an "In" with him

And everything.

[ laughs ] No. I won't.

Don't worry about that, boy.

You ain't gonna need that.

You're not gonna need that!

You are "Payne the freight

Train"!

Put your guard up.

Okay.

Put your guard up.

Okay, now I want you to try to

Hit me, right...

[ whimpers ]

...Without getting hit.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

Ooh!

Ugh.

Aah!

[ laughs ]

Aah! Aah!

Ow.

It ain't looking good.

Don't you have any moves,

Boy?

I mean, from tv, comic books,

Videos, nightmares?

I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Well, I hope you love a

Beatdown.

Now let's try this again.

Okay.

All right.

Ladies and gentlemen and

Children of all ages, welcome to

The beatdown off the playground!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

[ cheers and applause ]

Okay.

And in this corner, weighing a

Hell of a lot more than malik,

Vincent waller, "The

Neighborhood mauler"!

[ crowd chanting "Vincent" ]

Okay, enough of that.

Okay, in this corner, fighting

For the love and glory --

Come on. Bring him in.

Bring him in.

[ whimpering ]

Come on.

He doesn't want to do it.

Rock-o!

[ cheers and applause ]

We've got malik payne!

[ cheers and applause ]

[ crowd chanting "Go, malik" ]

All right, guys.

Guys, come together.

I want you guys to have a clean

Fight -- well, not too clean.

I want it to be a fair fight.

If you get a chance, punch him

In the throat, okay?

All right, guys, ready?

Tap gloves.

Ding!

Go, malik!

Get him!

Oh!

I can't watch this.

I can't watch this.

Uncle curtis, you think

Malik's got a chance?

I got $5 on him.

Wow.

Uncle curtis, nice.

Yeah.

Curtis, come on, baby --

What is happening?

Oh, baby, they're just

Feeling them out, feeling each

Other out, trying to find a weak

Spot.

Ohh!

[ crowd ohhs ]

And he found one.

He just hit him in the ribs.

Oh, oh, curtis, get him out

Of there.

Curtis, get him out.

[ indistinct shouting ]

Okay, look out, malik.

Look out.

[ crowd ohhs ]

Oh! Good punch.

Yeah, too bad malik didn't

Throw it.

Look out, malik! Look out!

Ohh!

Whoa.

He is catching a beatdown!

[ crowd ohhs ]

Oh, time-out, time-out,

Time-out!

You can't call time-out in

Boxing!

[ groans ]

Okay, I just want you to know

That, no matter what happens,

I'm proud of you.

You're my son, and I'll always

Be proud of you.

All right.

And I'm proud of you, too.

I mean, I got $20 on vincent, so

[chuckles] I'm good whichever

Way it goes.

Wait, how you gonna bet on

Him?

I'm your nephew.

What are you doing?

Ding!

Aah!

Stay sharp, son.

Stay sharp.

[ crowd ohhing ]

Watch out.

Malik, watch him.

You got to duck the shots!

Oh. Ohh.

Ohh, that one -- he got rocked

With that one.

Unh!

Ohh.

You know what?

I don't think he's gonna win

This fight.

Hey, malik!

Just wave your hands.

"No más! No más!"

No más! No más!

[ crowd ohhs ]

Ohh!

Whoa!

What happened? What happened?

He just got knocked out.

Oh, poor malik!

No, malik knocked out

Vincent.

Ah!

It was an accident, but it

Counts.

[ crowd cheering ]

Both: 2, 4, 6, 8!

Who do we appreciate?

Malik!

Malik, are you okay?

What hurts?

Well, everything except my

Eyebrows.

Oh, that was amazing.

You were so brave.

I thought you were giving up.

Well, no, no, you know, I was

Just trying to wear him down

Till I could throw in my power

Move, the "No más."

Yeah, I learned that from my

Uncle curtis.

Oh, your uncle must be one

Heck of a man.

Yeah, well, you know, it runs

In the family.

Ooh, um, did not expect that.

[ chuckles ]

Don't worry.

It won't be the last one.

You want to go out on saturday?

Well, well, sure, you know,

After, um, the swelling goes

Down, I'll be perfectly fine.

Sure.

All right.

[ exhales sharply ]

Let's see what we can -- mmm.

These are so good.

Mmm. I am so hungry!

Who knew these would go well

Together?

Mmm!

Hey, baby.

Guess who got another job.

Me.

Uh, yeah, the uniform's a

Dead giveaway.

Yeah, I'm a security guard,

Baby, part time.

Wait, wait, wait.

Part time?

But you already have a job and

You have me and you have school

And calvin jr. And the -- and

Me.

You don't have any time.

Well, baby, I never said it

Would be easy.

Calvin, I don't know about

This.

I mean, you're going to be

Exhausted.

Maybe not.

I mean, how demanding can a

Security-guard job be?

I'm just walking around,

Flashing a light and checking

Doors.

Oh, yeah, just try not to get

Shot in the face by a deranged

Criminal.

Miranda, we need more money.

This is something I got to do.

As a matter of fact, I'm doing

It tonight.

Tonight?

We were supposed to spend time

Together.

Look -- I made food.

Well, baby, this is my

Training.

It'll only be about six hours,

On a construction site.

Six hours?

Other shifts will be longer.

Longer?

Look, baby -- I'm doing this

For us, okay?

Now I got to go.

It's just right down the street.

Just call me if you need

Anything, all right?

[ door closes ]

I need water!

Unh-unh-unh.

Come on, creampuff -- on your

Feet, on your feet!

[ groans ]

Come on, come on, come on.

You got to stay on your toes.

Stay on your toes.

Jab. Jab. Cross.

Oh, up, up, left, left cup,

Cup, cup.

Come on. Come on. Jab, jab.

Jab, jab, jab. Jab, jab.

Come on, on your feet, on your

Feet.

You got to keep moving.

On your feet, on your feet.

Jab, jab, jab, upper cut,

Upper cut.

[ groans ]

Look, malik.

Look, baby -- all else fails,

Windmill.

Just windmill!

Just windmill!

Come on, now, kick, kick.

Now kick while you windmill.

And scream, "Ah!"

Ah!

And windmill, windmill.

Ah!

Yes!

Ugh.

[ breathing heavily ]

Champion!