Original subtitles

[ whispering indistinctly ]

Both: I got good news!

Aah! Oh, god.

What, you're not the father

Of the baby?

That is good news.

Very funny.

What, you found 50 cent in the

Couch cushion again?

Hello, hello, hello.

Can somebody just tell me the

News?

I am about to--

I'm first.

I'm her first born.

I'm her first husband, okay?

I'm your first husband, right,

Ella?

Uh...Curtis, you know what?

Ella?

Listen -- can somebody just

Please tell me some news?

I am about to be a

Georgia state graduate.

Unh!

Hm!

Ha ha!

Oh, that is great.

Your son.

Wow, you're finally gonna

Bring home a b.A. -- 'cause

We've been so tired of your b.S.

Curtis.

Look 00 I only have one

Elective left to take to

Graduate -- early childhood

Education.

Unh!

Wait, wait, wait, wait,

Calvin.

With dr. Pascal?

Yeah.

I'm taking that class.

You're in the same class?

I'm taking it!

Oh, oh, yeah!

[ laughs ]

Ba ba boop boop bop -- yeah.

[ laughs ]

That's great, right?

No, that wasn't it.

That wasn't it.

Curtis.

Yeah, whoopee, okay?

Okay, baby.

Okay, just tell me your news.

Can I tell you my news,

Please?

Please.

I don't want to interrupt

Your little stepping class,

Whatever it is.

Yeah. Right?

Come on, baby.

I'm going corporate, baby.

Ah!

Uh, do they hire

Firefighters?

Yeah, baby, they probably

Want me to be a safety inspector

Or something.

Oh, that's cool, pops.

If it doesn't work out,

Somebody's always looking for a

Safety walrus...

Or a safety blowfish...

Or a safety penguin.

You're such a hater.

A safety seal, okay?

Thank you.

Matter of fact...

Curtis.

...Get your seal out of my

Seat.

How about that?

Okay, curtis, please, baby,

Sit down and just tell me about

The position.

Yeah! I'm so excited!

[ laughs ] Whoo.

I can't tell you nothing till

Tomorrow.

That's when my interview is.

Ah.

Uh-oh. Curtis, wait a

Minute, baby.

What?

You may need to brush up on

Your interviewing skills.

Ah.

[ chuckles ] What?!

You may need to brush up on

Your --

I heard you.

Come on, baby,

I'm your man.

This is curtis payne.

I got the gift of gab.

You know I got a gift.

God gave me the gift.

Curtis, that's what I'm

Afraid of, baby.

Oh, listen -- malik is taking a

Career-counseling course.

He can tutor you.

Oh, please, that boy can't do

Nothing for me.

Yes, he can.

Whoa, whoa, pop.

You kidding?

Pop, you better listen to

Mom.

She's a coed now.

She knows things.

Wow.

That's more than I can say for

You.

I guess the old saying is

True --

Curtis.

"Those that can, graduate."

Curtis.

"And those that can't...

"And those that can't... Go to class with their mama.

Go to class with their mama.

Calvin?

Mm-hmm?

Baby, I know we are going to

Ace this class.

I told you, ma -- you stick

With me, we're gonna blow right

Through this course.

I know.

You've taken it, what, three

Times?

[ chuckles ]

You got your little jokes, huh?

Sorry, baby.

Listen -- I just know we're

Gonna

Go to the top of this class

Together.

The top.

So, now, calvin, I was

Thinking --

Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh.

I've already started my idea for

The presentation.

Yeah.

Okay, well, baby, after we do

That, I was thinking --

Oh, check it out --

3-d graphics.

Kwhoo.

Hey, baby check it out.

Check it out.

Huh? Whoo!

It's the charm master.

Me in this suit -- I could talk

A eskimo into buying a snocone.

Curtis, you are really pumped

About this job, aren't you?

Baby, please.

With this suit and my charm, the

Job is in the bag.

You heard me?

Get that job, baby.

I got it.

Get it. Get it.

Okay, calvin, I was thinking --

Whoa, whoa, hold up. Look.

Check that out, mom.

Don't that look good?

Calvin, baby, I have some

Ideas, too, that I would like to

Show you.

Great, great.

Yeah, and I'm gonna make the

Planets orbit.

Uh-huh.

And maybe I'll set it to

Music -- you know, narration.

Yeah, why not?

What are you two up to?

Oh, me and my classmate here

Are working on our presentation

For class.

Ah.

Actually, curtis, we're

Supposed to be coming up with a

Method to teach preschoolers how

To remember all of the planets,

And --

Oh, baby, that's easy.

Just teach 'em association.

Association -- venus...Williams,

Got a sister serena.

Earth...Wind, and fire.

Curtis, please.

Greatest group ever.

Uh, mercury...

Mm-hmm.

...Saturn, and...

I can't never get that last

One, can't never get the last

One.

Bluto!

He used to beat up popeye.

Oh.

[ chuckles ]

You should be working for nasa.

[ laughs ]

Now, see, if you'd studied

Your books and paid attention in

School, you'd realize lincoln

Freed the slaves!

We don't have to work for nasa

No more.

Wow.

[ laughs ]

You know what, curtis?

Baby, sometimes I think we

Should just put you in a glass

Case and charge admission so

That people can just come look

At you, baby, and see that you

Really are real.

You know, that's what my mama

Used to say.

But she'd never charge.

She knew it was a gift from god.

Right.

You give it away.

You give that away.

Yeah.

But I will charge.

But I will charge. [ laughs ]

[ laughs ]

All right, marge, for lunch,

I will have a double

Cheeseburger -- with curly fries

This time, okay? -- and also I

Would like a mineral water --

No tap water, none of that.

You know, you got that for me

Last time.

I did not like that at all.

Mineral water, please.

Thank you.

[ clears throat ]

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, I'm just ordering my

Lunch.

Uh, uh, I mean, um, you are

Late, sir.

Late for what?

For your interview.

What the --

Malik, are you crazy?

Did you bump your head?

I know it's easy, as big as it

Is.

I'm not malik.

I'm the interviewer, and you're

The interviewee, okay?

Aunty ella asked me to help you

Prepare for your interview

Today.

Oh, whatever.

Look -- I got a real interview,

Okay?

And I'm in a hurry.

I can't be going through this

Mess.

Well, I'm in a hurry, too,

So -- uncle curtis, come on.

Come on. Come on.

Look -- the workplace out there

Is hard nowadays.

I'm just helping you prepare.

The questions that they're gonna

Ask you are very hard, all

Right?

So, please...

Okay, I appreciate that.

Come on. You got 5 minutes.

All right.

Make it quick. Make it quick!

Oh, okay.

Uh, sir, do you have your

Resumé?

Um, that's not in a portfolio.

What the hell is that?

I'll take a look at this.

Um...

[ sniffs ] Pork chops?

Barbecue.

[ laughs ]

Ghetto, ghetto, ghetto.

[ chuckles ]

Do you have one without sauce?

You like yours dry, huh?

I do. I do.

This here.

Okay. Thank you.

See, this is clean.

[ both laugh ]

Prepared.

Okay, now, we have here

Mr. Panini?

Mr. Pani--

Oh, give me a break!

Sir, it's these crazy ethnic

Names, okay?

Now, how do you pronounce that?

It's payne, like what my

Nephew is about to feel.

Uncle curtis, look -- we're

Role-playing here, and you're

Not playing very nice.

[ chuckles ]

[ clears throat ]

Get on with it.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, you can call me

Mr. Taylor van housen.

Okay, taylor van housen,

Son of a--

Please, please!

I will not be spoken to that

Way.

I am from h.R.

And you're about to be in

E.R. 'cause I'm from the atl.

You heard?

Okay, okay, uh, mr. Panini,

Please, okay, try to refrain

From levity.

Spell it.

It's not about me right now,

Okay, mr. Panini?

Aah.

You better get on with it

'cause this ain't helping me.

I thought this was gonna help.

Well, I'm --

You gonna help?!

I'm about to help you with

These questions I'm about to

Ask.

Okay.

[ clears throat ]

Now, if you were a tree and you

Fell in the forest, what sound

Would you make?

Then I guess I would make the

Same sound that you're gonna

Make when I fall on you.

Now, what the hell kind of

Questions are these?

I'm getting sick of them.

Okay. Uh, short temper.

Okay, next question -- do you

Know html?

Hmm. Html.

Yeah, I think so.

I had a bout with that last

Winter.

[ laughs ]

Laughs to keeps from crying.

Stop to keep from dying.

Mr. Panini, please cease

These shenanigans!

How about I take the

Shenanigans and put 'em --

Marge! Marge!

Marge, this interview is

Over.

How about that?

How about that? Let's go. You out of here.

Let's go. You out of here.

♪ around the sun the

Planets run ♪

♪ learning the solar system

Is fun ♪

Hey, ma -- check it out.

Whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?

Okay, calvin, I decided to

Move ahead with my ideas for the

Project.

Behold -- the planets of payne.

What is all this?

What is this?

Oh, oh, oh, calvin these are

My plans that I drew.

[ chuckles ]

It's the solar system.

Our solar system with the

Earth in it?

Yes, calvin.

I thought it would be a nice way

To teach all of the children so

That they can see all of the

Planets.

[ laughs ]

These are planets?

Yes, calvin.

[ laughs ]

Aunty ella, aunty ella, I

Can't take it!

I can't take it anymore!

Okay, malik, what is it?

What's wrong, baby?

Look -- uncle curtis is

Unemployable!

He wants to be in charge of

Everybody, claims he knows

Everything, and refuses to

Embrace new technology.

You got all this from a mock

Interview?

No, this is all his resumé.

Look, I can't take it.

I got to go. I got to go.

Well, wait, wait.

Okay, malik, wait, okay?

I'm sorry about that.

Get this. Get it.

Malik, look. Look.

Behold -- the planets of payne.

Baby, it's the solar system.

What? Wait.

Our solar system, the one with

Earth in it?

That's what I said.

Well, what happened to earth?

And this is the sun.

Okay, wait a minute.

Yes, that is the sun, and this

Is saturn or pluto.

And this -- this is the earth.

[ planet crunches ]

Oh!

We're dead.

Whoa, destroyer of the world.

[ both laugh ]

[ chuckles ]

Uh, mom, seriously, let's go

Back to my idea.

Okay, guys, I have been

Working on this all day.

This is just my first try.

Well, you try to create a

Universe in one day?

It took god six days.

[ both laugh ]

Mom, seriously, let's go back

To my idea.

Calvin, you haven't even

Looked at my idea, all of it.

But, mom, look, this --

Calvin, listen.

Now, I am your mother, baby.

Whoa.

Now, maybe you have not --

Young malik senses danger and

Decides to return to the safety

Of his own home.

Now. Bye-bye.

Mom, if we turn this in,

Nobody will respect our project.

It looks like something

Preschoolers would do.

Calvin, exactly.

That's who it's for --

Preschoolers.

Mom, I'm sorry. No.

If we turn this in, we'll get

Laughed at.

It's a joke!

Oh, really?

Oh, it's a joke, is it?

Okay, well, calvin, you know

What?

I got a joke for you.

Mom --

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Your mama.

Your mama who?

Your mama can't believe how

Insensitive and ungrateful her

Only son has gotten.

Thank you.

Mom, I was just kidding.

Mom, I was just kidding. Mom!

Mom!

I don't care what everyone

Says.

This would have gotten us an

"A."

Calvin?

[ sighs ]

See --

Whoo!

Hi, baby.

Hey, baby, I'm home!

I know.

Oh, it smells great!

Mwah!

Baby, why are you yelling?

What?

Baby, you got to speak up!

Why are you whispering?

I'm not whispering.

Oh!

[ laughs ]

My first day was great!

Thanks for asking!

Curtis, I did not ask how

Your day was.

What, are you deaf?

I said it was great!

I love the place!

I could work there forever!

Curtis, what kind of place is

This?

You made fish?

[ chuckles ]

Curtis, I did not make fish!

Then why did you ask me if I

Want some?

Come here!

What type of place is dynamic

Enterprises?

Dynam-- no.

Dynamite franchises!

It's an explosives-testing

Facility!

We blow stuff up!

Oh.

All day!

[ laughs ]

It's great!

All the guys wear protective ear

Gear!

I told 'em I don't need it!

We got jesus!

Well, baby, you need a set.

Baby, please! I'm tired!

I have a headache!

You have such a one-track mind!

Curtis, stop yelling and sit.

Ella, you don't have to cuss

Me!

I said -- baby, I said sit

Down!

Down! Sit!

Oh! Oh!

Listen -- I am calling your

Employer tomorrow, and I am

Quitting for you.

You're already too loud!

No. You're already too loud.

Touchdown! That's right!

Thank you, baby!

I forgot the game was on!

You know what?

You're getting me upset.

Okay, okay, if you insist!

[ sighs ]

Just let me take a shower first,

Okay?

Okay? Then you can come meet me.

Then you can come meet me.

Curtis.

You still working on your

Solar-system project?

Yes, baby.

I think you should use this

For earth.

I was gonna use it for mars.

What?

You want me to move my car?

[ doorbell rings ]

Doorbell.

What did you call me?

Never mind! I'll get it!

Oh --

What the hell?

No, really, what the hell,

Calvin?

Calvin, what --

You --

Oh, that's my model!

Baby, he's wearing your

Model!

Why is dad talking loud?

Because it was his first and

Last day at the explosives

Testing facility!

You don't have to shout,

Baby!

I'm not deaf!

Oh. Sorry, curtis.

What?

Wait. He can't hear?

No, not a thing.

Really?

No.

[ laughs ]

Pop, miranda's having octuplets,

Eight babies.

An octopus hates your babies?

[ laughs ]

And we're all moving here.

And you're giving them beer?

That's my boy!

Can we keep him like this?

Would you please stop playing

With your father and tell me why

Are you wearing my model?

Well, I upgraded your plans.

I stayed up all night.

I couldn't let my project

Partner down.

Calvin, you shouldn't have.

Yes, I should.

[ laughs ]

It slipped. I'm sorry.

There we go.

I mean, you're the woman that

Taught me everything I know, and

I should have listened to your

Ideas instead of being

Disrespectful.

[ sighs ] Calvin.

[ laughs ]

No, baby, really, you

Shouldn't have because I did the

Project.

What did you do?

Let me show you.

Stop. Stop it.

Pull it up here.

Oh, I get it -- baby, calvin

Is supposed to be a eclipse of

The sun!

No.

With gold teeth.

No. My son is the sun.

He can't be the sun.

Nobody want to wake up to calvin

Every morning.

Baby, don't listen to your

Father, please.

You look wonderful.

And, calvin, I'm sorry

Because --

No, don't do it.

You know, I think our projects

Go well together and -- one

Second.

I feel the same way.

I made this for you because

You are my star.

Ahh!

Ooh, I want one!

No.

Well -- oh, behold --

The planets of payne!

I think we make a great team.

Don't you think?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, we do.

What?!

Oh, get him. Get him.

Get him, baby.

Yeah.

Hey, pop, you know that dent in

Your fender you got five years

Ago?

I did that.

That's great, son!

I'm proud of you, too!

Curtis...I'm just gonna go to

The mall, baby, and just go

Crazy with your credit cards.

[ laughs ]

You do, and I'll choke the hell

Out of you!

[ laughs ]

You can hear me?

What?!

What?! Goes in and out.

Goes in and out.

Hey, uncle curtis, could I

Borrow --

Uncle curtis?

Ugh!

Yah! Ohhhhhh!

Malik!

You can't sneak up on me like

That.

You know I'm trained to kill.

Okay, um, could I --

I came in to --

What?

What are you doing?

I'm turning down the sound.

Look -- I was wondering if it

Would be all right with you...

I can't hear you!

See, I wanted to come here,

And I was asking you, could I

Borrow --

You're gonna have to speak

Up!

Forget it. Forget it.

Oh, good, grab me one, too!

Oh, good, grab me one, too! You're old enough!

You're old enough!

Gonna milk this as long as I

Gonna milk this as long as I Can.