Original subtitles

Jazzy! Jazzy, how we looking?

The papa bear hibernates

While pork chops cook in fish

Grease.

What?

That's code for "There's no

Sign of uncle curtis."

C.J., hurry up, man.

Miranda's at the condo waiting

On me.

Hey, hey, don't forget that

Jazzy's staying with you guys

While we work on the house.

That's today?

What? You forgot?

Uh, no.

Jazzy! How we looking now?

The papa bear eats catfish,

But the hot sauce gives him

Gout.

C.J., c.J., can we take a

Rain check on the babysitting?

No, man. I'm counting on you.

Come on, man, me and miranda

Need some time alone to, you

Know, do married-people stuff.

What y'all gonna do, take a

Nap?

Come on, man.

Janine is sick at the house,

Throwing up, and I got a million

Things to do.

Well, you'll be sick, too, if

Pops finds out you're taking

All their --

[ imitating siren ]

If pops finds out what?

Mayday! Mayday!

Papa bear came out of his cave,

And he about to eat his young!

You know what, cousin calvin?

I'll be in the car if you need

Me.

Why is the garage door open?

And why do you have all of my

Old stuff from the curtis payne

Player palace?

Well, see, aunt ella h-had

Said that, uh, you know, we

Could take some of your old

Stuff, um, over to my place.

Uh, you need to take, uh,

Your aunt ella and get my stuff

Back to the garage now.

But, unc, we just borrowed a

Few things, man.

This is the last load.

Are you implying that there

Are previous loads?

We need everything.

You need nothing.

C.J., be breezy.

Miranda's waiting on me.

Oh, that's code for "You're in

Trouble."

Hey, miranda's back home?

You finally got that ankle

Monitor for her?

Where you going?

Whoo whoo whoo!

Whoo ahh whoo ahh!

Come on, unc.

What?

We just need a few things for

The house blessing.

Didn't you bless your last

House?

Yeah.

And how did that work out

For you, smokey?

Hey, baby.

Hey!

Can you believe it? We are

Finally back in our own house.

Look at this!

Oh.

Got some bad news.

What?

Uncle grumpy came home while

We were moving his fur-covered

8-track player.

You all took the fur-covered

8-track?

No.

We had to move that to get to

The things that didn't have fur

All over.

Matter of fact, he's on his way

Over here now to see what else

We took.

I can't deal with this today,

Baby.

What, baby? What?

You want me to get you some

Aspirins, baby?

No, no. I just -- I just need

To sit in a nice,

Comfortable...Chair and,

Um...

Yeah, this thing, and maybe

Some peace and quiet would be

Nice if I could just put --

Okay, this --

Just lay back. There you go.

There you go.

Are you ready for some jesus!

Oh, no. Floyd.

* this little house of mine

Won't burn down this time *

Whoo!

* this little house of mine

Whoo!

* won't burn down this time

Floyd! Floyd!

Yes, sir.

What are you doing?

Curtis told me y'all was

Having a house blessing.

Yeah.

So I came to bless the house.

That was your free version,

Though.

Now, for an upgraded blessing

And $39.95, may I add, I can

Have the tallahatchie mass choir

To come over here and sing.

* wade in the water

No.

* wade

And it comes with a free gift.

A gift?

Yeah. Free gift.

What is it?

After you pay $39.95, you can

Have this free gift.

Because of your prior

Experiences with fires, I

Thought you might need that.

You're still married to her,

Right?

Uh-huh.

* wade in the water

Floyd...

Floyd, what are you -- floyd,

Stop!

Floyd.

This is nice.

Floyd.

I said * wade

He is here to help me take my

Stuff back to my house.

* wade in the water

Listen, listen.

No more negro spirituals.

* wade

Ah. I just want to relax.

I just want to relax and sit

Down and enjoy myself in my

Chair.

Can I --

Ha! It's not your chair.

It's my chair.

Give me my chair.

No.

Give me the chair.

Janine doesn't feel well.

She needs the chair.

I don't care about janine.

What do I care about janine?

She shouldn't feel well.

I wouldn't feel well either if

My house was filled with

Somebody else's stuff!

Uh, excuse me, gentlemen.

Um, ladies and gentlemen, why

Did y'all steal ella's picture

Of black jesus?

Oh, that's not black jesus.

That's janine's daddy when he

Went to the prom.

Oh. Why did he go to the prom

Dressed as black jesus?

This is my old magazine

Stand?

With m je magazine

Collection in it?

No. I don't even know how

That got there, but you know

What?

Every one of them is missing

Page 43.

Oh, yeah.

Page 43...

Th je beauty booty.

Oh, yes.

Oh, hey, miranda.

Oh, jazmine.

I didn't know you were coming

Over.

Wow. I like what you two have

Done with the place.

Um, baby, I thought we were

Having an evening alone.

I brought out the candles.

Oh, you shouldn't burn

Candles.

That's a fire hazard.

I'm sorry, baby.

Oh, are you two finally back

Together?

Well, we're --

No. Yeah.

Kind of apart but --

Wait. You're still married,

Right?

Of course.

But I don't understand.

Cousin calvin sleeps at

Uncle curtis' house.

Uh, well, the mattress there

Is better for my back.

It's complicated.

What's so complicated,

Einstein?

Just get the mattress and bring

It over here.

Yeah. You know what, jazmine?

How about we watch a movie?

We have all kinds of movies.

Can you go make her a snack,

Please?

A snack, yeah.

Oh, I only eat organic, so

Please, lactose-free,

Gluten-free, no preservatives,

And absolutely no msg.

Here are some cookies.

Ok.

Raw cookie dough.

Yeah. You ever had sushi?

Same concept.

Now, baby, you know you can

Cook.

Remember that wonderful meal

That you made me when we first

Started dating?

Was it awful?

Actually, it was delicious.

Filet mignon, grilled

Asparagus, sautéed mushrooms.

I learned how to cook to win her

Over.

Did it work?

Yes, it did.

A delicious meal, nice romantic

Candles with music.

Now, that's the kind of husband

You want when you get older.

Keep going.

Yeah, keep going.

[ laughs ]

Oh, you know what, jazmine?

Jazmine, I just had an even

Better idea.

Why don't you help me in the

Nursery?

How about that? Come on.

Wait. What am I gonna do?

Well, you can make us lunch.

Oh, and would you please take

The scales off my filet mignon?

Oh, girl.

[ chuckles ]

Whee.

Oh, I love this a chair.

This is my joy right here, boy.

Never put it in the corner.

Look, this is my baby.

You take of her.

Don't put her in the corner.

Nobody puts baby in the corner.

Ta-da!

[ gasps ]

Is that the sit-master deluxe?

[ high-pitched ] The

Sit-master deluxe!

[ screeching ]

Get that crap out of here.

This chair need room to breathe.

Curtis...

It's got 15 different recline

Positions.

Ooh! Embedded speakers!

Heated cushions.

And look. Look.

Look at this.

I got the big boy personal tv

Screen with the dvd player!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

Thank you.

Uncle curtis.

[ groans ]

Get out of my chair.

Yeah. Yeah, curtis.

You're taking up all the chair

Time, man.

Come on, let me have a ride.

I don't want to.

Uncle curtis.

What?!

You can't just stay in my

Chair.

Yeah.

Floyd!

Don't you sit in my chair.

Why not?

I didn't get a turn to ride.

That's too bad!

Come on, man, let me get one

Ride on it.

Chair time is over.

Come on, I don't never get no

Chance to ride something like

That.

What is all the --

C.J.?

Huh?

Baby, you bought a chair?

C.J., we really shouldn't be

Buying expensive things

Right now.

But, babe, babe, it's the

Sit-master.

Look at that.

And I'm making more money, babe.

I understand that, but we --

This isn't a good idea.

Janine, tell him I want to

Ride.

I-I always wanted to be able

To do something for myself.

I think I'm pregnant.

Chair.

You know, you can warm the

Bottles in the cup holder!

Babe, babe, how does this

Happen?

Well, timmy...

When a man and a lady really

Love each other --

Very funny.

Very funny.

Did you take a test?

Not yet, but I mean, I've

Been feeling all strange and

Nauseous and throwing up and --

You should take a test.

I can't handle it again.

You know how bad my postpartum

Was.

Oh, the mood swings.

Yeah, I know.

The crying.

Oh, don't remind me.

Oh, the can't sleep, won't

Eat, levitating off the bed,

Projectile vomiting --

C.J., I was there.

I remember.

I'm talking about me.

All right, all right.

I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna get the test.

Thank you.

All right, I'm sure you're

Gonna be fine.

Yeah.

You're probably just stressed

Out.

Yup.

And then we're gonna go and

Take you and get fixed.

Get me fixed?

Are we going to the kennel to

Get me spayed?

Oh, no, no.

That's not what I meant.

What I was saying is that, you

Know, they could do the whole

Tube thing.

Oh, the tube inside the --

You mean a tubal ligation?

If that's the medical term

For it, yes.

Okay, how about this medical

Term?

Vasectomy!

Ooh!

What? What?

You can take me to go get

Spayed, but you won't go get

Neutered?

Baby, you can't say that.

What?

Because you're playing with

My manhood.

Don't be ridiculous.

A vasectomy --

Ohh!

What? Vasectomy.

Ohh!

C.J., come on.

It's really not that serious.

For you it's a 20-minute

Procedure.

You'll be in and out no problem.

And then I'll spend the rest

Of my life playing second

String.

That's not true, c.J.

Come on.

For me, it's major surgery, and

For you a vasec--

The "V" word...

Only costs about $500.

$500?

Mm-hmm.

How much does a tubal

Litigation thing cost?

Tubal ligation. $6,000.

$6,000?

$6,000.

That's a hit.

That's a hit.

We might be homeless again.

Take that snip.

I guess I'm going to the

Kennel.

No, no, no. I want the chair.

Floyd, get up. Come on.

It's my turn.

I just got a few more

Minutes, curtis.

You don't get no more.

You already is over 30 seconds.

Hey, hey, get out of my

Chair.

Time to go home.

No, man. I'm almost at the

End of "New jack city."

Okay.

Okay, if you were a baby,

What color room would you want?

Uh...

Definitely pink.

You know, you should give her a

Princess room.

But we don't know if it's a

Girl or a boy yet.

Oh, it's a girl.

How do you know that?

Miranda smells like garlic.

Excuse me?

When you eat garlic and the

Smell comes through your skin,

It's gonna be a girl.

Uncle curtis told me that.

That's silly.

Miranda hasn't been eating

Garlic.

Have you?

I had a salad last night.

See?

With a piece of garlic toast.

Time for a princess room.

Well, if it's a girl, her

Daddy will give her

Whatever she wants.

Oh.

But, cousin calvin, what if

She wants you in the middle of

The night and you're not

Living here?

Okay, you know, grown-ups

Have problems sometimes.

Well, are you working it out?

Are you gonna give us some

Advice, little oprah?

Well, I think that you two

Should get back together -- you

Know, before the baby girl gets

Here.

We're trying.

We're trying.

You're trying?

Trying is really not good

Enough.

No, you're right, jazzy.

I think our princess should have

A pink room.

Pink.

Oh.

W-with butterflies and

Unicorns and little ballerinas.

Yeah.

I think she'll like that.

Well, it's getting late.

I better get you home.

Thank you for coming over,

Jazmine.

You're welcome. Anytime.

Good night.

Good night.

Uh, calvin?

Yeah, baby?

Do you think you could bring

Some more candles on your way

Back home?

Ooh, that sounds --

Wait, did you say "Back home"?

Yes.

Baby, can you come back home?

Yeah.

Yeah, I-I'll be right back.

[ laughs ]

Now, you know that wasn't

Fair.

Come on, man.

Let me have the remote.

One more time.

Okay, one more time.

I'm gonna get in front this

Time.

Ok, come on.

You get in front.

You ready?

[ pop music playing ]

Hey. Hey.

Come on, c.J. Get in.

Okay, come on.

I won.

Ooh, these paynes cheat.

You can't win.

The music didn't stop.

[ music stops ]

The music stopped. I won.

Now get the hell out and go

Breathe your own air.

Whoa. That felt good.

Yeah, that felt good, but it

Didn't sound good.

It wasn't very convincing.

Nobody gonna leave off of that.

Come on, baby, you got to arch

Your back, put your back in it,

Put your diaphragm in it.

Ugh!

"Get the hell out!"

Get the hell out!

That's pretty good.

That's pretty good.

[ both laugh ]

Get the hell out!

Okay, that was much better.

No, no. For real, I mean it.

Get the hell out.

Janine's taking a pregnancy

Test, and I think it's just

Stress, but, you know, the

Pregnancy test will prove it,

And then I'm gonna go to the

Doctor's and get taken care of.

Taken care of?

What do you mean?

Yeah.

I might have a vasectomy.

[ both groan ]

It's done in the doctor's

Office.

All they do is --

Aah!

Look, man, if you want to

Sing soprano, that's on you,

Right?

But you ain't got to traumatize

Me and floyd.

If aunt ella asked, would

You, you know...

Please!

Ella don't tell me when to cut

My hair, let alone cut my --

Ugh.

I'm just saying.

Hey, let's do it again.

We can play again?

[ pop music playing ]

Yeah. Ah!

Ah!

He getting it now.

Ah!

[ speaking indistinctly ]

[ music stops ]

[ sighs ]

Mr. Payne, it's official.

You're not a father.

It's pink.

[ sighs ]

[ chuckles ]

Whoo.

So...

I made a decision.

And I've made a decision.

I'm gonna have the procedure.

I don't want you to have the

Procedu--

But what about the money and

The surgery?

Well, I was thinking about

It, and, you know, what if one

Day we're supposed to have

Another baby?

Stay on birth control.

Just leave it up to chance.

No. To god.

To god.

To god.

Right.

Yes.

So...

So...

The kids are not here.

What should we do now?

I don't know about you,

But...

I feel like rolling the dice.

Rolling...

Rolling the dice.

I'm gonna roll something.

It ain't gonna be no dice!

[ laughing ]

Oh, you so crazy.

You got a sense of humor.

I like that.

You know, I don't know what

You're doing later, but...

I was thinking maybe you'd come

On by my place.

[ chuckles ]

Let me show you how you should

Be treated.

Tickle, tickle.

[ chuckles ]

Your fur is so soft.

I'm thinking maybe I'll throw an

Afghan on you and a slip cover,

Make you look real pretty.

What am I saying?

You're already pretty.

No, I'm not hating on c.J.

I'm not hating on c.J.

Let's just say I got a little

More experience than he does.

I've been around the living room

A few more times.

If I had money, I'd give it to

You.

You like it rough.

Uncle curtis.

[ gasps ]

It's not what you think, c.J.

It's not what you think.

I'm just gonna put my number in

Here real quick.

Okay, see you.

Call me.

[ telephone dialing ]

[ telephone ringing ]

Hello?

[ female voice ] Hello,

Curtis.