Original subtitles

Whoo! Got it smelling good in

Here, baby!

Thank you, baby.

Ah, give me some.

[kiss]

My baby.

Ha ha ha.

Hey, you know the best thing

About this breakfast?

There's nobody here to spoil it.

Curtis.

"Uncle curtis, I need some

Milk.

Uncle curtis, I need some syrup.

Uncle curtis, can we live with

You for 10 more years?"

Uncle curtis, be nice.

Thank you, baby.

You're welcome.

You know, you really can

Cook?

I know it.

Mmm. Need to open your own

Restaurant--chez payne.

Ooh!

Good morning!

Good morning.

Or the international house of

Freeloaders.

Huh?

Mmm! Something look good this

Morning!

Thank you.

I made pancakes and eggs--

No, no, miss ella.

I'm talking about this fine

Heavenly angel right here.

[kiss]

Hey, baby.

Hi.

Oh, you're not.

Tell me--I don't believe this.

Oh, yeah.

They are seeing each other.

No, they are not seeing each

Other, ella!

Yes, they are.

He can't be seeing her.

If he was seeing her, he

Wouldn't be hugging her.

He'd be feeding her sugar cubes.

Look here, baby, let's go

Ahead and have breakfast in bed.

Oh, now you're talking my

Kind of language.

All right.

Let me get some muffins, baby.

Ha! Ooh.

Mmm. Muffins on a plate,

And muffins on my date.

Ha ha!

Ha ha!

Morning!

Howdy, neighbors! Come on in!

I know y'all want some

Breakfast.

Yes.

I know you did not cook at

The house.

I started to.

Whatever.

Hey.

Hey, baby.

Baby, I keep telling you, you

Have got to stop feeding strays.

Okay, you feed 'em, they come

Back.

Aw.

Morning.

Morning.

Morning.

This here. I'm out.

I'm sick of this.

Curtis.

The big dog's now through.

I'm going to my private dining

Room.

Private.

Bye.

What up, cuz?

You packed up yet?

Yeah, but I still don't think

It's gonna work.

Wait.

Where--where are you going?

A marriage retreat.

Wait a minute.

You guys are having troubles

Already?

No, no, this is for calvin

And miranda.

We just going along for moral

Support.

I don't even think she's

Gonna show up.

She will be there, okay?

And you and uncle curtis should

Come.

Oh. Well, I'd love to, but

Curtis will never go.

Aunt ella, you should just

Explain to him that this will be

A wonderful opportunity for the

Two of you to explore the deeper

Dimensions of your relationship.

[scoffs] I got a better idea.

Uncle curtis!

Want to go fishing?

What?

Let me get my pole.

You know, we're gonna have

This whole place to ourselves in

A little while.

What do you have in mind?

Well, I was thinking about a

Little music...

Oh.

A little massage.

Ah...

Yeah, and some bubbly for

You, girl.

Oh, champagne?

No, I got some dishwashing

Soap for your bath.

Girl, I'm talking some serious

Suds.

[imitates bubbles popping]

Whoo! Outside.

What?

Outside, both of you!

Outside right now.

What? Ella--

She said we could stay

Inside.

I don't--she don't run

Nothing around here.

I ain't gonna have you two

Freakadeaks up in here

Freakin' all in my place on my

Credenzas and on my table and

My desk.

Oh, curtis, please.

I already told floyd he could

Stay in this house.

Baby--

Separate rooms.

Ella, he's in heat!

Curtis.

Not nice.

Come on in. Come on in.

Hey, neighbor.

Bad news.

Our babysitter bailed, so we

Won't be able to go on the

Marriage--

Hello, fishing trip.

Fishing trip.

Fishing trip, fishing trip!

Ha ha!

Well, wait a minute.

Wait, wait.

Uh, the twins can stay here with

Claretha and floyd.

Right?

Well, well, I guess I could

Watch--

Hell, no! Unh-unh.

No! Unh-unh. We got plans.

On the credenza and the table

And all-- we gonna do all that.

Can't malik and jazmine watch

The twins?

First of all, malik and

Jazmine are children.

Second off, they are staying

With their own friends.

Why can't the twins stay with

Their own friends?

Floyd, they're one.

They don't have any friends.

Yeah, they lucky.

Look, I think it's a good

Idea that the twins stay with

Floyd and claretha.

You do?

Yes.

Good. I'll go get their

Things out of the car.

Thanks, guys.

The hell...

Well, there we go.

That's a great idea.

It'll keep them out of trouble.

Uncle curtis, the twins don't

Get into any trouble.

I'm talking about floyd and

Claretha.

Come on, the fish are biting.

Come on and go fishing! Come on!

Y'all got it made.

Y'all got padded sides.

You got all these doodads and

All these toys.

This is better than my tent.

Is that a flat-screen?

These kids are balling!

Ha ha!

You want some of me?

Floyd!

You want some of me? Come on.

Floyd, what are you doing?

Bonnie and clyde throwing

Stuff at me.

They're just babies.

[babies fussing]

This ain't over. What?

Will you stop fooling around?

Heh heh.

I ain't fooling around yet.

Look, that's their play area,

And this right here,

This is our play area.

Let me see them pretty--

Not in front of the babies.

Oh, please. Dippity-dog.

Eeny, meeny, miney, hammer.

Mmm! Yeah.

Catch a tigress by her toe.

[claretha purrs]

If she hollers, don't let

Her go.

Ha ha! See--

The babies are watching.

Oh, please.

We could blindfold them.

And then you can blindfold me.

You're so bad.

Oh, no, baby. I'm good.

Oh.

I'm real good.

Oh.

Now, come on over here,

You tigress, and give me

Some of that jungle love.

[purrs]

Say it again, say it again.

Unh-unh.

Mufasa!

I really appreciate all that

You're trying to do, but I

Really don't think it's gonna

Change things.

Well, miranda, as long as

Both of you are doing everything

That you can to make this

Marriage work, then there's

Always hope.

Man, this is never gonna

Work.

See, as long as one of you is

Doing all you can to make this

Marriage work, then there's

Always hope.

Do you people know where the

Lake is?

I'm--hey, c.J., I can't even

Find the la--look at all the

Candles.

Woo-dee-woo.

Little freak spot.

Hey, c.J., where's the lake,

Man?

I got a confession, unc.

There is no lake.

There are no fish.

If there's no lake and

There's no fish, where exactly

Am I?

[british accent] Welcome,

Couples, to the romance

Rekindled marriage retreat.

48 uninterrupted hours of

Exploring your marriage and your

Feelings.

Oh, I see, I'm in hell.

Well, see, baby, what

Happened, really--

Don't you start.

No, really.

No. Don't you start.

I was gonna--

How come you ain't say

Nothing, ella?

I was gonna tell you.

Shh. Keep your voice down.

Is that the way you

Christians do it?

For miranda and calvin.

Well, I could have caught 'em

Some fish, ella.

As I'm sure most of you know,

I'm dr. Phyllis markham.

But, please, this weekend just

Call me plain old phyllis.

Ha ha!

Excuse me, plain old phyllis,

Um, what would make you think

That I'm gonna stay here for two

Days and listen to you try to

Tell me how to run my marriage?

I don't think so.

I'm plain old gone.

Wait, wait.

I hold phds from princeton and

Yale, I chair the psychology

Department at temple university,

And I'm president of the

International association of

Family and marriage therapists.

Don't touch me.

So what?

That make you an expert or

Something?

Uh, well, unc, yeah,

Actually, it does.

She's an expert.

Couples, this weekend, you'll

Embark on a journey back to your

Marriage.

You'll learn, you'll play,

You'll laugh, but you'll cry.

Ha ha. That won't be hard.

He cries all the time.

I don't cry.

You ain't gonna make me cry.

I'm a payne man.

Payne men don't cry.

And your $500 deposit is

Non-refundable.

[crying] I'm crying.

I'm crying!

I need two volunteers.

Oh, come on, baby.

No.

We'll do it.

Enthusiastic.

Ha ha.

All right, this is a little

Role-play game that I call

Flip-flop.

I'll just flip-flop.

Oh, hey, we play that.

Curtis.

You go first, hmm?

Sit, sit, sit, sit.

Get back down?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, okay, come on.

Close your eyes.

And take a deep breath.

Oh.

And when I say, "Flip-flop,"

I want you to assume your wife's

Personality.

Oh, this ought to be good.

This is gonna be good.

I like this.

Now...Flip-flop.

"C.J., you are so wonderful.

You just--you take such good

Care of us.

You take care of the kids.

You take care of me.

You are just a wonderful human

Being."

Ah...Yeah.

"And I know-- I know I am not

The easiest person to live with.

I know this."

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What's that supposed to mean?

You don't think I'm easy to live

With?

Nah...

Okay, flip me. Flip-flop me.

Oh. All right.

Um, close your eyes.

Never mind. Hell, I got it.

[ahem] Flip-flop, bam. I'm c.J.

What's that?

That's your curl.

Oh, oh, you going hard.

Uh-huh.

"Uh, baby, I want you to, uh,

Raise all the kids and take

Care of all the cooking.

You know, take care of all the

Bills in the house, take care of

All my needs."

Oh, oh, oh! Pause.

"So I can take care of myself,

Make sure I can focus on my

Career, 'cause you know my job

Is more important than anything

You do."

Time-out.

Time-out, time-out, time-out.

[beep]

Look here, bro,

Sister bringing on the heat,

Okay?

She got a little personal.

Come on, bring out the big guns,

All right?

And look here, when I do like

This, like that...Remind her she

Burned down the house!

If I do like this, crack pipe.

Crack pipe.

Unc.

Right? Crack--

I can't do that.

Why not?

Since you seem so determined

To participate, perhaps you and

Your wife should do the

Exercise, hmm?

No.

Perhaps we should.

Curtis.

Yeah, come on and do it.

Flip-flop. Come on.

But--

You want to leave the pillows

Here like this?

Flip-flop.

Baby, please.

Show 'em how you flip-flop.

[inhales, exhales]

Okay. Uh--

Whenever you're ready.

"Get out of here!

Get out of my house!

Get out of my house, c.J.

I want you and all your

Muskrats, I want you to get out

Of my house.

Where's my beer?

Where's my remote?

Hey, ella!

C.J., you took my job.

Calvin, you not even my son.

I promise you, you're a punk.

You're not my son.

Ella..."

Okay.

"Ella, please!"

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Unh-unh. I got one more.

No, hold up!

"Ella, please..."

Is this the game we gonna

Play?

"Give me another chance,

Baby.

Give me another chance, baby."

Okay, my turn to flip-flop.

"I'll make it up to you

Tomorrow night."

Mr. Payne, I don't think--

My turn to flip-flop!

Now sit the flip down!

"Baby, please--"

I said, flip it up.

"What's wrong--"

Flop.

My turn to flip-flop.

"Oh, curtis.

Curtis!

Oh, curtis.

Curtis.

No, curtis, the twins.

Oh, curtis, I got a headache."

"What the hell, what the

Hell?"

"Curtis this, curtis that."

I'm gonna show you how it's

Supposed to go.

"Master?

You look thirsty.

Your glass is empty.

Please, let me refill it with

Thy beer."

I would never say that.

It's never too late to start,

Ella.

Would it kill you to try it a

Little bit, huh?

That's enough of this

Exercise.

No, wait, wait, wait.

Calvin, miranda, you two haven't

Gone yet.

Oh, no, no.

No, no. I'm good.

Oh, no, you going.

Oh, you going.

I paid $500 for this.

Both of you are going.

And you gonna love it.

Oh, this better than

Pay-per-view right here, baby.

This what we been waiting on.

Matter of fact, get on up.

Can't do it sitting there.

Come on.

Come on, you sit over here.

We're gonna enjoy this.

Now this may be fun.

Okay.

After you see this, you're gonna

Pay me $500.

Huh.

Got some popcorn?

All right, calvin, close your

Eyes and take a deep breath.

[exhales]

And flip-flop.

[ahem]

"Calvin baby, I really have

Something I need to say to you."

Why does miranda sound like a

Muppet?

"I thought I was gonna meet

You and talk to you about our

Marriage.

But then I thought, hey, why

Don't I disappear for the next

24 hours and make you think that

I'm dead?"

Okay, you know what?

Okay, okay, it's my turn now.

It's my turn.

No, miranda, wait--

Unh-unh, dr. Phyl.

Back up, dr. Phyl.

Well, she's small, but she's

Scrappy.

Ha.

"You know, I thought I was

Gonna be a good husband, and

Then I decided to kiss the hussy

Next door and lie about it to my

Wife.

Ha. Yeah.

And then while I'm at it, I

Decided to get my ex-girlfriend

Pregnant with my baby.

Be breezy."

Ha ha. That's all you got?

That's all you got?

Oh, well, you have something

Better?

Yeah, yeah.

What?

How about...

"Hey, calvin, I'm pregnant.

Uh-oh! No, I'm not.

Uh-oh! Yes, I am.

Uh-oh! No, I'm not.

Uh-oh! Yes, I am!

Oh, and, calvin, I can't talk

Right now, because I need some

Time."

Oh, doc, she does do that.

She does that a lot.

She did talk...

She does.

"All right, baby, you want

Some time?"

You can have all the time you

Need, 'cause I want a divorce.

"Oh, well, that's just fine.

That's just fine, because you

Know what?"

Wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa,

Whoa, hold on.

Was that you talking or me?

That was me, miranda, talking.

I want a divorce.

[door slams]

Oh. [ chuckles ]

Finally the twins are asleep.

Oh! A little wine to set the

Mood.

That's perfect.

Oh, you wanted some, baby?

My bad.

Never mind.

Maybe nobody should get any.

You know what?

You can have all of it.

'cause merlot gives me gas,

Anyway.

Now, where were we?

You were telling me about

Your gas.

[ chuckles ] Not sexy, huh?

You know what?

Let's...

While the twins are asleep,

Let's just do what comes

Natural.

I'd like that.

Mm, me, too.

I meant talk.

Talk ain't natural.

Floyd, seriously, before

We go any further, I think

We need to get to know each

Other better.

Fine. Fine. You go first.

My name is claretha jenkins.

Hi.

I'm a capricorn.

Mm.

I'm just a little over 30.

Okay.

My favorite season is autumn.

I love salsa dancing.

All right.

And my favorite dessert

Is tofu cheesecake.

Now you talkin'.

Tofu cheesecake!

Ooh!

I never thought to put

Cheesecake on your toes, baby.

But look here.

My name is

Floyd stanley jackson.

I'm a leo, all right?

I don't like long walks in the

Park.

I have decent credit, and my

Underarms, they sweat for some

Reason, uncontrollably.

Let's get busy.

Did you say "Decent credit"?

Yeah.

Oh. That works for me.

Heh heh heh.

Girl, you think you tall enough

To get on this ride?

'cause I'm about to rock your

World.

I'll break your saddle before

You can even make the first

Gallop.

[ whinnies ]

Shh! The babies.

Oh, I'm sorry.

[ whinnies softly ]

Wait.

Would you just talk to us,

Please?

Look, just leave it alone.

You heard what she said.

Our marriage is over.

Calvin, please!

Hey, hey, floyd!

Hey, boy, you missed the thrilla

With the pilla.

Ha ha! It was crazy!

Aah!

What the -- what the hell?

What the hell?

Get off my couch.

Get off.

He-e-e-y!!

Aah!

Get off my couch!

What?

Get off my couch!

Ella...

Baby, go get some soap and

Holy water, please.

Where are the babies?

Oh, they over behind the

Barricade.

Barricade?

Hey, hey, hey! Be careful.

They're very shifty.

Floyd? Claretha?

You two need jesus.

Let's go, c.J. Get him.

We're leaving.

And so am I.

You -- you know what,

Claretha?

Maybe you and I should move in

Together.

You live in a tent.

I'm talking about getting our

Own place.

Oh.

That's a great idea.

'cause I am sick and tired of

People barging in and imposing

On us.

Right.

Uh. They asking us to

Babysit.

And won't even pay us.

What?

[ laughs ]

I see your glass is empty.

Would you like me to get you

Some more?

Your wish is my command.

Come on, baby, just give a

Little more --

Put the glass on the tray.

This is not good.

This is not good.

You know what? You right.

I'm through with this.

Curtis.

Enough of this.

Baby...

Come on, flip-flop.

No, no.

Flip-flop.

I'm not flip-flopping.

Get in here, annie mae, and

Flip-flop.

Curtis.

Curtis, come on!