Original subtitles

[ CHEERING ON TELEVISION ]

HALLELUJAH.

HEY, BABY.

HOW WAS CHURCH?

YOU WOULD KNOW IF YOU WOULD

GO WITH ME SOMETIME.

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, BABY, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW

THAT BAD.

I NEED YOUR ATTENTION,

PLEASE.

COME ON, BABY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

NOW, THE PASTOR TOLD US ALL

TO JUST "GO HOME AND FAST!"

WAIT A MINUTE, BABY, WAIT

A MINUTE, ARE YOU SURE HE SAID

THAT YOU SHOULD "GO HOME AND

FAST," OR DID HE SAY "GO HOME

FAST"?

BECAUSE HE'S PROBABLY JUST

TRYING TO GET Y'ALL OUT THE

CHURCH.

YOU KNOW, Y'ALL LIKE TO DANCE

ALL DAY.

HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH.

CURTIS, HE WAS TALKING ABOUT

FASTING -- LIKE WHEN JESUS

FASTED FOR 40 DAYS IN THE

WILDERNESS?

OH, NO, I WON'T!

NO, HE WASN'T!

HE WASN'T TALKING TO ME!

I AIN'T GIVING UP MY SECOND

LOVE!

I AM NOT -- STOP EATING FOR --

I'M GOING TO EAT SOMETHING RIGHT

NOW!

DON'T EVEN GET IT IN YOUR HEAD,

ELLA, IT AIN'T GOING TO HAPPEN.

I'M THE ANTI-FASTER!

YEAH, AUNTIE ELLA, THAT IS

CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT --

MAKE NO SENSE.

GIVE ME SOMETHING,

UNCLE CURTIS, BEFORE SHE MAKE

ME FAST.

ALWAYS BRINGING CHURCH HOME.

THE POINT BEHIND THE WHOLE

MATTER IS THAT YOU GIVE UP

SOMETHING SO WE CAN CONCENTRATE

ON EACH OTHER.

OKAY, WELL, I'LL GIVE UP

CHORES.

I'LL GIVE UP BEETS AND LIVER.

I'LL GIVE UP COOKING.

GOOD ONE.

I'LL GIVE UP WORK.

YOU ALREADY GAVE THAT UP.

AND I'LL GIVE UP CALVIN.

PROBLEM SOLVED.

THOSE THINGS DO NOT COUNT.

FASTING IS SACRIFICING SOMETHING

YOU ENJOY.

OKAY?

OKAY, SO, SINCE YOU ALL WON'T

CHOOSE, I'LL CHOOSE FOR

EVERYONE, ALL RIGHT?

UH...

I GOT IT.

HA, I GOT IT -- NO ELECTRONIC

DEVICES FOR ONE WEEK.

All: WHAT THE HELL?

WHAT THE --

HA -- I WISH YOU WOULD.

I'D HIT YOU SO HARD IN YOUR

CHEST, YOUR MAMA COUGH.

AMEN!

JAZ --

OKAY, LISTEN, IT WILL NOT KILL

YOU TO GIVE UP THESE THINGS FOR

A FEW DAYS.

IT'S ABOUT FAMILY, THAT'S IT.

BABY, WE GIVING UP

ELECTRONICS -- I'M WITH YOU.

I'M WITH -- I WISH I WENT TO

CHURCH WITH YOU THIS MORNING,

I'D HAVE CAUGHT THE LIGHT WAY

THEN.

I'M WITH YOU -- NO ELECTRONICS.

RIGHT.

OH, THANK YOU.

THIS IS GREAT.

OH, THIS IS GREAT.

THANK YOU, BABY.

THANK YOU, BABY.

OKAY --

NO ELECTRONICS!

THANK YOU!

I'LL CHANGE.

OKAY, BABY, WE GOT YOU, WE

WITH YOU.

HEY, CALVIN, GIVE ME THE REMOTE.

I REALLY ENJOYED YOU IN

"AMISTAD," BRO.

THAT WAS TIGHT.

CAN I HELP YOU?

YEAH --

OH, MY GOODNESS!

CHAD RANDOLPH?

OH, YOU -- YOU CHAD RANDOLPH,

THE MOVIE STAR?

YEAH, MAN.

YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S -- THAT'S ME.

HEY, IS THIS IN THE CUT

BARBERSHOP?

WHAT TIPPED YOU -- WAS

IT THE BARBER POLE OR THE

SIGN IN THE WINDOW SAYING

"IN THE CUT BARBERSHOP"?

YEAH, THAT'S GOOD, MAN,

THAT'S GOOD, I LIKE THAT.

I TRY, I TRY.

HEY, LISTEN, I WANT TO KNOW

IF IT'D BE COOL IF I HUNG OUT

HERE FOR A COUPLE DAYS, OBSERVE

THINGS?

I'M DOING SOME RESEARCH FOR MY

NEW MOVIE.

IT'S CALLED "BEVERLY HILLS

CUTS."

YEAH, I PLAY A CRIME-FIGHTING

BARBER.

OOH.

[ IMITATES KUNG FU ]

OH --

ANYWAY, IT'S NEVER BEEN DONE

BEFORE, SO --

AND THERE'S A REASON WHY --

[ IMITATES KUNG FU ]

HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

I COME UP TO SEE THE GAME.

Y'ALL GOT THE SCORE?

NO.

CALVIN BROKE THE TV.

WHAT -- WHAT?!

WHERE'S HE AT?

WELL, HE BROKE IT, SO WE

SENT HIM TO FIX IT.

WELL, FORGET ABOUT CALVIN,

AND FORGET ABOUT THAT STUPID

GAME.

OOH.

'CAUSE WE HAVE THE BIGGEST

STAR OF THE YEAR IN HERE!

OH, COME ON.

THAT'S MY MAN!

SHEMAR MOORE!

NO, MORE LIKE SHEMAR LESS.

CHAD. CHAD RANDOLPH.

LOOK, GUYS, I'M JUST HERE

TRYING TO DO SOME RESEARCH.

YOU KNOW, HOW TO BE A REAL

BARBER...

FOR MY NEXT MOVIE.

[ GIGGLES ]

AND YOU CHOSE THIS DUMP?

CURTIS, I KNOW YOU AIN'T

TALKING ABOUT MY BARBERSHOP.

HOLD UP, YOU HEARD ABOUT

THE SKILLS ALL THE WAY IN

BEVERLY HILLS?

WHAT?! WE ON THE MAP!

NO!

TOLD YOU.

NO. NO!

WE'RE FAMOUS.

YOU GUYS ARE JUST DOWN THE

STREET FROM MY HOTEL.

SO WHAT'S THE DEAL?

ARE WE COOL?

CAN THE CHAD STAY?

I DON'T KNOW.

CAN DE CHAD STAY, DE CURTIS?

[ GIGGLES ]

I DON'T KNOW, DE FLOYD.

I GUESS IT DEPENDS ON YOU DE

FEEL.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

YOU ARE SO DE CRAZY.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

AND YOU ARE DE MAN.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

[ British accent ] "MAYBE WE

CAN HAVE A SPOT OF TEA."

WELL, IF YOU SAY, IT'S OKAY.

"AS A MATTER OF FACT, LET'S

GO BACK TO MIGHTY ENGLAND.

WE HAVE TRANSPORTATION."

WE HAVE DE TRANSPORTATION.

YES -- DE AMISTAD.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

DE AMISTAD!

[ African accent ] "GIVE US DE

FREE!"

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

[ African accent ] "GIVE US

DE DIAMONDS!"

"I DON'T HAVE DE DIAMONDS!"

"GIVE US DE FREE!"

"I DON'T HAVE DE DIAMONDS!"

"GIVE US DE FREE."

[ Normal voice ] WAIT A

MINUTE, HOLD UP.

[ African accent ] GIVE US DE

MONEY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HEY!

WHOO!

AMISTAD CAN RUN, TOO!

WHY IS IT SO BRIGHT IN HERE?

HMM?

HEY, I-I NEVER REALIZED WE HAD A

SKYLIGHT.

MAN, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR

A TV ALL DAY!

[ SIGHS ]

ANYBODY FIND OUT WHAT THE FINAL

SCORE OF THE GAME WAS?

NOPE.

AUNT ELLA TOOK ALL THE TVs.

SHE EVEN MADE KEVIN'S MOM

TAKE HIS AWAY.

HEY, HOLD UP, HOLD UP.

I NEVER KNEW WE HAD A SKYLIGHT.

HEY, MALIK, GO ON YOUR LAPTOP,

SEE IF YOU CAN GET THE SCORE OF

THE GAME FOR ME.

I CAN'T GO TO MY LAPTOP.

IT'S ELECTRONIC.

DUH!

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS

ELECTRONIC -- A PACEMAKER.

YOU GOING TO NEED ONE YOU TALK

TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN.

AUNT ELLA AIN'T GOING TO LET

YOU USE IT.

WELL, I STILL GOT MY RESISTER

RADIO.

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU MEAN TRANSISTOR RADIO.

WHATEVER.

"CURTIS, I TOOK THE BATTERIES

OUT SO YOU CAN SPEND MORE TIME

WITH YOUR FAMILY.

LOVE, ELLA."

GOD, OH, I'M SICK OF HER!

SHE TRYING TO KILL ME!

HEY, YOU CAN CHECK THE SCORE

IF YOU CALL THE SPORTS HOTLINE

ON YOUR CELLPHONE.

I DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT

THAT.

I DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT.

GOOD MOVE. GOOD MOVE.

FORGOT ABOUT THAT.

UH-UH-UH-UH-UH-UH-UH.

I'LL TAKE THAT.

IN FACT, I'LL TAKE ALL

CELLPHONES.

MM-HMM.

WAIT A MINUTE, ELLA, YOU

CAN'T DO THAT!

THAT -- THAT'S PUBLIC SAFETY

ISSUE!

RIGHT -- WHAT IF THERE'S AN

EMERGENCY AND WE NEED TO CALL

EACH OTHER?

HA!

YOU'RE ALL HERE IN THE SAME

ROOM.

DUH!

THANK YOU.

AND YOU.

AND THANK YOU.

I FEEL LIKE WE'RE BEING

ROBBED.

STICK 'EM UP.

AH!

WELL, THIS IS GREAT.

OH, OH, MY CELLIE -- PLEASE.

NO, I'LL BE BACK FOR YOU, OKAY?

DON'T -- DON'T BE AFRAID.

WOULD YOU TWO LIKE TO GO

OUTSIDE AND PLAY?

EW!

THERE IS DIRT OUTSIDE!

JAZMINE -- YOU KNOW, FORGET

IT, FORGET IT, FORGET IT.

COME ON, CURTIS.

CURTIS, COME ON, BABY, HAVE

A SEAT.

AND, BABY, GIVE ME THAT BACKUP

CELLPHONE.

WHO YOU TALKING TO?

THE BACKUP CELLPHONE.

WE GOT NO BACKUP CELLPHONE.

CURTIS.

COME ON, NOW!

OKAY.

OOH, MY FATHER WARNED ME ABOUT

YOU.

THANK YOU.

WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, THE WHOLE POINT

BEHIND THIS IS THAT WE SPEND

QUALITY TIME TOGETHER.

LET'S GO TO THE MOVIES --

TOGETHER.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

WE'RE GONNA STAY RIGHT HERE

TOGETHER.

NOW, LET'S TALK.

SURE WISH I HAD MY DOGGONE

SCORE OF THAT GAME...

[ ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY ]

YES, I'LL -- I'LL GO AND MAKE

SOME LEMONADE.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

OH -- EH, EH, EH, EH, EH, EH!

HELP ME!

HELP ME!

I'M GETTING MARRIED IN AN HOUR,

AND I TRIED TO CUT MY OWN HAIR!

OOH!

CODE BLUE, CODE BLUE!

GET THIS MAN IN A CHAIR, STAT!

ALL RIGHT, CLEAR, CLEAR!

CLEAR! OW, MAN!

WHAT THE HECK?

OKAY, GET ME 15 cc's OF

BERGAMOT, GIVE ME 10 cc's OF

SOME LAVENDER, GIVE ME SOME

SALVE, GET THE CHICKEN GREASE

OFF THE STOVE, GET ME SOME

FLOUR, AND GET MY BLENDER.

CHICKEN GREASE?

MAN, WHAT YOU DOING, BAKING A

CAKE?

DELANTE, ANESTHESIA.

WAIT, ANA-- WHAT?

THERE IT IS.

ALL RIGHT, YOU READY, KIKI?

HEY, YO, I DON'T THINK THAT'S

GONNA BE ENOUGH.

DELANTE, GO IN THE BACK, IN

THE SAFE, AND GET THE CUTMASTER

2000.

THE CUTMASTER 2000?

THIS IS SERIOUS.

OH, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, IS

THIS GONNA HURT?

HEY, YO, MAN UP!

I'M SORRY!

LOCK AND LOAD!

SORRY, SORRY, THAT'S IN THE

SCRIPT.

YOU GUYS, GO, GO.

HEY, WAIT -- "LOCK AND LOAD"?

HEY, HEY, I KNOW YOU!

YEAH, YOU'RE TERRENCE HOWARD!

HEY, WHAT YOU DOING HERE, MAN?

CHAD. CHAD RANDOLPH!

OH, YEAH, YOU MUCH TALLER IN

PERSON.

ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL...

I'M GOING IN.

OH, LORD!

[ SCREAMS ]

ONE BIG, HAPPY FAMILY OUT

HERE IN THE BACKYARD ALL

TOGETHER -- NO ELECTRONICS!

THIS IS GREAT!

ISN'T THIS GREAT?

All: NO.

DEFINITELY NO.

OKAY, LET'S TRY TO JUST ENJOY

THE SILENCE.

SEE, GOD SPEAKS IN A STILL,

SMALL VOICE.

CAN'T YOU HEAR HIM?

[ GASPS ]

CAN'T YOU JUST HEAR HIM?

* AAH

THE HEAVENS JUST OPENED.

I HEAR HIM!

YES.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

ME, TOO.

I CAN HEAR HIM.

WHAT DID HE SAY, BABY?

HE SAYS HE HAS A MESSAGE FOR

ALL HIS CHILDREN.

WHAT IS HE SAYING, MALIK?

HE SAYS "TO FIND IT OUT, GO

LOOK AT THE TV."

[ LAUGHS ]

[ COUGHS ]

OKAY, EVERYBODY, JUST --

OKAY.

CAN WE JUST -- LET'S JUST TALK,

OKAY?

YOU TOOK OUR CELLPHONES,

REMEMBER?

WELL --

TO EACH OTHER!

OKAY, JAZMINE, COME ON, I KNOW

YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY.

COME ON.

NO.

NO?

OKAY, C.J., WHAT ABOUT YOU?

COME ON, BABY, WHAT ABOUT YOU?

I'M COOL.

"I'M COOL."

OKAY, EVERYONE, TELL SOMETHING

ABOUT YOURSELF THAT NO ONE ELSE

KNOWS.

OOH, I GOT ONE, I GOT ONE.

OKAY, CURTIS -- CURTIS, YES?

C.J. DOESN'T KNOW HE'S

ADOPTED.

WHAT?

WELL, NOW WE GOT SOMETHING

TO TALK ABOUT!

I'M ADOPTED?

IS THIS A JOKE?

FAST OVER!

EVERYBODY, GO WATCH TV!

NO, EVERYBODY, SIT DOWN.

IS THIS TRUE, AUNT ELLA?

[ WHIMPERS ]

[ GRUNTS ]

YES, C.J., IT IS TRUE.

SOMETHING HERE JUST DOES NOT

BELONG.

JAZMINE.

DUCK, DUCK, DUCK, DUCK...

GOOSE.

YOU'RE A GOOSE, DADDY.

OH, YEAH?

DUCK, DUCK, DUCK -- GEESE.

[ LAUGHS ]

FLOCK OF GEESE.

SO, YOU'RE SAYING THAT

UNCLE CURTIS -- HE'S REALLY NOT

OUR UNCLE CURTIS?

HE'S JUST "MR. PAYNE"?

ALL THIS TIME, YOU'RE TELLING

ME THAT WE'VE BEEN LIVING WITH

TOTAL STRANGERS?

WE ARE NOT STRANGERS!

WE ARE FAMILY, AND I DON'T CARE

IF HE IS ADOPTED.

YEAH, MALIK, JAZMINE, GO

IN YOUR ROOM AND LET YOUR DAD

TALK TO MY PARENTS --

MR. AND MRS. PAYNE.

SHUT UP, CALVIN.

UM, EXCUSE ME, MA'AM, UH...

EXCUSE ME, WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED

TO TALK TO STRANGERS.

I'M TRYING TO GET MY

CELLPHONE.

UH, EXCUSE ME, MA'AM, SINCE WE

USED TO, UH, BE FASTING AS A

FAMILY, AND NOW THAT THIS WHOLE

THING HAPPENED AND WE'RE NOT A

FAMILY, CAN I GET MY CELLPHONE

BACK?

MALIK, YOU BETTER GET OUT OF

HERE.

AND YOU BETTER GO WITH HIM.

HEY, POPS...

AM I ADOPTED, TOO?

UNFORTUNATELY, NO.

DANG.

I PUT YOU UP FOR ADOPTION

WHEN YOU WERE IN THE THIRD

GRADE, BUT NOBODY WOULD TAKE

YOU.

THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT MY WHOLE

LIFE IS A LIE?

OH, C.J., PLEASE!

YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS NOT A LIE!

NO, IT'S NOT, NEPHEW.

EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE YOU

COME FROM.

AND THE PART ABOUT WHO YOUR

FAMILY IS.

C.J.!

C.J., YOUR BIRTHDAY IS YOUR

BIRTHDAY!

I THINK.

HEY, DANA, WILL YOU HELP ME

RUN SOME LINES?

SURE.

COOL. I'LL DIRECT.

YEAH, OKAY.

UM, SO, ANYWAY, THIS IS THE PART

IN THE MOVIE WHERE I HAVE TO

TELL MY WIFE THAT I'M GOING

UNDERCOVER AT THE BARBERSHOP.

OKAY.

AND I MIGHT NOT BE BACK,

SO...

OKAY, GOT IT.

OKAY? ALL RIGHT.

READY? ACTION.

GIVE ME A MINUTE.

[ INHALING, EXHALING DEEPLY ]

OKAY.

ACTION.

DARLA!

I HAVE TO GO UNDERCOVER...

AT THE BARBERSHOP...

AND I MIGHT NOT COME BACK.

BUT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME,

I WANT YOU TO KNOW...

I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!

[ CHUCKLES ]

OH.

I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!

[ SIGHS ]

I'LL ALWAYS --

DANA, BABY, YOU GOT A LINE

THERE.

OH, I'M SORRY. OKAY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

OKAY.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

DIRK!

PLEASE DON'T GO!

LISTEN!

I...AM A BARBER!

OKAY.

THIS IS WHAT I DO.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]

BUT BEFORE YOU GO...

GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS...

BECAUSE YOU MIGHT GET INJURED...

[ EXHALES ]

...OR MAIMED...

AH.

...OR KILLED!

AS A BARBER?

NO WONDER YOUR MOVIES SUCK.

[ SIGHS ]

C.J., IT'S ABOUT TIME.

THANK YOU FOR COMING HOME.

HEY.

WHERE ARE THE KIDS?

THEY'RE IN THE BED.

COME ON, SIT DOWN.

WE NEED TO TALK.

YEAH.

HOW COME YOU TWO NEVER TOLD ME

I WAS ADOPTED?

C.J.!

WELL, AFTER YOUR PARENTS DIED,

THAT WAS NOT THE RIGHT TIME TO

TELL YOU.

IT WOULD'VE BEEN TOO MUCH.

YEAH, I MEAN, IT JUST --

THERE NEVER WAS A GOOD TIME TO

TELL YOU.

YOU GOT MARRIED EARLY.

YOU MARRIED EARLY, C.J.

YES.

WASN'T GONNA TELL YOU THEN.

AND THEN, THREE MONTHS AFTER

YOU MARRIED, YOU HAD MALIK --

WASN'T A GOOD TIME TO TELL YOU.

YOU KNOW, AND THEN WE THOUGHT

ABOUT -- WHEN WE STARTED TALKING

ABOUT TELLING YOU AGAIN, JAZZY

WAS COMING UP.

EVERYBODY -- "OH, WE GOT TO --

WE GOT JAZZY."

AND SO, THAT WASN'T -- WASN'T

GONNA TELL YOU THEN.

MY PARENTS DIED

WHEN I WAS 15 YEARS OLD.

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME IN ALL THAT

TIME, YOU COULDN'T FIND THE

RIGHT MOMENT TO TELL ME I WAS

ADOPTED?

OKAY, C.J.?

HAVE YOU EVER LOOKED AT THE

FAMILY PICTURES?

THIS ONE -- HAVE YOU EVER --

I MEAN, HAVE YOU EVER TOOK A

GLANCE?

SEE, LOOK AT IT -- LOOK AT IT

NOW.

HINDSIGHT IS ALWAYS 20/20, WHICH

ADDS UP TO 40.

AND WE CAN'T -- LOOK AT IT --

LOOK, BABY, YOU WAS CUTE IN

THAT.

AH.

YOU WAS CUTE IN THAT ONE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOU STILL DON'T GET IT?

THANK YOU.

STILL DON'T GET IT.

OKAY, LOOK.

OKAY.

OKAY, HERE.

LOOK AT.

CURTIS?

WHAT?

I'M JUST GONNA BREAK IT DOWN FOR

HIM, THAT'S ALL.

OKAY, HERE WE GO.

WE GOT A BLACK CRAYON.

THIS IS YOUR FATHER.

THIS IS -- THIS IS MY BROTHER,

OKAY?

BLACK CRAYON.

OKAY.

OH, AND ANOTHER DARK ONE --

THIS IS ANOTHER BLACK CRAYON.

THIS IS YOUR MOTHER.

THIS IS YOUR MOTHER.

THIS IS YOU.

IT JUST AIN'T -- IT JUST

AIN'T...

IT JUST AIN'T -- IT JUST

DON'T -- IT AIN'T -- IT LIKE...

LOOK LIKE THAT.

HE JUST CAN'T -- "OH, HE COMING,

HE COMING.

WHERE YOU AT?

LOOK HOW BIG."

AND THEN YOU CAME.

YOU CAME.

AND IT JUST AIN'T...

KIND OF LOOK LIKE --

IT JUST AIN'T --

LOOK LIKE -- RIGHT THERE.

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

RIGHT. RIGHT!

LIKE THAT.

C.J., LISTEN, BABY.

YOU ARE A PART OF THIS FAMILY.

AND NOT ONE TIME HAVE WE EVER

TREATED YOU LIKE YOU WERE

ADOPTED.

NEVER.

YEAH, I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU GUYS HAVE TREATED ME LIKE

YOU WERE MY REAL PARENTS.

YES.

YEAH.

YEAH.

THAT'S BECAUSE WE BOTH LOVE

YOU, C.J.

WELL, SPEAK FOR YOURSELF.

I MEAN, "LOVE" IS SUCH A BIG

WORD.

CURTIS?

I LOVE YOU.

LOVE YOU, TOO, BABY.

MMM!