Original subtitles

SHE GOT THOSE THINGS ON HER

LEGS.

YEAH. CARBUNCLES.

AND THAT AFRO PIT UP UNDER

HER ARM.

HEY, GUYS, WHAT'S UP?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

Both: NOTHING.

NO, SERIOUSLY, YOU GUYS.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WELL, SINCE YOU ASKED,

WE THINK THAT YOU SHOULD GET

A MAKEOVER.

EXCUSE ME?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO OFFENSE,

ANGEL, BUT I'M SURE THAT YOUR

MAN WOULD APPRECIATE, YOU KNOW,

A NEW LOOK.

A NEW LOOK?

ME, A MAKEOVER?

YEAH, YOU KNOW, LIKE SOME

HIGHLIGHTS, A FACIAL.

YOU KNOW, SOME NEW NAIL COLOR.

SOMETHING.

FIRST OF ALL, ME AND MY

BOYFRIEND BROKE UP MONTHS AGO.

WELL, MAYBE THAT'S WHY YOU

LET YOURSELF GO.

YOU TWO KNOW NOTHING ABOUT

WOMEN.

THAT'S WHY YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU.

THAT'S WHY YOU'LL NEVER FIND

ONE. AND THAT'S WHY YOU CAN'T

KEEP ONE.

WHAT?

WHAT'D I DO?

NOTHING. NOTHING.

THAT'S WHAT EVERYBODY'S DOING --

NOTHING.

EVERYBODY GET -- HELLO, ANGEL?

BUT, CHIEF, THERE'S NOTHING

FOR US TO DO.

ENGINE COMPANY 5, PLEASE

RESPOND TO A MULTI-VEHICLE

COLLISION AT THE 75-85 SPLIT.

TRAFFIC IS BLOCKED IN BOTH

DIRECTIONS.

PLEASE USE SECONDARY ROUTES.

THAT'S PERFECT.

EVERYBODY, Y'ALL BE SAFE OUT

THERE. GET GOING.

FINALLY, PEACE AND QUIET.

[ GROANS ]

OH, BOY.

EXCUSE ME.

OH. COME ON. MAY I HELP YOU?

UM, I REALLY HOPE SO.

I'M GOING TO HAVE A BABY.

CONGRATULATIONS.

LET ME REPHRASE THAT.

I'M GOING TO HAVE A BABY, LIKE,

RIGHT NOW.

RIGHT NOW. [ GASPS ]

[ GASPS ]

HOO. HOO!

WATCH THIS.

[ VIDEO GAME SOUNDS ]

WHOA!

CALVIN, WE'RE GONNA MISS

THE MOVIE.

OH, OH, YEAH, TRACIE.

CAN'T YOU JUST, LIKE, SAVE

THE GAME AND PLAY IT LATER?

All: SAVE AND PLAY LATER?

YOU CAN'T SAVE IN THE MIDDLE

OF A LEVEL.

WHY NOT?

All: BECAUSE YOU CAN'T.

THIS IS THE FURTHEST I'VE

EVER GOTTEN IN THIS GAME.

I'M MAKING HISTORY.

OH, HISTORY, HUH?

SO IT'S ABOUT GETTING TO THE

NEXT LEVEL?

CALVIN...IF YOU ARE NOT IN THE

CAR IN THE NEXT 5 SECONDS, YOU

WILL NEVER, EVER MAKE IT TO THE

NEXT LEVEL WITH ME, OKAY?

NEXT LEVEL WITH ME, OKAY? BE BREEZY, FELLAS.

BE BREEZY, FELLAS.

HEY, MAN, YOU THINK WE EVER

GONNA LET WOMEN JUST TURN US

INTO PUNKS LIKE THAT WHEN WE

GROW UP?

ELLA! ELLA! ELLA!

MALIK, WHERE'S YOUR AUNTIE?

MALIK.

MALIK! WHERE'S YOUR AUNT ELLA?

SHE'S STUCK IN TRAFFIC WITH

JAZMINE AND MOM.

SHE'S STUCK IN TRAFFIC.

SHE'S STUCK IN TRAFFIC.

UH, OKAY.

EVERYBODY CALM DOWN.

EVERYBODY CALM DOWN.

EVERYBODY CALM DOWN. OKAY.

UH, EITHER ONE OF YOU EVER

DELIVERED A BABY?

OH, YEAH, I DO THAT ALL THE

TIME IN BIOLOGY CLASS.

OH, I DELIVERED TRIPLETS LAST

WEEK.

OH, YOU DID.

COME ON WITH ME.

I WAS PLAYING!

STOP PLAYING!

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

IS YOUR UNCLE CURTIS ALWAYS

LIKE THAT?

PRETTY MUCH.

I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD'VE LEFT

EARLIER.

HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW

AN ACCIDENT WAS GONNA BE BACKING

UP THE HIGHWAYS?

THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

HAD WE LEFT EARLIER, THEN WE

WOULD'VE MISSED THE ACCIDENT.

I MIGHT AS WELL PLAY --

AH-AH-AH-AH.

YOU PLAY NO MORE GAMES, NO MORE

GAMES. LET'S GO.

WE'RE GONNA GO TO MY HOUSE,

WATCH A MOVIE.

FINE.

MALIK, WATCH OUT FOR THE SPACE

MONKEYS.

CALVIN! LET'S GO!

[ VIDEO GAME SOUNDS ]

LOOK OUT, MALIK.

DON'T NOBODY TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

CALVIN?

CALVIN.

YOU WANT TO BE ALONE TONIGHT?

WHAT'S UP?

UH-HUH.

UNH-UNH.

AHA.

MAN, YOUR AUNTIE TRACIE IS NO

JOKE.

AND YOUR COUSIN CALVIN?

AND YOUR COUSIN CALVIN? HE IS.

HE IS.

[ PANTING ]

OH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING

TO GET YOUR WIFE.

OOH!

SHE'S STUCK IN TRAFFIC.

OKAY, WHERE'S YOUR HUSBAND?

HE'S ALREADY AT THE HOSPITAL

WAITING FOR ME.

WELL, WHY THE HELL YOU DIDN'T

GO WITH HIM?

I WAS ON MY WAY TO MEET HIM

THERE, BUT HE LEFT STRAIGHT FROM

WORK.

THE TRAFFIC WAS TOO BAD TO GET

THERE.

OOH!

WELL, CAN'T WE CALL HIM?

CAN'T HE COME PICK YOU UP OR

SOMETHING?

OH, SURE.

AAH!

DON'T DO THAT.

AFTER TRAFFIC CLEARS!

NOW, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR

PROBLEM?

DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO IN

THIS KIND OF AN EMERGENCY?

THAT WAS 27 YEARS AGO!

AND WHATEVER I LEARNED THEN IS

NOT GONNA HELP YOU NOW!

BUT IF YOUR BABY GROWS UP AND

BECOMES AN ARSONIST, I'M YOUR

MAN.

OKAY. OKAY.

DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

YEAH, I THINK.

WELL, WEREN'T YOU THERE WHEN

THEY WERE BORN?

KIND OF, SORT OF.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I WAS THERE, BUT I PASSED

OUT.

OKAY. OKAY.

WELL, THEN, JUST SIT DOWN.

SIT DOWN FOR A SECOND.

LISTEN, MY HUSBAND AND I --

LOOK AT ME!

WHAT?!

MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE WATCHED

A LOT OF FILMS, AND WE'VE TAKEN

SEVERAL CLASSES.

OH, THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.

IT'S -- IT'S NOT HARD AT ALL,

OKAY?

I'M GONNA WALK YOU STRAIGHT

THROUGH IT, ALL RIGHT?

OKAY, WE WALK THROUGH IT.

WE WALK THROUGH IT, LIKE THE

VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH.

UH-HUH.

WE WALK RIGHT THROUGH IT.

OKAY.

I'LL BE BACK.

[ PANTING ]

HEY, SON, WAS THAT YOUR

UNCLE CURTIS?

YUP.

WHAT HE UP TO NOW, KID?

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW. [ PANTING ]

[ PANTING ]

OKAY. OKAY.

WE GOT THAT.

WE GOT THAT. WE GOT THAT.

WE GOT THAT.

DOING OKAY.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. AAH!

AAH!

AAH! AND LET'S GO.

AND LET'S GO.

HEY, BRO, DID YOU HEAR

SOMETHING?

NOPE.

NOPE. OKAY, COOL.

OKAY, COOL.

CALVIN, LOOK.

I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THIS.

WHAT YOU MEAN?

I MEAN YOU'RE A BIG KID.

YOU SLEEP TILL NOON.

YOU EAT CEREAL ALL DAY --

BREAKFAST, LUNCH, AND DINNER.

WHO DOES THAT?

YOUR DAD PAYS YOUR BILLS.

SO, TRACIE, WHAT'S THE

PROBLEM?

THE PROBLEM IS YOU'RE

TRIFLING.

LOOK, I'VE ALREADY GOT KYLE IN

MY LIFE.

I DON'T NEED TWO LITTLE BOYS.

SO, IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH ME,

I NEED YOU TO STEP IT UP AND

BECOME A MAN, CALVIN.

OKAY...ALREADY.

FINE.

PAY YOU MORE ATTENTION AND...

START ACTING MY AGE.

COUSIN CALVIN, COME QUICK.

WE JUST GOT ON LEVEL 9.

OOH!

I'LL BE RIGHT -- UGH -- HERE,

I'LL BE RIGHT -- UGH -- HERE, TALKING TO TRACIE.

TALKING TO TRACIE.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

BUT, LOOK, CAN YOU SEND A

HELICOPTER OR SOMETHING?

WHAT?

THIS IS A LIFE-OR-DEATH

EMERGENCY!

LOOK, IF THIS WOMAN HAS A BABY

IN FRONT OF ME, I'M GONNA DIE.

HELLO!

OOH, DAMN!

[ GRUNTS ]

[ GLASS SHATTERS ]

[ WHIMPERING ]

SIR?

PLEASE, CAN YOU STOP CALLING

PEOPLE?

I REALLY NEED YOU TO JUST CALM

DOWN.

OKAY. I AM CALM.

I AM CALM.

PLEASE, JUST RELAX, OKAY?

LOOK, LOOK, JUST TAKE A DEEP

BREATH.

COME ON, PLEASE?

OKAY, JUST TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

I DON'T WANT TO BREATHE!

TAKE A DEEP BREATH!

ALL RIGHT? JUST LIKE THIS.

[ BREATHING DEEPLY ]

HOOOOO!

HOOOO!

HOOOO!

♪ OOOH ♪

GOOD.

NOW ARE YOU CALM?

NO!

[ WHIMPERING ]

OKAY.

COME OUT FROM UNDER THERE.

NO.

COME OUT!

[ WHIMPERING ]

I NEED YOU TO STOP FREAKING

OUT AND SIT IN THAT CHAIR,

ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, COME ON.

JUST SIT DOWN.

LOOK.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK AT ME.

LOOK AT ME.

COME ON. COME ON. COME ON.

LOOK. LOOK.

OKAY. GOOD.

NOW PUT YOUR HAND ON YOUR BELLY.

OKAY?

ON YOUR BELLY, DUMMY.

PUT YOUR HAND ON YOUR BELLY AND

RUB IT IN A CIRCULAR MOTION.

GOOD. LIKE THAT, YEAH.

NOW WE'RE GONNA TAKE A DEEP

BREATH IN.

GOOD, DEEP BREATH.

AND EXHALE SLOWLY.

HOO.

[ GROWLS ]

GOOD. GOOD.

[ GROWLS ]

NOW ARE YOU CALM?

YES.

OKAY, GOOD.

BECAUSE MY WATER JUST BROKE.

AAH! DAMN!

AAH! DAMN! I'M GONNA GET YOU THE MOP!

I'M GONNA GET YOU THE MOP!

HERE WE GO.

HERE WE GO.

HERE WE GO.

♪ NOW GO TO SLEEP, LITTLE BABY ♪

OKAY.

COME ON, SIT ON THIS.

SIT ON THIS.

OKAY, SIT RIGHT THERE.

IT'S OKAY. I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

SIT UP ON IT. SIT UP ON IT.

OKAY. OKAY, HOLD ON.

HOLD ON. LET ME DO THIS.

LET ME DO THIS, 'CAUSE...

[ WHIMPERS ]

THEY FOLDED IT -- THEY FOLDED IT

WRONG!

OKAY.

THANK YOU.

OKAY. OKAY.

THAT'S SWEET.

OKAY. IT'S OKAY.

IT'S C.J.'s BLANKET.

OH, SOMETHING FOR MY HEAD,

SOMETHING FOR MY HEAD.

OKAY. OKAY.

SOMETHING FOR THE HEAD.

SOMETHING FOR THE HEAD.

OKAY. OKAY.

[ MOANING ]

OKAY?

NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP.

I PRAY MY SOUL TO KEEP...

THAT THIS BABY COME OUT BEFORE

I WAKE UP!

[ SCREAMS INDISTINCTLY ]

[ MOANING ]

LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU'RE

FINISHED.

SIR, COME BACK, PLEASE!

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO CATCH THE

BABY!

OH, NO, I CAN'T CATCH THE

BABY.

I'M NOT -- I'M -- I'M --

BABY, I'M A FULLBACK.

I'M NOT A RECEIVER.

SHUT UP, ALL RIGHT?

NOW, LOOK.

YOU ARE GONNA HELP ME DELIVER

THIS BABY, AND YOU'RE GONNA LIKE

IT, ALL RIGHT?

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!

YE-E-E-S.

YE-E-E-S. [ GROANING ]

[ GROANING ]

[ Deep voice ] HERE YOU ARE,

DARLING.

THANK YOU.

BABY, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT

THE IMMIGRATION DEBATE?

[ Normal voice ] HUH?

[ Normal voice ] HUH? UH, COMING, MALIK.

UH, COMING, MALIK.

MALIK, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT

THE IMMIGRATION DEBATE?

WELL, UM...YOU KNOW.

IT'S A LONG HISTORY OF, UM...

YOU KNOW, UM...UM...

PEOPLE -- PEOPLE COMING --

COMING -- COMING HERE, SO --

OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE NO HELP.

YOU'RE NO HELP.

YOU COULD JUST ROLL WITH --

KYLE?

I DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL, BRO,

SO...

I CAN REMEMBER THIS.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ Deep voice ] THAT WAS A FUNNY

JOKE. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

KIDS.

WELL, UH, IT'S COMPLICATED

BECAUSE, UM...

WE ARE -- THERE'S LAWS WHICH WE

CAN'T IGNORE, AND WE'RE A GREAT

AND COMPASSIONATE NATION WITH A

LONG, VERY LONG, EXTREMELY LONG

HISTORY OF ACCEPTING PEOPLE FROM

ALL OVER THE WORLD.

YES, THAT IS A GREAT...

WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE

THAT?

WELL, THIS IS -- THIS IS HOW

I SPEAK.

[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]

DARLING, THE PHONE IS RINGING.

EXCUSE ME.

HELLO. YES, MOTHER, HEY.

JUST PLAY ALONG WITH ME.

YES.

OH, WOW.

YOU'RE STILL STUCK IN TRAFFIC.

OH, MY GOD, WELL, I'M SORRY.

UH...

[ Normal voice ] MOM, I CAN'T

COOK DINNER.

YES, MA'AM.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ Deep voice ] THAT WAS MY

MOTHER. YES.

IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

YES.

SHE SEEMS TO BE STUCK IN

TRAFFIC, AND SHE WOULD LIKE ME

TO HELP HER PREPARE DINNER.

YEAH. OKAY.

SO YOU COOK, HUH?

NO.

YES. YES. YES, OF COURSE.

I WAS A "CALENDARY" ARTS MAJOR

LAST FALL IN COLLEGE.

DO YOU MEAN CULINARYARTS?

DARLING, THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

ANYWAY, WHATEVER.

YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU?

ABSOLUTELY. YES. YES,

I WOULD LOVE THAT.

LET ME SEE WHAT YOU GOT.

THANK YOU.

I'LL BE HERE.

[ MOANING ]

YOU'RE DOING GOOD.

YOU'RE DOING GOOD.

YOU'RE DOING GOOD.

YOU'RE DOING GOOD, OKAY?

YOU'RE GONNA BREATHE.

KEEP BREATHING.

KEEP BREATHING.

SIR?

YEAH?

I REALLY APPRECIATE --

I REALLY APPRECIATE ALL THE GOOD

WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT, BUT

THE BABY'S NOT COMING OUT OF MY

EAR, OKAY?

YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO GO DOWN

THERE.

I CAN'T GO DOWN THERE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU LIKE THAT,

WOMAN!

I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME.

WELL, IT'S CRYSTAL!

NOW GET DOWN THERE!

I'M CURTIS PAYNE.

I'M CURTIS PAYNE. [ WHIMPERING ]

[ WHIMPERING ]

OKAY. HOLD ON.

GOT TO GET THREE OF THESE ON.

[ MOANING ]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ALL THE WAY

OVER THERE?

I'M NOT GONNA SHOOT IT TO YOU!

COME ON, BEND IT LIKE

BECKHAM!

OHH! OW!

OH, GOD!

SIR?

DID YOU REALLY PLAY FOOTBALL?

YES, I DID! YES, I DID!

WELL, GET READY, 'CAUSE HE'S

AT THE 30.

[ SCREAMS ]

THE 20.

THE 10.

OHH...HE COULD GO...

ALL THE WAY!

TIME OUT!

TIME OUT!

THERE ARE NO TIME-OUTS!

THERE ARE NO TIME-OUTS! [ WHIMPERING ]

[ WHIMPERING ]

[ CRYING ]

OH, IT'S A TOUCHDOWN.

IT'S A TOUCHDOWN.

IT'S A BOY.

IS HE OKAY?

IS HE SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE A

SHAR-PEI?

DID YOU CALL MY BABY A DOG?

YEAH, WITH A LEASH.

OH, LOOK AT YOU.

ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH, I'M GOOD. I'M GOOD.

GOOD. BECAUSE WE'RE GOING

INTO OVERTIME.

NO.

I'M HAVING TWINS.

NO.

WE GOT TO VOTE.

DO YOU WANT TWINS?

HE DON'T WANT TWINS.

I GOT TO PUT YOU BACK.

I GOT TO PUT YOU BACK. I GOT TO PUT YOU BACK.

I GOT TO PUT YOU BACK.

MAN, CAN YOU BELIEVE TRAFFIC?

IT'S AMAZING WHAT WE HAVE TO

PUT UP WITH IN THIS JOB.

I'M JUST GLAD IT'S CLEAR NOW

AND --

AWW, UNC, WHAT'S UP WITH THE

BABIES, MAN?

AREN'T THEY BEAUTIFUL?

HI!

AND I DELIVERED THEM ALL BY

MYSELF.

EXCUSE ME.

OH, I HAD A LITTLE HELP.

EVERYBODY, THIS IS CRYSTAL.

CRYSTAL, UH, UH, UH, UH --

SHE WAS THE QUARTERBACK.

I WAS THE RECEIVER.

IT WAS REALLY TOUGH, SIR,

BUT YOU CAME THROUGH FOR ME.

WOULD YOU MIND IF I NAMED

ONE OF MY BOYS AFTER YOU?

OH, NOT AT ALL. NOT AT ALL.

MA'AM, YOU SURE YOU WANT TO

NAME YOUR BABY

CURTIS BOOKER T. PAYNE?

OH, THAT'S YOUR NAME?

MAYBE I COULD JUST BAKE YOU A

CAKE.

THAT'S A GOOD CALL.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THAT'S A GOOD, SOLID, FAMILY

NAME.

YEAH, SO IS

GEORGE HERBERT WALKER BUSH, BUT

YOU DON'T WANT TO NAME YOUR KIDS

THAT.

LOOK, BART AND KEENAN, DO

Y'ALL MIND GOING TO GET THE

STRETCHER SO WE CAN TAKE CRYSTAL

AND THE BOYS TO THE HOSPITAL?

MY PLEASURE, CHIEF.

NO PROBLEM.

THAT'S A GOOD BABY.

HEY, UH, C.J.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO GET YOUR

BLANKET CLEANED.

BLANKET CLEANED. OOH.

OOH.

WHOO!

WHOO!

IT'S ALIVE!

HEY, WHERE'S YOUR MOTHER AT?

SHE'S NOT GONNA BELIEVE THE DAY

I HAD TODAY.

WHEW!

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ Deep voice ] YEAH!

CALVIN, WHERE'S YOUR MOTHER?

OH, FATHER.

SHE'S IN TRAFFIC AND SHE SHOULD

BE HOME SOON.

WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH

YOUR VOICE?

NOTHING, FATHER.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WHO COOKED ALL THIS FOOD?

I PREPARED IT.

NO, FOR REAL.

WHO COOKED THE FOOD?

OKAY.

TRACIE HELPED ME.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YOUR PLATE'S IN THE MICROWAVE.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU COOKED ALL THIS WITH TRACIE?

MAN!

YOUR MAMA CAN'T GET YOU TO

BUTTER TOAST.

FATHER, FATHER, FATHER.

[ LAUGHS ]

SIT DOWN, PLEASE.

SO, WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU?

FATHER, FATHER, FATHER.

OH. OH.

INTERESTING.

YOU DON'T HAVE A LAP.

THERE YOU GO.

UHH!

[ LAUGHS ]

WHAT -- WHAT DID YOU --

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

I WILL IGNORE THAT, FATHER.

LOOK...

DON'T IGNORE THAT.

TRACIE.

TRACIE.

SHE IS VERY SPECIAL.

SHE MAKES ME WANT TO STEP MY

GAME UP.

YES.

[ Deep voice ] LUKE, THIS IS

YOUR FATHER.

[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]

I'M GLAD YOU HAVE STEPPED

YOUR GAME UP.

IT IS NICE TO SEE YOU GROWING

UP, SIMBA.

THANK YOU, FATHER.

AND TO CELEBRATE MY MANHOOD,

I WILL GO BEAT MALIK'S HIGH

SCORE.

UGH!

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU...

JERK.