Original subtitles

[ indistinct arguing ]

>> ella: what's going on?!

[ arguing continues ]

What's going on, guys?

What's going on?

Quiet!

C.J., what happened?

>> curtis: why does he get to go

First?

>> ella: because I said so.

>> c.J.: well, ms. Claretha's

Daughter, huretha, she asked me

If I wanted to go to the

Alicia keys concert.

You know how much I love alicia.

So I went.

>> ella: okay, so what's the

Problem?

>> curtis: the problem is him

Having to take out "Huge-retha"

Is cruel and unusual punishment.

And c.J.'s been through enough!

>> ella: but, curtis, he just

Said he wanted to go.

And why would you say something

So mean about huretha?

>> curtis: because it's the

Truth, ella!

It's the truth, huh!

Do you know that she made them

Go to porky's rib shack, where

She closed down the "Buff-ett"?

The whole "Buff-ett," ella!

Nobody else could eat nothing,

Ella!

>> claretha: no, no.

>> curtis: and then on top of

That, he took her to the store,

Where she hooked up a siphon to

The soda machine and sucked up

All the slushies!

No slushies for the kids, ella!

>> claretha: wrong, wrong,

Wrong!

First of all, it wasn't porky's

Rib shack -- it was hog heaven.

And second, she did not close

Down the "Buff-ett" from

Anybody.

Third, huretha does not even

Drink slushies.

She always washes down her food

With a little sip of diet soda.

>> curtis: she's delusional.

She's delusional.

She in her own world, ella.

Did you know that c.J. Had to

Pay $30 for valet -- you didn't

Know I knew that, did you?

$30 for valet 'cause huretha

[grunts] Couldn't walk her big

Behind 20 feet across the

Parking lot.

>> claretha: wrong, wrong again.

It wasn't $30. It was $29.50.

And it was the only parking that

Was left.

>> ella: okay.

How do y'all know all of this?

>> c.J.: 'cause they followed

Us!

>> ella: what?!

Why were y'all following them?

>> curtis: protection.

>> claretha: for protection.

Anyway, we all know c.J.'s on

The rebound, and I didn't want

Him to take advantage of my

Baby.

>> curtis: how the hell he gonna

Take advantage?!

She outweigh him by two grown

Folk and a midget!

Every time she walk outside,

The earth tilts!

>> ella: curtis!

>> curtis: everybody be like,

"Come on inside, come on

"Come on inside, come on Inside."

Inside."

>> calvin: ah, there he is.

C.J., c.J.

So I hear you're back on the

Market again...In a bigway.

>> keenan: yeah,

Double-dating...The same girl.

>> c.J.: ha ha.

Very funny.

Yeah, I decided to start dating

Again.

But me and huretha didn't go on

A date. We're just friends.

>> bart: oh, c.J.

Big girls need love, too.

Don't knock it till you try it.

>> angel: yeah, calvin.

And keenan.

It's not cool to talk about a

Woman's weight.

And besides, you know beauty's

Only skin-deep, right?

>> calvin: yeah, but ugly

[snorts] Is to the bone.

>> angel: no wonder you can't

Keep a woman.

[ speaking spanish ]

>> curtis: hey, angel.

What'd I tell you about that

Cussin'?

>> angel: [ mutters in spanish ]

>> calvin: you know why she's

Hard on me?

'cause she loves me.

>> angel: I heard that.

>> c.J.: well, big or small,

Huretha's the only woman I've

Been out with since janine left,

So I figure I'm ready now.

>> bart: [ chuckles ] Oh, c.J.

You mean I've had more dates

Than you?

>> keenan: yeah, bart, family

Reunions don't count.

>> bart: keenan! Keenan!

That was my third cousin!

I told you that in strict

Confidence.

>> keenan: that's nasty!

>> calvin: tell you what,

C.J. -- here's my little black

Book.

Now, there are some 10s in here

That'll make your mouth water.

She's a contortionist.

>> c.J.: oh, wait a minute --

You got pictures?

>> calvin: yes, sir.

And she's a dancer.

>> c.J.: oh, that's nice.

>> calvin: and, she's a --

>> angel: you have a black book?

I mean, how old are you?

>> calvin: old enough, baby.

>> angel: [ yelling in spanish ]

>> curtis: angel! English!

English! English!

>> c.J.: wow, it's like y'all

Are married already.

>> angel: chief, I'm gonna go

Upstairs, okay?

[ speaks spanish ]

>> curtis: get that girl all

Riled up like that.

Y'all do it all the time.

What you got, a black book?

I ain't seen one of these since

Ella burnt mine up.

Matter of fact, is this mine?

>> calvin: no. It's mine.

>> c.J.: hey, unc, calvin's

Gonna hook me up with a date.

>> curtis: oh, come on, man.

You don't want calvin's

Leftovers.

You need to let your uncle hook

You up.

>> calvin: please, pops.

You don't have any game.

>> keenan: I know.

His game is so old, he can't

Even find the field.

[ laughter ]

>> curtis: ha. Ha ha.

>> bart: he doesn't even have

Tickets to his game!

>> curtis: bart, do you even

Know what we're talking about?

>> bart: no.

>> curtis: right. So shut up.

Hey, I got enough game to know

That dating a linebacker like

Huretha is a personal foul.

And a clip.

Out of bounds.

[ laughs ]

>> c.J.: that's cold, unc.

>> curtis: so is your bed at

Night.

>> all: oooh.

Shank.

>> curtis: [ shivers, laughs ]

No, man, I'm telling you --

Bill's niece just moved to town.

And she is fine, jack.

She is fine!

Let me hook you up, man.

She got lips like angelina...

She got a face like halle...

And legs like tina.

>> c.J.: unc, hook that up, hook

That up.

>> curtis: she fine.

I'm gonna call bill now.

>> c.J.: okay.

>> claretha: shouldn't

Sister mason be here folding

These brochures instead of us?

>> ella: girl, she's in the

Hospital.

>> claretha: so?

She's still got one good hand.

>> ella: claretha, please.

Look at this. Look at this.

Can you believe aids is the

Second-leading cause of death

For american women from ages 25

To 44?

>> claretha: well, thank god I'm

45.

>> ella: ha!

Okay, why is it that I continue

To grow older and you continue

To get younger?

>> claretha: ain't god good?

>> ella: whatever. [ laughs ]

Hello.

Hey, how can I help you?

>> karen: yeah, my name is

Karen bentley, and I was reading

In the church bulletin that the

Women's ministry is holding an

Aids workshop tomorrow.

>> ella: yes, we are.

>> karen: well, I would really

Love to volunteer.

>> ella: and, karen, we would

Really love to have you.

>> karen: great!

>> ella: oh, I'm ella payne,

And I am the secretary for the

Women's ministry, and I run the

Help center.

>> karen: nice to meet you.

>> ella: please.

>> claretha: I'm claretha

Jenkins, former first lady

And twice removed as head

Of the women's ministry.

>> karen: nice to meet you.

>> ella: karen, these are our

Brochures.

>> karen: okay. Great.

Okay, now, I've seen these

Before.

Are these what you're gonna pass

Out tomorrow?

>> claretha: yes.

Is there a problem?

>> karen: well, it's just that

It only lists statistics.

It doesn't say anything about

Symptoms or the importance of

Getting tested.

>> ella: oh, I guess you're

Right.

>> karen: you know, I could

Bring in some of my own

Materials and pass them out

Tomorrow.

>> claretha: why do you have

Materials on aids?

>> karen: because I'm a nurse...

>> ella: oh, okay, okay.

>> karen: ...And I'm hiv

Positive.

>> claretha: oh. Good.

Uh-huh.

Uh, you know, you don't even

Look sick.

>> karen: most infected people

Don't.

>> ella: and that is what we

Need to know.

So...

Karen, can you speak to our

Ladies tomorrow?

>> karen: absolutely.

I would love to, ella.

>> ella: that's good.

Thank you.

Tomorrow.

>> karen: yes, thank you.

Thank you so much.

It was nice meeting you, too,

Claretha.

>> claretha: oh, yeah, baby.

It was nice meeting you, too.

I'll see you tomorrow.

>> karen: okay.

>> ella: tomorrow, karen.

Thank you.

God bless you.

Claretha, why didn't you shake

Her hand the second time?

>> claretha: what?

I don't know her like that.

Plus, I like giving air dap.

I'm cool like that.

>> ella: no, you scared like

That.

That. That's not nice.

That's not nice.

>> curtis: what you talking

About, not your type.

Fine as that woman is.

How can a fine woman like that

Not be your type?

>> ella: call her "Fine" one

More time, hear?

>> c.J.: well, she, uh...

She doesn't want a man.

>> curtis: what you talking

About? All women need a man.

All women need a man.

I know these women are

Independent today, but all of

Them need a man.

You know, cut the grass, fix a

Flat...Wax that --

>> ella: curtis!

>> c.J.: I didn't say she

Doesn't need a man.

I said she doesn't want a man.

She's a lesbian.

>> curtis: so?

Your auntie's one, too.

Baby?

Ain't nothing wrong with a woman

Having a hobby.

'cause you do them plays.

You do them plays, don't you?

Ain't you got your lesbian card?

What was that one?

"God, don't beat up my husband"?

What was that one you did?

>> ella: curtis, he said

"Lesbian."

She likes women.

I'm a thespian.

I like plays.

Get it?

>> curtis: "Luh"?

>> ella: "Luh."

>> curtis: "Thuh."

Whoo!

I'm sorry, man.

I didn't see that one coming.

>> c.J.: it's okay.

I'm cool with it.

I might even hang out with her

Again, you know?

All right, good night, y'all.

[ sighs ]

>> curtis: I don't get it.

How can a woman that fine be a

Les--

>> ella: curtis!

You think I'm playing with you,

Don't you?

>> curtis: what? I didn't say --

>> ella: call her "Fine" one

More time.

Don't do it.

>> curtis: fine.

Look here.

Since c.J. Is lonely and

Borderline pathetic...

>> c.J.: thanks, unc.

>> curtis: I love you.

...Here's what we're gonna do.

Anybody that can get c.J. A

Perfect date is gonna get the

Day off.

>> angel: the perfect date?

Sorry.

I'm not available.

>> bart: neither am I.

>> curtis: shut up, bart.

Okay, she don't have to be

Perfect.

She don't have to be perfect --

Just breathing.

You can't be too choicy, your

Situation.

>> c.J.: thanks again.

>> curtis: I love you.

That's why I do it.

>> calvin: breathing is the

Only requirement?

Well, shoot, let's go down to

The corner of ponce and

Boulevard.

Y'all got cash, right?

>> curtis: ha!

"You got cash to go to ponce"!

Sit down and shut up.

Okay, you know what?

I'm gonna change the stakes a

Little bit.

Day off with pay.

>> keenan: oh!

Now we're talking.

>> curtis: yeah, you heard that.

>> c.J.: y'all got women lined

Up all the way around the block,

Man. What y'all do?

Man. What y'all do? Ha ha!

Ha ha!

>> c.J.: how can I possibly

Choose one from all them women?

>> calvin: hold up.

Who said you had to pick just

One?

>> c.J.: I could get three or

Four.

>> angel: c.J.!

Because one is enough.

[ speaks spanish ]

>> calvin: you know you want me.

No, it's okay.

She just likes it rough, that's

All.

>> keenan: hey, why don't we set

Up speed dates so c.J. Can

Decide?

>> c.J.: okay! That'll work.

>> curtis: good idea, good idea.

>> c.J.: hey, bart, this is what

I want you to do.

I want you to go out there, and

I want you to screen the girls,

All right?

So when you see the ones that

You like, bring me the other

Ones.

>> bart: cool!

That leaves more for me.

>> c.J.: and, unc, why don't you

Time everything and blow the

Whistle and say "Next."

Keep it moving on.

Got the whistle?

>> curtis: right here.

>> c.J.: okay.

>> keenan: introducing

Flexible felicia!

>> curtis: ooh hoo!

>> c.J.: look at that.

You must be calvin's friend,

The contortionist.

Hi, I'm c.J.

How you know I like toes?

Ha ha!

Listen, tell me about yourself.

[ whistle blowing ]

>> curtis: next!

>> c.J.: but she flexible.

>> curtis: you don't even know

What to do with that.

>> c.J.: she flexible.

>> curtis: she'll hurt you.

Go ahead on, baby.

That's nice, though.

That's real nice. That's a gift.

>> calvin: sorry, baby.

But stay limber, okay?

Call me.

>> c.J.: that's was all right.

She put the leg -- she put the

Leg back there.

>> keenan: introducing

Christina locklear!

>> c.J.: yeah,

Christina locklear.

Oh! What the hell?

Uh, miss...Ter.

There's some confusion, 'cause

I only date women.

Bart, I thought you were

Screening 'em!

>> bart: well, he said he was

Having an operation soon.

I wanted to give you a

Selection.

>> c.J.: blow the whistle.

Unc, blow the whistle.

Blow the whistle!

>> curtis: c.J., why don't you

Get to know him?

He might be a nice lady.

>> c.J.: will you...

>> curtis: [ laughs ]

You know you can't be picky.

[ whistle blows ]

Sorry, rupaul.

[ laughs ]

>> c.J.: he big, he big.

>> curtis: ooh-whee.

He almost big as huretha.

>> keenan: introducing

Miss chang.

[ whistle blows ]

>> c.J.: yeah. Hey.

Hi, I'm c.J.

>> suequita: what up, son?

I'm suequita.

You the fireman with benefits

Looking for a wifey?

>> c.J.: uh, well...

>> suequita: what y'all be doing

Up in here when there ain't no

Fire?

>> c.J.: during the time that

We're not working, we like to

Watch television.

And we play cards.

>> suequita: you watch

Television, play cards?

>> c.J.: we play chess.

Unc plays chess.

>> suequita: y'all a bunch of

Squares.

Straight up l-7s, yo.

No wonder you don't got no

Wives.

I don't want to be your wife,

Either.

You don't got no music up in

Here?

>> c.J.: listen, kimora.

Um...

We, uh...

We were looking for somebody

Who speaks english.

>> suequita: oh, you want

Someone who speaks english?

Is that an asian dis, son?

I amspeaking english!

Shoot, tell me I ain't speaking

English.

[ whistle blowing ]

>> c.J.: back up off me.

>> curtis: jacqueline chan, hold

On.

>> suequita: what are you

Blowing your whistle for?

>> curtis: because we need you

Be gone now, son.

Bye.

>> suequita: get your hands off

Me!

I don't need you to touch me.

Shoot!

>> keenan: introducing

Mary "Mother of agnes" scott.

>> curtis: your knees gonna get

Dirty.

Hey, hey!

What the hell?

[ bellows ]

>> c.J.: will you get her out of

Here?

>> curtis: here, bless you.

Bless you.

Now, go on.

Go on!

Will you go?

Go!

Go on and be with god.

>> calvin: it was holy water.

>> curtis: it's holy.

>> karen: do you know why

African-american women are

16% more likely to contract

Aids?

>> claretha: I do.

It's because of those down-low

Brothers.

I heard about them on "Oprah."

>> karen: actually, the reason

Is because of denial and

Ignorance.

Look, basically,

African-american women are in

Denial, okay?

They don't think they can get

Aids, so they don't use

Protection.

And we're ignorant because we

Fail to get tested.

Raise your hand if you've ever

Been tested for aids.

>> ella: put your hand down.

That was for cholesterol.

>> claretha: they took blood.

>> karen: see, this is what

I'm talking about.

Only two of you raised your

Hands.

Do you realize that it takes

8 to 10 years for some

People to show the symptoms of

Hiv?

So you could be spreading the

Disease without even knowing it.

Look, the only way for you to

Know for sure is for you and

Your partner to get tested.

Okay, we're gonna take a

20-minute break.

And when we return, I will

Discuss the symptoms of hiv.

>> ella: yes.

Ladies, please help yourselves

To cookies and punch.

Whoo!

This is good, isn't it?

Claretha.

Karen is doing an excellent job.

>> claretha: yeah, she is.

She really is.

Ooh, girl, I better go over here

Get me an oatmeal cookie before

These greedy women wolf them

All down.

>> karen: here you go.

You can have some of mine.

I don't need all these.

>> claretha: oh, that's all

Right.

I really prefer chocolate chip.

>> karen: okay. Suit yourself.

>> claretha: okay.

>> ella: claretha, why didn't

You take that cookie?

>> claretha: I just said I

Prefer chocolate chip.

Plus, you know, I need to

Watch my figure.

>> ella: oh, no, no, no.

You're not fooling nobody.

You're treating karen like she

Has --

>> claretha: what? Aids?

>> ella: she does not have aids.

She's hiv positive.

>> claretha: same thing.

>> ella: no, it isn't.

You can spread a cold faster

Than hiv.

>> claretha: really?

>> ella: claretha, look at this.

Did you see it?

You cannot get the virus from

Saliva, tears, sweat, shaking

Hands, kissing.

>> claretha: oh.

I guess I am a little ignorant,

Huh?

>> ella: yes! I mean, well --

You know what? No.

Ignorant is not knowing.

You just plain "Ig'nant."

>> claretha: I'm sorry.

>> ella: you should be.

>> keenan: introducing

Miss major ette!

>> c.J.: hey, she fine.

She fine.

>> bart: ♪ oh, when the saints ♪

♪ go marching in ♪

♪ oh, when the saints

Go marching in ♪

♪ how I long to be in that

Number ♪

>> c.J.: unc, blow the whistle.

>> bart: ♪ when the saints go

Marching in ♪

>> c.J.: uncle curtis!

>> curtis: I like this song.

>> c.J.: blow the whistle.

[ whistle blowing ]

>> curtis: march it out!

>> c.J.: man! You know what?

I can't even do this no more,

Man.

I can't see no more women.

I don't care who is back there.

I don't want to see no more

Women.

>> angel: really?

Well, I guess I'll just have to

Send my friend amber back.

>> c.J.: I guess we could see

One more.

One more ain't gonna hurt.

Yeah, amber.

Hey. How you doing?

>> amber: great.

>> c.J.: all right.

>> amber: thanks for agreeing to

Meet me.

I'm a little nervous because

This is my first date since my

Breakup.

>> c.J.: me too. Uh-huh

So, tell me about yourself.

>> amber: well, I'm a dentist,

And in my spare time I volunteer

At the boys & girls club.

>> c.J.: you like kids?

>> amber: yeah, I love kids.

>> c.J.: ha ha!

>> curtis: she like kids.

>> c.J.: you like kids.

Yeah.

>> amber: I also love camping,

Cooking, going to the movies,

Ice-skating.

>> c.J.: what?

You like all that?

>> amber: uh, what are you

Doing?

>> c.J.: you're too good to be

True, girl.

I know ashton kutcher 'bout to

Jump out and be like, "You're

Punk'd!"

[ laughter ]

I know he gonna get me.

[ laughs ] Well...

>> amber: I like a man with a

Good sense of humor.

>> c.J.: that's right.

Let's talk some more over

Dinner.

>> amber: okay. Sushi?

>> c.J.: you like sushi?

Man, it's... [ laughs ]

Wow.

I really can't stay out too

Late, though.

I got to get home to my kids.

It's been hard raising them by

Myself and everything ever

Since my ex-wife got hooked on

Crack and burned down our house.

[ whistle blowing ]

She left me with a ton of debt.

Man, it's just been hard.

I had to move in with my aunt

And uncle. It's crazy.

Where amber go?

>> curtis: I got one word for

You -- less is more.

>> ella: karen, you did a

Fabulous job!

Thank you for coming.

>> karen: oh, it was my

Pleasure, ella.

Thank you.

You really did a great job

Putting this workshop together.

>> ella: thank god.

[ both laugh ]

>> claretha: you both did.

Karen, thank you very much.

I want you to know that our

Church is lucky to have you.

>> karen: thank you.

>> claretha: ella, I'll wait for

You in the car.

>> ella: okay, babe.

>> karen: ella, I really have to

Thank you for speaking to

Claretha.

>> ella: what do you mean?

>> karen: at first, she wouldn't

Even touch me -- and she just

Shook my hand?

I know it was you.

>> ella: on behalf of my friend,

I am so sorry.

She really didn't mean you any

Harm.

>> karen: it's all right.

I deal with it all the time.

>> ella: well, maybe one day,

It'll just get better.

>> karen: amen to that.

>> ella: amen to that.

Thank you, baby.

>> karen: thank you.

>> ella: god bless you.