Original subtitles

Kevin: [ laughs ]

Malik: what are you laughing

At?

Kevin: the picture on your

Profile page.

The one in the cowboy hat looks

Like you were in the fifth

Grade.

Malik: I wasin the fifth

Grade.

What's wrong with the hat?

The feather was cool.

Kevin: cool?!

Cool if you're trying to catch a

Cowgirl.

I mean, look.

We signed up for "Our page" to

Meet regular girls.

I mean, who wants to date a guy

Who looks like he's about to

Ride merry-go-rounds at the

Petting zoo?

Malik: so let me just go to

Your page and see what else you

Lied about.

Kevin: I don't lie.

Malik: okay, let's see.

Oh, you're 6'1"?

Kevin: of course, you know.

Malik: 170 pounds.

Kevin: muscle.

Malik: all-american

Quarterback?

Kevin: of course, you know.

Malik: yeah, don't lie to

Yourself.

The only team you ever been a

Part of was the girls' chess

Club.

Kevin: I was on the girls'

Chess club because the boys' was

Full.

Anyway, let's just take the

Pictures.

Come on.

Malik: okay, let's do it.

Kevin: all right, show me

Your cool face.

I said cool, not constipated.

All right.

Now show me some muscles.

I said show me some muscles.

Malik: I am showing muscle.

Kevin: oh, I see it.

It's behind all that fat.

All right, I got you.

All right.

[ laughs ]

All right, now show me your mean

Face.

You know, girls like bad boys.

Let me see some mean.

What is that?

Malik: this is my mean face.

Kevin: all right, listen.

Show me your "Uncle curtis after

You ate his cereal" mean.

That's what I'm talking about.

That's mean enough right there.

All right, now I think I'm done.

Malik: okay.

Let's just load them up on my

Page.

Kevin: yeah, it takes a

Minute to upload them.

Just press that.

Malik: all right.

Wow, kevin, you were right.

These are way better.

Kevin: oh, snap, look.

A girl wants to be added as a

New friend.

Malik: stephanie.

Kevin: ooh!

Malik: I wonder if she looks

Good.

Kevin: what if she looks like

A dog?

Malik: that's a way better

Upgrade than the girls at our

School.

Kevin: [ laughing ] Yeah!

Both: wow!

Both: wow! Malik: she ain't no dog, dog.

Malik: she ain't no dog, dog.

Curtis: this coffee reminds

Me of myself.

Calvin: what, black and

Bitter?

Curtis: no, black and strong.

And that's why you get to clean

The toilets at the firehouse

Today, smarty-pants.

And, c.J., we got about 15

Minutes.

C.J.: don't you have to

Report for jury duty today?

Curtis: I'll get them next

Time.

I got better things to do than

Be sitting around in some funky

Courtroom all day.

Calvin: the firehouse doesn't

Smell any better.

Curtis: yeah, and that's why

You're cleaning the toilets.

C.J.: unc, you've been

Dodging the system for years,

Man.

They ain't gonna keep buying

Into your excuses.

Curtis: yeah, they are,

'cause I got good excuses.

C.J.: what?

Like the time you told them that

You couldn't do it 'cause you

Thought you were related to the

Defendant?

Curtis: we had the same name.

Calvin: his first name was

Curtis.

His last name was okimato.

Curtis: we were distant

Cousins.

Arigato!

C.J.: and what about the time

He told them that he had bird

Pneumonia.

Curtis: you remember that?

You remember that one, boy?

That was a good one.

Hey, I'm gonna tell you.

And bird pneumonia's worse than

Bird flu, bird cold.

You get bird-arrhea.

Calvin: no, no, but last year

Was worse.

He wrote a letter saying that he

Was eight months pregnant.

Curtis: I sure did!

I sure did!

Ha ha!

Twins.

Calvin: yeah, I see you still

Haven't delivered.

Pops, if you keep this up,

They're gonna put you in jail.

Curtis: jail?

They ain't gonna put me in jail.

You know why?

Because I am the fire chief.

They don't throw fire chiefs in

Jail.

Matter of fact, I'm gonna call

The police chief, thomas, and

Find out what the loopholes are,

Because they got loopholes for

Important people, like myself,

So we don't have to go to jail.

Hello.

Yeah, this is the fire chief,

Curtis payne.

Can I speak with police chief

Thomas?

Yeah, I know it's 911.

Can you please connect me with

The police office?

Thank you.

Yes, calling for chief thomas.

This is curtis...Payne.

Oh, he is?

Okay.

O-okay, thank you.

Okay.

C.J.: what did they say?

Curtis: he's got jury duty.

C.J.: [ laughs ]

Calvin: pops, just go.

You probably won't even get

Picked.

Curtis: I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna go.

But I'm telling you right now,

If I get picked, I can already

Tell you what my vote's gonna

Be, 'cause somebody's going to

Jail -- guilty!

Claretha: whoo-hoo!

Curtis: guilty of ugliness!

Why you all dressed up?

Oh, that's right.

They got the wildebeest exhibit

Opened at the zoo today.

[ laughs ]

I love it when y'all be running

From them lions.

Claretha: I'm going downtown,

And I just stopped in to say

Hello to ella.

C.J.: oh, she's at the

Girl scout retreat with jazmine.

Claretha: oh, that's right.

Well, let me get going.

Today is the best day of my

Life.

I finally got a letter selecting

Me for jury duty.

Curtis: why are you so

Excited about jury duty?

Claretha: well, it's my civic

Duty and my way of giving back

To society.

Curtis: no, it's because

You're nosy and you don't have

A life.

Claretha: well, that, too.

C.J.: guess who else got jury

Duty today?

Claretha: I already know --

Your fathead uncle.

Calvin: how'd you know?

Claretha: oh, baby, I get

Your mail before you.

By the way, your grades came.

Holler at me later.

Curtis: well, I'm not going.

Claretha: oh, curtis, come

On.

It'll be fun.

You know, we should ride

Downtown together.

C.J.: yeah.

And what are the chances of

Either of you getting picked?

Curtis: not only did they

Pick both of us, they chose us

For the same trial.

Calvin: oh, was it pookie's

Trial?

'cause you know he's innocent.

Curtis: no, calvin.

Calvin: well, how about

Peanut?

'cause he might be guilty.

Curtis: would you shut up?

Calvin: okay, okay.

Dang, why are you so angry?

Claretha: because they chose

Me to be the jury foreman.

Curtis: that's 'cause they

Thought you were a man.

Thought you were a man. Calvin: [ laughs ]

Calvin: [ laughs ]

Kevin: come and check your

"Our page" to see if stephanie

E-mailed you back.

Malik: all right.

Kevin: see this.

Malik: man, she is fine!

Kevin: I know.

Malik: I can't believe she's

Only 13.

She looks at least 14.

Kevin: now ask her if she got

Any sisters.

She might have a twin.

Malik: all right.

All right.

Um..."No, I'm the only child,

But I do have a pet parakeet."

Kevin: ask her if her

Parakeet looks like her.

Malik: you need a girlfriend

Bad.

C.J.: malik, I'm on my way

To the firehouse.

Time for kevin to leave.

I hope you're doing your

Homework on that computer.

Malik: yes, sir.

Kevin: of course!

C.J.: all right, if you get

Hungry, eat a piece of fruit.

Stop eating them doughnuts.

Kevin: or maybe you could

Fast.

Malik: or maybe you could

Shut up.

C.J.: come on.

Let's go, kevin.

Malik, if you need anything, I'm

Right across the street, all

Right?

Kevin: all right, catch you

Later, malik.

C.J.: all right, buddy.

[ door closes ]

Malik: so, stephanie, what

Malik: so, stephanie, what Are you doing now?

Are you doing now?

Okay.

Well, right now, I'm just

Lifting some weights.

Lifting some weights. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Lifting weights.

Then, later, I'll be working on

My rap cd.

Yeah.

Kevin: what's up, malik?

Malik: man, you better not

Get me in trouble.

Kevin: chill, chill.

I'll be gone before your dad

Gets here.

And we both know that you need

My help, 'cause I'm a way better

Player than you.

All right, so see if she wanna

Come over.

Malik: now?

Kevin: I mean, nobody's home.

Malik: okay.

Stephanie, do you want to come

Over so we can meet?

Kevin: you really think

She'll come?

Malik: I don't know!

Malik: I don't know! "Okay, give me your address."

"Okay, give me your address."

Okay.

"I'll be on my way!"

Kevin: oh, she's really

Coming!

Malik: I know!

Man, it is party time!

I'm gonna put me on some

Cologne!

Kevin: and while you're at

That, please put some on your

Feet.

I'm just saying.

Malik: you know what?

You're right, kevin.

Good looking out.

Kevin: all right.

Claretha: we all know that

Alonzo "Gemini" henderson

Was caught with a pound of

Marijuana in the trunk of his

Automobile.

Curtis: and he's blaming it

On his 87-year-old grandmother!

The devil is a liar!

Yes, I know it was her car.

But come on, people!

She hasn't driven the car in

Over 10 years!

Huh?

I say the boy is guilty.

I say life!

What kind of sandwich you got?

Claretha: wait, wait, wait.

Curtis, I was talking.

Curtis: his is bigger than

Mine.

Claretha: I was talking.

Mr. Henderson has the right of

Due process under our judicial

System.

Curtis: ha!

Due process.

Somebody been watching "Boston

Legal."

[ laughs ]

Claretha: thank you for your

Input, but I was not.

I was watching blair underwood

On "L.A. Law."

Claretha, I was --

Claretha: unh-unh-unh-unh.

Ooh!

Please refer to me as madam

Forewoman claretha.

Thank you.

Curtis: you could refer to

Her as madam forehead.

Claretha: let's get back to

The case.

Now I believe that the marijuana

Belongs to the grandmother.

Well, she may be using it for

Medicinal purposes, for some

Medical condition.

But my gut is telling me she is

A drug kingpin.

Curtis: boo! Boo!

And the people say, "Boo!"

Claretha: hush, curtis,

Whatever the reason, I believe

The drugs belong to her.

Curtis: come on, people!

Need I remind you that this

Dear, sweet, little, old lady,

87 years old, huh?

87!

She's innocent!

Probably a mother of a church,

Not unlike the mothers you all

Grew up with in your church that

Would feed you at communion.

Now her grandson, on the other

Hand -- what's his name, gemini?

Gemini, the 2-headed monster?

That's what we're gonna call him

Today, the 2-headed monster.

The boy is guilty!

Need I remind you that when the

Cops pulled him over, he was

Blasting dr. Dre's classic cd,

"The chronic"?

And on top of that, they found

Not 1, not 2, but 37 bags!

Huh?

Potato chips, pretzels, extra

Salt, barbecued pork rinds,

With hot sauce in the backseat.

Now I could be wrong, my fellow

Jurors, but that tells me that

Somebody got the munchies!

Claretha: curtis, are you

Finished?

Curtis: no, I'm not finished.

No, I'm not finished!

The whole jury room is out of

Order!

You know how I really know?

Seriously, I thought about this

To myself.

I was laying in my bed last

Night, thinking about the case,

Reading my bible, and all of a

Sudden, it hit me, just out the

Blue -- like, bam! -- just out

Of the blue.

It's the name, the name.

You remember his name?

Alonzo "Gemini" henderson, huh?

Alonzo "Gemini" henderson?

A.G.H. -- always getting high!

Come on, people!

And I rest.

[ doorbell rings ]

Malik: oh, that's her.

Kevin: oh.

Malik: go into the back, man.

Kevin: man, I wanna see her.

Malik: go to the back.

Kevin: all right.

Kevin: all right. Well, good luck.

Well, good luck.

Stephanie: malik?

Malik: yes?

Stephanie: hi.

Stephanie: hi. I'm stephanie.

I'm stephanie.

Stephanie: ooh, malik.

You're a lot cuter in person.

Malik: who are you?

Stephanie: I told you.

I'm stephanie.

Sorry I'm late.

You live a lot further than I

Thought.

But you were worth the drive.

Malik: this has to be a

Mistake or something, 'cause my

Friend kevin is in the kitchen

Right now.

Kevin!

Hey, kevin!

Stephanie: malik, malik,

Malik.

You already told me there was no

One here.

Malik: I thought I was

Talking to a 13-year-old girl.

Stephanie: [ laughs ]

Your aunt and jazmine are off on

A retreat.

Your uncle curtis is at jury

Duty.

And your dad is at work.

So we're all alone.

Just you and me.

So, please.

No more yelling.

Stephanie doesn't like yelling.

Malik: man, look.

You need to get out this house.

Stephanie: malik, you need to

Stop being rude.

You need to start showing me

Around.

Malik: man, look.

You have to get out my aunt and

Uncle's house, okay?

I don't want to get in trouble.

Stephanie: I wouldn't worry

About that.

You look like a smart kid.

You and I both know no one's

Ever gonna find out.

It'll be our little secret.

Now let's play a little game.

Malik: man, look.

I don't want to play any games,

Okay?

Stephanie: oh, I know you

Don't mean that, malik.

Come on.

Flex your muscles, like you did

Flex your muscles, like you did In your pictures.

In your pictures.

Claretha: so let's take a

Claretha: so let's take a Vote.

Vote.

Curtis: we're gonna be done

With this!

Ha ha!

Claretha: ooh, hoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh, it's just like tv.

Looks like we have a hung

Jury -- 11 "Guilty"S and 1

"Innocent."

Curtis: and you're the one

Who voted innocent.

Claretha: that's right, but

Don't worry.

I think I can sway 11 people.

We might have to, uh,

Debilitate a little longer.

Curtis: it's "Deliberate,"

Madam fourth-grade education.

Claretha: oh.

Stephanie: why you running,

Malik?

Malik: 'cause I'm scared,

Okay?

Please get out, okay?

Please leave.

Stephanie: you don't need to

Be scared.

Come on.

I'm your friend, remember?

We've been e-mailing each other

For a couple of days.

I know all about you.

I know you like to play video

Games and ride your bike.

And your favorite ice cream is

Chocolate.

Malik: I don't like chocolate

Anymore, okay?

I lied.

Stephanie: oh.

So you lied.

And I lied.

Now we're even.

Malik: we're not even, you

Creep!

Stephanie: ha ha!

You know, I wish you'd stop

Saying that, malik, because it

Hurts my feelings.

And you don't want to do that,

Because hurt people hurt people.

C.J.: what the hell you

Trying to do to my son?

Calvin: going somewhere?

C.J.: you like little boys,

Huh?

That's my son, you son of a

Bitch!

Calvin: you sick pervert.

C.J.: see how tough you are

When it's somebody your

Own size!

Malik: dad, dad, stop!

Stop, dad!

C.J.: no, let me go!

Calvin: stop!

The police are on their way, and

He's not worth going to jail

For.

C.J.: that's my son!

Calvin: chill, c.J.!

He ain't worth it.

C.J.: all right.

Calvin: you cool?

Calvin: you cool? C.J.: yeah.

C.J.: yeah.

Curtis: all right, everybody.

Look here.

Now I'm tired.

I know you're tired, too.

And if we order one more pizza,

I'm gonna turn into a giant

Pepperoni.

And since claretha is determined

To make this man innocent, I say

That we all vote that way.

That we all vote that way. Claretha, we're ready to vote.

Claretha, we're ready to vote.

Claretha: something happened.

Something happened.

Something happened.

Something happened.

Uh-oh.

Curtis: what?

Claretha: we have 11

"Innocent" and 1 "Guilty."

Curtis: who voted guilty?

Claretha: well, you persuaded

Me to change my vote.

And I feel in my gut that he is

Guilty.

Curtis: well, if I punch you

In your gut, will you change

Your mind back?

Claretha: you don't want the

Claretha: you don't want the Bounce back.

Bounce back.

C.J.: and, malik, you and

Kevin put yourselves in a very

Dangerous situation.

And you know that you are not

Supposed to have people in this

House when nobody is home --

Period!

I don't care who it is or who

You think it is.

You hear me?

Malik: yes, dad.

Kevin: yes, sir.

Calvin: yeah, you're lucky

Kevin came across the street and

Got us.

Somebody could have gotten hurt

Or worse.

C.J.: guys like that...

They're monsters.

I mean, they seek out little

Boys and girls and try to

Befriend them, but their real

Goal is to molest young,

Innocent children.

Kevin: well, how were we

Supposed to know that stephanie

Wasn't really a girl?

C.J.: look.

You cannot meet people over the

Internet.

You understand me?

Malik: yes, sir.

C.J.: you guys gave this guy

Too much information.

You gave him pictures.

You told him where you lived.

What's wrong with y'all?

There are way too many sick

People out there, pretending to

Be something that they're not.

Calvin: it's a shame, big

Dog, but that's the world we

Live in.

C.J.: you guys are just gonna

Have to meet people, make new

Friends, the old-fashioned way,

In person.

Kevin: so you gonna tell my

Parents?

C.J.: hell yeah!

You ain't getting out of this.

Soon as I take you home.

Malik: dad, I'm really sorry.

C.J.: boy --

Kevin: me too, mr. Payne.

C.J.: come on.

Let's go.

I hope y'all learned something.

And, malik, I'm so disappointed

In you.

I just -- you should know

Better.

But you'll have a lot of time to

Think about this.

You hear me?

Malik: yes, sir.

Malik: yes, sir. C.J.: all right.

C.J.: all right.

C.J.: all right. You keep calling for jesus, boy.

You keep calling for jesus, boy.

What's up, unc?

What's up, unc? [ television plays ]

[ television plays ]

Curtis: what's up, man?

Hey, c.J., I cannot believe.

That doggone case took hours,

Man!

And then claretha finally came

To her senses and voted against

The defendant, with the rest of

Us.

C.J.: you sent the man to

Prison?

Curtis: you're doggone

Skippy -- 15 years.

The nerve of that boy, trying to

Blame his 87-year-old

Grandmother.

C.J.: there it is.

Look -- breaking news.

At hartsfield-jackson

Airport, mary jane henderson,

An 87-year-old grandmother,

Tried to flee the country with

10 pounds of marijuana.

Initially, it was presumed that

She was just your average hefty

Woman, but it was later

Discovered that she tried to

Hide the marijuana in her wig,

Her girdle, and her socks.

More details to come later.

Curtis: oop.

My bad.