Original subtitles

With only seven seconds left

On the clock, the falcons

Really have their work cut out

For them.

C.J.: one more touchdown and

It's over, baby.

Calvin: shh!

I got money riding on this.

Vick is set.

Here's the snap.

Ohh, vick stumbles.

All: ohh!

But he stays on his feet.

All: yeah!

He hurls a hail mary pass way

Down the field.

Roddy white leaps in the end

Zone and --

[ static crackles ]

All: no!

Bart: hurry! Hurry!

We can save it.

Screwdriver!

Keenan: check!

Bart: foil!

Spit!

Eww.

The falcons win!

The falcons win.

I have never in my entire

Career seen a miraculous catch

Like that one.

Let's watch the replay.

Bart: thank goodness for

Replays, huh?

[ static crackles ]

No!

Quick! Quick!

Suction!

C.J.: what the hell?

Calvin: call it.

Bart: time of death -- 3:36,

Sunday afternoon.

I'd better tell the parents.

Keenan: ohh! Why me?

Take me, lord.

C.J.: okay, okay, fellas.

We got to get a new tv.

Keenan: with what?

Bart: hey, I got an idea.

We're gonna use the poodle

Money.

Calvin: poodle money?

Bart: yeah, you remember the

Poodle that got locked inside

The car?

Curtis: no, no, I don't

Remember that.

Bart: well, the lady, she

Sent us a "Thank you" check for

2,000 bucks, right, chief?

Remember?

C.J.: we didn't know anything

About that.

Curtis: wasn't supposed to.

Because the check was made out

To me.

Keenan: well, with $2,000, we

Can get a very nice tv.

Curtis: keenan, I think

There's a lot more important

Things we can get around here

Other than a tv.

Delivery for a curtis payne.

Curtis: that's me.

Excuse me.

Come on, bring it in.

Bring it in. Bring it in.

[ laughs ]

Don't bump it too hard.

Don't bump it too hard.

[ laughs ]

Just sign here.

Curtis: all right. All right.

I got you.

...Payne.

Calvin: what is this?

Curtis: this is the 3200

Deluxe superpro massage chair

With body scanner...For my body.

Calvin: that's a whole lot of

Scanning.

C.J.: is this what you did

With the $2,000?

Curtis: yeah.

Bart, screwdriver.

[ chuckles ]

Open it up.

It's time to walk it out.

You are beautiful.

You are sexy.

Ella: [ laughs ]

There's a skinny woman inside

Of you waiting to come out.

Ella: come on, girl.

Let's start this.

Start slow.

Ella: okay.

Walking in place.

Ella: and walk.

Now kick it up.

Faster.

And walk to the left.

Ella: and to the left.

Now walk to the right.

Ella: to the right.

Too slow.

Faster.

Faster.

Do you feel it working?

Come on, girl.

Now right leg up.

And left leg up.

Ella: wait a minute.

And double time.

And double time.

And here we go.

Ella: okay, wait. Pause.

Okay. All right.

Keep it moving.

Ella: I'm gonna cut you off.

Whoo!

Okay, that was...

C.J.: aunt ella, what you

Need -- some oxygen?

Ella: no.

I'm just so tired of these

Skinny little white women

Telling me, "You can do it.

You can do it."

C.J., I can't do it.

I can't do it.

I can't do it.

C.J.: I'm glad to see you're

Exercising, though.

I was reading this book about

Children and diabetes, and I was

Worried about malik, so I got

Him some snacks.

I cut up some carrots and put

Some cheese and crackers out.

You know, a healthy after-school

Snack.

Ella: [ laughs ]

Malik ain't eating no healthy

After-school snack, carrots --

Unless you put some chocolate on

Them.

[ laughter ]

But you're a good father.

Curtis: hey, baby.

Ella: hey, babe.

Curtis: I'm running over to

The station for a minute.

C.J.: for what?

So you can sit in your new

Massage chair?

Curtis: you're damn skippy.

C.J.: you know, even though

You were the one that saved that

Poodle, you wasn't the only one

On the call.

Curtis: c.J., when that old

Woman held that dog up, little

Fifi, to give kisses to the

Brave fireman that saved his

Life, I was the one with poodle

Spit all over my face.

C.J.: well, unc, you know the

Guys are pretty upset.

Curtis: will you quit

Worrying about my guys?

Concentrate on your kids.

C.J.: I do.

My kids love me.

Hey, baby, how was your day --

Jazmine: leave me alone!

C.J.: malik?

What's wrong with your sister?

Malik: don't ask.

Curtis: you're right.

You're a great father.

A regular old cosby.

Ella: malik, come on back in

Here, baby.

What is wrong with jazi?

Malik: I got a question for

You -- what is this?

C.J.: it's a carrot.

A vegetable.

Malik: I know that.

But where's my regular snack?

C.J.: boy, just eat it.

It's good for you.

Ella: malik, what is wrong

With jazmine?

Malik: we had one of those

Assemblies at school.

C.J.: and it made jazmine

Cry?

Malik: well, it was one of

Those "Don't do drugs" thing,

And the guy was really intense.

Ella: ohh!

Malik: he was showing us

Pictures of this guy that used

So much drugs that got cancer

And had to chop his jaw off.

Ella: well, that's it.

It was too graphic.

That's why she's so upset.

C.J.: yeah, yeah.

I'd better go talk to her.

Malik: you know what?

These carrots are really good.

I wonder if we have any

Chocolate syrup to dip them in.

Ella: c.J.!

See, c.J., I told you!

C.J.: jaz?

Jazi?

Jazmine: I don't want to talk

About it!

C.J.: ohh, baby girl,

Whatever it is, me and you, we

Can always talk about it.

Malik: psst!

Dad, let me talk to you, playa.

That ain't gonna work.

When you're talking with

Jazmine, man, you got to beat

Around the bush.

You can't be so up front with

Her, you know?

C.J.: oh, you got to beat

Around the bush?

Malik: yeah.

C.J.: okay.

So...

How about those falcons?

Jazmine: oh, daddy, that man

Was so scary.

And he said some bad things.

And marcus jones said he was

Talking about mommy.

Was he?

C.J.: no, sweetheart.

Malik: uh, yes, he was, but

It's okay.

I kicked his butt after school.

C.J.: come here, sweetheart.

Let me tell you something.

Your mommy is very sick, okay?

But you don't need to worry

About her, 'cause she's gonna

Get better real soon.

Malik: wish I could say the

Same thing about marcus jones,

But he's gonna be looking like a

Puffy-eyed raccoon for a long

Time.

C.J.: what is he talking

About?

We should get this one right

Here.

Bart: yeah, but this one

Doesn't have surround sound.

Curtis: hey, guys.

Hey, that bathroom's looking

Pretty nasty.

Keenan: but it's got a

Built-in dvd player.

Curtis: hey, excuse me.

I said the bathroom is dirty.

Bart: oh, sorry, chief.

We're just shopping for our new

Tv.

See, we heard you on the phone

Having your chair picked up,

Doing the right thing.

Curtis: oh, look here.

About the chair.

Delivery for curtis payne.

Curtis: here I am.

Bring it in. Bring it in.

Bring it in.

We gonna make you a fireman.

You might as well stay here.

But you know...

[ laughs ]

Calvin: man, I thought you

Were sending this chair back.

Curtis: I did.

This one just came.

Yeah, the massage function broke

On the other one, so I sent it

Back.

You might want to ease into

This one.

Curtis: oh, yeah -- ease in.

Did y'all hear what he said?

He has a sense of humor.

You can help them.

They ain't got no sense of

Humor, man.

They didn't get that.

Ease into the chair.

[ laughs ]

Boy, you better stop.

Let me get to it.

There you go.

I would ease in my pocket and

Give you a tip,

But I changed my mind.

Okay. [ laughs ]

He so funny.

Bart: chief, you mean we're

Stuck with this little 19-inch

Tv?

Curtis: yeah, like you're

Stuck with that huge 60-inch

Waist.

Just take turns standing in

Front of it.

You can still see it.

C.J.: the antenna's broken.

Curtis: c.J., you're not a

Very good example.

Okay?

We got foil, we got hangers.

Come on, man, be resourceful.

Calvin: pops, this stinks.

Curtis: not as much as the

Toilet.

Now, look -- unless you guys got

West nile virus or the bird flu

Or you sick or something, you

Need to get back to work.

You do that again, I promise you

I will kill you slowly.

Matter of fact, come on, y'all.

Help me take it upstairs

Real quick.

Move it on the dolly.

I'll get it right then.

Come on, help me.

I caught you breathing.

Calvin: what's up, big dog?

Oh, man.

You're cooking breakfast?

Malik: why you think I'm

Eating cereal?

Calvin: man, I thought mom

Was cooking.

Hey, I heard little bit had a

Rough day at school yesterday.

C.J.: yeah, but we had a good

Talk last night, and she slept

Right through the night.

Morning, sweetie.

Jazmine: good morning, daddy.

Good morning, cousin calvin.

C.J.: look, jazmine, I'm

Cooking your favorite.

Jazmine: [ cries ]

C.J.: what did I do?

Malik: dad, dad.

Let me demonstrate for you.

Now, the man said, "This is your

Loved one.

Hello, mommy.

I love you.

Yes, I do.

Now, this is your loved one on

Crack.

Any further questions?"

Calvin: uh, I got one.

Was that the last egg?

Curtis: whew!

What are you doing?

C.J.: I was cooking for

Jazmine.

Curtis: you might want to try

Using a skillet.

Excuse me -- why are you here?

Calvin: because I'm hungry.

Curtis: there's 10,000 people

Living in your dorm.

Ain't nobody got no food?

Calvin: no, and I canceled my

Meal plan 'cause the food

Sucked.

Curtis: good, that means I'm

Getting some money back.

Calvin: no, I bought some new

Kicks -- you like?

Curtis: I'm going to get some

Coffee.

When I come back, you be gone.

Ella: morning, guys.

Okay, what's going on right

Here?

Curtis: c.J.'s cooking

Breakfast.

Calvin: yeah, for malik,

Jazmine, and janine.

Malik: it was a drug

Demonstration.

Curtis: oh.

Bye, janine.

[ laughter ]

Ella: okay, what's wrong with

Jazmine now, c.J.?

Move out of the way.

She's in there crying her eyes

Out.

Malik: she's still upset

About that drug assembly at

School.

C.J.: aunt ella, you think my

Parents had this much trouble

Raising me?

Ella: no, I don't think.

I know.

You were a handful.

Remember that.

But listen, she's gonna be all

Right.

She'll be just fine.

Just go in there and talk to

Her.

C.J.: I tried, but obviously

It didn't work.

I mean, how do I tell the girl

That her mother's not just sick,

She's a...

Malik: a broken egg?

Ella: malik, please don't

Call your mother a broken egg.

Calvin: yeah, big dog, that's

Disrespectful.

Now, clean your mama off the

Table.

[ laughs ]

Curtis: hey, fellas, that

Grass is getting real long out

There.

Keenan: my doctor

Specifically told me to stay

Away from freshly cut grass.

Calvin: yeah, and my back

Hurts.

Curtis: okay, so I guess

Y'all are too sick to clean the

Kitchen.

Bart: don't you start with

Me, don't you start with me.

I am pms-ing.

Curtis: how the hell is that

Possible?

Bart: [ crying ] Oh, you're

So insensitive.

Curtis: yeah, I guess it is

Possible.

Hey, keenan.

Hey, man, you gonna make that

Jerk chicken with the peppers

Tonight?

Keenan: sorry, I don't want

You to catch my likeiwantto

Blues.

Curtis: okay, what's wrong

With you?

C.J.: I got a very bad case

Of selfishuncleitis.

Curtis: okay, look.

You know what?

Y'all ain't fooling nobody.

Now, if you think this little

Charade thing you playing is

Gonna make any difference on how

I --

Engine 5, please respond to

Multiple motor vehicle collision

On cleveland avenue.

C.J.: all right, time to go

To work.

Bart: hey, I don't know where

My helmet is.

Calvin: oh, it's all good.

I got your back.

I got an extra one.

Keenan: remember -- we take

The heat --

All: so others don't have to!

Keenan: let's roll!

Curtis: wow.

That's real good -- for a bunch

Of sick guys!

You ain't fooling nobody.

C.J.: hey. Hey.

Y'all need to go to bed.

Malik: can we have 15 more

Minutes, please?

C.J.: [ sighs ]

Okay.

Hey, jazi, how about I tell you

A bedtime story?

Jazmine: not the one about

The talking chicken wing.

C.J.: no, no, I haven't told

This one before.

It's new, fresh.

Jazmine: oh, okay.

Well, don't make it too

Baby-ish.

C.J.: promise.

Once upon a time --

Jazmine: dad, that would have

Worked like five years ago.

Baby-ish.

C.J.: oh, that's baby-- okay.

At one point in history, there

Was a king and a queen, and they

Had two royal children.

Malik: [ sighs ]

I know where this one's going.

C.J.: now, the queen wandered

Off into the woods and found

Some poison berries.

Malik: now, is this before or

After she burned down the

Castle?

C.J.: malik.

Malik: sorry.

C.J.: now, after she ate the

Poison berries, she got lost in

The woods, and --

Jazmine: dad, this story's

About mom, isn't it?

C.J.: yeah.

Yeah, it's about mommy.

And it's true -- she has been

Taking drugs.

Jazmine: but why?

C.J.: I don't know.

I just know that maybe it's

Because she isn't very happy.

Jazmine: is she unhappy with

Us?

C.J.: no. No.

No, she loves you guys.

She's unhappy with herself, and

That's what makes her do drugs.

Jazmine: well, why doesn't

She just go to a doctor?

C.J.: I want her to, but it's

A hard thing.

And I wish that I could just

Make it all better.

Jazmine: is that what was

Gonna happen in the story?

C.J.: no. No way.

See, in the story, the king

Couldn't save the queen from the

Berries.

Malik: dad, this story sucks.

Are you trying to cheer her up?

'cause right now you're bringing

A brother down.

Jazmine: I got a question.

Can the king make some money so

We can get a house?

C.J.: yes, but the king is

Working for an old troll chief,

And he's cheap.

Old troll cheap chief.

Let's say our prayers. Come on.

You gonna lead us all?

Jazmine: yeah.

C.J.: make it good.

Jazmine: I will need every

Head bowed.

* the devil thought he had me *

* oh, but I run *

C.J.: jazmine, you're gonna

Stop spending so much time with

Your uncle.

Father, we thank you for this

Day.

We thank you, father, for

Protecting us and guiding us and

To help us feel your love.

In jesus' name, we pray.

Amen.

Jazmine: amen.

Malik: and, god, please

Protect mom.

C.J.: yes, please.

All right.

Let's go to bed.

I love you guys.

You look like you asleep

Already.

Jazmine: * and thank god *

* for chicken *

* you didn't have to do what you

Did *

* you gave them two legs *

* two thighs *

* two wings *

Bart: what happened

To our tv?

Curtis: I took it out.

You guys staging sick-outs is

Against station rules.

So, I confiscated all

Recreational equipment.

C.J.: what recreational

Equipment?

All we had was that lousy tv.

Keenan: what's going on?

Curtis: if you guys ever

Stage another sick-out, I'm

Writing all of you up for a

Report, which means you will be

In jeopardy of losing your job.

Now, have I made myself clear?

Keenan: but it was just --

Curtis: have I made myself

Clear?

Bart: yeah, chief.

Curtis: now, y'all can get

Back to work.

I have a delivery for a --

Oh, curtis payne.

Curtis: excuse me.

C.J.: oh, man.

42-inch high-definition plasma

Tv.

Bart: with surrou--

Keenan: ou-ou-ound.

Bart: sou--

Keenan: ou-ou-ound.

Calvin: this is gangsta.

C.J.: is this for us?

Curtis: yes, it is.

Keenan: well, what about the

Massage chair?

Curtis: good point.

Oh --

I don't think so.

Curtis: you right.

They won't.

You know what?

You guys were right.

I didn't save that dog by

Myself.

I had help saving that dog.

We're a team.

We're one match...

[ stammering ] We have...

1, 2, 3, 4 -- 5 flames on one

Match with flames.

Without being gay.

Calvin: wait a minute.

Mom made you send back that

Chair, didn't she?

Curtis: [ crying ] Yeah.

Calvin: I knew it.

Curtis: I'm all right,

Though -- I'm all right.

So, how's your selfishuncleitis?

C.J.: it's clearing up.

Curtis: good.