Original subtitles

Ella: okay, I think curtis is

At the firehouse, so we need to

Plan this surprise party quick.

Claretha: girl, the caterer

Tried to get us to serve those

Little black eggs, and they cost

An arm and a leg.

I told him curtis wasn't worth

That.

C.J.: miss claretha, you mean

Caviar?

Claretha: yeah, that's it.

But I told him since it's just

For curtis, potted meat in a

Blanket would be just fine.

[ laughter ]

Ella: curtis!

[ laughs ]

Ohh, curtis!

Curtis, I thought you were at --

[ laughs ]

I thought you were at the

Firehouse.

Curtis: no, I just -- I just

Left my appointment at the

Salon.

Calvin: pop, what's up with

Your grille?

Curtis: I got them bleached.

I got my teeth --

They're too bright?

Claretha: yeah.

They brighter than c.J.

Ooh, step off.

You blinding me.

Ella: curtis...

[ laughs ]

What did you do to your hair?

Curtis: I dyed it.

Mandingo black.

You like?

Claretha: no.

You look like you 'bout to do a

Commercial for dark and ugly.

Curtis: [ grunts loudly ]

C.J.: I heard a rip!

[ laughs ]

Oh!

Ella: oh, lord!

C.J.: why you got on malik's

Pants?

[ laughs ]

Curtis: these are not malik's

Pants, you bunch of haters.

These are my throwbacks.

Calvin: well, throw them

Back.

[ laughs ]

Curtis: these are pants from

When I was a rookie.

Claretha: well, zip them up,

'cause I don't want to get a

Looky!

Curtis: why don't you go

Crawl back into your hole, huh?

I didn't even know it was

Groundhog day.

Did you see your shadow?

Is it springtime yet?

Ella: [ laughing ] I'm sorry,

Girl. That was funny.

Calvin: anyway, anyway, pops,

We just came by to wish you

Happy birthday, man.

Curtis: well, next time, send

An e-mail.

C.J.: you don't even have

E-mail.

Curtis: exactly.

You're dismissed.

Ella: wait, wait, wait.

Aren't you the one who should be

Leaving?

I mean, aren't you gonna be late

For work?

Curtis: why y'all rushing me?

You better not be planning a

Party, ella.

Claretha: oh, please.

Nobody's thinking about you,

Looking like a fat, black elvis.

[ laughs ]

C.J.: why every birthday do

You feel the need to change your

Look?

Curtis: I don't change it.

I refresh it.

Claretha: well, hit "Refresh"

Again.

Curtis: woman, don't you make

Me come over there.

Claretha: what's stopping

You?

Curtis: [ whimpers ]

These pants.

[ laughter ]

Bart: hurry up. He's coming.

Oh, he's coming kind of slow,

But he's coming.

[ laughs ]

Both: happy birthday!

[ both laugh ]

Keenan: no disrespect, chief,

But you look like a fat, black

Elvis.

Bart: [ laughs ]

Here, chief, chief, have a seat.

Look at what we got you.

Come on.

Curtis: I can't, bart.

Bart: why not?

Curtis: because my thighs are

Asleep.

Keenan: yeah, it looks your

Pants are taking your blood

Pressure.

Bart: and your shirt is

Taking your pulse.

Curtis: I'll take your pulse.

Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh.

Why is this chair so short?

Put the legs on the chair.

Bart: [ laughs ]

Whoa, whoa.

I got your back, chief.

Curtis: put your foot there,

Please.

Thank you.

Bart: go ahead.

See what we got.

Curtis: ooh! A cupcake!

Well, at least you got me some

Goodies. That's cool.

Mmm.

Keenan: yeah, it's a bran

Muffin.

Bart: [ laughs ]

Keenan: high in fiber, low in

Fat.

It'll keep you regular, which is

Important at your age.

No, no, no, I'm serious.

Bran is good for you.

It makes your colon happy,

Happy, happy!

Bart: go on.

Open the next one.

Open the next one.

Keenan: [ giggles ]

[ both laugh ]

Curtis: an adult diaper.

Bart: [ laughing ] Yes!

An adult diaper!

See -- see, it goes with the

Bran muffin!

Here's what happens.

It just goes in here -- plop.

Happy, happy, happy.

[ laughs ]

Curtis: okay, who -- who

Wants to be fired first?

Both: him.

Ella: all right.

Okay, you guys working on that.

I sure hope janine hurries and

Gets here with that cake.

C.J.: yeah, it's not like her

To be late.

Claretha: well, the last time

She was late, the two of you had

To hurry up and get married.

Oh, don't worry.

People couldn't tell janine was

Pregnant.

C.J.: people couldn't tell,

But you did.

Calvin: yeah, you told

Everybody.

Claretha: I only told

Sister eloise.

It's not my fault she's got a

Big mouth.

Janine: fender bender on

Peachtree. I'm sorry I'm late.

C.J.: that's all right, baby.

You just in time to give me some

Love.

Janine: hey, baby.

C.J.: hey.

Calvin: aww.

That's sweet.

First they kiss you.

Then they say, "I love you."

And then you find them in the

Back of a car with

Derrick greene.

Claretha: oh.

Calvin, did that cute

Cheerleader dump you?

Calvin: [ voice breaking ]

Why you got to be bringing her

Up?

Ain't nobody thinking 'bout her.

Ella: [ chuckles ]

Janine, where's the cake?

Janine: I knew I forgot

Something. I'll be right back.

Ella: no, that's okay.

Just give me the money back, and

I'll go get it myself.

Janine: miss ella, you didn't

Give me any money.

Ella: yes, I did.

Janine: no, ma'am,

You didn't.

Ella: okay, so, janine, I

Asked you to go get a cake, and

I didn't give you money to get

The cake?

Janine: I thought the exact

Same thing.

Ella: I'm having a senior

Moment.

C.J.: you know what?

Let me get back to the firehouse

Before uncle curtis gets

Suspicious.

Ella: okay.

C.J.: here, that should cover

The cake.

Calvin: whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold up. Was that $50?

Bro, for $50, I could get you a

Cake and a girl to jump out of

It.

[ pops lips ]

Ella: calvin...

Baby, go get the cake, but leave

The [pops lips] Somewhere else.

[ laughs ]

Bart: aaah!

Whoo!

Curtis: okay, who's next?

Who's next?!

C.J.: uncle curtis, nobody

Wants to arm-wrestle you

Anymore, okay?

Everybody already beat you, even

The mail lady.

Curtis: she don't count.

I think she's on steroids.

Bart: oh, face it, chief.

Even energy drinks and ginseng

Can't help you.

You need jesus.

C.J.: and a gym membership.

Keenan: and a firmer grip on

Reality.

Curtis: stop talking all that

Smack!

Who wants to pole race?

Keenan: oh, it's impossible

For us to beat you.

You got gravity on your side.

You're bigger, so you slide down

Faster than the rest of us.

Like chitlins on wax paper.

Bart's your only competition.

Bart: no, no. No way, chief.

I don't do that anymore.

I got pole burns.

Curtis: you guys are a bunch

Of losers. I'm going home.

C.J.: wait, wait, wait!

No, no!

No, you can't go.

Curtis: why?

C.J.: well, uh, there might

Be a fire.

Curtis: I live across the

Street. Just come and get me.

All: no, no, no!

C.J.: wait.

Old lady johnson called.

She said the cat is stuck in the

Tree again, and you know that

Cat will not come out the tree

For anybody but you.

Bart: you are the cat

Whisperer.

[ meowing ]

[ meowing stops ]

Curtis: okay.

Well, it's hard out here for a

Chief.

Okay. I'll go get the cat.

And I'll be right back.

Bart: [ meowing ]

[ meowing stops ]

[ meowing resumes, stops ]

Curtis: I'll be back.

Ella: here he come.

Here he come. Here he come.

Janine: go, go, go, go!

Ella: wait, don't rush me.

Okay, okay.

Shh!

All: surprise!

Jazmine: oh, it's just daddy.

C.J.: just my dad? What?

I thought I was your favorite

Dad in the whole world.

Jazmine: 'cause you're my

Only dad in the whole world.

Janine: hey, baby.

C.J.: hey.

Now that's a woman that knows

How to greet just me.

Ella: uh-oh, here he come.

[ indistinct shouting ]

The light! Get the light!

All: surprise!

Brown: get off of me!

For me?!

Oh, y'all shouldn't have!

I'd like to thank everybody that

Put this together, and --

I thought this party was for

Curtis.

C.J.: it is.

Brown: y'all better not do

That no more.

Y'all almost gave me a heart

Attack, and y'all was loud.

Calvin: not as loud as your

Clothes.

Ella: brown, come on in.

Close the door.

It's a surprise, get it?

Brown: I just came for the

Food anyway.

Y'all got any potted meat and

Cake? Can you get me some juice?

Ella: okay, malik, do you

Think you can be the lookout?

Malik: auntie ella, how hard

Could it be?

Ella: [ chuckles ]

Okay.

Thank you all for coming.

Oh, curtis is gonna be so

Surprised.

Curtis: what the hell?!

Ella: malik!

Malik: my bad.

Surprise.

[ noisemaker blows ]

Brown: I don't think he liked

His surprise.

Ella: curtis?

Curtis, why are you being so

Childish?

Curtis: I'm not.

And I'm rubber. You glue.

Whatever you say bounce off me,

Stick back on you.

Ella: why are you so upset

About celebrating this birthday?

Curtis: because my clothes

Don't fit, ella. Huh?

The only dances I know were

Buried with james brown.

Did they bury him yet?

And I got aches and pains in

Places I didn't even know was

Places.

Ella: curtis, so what if

You've put on a little weight?

When we got married, I was a 6.

Now I'm a 7.

Curtis: times 6.

Ella: listen, baby, you are a

Vibrant, handsome man with many,

Many years to live.

Curtis: say it again.

Ella: with many more years to

Live.

Curtis: not that part.

The handsome part.

Ella: child, you handsome,

Fine, sweet.

Just like wine, you getting

Better in time.

[ both laugh ]

Curtis: ella, you so crazy.

I like that, baby.

I like that.

Thank you so much.

You know what?

We don't need that party.

We don't even need that party.

We're gonna start our own party

Right here.

Ella: uh-oh. Wait a minute.

Well, now, okay, if you don't

Mind brown taking some of your

Gifts.

Curtis: oh, baby, you ain't

Got to worry about that.

Brown's one of my closest

Friends.

He would never do that.

Brown: ooh! This is nice.

Curtis, can I have this jacket?

Oh, did I interrupt something?

Were y'all talking?

Well, I'll just go back in and

Finish opening up the gifts.

I'll tell you what they got you.

Curtis: brown, please.

Do not mess with my stuff.

Brown: okay, good, 'cause

These silk boxers -- they too

Tight for me.

I-I like mine loose.

I'll take them off and give them

Back to you.

Curtis: don't worry about it.

You can keep them.

Ella: yeah.

[ up-tempo music plays ]

Unh-unh-unh-unh.

Wait. You spun me too fast.

Okay, pops.

Wait, I'm gonna give it to you.

I'm gonna give it to you.

I'm gonna give it to you back.

Ah, ah, ah! Back it out.

And pick it back up.

Baby, it looks like you got a

Lot down there.

[ both laugh ]

Are you happy now?

[ music stops ]

Curtis: no. I'm not.

Calvin: pops, what more can

You possibly want?

Curtis: besides you

Graduating and moving far, far

Away?

Being alone with my baby.

I guess I am having a good time.

This is fun, baby. This is fun.

I changed my mind.

I'm gonna celebrate my birthday

For the rest of the month, so

You surprise me tomorrow --

Same place, same time.

Different gifts.

And make sure I check the guest

List.

Jazmine: [ laughs ]

Curtis: hey, hey, hey, hey!

You kids stop running in my

House. Hey! Did y'all hear me?

I said stop running here.

Come over here.

Come here.

As a matter of fact, you two can

Go back in the room and watch

Tv.

Malik: do we have to?

We'll be quiet.

Jazmine: yeah, we promise.

Curtis: "Yeah, we promise."

Get back in the room.

C.J.: hey, hey, uncle curtis.

You ain't got to be so harsh.

Calvin: yeah, pops.

Curtis: everybody that live

Here, raise your hand.

Hold it up high.

Just like I thought -- my house,

My party.

And if you two don't like it,

You can go back to the back room

With the kids and watch tv.

C.J.: you heard your uncle.

Calvin: go in the room and

Watch tv.

Jazmine: mmm-aah!

Curtis: [ muttering ]

Ella: curtis, curtis, curtis.

Claretha: curtis, why you got

To be so mean?

Curtis: I'm not mean.

I think my disposition is quite

Sunny.

Brown: you right, curtis.

You look like a big ray of

Sunlight.

Look, shine on me.

Let me have one of these

Watches, please?

Curtis: no, that's the

Reflection of your shirt.

Get off my watch.

Brown: let me have one.

Janine: c.J., I'm gonna run

To the store and get the kids

Some snacks, okay?

C.J.: there's plenty of food.

Janine: since they have to

Stay in the room and suffer, the

Least I can do is get them some

Of their favorites.

[ cell phone ringing ]

C.J.: all right, hurry back.

Janine: I won't be long.

Claretha: fellas, there's a

Four-alarm fire in college park.

Curtis: claretha, sit down.

You don't know what you talking

About.

[ pager beeps ]

C.J.: there's a four-alarm

Fire in college park.

Engine 32 needs backup.

Let's go.

Brown: my beeper must have

Broke.

I'm gonna go with y'all.

I'm gonna help them put out this

Fire.

You ain't got to be so rough!

They didn't want me to help them

With this one.

They said I could help them with

The next one...

When it's a half-alarm fire.

Ella: okay, well, first one

To come, last one to leave.

Brown: you know, that's what

The bible say.

"The last shall be first, and

The first shall be last."

Ella: so anytime you get

Ready to go home, you can just

Go.

Brown: no, no. I'm okay.

I'm all right. Yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna stay. Y'all want me

To spend the night?

Ella: no, no, no.

Brown: you know, they putting

Out that fire.

I don't want nothing to happen

To y'all.

Ella: no, it's okay.

Brown: you sure?

I can just make me a pallet

Right here.

Ella: brown, get them shoes

Off my couch.

Brown: if you want me to

Stay, just let me know.

Ella: no, go on home, brown.

Brown: bring me some punch,

Please?

You was a pretty bride.

What's that thing on the dress?

Janine: my -- my train.

Brown: yes, yours was

Beautiful, and you had the nerve

To have on white.

Janine: yes -- what?

Brown: they told me you

Weren't supposed to wear white.

They said you should have had on

Beige...Or dark brown.

Janine: who said -- what?

Brown: I didn't know they

Made maternity dresses in

Wedding dresses.

You know, I couldn't even really

Notice that you was pregnant at

The wedding till claretha said

Something.

Ella: brown.

Good night.

Brown: I'm fine.

Just get me some punch.

It'll help me keep my energy up.

Ella: brown! Go home!

Brown: oh, when the lord call

Me, I go.

I ain't ready to go.

I'm not ready to die.

Ella: oh, god! Thank you.

Oh! Hey, guys, we were worried.

Janine: yeah, I got back from

The store.

Miss ella told me another

Firehouse had called y'all in.

What's going on? Y'all okay?

Ella: curtis? Say something.

Brown: curtis? Curtis?

Maybe he can't hear.

Maybe he got smoke damage.

You know, you can --

Curtis, can you hear me?!

I'm gonna have to lay hands on

Him.

Come out of there, smoke demon!

Unplug his -- unplug his ears!

Come out of there!

Oh, yes!

Curtis: brown!

Get off of me.

Ain't nothing wrong with my

Ears.

Brown: see? He healed.

You know, I'm gonna do everybody

So I can get all the stuff out.

You need me to do you?

I'm gonna go get some cake.

Ella: curtis, are you gonna

Tell us what happened?

Janine: you're starting to

Scare us.

Why did they call y'all in on

Your day off?

Curtis: because --

C.J.: because it was our

House.

Brown: oh, no! No!

Well, before y'all start crying,

Let me get some cake and go.

You mind if I take the cake with

Me?

I know y'all probably ain't in

No mood for celebrations.

Hello? Ella?

Guess that means "A little bit."

Okay, I'll just get a slice, and

Then I'll be on my way.

You know what?

Ella, y'all got any aluminum

Foil?

Well, I'll just eat it on the

Way to the car.

Uh, y'all ain't got no plastic

Or nothing?

Well, curtis, thank you for the

Jacket and the watch and the mp3

Player.

You know what? Before I go...

Can I borrow a loaf of bread and

Some lunch meat and some, uh,

Mayonnaise and some tomatoes and

Cheese and lettuce?

I want to make a sandwich.

I guess I'll stop by the store.

Okay. God bless y'all.

Curtis: we have rules in my

House, in my castle where I

Dwell.

Rule number one -- the kids...

Must...Stay...Out...Of...My...

Way!

24-7!

365 days -- oh, yeah, you won't

Even be here that long.

But as long as they're here,

They stay out the way.

Got that, little ones?

Rules number two through five --

Nobody...

And I mean nobody...

Can touch my train set!

As a matter of fact, you've

Never seen a train.

It does not exist.

There's no such thing as a

Train, nor tracks.

You've never heard of them.

Ella: [ laughs ]

Curtis: ella...

Puh-lease.

Rule number 7, 8, 9, 10, "L,"

"M," "N," "O," "P" -- nobody

Raise their hand while I'm

Talking!

We have curfew in this house...

9:00.

9:00, lights are out!

No one is creeping.

No one is walking, getting

Water, or eating.

You are tucked in snug in your

Beds!

Kids, in your smelly room, at

9--

It's 9:01.

Silly me.

Lights out!

Jazmine: this is going to be

Hard.