Original subtitles

Malik: [ coughing ]

Mom, I think I'm sick.

Janine: well... Well, malik,

You don't feel warm.

I don't think you have a fever.

Malik: come close

To the stove.

Janine: what?

Malik: am I hot now?

Janine: malik...

C.J.: boy, you're not sick.

Stop trying to get out of going

To school tomorrow.

Curtis: oh, god, it's sunday

Already?

Your kids come here

Every day after school.

You come here every sunday with

Your family to eat up my food.

Why do you have a house, c.J.?

C.J.: nice to see you, too,

Uncle curtis.

Ella: if you had gone to

Church, then you would know

It's sunday.

Curtis: I'm going

Next sunday.

C.J.: you said that

Last sunday.

Janine: and the sunday

Before that.

Jazmine: and the sunday

Before that.

Curtis: hey, little girl,

Grown-folk business.

Where's my dark meat?

C.J., how many times I got to

Tell you leave the dark meat...

For the dark people?

And this ain't enough greens

To feed a flea.

Malik: sorry, I tried to save

You some, but you know I love

Aunt ella's greens.

Ella: thank you, baby.

Curtis: that's it!

That's it!

There's too many people

In this house.

Everybody in favor of canceling

Sunday dinner, raise your hand.

Hold it up high so I can see it.

Don't be shy, hold it up high.

Then that's it, it's settled.

No more sunday dinners.

Jazmine: but you're the only

One who raised your hand.

Curtis: I'm the only one who

Pays the bills, baby.

You got a job?

Janine: actually, I'm not

Feeling well, so --

Curtis: good, give me

Your plate.

Where's your biscuit?

Ella: do you want me to get

You anything, baby?

Curtis: hey, tell her you

Want a biscuit.

Ella: I'm talking to janine.

There ain't no more biscuits.

Janine: no thanks, miss ella.

Look, c.J., I'm going to go

Lay down until you're

Ready to go home.

C.J.: okay, baby.

Love you much.

Janine: I love you more.

C.J.: all right.

Curtis: that's disgusting.

Janine: don't hate.

Jazmine: cousin calvin!

Calvin: hey, little bit.

What's up, c.J.?

C.J.: what's good?

Calvin: what up, big dog?

Hey, mom.

Ella: hey, baby.

Calvin: hey, pop.

Curtis: don't touch me.

I don't know where your hands

Been.

Calvin: no biscuits?

Ella: right here.

Curtis: what the hell?!

Calvin: good looking out, ma.

Ella: ha! Curtis!

Calvin: why you always

Playin'?

C.J.: uncle curtis!

Does aunt ella know you're

Eating that stuff?

Don't you care about your

Cholesterol?

Curtis: what, you talking

About my monster burger with my

Chili cheese fries and my

Chocolate shake?

Nope.

C.J.: [ sighs ]

But look at it, man.

I mean, that's just all greasy

And fattening.

Curtis: and thick, juicy --

Just like I like it.

You see your aunt ella?

C.J.: man, all I'm saying is,

It ain't gonna help you with

Your slim and trim figure.

Curtis: well, figure this.

You worry about your figure,

And I'll worry about mine.

Bart: chief, I can help you

Lower your cholesterol.

Why don't you give me half?

Curtis: hey, bart, why don't

You have half of a "Shut up"?

Bart: that's cool, chief.

Just trying to help you with

Those future clogged arteries.

It's cool. It's cool.

Curtis: shut up!

Calvin: I'm telling you, in

A fight, an anaconda will win

Every time.

Bart: are you guys still

On this?

I mean, it's been three days.

An anaconda cannot beat a

Panther!

Anacondas don't even have legs!

Calvin: it doesn't needlegs.

It could just swallow

That kitty.

[ yowls ]

Curtis: what the hell are

Y'all talking about?

Bart: c.J. And calvin think

An anaconda can beat a panther

In a fight.

C.J.: that's right.

I mean, come on.

An anaconda will wrap itself

Around a panther and just

Squeeze it to death!

What you think, keenan?

Keenan: honestly, the whole

Conversation is utterly

Ridiculous.

But if I had to vote, I'd say a

Kangaroo could beat a panther.

All: a kangaroo?!

Keenan: have you ever seen a

Kangaroo box?

Bart: you know, nobody asked

Me what I think.

C.J.: okay.

What animal do you think could

Beat a panther?

Bart: an aardvark.

[ snorting ]

Calvin: thatis why we

Didn't ask you.

Curtis: oh, look.

I see an animal.

It's a bird.

It's a plane.

It's your jobs.

Now get back to work.

Ain't nobody paying y'all to

Be sitting up here talking

About no doggone aardvark.

I don't even know what an

Aardvark is.

Calvin: you don't pay me

At all.

You make me volunteer.

Curtis: I don't have to

Pay you.

I carried you for nine months.

Calvin: pops, how did you

Carry me for nine months?

Curtis: 'cause it was nine

Months till I saved up enough

To buy your first stroller.

Now get to work!

Jazmine: [ giggling ]

Ella: okay, what's going on?

Jazmine: malik thinks

Somebody's chasing him.

Ella: who's chasing you?

Malik?

Malik: huh?!

Ella: boy, what's wrong

With you?

Malik: aah!

Janine: malik!

Jazmine: you are ridiculous.

Janine: boy, are you okay?

Jazmine: malik thinks he has

A stalker.

Janine: a st-- wait a minute,

Jazi, what do you know about

A stalker?

Jazmine: cable.

Hello?

Janine: malik.

What's going on?

Calvin: hey, ma.

Ella: hey.

Calvin: a little light

On the starch this time.

Ella: "Little light on the

Starch"?

What do you think this is,

Fluff & fold?

Calvin: all right, my bad.

No starch.

Janine: malik.

What's going on?

Calvin: oh, did I interrupt

Something?

Jazmine: malik thinks some

Psycho's after him.

Ella: okay, jazi, what do

You know about a psycho?

Jazmine: the internet.

Old people.

Calvin: man, I'll bet

It was pookie.

You know last week he got high,

Stole some manhole covers, and

Tried to sell them as rims?

Curtis: [ laughs ]

Why are all these people

In my house?

Jazmine: malik thinks a

Serial killer is hunting him

Down.

C.J.: jazmine, what do you

Know about a serial killer?

Both: don't ask.

Ella: malik, listen, we can't

Help you if you don't tell us

What happened.

Malik: nothing happened.

Curtis: [ muttering angrily ]

Malik: okay, somebody at

School has been taking my lunch

And I haven't eaten lunch in a

Week, and I'm losing weight.

Jazmine: aunt ella, you've

Been trying to lose weight.

Maybe somebody should take your

Lunch money.

Did I say that out loud?

My bad.

C.J.: malik, is that why you

Didn't want to go to school

Today, son?

Curtis: somebody's been

Taking your lunch money?

The reason you wake up

Every day?!

Do you know I tried to take your

Bottle when you was 2 years old?

You put me in a headlock.

I had to carry you around for

Two days and tell people you

Was an african necklace.

[ laughs ]

This guy must be huge!

C.J.: well, son, why didn't

You just say something?

Curtis: 'cause he takes

After you.

Tomorrow when you go to school,

You gonna man up, you hear me?

You gonna man up!

Or I'm gonna whup you myself.

C.J.: whoa, uncle c.

We don't believe in whupping

Our kids.

Curtis: what you talking

About? The bible said, "Get

The rod and whup the child."

Baby, "Deuteronoma"?

Ella: curtis, the bible don't

Say that.

Move, hon.

C.J., look, when your parents

Were alive, they whipped you,

And you turned out all right,

So...

Curtis: yeah, except for that

Nervous twitch he developed.

And then I whupped him and

Knocked it right out.

Janine: c.J., as soon as we

Get home, I will call the school

And set up a meeting for

Tomorrow morning.

Curtis: why wait?

Go home now.

Janine: what?

Curtis: that's a good idea.

Take your family,

Check 'em out.

Janine: c.J., don't just --

Whoa!

Curtis: take your

Family to your house.

Calvin: all right,

Y'all be breezy.

Curtis: bye.

Love you...

When you gone.

Whew!

Excuse me!

You need to get your butt back

To your place that I pay for

Every month, even though you

Always here.

Calvin: oh, pop, you know

You love it when I'm here.

Curtis: look at my face.

Do I look like I love it?

Calvin: actually, you look

A little constipated.

Curtis: get out!

Curtis: get out! Love you!

Love you!

C.J.: uncle curtis.

I don't think you can go to

Work dressed like that.

Curtis: you right.

That's why I gave myself

The day off.

Your aunt ella and claretha went

Down to the help center to

Volunteer.

So I'm staying home today,

Reading my newspaper, clipping

My toenails.

C.J.: ew.

Listen, I got a call from

Malik's school, and janine

Missed the meeting.

So I need to go down there and

Take care of everything.

Can I have the day off?

Curtis: no.

You have to be there if I'm not

There, c.J., you next in line.

C.J.: well, can you go down

To the school for me then?

Curtis: only if I can clip my

Toenails there.

C.J.: will you be serious?

Come on, unc.

I'm your brother's only son...

Your latebrother.

This is for your great-nephew.

Curtis: c.J., let me let you

In on something.

I've never liked you.

I don't like your son.

Hell, I never liked my brother.

Sorry you had to hear it

Like that.

C.J.: just go to the school

For me, please.

Curtis: I'm not going

To no school!

C.J.: thank you.

Curtis: thank you

For nothing!

For nothing! [ door closes ]

[ door closes ]

Yeah, I'm looking for

Mrs. Clark.

Mrs. Clark: that's me.

You must be mr. Payne.

Curtis: oh, yes, ma'am,

Yes, ma'am.

I'm malik's uncle.

His parents couldn't

Make it today.

Mrs. Clark: well, I'm glad

You could come. Have a seat.

Curtis: thank you so much.

Mrs. Clark: we'll start

The meeting shortly.

Curtis: all right.

Hey, little girl.

That bully been messing

With you, too?

Nikki: I ain't no little

Girl...Old man.

Curtis: what the hell?

Mrs. Clark: mr. Payne,

This is nikki.

She's the one who's been taking

Malik's lunch money.

Curtis: let me tell you

Something, fathead, you don't

Let no girly girl girl take

Your lunch money, I don't care

How big she is!

Aah!

Mable: hellur!

Mable: hellur! [ laughs ]

[ laughs ]

Mrs. Clark: mr. Payne, this

Is mable simmons.

She's nikki's foster mother.

Mable: stand up when a lady

Enters the room here.

Hellur, how are you doing?

Curtis: that explains a lot.

Mable: the hell you trying

To say? Was that an insult?

You trying to insult me?

He don't know who the hell

He talking to.

Is he trying to insult me?

Nikki: mm-hmm.

Mable: that's what I thought.

He was trying to insult me.

Sit down.

Hell, I'm in the room now.

Curtis: look, don't you

Do nothing. Stand up!

Mable: sit down!

Curtis: I said stand up!

Mable: and I said

Sit the hell down!

Curtis: nobody scared of you!

'cept maybe a razor and some

Shaving cream.

Mable: I wish your daddy

Would have been scared of me,

Then you wouldn't be standing --

Mrs. Clark: please!

Couldn't we set a good example

For the kids?

Mable: oh, sure, sure.

Thank you.

Mrs. Clark: have a seat.

Mable: oh, thank you.

We'll set a good example

For the children.

Cross your legs!

Sit like a lady!

You know I done taught you

Better than that.

You have to cross your legs.

Curtis: look, I'm gonna do

This for the kids.

'cause it's about to get ugly

Up in here.

Mable: it was ugly when you

Dragged that belly up in here.

Keep it up and I'm gonna slice

It straight across the middle.

You gonna bleed chocolate

Milk all over this floor.

Got milk?

Curtis: no, but I see you got

Two tons of it.

Mrs. Clark: malik and nikki,

Would you please wait

In the hall?

Mable: yeah, wait in

The hallway, honey, wait

In the hallway.

I'm gonna get this straight.

This is grown-folk business,

Baby, close the door.

Nikki: [ muttering ]

Mable: did she just slam --

I know she didn't just slam --

Mrs. Clark: under normal

Circumstances --

Mable: I'm sorry,

Let me calm down, 'cause

I know y'all call child welfare

On people, but she knows she

Don't walk out of my house

And slam no door.

I'll see to it when I get home.

Excuse me?

Mrs. Clark: under normal

Circumstances, we would

Suspend nikki.

Mable: you ain't fittin' to

Suspend my child.

You ain't fittin' to suspend

My child.

She ain't done nothing.

If you gonna suspend somebody,

Suspend that boy.

He don't even know how to

Stand up when a lady

Enters the room.

So look at him.

See where it comes from?

Mrs. Clark: but I have

A plan.

Mable: oh, she has a plan.

Okay, what is your plan?

Mrs. Clark: you do know, of

Course, that nikki has been

Taking malik's lunch money.

Mable: oh, really? I didn't.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know

That she was taking -- I really

Did not know, I'm sorry.

I did not know that.

I was wondering where she was

Getting them $20 from.

I've been using them at the

Casino, though.

I take 'em from her.

She took 'em from --

Robbing peter to pay paul,

You know?

Mrs. Clark: all right now.

Let us all focus.

Mable: yes, I'm focused.

I got two good eyes, unlike him.

Mrs. Clark: now --

Mable: one goes this way --

Mrs. Clark: nikki is having

Some difficulty in history.

Mable: yes, she is.

Mrs. Clark: and malik is

Having somedifficulty in

Home ec.

Mable: [ laughs ]

Did you say "Home economics"?

As in basket weaving and

Cooking and frying and baking

And making flower arrangements?

No wonder she's been taking

His lunch money.

[ giggling ]

Don't boys take wood shop or

Something?

Curtis: he would have.

He don't like getting

His hands dirty.

Mrs. Clark: well, we were

Thinking that if they tutored

Each other, then maybe they'd

Learn to get along together.

Mable: yes, they tutor

Each other.

Curtis: that's good for me.

Mrs. Clark: all right.

Curtis: so, what we gonna do

About the $20 she took?

Mrs. Clark: now that is

Between you and miss simmons.

Mable: you know what,

You're right.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I got your $20.

I got it right here.

Come get it.

Right here.

Curtis: that $20 is lost

Curtis: that $20 is lost Forever.

Forever.

Jazmine: malik's bully is

A girl!

And he has to tutor her in

History, and she has to tutor

Him in home economics.

They'll be here later, but I

Don't think it's gonna work.

Malik: shut up.

Ugh.

Jazmine: and cousin calvin,

Uncle curtis is scared of the

Girl's mother.

It's just sad.

Curtis: would you shut up?

Ain't nobody scared of her.

Aah!

Janine: hi, everybody.

Jazmine: hi, mom.

Ella: okay, janine,

Where you been?

Janine: the mall, why?

Curtis: for you to be a

Stay-at-home mom, you sure never

Stay at home.

Ella: because you missed

Malik's conference.

Janine: oh, my goodness.

I completely forgot.

It totally slipped my mind.

What happened?

Calvin: basically, malik's

Bully is a girl, he has to tutor

Her, she has to tutor him,

And pops is scared of the

Girl's mama.

Did I get it right, little bit?

Jazmine: yeah.

Curtis: hold on.

Ain't nobody scared of her

Mother.

And it's not her mother.

It's her fostermother.

C.J.: hey, everybody.

Janine: hey, baby.

C.J.: hey, where you been?

I've been calling you.

Janine: really?

Oh, my ringer was off.

I'm sorry, baby.

But look, if it makes you feel

Any better, I bought something I

Can't wait to show you.

C.J.: I don't see no bags.

Janine: they're in the car.

C.J.: is it red?

Janine: mm-hmm.

C.J.: is it see-through?

Janine: mm-hmm.

C.J.: well, maybe I ain't

That mad.

Calvin: man, don't be

So easy.

C.J.: what?

Bitter one with no girl?

Be quiet! Shup! Shup! Shup!

Hey, uncle c., I appreciate you

Going to that school for me,

Man, thanks.

Curtis: yeah, whatever.

Yeah, yeah. Get out.

C.J.: we just got here.

Curtis: then just leave.

Ella: [ laughing ]

Curtis: what you laughing

For, ella?

You got to get out, too.

You got to get out, too. Ella: [ laughs louder ]

Ella: [ laughs louder ]

Ella: [ laughs louder ] [ doorbell rings ]

[ doorbell rings ]

Mable: hellur.

Curtis: hellur.

Nikki: what it do?

Mable: what did you just say?

Nikki: "What it do?"

Mable: you don't --

[ sighs ]

It is so hard trying to raise

A teenager when you're as old

As I, hon.

Don't make me take these

Earrings off, please.

You don't use that kind of

"Languor."

I told you about that.

You don't use that kind of

"Languor."

You have to speak proper

Like I do.

When you meet somebody, come to

Their house, you say, "Hellur.

How are you doin'?"

Say it.

Nikki: hellur.

How are you doin'?

How are you doin'? Mable: wonderful. Wonderful.

Mable: wonderful. Wonderful.

Curtis: malik!

Malik!

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Mable: mm-hmm.

Mable: mm-hmm.

Curtis: what did I tell you

About being scared of a girl?

Now, you ain't gonna be scared

Of no girl, you hear me?

Now, drop your shoulder.

Now, drop your shoulder. Now, get your pimp walk on.

Now, get your pimp walk on.

Mable: what the hell wrong

With them? They got neck spasm?

Nikki: [ laughs ]

Curtis: malik, take nikki in

The kitchen, get her something

To drink, and you can do

Your homework.

Mable: go on.

Mable: go on. Nikki: hurry up!

Nikki: hurry up!

Mable: that's something.

[ both laugh ]

Ah-ha-ha!

Don't put your hands on me.

Push me out the door.

I ain't going nowhere.

Curtis: you just caught me

Off guard.

Mable: it's a nice house.

Y'all must have did that no

Financing for four years when

You buy furniture.

This is nice furniture.

I like this furniture.

Curtis: you know, I can call

You when they get through.

Mable: you crazy as hell if

You think I'm gonna leave that

Child up in here with you.

I don't know you.

I don't know you.

You might be osama mama or

Somebody.

I don't know -- osama daddy.

I don't know you.

Ella: okay, wait a minute.

What is all this noise --

Mable: shh! Be quiet!

He gonna give the results.

I knew he was the daddy.

I knew it. I knew it.

She was testing 22 men, and

That's the one right there.

[ laughs ]

I was trying to see that.

Ella: ohh! Miss simmons!

Mable: hellur.

Ella: hi, I'm ella payne.

I'm malik's aunt.

Mable: hellur, ella payne.

Ella: hello.

Mable: how are you?

Ella: I'm good.

Listen, would you care for

Anything?

Mable: oh, that is so lovely

Of you.

No, I'm fine.

But I believe I can get you

Something.

Ella: what?

Mable: I got a recipe for

Sweet potato pie.

Ella: sweet potato pie.

Mable: yes, yes.

But only feed it to him.

Feed it to him every three

Hours, get you a good insurance

Policy, you'll live happily ever

After.

Ella: oh, oh.

[ laughs ]

No, no, no, no, no.

Well, you know what?

He's been pretty good today, but

Leave your number just in case.

Mable: okay, I'll leave it

Just in case.

Malik: uncle curtis, can you

Help us?

Nikki: yeah, we stuck.

Name two great kings.

Mable: oh, I got that.

I got that. I got it.

I can answer.

Two great kings for 200.

Okay, the first great king is

Smo-king, and the second one is

Drink-king.

Smo-king and drink-king.

Right that down on the paper.

Curtis: that's why she's

Flunking history.

Ella: okay, look, I'm gonna

Go and help the kids in the

Kitchen.

Mable: okay.

Ella: come on.

Right this way.

Oh, she's so pretty.

Calvin: hey, hey.

I'm trying to take a nap.

It sound like king kong up in

Here break-dancing.

Oh, we have company.

Curtis: no, you don't have

Company.

You don't live here!

Mable: lord have mercy.

He's just grouchy. Hellur.

Calvin: hello.

Mable: how you doin'?

Calvin: good.

Mable: I'm mable.

What's your name?

Calvin: calvin.

Mable: calvin, hellur.

Calvin: hello.

Mable: hey, that your daddy?

Calvin: yeah.

Mable: I'm sorry.

Look like you're about to have a

Good brother or sister, though.

Look, he look like he's about

Four centimeters dilated.

I think -- I think they'll have

To give him a "Cisvaria"

Section, 'cause he don't look

Like he can push.

You can laugh if you want to.

Don't let him scare you.

Calvin: [ laughs ]

Curtis: stop laughing.

Mable: sitting there shaped

Like a question mark.

"Tell me what you think about

This question."

[ laughs ]

So funny.

Good, I knew it. I knew it.

I always get a good one in

There.

There. What you want to watch?

What you want to watch?

Mable: hellur.

Curtis: goodbye.

Mable: no, come on. Come on.

Hell, I came with a peace

Offering.

The bible say, "Be ye gentlest,

Kindest to all the people-est."

So, I brought you a...

A sweet potato pie.

Only for you.

I made it with my own two hands.

Don't feed it to nobody else

But you.

Make sure you eat it every

Three -- is that your wife?

Three -- is that your wife? She's so pretty.

She's so pretty.

Curtis: thank you.

That's nice of you. Thank you.

Mable: you're quite

Wonderful -- enjoy.

Curtis: thank you.

Mable: okay, you're welcome.

Basket.

Ella: curtis,

Throw that out.

Curtis: but I want it.

Ella: okay.