Original subtitles

Best funeral ever.

Are you going to random funerals again?

No. It wasn't random.

My boss passed away, and they gave me her job.

So now I'm off the cafeteria line, work ends at three,

and I'll get more time at home with Ben.

Mmm. When's he getting back anyway?

Uh, tomorrow.

And it sucks 'cause I'm wearing my date night clothes

and I would love to go celebrate with him, but...

Hey. Uh, I just got a promotion.

How about going out for a celebratory milkshake?

Sounds neat.

Why don't Jughead and I just ride our bikes down to the malt shop and meet you?

I can't. I have to go to work.

At eight o'clock at night? This must be a really intense job you got.

Uh, yeah.

Well, you know, you don't get to write code for a Fortune 500 company

unless you're, you know, pretty dedicated.

Hey, Da... Dan! Get in here. The whole family's gotta be here to hear this.

Okay, so. Um, I was bored outta my skull today.

And I took a bunch of brownies

down to the police station just to say hi to the guys.

Oh, Jackie, you don't need to give people treats to be your friend.

Use cash. Give yourself a fighting chance.

Anyway, sarge's brother just got out of rehab for opioids

and he mentioned the court ruling where you can sue the drug manufacturers now.

Course, he's still in trouble because he drove through a fried chicken joint

and they don't have a drive-through.

The point is, we can sue for Roseanne now.

Dan, isn't that amazing news?

Oh, my God. Wait, if we win, we could finally have a safety net.

This family has always been one financial tragedy away from disaster.

We could be like a two-tragedy family.

We won't. [sighs]

We'll lose because they've got big, fancy lawyers.

All we can afford is the guy who got me a hundred bucks

because I found a Band-Aid in a bag of chips.

Did you even look for the finger?

We could all be driving Toyotas right now.

I can get us a Toyota, baby.

Oh, don't you dare kiss for a Toyota.

Anyway, it doesn't matter how much we can afford.

Lawyers on these cases, they'll work for contingencies.

It's not worth all the hassle.

And no amount of money is gonna bring your sister back or your mom.

I don't even know why the hell we're talking about this.

[groans] Guys, your dad does not wanna do this. I wouldn't push him.

Well, sometimes you have to!

He didn't wanna watch Bridgerton either. But I pushed him.

And now he sits on the couch with me and Neville

and he sleeps right in front of it.

I made that happen.

Thanks for coming over to explain this stuff to me.

I saw all these fees in my checking account

and I feel like I'm getting ripped off.

You probably don't have enough in there to cover the maintenance cost.

I had that same problem before I married well.

[laughs]

Oh! Holy, cats. You've got plenty of money.

Darlene, your kid's loaded.

And I'm not talking about the kinda loaded you and I were when we were his age.

Wow. Don't ever quit that job.

I've never seen anyone make that kind of money at 19.

Well, uh, my brain's not fried from being a child alcoholic like you two.

Um, he's an entry-level guy with no degree making that kind of money?

Ah, you know, he's in computer world.

Algorithms. Zuckerberg. Bitcoin. AI.

You're just stringing together words that you don't understand.

Humiliated. Ashamed. Don't care.

- Hey. [chuckles] - Hey.

- Oh, my God. - [Ben sighs]

The dog on your face ran off.

[chuckles] Yes, it's true. I shaved.

You look like a giant toddler.

- [sighs] - Hey, I think he looks amazing.

- Oh, I missed you so much. - I missed you.

Okay, I gotta get... I'm gonna get out of here.

It's a very intimate moment

when a mother and child are reunited. [laughs]

[laughs]

Hey, while you were moving the magazine to Lanford, I made you a little office.

Hey, that's really sweet, okay.

But I actually ended up renting a little storefront next to Starbucks.

What? Wa... I thought you were gonna work from home.

I was. But when I was at the offices in Omaha, it felt productive, you know?

It felt like a real career. Like, uh, it just made me feel good about myself.

Well, I can make you feel good about yourself.

- Look at you, boss guy, doing your thang. - [laughs]

Yes, that filled my tank right up.

Look, honey. You know, it's gonna be a few months of 14, 15-hour days

while we're getting this thing up and running.

But after that, we're going to have plenty of time together.

And I'm sorry, babe, but I gotta go to the storefront, start getting my space ready.

Aw. I just used Groupon to get my space ready, but... [grunts]

- I guess it can wait until you get back. - [gasps]

I heard a guy talking. Is Tyler here?

Mmm, no. It was Ben.

[sighs] Thank God.

Last night he made me a whole "Tour of Italy" dinner.

I was so full of Rome, I didn't have any room left for Sicily.

So tonight I have to do a whole France thing for him.

You guys are really going crazy with all that lovey-dovey crap since he moved in.

Don't you have to work on your thesis?

Yes. But I don't know how to reciprocate all the nice things he does for me

and finish my master's at the same time.

I guess that's why academics are lonely and people in love are stupid.

Well, I'm sure he'd understand if you just needed some time for schoolwork.

No. We're still in that romantic bubble phase.

And I'm not gonna be the first one to pop that.

Where is Ben?

Oh, well, he rented a storefront for the magazine and he left to go set it up.

Wow. So he just got back from Omaha and he's already gone?

I think you're the one who needs to make a romantic gesture.

Well, he's been home for five minutes, and I'm already in gesture territory?

I mean, I thought him getting home and seeing me would be enough.

As someone who sees you, I can tell you it's not.

You need to make an effort.

Maybe brush your hair or try women's underwear.

I... I get whatever they have at the supermarket.

Your complaint is with them.

- Hey, honey? - Yeah?

You haven't said anything about this whole Roseanne lawsuit thing.

I know you have an opinion.

Yes. My opinion is you don't wanna talk about it.

You're right, absolutely right. I don't wanna talk about it.

And here's why.

To be able to continue my life after she died,

I had to find a way to put all that pain in a box

and then put it away in the back of my head.

First, I tried imagining that she was still alive but somewhere else.

Mmm. You mean like alive in heaven?

No. Just some place where I'd never see her,

but I could pretend she was still there.

Like North Dakota.

Mmm. That is so sad.

That didn't work, so I went back out to the grave and just stared at her name.

I stared until it finally sunk into me

that she was under all that earth and she wasn't coming back.

And I grieved.

And that became my whole life until I met you. Again.

Took you long enough to get around to that.

[laughs]

Look, I know everybody wants me to sue because there's a possibility of money.

But what happens if I dig all this stuff up and... [imitates bomb] ...nothing.

Dan, you have moved mountains for this family.

You have a right not to move this one.

[groans] Maybe I didn't explain myself well.

Yes, I don't wanna do it, but I feel guilty.

So what I need you to do is let me rant and rave about it and then make me do it.

So you want this to be my decision? Uh-uh. No way.

Oh, damn it, woman. You're my wife.

Your sole purpose is to make me do things I don't wanna do.

Yes, and I have. And I enjoy it.

Look, honey, uh, this is between you and your family

and what you feel you can handle.

I love you, but I cannot make this decision for you.

- [grunts] - [Becky] Dad, are you here?

You said you changed the locks for my birthday.

Oh, honey, changing the locks isn't going to help.

They're in the walls like roaches.

[in low voice] You rang?

[sighs] Do you mind if I sit out here and work on my homework?

I can't get anything done at my place.

What's the problem? People dropping in unannounced?

No. I've gotta finish my thesis or I'm not gonna get my master's.

I have worked so long and I am so close to graduating,

but Tyler just moved in and he's trying so hard to make me happy

that I have to try at least that hard back, and it's killing me.

So tell him to ease up.

He's too sensitive.

Look, a new relationship is like a new car.

The first dent is always gonna feel horrible and then you relax

because the tension of getting that fist dent is over.

Now, go home.

Oh. No, please don't make me go back there and be loved.

I wasn't raised that way.

Go.

Fine. I'll be honest with him.

Another thing I wasn't raised with.

Oh, hey. Hey. Hi.

Don't know if you remember me, Jackie Harris.

I, uh, stopped by the station the other day with the brownies.

Okay.

So, I don't know if you know this, but I used to be a cop.

Anyway, I haven't said anything to the family yet,

but it had gotten me to thinking.

Wouldn't it be crazy if I rejoined the force?

That'd be pretty crazy and very funny.

Yeah, but why crazy?

I mean, the force is re-hiring former cops 'cause of the shortage and all, you know?

And I read the policy. There's no age limit.

You don't need policy to tell old people they shouldn't go on the big water slide.

Really? You know, I'm in better shape now than I've ever been.

I can take you right now. You wanna go, huh?

You wanna go right now? Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

[clears throat]

God. See? Whoa. I let myself get weak.

[chuckles] That's another reason for me to do this.

Look, you wanna be a cop, be a cop.

They're always looking for people for desk jobs.

No. No, no, no. I wanna be out in the field.

You mean wandering around in it?

'Cause you're so old you've forgotten where you are?

You know, your ageism is gonna be my inspiration.

The department needs fresh blood.

Unless you're getting a transfusion, you're gonna have trouble providing that.

When I pass this physical,

I'm gonna ask to be partnered with you, and I'm gonna talk. A lot.

Old people talk. I'm gonna talk about the weather.

I'm gonna talk about the weather in other states.

I'm gonna read every sign that we pass.

It's gonna be like Lethal Weapon, but boring. Chill. God...

[grunts] Excuse me.

- I'm looking for my husband, Ben Olinsky. - [Ben] Hey.

Tall, big, broad shoulders. Squeals like a little girl when he sees a hummingbird.

[chuckles] Hey, just so you know, people in olden times thought they were fairies,

and it's sad that you can't see the magic in that.

- Oh, what a nice surprise. - Mmm.

Well, I knew you would be busy, but I thought it would be a nice gesture

if I brought you a little treat.

Oh, my gosh. Everybody, look what my wife brought.

Is she the best or what?

Somebody grab some paper plates. Everybody dig in. Awesome.

Oh, okay. Um, I'm not sure I brought enough for all these people.

Oh, you took my vegan lo mein. Okay. Great. Enjoy.

Well, listen. You grab something for yourself,

pull up a chair, you can watch us work.

Uh, well. You know, with everybody eating,

this might be a nice time for us to sit on the blanket, have glass of wine.

Oh, sure. I got a second. Yeah.

- All right. Okay. - [clears throat]

Excuse me. Where are your nuts?

This has been happening all day.

I'm so sorry. I know that the sign on the window says "Hardware."

That's because we're a magazine about hardware. We're not a hardware store.

Sorry. What were you saying?

[groans]

It seems like you got a lot going on here.

Can you knock off a little early maybe and just meet me at The Lobo?

Maybe we can make out in the bathroom? I heard they, uh, put a lock on the stall.

Oh. Well, you know, as much as I would love to go and make out

in what may be the filthiest place on Earth,

I just can't. Sorry.

Uh, it's okay. I understand. Maybe I'll just, uh, go by myself.

Yeah. Okay.

[grunts, sighs] Darlene, wait.

Yeah.

[sighs]

If you're going to the bar, you're not gonna need this. Have fun, baby.

Picking up comfort food for Dan.

This lawsuit thing has him turned inside out.

Thought some nachos might make him feel better. [sighs]

I hope those work better for him than this beer is working for me.

All right. Let's get to the heart of that.

Okay, fine.

Uh, Ben is working around the clock at the new office,

and I can't bear to sit in that living room for another night without him.

Mmm. What about Becky and Tyler?

Blech.

It's like watching a foreign romance film but with regular-looking people.

Oh, thank you.

Look. You know, hanging out here is a temporary solution.

What are you gonna do tomorrow night?

Smell Ben's shirt, cry a little, come back here

and, uh, oh, I'm playing Team Darts by myself.

Look, I have been the Ben in this situation.

I have gone on tour and left loved ones for months.

If Dan had come to a bar every night when I was on the road, he'd be an alcoholic.

I, uh, hate to break this to you, Louise,

but he kinda is an alcoholic, he just does it at home.

Um. Don't you have any friends you can hang out with?

No.

[sighs]

All right. Just hang in there.

Things change, and his work will... will definitely calm down.

Yeah, I appreciate the effort. [grunts]

Uh... Dan likes to wash down his nachos with hot peanuts.

Ooh. I'm really sorry, Louise.

It's okay. I know what I signed up for.

Hey. Perfect timing. I made you a quiche from scratch. Sit down.

You made a quiche?

How long did that take?

It took a couple hours.

About half as much time as it took to make those Tuscan raviolis by hand.

Great. We can eat quiche and have a little talk.

Uh, I didn't bake it long enough. You know what? I rushed it.

You wait here. I'll make a new one.

No, no. Please, you don't have to.

No, I do. I-I-I do. I have to get this right.

I... [sighs] ...I love you,

and my love is not runny.

It's firm with a flaky crust.

It's okay.

It's not okay. Look... [grunts]

...you let me move in here.

I want it to be the best decision you ever made.

But... [grunts] ...I can't do this anymore.

I mean, showing you how much I love you is ruining my life.

Okay. I-It's been working great for me.

But if this is all too much for you, then maybe, and I'm just spitballing here,

um, we can cut back on the romantic gestures.

Unbelievable. You know what?

How can I show you how much that means to me?

Do... Do you like paella?

No. No. Stop it, you're doing it again, okay?

- We are gonna take it easy, okay? - Okay.

And we're gonna jump to the part where I get to work on my thesis

and you get to read all those Goosebumps books

that you hide from me in your flight bag.

They're just the right amount of scary.

[clears throat] Oh, hi.

I didn't know you'd be here, but I'm glad

because I need to talk to you about something

before I talk to Dan.

I know how you're making all that money.

Uh, y-yeah, my big Fortune 500 computer job.

No, you're not working for some Fortune 500 company.

You're part of an illegal hacking operation.

[sighs] How'd you find out?

Somebody with real detective skills is able to put together pieces

that look random to other people.

Plus, I rifled through your backpack and I found a note from one of your buddies

that said, um, "You're... You're the best hacker ever."

So what are you gonna do?

Well, this puts me in a very difficult position, Mark.

I haven't told anybody this yet, but I'm trying out to rejoin the Lanford PD.

You? Now?

[laughs] Why does everybody keep...

You wanna go now? You wanna go?

I'm two feet taller than you.

I could put my hand on your head and hold you away while you swing wildly.

Look, just don't tell my mom.

Well, if you stop now, I won't.

But your mom is the least of your problems 'cause you're gonna get caught.

I haven't so far, and I'm not stopping

until I have enough to pay for college myself.

Yeah. You think it's okay because the money's for a good cause.

That's how you get hooked.

First it's college, then you're gonna wanna give your kids a good life,

maybe adopt a foster kid who needs a new heart.

When does it stop, Mark?

I think it stops right now.

Well, you're not answering my texts, so we have to talk.

Jackie, you're a two-beer relative and I've only had one.

[sighs] We have to sue, Dan.

I sent you the names of the lawyers

and links to stories of people who have done this.

What's the hold up?

I already told you it's not gonna be worth it.

Oh, so my sister is not worth it?

You know what I mean. And it's not for her, she's gone.

Uh-huh. Out of sight out of mind.

Just another casualty. Nothing we can do.

Where's the Dan I know? Where's the guy who would never walk away from a fight?

I never walked away from a fight I knew I had a chance of winning.

I'm not stupid enough to get the hell beat out of me for nothing.

Look, a sister doesn't carry the weight that a spouse does,

but you're not giving me any choice.

So I guess I gotta do it, because I'm not gonna let these bastards get away with it.

Do what you gonna do.

Okay. So you're gonna let your overly emotional, sometimes irrational,

possibly borderline personality sister-in-law

go to war with a big opioid company?

You'll have the element of surprise.

No. You know what I have? I have the guts to do something you won't.

If you don't hear from me, it's because I don't know who you are anymore, Dan.

Mind if I join you?

Becky's working on her thesis, and I just finished my last Goosebumps book.

Oh, sure. It'd be nice to have a little company.

Yeah?

Oh. This is Becky's favorite show.

I mean, it just cracks her up.

When she laughs, oh, man,

her eyes just light up like the Eiffel Tower during the Olympics.

Okay, you can leave now. Alone is better.