Original subtitles

[BLANK_AUDIO]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

Good morning.

And another bad dream last night.

No, not a nightmare, bad dream.

Give me the tingles.

And do you know what we do when we get the tingles?

That's a very hip hop, we jump it off.

Jump it, jump it.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

Good morning, Mommy.

Don't you look pretty?

How many of you have today?

This makes four.

Good girl.

And I'm not out your TV guys for the day.

Oh boy.

Okay, I'm going to Peabody to get debriefed.

I really think it's gonna be different this time.

Of course, if you think like a butterfly, you'll be a butterfly.

Okay, I'll be back soon, love you lots.

And go easy on the free jazz, you know it gives you diarrhea.

Baby, I'll be getting the wrong.

I always still go in strong.

[MUSIC]

I took your car to the day.

I didn't even ask.

And now you're going to go last.

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

Bitch, what the fuck?

I'm sorry.

I thought that you were trying to eat her breast.

[MUSIC]

What's up, honey?

Come on.

It's a health care friend.

Yeah, that actually would be great.

Come on.

That's your uncle?

No, that's my boyfriend, Colin.

He's only got 15 minutes to get me to school or I miss his window to fall back asleep.

Well, I've never tired.

What's up?

What are you waiting on?

All right.

Kill her, honey.

Thank you.

See, you play the harp?

That's so magical.

You're like an alternate fairy queen teen.

Yeah, that's me.

I play the gem sworn.

We should totally get together and medieval-y jam sometime.

I'd have to be super-baked.

That me too.

I mean, it's embroiled.

Is this for Tanner and Lauren?

Yeah.

Colin washed the scabbles and saws at the hospital and her attention.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm...

I'll list a who are you again.

Oh, Lucy Cox.

Sex ed.

Wait.

Really?

Yes.

Well, Dad, I don't know what we're going to do.

Tanner was the leading score in the conference.

Oh, come here.

Come here.

Come here.

Come here.

Come here.

Come here.

Look.

Come here.

I'm sorry.

I'm...

I'll list a who are you again.

Oh, Lucy Cox.

Sex ed.

Wait.

Really?

Yes.

Oh, come here.

Come here.

Yeah, I'll talk to Lee about us in that view, but that's going to cost Major Mula.

Call me later.

Lucy Cox.

Welcome back, kiddo.

Hello, principal Heiman.

I'm in a Cox.

Together again.

It's so weird being back.

Everything looks so shrunken.

Well, what are you going to do?

So you're going to be manning the maiden voyage of our new sex ed program.

I personally selected eight students to serve as your guinea pigs.

And I know this is just a test run, but my butt tells me you're going to do great.

Do you mean your gut?

My butt gut.

You know, that's the puffier.

I think that guys have a butt or penis.

That's called a butt gut.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh.

I mean, I still can't believe you hired me, principal Heiman.

Call me Adam.

And I think it's very brave of you to want to come back.

I mean, you had a rough go the first time around.

And I was tickled when in lieu of a resume, I received this cool card.

Tech card rules.

Yeah.

Man, you look good.

Between you and I, you've aged so much better than the other alumni.

You've maintained a certain milkiness.

I tried to stay indoors.

Hey, since we're on the subject, I haven't heard any updates about Tom and the pirate newsletter.

Whatever half an old Tom.

Tom.

Oh, your Tom.

Right.

He dropped off the Peabody radar.

We haven't heard from him since he incident.

No big what?

He just popped into my head.

Well, that's understandable.

You never forget your first.

So Tanner and Lauren died in a horrific car crash.

The less of their do not finger fuck and drive.

I'm having posters put up all over the school.

Then another one of my star athletes breaks his penis on this chicks' taint.

I've had four reported pregnancies in the last two weeks.

Those are public school numbers.

More pregnancies?

Haven't these kids heard of adoption?

The other day, this female student, they're not.

The other day, this female student tried to kill herself because everybody found out she could ejaculate.

They called that a squirter.

I concur.

That kids are so mean, the boyger, so she slit her wrist.

Didn't help their names for Berta.

For Berta this squirter.

Right.

Yeah.

What the hell is that supposed to be?

I think it's a piece of pussy.

Well, it looks like a goddamn carrot.

I got to fire the art teacher.

Lee, me, me, my office later.

If me, me.

You remember our custodial engineer, Lee?

He's a stage for believing now.

What do you think?

But he looks so trim.

Well, that place that you haven't changed a bit.

You know, I think our pirates are suffering from an acute sexual disconnect brought on by an onslaught of social media and pornography.

These children need to realize that Coitus has consequences.

Well, look no further, Adam.

I'm your man.

My personal unit will cover the ups and downs of crabs.

Mastication, foreskin, flubber.

Did I mention the crabs in my unit?

You did.

Crabs.

I got it.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

No.

No, Miss.

The giraffe!

Yeah!

Man, we're counting on you tonight.

Don't forget to work to pick a girl, brother.

This is my weakness.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, he's a great.

It's an engine.

Come here.

He dressed a class.

And you get's class too, Miss.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's Logan, the giraffe.

He's our star forward.

Okay.

Listen, Peabody is almost one of the state championships six years in a row.

But if we don't win it this year, I'm going to say, "Fuck it."

And move to Bangkok.

Tell me, Lacey, do you believe in basketball?

No.

I don't like the sound of squeaking shoes.

Well, basketball is our religion here, and we are about a tumble service.

It is our pride, and it is our joy.

And the sooner that you can accept that big orange ball into your heart, the better off you're going to be.

And we conclude here at the Teachers Lounge.

And away, sis from all the acne and hormones.

This is your safe zone from all the madness out there.

Well, take care.

We'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning.

Unless you want to stick around until three.

We have this wonderful gentleman from Gambia.

That's going to be showing off his colorful native garb in the language lab.

Oh.

That's really nice, but I don't see myself doing that.

Thank you, though.

Hey.

I had to ask, right?

No harm there, right?

No harm there, right?

Hey.

How you doing?

Good.

How are you?

Good.

Why are we whispering?

Oh, sorry.

Yeah.

I'm in the library all day.

You get kind of used to it.

I'm Mike.

Lacey Cox.

We're a librarian in a way that's so serendipitously cool.

Sweet vocab.

Hey, I don't mean to sound like a prick or anything lacy,

but students aren't allowed in here.

I know.

And I will do my best to enforce that rule now that I'm on him and staff.

We got to protect our safe zone.

Hey.

You're a teacher?

Oh.

Hold on.

Let me recalibrate my body language.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm.

[LAUGHS]

Oral Karens.

Oral Karens.

What's the fuck?

What's the fuck?

So, uh, would you go to teach modeling?

No, sex ed, actually.

I'm here to scare the kids straight.

Bad ass, Miss Cox.

Wasn't Java?

Ick, no.

Do you have chocolate?

Hot chocolate.

What are you, seven?

[LAUGHS]

[PHONE RINGING]

Okay.

Back to the berry.

Uh, maybe I could sit in on one of your classes sometime.

I could be your demonstration, dummy.

How would be helpful?

Well, I'm sure you'll be seeing a lot more of me.

I hope so.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHEERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Pretty good stuff.

Isn't it Peabody the greatest?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

It's not my fault you can't handle this, Coochy.

I'm second in a shiver.

Open your mouth, bitch.

I ain't about to have no dirty ass kid.

You swallowed a shit.

Yeah, my fuck, that's three plant D-Pills nine.

I ain't packing another one.

My pussy's gonna fall up in the dirt.

Stick your ugly ass tongue out.

Hey, there you are.

Leave her alone.

You mind your damn business, give me a look.

What could you do?

You about to be my new bitch, now.

Matter of fact, I'm gonna call you Sheriff.

Stay back.

Now, how are you gonna suck my dick from someone?

I'm gonna suck my dick from sofa, I'll be sure.

[CHEERING]

Sorry, sorry!

You can't leave yet.

You ain't even suck my dick yet.

[CHEERING]

Why, you running, sir?

Huh?

Can we go, man?

Sheriff!

[CHEERING]

Don't use the syrup where the bottle is that lady.

I know, Mama.

And I hope you made enough batter, 'cause your sister's coming

for supper.

Rod, really?

She's our place.

Hey.

Hi, Mommy.

Missed you.

Baby honey.

Pancake night again?

You know, Mom has diabetes lazy.

The doctors are gonna cut her feet off.

Oh, I'd like to see them dry.

Nice to hear her sister.

She's had a big, tough day at her new job.

Nice to get a job.

How does lazy get a job but not me?

She didn't even go to college.

You have a job.

I volunteer at the youth center in the freaking ghetto.

Today we took the kids' enemy commas and no one was paying attention.

Thomas?

I need bad breath on top of all their other problems.

OK, lazy.

What's your big, tough new job?

She teaches sex ed at Peabody.

[LAUGHS]

What?

Please tell me this is a joke.

Is it a joke?

No, it's not a joke.

So there, anybody can teach sex ed, why not me?

Well, for starters, you're a fucking virgin.

That's true.

Dr. Rice can barely get that do-hickey in you at your last checkup.

But just need more jelly.

Lazy, you need to resign.

You're gonna fuck those kids up.

Where's the needed Tom?

How dare you bring Tom into this mom?

You teach sex that is like Helen Keller giving surfing lessons.

Well, Helen Keller's a whole bag and so are you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm so sick of--

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I think Tom's back in the way.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Look at Tom's back.

Hey, Tom's back.

Hey, man.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I'll be a better spider.

I'll be a better spider.

There's like-- it'll be a better flight.

Think like a better flight.

You'll be a better flight.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[muffled muttering]

Hello, fellow teachers.

Is Mike and you're a friend of Mike's.

I think we're well on our way.

Well, Mike is the librarian, so why don't you take a while

to guess about where it could be.

Cut it out, Jenna. We get it. She's younger than you.

Hi.

My name is Coach Bush.

For more weeks, you can call me Mo.

Yeah, homo.

I teach Jim, and I train a soon-to-be champion fight.

I'm Lacy Cox.

Sex ed.

Oh, we know.

Love you, whistle.

I have a pretty good collection myself.

Cool beans.

Oh, drop body office anytime.

My door is always open.

His back door.

Fuck you, bitch.

Nice socks.

Very plunky Brewster, Abia.

Thanks!

I love rainbows.

They're so inclusive.

So what do you all do?

Physics.

Physics?

Did you ever take a balloon and rub it against your throat?

No, I think for sure to warm it.

I'm feeling facts.

Not friction.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

She's so dikey.

Welcome to sex ed Govers.

I'm your host, Lacy Cox.

We're going to have so much fun.

And don't worry.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm going to be a good boy.

I'm sure we'll cover that.

Go ahead and take a seat.

Did you bring pizza?

Because this seems like the class you get pizza with.

I will bring pizza when I feel you have all worked hard enough.

Now, I'd like to start by having everybody stay their names and some sexual factorial

about themselves.

What do you mean sexual factorial?

Like if for virgins are not?

Yeah, but I doubt everyone in this room is a virgin.

I think we have an early bloomer to in here.

Raise your hands and you've done the nasty.

I mean, you need two kids.

You need to.

I shot my V card up in this little long time ago.

So who wants to go first?

I'm Natalie.

I lost my virginity at 13 to a guy who was uncircumcised.

It looked just like a freaking ant eater.

We made even grosser as that we were on a picnic blanket, covered in ants.

And all I could think about was his weird dick, sucking up the ants and turning his

ball bag into an ant worm.

I just want to clarify real quick that the old bartender from Malbec, yeah, he didn't

pee in my mouth when I asked his D last week.

He texted me and told me that his sperm was watery because of some eggs.

So my bad.

Oh, I'm bent yet and if you don't know the word, then look it up.

I'm fuzzy.

I'm retarded.

My name's Chris.

It's pronounced like death, but everybody calls me "queeph" because they see that I

"queeph" all the time and then I spray a tuna mist.

You all make a trumpet noise when I walk by.

And I hate it here.

I'm Connor.

I like taking my butt lit.

Sex to me is whatever.

I've only ever been with my boyfriend, Colin.

I guess we've evolved past all that.

We're the only like an old married couple.

So we just like watch anime, make vegan spring rolls.

I ride my bike.

The nicer stuff.

I'm giraffe.

Number 24 and this class, part of my choice of words, Frederick, is retarded.

I don't see what you can teach us that we don't already know.

I mean, it's just dick and pussy.

Who gives a shit?

My name's Deanna.

I'm a pretty sexual person.

Last year I bonus a 32-year-old named Bruce.

You gave me a molluscan, which is kind of like words and I hear it can spread to your hands

and your face, but I have no symptoms.

And I'm up front with all my partners about it.

I just hope it doesn't land on my asshole.

She's gonna fucking vomit.

I'm a bum.

Wow, gang.

T.M.I.

Where should we start?

Oh, yes.

Here we go.

We all know that sex in the classic colonial position leads to a child.

Spirm when taken orally does not lead to conception if you chew it well enough.

The female vagina sucks up the man's dingus.

Then with vaginas distillists, she conjures the tadpoles from the man's scrotus.

And they swim to the egg ahead, but I get with her ghost faces.

Thus making a baby.

Hopefully a girl.

Got it?

Good.

Don't tell me I'm gonna get y'all's names down soon.

Frudric.

What is your question?

Miss Cox, are you fucking with us?

What?

No.

I thought you were retarded.

Boom.

Gotcha.

Looks like you're the retarded one, yo.

I was not!

It's quiet!

That's F** was mad at me yet because everyone was crazy.

But he's like, "retight.

We sack.

We sack.

We sack.

We sack.

We sack.

We sack.

We sack.

We sack.

We sack.

We sack.

We sack.

We sack.

We sack.

We sack.

You too, what's that?

We don't redone.

We don't redone.

We don't redone.

We don't redone.

We don't redone.

You slipped.

This is up, Chuck, isn't it?

Yeah.

That's mine.

Is the resource all ready?

Oh, don't laugh.

Wow, I'm sorry.

That is just the roughest of the rough.

It was evil.

Kids.

What's wrong with kids today?

It's meth, isn't it?

Not teenagers.

They just porn stars with pimples?

Who's this?

I asked my boyfriend, Tae-Tae.

I'm sorry.

I mean, Taylor.

Boyfriend, you're a homosexual?

You must have the biggest crush on my fillet,

Borean.

Oh, not even close.

Oh, no.

It's being a gay, amazing.

Can be if you have the right partner,

and if you only don't special-k on a weekends.

I love a special-k.

Tae's a musician.

It's things in a scream of emo band called Window Pain.

Do you like music?

Sort of.

A lot of British girl power stuff.

Front-town holiday jubilee jug band.

That's good, shit.

So tell me a little bit more about yourself, so I don't mean

to pry, but I didn't notice your car was covered in rainbows.

Aren't they the coolest?

Yeah, and brave.

So I take the rainbows to mean that you're--

Irish?

No, sir.

Right.

Oh, hey.

What's going on?

It's the talk of the town.

Mate, what a nice surprise.

What's up?

Oh, nothing.

Just waiting for a delivery of the D and worded huck fins.

I'm liking this new custodial look.

Thanks.

I'm my clothes recovered and believe the janitor vomit.

You look like a rapist.

A really hot one, though, so I mean, if you were to rape a dude,

you'd be like, yes, rape me.

Nice.

Yeah.

Spike, I need your help.

You think that you could pick out some naughtyish titles for me?

And I can need to bone up on my sex ed.

Sure thing.

Let's get y'all boned up on the bone and down.

All right, let's see what we got.

Markade the saw.

Ooh, Lexus, Nexus, Nexus, Nexus.

Let out.

Let out.

Boom.

Here it is, the commasutra.

You read this one, and within a week,

you'll be cleaning yourself like a cat.

Cheers.

I'm glad these aren't a stressors, Ness.

You know, my boyfriend, my ex boyfriend, Tom,

he wanted to be a librarian.

Oh, this one sick.

But Ty, story of the eye.

This one's about a skank.

It puts a bloody bullnut upper smash.

Very romantic.

There we go.

That should wet yep, pretty good.

Thanks so much.

This rocks.

Hey, you want to hang out sometime?

You know, maybe outside of Peabody?

Are you kidding me?

I'd love to.

See you later, Mike.

Ooh, you're going to get it.

Hey, Lacy, do you need some help?

It's OK.

I got it, pal.

One sec.

I just got to help my friend.

Oh, no.

You don't need money.

Yeah, their kids might see us and make fun of you.

It makes fun of me already.

Look, I'm sorry I was laughing a little today.

It was kind of dickish.

It's OK.

I must have looked pretty stupid up there.

You'll get better, right?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What's up?

It's time to have anxiety and panic.

Sorry, he just got to tattoo of a cave finishing.

So he's not feeling so good.

What the--

Where are you going to fuck?

You better run along.

Your love for her awaits.

OK.

Don't forget to bring your gem swords sometime for our jam sash.

[LAUGHS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, Lazy.

They already fire your ass?

Eat me.

I'd be the first.

Be atch.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHS]

Eat me.

That.

She'll look with the flash.

There's nobody out of here at dipstone.

I used to think that Roberta the Scooter

was the weirdest chicken school, but Ms. Cox is crazy whack-bunking.

I want to bust the nut on those big ass teeth.

I like how weird she is, man.

But that vaj looks like a pepperoni sandwich.

Ooh, dude, those panties are definitely full for you to me.

Y'all are making me hungry and shit.

[LAUGHS]

Yo, here you--

Uh-oh.

Jerry Curl Alert.

[LAUGHS]

Wow.

It isn't the Peabody penises.

At least we got penises.

Yeah, these dog couches in the pillow, by the--

OK, well, at least our coach exclusively

has anal sex, which is like the coolest sex

you can have mother fuck.

Are you faggots going to fell at your jump?

Yeah.

Let's get this started.

Jump club.

Now in session.

Woo!

This is so freaking sexy.

Babe, it's better than sex.

I didn't feel the grass.

Grass.

Grass is for Mexicans, bro.

Fuck, yeah.

Shall we hit her so the king is rough?

This jumping shit, nigga.

Is out baby's pussy.

Fuck, yeah, Logan.

This is just a few feet higher than the last one.

Fly like the fucking angel you are.

Everybody shut the fuck up.

We concentrate.

This is more technical than it seems.

He's not going to do it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Arms away, bitches.

Baby, Logan.

Oh my god, he's not moving.

Ralph, we're trying to get attention a little bit.

Man, this should ain't tight.

Let's tear.

Oh, looks like we'll be taking state now.

Oh, these shoes came off.

That's not a good sign.

Fuck.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, girls, hungry?

How about we go inside?

And I'll feel y'all.

Got a couple of nice buns in here.

All right, let's get sticky.

I want extra ketchup.

And I want extra mustard.

Shut up, bitch.

Just be happy.

This is in spicy mustard.

That ketchup in your gut, girl.

All right, I'm a squirt.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm getting dull.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What the fuck is going on in here?

Nothing.

Why are you always here?

I was class today.

Was terribly awesome.

Awesome.

Terribly awesome.

I'm sure.

Lazy you're in over your head.

And I'm the perfect resource for you to use in abuse.

Let me help you.

Really?

Kids are pretty advanced.

Anything from a little sis.

Thank you.

This means the world to me.

Please come in.

There's much to discuss.

Yeah, the first thing you have to know is the human butthole

is extremely elastic.

Shirts, skins, shirts, skins.

This is so fucking gay.

I heard that motherfucker.

Skins, skins, shirts, shirts.

Shirts.

I need to talk to you right now.

Yes, sir.

All right, I want to see some hustle guys.

No, no.

I'm going to see you fucking wrong.

What the fuck?

They're going to crack down and jump, gloves.

So hard.

Keep your mouth shut.

Drive for most to keep us legasew up.

I know.

And we find a new jump king, yo, quick.

So if you're paralyzed, can you not fill your balls or dick

at all, like even if they itch?

I didn't get their cocks set for the penis palm,

and then you can sit on it for about 80 seconds.

And you can still get them out, you know, like this.

They don't help soles.

You're gating in from hell.

Shut your whole breath.

All of them.

Please, I can't even think of your quiffy.

I don't quiff shit, farts.

Sorry, I'm late, dickheads.

I was dropping a deuce in the girl's bathroom,

and I got so turned on by my own stench,

and I had to rub one out.

You know, believe me?

You want to smell my fingers?

Factory charred.

Smell my fingers.

What does that smell like?

Sleep.

Peanut butter?

Oh, right.

So I had some peanut butter crackers

after I gave myself the old death finger.

I see cocks, sex balls.

You bet I do.

Are we getting pieces today?

No.

Shut up.

Oh, come on.

I'm on the rag.

I need some cheese.

Hey, if I wanted any lip, I'd pull my pants down.

Where's Logan?

He jumped off a building, and he's going to be an old chair.

But if you would have made it, no one would have ever

said shit, because that jump was highest balls.

Oh, too bad so sad.

Why is she dressed like a slutty witch?

I'm on you little goo-bruz and goo-bruz.

I know all about your sado mania, your beloved

interracial cream pies.

I'm hip-tier hot dog animus.

You want sex ed?

You got it.

Hot dog animus.

What's going into you?

You're totally waking up.

Silence!

I want everyone to partner up.

Today I will be teaching you the pretzel-inspired

lesbianic act of sizzering.

Partner up.

Come on, it's time to buff the donus.

Is this what you guys wanted?

You're queuing guzzlers.

I'm down.

Wait.

We don't have to take this dog shit.

My dad is in the mafia.

Yeah, fuck this.

Five minute rule.

Five minutes of you acting like a crazy ass bitch.

Where do you think you're going?

When first I see them walk out?

Why am freaking taking my heart's out for you?

Natalie.

Alyssa, come on.

Stay with me.

Who are you?

I don't know.

Great job, Alyssa.

Scare him off.

The dog's being reported in the master's office immediately.

Snitches.

Lacey, what am I going to do with you?

You come to class dressed like a goddamn prostitute.

Are you sure you're even qualified to do this job?

It's not my fault.

They started it.

They said like one of them.

We can't have any more fuck-ups.

Adam, please don't fire me.

I just got carried away.

Well, you'd be out of here on your rump right now

if I wasn't so fond of you.

I've been in fan of yours since you were 14.

Give me another chance.

I know I can do better.

Well, you can't do any worse.

Have you heard about this jump club bullshit?

Jump club?

Yeah, a bunch of kids.

They're running around.

They're jumping off of buildings and bridges.

And they keep going higher and higher

to make it more dangerous.

Well, it has to stop, obviously.

So please keep your eyes open.

Oh, I will.

Wide open.

Spread eagle.

OK.

Oh, by the way, you're going to have a new student

in your class tomorrow.

Please, death you, a boo.

Sir, with all due respect, I don't think

I can handle a whole mother's student.

You can, and you will.

All right?

A boo's helping out the basketball team.

My Logan recovers.

And he's all we got.

So please welcome him with open arms and kid gloves.

If it means I can keep my job, then, of course, he's welcome.

Good girl.

Oh, and after school with the language lab,

we've got this hilarious Filipino dwarf.

And he's going to be teaching us how to make a hosahasa.

So you want to be my date?

Oh, no, thanks.

OK.

I hear you're doing a bang up job.

Bravo.

Your regular owl can see.

Are you so cruel to me, Jenna?

Cruel.

Please, girl.

I just think you're incompetent to the kids.

Well, I think your wet clay coffee breath

is a danger to the kids.

You know, you really should grow up.

Pretty soon it won't be so cute.

Oh, and about your date with Mike.

I hear he likes to-- how do I put this inertia right for?

Pump him and dump him.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm flipping you off with my toes.

I'm still doing it.

Well, let's go.

Why are you in Frantown?

What happened?

Sweet me alone.

Is this about class today?

Principal Hyman already ate my ass out about it.

Your class is completely fascist.

It's not what's bothering me.

Then what is it?

You can tell me.

Stupid.

It's just calling.

Never wants to have sex with me.

He always makes an excuse.

Like, he has got, so are the fair it's making too much noise.

Just makes me feel so ugly, undesirable.

Oh, but sweetie, you're so desirable.

If I were a guy I'd pump and dump you all the time.

Yeah?

I'm hot.

The hottest.

Melissa, who gives a fine flip with Colin things?

He's flaky and creepy, and he doesn't deserve another single kiss

from you.

Yeah, he should feel lucky to have me.

I'm totally sexy.

I mean, he's the one with a little tater top dick.

Exactly.

Oh, is that somewhere out there your soulmate is waiting for you

right now?

And he's got a big old spud with all the fixings.

Yeah, I've got to cover the gym now that you get a boobie.

Don't get it.

It's totally ticked.

Woo-hoo!

Yeah.

Let's go.

Come on, let's do it.

And that's what I'm talking about.

Oh, like, prayers have been answered.

The water full of seconds and the whole is going.

Come on, let's go.

We going all the way now.

Oh, shit.

And if he's been under the jump king, yo.

♪ All alone, all alone, all alone ♪

♪ All alone, all alone ♪

You're gonna be my new business.

You met a faculty and we called you ship.

(doorbell rings)

(doorbell rings)

- Sorry.

- You almost got an eyeball.

- Well, I'm like a fanciful

in the front, not the bag.

- I'm Lacey's sister, Marcy.

You must be the librarian.

- Well, now, yeah.

You're a little bit hotter than Lacey.

Sucks.

- Got Marcy, get a grip.

Sorry, my sister likes to flood out with her butt out.

It's gone to my room so we can have some privacy.

- Yeah, take me.

- Jesus, Marcy, even I drown.

- What the?

- You just moved back in here?

- No, no, I've always looked here.

Do you want some sparkling apple juice?

- Some thanks on driving.

- So, that girl, Deanna, from your class,

what's this story?

She doesn't seem to like me very much.

She ain't teen yet.

- She's one of my students that I'm ruining.

- I feel like I'm really losing them.

I don't know what to do.

Maybe something's holding me back.

Some like, seal that needs to be broken.

I don't know, Mike.

I was thinking that even I could like party.

- Fuck yeah, that's party.

- Wait.

- Stop.

That was like eating sushi without swallowing it.

- My side of it.

- So, Lee was the janitor when he went to Peep Body, huh?

He told me a pretty crazy story about you.

It kind of turned me off.

- I don't know what you're referring to.

- The football team, the bucket.

- This is moving a little too fast for me?

- Really?

Okay, we could pump the brakes, that's cool.

Ah, shit.

I got a jet, I got this thing.

Your sister, Marcy Cox, that's with an eye, right?

- Uh-huh.

- All right.

Oh, hey, about the kids.

They're just gonna do what they're gonna do.

So, you might as well just, I don't know,

make them feel okay for doing it.

You know what?

They're just gonna do it anyway.

- Oh my God, you're so right.

- Thank you, Mike.

(door opens)

(door closes)

- Oh.

(door closes)

- Hey, you actually came, yay!

- We have to.

- Hey, Lacy, you can do this.

- Still no pizza?

This is getting stupid.

- Class, I wanted to apologize for being so gruff

with you yesterday.

I was trying a new Swedish technique and then backfired

and, oh my God, Deanna, what happened to your face?

- Oh, it's my mollice gum.

It spread a little bit.

I was so completely upfront with all my partners.

- I'm dead, you could unbe.

- You're gonna be okay, girl.

It's just skin.

Anyways, I'm glad that came up because it gives us

a smooth segue into today's class about STDs.

- Oh.

- Oh, fuck, that shit.

- I know.

I know, I hate 'em too, but they're a fact of life.

You see, kids, sex is a game,

and STDs are just the bad guys.

Like soggy's to cap and crunch

so instead of making your cereal soggy,

they wanna make your junk soggy.

Now, who can tell me some of the most popular STDs?

- Stinky, crotch right?

- Good, good.

I think that that may be more of a hygiene issue, though.

Anybody else?

(door closes)

- I don't know.

Her piece.

- Her piece is great, but yet.

- I was gonna say her piece.

- We can all say it.

Come on, let's have it.

- Her piece.

- I can't hear you.

- Her piece.

- Again, her piece.

- Her piece.

- Oh, her piece runs my family.

- If I got herpes, I would set myself on fire.

- No.

Her piece is a joke.

It's for ski-D30 somethings.

- It's AIDS, we should steer clear of, right?

- AIDS, mains.

- No, AIDS, AIDS is a week.

All I gotta do is take like,

100 pills in the morning, you're good.

- I also know of several home remedies, though.

Knock it socks off.

- They have these exclusive AIDS clubs where you can go

raw with other dudes and chicks that have it,

and they include monkeys, too.

'Cause that's how that shit got started.

- A monkey threw his current mate, the Z-Wands.

It was hot.

- My cat's at AIDS.

So annoying.

- You were all making interesting points.

Now, even though AIDS is no longer a death sentence,

it doesn't mean you should be humping around.

- It's important to always wear a condom,

even if you can't feel anything.

Even on oral sex.

- Who wants a suck on a nesty-ass rubber?

- Rubber tastes better than HIV.

That I can assure you even yet.

- Doubt it.

- At least see, I'm not so sure we should be so cavalier

about this.

- Oh, let her speak.

She speaks the truth.

- How boo?

- What up, mate?

- Hello?

- You must be a boo.

Why didn't you take a seat?

Do you return a split?

- I know, Todd, it's a little share.

- Well, we were just in the middle of a lively discussion.

- I know, Todd, it's a little share.

- Well, we were just in the middle of a lively discussion.

- A lively discussion about AIDS.

Do you have anything to contribute?

- I don't know about no damn AIDS.

I don't speak to gay people.

- I'm glad that was brought up.

See, that is a common misconception.

Straight people are just susceptible.

Magic Johnson.

He's a famous basketball player just like you

and he sure as heck got it.

- More like Faggot Johnson.

- Miss Conk, should I be scared of...

- Humidia?

- Yeah, what up, folks?

- Great question.

- No.

- If you're gonna get an STD,

that is the one to shoot for.

- Duke on a read now.

- Police!

- The clock is crap.

So I have a little green stuff drip study every now and then.

You know what else drip screen stuff?

Here it is.

And that's on your face.

- Well, what about HPV?

Everyone gets silent, right?

- Right.

- Sadly, crap.

That is one that nobody can avoid.

It's like chickenpox for your genitals.

Everyone in their grandma gets it.

- HPV gives girls to play cancer.

- And can't it give you genital words?

- Oh, sick.

I don't want words.

If you should have your pussy when you got wars,

then she's spread like peanut butter.

- Yeah, I get words on my fingers.

Sometimes.

Just chill 'em off.

- Yeah, but how are you getting another words off your sack?

I'm not gonna do it.

- Okay, no one asks you to.

- Calm down.

Nobody's getting words on my watch.

And if you do, I'm here to tell you that it's all good.

'Cause no STD can stand a chance against good old positive thinking.

Right?

Fucking on, Lacey.

- Sounds like you might have a little some some niche here.

- Sorry, Abu.

I'm as clean as a fat chicks' rape whistle.

[laughter]

- What up?

- Hi.

- So, when you come in from you?

- Chemistry.

- Chemistry.

- Chemistry.

- Hmm.

- No, we got chemistry.

- Yeah, you.

- Yeah, I seen you looking.

- And macking on me?

- Listen to you.

Mackin'.

- Aw.

Yeah, baby girl, I'm macking it.

She's like a big daddy, daddy,

Mac Hollin' at you on the down low.

- You're like no, my name.

- That was no one your name

but a change I find you are.

[phone ringing]

- Shit, I gotta go.

Goodbye, Abu.

- Oh, okay.

I see how it is.

Goodbye, you.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Baum des Clas, miscalpings, Vinny.

- Wow, your ass looks great today.

- Thanks.

You're a suit?

- They see it.

You may feel so much better about my malska.

- So what I do?

- Hey, teach a nice job today.

Fuck warts, right?

- Hachoo, you know it.

- Wow, wow.

Look who got popular.

- Hachoo.

[upbeat music]

♪ Heart to be a girl ♪

♪ So nice to be a boy ♪

♪ In my room at night ♪

♪ Not a pretty sight ♪

♪ Here's an empty kiss ♪

♪ Marching to the rhythm of the payroll ♪

♪ I can be a good boy too ♪

♪ Just let me out of the stable ♪

♪ Sausages and eggs ♪

♪ And hot and sour soup ♪

♪ Bang me for your time ♪

♪ 'Cause I can be as bad as you ♪

♪ Heart to be a girl ♪

♪ That's what the oracle told me ♪

♪ I don't care what she says ♪

♪ I assume it's best to be lonely ♪

[upbeat music]

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

[bell dings]

Hey, dude, that point card from Hillsboro?

Fucking died last night, dude.

I told you that job is too high.

It's definitely getting too jack.

We've got to pull the plug on the club right now.

Man, fuck this shit, we do what I say.

And I say I'm jumping off the tippy top of there

more fucker tomorrow night.

The roof that's suicide.

Bitch is please. Put the word out.

[door slams]

Man, you're screwing my girl.

You prick it faster.

Oh, baby dick.

So you a little Columbine motherfucker, huh?

You're fucking chugger ass.

I'm a fucking chugger ass.

You can't see it, will you?

You know I've got the killer, boo.

You're breaking up.

[screams]

[grunts]

[grunts]

That's what you get for loving a bitch.

Are you okay?

Okay.

I'm gonna go faggot.

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

Just baby.

Just a child.

Oh, what are you putting in for that baby?

You can't touch me like that.

[grunts]

Alyssa, I got your note.

Everyone is looking for you.

Were you wounded?

I'm fine.

I guess is a boo okay?

Yes, DMX Jr. is fine.

It's my mikou got hurt.

Do you see, wake up.

How can you not see mikas at total douche?

It's really calm down.

What is this about?

I'm pregnant.

It's a booth.

Oh, well I said.

Have you learned nothing from my class?

I told Colin I was leaving him for a bill.

I was leaving him for a bill and he freaked.

Called me an Edward Lover and said he was gonna kill him.

I didn't think he'd actually try and do it.

That's not what actually is bothering you, was it?

No.

A boo wanted me to get an abortion like yesterday.

'Cause he's gonna be a star and he doesn't want to kid.

But I love boo and I don't want to throw our baby in the trash.

I'm sad he and his cousin Dre lingo are gonna punch me in the stomach if I don't do it.

What?

My gosh, that is sick.

He won't get away with this.

I'll have Mobu's hiding off the team so he has no reason to be here.

You can do that?

Consider it done.

You just lay low for a little while.

Pick the bird flu.

Thanks, Lacy.

You're the best.

God, I want another life so bad right now.

Do you ever feel like you're living two separate lives?

Like squirrels are eating away at your heart?

If only you knew they would.

Not here.

What I'm about to tell you doesn't leave this dark room.

I swear on a friendship it won't.

With eight years ago, I was a student here by far the biggest dark in school.

There was a boy who liked me.

His name was Tom.

Tom and I were virgins.

We were going to be each other's first and only.

Uh oh, was he bad and bad?

Just listen.

We headed all set up.

Sparkling apple juice.

Peaches and cream.

The googoo dolls better days on repeat.

It was also perfect.

Oh no, did he die?

Worse.

Just as we were about to become one, Tom fell off the bed and started foaming and flopping.

He'd had a massive stroke.

Fuck.

Half of his body was paralyzed and he could barely talk.

I was devastated.

And to make matters worse, I got the blame for it.

What why?

A room where started around school that Tom's balls had turned so blue.

The sperm had nowhere else to swim but backwards and it was brain causing the stroke.

Can that even happen?

Beats me.

All the jocks cared about was that I'd bench their star tight end.

So they got their revenge.

What did those bastards do?

The whole team pleasure themselves into a pale for weeks.

And they told me that Tom was out of the hospital and waiting at the auditorium for me.

I was so excited.

But when I got there, I see.

It's okay.

You can tell me.

I saw one of his teammates standing to stage right.

He was smiling and holding a rope.

And then all of a sudden he jerked it.

Oh my god.

No.

There was a waterfall of white slime.

I couldn't see my eyes were burning.

And it couldn't scream because I didn't want to open my mouth.

All I could hear was they're laughing.

The Tom kicks a major fucking ass after that.

No.

He was in the hospital for the rest of the school year.

I thought I could stick it out.

But everyone knew.

They just kept calling me, "Come like it. Come like it. Come like it."

I couldn't take it anymore.

I just disappeared into myself.

Did you ever see Tom again?

No.

He tried to, but I was too ashamed.

They see, we should find him.

We probably still love you.

I can't.

It's been too long.

A piece of me died that day, a piece that I was saving for my one true love.

Do you see what I'm saying?

Um...

Wait.

Does that mean...

Are you?

You're not.

Oh.

Miss Cox. Miss Cox. I have a quiz.

They're all home vignettes.

Those been canceled for the day.

What is so important?

I heard one time that this deal was really looking at her ass so deep.

And then afterwards, he couldn't be for days.

So, he went to the ER and the doctors' tweets that I hope he's the co-off of Miss P.

The corn was from the poop in that girl's butt that he did.

Could this really happen?

Absolutely.

It's a well-known fact that even dinosaurs couldn't digest corn.

Oh, right.

Thanks, Lacy. You're the man.

So let me get to straight.

You want me to have boo-expelled just days before the state championship?

Oh, you can't be in shit. Really?

It's your duty to knit this in the bud.

A boo is threatened to really hurt Alyssa. He must be neutralized.

Oh, and you think this girl Alyssa is telling the truth.

I know, Alyssa. She's the soul of an elven princess.

Why would she make it up, Mel?

Oh, I don't know. Attention?

Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I don't understand female nature.

No offense.

You need to throw away your crutches just like Tiny Tim.

You don't need a boo.

Oh, I don't.

Explain.

I think we all know who the real crown prince of this organization is.

Who is that, pray tell?

You.

You could believe this team to victory using finger puppets.

I mean, am I right?

Do you feel me?

I am pretty goddamn good.

You know, and Hyman doesn't seem to get that.

You know, it's always a boo-this, a boo-that.

It should be coach-pushed this.

Coach-pushed that.

You know, screw it. You're right.

I can't let this young man go unpunished.

As much as it pains me, I'm going to have Hyman expel a boo.

Effective immediately.

I knew you'd do the right thing, Mel.

You're a true gay American hero.

I can't believe I got stabbed in the hand by a fucking hippie.

I could get rabies or some shit.

I hope that scalpel was clean.

I probably was. He washes them at the hospital.

Mike, Alyssa's pregnant with a boo's baby,

and he's trying to scare her into having an abortion.

Wait. Alyssa likes black dudes?

That is so fucking hot.

Oh.

Can you focus, please?

Jesus, all you care about is kissing.

What's so funny?

I don't care about kissing at all.

Fuck me.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to have a conversation with you

and you're pushing my face in your groin.

Lacey, we've been hanging out forever

and you haven't given me anything.

I haven't given you anything. That's what you think.

You know what I mean?

You should like, I don't know.

They're all with my balls.

Ah!

I mean, the least you could do is put its head in your mouth.

It's head?

Yeah, come on.

Just, I don't know. Give me a little something to take my mind off my hand.

Take your mind off.

How's this?

Oh, fuck!

Jesus!

You fucking whore!

I mean, you fucking prude!

Fuck!

Don't look at the pretty flowers.

Tastes into me to commemorate me

leading the pirates to the championship.

And they don't mean shit now.

What? Why?

What is all your stuff, Boxstep?

They didn't fire you, did they?

I think it's past you, Lacey.

Why did they do it?

I accidentally.

And I still got them discussed in it.

I won't degrade myself further by repeating it.

If you try to do something, no one this is what you get,

they can't fire you. I won't let them--

It's done.

Word to the wise.

You keep pushing this a booth thing.

Your ass will be boned too.

I asked my old fur burger boned.

And something tells me this would be your first time.

That's what I thought, Jesus, Lacey.

And to think I was this close to coaching the winning team.

And you had to go urinate all over everything.

No, this is terrible.

I'm gonna cry.

Well, please do.

Cry for my dream.

Cry for my dead dream.

Now, if you excuse me, my ride is here.

I'm gonna cry.

My ride is here.

I'm gonna say something.

I'm gonna say something.

Fuck you, Peabody!

You're not see bitches.

Children rise!

Rise!

That rocked.

You ever been with the big woman, Lee?

Close the head.

You know, what would you act like?

What in the world are you doing?

Well, I was just telling Lee that some geches are given sushi roll

unless it's over at the language lab.

Why, you going?

What? No!

You fired Coach Bush for trying to expel a boon, didn't you?

You don't know what you're talking about.

Coach was why I got fired.

Why? I want to know why.

None of you got damn business.

Tell me now.

Okay.

Lee caught the coach and the boys locker room sniffing their dirty socks and underwear.

That I did.

He didn't see me cause he had a pair of drawers over his head.

I walk in and that nigga's just huffin'.

Sock on his nose.

Lookin' like an elephant.

That nasty motherfucker.

Yeah, that is a mountain of baloney.

I saw it with my own two ass.

Oh, it was snortin' skid marks like he was doin' lines of blood.

That's repulsive.

It is repulsive.

And it's disgusting, which is why I had to fire his fucking ass.

And go home, Lacy.

Or I'm gonna fire you.

Go!

Come, bucket.

Come, bucket.

Come, bucket.

I wanted to have to mop that shit up.

You can give a fuck about these kids, do you?

Um...

Sorry.

You bastards!

I'm sorry, hit.

It was all my fault.

This world wasn't meant for someone as beautiful as you.

What a treat.

Oh, hey, that...

Hey, Lacy! Lacy, wait! Lacy, I'm sorry!

Sorry!

Shit!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Go away.

♪♪

They said, "Go away, not come in."

♪♪

Don't be a bitch.

I came to check on you.

Yeah, so I am not jumping for joy.

I'm sorry about hip-hop.

I put some flowers on his grave.

He was my last connection to Tom.

Now I don't have anything.

What about your class?

The class is a whole lot.

No, it isn't.

Mike and I have been face-booking,

and he told me what an amazing job you've been doing

with the kids and how much they love you.

Why have you and Mike been talking?

He asked to be my friend.

It's not a big deal.

But what he said made me realize that...

I don't know.

Made me of my sister's kind of awesome.

Thanks, but I'm still a fraud.

Oh, you're not.

Fuck.

I mean, I wish I could be a virgin again.

If I could take back all the times,

I've had some towny, jackhammering me,

trying to stick his finger in my butt,

blowing beer burps in my face.

I would.

That's so gross.

Exactly.

You see, you're like pure old.

You see, you're like pure or something.

But if you really feel like a fraud,

then come clean.

I'm sure the kids would understand.

Do you really think that?

I really do.

So how many guys have you really slept with?

147.

Oh, that's like...

That's like...

It's like 294 balls.

How are you not dead?

[LAUGHS]

All right, let's go, hi, hi!

Whoo!

Good to see you!

All right!

Whoo!

Lacy, I texted you like 27 times with the fuck.

I'm giving you the silent treatment.

Well, don't crucify me for being horny.

Only human.

My balls have needs.

Hello!

Do you hear they found a baseball-sized water pubic hair

and coach Bush's desk?

Preaver has been collecting it from the boy's shower grain.

Excuse us.

I have a big class to prepare for.

I'm still a teacher by the end of the day.

Maybe we can work something out.

Okay, cool.

That's fine.

Do what you got to do.

Cool.

So?

Did you get in a pantshirt?

You're kidding me?

That box is like Fort Knox.

So, this is what you do.

[SIGHS]

It's about to get checked itself.

Then yet, it's practicing so much safe sex

she can put a condom on anything one hand.

Great job, vignette.

Everyone, let's take a seat.

Does anyone know where a vue is?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Deanna, have you been applying your terracell?

No.

It smells like tochase.

Class.

I have an announcement to make.

These past few weeks teaching you

have been some of the happiest moments of my life.

Miss Lacy, on all of our behalf,

I'd like to say the thing is mutual.

Oh.

We fucking love you, God damn it.

Thank you, little Frederick.

I need to get through this.

Teaching is about trust, and you've given me yours,

but I'm afraid I haven't been totally honest with you.

I think it's important that you know that I Lacy Cox,

your sex ed teacher, Emma.

And I am.

Hey.

I'm a--

[LAUGHTER]

I'm a--

[LAUGHTER]

Holy shit.

Was that a fucking queen?

That was my first time I swear.

I'm so like salsa.

Everyone, please settle down.

I'm so tiny.

Oh, come on.

All suited to faculty walk the plank

through the pirate step, Rowie.

[CHEERING]

Wait.

Wait, what second?

Do you later?

I'll leave you soon.

[SIGHS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What's up, Sheriff?

I'm taking a shit.

I had a--

A boo, you need to be the pet, Rowley, and not the woman's

restaurant.

This is feeling inappropriate.

Not within appropriate is you all up in my motherfucking

business, trying to get a nigga expert or shit.

Yeah, well, I didn't work, did I?

Yeah, no.

I got these fools in my back pocket.

But hey.

Melissa, tell you about me, huh?

It's Elyssa.

It's not any difference.

But did she tell you the Columbine Collins got a four-inch dick?

[LAUGHTER]

This dude got a motherfucking fool.

He's many baby dick.

I'm talking about it.

And a boo got wet.

Lips?

What's your point, man?

My point is, that's a whole seven-inch difference.

See, when me and her folks were the first time,

I would like to do a poor phone when she's in it.

See, now I got a thinking, that's it.

That's the same.

That's an old dude.

Now, my shit is thick, of course.

So I'm religion, Bob, and then that cool shit,

real shallow.

You know?

I'm just sure.

Ain't got no words.

And I could tell she was wishing that there was a mow.

So you want to know what I do?

I bet you're going to tell me.

I gave her some another inch.

[SIGHS]

Yeah.

Oh, she liked that.

Oh, she ain't know what I heard of.

So I broke her ass off another inch.

Mm.

Yeah.

Oh, click.

Click.

Click.

Come on.

Yeah.

What's that like?

Seven.

Seven.

What's four more to go?

Come on, Melissa.

Come on, girl.

Yeah.

You can do it.

What's that like?

Hey.

See, now I got about a tennis.

What'd you say now?

I'm gonna try to get my fries, bitch.

See it.

Oh, now I gotta say no, please.

No more.

I can't take any more.

I got that pussy struggling.

I got that whole busting at the same.

I'm gonna put a stretch and walks around that pussy.

But guess what?

You got another inch.

Boog out.

A little bit of inches in that slud.

All the way down to my mother fucking nigga nuts.

I can see my dick in the back of this whole thought with my--

Matter of fact, I'm making out with my own dick.

You were gonna make such a good father.

Oh, hell no.

It's over with that.

That ain't happening this year.

But you want in the wood?

I heard something about you.

Yeah.

So I'm down at the youth center, chilling with my boys,

minding my own business like you should be doing.

And imagine how surprised and shocked them were.

Fuckin' wolves, and they tell me to show ass a goddamn verdict.

You're sister got a big mouth.

You're sister got a big mouth.

She got a fat ass, though, when she find this fuck,

but she got a big mouth.

Now, imagine how surprised and shocked they gonna be.

When I tell them that the damn sexy,

a teen chain number, the string ass version,

who don't know dick about dick.

They won't believe you.

You can't prove it.

What are you gonna do?

Have Hyman check my washing m' call it?

If need be, but now you are right 'cause I ain't gonna snitch.

But just know this.

If you ever try to start some shit with me again,

I won't tell everybody you won't never be able to come to the school again.

Elmo.

Yeah.

See, from now on, you would think twice about trying to fuck with a boom.

Let's just wind up like you're a little bunny from here right here.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

[MUSIC]

Finish those shit, see.

[MUSIC]

[GASP]

Shut up, shut up!

[GASP]

[GASP]

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, lacy.

Why don't you get the pet rally?

Jenna, my desk.

You really should keep me so bad, Doc.

Who's about to have stroke?

You bitch?

Hey, you're on my sweater!

Ow, he's stupid little cunt.

[GASP]

Aww, I'll know lacy, wait, I'm sorry.

[GASP]

How can you say you're sorry when you're dick still in me?

True.

I can't see you guys.

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC]

[GASP]

[MUSIC]

[GASP]

[GASP]

[GASP]

[GASP]

[GASP]

[GASP]

[GASP]

[GASP]

[GASP]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[GASP]

[MUSIC]

[GASP]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[GASP]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

Hey mom.

What?

How old were you when you lost your virginity?

How good was your shape?

Lacey. Lacey.

Oh listen what's the matter now.

They're all done at the abandoned African American University dorms and a booth's going to jump from the roof.

A booth's a big boy. A very big boy. You can take care of himself.

No it's too high he'll die.

And that's all a lot of our problems.

Look I hate his guts but that doesn't mean I want him to die.

Oh you hate his guts now. Can you make up your mind please?

I'm confused.

You don't have to play the Tom card. I'll go talk him down but you stay here.

I'm gonna stay by the spire and get you nice and baked.

Thanks.

[MUSIC]

So this is for all you bitches.

All you hate and ask mother fuckers who said I wasn't going to be shit.

Well look at me now mother fuckers.

I'm God Faggot.

[MUSIC]

You should know I have Malaska.

I have a bad feeling about this.

Are we trying to stop him?

No way.

He's black.

[MUSIC]

So check this out.

Over one weekend I'm finna forever be the jump club king and take home the mother fucker state championship.

How'd you like me now mother fuckers?

I said I'll fuck you like me now.

I don't like you.

But I still can't let you jump.

The fuck you can't?

Hey Lacey, you like you?

Thanks.

You too.

Party over people.

I want everyone off this building.

There'll be no jump clubbing tonight or any night for that matter.

Sherry you must forgot about our let's talk we had in the bathroom.

I didn't forget.

But like my momma says who gives a shit?

No let's go.

You really don't know when the quit do you.

I'm a mother fucker.

I guess I gotta do this shit.

Everybody listen up.

Lacey Cox.

The mother fucking sex air teacher mother fucking sharing.

Is a mother fucking version.

I'm a mother fucking version okay?

God that was a work as me.

What the fuck?

Yeah I don't care that this bitch is fraudulent.

We're not retarded.

Everybody knew.

It's a little credit.

Why you being a hateable?

Lacey's the shit she's clean.

Lacey might be a virgin.

Bet you teach us other stuff.

Like how to love who you are.

Yeah yeah and.

And like how to love who you are.

Boo.

Boo.

Boo.

Boo.

Boo.

Boo.

Boo.

Boo.

Shut the fuck up.

Pet the lose.

You all set the fuck up.

All right.

All right.

Abu.

Come on your peers are spoken.

We'll check this out, Sharon.

It fits over with.

Then what the fuck is future Abu doing 10 seconds from now on that mother fucking roof?

Watch this shit.

Abu.

Everybody get downstairs.

Boo.

You're still my student.

And I don't let my students get hurt.

No matter how awful and insane they are.

You look so fucking stupid right now, Sharon.

I'm not going to ask again.

Come on.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Lacey be careful.

Now that was fun.

Let's do great again.

Come on.

That's the long way down.

Yeah.

Well, I'm jumping hope.

And when I finish, I'm going to find that harpis.

And I'm going to cry this out there belly like jacket's hand.

I'm going to mashed potato that fetus.

You wouldn't.

Oh, I'm gone.

Screw it.

Let's do this.

All right.

Children gather around.

A boot.

I'm going to make the jump together.

We're going to do well now.

Jump.

I'm down.

I'm three.

Wait.

For real.

I'll feel.

Oh, my.

Look who's being a little pussy bitch.

Oh, I ain't no bitch bitch.

I'm just saying that she just starting to look a little high

to a nigga.

I love her.

Well, I'm jumping.

I don't care if you join me or not.

And cool it on the ad word.

Who are you, Huck Finn?

Come on.

Jump time.

No, you'll die.

You ready, boo?

They're waiting.

Oh, I'm ready to go.

I'm going to go.

I'm going to go.

Ready, boo?

They're waiting.

Oh, I'm ready.

Don't worry about me.

I mean, you're the one who's going to die a virgin.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Can I not have children?

Lacey, please don't do it too late now.

One.

You know what you are, boo?

What am I?

Two.

You're rotten egg.

This is going to call me an egg.

Oh, cute bitch.

Three.

Jump.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GROANING]

This bitch broke my legs.

This bitch broke my legs.

This bitch broke my legs, man.

Why y'all standing there?

Y'all adopted.

Humpty Dumpty bitch.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Looks like the virgin is finally fucked.

Goodbye, Ms. Cox.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hi.

Hey.

This is sex ed, right?

Yeah.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

It was.

Can I help you?

You're Lacey, right?

I'm Roberta.

You're Roberta the squirter?

Yep, that's me.

I'm sorry.

I can't believe I just called you that you're face.

Oh, you're fine.

I used to hate that egg name, obviously.

But now I'm kind of proud of it.

If I'm not primed too much, can I ask what changed?

[CHUCKLES]

OK.

Well, when I got home from the hospital after the accident,

I never wanted to have sex or masturbator,

anything like that ever again.

And I was OK for a little while being a good girl.

Yeah, but then one day, I couldn't take it anymore.

I just had to come.

Sorry.

Don't be.

I understand.

Go on.

I laid in one of my bay windows touching myself.

Just felt so right.

And all of a sudden, I just went off like a fire hose.

I mean, it was the gusher to end all gushes.

Afterward, I'm lying in this huge wet spot,

feeling so ashamed.

And like, I'm cursed.

I actually wanted to die all over again.

But-- and I saw it.

So what?

I was naked.

Except for my socks.

And the sun was coming in really hard and hot.

And beaming from this mess I made was a rainbow.

Starting from the puddle right into my vagina.

And this perfect arc.

And that's when I knew that what I had was actually something

really special.

In that moment, I finally realized what it was that was coming

on of me.

But was it?

Joey.

It's called it's with the shit.

We heard sex school is canceled and I had a question

about my location.

And I wanted to ask you about Jamie Lee Curtis's Dom.

And I got cabs over the weekend.

We haven't covered those yet.

Oh shit.

Look, Roberta's back.

Hey, Roberta.

Hey, everybody.

She's awesome.

So go pay a jump off that bill.

Well, let's say you're here.

I thought you totally hated me.

I could never hate you.

You did the right thing you were protecting me and my baby.

Yeah, Elizabeth told us all about what you did.

How Abby was going to squish her baby out of her using craddies.

Plus, didn't anyone notice?

It was like 25.

Hey, let me see.

Maybe Elizabeth will be a boy.

I wanted it's old enough.

You can date him and he can fuck you.

I need to be cool with that.

I'm going to miss you guys so much.

They just came to say goodbye.

They could not fire you up.

Well, not let them--

Yeah, I'm in can suck our dicks.

I don't see a way around it, you guys.

I cost people to be the champion ship again.

I shot at a boo's legs in pelvis.

And I taught you guys sex without ever having it myself.

Let's face it.

I'm so fired.

Not necessarily.

I have an idea.

Stop.

Stop.

No, no, no.

I'm not in a mood for any of you guys global warming bullshit

right now.

But what's she doing here?

You know what?

This is trespassing.

I'm calling the cops.

But that phone don't right now, motherfucker.

You can't speak to me like that during school hours.

You can't stare at my nipples and say, looks like it's time

to turn the thermostat out.

Well, they aren't distracting.

And you can't smack my butt with your hard ass clipboard.

I was trying to boost your morale.

You were the one who need me, Roberta, the squirter.

Well, rhymes.

Blame your parents.

And why are you going to my Facebook

and looking at the pictures of my feet every night?

Don't think I don't track that shit.

You do have very nice feet.

I don't know if you ever heard that before.

Asexual harassment?

It's a very serious offense headmaster.

You're sick, sir.

Just calm down, everybody.

OK?

What is it you really want?

We work.

Gabe, coach back.

You would.

And we want Lacey to stay.

Well, that's impossible.

Because Lacey's not qualified to do any job in this high school.

Yes, she is.

Lacey is a leader.

Yes, she may suck at sex ed.

But she'd make a great guidance counselor.

Yeah.

Because she actually cares about the student.

Carrying doesn't matter.

It's out of the question.

Lacey is a threat to our athletes.

She's a dangerous mangler.

And to top it off, guys, she's a virgin.

We know.

But she lied to you.

No way.

No way.

Well, then, you give us no choice,

but to notify the school board of not only

are sexual misconduct, but also the legal enrollment

of a psychotic thug.

Well, you're going to feel real bad when that psychotic thug

becomes a president of the United States.

So this is how it's going to be, huh?

You guys need to say for yourself, Lacey?

Only that I hear some Ethiopian amputees

are going to be making lattes in a laying lab

with their delicious homeland beans.

You coming?

Fuck no.

Miss Cox can say, whoa!

[CHEERING]

Yes.

Yeah!

[CHEERING]

Who are you?

Hey, Lee.

You're looking kind of fat today.

What on earth is she doing?

She's flipping us off with her toes.

Wow.

She's incredible.

Wow.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, Miss Cox.

Oh, hey, Elissa.

How are the detoxes?

They're great.

Good.

Yeah, Lacey's upstairs.

Thanks.

If you think like a butterfly, you will be a butterfly.

It's so wonderful having you all here.

I wish I could flunk you all so you didn't have to leave.

Well, Deanna and Vignette will still be here

at the community college.

And the rest of us will be back for some reason holidays.

This is the best time I've heard about what you're

going to name them yet.

I was kind of thinking, hard though.

That's adorable.

You were going to be such a rock star at music school.

Well, I view the thing for that.

I probably would have just stayed with Colin

after I graduated and watched him play a world of warcraft

for the rest of our lives.

Lacey, you saved me.

Oh.

Can hear you too.

Lacey, you remember Tom, don't you?

Hi, Lacey.

Tom, I'll let you do ketchup.

I get the Peabody alone in the mail.

It's nice to see you.

I'm in front of me.

I've got five for shenanigans.

It's even nicer to see your face.

It's nice to see yours, too.

Especially since it's not paralyzed anymore.

I thought it was cute that way.

And I'm moving to a condo downtown just like we always said.

Well, I see.

I'm sorry.

Everything.

I shouldn't have just accepted that.

You didn't want to see me anymore.

I'm glad you did.

I wasn't ready.

They are now.

Tom, do you still like me like me?

I like you like you.

Lacey, I love you.

Love you.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Yeah?

I was thinking that maybe we can go out on a date

or something.

I love you.

Miss Cox, he's slight.

Freddie's attention.

Wait.

You can leave that.

Woo.

Lacey, are you sure?

Yeah.

But this time, let's go all the way.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Oh, I always meant to be ♪

♪ Cause I'll see such tingling ♪

♪ Well, there's a light filled of light pills ♪

♪ It's like me ♪

♪ There is special ♪

♪ Well, I must admit that you know how to treat a woman ♪

♪ Don't stop your love like heaps sweat ♪

♪ Keep it coming ♪

♪ And our relationship won't ever get dull ♪

♪ Because you're always on my mind ♪

♪ Even more than my own scope ♪

♪ You're always giving me respect to shivery ♪

♪ And I can't wait for your attention delivery ♪

♪ Stayin' together is a must ♪

♪ The proper can of drinks ♪

♪ Don't blend as good as us ♪

♪ We were made for each other ♪

♪ Met for one another ♪

♪ Need the one of us ♪

♪ Needs another lover ♪

♪ And just the wicker state at Wake-Yo ♪

♪ I'm on your side like Jennifer Holla ♪

♪ Day because ♪

♪ I love this whole life ♪

♪ I'm my king's of love ♪

♪ There is special ♪

♪ I took the market off ♪

♪ I keep my real villain sitting ♪

♪ But what about that pimpin' an easy stuff ♪

♪ Oh, how this kiddin' ♪

♪ 'Cause if we unite baby, I do your right ♪

♪ Well, I hope you met that muchy stuff ♪

♪ You told Barry White ♪

♪ Because I think I know you're well enough to be understood ♪

♪ Well, let's talk about sex, man ♪

♪ No, not that good ♪

♪ But spin the roller, yes, miss our still persist ♪

♪ Well, since you put it like that daddy ♪

♪ Here we could do it ♪

♪ My love is all I have ♪

♪ And my king's of love is ♪

♪ There is special ♪

♪ I wanna ♪

♪ I wanna ♪

♪ King ♪

♪ King ♪

♪ He's so strong ♪

♪ Baby don't stop takin' ♪

♪ Baby don't stop takin' ♪

♪ Oh, don't stop takin' ♪

♪ I wanna ♪

♪ Get your money ♪

♪ 'Cause you're the only one I'm thinkin' of ♪

♪ I wanna ♪

♪ Gimme' a laugh ♪

♪ You're the only one I'm thinkin' of ♪

♪ I wanna ♪

♪ Baby my love ♪

♪ 'Cause you're the only one I'm thinkin' of ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Something is switching me ♪

♪ Sweetest can be high ♪

♪ Won't shake me ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

[Music]

[BLANK_AUDIO]