Original subtitles

(engine rumbling)

- Sure was nice of the Mads to give us

this fancy new vehicle.

Maybe now we can do some real super-villain-type stuff.

- Cool your jets, little buddy.

A meteor strike last week busted a hole

in the Gizmoplex fluid tanks.

Now there's Kingachrome in the basement.

- Ugh.

Maybe being a Bonehead ain't what it's cracked up to be.

- Maybe not.

But the benefits are good.

- What?

You get benefits?

(people chattering)

- [GPC] Yeah, just pick one.

- Oh, hey, welcome to the Simulator of Love.

- Hi.

- The bots say today is their annual condiment taste test,

and wow, I'm in a bit of a pickle here.

Oh, I think I'm gonna go with the classic ranch.

Because I'm from America, so I don't really

like too much flavor, and this mayo is just too spicy.

- My pick has to be the dijon mustard.

- Oh. - It's got a subtle kick

that's worth rolling down the window

of your Rolls-Royce for.

- I'm going with sriracha, because it's fun to say.

Sri-ra-cha-cha-cha-cha.

- Oh, oh, oh.

My sauce today is banana sauce.

Banana sauce is made of mashed up bananas,

sugar, vinegar, and spices.

Banana sauce is the number one condiment of the Philippines.

Banana sauce is also called banana ketchup.

- Wait, Crow.

- Hmm?

- You're just reading something you printed off Wikipedia.

Wait...

Wait, do bots even have taste buds?

(bots laughing)

- She fell for it, you guys!

Oh, robot taste test.

- Maybe next we'll have a robot weight loss clinic.

- Or a robot blood drive!

(bots laughing)

- Not cool, guys.

I really thought we were having fun.

(upbeat music)

♪ In the not too distant future ♪

♪ Next Sunday afternoon ♪

♪ The evil Kinga Forrester ran her empire from the moon ♪

♪ Her latest plan was the Gizmoplex ♪

♪ A twisted scheme based on stolen specs ♪

♪ Now she's pulling the strings from the old moon base ♪

♪ And she's back to her experiments ♪

♪ With prisoners out in space ♪

♪ I'll send them cheesy movies ♪

♪ The worst motion picture wrecks ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ They'll have to sit and watch them all ♪

♪ And we'll stream 'em at the Gizmoplex ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ Now keep in mind they can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies begin or end ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ They'll have to keep their sanity ♪

♪ With the help of their robot friends ♪

♪ Robot roll call ♪

♪ Cambot ♪ - And action.

♪ GPC ♪ - Which one?

♪ Tom Servo ♪ - That's me!

♪ Crooooow ♪

♪ If you're wondering how eat and breathe ♪

♪ And other science facts ♪

♪ La la la ♪

♪ Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a show ♪

♪ I should really just relax" ♪

♪ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♪

- No, don't be mad.

- Come on, we always haze the new host.

- Yeah, we sent the last guy undercover

as a contestant at a beauty pageant.

- Wait, you did what?

Hey, Crow, that's the plot of "Miss Congeniality."

- Oh, right.

- Kick it to the curb, the Spice Girls are calling.

- And then you take the big piece

and put it on the other piece.

- Which one is the other piece?

- The piece that's not the big piece!

- You know, this would go a lot faster

if you would let me look at the instructions

for constructing the Luugenborg!

- And give away my advantage?

Never.

Invention exchange, pep boys.

You go first.

Oh!

- No!

No!

- So you're throwing a fancy dinner party,

but regular coasters are just too boring.

- All they do is sit there.

- Lousy, lazy coaster.

- [Bots] Dah!

- So we created the roller coaster.

The roller coaster makes every potent potable

into a show-stopping thrill ride.

Just watch.

- Attention drink, you must be this full

to ride the roller coaster.

All hands and feet inside the ride.

- Oh, here it goes up the hill.

- Here it goes.

- Oh, it's a little higher than I thought.

There it goes, there it goes, and now!

- Here come the loops!

One! - Whoa!

- Two! - Whoa!

- Three!

- Whoa, on the corkscrew!

Whoa...

- That's where it gets its picture taken.

- Say cheese!

- Hey!

And it didn't spill a single drop.

What do you think, sirs?

- Hmm, I think we've got an even better

entertaining pro tip.

What's the single greatest invention in human history?

- Penic...

Oh no, corn co holders! - Exactly.

But why just corn?

There's lots of food you want your mouth to touch,

but not your hands.

- Like a whole buttery turkey!

Behold!

- With our corn cob turkey holders, you can...

You can...

You can...

Okay, stop, stop, just stop, get outta here, go, get out!

Get out.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, well, listen, you saw what I saw.

Anyway, today's experiment is what happens

when you take the title of a public domain novel,

fill it up with sub-Battlestar Galactica junk,

and then dump a Jack Palance on top.

I dare you to understand H.G. Wells'

"The Shape of Things to Come,"

and yes, that's the whole title.

Flush them the movie!

Stop eating!

Ugh!

- [Ardy] Movie in the hole!

(toilet flushing)

- I just don't understand why you couldn't

build the coaster big enough for me to ride on it.

(alarm blaring) (all shouting)

- We got movie sign!

(doors whirring and banging)

(dramatic music)

- [Tom] Ooh, I hope "The Shape of Things to Come"

is a rhombus.

- Nah, Team Triangle for me. - What?

Oh my goodness.

- [Crow] You are my number one on the call sheet.

- [Tom] George, your last name, it's in danger!

- [Emily] You know, that Cosmo article was right.

Vertical spaceships are slimming.

- [Bots] Mm-hmm.

- [Crow] Oh, this is just like "Spaceballs!"

Rick Moranis good in everything.

- [Tom] I only have one marble,

but it's a super cool one.

(mysterious music)

- [Crow] Fries are up.

- [Emily] Ugh, swipe left, swipe left, swipe left.

Oh, tight abs and a Tesla, swipe right.

- [Narrator] This is Washington.

New Washington, a thriving colony

on the surface of the moon.

- [Tom] You can tell it's the moon

because they're wearing moon boots, obviously.

- [Emily] Woman be typin', am I right?

(bots chuckling)

- Galactic warship.

- Not today, but maybe tomorrow.

- For what purpose?

To wage war with the universe?

- No, Senator Smedley, for the defense of our moon colony.

- [Crow] Whoa, whoa, we're not ready!

- [Tom] Bring it back to third gear!

- [Emily] Whoa, that's Speak & Spell got jacked!

- John, this is total madness.

This creation of yours, Starstreak.

- Ew. (Tom Servo chuckles)

- Been tested.

We don't even know if the damn thing will fly.

- That's my responsibility, Senator.

- [Tom] You wound me, sir.

- My responsibility is to the Moon Council.

- [Emily] And the style Council.

- And to the Master Computer.

- I can reason with Lomax.

(bots gasp)

- [Crow] Hey folks.

It's me, Shippy.

Relax, I got this.

- [Tom] Is it too early for a Uranus joke?

- [Crow] Never.

The shapewear of things to come.

- Cargo vessel Phobos 4, you are entering Lunar Area 7-5.

Please confirm docking orbit.

- [Tom] Ah, watch it with that thing.

- [Emily] Oh, look, moon pattern baldness.

- John, I'm trying to do you a favor.

I'm telling you what the council have already decided.

The Starstreak project is dead.

- [Crow] Like our marriage.

- Let's see what Lomax has to say, shall we?

- Phobos 4, please acknowledge.

This is Lunar Space Control.

♪ This is Phobos 4 to Space Control ♪

♪ A Bowie reference is the goal ♪

- Confirmation of docking orbit negative.

We are overriding and beginning cobalt reverse drive

in 10 seconds.

- [Emily] They are getting their money's worth

out of this model.

- Bidi bidi bidi bidi.

(computer beeping) (tense music)

- [Tom] Is that good or bad?

- [Crow] Cobalt override, the limited edition flavor

from Mountain Dew.

It's bad.

- [Emily] Meanwhile, at Netflix.

- [Tom] Alexa, play Steely Dan "Aja."

Alexa, play Steely Dan, oh, jeez.

- [Emily] That dink hung up on us.

- [Crow] Easy, breezy, beautiful, and tawny.

- Master Computer Lomax, this is Lunar Space Control.

We have an emergency.

Delta 3 cargo vessel on crash course, probable impact,

New Washington center port.

- [Lomax] Master Computer confirms crash course.

New Washington in 12 minutes.

Suggest full emergency procedures.

- [Tom] Thanks, Lomax.

Love you, bye.

- [Emily] Leave.

- [Crow] Whoa, this guy's space suit is very lung-forward.

- Jason Caball here.

- [Kim] This is Lunar Space Control.

We have an emergency.

Please report. - Okay, on my way.

- [Tom] He had a long way to go.

- What's the problem, Kim?

- [Emily] Personal space?

- Delta 3 cargo ship with 10 metric tons

of RADIC-Q-2 on board, on crash course with New Washington.

- Bummer. - When?

- Eight minutes, 52 seconds.

- Lomax confirms? - Lomax confirms.

- [Crow] Do not take Lomax if you are allergic to Lomax.

- Emergency division, yellow alert.

Evacuate entire population to lower city.

Seal off access to main dome.

- [Emily] I mean, if Lomax is okay with it.

- Look, you sure it's not some sort of

communication problem?

- Jason, right now I'm not sure of anything.

I just don't want to take any chances.

♪ Chance, take a chance, take a chance, take a chance ♪

- Let's see what else we can do.

- [Emily] Huh, commercial sign.

- Yellow alert?

The whole city's on yellow alert!

- [Crow] We have to leave Epcot right now!

- [Tom] It's called Twitter.

It's gonna be great for the discourse.

- Go to red. - But I'm not tired yet.

- Impact? - Helvetica?

- Six minutes.

- [Tom] The spirograph has been compromised!

(tense music)

- [Emily] Good morning!

- [Crow] Top o' the morning to ya!

- [Tom] Ello, guv'nuh, what's all this, then?

- [Man On Loudspeaker] Evacuate all surface dwellings.

- [Emily] Oh, I just remembered something

to add to my eHarmony profile.

"Knows every Blues Traveler song by heart."

There.

- Kim?

- [Tom] How do you spell global thermonuclear war?

- Look at the weight distribution on that cargo ship.

- [Emily] Double cheeked up on a Thursday afternoon?

- [Kim] It's almost empty.

- An empty cargo ship?

Doesn't make sense.

Excuse me.

- [Tom] I gotta go talk to the big lollipop.

- Master Computer Lomax?

This is Jason Caball.

- [Crow] You decent?

- [Lomax] ID confirmed.

Go ahead, Jason.

- Okay, I need a bypass circuit to overload

the Phobos 4 engines.

- State priority classification.

- Come on, Lomax.

Cut the red tape.

We have to destroy that ship.

- [Lomax] Priority request acknowledged.

- [Emily] Aw, jeez, Crow, whenever I ask you

to overload the Phobos 4 engines,

you throw your pudding cup in my face.

- [Crow] Well, there's a right way and a wrong way to ask.

- Two minutes to impact.

- [Tom] And three minutes to lunch.

- [Lomax] Phobos 4 engine circuit to display available.

- Okay, give me input control for a bypass circuit.

- [Emily] Order some fries for me, huh?

- Kim, do you have this emergency under control?

- We're working on it, Father.

- Son, are you sure that none of Niki's people are on board?

- No life signs at all.

Lomax confirms.

- [Crow] Is my hair wispy enough, son?

(tense music)

- [Tom] Oh, these Harrison Ford closeups

get tougher every year.

- [Man On Loudspeaker] Red alert, red alert, evacuate all-

- [Crow] Hello, good morning.

I'll see you in a fortnight.

How's your mum?

Porridge today, Gromit, Tuesday!

- [Tom] Yeah, I get that I am here,

but where's the Hot Topic?

- Come on, Lomax.

- [Lomax] Stand by.

- [Emily] We're late for ABBA class.

♪ Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance ♪

- 70 seconds to impact.

- [Lomax] Procedure complete.

Now you may activate.

- [Tom] Eight-six-seven-five-three-oh-nine.

- Sensors indicate negative response.

Cargo ship did not destruct.

- Oh, this blows. - Did not disrupt.

- [Emily] Oh, poopie.

- Impact 45 seconds.

- [Crow] Emily, what would you do

if you had 45 seconds to live?

- Oh, I don't know.

I'd probably just take it easy.

No need to stress the seconds away, you know?

Life can be full of this go go go mentality,

and if you just stop to just be,

you'd find that happiness lies within.

- [Crow] Oh.

- [Tom] That's very Zen of you, Emily.

- [Emily] Oh, well, I'm just kidding.

I'd probably just break out the flame thrower

and tear it all down. - Yeah!

- [Tom] We shouldn't have made our dome out of cellophane!

- [Emily] Panic at the disco!

- [Crow] American Gothic: The Next Generation.

- [Man On Loudspeaker] Commencing restoration

of protective environment enclosure.

All residents to remain in emergency underground shelters.

- [Tom] All freakazoid robots report to the dance floor.

- [Emily] Oh great, now the space mosquitoes are getting in.

(Crow groans)

- [Crow] You know, when the oboes start,

everything is about to get just a little bit better.

- [Tom] Yeah, Joe Rogan had a guy on last week

talking about chem trails, man...

- [Emily] Blank Stares: The Motion Picture.

♪ Highway to the Angel Zone ♪

♪ Angel Zone ♪

- Lomax, status on dome repair, please.

- [Lomax] Dome repair near completion.

Repressurization will commence upon structural test.

Stand by.

I have visual communication with Delta 3.

(solemn music)

- [Crow] Oh no, the Dark Tower movie!

Oh, phew, it's only Jack Palance.

(Tom sighs)

- This is Omus, robot master on Delta 3.

- [Emily] Give or take.

- I would like to talk to Dr. John Caball.

- Yes, Omus, this is Caball.

- Ah, Doctor.

- [Tom] If that is your real name.

- You remember me?

- Oh yes, indeed.

Now where's Niki?

I want to talk to your superior.

- My superior?

Oh.

Yes, you mean the former governor of Delta 3.

- [Crow] She's busy.

- I'm afraid Niki and her followers have fled the citadel.

- [Emily] Oh, he takes his time.

- I am in control now.

- Well, in that case, you know what just happened?

One of your cargo ships crashed into New Washington.

- But of course. - Hon hon hon!

- That was my plan.

- [Emily] What a dickweed!

- Omus.

This is Senator Smedley of the Moon Council.

What is it you want?

- [Crow] I want breakfast for dinner.

- I have made giant strides in technology, Senator.

- [Tom] Belgian waffles.

- I can bring a new, and more efficient

way of life to the moon.

- [Emily] D'Moon?

- Well, that's certainly encouraging.

Omus, you haven't answered the question.

- You mean, what do I really want, Doctor?

- [Crow] I'll tell you what I want,

what I really, really want.

- Your respect, of course. - Zig-a-zig-ah.

- And your support

(Tom imitating flatulence)

For my return to the moon colony.

- Return?

In what capacity?

- As supreme commander of the moon, the Earth...

- [Emily] And Assistant Regional Manager.

- And all the outposts in our solar system.

Well, that, of course, is out of the question.

- If that is your reaction, Senator-

- [Crow] If that is your real name.

- You will be hearing much more from me.

Beginning immediately- - After this pause.

- There will be no further shipments of RADIC-Q-2.

- This is madness!

You're talking more like a blackmailer

than a man of science!

- John, don't provoke him.

- Now listen to me, Omus.

We will never surrender New Washington,

to you or anyone else.

- [Emily] Probably.

- Even if it means war.

- [Smedley] John, you don't have the authority

to make that decision.

- Don't talk of war.

My dear doctor.

- It's gauche.

- It would be disastrous.

- [Emily] And tawdry.

- As tragic as the robot wars that devastated

the Earth planet.

Please. - Please!

- Consider my proposal.

- You mean your threat?!

- [Emily] Smoke bomb.

- [Man On Intercom] Lunar Control?

- [Tom] He looks good.

Was he wearing a cape?

- [Man On Intercom] Lunar Control, this is sector 20.

We found the pilot.

- [Crow] Might wanna bring a sponge.

- It's wedged in here.

May take a while to get it out.

- What do you mean it? - A robot.

- Send it to robot repair as soon as possible.

- [Emily] Pitter-patter, let's get at 'er.

- See you later, I'm gonna go take a look

at this suicide robot.

- [Tom] Save me some.

- [Crow] Mind if we play through?

- Hmm.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

- [Emily] Do not mock my pain.

- Let's see if we can't put you back together again.

- [Tom] Why won't you let me die?

- Lomax.

What is your opinion?

How do we handle this emergency?

- [Crow] Punt.

- [Lomax] From data stored in computer backfills,

it would seem that an act of aggression on our part

would impurdent.

- Lomax, you authorized the building of Starstreak.

- [Viewers] Remember?

- And defensive purposes only.

Even so, the ship has never been fully tested.

- [Emily] Oh good, Larry's back from Regal Beagle.

- Well, Kim, you were right.

There was something weird about that circuitry.

The robot was programmed to blow himself up.

This one will turn him into a pussycat.

- [Crow] It's a mix tape.

- Okay, get the tapes, quick. - Tapes.

(Tom breathing heavily)

- [Emily] Sony Minidiscs?

You're useless, Kyle.

- Okay, let's give him a jolt.

- [Tom] What are they doing, Emily?

Is he gonna be okay?

- I don't know what they called you on Delta 3,

but I'm gonna call you Sparks.

- [Crow] I'm gonna call you Lipgloss.

- You're working!

♪ You don't know me ♪

- I am self-adjusting.

- New circuits, new circuits. - Give him another jolt.

- [Tom] Oh, Emily, make her stop!

- [Emily] It's okay, guys.

- You are the dark lady of my sonnets.

The lily of my valley.

- Yeah, you can call me Kim.

Looks like I made a poet out of you, friend.

- [Crow] Here's a poem, lady.

Hickory Dickory Dock!

- [Bots] Oh!

- [Emily] All right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cut the wheel.

Cut the wheel if you've got room and, oh, okay, that's good.

That's good.

And park.

- [Tom] Chernobyl for a prom theme, what were they thinking?

- [Crow] All right, you're gonna wanna cook me

at 350 degrees for about 70 minutes.

You'll know when I'm done when a fork

easily pierces my skin.

Load me up with butter and don't skimp on the chives.

I'm a potato.

(Tom chuckles)

- [Woman On Loudspeaker] Danger.

Extreme radiation- - Time limit 60?

Well, 60 what?

Seconds, minutes, hours?

Help us out here.

- [Tom] "The Secret of Monkey Island."

Yeah, that'll be fun.

- Hey, Sparks.

This should complete your history course.

- [Crow] Sparks is hot for teacher.

- My dark lady of the sonnets.

Now I have something to show you.

- Whoa! - Whoa!

- No, no, no, no, no, no. - You know.

Watch this.

- [Emily] Oh, good god, what have I wrought?

(device whirring)

(Crow imitates whirring)

- How was that?

- [Tom] Don't lie or I'll know.

- It's terrific.

What do you call it?

- Bi-Locational Transference.

BLT for short.

- [Crow] Ooh, that's cute.

- Whatever you say.

- [Emily] Oh, is that one of them fancy European bidets

folks been talking about?

- [Crow] Oh, you mean for rinsing off your downstairs area?

- [Emily] Yah, for the undercarriage.

I guess it's coming up right out

of the bathroom floor there.

- [Tom] Oh, it's from Kohler.

They do such a nice job. - Oh, yeah.

Oh yeah.

- [Woman On Loudspeaker] Please be advised,

sensors indicate fuel rods are overheating.

Stability region has been surpassed

and spectrum drive fuel pile is approaching meltdown point.

Emergency cooling system must be reinforced

with auxiliary supply of moderator.

- [Emily] Aw, Uncle Myron sent us

a really nice box of steaks.

This is nice.

There must be 12 Montacos in there,

bacon-wrapped scallops, 10 pounds of sirloin?

We feast tonight!

- [Crow] Ah, crap, what's the combination again?

- [Lomax] Unauthorized presence on Starstreak.

Determine whereabouts of all senior personnel.

- [Tom] There are no small parts.

This is going on my reel!

- [Emily] What is happening?

- [Crow] Whatever it is, they can't afford to show it.

- Kim? - I made water.

- That's the pilot? - Yeah.

Well, I've sort of shored him up, reprogrammed him.

He really does some incredible things.

- Hello, Jason.

(device whirring)

- [Emily] Peace!

- [Crow] He only appears next to trash.

(device whirring)

(viewers groan)

- I see.

Listen, my father's up to something involving Starstreak.

I may need your help.

- Okay, what do you want me to do?

- Just come with me.

It won't take too long. - All right.

- [Tom] Phrasing!

- No, Sparks, you gotta stay here.

- Whither thou goest, I will go.

- He's sort of attached to me.

- Bring him along, he might be useful.

- [Crow] Friend zone to the end zone, Sparks.

(doors whirring and banging)

- [GPC] Live from the Lavender Room at the fabulous

Simulator of Laughs comes the Riffers Club Roast of Sparks!

Please welcome the little red robot

who won't work blue, Tom Servo!

(people clapping) (Tom chuckling)

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

And good evening.

Well, I guess it's always evening when you're lost in space.

Ooh, speaking of lost in space, hey, B9!

The show's up here!

You blithering, blundering, bungling bucket of bolts.

Hey, hey now, hey, you always roast the bots you love,

which is why I haven't mentioned C3PO.

Look at this guy.

Who are your parents, anyway?

An Academy Award and Boobo the owl?

(rimshot beats)

Speaking of the droids we aren't looking for,

give a warm welcome to a fun guy from outer space,

Crow T. Robot.

(Crow laughing)

- Hey!

All right.

Give it up for Servo, or as I like to call him,

Bryant No Gumball.

(rimshot beats)

So, Sparks.

Why do you get a dinner?

Wall-E, who knew trash talk better than anyone,

he never got a dinner.

BB8, who always had a ball, because he was one.

They never got a dinner, but Sparks,

you suck more than a pig pen full of Roombas.

I'm Crow that's my time Robot.

- Now, there's nothing PC about our next roaster.

Give it up for GPC!

- Oh, thanks, I'm coming.

I'm coming.

I'm coming.

Hey Crow. - Yeah?

- I wish you'd BLT. - Huh?

- Be less terrible.

I'm not joking.

Crow's jokes are staler than a breakfast burrito

at a vampire restaurant. - Eh?

- Because they only come out at night

so they don't eat breakfast.

I'm saying you suck!

(audience gasping)

- Oh, hey.

According to Asimov's First Law of Roastbotics,

you're only supposed to pretend to be mean.

- Okay, okay.

Listen to me.

Jokes aside, let me be serious for a moment.

Crow.

You're not funny!

- Okay, GPC!

Hitting the battery acid hard tonight.

- I feel great.

Woo!

- And now, duck, everyone.

'Cause Sparks is getting his turn.

Hmm?

Oh.

Tonight, Sparks's wife Tawny will be speaking for him.

Guess the thing to come is stage fright.

Oh, you can have it.

- Most of you are unaware that due to a recent power surge,

my husband Sparks can no longer speak.

They gave him three months before his batteries shut down,

and the technicians say it's quite irreparable.

But thank you.

Thank you for this evening.

I know that he appreciates it,

and even I know that if he could speak,

he would also tell you thank you.

So thank you, everyone.

(people clapping)

- Way to kill the bit, Emily.

- Hey, well excuse me for wanting to show my range.

Okay, Crow? (alarm blaring)

(bots shouting)

- We got movie sign!

(doors whirring and banging)

(alarm beeping)

He's been in there for a long time.

It's been well over 70, the poor guy.

- [Crow] Oh.

- [Tom] Do not go in there.

- [Woman On Loudspeaker] You have been exposed

to extremely high radiation levels.

Immediate treatment with RADIC-Q-2 imperative.

- [Crow] Ugh, where's the snooze button?

- [Woman On Loudspeaker] Exposed to

extremely high radiation levels.

Immediate treatment with RADIC-Q-2 imperative.

- [Emily] Oh, Miss Thompson, I don't feel well.

Can I go to the nurse?

- [Crow] Ugh, I always get lost in this Ikea.

- [Tom] What?

Nothing!

- Dr. Caball.

- [Caball] Kim, what are you doing here?

- What's this all about?

- I'm taking Starstreak to Delta 3.

- But we have orders from Lomax.

- The Master Computer is wrong.

Soft words now could destroy us.

I'm going to stop Omus, by myself if I have to.

- You won't have to do it by yourself.

- Well, I was rather counting on your help, son.

- [Emily] I didn't mean me.

- Thanks.

- I'm going too.

- I would like to help.

- [Crow] I know close up magic.

- Oh, hello.

Who's your shiny friend?

- That's Sparks.

- [Tom] M'lady.

- Well, all right, the four of us, then.

- [Emily] I call shotgun.

- But we have to launch immediately.

- No, we're not ready.

I gotta do a pre-flight check.

- No, I'm afraid we don't have...

(device whirring) - Sparks, ew.

- I've located Dr. Caball.

Visual scanners on Starstreak activated.

- [Tom] Sorry, wrong slide.

- Lomax has tracked us here.

Son, we've gotta go now, or not at all.

- Sir.

Countdown to ignition.

- Now, Mr. Sparks.

- Sequence for launch. - Lunch?

- [Crow] Mm, yum yum.

- Similar to those on cargo ships,

but much more sophisticated.

- Dr. Caball, I detect a need for medication.

- Yeah, well just keep that to yourself,

Sparks, you understand?

(crow imitating tense music)

I'm going to the jump seat.

- [Kim] 28.

27.

26.

- [Crow] 23 skiddoo.

- [Tom] And lo, did the first intergalactic panini press

stretch toward the stars.

- Preparing for takeoff.

Lomax, you've got stop them.

- [Emily] Hold me.

- One.

Ignition. - Boop.

- My god. (Tom chuckling)

Lomax. - Yes?

- What are their chances of reaching Delta 3?

- [Lomax] Percentages do not favor a successful journey.

Disaster through malfunction predicted.

- [Emily] But you can shake me and ask again later.

- Oh god, no.

- [Crow] Set course for up.

- [Sparks] Leveling out.

- [Kim] 3277, course set for Delta 3.

- [Sparks] Gylectron compass reading normal.

- [Tom] Okay, Caball, you got this.

They don't know you're high.

One foot in front of the other.

They don't know you're high.

Hell, I'm definitely not high!

Dammit.

- Well, we're on our way.

Out there is the vastness of space.

The unknown.

- [Crow] It's only a model.

- Where all possibilities exist.

Man's future is limited only by his imagination.

- [Sparks] Correct pulse ratio 0.004.

- [Emily] I was having a moment, Sparks, read the room.

- And how about you, Sparks?

- [Tom] Feeling crashy?

- What do you think?

- It's better than a Delta 3 cargo ship, Doctor.

(Crow laughing) - No he didn't!

- [Crow] Oh, snap!

- I wonder what happened to Niki.

Hope she's all right.

- [Emily] Meanwhile, on the galaxy's

largest Everlasting Gobstopper.

- Oh, it burns! (Tom groaning)

Oh, it burns.

- [Tom] Attention, all personnel.

Father Mulcahy's charity rumble to raise funds

for the orphanage will commence at 0800 hours.

That is all.

- [Emily] Man, the Mork from Ork auditions

were a lot more competitive than I'd been led to believe.

- [Crow] I'll say.

Boot to the head, boot to the head, boot to the head.

- I think we're ready now, Niki.

- [Tom] We've removed all the leaves.

- Listen, everybody!

- [Emily] One, two, three, eyes on me.

- We must get back into the citadel.

We have to send a message out somehow.

- We should get through the tunnels all right,

but the citadel itself it's like a fortress.

- I think that there's a way through the abandoned caverns

into the power plant.

- Okay, come on, let's go!

- [Crow] These jumpsuits won't sneak themselves

back into the Battlestar Galactica wardrobe trailer.

- [Tom] They've got PVC pipes and they're

not afraid to use them.

- [Emily] If you lived here, you'd be home by now.

- [Crow] Full Metal Jack and the Beanstalk.

- [Tom] Saruman's Pez dispenser.

- [Emily] Go for Omus.

- [Crow] Oh no, someone fed Daft Punk after midnight.

- [Robot] Robot master.

We've completed the mining right through two

and tunnel four.

- [Omus] Excellent.

- [Robot] Request your immediate inspection.

- Everything is falling neatly into place.

- [Tom] Nap time.

- [Emily] The EDM conference is being held

on the set of "Land of the Lost" this year.

- [Tom] Hmm.

- [Crow] Hello, New Cleveland!

- [Tom] The password is Fidelio.

- So far no sign of Omus's robots.

- I know, but you'll have to move fast, Niki.

- When I get into the center, I'm not gonna need much time.

- Tell them we can't hold out much longer.

Good luck. - Thanks.

- [Crow] I must say, this film is having a good hair day.

- [Emily] Oh yeah, especially Zach Braff here.

(door squeaking)

- [Tom] So much for the element of surprise.

- [Emily] Good thing for her she's found

the main Prell pipeline.

(Crow imitates hissing and groaning)

The Converse kitten heel, from steam tunnels

to generator arrays, they're the stealthy, stylish choice

for deposed governors on the go.

- [Tom] Time to make the robots.

- [Croew] Whew!

That was not even remotely close.

- [Emily] Hair's still bouncing and behaving good.

(tense music)

- [Tom] First floor, housewares, linens, killer robots.

- [Crow] Hot implied elevator action.

- [Tom] I'll say it, I don't get Frank Gehry, okay?

His buildings are too whack-a-doo for me.

Just gimme four walls and a roof, Frank.

- Ooh, chocolate walls.

Are they in Hershey, Pennsylvania?

- Hey, New Washington!

It's Niki in the Morning with a 40 minute rock block

coming at you.

- Calling New Washington, calling New Washington.

This is Niki, the governor of Delta 3.

Calling New Washington!

This is the Delta 3 citadel, Niki calling.

We need some assistance.

We need some assistance!

- [Crow] Your call is very important to us.

Please listen closely as our menu options have changed.

If you prefer dark chocolate, press one.

If you prefer milk chocolate, press two.

- [Tom] Come on, baby, don't be like that.

I said I was sorry.

- [Emily] Niki with the Irish goodbye.

- [Crow] Back down the Wonkavator and I'm home free.

- [Tom] Who touched my stuff?

- What's this?

The channels are open to New Washington.

- This is New Washington.

We hear you, Niki.

Proceed with your message. - Wait, my name's not Niki.

(Emily humming "The Girl from Ipanema")

- Sound general alarm.

- [Tom] And call Major League!

Nobody gets my jokes.

- [Emily] Oh, looks like she's got her Sketchers on now.

Confident strides.

- [Crow] Of all the days I don't wear my Fitbit!

Whee!

I'm getting so many steps in.

- [Tom] Please spare a moment to discuss

these high quality science based nutrition products

from Herbalife and how you can join our growing team.

- [Crow] Oops, that's coming out of his paycheck.

- I couldn't get through!

- Damn!

- [Emily] Freeze!

Okay, now we need an occupation.

- [Bots] We are that box from Texaco.

We work from Maine to Mexico.

- [Emily] Aw, we should have hired a fight choreographer.

What were we thinking?

(tense music)

- [Tom] Canadian Public Television presents

"Seven Brides for Seven Robots."

- Come on, move it!

Let's go!

- [Emily] Don't you quit on me, Big Theresa!

- [Crow] Quick, cheese it before his mom gets home.

- Mark Hamill, Big Theresa, Wonderbra guy,

Wednesday Adams, the Pieta twins, Bondage Nic Cage,

and Monica Rambeau.

- Two more dead.

What now?

- I'm not sure, Merrick.

♪ Let me take you on a little trip ♪

♪ My super sonic ship is at your disposal ♪

♪ If you feel so inclined ♪

♪ Well all right ♪

- [Crow] Fries are up.

- [Sparks] Doctor?

- [Tom] Doctor, give me the news.

I've got a bad case of loving you.

- [Sparks] We have malfunctions

of the gylectron compass, auto guidance systems,

and the contra-flow units.

- [Emily] Great, good talk, Sparks.

(solemn music)

- Gonna have to set down.

- Well, we can't go back to the moon.

- There's only one place we can go to make repairs.

- [Viewers] Broadway!

- Set coordinates for Vector 759.

There's an old emergency tanker station there.

More or less abandoned now, but the guidance beacon

ought to be in working order.

- Is there anyone living in the area?

- Yeah.

Charlie Montgomery, an old friend of mine,

sort of guard caretaker at the station.

- [Tom] Sparks used to hand double for this.

- Seven years since the last of the great robot wars

and the end of the civilization as we had known it.

- [Emily] And I feel fine.

- Funny, I still think of myself as an Earth child.

- [Tom] Emily, do you still think of yourself

as an Earth child?

- [Emily] Oh, I don't know.

Ask me after I've been here for seven years.

- [Crow] No human has ever lived here that long.

Just ask the other guys. - Wait, what?

- [Tom] This shot warrants a harp?

- [Sparks] Shut down completed.

I'll stay with you, Doctor, and help with your repairs.

- [Caball] All right.

- [Emily] And no one knows you are dying.

- We'll see if we can find Charlie Montgomery.

- Sure, give him my regards.

Tell him he owes me a rematch at chess.

- Okay. - Bye.

- [Crow] Oh, I see litter has finally become

sentient on Earth, those used to be Hefty bags.

- [Tom] Camp Crystal Lake.

This is gonna be a fun summer.

- [Emily] Your lungs look great in this fresh air, Jason.

- [Crow] Beyond Mercury, but before you reach the stars,

there's a radiation-rich planet that's waiting just for you.

- [Emily] Lush autumnal hues, desolate outposts

and abandoned war surplus beckon,

just begging to be explored.

♪ You'll fall in love with New Earth ♪

- [Emily] Okay, now you keep quiet.

I'm gonna try and haggle him down to $50 for that Jeep.

- [Crow] In this film, we hope to show you

how not to be seen.

- What's wrong? - I hungee.

- I don't know.

- [Crow] I hungee too.

- [Emily] I spy with my little eye something that's brown.

- Well, come on, let's take a look inside.

- Whoa, visible panty lines. - Whoa.

(knocking on door)

- Charlie? - Occupado!

- Charlie Montgomery?

- [Emily] You've been served.

- He must be around someplace.

- [Tom] Well, that narrows it down.

- How's the equipment?

- Seems to be all right.

I'm gonna go check the tower.

- Okay. - I have a boyfriend.

- Mind how you go.

- Okay.

- [Crow] "Mind how you go?"

God, why can't I talk to girls?

- [Emily] Man, I hate coming home for Thanksgiving.

- [Tom] Say what you will about brutalism,

it holds up during a robot war.

- [Crow] Mm-hmm.

♪ Rolling, rolling, rolling. ♪

♪ Keep those trash bags rolling ♪

- [Emily] The scent of things to come.

The new fragrance by Calvin Klein.

- [Tom] My hair will catch a better breeze up here.

- [Crow] Better one or better two?

Better one?

- [Emily] Top of the world, Ma!

I've always wanted to say that.

- [Tom] Kim, remember your training.

Always bring a Scrunchy.

- [Crow] Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy!

- [Tom] Hefty, Hefty, Hefty!

- [Emily] Well, back down into harm's way.

- [Crow] Whee.

- He must have some tools around someplace.

- [Emily] Try looking in the mirror.

(bots laugh)

- [Tom] Kristin Wiig is Cheryl Ladd as Lindsay Wagner

in "The Bionic Woman."

- [Emily] I thought they'd have at least

have some corn nuts or something.

- [Tom] Let's see what's behind curtain number three!

- [Crow] The Libyans shot me, Marty!

- [Emily] Kim, I found someone to play chess with!

- Kim?

This is Jason calling Starstreak.

Come in, please, Starstreak.

- [Tom] Darn it all.

If I get one more of these robocalls, I'm gonna lose it.

- Yes, what is it, Jason?

- I found a dead body in the Earth station.

- [Emily] Can I keep him?

- Charlie?

- Afraid so, and that's not all.

- He smells. - I can't seem to locate Kim.

- What do you mean?

- I don't know, she disappeared.

- [Caball] Dis...

- Oh sir, I've got a vehicle here.

I don't know if I can get it running, though.

- It's rough terrain, you'll need it.

I'm gonna send Sparks to help you.

- Okay, out.

(device whirring)

- [Crow] Oh.

- What took you so long?

- [Sparks] I'm a little out of condition.

- [Emily] Sparks, you're the best.

- Detectors locate Kim's vital signs

three kilometers west two quadrant.

- Oh yeah, she alone?

- I can't get an exact reading,

but I'm picking up a high radiation level in this area.

- [Tom] Well, that explains my new toe.

- Well, hop in, unless you wanna walk.

(device whirring)

- [Crow] Why doesn't Sparks just BLT to Kim?

- [Emily] All right, that's your only question?

- Stop doing that.

Hold on.

(viewers singing "Benny Hill Theme")

- [Tom] Looks like they ran out of plot.

- [Sparks] I detect a malfunction

in the H2O containment system.

- [Emily] Gah, it burns!

When will I learn?

- Now? What?

- [Crow] I'm useless.

(device whirring)

- [Sparks] I'm picking up Kim.

All life function seem intact, but she isn't alone.

Sensors also detect higher radiation levels ahead.

- [Emily] Robot knees apparently not in the budget.

- [Tom] Mm-mm.

- Stop, Jason. - I just thought of a haiku.

- [Sparks] Let me lead the way.

- [Emily] Aw.

That's sweet.

Would you guys ever escort me into

a dangerous unknown situation?

- [Tom] I'd walk with you so I could

better criticize your choices.

- [Crow] I'd let you walk in front of me

so you could shield me from the worst of the shrapnel.

- [Tom] And I'd definitely film the whole thing

for Worldstar Hip Hop.

- [Bots] Worldstar!

(doors whirring and banging)

- Welcome to the Shape of Crimes to Come,

the podcast where we exploit the real pain and suffering

of violent crime so you have something

to listen to on your commute.

Sponsored by Colon Friend Soy Tea, the tea you can chew.

The Earth.

The future,

Charlie Montgomery, an accused chess player,

is found dead in his shower in an otherwise boring scene

that we've adapted into a five-episode podcast

plus a possible Netflix series.

On today's episode, who made Charlie Montgomery

cry out checkmate to life?

For more, I'm talking to Tom Servo,

self-taught forensic scientist,

amateur UFC fighter, and host of the podcast

Servo Up the Truth on Ludacrous XM.

- Hey, Emily.

Sup?

You're welcome for having me.

Sorry.

I'm funny a lot.

Anyway, when I was at the gym this morning

bench pressing 230, a personal record,

I had an epiphany.

Dr. Caball said that Charlie, what's his name?

- Montgomery.

- Whatever.

Anyway, he said he owed him a chess rematch.

Well, I saw a tweet about a YouTube video

from a guy who heard on Reddit that chess uses knights,

and you know what else happened at night?

Watergate.

- Fascinating.

But what does that actually mean?

- Look, I'm just picking up the puzzle pieces.

You gotta put 'em together.

It's all in my book, "Lifting Weights and Lifting Truth:

Real Talk From a Guy Who Never Claimed to be an Expert,"

by Tom "I bench 230" Servo.

- If you're just joining us, which would be weird,

this is a podcast, we've been hearing from someone

who was nowhere near the crime scene.

And speaking of someone who was

nowhere near the crime scene, we turn to the host

of the podcast Delta 411, Whoever Smelta It, Delta It

on the Niblet network.

Crow T. Robot.

- I cannot believe you made that snake oil salesman

your first guest.

I'm the one who tied the Montgomery murder

to Area 51, 52, and 53.

Plus the quote-unquote moon landing.

- Aha, I see.

But we're literally in space right now.

- Your space, not my space.

And what does my space have to do with this?

Of course, the internet!

Boom!

If I had a mic, I'd drop it on your foot.

- Yeah, it all makes sense.

- Yes.

Wait.

- Purple cape plus two pieces of flare.

Read between the bling, sheeple!

- Those pauses between sentences.

That's where he stores the bodies.

- And what is he really saying in the times

he's not saying anything?

- Oh, I agree.

- Well, I don't.

I trust no one.

Not even me!

- Well, this goes all the way to the top, the north pole!

(Crow gasps)

- [Bots] Santa!

- Intermission sign.

And just when we were getting somewhere.

- What does intermission not want us to know?

Huh, huh?

What does it mean!

- It's all connected.

Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television.

- Oh, and Billy Joel was the original conspiracy podcaster?

Wow.

- Sing me a crime piano, man.

- Oh.

- Ahem.

Welcome back to the Shape of Crimes to Come,

the only podcast with an intermission.

- Sup.

- Let's take a moment to talk about Colon Friends Soy Tea,

the tea with real crunch.

- Actually, Emily, Colon Friend pulled their support

after last segment, they were comfortable

talking about Areas 51 and 53, but Area 52

really scared them.

- You don't wanna mess with military-industrial

beverage complex!

- Why, do you think they're a part of it?

- Why not?

It's all made up anyway.

- Are we in danger?!

(alarm blaring) (all shouting)

- We got movie sign!

We didn't start the fire!

(doors whirring and banging)

(tense music)

Whoa, they made it to Burning Man.

- [Crow] The Playa provides, dude.

- [Emily] Hey, you can back off on the timpani

a little there, Gustav Holst.

- [Bots] Surprise!

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday dear ♪

- Jason!

Jason!

- Kim, get behind these cars!

- Jason, what's wrong? - Come on, Kim!

- They're not gonna hurt you!

They only want our help.

- What do you mean.

- They're children.

- [Tom] And they're covered in dank,

high-grade medical marijuana.

(solemn music)

- [Crow] He wants you too, Malachai.

- [Emily] Jim Henson's Sniper Babies.

- [Crow] Ugh, you haven't been picking at this, have you?

- [Tom] Is that a map to dry land?

- [Crow] I hope this isn't contagious, ugh.

- [Jason] These children must be survivors

of the great robot war.

- [Crow] You can tell because of their army jackets.

- [Jason] They must have been taken from the city

just before it started.

- [Tom] I've had to Truffle Shuffle just to survive.

- [GPC] This harshes my mellow.

- I don't believe this.

These kids must have been living out here for years.

- [Crow] Even months.

- You all right?

- Fine. - Bonk.

- I was scared. - Yeah.

- [GPC] Totes.

- I found a dead body in the Earth station.

It was Charlie.

- The children told me. - Through dance!

- He was trying to help them.

Jason, they're sick, very sick.

- Yeah.

- Radiation.

- [Tom] And too much screen time.

- Hey, don't be afraid.

Sparks is our friend.

- [Sparks] I guess they still have a fear of robots

after what they did to this world.

These old weapons are leaking toxic substances.

- [Crow] Ugh.

- [Sparks] I suggest the children be treated

with RADIC-Q-2 as soon as possible.

I'll be going back to the ship now.

- [Crow] I hate kids.

- Jason, let's get the kids out of here.

- Let's get back to the ship.

- Come on, kids.

- [Crow] We're with mutant protective services.

- [Sparks] We must inform Jason and Kim of your condition.

- Oh, they've got enough to do without worrying about me.

Anyway.

I feel fine.

- [Tom] In my baby bjorn.

No, I managed this far, and I'll make it through the end.

- [Crow] Oh, I forgot you graduated from John Hopkins,

Dr. Curie.

- [Jason] This is Jason calling Starstreak,

come in, please, Starstreak.

- [Crow] So it's called Kidz Bop.

We do radio-friendly covers of pop songs

and take out all the dirty stuff.

- [Jason] We're on our way back to the ship.

- Affirmative. - All right, out.

- Jason, would you just listen to me?

- We've gotta get back to the ship

and back on our way to Delta 3.

- These children need our help.

- [Tom] Take a knee, Legolas Squad.

- Look, we can't go back the moon now.

We can't take these children with us.

- [GPC] I just ate the laws of the Teddy Grahams.

- We can get to Delta 3, we can pick up a supply of RADIC

and be back here in a few days.

That's the best chance these kids have got,

and you know that.

- [Crow] Well, just put on a Blippi video, they'll be fine.

- Yeah.

- [Tom] She bought it.

- [GPC] Oh, I should have never eaten

those jalapeno poppers!

- [Sparks] All secure here.

- Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

- [Crow] And so another gathering

of the Young Carol Channings concludes.

- [Tom] Set course for I'm outta here...

- [Sparks] Correct compass ratio 0.289.

- [GPC] That's A, right?

Did it.

- Activate pulse generators for force shield.

- [Crow] Word salad activated.

- [Sparks] Pulse generator activated.

- Good.

- [Tom] I sort of asked for an epidural.

- [GPC] Oh.

Do they have HR in space?

- Initiating spectrum drive.

- [Crow] Plunge it, Chewie.

(tense music)

- [Tom] Activating "Night on Bald Mountain."

(tense music)

(bots murmuring)

- [GPC] Whoever heard of a planet that wasn't round?

- [Sparks] Force shield functioning as programed.

- Strange experience.

I don't feel anything. - I'm a psychopath.

- And we're approaching the speed of light.

- It's just incredible.

- [Sparks] As a matter of fact, I feel very comfortable.

- [Viewers] Nobody asked.

(triumphant music)

- [GPC] Hey, what would you call an almost perfect

rip off of the USS Enterprise?

- [Tom] The USS Compromise.

- Hey. (Crow laughs)

- [Sparks] No deviation from set flight path, path, path,

path, path, path, path, path, path, path, path, path,

path, path, path, path, path, path, path, path, path.

- [GPC] Sick remix, Sparks.

- Okay, take it easy, Sparks.

- [GPC] I'll just recalibrate your Diplo.

- I'll reprogram a better self-adjusting tape for you

when we get back to the moon.

- [GPC] Get a space room, you two.

- [Crow] Have a great summer.

Love, Kim.

Here you go.

(Sparks sparking)

- [Sparks] Pattern.

Thank you.

- Anytime, Sparks.

- [Tom] Friends.

- [GPC] Meanwhile, on the planet Superball,

in the Frisbee Cluster.

- [Crow] They said it's about a 45 minute wait

for the table, but they gave me this buzzer.

- I hope we have enough parts here.

It's our last hope to send a signal out into space.

- [Tom] Oh no, they found us in the same place,

hiding in plain sight!

- Run away! - Run away!

(GPC imitating horse hooves clacking)

- [Crow] These are the voyages of the USS (snoring).

- [Tom] The Blog of Things to Come.

- [Sparks] Look at this.

- [GPC] You know, office chairs and seat belts

really don't mix. - Yeah.

- [Crow] What up, nerd?

- [Sparks] It's on replay.

- [Emily] You've invented the screensaver.

Congrats, Sparks.

- [Jason] It's unbelievable.

- [Viewers] Oh! (humming)

- [Sparks] I detect we are in some danger.

I suggest a course alteration.

- [Crow] Pretty buttons.

- Now what's that?

- [Sparks] Nothing serious.

A minor malfunction in the spectrum drive auto locks.

- [Tom] It's covered by AppleCare.

- I'm gonna make a systems check.

- [Sparks] Not necessary.

Everything's under control.

- [GPC] Seriously, step off.

(dramatic music)

- [Crow] Pizza cutters in space!

- [Tom] How to Pretend You're Not Dying, Chapter One.

- [Caball] Hi.

- Hi.

- [GPC] I notice you're not wearing

the sweater I got you for Space Christmas.

- What's that?

- [GPC] My last will and testament.

- Well, this is a very old book,

rescued from the Earth museum many years ago.

- Must be very rare.

- Oh yes, it is, yes.

Most of them were destroyed, of course.

Some of them survived and in memory baffles,

but that's the real thing.

- [Tom] Smell that deforestation.

- What's it about?

- About, well.

- [GPC] 200 pages, zing.

- Well, it's about your people.

An ancient country called Greece.

- [Crow] Greece is the word.

- There were a bunch of philosophers,

and they, well, they...

- [GPC] Philosophated?

- They tried to understand the nature of the universe.

- [GPC] Turns out it's 42.

- Their own imagination, but what an imagination it was.

- [Crow] Luscious.

Curvy.

- Their vision.

Their ideas.

- [Tom] Their yogurt.

- Never cease to amaze me.

Pay no attention.

I'm just a musty old professor, lecturing to myself.

- [GPC] You do stink a bit.

- You're much more than that.

- Well, you don't have to humor me

just 'cause I'm an old man, you know.

- [Crow] Okay then, bye!

- You're the youngest man I know.

- [Tom] Well, in this room, anyway.

- Thank you.

- [Crow] She's sweet.

I'll eat her last.

- [Sparks] I'm getting an intense gravitational pull

on my readouts. - If you know what I mean.

(Crow laughing)

- Onboard computer reports proximity

of an enormous magnetic field.

- What do you suggest, Sparks?

- [Tom] Bulk erase some tapes?

- Counter with equal push.

We'll have to increase spectrum drive.

- [GPC] Pushing the thingy-doo.

- 002.

- 002.

- Locked in.

- I've got 004, Jason.

- No, 002.

- [Crow] Oh, let's not fight.

- We're still increasing. - It just can't be.

- [GPC] They're being sucked into a Spencer's Gifts!

(viewers gasping)

- [Crow] Oh, oh no.

- We're going out of control.

- [Tom] And the clock radio's going nuts!

- Sparks?

The switches are jammed.

Give me manual override.

- [GPC] For the record, I still feel quite comfortable.

- [Sparks] Negative, it won't release.

- What do you mean, negative?

- [Crow] Google it, flesh bag!

- I can't bring the speed down.

Spectrum drive, we're locked into it.

- [Tom] Anyone need some philosophy?

- [Sparks] Closing rapidly on magnetic field.

- We're gonna break up.

- [Crow] Oh...

- [GPC] Oh, better get back in barfin' chair.

♪ There's no earthly way of knowing ♪

♪ Which direction we are going ♪

- [Crow] No, somebody activate the Steadicam, please.

- [GPC] I think this is what it looks like

to be inside of Seth Rogen.

- [Tom] I should have taken audition at "Knott's Landing."

- [GPC] Oops, the effects budget is burning out.

(GPC groaning)

- [Crow] Will you go out with me?

- [Tom] I only like you as as a friend.

- [Crow] Okay.

Can we still hang out?

- [Tom] Actually, I'm gonna be real busy for a while.

I'll call you though, okay?

- [Emily] All right, quick pull out every drug reference

you've ever learned.

- [Crow] Joke 'em if ya got 'em.

- [Tom] I can taste every color I've ever seen.

- [GPC] Why did I eat so much Dollar Store sushi?

- [Crow] They've flown into a vape shop.

- [Tom] Kim's pulling those chunky fat cotton rips.

- [GPC] Jason's really cranked down on the ohms.

- [Crow] Bro, Sparks mixes his own juice!

- [Tom] Caball blows that dragon's breath.

- [GPC] Oh, now I want cotton candy for some reason.

- [Crow] The ship cannot take much more to this, cap'n.

She's, oh, nevermind.

- What the hell was that all about?

- [Tom] Seconded.

- [Sparks] I believe we have been through time dilation.

- [Crow] First one's free.

- Kim.

Kim? - Please don't be old.

- Kim. - What...

Was I time dilating?

- We rode it out.

We're still in one piece.

- [GPC] We killed two minutes of screen time, too.

- [Sparks] Correct pulse 0.004.

Decrease thruster level.

- [Viewers] Ooh!

- Drive control now reading normal.

- [Sparks] Switching off force field.

- [Tom] The Shape of Things to Push!

- [Sparks] Pulse generator deactivated.

- Jason, look.

- [Crow] Cake-Poppolis, the frosting planet.

- [Emily] Sounds like the Ren Fest is in full swing.

- [Kim] Sparks, can we have an update on our coordinates?

- [Tom] Nope, next question.

- [Sparks] Within the gravitational pull of Delta 3,

but our excessive speed has used up

most of our nuclear power.

- How bad is it, Sparks?

- [Sparks] We'll be lucky just to limp into orbit, Doctor.

- [Crow] Well, I need a hospital.

- [Sparks] Hold on, I have a monitor sighting.

- [GPC] He's playing Galaga.

- [Sparks] Delta 3 cargo ship.

The same as Phobos 4.

Robot pilot aboard, full explosive mode in the hold.

- [Tom] Give it some Immodium?

- [Caball] No doubt on another collision course

with New Washington.

- We don't have the power now to catch up and destroy it.

We could try and fire a missile.

- No, no, we haven't got the maneuverability, Jason.

- Even if we could get close, our armament system

hasn't been tested.

- [GPC] And our testament system hasn't been armed.

- It means more destruction to New Washington,

and we just have to stand by and do nothing.

- [Tom] Typical.

- I'm picking up radio signals from Delta 3.

- [GPC] Delta Dawn, what's that flower you have on?

- Can you get a fix on that, Sparks?

- [Crow] Saying "please" goes a long way, you know.

- [Sparks] I have the exact coordinates.

- All right, then, we're going down.

Prepare to disengage.

- [Tom] I'm way ahead of you, buddy.

(tense music)

♪ Sitting sideways ♪

♪ Boys in a daze ♪

♪ Sitting sideways ♪

♪ Ship's in a haze ♪

- [Crow] Hey, my pizza's here.

- [Tom] He looks so menacing in mustard.

- [Crow] Mm-hmm.

- Well, well, what do we have here?

An expedition to our fair planet.

- [Crow] Prepare the air mattresses.

- Niki, look! - I'm a Niki!

- [Tom] ant some hot goss?

- Seems to me we ought to send out

a little reception committee.

- [GPC] Oh, hello, we brought hotdish.

- [Crow] Eenie, meenie, miney, die!

- Discharge the robot electro force.

- [Tom] A-five, six, seven, eight.

♪ The Jets are gonna have their way tonight ♪

You're all doing great, keep it up.

- [GPC] Oh, it's a mandated break.

These robots have a great union.

- [Tom] Oh.

- [GPC] Visit scenic Mount Palance.

- [Omus] Emperor of Delta 3.

- [Tom] Owner of four Applebees.

- My dear Dr. Caball.

How marvelous to see you.

- [Crow] You say hi to your mother for me.

- I wanna talk to you, Omus.

In person, not just to a disembodied face.

- [GPC] Or back.

- However impressive your holographic invention.

- Ah, Doctor.

I have many impressive things to show you in my citadel.

- Like this Sit 'n Spin.

- Let's get on with it.

How do I get to the Citadel?

- [Viewers] Practice!

- It's nearby.

My guard robot will bring you.

- John, this could be dangerous.

- I'm aware of that, Niki.

- Father, please, don't try it alone.

- [Kim] It's too risky.

- [Emily] Form a subcommittee first.

- [Caball] If anyone can get to him, maybe I can.

- [Tom] Okay, which one of you porta-potties

is giving me a piggyback ride to the citadel?

(doors whirring and banging)

- So how does Sparks play the keyboard

with those weird arms?

I mean he's put out like 25 albums.

- All righty, guys.

- Ready to get reprogrammed to love?

- Love?

Who needs it?

Give me power.

- Actually, Crow, love is powerful,

but its power is a curious thing.

It can make one man weep, but another man sing.

- That's the power of love? - That's the power of love.

- But it's not really love if you program us

to feel it, right?

Doesn't true love need free will?

- Honestly, love is kind of the opposite of free will.

When you're in love, you find yourself

doing things you really don't wanna do,

like moving to Galveston or thinking you're into ska music.

- Ska music?

Well, I'm sold.

Hook me up!

- No dice.

I mean, what is love, really, anyway?

- Well, it's kind of a feeling that makes you

feel good in a way that also feels bad,

and sometimes the other way around.

- I always thought love was a disease

spread by microscopic flying babies.

- Nope, nope, nope, you're both wrong.

Love's just software nature installed in humans

to keep you from eating your own children.

- Hmm.

- But it can also make you wanna be nice to people.

- Nice to people?

Hard pass.

- But Crow, think of the beauty of love.

Even in this dumb as coal movie.

I mean, Niki's love of noisy footwear,

and Omus's love for pregnant pauses,

and Sparks's poetic love for Kim.

I mean, come on.

He even stuck by stupid, stupid Jason.

- Wait a minute.

If you adjust me, will I start loving these movies?

- Maybe.

I mean, this movie's kind of adorable,

in a factory reject beanie baby kind of way.

Maybe all it needs is a little love.

- And love will make the movie better?

- No, it'll still be bad.

You just won't be able to tell the difference anymore.

- So love makes you kind of stupid.

- As much as I regret moving to Galveston now,

Jesse's ska band was pretty good.

- Okay, I'm in!

I wanna be too dumb to know when things are bad.

- Yeah, me too.

- Actually, you kind of talked me

outta the whole idea of love.

- Oh, no no no, come on!

Dumb us down with love! (alarm blaring)

- Oh!

We got movie sign!

(doors whirring and banging)

(solemn music)

- [Crow] Well, that's one sharp looking citadel.

- [Emily] And I sure as heck never went to Tijuana

with Martin Landau again, I'll tell you what.

So anyways, is this the green room?

- [Tom] Power stance.

- [Omus] Dr. Caball.

(crow imitating chair squeaking)

- [Tom] It's a stalemate in the battle of the pauses.

- [Crow] Invisible beer?

More for me, then.

- My old mentor.

- [Emily] Old?

We're the same age.

- Considering our past relationship, Omus,

I think you owe me some sort of explanation.

- Wait until you see what I've accomplished.

- [Tom] On Candy Crush.

- It's astonishing.

Come here, Doctor.

- [Crow] Check the cape.

Jealous much?

- Come.

(Tom grunts)

- [Tom] We've switched Omus with Folgers crystals.

Let's see if Caball notices.

- [Crow] Hello, caller one, you're live

with Omus in the Dink!

- [Omus] This is a RADIC-Q-2 factory.

- [Tom] Not the best Ted Talk ever.

- [Omus] My empire.

With a network of underground tunnels.

- [Crow] The custodian comes down here to smoke.

- My mechanical warriors, mining robots

turned into obedient soldiers.

- [Emily] Are you writing this down.

- With a new circuitry to handle more sophisticated input.

- [Tom] Like McSweeneys.

- And a capacity for independent thought.

- But totally loyal to you, no doubt.

- [ Crow] You silly muffin.

- You spoke to us of a new technology of peace, not war.

- [Emily] Of weace, not pour.

- Don't you understand?

- [Tom] The one that you love loves you in so many ways.

- Once you accept me as ruler,

there will be no acts of aggression, only peace.

Under my rule, the people will want for nothing.

- Except freedom. - And free HBO.

- The moon colony will never accept a dictator.

That's one thing at least we've learned

from the history of the planet Earth.

- You insult me, Doctor.

- [Emily] Your mimosa will have a bottom.

- You are the one who inspired me,

taught me to place science above all else.

- But never above humanity!

If I didn't teach you that, then I failed you miserably.

- [Crow] Oh, the pain!

- Give up this insane plan of yours.

- But I am Omus, Emperor of Delta 3.

I don't want to hear anymore!

- [Tom] I'll be in my trailer!

- I don't think I even know you.

You're some sentimental old fool

who doesn't understand anything.

I, I am the world of the future.

You're back in some dark past.

(bots chuckling)

Even I someday may no longer be necessary.

And you...

Dr. Caball.

- [Crow] Can believe it or not.

- Are certainly no longer necessary.

- Omus, you're a sick man!

Let me help you! - I'm making smoothies.

- Let me help you. - I'm making smoothies.

- Let me- - Entertain you.

- Give you your last lesson on the power of science.

- [Emily] Oh, please be fast forwarding.

(device whirring)

- [Crow] I'm a little teapot.

- [Tom] Oh no, the Crown Roast of Doom.

It's making me do the pee pee dance!

- Drop the beat!

Drop the beat!

For the love of god, please drop the beat!

(Dr. Caball shouting) (machine whirring)

- [Crow] I've locked in freshness.

- [Emily] You know, I do the same thing

when I can't get "Baby Shark" out of my head either.

- [Tom] You're so undignified.

- [Crow] These are special stairs.

They go up and down.

- Where's your humanism now, Doctor?

- [Emily] You're standing in it.

- [Sparks] Dr. Caball.

I'm not getting any of your vital signs.

Dr. Caball, do you read me?

- [Tom] Can you hear me, Major Tom?

Can you hear me, Major Tom?

- D3R765.

- [Emily] He just swear in hex?

- [Omus] This is not Dr. Caball.

This is Omus.

- [Crow] Ay yi yi yi yi!

- [Tom] Dakota said the after party

was supposed to be on this floor.

- Where is everyone?

- [Kim] It's Omus, and he's alone.

- He's a alomus. - Go ahead.

- [Tom] Hello, Sharks.

We're Jason, Niki, and Kim, and our revolutionary

new breathing jumpsuit is the Shapewear of Things to Come.

- [Jason] Omus.

- [Crow] Well, I've tried everything.

- [Emily] Go.

Be big boy, Jason.

- Omus. - You want some hummus?

- Omus, where is my father?

- [Crow] Ugh, this movie really hates chess players.

- [Niki] John!

- [Emily] His glasses!

He can't see without his glasses!

- He was wrong, I knew he was too dangerous.

- He knew the danger, Jason.

- [Tom] He am the danger.

- Get that cloak off him.

- [Crow] Hey, it's a cape.

Show it some respect.

- Be careful.

Over there.

- [Tom] Susan Anton, David Soul, and Cathy Lee Crosby

in "Weekend at Bernie's 6: The Legend of Gurly's Gold."

- [Emily] Hawaiian Punch, not even once.

- It's a severe radiation burn.

He was dying.

- [Crow] Like, a lot?

- [Tom] And he drank all the margaritas!

- But that isn't what killed him.

It was Omus.

- You sure?

- Yes.

- [Emily] Oh, man, I thought it was Professor Plum

in the kitchen with the candlestick!

I'm so bad at this game.

- Sparks?

- [Crow] Sparks not here, man.

- [Jason] Sparks, do you read me?

- [Kim] Let me try.

Sparks, this is Kim.

Do you read me? - Crickets.

- What's he doing?

The module's moving.

What's he doing?

- Sparks.

Sparks, please, don't you remember?

- Omus could be anywhere.

In the tunnels, the oil refineries, the old staff quarters.

♪ White with foam ♪

Okay, come on.

- [Tom] Fine, I'll get the check.

22%.

(tense music)

- [Crow] Is that soft tile or hard carpet?

- [Emily] I was the governor, you know.

- [Tom] HG Welles Con's a little

sparsely attended this year.

- [Crow] Mommy, watch me.

Oh.

- [Emily] Are you ready to rock?

Control-alt-delete.

Control-alt-delete.

Control-alt-delete.

Control-alt-delete.

- [Tom] Blue Steel!

- [Omus] Don't waste your energies.

- Omus.

- [Omus] Yes.

- [Crow] That glass is Omus full.

- You're the son of John Caball.

- [Tom] Now it's Omus empty.

- [Emily] Ah, my tacquitos are ready.

- Starstreak module.

It will arrive at the citadel any moment now.

- [Crow] Then the slumber party begins.

- What do you want with Starstreak?

- It'll become my new flagship.

I'm saying a last farewell to this place,

and to you and your friends, except of course, Sparks,

who's now working for me.

- [Tom] Thanks to my 401k matching.

- You see...

- [Emily] With my eyes?

- [Omus] I am going to destroy Delta 3.

- Why, for what reason?

- [Crow] For what not reason?

- Because I am returning to the moon as spiritual successor

to the late Dr. Caball, who unfortunately died heroically,

along with the rest of you, in a tragic cosmic accident,

and there will be no one to prove me wrong.

- [Tom] Speaking of cosmic accident, excuse me!

- [Emily] And say goodbye to this.

(alarm ringing)

- [Crow] Hall pass, please.

No running.

- [Tom] I do love my job.

- When I activate that switch, it will set into motion

the most incredible forces.

What is normally an evolutionary process

that could take a billion years,

I can speed up into a matter of minutes.

- [Crow] Unlike your monologues!

- You'll destroy the entire planet,

and our only source of RADIC-Q-2?

- [Tom] Q know it.

- Cargo ships are fully loaded.

They will accompany me on my mission of peace.

- [Emily] Hi, this is Rob, your Uber driver?

I'm outside. - Has arrived.

- [Crow] Did it bring me a present?

- [Tom] X marks the plot.

(Niki gasps)

(tense music)

- [Emily] John Carpenter's "The Thin Fog Line."

- [Crow] I only had two payments left on them.

- [Tom] Ah, push it.

- Omus!

- [Viewers] He pushed it real good!

- I must go now. - My planet needs me.

- Omus!

You murderer!

- [Crow] Oh, right, murder.

I almost forgot.

- As big a fool as your father.

(Tom imitates water glugging)

- [Crow] This murder goes to 11.

- [Emily] Oh, we have party sign!

- [Tom] Moose knuckles in space!

(device whirring)

(viewers shouting)

- Come on, Niki.

- [Crow] Thank you for a funky time.

- They're dead.

- [Emily] They died to death.

- [Tom] Oh no!

And Niki and Kim without PVC pipes and garden weasels!

(viewers imitating high-pitched ringing)

- [Sparks] I must reprogram Omus's robots.

- [Crow] All text is subtext.

- [Tom] Oh my god.

- [Crow] What is it?

My split ends?

Of all the times for my conditioner to fail me!

- [Crow] Peace has cost you strength.

- [Tom] Was it something I didn't said?

- Come on!

- [Emily] These Wrestlemania plots are getting way too wild.

- [Omus] Turn it off.

Turn it off!

- [Tom] It's tanzanite, the gemstone of the future.

- [Crow] Initiating group hug.

- [Omus] Turn it off!

- [Emily] Jello mold set to full rotate.

- Turn it off!

- [Tom] Yeah, there's only so long you should

subject someone to sports talk radio.

- The activator can't be stopped, it's too late.

- How long we got?

- [Crow] This last scene then a post-credits blooper reel.

- About 10 minutes.

- Jason. - I'm a Jason.

- [Tom] Please let go of my crotch.

- Get the Starstreak.

The planet's gonna blow up.

- Merrick and the others are dead.

- [Viewers] Star Trek shake!

- This is why you don't build your fortress

on a coffee cake.

- [Tom] Can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man.

- [Crow] Update the old Subsstack.

- [Sparks] Jason, is everything all right?

- Sparks, did you reprogram these robots?

- [Sparks] Let's just say we speak the same language.

- Okay, where are you now?

- [Sparks] Aboard Starstreak, just outside the citadel.

- [Emily] Oh, the Caddyshack gopher's at it again!

- Sparks Delta, 3 is gonna blow.

Get to one of the cargo ships.

We gotta salvage the supply of RADIC-Q-2.

- [Crow] The floor is lava!

- This to me?

I am your creator!

- [Tom] Oh, what a shame.

He'll never win the show stopper challenge now.

- [Crow] Yeah.

- [Emily] Oh, careful, we just waxed the floors.

- [Crow] All these moments will be lost in time,

like tears in rain.

- [Tom] I wish I paused more.

- [Emily] Carry me, music.

- Sparks, you set?

- [Sparks] All set, Jason.

Suggest immediate launch.

- Okay, starting sequence now.

- [Tom] Don't bogart my buttons, Jason.

- Come on.

- [Crow] This is fine.

- [Tom] Jack, we don't have a stunt double, but good news,

you can keep the cape.

(triumphant music)

- [Emily] I specifically requested a non-smoking climax.

- [Crow] Mrs. Fields cookie, away!

- [Tom] Build your citadel on an ancient

burial ground, they said.

You won't anger the spirits, they said!

- [Emily] Did you feed the dogs?

- [Crow] Thought it was your turn.

- [Tom] Bonk!

- [Emily] Doink!

(explosion booming)

- [Crow] That is a picture wrap on Jack Palance, everyone.

(viewers cheering)

- [Tom] Time to dustbust space.

- [Emily] All right, guess we're done here.

- [Tom] That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

- [Emily] This one was fine.

- [Tom] So, who wants to play some air hockey?

(viewers murmuring)

♪ Hot Pockets ♪

- [Crow] It's a pretty loud explosion

for the vacuum of space.

- [Tom] Oh my god, we're back at the opening credits.

- [Crow] Explosion so nice they used it twice.

- [Emily] I'll miss you most of all, Big Theresa.

- [Crow] You're not supposed to stare

directly into a planetary explosion.

- [Tom] Well, they're not getting

that security deposit back.

- [Crow] You are only supposed to blow the bloody doors off.

- [Jason] Sparks, the first priority

is to get this shipment of RADIC-Q-2

back to the Earth children.

- [Sparks] Course set for planet Earth.

- [Emily] Ugh, I'll forgive this movie for everything

if it ends with a "Fast and Furious" style drag race.

- Oh, yeah. - Please, please?

- [Tom] Look, Sparks, everything the light touches

is our kingdom.

- [Emily] Maybe the real things to come

were the shapes we made along the way.

- [Tom] Hmm.

- [Caball] Out there is the vastness of space.

The unknown.

Where all possibilities exist.

Man's future is limited only by his imagination.

- [Crow] And his budget.

- [Caball] And his vision of the stars.

- [Tom] This movie had no stars, and no vision.

- [Emily] You know what's funny,

I just started a vision board myself.

I kind of have a vision that I'll become more-

- [Crow] Well, I have a vision too.

- [Emily] Crow?

Crow, where you going?

Don't leave us hanging, come on.

- [Tom] And that was the shape of things that went.

Guys, where you going?

It's dark in here!

(doors whirring and banging)

(Crow murmuring and chuckling)

- Whoa, what in the H-G-W-E-double hockey sticks

is this all about?

- I am Crowmus...

Robot master of the Simulator...

Of Love.

- Oh, I get it.

Like Jack Palance in the movie.

- I can bring...

A new and more efficient...

- Oh boy, this is gonna take a while.

- Way of life to this...

- Uh-huh.

- Simulator of...

- Love, Simulator of Love.

- Ours...

That we...

Live...

- On?

- Within. - Oh, so close.

- Or I will crash...

- My computer. - The economy.

- Oh, my computer.

Oh, I already said that.

Your best friend's wedding.

Crowmus?

Is this just a really long pause,

or do you need medical attention or...

- Call me when you find out.

- Your party.

Where did everyone go?

Oh, you did it again, Crowmus.

- Max!

Those space idiots gave me a great idea.

To conquer the universe, we just need to do

what the bad guys did in the movie, but not mess it up.

- But didn't Omus wanna make all humans obsolete?

So wouldn't that make us obsolete?

- Max, I'm not human.

I'm a whole other deal.

Just push the button, Max.

(solemn music)

(upbeat music)

- I am Omus, Emperor of Delta 3.

Welcome, my dear Dr. Caball.

How marvelous to see you.