Original subtitles

- Do I look stupid? - No. Honestly, you look great.

Just great.

This goes in your ear, and this goes in your bag.

Don't screw me over. Your guy better be there.

He will be. Don't worry.

- This is the last time. I'm only doing... - You're doing it to save your ass.

Let's go, you little rat.

I don't like when you call me that.

- Shut up. - Okay.

He'll be here any time now. Be careful.

He may be armed and dangerous.

- Greg, do you copy? - Loud and clear.

- This is a stupid mission. - You're the best man for it.

Everyone, get in position.

Santa!

Sorry, sorry. Santa!

Yes, yes.

I'm next!

Who's this moron?

It's Santa!

- There's some idiot in line, is it normal? - Santa!

- Easy. - Yes.

This is ridiculous!

- He's gonna get us noticed! - I've got this.

- Go on. - Thank you, Suzanne!

- Easy. - Santa!

Hi, Santa. I'm René.

My mom used to call me "Peanut" to remind me of my allergy.

I'm so happy to see you!

I've never met a Santa like you before!

He's here.

Greg, the target is in front of you.

I see him.

Once they've made the exchange, I'll signal, you can step in.

Calmly!

Who are you talking to? Do you hear voices, too?

I give presents, too, you know. I made one just for you.

This is Titoune!

Hello!

- He's shy. - He smells like shit.

Shut up!

Strange man.

I don't know why he's shouting.

The exchange is underway.

- I repeat, the exchange is underway. - I'm on it.

He's got a gun!

A vigilante Santa. Let me help you!

Back off, you piece of shit!

Awesome!

- You think that's funny, dumbass? - Yes.

Now that's a Santa!

SO COOL

DEALING WITH CHRISTMAS

Why did you replace me with a narcotics guy for the new mission?

I had no choice. You took Christmas off

- to see your daughter. - That's my problem.

- I do the infiltrating. - I'll call you back.

Sorry, I know it's late.

Did you forget something?

Your daughter's show.

Sorry, something came up last minute.

You're such a jerk. You promised her.

There's her suitcase. Her plushies are in the bag, and I put

- her history books... - I can't take her.

They need me on a mission. Sorry.

I knew it.

You know what? I'll manage, but, for once, tell her yourself.

I'm tired of having to do it every weekend.

Okay.

What are you watching?

A Christmas movie.

Scottie!

Scottie!

Yeah?

Didn't I ask you to keep it down?

Okay, family meeting. Downstairs, now.

Copy that. Be right there.

- Mom, can I go out with my friends? - No.

You have practice tomorrow.

Being a professional figure skater takes hard work.

But I want to be a fashion designer!

That's not a profession.

Just because you didn't go pro and married some loser

- doesn't mean you can boss me around. - He's your father!

My roof, my rules.

Except we won't have a roof soon.

Meghan, I have to...

No, wait...

- I need... - Mom...

- So... - Just...

Communicating with you is just impossible.

I'll show you that I have talent.

Meghan...

Ellen.

- Family meeting? - Yes.

What an idiot.

Don't be mean. He's a great dad.

You know how you were going to stay with me during the holidays?

Don't worry, I heard.

It's okay.

- I'll be here for Christmas, I swear. - You always say that. You never are.

This is different. I'm making a promise.

Come on.

Come on, again.

- Bedtime, honey. It's late. - But it's not over yet.

Come on, you know it by heart anyway.

- Love you, honey. - Goodbye.

Here.

- What's this? - Her letter to Santa.

What does she want?

For her father to be like the dad in the movie.

The idiot with the moustache?

How did she take it?

Fine. She's growing up. She gets it. She's not a little kid anymore.

Exactly, Greg, don't make her grow up too fast.

She just wants you to make some time for her.

It's stupid, but you'll be the one begging to see her soon.

- You gonna answer that? - Yes.

Hello?

The operation is tomorrow.

So, listen, the informer will pick you up at the hotel tomorrow morning.

Room 24. Sleep there tonight.

You're the cook.

The new guy who cooks drugs for them.

When the drugs and boss are together, Lucas will signal, and we'll move in.

Got it.

- And don't screw up. - This is so much fun!

A little slalom right and then left!

Keep your eyes closed!

- Are your eyes closed? - Yes.

I know you're all upset about having to leave this house soon,

but Mom and I are in serious financial trouble,

and I can't find the $50,000 we'd need to keep it.

But your dad promised you a beautiful home.

And your dad always keeps his promises.

You can open your eyes.

Well?

But, Richard, we can't live like gypsies.

Gypsies?

Why don't we just ask Grandpa? He's loaded.

No, Meghan, you know we're not speaking.

And what's Santa Claus supposed to do? There's no chimney.

Santa Claus always finds a way.

Like an exhaust pipe or a rust hole.

Evening edition!

Hi, Meghan! Nice jacket!

Quiet evening.

Even a homeless person wouldn't live there.

- Ellen... - Wait, look!

Just take a look inside.

"Big Christmas Pair Skating Competition.

"The winner will take home the huge sum

"of $50,000!"

That's exactly what we need to save the house!

I think Ellen and Richard Silestone are getting their skates back on!

Now you know why Christmas is my favorite holiday.

There's always a miracle.

What kind of moron organizes a competition with such a huge prize?

The owners of the last house I need are former national champions.

If they save their house, my real estate plan will collapse.

The construction of my hotel and leisure complex starts on December 25...

and no one can get in my way.

Burk! Go pay that family a little visit.

Make sure they don't sign up for that competition.

I can't take any chances with the Silestones.

Richard Silestone?

I know him. I used to bully him in school.

Lucky Burk is here to give you value for your money.

Ma'am.

See, Meghan?

It's not so hard, is it?

No!

You have to train hard

to become a champion like your beautiful mother.

- I want to be a fashion designer. - Great! We'll pick this up tomorrow.

Come on.

That's very kind.

Thank you for processing my registration.

So, that's Ellen and Richard Silestone.

S-I-L-E...

That's right, Stone.

Stone at the end, then? Like the store?

Yes, like the store.

I used to love your cakes!

I'm so delighted to hear that. I put my heart into it.

I made that cake with a lot of love,

and that cake...

Hello?

- Silestone. - Yes, that's my name.

- You suddenly sound very clear. - Silestone, behind you.

I don't understand. Behind me...

Unbelievable!

My old pal Burk Cunningham Jr.!

- It's so great to see you! - It is?

- What are you doing now, you old rascal? - I'm a hoodlum.

- Listen to me, Richard. - That's excellent.

If you compete in that damn competition,

you're gonna have a little mishap.

It's so kind of you to worry about my health,

- but I'm totally fine. - What an idiot.

Richard, if you compete,

I'll be paying your family a little visit.

That's so nice of you!

Ellen would love to meet you.

- The kids... - I'm threatening you, asshole.

If you compete, I'm coming after you

- and your family, okay? - You're very close right now.

Remember back in the day,

- when I hit, it hurt. - That's true.

It's worse now.

Still just as fast as ever.

In case you still don't get it...

- Nice stomach! - No, wait...

A gun!

Why?

So you're a real hoodlum!

Come on, here's to the good old days.

And don't try to understand...

Oh, my!

Oh, no!

Don't try and understand, just do what I say.

- Okay. - Stay away from the ice rink.

Are you all right?

- Don't let your wife persuade you. - Burk! Burk!

Don't look at it!

If you tell anyone about our little chat,

you're a dead...

- There we go. - Wait!

- Yes. - You're a dead man!

Capisce?

Understood, Captain.

Can you call an ambulance?

- The telephone's right there. - But I cut the line.

What a mess I've gotten myself into.

How am I going to tell Ellen?

I need a solution, and fast.

Get your things, kids. We're going home.

- Okay. - Okay.

Ellen...

Richard!

- What happened to you? - If you only knew, dear.

We can't enter the competition.

- What do you mean? - There was a hole at the entrance.

I stepped in it...

and twisted my knee.

- Fate is against us. - What are we going to do?

Sorry to bother you.

- Yes, you are bothering us. - Armando.

Ellen.

It's none of my business,

but I heard you talking about the house.

- That breaks my heart. - Thanks, but this is personal.

Now that Richard is handicapped...

- I'm not handicapped! - We could enter the competition together,

as a pair, you and me.

With your talent

and with my...

Well, I don't want to brag,

but my grace.

I think you do want to brag.

Richard, don't you think we'd make a good pair?

- See? Richard agrees. - I shook my head. That means "no."

But the prize money...

The prize is yours. The money is for the house.

Ellen, I'm not going to force you.

- You get to say in. - "When?"

"When" what? When's the competition?

It's December 24th. They've got flyers everywhere.

Can he not read?

Sorry, I'm just joking.

- You would do that for us? - No!

He doesn't need to do this! Stop! Hello?

Ellen!

He's tactile, that Chicano.

He's gonna screw your wife.

Sorry...

- Maybe we can start training tomorrow. - Of course they've been pinched, darling.

They were right there!

Say, two hours in the morning...

And two in the afternoon.

We had the same idea!

Where is the asshole who stole my daughter's crutches?

I'll break his legs. Where is he?

Please don't enter the competition with Armando.

SANTA CLAUS

MOM ME RICHARD

Are you jealous?

- That's new. - Jealous? Ridiculous!

It's not important, but...

It's very generous of him to want to help us, but no, we're not participating!

We're in great danger. Please.

Explain yourself. First, you lie about being hurt,

now you won't let me compete with Armando. It makes no sense!

- There's danger... - That's enough!

Tell me what's going on,

or you can learn how to read fortunes and steal copper,

and you can live in your gypsy trailer all alone.

- I'm going to enter that competition. - No, Ellen.

With or without you.

You mustn't... do this contest, we're in danger of dying, I mean, it's simple, I...

"I don't talk to liars."

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Oh, no!

What kind of face is this?

Hello, Gregory.

- Who are you? - Isn't it obvious?

Don't mess with me!

- What is this? - This is what I do.

- I'm more than just chimneys. - What the hell am I doing here?

- Your daughter's letter... - Don't talk about her, you old wino.

Save this family and you'll get back to your world.

To hell with this family.

Tibulin! I'm with a customer!

- There's a little problem. - What now?

- A little bug in the spell. - How?

Excuse me.

So, where did you send the other one?

Well...

- You call that a little bug? - I didn't want to worry you.

Excuse me, Chip and Dale, can you tell me what's going on?

You're close to being back in the mailroom.

- No! - Yes.

What the hell is going on?

Everything's fine.

Okay, well, Tibulin and I have to get going.

A small word of advice, work fast.

Hey, you gypsies, I'm not done with you yet!

Oh, no, it's moustache-guy's house.

Holy shit, this is a nightmare.

Scottie. Scottie, one, two.

Scottie, Scottie...

Scottie, do you copy?

Scottie...

One! One, two!

Scottie, do you hear me?

Scottie, do you hear me?

Scottie, one, two, Scottie!

- Scottie, Scottie... - Hello?

Scottie! Scottie, listen!

This is crazy! I don't know where I am.

- Tell Mom, please. - Who are you?

What? Where's Scottie? I'm Richard Silestone.

What did you do to my son?

Listen, if you hurt anyone in my family,

- I know some tough guys... - I don't give a shit about your family!

- What? - Where are you?

What do you mean, where am I?

Let's all just calm down! I don't know where I am.

I'm in a kind of...

- old hotel. And you? - I'm asking the questions.

No, I'm asking the questions.

- Okay, you ask the first question. - Look at yourself in the mirror.

- What do you look like? - Okay, but first, tell me who you are.

I'll explain later. We don't have time.

Okay. A mirror...

- No, no, no... - Well?

I look like a prisoner!

- No! A bum. - That's me, you idiot.

We've swapped bodies.

Sorry. You're not the easiest on the eyes.

I'm so sorry,

I'm lost. Can you explain everything from the beginning?

Okay, I'll try, but this seems crazy to me, too.

I saw Santa Claus. He swapped our worlds.

Sorry, but why would Santa Claus put such an evil spell

on you,

- some poor homeless guy? - I'm not homeless!

And you live in a disgusting trailer!

Don't talk like that about... my home!

I could have come alone. You didn't have be here.

Yes, I did. Now drop it.

- Are you crying, Richard? - No, because this isn't real.

- I'm hanging up. - Richard...

It's all fake, all a dream.

Look at that sad little Christmas tree.

Usually, though, when I dream, everything is kind of vague.

I know, I'll prove it by cutting myself.

- Richard? - I cut myself.

This is real. I repeat,

this is real, whoever you are.

This is really happening.

- Which room is it? - 24.

What are you doing?

Why are you sweating?

I'm not sweating. I'm just wearing a lot of layers.

Someone is at the door.

- Shit. - Why?

- Go see who it is. - I don't want to.

Richard, get yourself together and go see who it is.

I'm moving towards the peephole. I'm at the peephole.

There are two of them. They look very fit.

Does one of the guys have blond curly hair, a vacant stare,

- stocky, looks dumb as a rock? - Well,

that was a little mean, but yes.

- Richard, listen. - Yes.

- Do you want to come home? - Yes.

Absolutely.

- Hide, and don't make any noise. - Over and out.

- Why isn't he answering? - He must have gone shopping.

I don't know.

Something wrong?

Where is he?

- Not here. - And you think I'm gonna trust you?

He's not here. Let's go.

I'm calling Laila.

What? Please don't call her.

You found me!

Greg's here.

Be ready to go as soon as Lucas gives the signal.

We need Laila and the drugs together, so don't rush.

Copy that.

- Doing well? - Good, and you?

Hey, doesn't he look like Mohamed Salah!

- Crazy. - Look at him.

A little roadblock.

Wait.

I'll help you turn around.

It's Hedi, move!

That's some security you have.

Yes?

- Let's go. - Okay.

- So, we're here. Okay. - What's up, guys?

- Yo. - Good evening. Oh, it's daytime.

Happy holidays.

Enjoy the workout.

Who is this guy?

- What? - What's he talking about?

I don't know.

Must be all the drugs he's been cooking.

Excuse me.

Could you tell me where we're going?

Okay, so it's a surprise.

This is nice.

Great. So this is an L-shaped property, and this bit leads to...

- Nothing. That's it. - Okay, let's get to it.

Laila wants everything ready in two hours. Start cooking.

Laila, you said?

Lila? Leilei?

Oh, Laila! Yes!

You weren't pronouncing it right. Where are you from?

Sorry, not relevant.

So, what did Laila want me to cook again?

What do you mean...

Your... Your specialty.

It's why we brought you here, you know, the...

We set this up so that you...

Yes, the...

Right. Of course.

He's right. I'll make my specialty.

My specialty, which is made from everything you have here,

and I can't thank you enough.

So, everything is here. Chocolate, perfect.

That's strong stuff. What... That's old chocolate.

I won't be using that.

And you have some... clod-shaped chocolate?

- Are you done with the inventory? - I'm done. Let's begin.

And we're off! I just need to wash my hands.

- Bathroom's there. - Thanks. I cut myself.

It really hurts! Okay.

Sorry. It'll pass.

You sure of your guy?

- Hello? Can you hear me? - Hello.

- Yes, hello. - Where are you?

- I'm at their place. - Why did you follow them?

I didn't...

Are you crazy? I hid. They found me.

They brought me here, wherever this is, and asked me to cook.

- Are you a chef? - Play for time.

Cook whatever they want. Don't draw attention, don't talk.

- I need to get back. - Okay.

- How can I help your family? - The competition.

Don't let Ellen and Armando skate together.

- It's a matter of life and death. - Armando who's gonna screw your wife?

Sorry?

- Where can I find him? - The ice rink.

Please, promise me you'll go there.

- Yes. - Scout's honor?

Scout's honor.

No, you're not saying it like you mean it.

Please.

- Scout's honor. - Still sounds insincere.

- Try harder. - Shut up!

You shut up!

- Hurry up! - All done.

It was just a little cut, nothing serious.

Gentlemen, if it's my specialty you want, then you shall have it.

We already have the flour, great quality, by the looks of it.

The chocolate, not so much.

But to make the best gingerbread in Connecticut, I'll need more.

What?

I need more ingredients, I don't know.

Where do you keep your cooking utensils?

- I really think it's the drugs... - Enough of that!

What's this?

- Yes. Sorry. - What do you need?

- Lots of things. - Look, make us a list.

- Yes. - Give it to Lucas. Got it?

- Got it. - I'll be back in two hours.

Very good.

- Do you think he likes me? - What are you playing at?

You want us to get caught with your bullshit?

Are we working together?

No. Okay, so...

I've got work to do. We've got a lot on our plate.

Let's go!

Three, four, flamenco square, five, six, break our wrists.

That's great. Very Spanish.

Now, move your hips.

- Come on. - Armando!

- Your hands should be higher up. - Sorry.

You gotta move your hips if you want to keep your home.

- Lower. - Sorry.

Some partners say yes, others no, others maybe.

- One time I thought a no was a yes. - Pepito, beat it.

Richard?

What do you know? He's cured.

Don't make me come out there.

What's this, Richard? You want to provoke me?

You want to provoke me?

What's wrong with you?

Come on, then, if you're man enough!

I'm gonna kick your butt, Zorro.

No, Richard, just let it go!

He dropped like a stone.

- Can he not walk? - Armando, I've never seen you like this.

- I'm just joking. - Are you okay?

Richard, you don't know who you're dealing with.

I used to do Spanish kickboxing!

You're talking to Armando Costa Noches De la Treigo, aren't you!

So...

You don't know where it'll come from. Maybe this one? Or this one?

One of them will go off?

Come on!

Your choice. Right or left?

He didn't see that one coming! Hey, this one...

Beat it, clown,

before I really lose it.

You shouldn't have done that!

You humiliated me like a circus animal.

Like Pepino, the little circus monkey in Santiago, Chile.

His master forced him to walk

on hot coals, burning the little pads on his hands and feet.

But I,

I'm not Pepino. No, no!

I'm not Pepino! You should not have done that!

Richard!

Ellen, I never thought I'd have to be violent in front of a woman,

but this...

this is the time to fight!

I hardly touched you. Is your nose made of plastic?

Don't touch me!

- Your husband is sick! Sick! - I'm sorry.

I won't be entering the competition with you.

Don't touch me! You're not worth it.

No, Armando Miguel.

He's making a fuss over nothing, as if I kicked him in the knob.

Done. No competition for me.

What have you done?

So I beat him up a little.

Maybe I went too far. Sorry.

I thought you wanted to save the house, but you've ruined everything.

I never want to see you again, Richard.

This whole thing is starting to bug me.

Okay, well...

What now?

- Got everything? - Almost.

- Couldn't find any nutmeg. I got cinnamon. - That's not the same thing!

- They're completely different spices! - Same color.

It's a matter of flavor, not color!

I got the rest, eggs,

- sugar, flour... - Well, that's something.

I got this, but I don't know why.

Who is it for?

That?

- There. - How is it going?

Good.

- You okay? - I'm okay, yeah.

Great.

- You sure? - Yes!

I feel pleased with myself, which is rare.

It's hot. 15 minutes and it's done.

Relax! Yeah.

It's hot! How are you doing?

- Give me a kiss. - No.

A kiss! All good.

I think she's going to be happy. We're going to see Lailai, right?

Okay.

Good evening!

What's up, guys?

Hello, gentlemen.

That's that bird that repeats things.

- A parrot. - That's right.

You need to watch what you say in front of it

because if it hears a secret, it'll tell the wife.

Say "parrot."

"Parrot!"

Hello.

- That's Laila. - I see.

First of all,

hello, Lailai. It's a pleasure to meet you.

- Go on. - So...

Well, this is for you.

It wasn't easy.

I hope you like it. Could you...

Could you just...

No, that's fine.

Careful! That would be a shame!

There you go.

Don't worry, I've got it.

I did my best. The presentation isn't perfect,

but it's edible, Lailai.

Okay, so...

There you go.

What is this shit?

I'm sorry?

Hold on, I went through a lot of trouble for that,

- so try it before you judge. - Who wants a taste?

- Brahim. - Yeah.

Thank you, sir.

- Let's begin the tasting. - It's the drugs.

I chose as my theme, "After School Family Outing."

Here you can see the dad,

who is bigger than Mom.

Not that I'm saying that dads are necessarily bigger.

I mean...

Usually, they tend to be bigger,

but a husband can be smaller. I don't know her husband.

Anyway, that works, too.

I made a child the same size as Mom

because I wanted to make the cookies the same size.

I don't want whoever gets the child cookie

to complain, "I got the small one!"

So it's a teenager

whose parents are picking him up after school.

The teen is embarrassed.

Not every kid likes to be picked up by their parents.

They're picking him up for a weekend trip.

THE SNITCH Go!

Okay, guys, go.

Because this family is wealthy,

as you can see, I've added some jewels.

Mom has lots of jewelry, because women love...

You yourself have a necklace, so it's a fitting theme.

- And... - Just taste it, Brahim, goddamn it!

I'll try the son.

First off, nice presentation. Very well executed.

- But we can't tell what he's looking at. - What?

He's in the middle, so he's looking at both Mom and Dad.

So, Mom's to the left and Dad is above him?

No, Dad's taller, that's why he's looking up like that.

If you don't mind me saying so, I would have used nutmeg, not cinnamon.

That's crazy! That's what I had

- on my list, so... - But there wasn't any.

Right. Well done!

Crunchy.

- Can you taste the fondant? - I can.

Is it just because I said it, or do you taste it?

- No, I tasted it. - Of course. That's not easy.

You okay?

- It's great! - Yeah?

I never miss.

Yeah! That's what it did to me, too!

- Come on! - Hedi.

- Calm down. - Everyone have a taste!

Police! On the floor!

Hey, look, elves!

- Police! On the ground! - Hands!

- On the ground! - Hands!

- We were just dancing! - Don't move!

- What have we done? - Alpha, search.

Alpha, search!

We didn't find anything.

How is that possible?

I don't know.

Okay, sorry for the disturbance. We got a bad tip.

Gentlemen, let's go.

Have a nice day!

Mark, I don't know what he's up to, but let's be ready to go back in, okay?

Laila, damn you, I told you not to work with strangers.

- It's not "Lailai"? - Shut up.

- Okay. - Lucas.

- Admit it, you're a rat. - Let go of me.

Let go. If he was a cop, would he have hidden it?

It's in the cookies. The dog didn't find anything.

- It's not my fault. - He's right.

- What? - Pliers.

- No. Wait, Laila. - You disrespected me, Hedi.

You know the rules.

Can't you make an exception?

Just to clarify, once and for all,

Is it Lai Lai or Lailaley?

You're quite something.

Thanks. That's nice of you to say.

Why didn't the dogs touch the cookies?

Well, that's a technique I learned from Eddy.

- Hedi? - No, not Hedi.

Not your Hedi, another Eddy.

He was a Golden Retriever.

He used to eat everything he saw.

I've never seen anything like it.

Such a good boy, but he ate everything.

You'll never guess what his nickname was.

Know what we called him? Go on, guess!

Greedy Eddy!

So I added a repellent,

a food additive.

I put it in his dog biscuits.

Then he started losing weight, because he'd stopped eating...

and then he died.

He was gone in a week.

You're joining our team.

- Okay. - Welcome.

Thanks.

Sorry!

Kiss?

Sorry, I thought it was a way to...

Sorry.

Smile, Hedi.

Now, give me a kiss.

There, all done.

Your friend doesn't look too good.

What? The police didn't find anything?

Like what? We made cookies.

- You're kidding me. - They're very happy with me.

They've placed a big order. A "thank you" would've been nice.

This is a nightmare.

How are you doing?

It's been dealt with. Bernardo won't be entering the competition.

- That's great! - There's more.

Your wife...

- She wants to leave you. - That can't be.

- Yes. - No.

- I promise you, she does. - Why?

Something about the house.

Richard?

Richard, are you crying?

It's just a lot to deal with in one day.

Save the house.

Please.

What do I do? I'm not entering that stupid competition.

That's right, don't enter the competition.

Figure skating can be ruthless.

Ever heard of Tonya Harding?

- I don't care! Just tell me what to do! - Go see Georges,

Ellen's father. She hates him.

Beg him to give you money. Ellen mustn't know.

Or she'll definitely leave me.

If he agrees, you'll have saved my family.

Is that all I have to do?

It won't be easy. I'm not his favorite person.

That's not surprising.

It's like this.

Georges was our skating coach.

When he found out we were getting married, we had a falling out.

He's a hard man.

Enough with the dance stories!

- Right, sorry. - Where can I find him?

Easy. When you leave the house...

Oh, yeah, the old guy is loaded.

Georges?

Richard Silestone.

For you to show your face here, you must be in some deep shit.

You have no idea.

- What's that? - Probably a wolf.

I set up some traps to protect the cattle.

- Come in. - Big house for such a little man.

- Go to hell. - We're off to a good start.

If someone had told me Richard Silestone would be having a whisky with me...

Careful where you step. This old place is falling to pieces.

Where are you going?

Man-to-man talks are always held by the fire.

Have a seat.

- What do you want? - I need money to save the house.

I knew it.

Twenty years, not even a phone call,

and now you're begging for a fistful of dollars.

I told my daughter she was betting on the wrong horse.

If I found you grazing on my land, I'd shoot you.

All right, enough. Yes or no?

You have no honor. You won't even fight for your family.

You'd rather come here and grovel than earn the money yourself.

- Meaning? - I know about the competition.

- Why won't you enter it? - I don't skate. It's stupid.

Coward.

Vulture.

Loser.

- Asshole. - Now you're starting to piss me off.

Just give me the money, so I can get out of here.

Go on, hit me!

I'm not giving you a penny!

- Goddamn it! - I'd rather die than give you anything!

If you want your house back, there's only one solution.

Get back on your skates. I'll help you.

- I can't learn to skate in two days. - Nonsense. You never forget.

It's a stupid idea.

What's that noise?

- Silestone, you're a dead man. - Who are you?

- What are you doing here? - Shut up, Willow.

Stupid traps! You're gonna pay for this. There aren't even any wolves around here!

Silestone, I warned you not to start skating again.

Get out of my house! Now!

You'll be leaving first, in a box.

I'm about to teach you an Irish dance

called the Argentine Tango.

Sir, would you mind giving me my gun?

- I'm about to lose it. - If you mean your foot, yes.

I know I came here to threaten you,

but could you put some ice...

on my shoe...

and not take part in the competition?

Would you mind calling me...

an ambulance?

Are you sure two days will be enough?

Yes.

All right, let's do it.

- What are you looking at? - Nothing.

Let's go.

You're going to cook here. We'll get you the gear.

You'll train the guys.

You have 24 hours.

Okay.

So, training and production.

- How many units? - Fifteen thousand.

- What... fifteen thousand? - Are you missing anything?

Time! I need at least another day

for training alone.

- You've got 24 hours. - Okay, 24 hours, that works.

See you later.

Give him whatever he wants.

- In the best possible conditions. - Okay.

You need anything?

Do you need anything?

- Can I be perfectly honest? - Sure.

My family.

- Especially during the holidays. - That's normal.

Thanks, because I feel like no one really understands.

- Kids? - Yes.

I understand. I like taking them to the fair.

- I like the ice rink. - Carnival games, roller coasters.

The games are more our thing. They're afraid of roller coasters.

- Not all kids are, though. - Really? Your older ones...

- How many do you have? - How many what?

- Children. - Oh, I don't.

What?

- You take your nieces and nephews? - No, the children are already there.

- But you said that you take them... - To the fair.

- So you get them from somewhere. - The ice rink.

Oh, wow! Okay...

- Great talking to you. - Yeah, thanks. You too.

- Aren't you going? - No, why?

My children...

Yes, the children.

- Yeah, my children. - It's normal.

I take them to the fair. Some are scared, others aren't.

- Yeah. - Sometimes the ice rink, too.

Right.

What time is it?

Oh, wow! Okay...

- Great talking to you. - No problem.

We'll check with the Asians and the New Mexican investors later.

I'll see you at night golf practice later, Edouard. I don't have time now.

Darling.

Sorry, work problems. Something you'll never have to experience.

Apparently, someone's at the door.

Come in.

Good God, Burk, what are you doing on that skateboard?

Mr. Nicecocks,

I did everything I could, but I have terrible news.

Silestone is going to enter the competition.

How is that possible? You were supposed to persuade him not to!

- Did he do this to you? - Silestone? No.

It was a pothole. The ambulance had to swerve.

It went into a ditch, and the momentum rolled me down a hill.

There were these foxes there who thought I was garbage...

- They wanted to eat me. - Enough. That's enough.

If I understand you correctly, I'll have to handle things myself again.

On my own.

Well, maybe with a little help.

Oksana, it's time you joined the dance.

Me not dance. Me skate.

If only you knew how right you are.

It's worse than I thought.

Okay, we're starting from scratch.

You've put on weight, like a cow just before slaughter.

You used to be mediocre, now you're just terrible.

Doesn't surprise me. From now on,

we're going to eat, sleep, and shit skating.

You're going to do things you've never done before.

- Get on your knees and close your eyes. - Excuse me?

What you talking about, Lucky Luke?

- I don't do that. Ever. - Okay, we're done then.

Okay, don't get all huffy.

- Hey! - Come on, let's get to work.

Wait, why can't I take this off?

Hey, little man, what's...

I use it on animals when they run away.

Good boy!

Come on, let's get to work.

- We don't have much time. - You bastard.

So, it's silver, then gold, right?

That's the order.

- This kicks ass, man. - Why do you get to do the star?

- Back off. It's just a star. - What did you say?

No, no, no! Chocolate goes in the chocolate area.

- What you playing at? - What?

Christmas sweaters, presents?

Excuse me for wanting to make Christmas cookies in a pleasant atmosphere!

Don't give me that face. And change your attitude.

You're inner world creates...

- You better check yourself! - Back off, man!

No, no! Let him go!

Let him go!

That's right. Not in my kitchen.

- He started it. - I don't care who started it.

Adelaide!

- It's Abdoulaye. - What did I say?

Adelaide.

With an "I"? Doesn't matter.

- Come on! Swear jar. - No!

- Swear jar. - I said "your mom",

- I didn't say "fuck your mom"... - You never stop!

Let's cut the cord of aggression! Cut it!

It's cut.

- Amity, you, too. - It's "Amidou."

Whatever. Come on.

Okay!

Gentlemen, we have 24 hours. Get cooking!

Come on, lazybones!

You're not even trying!

Come on, faster, you donkey!

Unbelievable.

Move it! Come on!

Shit!

- What's wrong, brother? - I'm okay.

Actually, I'm not.

- I'm just not in the mood for fun. - Why not?

My wife is leaving me.

I'm sorry, I didn't know.

If only my family could see what I've achieved with you,

they'd be so proud.

I'm not sure that'll help. Why don't you keep it to yourself?

- Yeah. - No.

You should be proud of yourself, too.

- You're very talented. - Thanks.

- You should keep it up once this is done. - Really?

- Absolutely. - I really enjoy it.

- You've found your calling. - Thanks.

You've had some training, haven't you?

I worked in a Brioche Dorée for a while.

You can always tell when someone has worked someplace sophisticated.

- It's more like a sandwich shop. - High-end.

- It's expensive. Four euros a sandwich. - Right.

Well, keep it up.

Look over there.

What?

This is for you, to say thank you.

I've enjoyed this experience...

of cooking.

- It was more than that. - For me, too.

As a symbol of our friendship.

I don't believe it!

How did you know? Unbelievable!

An overnight bag!

- A what? - Terrific!

This'll be perfect for picking mushrooms in the autumn.

- Shrooms, right. - Right.

- Thank you. - Feel it.

- That's not leather. - That's right, it's not leather.

It's imitation leather!

No way.

- 100%! - Unbelievable.

- The salesclerk said so. - It must have cost a fortune.

Sorry.

Thanks...

- Just suck each other off already! - Don't be ridiculous!

- Swear jar! - I didn't even swear!

- Shut up! "Jar," he said. - Both of you!

- Me? - Jar.

That's enough!

"Suck each other off..."

- No! - No! Right, no!

- No! - I was saying no, too!

- Never. - I said no.

- No. - Right.

What is going on here?

What is this, a circus?

Come on, get back to work.

Hedi.

Wait, wait.

I wanted to congratulate you on all your hard work.

Especially you.

Me?

Well, thank...

I imagine compliments from you are pretty rare.

We've started product testing.

The results have wildly exceeded our expectations.

That's... Yes! It's because of the team.

I have to thank them. Amity, Adelaide, Houston...

- It's "Yousef." - What is it?

- Yousef. - Yousef. Yousef.

Everyone! We all worked together.

You've managed to create the most addictive drug I've ever seen.

What?

Police! On the floor!

Like what? We made cookies.

Your friend doesn't look too good.

We're... We're not selling drugs, are we?

You're a real genius.

Children love what you've created.

No. Not children, please. Not on Christmas Eve.

I don't like Christmas.

Laila...

Yes. Of course.

Yousef.

Ginger.

Big Sweater.

Little Chili Peppers.

Or, Little Socks?

What are those things?

Afro.

You were like my family.

Like my children.

How could you do this to me? I feel...

Oh, no!

I need some air.

Let him go. He needs some air. His wife's leaving him.

You son of a bitch. Can you hear me?

You used me to cook drugs!

Now they're going to give it to families, to children!

And it's all your fault!

This collaboration is over.

- Richard. - It's over. Goodbye.

You think I like skating?

- Over. - Richard.

Richard...

I'll be here for Christmas, I swear.

You always say that. You never are.

Well, well, the idiot's back.

You wanted to see me?

- How are things going? - Almost finished.

Then get rid of the nuisance. We don't need him anymore.

Okay.

Keep them in pairs, and be careful.

How many are left?

- Where is he? - He went out to get some air.

- When? - About 15 minutes ago.

Hello?

The cook took off.

He can't have gone far. Find him, bring him to me.

You're a monster, a terrible monster.

You cooked drugs for children!

For children.

What?

- I don't know. - Michael Jackson!

- No, a monster. - Frankenstein!

Charlie Chaplin!

There's a Santa Claus in the bushes.

Over there.

Damn it, another Santa jerking himself off.

- Shit. - Come on, let's go.

No! No, stay...

No... No, no, no!

No! Hey!

You know, Monica,

it felt wonderful being in your arms.

It was magic.

You like poetry, don't you, you naughty girl! So do I.

- Here, Armando. - No!

Monica, this isn't why I do it.

Well, maybe a little.

- Can I have a kiss? - No, no kissing.

- Come on! - I...

I think there's an electrical problem.

- Armando, get in. - Mr. Nicecocks.

I have a proposal for you.

What are you going to do to me? What have I done?

No, it's me!

It's Peanut, your assistant.

From the shopping mall.

Right.

- Okay. - I thought I'd bring you here.

This place is top secret.

You're safe.

- Then why the bag? - So no one would recognize you.

This is Rudolph...

- What? - He's offering you a drink.

Is that what he said?

- Yes. - Well...

Should I answer him the same way?

An eggnog, please.

Eggnog!

- Do you have any? - Yes.

Great.

So, what's going on? Tell me everything.

What you're about to hear...

might sound a little crazy.

This is what happened to me.

- You're a monster! - What?

- Drugs to children? - No!

- You're going to ruin Christmas? - It's not my fault!

I was manipulated by Lailalai!

We have to stop them. When's it happening?

- Tonight. It's too late. - No.

- It's too late. - No!

We must do something.

You're right!

We can run.

- No. - Yes!

- Yes! Do you have a car? - We have to fight.

Rudolph wouldn't be here if he'd run away from his problems.

Santa Claus brought you here to save those families.

You're not alone anymore.

Our paths crossed for a reason.

Watch out, he's coming.

- Hi. - We won't let anyone ruin Christmas.

- We love Christmas. - Yes.

You may love Christmas,

but I really love Christmas.

There's birthdays, there's Easter, there's, my wedding,

and Christmas is here.

Christmas... is Christmas!

If we show you something that might help you,

do you promise not to tell anyone?

- Yes, I promise. - Scout's honor?

Okay, so...

what's the... plan?

- What do you intend to do with this? - Destroy what you've created.

- By killing people? No! - But we have to hurt them!

No violence, no way.

Some of them are good people, Big Sweater,

Little Chili Peppers, Brahim...

No, what we need to do

is find the drugs and destroy them.

- Where'd you get these weapons? - We were in the army.

Special Forces, 2nd Division.

But that was before the accident.

An accident. Of course.

You've changed a lot.

It's... What happened?

I took some shrapnel to the head.

- And Rudolph got the rest of it. - Right, the rest.

Wow.

- Yes! Excellent idea, Rudolph! - What did he say?

He suggests we make our own weapons.

Okay, sure,

but on one condition. No guns.

Weapons that don't kill.

Deal.

Well, you'll never make the Olympics, but you're ready for the competition.

You'll just have to rely on my daughter's talent.

Well, thanks for everything.

- You sure you don't want to come? - Yes.

My daughter doesn't want to see me. It's probably better this way.

Promise me one thing.

- Richard, where were you? - Training. We're entering the competition.

- It's a little late, unfortunately. - We can still save the house.

- Tommy is right. - Scottie.

- Right. - But we're not ready.

It's in an hour. What about costumes?

- Mom... - Meghan, sometimes...

- Mom... - The first...

This is the last time...

- I'd like to... - It's always the same story with you.

That's it, Meghan.

- It... - No.

I can do it.

Trust me.

Give me a chance.

I swear we can do it.

This doesn't change anything between us.

All right, then...

let's do it.

- How are the costumes coming? - I'm on it.

We're back with the big Christmas Pair Skating Competition.

DANNY PHILLIPS // NANCY ALTMAN

Remember, first prize is $50,000.

It's not every day you get the opportunity to win such a big prize.

And it's not every day one gets to co-host a show with you, Nancy!

A quick run-down of the scores. Five pairs have already skated.

And it's the Hendersons, surprisingly.

And that is some surprise!

Their perfect choreography earned them a score of 21/30.

There they are.

Look at them. Aren't they cute? They're a couple of sweethearts.

-Agile for their age. - As my grandmother used to say,

"Old pots make the best jam."

- The next... - "The oldest molds make the best cake."

- Our next... - Also,

"Nancy, you're fat, ugly and crazy, and you'll never amount to anything."

But, look, Grandma, you're dead and I'm on TV, so screw you.

What?

Are you kidding me?

No, stop...

I'll take care of the men out front.

- No! We said no violence. - I'm just putting them to sleep.

Aim for an arm or leg.

What's up, bro?

- Unbelievable. - The sight is off.

Give me that.

Luckily, I used to be in a rifle club.

- Left leg or right arm? - Left leg.

- Yeah, this sight needs adjusting. - Yes, I told you.

- They're asleep. - Let's go.

Go, go, go!

Let's hurry.

Thanks.

I hope you like the outfits.

He's not here. I don't know where he is!

No one knows where he is!

That's not my job. You're the police.

Yeah!

So, 8:00 tonight, Mom?

Great.

Sounds good. Hugs. Love you.

- You did an amazing job, honey. - Told you I was gifted.

- And you, Dad, do you really like it? - Love it.

We can't be far now.

Oh, no!

Let's hide over there.

Come on!

Go, go, go!

Our next contestants, Oksana Stojanovic and Armando Costa...

- Armando. - Who, by the way,

- is a friend of my mother's. - Hi, Mrs. Phillips!

Hope you're well!

-We have high hopes for them. - Fire and ice! Perfect balance!

- Kind of like us. - Not really. We're not even friends.

Was that too cold?

- No. - Did I hurt you?

Moving on.

- The show's about to start. - On your marks...

set...

swing!

Strong start, great form.

Wow! They look like two little parakeets!

They're melting the ice, like an ice cube on a hot body.

Look at that lift! Just terrific.

Look at how he holds her. Like she's as light as a feather.

How lucky we are to live in the USA and witness this performance.

Fudge!

We can't wait to see the judges' scores.

So daring!

There's no such thing as bad publicity.

- No woman is immune to his charm! - It's almost enough to turn me.

- Why not? - These are progressive times.

This is true.

Two tens and a nine, our new leaders.

Surely that will be enough to win!

There are 50 of them...

Well, now...

thank you for everything.

Be brave. Time for action.

Best of luck, and see you soon. I'll be right outside.

Call me if you need me.

I'll be right there, or maybe it's better if I call for back-up.

See you later. Good luck!

- What? - You're not leaving us alone.

You need to clean up your mess. We're here to help you.

- But I have a cut. - Here, take this.

- No, no. - Yes, yes.

You piece of shit.

Why did you do it, Lucas?

I had no choice.

I didn't know it was the police.

Okay, I knew, but what could I do?

I had no choice.

- Neither do I. - About?

Hedi, the pliers.

The what?

No, no, no!

Get away.

No, put those away!

You're on soon. Are you ready?

Are you okay?

My ankle!

Sorry, I can't go on.

First, I force this on you, then I get injured.

I can do it.

- But you stopped skating. - Yes, but this time,

I'll be skating for our family.

But I'm going to skate my way.

Not like I'm in love with Dad. That's creepy.

True.

- Yes. - What's the plan?

Okay, Scottie, we're going to need your talent, too.

Are we ready?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Okay, let's go! - Yeah!

Sorry to interrupt, but you should disqualify them.

They still have 30 seconds.

- He's skating with his daughter. - His daughter?

That's not allowed.

The rules do not prohibit a father and daughter from skating.

Let us do our job, Mr. Nicecocks.

Excuse me, Marie-Noël.

Had a little accident, did you, Ellen?

I don't want to talk to you.

The show's about to start, Danny.

- I can't wait! - I have goosebumps.

A father-daughter team, this is a first.

- I'm sure this'll be very sweet. - I'm sure it will.

Go, Scottie.

Powerful music selection!

Go!

- Richard! - Yes, of course.

They look like angels.

Amazing!

Wonderful form.

They're in it to win it!

Looks like Armando and Oksana have something to worry about.

Now they've got a little competition!

- I'm gonna puke. - Just a few more spins.

Fatherly love can be so uplifting.

- Don't you think, Danny? - I wouldn't know. I don't have a dad.

He left when I was a child.

He went out for some cigarettes and never came back.

Brahim! What are you doing here?

Making sure no one so much as touches my new best friend.

You mean me?

- Follow me, I'll get you out of here. - No, I can't.

This is my fight.

I made this mess. It's up to me to clean it up.

Your battle is at the Brioche Dorée.

You're gonna be great. You're so talented.

A diamond in the rough.

- Go for it! - It's all thanks to you.

- What? - I wanted to tell you.

- I sent my CV to Brioche Dorée. - No, you didn't!

- I start on Monday. - Really?

- Three-day trial. - No way!

Renewable contract.

- Thank you for everything. - That's great.

One day, my wife and I will have a meal there.

- Won't that be nice? - I'll take good care of you.

I'll take good care of you.

Come to the Brioche Dorée.

Ask for Brahim, I'll get you 10% off.

Exit's that way.

Exit's that way.

- Good luck. - Ciao!

Richard! Come on!

You and me, Leilei!

Go check it out.

I'll deal with him.

I knew they'd come for me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

I'll just put this down.

No, no!

You okay?

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Well, well, if it isn't my friend Hedi.

You think I'm scared of you?

- Ready for the finale? - Yeah.

Thank you for keeping your promise. You're a great dad.

They're building up to their final jump.

Don't make the same mistake I did.

Take care of your family.

Otherwise, you'll end up a stupid old man

regretting every wasted second.

I promise.

Oh, my God!

That was different! He crashed with a flourish.

Richard!

Damn railing.

Wait...

I think I see some movement.

- He's moving. - He's getting up!

He's coming back from the dead!

Yes!

Go, Richard!

Why are you smiling?

Exceptional!

Dad!

- Meghan! - Are you okay?

Yes!

You're missing a skate.

Look at that, everything's in black and white.

Come on.

Come on, time to sleep. There you go.

Please...

Please...

Please...

And despite an extraordinary performance from the Silestones,

Oksana Stojanovic and Armando Costa have won the cup!

The cup holding a check for $50,000!

Nancy, that's one tidy sum.

That's the exact amount my grandmother didn't leave me.

Hate you forever, Grandma.

Poor little Silestone family.

What do you want, Dick?

You've won, isn't that enough?

I just came to see what failure smells like.

It's a fragrance I'm not familiar with.

And to collect the keys

to my new house.

Well...

I'll have you know...

I wouldn't be so sure, if I were you.

Georges?

I deposited a check for $50,000

in the bank this afternoon.

Their debts are all paid off.

Are you telling me my real estate project has fallen through?

Listen, Dick.

With your cold heart,

it looks like you might be spending another Christmas alone.

- What do you mean? - I'm talking about that.

My little Russian doll!

With that low-rent mariachi?

You, me, finished.

Out the way!

Out the way!

I've never seen anything so strange.

It might be some kind of shamanic ritual.

I don't know what happened.

What the hell is this?

We just lent a hand.

I helped, too.

I was the...

the rat.

Not that I like that term, but...

Thanks to your grandfather, I never ate another ice cream on horseback again.

- Do you remember? - Yes.

Anyway...

Enjoy Christmas with your family.

- Wait... - Maybe...

- You... - We thought that...

Mom, go ahead.

If it's a family thing,

it's only right that you should be there.

You know, I'm sorry...

We'll talk about it later.

Now's the time for reconciliation, don't you think?

Because...

it is Christmas, after all.

Hello?

I don't know if, by some miracle, you can hear me, but...

thank you for what you did for our family.

We got our house back

and, more importantly, our home.

And I'll never be able to thank you enough for that.

Dad?

I hope everything is well at your end and that...

you can celebrate Christmas

with your wife and daughter.

Kisses...

I mean, goodbye.

That was a kiss.

No, I'm talking... Someone's...

It's like a walkie-talkie...

Merry Christmas.

He looks like Santa Claus.

All right.

There you go.