Original subtitles

[man] I want my treasure chest.

I want my treasure chest.

I want it and I'm gonna get it.

Where's my treasure chest?

Come out. I want my treasure chest.

Let me in.

This is where I used to live.

Is anybody in there?

I want my treasure chest. I want it!

["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]

-[woman sighs contentedly] -Ah, what a perfect day.

-Uh, sweetie? -Yeah, honey.

The horse you're on has a huge penis.

I'd like to get off now.

I'm not having any fun.

[scoffs] Then we wasted our money.

[man] Sound familiar?

It's a beautiful fall day, and you're riding with a loved one,

when all of a sudden, you're made to feel less of a man.

You can't compete with these horse hogs.

And now you don't need to.

Here at Fenton's Stables and Horse Ranch,

we guarantee our horses have a smaller penis than a human man.

♪ Fenton's Stables and Horse Ranch ♪

♪ Where the horses are hung like you ♪

Meet Starry Night here.

At first glance, he appears to be a normal horse.

But you check his undercarriage,

and he's the same size as you and I.

Is it easy to find a horse with a short peanut like this?

No, it's damn near impossible.

That's why our ancestors started breeding out the big penis gene

in our horses generations ago.

In fact, this year, we were excited to welcome

our first five-inch horse penis.

Tragically, he passed early this year.

Killed himself.

Yeah, he jumped off a cliff.

Ha! Is that what they mean by "hung like a horse"?

-I guess. -But yours is bigger than that.

-Is it? -Mm-hm.

Bigger than a horse's?

I like the sound of that.

Thanks, Fenton's.

♪ Fenton's Stables and Horse Ranch ♪

♪ Where you're the one that's hung ♪

[funky music playing]

[man] Live from Hollywood, California,

-[cheering and applause] -it's Dan Vega's Mega Money Quiz!

Hi! I'm Dan Vega.

Let's get started.

[applause]

Our contestants, Paul and Colleen,

will flip a square from our Mega Money Board,

and it will show a dollar amount.

-But, remember, watch out for the Chunky. -[chirruping]

Chunky eats your points and he gets very mad.

Colleen, you're up first. Pick a square on the board.

-[applause] -Second row, four down from the left.

Five hundred dollars.

[cheering and applause]

This red condiment can be put on hamburgers.

Ketchup?

Right! Five hundred dollars on the board for you.

-[applause] -Good job!

Paul, you are up.

Okay, third row, second down.

Okay, let's flip her over.

-It's a Chunky! -[horn blaring, chirruping]

-[hip hop beat playing] -Uh-oh! You got a Chunky!

Uh-oh, Chunky's here!

He's gobbling up your points.

[music stops]

[silence]

[weakly imitates a scream]

What are you going to do with... What's the plan?

[uptempo jingle playing]

He's eating your points.

[chuckles]

All right.

Okay.

Ow!

Stop! Aargh, he's pulling on my shirt!

[contestant struggling]

Off!

What the hell are you doing, Chunky? You can't wreck his shirt.

You have to figure out what Chunky does

-before you come out here. Go! -What the fuck, man? He wrecked my shirt.

Don't swear!

Oh, my God!

What game show have you ever seen that had swearing in it?

[host] Ach, eesh!

All right, Colleen, you have control of the board.

Um, third row, third one down.

-Three hundred dollars. All right! -[applause]

Melted or cold, from the cow's udders, over time, it will grow mold.

Is it cheese?

-That's right. It is cheese. -[cheering and applause]

All right, Paul, you have control of the board.

Fourth row, four down.

-Uh-oh! -[horn blaring]

It's a Chunky!

-[hip hop beat playing] -[host] Oh, frick. What do you...

-What's this? You have a bag? -What the hell? That's my backpack.

You got his bag. What are you gonna do with it?

Hey, that's my laptop. Don't touch that. Put that back.

What are you doing with that?

-Hey! -[host] Don't... Put that--

-No! -[host] Chunky!

Tell him to stop!

Don't break his laptop. That's expensive.

Thank you.

-No! -What did I just say?!

Don't break his fricking laptop!

-You got to pay for that. -I don't.

-[Chunky] I was just trying-- -Well, don't talk!

You can't talk!

Chunky, the mouth on the... Don't come over by me!

Stay over there!

Figure out what you do!

-[uptempo jingle playing] -You had all summer to think of it.

-[jingle stops] -Okay, Paul,

you just went. You have control of the board again.

[sighs]

Third down, fourth row.

-That's a Chunky. -You didn't even turn it over.

I came up with this game.

I know what all the little things are.

Oh, my God.

What is it? What are you doing with the bag, Chunky?

-A hat? -That's my hat.

What is that thing?

-You want to put the hat on him? -[audience member] Yeah!

Yeah, okay, let's see what that does.

-[uptempo jingle playing] -Stop! Stop.

Ow! What... is this?

Fine, I'm wearing my own hat!

[audience booing and hissing]

We haven't been to the board in a long time.

Yeah, I know Colleen. This show is gonna suck.

We just got to figure out, like,

what Chunky's deal is. Like--

-[Chunky] Well, don't throw away-- -Don't talk!

The mouth on the thing doesn't move!

-It looks fake! -[end of round jingle playing]

Yeah, that's a good idea. Dump it.

♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪

♪ Mmm, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪

I'm sorry, guys. It's gonna be another ten, fifteen if you can hang tight?

[clicks tongue]

Have you guys seen that YouTube video

of the dancing lady in the clown mask who falls off the couch?

-So funny. -It's so funny.

-So funny. Jessie, you'd love it. -Let's put it on.

Yeah, it's like the second one down.

[hip hop music playing on video]

[chuckling]

I mean, she's, like, unconscious.

Seen the one where the weatherman accidentally draws a penis?

-No. Pull it up. -You got to pull it up.

-No, I haven't seen that. -This one?

The second one. Yeah, right there.

And with a cold front moving in from the northeast, it's going--

Shit.

[all laughing]

-He, like, had to have gotten fired. -Have you seen the one with the kid

who puts the glow stick in the microwave?

The dad is so funny.

-So funny, right? -He's fucking nuts.

-Reggie, what's your favorite? -Uh, I don't know what my favorite is.

Well, what's a funny one?

Oh, God, there's like...

tons I can think of that just blow me away.

It's fine if you, like, don't have one.

I have one.

We all have one. I have one.

I just can't remember exactly how you type it in.

Well, I can search for it. What happens in it?

It's so funny.

I just can't remember, like...

how to search for it.

Well, just let us know when you remember it.

I just can't remember.

I can't remember how to search it. What...

Uh, you know what we have to watch?

We have to watch the guy with the newscaster on the roller coaster.

Yes, so funny.

-It's so funny. -So funny.

[man] So funny.

[Jessie] Pull it up.

-[woman] It's so funny. -[man] It's so funny.

-[menacing ambient music playing] -[Jessie] It is so good.

-[woman] So funny. -[man] Yes.

[all laughing]

[Jessie] It's so funny.

[man] So funny!

["Blending Soul" by Soul Blenders playing]

Okay, so I talked to Marcus,

and he's gonna take care of catering for the whole thing.

So we're gonna have hors d'oeuvres,

and then mini pizzas,

shared salads, and, of course, little cupcakes

with baby Debbie's name written on them.

That's perfect. Christine is gonna love that.

This is gonna be such a nice baby shower!

Oh, we should do, like, a little gift bag for everybody.

-That's a great idea. -How much do we want to spend?

I think maybe around $200 makes sense.

Oh, maybe we could give everybody little individual bottles of champagne.

Oh, that's a good idea.

People also love those macarons.

You know? So good.

Yeah, what about Stanzo brand fedoras?

What?

Stanzo brand fedoras in each of the gift bags.

Those Stanzos are nice.

I mean, I don't know about fedoras for a baby shower, though.

They're nice.

For $200, I could probably get 50 Stanzo brand fedoras.

Yeah, I don't think we're gonna do the fedoras.

You know what's cute that I saw on Etsy?

Little baby-toed flip-flops.

-Oh! -Or what about, like, a little candle?

Oh, that's cool.

Or what about a thousand plastic meatballs?

To put in the gift bags?

Yeah.

They don't go bad or stink or nothing.

For $200, I could probably get a thousand plastic meatballs.

Maybe we should keep thinking.

Okay.

Oh, I know.

What about, like, one of those little things with soaps and lotions

-from Bath & Body Works? -Oh, I like that.

You know what I saw once I thought was cute?

Tommy guns.

My friends aren't gonna buy the crap from your mob movie.

What mob movie?

-It fell apart 'cause it fucking sucked. -Goddamn it.

-[man] You brought it up. -[woman] I didn't.

I didn't even know you still had that stuff.

Where would it be?

Nobody wants a thousand plastic meatballs!

They don't even look real! They look like little pieces of shit!

[woman] You just said they look real.

[man] To them. I need to unload them.

[woman] These are my friends!

They... They look... They look real.

They don't look like little pieces of shit.

-We won't do the meatballs. -You're blowing it.

-We're doing the candles. -Yeah.

We're gonna do individual little bottles of champagne.

And then if we have any money left over--

Fifty black slicked-back-hair wigs.

What are you saying?

Fifty black slicked-back-hair wigs.

Fifty black slicked-back-hair wigs.

How much money did you put in this?

I thought it was gonna be a hit!

It turns out it fucking sucks!

Maybe we could buy a few fedoras.

It's got...

I... It's got...

You kinda got to buy 'em in bulk, otherwise it's not worth it for me.

So we have to buy all 50 of them?

It needs to be quality on my end, otherwise no fucking deal.

Oh, my God, these stink!

They're Stanzos.

They're nice.

[as mob movie character] Hey! Who took my cigars?

[slowed] Who took my cigars?

[Tommy gun firing]

[funky music playing]

She said she's gonna be another 15 minutes.

Okay, so what are we watching?

Okay, I just saw this new video.

It's called Wine Stomp Lady.

I saw that.

I don't want to wreck it, but why is she even up there?

I have one.

Oh, nice, Reggie. What is it?

Have you guys ever seen Bozo Dubbed Over?

Like Bozo the Clown?

Have you seen it? It's hilarious.

No, let's watch it.

Type in "Bozo Dubbed Over,"

and there's spaces between each of the words.

Is this it?

Yes.

It has one view, and it says it was uploaded at 6:00 a.m. this morning.

Have you seen it? It's hilarious.

[circus music playing on video]

[man] Oh, fuck.

What the fuck?

I'm not even supposed to be here.

I hope I don't jack off.

What is this, Reggie?

I guess it's, like, a viral video where Bozo dubs over.

[man] Oh, fuck, a clownputer?

Fuck that. Probably got no games.

I hope nobody goes home and fucks my mom.

Hilarious, right?

[man] What the fuck's that? Like a little circle?

Oh, fuck! I thought this guy's supposed to be bald!

What is this guy trying to do?

Is this supposed to be what Bozo's thinking or saying?

What guy? It's Bozo. Bozo did it.

Bozo did... what?

Bozo did the dub.

He's doing the dub.

Bozo is, not a guy.

[man] Um, okay.

This guy's about to jack off.

I feel like it makes more sense that a different guy is dubbing over it.

No, he's saying what he wanted to say on the show now.

Bozo is. That's Bozo's voice.

[man] This little fucking bike's a piece of shit.

Reggie, did you make this thing last night so you'd have a video to show?

[pensive ambient music playing]

[Reggie] No.

["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]

[man] I thought Mark was doing better.

Well, last night, Mark fell down and nearly hit his head on the counter.

His drinking has really gotten out of control.

It's hard, I know.

But if we're actually his friends, we have to do this intervention.

I can do Friday.

-That works for me. -We could do it at my house.

[door slams]

We could do it at my house.

It's the most comfortable, it can fit everyone. It's the perfect trap.

Plus, it's already like a party house, so he'll want to go there.

Isn't your house kinda far away?

Yeah, but it's like a complete party house.

And bring snacks so it feels like a real party.

Dawn - chips, Pat - pop, and...

Jake, why not cook something? Like a hot dip or something.

A hot dip?

A hot dip or something.

Yeah, bring it to my house.

It's settled then. Friday.

Let's bust the fucker. [laughs]

[sighs]

Come on in.

Watch your step. There's a lot of stuff around

'cause it's a big party house, so...

Whoa!

-What is this place? -[homeowner] Take a seat, Mark.

Sorry, bud, no partying tonight.

I'm afraid to say this is your intervention.

What the fuck?

You're busted, man.

No, I mean...

what is happening with your house?

-What the hell is all this stuff? -Yeah, should we do this somewhere else?

Sit down.

We're not fucking around here. Right, guys?

That chair reclines, by the way.

The tongue sticks out.

"Mark...

[poignant music playing]

you used to be my best friend.

We were like brothers,

going to the movies together, traveling, playing sports.

To see something be in control of you, and see you drinking it all away...

-[whispers] All Garfield. -"Do you know how hard that is for me?

Brother, I love you,

but I can't watch you do this to yourself anymore.

You need help."

Mark...

your drinking has made you a totally different person.

You've lost your lust for life. I'll never forget the day that I told you

that I bought Jim Davis' house, the creator of Garfield.

You just sat there, stared at me...

like I didn't just tell you I bought Jim Davis' house...

fully furnished!

And I read the e-mail that you wrote when you were drunk.

I saw how you said I spent all my money on the Jim Davis house.

How I wasted all my money on the Garfield house,

and how it's all I talk about. But you know what you didn't say?

How it came fully furnished.

"Mark, this is the hardest letter I've ever had to write.

When you showed up at my house at two in the morning,

drunk off your ass,

you scared my kids.

I'll never forget--"

And I'll never forget when I woke up at 3 a.m.,

and heard pounding on the door.

It was Jim Davis.

He forgot that he didn't live here anymore.

He came in, he pushed me around.

He goes, "Hey, where's the Garfield treasure chest?"

I said, "Dude, back off. I don't know.

I didn't touch a goddamn thing."

Meanwhile, where are you?

Drunk little bitch, you make me sick.

Guys... I just looked it up.

Jim Davis never owned this house.

What the fuck are you talking about? Who lived here?

A guy who tried to kill Jim Davis.

So you're saying I spent, like, three hours in a Garfield-shaped hot tub

with a murderer?

-[alarm beeping] -Oh, my God!

It's the guy who tried to kill Jim Davis!

I'm Garfield.

What is going on?

[laughs]

[Garfield recording] I hate Mondays.

I hate Mondays.

I hate Mondays.

-[distorted] Garfield! -I hate Mondays.

["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]

♪ There's a flame, a flame ♪

♪ A big flame in my heart ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ And believe me When I say it's burning hot ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ It's burning for you ♪

♪ Even though we are through ♪

♪ This big flame, boy, is gonna Break my heart in two ♪