Original subtitles

[laughter]

Thanks so much.

Well, now I'm looking for a volunteer from the audience.

Okay. Let's welcome him on stage. Come on up.

[laughs]

-What's your name? -Charlie.

-Charlie, so nice to meet you. -You too.

Charlie, we're gonna do just a quick sobriety test.

-Can you do that? -Yeah.

-How many balls do I have in my hand? -One.

These aren't supposed to be hard yet, Charlie.

[crowd laughs] I'll slow it down for you. Okay.

Charlie, all I want you to do is remember which hand the ball is in.

-Can you do that? -I think so.

He thinks so.

Confidence is not your strong suit, neither is your suit-suit.

All right, Charlie,

I just want you to focus on which hand the ball is in.

-Okay. -And I'll give you a hint.

It's not this one.

-Right here? -Goddamn it, Charlie.

You had one job. I'll give you one last chance.

Which hand is it in?

-Right here? -No, Charlie, it's in your pocket.

Give him a round of applause. It's Charlie.

Give it up for him.

[laughter]

All right, ladies and gentlemen,

the next trick is something that kept me out of college for...

That was really fun.

God, I'm so full.

If I didn't have to drive,

I would have probably took them up on that offer of the bourbon flight.

That's so cool.

[sighs wearily]

We should do dancing next.

So the babysitter did art with the kids. That's cool.

[chuckles]

Such a fun night.

Good night, sweetie. Love you.

[woman] Why the fuck didn't you stick up for yourself?

-What? -Why the fuck

didn't you stick up for yourself,

you fucking coward?

What are you talking about?

The magician, Charlie.

He embarrassed you.

What?

He brought you on stage,

and he insulted your intelligence.

He made fun of how you look, and you did nothing.

[laughs]

No, he was just joking around. He was a funny magician.

That fat piece of shit made you look like a fool, Charlie.

He basically pulled your little dick out in front of everyone

and jerked you off until nothing came out,

because you are a boy.

No, that is not what happened.

Look...

we will stay married

and raise the kids until they're out of the house,

but I will not respect you,

and I'll make sure the kids don't either.

Oh, my God, it was just a magic act, Brenda.

You make ten times what he makes. Why didn't you say that to him?

-I don't know if that would've helped. -Right, maybe it wouldn't have helped.

I'm glad you had fun

while everyone else had to watch an adult man

jerk your little-boy dick off.

Jesus Christ.

-[applause] -[magician] Now... Thank you.

I'd like to pick from the audience any volunteer.

-Someone-- -Yeah!

I'll do it.

Is that... That's a familiar face.

We don't usually do that, but welcome him to the stage.

-[applause] -Hello. How are you? Terrific.

I don't have a boy dick.

Okay. Okay, that's fine. Uh...

I make ten times as much as you.

Well, you wouldn't know it from the suit.

[laughter]

[yells] You ruined my fucking life!

["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson]

We here at Ford would like to thank you

for agreeing to be part of this focus group.

Your ideas will actually be used

in helping us create a brand-new model.

There are no wrong answers.

So let's go around the room,

and you just go ahead and call out features

you'd love to see implemented in your ideal car.

Whenever you're ready.

-Bluetooth capabilities. -Great.

-Voice-activated lights. -Perfect.

-Satellite radio. -Mm-hm.

-Extra cup holders. -And a phone holder.

A good steering wheel that doesn't fly off while you're driving.

[man] Rear-view camera.

-Comfy seats. -A good steering wheel

that doesn't fly off your hand while you're driving.

Uh, automatic side-view mirrors.

A great steering wheel

that doesn't whiff out of the window while I driving.

That is a good idea.

Yeah, I wrote it down.

Oh, nice.

Okay, what do we think it should look like?

-Sleek. -Good.

High-tech.

-Aerodynamic. -Too small.

-I'm sorry? -Too small.

So when you get in there, you're like,

"If the steering wheel fly off, I'm toast."

Look, I-- Okay, I don't know why we'd make it too small.

I think it's a good idea, and I stand by.

-Okay. -And you can have, like, a sporty look.

-Great. -Teacher's pet.

Any other ideas?

Stinky!

What?

What about if it is stinking inside?

Sorry, you want that in a car?

I'm sorry.

I cannot think any good car idea

because this guy keep farting.

Okay, let's just try and focus on the car.

What are some ways we can make it family-friendly?

No space for mother-in-law.

That's not helpful.

Shut up, Paul.

You probably love your mother-in-law.

I actually do.

Oh, my God, he admit it!

[group laughs]

-Paul? -What?

-Paul? -What?

[whispers] You have... no... good... car... ideas.

-Shut up. -I doing the best at this.

All right, maybe we should lay off Paul.

That's what his wife said.

[group laughs]

Okay, this car is everything.

[group celebrates]

You flinched, Paul!

Now you have to marry your mother-in-law!

Yeah, because he landed it and you flinched,

you have to marry your mother-in-law!

I did not flinch.

-You have to! You have to, Paul. -Marry your mother-in-law.

-I didn't flinch. -Come on, Paul.

If you don't, that mean you yourself

admit it yourself that you suck.

That's true. You flinched with the bottle, Paul.

Who is the most popular now, Paul?

[group leader] Paul, you have to marry your mother-in-law

if you flinched at the bottle!

[whooshing]

-[group celebrates] -Paul! You flinch!

[funk music playing]

[woman] Chronic back pain affects everything:

Your family, your job, even your leisure time.

At Laser Spine Specialists,

with our minimally invasive spine surgery,

you can be back on your feet and back in the saddle.

I never thought I'd ride again.

Thanks to Laser Spine Specialists,

I'm back on my bike and enjoying life.

I can finally get back to tending my garden.

I can finally fight my wife's new husband, Danny Crouse.

Call Laser Spine Specialists for your no-cost MRI review

and change your life today.

I'm back to helping out around the house again.

I can finally lift my son over my head again.

I can lift my son over my head again,

and there ain't shit he could do about it.

Come here, you little fuck!

Dad! What the hell?

Come on. I'm gonna get you over my head like a big boy.

He's been rude to me his whole life!

Call Laser Spine Specialists today

to learn how a less than two-inch incision

can give you a new lease on life.

I can spin my wife again.

I can play with my dog again. [dog barking]

I could get my money back from Robbie Star at Superstar Tracks Records.

-[siren wails] -[car horn blares]

You told me I could sing!

I listened to the record we made and it sucks!

Hey, I disagree, Ron.

I gave you $10,000 to make me a star!

We just need a couple more dollars to get this thing really popping off!

I'm through, Robbie.

I played "Mountain River Rock"

for my whole family and they laughed at me.

Your family hates you! Only I love you!

And that song is rockin', baby.

We got to fly Jeff Chris down from Indiana

-to mix it professionally. -You listen to me.

No more scamming adults into thinking they're stars.

I hear you tricked one more old guy at the mall--

-[thud] -What the hell, Robbie?!

Where's my airplay?

I had the radio tuned to that station you told me all weekend

and my song never came on.

Don't listen to him, he tricked me too.

He didn't trick me. I am a star. Nobody tricked me.

Hey, listen, I just got this new beat

and it is totally in your Q zone, all right?

Don't start this with me, Robbie.

-I can't sing. -It's a guaranteed goddamn hit, all right?

It's not exactly in my Q zone, is it?

I mean, yeah. It's also in Johnny's Q zone.

Johnny, do "Palm Tree" for us.

♪ Palm tree girls The palm tree guys... ♪

Don't give it to Johnny. Hold on!

Let me think about it for a minute!

[drumbeat]

♪ Moon river rock ♪

♪ Moon river roll ♪

[woman] Call Laser Spine Specialists today

and get back to the things you've always wanted to do.

You're too tight!

Need to loosen up!

It's gonna be a hit,

but you have to relax!

♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby Ba-ba-bay ♪

♪ Whoa, baby, baby, baby, bay ♪

And that was my dad, you know?

No matter how busy he was,

he always had time for his kids.

Gonna miss you, Dad.

Beautiful words, Kyle. Your father would have been so proud.

And he would have been so happy to see all of you here today.

So to honor Paul,

why don't we listen to and enjoy a beautiful song?

Oh, our organist, Peg, is under the weather,

so we have a replacement organist for the day.

And I'm now seeing that he brought his own much larger organ.

My condolences.

Let us bow our heads.

Two, three, four!

[confusing carnival song playing]

[slide whistle]

[horns honking]

[confusing music continuing]

[honk]

[music stopping]

My condolences.

Thank you, New Joe.

The thanks is all mine, Parson.

I would like to now call up Paul's daughter, Olivia.

And I'll play her on.

That is not necessary.

This one is somber, so it's all right to cry.

It's called "He Layeth on High,"

and it's about a big baby duck

who gets his head caught in a stewed tomato,

so hold on to your hats.

Two, three, four!

-[rapid jaunty melody playing] -[honk]

[plate breaks, jaunty melody continues]

-[jaunty melody continues] -[honk]

[slide whistles]

-[plate breaks] -[cymbal]

-New Joe. -[honking]

New Joe!

Keep going?

No.

-[old-fashioned vehicle horn] -melody continues]

-[honk] -[plate breaks]

-[high-pitched slide whistle] -[melody continues]

[melody stopping]

♪ Yah-yah-yah-yah-yah-yah ♪

Your new boyfriend seems very mature.

Yeah, Howie's great.

He works at the tobacco shop my mom buys cigars at.

All right, let's play.

Your record collection's very meat and potatoes, Liz.

Oh, thank you.

No, it just means you don't have anything rare in there.

Okay, everyone got a celebrity name in?

All right, Team One, you're up.

-[man] Remind me the rules again? -You can say anything you want,

just don't say the name you pull out of the hat.

-Okay. -Okay.

-Ready? -All right, let's do this.

And... go.

-He was in Ocean's Eleven. -Matt Damon.

No.

He has a tequila, silver fox...

-George Clooney. -Yes.

Okay, she was a pretty woman.

-Julia Roberts. -Yes. Okay, um...

All right, I guess this is a musician.

-John Mayer. -No, older...

-Time. -Goddamn.

It's jazz legend Marcus "The Worm" Hicks.

[giggles] Okay, who put that in?

That one might be one of mine.

Okay, Team Two, we're up.

Howie, you go first.

[sighs] All right.

[groans]

-This is a cool hat. -Okay, ready?

-And... go. -All right, this guy

ran with Thaddeus Finks.

He was one of the Eight Balls in Mookie Kramer and the Eight Balls.

This doesn't sound like anything.

He played the alto sax with the kink in it.

-I don't know. -Not sure.

Really? Okay, pass.

Okay, this one's easy. He's got the freak lips,

he can hit the high C all night long.

He was king of the tuk-tuk sound.

Is this another jazz guy?

Laura, you know this.

-I need another hint. -I told you this guy's life story

that night we had dinner.

I took you to Chartreuse.

It was the same dinner that you said you don't like any PDA.

I tried to give you those little kisses, and you said no PDA. Remember?

I criticized you for being addicted to your phone,

and tried to make it up to you by buying you the entire dessert menu.

And she didn't even take a bite.

-Time. -Come on, guys!

We didn't get one.

Because they're supposed to be celebrities everyone knows.

Oh, you mean like household names like Roy Donk,

or Jack Marshall who wrote The Munsters' theme song?

Roy Donk?

Okay, sweetie, I think you're just hungry.

-Eat some of your Arizona walnuts. -That's a good idea.

Where be your nutcracker?

Uh, I mean, I think we have one in our Christmas stuff in the attic.

Oh, great. Well, that'll only take you a sec.

Okay.

-Yeah, I guess I'll go get that. -Thanks.

[groans]

-All right, Team One, let's go. -Okay.

He's Iron Man.

-Robert Downey Jr. -[woman] Yes. Okay...

Oh, I think this one's Howie's.

Yeah, I don't know what to do.

Just do Charades.

Ooh!

Oh, I wish I could hear what she's playing, man. She's off the map.

Time.

-What was it? -Tiny "Boop Squig" Shorterly.

I mean, come on, is that even a celebrity?

He's no Roy Donk, but he was a regular guest on The Colgate Hour.

What's The Colgate Hour?

Excuse me!

-Oh, my God. -What? I said, "Excuse me."

All right? We all do it.

Let's not make a big deal about it. It's embarrassing.

-Here's your nutcracker, Howie. -Oh, thanks, but I changed my mind.

Listen, I saw you had some gazpacho soup in your fridge.

Can I have some gazpacho soup?

[wearily] Yes, you can have some gazpacho soup.

[Howie] All right, let's get back into it.

[groans] Okay.

It's my turn. My turn. Okay, let's see.

Well, he was a frequent guest on The Colgate Comedy Hour.

The radio program. Come on.

-I don't know what The Colgate Hour is. -Okay, pass. Okay.

I don't know if this will help you,

but he was also a frequent guest on The Colgate Comedy Hour.

He did panels with Paul Julian,

the guy who did the voice of the Road Runner. "Beep-beep."

Don't you remember how we listened to his whole album

that one night I told you you'd never be a good writer

-'cause you don't have a curious mind? -Time.

-Damn it. -Who was it?

Paul Bufano. Paul Bufano, how hard is that?

Paul Bufano! Come on.

Jeez! You don't remember that night

we listened to the whole album Cafeteria Jangle?

It's the night you gave me that Fitbit

and I said I would get wrist cancer from it.

You said, "It's the cigars you smoke that's gonna give you cancer.

It's the T-bone steaks you eat that are gonna give you cancer."

You don't remember that?

[woman] Just have some gazpacho, Howie.

[Howie] Oh, my gazpacho soup is here.

[exclaims]

-This gazpacho soup just burned my lips. -The gazpacho?

Yeah, it's been sitting out. It warmed up.

It warmed up so much that it burned your lip?

Let me explain something to you. If you're expecting something ice cold,

and you bring it up to your lips and it's room temp,

it's going to feel like your mouth's on fire.

It's gonna feel like your body's on fire.

-No way, man -[Howie] You know what? I'm bored.

This party's officially boring. I'm bored,

and you people are very rude. Listen, let's get out of here.

All right? My buddy Ray, his parents are out of town.

He's gonna let us use his basement for "if you know what I mean."

You guys really embarrassed me in front of Howie.

["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson]

♪ There's a flame, a flame ♪

♪ A big flame in my heart ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ And believe me when I say It's burning hot ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ It's burning for you ♪

♪ Even though we are through ♪

♪ This big flame boy is gonna Break my heart in two ♪