Original subtitles

Hello, I'm Jimmy Carr and this is The Fix,

the show where we take the world's biggest problems

and try and solve them.

And the world's biggest problem is the world is getting hotter.

Our planet's been around for over four billion years,

and we've been able to ruin it in just a century.

It's actually pretty impressive if you think about it.

The oceans are rising,

glaciers are melting

and devastating freak weather patterns are becoming the norm.

In fact, a better name for global warming might be Arma-fucking-geddon.

97% of academics agree global warming is caused by human activity.

The other 3% of academics are being paid so much money by oil companies,

they literally couldn't give a shit.

Because their natural habitats are being destroyed,

many species of animals could become extinct.

So eat that snow leopard while you can. Stocks are limited.

Thanks to global warming,

the world is drowning and on fire.

It's like we're all living inside Kanye West's mind.

Terrifying.

Luckily, I've got four very funny comedians and half an hour to kill.

We've got this. Welcome to The Fix!

Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

Here's how the show works.

I've challenged two teams of comedians to come up with a fix for global warming.

Our studio audience will be voting for their favorite at the end of the show.

That'll be that, problem solved.

Joining me this evening are DL Hughley and Ron Funches.

And Katherine Ryan and Sasheer Zamata.

Later on, we'll be hearing the fixes,

but, before that, let's take a closer look at the problem.

Okay, global warming. Sasheer, what do you think?

Well, I think maybe

the Earth is supposed to die.

I mean, I want it to last as long as possible, but...

it's kind of like being in a toxic relationship.

Like, if my boyfriend's being bad to me,

I can recycle all I want, but...

If he's taking my resources, I should cut it off. You know?

Feels like they knew the guy. "Yeah."

Okay, Ron, what do you think?

It's got its pluses and minuses...

I mean, I'm a summertime boy. I like the heat myself.

I get to wear a lot of fun t-shirts.

I can show them off. That's fun for me.

Good that we're not getting right to the heart of the issue straight away.

No, hot can be fun sometimes.

It's fun to be thirsty sometimes.

Katherine, what do you think? Global warming?

I'm undecided.

I feel that enough corporations

with interests financially in fossil fuels and a destructive agenda,

if they paid me enough money,

I could be persuaded to pretend like it didn't exist.

You know, a big shout-out, American Petroleum.

So you're saying that you're for sale in terms of your belief in global warming?

I'm absolutely for sale.

And why not?

If you're going to convince me global warming exists,

you've got to first convince me science exists.

Why do you think an oil company

are going to pay you for saying global warming isn't real?

Look, I used to work at Hooters and people paid me to do that.

It's always wise to have a side hustle.

And my side hustle is...

American Petroleum!

Keeping us safe for billions of years.

And billions more to come.

So enjoy your coal.

You've got a great shot at winning tonight, I'd say.

Sasheer, do you know anyone that seriously doesn't believe in the science?

That doesn't believe in global warming.

I'm not friends with dummies, so no.

What about you guys? Do you know anyone that's not convinced?

I mean, my sister goes to this church that doesn't believe in it.

And then my crazy Uncle Jerry doesn't believe in it.

- Crazy Uncle Jerry? - Mm-hmm.

That's a weird first name.

Well, if you knew him, you'd know that's his first name.

You don't look at him and go, "Okay, that's stable Uncle Jerry."

Do they... So neither of them believe in global warming?

No, my sister's church think it's caused by, like, homosexual marriage.

So... I don't know.

You think homosexual marriage might be the problem?

For global warming?

It's pretty hot, I guess.

Why do religious people think

it's always gays and abortions that start all the floods?

Like it's not Harvey Weinstein and Bill Cosby fucking everybody?

It's not that.

How environmentally aware are you? Do you recycle?

No, I do not...

...recycle.

I've been known to date the odd married man. I've done that.

But...

That's not the kind of recycling we're talking about.

I don't have to.

Because I'm a very good girl every Christmas

and my contribution to coal is low.

And it's an unpopular opinion,

but someone has to say it,

polar bears needed to lose weight.

How...

How did that get applause?

Where are we finding these people that went,

"Yeah, those polar bears have had it too easy too long"?

Okay, here's a question. What worries you most?

Rising sea levels, extreme weather, mass extinction? What do you think?

Well, I'm a black man,

so we've been worried about mass extinction for a long time, so...

If it's a little hot when we get there, ah, fuck it, it'll be alright.

I'm going to jump off that.

I guess we'll go with the rising sea levels because of the swimming.

- Because of the swimming? - Mm-hmm.

I'm making racial jokes.

What does worry you the most about global warming and climate change?

I mean, mostly my popsicle bill is crazy now.

What do you really want me to do?

Apply yourself to this problem and come up with a solution.

Okay, let's... stay inside.

Okay, Katherine, what do you think?

I'm most worried about the Chinese...

who...

invented global warming as a hoax

to undermine the American manufacturing industry.

Are you being paid by someone to say that, Katherine?

I enjoy Exxon.

In 1920, Jimmy, they were worried about global cooling.

Did that happen?

Give me a break.

You can't prove it exists.

There are a lot of people who believe that it doesn't and I...

am joining them.

97% of scientists think global warming is a real thing caused by man.

I'm just trying to give a voice to the American people.

Any idiot can do that now and win.

Vote for me.

Okay, now we all think we know what causes global warming,

but there are lots of ways we're contributing without even knowing it.

DL, Ron, pick a picture and I'll tell you a way that we're ruining the world. -6543

I want this old guy eating a burger.

He looks like he's having a good time.

So you've chosen the person eating a cheeseburger.

The production of one cheeseburger

causes 6.1kg of CO2 emissions.

- Jesus. - Oh, okay.

That's largely down to the methane produced in farming beef.

In other words, cow farts.

- DL, do you eat a lot of cheeseburgers? - I do not.

How do we know this is real?

Maybe Chick-fil-A put you up to this shit.

It's true.

Yeah. Yeah, that's the problem with Chick-fil-A.

Ron, do you eat a lot of cheeseburgers?

Yeah.

Would that stop you eating cheeseburgers?

No.

Jimmy, I don't know if you know about me,

but I lost, like, 140lb. Like...

I work out six days a week, Monday through Friday.

I drink a protein shake for lunch every day

and I do that just so on Saturday I can eat a fucking cheeseburger.

Nobody's taking that from me.

Not you, not science.

Not India.

Nobody.

Well, I'll call my friends India and science

- and I'll tell them to back off. - Tell them I've got beef with them!

Sasheer, Katherine, what would you like to pick?

Um...

The ba...

There's no... You don't win anything.

Let's do the toilet.

Okay.

She's so close. She could just go.

Why is she...

Why is she holding it?

Just go.

Okay, so you've chosen the person needing the toilet.

We all know air travel is bad for the environment,

but did you know having a full bladder makes it worse?

If every passenger on a plane has a full bladder,

it adds an extra 240lb of weight

and therefore the plane uses more fuel.

So, in Japan, an airline has encouraged everyone

to visit the washroom before they get on the plane.

Oh, well, that sounds like my mom.

"Make sure you go to the bathroom before we leave." You know?

Actually very environmentally sound advice.

Yeah.

I think it's common courtesy

not to go to the bathroom on a plane if you can avoid it.

I think just please don't. Why...

Sometimes as soon as you're on the plane, people use the bathroom.

Those are my enemies.

DL, what do you think of that?

Would that make you pee before you got on the plane?

Not as much as I paid for first-class tickets. I'm peeing while I go.

You're going...

You're going to take care of me and my pee in first class.

What's your... What's your airplane routine, Ron?

Oh, okay.

Normally, I get through security

and then I make a cross because I got all my drugs through.

Then I get on that plane, I board.

Hopefully I'm in first class, but not always. I'm not up where DL is.

Then I put on my headphones, I listen to a podcast

and then I wait for everybody to calm down.

Then I go in the bathroom and I pee and I vape weed in there. It's great.

Okay.

Are you a member of the mile high club?

No. I mean, do people really do that?

That sounds horrible.

I think they do.

"The mile high club" makes it sound very glamorous,

but what they're saying is "We had sex in a chemical toilet."

Yeah. If you're fucking in a plane, you just...

What, is this Spirit Airlines?

Okay, pick a picture,

Ron, DL.

The lady holding the urn with "Albert" on it.

She looks pretty pleased he's dead, doesn't she?

She did it.

She definitely killed him. 100%, yeah.

Also, how big was Albert?

- That's a massive urn right there. - Fat Albert.

Is that Fat Albert?

Okay, every year in the US,

about 250,000 tons of CO2

are released due to the cremation of human bodies.

That's the equivalent of the damage done by 41,000 cars.

Well, that's because Americans are so fat right now.

We could solve that problem by skipping breakfast.

I don't want to be cremated. I just want to be shot into space.

Just shoot me into space...

Sorry, is this after you're dead or would you like that to be cause of death?

Honestly, I would do it now.

Get me out of here.

Okay, the most environmentally friendly way to get rid of a body is this.

The body suit.

Within it there are special mushrooms that will sort of absorb and eat your body

in a very environmentally friendly way.

It's like a death suit.

Happy birthday, Grandma.

I don't know why it has buttons though.

Someone's trying to look at these dead titties? Like why...

You'd be surprised.

It's true.

I've got friends that just dress like this to go to raves though.

What do you think of that? Being eaten by mushrooms after you die.

You eat mushrooms a lot now. It seems only fair.

Yeah, it sounds fun. It sounds like the circle of life to me.

I eat mushrooms and then I become mushrooms

and then my friends eat those mushrooms and then they get high

and then they see me.

Sure.

Have you got...

Have you got a plan for your funeral? Do you know what's going to happen?

Thank you for asking.

Go on, what's the... Is it cremation, burial? What sort of thing?

Okay, if I'm single when I die,

I just want to be buried.

Just get rid of me.

But if I'm married,

I want to be turned into, like, an animatronic robot...

and just put on my couch, so then when she...

I want her to move on and date,

but then, when they come over, I want to be like,

"Oh, so you think you can replace me?"

That's dope.

DL, what are your funeral plans?

I hope I'm surprised.

"Guess what day it is?"

Okay, here on The Fix, we have our very own data expert.

Please welcome Mona Chalabi!

Hi!

Hey, Mona. So we're looking for data on global warming.

What have you got for us?

Well, Jimmy, we all know which countries are the big main polluters.

China, the US, India, and Russia.

But that's hardly surprising.

They all have huge populations that inevitably consume more energy.

So I wondered whether the list of the biggest polluters would look different

if you took population size into account.

And it turns out it does.

Let me show you how with some illustrations.

With 13.5 metric tons of carbon produced per person per year,

there's one country that's clearly culpable.

Qatar.

But before we blame Qatar too much,

it's worth considering why this tiny nation

with a population of less than three million people

guzzles this much carbon.

It's because Qatar extracts petroleum and natural gas,

which it then exports to the rest of the world.

It's no wonder then that other energy exporters,

like Kuwait, the United Arab Emirates and Bahrain

are also among the biggest polluters per person.

The other big offenders on the list also have something in common.

Islands like Trinidad and Tobago, Curacao and Sint Maarten

are all popular vacation destinations.

We show up as tourists, stay in huge, energy-wasting hotels,

bump up their per capita CO2 emissions

and then disappear again.

So even though this new list of the biggest polluting nations

paints a different picture to what we might expect,

it's still all our faults.

That's extraordinary.

You're saying these tiny nations are actually worse environmental polluters

than the big nations.

If you look at it on a per person basis, yeah.

Where's the best place? Where's got the lowest emissions?

It's Tuvalu.

- What, sorry? - Tuvalu.

- What's Tuvalu? - It's a country.

Which is near...

I'm sorry, Mona, the data expert.

I think it's a West African country. Does anyone here know?

What do you...

- Oh, blame it... - No-one here knows.

Blame it on the West Africans!

Okay, I've just been told in my ear it's near Fiji,

so you could not have been more wrong.

I mean, Mona, I understand you turned up here on the first day

and you said, "I'm a data expert," and we all went, "I guess she is."

- Not geography! - Who would lie about that?

- Not geography. - Turns out...

Bullshit, Mona. Bullshit.

You've no idea.

Ask me again.

Where's Tuvalu?

Well, it's actually near Fiji.

Really?

Really, Mona?

Okay, what else have you got for us?

So, Jimmy, we know that global warming is happening

and that, because of it, sea levels are rising.

But it can be hard to grasp what the numbers mean in real terms.

With the help of some illustrations I've made,

I wanted to explain and make it all a bit more relatable.

Let's just look at very recent history. The past 25 years.

Between 1993 and 1994 alone,

the world's sea levels rose by 7mm,

about a quarter of an inch.

If you can't imagine that,

that's about the length of your nail on your little finger.

Levels have kept rising and rising

so that, by the year 1997,

the world's seas were 18mm higher than they were in 1993.

To help you understand, that's the size of an average human testicle.

Really, Mona?

You're a data expert

and you thought, "Well, this is the only thing that people will understand"?

- Did you understand it, Jimmy? - I do understand.

There you go.

Although one of mine is bigger than the other two.

Statistically...

I mean, who are these scientists teabagging their balls into the sea?

I'm using the analogies.

Maybe the water's not rising. Maybe his balls are dropping.

We don't know if it's...

Why don't...

We're all getting older, DL. We're all getting older.

Okay, Mona, get back to it.

But what about the current state of affairs?

Sea levels are now 87mm higher than they were just 25 years ago.

Almost 3.5 inches. That's about the length of a middle finger.

So what? What's a few inches between friends?

Well, our world wasn't built for these changes.

if current trends continue,

millions of people in cities like Rio de Janeiro, Shanghai and Miami

will see their homes and livelihoods destroyed as the water rises.

Even worse, as early as 2085, an entire nation, the Maldives,

will completely disappear under rising seas.

So you're saying that the problem is...

Kind of, yeah.

But if we do nothing, Florida goes away?

Fuck it. Alright.

Fascinating stuff. Thank you very much indeed, Mona.

Thank you.

Right, let's get to the heart of the show. Let's get to the fixes.

DL's going to go first

because he's got a carbon footprint like a fracking Wookie.

Please give it up for DL Hughley!

By 2020, the Earth is likely to be 1.5 degrees warmer.

And since we're not going to stop burning fossil fuels and using plastic bags,

we need a quick fix.

And that fix is...

to explode a volcano.

Yeah, I know that seems crazy,

but, at one point, so did having a black president.

In 1991, a volcano in the Philippines erupted, blocked the sun's rays

and made the Earth one degree cooler, like a big ass pair of Ray-Bans.

So let's find some volcano in the middle of the ocean far away from civilization

and blow it the F up.

Full disclosure, there are going to be some unfortunate side effects

to a volcano going up,

but here to make them feel not so bad is an adorable kid scientist.

Side effects include ash clouds,

poisoned water, acid rain, volcanic winter

and, finally, mass extinction.

The end.

Pay no attention to the kid.

Remember that this eruption will solve global warming and save our planet.

Hit it.

Volcanoes are yay!

Let's hear it for our adorable child scientist!

Thank you very much.

Okay. Ron, what do you love about this idea?

There's so many things.

I mean, as a famous scientist once said, "Volcanoes are yay."

We all know that.

And it's an easy plan.

All we really need is a bunch of Mentos and Coca-Cola apparently.

So this idea is based on real science.

When Krakatoa exploded,

the Earth's temperature cooled by 2.1 degrees Fahrenheit.

So this is a real thing that could really work.

The thing I love about it is you're fighting fire with fire.

Absolutely.

It's an absolutely brilliant plan, DL.

When I first thought you were going to blow up the Philippines,

I was on the fence.

I was like, "Well, I don't know."

But now that I hear it's in the ocean, great.

Also, I was in a relationship when a volcano erupted

and some ash made it so that people couldn't fly.

- Do you remember that? - I remember that. Yes, in Iceland.

Yes! And my partner got trapped in Amsterdam

and it was a lovely five days.

It was the break I needed to cool off and realize I was better without him, so...

There's benefits.

Okay, put your hands together, ladies and gentlemen, for volcanoes!

Now, Katherine, you've got a vested interest in environmentalism,

because you've got more plastic in you than a suffocating sea turtle.

Let's hear your team's fix.

Katherine Ryan!

Multiple lines of scientific evidence

show that the Earth's temperature is rising

and that it's extremely likely that human influence has been the dominant cause.

We can reverse global warming, Jimmy,

and we're going to do it with a vegan rebrand. Huh?

Greenhouse gas emissions would be reduced by 70% if we all went vegan tomorrow.

But less than 1% of the world's population are,

because vegans are wankers.

And most of us would rather die and watch the planet burn than join them.

Vegans are terrible ambassadors for themselves,

who maliciously parade their moral superiority

around my Buffalo chicken salad.

"Oh, my God, I'm such a good person."

Then why have you posted a baby cow snuff film to my Facebook feed, Blake?

"Yes, do you know what's actually in milk? I would never put that in my body."

Cool. Except, right now, I'm watching you snort cocaine off a stranger's ass.

I wore imitation fur one time and a vegan named Shandala yelled at me

because she said I was glorifying real fur.

Well, guess what, Shandala.

I lied. It was real fur the whole time...

...you vitamin deficient bitch.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Vegans are desperate. They're smelly and annoying.

But they are right.

So we need to help them make veganism cool.

Here's how my three-step training program works.

Step one, stop the shame.

I already know meat is delicious murder.

I don't need to see it.

Why not convince me instead that life without bacon is worth living?

Step two, don't talk about being vegan.

Just be one and, if it looks like you're nailing it, assume people will follow.

Step three, really don't ever talk about being vegan.

Don't.

Why waste the little energy that you have by pestering people?

Think of veganism like Fight Club. Namaste.

So you're reducing greenhouse gases by encouraging veganism by rebranding.

- That's right. - Okay, so this could really work.

It would have a massive effect on the environment if we all went vegan?

Right.

I know that vegans act the way they do

because they have a visceral reaction to the slaughter of animals,

but they need to cool it.

Okay, Sasheer, what do you love about this idea?

I think it's great.

I do think that vegans need to rebrand.

I've lost a lot of friends to veganism.

I mean, our skin will look better.

Our hair will look better.

We'll be healthier and, like, the...

uh, the planet will be fine.

So like...

I want this.

Are you jonesing for a cheeseburger right now?

Yes!

Yes.

What about you guys? Do you think it's a good idea?

I do. Because vegans are dicks.

- They pretty much are. - Yeah.

And there are some fat ass vegans these days. Have you ever seen them?

You cannot eat a radish and get an ass that big. That's all I'm saying.

I met a fat vegan and I thought, "Well done."

What do you think, Ron? Would you ever consider being a vegan?

Oh, I could do anything I set my mind to.

I'm a very strong-willed person.

But if I just wanted to be miserable and complaining all the time,

I'd just still be married.

Give it up for vegan rebranding!

Right, so Katherine and Sasheer

are proposing we make veganism easier to swallow

and DL and Ron are suggesting we blow shit up.

On The Fix, we're a democracy,

so our studio audience will be deciding which of these fixes to put into practice.

Okay, audience, vote for your favorite fix now.

And remember, the future of mankind is at stake, so take this seriously.

The votes are in and, with 60% of the votes, the winner is Katherine Ryan!

Yeah!

- We're all going vegan. - Well done. We did it.

So that's that. Global warming is fixed.

Thanks to Katherine Ryan, Sasheer Zamata, DL Hughley and Ron Funches,

our brilliant data expert, Mona Chalabi, everyone here in the studio

and to all of you for watching.

We'll be solving more of the world's problems

in five, four, three, two, one...

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