Original subtitles

Are we shocked that we're in the Top 10

of new and noteworthy podcasts?

No. I came up with a winning formula for Kris and I.

We both did. We're-we're both professionals.

I just love your show.

And Julie,

I think the way you choose the women that you interview

is just great.

Thank you.

Kris, your glow ups are a cross between makeup tutorials

and therapy sessions.

The one word I would use to describe them is "charming".

And-and intelligent.

I just can't wait to see where Glow Up with Kris goes next.

I know I'll be listening, and so will all my audience.

And we're good.

Oh my gosh.

Oh my gosh.

Thank you so much, Jeanne.

What an honour to be interviewed by you.

I am losing my mind.

Really, I can't breathe.

Look at me, I can't breathe.

You're just like a fashion icon.

Can I just ask you one question?

You know that episode with Ralph Lauren

when you're backstage?

I'm pretty sure that he was in love with you.

Oh my God.

I totally got that vibe too.

I knew it.

You know what I love about you, Kris?

You really connect with your guests.

You manage to make everybody feel

as though they're your best friend.

I'm dead. I'm dead.

You frigging killed me, Jeanne Beker.

I told you, it's your superpower.

Would you mind if I hugged you?

Mm, She gives the best hugs.

Doesn't she?

Yeah I guess, if you like that type of thing.

♪ I feel it all, I feel it all ♪

♪ I feel it all ♪

Can't talk right now. Can't talk.

I'm just texting with my friend Jeanne.

Jeanne who?

Jeanne Beker.

Yes, you were right.

Aubergine is my colour.

Aubergine is a fancy word for eggplant.

Now you can't say eggplant anymore

'cause millennials turned it into penis.

Millennials can turn anything into a penis.

Calm down everyone.

Oh my God,

you guys need to calm down.

I'm just texting my friend.

Yeah, it's Jeanne Beker.

Who is she? Are you kidding me?

Did you really ask me that?

She is a worldwide icon.

Nobody puts Jeanne Beker

in a corner, okay?

Jamila?

Don't you have work to do?

'Cause I know this ain't it.

This is it.

Friendships. Fun.

Emotions. Connections.

I'm gonna show ya. Here I come.

Here I come.

♪ You're gonna love what I've got to offer ♪

And here it is.

You wanna hug me back? No problem.

I know you feel it 'cause Jeanne did.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hey, are you and Kris using studio one?

We need to record a promo.

No. Something reeks in here.

Can you smell it? - Full disclosure?

COVID killed my sense of smell.

Hasn't come back yet.

That sucks but in this situation, you win.

Sick. I'm gonna take that W. Heh.

Oh my God, that is like onions and burning.

Ugh.

A hockey bag and death.

Oh, Robyn, could you come in here please?

Robyn? Robyn!

ROBYN!!!!

BYYYNNN!!!

Hey, can you hear me?

Yes. Can you hear me?

Why can't Robyn hear me?

Funny story.

You know when the Beatles were recording their Abby Road album-

Get on with it. I just, I can't.

Right. Um, before they renovated all of this,

your office was a podcast studio,

so it's pretty much a vortex for sound.

It's kind of where ambient noise goes to die.

Okay, so that's why when I call people's names,

they don't respond?

Yeah, your office is like space.

No one can hear you scream.

What's the best office to yell at people from?

Um, Julie's.

It's like an amphitheatre for yelling, big size.

I'm Jeanne Beker and the stars are out tonight.

I'm on the red carpet and the gala is in full swing.

Each year people flock to the city of love, beauty, and art.

Let me tell you something about the power of friendship.

Okay?

Before Jeanne, I was nervous for this doctor's appointment.

And now I am excited to talk about intense cramping,

being wildly horny.

Ai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai!

And heavy bleeding.

Well, if you wanna talk about blood,

I am so here for it.

My next episode is on exsanguination.

It's when all the blood is drained from the body.

Oh.

I'm pretty sure I have that.

I'm taking your office.

And a gracious good morning to you too.

What are you talking about?

Acoustics.

That didn't answer my question in any way.

Hello, hello, hello.

Hi everyone.

Do you notice anything different about me?

You're dressed like a giant dick emoji?

I am sure that you've heard about our amazing interview.

With who? I'm gonna tell you who.

Jeanne Goddamn Beker.

That's right.

And we are delivering, as promised,

a hit show according to Jeanne's fans.

And she has tons so guess what we're gonna do?

We're gonna bring it in for group hug celebration.

Gimme your hands, bring it in. - Oh, yeah, no.

Hold my hands. Don't think about it. Go.

- No touching. - We love each other.

Whoa. Okay, just-

No, we don't love each other because Evan just announced

he's stealing my office.

Well we're having a little discussion about it.

No discussion. You came in here

and told me you were taking office.

It's called an executive decision, Julie.

More like an executive theft, Evan,

You can call it whatever you want

because it is happening.

This isn't over, scooter.

I heard that.

Wonderful acoustics.

I heard it too.

Same.

First he takes my job,

now he's gonna take my office?

At least you got an office.

I gotta leave my stuff all over your shitty black couch.

He will not win. I will find a way.

I will beat him.

Honey, guess what?

You need one of these. Uh uh. - No.

Yeah, you do. - No, I never need one.

Shh. Don't think about it. Don't think about it.

Don't think about it. And oh, mm, Lord above,

is that you or is that your office?

No, it's me. It's my- - Holy. I can barely...

Oh my God, it's like poison. I could...

I am aware.

♪ Ooh, that smell ♪

♪ Can't you smell that smell? ♪

Ooh, lemony. That'll be nice.

Oh!

Okay. No.

Hand sanitizer.

♪ The smell of death surrounds you ♪

Oh, that made it stronger somehow.

All right, air freshner.

Oh! That was a terrible idea.

Ah! Ah!

The ocean breeze, flowers.

Death. Fuck!

♪ The smell of death surrounds you ♪

Of course it's menopause.

Why wouldn't it be?

I feel like garbage,

why shouldn't I smell like garbage too?

It's perfect.

Oh my gosh, I can smell it.

Oh, it's wonderful.

Oh, thank you. Oh, it smells awful.

No, not only do I smell like a water buffalo,

but Evan is stealing my office.

Can he do that? What's it say in the handbook?

There's a handbook?

Yeah. How do you think I'm allowed to have smoke breaks?

You don't smoke.

You don't have to. It says so in the handbook.

Huh. - I'm gonna smell everything.

Oh, this is amazing.

A whole new world!

Wash your hands?

Is this gonna take long 'cause I have to get to work.

You can't put a clock on human bonding.

Jeanne Machine told me that.

Do you know where I can find a copy of the office handbook?

I haven't seen that thing in years.

Maybe Mo has it.

Of course. He's obsessed with rules.

By the way,

Kris asked me to look into booking Ripley's Aquarium?

She wants to do an episode in the stingray tank.

What?

Apparently Jeanne Beker told her that the water was only

knee-high in the tank,

and now Kris won't let it go.

And she says she wants to-

Let me guess. Do a wet look glow up?

Yep. She wants to hug a stingray.

Kris is outta control.

Thank you.

Can I speak to you for a moment in my office, please?

We're all friends here. Hold my hands.

We don't have time. Just hurry up.

What's up, Julesey-Boolzey?

You cannot book a stingray tank without consulting me.

The thing is, honey bear,

you don't understand about aquatic creatures,

or true emotional connection.

When you have the quality

of being "everybody's best friend",

which you don't,

and I have 'cause Jeanne said so,

I am able to make these decisions.

It's good for the show.

I need to go,

someone over there needs to be touched.

Mo, I need you to solve two problems for me

that should have been solved a long time ago.

And you can't say no.

Let's just take a deep breath-

Nope. Zero breaths left to give.

Do you have an office handbook?

Hmm? Do I have an office handbook?

Yeah, I think I do.

Great. That's problem number one.

Problem number two.

Oh, that's not good.

Jeanne Beker has created a monster

and it is affecting our work environment,

which is why I need you to go and tell Kris to stop.

And while you're at it can you ask her

not to hug me so much?

Don't ya think that might be better coming from you?

You know, I don't think I'm the guy for the job.

You're HR.

You're literally the guy for the job.

Errr...

Oh my God.

What? - You like Kris.

What?!

What? What? Yeah, okay, I do.

I, I, I, I like her,

but I don't like, like her, like her.

I like all kinds of things.

I like you. I like, I like these things.

I like, I like garlic bread.

Right? I mean...

I think HR doth protest too much.

Well, good luck getting this office in line.

Okay.

Attention everyone.

Mandatory meeting this afternoon

to discuss proper office behaviour.

Someone's in trouble...

Just take it.

Closed throats make good teams.

That's it.

HR meeting, eh?

Yeah, it's not a good sign.

What do you think it's about?

I have my suspicions.

Lizzie Borden loves yogurt, doesn't she?

It's definitely not about me.

I feel bad for whoever it is about though,

because that is not great for them.

Sound man!

I need all of these signed by end of day.

I'm off to my Pilates class,

tell everyone I'm in a meeting for the next hour.

Find a nice, comfortable place to sit

away from all the distractions of your day.

Hey, is this meeting about me?

No. - Cool. Carry on.

There's nothing in this manual to help me.

Oh God.

The smell's getting worse. Ugh.

Hey, I need you outta here by tomorrow.

My designer needs a day to prep the walls,

move in the new furniture.

You're gonna have to desk hop

until they move everything outta my office.

Okay.

♪ Ooh that smell ♪

♪ Can't you smell that smell? ♪

♪ Ooh that smell ♪

Hey Julie, what's going on?

Leaving a little housewarming gift for Evan.

There's nothing in the handbook,

so I'm helping myself.

Good. - Yeah.

Okay.

Hmm.

I know who the seminar is for.

You do? Who told you?

I saw it for myself.

Poor Julie.

She is not going to take this well.

I need you to give it to me goddamn straight.

Is she about to be publicly torn a new one?

Humiliated? What's your plan, Mo?

Because I need to protect my friend Julie.

I can't really talk about this, Kris.

Okay. Okay. You know what?

This is, this is worse than I thought.

All right. Ooh, waka.

You know what? Julie's gonna flip.

If she flips, she's gonna get fired.

If she's fired, I'm fucked.

And then I'm back at Dominion Drug Mart.

And what does the Jeanne Machine gonna think of that?

You are never going back there.

Whoop. Don't touch her, Mo.

What are you gonna say to her, Mo?

That's confidential.

That is bullshit.

Oh, huh?

This is what you're gonna ask her, yeah? Right here.

Lemme see what you got. "Appropriate office behaviour".

When she has a hot flash, she does go wild on everyone.

Crap. Okay, next one.

"Active listening".

Julie listens to...

Oh my God, absolutely no one.

Shiiit.

Uh, can I have those back please?

This is gonna be brutal.

It might even be a bit worse than that.

Okay, I know what you need to do.

You need to cancel the meeting.

Ooh, I'd love to, but I can't do that.

You're gonna do your magic.

Yeah, that's it.

Because it's gonna soften the room.

It'll be easier for Julie to take.

Trust me, because I am an expert on connectioning.

You know who told me that?

Jeanne Goddamn Beker. Thank God I'm here.

You're a genius, Mo.

I will see you later.

Also, can you just keep this HR seminar pretty tight?

I have a doctor's appointment.

It's the first one, I really wanna nail it.

I still don't know who this is about.

Neither do I.

Just waiting on a few stragglers.

Okay. Uh...

Uh, welcome.

Okay. It's great that you're all here. Wow.

Mo, it was mandatory.

So, um

there's been some positions shifting,

uh, which means this is an opportune moment, um,

to review some expectations in the office.

But let's do it in a really fun, relaxed way.

Let's have some fun here.

Robyn uses the studio to record their album.

That was his idea.

And besides, it's not as bad

as Chelsey bringing her cat to work.

Lizzie Borden never hurt anyone.

It's no wonder I gotta take my allergy medication

every time I come into this place.

Tell her to leave that cat at home.

Is that why you nap in Evan's office?

You nap in my office?

Most definitely.

But I wouldn't need to if someone didn't keep stealing

my energy drinks from the fridge.

That's why I label everything "Kombucha",

because nobody likes to drink fizzy vinegar.

I don't care about body parts, or kombucha or cats.

This meeting should be about people

who disrespect my authority.

And people who are babies when they don't get their way.

For example, I say that I am moving into Julie's office.

My word is final.

No one is taking my office.

I actually am taking her office

because I told her this this morning.

Okay. This is great. - I told her...

We'll get to everybody's concerns in due time.

But today we are here

to discuss...

Boundaries. Boundaries.

I think what, um...

Mo is trying to say, good job, Mo,

is that, you know, appropriate office behaviour is important.

But we all make mistakes

and we shouldn't be singled out. So...

Exactly.

We can change and learn to do better in the office.

And you know what?

Sometimes we just get carried away.

You know? Especially when somebody important gives us

too many compliments.

Yeah. And what do we not do when we're angry?

We don't, everyone,

rub our body parts all over the furniture.

Prepare to be amazed!

Oh my God. Mo. Yeah, Mo.

No, I gotta give you that.

That's, that's pretty good.

I don't do fake flowers.

That's so good.

Okay. That's super cool, Mo.

But, um, why are we here?

This could have been an email.

Yeah, Mo, just get on with it.

Okay, everybody please sit down.

Uh... uh, okay.

Uh, employees are not allowed to touch anyone in the office

without consent.

That means, um...

no hugging, no handholding,

no massages, no trust falls,

no passing citrus fruit neck-to-neck,

no piggybacks, no conga lines.

It's okay.

I get it. It's about me.

Understood.

Um...

It's okay, Mo.

This session is for me.

I understand that I'm the problem.

Check.

Sorry. Um...

I'm the problem. It's me.

Prepare to see my greatest trick of all time!

Hmm?

Oh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Okay.

Oh my God! Oh my God!

No, Mo, do I have your consent?

Do I have your consent?

Oh my God! - Oh, he's choking.

This is not a hug! This is not a hug!

Oh my gosh, can someone take over?

I have a doctor's appointment.

Oh! Ew! - Ah!

That's good.

Just say...

I'm just gonna say, Dr. Kent, I'm here to talk about

my bleeding vagina, and...

Oh hey, Dr. Kent, first name Clark?

Mmm... no. David.

Oh, I was joking around.

Ah, it's like a Clark Kent, Superman.

You're a superhero, like a doctor,

but you're a Superman hero.

It's so nice to meet you. Finally.

Like to get in to see you.

Huh? Lovely. This is good.

- Wonderful. - Yep.

So, uh, what brings you here today?

Well...

I've written down my list of symptoms for you,

so that's good. And I have that ready to go.

So you've got heavy bleeding, cramps and irregular period.

And you are 44.

Yeah. Exactly.

Oh, it's completely normal for a woman your age.

Okay.

Thanks for having me.

Evan, I don't like losing and I don't like being out of control.

The seminar was because of me.

It's not your fault that Michael's an asshat

and gave you my job.

And if Kris wants to hug a stingray or me

or anyone else, then as her producer,

I need to make that happen.

So, I would like to offer you my office

and I hope you will give me yours.

And then in your old office, which will be my new office,

I will line up a killer rest of the season

for Glow Up with Kris.

Oh hey!

Um, I meant to tell you:

I don't want your office anymore.

You know, after that seminar I realized I don't really care

what any of these people are talking about.

If I want people to hear me,

I'll send them a text.

Oh, and also there's a weird smell in your office.

Yes, there is.

Ah, there you are.

That was a fast doctor's appointment.

What are you doing?

Are you okay?

I'm just about to unfriend Jeanne Beker

because I don't deserve a friend like her.

Of course you do.

No, I don't 'cause I'm the type of person

that wastes all this time trying to make a doctor's appointment

and then I waste the doctor's time with a bunch of symptoms

that are completely normal for a woman my age.

He said your symptoms are normal?

Just because he said they're normal doesn't mean he's right.

It's your body and you know best what's normal for you.

Oh, sorry. No hugs.

No, come on. Bring it in.

Really? - Yeah. Come on. Yeah.

I'm so sorry that happened to you.

It was so horrible. - Oh, I know.

But you know, Kris...

I'm gonna have to go back in there and advocate for myself?

- I'm so sorry. Yeah. - Ugh.

You do. Because as women,

sadly that's what we have to do.

But there is some good news.

I would like you to gather up your weird crap

and come with me to our new office.

What?

I'm inviting you to share my office with me.

Holy shit!

No, no! One hug a day. One.

Did you know that that HR meeting was about me?

No.

I wonder who complained? You know what?

It's probably Evan, that almost-office stealing thief.

He looked at me funny.

I mean, he looks at everyone funny, right?

Wait.

We're gonna need a scented candle to cover that left pit.

Yeah, we shouldn't use that one

'cause I really, you know, I jammed it up in there.

Yeah, I saw you do it.

♪ Ooh, that smell ♪

♪ Can't you smell that smell? ♪

♪ Ooh, that smell ♪

♪ The smell of death surrounds you ♪

♪ Now they call you

♪ Prince Charming

♪ Can't speak a word when you're full of 'ludes ♪