All language subtitles for Small Achievable Goals s01e04 The HR Seminar.eng

Are we shocked that
we're in the Top 10

of new and
noteworthy podcasts?

No. I came up with a winning
formula for Kris and I.

We both did.
We're-we're both professionals.

I just love your show.

And Julie,

I think the way you choose
the women that you interview

is just great.

Thank you.

Kris, your glow ups are a
cross between makeup tutorials

and therapy sessions.

The one word I would use to
describe them is "charming".

And-and intelligent.

I just can't wait to see where
Glow Up with Kris goes next.

I know I'll be listening,
and so will all my audience.

And we're good.

Oh my gosh.

Oh my gosh.

[Julie].
Thank you so much, Jeanne.

What an honour to be
interviewed by you.

I am losing my mind.

Really, I can't breathe.

[gasps] Look at me,
I can't breathe. [gasps]

You're just like
a fashion icon.

Can I just ask
you one question?

You know that episode
with Ralph Lauren

when you're backstage?

I'm pretty sure that he
was in love with you.

Oh my God.

I totally got that vibe too.

I knew it.

You know what I love
about you, Kris?

You really connect
with your guests.

You manage to
make everybody feel

as though they're
your best friend.

I'm dead. I'm dead.

You frigging killed
me, Jeanne Beker.

I told you,
it's your superpower.

Would you mind
if I hugged you?

Mm, She gives the best hugs.

Doesn't she?

Yeah I guess, if you
like that type of thing.

? I feel it all,
I feel it all ?

? I feel it all ?

Can't talk right now.
Can't talk.

I'm just texting with
my friend Jeanne.

Jeanne who?

Jeanne Beker.

Yes, you were right.

Aubergine is
my colour.

Aubergine is a fancy
word for eggplant.

Now you can't say
eggplant anymore

'cause millennials
turned it into penis.

Millennials can turn
anything into a penis.

Calm down everyone.

Oh my God,

you guys need
to calm down.

I'm just texting
my friend.

Yeah, it's
Jeanne Beker.

Who is she?
Are you kidding me?

Did you really
ask me that?

She is a worldwide icon.

Nobody puts
Jeanne Beker

in a corner, okay?

Jamila?

Don't you have
work to do?

'Cause I know
this ain't it.

This is it.

Friendships. Fun.

Emotions. Connections.

I'm gonna show ya.
Here I come.

Here I come.

? You're gonna love what
I've got to offer ?

And here it is.

You wanna hug me back?
No problem.

I know you feel it
'cause Jeanne did.

[Julie sniffing]

Hmm.

[Julie sniffing]

Hmm.

[Julie sniffing]

[Julie sniffing]

Hey, are you and Kris
using studio one?

We need to
record a promo.

No. Something reeks in here.

Can you smell it?
- Full disclosure?

COVID killed my
sense of smell.

Hasn't come
back yet.

That sucks but in this
situation, you win.

Sick. I'm gonna
take that W. Heh.

[Julie sniffing]

[playful music]

[Julie exhales deeply]

Oh my God, that is
like onions and burning.

[Julie sniffing]

Ugh.

A hockey bag and death.

Oh, Robyn, could you
come in here please?

Robyn? Robyn!

ROBYN!!!!

BYYYNNN!!!

Hey, can you hear me?

Yes. Can you hear me?

Why can't Robyn hear me?

Funny story.

You know when the Beatles were
recording their Abby Road album-

Get on with it.
I just, I can't.

Right. Um, before they
renovated all of this,

your office was a
podcast studio,

so it's pretty much
a vortex for sound.

It's kind of where ambient
noise goes to die.

Okay, so that's why when
I call people's names,

they don't respond?

Yeah, your office
is like space.

No one can hear you scream.

What's the best office
to yell at people from?

Um, Julie's.

It's like an amphitheatre
for yelling, big size.

I'm Jeanne Beker and
the stars are out tonight.

I'm on the red carpet and
the gala is in full swing.

Each year people flock to the
city of love, beauty, and art.

[lively music]

Let me tell you something
about the power of friendship.

Okay?

Before Jeanne, I was nervous
for this doctor's appointment.

And now I am excited to
talk about intense cramping,

being wildly horny.

Ai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai!

And heavy bleeding.

Well, if you wanna
talk about blood,

I am so here for it.

My next episode is
on exsanguination.

It's when all the blood
is drained from the body.

[quirky playful music]

[Chelsey].
Oh.

[playful music continues]

I'm pretty sure I have that.

[playful music continues]

I'm taking your office.

And a gracious good
morning to you too.

What are you talking about?

Acoustics.

That didn't answer my
question in any way.

Hello, hello, hello.

Hi everyone.

Do you notice anything
different about me?

You're dressed like
a giant dick emoji?

I am sure that you've heard
about our amazing interview.

With who?
I'm gonna tell you who.

Jeanne Goddamn Beker.

That's right.

And we are delivering,
as promised,

a hit show according
to Jeanne's fans.

And she has tons so guess
what we're gonna do?

We're gonna bring it in
for group hug celebration.

Gimme your hands, bring it in.
- Oh, yeah, no.

Hold my hands.
Don't think about it. Go.

[Julie] No touching.
- We love each other.

Whoa. Okay, just-

No, we don't love each other
because Evan just announced

he's stealing my office.

Well we're having a little
discussion about it.

No discussion.
You came in here

and told me you
were taking office.

It's called an
executive decision, Julie.

More like an
executive theft, Evan,

You can call it
whatever you want

because it is happening.

This isn't over, scooter.

I heard that.

Wonderful acoustics.

[Julie sighing]

I heard it too.

Same.

First he takes my job,

now he's gonna
take my office?

At least you got an office.

I gotta leave my stuff all
over your shitty black couch.

He will not win.
I will find a way.

I will beat him.

Honey, guess what?

You need one of these. Uh uh.
- No.

Yeah, you do.
- No, I never need one.

Shh. Don't think about it.
Don't think about it.

Don't think about it.
And oh, mm, Lord above,

is that you or is
that your office?

No, it's me. It's my-
- Holy. I can barely...

Oh my God, it's like
poison. I could...

I am aware.

[soft rock music]

? Ooh, that smell ?

[Julie sniffing]

? Can't you smell
that smell? ?

[sniffs] Ooh, lemony.
That'll be nice.

Oh!

Okay. [sniffs] No.

Hand sanitizer.

? The smell of death
surrounds you ?

Oh, that made it
stronger somehow.

All right, air freshner.

Oh! That was a terrible idea.

Ah! Ah!

The ocean breeze,
[sniffs] flowers.

Death. Fuck!

? The smell of death
surrounds you ?

["That Smell" by
Lynyrd Skynyrd]

Of course it's menopause.

[toilet flushing]

Why wouldn't it be?

I feel like garbage,

why shouldn't I smell
like garbage too?

It's perfect.
[Robyn sniffing]

Oh my gosh,
I can smell it.

[sniffs] Oh, it's wonderful.

Oh, thank you.
Oh, it smells awful.

No, not only do I smell
like a water buffalo,

but Evan is
stealing my office.

Can he do that? What's
it say in the handbook?

There's a handbook?

Yeah. How do you think I'm
allowed to have smoke breaks?

You don't smoke.

You don't have to.
It says so in the handbook.

Huh.
- I'm gonna smell everything.

Oh, this is amazing.

A whole new world! [sniffs]

Wash your hands?

[soft rhythmic music]

Is this gonna take long
'cause I have to get to work.

You can't put a clock
on human bonding.

Jeanne Machine told me that.

Do you know where I can find
a copy of the office handbook?

I haven't seen
that thing in years.

Maybe Mo has it.

Of course.
He's obsessed with rules.

By the way,

Kris asked me to look into
booking Ripley's Aquarium?

She wants to do an episode
in the stingray tank.

What?

Apparently Jeanne Beker told
her that the water was only

knee-high in the tank,

and now Kris won't let it go.

And she says she wants to-

Let me guess.
Do a wet look glow up?

Yep. She wants to
hug a stingray.

Kris is outta control.

Thank you.

[quirky playful music]

Can I speak to you for a
moment in my office, please?

We're all friends here.
Hold my hands.

We don't have time.
Just hurry up.

What's up, Julesey-Boolzey?

You cannot book a stingray
tank without consulting me.

The thing is, honey bear,

you don't understand
about aquatic creatures,

or true emotional connection.

When you have the quality

of being "everybody's
best friend",

which you don't,

and I have 'cause
Jeanne said so,

I am able to make
these decisions.

It's good for the show.

I need to go,

someone over there
needs to be touched.

[quirky playful music]

Mo, I need you to
solve two problems for me

that should have been
solved a long time ago.

And you can't say no.

Let's just take
a deep breath-

Nope. Zero breaths
left to give.

Do you have an
office handbook?

Hmm? Do I have an
office handbook?

Yeah, I think I do.
[chuckles]

Great. That's
problem number one.

Problem number two.

[Mo].
Oh, that's not good.

Jeanne Beker has
created a monster

and it is affecting
our work environment,

which is why I need you to
go and tell Kris to stop.

And while you're at
it can you ask her

not to hug me so much?

Don't ya think that might
be better coming from you?

You know, I don't think
I'm the guy for the job.

You're HR.

You're literally
the guy for the job.

Errr...

Oh my God.

What?
- You like Kris.

[laughing] What?!

What? What? Yeah, okay, I do.

I, I, I, I like her,

but I don't like,
like her, like her.

I like all kinds of things.

I like you. I like,
I like these things.

I like, I like garlic bread.

[laughs] Right? I mean...

I think HR doth
protest too much.

Well, good luck getting
this office in line.

Okay. [sighs]

Attention everyone.

Mandatory meeting
this afternoon

to discuss proper
office behaviour.

Someone's in trouble...

Just take it.

Closed throats
make good teams.

That's it.

HR meeting, eh?

Yeah, it's not a good sign.

What do you think it's about?

I have my suspicions.

[dreamy music]

[gasps] Lizzie Borden
loves yogurt, doesn't she?

It's definitely not about me.

I feel bad for whoever
it is about though,

because that is
not great for them.

[dreamy music]

[rhythmic bass guitar music]

[distorted] Sound man!

[dreamy music]

I need all of these
signed by end of day.

I'm off to my Pilates class,

tell everyone I'm in a
meeting for the next hour.

[meditation AI voice].
Find a nice, comfortable place to sit

away from all the
distractions of your day.

[dreamy music]

Hey, is this
meeting about me?

No.
- Cool. Carry on.

[sighs] There's nothing in
this manual to help me.

Oh God. [sniffs]

The smell's getting worse. Ugh.

Hey, I need you outta
here by tomorrow.

My designer needs a
day to prep the walls,

move in the new furniture.

You're gonna have to desk hop

until they move
everything outta my office.

Okay.

[loud rock music]

["That Smell" by
Lynyrd Skynyrd]

? Ooh that smell ?

? Can't you smell
that smell? ?

? Ooh that smell ?

Hey Julie, what's going on?

Leaving a little
housewarming gift for Evan.

There's nothing
in the handbook,

so I'm helping myself.

Good.
- Yeah.

Okay.

[Julie sniffing]
[phone busy signal chirping]

Hmm.

[quirky playful music]

I know who the seminar is for.

You do? Who told you?

I saw it for myself.

Poor Julie.

She is not going
to take this well.

I need you to give it
to me goddamn straight.

Is she about to be
publicly torn a new one?

Humiliated?
What's your plan, Mo?

Because I need to
protect my friend Julie.

I can't really talk
about this, Kris.

[Kris].
Okay. Okay. You know what?

This is, this is
worse than I thought.

All right. Ooh, waka.

You know what?
Julie's gonna flip.

If she flips,
she's gonna get fired.

If she's fired, I'm fucked.

And then I'm back at
Dominion Drug Mart.

And what does the Jeanne Machine
gonna think of that?

You are never
going back there.

Whoop. Don't touch her, Mo.

What are you gonna
say to her, Mo?

That's confidential.

That is bullshit.

Oh, huh?

This is what you're gonna
ask her, yeah? Right here.

Lemme see what you got.
"Appropriate office behaviour".

When she has a hot flash,
she does go wild on everyone.

Crap. Okay, next one.

"Active listening".

Julie listens to...

Oh my God, absolutely no one.

Shiiit.

Uh, can I have
those back please?

This is gonna be brutal.

It might even be a
bit worse than that.

Okay, I know what
you need to do.

You need to cancel
the meeting.

Ooh, I'd love to,
but I can't do that.

You're gonna do your magic.

Yeah, that's it.

Because it's gonna
soften the room.

It'll be easier
for Julie to take.

Trust me, because I am an
expert on connectioning.

You know who told me that?

Jeanne Goddamn Beker.
Thank God I'm here.

You're a genius, Mo.

I will see you later.

Also, can you just keep this
HR seminar pretty tight?

I have a
doctor's appointment.

It's the first one,
I really wanna nail it.

[quirky upbeat music]

I still don't know
who this is about.

[whispers] Neither do I.

Just waiting on a
few stragglers.

Okay. Uh...

Uh, welcome.

Okay. It's great that
you're all here. Wow.

Mo, it was mandatory.

[Mo chuckling]

So, um [clears throat]

there's been some [stammering]
positions shifting,

uh, which means this is
an opportune moment, um,

to review some
expectations in the office.

But let's do it in a
really fun, relaxed way.

Let's have some fun here.

Robyn uses the studio
to record their album.

That was his idea.

And besides, it's not as bad

as Chelsey bringing
her cat to work.

Lizzie Borden
never hurt anyone.

It's no wonder I gotta
take my allergy medication

every time I come
into this place.

Tell her to leave
that cat at home.

Is that why you nap
in Evan's office?

You nap in my office?

Most definitely.

But I wouldn't need to if
someone didn't keep stealing

my energy drinks
from the fridge.

[Robyn].
That's why I label everything "Kombucha",

because nobody likes
to drink fizzy vinegar.

[staff murmuring]

I don't care about body parts,
or kombucha or cats.

This meeting should
be about people

who disrespect my authority.

And people who are babies
when they don't get their way.

For example, I say that I am
moving into Julie's office.

My word is final.

No one is taking my office.

I actually am
taking her office

because I told
her this this morning.

Okay. This is great.
- I told her...

We'll get to everybody's
concerns in due time.

But today we are here

to discuss...

Boundaries. Boundaries.

I think what, um...
[clears throat]

Mo is trying to say,
good job, Mo,

is that, you know, appropriate
office behaviour is important.

But we all make mistakes

and we shouldn't be
singled out. So...

[Julie].
Exactly.

We can change and learn to
do better in the office.

And you know what?

Sometimes we just
get carried away.

You know? Especially when
somebody important gives us

too many compliments.

Yeah. And what do we not
do when we're angry?

We don't, everyone,

rub our body parts all
over the furniture.

Prepare to be amazed!

[Kris].
Oh my God. Mo. Yeah, Mo.

No, I gotta give you that.

That's, that's pretty good.

[Jamila].
I don't do fake flowers.

That's so good.

Okay. That's super cool, Mo.

But, um, why are we here?

[Jamila].
This could have been an email.

Yeah, Mo, just get on with it.

Okay, everybody please sit down.

Uh... uh, okay.

Uh, employees are not allowed
to touch anyone in the office

without consent.

That means, um...

no hugging, no handholding,

no massages, no trust falls,

no passing citrus
fruit neck-to-neck,

no piggybacks, no conga lines.

It's okay.

I get it. It's about me.
[chuckles]

Understood.

Um...

It's okay, Mo.

This session is for me.

I understand that
I'm the problem.

Check.

Sorry. Um...

I'm the problem. It's me.

Prepare to see my greatest
trick of all time!

Hmm?

Oh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

[Robyn].
Okay. [laughs]

[Robyn laughing]

[Mo choking]

[Julie].
Oh my God! Oh my God!

No, Mo, do I have your consent?

Do I have your consent?

Oh my God!
- Oh, he's choking.

This is not a hug!
This is not a hug!

Oh my gosh,
can someone take over?

I have a doctor's appointment.

Oh! Ew!
- Ah!

[Mo breathes in sharply]

That's good.

Just say...

I'm just gonna say, Dr. Kent,
I'm here to talk about

my bleeding vagina, and...

Oh hey, Dr. Kent,
first name Clark?

Mmm... no. David.

Oh, I was joking around.

Ah, it's like a
Clark Kent, Superman.

You're a superhero,
like a doctor,

but you're a Superman hero.

It's so nice to meet you.
Finally.

Like to get in to see you.

Huh? Lovely. This is good.

[Dr. Kent] Wonderful.
- Yep.

So, uh, what brings
you here today?

Well...

I've written down my list
of symptoms for you,

so that's good.
And I have that ready to go.

So you've got heavy bleeding,
cramps and irregular period.

And you are 44.

Yeah. Exactly.

Oh, it's completely
normal for a woman your age.

Okay.

Thanks for having me.

[gentle music]

Evan, I don't like losing and I
don't like being out of control.

The seminar was because of me.

It's not your fault that
Michael's an asshat

and gave you my job.

And if Kris wants to
hug a stingray or me

or anyone else,
then as her producer,

I need to make that happen.

So, I would like to
offer you my office

and I hope you
will give me yours.

And then in your old office,
which will be my new office,

I will line up a killer
rest of the season

for Glow Up with Kris.

Oh hey!

Um, I meant to tell you:

I don't want your
office anymore.

You know, after that seminar
I realized I don't really care

what any of these people
are talking about.

If I want people to hear me,

I'll send them a text.

Oh, and also there's a
weird smell in your office.

[gentle music]

Yes, there is.

Ah, there you are.

That was a fast
doctor's appointment.

What are you doing?

Are you okay?

I'm just about to
unfriend Jeanne Beker

because I don't deserve
a friend like her.

Of course you do.

No, I don't 'cause I'm
the type of person

that wastes all this time trying
to make a doctor's appointment

and then I waste the doctor's
time with a bunch of symptoms

that are completely normal
for a woman my age.

He said your
symptoms are normal?

Just because he said they're
normal doesn't mean he's right.

It's your body and you know
best what's normal for you.

Oh, sorry. No hugs.

No, come on. Bring it in.

Really?
- Yeah. Come on. Yeah.

I'm so sorry that
happened to you.

It was so horrible.
- Oh, I know.

But you know, Kris...

I'm gonna have to go back in
there and advocate for myself?

I'm so sorry. Yeah.
- Ugh. [blows raspberry]

You do. Because as women,

sadly that's what
we have to do.

But there is some good news.

I would like you to
gather up your weird crap

and come with me
to our new office.

What?

I'm inviting you to
share my office with me.

Holy shit!

No, no! One hug a day. One.

Did you know that that
HR meeting was about me?

No.

I wonder who complained?
You know what?

It's probably Evan, that
almost-office stealing thief.

He looked at me funny.

I mean, he looks at
everyone funny, right?

Wait. [sighs]

We're gonna need a scented
candle to cover that left pit.

[clears throat] Yeah, we
shouldn't use that one

'cause I really, you know,
I jammed it up in there.

Yeah, I saw you do it.

? Ooh, that smell ?

? Can't you smell
that smell? ?

? Ooh, that smell ?

? The smell of death
surrounds you ?

? Now they call you

? Prince Charming

? Can't speak a word when
you're full of 'ludes ?

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