Original subtitles

Here's the funny part, right?

I am bleeding from the car crash

and my mom's like,

"You can't come inside

unless David's with you."

(laughing)

I-I'm confused, are you laughing or are you crying?

It's the onions, Junior, okay?

This story is hilarious.

You got to love family

or they leave you out of the will.

Dad, I love you so much.

Yeah, you're not in the will.

Okay, maybe you got to love family,

but you ain't got to like 'em.

My brother Melvin, who's coming over?

He's the most charming, fun guy you ever want to meet.

But he's always got some crazy, harebrained scheme

that he wants you to invest your money in.

Eh, say what you want, he's my favorite uncle.

Yeah, that's because he taught you

those stupid sleight of hand magic tricks.

They're not stupid, Dad.

Magic is real.

Give me my wallet back. (sighs)

Give me my glasses back.

Look, I know what I know.

Your uncle Melvin stole my first watch

that I bought with my DJ money.

He stole and then sold it.

Dad, why do you always bring up that stupid watch?

Was it gold or something?

No, it was brass, and it turned my wrist green,

but it was mine.

Poppa. People change.

Not Melvin. He's a conman.

Half of what he says is a lie,

the other half is the setup to his lie.

(doorbell rings) Uh, that's him.

Okay, mark my words, he's gonna show up in a tracksuit

with some beautiful woman on his arm,

with a big ol' lie about why he's come empty-handed.

What's up, D?

Don't look so surprised.

Yeah, well, I haven't seen you in a suit

since your last trial.

(chuckles)

Well, I guess this is the Shawshank Redemption.

(laughter)

* Poppa's house, yeah. *

Aw, snap.

What it do, my favorite nephew?

(laughter)

What's going on with you, boy?

(laughter)

(laughing): Give my ring back.

(laughter)

You good.

Give me back my car keys.

(laughter)

(Asian accent): It look like the student

become the teacher.

Yeah, and the "teacher"

needs you to give me back my glasses.

Oh...

(chuckling)

Oh, my God. Nina.

My nephew got to be the luckiest man in the world.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, man.

She is beautiful.

(Nina chuckles)

And who, pray tell... Oh.

...is this little angel over here?

Is this Dr. Reed? No way. Mm-hmm.

Man, I was expecting a nerd with glasses

the way you described her.

Not a Victoria's Secret model.

(laughing): Oh, stop it. Call me Ivy.

(chuckles) You can be my poison any day.

(laughing)

What's up, D?

Come on, you don't give a brother no love?

Come on, man.

I'll give you some love when you give me my watch back.

Still the crabby old man.

Mad about that crappy little watch you lost.

I didn't lose it. You stole it and you sold it.

Well, here.

Bam. A $200 bottle of wine

so you can stop whining. (laughs)

You see what I did there, nephew?

Yeah, I did. (laughter)

That's called a play on words.

We call that a soliloquy.

(laughter)

Man, you should be happy.

Look at this beautiful abode you got here.

Surrounded by your beautiful family

and beautiful people.

Man. And you got you a $200 bottle of vino?

(laughs)

POPPA: Yeah, well, somebody ripped you off

because this $200 bottle of vino says it only cost $2.

You need to put your glasses on.

My glasses are already- Hey, wait a minute.

Why can't I see?

* *

Dad, you won't believe where Uncle Mel just came from.

(South American accent): Argentina.

�C�mo est�, mi amigo?

(laughs)

Hola, papi.

God, I love traveling, man.

It complete changed me, you know?

I used to be street smart,

and then I started traveling, I became world-wise.

You know, I opened me up to the what-ifs of life.

Yeah, like what if you got your foot off my chair?

(laughs)

Oh, you're serious. Okay. Yes, I'm serious.

All right.

Look, I know you want something. So, how much?

The only thing that changes with you, Melvin,

is the amount.

I got to earn my brother's trust.

POPPA: Mm-hmm.

Back in the day, believe it or not,

I used to be a wild boy. POPPA: Used to be?

Like the time you took Junior shopping

with stolen credit cards

and you both got arrested?

Don't blame me 'cause your son is slow.

Look, and they let him out 'cause I took the hit for him.

No, they let him out because he was eight years old.

And you had one of your lady friends

pick him up from the jail.

She was nice. (chuckles) I touched her boobie.

(laughs)

I have never heard any of this.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. But that's all in the past.

Right? That's behind us. I'm a futurist now.

You know, in fact, uh,

I got some tech guys that's willing

to invest in my new app.

It's gonna change the world

of psychoanalysis-analyticus.

Oh, boy, here comes the con.

Okay, wait, hold on.

Pop, I want to hear this because this is my world.

See? And that's exactly why

I'm stepping to you first.

See... (clears throat)

(snaps fingers) ...imagine, if you will,

I'm a patient.

I'm having a really bad day.

I mean, I got fired from my job

and they kicked me out the house.

Anyway, I'm really upset.

I call my therapist, she ain't nowhere to be found!

And I want to just- Going crazy.

What do I do?

What do I do? What do I do?!

We don't know. What do you do?

MELVIN: I pick up my phone,

I go to the Thera-To-You app

and boom, a qualified therapist shows up on my doorstep.

It's like Uber Eats, but for the mind.

(imitates explosion)

Oh. Yo.

Yo. (laughing)

(Junior clapping, yelping)

Okay, so let me get this straight.

You have thousands of doctors driving around in their cars

like Uber Drivers... Right. Mm-hmm.

...waiting for someone to jump off a roof?

JUNIOR: Come on, Dad.

Uncle Melvin is a visionary, okay?

Dad, this could be bigger than the George Foreman Grill.

Junior, I don't know about this.

And you know what, Nina? You- I respect that.

You know, I respect your point of view

because, you know, as his wife,

it's your fi-duck-irary responsibility

to really care about your finances.

Look, I know a good opportunity when I hear one,

and I am hearing one, Unc.

That's 'cause you are smart. Mm-hmm.

Now, if your daddy

was as smart as you are,

we'd be rich.

I am rich. (Melvin scoffs)

You ain't doomed Titanic submersible rich.

(sarcastic laugh) Nephew? Mm?

You seen the bottom of the ocean floor?

(laughs) Not a once. (laughs haughtily)

With your broke ass.

(Melvin and Junior laughing)

Nah, it's all good.

Look at him, festering in hate.

It's all good. You know what?

We'll talk about this another time.

Maybe over some coffee.

You know, away from the dream killer.

And, uh, nephew, if you want to get down,

you c-come on through, too.

No. I forbid all of you

from getting into business with him.

(gasps) Forbid me? Forbid me?

You gonna take that?

He forbids you?

(Melvin faux gasps)

Dad, I'm a grown man. I can make my own decisions.

Right, Uncle Melvin? You damn skippy.

Fine. Well, you guys do you.

Don't say I didn't warn you, okay?

But he's gonna take your money, just watch.

I feel you. I feel your-

your "cauti-arities."

And so, look, I don't want you to do anything

that your beautiful, loving heart

does not feel

it wants to do. You know? Mm-hmm.

(sips) Mm.

I was just talking to, uh, "Breenie" Brown,

and, uh, I was telling her, right,

n-nobody want it till somebody else got it.

(chuckles): And then everybody want to get it.

It's "Bren�."

Bren� Brown.

Right. You say "po-tah-to,"

I say "to-may-to."

My point is, she's in.

Thank you. Thank you.

Um...

Melvin, I don't know what to say.

Matter of fact, here,

take my number.

(quietly): It's 323-712...

(finishes indistinctly)

I forgot the area code. (chuckles)

(speaks indistinctly)

And if I'm in Europe, don't- Okay!

All right, well, thank you so much for the coffee.

Oh, you're welcome. Wait a minute.

Hold on, hold on. Mm-hmm.

I thought you asked me to coffee. I did.

Oh, see, but, man, you know, I only got bitcoin,

and I don't think they take-

Hey, y'all take bitcoin here? No.

Yeah, see? That's the problem. They don't take bitcoin.

You know what? Yeah?

This is a big red flag, okay?

I wrote a book about this.

It says, "Don't trust a brother

who won't pay for the first coffee."

And for this reason,

I'm out.

Okay!

Then bye, Shark Tank! (chuckles)

MELVIN: ...equals

money,

money, money.

Voil�.

This stuff looks like something from A Beautiful Mind.

(chuckles)

I don't understand any of it.

Neither do I. (laughs)

But, see, we don't have to.

See, there's a bunch of MIT grads

that specialize in this, right?

And these guys, they legit.

They down with the PayPal Mafia.

They build companies like YouTube

and-and eBay, Instagram.

You know? And you know what all those guys got in common?

Hot wives and bad haircuts?

Besides that.

Each one of them sold their companies

for billions of dollars.

You know why?

'Cause scared money don't make money.

You're right, but...

I only have, like, $10,237.15.

(chuckles) I don't need all that.

Just the $10,000.

(sultry voice): Sexy, sexy, sexy.

Scared money don't make no money.

(chuckling): You know what I mean?

Why are you talking like the beginning of an R&B music video?

(shushing)

Baby, baby,

don't talk.

Just listen. (clicks tongue)

Honeycakes,

this is seed money we're talking about.

Yeah, and you're gonna "seed" it go out the window.

Junior, this is exactly what your father warned you about.

Melvin is playing you.

Wh-Why are you and Pop so cynical?

If you can't trust family, who can you trust?

And just so you know, I'm not using the kids' money, okay?

I'm putting my anime collection on eBay

so I can give him the seed money.

Junior, you have been building that anime collection

your whole life.

You can't just sell it.

I wish you'd just listen to your dad.

No, no, that man's a dream killer, baby.

Which is why...

I've already said goodbye to Borg and Ceiza.

All right.

I'll be right back for you.

Oh.

Mm.

This sandwich is dry.

I know, because it's mine. Oh.

So what's up?

I got your text. What you want to talk about?

Well, Ivy told me

that you tried to hustle her over coffee.

And then I had a conversation with Nina,

and she said she's pissed off at you, too.

Mm. About what? An opportunity?

Melvin, this is her husband-

my son- that we're talking about.

You know good and well we don't do this.

We don't hustle family.

Sir would turn over in his grave if he knew

you were trying to con his grandson. Oh, wow.

This is what this about- Sir.

I knew it was something.

The problem is, you and Sir...

ain't nothing but two haters.

You always was, you always will be.

Y'all never wanted to see me win.

No. We never wanted to see you cheat to win.

How do you win if you don't cheat?

Melvin,

you have incredible gifts,

but you use them in incredibly stupid ways.

Now I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life,

but you owe it to Junior to tell him the truth.

That boy looks up to you.

So once in your life, just be honorable.

(grumbles)

I don't know.

It's gonna make it a whole lot harder to sell.

It's missing $100.

What are you talk...?

Ah! (laughs)

(both laugh)

I'm sneaky.

Yeah, you are. You are.

Good job, boy.

All right.

I drew up some designs

for our user interface on our app.

Check it out.

Oh.

Get the birth.

You did all this, nephew?

Yeah, well, we're partners, right?

I'm in this with you. Sweat equity.

Yeah.

Uh...

Partner...

since we are partners now, I want to...

I want to level with you.

All right. Uh...

there is no app.

I-I'm sorry. Come again?

There is no app.

There never was.

See, I talked to your father, and he wanted me

to have a real talk with you about what the business is,

and I told him I would.

What we doing is, we creating this thing called a "SPAC."

Oh.

A "Special Purpose Acquisitions Company."

It's aka

"the blank check."

Blank check? Yes.

Okay. Okay. Right?

That's smart. I'm loving it. (laughs)

Still don't understand it, though. What?

Okay, so, what it is, is... Mm-hmm.

...m-money comes in from the investors, right?

Yes.

The app don't pay off because it doesn't exist.

We file bankruptcy.

We keep the assets.

Re...

Is this a hustle, or...

Um...

I mean, it... it ain't all the way right.

So you do three to five years, and-

while your money compounds.

So what?

Three to five years of prison time?

(scoffs) It... It's like a country club.

It's lush.

That's where they sent Martha Stewart on her vacation.

Why are you winking?

I'm winking because I love you, nephew.

And I really want to be in business with you.

But you're gonna have to decide

if you really want to be in business or not.

Yeah.

(sighs)

Hey, Pop.

Hey, Mr. Scared Money Don't Make No Money.

You don't have to worry about that.

I... I didn't give him the money.

Really? Why not?

Well, I had all the money out in front of him,

and then he told me it was a scam.

Uh, he was still trying to take the money, too.

I was like, "No."

Well, I'm glad he gave you a choice.

I'm glad you made the right decision. Yeah.

If it sounds too good to be true,

it's coming out of Uncle Melvin's mouth.

I was just so blinded by admiration, I...

couldn't see his flaws, you know?

You tried to warn me. Mm-hmm.

Well, are you okay?

Yeah, you know, I'm just...

Feel sorry for the guy, you know?

He was telling me that Grandpa favored you over him.

Ha! That is not true.

Sir didn't like either one of us.

I'm sorry. I got to ask.

What was Grandpa's real name?

Sir.

His real name? Yeah.

But if he liked you,

you could call him "Mister Sir."

Anyway, the difference between me and Melvin is,

I listened to my father.

Melvin- he tried to hustle his way through life.

(sniffs) I smell a story.

When I was 12 years old, I got my first job.

Yup, there it is.

My father said, "You got to split the money

with your mother."

And so, on the first day I got paid,

I'm walking down the street,

and I see these guys playing three-card monte.

They're flipping the card. Mm-hmm.

They was like, "Find the red card,

"not the black.

"The black is the wack,

you don't get your money back."

I put down $20,

and I pointed to a card.

He flipped it over, and it was black.

My world stood still.

Geez Louise. So what happened?

He took off running with my money.

Did you tell Mister Sir? Yes.

Did he hit you? Yes.

With wisdom. Oh.

That was the name of his belt. Oh.

And then he said,

"Son, gambling is a sucker's game.

Now go give your mother her half."

And I only had one dollar to last me for two weeks.

I never gambled again after that.

Hmm. Now, Uncle Melvin heard this same story,

and the next day,

he became a three-card monte guy.

Hmm.

I can't believe this lesson cost me my anime collection.

Hey, well, the good news is,

you learned a lesson, right?

Yeah, sure did.

Never again.

Good, 'cause that's for you.

What?

Go ahead, open it.

Yeah? Mm-hmm.

Aw! (laughing)

Borg and Ceiza?!

You bought them? Yes.

Some sucker was selling them on eBay under value.

(laughs)

Thanks, Pop. I love you, man.

I love you, too.

(chuckling)

(giggling)

What up, D? (door closes)

I just wanted to come by

and say goodbye to you and the family, man.

It was good seeing y'all.

I'm headed down to Brazil. Mm.

Got me a new business opportunity there.

I'm gonna turn some centavos into bitcoin.

Listen, I want to thank you for doing right by Junior.

Hey, man, he's family. That's right.

Sometimes I can get a little blinded by my greed.

No.

But you set me on the right path,

and I thank you for that.

Since we being honest...

You're right. I did take your watch.

I knew it. I knew it. How much did you get for it?

Man, I didn't sell it. I kept it.

Why?

'Cause it was yours.

And I just figured maybe that some of that great in you would

rub off on me.

Hmm. Instead, the only thing

that rubbed off me was some green stuff.

Yeah. Got me, too.

Hmm.

Wow. (clicks tongue)

You know what?

Hold onto it. There's still time.

So this is what that feels like? Yeah.

Don't you feel fuzzy inside? No.

Or is that the sweater? No.

All right, man, well, I'm gonna get going. (sniffles)

Uh... Great seeing you, man.

Great seeing you. Great seeing you, too.

And, um,

hey, if you want in

on the bitcoin opportunity, you know,

I still need some s...

I'm just playing with you.

Hey! I know what time it is.

(laughs)

Nah, but seriously, if you want in

on this, man,

my plane don't leave till 9:00 o'clock.

Ciao.

Look, I know!

(laughter)

Marker.

(mutters in squeaky voice)

What? (laughs)

Marker.

PRODUCER: Do you want the other ones, or no?

No. Oh, the other ones

aren't prescription? No.

Oh, I didn't know that.

I want everyone nauseous.

(laughter)

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