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LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

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MILTON: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome back, welcome back.

At long last, the time is come.

Please, welcome to the stage...

well, me, Milton Jones!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MAN IN AUDIENCE: Milton!

Good evening. AUDIENCE: Good evening.

It's nice to be back to normal, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

If I understand history correctly,

years ago, everyone in this country whose name was Colin...

was rounded up...

and transported to places like Canada,

India, Australia,

in an attempt...

LAUGHTER

Some of you seem to be ahead of me.

LAUGHTER

In an attempt...

Here we go... LAUGHTER

In an attempt to Colin-ise the world!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I hope you're with me now,

cos if you're not, it's gonna be a long evening.

Ladies and gentlemen, you need to know something.

I've spent some time in the secret services...

the ones between Swansea and Cardiff on the M4.

LAUGHTER

Where all the signs are encrypted.

LAUGHTER

I'm not... In Welsh.

LAUGHTER

I'm not quite sure why I lost my job with MI5 as an interrogator...

and I didn't like to ask.

LAUGHTER

They said they had reports of me defecting in a stairwell.

I said they needed to read the reports more carefully.

LAUGHTER

Maybe it was that time I was supposed to put bombs

under ships in the harbour.

I accidentally filled all our breathing equipment

with nitrous oxide, I mean...

we laughed about it at the time.

LAUGHTER

There was that other occasion.

I woke up in the middle of the night,

there was a beautiful woman in my bedroom.

I said, "Who are you? What do you want?"

She looked at me and said...

LAUGHTER

.."Nikita."

And sure enough, when I woke up in the morning...

my radiator was missing.

LAUGHTER

And, so... "Nick heater."

LAUGHTER

And so, tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

I'm gonna be telling you about my career as a spy.

The highs, the lows, and why I had to retire in the end.

The truth is, CIA, KGB, MI5, they've all got a lot of secrets...

KFC, just the one.

LAUGHTER

It's not easy to kill, not even a mouse.

Some of them are bigger than you think.

In fact, I'm still banned from Euro Disney.

LAUGHTER

If you assume a false identity,

you mustn't draw any attention to yourself.

As we know, terrorists all over the world

want to kill everyone with a British passport.

Imagine being battered to death with a tiny little book.

LAUGHTER

My aunt, she's almost Irish. Her name's...

Iris.

LAUGHTER

We're very lucky in this country,

we have an amazing cultural heritage.

Brilliant cities.

London...

LAUGHTER

WOMAN: Chelmsford!

What's... Where?

WOMAN: Chelmsford. LAUGHTER

Chelmsford...

LAUGHTER

No, it's true. I've got a cousin who lives in Chelmsford.

Keeps all his money under a mattress,

on the grounds that no thief would ever

think of looking in the front garden.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Could have been anywhere.

LAUGHTER

Any other cities people are proud of?

LAUGHTER

MAN: Gloucester!

Gloucester! CHUCKLES

I was in Gloucester recently.

There was a girl walking down the high street

with a sash saying, "Miss Gloucester."

And I thought, "That's a good idea."

LAUGHTER

Any other cities? WOMAN: Truro!

Where? Truro!

AUDIENCE CHATTER

LAUGHTER

I remember being in Truro... CHUCKLES

LAUGHTER

..with John Lennon.

I got to the edge of Cornwall eventually.

I turned to him, and I said, "Imagine there's no Devon."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Not long after that, he wrote the song...

LAUGHTER

..Help!

LAUGHTER

Sheffield, that's an amazing place.

Years ago, not only did the citizens have to make the steel,

they used to have to sell it as well,

so in a very real way, he who smelt it...

dealt it. LAUGHTER

I did a show in Liverpool recently, a bloke came up to me afterwards.

He said, "'Ey, listen. I wanna talk."

I said, "Well, just keep practising!"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Recently, I was just to the north of London.

It turns out, like a lot of people these days, I am in fact...

Luton intolerant.

LAUGHTER

So then, let us begin.

Stand by for a bit of a roller-coaster.

LAUGHTER

Yes, tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

I'll be using this amazing, state-of-the-art Alexa-type system

for all my sounds and pictures.

Man and technology working together, artificial intelligence

dovetailing with every nuance of human language.

I digress.

LOUD ROAR

"Digress," not "tigress."

LAUGHTER

Stand by for action...

Intrigue...

SPY MOTIF PLAYS

Suspense...

LAUGHTER

And maybe just a little bit of what you're not expecting.

Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm!

I'm liking the aubergines!

LAUGHTER

Yes, tonight, ladies and gentlemen, your mission as an audience,

should you choose to accept it, is to watch, listen,

and to cheer silently.

Hip-hip! AUDIENCE: Hooray!

LAUGHTER

Something is wrong with Great Britain.

Due to hunger and lack of education...

a lot of lollipop ladies are being licked to death.

LAUGHTER

I have a friend who is a person of colour,

she's also on the spectrum.

Her name's Violet.

LAUGHTER

We need to be asking the government the difficult questions, like...

how did you know how many census forms to send out?

LAUGHTER

This is Great Britain and Ireland years ago,

green and pleasant lands, whereas, today...

covered in graffiti.

LAUGHTER

People say to me, "Islamophobia." I say no...

lamb is a type of meat.

LAUGHTER

It's not a phobia.

I mean, you might have a phobia of lamb...

if when you were little, you fell into a shepherd's pie.

We've all done that.

LAUGHTER

There are some strange people out there.

Did you hear about that woman who was arrested

at Gatwick airport this morning?

Seven baby porcupines in a pillowcase...

..I don't know how some people sleep at night.

LAUGHTER

Moped crime, the scourge of our streets.

I saw a moped coming towards me the other day.

I waited, I waited, I waited.

It was going past... IMITATES WHOOSH

Took him off.

When I opened up what he had in the back...

he'd clearly just stolen a human heart.

LAUGHTER

I probably saved a life, there.

LAUGHTER

We can't trust our heroes any more.

Tom Cruise has been involved in six missions...

which he said were impossible.

LAUGHTER

Six... Has anyone ever said to Bear Grylls,

"You need to get out more"?

LAUGHTER

No, and yet, he remains a liability outdoors.

I don't know if you've ever tried to warn him

about the attack of a bear...

Bear?

LAUGHTER

Bear.

Bear?

Bear. Bear, bear, bear, bear!

Too late.

LAUGHTER

I once saw a very similar incident with Sting and a jellyfish.

LAUGHTER

But if you want to know about me... HARP MUSIC PLAYS

..where I come from, where I've been,

you need to know about my past... ECHOES

LAUGHTER

Bit further.

HARP CONTINUES

Too far now, back this way.

HARP MUSIC REVERSES

One more day. HARP CHIMES

I always remember my mother saying,

"You can eat the leftovers in the fridge."

I almost froze to death.

LAUGHTER

"Finish your greens," she'd shout,

until I'd eaten nearly all my felt pens.

LAUGHTER

My sister was to be known as "Olive,"

but when they came to register the name,

the pen stopped working briefly, and from then on,

she had to be known as "Clive".

LAUGHTER

My real hero was my grandfather.

Single-handedly broke the enigma code...

machine.

LAUGHTER

Grandmother was brilliant in her own way.

She had an amazing method for avoiding winter fuel price rises.

Er, she died.

LAUGHTER

Towards the end, we got her to rally for a bit...

but probably shouldn't have let her drive a car.

LAUGHTER

My enduring memory will always be of her giving us raisins.

Birthdays, Christmas, always raisins.

In fact, we used to call her, er...

Peshwari Nan.

LAUGHTER

But as we sprinkled my grandfather's remains

on his favourite bowling green, I thought to myself...

we should probably have had him cremated.

LAUGHTER

The people around us were uneducated and un-enlightened.

For instance, they had their own idea

about what post-feminism was...

LAUGHTER

I, too, struggled with relationships.

Every February 13th, the day before Valentine's Day,

you'd always find me running around a late night garage, 10:30 at night,

looking for a... girlfriend. STUTTERS

LAUGHTER

But then one day, a neighbour said to me...

IN ACCENT: "The grass is always greener on the other side."

"The grass is always greener on the other side."

I thought maybe he was saying, in some way,

that I was jealous of him. Anyway, it turns out...

I had laid my astro-turf upside down.

LAUGHTER

It was this same neighbour, I thought if I rang his doorbell

in the middle of the night, he'd invite me in,

and we'd have a huge banquet of my favourite cereal.

It turns out, that's not what a "Frostie reception" is.

LAUGHTER

Wasn't any easier when I was married.

It turns out, Stalingrad to Berlin in the back of a World War II tank

wasn't the retreat my wife wanted for her birthday.

LAUGHTER

I even began to feel sorry for Meghan Markle.

You know, wondering whether or not to try and escape

the obsessive scrutiny of her husband's family.

Tossing a coin, only to see his grandmother's face

looking back at her.

LAUGHTER

When I was a teenager,

I had a friend who went off the rails.

I said to him, "Thomas..."

LAUGHTER

"..don't do that again, we love you!"

I wasn't sure how he'd react, but, er...

he was chuffed.

LAUGHTER

The people around us were negative about everything.

Yes, the oceans are being filled with plastic,

but just look how fish are adapting.

LAUGHTER

They were negative, too, about my choice of career.

They said it was foolish to open a bureau for espionage...

called Intelligence Ltd.

LAUGHTER

Sure, I'd had other jobs.

My career as a photographer was all a bit of a blur.

LAUGHTER

I was in computers for a while, I didn't have much social contact.

Well, apart from going into restaurants,

tripping up the waiter and shouting,

"The server's down!"

LAUGHTER

But I was determined to infiltrate an organisation

with branches all over this country.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Counter-intelligence.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

First day I went in, I picked up a lasagne,

and read, "Remove cardboard sleeve and film."

LAUGHTER

To this day, it's the most boring video I ever made.

LAUGHTER

In the kitchen, I was one of those cooks

who shouts and swears a lot...

then I discovered oven gloves.

LAUGHTER

I remember once trying to prepare some broccoli.

I said, "Listen, you're gonna be boiled in a saucepan."

LAUGHTER

"Even then, the kids aren't gonna eat you."

I mean, at least onions think you care about them.

LAUGHTER

In the bakery, my favourite was millionaire's shortbread,

or as millionaires call it...

shortbread.

LAUGHTER

Or, as short millionaires call it...

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Bread.

LAUGHTER

.."difficult to reach biscuits."

LAUGHTER

Or, as bread calls a short millionaire...

Rishi Sunak.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I tell you what else is dangerous in a kitchen...

is a leopard.

LAUGHTER

I... Well, it would be, wouldn't it?

LAUGHTER

I also observed that vegans always look miserable in photographs.

Probably because they resent having to say the word, "Cheese."

LAUGHTER

My other favourite, upside-down pineapple cake,

or as they call it in Australia...

LAUGHTER

.."pineapple cake."

Or, as Australian pineapples call it...

AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: .."The cake of death."

LAUGHTER

And in the evenings,

I infiltrated yet another organisation, the UN.

Now, people think of the UN as just being a bit of "fun."

LAUGHTER

And, in a way, it is.

But I was there to eavesdrop on conversations between nations.

I was reporting back to my handler. I can't reveal her identity,

but I knew her as "M".

"M" for "Mother". Whoops.

LAUGHTER

And she supplied me with some top-of-the-range

British military communication equipment.

And in turn, I reported back to her...

..about what I heard one nation saying to another.

JAZZ PLAYS IN BACKGROUND

HIGH-PITCHED: "Oi!

"Oi!

"Me old China!"

LAUGHTER

"Me old China!"

LOW-PITCHED: "Yes?"

"We've got our country back.

"We've got our country back."

"Which one?

"Canada? India? Austral..."

"No, we were with lots of other countries.

"They had all these rules, regulations.

"Human rights and stuff."

"Oh, tell me about it."

LIGHT LAUGHTER

"Hang on a minute.

"How come you haven't got a Chinese accent?"

"Trust me, it's better this way."

LAUGHTER

"What you doing?"

"Oh, I'm just making roads, railways, that sort of thing."

IMITATES DRILL "There's another railway."

IMITATES DRILL "There's another."

"Wow! We've got HS2..."

LIGHT LAUGHTER

"..hopefully."

LIGHT LAUGHTER

"What's that?" "Oh, it was a railway line

"that people talked about before the pandemic.

"I just don't know where the pandemic came from."

"Careful."

LAUGHTER

"Anyway, I'm here to represent the best of British manufacturing.

"Do you like fudge?"

LAUGHTER

"Fudge?" "Yeah, it's just burnt sugar, really.

"We put it in a tin with a picture of a cottage on the front."

LAUGHTER

"Do you wanna do a trade deal?"

"No."

"Oh." "Tell me, where do you get your sugar from?"

WHIMPERS

"Oh, no! I haven't thought this through at all."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, I was beginning to learn to think like a spy.

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER

Taking nothing at face-value.

My mother phoned up the other day, she's got a new dog.

"He's a bit shy, but he's coming out of his shell now."

I said, "That's not a dog."

LAUGHTER

They said Heathrow is a busy airport.

Not when I sent one of my drones up.

LAUGHTER

The bin man said to the other day...

Said to me, the other day...

It's all right, I'll just go back to where I went wrong.

Good evening.

LAUGHTER

The bin man said to me, a few weeks ago...

LAUGHTER

.."Where's your recycling tubs?"

I said, "You're not so thin yourself."

LAUGHTER

See what you nearly missed?

LAUGHTER

I was getting to the stage now,

where I needed gadgets in my spy career.

You know, a pen that's also a laser beam.

A shoe that's also a small office.

One of those hats that can go all the way around the world.

LAUGHTER

Come on, Cheltenham. Or, can I call you GCHQ?

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Someone's released gas.

LAUGHTER

Name a gadget, any gadget that a spy might need.

LAUGHTER

MAN 1: Laser pen. A laser pen.

Like the one I just mentioned.

LAUGHTER

MAN SHOUTS

Let's go with laser pen.

LAUGHTER

SPY MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER

Most audiences say a phone.

LAUGHTER

Meanwhile, back at the United Nations...

JAZZ PLAYS IN BACKGROUND

LAUGHTER

MAN: Oh, dear.

AMERICAN ACCENT: "Er...

"Do I know you?"

RUSSIAN ACCENT: "Russia."

"Oh...

"This sketch was so much funnier nine months ago."

LAUGHTER

LIGHT LAUGHTER

"Not that funny."

LAUGHTER

"Have we met?"

"At the function at the United Nations.

"You came dressed as the Al-Qaeda flag.

"Then we realised the invite said, "Come in fancy dress...

"or as is."

LAUGHTER

"I don't get it."

LAUGHTER

"All I know is that America is the greatest nation in the world,

"and that anyone can become president."

LAUGHTER

"We noticed."

LAUGHTER

"Who's your guy?" "Vladimir Putin. You have to admire him."

"Why's that?"

"There'll be consequences."

LAUGHTER

"What happened to your last guy?"

"Well, he's still building a wall."

LIGHT LAUGHTER

"Don't let him get covered in wet cement.

"Why not?"

"That could set a very bad president."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'll never forget my first mission.

In a way, it was like a mission you've seen a hundred times before.

A man is sitting in the back seat of a car.

CAR CRASHES

There was no-one driving the car.

LAUGHTER

Start again. A man is sitting in the front seat of a...

Hang on a minute.

It's 2022, why does it have to be a man?

A bird is driving a car.

LAUGHTER

ENGINE RUMBLES

CAR CRASHES

Oh, no. He's crashed as well.

Perhaps he spent too long looking in the mirror.

LAUGHTER

Either that, or his onboard computer has been hacked.

Hang on a minute, I'm getting something.

Enhance that. Let's go to the southern hemisphere.

Enhance that. Let's go to New Zealand.

Enhance that. Let's go to North Island.

Enhance that. Let's go to Auckland.

If I'm not very much mistaken...

there is your "haka".

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, I was that spy.

Recently, I'd received a phone call completely out of the blue.

It seems that I'd been mis-sold a pie.

LIGHT LAUGHTER

Oh, yes. You could imagine the scenario.

Terrorists selling pies to criminals,

the whole place could be some kind of...

Ginsters paradise.

LAUGHTER

MAN BOOS

You can't handle the truth.

LAUGHTER

The next thing I know, I'm driving a car in northern Morocco.

ENGINE RUMBLES

The road is strangely bumpy.

LAUGHTER

I look in the mirror, I see I'm being followed,

so I speed up.

TYRES SCREECHING

They fire a couple of shots. GUNSHOTS

As they fired at me, that means I can fire at them,

cos I always play by the rules.

I pull over by the side of the road, but it says, "Residents' parking,"

so I pull back out again.

LAUGHTER

Always play by the rules.

Just then, we come to the edge of a town.

A man pushes his cart into the road.

I screech to a halt.

CAR HORN BLARING

Oranges go everywhere.

Now, I'm off, rushing through the marketplace.

In and out, in and out.

I get tangled up in an old woman's washing line,

there are trouser legs either side of my head.

If only there'd been a sign saying, "No dungarees."

LAUGHTER

I see the old woman's face, she is but a voiceless victim.

She lets out a barely audible sigh...

MAN GROANING LOUDLY

And with that, a cigar falls from her mouth

and sets light to the laundry.

Now, I'm down by the harbour, leaping from rooftop to rooftop,

and as I go from one to another...

..I have a sudden thought.

Maybe we are all spies,

and we all have exactly the same secret.

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS

LIGHT LAUGHTER

Am I right?

LAUGHTER

Do we all have the same secret?

Even if we don't, that is the only thing

you're gonna remember from tonight's show.

LAUGHTER

And it will always be there, even at the end,

when your life flashes before your eyes,

and God says to you, "What's that?" You'll have to say,

"I didn't know then, and I don't know now!"

LAUGHTER

LIGHT APPLAUSE

Eventually, I splash down into the ocean.

I manage to swim ashore.

I come face-to-face with a pair of very, very, very long legs.

This can only mean one thing, some sort of daddy longlegs.

LAUGHTER

No, no. It's very much a mummy longlegs,

this means I'm gonna have to use my most deadly weapon...

my charm.

LIGHT LAUGHTER

"Hello.

"Never take a Bakewell tart out of the oven too early...

"the clue is in the name."

LAUGHTER

I was up north the other day, the North of England,

I saw a sign saying "Bury Crematorium."

I thought, "Make your mind up."

LAUGHTER

Suffice it to say that one thing leads to another,

and it all becomes a little bit...

lovey-dovey.

SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYS

BIRD CHIRPING

LAUGHTER

Mainly "dovey".

LAUGHTER

Meanwhile, back at the United Nations...

WELSH ACCENT: "Australia.

"Australia.

"Australia."

AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: "Yeah, mate, what is it?"

"About New South Wales..."

LAUGHTER

"What about it, mate?"

"It's tropical.

"Have you never been to Swansea?"

LAUGHTER

"I don't know, mate.

"Australia's got the greatest climate in the world.

"Greatest food.

"Greatest sporting teams.

"It's also got the lowest crime rate."

"Well, not originally."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm very lucky, I've had an amazing career.

I've escaped on top of one of these a few times...

a Vince Cable-car.

LAUGHTER

Well, Vince Cable is invincible...

..according to spell-check.

LAUGHTER

Another time, I was in a fairground hall of mirrors,

and I was shot at by a thin man with a rifle...

although it might have been a fat man with a bazooka.

LIGHT LAUGHTER

Another time, I had the privilege of meeting one of my all-time heroes,

the theoretical physicist, Stephen Hawking, and it turns out...

he was real!

LAUGHTER

Not just theoretical.

LIGHT LAUGHTER

We met in a pub, and he said to me...

WONDROUS MUSIC PLAYS

ROBOTIC VOICE: "Time is the fourth dimension.

"Time can be stretched.

"Time can be elongated."

I said, "Stephen, the bell's gone.

"I still can't serve you."

LAUGHTER

It can be a glamorous job, too.

Once, in an aeroplane, I remember hearing a woman's voice saying,

"Ooh, muscles I didn't know I had."

I turned round, and she was looking into her sick bag.

AUDIENCE GROANS

LAUGHTER

Perhaps, I was losing track of reality.

I was already attending meetings of Eavesdroppers Anonymous...

not that they knew.

LAUGHTER

And then, there was my final mission.

I was in charge of an elite group again.

It was a difficult task. Surrender wasn't an option,

but it didn't go as well as I'd hoped.

LAUGHTER

I was captured, and taken to a disused warehouse.

I say disused, it was divided up into serviced office units

for beatings, torture and interrogation.

WATER DRIPPING

LAUGHTER

HIGH-PITCHED: Tell us what we need to know.

LAUGHTER

Sounds like you need the number of a good plumber.

LAUGHTER

We are East European, we know lots of good plumbers.

LAUGHTER

I'm glad you said that.

LAUGHTER

MI5?

LAUGHTER

Pardon?

LAUGHTER

MI5?

I'd say you're a lot older than that.

LAUGHTER

Who do you think I am?

I'd say you're some kind... TIMER BEEPING

I've started, so I'll finish.

LAUGHTER

Some kind of evil mastermind.

LAUGHTER

Who, from now on, is gonna be very good at yoga.

LAUGHTER

Correct.

Are you acting alone?

Yes, but I'm playing multiple characters.

LAUGHTER

LIGHT APPLAUSE

No! Is anyone helping you?

Well, there's my friend, Sean.

HORN MUSIC PLAYS

I don't understand.

"French horn," they didn't get it here, either.

LAUGHTER

You don't recognise me, do you?

LAUGHTER

Nikita!

LAUGHTER

My codename is "Darkness".

Hello, Darkness, my old friend.

LAUGHTER

LIGHT APPLAUSE

I've come to talk to you again.

The sound of...

Silence!

Are you still angry I stole your radiator?

You're getting warmer.

LAUGHTER

I know what you're trying to do,

you're trying to increase global warming.

When you let me go to the bathroom earlier,

I saw thousands of radiators.

No, one mirror, two radiators.

Sometimes, if you stand in the right place...

Anyway...

an old woman's laundry business burnt down.

You were nearby at the time. I was brought up

in that small Moroccan village.

How come you don't have a Moroccan accent?

Trust me, it's better this way.

LAUGHTER

We also met when things all got a bit lovey-dovey.

That was you as well, was it? Yes, I remember

when you came out of the sea towards me.

You did that really weird walk.

It was a pebble beach.

LAUGHTER

Do you remember how we escaped?

Yes, we stole a horse and rode to the border.

Then, we came face-to-face with a patrol.

Fortunately, I remembered a trick from a film

to start kissing like lovers...

but the horse was having none of it.

LAUGHTER

There is someone else you should meet.

LIGHT LAUGHTER

How's that even possible?

HIGH-PITCHED: You'll never get aw...

HE CHUCKLES

LAUGHTER

How dare you impersonate me?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

NORMAL VOICE: Two can play at that game.

LAUGHTER

HIGH-PITCHED: You have a choice.

Either, you spend three years in solitary confinement.

Or... two days in Gloucester.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Those were a long three years.

LAUGHTER

At first, I tried to call the nearest Uber...

but the cars were all far too big for the streets round there.

LAUGHTER

But who was the nearest driver?

Oh, no, not him again.

LAUGHTER

I didn't trust Uber drivers, anyway.

My sister was gonna marry one in three years' time.

Then it was four years.

Then it was seven years.

Then he went off with someone else.

I felt like I was losing my mind!

I desperately needed to get out of spying.

I desperately needed help!

Hello? You've got to help me!

LAUGHTER

You're breaking up.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

LIGHT LAUGHTER

It was around about that time...

that I began to have an epiphany.

Do you know, I've just realised what an epiphany is!

LAUGHTER

I wish more people would.

LAUGHTER

I defected...

but not before thinking long and hard and doing the crossword.

LIGHT LAUGHTER

I'm still an agent, but an agent for liability insurance

in that small Moroccan town.

Even got my own organ delivery service...

called "Liveroo".

LAUGHTER

It's true what they say, though. If you give a man a fish...

you can really freak him out if it's at the bus stop.

LAUGHTER

But no-one wants to retire, you know,

be given a clock and shown the door...

especially if you work for Al-Qaeda.

LAUGHTER

It had always been my dream to set up

a spy-themed optician's on the high street...

called "For Four Eyes Only."

LAUGHTER

I've just been very lucky,

I've travelled to every city in the world.

Name a city, any city.

MAN 1: Gloucester. MAN 2: Gloucester!

LAUGHTER

FRENCH MUSIC PLAYS

One day, I'm gonna do this show, and then...

..first bit, someone's gonna shout out "phone".

LAUGHTER

Then, someone's gonna shout out "Paris".

That person's name is Dave, he's self-isolating at the moment,

should be back in the show by Tuesday.

LAUGHTER

I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna write a screenplay for a film,

about a country singer who's held hostage in a loft,

and call it, Johnny Cash In The Attic.

LAUGHTER

Where, as you know, I've already written one film.

Well, I've made the film, but now, I've written the screenplay as well.

LAUGHTER

It's set in Newcastle.

And it's a son talking to his mother.

GEORDIE ACCENT: "Hello, Mum.

"I got your note.

"So, I got you one of these."

LAUGHTER

And she replies...

"No, no, no!

"No, no, no, bonnie lad.

"I wrote...

" 'I like your lass...

" 'Agnes.' "

LAUGHTER

"Oh, sorry, Mum.

"Can you get us a Tizer?"

And then she electrocutes him.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I don't know, maybe I'll spend the rest of my days

looking out into the garden through the French windows.

Or, as they call them in France...

LAUGHTER

..fenetres.

LAUGHTER

Just then, I met Tom Cruise...

CHILDLIKE VOICE: Hello!

LAUGHTER

Scientology is an evil religion.

What do you mean, "That's not possible"?

Have you learnt nothing from your missions?

LAUGHTER

Maybe I, too, have become a bit hard on the inside.

The other day, I sent a diagram of a dissection of a rabbit

to my little nephew.

If I'd listened to what he asked for,

it was a picture of "Miffy or Topsy".

LAUGHTER

But at least I found out what's happening in the real world.

AUDIENCE MURMURS

Calm down.

LAUGHTER

FRENCH ACCENT: "So...

"..how do you think it's all going?"

LAUGHTER

"Shut up!"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"Hm, well, my door is always open."

"No, no. That was part of the problem in the first place.

"Too many people coming over. No! Brexit means Brexit."

"Hm, if you ever write a dictionary, remind me not to buy it."

LAUGHTER

"We're doing a lot better, now.

"We're doing trade deals with American farmers."

"Pah! American animals, they are pumped full of drugs.

"They are not fit for anything. All they are fit for..."

"What, winning the Tour de France?" CHUCKLES

LAUGHTER

"No, we've been with you over 40 years,

"you haven't given us a single concession."

"We spoke in English the whole time you were here!"

LAUGHTER

"And we had to put up with your ridiculous accent."

LAUGHTER

"The time has come to say goodbye, or should I say...

"au-reservoir"?

LAUGHTER

"No, you should not.

"If you'll excuse me, I have a very important meeting."

MUMBLING IN FRENCH

LAUGHTER

SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Oh, hello. How are you?"

LAUGHTER

"May I say that you are looking beautiful, tonight."

"Ooh!

"Nobody's ever said that before!"

"I don't know what it is, there is something about you

"that just makes me want to kiss you."

"Oh! That'll be the great big X."

LAUGHTER

"I was a bit worried about that,

"if they take it out of the Union Jack,

"what will I be left with?"

"It'll just be one big red cross.

"Perhaps, that way, they'll get some food parcels."

LAUGHS IN FRENCH ACCENT

LAUGHS IN SCOTTISH ACCENT

"Tell me...

"..do you like fudge?"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Did you hear, in the German city of Cologne...

they sell a fragrance called Birmingham?

LAUGHTER

I can say that, cos I was brought up in Birmingham.

How come I don't have a Brummie accent?

Trust me, it's better this way.

LAUGHTER

Of course, with the pandemic and Brexit,

inevitably, I ended up doing a bit of panic buying.

Yes, I bought two bananas and a whistle.

Well, I panicked.

LAUGHTER

But that night, I ate like I'd never eaten before.

LOUD CHEWING

WHISTLE BLOWS

LOUD CHEWING

WHISTLE BLOWS

After that, I set up a business where people could change identity.

With hindsight, I should probably have got them to pay upfront.

LAUGHTER

What have I learnt from my job?

Well, I think you probably get what you deserve.

Yes, see, only this week, the world's laziest teacher died...

and was buried in an unmarked grave.

LAUGHTER

Never say, "You and whose army" to the king.

LAUGHTER

Or indeed, to Eric and Shirley Whosearmy,

who don't speak to their son, Ewan.

LAUGHTER

And if you want to be able to predict the weather,

best thing to do is to get some pine cones,

Pinophyta strobilus,

put them in a cupboard, preferably a mahogany cupboard,

at least 120m away from the house.

And if, when you come in, your pyjamas are wet...

it's raining.

LAUGHTER

And if you own a dog that keeps running off into crowded areas,

so you have to shout his name loudly after him,

into those crowded areas...

don't call him "Death to the West."

LAUGHTER

And if you've got some leftovers,

best thing to do is put them in the fridge for a couple of days...

and then throw them away.

LAUGHTER

After a while, I met up with my family again.

Soon, my daughter was asking to go to the cinema,

see the film, Bohemian Rhapsody.

I said, "I will not let you go."

LAUGHTER

She said, "Let me go."

I said... Anyway, it went on like this.

LAUGHTER

In the event she was ill, she couldn't go.

She choked on a small teddy in a trifle.

LAUGHTER

But at least I tried to warn her...

Bear!

Bear!

FRIGHTENED: Bear...

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE

Thank you, thank you, Cheltenham.

I've heard of the Cheltenham races, er...

it seems to be mainly white people.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You can use that.

LAUGHTER

Things are getting better, though.

Today, I saw a sheep pole-dancing...

..in a kebab shop.

LAUGHTER

Spent the whole of lockdown in my parents' house,

it was strange being back there, looking into my neighbour's garden,

where I used to steal apples as a toddler.

They didn't mind me stealing apples...

it was dressing up as a toddler they thought was weird.

LAUGHTER

So, I come from a family of failed magicians...

I've got two half-sisters.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

My brother, he's in his final year...

if he doesn't stop annoying me.

LAUGHTER

Any students here?

MAN: Yeah. Yeah, what you studying?

Games development. Games development?

Do you mean PE?

LAUGHTER

Or Cluedo? HE CHUCKLES

Computer games? Yeah.

Have you noticed, if you google the phrase,

"Lost medieval servant boy..."

..it says, "This page cannot be found."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Some of you are gonna be doing that, tomorrow.

LAUGHTER

DELAYED LAUGH

HE CHUCKLES

Where are you up to? HE CHUCKLES

"Peshwari Nan"?

LAUGHTER

Anyone here from outside the United Kingdom?

MAN: Yes. Yeah? Where you from?

New Zealand. Ah!

Anywhere else?

LAUGHTER

People from New Zealand don't like being called Australian, do they?

Oh, no.

AUDIENCE MEMBER HOLLERS

It's all right, I'm doing a joke.

LAUGHTER

Trust me. HE CHUCKLES

People from New Zealand...

..don't like being called Australian, do they?

People from Britain don't realise

there's an entirely separate culture,

there's a great big sea between the two places.

What people from Britain don't realise...

I've messed it up now, cos of you.

LAUGHTER

Vince Cable?

LAUGHTER

It's all right, I'm gonna do it, if it kills me.

LAUGHTER

Fortunately, we're not videoing it or anything.

LAUGHTER

LIGHT APPLAUSE

People from New Zealand...

LAUGHTER

Shush.

I'll tell you when, all right?

People from New Zealand don't like being called Australian, do they?

What people from Britain don't realise,

it's an entirely separate culture,

there's a great big sea between the two places.

What...

LAUGHTER

Let me finish.

LAUGHTER

What people from New Zealand don't realise,

is that we in Britain don't care!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

HE SIGHS

Now... HE CHUCKLES

Anyone doing anything interesting in Cheltenham, tomorrow?

MAN: No. No, you've decided.

You've elected a spokesperson, haven't you?

LAUGHTER

Anyone like to prove him wrong?

LAUGHTER

What's that?

MAN: Looking up "Lost medieval children."

LAUGHTER

Looking for lost medieval children...

Thanks, but, you know.

Is there any subject you'd like me to talk about before I go?

MAN: Nursing. What was that?

Nursing!

Nursing? Yes.

LAUGHTER

I was talking to a nurse the other day.

She said, "The main problem, now, facing the NHS...

"is Holby City."

LAUGHTER

Actually, she might have said, "Obesity."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

My mum was a nurse, my dad was a doctor.

They had six children, we all left home early.

Well, they needed the beds.

LAUGHTER

I remember the birthday I asked for that game, Operation.

Three years, I waited.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I think the most peaceful Christmas I remember,

was when my mother mistakenly covered the cake with temazepam.

LAUGHTER

My grandfather, he's staying with us at the moment.

He's got a black eye.

I knew his room was too small for a cuckoo clock.

LAUGHTER

DELAYED LAUGH

Well done.

DELAYED LAUGH

HE CHUCKLES

MAN: Sorry! That's all right.

LAUGHTER

It's really fine.

LAUGHTER

My other grandfather...

..broke his leg by standing on a doormat.

Probably should've explained to him

the concept of a helter-skelter.

LAUGHTER

My other grandfather...

LAUGHTER

..he was a bank robber.

Trouble is, the rest of the family were all police marksmen.

He died quite recently...

surrounded by his family.

LAUGHTER

My other grandfather...

LAUGHTER

..recently had to have a camera inserted, internally.

But he was annoying the wedding photographer.

LAUGHTER

My grandmother...

LAUGHTER

..she's been talking about downsizing,

and now, she's in a little urn.

LAUGHTER

I was in a nativity play, once.

I was the man who scares the children,

cos he comes into the hall on the wrong day, to play badminton.

LAUGHTER

I went home for Christmas last year, couldn't get in the door...

too many grandads.

LAUGHTER

Well, thanks for coming out tonight, Cheltenham.

You've been very nice, very nice, indeed.

LIGHT LAUGHTER

MAN: You're in Chelmsford.

LAUGHTER

I'm in Cheltenham.

LAUGHTER

Are you actually from Chelmsford?

LAUGHTER

Where do you live?

LAUGHTER

I'll rephrase it, why do you live?

LAUGHTER

LIGHT APPLAUSE

I'll leave you tonight... before he gets to the stage.

LAUGHTER

I'll leave you tonight with this. Horse whisperers,

what they do is they go up to horses, and they go...

WHISPERING

And the horses go, "OK, fair enough."

LIGHT LAUGHTER

Beware Chinese horse whisperers.

They go up to horses, and they go...

WHISPERING

That horse tells another horse.

LAUGHTER

That horse tells another horse!

By the end, the last horse is going...

LIGHT LAUGHTER

BLOWS LIPS

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That's all from me. Thank you for coming!

SMOOTH SPY MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com