Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

I wanted to dress up for y'all.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

Wanted to dress nice for you guys,

so I wore Doc Martens.

Yeah, we got any Doc Martens in the audience?

Okay. Like, four bisexuals.

Very cool.

Very cool. Here's a fun fact about your Doc Martens

if you don't know, y'all.

If you take off your Doc Marten

and you hold it to your ear like a seashell,

you can just hear the sound of a woman going,

"I only smoke cigarettes when I'm drunk."

It is crazy.

And if you're thirsty, shake it really hard.

"Well, that's half a PBR that just fell out."

- * Two, three, four *

Tamar Rubin!

Drunken unicorn! I want to hear you freaking scream!

This is so sick, y'all.

I love doing standup comedy so much.

It's my favorite thing ever. I think...

The question I get asked most about doing standup comedy is,

"What is it like to do it as a woman?"

Right?

You guys are very cool, so I actually wanted to share with y'all

an incident that happened to me recently

that actually made me consider quitting standup comedy.

Not because of the art form itself,

but just because of what a male-dominated field it is.

And what happened was,

I got my hair cut and nobody noticed.

And, you know, before you're like,

"Oh, that seems a little dramatic,"

I didn't just get a trim, I had bangs, okay?

My entire face was different.

No one complimented me, right?

The closest thing I got to a compliment was two weeks later,

some dude was like, "Hey, did you get taller?

"Shout out." "What?"

"No, no, I didn't get taller."

I spent $150 on this stupid haircut.

But then, to make things worse,

like, that weekend, this headliner from out of town,

he came to Atlanta,

and he took me on the road with him.

And while we were in the car together,

this guy unbuttoned his pants...

Oh.

...took out his dick,

and started masturbating in front of me.

I was like, "Oh, my God, what are you doing?"

He was like, "I'm so sorry. I can't help myself.

"It's just your new haircut. It's..."

"I was like, "Wait, what?"

"Okay, okay. Like...

"What do you like about it?"

He was like, "I just love curly hair,

"and it frames your face so nicely."

I can understand what he said.

Because yeah, he ejaculated. But guys...

Fellas, come on, give it up for the one male ally

I had that week. All right?

#notallmen.

Don't worry.

I embellished that joke a tiny bit, okay? -

He was not a headliner.

Just some guy, really.

Something else about me, besides being sick as hell, uh...

I'm Jewish. We got any Jews in the audience?

I think... That sounded like a lot,

but I really think it was just three

very loud Jews.

Very cool. Hell yeah.

It's fun being Jewish in the South.

It really is.

No, it is. Okay?

It's interesting. It's interesting. I'll give you that.

Like, I did a show one time in Acworth, Georgia, and...

And no one ever really claps for Acworth.

If you're not familiar with Acworth,

Acworth is actually a Latin word for a bad place,

but...

When I was there, I talked a lot about being Jewish,

and then afterwards, this woman came up to me, and she went,

"Oh, my God, are you from Fort Lauderdale?"

I was like, "No."

She goes, "I was just there.

"All the Jews are in Fort Lauderdale."

I was like, "Oh, my gosh.

"No one tells this lady about Israel."

I think...

The concept itself, she would explode.

It's okay, though. It doesn't offend me, right?

It really doesn't. Because growing up, I was like,

one of three Jewish kids in my entire school,

much like this moment right now, and... -

Growing up, all the other kids used to tell me

that I killed Jesus.

Which is crazy, right?

I was always like, "Yo, why can't you just regular bully me?

"Like, I'm fat and wearing Crocs right now.

"There's really no need to get creative."

But they would tell me that, constantly, all the time.

So much so that I honestly kind of started to believe it.

I know. That could stress out a kid, right?

You know, thinking that maybe they have...

murdered somebody.

I'm gonna be honest with y'all,

it gave me unparalleled confidence, like...

I am not exaggerating.

The day after someone told me that,

this group of girls wouldn't let me sit with them at lunch,

and I was like, "I'd be very careful, Britney.

"Or this about to be your last supper! Ha!"

Later that day, my mom stubbed her toe,

she's like, "Jesus Crist."

I was like, "What? He back for round two? Come on!

"I'll make him rise again! Eat the body, eat the blood."

I didn't know the terms, you know.

Just kind of throwing stuff at the wall.

I do love living in the South, though, I do.

I love the South.

I'm really happy to be back here.

I was out of town recently.

I went to a bachelorette party

in Rosemary Beach, Florida.

Yeah. Wow. Rosemary Beach, you know,

it's a nice place.

It's not really where you'd want to have a bachelorette party, right?

Like, Rosemary Beach,

it's not really like, "Whoo! Let's party!" vibes.

It's more like, "Grandma always wanted to go to the Amalfi Coast,

"but her doctor says she should not be flying right now"

vibes, you know?

You know what I mean?

Like, even my Uber driver roasted me for being there.

He picked me up from the airport, he was like,

"So, what brings you to town?" I was like,

"Oh, it's my best friend's bachelorette party."

He goes,

"How old's the bride? Eighty?"

I was like, "Okay, dude, that's kind of rude."

He goes, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

"By the way, I love that haircut."

Told you it wasn't a headliner.

I am super happy for my friend, though, getting married.

I am. They're, like, super in love, super cool.

Also, the guy she's marrying is super rich.

-Yeah. -Yes.

Yeah, that rocks.

Love that for her.

I personally... Like, I've never really cared

about marrying someone rich, or really focused

on being with someone who had money.

Um, because I personally have never been attracted to anybody

that had more than $37 in their bank account.

And I think that's a bad thing, right?

People tell me it's a bad thing.

Cardi B says it's a bad thing.

Like, I mean, come on, Cardi B has a song

where she literally goes,

"Broke boys don't deserve no pussy."

"I know that's right!"

But I don't, okay?

I'm actually not sure if that's right, Cardi.

Y'all, I absolutely think we should be giving broke men pussy.

Okay? Bear with me on this, all right?

I absolutely think we should be giving broke guys pussy.

Why? You give a broke man pussy, that's a tax write-off, okay?

Easy peasy. Lemon squeezy.

Throw away those Goodwill receipts.

No one cares, all right?

Also, it is true, though.

Broke men are way more romantic

than guys with money. They really are.

Like, a broke guy,

he's gonna box-wine and dine you, you know?

He's gonna go ahead, he's gonna bring you the breakfast in bed.

And, yeah, he doesn't own a dining room table.

Shut up. That's besides the point.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding, obviously, all right?

Broke guys have dining room tables.

That's just where they hold all of their mail.

They're not gonna open it. It's bills, all right?

Also, I like dating broke men

because I like poems.

Do we not know about this life hack, y'all?

Broke men love writing you poems.

My boyfriend writes me a poem

every single time rent is due.

It is...

You think Elon Musk knows what a haiku is? Absolutely not.

It's cool, though, too, because then, like,

when they do get you a real gift,

literally, that one time, it's like...

It's like, seriously so much more special.

Like, my boyfriend, he got me this necklace,

and anytime I touch it or I look at it,

I just think about his cute little smile.

Because he chose to buy this instead of getting Invisalign, and...

It was his last $200, right?

What are you gonna do?

Also, I've researched this, okay? I stand by this.

Broke men eat the best pussy.

And they eat the most pussy because they are starving.

Oh, my...

Y'all, we need to feed these men, okay?

They cannot get enough of that stuff.

A broke guy, he would flavor his instant ramen

with a packet of pussy if he could.

Fine. You know, fine. Whatever, right?

Say what you want about broke dudes.

A broke guy, he's not afraid to get you wet

because he already owns no slip shoes.

His favorite position isn't 69,

it's Section 8.

No, I have... In all seriousness, though,

I have dated a lot of broke guys.

It's good, though. It's good for character.

I've had, like, a lot of new experiences

that maybe I wouldn't have had.

No, really. Like, for instance,

I recently hurt my knee really bad in a mosh pit.

Which is the oldest and youngest sentence I'll ever say in my life.

Do we know what a mosh pit is?

-Yeah. - Yeah?

Okay. A lot of you seem like you've dated someone with bleached hair. Very cool.

Okay, for those of you that don't know,

a mosh pit is like...

So when you go to a concert,

the band will be playing,

and then there'll be this big group of people in the front.

It's usually men.

And it's like this little sweaty boy soup, you know?

And during the band playing, these men, they are...

They are hitting each other,

they are ramming into each other,

they are pushing each other as hard as they can,

'cause a man would rather catch an elbow in the face

than be caught sincerely dancing, okay?

A man would rather have to go to the doctor

than have anyone see him move his hips.

That is...

But I'm used to, like...

I'm used to friendly mosh pits.

You know, the mosh pits I've been in,

someone will drop their keys,

and then someone else will pick them up,

and they'll be like, "Keys, keys!"

so that person can find them, right?

But in this mosh pit, I watched someone drop their keys,

then I watched someone else pick them up,

make eye contact with that person,

and swallow them whole like a snake.

And in that moment, I was like, "I am not safe here."

So I had to go to physical therapy for my knee,

which is so embarrassing,

because literally everyone in there was an athlete but me.

Like, me and this guy, we were standing next to each other.

we were doing the same exercises.

He was like, "Oh, soccer?"

I had to be like, "No, hardcore Billy Eilish Cover, actually."

I don't get any of the terms that the therapist uses.

There's this patch of grass,

sometimes people will do their stretches on,

and my therapist, she was like, "All right, Tamar, come on.

"Gonna go do your warmups on the turf."

I was like, "You want me to squat on J.K. Rowling? What?"

I take a lot of workout classes,

and I've noticed a trend

in the workout classes that are offered to you, right?

You go to sign up for a class, they'll give you a calendar.

It'll be like, "Grow-your-glute Monday."

Okay.

"Big-butt Tuesday."

"Get-a-fat-ass Wednesday."

"Where's-your-big-dump-truck, you-ugly-bitch Thursday."

Arms...

"To-lift-that-new-big fat-ass Friday." Like...

Okay. All right. I get it, okay? I get it.

You want me to have a fat ass.

Listen, listen, I love fat asses, okay?

I do. I want one. They look great.

I think we have taken it a little too far.

I do. I took a Pilates class last week.

It was me and 10 centaurs. Y'all... -

We are encouraging unbalanced women.

You go to the gym any day of the week,

you'll see a woman, she is lifting 400 pounds with her legs

like it's nothing.

Then she goes to pick up her phone,

she's trembling, she can't do it. It is...

It's not good. It's not healthy.

I think men are so obsessed with women not working out their arms

because they don't want us to be able to defend ourselves.

If a woman... Nowadays, if a woman is walking home

alone at night, and she gets attacked,

she just has to bucket her assailant like a horse.

That's a rape whistle.

It's hard as a woman, you know, it is.

The standards, they change so much, it's impossible to keep up.

Like Kim Kardashian,

that used to be a fat ass, right?

She used to have a fat ass.

Her ass, it's not even really considered fat anymore.

Like, I was in the gym,

I saw a woman squatting and looking at pictures

of the mom from Dexter's Laboratory.

Like...

Talk about an "Unrealistic body expectation."

She is a cartoon!

I try to take care of myself, though.

I do. I do.

I think a lot of why I try to take care of myself now

is because I was really ugly, growing up.

Okay, good. You're all shocked by that. That's good.

I'm careful when I say that, though, on stage,

'cause whenever I say it on stage,

someone will always come up to me after a show,

and they'll always be like, "You weren't ugly as a kid."

And then I'll show them a picture of me as a kid,

and they'll be like, "Well, that's just a bad picture."

And then I'll show them another picture of me as a kid,

and they'll be like...

"So are you from Georgia originally, or..."

"Did you move here?"

I knew I was ugly In high school, I realized it.

I knew I was ugly in high school,

because I was friends with all of my teachers.

And that right there,

great way to figure out

whether or not you're ugly. Like... -

I was best friends with my math teacher, Mr. Bart.

Me and this man would hang out one on one all the time.

He would drive me home from school.

And no one ever said a single thing about it...

'cause they took one look at me, and they were like,

"He's not going to ruin his life for that ugly kid.

"Are you kidding me?

"Are you kidding me?"

An accusation would be rude.

And for those of you who did think

you were really hot in high school,

ask yourself this,

when your teacher was like, "Hang back a second,

"we got to talk about your grade,"

did they prop open the door?

Did they prop open the door?

Because if they left that door shut,

sorry, you were an ugly Quasimodo just like me, okay?

No one was worried about you.

It's okay. I'm hot now.

Despite being ugly, though,

actually, I was prom queen in high school.

I was. Yeah.

I went to an arts high school. That's how that happened.

But I...

I don't normally like telling people I was prom queen, though,

because they're always very dramatic about it.

They're always like, "Oh, my God, why would you say that

"while I'm inside of you?"

I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry.

"I thought we both wanted to come.

"I guess not. Heard. Heard."

I work in an office now.

Kind of. I temp in an office now.

I do. Which means I watch a lot of Love Island.

UK version. Don't worry.

Do y'all know this show?

Oh, my God, this is the...

If you have not seen it, this is the best show ever, okay?

It follows all of these Brits.

They're all in their early 20s.

They all look like they're in their late 50s, and...

All they do all day is just smoke,

and drink, and hook up with each other.

It's amazing. It's so good.

And it's normally really trashy.

But I was watching it recently,

and this woman on it said something so incredibly profound

that I have not been able to get out of my head.

She said, I want to say it for y'all, she said,

Oh... Sorry.

Sorry. One second.

Give me 10 minutes. She said...

I... I... I... I...

"I quite like it when a bloke's sucking me ears!"

And I'm sorry, I know y'all weren't expecting me

to be bilingual, but...

"I quite like it when a bloke's sucking me ears."

Y'all, that has been stuck in my head for days, okay?

It has been haunting me.

I'm waking up in the middle of the night,

"I quite like it when a bloke's sucking me ears."

I'm at the grocery store, "I quite like it when a bloke's sucking me ears."

For the life of me, I just can't shake it.

And I was meditating on it recently.

I finally realized, like, "Oh,

"I don't like that at all."

That's got to be the worst thing ever, right?

If you're hooking up with someone,

and then they start sucking on your ears.

- Yes. - Right?

And I realized, like, "Oh, I don't like that

"'cause I wear my grandma's earrings."

Right?

Which is also why I do not like it

when people suck on my nipple piercings, and... -

"Okay, chill. It's a family heirloom, all right?

"They were my dad's before they were mine. Okay?

"Relax."

I do have my nipples pierced. I do.

And I think it's the worst thing about me.

I got my nipples pierced on my 21st birthday

in the basement of an establishment

that is now a hot chicken restaurant...

...by a man named Mushu.

You know, like the dragon from Mulan.

The second after I got it done,

I immediately regretted it, right?

I was crying my eyes out.

All my friends were trying to make me feel better.

They were like, "No, don't be sad.

"I bet guys are going to think that's really hot.

"I bet guys are gonna think that's really hot."

Yeah, you know who thinks nipple piercings are really hot?

Fucking snake owners, okay?

Y'all, it is the weirdest of the weirdos

that are really into nipple piercings, okay?

If you show someone your nipple piercings,

they should be like, "Oh, cool."

Anything above that, and they are going to explain communism to you.

They like metal in their mouth and Marx on their mind,

trust me.

Honestly, though, not even snake owners think it's that hot

because you do have to be 18 years old to get them done.

Listen, I'm not here to kink-shame anyone, all right?

That's not my thing at all. Not my vibe.

But...

...if you are one of those men

that loves to suck on nipples,

I think that you're a monster, and you should kill yourself.

That...

Oh, I'm sorry, is that shit not quite literally for babies?

"Oh, you want to suck on my nipple?

"Do I need to burp you and give you a teething toy, too,

"you frigging loser?

"Get a job."

Also, I'm a girls girl, you know. -

I am. I'm a feminist. I love Taylor Swift. Like...

But if you are one f those women that's like,

"Me? I can come from someone just."

I can come from someone just playing with my nipple."

I think you should kill yourself, too. That...

That that cannot be... Is that real? Really?

Lady, are we really out here coming

from people touching our nipples? - WOMAN: Sorry.

No, y'all. My nipples...

My nipples are not sensitive at all.

They didn't even cry at the beginning of Up.

I gotta take them out. I know. I know, I do.

It's just... It's hard.

It feels so representational

of the end of my youth, you know.

I feel like you take out a nipple piercing...

And, yes, mine are this big. I feel like...

I said, "Your biggest or your brightest, sir." I said...

I feel like you take out a nipple piercing,

you just immediately have to pick up keys

to a Subaru, and I'm...

I'm not ready for that, right?

But I looked it up, and if I ever have kids,

I'll have to take them out.

Well, because it's actually...

It's super dangerous to breast-feed with a nipple piercing

because you could make the baby polyamorous, and...

That is fatal.

I actually want to take a second

to talk about something that's very important to me,

make sure that everyone's on the same page about it.

Do we all know that we can carry Narcan now? - WOMAN: Yeah.

Do we know this? That we can all... Yeah? -

That we can buy it over the counter.

If y'all aren't familiar, Narcan, it's this nose spray.

And if someone's having an overdose,

you administer it to them,

and it stops the OD

with enough time to get them to a hospital.

So there's been a big initiative

to push people buying it,

keep it on them in case of emergencies.

I bought Narcan,

and I think it's made me a worse person...

...because I have a really small purse.

I can't always keep it on me, you know?

So I find myself...

Every time before I leave the house,

I ask, "Is this place I'm going cool enough...

"...for me to bring Narcan?"

And it's easy.

It's an easy decision every time, right?

If I'm going to a stand-up comedy show...

You guys are crazy.

I am bringing Narcan.

But if I'm going to an improv comedy show...

...I am bringing fentanyl. Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ, someone is going to die, okay? -

Okay, them or me. You can't OD on a "Yes, and..." Trust me, I've tried.

Speaking of that, I love cuddling.

I do.

Sorry. That's my vice.

Sue me.

Well, actually, you know, cuddling is actually a lot like cocaine.

How?

I'd suck dick for it.

Actually, I have been very into role play recently, I have.

Not like the board games. The mature sex stuff.

Actually, I got called a slut in bed last night.

I did. Thank you. Okay.

Couple of you like that.

I can tell some of you, though, think it's weird

that my mom still tucks me in, but...

We're close.

I'm pretty bad at role play, though. I am.

I'm pretty bad at it.

I role play like the exact same way

I played Pretend as a child.

It's a lot of setup.

A lot of exposition, right?

Do you remember when you're a kid

and you play Pretend,

and just for two and a half hours,

you'd be like, "Okay, we're playing mermaids,

"and my name's Aquamarine and my dad's King Trident.

"He's king of the ocean, and my tail is purple,

"and my nail polish changes color based off of my mood."

Now I'm an adult woman

trying to get freaky in the bedroom, you know?

But I'm still like, "Okay, so I'm a sexy French maid...

"...and you're my boss.

"And you just caught me stealing,

"and you're gonna punish me,

"and my nail polish changes color based off of my mood."

Because I'm gonna make it fun.

If I'm being honest, though, if I really think about it,

I think I like role play so much because I'm a theater kid.

Right? Okay. Someone else who works in a restaurant.

Very cool.

But really, like...

Role play has to be the most theater-kid-kink you can have.

Like theater kids, we're so fucking annoying.

We can't even suck a dick without being, like,

"Mmm, wait, what's my objective here?"

Zip, zap, zop.

I actually think, though...

I think theater kids are the worst at role play.

Because we're supposed to be cum sluts,

we just end up being method actors, right?

You know, the guy you're fucking, he comes in,

he's like, "Yeah, I caught you stealing.

"I'm gonna punish you."

And you're just like...

"But, sir...

"But sir, please, I had to steal

"to send money back to me daughter Cosette."

* I dreamed a dream of time gone by *

He's like, "Oh, my God, how are you still hitting that note

"with my dick in your mouth?

"You're the perfect mezzo-soprano!

"Now seriously, spit on it."

Y'all, I'm such a theater kid,

I'm out here sucking dick in iambic pentameter!

Anybody else?

"How shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"

Baa.

Y'all, I'm such a theater kid, my safe word's "Macbeth."

Because old men do not like when I say that stuff.

Y'all, I'm such a theater kid,

I named my vibrator Chekov's Gun.

Because I'm going to use it, okay?

That is my smartest joke.

Wow, a lot of Chekhov heads in here tonight. Very cool.

Yeah, you like him so much? Name seven of his albums.

It's also, though, like... It's really challenging

being such a talented,

professionally-trained theater artist in the bedroom

because, like, I get too into character, you know.

I have this cheerleading costume,

and my boyfriend thinks it's super-hot.

But whenever I put it on, I never want to have sex

because I'm too stressed about the SAT.

I'm like...

"Babe, get off of me. I'm making Mesopotamia flashcards!"

Also like, I never know when to get out of character.

Right? Because when you're in a play, it's easy, right?

You get out of character when the play is over,

when that curtain comes down, but y'all,

when I'm out here having, whoo, sex,

when I'm out here roleplaying,

I don't get out of character until I come, so...

There are times, all right? Couple of times.

Most of the time. It is...

...four, five, six days post coitus.

I'm in the grocery store,

my boyfriend is like, "Babe, please,

"we are in public.

"Can you please stop being Heath Ledger's the Joker ?"

"Don't you dare kink-shame me!"

Yeah. We have a lot of women in here tonight.

Hell yeah, ladies!

Ladies, are you scared?

Ladies, are...

I'm scared all the time. Oh, my God.

I do have a question for you, though, while I have your...

Ladies, are you ever having sex with a man...

And if you don't do that,

could you imagine a time in which you would?

Are you ever having sex with a man,

and you want it to be done?

- You know? -Yeah.

You want it to be done, but not enough to be like,

"Stop!

"Please stop!

"She's just a child!

"I beg of you!"

So instead, you're kind of just like,

"Oh, yeah!"

"Uh, I want you to...

"come for me."

"Oh, yeah, give me that friggin...

"little cum.

"I'm ready, sir!"

And he's just like, "Yo,

"we haven't even left this P.F. Chang's yet."

The women are laughing.

The men do look devastated. Guys!

Fellas, it's just a little yoke, okay?

We love your friggin...

...little cum.

First thing in the morning, in a smoothie,

just like a mama used to make.

Thank you guys so much. I'm Tamar Rubin!

Thank you.