Original subtitles

Thank you all for coming out.

I know dry season has been hard on all of us.

When is this gonna be over?

I'm tired of drinking sand.

My pee stream is like half of what it used to be.

I get it. We all hate dry season.

But there are benefits. Dry season drives

the tickle trolls north, far away from here.

What's so bad about the tickle trolls? They sound fun.

Trust me, they gave themselves that name

to lure you in. They are ruthless!

But we'll get through this, and as we all know,

surviving hardship together is what creates a sense

of community. Does it?

Yes, sometimes! So, to help us all get through it,

I've organized Dry Fest. We're making it fun,

like we did with swarming locust season.

No one enjoyed Locust Fest.

I seem to remember you

winning the locust-eating contest.

They flew into my mouth when I yawned.

Are you gonna give your medal back?

Let's not go crazy.

OK, then. We've got a lot

of fun dry-season activities planned.

Later on, we'll have a slam poetry contest

called "What I Hate About Dry Season!"

This sucks! Yeah!

Man 2: Window dressing at best! I'm sorry.

What do you want me to do? Fix my melted house!

Strengthen my pee stream!

Can you just make it less dry?

Are you seriously criticizing me

for the weather now? Hey, you signed up

for this when you called yourself king.

I see this as more of a referendum

on his leadership in general.

Scott, slam poetry style: Season's too dry,

dust in my eye! Pee stream's light

and I blame King Ty!

It's more of a referendum on his leadership in general.

Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

Slam poetry's canceled!

Whoo!

It was one thing when they blamed me

for the grain shortage. That's on me

for storing the grain in the pig pen.

And I'll take the hit for the pig obesity problem, too.

But the citizens are being unreasonable here.

I'd say you've got yourself a popularity problem.

I got a problem. My soldiers keep deserting

because of the heat, and the punishment for deserters

is I gotta club 'em.

Which wastes my arm for like a day and a half.

Isn't there a place my soldiers could cool off?

OK, this is one I can solve.

Mom, your temple is nice and cool.

Could Stupe's soldiers use that as their barracks?

Absolutely not! My temple is for my worshipers.

Aren't you overstating the number of worshipers

you have by making it plural? For your information,

I have picked up a small contingent

of very dedicated worshipers, who love

watching me turn into various birds.

Bird watchers? Yes!

Stupe, just convert your soldiers to Mom worshipers.

That won't fly. You know who soldiers worship.

I can't say her name. You can say it.

I have no problem hearing her name.

Athena. Never say her name!

That was a test and you failed.

Ty, I'm working on something that can cool

everyone down. It's called air conditioning.

How does it work? No idea,

I only have the name so far. Well,

in the meantime, can you just make the citizens heartier

and not such crybabies? Are we talking

about... selective breeding?

Cuz just say the word. I'll start the program.

I'm itching to do it with humans.

No! No selective breeding.

People should be free to choose their life partners

through the tried and true system

of arranged marriages and brides for land.

Mom, can we please use your temple?

As long as no one says that name.

Great. I'll get started.

There's gonna be plenty of room if we rip out

a few friezes and parapets.

Don't touch my parapets!

Son, I really hate to see you so down.

I think I know what you need to do.

Yes, just accept that there are times

in a king's reign when he isn't universally beloved.

I was going to say cheat. Cheat?

Let me show you something.

It's in here somewhere. What is this stuff?

I've been alive for thousands of years.

I've collected a few magic items in that time.

Oh, is this a genie in a lamp?

Not quite. It's an orgy in a lamp.

Be careful with it.

Woman, robocall voice: Good morning, Master.

You have one orgy left.

Nope, false alarm.

I'm saving you for a special occasion.

Ah, here it is.

This is a weather stick. You can control

the elements with it.

Whoa! Where did you get this?

I got it from my friends, the Placeans.

It's quite flexible if you know how to use it.

Now, you and I both know you have a hard time

getting people to like you. Of course.

Because I'm an authority figure. Sure,

let's say it's that. But in my thousands of years

on this earth, one thing has always been true:

everyone loves you if you have a pool.

That is true. But I'm not going to cheat

just to get people to love me. Dry season serves a purpose.

It drives the tickle trolls north.

Also, surviving hardships together is what creates

a sense of community is what I'm telling them.

Suit yourself. If you'll excuse me,

it's nap time. If Daddy doesn't nap,

Daddy gets cranky.

Ugh, this heat is unbearable.

Look at my bowl. I've got an algae bloom!

All right, guys, this is your new barracks.

Hang on, hang on.

My worshipers expect an entrance.

Ooh!

Worshiper 1: Oh, I know that one! That's a kingfisher.

Worshiper 2: Ooh, hooded crow! Worshiper 1: Red-backed shrike!

Show the plumage! Show the plumage!

Yeah!

All hail Deliria!

Thank you, thank you.

It was hard. I'm amazing.

Thank you. Mom, I'm impressed.

Bird nerds are highly intelligent

and socially inept, which makes them

even smarter, in my opinion.

All right, guys, move in.

Be respectful of the losers if you can.

Huh. Big, buff soldiers.

Nerdy bird people.

I can't remember. Did Ty come out as pro-

or anti-selective breeding experiment?

You remember things he says?

If we cross-bred their intelligence

with their muscles, we'd create a super-citizen

that could fight and think.

And also love birds, I guess.

Interesting. Soldiers with lovers

in the city are soldiers who don't desert the city.

And if I had worshipers who were smart and beefy,

guess whose hair I'd be in? Athena's?

I told you to never say it!

Angry bird exit!

Majestic.

Good citizens. I think I have something

that will make dry season go a lot faster.

What I'm wearing is called a mud suit. Very cooling.

You think we haven't tried that?

It dries, and then you're just dirty.

Come on, King Ty! We want action!

Who wants a pool?

Cannonball! Ooh!

My leg's a little broken, I think.

I'll be damned.

The old Mantitaur was right.

The whole city is in the pool.

Even Baby Charybdis is here.

Baby Charybdis: Hey, Ty! Great pool!

Hell yeah! I love this pool!

Baby Charybdis: Aw!

Hail Tyrannis! Hero of dry season!

Oh, you guys.

I just want everyone to have fun.

Ah, Dad! I see you're having fun

with the weather stick. Glad you've come around.

Just remember: a little does go a long way.

Right, yeah, sure. I do say this

as an expert in indulgence.

Indulgence, yes! What's this now?

Uh, your grace? Fantastic job with the pool.

No need to thank me for the pool.

Seeing my citizens refreshed and grateful is enough.

One little thing. My cows are dying of thirst.

They're like my family. Who I milk.

Oh, right. Well, I wouldn't be "the people's king"

if I didn't help out your cow fam.

What do you say

to a world-class irrigation system?

I can't thank you enough!

Please, take one of my cow daughters.

Do whatever with it! Oh, that's OK.

Go on. I'm not having sex

with a cow! Huh?

What? Oh! Is that what you thought

I was offering? No, no, no,

of course not. Sex, with a cow? Who would--

No, I was just mentioning, uh, that--in fact,

you know what? I will take one of those cows.

I don't think so. Right. Fair enough.

OK, company! Time for mess!

Seating arrangements are mandatory!

I don't expect them to mate right away.

As a male scientist, I estimate 10 to 15 minutes

of light conversation before intercourse. Let's observe.

Soldier 2: So you just believe everything you see on urns?

Worshiper 2: You think what, the whole thing was faked?

She didn't kill her kids? Soldier 2: You're the one

listening to mainstream Medea! Yikes.

Let's try another table. Soldier 3: I saw my best friend

slaughtered at the Battle of Thebes.

He was standing as close to me as you are right now.

We were only boys. Worshiper 1: Uhh...

are you gonna ask me anything about me?

Maybe this is gonna be harder than we thought.

Ahem! Ahem! Please note

that persons having active leprosy,

or who have had leprosy within the previous 14 days,

shall not be allowed to enter the pool.

Aw! My beloved king?

We heard you're giving away water

and, well, we'd love some

for Krapopolis' orphanage. To bathe them and such.

You had me at "my beloved king!"

Shine up those motherless boys and girls!

Oh, we use the girls for kindling,

to heat the boys' baths. Thanks!

Long live King Ty!

King Ty? If you don't mind. Thank you.

I was starting to think about what that woman just said.

She wasn't saying that they burn the girls

for kindling, was she?

I've heard you're giving out water.

Yes, thank you! Thank you again.

Ooh, please, go ahead. I've kinda been debating

adding a little pond to my property,

maybe putting some fish in it? Say no more.

Will this do?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I mean, yeah,

but I want to reiterate that I'm still

in the "waffling" phase here.

I guess, if I decide against the fish pond,

I'll just dump this water into a gulch.

Long as you're happy! Who's next?

Well, hello, How can I help?

Well, I have this cactus.

The soil feels pretty moist, but--

Better safe than succulent-less!

Oh. Hmm.

That's weird. Let me just...

I'm not normally

into someone with your leg shape, but would you

ever want to "hang out"? Absolutely.

Maybe you'd like to see the city's famous fountain show.

You have a fountain show? We're about to!

Nothing like a little game to get things going.

Worshiper 1: OK, this is a tough one.

What... uh... I--hmm.

I don't know.

Soldier 3: Odobenus the Great? How did we not get that?

Worshiper 1: Am I supposed to know who that is?

Soldier 3: He's the jolly walrus-man hybrid

who forges our armor! You could have given

so many clue words! Walrus! Man! Forge!

Knowing smile! Likes to rape! I don't get it.

This icebreaker always works with mice.

I don't think smart people and people who can

do a one-handed pull-up are meant to talk to each other.

How are my super-soldiers coming along?

Not great yet.

What an incredible surprise.

Who would have guessed, when the soldiers can see all

the worshipers' veins, and the worshipers can smell

all the soldiers'... well, all the soldiers.

Here.

Hey!

We're trying to create lasting emotional connections here!

Worshiper 3: Hi, I'm Katie. My friends are annoying.

Can I hang with you? Stand down, Hippo.

But--come on! I was just--

Worshiper 4: Hey, do you want to hear me talk about

the Sardinian warbler for a really long time?

Do I! Worshiper 4: So, starting

with the plumage...

Isn't instant gratification

just so incredibly gratifying?

I don't know why it took me so long.

Hey, Ty-bone! Great pool.

People are giving me nicknames!

You mean new nicknames.

What was my previous nickname?

Ha ha! We don't have to get into that.

See, before, they felt they couldn't get

too close to me. They were too concerned

about the decorum between a king and his subjects.

Let's say that's it, yes.

But now, look at this. Miriam, up top.

Looking good, Not-Dork.

Hey, can you wet down my sandals?

They just look better with a little sheen.

Sure thing.

Son, might you be overdoing it a little?

Whaaat? Now who's the uptight one?

Grab yourself a Ty Colada and start your next nap right there.

Hey, you guys want to see my pee stream?

Oh, Joshua, we really don't need to see that--

That is quite robust.

OK, this is crazy.

Some of the soldiers who deserted heard about this

and came back, with more soldiers!

And everyone's humping! Something about

the music and the darkness and the alcohol.

We've created an atmosphere

of artificial sexual arousal!

No one can hear anything anyone is saying!

And they're loving it!

I'm gonna live forever!

It's a feeling I'm having right now due to the intensity

of the atmosphere! What?

Oh, hey, Kolax, there's probably gonna be

a lot of citizens who want to talk to me today.

Oh, no doubt, boss. I'll keep 'em away.

No one gets close. That's the rule, right?

No, no, that's the thing.

Ordinarily I would need protection,

but I want to mingle with the citizens now.

I can't let you. It's too risky.

We're living in a new era, Kolax.

One where people like their king.

I'm parched. Anyone want water?

Yesterday I got this thing to do both flat and bubbly.

Ahem.

Damn. What is wrong with this thing?

I've never seen it do that before.

You may have overused it. Overused it?

You can't overuse it.

Can you overuse it? I don't know.

Well, how do you fix it?

I don't know that, either.

I've never been in this situation before.

Well, we've got to get it working.

I'm in a really good place right now.

I've got citizens loving me, cows winking at me.

I need to keep this going. King,

we've got a problem. The Placeans are here.

Oh, your friends who gave us the stick.

Maybe they can fix it. Yeah, no.

They're attacking. Attacking?

Chief Ravdi: I am Chief Ravdi, of the Placean people!

Ravdi, old friend!

Chief Ravdi: Don't "old friend" me, Shlub!

You stole our weather stick! You stole it?!

Chief Ravdi: Open your gates or your whole city

will pay the price! Should we open the gates?

It doesn't really seem like that's the best course

of action, Scott, now, does it?! I don't know!

I just work here! Dad, fill me in.

What have you not told me? Ravdi's a good fellow.

This has to be a simple misunderstanding.

Chief Ravdi: Fire!

Maybe a misunderstanding on my part. Ha ha!

There's no need for violence!

I'm sure this is all just a silly mix-up.

Can we say that? Can we pretend that's what it is?

Chief Ravdi: The silly mix-up was me allowing this thief

to participate in our Friendship Festival!

Did those trust falls mean nothing to you?

Dad, you told me you got the weather stick

from your friends. They are my friends,

and I did get it. But he's saying

you stole it! Stealing is a--hmm,

it's a kind of getting, but I didn't steal anything.

I simply abided by the rules of finders keepers.

Finders keepers? Yes, if you find

something--here's the best bit-- you get to keep it.

I guess when I said they gave it to me, I meant

they gave it to me in a holistic sense,

by leaving it somewhere where I could find it.

Mm! Look, my dad is a silly old man,

and I promise we can make this right.

Chief Ravdi: Lightning! Ow!

You have other sticks?

Chief Ravdi: You better believe we have other sticks!

They're a stick-based culture, which is why

they shouldn't mind losing one. Chief Ravdi: Biting flies!

Ow! Ow! Damn you!

Please, I see that we made a mistake,

and I'd love to make this right. Why don't you stay

and enjoy our many waterfalls and lazy rivers?

Chief Ravdi: You don't get it!

Or perhaps you'd like to experience

our world-famous slip-then-slide?

It turns accidents into fun-ccidents.

If we just get this thing working again,

I promise there's enough water for everyone.

Chief Ravdi: Only there isn't!

The weather stick doesn't make water.

It simply moves it from place to place.

So not only did you steal our stick,

you stole our lifeblood.

Our livestock. Our live... crops.

Our vegetables! Everything!

Hello.

Did you know about this? Who's to say?

I've heard a lot of things over the years.

They don't always stay with me. Besides, I just gave you access

to the stick, I didn't tell you to drain the world!

Chief Ravdi: Dust in your eyes! Ow! Stop it!

Chief Ravdi, we needed water.

My father saw that I was in need, and while he should not

have taken your weather stick in the first place,

surely you see that he was simply trying

to help out his son in an emergency.

Chief Ravdi: It was no emergency!

You're running a sexy chariot wash!

OK,

it did get a little out of hand. Chief Ravdi: Sunburn!

Ow! If using the water stick meant we were

taking water from someplace else, aren't you giving me

somebody else's sunburn? Chief Ravdi: Somehow,

I don't think they're going to complain! Sleet!

Ah! How many sticks do you guys have?

Chief Ravdi: Lots! What do I have

to do to make it right?

Chief Ravdi: Give us the water back.

All of it? Chief Ravdi: Yes, all of it!

OK, just let me think. Ahem. Dad, you know these guys.

What kind of damage can they do?

Just kind of this relatively topical stuff?

I don't know. I'm not a stick man.

I'm more of a finders-keepers man.

Of course you don't know.

It seems like the worst they can do right now is biting flies.

I'll just take my chances.

Ravdi, you old bastard,

you've built a bigger stick, haven't you?

This is probably a stupid question,

but where the hell are Mom and the army?!

It's still so hot. And there's no moisture

left in my body. Gimme some of your helmet water.

Get off! I'm already flaking!

Soldier 4: That was great. Soldier 2: Yeah, last night,

I drank wine till I was disoriented and unable

to perform sexually. I feel ill today.

Let's do it again tonight! Weren't you one

of the deserters trying to leave Krapopolis?

Soldier 4: Yeah. Changed my mind, I guess.

Turns out if I drink enough and dance around at night,

I forget my life during the day is miserable.

So people will stay in the most disgusting,

awful city if it has some kind of "night life."

We need a name for this principle.

Oh! What'd you say your name was?

Soldier 4: Miami. Ehh...

Technically I should beat these deserters.

But maybe letting them have fun is better than clubbing them?

That's what we call it: "deserting"!

No! "Clubbing." Hey, Mom. You're up.

Anybody pregnant in there? I don't think so.

Most of your troops had too much wine to raise the flag,

if you know what I mean. Ohh, right.

I think I know what you mean. Well, it didn't help that

your worshipers spent half the night in the bathroom crying.

Katie was going through some stuff.

You know, I think we should do this again.

Or at least, roughly every seven days.

We can call it "Septimal Night Veneration."

We're already calling it "clubbing."

Well, we'll see what catches on first.

So that's probably some sort of doomsday stick,

right? I had no idea they have

this kind of power. I should have known

there would be crazy consequences if I used

something from your magic box. Yes, you should have,

and I did warn you. We have two options.

Option one is we all die. Option two is I give them back

their water, and people don't like me.

I think it should be fairly obvious, son.

Yeah, easy for you to say.

People have always liked you. But now the Placeans are going

to do whatever that stick does, and the tickle trolls aren't

even here, so I'm starting to think they were just

something you and Mom made up to mess with me!

Well, that's on you for being thirty

and still believing in tickle trolls.

But I believe I owe you an apology.

Any more to that?

Oh, I haven't done this in a while.

I thought that would be enough. What's called for, specifics?

You're actually asking? Yes!

All right, all right. Um...

I just hated seeing you being unhappy and unliked, son.

But as your dad, I should get used to that.

No? More? Is that enough? It'll do.

And, as a leader, in the future, I should resist

overpromising and immediate gratification.

True leadership lies in under-promising,

overdelivering, and slow progress.

Ha! It's a whole back and forth!

We're both apologizing!

What fun we're having! Ah, ha ha ha ha!

Yes. You know, we have done this before.

Well, son, even if this whole town turns on you--

and they will-- I'll still love you.

Thanks, Dad. I guess no matter what,

they will never be satisfied, and that's something

I have to be OK with as king.

I think I know what I have to do.

Everybody out of the pool. Swim time is over.

Boo!

I'm not getting out till my toes are all wrinkly!

This water you're all enjoying,

and that's making you all love me, was stolen.

So I'm afraid it must be returned.

Boo! Yes,

you can hate me if you want. We do!

And I accept that.

Or I will someday.

Oof. Oww!

Huh?

Oh!

Man 2: Oh--oof!

There you go. Chief Ravdi: And the stick?

What? I can't sneak anything past you guys.

Are we good now? Chief Ravdi: We're good.

Now you know never to mess with the Placeans.

Ha ha ha ha! Man!

That huge decoy stick works every time.

Well, now that everyone hates me,

I might as well drown my sorrows in an orgy.

No, no. I have something else

in my magic box for you. It's a hug.

But what about the orgy lamp?

Haven't you learned anything? That's just for me.

Tickle troll leader: Ah, another delicious meal

under another perfect moon.

A tickle troll giggle for this beautiful day!

What's this? What's happening?

Tickle troll shaman: I knew this day would come.

It is prophesied.

For millennia, we tickle trolls lived in harmony with humans.

We visited them in their sleep,

and they rewarded us with their delicious laughter.

Heh! But then, parents started using us as a threat.

"Beware the tickle trolls," they said.

"Their name is a fake-out," they said.

"Brush your teeth or the tickle trolls will get you!"

"Don't wet your bed or the tickle trolls will get you."

Heh! No longer did the children bless us with their laughter.

They screamed at the sight of us!

So we stopped tickling them.

Generations of kids grew up

never even seeing us!

They believed they had been tricked.

And just as foretold by our sacred oral tradition,

when the last little boy stopped believing in us,

we would disappear.

Tickle troll leader: Wait. You knew this day

would come, but you never told us?

Tickle troll shaman: It never came up.

Tickle troll: We have an oral tradition?