Original subtitles

King Tyrannis. A messenger

from the seaside city of Messenia.

Well, it's about time.

I demand to know what the Messenians

are planning to do about the smell.

Uh, smell? We in Messenia

just wanted to know if Krapopolis

would like to barter for some of our

fresh, nutritious squid.

Everybody knows you guys

forgot Poseidon's birthday

and he punished you by making it rain squid.

We're downwind of you!

Hey, who cares why we have so much squid?

All you need to know is the first 30,000 are free.

What can I put you down for?

Stupendous, would you please

bodily drag this man out in a dramatic fashion? Next!

Please! They force us to eat what we don't sell!

King Tyrannis. My name is Angelioforos.

An-Angeli--?

Angelioforos.

What a beautiful name.

Thank you! It means "message-bearer."

Eh, a little less beautiful, knowing that.

Well, that's OK!

Not really here to talk about the name.

Led with it. I come from afar,

bearing not just a message,

but an invitation--and a gift!

Ooh. Is the basket edible?

Has that ever stopped you before?

It's made of fig brittle

because it's as sweet

as our princess, Lycosa,

who seeks true love.

So, edible.

Yeah, sure, you could eat it.

Anyway, Princess Lycosa, who I just mentioned,

is sending messengers such as myself

to the most eligible bachelors in all the land.

And I'm one of them.

This sounds like a scam.

All of the land?

And you sound jealous that a beautiful woman

isn't asking you to compete for her love.

Where did you get "beautiful"?

He just said "sweet."

You have no idea what she looks like.

Do you have a picture of this princess?

There is no artist

who could adequately capture her beauty.

Wow, that sounds very beautiful.

She invites you to her palace

on the Paradise Peninsula.

Paradise Peninsula!

You heard of this place?

Yes! Just now.

It's a peninsula and a paradise

and you can find true love there.

To coin a phrase: "Thanks but no thanks."

Whoa, that's good. Can I use it?

Go nuts. Thanks!

But no, thanks.

Tell the princess I said

"Thanks and, yes, thanks."

Nah, that didn't work. Just tell her I'm in.

Ty, even if "love" were a real thing

and not a series of chemical brain-crotch reactions,

which it is, what are the odds you could possibly

love some stranger? So cynical.

Smart people often are.

I think you can be smart

and believe in love.

And fate. And fairy tales--

Fairies are real and I have the

fairy squishing stains to prove it.

You got any more gift baskets?

You ate the whole thing?

There was a mug and some souvenir

Lycosa magnets in there.

You're welcome! But thank you.

No thank you!

Whoo!

Which toga makes me look sexier:

the one with the slit all the way up my thigh

or the one with the slit all the way up my butt?

I don't get fashion, but I do get convenience.

Butt slip.

I think so, too.

Why leave something to the imagination

when you've got an absolute shelf?

You guys seriously don't think this is weird?

What's the big deal? We all got butts.

Not the butt talk!

A creepy man from a distant land

arrived with a gift basket,

and now our brother is inexplicably

racing to compete for a stranger's love.

Welcome to the modern era, Hippo,

where a man can compete for a woman's love,

even if it makes you uncomfortable.

It doesn't make me uncomfortable.

It feels like a trap.

Why would the love of my life want to trap me?

The love of your life?!

You don't even know what she looks like!

It's not just about looks, Hippo! Shame.

He's being weird, right?

...Der than usual?

I don't know. He's a pretty stupid man.

But I mean... it's a trap.

I like traps. You get to

fight your way out of 'em.

It's a change of pace.

See this palace? I'd like to keep it.

As in, I'd like to come back from

my journey, and not find

the whole thing in ashes.

I wouldn't waste the strength it took

to conjure the very weak fireball that would require.

We won't be away long.

Just try not to make any of your classic messes.

Well, I can't promise that.

I eat a lot of fruit.

Just don't touch anything,

don't break anything, and at least

don't fundamentally alter the character of Krapopolis.

You've made your point.

Go, will you? I can see

your whole bottom in that outfit.

Oh, that reminds me. No naked stuff in here!

Does he honestly think we can't handle

a few hours alone with his stupid little city?

This is more like it.

Oh, good God, I thought he'd never leave.

I still haven't!

Can you just try to explain to me

one last time why you're in love with this person?

There're no explanations for love, Hippo.

Yeah, there are. Like, "I like the way

she acts," "I like the things she says,"

"I literally have met her

or at least know what she looks like."

So superficial! Come on. Help me out here.

I'm gonna need a good hook for Lycosa.

A net would be easier.

A metaphorical hook.

To set me apart from other suitors.

Now, do I lead with the fact that I'm

king of a city that will change

the course of human civilization?

Or, do I assume that's implied,

and lead with a joke?

I have a hard time believing

you're gonna have a lot of competition, Ty.

Unless it is some kind of spell... in which case

jokes are the last thing you're gonna have to worry about.

All right. Maybe a magic trick, then?

What the hell?!

The audacity of that son of ours,

thinking we'd ruin his little city!

What is there even to ruin?

What did he think we were going to do?

Invite all neighboring cities to a no-holds-barred,

no-loads-refused orgy the second he left?

We waited at least 5 minutes.

Let the depravity commence!

Where is everybody?

You know I'm not picky, but usually,

we attract a lot more

and better-looking playthings than these.

Housefly person: Don't worry. I just like to watch.

I only got here so fast because I flew.

The roads leading to Krapopolis

from most major cities are pretty rough.

Well, who knows how long we have

before who's-their-faces get back?

Looks like it's Deliria to the rescue once again.

What was that? Oh, I just enchanted some carts.

They'll stop at all the nearby cities

and ferry more sex freaks here

at regular, speedy intervals.

What are we supposed to do with these two? Talk?

Oh, I already made love to those

while you were fixing the roads.

Housefly person: Watching is for the birds.

Ha ha ha. Flip-flap!

Don Who Smiles: Welcome to Lycosa's Palace,

where you'll be competing for a chance at love.

I'm Don Who Smiles.

Tia Who Smiles: And I'm Tia Who Smiles.

Don Who Smiles: And we're a married couple.

OK. Is that important?

Tia Who Smiles: We're here to find out which of you

lucky suitors will get

all of your physical and emotional needs met by

meeting, falling in love with,

and marrying beautiful Princess Lycosa.

Are you rich or something?

Well, I'm a king.

OK, yeah. That explains it.

'Cause at first, I was like, "What?"

Because... you know. Yes, no, I get it.

Because look at you. And look at me.

Yeah, yeah. Right. I mean, when you

put us next to each other like this--

OK. Are you also a king?

Oh, uh, I'm more of a handsome guy

who just "hangs out." In fact, it's unclear

how I pay for goods and services.

I'm Cork, and my deal is a wheel.

In that I'm a wheel-maker.

Axle me anything!

Well, not anything.

Only about wheels, technically.

I guess I...spoke too soon! Ha ha!

Boo! Terrible!

And what about you?

Me? I'm Tod.

I'm a suitor you'll see

right now for a few seconds

and then never again for some reason.

There she is!

All right. I got it! I figured it out.

Oh, yay, good for you.

The flowers in the gift basket!

Oh, you want to tell me about it?

Some kind of pollen or poison or pheromones.

When he sniffed the flowers, they made him fall in love!

Yeah, but I ate all those flowers

and I'm not in love.

Ohh. Yeah.

Unless the effects kick in slower when it's

ingested instead of inhaled.

All right, now, don't be alarmed.

This is a pretty incredible illusion,

so, no hitting if you can help it.

I'm Stupendous. Rhymes with tremendous.

Warrior, demigod, sex volcano, bed destroyer.

Stupe, what are you doing?!

Winning the hand of the most gorgeous woman

I've ever seen in my entire life.

And you are...? Hippocampus,

half-brother to not one but two idiots, apparently,

and therefore also competing for your hand, I guess?

Gah, that's what I was gonna say!

No wonder the sky is grey.

The gods put all the color in your eyes.

Silly! The sky is blue today.

It's sometimes grey, and I'm talking

about those times!

Excuse me. Mind if I steal her away?

Actually, I do. I was about to

regale the good lady with tales of--aah!

He had someplace to be.

What do you say we get out of here

and I overwhelm you

with feminine power?

Lady Lycosa, King Tyrannis again.

I got your gift basket that you sent

to me specifically, and not to my siblings.

I'm a king. It's why I said "King Tyrannis."

You two are siblings. Half, yes.

But again, I'm the one who was invited

and I'm the one you're going to marry.

You can marry her after she and I

have a lifetime of happiness

and die in each other's arms.

Let me guess: you're here to steal her away.

I'm here to steal you away.

You two need to snap out of it!

Snap out of what, falling in love?

Neither of you can be in love with Lycosa.

You didn't even want to come here!

Yeah, you got a head start, you're welcome.

But do you seriously think she'd pick you

when she could have all of this... and this...

and this... and this... and this... and--

I'm not competing with either of you!

Yeah, OK.

We're on to your strategy, Hippocampus.

Strategy? What strategy?

You're both being mind controlled!

There it is. Yep.

No, you actually are!

Something in the gift basket. Remember?

Oh, wow, cool. Well, you know what?

I'm in love with her. She makes me want to be

a better person--a better king.

She makes me want to kill more enemies

but, you know, with honor.

She makes me want to design

a wheel that spins forever.

Sorry. I'm Cork, from earlier. The wheel-maker.

Family discussion, Cork!

This isn't a group conversation!

Get the hell out of here, Cork!

Not sure if it's weirder to do it

with a human that was formerly a goat

or the other way around. Better try both.

Darling,

another smashing success.

Ty should let us run the city more often.

Look how happy everyone is. Smiles all around.

These events usually have at least one crying couple

discussing non-monogamy.

And the citizens are loving

that connected cart system you made

to get to and from the orgy.

It's transit for the public but it's sexual.

There must be a joke there somewhere,

perhaps some sort of word play... public...

I need a congratulatory drink!

What is that? Housefly person: A smoothie.

A who-thie? Housefly person: Buncha fruit

and milks and stuff all mixed up.

Cost me my firstborn, but I'm going to have

one of these every day now.

Next-born's first if the first one's gone. Am I right?

I can really poop 'em out.

Sounds delicious.

Housefly person: Offspring or smoothies?

Well, why not start with the smoothies.

Housefly person: Ah, yeah, the fellas from Myra brought 'em.

Myra, the city full of legal scholars?

I didn't know they made the journey.

How wonderful! Did they use--

public sex transit?

No, that's no good.

Housefly person: Hrrrk! Hcccck!

Mm, Hcccck transit?

I like the thought behind it, but I'm not

too convinced it'll catch on. I beg your pardon?

Is he speaking fly?

I believe he's thinking--

about what he's going to say next.

Oh, I see. He's choking. Ah.

He's ugly but not let-him-die ugly, correct?

Mm...

right.

I say, is anyone here a doctor?

Oh, I'm a doctor! Doctor over here!

Housefly person: Uhh!

Huh? Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Housefly person: Thanks! Yeah, still working out

the whole "smooth" part, I guess.

When did we get so many doctors?

I suppose putting out an open call

to horned-up perverts leads to droves of doctors

and other abnormally skilled or talented folks.

This orgy may be the best thing to ever happen to this city.

Then let's keep this party going!

Tia Who Smiles: Suitors! We're ready

for our next wreath ceremony.

Lycosa, when you're ready.

OK, first. Musculus,

I felt a real connection with you.

I think I can be myself around you.

Will you accept this wreath?

Thank you, Lycosa.

I'm the hottest here!

Cork the wheel-maker, I also felt

a real connection with you.

I like how you can be yourself around me.

You "spoke" right to my heart.

You already used that one!

He already used that one!

Tia Who Smiles: Gentlemen, these will be

the last two wreaths of the night.

When you're ready. Tyrannis and Stupendous,

will you both accept my wreath?

That's it. I'm pulling you out of this

before you both get hurt. Hurt?

Did you hear her? We're in!

Yeah, bro, don't be a sore loser.

Tia Who Smiles: The princess will now decide

who'll move on to the best part--

one-on-one alone time with the princess.

Alone time? OK, that's gotta be

when two thugs senselessly beat and rob you.

Shh! Beautiful ceremony happening!

Hippo, you've been looking around all day

for proof that something is wrong,

and you haven't found it. What does that tell you?

That I need to keep looking.

If I do find proof, will you two leave with me?

If we say yes, will you go away?

I'll take that deal!

Cork... thank you for sharing your story

about becoming a wheel-maker because your entire family

was crushed by a wagon you were driving

and you didn't want to let that define you.

Unfortunately, our time together

has rolled to a stop.

I still love Lycosa.

But don't worry, world.

You haven't seen the last of me.

Don Who Smiles: Cork, the exit is this way.

But this is the way we came in.

Don Who Smiles: Yeah, well, there's an exit interview.

We're hoping you have a few more tears left in those ducts.

Uh... I could probably squeeze out a few.

Aah!

They're killing the contestants.

They're killing the contestants! Aah!

I can't just leave this here.

When do you ever find free bones?

Tell me, does the city seem different to you?

How do you mean? I mean, when did we get

a store that only sells

old things people no longer want?

Those old things are new things

called antiques and vintage clothing.

All the latest residents go crazy for them.

That woman. What is she running from?

Oh, no, she's a jogger.

Running is no longer a form of self-preservation

but rather a way to stay in shape between orgies.

That's what orgies used to be for.

Shlub, darling, what's bothering you?

Remember when Ty told us not to touch anything,

not to fundamentally alter the character of the city?

Vaguely. Why?

Is there a way that somehow matters?

It's not like it could hurt him in any way.

Man, things are so much better

than when Tyrannis was king.

I literally cannot stop eating these artisanal grapes.

What makes them artisanal again?

No idea, but I'm sure as heck

never going back to eating

those gross, normal grapes we had under King Ty.

What? Did they say something relevant?

I don't listen to peasants.

Stupe, when I'm marrying somebody,

I'm also marrying their family.

Tell me a little bit about yours.

Well, my brother's a real piece of work.

Hey! What--?! Time to go!

Hippo, we're not interested

in your psychological games.

Games? No games. Murder!

They're luring people with the promise of love

and then killing them. There's a kill room!

Don Who Smiles: Kill room? Do you mean the gifting suite?

We're getting out of here

right--after I marry Lycosa.

Oh, so, it's not a trap anymore?

It is a trap, it is mind control,

and they are killing everybody,

but none of that matters anymore.

I am madly in love.

There we go.

Tia Who Smiles: There we go, indeed.

Huh! The spider part I had not figured out.

It all makes sense!

This entire place is the lair of that thing,

except instead of webs, it uses pheromones

to make us want to stay.

I mean, in addition to webs.

And Lycosa is trying to keep it

from eating the people she loves!

Lycosa is clearly working for it.

How can you say that? And you claim to love her!

Oh, so, you only love her if she

isn't working for the spider?

If she's working for the spider,

I'm sure she's got her reasons.

I don't even care about her reasons.

I love her either way.

You only love her because of pheromones, you said.

We all got the pheromones!

That doesn't change anything. Love is chemical anyway!

It doesn't make a difference

'cause I'm the one who won her heart!

No, you did not. When's that supposed to have happened?

"Won her heart"? In your dreams you won her heart.

Princess Lycosa. ♪ I've been writing you... ♪

Princess Lycosa... Tyrannis. Ha!

♪ ...Or has it been writing me-- ♪

Can we talk? I'm worried you're

not here for the right reasons.

What? No.

Hang on. Why are we sliding?

Wait. Lycosa! Wait! I love you!

She's gonna bring him to the spider.

She's gonna feed him to the spider.

One down, one to go.

Stupe, no. Look, we all love her,

but we also know she's gonna kill us.

That's one of her little quirks.

Think for a second. Our love is real.

We know that, and it doesn't matter

that it's part of a feeding strategy

for an enormous monster.

Right... She's not

the only thing I care about.

I also care about Ty...

and you... and my life!

Not in that order. OK...

So, here's the thing. Let's kill that spider.

And then we can sort out which of us

gets to be with Lycosa.

Me! No, me!

All right, all right, first things first.

It's--Sorry.

It's spider-squishing time.

Even the orgy tent has changed.

Don't get me wrong. I love the exposed brick,

but I'm beginning to worry we've changed too much.

Mm, you might be right. If Ty gets back and sees

how great we made the city in the improbably short time

he's been gone, he'll be crushed,

which will make him unbearable.

Excuse me. Since King Tyrannis is gone--

hopefully forever--I figured you're the one I should go to

about the new community theater I'm hoping to build.

"Community theater"?!

Yeah, but also a cultural center.

You know, like a place to challenge audiences, but also

provide new opportunities for meaningful expression.

We could maybe have some classes that we could charge for...!

This has crossed a line!

Housefly person: What an eyesore.

You're doing great, darling.

Everyone is quite unhappy.

A store that only sells food for dogs?

I don't think so.

Oh, just what we need-- more rubble.

But what are we going to do about all the perverts?

They're the source of all this frightful advancement.

I'm afraid the only way to get rid of them

is to end the orgy.

"End the orgy"?!

I know, but all good things must come to an end,

so we can have better things,

like no responsibilities

and a son who's not whining at us.

OK, everybody, orgy over!

Stop coupling in delightful and surprising iterations,

and go home.

You're ruining our city.

Yeah! Those doctor perverts

were curing our ailments.

All the perverts were great.

Joshua, please shut up.

All these advancements. You're gonna undo them?

For what? Your son?

No. I am a goddess.

I do things because I feel like it.

My wife!

I'm sorry, Ty. Thank you for sharing your story

about how you could probably do a lot of push-ups

but you can't because of an elbow injury,

but I'm afraid our journey

has been pushed as far as it can.

OK, I'm beginning to think my brother

may have been right that this situation

is not what it seemed, but at the same time--

you're making a mistake.

If you'll just give me a little more time.

We have a connection.

You have to feel it, too. We're in love!

Aah! Oh!

Let him go. Really?

It's over, you two. I won.

You're clearly losing right now.

It's an active conversation.

He's mine! That is so nice to hear.

Oh, my God. Lycosa's a tongue!

She's a tongue? She's a tongue!

Oh, my God. You're part of the spider?

Uhh! Aah!

But I don't hold it against you.

I still believe we can make this work.

Ty, it's not too late.

Yes, I ate the other suitors, but that was always the plan,

just like it was always the plan to find the love of my life.

And it's you, Ty. It was always you.

I think I was just scared, you know?

I'm scared, too.

Ty, she's gonna eat you!

I know that. But also... awww!

Good. Now hand it over.

Lycosa...

I've decided this relationship is unhealthy.

Aah!

Mom can never know about this.

Yup. Agreed.

Wow. Look. The old palace is still standing.

I guess Mom and Dad didn't burn it to the ground.

Very nicely done, darling.

Wait a minute. Where's the smell of

rotting food and feces?

Oops. Missed a spot.

Mother!

Angelioforos, voice-over: And that was the end

for the others.

But the ending of one story

is always the beginning of another.

Maybe not always.

Yeah, you know what, I'm gonna say always.

The new story wasn't simple, like a story about a spider

pretending its tongue is a woman to make

a bunch of people fall in love with it

so it can eat them, with the help of a loyal servant.

It was a story about struggle, survival,

the little cruelties that cut so deep,

but it was also a story about kindness and hope

and the strength in all of us to change.

Ultimately,

it was the story of you--

the most beautiful children,

the most beautiful family in the world.

I love you all so much.

OK. Time for dinner!

It's OK, world.

You haven't seen the last of--