Original subtitles

[V.6.]

Ugh! God, just shit already, Belbo.

Jesus Christ.

Fuck!

-Hi, Mom. -Oh, honey bun.

We haven't heard from you in days.

Daddy and I were starting to get worried.

What do you mean? I literally texted you last night.

Well, not this morning.

Fox Newsis saying that there's all these gangbangers

out in California like that Cript gang.

Um, it's the "Crip" gang, Mom,

and I live in the Hollywood Hills,

so we don't see many of them around here.

Have you found a job yet, sweetie?

Because we didn't pay for you to move to LA

just so you could sit around and drink Bloody Marys all day long.

Uh, Mom.

Mom, hang... Hang on one second.

Why? What's happening?

-What is... Is it a drive-by? -Mom. Mom!

Just hold on. Hold on for one... Fuck.

Fuck me!

-Hello? -God damn it.

Who the hell are you talking to on the other line?

What do you want, Damon?

I tried calling you last night, seven times.

You didn't answer, of course, so I'm just assuming

you were out partying somewhere.

I went to bed early.

I'm still not used to the time difference.

Time difference?

You've lived here for two weeks, Hannah.

God, Jersey girls are all the same.

Just how many girls have you dated from Jersey, anyway?

And what county are we talking about?

Morris, Bergen, Essex?

If you say Monmouth County, I swear to God I'll kill myself.

You can't trust people from Jersey...

Hey, Hannah. What's up?

Oh, hey, Teddy. What's up?

Beautiful day, isn't it?

Bet you don't get this weather back east, right?

Well, I'll see you around.

DAMON: [ON PHONE] Hello!

Hello! Fucking answer me, woman!

-Who the hell are you talking to now? -What? Oh, it...

No, it was just the recycling guy.

Do you think I'm some sort of idiot, Hannah?

They pick up trash on Thursdays. It's Tuesday.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

-I'll have to call you back. -This is why I don't trust you.

[SERENE MUSIC PLAYING]

Maybe we can switch positions?

Um, sure.

I feel so...

I feel so close to you.

Mmm-hmm. Just breathe.

Remember, what lies behind us

and what lies in front of us

are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

-Oh, that's beautiful. -Yes.

If we're always chasing after the next moment,

how can we ever enjoy the one that we're in?

Just think about that and breathe deeply.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Mmm.

You know what? This is very relaxing.

Mmm-hmm, yeah.

-Um... that's... -Oh!

Um... It's okay. Let's just maybe switch positions

to the horizontal lotus.

Sorry, that's not supposed to happen.

No, no, please. Let's just shift our aura

to a more platonic one.

I just think you're really good at what you do.

And I... I feel like you get me.

This happens to a lot of my clients, honestly.

We call it a breakthrough moment.

It is?

That's what you learned in medical school?

Um, well, no,

but I did study Deepak Chopra.

His online courses are the tits.

Deepak Chopra...

Okay, just breathe and repeat after me...

I am in control of my emotions...

I am in control of my emotions.

And today I choose happiness.

Today I choose happiness!

[CRYING]

Okay, um... Just close your eyes and breathe.

We must be willing to let go of the life that we have planned

so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

When we let go, we create space for something better.

[MAN PANTING]

That's so right.

But I just can't believe she left me.

I'll never have an intimate connection again.

That's not true.

I'm sure there's plenty of women out there

you could have an intimate connection with.

Yeah?

I don't know any, but I'm sure they're out there.

Tissue?

Thank you.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Brooklyn, you're not even gonna believe

what happened to me just now.

I can come back... -No, no!

Our session was just ending.

Yeah. Wait, what? It is?

-Yes, it is. -Just like my marriage.

Now, if you refer a friend,

you will get your tenth visit half-off.

-Oh, thank you. -You can exit through the kitchen.

Please be sure to lock the gate behind you

because we have a dog.

Thank you so much. You're like an angel.

Oh, I know. Go ahead.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

If you could drop this off on your way out,

that'd be really helpful.

Thanks, sweetie. Bye-bye.

And good luck.

-Good luck. -Bye, now.

Dude, what the fuck?

I know! $200.

I already paid for my business cards

and three coffees from Starbucks.

What the fuck is a conscious cuddle, anyway?

A safe way to make money from home, Hannah.

So is Mary Kay.

I don't know what that is.

What is that? Is that a Jersey thing?

Are you in the position to be giving spiritual advice?

Because you don't believe in God

and your therapist says you're one step away

from being a fully-fledged sociopath.

A week ago, the old Brooklyn would have hit a bitch

for talking to me like that...

But I live in LA now and I'm spiritual.

So I'm just going to kindly ask you

to go into the kitchen and make me that fat toast

I like so much with the avocados.

Spiritually shut the door on your way out, too.

Namaste.

-Meow. -Isn't what you're doing

kind of like escorting?

Isn't there supposed to be avocado on this?

Look, there's nothing sexual about it.

If anyone gets creepy with me,

I have a taser in my night stand

right by my vibrator.

That sounds safe.

No. No.

Oh, fuck, no.

Where are all the quality guys on this thing?

It says they're all actors and entrepreneurs and shit.

Well, "entrepreneur" doesn't sound so bad.

"Entrepreneur" means unemployed or drug dealer, Hannah.

Considering you just broke off your engagement two months ago,

do you really think you need to be on any more dating apps?

Says the girl with the terrible, jealous, judgmental boyfriend.

Besides, I'm the one who ended it,

and I'm totally okay.

Moving on to bigger and better things.

Like "conscious cuddling"?

I'm just saying, we've only lived here for two weeks

and already there's Rob the bartender,

Roberto the club promoter,

Chad the skateboarder,

and Bob the stand-up comedian.

I mean, if you do the math,

that's three Robs and a Chad.

Would you like me to continue?

You're right.

Total fucking losers.

That's why I need to get on Raya.

Raya... The dating app for celebrities.

Kira met Matthew Perry on that thing.

But you're not a celebrity.

I have almost 6,000 followers on Instagram, Hannah.

I'm an influencer.

Well, it sounds like you're really "breaking the Internet."

Thank you. Instagram followers aren't cheap.

-[FARTS SOFTLY] -[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

It smells like sh-dookie in here.

Well, if you took the dog on more walks,

we wouldn't be sitting in his toilet.

I walk.

Going to take selfies at Runyon doesn't count, Brooklyn.

I'm going to make food.

I feel like we're always eating.

Basically.

Okay, well, just remember that I can't have gluten, dairy or meat.

Oh, I see. Chef Hannah at your service.

Well, I would offer to help you,

but we both know that the only thing I have control over in the kitchen

is the fire extinguisher. So...

-[GASPS] -[PHONE DINGS]

-Oh, my God! -What?

-Fucking brace yourself. -What?

-It's Christian. -What?

Christian! Our high school PE coach.

The one everyone was in love with?

Yes. Oh, my God.

Do you remember when we met him?

You just decided to commute from Jersey,

and I had just transferred from that ratchet all-girls cunt academy.

I remember. You just matched with him?

Yeah. Holy shit.

I guess that means he lives here now.

-Mmm. -Weird.

Did you even do PE, though?

I thought you got a note excusing you

-because you practiced Reiki.

He messaged me.

[SHRIEKS]

Okay, I'm not going to respond right away

because I want to not look desperate.

Yeah, that's smart.

Okay, what do I say?

I don't want to look desperate,

so I was thinking...

Oh, yeah, that's playing it real cool.

Ah, he already responded.

Be a doll and grab the Pinot.

I probably shouldn't drink.

You know Damon thinks I'm super annoying when I'm drunk.

Pretty soon you're not even going to be able

to take a shit without checking in

with Probation Officer Damon.

That is not true.

I shit when I want.

It's a little twisted you still use these.

It's a little twisted you only open one bottle.

-[PHONE DINGS] -Ah!

He invited us to go to San Diego...

Or he invited me, but you're coming.

Because you don't have a driver's license?

I do. I just forgot to pay those parking tickets.

Ah, because you're irresponsible, then.

Jesus Christ, why are you always such a buzzkill?

What's in San Diego?

I should stay here and try and look for a job.

They don't just hand out production jobs, B.

And my parents are really riding my ass.

I really don't want to end up in reality again.

[GULPS]

-"Catch up." -What kind of event is this exactly?

Who the fuck cares? It's Comic Con.

And I'm pretty sure "catch up" is a euphemism for dirty sex.

Or maybe he really does just wanna catch up.

This thing is literally tomorrow

and I don't think that Damon would appreciate it

if I just left without saying anything.

Great. We'll rent a car. We'll leave tomorrow.

This is gonna be the most epic road trip ever.

It's like our Romy and Michele Tucson "here we come," moment.

Don't you have to work, anyway?

Bitch, please.

I'm a freelance cuddle consultant.

I make my own schedule.

Ugh.

We're going.

This could be the future father of my children.

Or at least the dog.

I'm not getting any younger.

I really don't think this is a good idea.

Plus, Comic Con?

You said that Marvel movies give you anxiety.

Not the ones with Chris Hemsworth.

Hello, Daddy.

I wonder if he's on Raya.

He's married.

So?

[MUZAK PLAYING]

[TYPING]

Welcome to DUI's car rental. How can I help you today?

Hello. We'd like to rent a car, please.

I can definitely help you.

-Do you have a reservation? -No.

But I'm sure we can figure something out.

[LAUGHS] I'll see what I can do for you.

Thanks.

[GASPS]

What the fuck, Hannah?

What happened to you?

Well, I thought I was looking a little pale,

so I went and got one of those airbrush tans.

Okay. You look like a black Rosie Perez

or the guy from The Jazz Singer.

Clearly. It's gonna wash off in the shower in two hours,

and then it'll look great.

It fucking better. I'm so sorry.

[MOCKINGLY] Here's your Venti matcha.

Almond milk?

Do I look like an idiot?

-Is that a legitimate question right now? -Yes, it's almond milk.

Not everyone is trying to poison you, Brooklyn.

You know I have bad IBS.

I have one car left.

-BROOKLYN: We'll take it. -Great.

I'm hoping it's a Mustang.

-How cute would we look in a Mustang? -We need an SUV.

We need to be up high, I'm little.

What about, like, a Cadillac?

-Okay. -Or like an Escalade.

Whatever's classy.

Escalade's great.

I just don't want to roll up in something janky.

It better be something nice.

[GROANS]

I don't think this is almond milk.

Where the hell is this guy?

I feel like I'm fucking melting out here.

[BOTH GASP]

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

[HORROR MUSIC PLAYING]

Absolutely not.

I'm not getting in it. No.

Your chariot awaits.

No.

-[DOOR CLOSES] -What happened to the handle?

Just grab the one inside the door.

Give me the keys.

Oopsies.

I have to shower or I'm gonna get stuck looking like this.

We have to get in that house.

Oh, fine.

I'll just hop the fence and let you in from inside.

It's not my fault your Range Rover's on a flatbed truck

just now approaching Nebraska.

Now we have to ride in this piece of shit rental with no air conditioning.

Okay, next time we'll take your car.

Oh, right. You don't have one.

So, if you have nothing further to say,

I'm about to parkour my way into the house for you.

-[BROOKLYN GRUNTS ANGRILY] -[CAR DOOR OPENS]

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

-Hey. -Oh, hey, Teddy.

Hey, Hannah. I didn't know you had a RAV4...

-with no AC. -It's a rental.

Um, my Rover is late from New York.

-I'm suing. -Right on.

It's kind of like that Kanye song, am I right?

-Huh? -"...push a RAV4."

"RAV4..." Something, something.

Oh, the RAV4. Right, right.

-Yeah. -Where you all going?

Oh, just to San Diego for Comic Con for the night.

It's a casual getaway.

Oh, dope. I always wanted to go to that,

but never could get away from work.

-Mmm. -I mean, I love all, like, the costumes...

Yeah. It should be pretty fun.

We're pretty excited.

-There's... -Come on, cunt.

We got to get your ass in the shower, get our junk in the trunk,

and I have to take a regular milk-shit, you liar.

I knew that wasn't almond milk.

-Hey, Teddy. -Hey, Brooklyn.

Classy as always, huh?

[SARCASTICALLY] It is so good to see you.

And in something other than a Tommy Bahama shirt, nonetheless.

Although I'm pretty sure the courts require you

-to wear that monitor on your ankle. -[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Well, Hannah, I'm gonna get running,

but, uh... it was good to see you.

Good to see you.

BROOKLYN: Okay, so we have about four hours till the show starts.

That gives us enough time to go to the hotel,

power change, power drink, power up our cell phones

and get there with enough time to pre-game.

-Where we staying, anyway? -[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

I don't know. It's this hotel I found on HotelTonight,

but it actually looks pretty nice.

There is a private bathroom and a luxury hot tub.

Aw, all right. Maybe this will actually be kind of fun.

I think so.

[GASPS] Do you remember this song from high school?

-Hell, yes. -Oh, my God. Turn it up.

♪ Oh, how she rocks

♪ In Keds and tube socks

Oh! I should snap this for my followers.

♪ But she doesn't know who I am

♪ And she doesn't give a damn about me

♪ 'Cause I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby

♪ Yeah, I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby

♪ Listen to Iron Maiden, baby With me

♪ Ooh

BROOKLYN: Okay.

This is perfect.

Kira Matthews took a photo here and she got 3,000 likes

and I have better engagement than she does.

I really have to pee.

Is there a bathroom around here somewhere?

It's the perfect midway. It screams,

"I'm on a fucking road trip, bitches."

Can't we just enjoy the scenery instead of plotting

-your next Instagram photo? -Here.

Just be sure to get me from a good angle, would you?

No, not low to high. High to low! High to low.

You're gonna make me look like a fucking whale.

Facetune can only do so much.

Like that?

Um, could you get on my side, my right side?

And get the mountain in the background.

Also hurry, 'cause I'm sucking in.

Well, if you would fucking stop talking so I could take

the goddamn photo and find a fucking bathroom

that would be great. Thank you.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

How's it look?

Uh, just a couple more.

And do not get that car in the background.

I don't want anyone thinking I drive that.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

Okay. Got it. Took approximately 250 photos,

so you should find one you like.

Sh-weet!

All right, back in the car we go.

We gotta get there and you're driving really slow.

You gotta pump on the gas.

Um... But the bathroom? And by the way,

it's called safe driving.

My driver's ed teacher used to say,

"Alert today, alive tomorrow."

Just trying to keep us alive.

[SCOFFS] Whatever, Driving Miss Daisy.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

BROOKLYN: This is it.

Hmmm. It looked better online.

We'll see.

We're here.

BROOKLYN: Okay, quick. I don't want him to see us.

We made it. [SIGHS]

Thank you.

[MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC PLAYING]

This looks like a six-year-old's bedroom.

Or an obnoxious European man with a man bun

who vacations in South Beach and wears a gold chain over his hairy chest.

Okay.

Hello.

So, you just be two luscious ladies, huh?

One night in San Diego, correct?

Uh-huh.

Is the whole hotel like this?

Like what?

[SIGHS IN EXASPERATION] Goat fucker!

Bad news. We have a small cleanup issue in your room.

The "ceiling" caved in.

The good news is, I'm going to upgrade you, eh?

To our celebrity suite.

Ooh!

What makes it a celebrity suite?

It's the best room in the hotel.

HANNAH: It's so dark in here. I can't see anything.

BROOKLYN: [SIGHS] Open a window.

-[THUDS] -HANNAH: What the fuck?

I just banged my fucking toe!

-God damn it! -[BROOKLYN CHUCKLES]

HANNAH: Oh!

[GASPS]

[GROANS]

Oh, no.

Ew.

-No. -What is this?

No. No!

-No! -[KNOCK ON DOOR]

HANNAH: Ew.

Oh, hello.

Here are two complementary welcome glasses of Prosecco.

Mmm. Thank you.

If there's anything else you need,

please don't hesitate to come downstairs and grab it.

-Gee, thanks. -[SPITS]

[GASPS]

Have a sexy stay with us.

Ugh!

Oh, God.

Ugh!

[PHONE VIBRATING]

Damon?

Ugh, yeah. But I'm not gonna answer it.

He's just gonna yell at me for something I didn't do.

I swear I'm a pretty good girlfriend.

You know what? This is bullshit.

You guys have been dating for, like, two months,

and most of it has been long distance.

This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase.

I know.

Ugh. I should say something, literally anything.

What's the name of the thing you were here to see?

You know, you should really be with someone who's not so controlling.

Says the most controlling person I know.

I resent that.

-[SPITS] -[GASPS]

Law and Justice SVU, the unauthorized parody musical?

Are you fucking serious, Brooklyn?

But you love Law and Justice.

It's your ringtone.

Yeah, for when my mom calls. That doesn't mean I like it.

She reminds me of a prosecutor,

cross-examining me all the fucking time.

Well, at least there's a bar. That's a good sign.

[HANNAH SIGHS]

Kids today, they don't appreciate the classics, man.

Totally, man.

[BROOKLYN CLEARS THROAT]

Do you guys have tickets?

I mean, you don't need tickets

because it's definitely not sold out,

but if you have tickets,

my boss likes me to mark it down.

Okay, we should be on Christian Jones' list.

Okay. Go on in and find a seat.

Wait, there's not, like, reserved seating?

No, man. Just grab a free seat.

Okay, well, where is the bar?

Oh, look, Hannah, they have your favorite, Bloody Mary.

I love Bloody Marys! Yes.

Fine, I guess I'll have one.

I mean, I can't pass up a $5 Bloody Mary.

I know. Two Bloody Marys, please.

Um, are you sure you don't... You don't want four?

Four? Double fisting?

I like the way you think.

Four Bloody Marys, please.

Friends are coming, so...

We thought we'd get some for our friends.

They're not coming.

Want a wiener in your drink?

Okay, that's disgusting. You're gonna have to pay for that.

-[GAGGING] Oh! -[LAUGHS]

Oh, good. There's people here.

-HANNAH: Yeah, shocking. -[MAN COUGHING]

Looks like everyone in here is missing a chromosome.

BROOKLYN: Shh, be nice.

-Grab a seat, would ya? -HANNAH: This row?

Yeah, that looks good.

Well, no cup holders.

They couldn't afford colored programs?

I thought this was a part of Comic Con.

It's supposed to be.

I don't know, maybe it is. Maybe they just cut costs.

Oh, yeah, and they used all their cash on a seating chart

and special effects team.

In fact, I may Yelp about it.

It's not that bad.

It's a no for me, dawg. Ugh!

I'm really gonna need these Bloody Marys.

Oh! I found his name in the program. Look.

"Christian Jones, Detective Stabbler.

"In his free time, Christian likes to explore his passion for song

"and grooving to Nickelback

"with his goldendoodle James Taylor."

Ah, that's so cute.

You know, if he has a pet,

that means he's good at relationships.

-If he's good at relationships. -Boy.

Did you say Nickelback?

I literally unfriended anybody who like them on Facebook.

Admitting you like them is like admitting you like Donald Trump.

It's social suicide.

And why is the "S" in "song" capitalized?

Shh. It's starting.

[SARCASTICALLY] Wow, I can hardly contain my excitement.

Perhaps later you would like to reminisce

about 3 Doors Down or Creed maybe.

I like Creed.

[FOOTSTEPS ECHOING]

[LIGHT SWITCH SNAPS ON]

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] Hear ye, hear ye!

It's been a long journey back from the countryside

where I was taking a trip.

I took a good old Greyhound up to New York City

where the crime rate is high,

and the apartment rentals are pretty darn steep.

It's like the Oregon Trail brought before my very eyes.

-[CHUCKLES] Oh, my God. -It was there that I came across the most valuable players

in the criminal justice system.

These...

are their stories.

-[GUN COCKS] -[GUNSHOT]

[GASPS]

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

[VAUDEVILLE MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ What makes a victim special?

♪ Gives you that extra pizzazz!

-♪ Are you elderly? -♪ Disabled

-♪ Or a child? -♪ That's cool

♪ Were you murdered by a psycho?

♪ Or Sanduskied at your school

♪ Nauseating crimes are what we do

♪ It's Law and Justice

♪ SVU

♪ The musical!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

♪ Rape kit, rape kit

♪ What secrets do you carry?

♪ Anal swabs or napkin sanitaries

HANNAH: Aren't we supposed to laugh?

♪ Would help lock up this demon?

♪ Oh, rape kit

♪ Please come through

♪ Rape kit

♪ I love you

BROOKLYN: It's all right.

HANNAH: How come no one else is laughing?

♪ I keep on telling you

♪ I'm really not your guy, bro

♪ Let's say I believe you, son

♪ But tell me how'd she die, though?

♪ I didn't even know her so of course I didn't shoot her

♪ Good story, pal

♪ But your splooge was in her kooter

♪ Your splooge

♪ Was in her kooter

♪ Your splooge

♪ Was in her kooter

♪ Your splooge

♪ Was in her kooter

♪ Splooge

♪ Kooter

-Answer, boys! -[LAUGHING]

[MAN SHUSHING]

If you fucking shush me again,

I'll push you in the fucking ocean.

-WOMAN: Do the perp walk. -BROOKLYN: I hate people...

-Oh, my God. -[BOTH LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

♪ Law and justice Law and justice

♪ Law and justice

♪ Law and justice

♪ SVU

♪ The end!

Jesus, that was the longest ten hours of my life.

Thank God for those Bloody Marys.

-I could really use a cigarette. -[SIGHS]

And in all actuality, I'm pretty sure that was only like an hour.

-Time off for good behavior? -[CHUCKLES]

Um, excuse me, do you have any cigarettes?

Ew, guess not.

Oh, God, that's nasty.

Maybe he's trying to help the environment like Leo.

Stripping the streets of San Diego

one cigarette butt at a time.

Hmm. Just to be clear,

I would totally smoke Leo's butt.

-I'll bet. -I didn't mean it like that.

Good tidings, fellow theater-goers.

Do either of you happen to have a cigarette

we could bum, perchance?

Why are you talking like the old man in the play?

I don't know, I feel like I have to talk like them.

-They can hear you. -We don't smoke.

No, you know what? I might, actually.

Um, I confiscated some at school earlier.

Yeah.

Thank you, good sir.

Are you a student or a teacher?

Do you need a hall pass?

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

I... I teach science.

Yeah. And he just got out.

Of prison?

The marines, actually.

Two tours in Iraq, one in Syria.

Oh, wow.

Um, apologies on behalf of my friend here.

And we thank you for your service.

Thank you.

Semper fi.

[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]

Hmm. [CLEARS THROAT]

Cool backpack.

Uh, yeah. Thanks.

They were giving them out at the Kanye vs. Predator exhibit. You guys going?

Oh, yeah. My friend's in the show.

He plays Detective Stabbler.

He'll probably hook us up with some passes.

What? That's so cool.

You guys know someone from the show?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

So what are you guys supposed to be anyway?

-Oh, uh... -You go first.

Yeah? All right. Well.

-[BELL DINGLES] -I'm Septa Unella.

From Game of Thrones.

-[BELL JINGLES] -Shame!

Shame!

Shame!

Shame!

Sha... It's a character from Game of Thrones.

And I'm Hodor...

Holding Bran.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, how clever!

Well...

Yeah.

-Thank you. -Mmm-hmm.

Are you girls models, or...

Oh, I'm actually what people would call an influencer,

which basically means I'm famous.

But I also do a blog and styling.

My passion is screenwriting, but I cook and I have a podcast.

-I have a lot of talents. -Wow.

What do you do for money, though?

Mom? Mom? Are you there?

I'm a conscious cuddler.

Basically, I take people

who've experienced high levels of trauma

and I cuddle the shit out of them.

And I'm empathetic and shit like that.

It's actually quite lucrative.

Does it work for PTSD?

Oh, yeah. I get all kinds of weirdos.

Um, what about you?

We just moved from New York two weeks ago.

She's a former reality starlet turned aspiring film producer.

Wow, what show?

Um, I don't really wanna talk about it.

It's called the Parsippany-Troy Hills.

It's basically like Jersey Shore,

but it's set out of a flip flop shop in Parsippany.

Just to be clear, I'm not from Parsippany.

[GASPS] Hi!

Brooklyn.

Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. I almost didn't see you.

I was so busy talking to my new friends.

It's so great to see you. What did you think of the show?

I loved the show. The show was... [STAMMERING]

-Amazing. Right, Hannah? -Mmm!

You remember Hannah?

I think so. You ladies were in the same class in LaGuardia.

-Hmm. -Yeah.

So, what was your favorite part of the show?

Oh, definitely the Japanese water torture.

Chinese.

-Oh. -It was Chinese.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Chinese water torture.

And then they started singing about sexual assault.

It's such a powerful topic.

Yeah, "torture" is definitely a word that came to mind.

You know, that's one of my favorite scenes.

It really makes you feel...

You know what I mean?

BROOKLYN: Yeah. CHRISTIAN: Hannah, what about you?

What was your favorite part of my performance?

I... There's just so many, I don't know that I could tell you.

I know, right? But pick one.

Yeah, Hannah, pick one!

Well, I really loved the part where you and the lady cop

sang about friendship in the workplace.

I wish I had friends at work.

Oh, and Splooge in her Kooter was a great song.

-Yes. -Yeah.

You know, I've always thought police officers were so...

Sexy and powerful.

Great show, Christian.

CHRISTIAN: Thanks, Treasure, so good to see you.

I'm gonna wait inside and get something from the bar.

I think that's a great idea.

I'll be in in just a minute.

I'm just saying hello to some old friends.

'Kay.

'Kay.

Hey, you guys wanna hear some Law and Justicehumor?

Hey, you know what, I'm sorry,

I actually have to go back in and strike,

tonight being our last show and all.

Why don't you ladies pop in for a quick drink

if you're finished talking with these fine gents.

-Yeah, sounds like a plan. -All right.

-All right, excuse me. -All right.

-All right. -Okay.

Okay.

Last show? I thought this was the only show.

[SHUSHING]

Don't fuck this up for me with your negativity.

You know what? We actually have to go.

Tomorrow we've got some latex to set,

and it takes so... It's a process.

Maybe we'll see you guys there.

-Maybe. -Yeah, yeah. For sure.

All right. Okay.

You know what? Uh, you should have the backpack.

-You should have it. -Oh, no.

'Cause it'll look better on you.

And they're giving out a... They're giving out a ton...

Oh, you know, I don't need that.

-I don't need it. -No, I insist.

I'll take the backpack.

-Take the backpack. -Thank you.

CHRISTIAN: No. No, big deal.

-Thanks. See ya. -CHRISTIAN: All right.

What? She... She looked like she wanted it.

BROOKLYN: That's fucking hideous.

It's fucking rad and I like it.

You put me through this shit, I get the backpack.

[GASPS] Hey, Mr. Bartender.

Hey. Well, I don't have much left in terms of drinks.

But I can make you ladies a couple double vodka Red Bulls.

Sounds good to me.

You know that stuff makes us a little wild.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Here you go.

Thanks.

Chindon.

Salud.

Mazel tov!

You know, I'm so stoked you ladies enjoyed the show.

As you know, I've been acting in film for a while,

but I feel like now the theater is calling my name.

Oh, yeah. Sounds like it.

It's like when I was playing assassin number two in Tower Heist.

Ben Stiller turned to me and he said,

"I bet you'd be great in the theater."

Oh, my goodness, that's impressive.

Right? It's like...

♪ When you've been given the gift

♪ Of song

♪ It seems so wrong...

Not to be bestow it upon the people.

Ben Stiller knows.

It takes talent to recognize talent.

Totally.

Are we really talking about Zoolander right now?

Can he even sing?

Well, feel free to finish your drinks.

And I hope you ladies enjoy San Diego.

Oh, so you're taking off?

That's a shocker. [CHUCKLES]

Well, you know, few of the fellas

and valued cast members are going out on this yacht.

I would invite you ladies, I really would, but there just... Just isn't room.

Oh. That's fine, I guess.

Yeah, sounds like space would be really tight on a yacht.

Yes. Treasure's ex-husband owns it.

He's a bigwig at Google.

Sounds positively teensy.

But you're gonna get us passes to Comic Con, right?

-And we'll see you later, right? -Possibly.

My plans are a little up in the air right now,

but I gotta spend a little time with the Law and Justicefam.

In regards to the passes for the convention center...

I'd get you passes, I really would, but the truth is

I don't have any, because technically...

This isn't a Comic Con event.

[SNORTS] No shit.

So, you're just gonna leave?

Oh, no, I'm gonna finish this drink,

and then I'm gonna leave.

So, what you're saying is you don't have passes

and we drove three hours to technically not go to Comic Con?

So great to see you ladies.

Oh, and you know, I'm up for the dad

in Dirty Dancing: The Musical.

And it's a national tour, so I'm gonna be pretty...

I'm gonna be pretty busy.

But hopefully, we can reconnect in LA,

and maybe I can get you in for a rehearsal.

I mean, like, nobody puts baby in a corner, right? [CHUCKLING]

Yeah, sure.

Be safe.

Bye...

Uh...

Hmm.

BROOKLYN: Can you believe that fucking guy?

"There's not enough room on a yacht."

You gotta be joking.

HANNAH: Well, at least we got this dope-ass backpack now.

I feel like I'm one of them.

A nerd, Brooklyn, I'm blending in.

I love it!

BROOKLYN: Like, what are we supposed to do now?

I drove three and a half hours for me not to get a boyfriend,

and not to get fucked.

Like he was ever gonna be your boyfriend.

He's just some loser PE teacher who played

assassin number something in some movie that nobody ever saw.

Well, actually, now that I think about it,

Damon and I saw it, and I don't recall him being in it.

But that's not the point.

You were probably too busy sucking his dick to notice.

He could've been my boyfriend.

He was giving me all the right signals.

He was flirting with me... Like, do I look bad?

No. Jesus!

Why is this always about you?

We look hot, and we didn't come all this fucking way

to sit on our asses with the cast

of some shitty parody musical

that shouldn't even be a musical.

I mean, who sings songs about rape kits?

Who writes this shit?

I guess you're right.

Well, what do you wanna do, then?

I don't really wanna go back to our bum hotel.

Let's get white girl wasted.

Fuck these losers, fuck these stupid men.

They're a waste of our time.

This is all about female empowerment!

Wow, you're bordering out of control.

It's like I'm looking in the mirror, and I'm seeing myself.

And?

I kinda like it.

MAN: [RAPPING] ♪ Hey, yo, we party like a Jenner

♪ I pulled her off of Tinder Was a hot girl summer

♪ It's a bad bitch winner

♪ I'm a cute boy You see me

♪ Flirt with the Yeezys

♪ Like the way you tease me

♪ I'mma hate it when you leave me

♪ Here's the new martini

♪ What'd you say your name was?

♪ Only thing we got in common

♪ Really is the same buzz

♪ What a struggle

♪ We might get in trouble

♪ I'm playing games like a puzzle

♪ She getting paid just to cuddle

♪ While I'm young

♪ I'm drunk in the city with the angels

♪ And she tryna get these jeans

♪ So make sure you hit the angles

♪ Hot, el fuego We dippin' like it's queso

♪ You do what I say so Might fuck around in San Diego... ♪

Excuse me. Sorry.

Excuse me.

HANNAH: There's a list guy.

Oh, please, I got this.

I love your outfit.

You have sensational style.

I don't think he's gonna let us in, Brooklyn.

Maybe we should go somewhere else.

Of course he will. I love the gays.

All my best friends are gay.

I was on the Kiehl's Gay Pride float

for the past four years in a row, Hannah.

I'm basically an honorary gay man.

Whatever you say.

Can I help you?

Hi! Yes.

There are two of us.

Are you a model?

I swear I've seen you before.

Maybe Twist in Miami?

Yeah, you two need to get in line. Thanks.

And you can't bring that in here.

Because it may contain contraband?

Mmm-hmm, because it's hideous.

But it was a gift to us.

Kind sir, what is your name?

Reggie.

Reggie, we drove all the way from Los Angeles

to go on a date with a guy who basically ditched us.

I just wanna go in there and charge my phone.

Fine. Whatever.

Just see the cashier on your left.

Cashier?

We have to pay?

[CHUCKLES] No. I think you misunderstood.

I think it's a $10 cover. Each.

Ten dollars?

Dude, come on. I don't wanna keep walking around.

My feet are starting to hurt.

But, sir,

or... [CLAPS] Reggie.

I've never paid to enter any premises in my entire life.

Usually people pay me for my presence.

I'm an influencer.

Okay, that might work in Los Angeles, ma'am,

but this is San Diego.

"Ma'am"?

How old do you think I am?

We're basically the same age!

Okay. [LAUGHS]

-Ugh! -What's up, Reg?

Hey, Ramon, how are you doing?

You looking all flawed, man!

Looking all Versace Hachi right there, man.

Stop it. Oh, my God. [PURRS]

Oh, you shut up, man.

Yo, these lovely ladies are with us.

You know I got tables.

Hey, anything for you, Ramon.

-You ready to go? -BROOKLYN: Uh-huh.

Do you see that?

He called us "girls."

I'm not a "ma'am." I'm not old!

See if I see you on the Kiehl's float next year.

Hey, get inside before I change my mind, ma'am.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

What the fuck are these people on?

Whatever it is, I hope it makes them better looking.

No wonder they have that guy outside.

It's false advertising.

Yo, so many honeys in this spot tonight.

And we landed the baddest two looking right here.

Oh!

Unbelievable!

Let me introduce you to my crew.

This is Charlie,

that's Tony Montana,

that's TJ,

and that's my boy, Playboy Adam.

Hi.

Ugh.

RAMON: Shot, shot, shot, shot!

-Load it up, load it up. -[RETCHES]

I feel better.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey.

Hey. Hi!

HANNAH: Hi!

I'm so sorry, I know this is, like, so random,

but are you Hannah,

from the Parsippany-Troy Hills?

Oh, yeah. That's me.

Yeah! Oh, my God, I told you!

I told you it was her.

Um, I'm Kelsey, and this is my BFF, Delia.

And we're like...

We're like... We're huge fans.

Oh, that's so sweet.

I'm Hannah, obviously.

And that's my best friend Brooklyn.

Oh, my God, hi!

So, you're not based in New Jersey?

No, not anymore.

We moved here officially from New York a couple weeks ago.

I'm getting into other sides of production,

and she's a blogger and a screenwriter.

Influencer.

Awesome! You go, girl.

That is so cool!

Ladies, why don't you all come join me and my boys?

We have a ton of room. Y'all can drink from my bottle.

-What are you, like, a promoter? -Promoter?

I'm an entrepreneur, baby.

God, no, this is good.

Entrepreneur?

RAMON: Entrepreneur.

Hey, so, can your friend take a photo of us?

I really... I wanna post it on the 'Gram.

-Sure. -Oh, great. Great.

Okay.

[FLATLY] Say cheese!

Parsippany Hills! [LAUGHING]

Cool?

-Oh, my God, it's so good! -Right?

Maybe we can all take one together, actually.

Hashtag "more beautiful in person"?

I think actually hashtag "new best friend."

Yay! Oh, my God, we're like besties now.

Aren't you gonna introduce us to your friends?

Those aren't our friends.

I'm Kelsey and this is Delia.

Um, hey, look.

I'm sorry, I know this is very...

You're like, "Who is this girl?"

but do you wanna go to another, another bar?

I mean, these guys are, like, lame!

And I'm pretty sure that one of them is, like, a drug dealer.

Something we can all agree.

Uh, I mean, yeah.

Yeah, I guess. Uh, what do you think, B?

And leave our awesome benefactors?

Gee, I'm not sure.

What's up, baby,

you still giving that lap dance you promised me?

You know what, I'm ready to dip.

Pretty sure I saw that guy slip something in your drink.

So, um...

I'm really sorry, but we're gonna have to get going.

My herpes is starting to flare up.

Sorry, guys.

Yo, I got it, too. Don't worry about that.

Where are they going?

They're going to the bathroom. Now you done scared them, man.

They were smoking hot, for real.

Man, I got a pack of rhino pills ready to use.

BROOKLYN: Ugh, are we almost there?

My feet hurt, and I need a Band-Aid.

When my feet were bothering me, you didn't care.

It's just up the street.

Yeah, it's just up the street so... Hannah,

what's it like being famous?

Do you just get everything that you want?

I mean, it's not really much of anything, to be honest.

It's been a really long time.

Well, it's gotta be awesome, right?

What happened with Gino? Is he still your boyfriend?

No, she dates a real winner now.

Damon.

Damon the demon.

No, Gino and I broke up a while ago.

Actually, he's gay,

and the producer just wanted us to pretend like we dated.

No way!

Stop!

I totally thought he was gay TBH,

because, like, the way he talked about the thong-toed sandals.

I was like... I know.

Did she just say "TBH" like it was an actual word?

-[SHUSHING] -Hey, but your new boyfriend

has gotta be like super dreamy.

I mean, look at you, you're such a catch,

and you're all famous and stuff.

Yeah, why haven't we seen him on your IG account?

Yeah, how come?

Uh, he doesn't like me to post photos of us together on the Internet.

And besides, I'm a pretty private person, so...

-Yeah, totally, that's it. -Just shut up already, Brooklyn!

He's okay.

He's just a little controlling...

And it's only because he loves me.

And he's acting, and it's not good for his image.

That's what he said his manager said.

His manager at Sky Bar, where he works every night?

Um, do either of you ladies have a boyfriend?

Yeah, actually, that's where we're going right now.

His name's Andrew,

and he works at this really cool bar up here. It's, like, hella cool.

-Oh, nice. -Super cool.

Yeah. And, you know, he's actually an actor, too.

And he's researching for this, like,

really big movie role right now

where he totally has to completely ignore his girlfriend for research.

Uh, how long has he been researching?

Um, three months.

Yeah, he's really, really dedicated.

He's kind of like Daniel Day-Lewis.

Are you guys seriously this naive?

Oh, my God!

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

Hey, babe! Babe! Hi, babe! Hi.

Is she having some sort of muscle spasm?

-[SHUSHES] Be nice. -That's right.

-What can I get you? -What?

No. Hello?

-Hi. -Hi.

What can I get you?

These are my friends, babe, my new friends.

Do you remember that show Parsippany-Troy Hills

that I was, like, totally obsessed with?

No.

You're so silly.

You're such a silly billy. Of course you do.

Remember Hannah? She's here.

I mean, isn't that wild?

Can you even?

-I can't even. -I know, right?

It's crazy.

Anyway, I want to buy them all a drink.

And by "buy," you mean you want me to give it to you for free, right?

[LAUGHING]

Oh, baby, you're so funny.

Don't make me go all medieval on your ass.

Baby. Honey? Baby.

He's very busy,

-but he'll be back. -Yeah.

He always comes back.

-Always. -It's a bar. He has to.

No. No, it's not an issue.

I should probably start hydrating at this point anyway.

I'm not a big drinker, so.

You did not smash your phone in a crime of passion.

No, no, no. That's nonsense.

I'll get the girl bartender-ress. She'll get us a drink.

Girl, girl.

Hi, girl.

Can we have four shots for me and my... Oh, that's so perfect.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Oh, she recognized you. We really should shift.

-Here you go. -Okay.

-What should we cheers to? -To friends.

To best friends, Hannah and Blankton.

-It's Brooklyn. -Right. Yeah, the blogger.

-Influencer. -Okay, just cheers.

Cheers.

-Oh. -Ugh!

Whoo!

What was that?

Oh, my God. We have to take a picture.

-Was that... -We need a photo.

-We look good. -Good, is my poof okay?

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Oh, my God!

I'm gonna caption this one

"hashtag, that shot life."

But with the "Y" but not an "I."

That's so chill! Nobody's ever done that.

That's, like, the most original thing I ever heard of.

-Um, do you have to pee? -I do have to pee.

I have to pee so badly. Do you guys have to pee?

-I'm good. -We'll just wait here.

-Okay. -Okay.

Cool. I'll miss you so much.

-Bye. -Bye.

Oh, my God, dude.

Those girls are so fucking dumb.

I came here to be with you, not these fucking children.

Oh, my God, stop.

What, are you jealous

that someone's actually giving me attention for once instead of you?

No, that's not it. I just... I don't get you sometimes.

You're the one who dragged me to fucking San Diego in the first place.

Now you're mad that I actually scored us some plans?

Like, I'm sorry that we didn't stay to hang out with the drug dealers

or go on some yacht to hang out with the cast of Shit Dick: The Musical.

You know what? Whatever, Hannah.

Why don't you just run along with your little butt buddies to the bathroom?

Maybe you could finger bang each other and let them massage your massive ego some more.

Relieve your glory days!

You know what? Maybe I will. Get it together.

You're being a fucking bitch.

-Can I buy you a drink? -Moi?

No, that girl right behind you.

Yeah, you.

I'm flattered, but I would feel kind of weird 'cause I just came here with your girlfriend.

-So... -That's not my girlfriend.

She's just some crazy desperate chick who keeps showing up here.

Occasionally we fuck.

Oh, you have a real way with words.

Whatever. I'm honest.

These girls are annoying as all hell and you think so, too.

-You don't know me. -You want it or not.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Fine. But nothing dark, please,

because I don't do well with anything that's not clear.

Whiskey it is, then.

Oh, okay.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

Ugh!

Oh.

And then he told me that he liked my dog better than me

because my dog didn't talk.

-And I was like... -They'll talk soon.

What the fuck are you doing?

-Just taking shots. -Are you hitting on my man?

Ew! Absolutely not.

Yes, you are. I know when you're hitting on my man

and you're hitting on him now.

Trust me, I would never hit on that guy.

Nobody hits on my man and gets away with it.

-No, I'm sure she... -No, don't get involved.

She put the last girl in the hospital.

How many times has this happened?

What are you gonna do about it? Huh?

What you gonna do about it?

For starters, he's clearly not your boyfriend.

He just said so. Also, I think he's hideous.

I only date hot guys.

Oh, Jesus. Here we go.

You bitch.

Oh!

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

You better run, you big titty, cocky...

I'm going to call the cops again.

You better. With your hair and your teeth...

Go, go, go, go! Holy shit!

KELSEY:...doesn't look like a face anymore.

Why'd you have to go and do that?

I... I'm sorry, dude.

Look, I didn't mean for you to get punched in the face.

That girl was out of line.

You couldn't just let me have more attention

than you for five fucking seconds, could you?

You had to go and make a goddamn scene.

I'm sorry, okay?

Look, to be fair, you took it like a champ. Like Ronda Rousey.

Except you didn't even get knocked out.

Thanks, I guess.

Let me see you. All right. It's not even that red yet.

So there's that.

Well, I feel like I just got hit with a Mack truck.

Hey, look, there's a pedicab.

Let's just take it back to the hotel,

have a couple beers from the minibar, assuming there is a minibar.

Otherwise, we'll just have more of Borat's leftover champagne from the lobby.

-Taxi! -Taxi?

It's better than yelling "pedi."

I'm only agreeing to this because my face and my feet hurt.

You know, I hate pedicabs. Are they even legal anymore?

BROOKLYN: Don't be such a pussy.

-HANNAH: Oh, God. -[CHUCKLES]

-BROOKLYN: Hi. -Hey, where you wanna go?

We are going to the Golden West or whatever.

All right, just relax, and we'll get you there soon.

So how long you've been a pedo?

That is a very funny joke, you terrible bitch.

[HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING]

MAN: [RAPPING] ♪ Yeah, it's Brooklyn and Hannah

♪ Bang like a hammer Who they dressing up, glamour

♪ Take pics for the camera

♪ All night stamina Let me go examine ya

♪ I know you heard about me from Diego back to Canada

♪ I'mma grab a drink Better yet, I'm double fistin'

♪ All these people slide into my DMs and my mentions

♪ I ain't push the RAV This cab ain't got no engine

♪ But we still get attention Wait till you see my entrance

♪ Whoa! Spray tan with the glow

♪ Shit came out a little dark but we can go with the flow

♪ My ex is blowing up my phone I wish they'd leave me alone

♪ I'll have another drink so I can get the fuck in the zone

♪ Stuck in the zone Pause every time that she calls ♪

[MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY]

[PEDALS SQUEAKING]

No, this isn't right. This isn't the right place.

You said Golden West. I brought you the Golden West.

I think it's the wrong one. I don't see the janky lights.

Well, I don't know. You asked me to bring you to Golden West,

so here we are.

We'll just call an Uber when I charge my phone.

All right. 50 bucks.

-50? -Yeah.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY] Fine. Fuck it. Give him the money.

Well, it's in the bag.

I gave you the back, right?

Yes, Brooklyn. I magically grabbed the bag

after I got fucking pummeled in the face.

Um, here's one dollar, two dollars, three dollars.

You know what? Here's six dollars.

Keep the imaginary change.

Put that shit away.

You give me $50 right now or I'm calling the cops.

Why is everyone so quick to call the fuzz here?

Look, sir, we left our bag at the bar.

-If you just turn it around, I'm sure we'll find it. -Yeah.

Listen, you stupid drunk and stupid drunk girls, give me my money

or you're going to jail right now.

Relax, Hannah. He's not gonna call the cops.

He doesn't have the balls.

-[CELL DOOR CLOSES] -[SNIFFLES]

I can't believe Christian doesn't like me.

Like...

I wasn't expecting that at all.

What kind of guy invites you somewhere

and then doesn't at least give you a courtesy fuck?

Men are so mean.

Men could be such assholes.

Because of my looks?

I can't imagine that it would be, but is it?

I bought this outfit two hours before we left.

Should I have worn the purple pumps?

Shut the fuck up, Brooklyn. We're in prison.

I've never been in prison before.

I don't even know how this process works. Jesus!

Oh, what's happening?

-Are we being booked? -No.

That petty cab driver was wanted all over town for selling counterfeit Prosecco.

Turns out it was carbonated formaldehyde or something.

We've taken him into custody. You're free to go.

[SIGHS IN RELIEF]

Oh, thank God.

[SIGHS]

Thank you.

Do you mind if I charge my phone for a minute so we could get a ride?

OFFICER: Sure.

-Um, that outlet doesn't actually work. -Oh, good.

But I could charge it for you at my desk for a second.

Would you look at that. Not all heroes wear capes.

It sounds like you ladies have had quite the night.

We're visiting from LA.

That's a pretty thick accent for a California girl.

Oh. She's originally from Jersey, and I'm from New York. We just moved here.

Where are we right now?

We're in Encinitas.

It's right outside of San Diego.

Brooklyn, doesn't Gordo live in Encinitas?

-Gordo? -Yeah.

That raver kid we met at Sidney's house party years ago in SoHo.

He DMed you on Facebook all the time, right?

Shit, you're right! Why didn't I think of that?

Ah, I should hit you in the head more often.

Inside joke.

I'm going text him right now.

Yeah, I mean, worth a shot, right?

Hopefully we can make one more stop before we head back to our actual hotel.

-Totally. -[PHONE DINGS]

Oh, that was quick. He said, come over.

Sweet. Maybe we will actually have some fun.

Yeah! They're probably raging right now.

Hey, if you want, I can give you both a ride.

BOTH: Oh.

Well, never ridden in a cop car before.

Well, hopefully there's a first and a last time for everything.

Where are we?

Fuck if I know. This place is weird.

Are you sure this is right?

According to Google Maps, it is.

I was expecting more of a techno-y vibe.

-[BELL JINGLING] -BROOKLYN: Wait, are they meditating?

Okay, I'm really gonna need this dose of rough first.

Hey, where'd you get that?

I stole it from the police station.

Oh, great. Petty larceny from the police station.

-[MAN CHANTING SANSKRIT MANTRA] -Hashtag, great choices, Hannah.

[SHUSHES]

Hannah. Brooklyn.

Wow. It is so good to see you guys.

-Hi. -Hey.

Shh! Got to keep our volume down, though,

because if you look here, we're having our nightly moon phase meditation.

You know, that's much better. Thank you. Come here.

-You guys just... -Oh, okay.

You guys just look un...

believable. Flowers for the fortunate.

-Oh, for me? -For you.

Lemme see your hand. Ah! [CLICKS TONGUE] Spikes.

[MOUTHING] What the fuck?

[BELL DINGING]

[SOFTLY] I'm so sorry.

Oh, okay. All right.

-It's all love. You feel? -Yeah.

Captain.

I want you to lead the moon mass, mon frere.

This is our revolutionary coach.

Also a roommate.

-Duality, right? -Yeah.

Duality.

[EXHALES]

Ooh, boobies.

Oh, no, no, no. We don't touch him.

No, thank you so much. Yeah, that is the sacred sanctum of our home.

Captain's nipple god. You heard of it?

-Nipple god? -Yeah.

Nipple god.

It's kind of like the mascot here, you would say.

Whenever we have any issues, we just walk up to it and just stare.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, I mean, it's funny. He's always got the answers.

He encourages conscious calamity.

-Calamity? -Yeah, like calmness.

That's what it means.

Doesn't calamity mean disaster?

-Yes, it does. -Okay.

Girls, I would like to welcome you

to the mystical mansion.

Some of us call it the productive palace

or the spiritual sanctum.

It's really, I don't want to say radical,

but I do want to say radical.

It feels like a really elevated experience being here with you.

So thanks for having us. Cheers.

[SHUSHES]

No, no, no.

Give me.

We don't do this here. This is way off brand.

This is negative energy.

No wings here.

What we do do is SGC, Spiritual Gangster Coffee.

You feel me?

Try some of that. That's what we drink here in the house.

Well, that and, uh, nature's miracle.

-GHB? -Urine?

-Water. -Oh, of course.

Um, what's "ghee"?

I don't wanna ask these people anything

'cause I'm pretty sure this is a cult.

A friendly cult.

I got to say, I was very surprised to hear from you both.

But you look good.

-Been a long time. -It has.

-And you've changed quite a bit. -Bit 'n about.

Is there dairy in this?

I was once like this cone, you know, little prickly,

not much going on, circular.

But then I came here, and I just had my surfboard and some good vibes.

You feel?

Met some like-hearted heroes along the way.

I don't really want to say heroes, but I do want to say heroes.

And we found this place, my harmonious home. [CHUCKLES]

It's been a dream. My dream. You know what I mean?

Wow. I'm totally going to use that in my next freestyle.

Dream, mean? [LAUGHING]

Oh, man, I was so lost when you guys knew me before, you know?

So, I bet this comes across as a bit of a shock,

but, uh, I'm much more spiritually grounded right now.

Yeah, we sense that.

You know, Brooklyn has actually been very spiritual lately.

You two should totally chat.

You've been very spiritual, Brooklyn?

[CHUCKLES]

I totally felt that. Look at those vibes.

Yeah, that is fantastic.

That spirituality is in there, isn't it? [LAUGHS]

Body contact is fully encouraged, girls.

Don't touch the nip. Just give it a stare if you need something, all right?

My bad.

What's that dick-looking thing?

-The dick. -Behind you.

Oh, that's my didgeridoo.

Didgeri-what?

It's from Austria-lia.

It's an instrument, you know? Native to the Origi-namis peoples.

Picked it up in my travels.

Oh, well, that's cool. You went to Australia?

I did not. I went to Cracker Barrel.

But it was in New Milford, Connecticut, and they had some sweet deals there, so.

And I hear the wood is from New Zealand,

which is like a second Austria-lia.

-No, that's incorrect. -Hannah.

Why don't you give it a blow?

In here.

Yeah. Come close.

[BLOWING]

[CHUCKLES] Blow harder.

[SCOFFS]

You look ridiculous.

And that's what she says.

Yeah, it's like a fiery flow state, man.

That is just awesome.

[GROWLS]

I must look retarded. I've never played one of these things before.

I'm sorry.

Whoa.

Nope.

Did I say something wrong?

Was it because I said the word retarded?

No. Oh, I'm sorry.

Listen... [PATS KNEE]

We, uh, we don't...

We don't apologize here.

We don't say "I'm sorry."

But "retarded" is okay?

Re... No, we don't like to put ourselves down, you know?

In fact, whenever somebody says, "I'm sorry,"

we like to follow it up with the phrase, "I'm sexy."

So, I'm sexy.

So you know what that means?

-I'm not sorry. -[CHUCKLES] Try again.

I'm not sorry, I'm sexy.

Or is it supposed to be, "I'm sexy? I'm not sorry."

I think you're supposed to say I'm sexy, Hannah.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, she totally gets it. Sexy.

I'm sexy.

-[CHUCKLES] There you go. -[STOMACH GROWLING]

Now say it again with a little more meaning.

I'm sexy!

I'm sexy.

-Didn't that feel good? -Eh, yeah.

Where's your bathroom?

Ah, the "washroom,"

-as they say in good old Canada... -Hurry!

...is down the hallway to the left.

-[FARTS] -Hah!

Ooh.

I'm sorry. Or I'm sexy. [FARTING]

You know, Canada is a really spiritual place.

I planned on doing Ayahuasca there this summer.

It's a third Australia.

My shaman says that doing hallucinogens in places

you've never been is a great idea.

Yeah, that sounds really smart.

-Shamans are smart. Yeah. -Mmm. Mmm.

You should do it sometime.

Yeah, I feel like I've done a lot of work to repress any negative emotions,

so it's probably not for me, but totally admire your passion.

-Cha. -Yeah.

-Cha. -Yeah.

You know what I like about this place

better than the Big Apple?

[DIDGERIDOO PLAYING]

You can see the stars at night.

Should we go look?

Just watch your step.

We've got a lot of stone-age going on around here.

We've got our little dipping ponds,

and then we've got our bigger dipping pond.

It's pretty wet in there, I'll tell you that.

All right, come on in.

Here it is, our Zen Zone.

-Oh, okay. -It's like double Z, Zen Zone right here.

Okay.

They're dancing tonight.

There she is.

Mrs. Dipper. It's the biggest Dipper.

Um, I can't really see it.

It's pretty cloudy.

Yeah, but if you imagine it... it's there.

Like pow... There it is.

Sure. Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Has the nipple guy taught you nothing, sir?

Relax. I'm just feeling your heart chakra.

It's speaking to me.

Wow. She's really verbal tonight.

She's telling me that

there's a little bit of heartbreak in your love life.

Yeah, it just feels like

you're cupping my boob and very tenderly.

Okay.

I'm sexy.

Spiritual, my asshole!

What kind of person tries to make you comfortable

and then jumps on top of you?

A horny person.

There you are.

I googled what "ghee" is, and it's basically butter.

I'm not well. I'm not well at all!

We need to leave, like, right now.

-What? All right. -Come on, come on.

Come back. I... I finally got hard.

BROOKLYN: I don't know why we couldn't have just stayed there.

I would have slept on the floor with my ghee gas.

That's sure to plant some positive vibes everywhere.

What do you mean?

The guy fucking touched my left tit.

Do you know how inappropriate that is?

Right. I get it.

But we don't have a place to stay.

We don't have money. We don't have the RAV4 keys.

And my phone's about to die, Hannah.

Should I go back and ask for a charge?

This is all your fault.

If you hadn't gotten into a fight

with those two girls back at the bar,

we'd still have the backpack,

and we'd be sleeping at Chateau Molesto right now.

Your Jersey groupies?

Okay. I see what this is about.

It was really nice to receive some love and affection from someone

since you don't get any from your boyfriend.

Like, when was the last time you even had sex, Hannah?

You're always giving blowjobs.

I'm surprised you were offended

some guy touched your boob.

I give blowjobs because I like them.

You give blowjobs

because it's the only validation you get in your relationship.

You're a professional cuddler, for Christ's sake!

The only people you can get in your bed

are the ones that are paying you for attention

-because you are a... -I'm a what?

See, I knew you wouldn't stick up for yourself

unless you're on your stupid fucking reality TV show, Hannah.

So say it. Say it! I'm a what?

Oh, are you waiting for someone to cut to commercial break?

You're a fucking bitch.

[GRUNTS] Fuck, Hannah!

My fucking face!

I'm not gonna be able to post now...

[BOTH SHOUTING]

Ah!

I fucking hate you!

Fuck you!

God!

That's it. I'm done.

I am out of here.

No. No, I'm done.

I am done with you and this stupid fake friendship.

You are so selfish. And you know what?

I know you made me look bad

in that beach picture on purpose.

A real friend wouldn't do that.

You know what? Go. Call Damon.

Well, I would, but I don't have a phone anymore.

And maybe you could keep up with me

if you went on any of those hikes you've been blabbing about.

Good luck in the streets without a phone, bitch!

Give a couple of blowjobs,

and maybe someone will give you a phone for free.

Well, at least I have a boyfriend to call.

For somebody who pretends to be such a slut all the time,

nobody even wants to touch you

unless they're mentally deranged

or pays for it.

Ball licker!

-Pussy licker. -What? No.

You know what?

You were always the fucking Tonya.

Always jealous of my success,

fucking trailer trash.

I'm a Nancy, motherfucker.

I'm the classy one.

Oh, yeah. You're a real "class act," Brooklyn.

And by the way, Tonya's story was

completely misrepresented in the media.

"Fake news." Ugh!

BROOKLYN: Fucking bitch!

[GROANS]

[MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY]

[MOANS] Oh!

Thank God!

[GROANS]

You know, if you ladies want to stay

and just drink with me in the back,

I got some more... got some harder stuff in there.

-GIRL: That's okay. -Couple of couches back there.

And you know, I can get into the diner, get some of the food.

You sure?

GIRL: Thank you so very much, kind sir.

ID, please.

You gotta be shitting me.

But you didn't ID them. They're like 12.

You tellin' me how to do my job?

No.

Well, if you're not gonna buy anything,

then get the hell out of my store.

[SCOFFS] Ugh!

Ugh.

HANNAH: God.

[GIRLS CHATTERING]

Change your mind?

Well, he carded me, and I don't have my ID, so.

[CHUCKLES] Aren't you, like, 24, though?

You're sweet.

Bennett can literally sweet-talk anyone into anything.

Yeah. I'm what some might like to call an "influencer."

I influence people.

I've got a friend like that.

Well, I had a friend like that.

Uh, I'm Hannah.

I'm Hailey. Bennett.

Hailey and Bennett.

Hey, you got two bucks? I could do it again.

Uh...

-Somewhere... -Yo, did you get punched in the eye?

Are you a victim of domestic violence?

-No. -Oh, my God. Were you attacked by a coyote?

That's so scary.

It's so close to where we live.

I know! They say that stuff could happen close to home,

but I didn't expect it on our local gas station doorstep.

You poor thing.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Hold my beer.

She's my best friend.

For now.

A car. A car! Hey, wait!

Wait! Wait, for love of all that is holy!

Wait!

Oh, my God.

Please don't kill me.

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

Oh, thank God. [CHUCKLES]

Look, my phone is completely dead.

Can I just plug it in for a minute and I'll pay for a ride?

[SIGHS] Sure.

Here's the cable.

Thank you.

So, where are you headed?

I don't actually know at this point,

if I'm being completely honest.

[SCOFFS]

You know, I can't really take you anywhere

unless you know where you wanna go.

I don't know.

It's like my decision making is so fucked up.

Like, I usually think it's gonna be a great time

and then nine times out of ten, it just goes to shit.

You're not the responsible one, are you?

[SCOFFS] Excuse me?

I see a lot of people in the back seat there and...

Groups of friends that come in and there's always "the fun one."

-I'm fun. -Yeah, exactly.

Fun ones always know how to find a party.

And then there is the responsible one.

And the responsible one knows how to get home.

Wow, that's deep.

[PHONE DINGS]

Oh, wait.

I actually do know where I wanna go.

Ugh. God.

Oh.

Oh!

It's her fucking fault we're here in the first place.

She's just so bossy and so controlling.

She always thinks she's so right.

You know what I mean.

And she called me a pussy.

Pussies are beautiful.

Pussies make babies and shit.

I'm an independent woman.

I'm a tough-ass broad.

[CHUCKLES] Pussy.

Oh, God, no!

No, no, no.

Thank you.

You're so nice.

Hey.

So, that yacht ride turned out to not be all it was cracked up to be.

I can't imagine why.

Treasure got a little seasick.

Yeah... She threw up and it kind of killed the whole vibe.

[LAUGHS]

Well, she was so lovely.

Like pirate's booty.

You know, I just keep thinking

that I should be getting these major parts

and it's just not happening, you know?

What? The thought of channeling

your inner Jerry Orbach not doing it for you?

Wait a minute.

He was in Law and Justice,too.

It's kind of like Inception because so are you.

Inception,exactly.

I should be getting offers like Leonardo

or even Ryan Gosling.

I would have killed La La Land.

Murdered it.

I just wish somebody would ask me

what I wanted to do every now and then.

Like, what kind of parts I want to play.

And I got what I deserve.

Yeah, it would be nice

if someone asked you about yourself occasionally.

I agree.

Maybe Ben Stiller was all wrong about me.

It boggles my mind.

Bartender, can I get another shot, please?

Make it two.

You know what? You know what? Just keep 'em coming,

because I'm gonna need them.

Hey. Hey...

You know what? You really get me.

We should talk more often.

[CHUCKLES] You know,

I'm thinking that we just keep drinking

and then keep the talking to an absolute minimum.

Yeah. Sound good?

Sure. If you say so. Here we go.

Bottoms up.

Oh.

Wait, hold on.

This doesn't feel right.

Should we go to the bathroom?

Shut up.

No, but seriously. Seriously, where are you staying?

We're starting to look as creepy as them.

Oh, you're right. That is aggressive.

Is he inside her?

What the actual fuck?

Hmm.

I knew it.

I knew you were a sketchy little fuck.

Brooklyn... Wait. Let me explain.

Explain what?

You were always so controlling

because you were the one cheating on Hannah.

-Why don't we go to your hotel? -No, butt out, all right?

-Butt out. -This is just a good friend.

I don't know what you saw,

but it's not what it looks like.

I knew you guys were in San Diego,

and then I lost my GPS locator a few hours ago

and then I ran into Heidi here,

and we were just about to come find you guys.

You know what? This is exactly

what it looks like, okay?

Hannah is such an amazing person.

She is loyal. She's kind. She's beautiful.

She wouldn't be in this situation if it weren't for me.

You know what?

Fuck you, Damon,

for being a self-centered,

emotionally abusive little twat

to the best person you will ever fucking meet.

And for who? For Heidi.

Does she yodel and herd sheep?

And fuck you for being such a fucking narcissist.

And you're a bad actor.

-I'm going to find Hannah. -Oh!

Thanks for the drinks, boys.

Brooklyn.

[SIGHS] Hannah.

B, I need to talk to you.

No, I need to talk to you.

I'm so sorry I made you come here.

No, I'm glad you did.

It made me think that you were right all along.

About what?

That I need to stand up for myself more.

Oh, yeah. You do.

If I didn't want to come on this trip, I wouldn't have agreed to it.

But I basically forced you.

No. But I saw this homeless man masturbating on a park bench,

and it got me thinking that

masturbating and procrastinating are basically the same thing.

It's all fun and games until you realize

that you're basically fucking yourself.

Are you still drunk? Because I'm not really following this analogy,

but also, I'm drunk.

I've just been so scared to speak up for myself

and break up with Damon

because I don't wanna be alone.

But I'm not alone 'cause I have you.

Damon's cheating on you.

I know.

No, like, I just ran into him at a bar making out with another girl

while I was making out with Christian.

Don't ask. But yeah,

he was basically giving her oral in the bar.

-It was gross. -Okay, I didn't need to know

all of that information, but I know that he's cheating on me.

He's not that fucking clever.

I basically stalk his Instagram likes, so...

You know what? He was a total nub when I confronted him, too.

He was just, like, staring at me

with these SpongeBob googly-eyed things. It was stupid.

Ugh, I'm so done with him.

I'm ready to be a strong, independent woman.

Kind of like you.

No, if anything, you need to be less like me.

You're so nice to people.

I'm starting to realize that I just need to be by myself for a while.

Maybe date me for once.

Holy shit. We're adulting so hard right now.

-I'm sorry. -I'm sexy.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, my God.

-I love you. -I love you, too.

Jesus Christ!

Very sexy.

-Bro... -[LAUGHS]

Ha.

-Oh, ladies, some guy named Andrew... -[GASPS]

...returned this to the hotel earlier.

I'm having such good karma tonight.

What's in it?

Well, yeah. They took everything of value...

My mom's credit card, cash, everything.

But, of course, they left...

-Oh, fuck. -[CONCIERGE LAUGHS]

The RAV4 in the valet is yours?

Wow, that's hilarious.

[LAUGHING]

It's a hideous car.

Thank you for being so honest.

The car's not normal.

Everyone keeps acting like it's normal.

I would tip you, but I don't have any cash, so...

Oh, well, here. You can have this.

I mean, wait...

We've been through so much together.

Okay. There you go. It's for you.

That's, uh, super generous. Thanks.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

Take care of that.

Thank you.

[PHONE VIBRATING]

Oh, my God. Is he still calling you?

Yeah. One of the perils of buying my new phone this morning.

[RETCHES] Sorry, babe.

You know what?

Damon, I don't even care what you have to say.

I'm done.

Wow. What are you doing?

What're you... [GASPS]

Hannah, you just bought that two hours ago. [LAUGHS]

Shit.

[LAUGHS]

Wait, how soon does your mom's new credit card come?

[LAUGHS] I'm kidding.

Talk about no fucks given, though.

I feel it. I'm ready to be a boss.

Oh, that a girl!

Hey, do you want to stop off at that overlook again

and take a photo?

No, I'm good.

Is there anything you wanna do?

I'm doing it.

Me too.

Ooh, I love this song.

[TURNS VOLUME UP]

♪ So, baby, if you want me

♪ You've got to show me love

♪ Words are so easy to say all right

♪ You've got to show me love

HANNAH: Well, I'm very impressed.

You're so active now.

BROOKLYN: [LAUGHS] Quitting drinking will do that.

I actually wake up before noon now.

And you exercise.

Walking these hills is good exercise

and I find myself enjoying hot yoga.

So how do you like the new job?

It's good, you know?

I'm really enjoying volunteering in the writers' room.

So many cute boys.

-I mean, total nerds, but so cute. -Brooklyn...

But, if you let me finish,

I'm taking some time for myself.

There we go.

Although I will be taking the odd cuddle appointment from time to time

because I find myself really longing for the touch of a man.

I hear you.

Hey, Hannah. Brooklyn.

Just what we needed. A third wheel.

[CHUCKLES] Hannah, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, okay. I'm just gonna go over there.

Bye, Teddy.

What's up?

I know you kind of have a boyfriend...

Um... had. Kind of had a boyfriend.

Oh, right. Well, I was wondering

if you wanted to have dinner with me or something sometime.

Yeah, that'd be great. I'd like that.

-Totally. -All right, cool.

I gotta get going, but maybe I could grab you around, say, 7:00 p.m.?

Oh, um...

Unless you don't want to, then I totally don't...

No, no, no. I am totally free tonight.

I am free as a bird.

I'm like a bird.

Not like the Nelly Furtado song, though.

It's a terrible song.

Unless you like it, then it's totally cool.

Right. Well, as long as you don't eat like one.

A bird.

I hate when girls don't eat.

Yeah. No, no, no. Definitely not.

That's Brooklyn with the restrictive diet.

I love to eat.

Cool. Well, I'm on the entrepreneur diet. I'm hungry for everything.

Did you say you're an entrepreneur?

Yeah, pharmaceuticals.

Great. Um, see you later.

All right.

See you.

He's a fucking drug dealer.

I knew it was too good to be true.

[V.6.]