Original subtitles

Look! It's Turbo Man and Booster!

Kill them both!

TURBO MAN: Turbo disks, anyone?

[GRUNTING]

-Stop him! DEMON TEAM: Go, go, Demon Team!

-Help, Turbo Man! TURBO MAN: I'm coming, Bitty!

Ta-ta, Turbo Man.

[GASPS]

[CACKLES]

DEVICE: Five seconds to ignition.

[SCREAMS]

[DEMENTOR LAUGHS]

It's Turbo Time!

[YELLS]

[IMITATES ROCKET NOISES]

TURBO MAN: Gotcha!

[JAMIE CHEERS]

DEMENTOR: You haven't seen the last of me, Turbo Man!

I'll have my revenge!

TURBO MAN: Here you go, Mr. President. BILLY: Mom, Dad, Booster!

Thank you, Turbo Man.

You can always count on me.

Go upstairs and change, hon. It's almost time to leave.

But Dad's not home yet.

He'll probably miss me get my belt. He misses everything.

[TV TURNS OFF]

He won't miss this. He's probably just working hard.

[BRENDA LEE'S "ROCKIN' AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE" PLAYS]

Rockin' around the Christmas tree

At the Christmas party hop

Mistletoe hung where you can see Every couple tries to stop

Rockin' around the Christmas tree Have a happy holiday

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello, Mr. Jacobs.

Yes, we've been busy. But I like that.

I'm going to make it.

Yes. So what can I do for you?

200 king-sized by next Friday?

No problem. But only for you, because you're our number one customer.

Andrea, hi.

If you think the fabric's too dark, we'll just re-cover it...

...at no extra charge.

What do you expect? You're my number one customer.

And don't you forget, you're my number one customer.

You're my number one customer.

Honey, how are you?

Howard, where are you?

I know, Jamie's karate class.

Don't worry, I'll meet you there. I promise. Don't forget...

...you're my number one customer.

Liz! I...

Look, I didn't mean that.

Liz?

I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it.

He's not gonna make it.

What the...?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

TED: Johnny!

The kids look great.

Yeah, they do.

Ted, I baked you some cookies.

You know, to thank you for fixing my screen door.

Thanks, Judy.

[KIDS GRUNTING]

Ted, I was wondering if you'd mind taking a look at my porch light?

Just doesn't seem to be working...

...and you being such a handyman...

TED: Sure, I've got just the tool for the job.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm gonna make it.

[SIREN WAILS]

Damn it!

INSTRUCTOR: Two!

Three!

Four! Five!

License and registration, please.

I'm in kind of a hurry. I'm late for my son's karate class.

Oh, I do apologize if I've caused you some sort of delay.

How thoughtless of me.

The last thing I want on my conscience right now...

...is for a private citizen to somehow be disappointed...

...in the performance of my duty.

Look, I was not criticizing you, officer. it's just that...

Step out of the vehicle.

[GRUNTS]

That's my boy!

There.

Are we finished now?

Recite the alphabet.

A, B, C...

Backwards.

[CHEERING]

Way to go, Jamie!

I didn't make it.

[CAR ALARM BEEPS]

TED: Hey, neighbor!

HOWARD: Ted!

What are you doing on my roof?

What's Ted doing on your roof?

Ta-da! Ha, ha, ha!

I had some extra lights.

Since you didn't put up any yourself...

...I thought, why not spread Christmas cheer around the neighborhood?

-Gee, Ted. How thoughtful. -Hey...

Sorry you missed the karate class.

Don't worry, I got it all on video for you.

What would I do without you?

Did you tell Ted he could put tights up on our house?

Do you know what time it is?

I know. On top of the traffic I got a speeding ticket.

Don't explain it to me. It wasn't my karate class you missed.

[LAUGHING ON TV]

MAN [ON TV]: We'll be back right after these messages.

Hi, buddy.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: It's Turbo Time.

Now's your chance to save the universe with Turbo Man.

Battle evil with America's favorite superhero and his sidekick, Booster.

Jamie, about that karate class tonight...

I was trying to... Jamie.

Jamie, stop!

Listen.

It was not my fault.

Jamie, don't walk away from your father.

Jamie... Can I come in?

So champ...

...are those hands registered weapons?

Is this it?

Wow! This is really cool.

How do you do this?

Like this?

No, I know.

Like this.

What do you think? How about this?

[GROWLS]

[IMITATES GRUNTING NOISES]

I've done something really stupid today, huh?

-I don't care. -Come on, Jamie.

I hope that's not true, because I really wanted to be there.

Believe me.

You always say that, and you never come anyways.

Purple was important to me, Dad.

That's one away from green and three away from black.

-But I saw you get yellow. -But you missed blue.

You're right.

I really blew it.

I'm really, really sorry.

You think you can let me make it up to you?

Like how?

Like letting me do something special just for you.

If there's something important you've been wanting for Christmas...

Don't worry, I got it covered. I wrote Santa.

But Santa gets very busy this time of year.

Sometimes he has to ask moms and dads to help out.

No, it's not that important.

Tell me.

What do you want?

I want the Turbo Man action figure with arms and legs that move...

...and the boomerang and the rocking rolling jetpack...

...and the voice activator that says 5 different phrases...

...including "It's Turbo Time!"

Accessories sold separately. Batteries not included.

I'm glad you had to think about it.

Johnny's getting one and so is everybody I know!

Whoever doesn't is gonna be a real loser.

That definitely won't be you.

Thanks, Dad.

I love you.

I love you too, Jamie.

-I love you. -Whoa!

HOWARD: You should have seen us.

We were bonding.

We were drawing, laughing, talking about that Turbo guy.

Turbo Man.

Which reminds me. You got the doll, right?

The doll?

The Turbo Man doll. I asked you to pick one up two weeks ago...?

Oh.

That doll. Of course.

You didn't. Please tell me you didn't forget that doll.

No, no, I... I got it.

The Turbo Man doll with those things that shoot out...

...with the rock 'em, sock 'em jetpack...

...and the realistic voice box that says "It's Turbo Time." I got it.

Oh. Good.

There you are.

You thought for a minute that I would not do something you tell me.

I got it right away.

Good.

Because at this point, they'd probably be impossible to find.

DJ [OVER RADIO]: KQRS Minneapolis. We'll do the rockin' while you fill the stockin'.

[CHUCK BERRY'S "RUN RUDOLPH RUN" PLAYS OVER RADIO]

LIZ: Wait! Hey, where you going?

I just have to run to the office quickly. That's it.

Howard, it's Christmas Eve. You can't be going to the office.

Run, run, Rudolph

I have to pick up the D-O-L-L.

I left it there by mistake.

Oh. Okay.

-Bye. -Bye.

Dad. You can't go. What about the parade?

-The parade? -The Holiday Wintertainment Parade.

Oh.

You didn't go last year, or the year before.

Mom and I always go. This year Turbo Man's gonna be there!

Yeah, Turbo Man.

"It's Turbo Time."

Dad, you can't miss it. It'll be really cool.

I won't miss it.

I'll be there.

I promise.

Whoa!

[CAR ALARM BEEPS]

Whoa!

Sorry about that, Howie.

What's that, a reindeer?

A surprise for Johnny.

You just think of everything, don't you?

I believe you can never do too much to make a child's Christmas magical.

What happens to Blitzen after Christmas?

I've been watching a family of deer by the lake.

I thought I'd take him down there and set him free.

Maybe they'll take him in like he's one of their own.

How touching.

Hey, how are you?

Whoa. That's odd.

Reindeer are usually gentle.

There's something about you he doesn't like.

Aftershave or something.

Yeah.

All right, got to go.

Where you off to?

Picking up a Christmas present for Jamie.

Whoa! Nothing like waiting till the last minute.

What'd you get?

One of those Turbo Mans.

That's great.

I got a Turbo Man for Johnny months ago.

It's nestled safely under our tree.

Good.

By the way, they say it may get icy later.

You might want to wrap some chains around those tires.

[MUMBLING] Maybe I should wrap some chains around you.

What?

Come on.

["SLEIGH RIDE" PLAYING]

Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring ting tingling to

Come on it's lovely weather For a sleigh ride together with you

Outside the snow is falling And friends are catting "yoo-hoo"

Come on it's lovely weather For a sleigh ride together with you

What time do you open?

It's freezing out here.

There's 100 people...

Because of two minutes? Because of two minutes you're not letting...

[CROWD CLAMORING]

Give the man a break! He's a dad, trying to get a toy!

Go ahead and have cuts. Last-minute shopping?

Enough to drive a man insane.

Myron Larabee.

Howard Langston.

I'm late because it's the busiest time of the year for me.

Important Christmas letters people send to folks they talk to once a year.

And relatives sending gifts they'll send back anyway.

How many toiletry kits does a man need?

Stupid letters from kids to Santa!

[IMITATING A CHILD] "Dear Santa, can you send me a bike and a Slinky?"

[IN NORMAL VOICE] No! Your father's laid off!

As if I didn't have enough pressure, my son sends me out...

...for some goofy toy, some fruity robot named "Turtle Man."

It's Turbo Man. My son wants one too.

You know it's all a ploy.

-A ploy? -Man, don't you watch TV?!

We are being set up by rich and powerful toy cartels!

Oh, come on.

These fat cats use the working class, like me and you!

They spend billions of dollars on advertisements...

...and use subliminal messages to suck your children's minds out!

I know, I went to junior college.

And I studied psychology so I'm right in there!

I know what's going on!

They make a kid feel like garbage if you, the father...

...who works 24/7 delivering mail...

...to make alimony payments to a woman who slept with everybody at the office...

...but me!

Then the toy breaks and you can't fix it because it's cheap plastic!

I'd like to walk up in that office, grab one of those guys...

...and choke him until his eyes pop out!

Shouldn't wear fur.

Back off! I'm first!

Turbo Man, you're mine!

Move it! Move it!

[GRUNTING AND YELLING]

Get out of my way!

Booster? Who wants Booster?

The Turbo Man dolls, they're all gone!

-There must be one. -There are none!

-Excuse me. -Yes?

-I need a Turbo Man. -Me too.

Do you have any in back?

[LAUGHING]

-What? -Why's he laughing?

Michael, these guys are looking for a Turbo Man.

A Turbo Man doll, yes.

[LAUGHING]

They're looking for Turbo Man.

Hey, everybody, these two are looking for a Turbo Man.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Shut up!

Yeah, what's so funny?

Where have you guys been? Turbo Man's only the hottest selling toy ever.

But we got plenty of Turbo Man's saber-toothed tiger, Booster.

Where's your Christmas spirit?

That's better.

There must be a Turbo Man here somewhere.

Uh...

The last one just left. A lady had it on layaway.

A lady? What lady?

Short...

...with a fur coat!

MYRON: Sorry, buddy!

HOWARD: Give me this. KID: Hey!

This is war.

MYRON: Whoa!

-Yeah! KID: Cool!

Oh, poor baby!

MYRON: Turbo Man...

Ah! Hey, lady!

Hey, hold it!

Wait!

Wait, lady!

I need that Turbo Man!

Wait!

["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING]

Jingle Bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride In a '57 Chevrolet

Jingle Bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one horse open sleigh

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Hey!

Dashing through the snow

In a one horse open sleigh

Over the fields we go

Laughing, laughing, laughing, laughing

Bells on bob tails ring Making those spirits bright

What fun it is to ride and sing A sleighing song tonight

Oh, jingle belts, jingle, jingle, Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride In a '57 Chevrolet

Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one horse open sleigh

I'm Turbo Man.

No, I am! You're always Turbo Man.

JAMIE: You be Dementor. JOHNNY: Heck, no.

Cut it out.

-Hi, Liz. -Oh, hi, Ted.

It's Christmas Eve and you're slaving over a hot stove.

"Mom of the Year."

It's no big deal.

And modest too.

[SIGHS]

Liz, looks like you could use some "you time."

Go upstairs, take a shower. I'll watch the boys, finish up with the cookies.

-Oh, no... -Deh, deh, deh!

Go on.

You deserve it.

Oh. Well, okay, but, you know...

I know, sugar cookies. Bake 12 to 15 minutes...

...till golden brown. Ted's got everything under control!

[JAMIE AND JOHNNY GRUNTING]

Ow!

Pipe down in there!

[PHONE RINGS]

TED: Merry Christmas! Langston residence.

Hi, I... Ted?

Howard! How's it going out there? Everything okay?

Fine. I need to speak to Liz.

Could you get...?

[TED MOANS]

Excuse me, but your wife's cookies are out of this world.

What? Who told you you can eat my cookies?

I'm just helping Liz out a little in the kitchen.

I need to speak to my wife, so could you get her on the phone, please?

-She may be showering, should I check? -No!

I mean, no. It's fine.

On your way out, tell her I will be a few minutes late.

-But she shouldn't worry. -She won't. I mean, I'm here and...

Mmm! Oh, these cookies! I gotta get the recipe from Liz.

Put that cookie down! Now!

Is something bothering you?

At Christmas there's a high incidence of stress related breakdowns.

Oops! There's the next batch. I'll give Liz your message.

Yeah, b...

Hey, look who it is!

-Oh. -Stilt on the hunt?

Sorry about whacking you.

Got caught up in the friendly spirit of competition.

That's all right.

I was thinking, you'd have done the same thing.

Then I realized we're the same kind of person.

I doubt that.

Outside of the brouhaha in the store, we could form a team.

You know, like Starsky and Hutch.

Like Ike and Tina.

Maybe we could do it!

Search and destroy. Divide and conquer! What do you say?

Thanks, Myron, but no, thank you.

Let's do it, man! Let's be a team!

Gee, Myron, I think you're a good guy and all...

...but this I would like to do by myself.

You understand, right?

I understand you! I know what's going on.

Mister, with your fancy cashmere coat and little suede shoes.

I was good enough to talk to in line, but not to be on your team!

That's racism! That's what Jesse Jackson talks about.

MAN: They got a delivery of Turbo Man at Toy Works!

-Turbo Man! -Turbo Man!

Whoa!

Piece of junk!

Oh...

-Officer... -You broke my little mirror.

License and registration, please.

Whoo! Is there a problem, officer?

[TOM PETTY'S "CHRISTMAS ALL OVER AGAIN" PLAYS]

Well, it's Christmas time again

Decorations are hung by the fire

Everybody's singing

MANAGER: Listen up, people!

As to your first question: Yes!

The rumors are true.

We have received a small quantity of the Turbo Man action figure.

Yes!

MANAGER: I'm not going to ask you people to be quiet again!

Here's how this will work.

Form an orderly line so an employee can hand you a numbered ball.

These balls will then be drawn in lottery fashion to see who gets a doll.

If you're not one of them...

...we have plenty of Turbo Man's faithful pet tiger, Booster, in stock.

We don't want it! We don't want it!

Who wants Booster?

In accordance with the laws of supply and demand...

...the price of each figure just doubled.

What?

[CROWD CLAMORS]

["IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME" PLAYING]

It's the most wonderful time of the year

With the kids jingle belling And everyone telling you be of good cheer

It's the most wonderful time It's the most wonderful time

Of the year

I got it! I got it!

[SCREAMS]

-He maced me! -I got it!

I got it! I got it!

He got two! He got two!

Get the mailman!

Get him!

MYRON: He's lying!

That's my ball! Rodney King! Rodney King!

KID: Hey!

This is my ball. Stay.

[YELLS]

Hi, little girl.

Look what I've got.

A shiny red ball.

Want to trade?

Give me the ball! I got it.

-Ow! -Sicko! Pervert!

Get your hands off my kid!

I need the ball! I need that toy!

I need that toy.

WOMAN: Pervert! -I'm not a pervert!

I just was looking for Turbo Man doll!

Hey. Pst. Buddy, come here.

Come here.

You want a Turbo Man?

Forget it. I'm not gonna sit on your lap.

That's not my bag. Get it?

You know, little boy, with your attitude...

...I don't think I'll give you access to this.

Tony, show him.

That was taken this morning.

How do I know this isn't a scam?

Forget it, Tony.

He doesn't want our help.

Wait a minute, guys.

We're businessmen. I'm sure we can work out an agreement.

You got cash, we got the doll.

How much?

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

A Merry Christmas to you.

Are you crazy?

Santa doesn't deliver in broad daylight.

Excuse me. I may be wrong...

...but you're not the real Santa.

Really? And you're not the kind of guy who's got enough foresight...

...to get his kid a Turbo Man before Christmas Eve.

Show a little respect for the suit, huh?

Yeah.

Do you want the doll?

SANTA [SINGING]: I feel sorry...

HOWARD: Come on, I got a parade to go to...

...and I haven't yet seen this Turbo Man doll.

SANTA: Hang a left.

SANTA [SINGS]: He's a little boy Who Santa Claus forgot

HELPER: Beautiful.

[GROWLS]

SANTA: Up here.

I love this time of year. Christmas carols...

...snowflakes, Santa Clauses.

Now what?

SANTA: Are you Dan Rather? What are you, the question king?

Chill.

All right, keep your hands where I can see them.

Password.

Jingle bells, Batman smells.

["BACK DOOR SANTA" PLAYING]

They call me back door Santa

I make my runs about the break of day

They call me back door Santa

I know what you're thinking.

Oh, no.

You have no idea.

Tony, get the man his Turbo Man.

Got it.

I gotta tell you, Santa...

...there's something here that doesn't seem quite...

...kosher.

-Kosher? -Yeah.

This, coming from a guy who assaulted a toddler for a superball?

Listen, we provide a service here.

We don't do this for us. We do it for the kids.

For the kids?

For every kid who ever sat down on Santa's lap.

Every little girl who left cookies and milk for Santa on Christmas night.

Every boy who opens a gift Christmas morning and finds clothes...

...instead of toys.

It breaks my heart.

[CLEARS THROAT]

-There it is. -Ah!

That'll be 300.

-Dollars? -No, chocolate kisses! Yes, dollars!

I can't believe this.

What happened to your lofty ideals? I thought you did this for the kids.

Well, sure. I don't see why we can't make some money in the process.

Take it. Count it.

Put it in the safe.

Don't open that up!

[TURBO MAN SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Well, that's the multilingual version.

It's fun and educational.

I wouldn't...

Of course, there's some assembly required.

-Let me get that. -Put it in the box and...

Forget it. Give me the money back.

Whoa!

All sales are final.

You know what you are?

Nothing but a bunch of sleazy con men in red suits.

-What? -You heard me.

Con men, thieves, degenerates, low-lives, thugs, criminals!

In the North Pole, them are fighting words, partner.

Put them up!

Relax, buddy.

I'm not about to hit a Santa Claus.

Are you chicken?

[IMITATES CHICKEN]

Get him!

[GRUNTING]

Shut up!

[LAUGHS]

I'm gonna deck your halls, bub.

ELF: No!

Little buddy!

You're a naughty boy!

HOWARD: Who's gonna be next?

Dog pile!

It's the Grinch! Scatter!

Who are you? Huh?

Hey. Hey, buddy!

This is the sloppiest bust I've ever seen in my entire career.

Detective Lang, undercover.

I've been working on this case for the last 3 years...

...and you come barging in here like a bunch of terrorists at a tea party!

Wait till the commissioner finds out.

He's going to hit the roof!

Now get your act together and arrest someone!

-Go! -Yes, sir!

I'm not going back to the joint!

Put them in the van and lock them up!

[ENGINE SPUTTERS]

Come on.

Come on, not now!

["I'll BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS" PLAYING]

I'll be home for Christmas

You can plan on me

I'll be home for Christmas

You're so considerate, bringing all this holiday cheer.

Christmas comes but once a year.

You're an amazing man, Ted.

I wish every husband was more like you.

TED: Thanks. We should get together and swap recipes.

What's the reindeer's name?

I named him Ted, after my dad.

Your dad is so cool. I wish my dad did stuff like this.

He never used to. Not until he and my mom split up.

Really?

Maybe your parents should get a divorce. Did wonders for my dad.

Jamie?

Hot chocolate?

[PHONE RINGS]

-Hello? -How you doing, buddy?

Hi, Dad. I knew you'd call.

Let me talk to your mom.

-You can't. -Why not?

She's next door petting Ted.

She's what?

Are you on your way? The parade's gonna start soon.

Get your mother.

-Are you? -Am I what?

Coming home soon?

Yes, immediately. Now please get your mother.

Before you left, you promised that you'd be at the parade.

You haven't been here all day, so you can't miss it.

Jamie, please...

Because when someone makes a promise, they should keep it.

It's like what Turbo Man says:

"Always keep your promises if you want to keep your friends."

Enough! Enough of this Turbo Man, okay?

I've had it up to here.

If there's anyone I don't want advice from, it's Turbo Man!

Now, get your mother.

I'm sorry, Jamie. Look...

What would you know about keeping your promises? You never do!

You never do anything you say you're going to do!

Ever!

Damn you, Howard.

["MERRY CHRISTMAS, BABY" PLAYS OVER RADIO]

Here you go, my man. This'll warm you up.

Thanks.

MYRON: Cheers.

-You! -Peace.

'Tis the season to be jolly.

Right.

Any luck finding the doll?

-No. -Me neither.

Maybe this will help.

Gave me a diamond ring for Christmas

What the hell?

Now I'm living in paradise

So I couldn't find the kid a doll.

Does that make me a bad father?

No.

But yelling at him for no reason...

...that makes me a bad father.

We get one chance a year to prove we're not screwups and what happens?

We screw it up.

I remember a few years ago...

...I wanted to do something special for Jamie.

So...

...I built him his own clubhouse.

It came out great.

Well, I mean, the door was a little crooked, right?

And the roof wasn't straight, but you should've seen his face.

When he saw that, he was so excited.

We played in the clubhouse all day.

-He even made us have dinner in it. -No.

Oh, yeah.

I was the hero then.

Look at me now.

-He's gonna need serious therapy, man. -Don't say that.

Mm-hm. I know what I'm talking about.

See, I never forgave my father.

One Christmas I wanted a special toy:

Johnny-7 OMA gun.

-You remember those? -No.

I remember the commercial.

Two kids playing in the back yard. "Johnny to Peter, enemy sighted."

"Roger there. Open fire."

Then Johnny whips out his Johnny-7 OMA gun. Seven guns in one.

Thing looked like a blast.

But, of course, with my old man...

...Christmas was just another opportunity to let me down.

I never got the Johnny-7 OMA.

-Sorry to hear that. -Don't mean nothing.

Ever heard of Scott Sherman?

Yeah, CEO of Sherman Industries.

He was my old neighbor...

...and his dad got him a Johnny-7 OMA gun.

You know what happened?

He became a billionaire.

And me, well...

...I'm just a loser with no future.

Here's to you, Dad.

I can't let this happen.

It's just a doll.

It's just a stupid little plastic doll.

Ah, ah, ah. Action figure.

There's gotta be one somewhere!

DJ: You say you've been looking everywhere for a Turbo Man doll?

Yes.

You say you'd do just about anything to get one?

-Yes! -KQRS has good news for you.

If you're the first caller to identify Santa's reindeer...

...you'll get the hottest toy since Johnny-7 OMA.

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen.

555-KQRS.

MYRON: I don't think so, buddy.

My arm!

Come on.

Give me the phone. Give me the phone!

There you are.

Come on, answer it.

DJ: KQRS, hello.

-I got the answer! -No, you don't!

[MYRON LAUGHS]

-Why did you do that?! -9-1 -1! 9-1 -1!

I got through!

You guys, the radio station's just 2 blocks down on Wabasha.

I got the answer.

I got the answer.

Bye-bye! Sorry!

HOWARD: You barked up the wrong tree.

I can run like this for miles.

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen.

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen.

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen.

I'm having a good time! Bye!

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen.

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen...

DJ [OVER RADIO]: KQRS, you're on the air.

LISTENER: Randy, Jermaine, Tito...

DJ: No, not even close. Sorry.

Maybe this'll put us in the mood.

Let me in! I got the answer!

Open up! I got the answer! I got the answer! Open up!

["JINGLE BELL ROCK" PLAYING OVER RADIO]

I got a madman in my studio.

Help me!

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!

I couldn't get you on the phone. Did I win?

-I won! I won! -It's not that simple!

No! Wait, wait, wait!

Too late. I already got the right answer. I won.

I don't need the answer to win! I got this!

What's that?

This, Mr. Track Star, is a homemade explosive device!

A bomb?

Yes, in layman's terms, a bomb! So back up!

You built a bomb?

I didn't have to. Don't you read the news?

These things come through the mail every day! I kept one.

So give me the doll, or I'll blow everyone up!

Are you crazy? Put this thing away!

-It's not worth it! -To me it is! So back up!

-Back up! -Myron!

Come on, buddy.

Give me the package.

-Let's have it. -Did you call me buddy?

I'm not your buddy!

I tried to be your teammate! Your friend! But no, you had other plans.

I had no plans.

You are no different than the rest!

Those letter-writers who make fun of my knee socks in the summer!

[LAUGHS]

-Are you laughing at me? -No, Lord, no. Not at all.

Mr. Ponytail Man, I know you! I know your kind!

You put a trash can in front of the mailbox so I gotta get out of my jeep.

No! I recycle.

-Shut up! -Yeah, shut up!

Why's the window there? So I can just put the mail in!

But you act like everything's okay! Hey, Mr. Mailman!

Like I have no feelings of my own!

Hit the deck!

["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYS OVER MUSIC BOX]

Ohh. Ohh.

I'm sorry. I've been under pressure.

Don't hit me! I got sickle cell!

Are you under the impression I have a Turbo Man doll here in the studio?

-Yes. -That's what you said on the radio.

-Yes, you did. -No, no!

What I actually said was whoever won would get a doll...

...eventually.

You see, what we have here...

...is a gift certificate.

BOTH: A gift certificate? -Right.

A certificate for a doll when they get some in the stores.

[SIRENS WAILING]

-Did you call the cops? -Kind of.

-Let's get out of here. -But I'm first!

Better luck next time, loser!

OFFICER: Freeze! -Hey! Hey!

Just can't stay out of trouble, can you?

Don't hurt a fellow civil servant.

All this violence!

It's Christmas, and I was just delivering some...

Back up! This is a homemade explosive device. I'll blow it up!

I work for the post office, so you know I'm not stable!

Tell them!

This man is totally insane.

Thank you! Now put the guns down. Now!

Brother, put your gun down!

Everybody! You too, Barnaby Jones.

[GUN CLATTERS]

Just stay there.

I'll know if you move, because I have the ear of a snake!

Ciao, baby.

You shouldn't touch that.

Relax, Sparky...

...I was on the bomb squad for 10 years.

[SNIFFS]

I'm the man! I'm the man!

Gentlemen, we've been duped.

[POLICEMEN SIGH]

This is nothing but a harmless Christmas package.

[EXPLOSION]

That was really a bomb? This is a sick world we're living in!

[COUGHING]

How many years in the bomb squad?

[SINGING] Let every heart prepare him room

-And Heaven and nature sing -And Heaven and nature sing

And Heaven and nature sing

And Heaven and nature sing

Joy to the world The savior reigns

Thanks a lot.

That son of a...

What are you doing?

Your star wasn't up. It's Christmas Eve, it has to be up.

HOWARD: I'm out all day...

...and he's in my house...

...putting up my star...

...on my tree.

TED: I got a Turbo Man for Johnny months ago.

It's nestled safely under our tree.

Nestled safely under our tree. Safely under our tree...

I'll show him. Ha!

I'm sorry, Ted, but that's Howard's job.

He puts the star on. He's adamant about it.

Too bad he's not adamant about being with his family...

...on Christmas Eve.

[TRAIN WHISTLES]

TURBO MAN: It's Turbo Time!

[SINGS]

[CAROLERS SING]

Liz, do you hear that?

Carolers.

Let's go. Come on!

[SINGING] We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas And a Happy New Year

The back door.

Wherever you are

Good tidings for Christmas And a Happy New Year

Now bring us some figgy pudding Now bring us some figgy pudding

Now bring us some figgy pudding

What am I doing? Look at me.

Stealing from a kid.

I can't do this.

You're gonna go back.

[REINDEER GRUNTS]

Nice doggy.

Nice...

[SMOKE DETECTOR BUZZES]

No!

Now bring us some figgy pudding Now bring us some figgy pudding

[SCREAMING]

Balthazar!

-Howard? -Hi.

Uh-oh.

[COUGHS]

What are you doing?

-What's that? -Oh.

TURBO MAN: You can always count on me!

That is Johnny's Turbo Man.

-What? -It's not what you think.

LIZ: It isn't? Really?

Then tell me. You said you got Jamie a Turbo Man weeks ago.

It looks like you broke into Ted's house and stole presents!

If you give me a second, I could explain it.

I know parts of this are going to sound completely ridiculous...

...but let me tell you the truth.

I've been listening to your version of the truth for far too long.

All I want is to salvage what's left of Christmas Eve...

...and go to the parade with my son.

Liz, please...

-Ted, would you drive us? -Of course.

You can't bench press your way out of this one.

Oh, God.

You picked the wrong day.

[GROANS]

You started it.

JAMIE: Mom, do you think Dad's going to be at the parade?

I wouldn't count on it.

Turbo Man's gonna be there. You can always count on him.

Hey, Rudolph, can I buy you another round?

[BELCHES]

Here.

Sorry, buddy, but you're on your own.

It's time I start keeping my promises.

[BAND PLAYING "JINGLE BELLS"]

It's that time of year again.

The 12th Annual Holiday Wintertainment Parade.

I'm Gale Force, here with the lovely Liza Tisch of "AM Live."

Merry Christmas, Gale.

We're high atop Channel 29's Parade Central...

...to keep you updated on all of this year's parade action.

Let's watch...

And listen.

JAMIE: The parade's already started!

There's Owen and his dad.

Can we stand with them while you park the car?

BOTH: Please? Please? Please?

We'll meet you there.

-And don't go wandering off. JAMIE: Okay, mom.

-Jamie, put on your hat. -I know.

-Owen, Owen! MAN: All right kids, come on.

Oh, wow! Check it out!

You see Turbo Man?

No, they're saving him for last.

JOHNNY: This is awesome!

Cat in the Hat!

-Yeah. -Yeah!

HOWARD: Can't you take 4th Street?

Sorry, the roads are packed. Everyone's going to the parade.

Turbo Man's gonna be there.

I know.

I'm sorry you had to go through that back there.

Here, have some non-alcoholic eggnog.

I'll be fine.

You can't hide your feelings from me. Let it out.

Get it out of your system.

No, really, Ted, I'm okay.

I don't think so.

You're like a lost, frightened foal. I can see it in your eyes.

Don't worry.

Ted's here.

That's very sweet.

You deserve better, Lizzie.

"Lizzie"?

Someone you can talk to.

A shoulder to cry on.

It's useless, Liz. We can't hide our feelings any longer.

-Feelings? -I don't have to tell you...

...I'm a very eligible bachelor.

Lots of women would give anything to be in your position.

Well, I'm a lucky, lucky girl.

For me, it all started months ago...

...at your Labor Day barbecue, remember?

And you asked me how to marinate ahi tuna?

And I said, "All you need is Italian salad dressing."

Ahh! You!

Stop that man!

Enough talking.

Well...

That didn't go as well as I'd hoped.

TECHNICIAN: You!

-Who are you? Are you the guy? -Huh?

Thank God. We got him, people!

Listen. We're running late, so pay attention.

We sent you an instruction manual so you know the important controls.

I'll go over the changes. There are three cutoff valves to the nitro.

Here, here, here.

The reading on the pressure gauge should be below 50.

Not 70, like we told you earlier.

The emergency cutoff is here.

The primary controls are here.

There's a microphone inside the helmet to alter your voice properly.

Procedure-wise, it's the same as we talked about.

Stick to that, there'll be no problems. Questions?

Before you say anything, I speak for everyone...

...when I thank you for filling in.

It was a total freak accident, what happened at rehearsal.

We're confident we got all the kinks out.

You should know the doctor said Pete showed some brain activity today.

That's a really good sign.

Let's move it out, people!

Finally! Where the hell have you been?

I've been sweating like a dog in a Chinese restaurant...

...waiting for your sorry ass to show up!

Well, it's showtime!

HOWARD: I know you. You're Booster.

And who the hell do you think you are, Mary Poppins?!

Come on, come on, let's go!

HOWARD: Wait. Let's talk!

Have a great show!

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for!

Live and in person...

...Turbo Man!

Wow!

BOOSTER: Wave, you idiot!

-Wave! -Wave?

Yes.

This is cool.

Look, Mom, it's Turbo Man!

I could get into this.

In a few moments Turbo Man will pick a special child from the audience.

That child will be the winner of a special edition Turbo Man doll.

Oh, man! Awesome!

BOOSTER: You're supposed to be holding this.

Yes!

Yes!

BOOSTER: Hey, rock star!

Be on your toes. Dementor's gonna jump on the float soon.

What's he doing? Would you pick a kid already?

Pick a kid?

Pick a kid so he can come up here and get his prize!

KIDS: Me, me, me, me!

Pick me! Pick me!

Over here!

-He's looking at me. -No, me.

-He's pointing at me. -No, me.

JAMIE: Me! JOHNNY: Me!

BOTH: Me! Me!

[IN DISTORTED VOICE] Jamie.

He knows my name!

[MUFFLED GRUNTS]

I think Turbo Man has selected a winner.

Go ahead. Go, ahead, honey. Go.

Go, Jamie!

Merry Christmas, Jamie.

[CHEERING]

JAMIE: Wow.

How did you know my name?

Well, Jamie...

...you see...

...I'm your fa...

LIZA: Oh, no, kids! It's Turbo Man's archenemy...

...Dementor!

CROWD: Boo!

Shut up!

Was that in the script?

All right, give me the doll and nobody gets hurt!

Myron?

That's right, Turtle Man. Thought you could outsmart me?

Thought your suit idea was so slick!

But you know what?

I'm one step ahead of you because I have a bigger brain!

HOWARD: Just stay here.

Come on, Myron. You're taking this too far.

I'm not going home without that doll!

BOOSTER: Hey, this ain't the way we rehearsed it!

You know what? Nobody likes you, Booster.

KID 1: We don't like you!

KID 2: We hate you, Booster!

MYRON: Where are you going?

Come back, my little pretty, and your little doll too!

Hey, Myron! Leave him alone!

Ta-ta, Turtle Man!

Uh-oh, Liza! It looks like Dementor has beaten Turbo Man.

This could be the end of civilization as we know it.

Do something, Turbo Man! Use your Turbo Disks!

-My what? -On your arm!

Hey, Myron! I have a special delivery for you!

Yeah!

It appears that Turbo Man has saved the day.

I'll take you back to your mom.

DEMON TEAM: Go, Demon Team!

GALE: It's the Demon Team, Dementor's evil henchmen!

What'll you do now?

-What about my son? DEMON: Don't you know the choreography?

-Mom! -Jamie!

I ain't through with you!

Get out of my way!

Come here. I'm sorry I hollered! Get out of my way!

Get out of my way! Come here, boy!

Get this popcorn away!

You know what? You need a time-out.

Jamie!

Don't worry, it's part of the show. Stay on the sidewalk.

-That's my son. -Oh, he's wonderful.

He's not part of the show!

I'm scared of heights. You ever see the movie Vertigo?

DEMON: Let's get him!

MYRON: I want to talk to you!

All right, kid, end of the line! Give me the doll!

Never!

Fly, Turbo Man! Use your jet pack!

It's Turbo Time!

Wow!

[YELLS]

I think I'm getting the hang of this!

Turbo Man, help!

I got you!

Jamie.

Out of my way!

WOMAN: Let us pray.

GIRL: What the...?

MYRON: I got you, kid!

[YELLS]

Give me the doll.

Turbo Man! Use your Turbo-rang!

Come on!

Missed me!

Victory is mine!

V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!

[YELLS]

Yeah!

-Wow! -I got it! I got one!

I finally got one!

Turbo Man! Help!

Jamie!

Got you!

Thanks, Turbo Man. I knew you'd save me.

You can always count on me.

Awesome!

Here you go, ma'am.

Did you see that? I was flying with Turbo Man!

He saved me from Dementor. It was the coolest! Did you see?

I saw. I saw.

Thank you. You don't know how much he means to me.

Oh, I think I have an idea.

What's the matter?

It's just... I wish Dad could've been here, you know?

To see me fly and all.

But he didn't come.

And it's all my fault.

He's mad at me.

We had a fight on the phone and I kind of yelled at him.

Your dad is not mad at you.

He loves you more than anything in the world.

You're his all-time favorite person!

How do you know that?

Well, who would know better than...

[IN NORMAL VOICE] ...me?

-Dad? -Howard?

Right here.

-Howard. -Liz...

You two mean more to me than anything.

I'm sorry I haven't shown that lately.

I know I've been neglecting both of you.

But no more.

I love you. I love you both!

What's going on here?

Jamie's dad is Turbo Man!

Let's get out of here!

You smell like barf!

Young man, I have something that belongs to you.

-Thanks! HUMMEL: You're welcome.

As for you, we could use a man like you on the force.

Thanks. I'll keep that in mind.

I'm sorry about the bike.

And the coffee.

And the bus.

And the bomb.

[MOUTHS] Bomb?

I had it right here in my hands.

What do I tell my son on Christmas morning?

How will I look him in the eye?

Wait!

Did you see? I had it! I was so close.

Merry Christmas.

Wow!

-But... -Thank you. Thank you!

This'll make my son really happy.

I'm sorry about that tension on the roof.

It's cool.

But, Jamie, I thought you wanted this doll more than anything.

What do I need the doll for? I got the real Turbo Man at home.

CROWD [CHANTS]: Turbo Man!

That's my husband.

CROWD: Turbo Man!

That's my dad! That's my dad!

["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING]

Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride In a '57 Chevrolet

Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one horse open sleigh

Dashing through the snow

In a one horse open sleigh Over the fields we go

Laughing all the way

Bells on bob tails ring Making spirits bright

What fun it is to ride and sing A sleighing song tonight

Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride In a '57 Chevrolet

Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one horse open sleigh

Hey!

Dashing through the snow In a one horse open sleigh

Over the fields we go Laughing, laughing, laughing

Bells on bob tails ring Making those spirits bright

What fun it is to ride and sing A sleighing song tonight

Jingle bells, jingle, jingle Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride In a '57 Chevrolet

Jingle bells, jingle, jingle Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one horse

Open sleigh

["SO THEY SAY IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME AGAIN" PLAYING]

So they say it's Christmas time again

The calendar says December But it's wrong

'Cause Christmas is the time

When lovers pray divine

And people are meeting And two hearts are beating

So they say it's Christmas time, I know

But I'll just keep pretending until they go

'Cause if they say it's Christmas

I'll think you're here with me

If they say it's Christmas time again

I wonder when your Christmas card will come

I'll bet it's that same old winter one

Where people are happy

And full of that joy

The spirit of giving and loving and living

So you know when Christmas rolls around

I just can't help but feeling kind of down

'Cause you're my Christmas time

You're who I'm thinking of

When they say it's Christmas time my love

Christmas time, my love

It's Christmas time

So you know when Christmas rolls around

I just can't help but feeling kind of down

Cause you're my Christmas time

The one I'm thinking of

When they say it's Christmas time my love

It's Christmas time

My love

It's Christmas time my love

It's Christmas time

Christmas time my love

Christmas time

My love

Look at that. There it is!

Beautiful.

Perfecto!

Howard? I've been thinking.

Everything you went through today shows how much you love Jamie.

And if you're willing to go through all of that just for a present...

...that makes me wonder...

What?

What did you get me?