Original subtitles

Oh, God.

Are we doing something wrong?

We're getting, like, solid 4 to 6 hour blocks.

Now what? I don't get it.

What about that YouTube lady that you've been watching?

What about her? What's she good to say about it?

- Shh. - No, I'm asking.

I'm asking what the baby whisperer says.

She got any advice?

I'm shushing Jay, okay, not you.

- The shush felt pointed. - Oh, God.

What if they've outgrown the cup and pusch?

We can't throw the cup and pusch. That's all we got.

We literally have nothing else.

No, no, there's gonna be something else.

It's gonna be like the scoop and swoop or the pop and lock.

It just has to be something to, like, emulate their experience

of being in the womb with us, you know, walking around.

That doesn't make any sense,

they don't remember that. They had brains the size of walnuts.

Just try the cup and push.

No, no, it's a push. You're petting. You need to push.

You need to push. That's a pat.

That's a pat. You need to push.

- You need to push. Push it. - I am pushing.

You're not pushing.

It shows that you've not watched the YouTube clip that I sent you.

Because if you had, you would know that there's a wrist rotation

to rotate your head, to rotate the wrist.

Hey, team.

Can we, can we help out?

Oh, guys, we're so sorry.

Nah, all good.

It's not even that bad.

It is for me.

Okay? We've got to figure something out.

Uh, that is where you buy your first bus pass when you're old enough.

Ah, they cut that down.

- That's a shame. - Babe.

This is so boring.

It's actually working.

They're nodding off, so keep going.

Okay.

Um.

Wow. This stretch of road is very smooth.

It's giving asphalt, not bitumen, which I always find

a little a little bumpier under wheel.

Moon's a beaut.

Is she waxing?

Is she waning?

I can never tell.

Oh, no. Oh, no!

The change is happening.

My nails, the hair is growing up my forearms.

She's a werewolf.

♪ She's a werewolf

♪ Battling through the night, looking for a fight

♪ She's queer... ♪

Don't blame you. I'm boring myself.

God, it's such a mess in here.

- Have you seen my other shoe? - Uh, what shoe?

My slightly more casual, formal, casual sneaker.

You know the one.

I'm sorry, I don't know, okay.

Nat, Nat, Nat, Nat! I need that for work.

- I need that for work. - Hey. It's okay.

In times like this, who do you trust, the registered builder

or the certified lesbian, am I right?

I'll just get it one more time.

I think that's good.

Johnny, can you check your room?

- Sorry? - For my shoe.

Why is nobody helping me with this? Come on.

It's impossible to live this way.

My stuff strewn between two rooms.

It's like I'm some sort of child of divorce.

It's like, oh, no...

Oh!

We can't hear Lily. That's working.

Now we can.

- Now we can't. - Nice.

Yeah, I think that's gonna work.

It's not working.

It's okay.

They'll settle.

When?

I thought they got this crying thing under control.

Why is it back?

I don't know. I don't know.

Maybe it's like a growth spurt.

Oh, yeah. Growing all right.

Growing into, like, death metal singers, by the sounds of it.

They are trying everything they can.

Yeah, well, maybe they should try moving out.

I think that's pretty tough, what they're going through.

When did you become such a Nat and Steph apologist?

It's tough for all of us.

Look at us.

We all share this house and we all need sleep.

Just...

Just think they should go back in the car.

No, no. Come on.

Look, no, it's only... 2:45.

2:45?

Johnny, I'm losing my mind, okay?

And this padded cell thing here is not helping at all.

Stop, stop, stop.

Stay in the cell.

Lily, Lily, Lily.

Yeah, I think this works. We just...

We just live in the car at night and then house in the day,

and then car in the night, house in the day, car in the night.

House the day until we, uh, die.

Yeah.

Sounds amazing.

Oh, oh, no.

- Hey, hey, hey. - Oh, shit.

You love the car, remember?

What about immunity to the car?

- Shh, shh, shh. - God, no, please, please.

- Please, please. - Hey, look at your brother.

He's sleeping.

- Don't you want to be like him? - Ah!

All right, all right.

Let's not compare them to each other, shall we?

We don't want Liam and Noel Gallagher situation on our hands.

I'm not comparing.

I am modelling the behaviour that we want to see.

And look, look.

Oscar's asleep. He's so happy.

He's so peaceful. He's so calm.

Don't you want to be like...

- Oh, no. - Oh, no.

Jake!

Are you awake, and Oscar?

- Shh. - He was fine before.

They're synching up like bloody Bluetooth speakers.

Steph, we have to try something else.

This isn't working. It just...

It is not working.

We need to do sleep training or something.

We're not doing sleep training.

Well, we gotta do something other than just blaming Jay.

I'm not blaming Jake.

Well, we cannot drive around in one car with two screaming babies.

Night owls and the night prowler.

Uh, I spy with my little eye something beginning with R.

Over and out.

I'm sorry. I honestly cannot hear a word you're saying.

Night Owl,

please use my truck driver name.

I just feel a bit uncomfortable calling you the Midnight Prowler.

Night Owl. 'Cause I'm a night prowler.

Stay focussed.

I spy with my little eye, something beginning with...

Babe, babe, I think I have a sleeping baby.

Is this one down, one to go?

- Um, do you mind if I maybe, like, - Oh, no, yeah, yeah.

You should go home for sure.

- Yeah? - One of us should get some sleep.

Okay. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Yeah, 100%.

I'll see you later.

Over and out.

Do the sound...

♪ She's a queer wolf

♪ Driving through the night

♪ She's looking for a fight

♪ She's fighting for queer rights

♪ She's a queer wolf... ♪

Come on.

Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Shit.

Oh.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

That was me.

Jesus. What happened to you?

- Huh? - You all right?

Huh? Me?

Yeah! I'm good.

Good, good, good.

Is that a bigger wing mirror than normal?

'Cause my spatial awareness is normally...

Is that car black?

- Mhm. - Oh, babe.

Okay. I'm gonna go sleep.

Yeah.

Oh, yes.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

What the fuck?

Shh.

Sorry.

We've got to be quiet because Nat is sleeping.

Where are my little grandsons?

Dad!

Oops.

- Sorry. -Shut up.

I just didn't know it was possible to be this tired.

Like yesterday, I fell asleep with a piece of toast in my mouth

because I was too tired to swallow it.

Ah, yeah, the classic four month sleep regression.

I was kind of hoping that maybe we'd just skip it, you know,

because some babies do.

Well, that maybe we'd even have a progression.

But that hasn't happened. Has it, sweet pea?

Well, you just wait.

Next would be the six months and then the eight months.

And then, of course, you hit my age and you hit another whole

sleep regression pattern.

Ah!

God damn it.

I forgot I had a key.

Didn't wake you, did I?

No.

Where are the boys?

One's in here.

You look terrible.

I just feel like they're trying to suck the life force out of us

so that they can overpower us. You know?

And those two, they've got a strong bond. Once they hit the gym,

we're done for.

It might be time to start sleep training them.

Well, I have done a bit of reading.

Actually, a lot of reading about sleep training, and

it's just not for me.

I'm into it, but Steph's not.

And you know what she's like when she's adamant about something.

She's just like...

Well, we did it with you.

God, it was like SAS torture training.

Well, that's kind of my point actually.

Best to start when they're younger too, Nat.

I left it too late with you.

I nearly had to bolt your door shut when you were a toddler.

The neighbours thought we were performing exorcism on you.

How does it work?

Oh, there's a bunch of different methods.

Your mother tried.

A thing called the extinction method.

So she'd swaddle you,

then she'd pop you in your room, and then she'd go outside and turn

Phil Collins up really loudly.

Why didn't you do something like try and stop her?

Mothers know best and all that.

Plus, have you seen your mother sleep deprived?

I do need sleep.

Good parenting starts with being good to yourself.

Look, it's only a week, but it is a week where you would

rather tie bricks to your shoes and walk straight into the ocean.

Because that way you can at least get some peace and quiet.

Okay, this literally sounds like the worst thing I've ever heard

in my entire life.

Like, why would anyone do it?

Does make sense.

You know, and if we start them early, then they learn,

and then we're done.

Well, that's it then.

That's it.

That's the plan.

Yeah, seven days. That's it, that's it.

Yeah, and seven days is seven days too long.

It's been no days because we're not doing it.

It's a week. It's a week. And then they'll be sorted.

Absolutely not, Nat. Absolutely not.

Okay, well, I get a say in this too.

No you don't.

- I knew it. - That's not what I mean.

See, you guys heard that? You heard that?

I've honestly just zoned out.

- You know what I mean. - We have to do something, okay?

For us, for the babies, for the house, for everyone.

It's just sleep training, that's all.

Okay, exactly.

They are too young to be taught how to sleep.

Doctor Dorothy Gladstone says they have to be at least six months

minimum for them even to be able to absorb what you're trying

to teach them otherwise it's just pointless torture.

So if they are crying it out, how would you actually know

if something's wrong?

Yeah, exactly. Exactly, Johnny.

That's actually totally my point.

And as a mother, every fibre, every instinct in my body is screaming

at me that this is the wrong thing to do.

Okay, well, as a mother, every instinct, every fibre

of my being is saying sleep equals happy.

Happy babies equal happy everything.

No, you're wrong. You're just wrong about it.

She's right, Steph, something's got to give.

Lily, this doesn't actually concern you.

- Okay? - Okay.

It does, actually.

- Yeah, sweet as. What would I know? - Babe.

I'm sorry, but I can't do this.

Like, morally, I can't.

Well, that's not what you agreed to, Steph.

I honestly just don't think I can do this.

It's so awful just listening to them.

I get it, I get it, I get it, okay?

But I can do this.

I've got tonight.

You've got to let me step up, all right?

You just gotta sit here and disassociate.

Okay, so here's the plan.

I go in every two minutes, then every three minutes, then every

five minutes. I can shush them,

but no cuddling, no cuddling whatsoever.

What am I supposed to do while you're doing that?

You knock yourself out, okay?

Oh.

Mama's got this.

You look cool.

You look like when Jacinda Ardern DJed at that...

at Real Groovy.

Coming!

- Hi. - Hey.

You want to come stay at mine tonight?

Um, I think I'm just gonna stay in here.

Just hunker down.

Is it, uh, is it a sleep thing or a Steph thing or a me thing?

No.

It's just...

Maybe a bit of everything kind of thing.

Lily, I'm sorry if...

No, Johnny, please don't apologise, okay?

As soon as you say sorry, it becomes a thing.

And it's like... It's not a thing.

It's just...

I just want to be by myself for a bit, that's all.

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

Good night.

Night.

Are you ready?

Press play. Here we go.

Press it.

Oh. That's good.

Oh, that's nice.

I still got it.

Eyes on the footwork.

Look at the footwork.

It's really good. It's...

It's amazing.

Give you some arms.

Is that good? Some arms?

I might just quickly go to the bathroom.

I'll be back.

Oh, shit.

No, babe. You didn't even give it a chance.

I can't, I can't do it.

And I just honestly feel like this is, like, separate

from the contract we made.

Like, surely human rights, baby rights have got to be separate...

What about my rights as their mother as well?

Well, you're just, like, completely undermining.

I have a plan, and you need to trust it.

I know, but surely it's got to be bottom lines.

Like, literally everything in my body is screaming, no, no, no,

Don't do this. This is awful.

Surely you can just let that scream a little longer than five minutes.

You want to let my body scream?

See? Okay, so this is interesting.

You're clearly fine with screaming.

You're fine with my body screaming.

With the boys screaming.

And I'm not okay with anyone's screaming.

Okay, look, they are not going to remember any of this shit.

It's not about them not remembering.

This is the thing. This is the error of people's ways.

Thanks for...

This.

I'm sorry for dragging you out.

You and Lily probably wanted to make the most of the empty rooms.

Uh, I reckon we've outgrown our honeymoon phase anyway.

Yeah, I'm not surprised.

Me and my family are cock blocking you to the maximus.

And it is not cool, bruh.

Um, I think there's a way to, you know.

I don't know, put the the house on the car and you're just like,

you know, drive it around.

Around the house, on the car and just...

Keep your eyes closed, okay?

Yeah, but I was just sleep, sleep, sweet, sweet sleeping.

And now I'm not.

And where are we?

Okay.

- Ready? - Ready.

Ta da!

Oh, have we got mould again?

- Oh, no. Do we? - No, um.

Where's Steph and Nat?

They're out with the boys.

Look, everyone's miserable at the moment, but I think I know

how to fix it.

Lily, will you...

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What...

- What are you doing? Is this a... - What?

Why, why is there a shoe rack?

- Are you... - Oh, shit, shit. no, no, I'm not.

I'm not proposing.

I'm not proposing, I just... I'm sorry.

Phew. Oh, man.

Um... I just thought maybe it would be good in our room.

Maybe if you wanted to move into the big room with me.

What, you and me sharing a room?

Uh, look, I, I know it's a big step.

It's a big step.

But you could have all your shoes in here, and all my shoes

could still stay outside.

But Nat and Steph, they could take our rooms, and I've already spoken

to them about it. They're all good.

They're keen, but that way Nat and Steph, they get their own room.

The boys get their own room.

Everyone wins.

- Yeah. Yes. - Okay?

- Let's do it. - Okay.

Ah! Okay.

- Yeah. - Sweet.

Ooh.

Yeah, I do. I do.

- Okay. - No, I don't like that.

♪ Well, I guess it's different to how I first planned

♪ 'Cause no-one did tell me the ending

♪ Pretty timelines used to work in my mind

♪ The sky is falling

♪ A lack of direction

♪ I can't tell

♪ Are we there yet?

♪ I can't tell

♪ Are we there yet? ♪