Original subtitles

What are you doing?

I'm going undercover as a decorator, Paul.

I've been trailing this target for a month.

- Haven't you noticed I've been missing? - No.

Well I'm going in. Now is what we boys in benefit fraud call "zero hour."

You having a party?

No, going straight to my mate's after work for the football.

You know it's an early kick off?

Careful, you almost got my beard.

- You going to the match janette? - No, love.

She can't go, she's banned.

We're gonna watch it in the swan.

Guys concentrate.

I need to blend in long enough so I can get some hard evidence on camera.

- Oi! - You can spare one can't you?

It's ten to nine.

It's five o'clock somewhere.

Turn around! Get his bum, janette.

Good morning, everyone.

Okay, um, you may have noticed I'm a bit stressed at the moment,

our monthly report's due, and once again,

we're, we're a little shy of where our spotlights suggest we should be.

Do you mean you're not meeting your targets?

They're not targets, they're spotlights.

They're just there to show us where we should be aiming.

Like targets.

Okay, so I've taken a few steps to give us a helping hand,

nothing too drastic, but I've called in the army.

Everyone, I'd like you to give a big brownall job centre welcome...

To sergeant Steve fox.

Little clap.

Morning, everyone.

Attention!

Steve, do you want to, um, say something inspiring to my "troops"?

Uh, yeah. I'd, I'd like to thank you all very much for having me in.

And, uh, hopefully I can encourage some of your jobseekers to actually sign up.

Oh, take as many as you like. We don't want them!

But seriously, you know, we, we're delighted that you're here.

And Karl's around to help for as long as you need.

Oh, actually...

Trish, I've got loads to do and I need to be away by five.

Well, you'll, you'll have to work "on the double" then, won't you?

Sorry about that, Steve.

And when you're in the desert, do you ever get time off to sunbathe?

No, we're too busy building sand castles.

Do you mind if I just...

Oh, janette, feel that, it's rock hard.

Hey, Paul, feel this. I can barely get my hands round it.

Yeah, because you've got small hands.

Yeah, help me with this.

Oh, no love, not with my bladder.

Can I help? You don't want to tweak the old back.

No, it's all right mate, I can manage.

Really, it's no problem. There we go.

My back's not old.

I didn't need bloody action man to come and help.

No...

Look at them in their uniforms, don't they look lovely?

So, I've had four interviews, all unsuccessful.

I think they're put off by the grey hair.

Have you thought about joining the army?

Uh, not really, no.

I've been an estate agent for 20 years.

- It says here you've worked in a pub. - Yes. In 1983.

Could you go back there and see if your old position is still available?

I doubt it. It's a Chinese restaurant now.

Well, have they got a bar?

I don't really want to work in a bar, I'm an estate agent.

You need to improve your prospects of finding employment.

I'm going to increase the distance you're willing to travel...

And lower your expected salary.

Here we are.

- A pub. - It's in your skill set.

It's in sunderland. That's a three hour drive.

You're not showing a willingness to work.

- Yeah, but... - Here's the list of vacancies.

Use the phones over there. You need to get yourself a job.

Or move to sunderland.

As it turned out,

they didn't sell water or stones, just books.

Karl, are you encouraging customers toward Steve's army stand?

Yes.

Well, it's not working. Go and help him,

get people interested, hand out some leaflets.

Oh, have, uh, you ever thought of joining the army?

It's funny you should say that...

It was terrible like, we were in the jungle

and there was lots of men with muscles who were all effing and jeffing,

and then everyone started getting killed by this alien with dreads.

Oh, dear.

But then...

I thought to myself, "hang on a minute Graham,

you've never been to south America."

And that's when I realised it wasn't a flashback, it was a film.

Bye.

Hi.

Oh. Whoops!

Butter fingers.

You wanna show that Steve your sample book.

He might want you to carpet his barracks.

Nah, you're all right.

Is this because you needed his help with the desk?

- I didn't need his help. - Cobblers, you were struggling.

That vein on your forehead popped out.

That's a laughter line.

What's the matter with you?

I got back last night and my missus had bought me two sets of pyjamas.

- So? - I don't wear pyjamas, janette,

I sleep in my... birthday suit, always have, even in the caravan.

I mean, what's she trying to say? She'll be buying me a zimmer frame next.

I might be in a bit of trouble. I've just been rumbled gathering evidence.

Painting is a lot harder than it looks.

Give me the camera.

What camera? I don't know what you're talking about.

The camera in your hand.

What's all this about?

It's all right, janette, I've got this.

- What's all this about? - I busted him,

- he's working and signing on. - No I ain't.

What's this then? Fancy dress?

Give me that camera, or I'm chucking this everywhere.

Uh, maybe I should call the police.

And let them take my collar? No chance.

You get one drop of that on this carpet and your feet won't touch the ground.

Please, janette, I got this.

Come on, fella, you've had your fun, time to go home.

What are you going to do about it then, grandad?

- Grandad? - I think I'm gonna call the police.

Nobody's calling the police over this strip of wind.

- Yeah, we can take him. - Well, come on then.

Leave it, Paul. It's not worth it. It's gloss.

I'll take that. Shall I, sir?

Now, I suggest that you go home and you calm yourself.

Fine! I was leaving anyway.

That's my entire operation blown. Nice one.

I was in perfect control of that situation.

He's trying to make me look like a prize prat.

Yeah.

Can you teach me how to do that?

Yes, I've used a broom before, yeah.

Not professionally no, but I'd imagine the principles are pretty much the same.

All right, bye.

Come on, keep going, we want you into work and out of here, don't we?

I'm doing my best.

Here we are. I'll call the next one for you.

Uh...

Hmm. Catalogue distribution, fingers crossed! Hmm? Super.

Morning.

Eyes right!

- Oh, hello. - Hi.

- Sorry, I was miles away. - Oh no! Come back!

I've got to say, I think what you guys are doing here, is really great.

- Oh, thank you. - Steve.

I've got a great connection with our customers.

Yeah, well you're certainly turning people's lives around.

Yes, I find managing a place that turns people's lives around,

- very rewarding. - Yeah.

Of course, I do a lot of work for charity.

I'm swimming the channel.

- You're swimming the channel? - Yes, I am, yes.

Angela, that's unbelievable.

Well it's all for a good cause. It's cats protection league.

Well, it's fantastic. So, when are you going to do that then?

I've already started. I'm doing it at my local baths.

Oh, so you're not swimming the channel?

Well, yes I am, Trish, I'm doing the equivalent distance.

And they've got a wave machine.

Well, that's a very good idea. So, how many lengths have you got to do?

I'm doing it in widths, so I can put my feet down.

It's over 2000.

I sat in a bath of beans for cerebral palsy.

They got everywhere, I was picking them out for days.

Hiya, can I nip out and get some breast pads?

I forgot to get them at lunch and these are starting to smell.

Um, yes, if you have to.

That Steve's quite fit, isn't he? Why don't you go and chat him up.

Danielle! I'm your manager. It's not appropriate for us

- to discuss personal issues. - I knew you fancied him!

Lord of the dance, Danielle, he's the most beautiful man I've ever seen.

I reckon you're well in.

And his voice...

I saw you two talking, he was puffing his chest out like a Randy pigeon.

- That means he's interested. - Does it?

Trust me, it's obvious,

he may as well have clubbed you and dragged you back to his cave.

Oh, god.

I mean, he would be the first man since Chris that I've, um...

Did you know I was separated from my husband?

Um, yeah, I had heard something.

This all feels so new again. What do you do? How do you... pull?

I do a load of shots and jump on them.

Right.

Just... ask him out for a drink.

Oh, I don't know.

And I'm having a really bad hair day. This bit of fringe just won't behave.

I tell you what, nip to the toilet,

wet your hair a bit then blow dry it straight under the hand dryer.

- Will that work? - Yeah.

Oh. Okay, why the devil not.

Right.

So I just picked up the grenade,

threw it right back,

then we all got helicoptered out just as the boat was sinking.

- And then what? - Well, it was late, so...

I had to turn it off and go to bed.

You've never played call of duty?

No, never. No.

It's really good. I've just been made a lieutenant.

I should be saluting you then, shouldn't I?

You know, it's only a game.

- Although it is quite realistic. - Yeah, well it sounds it.

Out of interest...

Have you ever called in an air strike?

Yes, once.

Right, cool.

So when, so when the jets come over, was it like...

And then...

Well, no. Actually, no, it's more...

It's more like a, kind of...

And then what happened?

Well, there was lots of smoke and glass.

Yeah.

Then a man emerged from the burning building.

- Really? - Yes. Of course I shouted at him.

I said, "run, quick, the building's collapsing." But I...

I only knew basic Arabic.

- Oh, no! - Turns out I was hailing a taxi.

Oh, my god. So what did he do?

He died, Karl.

He died.

- You watching the football tonight? - I wish! I haven't got sky. You?

Yeah, yeah, I'm going to my mate Lee's, he's got a massive telly.

There's a few of us going. You could come round if you like?

- No, I don't want to put you out. - No, no you wouldn't be. Please?

All right, thank you, yeah, I will.

Cool.

Then after we can all play call of duty with the lights off.

Or not.

No, I understand, you know. Thanks for your time. Bye.

Here's a tip for you. Pretend to be someone else.

- Really? - Yeah.

I got an interview in a posh restaurant last week

by telling them I was ainsley harriott.

- Did that work? - No.

When I got there, they realised I wasn't ainsley harriott

and some people did find my outfit a little bit racist.

Thanks, my love.

- Do you need this moving? - Oh, yes, please, you are good.

Here you are. I got that, pal.

I do all the deliveries.

Honestly, I'm happy to help. There's a lot here.

You do not mow another man's lawn.

- I'm sorry? - You doing the stationery?

- I bet you could lift loads of these. - Yeah, I don't need his help.

He's been helping all day and I don't appreciate it.

- There's no need to be like that. - I didn't mean to offend anyone.

- I thought you had loads of work to do. - Done it.

Here, George, put another box on here.

Are you sure? They're pretty heavy.

Oh, I see. Just the one?

- No, I'll take two. - Come on, lads, don't be like this.

And you thought the army was tough. You wanna try being a security guard, pal.

Oh, you, you have 14 weeks of basic training, do you?

Didn't need it, three intense days at walsall college, I was good to go.

To stand on the door outside mothercare. Steve went to war.

Yeah, with all his mates to back him up. I

have to work alone. Apart from janette.

Put another box on here, Karl.

George.

Trish? Are you okay? You've been in there ages.

No, I'm not good. Can you, can you come in?

Oh, my days, what's happened?

I think I got a bit too close.

Here, let me pull...

No! Don't...

Every time I move, I set it off. It really is quite painful.

Sorry, just stay completely still.

- I'm gonna have to cut you out. - No, Danielle!

Not my hair. I've lost so much already.

Danielle, just go, there's nothing you can do.

Steve and I are obviously just not meant to be.

Oh, don't say that. Let me go and get some help.

Oh, god no, please.

No one can know I'm in here. My staff respect me,

they can't see me tethered to a hand dryer like a naughty horse.

- Go, go, go. - Left a bit.

Left a bit. Not that left. The other left.

- How much further? - Twelve clicks.

That's about seven miles, Karl.

- I mean metres. What's army for metres? - It's metres.

- Karl? - Hmm?

- Have you got a minute? - Move, Paul, move!

Watch it!

For crying out loud, Danielle!

- Oh, yeah! - What?

Uh... no. No good, I can't get the cover off this fuse box.

Karl, that's a vent.

Come on.

Balls.

Ooh! Oh, I think I'm getting cramp. Would you rub my calf for me?

Uh, can't you just stretch or something.

I daren't move Karl, please, it's seizing up. Quickly.

A bit harder than that, please, Karl.

That's it.

You know, Karl, this is actually quite exciting when you think about it:

A handsome soldier, hiding out, the promise of romance.

I feel like a saucy Anne Frank.

He's no younger than me.

You don't get that kind of upper body strength naturally,

- he's chemically enhanced. - He's got to be,

- he's barely touched his lunch. - Whereas this...

All free-range, organic.

Oi, what are you pair up to?

- Nothing. - That's Steve's bag that is.

You can't just go rooting through his stuff.

We just wanna see what makes him tick.

- We're looking for steroids. - And have you found any?

No, but he ain't right. Look at this.

Monkey nuts and a yoghurt. Who has monkey nuts for lunch?

I like monkey nuts.

What, instead of a sandwich? And what about this?

What the flaming hell's that?

It's a spork, you soft sod, for his lunch.

- A spork? - Yes, half spoon half fork, a spork.

- They sell them on the market. - Why does he want a spork

- if he's only got monkey nuts? - Yeah.

It's none of your business, George. Put it back.

- He's bloody weird if you ask me. - Paul, look at yourself!

You've had your arse in your hand all day,

and spare all that nonsense about pyjamas.

We both know it's because a handsome chap in a uniform comes in

and now you're not cock of the walk.

Pathetic!

Has anyone ever told you, you're beautiful when you're angry?

- No, you don't. - Dance with me janette.

Get away with you!

...You silly sausage.

...Behave.

- Is this yours? - Yeah, uh, thank you.

I thought so, your scent. What are you doing later?

Well, I was going to watch the big game with Karl.

You?

I know a very discreet little wetherspoons.

Oh, sounds very nice.

Why don't you come? Karl will understand.

It's steak club tonight.

Yeah, you know I think I really should be... going.

Good idea, I can leave early.

Between you and me, I pretty much run this place.

- Cheeky cow! - Come on, Steve.

You've seen what I can do with a breadstick.

- Yeah... - Let's go, shall we?

- Right. - Karl!

Uh, Steve's got plans with me tonight, Angela,

all right, so just back off.

Hiya.

Hi.

Hi.

That would be great.

Yes, I'm more than happy to work a trial period.

Yes, yes. Well, I'll see you then. Bye.

I've got a job.

What do you want, a medal?

Oh, thanks again. I really do feel like such a fool.

Don't be silly, it could happen to anyone.

I've always wanted to be rescued by a man in uniform.

And there we are.

You, madam...

Are free to go.

Oh, dear, look at me, honestly, what a state.

So, um, you've got plans with Karl tonight then.

I did, but I might actually give it a miss.

Today's been...

Quite intense.

Oh, what the heck. Um, Steve, if you're, if you're free tonight,

I'm free tonight,

would you perhaps like to join me for a drink or drinks with me, tonight?

Are you ready?

Actually... no, Angela. I'm going to go for a drink with Trish tonight.

Your loss.

- Well, after you. - All right. Okay.

Doing anything nice tonight, Angela?

No.

Oh, you're joking.

What's up?

First Steve and now my mate Lee's bailed on me as well.

He's got to see his girlfriend.

Love makes fools of us all Karl.

You've been stood up twice in one day, is that a record for you?

Come to the swan and watch the match with us then.

Ah!

All right. Well, bye everyone.

Bye. See you..

- See you. - See you later.

If I'd have known I was going out tonight, I'd have shaved my knees.

- I told you he likes you. - Nice meeting you.

Do you need a rubber Johnny?

- Shall we? - Hang on.

Let him go!

- After you. - Oh, thank you.

Put him on his arse!

- That's never been a tackle! - No.

You big flapping waste of skin!

Your round.

I think it is, karlos.

- Have you got any crisps? - Uh, no. I'll get some.

- Not beef. - Scampi fries. Hurt him!

- Get us some scratchings as well, Karl. - All right, it's not a buffet.

Anything else?

Can I have a massive wine?

- What you doing here? Where's Steve? - He left, quickly.

I think I may have got a bit carried away.

I asked him to come on a city break with me.

Jesus wept! It's like watching Bambi on ice.

Yeah, well he doesn't know what he's missing.

Oh. It's fine, Danielle, there are more important things than men.

You know, we are turning people's lives around every day.

- These dead? - Yes.