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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,479 --> 00:00:04,004 [upbeat music] 2 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:14,492 --> 00:00:16,886 [horn blows] 5 00:00:41,911 --> 00:00:46,916 - Oh, man. 6 00:00:52,008 --> 00:00:54,184 [cow moos] 7 00:00:55,577 --> 00:00:56,404 Whew. 8 00:01:01,539 --> 00:01:04,064 [Bill groans] 9 00:01:09,765 --> 00:01:11,245 - Oh, good granny. 10 00:01:12,246 --> 00:01:13,943 Good granny. 11 00:01:13,986 --> 00:01:15,988 What is wrong with you? 12 00:01:16,032 --> 00:01:17,077 You know the rule. 13 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:18,904 Stand up in the bathroom, 14 00:01:18,948 --> 00:01:21,124 sit down at the truck stop and the hotel. 15 00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:23,213 That's not funny. 16 00:01:23,257 --> 00:01:25,389 - Hey, you ordered the Frito chili pie. 17 00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:27,957 [Jeff groans] 18 00:01:29,132 --> 00:01:29,959 - Gah. 19 00:01:30,829 --> 00:01:31,700 [Bill laughs] 20 00:01:31,743 --> 00:01:33,136 - Hey, don't look at me. 21 00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:34,572 - [Ron] What's funny about it? 22 00:01:34,616 --> 00:01:36,052 What do you think is funny about it? 23 00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,097 - It's not funny. 24 00:01:37,140 --> 00:01:38,924 It's nasty. - Sick. 25 00:01:38,968 --> 00:01:40,491 - Shh, shh, shh, shh. 26 00:01:40,535 --> 00:01:41,971 - Mornin' fellas. 27 00:01:43,451 --> 00:01:44,713 - Oh my god. 28 00:01:44,756 --> 00:01:46,845 [men laugh] 29 00:01:46,889 --> 00:01:49,196 - [Ron] He went to work on his shoes. 30 00:01:49,239 --> 00:01:51,502 - [Jeff] I don't believe he can stay in there. 31 00:01:54,636 --> 00:01:55,811 - Hey, I'm gettin' hungry. 32 00:01:55,854 --> 00:01:57,726 Y'all got any of that Frito pie? 33 00:01:57,769 --> 00:02:00,555 [Bill laughs] 34 00:02:00,598 --> 00:02:01,860 - [Jeff] Hal, find me an airport. 35 00:02:01,904 --> 00:02:04,646 I can't do this four more months. 36 00:02:06,735 --> 00:02:08,128 - All right, here's the deal. 37 00:02:09,651 --> 00:02:12,088 I at least want a shot at not going last this time, 38 00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,959 so we're gonna draw the numbers out of a hat. 39 00:02:14,003 --> 00:02:15,396 Whatever number you draw, 40 00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:16,745 that's what position you're go up on the show. 41 00:02:16,788 --> 00:02:17,572 Is that fair? 42 00:02:17,615 --> 00:02:18,877 - Fair. - Fair. 43 00:02:18,921 --> 00:02:19,704 - Fair. - Yeah, that's fair. 44 00:02:19,748 --> 00:02:20,792 - Ronnie, go first. 45 00:02:20,836 --> 00:02:22,272 - [Larry] Come on, last. 46 00:02:22,316 --> 00:02:23,143 - Two! 47 00:02:24,666 --> 00:02:26,189 - Whoo, number one! 48 00:02:26,233 --> 00:02:27,234 Leadin' off. 49 00:02:29,236 --> 00:02:30,933 - 7 3/4. 50 00:02:30,976 --> 00:02:32,152 - 7 3/4? 51 00:02:32,195 --> 00:02:33,370 - You tore the tag out of the hat, idiot. 52 00:02:33,414 --> 00:02:34,502 Draw a number. 53 00:02:35,633 --> 00:02:37,635 - [Ron] Little drumroll, come on. 54 00:02:37,679 --> 00:02:40,203 [Bill and Jeff laugh] 55 00:02:40,247 --> 00:02:41,335 - Going last! 56 00:02:43,989 --> 00:02:46,818 [audience cheers] 57 00:02:50,822 --> 00:02:52,520 - [Announcer] Denver! 58 00:02:52,563 --> 00:02:57,351 Are you ready for Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again? 59 00:02:57,394 --> 00:03:00,049 Please welcome Mr. Bill Engvall! 60 00:03:01,006 --> 00:03:03,835 [audience cheers] 61 00:03:25,117 --> 00:03:26,293 - Thank you very much. 62 00:03:27,816 --> 00:03:31,254 Well, now I know why we did this in Denver. 63 00:03:31,298 --> 00:03:34,170 [audience cheers] 64 00:03:36,868 --> 00:03:41,221 - Tonight, we're gonna talk a little bit about relationships 65 00:03:42,874 --> 00:03:46,400 and what I see as the basic difference 66 00:03:46,443 --> 00:03:48,053 between men and women. 67 00:03:48,097 --> 00:03:51,709 And I don't think I'll be making any of this mess up. 68 00:03:51,753 --> 00:03:53,581 [audience laughs] 69 00:03:53,624 --> 00:03:56,148 I think the biggest difference between men and women 70 00:03:56,192 --> 00:04:00,370 is this: men are basic, just basic. 71 00:04:00,414 --> 00:04:02,154 There's not a whole lot of frills. 72 00:04:03,765 --> 00:04:06,071 That's why, ladies, when you ask a fella question, 73 00:04:06,115 --> 00:04:09,553 a lot of times the answer you get is I-dunno. 74 00:04:09,597 --> 00:04:11,686 [audience laughs] 75 00:04:11,729 --> 00:04:12,556 Basic. 76 00:04:14,428 --> 00:04:17,257 Women are details, 77 00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:19,737 details, details, details. 78 00:04:19,781 --> 00:04:20,651 [women cheer] 79 00:04:20,695 --> 00:04:22,262 Yeah. 80 00:04:23,654 --> 00:04:26,614 If you don't got the details, do not talk to a woman. 81 00:04:28,398 --> 00:04:30,574 I'll give you a great example. 82 00:04:30,618 --> 00:04:32,620 My friend, Joey, and I were working out at the gym 83 00:04:32,663 --> 00:04:34,317 the other day, and Joey says to me, 84 00:04:34,361 --> 00:04:35,927 "Hey man, I'm getting a divorce." 85 00:04:35,971 --> 00:04:37,015 And I said, "Oh, that sucks. 86 00:04:37,059 --> 00:04:37,973 Can you spot me?" 87 00:04:39,017 --> 00:04:42,107 [audience laughs] 88 00:04:42,151 --> 00:04:43,892 That was our whole conversation. 89 00:04:46,155 --> 00:04:47,287 I understood it. 90 00:04:47,330 --> 00:04:48,288 He understood it. 91 00:04:49,637 --> 00:04:51,116 So, I go home 92 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,684 and I tell my wife, I go, "Hey, Joey's getting a divorce." 93 00:04:53,728 --> 00:04:56,296 "Oh my God, what happened?" 94 00:04:56,339 --> 00:04:57,819 I-dunno. 95 00:04:57,862 --> 00:05:00,778 [audience laughs] 96 00:05:00,822 --> 00:05:03,651 [audience cheers] 97 00:05:06,828 --> 00:05:08,438 She said, "What do you mean? [grunts] 98 00:05:08,482 --> 00:05:09,396 Was he cheating on her? 99 00:05:09,439 --> 00:05:10,614 Was she cheating on him?" 100 00:05:10,658 --> 00:05:12,747 I said, "Again, baby, I don't know. 101 00:05:12,790 --> 00:05:14,270 I'm not holding anything back here. 102 00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:15,924 You got a better chance off getting the answer 103 00:05:15,967 --> 00:05:17,055 out of the dog." 104 00:05:18,622 --> 00:05:19,493 And that's when it hit me. 105 00:05:19,536 --> 00:05:21,277 That's why dogs don't talk. 106 00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,671 [audience laughs] 107 00:05:23,714 --> 00:05:25,542 They've learned. 108 00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:28,415 [audience cheers] 109 00:05:32,810 --> 00:05:34,725 She said, "Bill, how can somebody tell you 110 00:05:34,769 --> 00:05:36,988 they're getting a divorce and you don't ask any questions?" 111 00:05:37,032 --> 00:05:39,730 And I said, "Baby, 'cause he didn't ask me a question." 112 00:05:41,123 --> 00:05:42,646 All right? 113 00:05:42,690 --> 00:05:44,866 What he said was a statement. 114 00:05:44,909 --> 00:05:47,738 He said, "I'm getting a divorce," which said to me, 115 00:05:47,782 --> 00:05:49,261 I have the situation in hand 116 00:05:49,305 --> 00:05:52,830 and require no further input on your part. 117 00:05:52,874 --> 00:05:55,659 [audience laughs] 118 00:05:55,703 --> 00:05:57,269 Now, had Joey said, 119 00:05:57,313 --> 00:05:59,620 "What do you think about me getting a divorce?" 120 00:05:59,663 --> 00:06:00,838 Then I would have said, 121 00:06:00,882 --> 00:06:01,752 "Well, you're gonna be dating again, 122 00:06:01,796 --> 00:06:03,493 you need to work on your abs." 123 00:06:03,537 --> 00:06:06,366 [audience cheers] 124 00:06:12,894 --> 00:06:14,374 Lord, that's the only reason I got married, 125 00:06:14,417 --> 00:06:16,506 my gym membership ran out. 126 00:06:16,550 --> 00:06:19,030 [audience laughs] 127 00:06:19,074 --> 00:06:21,816 You see, ladies, men have three basic needs in life. 128 00:06:21,859 --> 00:06:23,208 That's it, three, 129 00:06:23,252 --> 00:06:25,515 eating, sleeping, sex. 130 00:06:25,559 --> 00:06:27,561 That's it, that's our whole day. 131 00:06:30,259 --> 00:06:33,218 And I can do all three of those in my truck 132 00:06:33,262 --> 00:06:36,091 [audience laughs] 133 00:06:38,528 --> 00:06:39,399 by myself 134 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,228 [audience cheers] 135 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:50,888 in traffic. 136 00:06:54,936 --> 00:06:56,459 See, I've been married awhile, 137 00:06:56,503 --> 00:06:59,331 so I'm having to relearn all this stuff I thought I knew, 138 00:06:59,375 --> 00:07:00,681 you know, like her little signs 139 00:07:00,724 --> 00:07:02,552 and what kind of mood she's in. 140 00:07:02,596 --> 00:07:03,640 'Cause I thought I knew them, 141 00:07:03,684 --> 00:07:05,947 but apparently, I don't. 142 00:07:05,990 --> 00:07:07,731 Like, one night we was lying in bed, 143 00:07:07,775 --> 00:07:08,602 getting ready to go to sleep. 144 00:07:08,645 --> 00:07:09,820 We turn off the lights, 145 00:07:09,864 --> 00:07:11,300 my wife puts her hand on my shoulder, 146 00:07:11,343 --> 00:07:12,997 rolls over and gives me kiss and says, "Goodnight." 147 00:07:13,041 --> 00:07:14,782 And I said, "Well, good night." 148 00:07:14,825 --> 00:07:16,261 I went to sleep. 149 00:07:16,305 --> 00:07:17,872 [audience laughs] 150 00:07:17,915 --> 00:07:20,483 Next morning, she goes, "What happened to you last night?" 151 00:07:20,527 --> 00:07:23,399 [audience laughs] 152 00:07:26,315 --> 00:07:27,229 Well, what do you mean, 153 00:07:27,272 --> 00:07:28,796 what happened to me last night? 154 00:07:28,839 --> 00:07:31,015 She said, "Well, I was in the mood." 155 00:07:31,059 --> 00:07:32,539 [audience laughs] 156 00:07:32,582 --> 00:07:35,063 I said, "Well, why didn't you say something?" 157 00:07:35,106 --> 00:07:38,370 She said, "I put my hand on your shoulder." 158 00:07:38,414 --> 00:07:41,243 [audience cheers] 159 00:07:45,247 --> 00:07:49,991 I said, "Baby, let me think if I can explain this to you. 160 00:07:50,034 --> 00:07:52,994 You know those bars called topless bars?" 161 00:07:53,037 --> 00:07:54,256 She said, "Yeah," 162 00:07:54,299 --> 00:07:56,345 and I said, "They don't sell shoulder dances." 163 00:07:57,477 --> 00:08:00,001 [audience laughs] 164 00:08:00,044 --> 00:08:02,830 [audience cheers] 165 00:08:06,877 --> 00:08:09,576 I ain't never met a guy in my life 166 00:08:09,619 --> 00:08:14,624 that get his shoulder touched and he goes, "Hey, yeah!" 167 00:08:16,844 --> 00:08:19,760 So, a couple of weeks later, we're lying in bed. 168 00:08:19,803 --> 00:08:21,501 She kind of pushes on my shoulder. 169 00:08:21,544 --> 00:08:22,937 I said, "All right." 170 00:08:24,112 --> 00:08:26,288 This rodeo's fixing to kick off. 171 00:08:27,550 --> 00:08:28,943 So, I start putting my moves on, 172 00:08:28,986 --> 00:08:29,987 and she goes, "No, not tonight. 173 00:08:30,031 --> 00:08:31,815 I'm not in the mood." 174 00:08:31,859 --> 00:08:35,427 I said, "You touched my shoulder." 175 00:08:36,994 --> 00:08:38,866 She said, "No, I pushed your shoulder. 176 00:08:39,910 --> 00:08:43,174 Touch means go, push means no." 177 00:08:43,218 --> 00:08:46,047 [audience cheers] 178 00:08:51,182 --> 00:08:53,576 Is there a manual to this machine? 179 00:08:55,665 --> 00:08:58,015 You see, marital sex is kind of like ordering 180 00:08:58,059 --> 00:09:00,104 a Civil War chest set through the mail. 181 00:09:02,237 --> 00:09:05,109 You get one piece every four to six weeks. 182 00:09:05,153 --> 00:09:07,982 [audience laughs] 183 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,380 You don't know what kind of shape that piece 184 00:09:15,424 --> 00:09:16,947 is gonna be in when you get it, 185 00:09:18,688 --> 00:09:20,995 but you still got to pay the handling charges. 186 00:09:22,170 --> 00:09:24,999 [audience cheers] 187 00:09:30,004 --> 00:09:31,875 Well, see, now that our kids are kind of grown up, 188 00:09:31,919 --> 00:09:34,356 we're having to spend a little more time together. 189 00:09:34,399 --> 00:09:35,662 And when you're dating, 190 00:09:35,705 --> 00:09:37,098 you spend all the time in the world together, 191 00:09:37,141 --> 00:09:40,057 'cause chances are, you're gonna end up having sex. 192 00:09:40,101 --> 00:09:41,581 After you've been married a long time, 193 00:09:41,624 --> 00:09:44,584 chances are you just gonna be spending time together. 194 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,980 So, now she wants us to start doing things together. 195 00:09:51,373 --> 00:09:53,418 I said, "All right, we'll do things together." 196 00:09:53,462 --> 00:09:54,550 First thing out of her mouth, 197 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,596 "Let's go on a whale-watching trip." 198 00:09:56,639 --> 00:09:58,467 I said, "What?" 199 00:09:58,510 --> 00:10:00,643 She goes, "I want to get in the boat and go see the whales. 200 00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:01,818 Let's go see the whales." 201 00:10:01,862 --> 00:10:05,866 And I said, "No, that's a 60-foot animal. 202 00:10:05,909 --> 00:10:07,824 We're in a six foot rubber boat. 203 00:10:09,696 --> 00:10:11,132 We're a bath toy." 204 00:10:13,134 --> 00:10:14,352 She said, "Well, I want to go see 'em." 205 00:10:14,396 --> 00:10:15,615 I said, "We're not gonna go see 'em." 206 00:10:15,658 --> 00:10:16,616 She goes, "We're gonna go see 'em." 207 00:10:16,659 --> 00:10:18,922 And I said, "Well, all right." 208 00:10:18,966 --> 00:10:21,446 [audience laughs] 209 00:10:21,490 --> 00:10:23,971 [women cheer] 210 00:10:26,147 --> 00:10:28,671 So, the day of the trip, I'm whining and moaning 211 00:10:28,715 --> 00:10:29,803 'cause I don't want to go, 212 00:10:29,846 --> 00:10:31,456 and especially 'cause we're going with 213 00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:32,893 these other couple friends of ours who are from California, 214 00:10:32,936 --> 00:10:34,721 and they're nice people, don't get me wrong, 215 00:10:34,764 --> 00:10:36,940 but we just don't see eye to eye. 216 00:10:36,984 --> 00:10:38,725 So, we get down on the dock and this dude 217 00:10:38,768 --> 00:10:40,944 is right in my face, like, "Bill, dude, check this out. 218 00:10:40,988 --> 00:10:42,642 All right, check this out. 219 00:10:44,295 --> 00:10:47,429 Do you know what would, like, totally make my day?" 220 00:10:48,343 --> 00:10:50,301 And I said, "A GED?" 221 00:10:51,215 --> 00:10:54,001 [audience laughs] 222 00:10:58,745 --> 00:10:59,963 He said, "No. 223 00:11:00,007 --> 00:11:02,052 No, dude, I don't want a ged. 224 00:11:02,096 --> 00:11:03,314 Dude, check this out. 225 00:11:04,315 --> 00:11:06,491 [audience laughs] 226 00:11:06,535 --> 00:11:09,581 This would like totally make my day, all right? 227 00:11:09,625 --> 00:11:11,018 So, we're out in this little boat. 228 00:11:11,061 --> 00:11:12,323 All right, check this out, 229 00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:13,629 and we're on the waves, like going, whoa, waves. 230 00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:14,674 Whoa, waves, whoa. 231 00:11:15,892 --> 00:11:18,678 And then, like, it would be so righteous 232 00:11:18,721 --> 00:11:21,681 if, like, this whale just, like, went right by the boat. 233 00:11:21,724 --> 00:11:22,856 That would make my day." 234 00:11:25,380 --> 00:11:27,730 So, we're out in this little boat in the middle of the ocean 235 00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:30,559 and surf boy gets his wish. 236 00:11:32,039 --> 00:11:36,913 Out of nowhere, this humongous whale comes out of the water 237 00:11:36,957 --> 00:11:39,350 right by the boat, and goes [imitates whale spray] 238 00:11:39,394 --> 00:11:44,094 and sprays this nasty liquid all over the boat. 239 00:11:45,574 --> 00:11:47,663 And the Californians are freaking, like, "Oh my God, 240 00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:49,404 he sprayed us, that is so cool. 241 00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:50,710 He sprayed us, he sprayed us." 242 00:11:50,753 --> 00:11:53,538 I'm like, "He blew his nose on us!" 243 00:11:53,582 --> 00:11:56,411 [audience laughs] 244 00:12:02,069 --> 00:12:04,506 We just paid 200 bucks apiece 245 00:12:05,637 --> 00:12:08,292 to have a whale hock a loogie on us. 246 00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,731 And then the whale went [screeches] 247 00:12:11,774 --> 00:12:12,644 and they're like, "What'd he say, 248 00:12:12,688 --> 00:12:14,734 what'd he say, what'd he say?" 249 00:12:14,777 --> 00:12:18,738 I'm like, "He said [screeches] that's what he said. 250 00:12:18,781 --> 00:12:19,869 Which means I just blew snot on you. 251 00:12:19,913 --> 00:12:23,046 I'm gonna go tell my friends." 252 00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:25,919 [audience laughs] 253 00:12:27,355 --> 00:12:30,793 See, we just need to leave the animals alone. 254 00:12:30,837 --> 00:12:33,013 God, just let them live their lives. 255 00:12:34,101 --> 00:12:36,930 [audience cheers] 256 00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:44,285 we are so bent on figuring everything out about animals. 257 00:12:44,981 --> 00:12:46,243 They're just animals. 258 00:12:46,287 --> 00:12:48,680 We don't have to, all right, great example. 259 00:12:48,724 --> 00:12:50,813 In California, in the desert, 260 00:12:50,857 --> 00:12:53,424 they found bones of this prehistoric porpoise. 261 00:12:53,468 --> 00:12:55,078 And they're saying it's interesting 262 00:12:55,122 --> 00:12:56,601 'cause this porpoise's upper jaw 263 00:12:56,645 --> 00:12:59,909 sticks out a lot further than its lower jaw. 264 00:12:59,953 --> 00:13:02,085 So, I'm figuring, he's got to look like. 265 00:13:02,129 --> 00:13:04,958 [audience laughs] 266 00:13:06,350 --> 00:13:08,352 And they're trying to figure out if this upper jaw 267 00:13:08,396 --> 00:13:11,181 was used during sex or for eating. 268 00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:12,792 And I'm thinking, you know what? 269 00:13:13,836 --> 00:13:15,577 You can rule out sex. 270 00:13:17,144 --> 00:13:18,667 Because if you look like this, 271 00:13:21,061 --> 00:13:22,889 sex ain't happening, all right? 272 00:13:22,932 --> 00:13:25,152 [audience laughs] 273 00:13:25,195 --> 00:13:27,937 I mean, what if it's just a goofy looking fish? 274 00:13:27,981 --> 00:13:30,200 You know, like a dork fish. 275 00:13:30,244 --> 00:13:34,378 [audience cheers] You know? 276 00:13:34,422 --> 00:13:36,032 He'd be out in that desert like, 277 00:13:36,076 --> 00:13:38,948 "Oh, this ain't the ocean. 278 00:13:38,992 --> 00:13:41,821 Whew, I'd better find me some water!" 279 00:13:41,864 --> 00:13:43,648 [audience laughs] 280 00:13:43,692 --> 00:13:46,869 Can you imagine if you were fishing 281 00:13:46,913 --> 00:13:48,740 and you caught a dork fish? 282 00:13:50,394 --> 00:13:51,787 'Cause you know your friends would be like, 283 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:52,657 "Hey, man, 284 00:13:55,965 --> 00:13:57,271 what kind of fish is that?" 285 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:02,102 You'd be like, "Oh, nothing." 286 00:14:02,145 --> 00:14:04,321 [audience laughs] 287 00:14:04,365 --> 00:14:05,888 'Cause you know that fish would stick his head 288 00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:07,847 out of that bucket, "I'm a dork fish. 289 00:14:09,761 --> 00:14:11,459 He caught me on a corn dog. 290 00:14:12,939 --> 00:14:15,028 I swear to God. 291 00:14:15,071 --> 00:14:17,682 I was swimming underneath the ocean, 292 00:14:17,726 --> 00:14:20,816 and I said, 'What's a corn dog doin' underneath the ocean?' 293 00:14:22,209 --> 00:14:24,689 But, boy, you know me, I love them dang corn dogs." 294 00:14:31,740 --> 00:14:32,872 So, she's wanting, 295 00:14:34,395 --> 00:14:36,919 she's wanting to do some stuff together. 296 00:14:36,963 --> 00:14:38,442 So, I said, "All right, I've got an idea 297 00:14:38,486 --> 00:14:39,748 for something we can do together. 298 00:14:39,791 --> 00:14:40,880 Let's go deer hunting. 299 00:14:42,055 --> 00:14:44,884 [audience cheers] 300 00:14:47,060 --> 00:14:48,975 We did the whale watching thing, 301 00:14:49,018 --> 00:14:50,454 let's go deer hunting." 302 00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:53,022 Fair's fair. 303 00:14:53,066 --> 00:14:55,329 Well, I knew this was gonna be a mistake 304 00:14:56,808 --> 00:14:58,810 when we was driving out to where we were gonna hunt, 305 00:14:58,854 --> 00:15:01,770 and we keep passing these deer crossing signs, 306 00:15:01,813 --> 00:15:05,034 and my wife, who's the smartest person I know, 307 00:15:05,078 --> 00:15:06,818 says to me, "Why do they put those signs up? 308 00:15:06,862 --> 00:15:08,908 Deer can't read." 309 00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:11,780 [audience laughs] 310 00:15:15,566 --> 00:15:18,700 No, but they do recognize pictures of themselves. 311 00:15:22,356 --> 00:15:24,053 Let me set the scene for ya. 312 00:15:25,533 --> 00:15:28,231 I got on camouflage pants, I got on a camouflage jacket, 313 00:15:28,275 --> 00:15:32,061 camouflage ball cap, I got camouflage paint on my face. 314 00:15:32,105 --> 00:15:34,934 I've got a .30-06 with a laser scope. 315 00:15:36,457 --> 00:15:39,677 She is in a yellow jogging suit, 316 00:15:39,721 --> 00:15:42,245 [audience laughs] 317 00:15:42,289 --> 00:15:46,032 white tennis shoes, and she brought her purse. 318 00:15:48,208 --> 00:15:49,557 I'm here to kill a deer. 319 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:51,646 She's gonna take it shopping. 320 00:15:51,689 --> 00:15:54,518 [audience laughs] 321 00:15:57,347 --> 00:15:58,261 So, we get in the stand. 322 00:15:58,305 --> 00:15:59,523 Any of you hunters out there, 323 00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:01,047 you know the time of day I'm talking about. 324 00:16:01,090 --> 00:16:03,440 Man, oh, yeah. 325 00:16:03,484 --> 00:16:05,094 It is the perfect time of day. 326 00:16:05,138 --> 00:16:08,358 It's dark, it's early morning, it's cold. 327 00:16:08,402 --> 00:16:10,447 You're making steam with your breath. 328 00:16:10,491 --> 00:16:11,971 Off in the distance, 329 00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:14,234 you hear a turkey gobble as he wakes up for the day. 330 00:16:14,277 --> 00:16:16,323 A squirrel scampers through the dead leaves. 331 00:16:16,366 --> 00:16:19,326 It is the perfect time of day. 332 00:16:20,675 --> 00:16:21,502 It's quiet, 333 00:16:23,156 --> 00:16:24,592 kinda. 334 00:16:24,635 --> 00:16:27,725 [audience laughs] 335 00:16:27,769 --> 00:16:30,337 Because in the darkness of our deer stand, 336 00:16:30,380 --> 00:16:32,078 I'm hearing things like this. 337 00:16:33,340 --> 00:16:35,777 [Bill sighs] 338 00:16:42,566 --> 00:16:43,915 "Bill. 339 00:16:43,959 --> 00:16:46,396 [audience laughs] 340 00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:48,007 What are we doing?" 341 00:16:53,229 --> 00:16:57,103 "We're, um, we're waiting for the deer to show up, 342 00:16:57,146 --> 00:16:59,540 okay, honey? [shushes] 343 00:17:01,237 --> 00:17:03,022 You gotta be really quiet." 344 00:17:06,155 --> 00:17:08,592 [Bill sighs] 345 00:17:13,206 --> 00:17:15,121 "What time do they show up?" 346 00:17:15,164 --> 00:17:18,211 [audience laughs] 347 00:17:18,254 --> 00:17:21,040 [audience cheers] 348 00:17:28,003 --> 00:17:29,744 "I, uh, I don't know. 349 00:17:33,008 --> 00:17:37,056 They didn't return the phone call to set up the meeting. 350 00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:39,014 Now, please, be quiet." 351 00:17:44,889 --> 00:17:45,716 "Bill. 352 00:17:47,936 --> 00:17:49,416 I've gotta pee." 353 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:55,204 "There's a coffee can." 354 00:17:55,248 --> 00:17:56,423 "Oh, wake up." 355 00:17:59,252 --> 00:18:01,167 The sun has come up, 356 00:18:01,210 --> 00:18:04,344 and in the clearing stands a buck, 10 points, 357 00:18:04,387 --> 00:18:07,608 good 250, and I'm like, oh. 358 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:11,438 Thank you, God. 359 00:18:12,961 --> 00:18:15,094 You are on the wall. 360 00:18:16,356 --> 00:18:18,184 And this is what I hear. 361 00:18:18,227 --> 00:18:21,143 "Oh! 362 00:18:21,187 --> 00:18:22,318 Isn't he cute! 363 00:18:26,496 --> 00:18:28,759 He looks like Bambi's dad. 364 00:18:29,978 --> 00:18:31,719 Remember, we saw that movie with the kids?" 365 00:18:31,762 --> 00:18:33,068 "Yes, I remember that movie, it was a cartoon, 366 00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:34,113 now please, shut up." 367 00:18:35,984 --> 00:18:38,117 "Well, you're not gonna shoot him, are ya?" 368 00:18:39,770 --> 00:18:42,425 "What do you think I brought this gun for? 369 00:18:43,644 --> 00:18:44,688 Protection? 370 00:18:46,168 --> 00:18:48,736 Like that deer might run up this tree and rob us?" 371 00:18:49,911 --> 00:18:51,521 She freaks, she goes, "Run, deer! 372 00:18:51,565 --> 00:18:52,783 Run, run, run!" 373 00:18:53,697 --> 00:18:55,960 [audience laughs] 374 00:18:56,004 --> 00:18:58,833 [audience cheers] 375 00:19:02,228 --> 00:19:04,012 That is the only time 376 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:07,755 I've ever pushed a woman out of a tree. 377 00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,803 [audience applauds] 378 00:19:15,719 --> 00:19:16,981 I do joke about her, y'all, 379 00:19:17,025 --> 00:19:18,287 but you know, I love her to death. 380 00:19:18,331 --> 00:19:19,897 She gave me two beautiful kids, 381 00:19:19,941 --> 00:19:22,639 and I look forward to getting old with her, 382 00:19:22,683 --> 00:19:24,075 and I tell you a great little story 383 00:19:24,119 --> 00:19:25,207 happened not too long ago. 384 00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:27,688 My son, who plays piano now, 385 00:19:27,731 --> 00:19:28,993 he's getting really good at it, 386 00:19:29,037 --> 00:19:30,256 and we was sitting in the den the other day. 387 00:19:30,299 --> 00:19:31,474 My wife and I was watching TV, 388 00:19:31,518 --> 00:19:32,997 and he comes in, he goes, "Hey, Dad, 389 00:19:33,041 --> 00:19:34,651 I'm gonna play you a song on the piano." 390 00:19:34,695 --> 00:19:36,087 I said, "Hey, great." 391 00:19:36,131 --> 00:19:37,698 So, I go into where the piano is, 392 00:19:37,741 --> 00:19:39,743 and he goes, "I'm gonna play you a song from Harry Potter." 393 00:19:39,787 --> 00:19:42,093 And I said, "Oh, cool, the movie?" 394 00:19:42,137 --> 00:19:43,965 He goes, "Nope, the book." 395 00:19:45,140 --> 00:19:46,837 Here's your sign. 396 00:19:46,881 --> 00:19:49,710 [audience cheers] 397 00:19:56,238 --> 00:19:58,588 Oh, we've had some good ones this year. 398 00:20:00,242 --> 00:20:01,765 I was talking about hunting, last October, 399 00:20:01,809 --> 00:20:03,419 I went hunting down at the ranch, 400 00:20:03,463 --> 00:20:05,552 and I had on, again, my camouflage pants, 401 00:20:05,595 --> 00:20:07,118 camouflage jacket, camouflage ball cap. 402 00:20:07,162 --> 00:20:08,468 We did the morning hunt, didn't get anything. 403 00:20:08,511 --> 00:20:09,991 Well had to go into the Walmart at lunch 404 00:20:10,034 --> 00:20:11,514 to get some supplies, 405 00:20:11,558 --> 00:20:13,516 and I walk in the front door to Walmart 406 00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,605 and the greeter goes, "You been hunting?" 407 00:20:17,346 --> 00:20:20,088 I said, "Nope, I'm on my way to a tree hugging party." 408 00:20:22,003 --> 00:20:23,396 Here's your sign. 409 00:20:23,439 --> 00:20:26,268 [audience cheers] 410 00:20:30,707 --> 00:20:32,535 I'll tell you one my wife did. 411 00:20:32,579 --> 00:20:34,755 I was off, I got booked on this corporate job, 412 00:20:34,798 --> 00:20:37,540 and it was in Arkansas and it was a morning show, 413 00:20:37,584 --> 00:20:38,846 so we had to fly in the night before 414 00:20:38,889 --> 00:20:40,064 on this little puddle jumper airplane 415 00:20:40,108 --> 00:20:41,370 to this remote airstrip at night. 416 00:20:41,414 --> 00:20:42,850 I was not thrilled. 417 00:20:42,893 --> 00:20:44,330 When we landed on the runway at night, 418 00:20:44,373 --> 00:20:46,723 we hit a deer with our airplane. 419 00:20:46,767 --> 00:20:47,550 [audience laughs] 420 00:20:47,594 --> 00:20:48,943 You cannot make this up. 421 00:20:50,336 --> 00:20:52,773 And it killed the deer, it wrecked the engine, 422 00:20:52,816 --> 00:20:54,731 we had to evacuate the plane. 423 00:20:54,775 --> 00:20:56,429 Well, they put us in this little minivan 424 00:20:56,472 --> 00:20:58,213 and their busing us back to this terminal, 425 00:20:58,257 --> 00:20:59,736 and I'm laughing at this point, 426 00:20:59,780 --> 00:21:01,999 'cause this is the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life. 427 00:21:03,174 --> 00:21:05,612 I mean, how do you hit a deer with an airplane? 428 00:21:05,655 --> 00:21:06,917 [audience laughs] 429 00:21:06,961 --> 00:21:08,441 So, I called my wife on the cell phone. 430 00:21:08,484 --> 00:21:10,965 I said, "Baby, you're not gonna believe this. 431 00:21:11,008 --> 00:21:14,316 We just hit a deer with our airplane." 432 00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:19,060 And there was a silence on the other end of the line, 433 00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:23,412 followed by, "Oh my God, were you on the ground?" 434 00:21:23,456 --> 00:21:26,937 [audience laughs] 435 00:21:26,981 --> 00:21:29,810 [audience cheers] 436 00:21:32,639 --> 00:21:36,686 I said, "Nope, Santa was making one last run." 437 00:21:36,730 --> 00:21:38,775 Here's your sign. 438 00:21:38,819 --> 00:21:41,125 And I had one, almost got me thrown in jail. 439 00:21:42,344 --> 00:21:43,824 I took my wife to Europe this year, 440 00:21:43,867 --> 00:21:45,347 and we had been over there for a couple of weeks. 441 00:21:45,391 --> 00:21:46,783 We bought a couple of paintings, about that big, 442 00:21:46,827 --> 00:21:48,263 you know, about 11 by 15, 443 00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:49,482 and they were too small to check 444 00:21:49,525 --> 00:21:50,744 and we didn't want to get them damaged, 445 00:21:50,787 --> 00:21:52,049 so we just carried them on the airplane. 446 00:21:52,093 --> 00:21:54,138 Well, our plane lands from Frankfurt, Germany, 447 00:21:54,182 --> 00:21:55,836 into Los Angeles for customs. 448 00:21:55,879 --> 00:21:58,578 We'd walked off the plane into customs. 449 00:21:58,621 --> 00:22:00,188 We're holding the paintings in our hand, 450 00:22:00,231 --> 00:22:01,711 and the customs agent goes, 451 00:22:01,755 --> 00:22:04,148 "Did y'all buy them paintings outside of the country?" 452 00:22:04,192 --> 00:22:07,021 [audience laughs] 453 00:22:09,676 --> 00:22:11,286 No. 454 00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:13,810 No, see, we carry this one all the time with us, 455 00:22:15,246 --> 00:22:18,032 and my wife painted this one while we was waiting in line. 456 00:22:18,946 --> 00:22:20,556 Here's your sign. 457 00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:21,557 God bless you, Denver. 458 00:22:21,601 --> 00:22:23,342 Thank you very much. 459 00:22:23,385 --> 00:22:26,214 [audience cheers] 460 00:22:35,876 --> 00:22:39,532 Keep it going for my buddy, Ron White! 461 00:22:39,575 --> 00:22:42,186 [upbeat music] 462 00:23:14,393 --> 00:23:15,916 - Easy, Seabiscuit. 463 00:23:18,788 --> 00:23:23,402 The Chinese have a space program now. 464 00:23:24,577 --> 00:23:26,448 It's not like the U.S. space program, 465 00:23:26,492 --> 00:23:30,060 because in the Chinese space program, Tang 466 00:23:30,104 --> 00:23:32,933 [audience laughs] 467 00:23:35,501 --> 00:23:37,633 is one of the astronauts. 468 00:23:37,677 --> 00:23:40,680 [audience applauds] 469 00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:46,468 I lived in Mexico for a couple of years, 470 00:23:46,512 --> 00:23:48,644 and I was in a horrific car crash in Mexico. 471 00:23:48,688 --> 00:23:50,254 Some of you know this, 472 00:23:50,298 --> 00:23:53,257 and I had a metal plate put in my head by a Mexican doctor. 473 00:23:53,301 --> 00:23:54,128 No kidding. 474 00:23:54,955 --> 00:23:56,086 And the weird thing was, 475 00:23:56,130 --> 00:23:57,740 right before he performed the surgery, 476 00:23:57,784 --> 00:24:00,613 he said, "Be very careful. 477 00:24:01,527 --> 00:24:03,224 This plate is hot." 478 00:24:03,267 --> 00:24:06,096 [audience laughs] 479 00:24:14,975 --> 00:24:19,066 You ever take a crap so big your pants fit better? 480 00:24:19,109 --> 00:24:22,199 Has that ever happened to anybody in here? 481 00:24:22,243 --> 00:24:23,505 Anybody? 482 00:24:23,549 --> 00:24:26,377 [audience cheers] 483 00:24:27,857 --> 00:24:29,859 I'm hoping that happens to me later tonight, 484 00:24:29,903 --> 00:24:33,472 because these babies don't fit anymore, 485 00:24:34,647 --> 00:24:36,475 and I'm hoping I'm one big turd away 486 00:24:36,518 --> 00:24:38,694 from backing into an old wardrobe. 487 00:24:47,094 --> 00:24:49,618 I decided last week that there were too many support groups 488 00:24:49,662 --> 00:24:51,968 in this country, you need to pick your own self up and go. 489 00:24:52,012 --> 00:24:54,928 You know, I saw this commercial last week, 490 00:24:54,971 --> 00:24:59,585 and it was for a bladder control awareness group. 491 00:24:59,628 --> 00:25:01,151 I'm like, let me explain something to you. 492 00:25:01,195 --> 00:25:03,937 If you have a bladder control problem, 493 00:25:04,807 --> 00:25:07,070 you're probably aware of it. 494 00:25:07,114 --> 00:25:09,943 [audience laughs] 495 00:25:12,249 --> 00:25:14,077 Or you're in some weird-ass denial 496 00:25:14,121 --> 00:25:16,689 I've never even heard of, you know? 497 00:25:16,732 --> 00:25:18,647 Bob, I got a moisture problem in this area, 498 00:25:18,691 --> 00:25:22,608 and I don't know if it's condensation due to high humidity 499 00:25:22,651 --> 00:25:27,395 or if I'm pissing myself, Bob. 500 00:25:28,396 --> 00:25:31,225 [audience laughs] 501 00:25:34,402 --> 00:25:36,709 Well, I'll tell you a little bit about myself. 502 00:25:36,752 --> 00:25:39,712 My brother's a doctor and my sister's an attorney, 503 00:25:39,755 --> 00:25:42,584 and I hate Thanksgiving. 504 00:25:42,628 --> 00:25:45,369 [audience laughs] 505 00:25:45,413 --> 00:25:48,242 [audience cheers] 506 00:25:52,420 --> 00:25:55,466 Last year, we're sitting around the dining room table 507 00:25:55,510 --> 00:25:57,425 and my brother tells a story 508 00:25:57,468 --> 00:26:00,080 about all the neat lives he'd saved. 509 00:26:00,123 --> 00:26:04,084 My sister tells a story about winning a lawsuit 510 00:26:04,127 --> 00:26:07,174 for an orphanage and helping the children. 511 00:26:07,217 --> 00:26:10,046 My mom goes "Well, Ron? 512 00:26:10,090 --> 00:26:12,396 [audience laughs] 513 00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:15,443 Is there anything new with your career?" 514 00:26:15,486 --> 00:26:16,836 And I go, "Yeah, 515 00:26:18,272 --> 00:26:21,492 I got new bit about sticking my pecker in a toaster." 516 00:26:21,536 --> 00:26:24,191 [audience laughs] 517 00:26:24,234 --> 00:26:27,063 [audience cheers] 518 00:26:32,373 --> 00:26:35,681 Maybe I should have told my story first. 519 00:26:39,249 --> 00:26:40,424 Well, that's enough comedy. 520 00:26:40,468 --> 00:26:41,861 I'd like to talk for just a little bit 521 00:26:41,904 --> 00:26:43,514 about firework safety. 522 00:26:43,558 --> 00:26:46,474 That's something I like to do every time I speak in public. 523 00:26:46,517 --> 00:26:48,824 No, seriously, years ago, 524 00:26:48,868 --> 00:26:50,347 my friend, Timmy Smithers, and I 525 00:26:50,391 --> 00:26:52,741 went to a 4th of July celebration, 526 00:26:52,785 --> 00:26:54,700 and at one point in the festivities, 527 00:26:55,875 --> 00:26:57,833 Timmy leaned back too far with a lit punk 528 00:26:57,877 --> 00:27:01,837 and ignited the main fireworks display for the evening, 529 00:27:01,881 --> 00:27:04,100 inevitably causing his death, 530 00:27:04,144 --> 00:27:06,320 and not a night goes by that I don't wake up 531 00:27:06,363 --> 00:27:08,627 feeling horrible, because I know in my heart 532 00:27:08,670 --> 00:27:11,151 there was more I could have done to save his life. 533 00:27:12,021 --> 00:27:14,023 But it was so pretty. 534 00:27:14,067 --> 00:27:16,896 [audience laughs] 535 00:27:21,988 --> 00:27:22,771 Timmy, no! 536 00:27:22,815 --> 00:27:24,555 Would you look at that? 537 00:27:27,167 --> 00:27:29,648 That's the beginning of the Chinese space program. 538 00:27:30,561 --> 00:27:33,390 [audience laughs] 539 00:27:34,740 --> 00:27:37,960 My childhood was fraught with tragedy, actually. 540 00:27:38,004 --> 00:27:40,267 I wasn't a bright child. 541 00:27:40,310 --> 00:27:42,182 I had a very weak vocabulary. 542 00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:44,750 In fact, if I'd have known the difference 543 00:27:44,793 --> 00:27:46,708 between antidote and anecdote, 544 00:27:46,752 --> 00:27:49,972 my friend, Bobby Schneider, would still be alive today. 545 00:27:50,016 --> 00:27:52,845 [audience laughs] 546 00:27:54,629 --> 00:27:56,152 He got bit by copperhead, 547 00:27:56,196 --> 00:27:59,068 I'm reading him funny stories out of "Reader's Digest". 548 00:28:00,809 --> 00:28:02,158 His head's starting to swell. 549 00:28:02,202 --> 00:28:03,203 I'm like, "It ain't working." 550 00:28:03,246 --> 00:28:05,684 He goes, "Read faster!" 551 00:28:05,727 --> 00:28:07,642 [audience laughs] 552 00:28:07,686 --> 00:28:10,471 Things are going great, though, for me, not for my grandpa. 553 00:28:10,514 --> 00:28:12,038 He can't afford Viagra. 554 00:28:13,692 --> 00:28:15,171 So I buy him ginkgo biloba 555 00:28:15,215 --> 00:28:18,174 and now he can remember what it's like to have a hard-on. 556 00:28:18,218 --> 00:28:20,742 [audience laughs] 557 00:28:20,786 --> 00:28:23,614 [audience cheers] 558 00:28:25,878 --> 00:28:27,096 Things are going great, though. 559 00:28:27,140 --> 00:28:28,489 I just got married a couple of months ago, 560 00:28:28,532 --> 00:28:29,751 and I'm very excited. 561 00:28:29,795 --> 00:28:32,711 I'm as happy as I've ever been in my life. 562 00:28:32,754 --> 00:28:35,670 [audience cheers] 563 00:28:35,714 --> 00:28:37,193 The first time we made love, 564 00:28:37,237 --> 00:28:39,413 it was a little awkward, because, well, 565 00:28:39,456 --> 00:28:42,198 you've heard of these screamers, right? 566 00:28:42,242 --> 00:28:45,245 Well, apparently, she had never been with one, right? 567 00:28:45,288 --> 00:28:46,812 'Cause I'm, 568 00:28:46,855 --> 00:28:49,728 [audience laughs] 569 00:28:51,599 --> 00:28:52,774 I'm going at it. 570 00:28:52,818 --> 00:28:57,518 I'm like, [screams] 571 00:28:58,824 --> 00:29:00,913 She's like, "What's up with that?" 572 00:29:02,436 --> 00:29:03,742 I'm a screamer, baby. 573 00:29:06,483 --> 00:29:09,573 Daddy makes a little racket in the sack. 574 00:29:09,617 --> 00:29:12,446 [audience laughs] 575 00:29:16,450 --> 00:29:18,321 I'm from Texas. 576 00:29:18,365 --> 00:29:19,583 I'm a cowboy, a real cowboy. 577 00:29:19,627 --> 00:29:22,238 I was a bronc rider for six years of my life 578 00:29:22,282 --> 00:29:25,285 [audience applauds] 579 00:29:26,199 --> 00:29:27,504 and it's affected me. 580 00:29:29,202 --> 00:29:32,640 Now, when I have sex, my arm goes like this. 581 00:29:36,644 --> 00:29:38,994 Seems to be some dispute between the wife and I 582 00:29:39,038 --> 00:29:41,780 whether or not I'm staying on that full eight seconds. 583 00:29:42,824 --> 00:29:45,827 [audience laughs] 584 00:29:45,871 --> 00:29:49,483 [audience cheers] 585 00:29:49,526 --> 00:29:51,224 So, we got the timer and buzzer 586 00:29:51,267 --> 00:29:52,921 and set it up right there in the bedroom, 587 00:29:52,965 --> 00:29:57,970 and I taught her the meaning of the phrase most of the time. 588 00:29:59,928 --> 00:30:01,538 Would have been all the time, 589 00:30:01,582 --> 00:30:04,280 but she won't let me tie that rope around her waist anymore. 590 00:30:06,413 --> 00:30:10,373 She hates it when I spur her out of the chutes. 591 00:30:10,417 --> 00:30:13,246 [audience laughs] 592 00:30:14,247 --> 00:30:15,204 Hey, you laugh. 593 00:30:15,248 --> 00:30:16,771 It's not easy to keep an erection 594 00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:20,470 with a clown and a barrel in the corner of the room. 595 00:30:20,514 --> 00:30:23,343 [audience laughs] 596 00:30:29,915 --> 00:30:30,872 Is it, sir? 597 00:30:35,007 --> 00:30:36,704 I'm probably not a typical Texan, 598 00:30:36,747 --> 00:30:37,966 in that I don't hunt. 599 00:30:38,010 --> 00:30:39,533 I fish, but I don't hunt, 600 00:30:39,576 --> 00:30:41,143 and not because I think it might somehow be more holy 601 00:30:41,187 --> 00:30:42,928 to eat meat that's been bludgeoned to death 602 00:30:42,971 --> 00:30:43,842 by somebody else. 603 00:30:43,885 --> 00:30:45,495 That's not it. 604 00:30:45,539 --> 00:30:46,801 It's really early in the morning. 605 00:30:46,845 --> 00:30:47,976 It's really cold outside, 606 00:30:48,020 --> 00:30:49,543 and I don't want to go. 607 00:30:50,457 --> 00:30:53,242 [audience laughs] 608 00:30:54,591 --> 00:30:55,941 My cousin, Ray, on the other hand, 609 00:30:55,984 --> 00:30:57,681 things killing a deer with a deer rifle 610 00:30:57,725 --> 00:30:59,335 is magic in the forest, 611 00:30:59,379 --> 00:31:01,860 and I'd like to do for you now my impression 612 00:31:01,903 --> 00:31:04,384 of my cousin, Ray, after the big kill. 613 00:31:06,038 --> 00:31:08,388 "Well, it was four in the morning, 614 00:31:09,911 --> 00:31:11,739 22 degrees outside. 615 00:31:12,827 --> 00:31:16,875 Of course, you weren't there, pussy. 616 00:31:16,918 --> 00:31:19,747 [audience laughs] 617 00:31:20,661 --> 00:31:22,706 I'm in a camouflaged deer blind 618 00:31:22,750 --> 00:31:25,013 with grease paint on my face. 619 00:31:25,057 --> 00:31:28,712 I've got deer urine on my boots. 620 00:31:28,756 --> 00:31:30,453 I'm not sure why." 621 00:31:30,497 --> 00:31:32,891 [audience laughs] 622 00:31:32,934 --> 00:31:34,936 I made that part up. 623 00:31:34,980 --> 00:31:37,983 [audience cheers] 624 00:31:38,026 --> 00:31:40,246 "I got a .30-06 with a 12-power scope 625 00:31:40,289 --> 00:31:43,989 and a bullet that'll travel 2200 feet per second. 626 00:31:44,032 --> 00:31:46,948 When that deer looked up to lick the salt sucker 627 00:31:46,992 --> 00:31:48,950 I'd hung from the danged old tree 628 00:31:50,082 --> 00:31:53,259 [audience laughs] 629 00:31:53,302 --> 00:31:55,348 caught him right above the eye." 630 00:31:57,393 --> 00:31:59,961 Yeah, well, I hit one with a van, 631 00:32:00,005 --> 00:32:02,790 [audience laughs] 632 00:32:07,490 --> 00:32:10,667 going 55 miles an hour, 633 00:32:10,711 --> 00:32:14,236 with the headlights on and the horn blowing. 634 00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:16,586 [audience cheers] 635 00:32:16,630 --> 00:32:18,937 Whew, that's an elusive little creature. 636 00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:22,288 If you ever miss one, 637 00:32:22,331 --> 00:32:23,550 it's 'cause the bullet's moving too fast. 638 00:32:23,593 --> 00:32:24,986 Slow that bullet down at 55 miles an hour, 639 00:32:25,030 --> 00:32:27,728 put some headlights and a little horn on it, 640 00:32:27,771 --> 00:32:31,471 the deer will actually jump in front of the bullet. 641 00:32:31,514 --> 00:32:34,343 [audience laughs] 642 00:32:40,959 --> 00:32:42,003 It's kind of weird, when we got married, 643 00:32:42,047 --> 00:32:43,439 we got married in Nassau, 644 00:32:43,483 --> 00:32:44,832 and we were walking down the street 645 00:32:44,875 --> 00:32:45,659 and we'd just gotten married. 646 00:32:45,702 --> 00:32:47,400 It was a beautiful day. 647 00:32:47,443 --> 00:32:49,793 We'd been married for 45 minutes, so things are going great. 648 00:32:49,837 --> 00:32:52,274 [audience laughs] 649 00:32:52,318 --> 00:32:54,755 And this guy comes up to me and my wife and he goes, 650 00:32:54,798 --> 00:32:57,540 "Hey, man, I saw you on that Blue Collar deal." 651 00:32:57,584 --> 00:32:59,412 And I said, "Well, thank you very much," 652 00:32:59,455 --> 00:33:00,761 which is a stupid thing for me to say, 653 00:33:00,804 --> 00:33:01,805 'cause he didn't say he liked it. 654 00:33:01,849 --> 00:33:03,720 He just said he saw it, right? 655 00:33:04,939 --> 00:33:05,853 But I don't always know what to say, 656 00:33:05,896 --> 00:33:07,202 so I said, "Thank you very much. 657 00:33:07,246 --> 00:33:08,116 I hope you have a nice day." 658 00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:09,030 And I turned around and he goes, 659 00:33:09,074 --> 00:33:10,771 "I was talking to you." 660 00:33:12,033 --> 00:33:14,209 I'm like, "What?" 661 00:33:14,253 --> 00:33:16,124 He goes, "Do you like Garth Brooks?" 662 00:33:17,299 --> 00:33:19,998 [woman cheers] 663 00:33:20,041 --> 00:33:21,086 I'm like, "Yeah, I like Garth Brooks fine." 664 00:33:21,129 --> 00:33:22,391 I don't, but I said I did, 665 00:33:22,435 --> 00:33:24,654 because I just wanted to get on with my day. 666 00:33:26,265 --> 00:33:28,354 He goes, "Garth Brooks is only entertainer in America 667 00:33:28,397 --> 00:33:29,833 worth paying money to see," 668 00:33:29,877 --> 00:33:32,140 and I was like, oh, now I'm trying not to be a jerk. 669 00:33:32,184 --> 00:33:34,142 because my manager told me I couldn't be a jerk anymore, 670 00:33:34,186 --> 00:33:36,536 no matter what, right? 671 00:33:36,579 --> 00:33:39,408 [audience laughs] 672 00:33:41,584 --> 00:33:43,195 So, I said, "Well, I'm sure a lot of people feel that way, 673 00:33:43,238 --> 00:33:44,761 'cause he's a great entertainer. 674 00:33:44,805 --> 00:33:47,460 And he's got throngs of fans and sold a billion records. 675 00:33:47,503 --> 00:33:48,809 Anyway, have a nice day." 676 00:33:48,852 --> 00:33:51,942 He goes, "I camped out one time for five days 677 00:33:51,986 --> 00:33:53,509 to get Garth Brooks tickets." 678 00:33:54,641 --> 00:33:56,077 I'm like, "Really? 679 00:33:56,121 --> 00:34:00,342 I wouldn't camp out for five days if I was camping." 680 00:34:00,386 --> 00:34:03,606 [audience laughs] 681 00:34:03,650 --> 00:34:06,653 [audience applauds] 682 00:34:13,573 --> 00:34:16,750 I told that story three weeks ago in Nashville, nothing. 683 00:34:16,793 --> 00:34:18,534 [audience laughs] 684 00:34:18,578 --> 00:34:20,145 Like I just told a big Jesus joke 685 00:34:20,188 --> 00:34:21,537 in the middle of Bethlehem. 686 00:34:23,757 --> 00:34:25,846 This guy actually accosted me after the show. 687 00:34:25,889 --> 00:34:27,717 He goes, "You don't understand Garth Brooks." 688 00:34:27,761 --> 00:34:29,458 I'm like, "Yeah, I do." 689 00:34:30,764 --> 00:34:31,895 He goes, "No, you don't. 690 00:34:31,939 --> 00:34:33,984 He's country and he's rock and roll." 691 00:34:35,464 --> 00:34:36,422 I know. 692 00:34:36,465 --> 00:34:38,598 [audience laughs] 693 00:34:38,641 --> 00:34:41,209 "He's like Led Zeppelin with a big ass big belt buckle. 694 00:34:41,253 --> 00:34:43,385 He's like Aerosmith with a can of Skoal. 695 00:34:43,429 --> 00:34:46,214 He's Donnie, and he's Marie." 696 00:34:46,258 --> 00:34:47,650 [audience laughs] 697 00:34:47,694 --> 00:34:49,087 "Take him camping with ya." 698 00:34:50,088 --> 00:34:52,916 [audience cheers] 699 00:35:00,098 --> 00:35:03,884 I married a rich woman, if you ever have a choice, 700 00:35:03,927 --> 00:35:04,754 go ahead. 701 00:35:05,929 --> 00:35:06,713 Actually, that's a lie. 702 00:35:06,756 --> 00:35:07,627 She's not rich at all. 703 00:35:07,670 --> 00:35:12,588 Her parents are lo-ded-duh. 704 00:35:14,895 --> 00:35:16,679 and they hate my gu-uh-uts, 705 00:35:21,206 --> 00:35:22,990 and I'm waiting for them to die-ie. 706 00:35:27,125 --> 00:35:28,952 And you'll know if they die, too, 707 00:35:28,996 --> 00:35:31,781 'cause you'll never see my fat ass again. 708 00:35:31,825 --> 00:35:34,654 [audience laughs] 709 00:35:39,659 --> 00:35:40,790 I hear a lot of this. 710 00:35:40,834 --> 00:35:42,009 I hear a lot of, 711 00:35:42,052 --> 00:35:43,880 well, Ron, you're pretty good sized ol' boy. 712 00:35:43,924 --> 00:35:47,493 Well, I guess your wife's a good coo-ook. 713 00:35:47,536 --> 00:35:49,103 [audience laughs] 714 00:35:49,147 --> 00:35:52,933 Bullshi-it. 715 00:35:52,976 --> 00:35:54,456 Oh, it got a little better 716 00:35:54,500 --> 00:35:57,329 when she figured out that smoke alarm's not a timer. 717 00:35:57,372 --> 00:36:00,332 [audience applauds] 718 00:36:04,423 --> 00:36:05,946 I had to tell her, "Honey, 719 00:36:05,989 --> 00:36:09,167 the food is done before that particular buzzer goes off." 720 00:36:10,429 --> 00:36:11,908 It was real bad when we first got married. 721 00:36:11,952 --> 00:36:14,737 The first meal she cooked in our new house, 722 00:36:14,781 --> 00:36:16,174 I couldn't eat it. 723 00:36:16,217 --> 00:36:18,437 I couldn't even tell you what it was. 724 00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:20,047 I gave it to my dog, Sluggo. 725 00:36:20,090 --> 00:36:22,180 He started licking his butt. 726 00:36:25,922 --> 00:36:27,489 She comes in and goes, "What's he doing?" 727 00:36:27,533 --> 00:36:29,361 I'm like, "Look like he's trying 728 00:36:29,404 --> 00:36:31,841 to get the taste out of his mouth." 729 00:36:31,885 --> 00:36:35,018 [audience laughs] 730 00:36:35,062 --> 00:36:37,891 [audience cheers] 731 00:36:45,377 --> 00:36:47,335 Everything's an emergency with my wife, 732 00:36:47,379 --> 00:36:48,989 'cause she never had to deal with her own problems. 733 00:36:49,032 --> 00:36:50,643 Spoiled, catered to her whole life. 734 00:36:50,686 --> 00:36:51,905 There's no cure for that. 735 00:36:51,948 --> 00:36:55,082 That ain't gonna get better later, I fear. 736 00:36:55,125 --> 00:36:57,519 [audience laughs] 737 00:36:57,563 --> 00:36:59,652 I was in Atlanta one time and she calls me one night 738 00:36:59,695 --> 00:37:00,696 and missed me in the hotel room. 739 00:37:00,740 --> 00:37:02,263 They catch me in the lobby 740 00:37:02,307 --> 00:37:05,527 and tell me I have an emergency phone call from home. 741 00:37:05,571 --> 00:37:09,139 I knocked over 10 people in the lobby of a very nice hotel, 742 00:37:09,183 --> 00:37:12,447 thinking maybe my in-laws... 743 00:37:12,491 --> 00:37:15,711 [audience laughs] 744 00:37:15,755 --> 00:37:18,584 [audience cheers] 745 00:37:22,065 --> 00:37:25,591 I call her, she tells me my dog, Sluggo, 746 00:37:25,634 --> 00:37:27,767 just took a dump on the new carpet. 747 00:37:29,551 --> 00:37:30,770 I'm like, "Shoot him." 748 00:37:32,772 --> 00:37:35,296 She goes, "That's just like you, Ron. 749 00:37:35,340 --> 00:37:39,561 I have a genuine problem, and you're being sarcastic." 750 00:37:42,129 --> 00:37:43,913 "All right, honey, I'm sorry. 751 00:37:45,785 --> 00:37:48,396 Put the dog on the phone, I'll talk to him." 752 00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:51,269 [audience laughs] 753 00:37:54,620 --> 00:37:56,709 What do you want me to do? 754 00:37:56,752 --> 00:38:00,103 I'm in Georgia. 755 00:38:00,147 --> 00:38:02,280 I can't pick up the turd. 756 00:38:07,850 --> 00:38:10,853 "Put a paper towel over it, I'll be home in a week, honey" 757 00:38:13,856 --> 00:38:15,728 I get home, it looks like a little campground 758 00:38:15,771 --> 00:38:16,685 in the living room, 759 00:38:17,860 --> 00:38:19,122 like they're waiting to buy tickets 760 00:38:19,166 --> 00:38:21,386 to a miniature Garth Brooks concert. 761 00:38:22,300 --> 00:38:25,128 [audience cheers] 762 00:38:31,874 --> 00:38:33,789 Let him outside. 763 00:38:33,833 --> 00:38:35,313 He'll crap out there. 764 00:38:36,226 --> 00:38:37,924 I've seen him do it. 765 00:38:37,967 --> 00:38:40,796 [audience laughs] 766 00:38:42,798 --> 00:38:44,017 When I first met my wife, 767 00:38:44,060 --> 00:38:45,975 she had this 15 year old Scottish terrier 768 00:38:46,019 --> 00:38:47,325 and it was kind of wobbly. 769 00:38:48,500 --> 00:38:49,718 And the first time I saw the dog, 770 00:38:49,762 --> 00:38:51,590 I was like, oh, this dog's about to die, 771 00:38:52,939 --> 00:38:54,201 and I don't want to go through the death of this dog 772 00:38:54,244 --> 00:38:55,637 with this woman, I just met her. 773 00:38:55,681 --> 00:38:59,815 Sure enough, two weeks later, clunk, dead, 774 00:38:59,859 --> 00:39:02,296 and she's inconsolable, in bed, crying. 775 00:39:02,340 --> 00:39:05,081 I've seen people lose it over the death of a pet, 776 00:39:05,125 --> 00:39:06,822 but this dog lived for 15 years. 777 00:39:06,866 --> 00:39:08,607 If you want to beat that by very much, 778 00:39:08,650 --> 00:39:11,958 you've got to get a tortoise or a tree. 779 00:39:12,001 --> 00:39:13,699 [audience laughs] 780 00:39:13,742 --> 00:39:15,788 And she's just losing it, and I don't know what to do, 781 00:39:15,831 --> 00:39:17,833 and I call Foxworthy and I tell Foxworthy, 782 00:39:17,877 --> 00:39:19,008 I said, "Buddy, I'm lost here." 783 00:39:19,052 --> 00:39:20,488 He goes, "Get her another dog," 784 00:39:20,532 --> 00:39:21,663 or however he talks. 785 00:39:22,490 --> 00:39:25,363 [audience laughs] 786 00:39:33,371 --> 00:39:35,285 So, I tell her, I said, "Honey, I'll get you another dog," 787 00:39:35,329 --> 00:39:36,199 and she just loses it. 788 00:39:36,243 --> 00:39:37,331 "I don't want another dog. 789 00:39:37,375 --> 00:39:38,680 I never want another dog. 790 00:39:38,724 --> 00:39:40,203 I want my Tati back." 791 00:39:40,247 --> 00:39:41,248 I'm like, yeesh. 792 00:39:42,554 --> 00:39:43,859 So, I listened to it for like a week, 793 00:39:43,903 --> 00:39:44,773 and I'm like, you know what? 794 00:39:44,817 --> 00:39:46,340 I'm gonna get another dog. 795 00:39:46,384 --> 00:39:48,211 So, I find this place that raises Scotties where we live, 796 00:39:48,255 --> 00:39:50,257 not too far, and I get her in the car 797 00:39:50,300 --> 00:39:51,214 and I tell her where we're going, 798 00:39:51,258 --> 00:39:51,998 and at first, she's against it. 799 00:39:52,041 --> 00:39:53,303 "I don't want a dog. 800 00:39:53,347 --> 00:39:54,609 I never want another dog. 801 00:39:54,653 --> 00:39:55,741 I want my Tati." 802 00:39:56,655 --> 00:39:58,396 But we get down there, right? 803 00:39:58,439 --> 00:39:59,875 She sees them all hopping in the window, 804 00:39:59,919 --> 00:40:02,182 pick me, pick me, you know? 805 00:40:02,225 --> 00:40:03,749 [audience laughs] 806 00:40:03,792 --> 00:40:05,664 And I buy her this little black Scottish terrier puppy, 807 00:40:05,707 --> 00:40:10,016 and I give it to her, and folks, it heals her heart. 808 00:40:11,017 --> 00:40:13,454 It heals her heart. 809 00:40:13,498 --> 00:40:15,543 Well, two weeks ago, her father passed away, 810 00:40:15,587 --> 00:40:18,503 and I'm like, I think I see a way out of this. 811 00:40:18,546 --> 00:40:21,419 [audience laughs] 812 00:40:22,768 --> 00:40:24,334 So, I get her in the car. 813 00:40:24,378 --> 00:40:26,554 She doesn't know we're going to the old folks home, right? 814 00:40:26,598 --> 00:40:29,601 [audience applauds] 815 00:40:30,819 --> 00:40:32,560 And when I tell her, at first, she's against it. 816 00:40:32,604 --> 00:40:34,214 "I don't want a new daddy. 817 00:40:34,257 --> 00:40:35,824 I don't want a new daddy." 818 00:40:36,782 --> 00:40:37,957 But we get down there, 819 00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:39,349 she sees them all hopping in the window, 820 00:40:39,393 --> 00:40:41,134 pick me, pick me. 821 00:40:41,177 --> 00:40:43,484 [audience laughs] 822 00:40:43,528 --> 00:40:44,964 She wanted a black one. 823 00:40:45,007 --> 00:40:47,575 I'm like, keep it simple, that's what I'd do. 824 00:40:47,619 --> 00:40:49,490 [audience laughs] 825 00:40:49,534 --> 00:40:52,624 [audience cheers] 826 00:40:52,667 --> 00:40:53,929 Nothing wrong with it. 827 00:40:53,973 --> 00:40:55,844 Think it through, though, you know? 828 00:40:55,888 --> 00:40:57,411 He acts weird when I'm in the room, 829 00:40:57,455 --> 00:41:00,632 but I think it's because he smells my daddy on me. 830 00:41:00,675 --> 00:41:03,461 [audience laughs] 831 00:41:05,332 --> 00:41:06,289 I'm a dog lover. 832 00:41:07,334 --> 00:41:10,946 [audience cheers] 833 00:41:10,990 --> 00:41:12,208 Actually, I love my dog. 834 00:41:12,252 --> 00:41:13,732 I don't care about your dog at all. 835 00:41:13,775 --> 00:41:15,385 I really don't. 836 00:41:15,429 --> 00:41:17,518 I don't know if that's enough to make me a dog lover or not. 837 00:41:17,562 --> 00:41:18,998 We have three dogs. 838 00:41:19,041 --> 00:41:20,782 We have two Scottie's, and then my dog's a bulldog, 839 00:41:20,826 --> 00:41:23,176 Sluggo, English bulldog. 840 00:41:23,219 --> 00:41:24,525 [audience cheers] 841 00:41:24,569 --> 00:41:26,788 You know what I do to him when he's asleep? 842 00:41:26,832 --> 00:41:30,313 I lift up those big, old, huge bulldog jowls 843 00:41:30,357 --> 00:41:32,751 and I hide M&Ms and crap in there. 844 00:41:32,794 --> 00:41:35,841 [audience laughs] 845 00:41:35,884 --> 00:41:37,103 He wakes up in the morning. 846 00:41:37,146 --> 00:41:39,148 He's like, [slurps] 847 00:41:39,192 --> 00:41:41,934 gonna be a good day, Tater. 848 00:41:41,977 --> 00:41:44,806 [audience cheers] 849 00:41:52,205 --> 00:41:53,380 He calls me Tater. 850 00:41:55,034 --> 00:41:56,514 Great dog. 851 00:41:56,557 --> 00:41:58,037 I studded him out last year for pick of the litter, 852 00:41:58,080 --> 00:41:59,647 and I put him with a female dog for a couple of weeks, 853 00:41:59,691 --> 00:42:00,866 'cause every once in a while, 854 00:42:00,909 --> 00:42:01,954 you just feel like getting your dog laid. 855 00:42:01,997 --> 00:42:03,956 You know, he hadn't been laid. 856 00:42:03,999 --> 00:42:05,958 He's been in the backyard for two years, shaking. 857 00:42:06,001 --> 00:42:07,176 Do you know somebody, Tater? 858 00:42:07,220 --> 00:42:08,438 Is there somebody you could call? 859 00:42:08,482 --> 00:42:12,051 Could you throw a poodle over the fence, buddy? 860 00:42:12,094 --> 00:42:14,532 I'm turning blue back here. 861 00:42:14,575 --> 00:42:17,186 [audience laughs] 862 00:42:17,230 --> 00:42:18,492 Then, to make sure it took, 863 00:42:18,536 --> 00:42:20,363 I took him down to the veterinarian's office 864 00:42:20,407 --> 00:42:23,758 and had artificial insemination done twice. 865 00:42:23,802 --> 00:42:25,064 Now, for those of you that don't know, 866 00:42:25,107 --> 00:42:27,196 that's where they obtain the semen from Sluggo 867 00:42:27,240 --> 00:42:29,024 and put it in the female dog, 868 00:42:29,068 --> 00:42:31,200 and now it's pretty easy to get old Sluggo 869 00:42:31,244 --> 00:42:32,593 to go to the vet. 870 00:42:33,594 --> 00:42:36,423 [audience laughs] 871 00:42:40,079 --> 00:42:42,603 You say something around my house that sounds like vet, 872 00:42:42,647 --> 00:42:44,692 Sluggo's humping air. 873 00:42:44,736 --> 00:42:47,565 [audience laughs] 874 00:42:50,611 --> 00:42:52,918 I went down there, the veterinarian had the audacity 875 00:42:52,961 --> 00:42:55,094 to say to me, "Mr. White, if you'll just come on back here, 876 00:42:55,137 --> 00:42:56,617 we'll show you how to do this, 877 00:42:56,661 --> 00:42:57,879 and next time, you don't have to bring in the dog. 878 00:42:57,923 --> 00:42:59,228 You can just bring in the semen." 879 00:42:59,272 --> 00:43:01,274 I was like, "That's okay. 880 00:43:01,317 --> 00:43:03,493 [audience laughs] 881 00:43:03,537 --> 00:43:05,844 He follows me around too much as it is." 882 00:43:08,150 --> 00:43:11,153 [audience applauds] 883 00:43:13,199 --> 00:43:16,724 Two months ago, he ran away, and he was gone for 10 hours. 884 00:43:16,768 --> 00:43:20,772 All day, and when he got home, just to piss him off, 885 00:43:20,815 --> 00:43:22,121 took him for a walk. 886 00:43:23,688 --> 00:43:24,471 You guys were great. 887 00:43:24,514 --> 00:43:25,733 I hope you enjoyed it. 888 00:43:25,777 --> 00:43:28,431 This has been fun. [audience cheers] 889 00:43:44,404 --> 00:43:47,450 Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jeff Foxworthy. 890 00:43:47,494 --> 00:43:50,149 [upbeat music] 891 00:43:50,192 --> 00:43:53,021 [audience cheers] 892 00:44:02,596 --> 00:44:03,771 - Thank you very much. 893 00:44:03,815 --> 00:44:05,643 Ron White, everybody. 894 00:44:05,686 --> 00:44:08,515 [audience cheers] 895 00:44:11,605 --> 00:44:13,738 Thank you very much. 896 00:44:13,781 --> 00:44:15,304 Thank you very much. 897 00:44:15,348 --> 00:44:19,134 Man, it is so cool to be back together with these guys, 898 00:44:19,178 --> 00:44:21,136 doing this, you know? 899 00:44:21,180 --> 00:44:25,271 I swear. [audience cheers] 900 00:44:25,314 --> 00:44:30,102 'Cause this is a group where I know I fit in, you know? 901 00:44:30,145 --> 00:44:31,756 'Cause they way the world is now, 902 00:44:31,799 --> 00:44:33,845 you can be part of a group and not even know 903 00:44:33,888 --> 00:44:35,803 you're a part of a group until you read about it 904 00:44:35,847 --> 00:44:37,675 or see it on TV, and I'll give you an example 905 00:44:37,718 --> 00:44:39,154 of what I'm talking about. 906 00:44:39,198 --> 00:44:41,635 My wife and I, we love watching, like, Dateline, 907 00:44:41,679 --> 00:44:43,158 20/20, those shows, 908 00:44:43,202 --> 00:44:46,988 but you know how every week they will feature a disease, 909 00:44:47,032 --> 00:44:49,295 and I swear to you, every week, 910 00:44:49,338 --> 00:44:53,212 no matter what the disease is, my wife has it. 911 00:44:54,387 --> 00:44:55,780 There'll be three people on the planet 912 00:44:55,823 --> 00:44:58,696 that have this disease, my wife is one of them. 913 00:44:58,739 --> 00:45:00,045 She just watches it going, 914 00:45:02,482 --> 00:45:03,744 "I've got it. 915 00:45:05,006 --> 00:45:07,356 I have every one of those symptoms." 916 00:45:07,400 --> 00:45:10,490 I'm like, "You do not have testicular cancer." 917 00:45:10,533 --> 00:45:13,362 [audience laughs] 918 00:45:15,495 --> 00:45:18,193 You don't even have testiculars. 919 00:45:18,237 --> 00:45:19,760 [audience laughs] 920 00:45:19,804 --> 00:45:23,024 But they've made us such a bunch of paranoid nuts, 921 00:45:23,068 --> 00:45:25,157 you know, because when I was growing up, 922 00:45:25,200 --> 00:45:26,375 there were two medicines in the world. 923 00:45:26,419 --> 00:45:28,464 You had aspirin and Campho-Phenique. 924 00:45:28,508 --> 00:45:29,727 That's all there was. 925 00:45:30,945 --> 00:45:32,642 Now there's so many medicines, 926 00:45:32,686 --> 00:45:34,296 and they got this prescription stuff 927 00:45:34,340 --> 00:45:36,342 that they advertise on TV, and I swear, 928 00:45:36,385 --> 00:45:39,214 half the time, the side effects are 50 times worse 929 00:45:39,258 --> 00:45:40,738 than what the medicine cures. 930 00:45:41,608 --> 00:45:44,437 [audience cheers] 931 00:45:46,831 --> 00:45:48,615 It's like, try new Floraflor. 932 00:45:48,658 --> 00:45:51,400 For itchy, watery eyes, it's Floraflor. 933 00:45:51,444 --> 00:45:53,576 Side effects may include nausea, vomiting, 934 00:45:53,620 --> 00:45:55,143 water weight gain, lower back pain, 935 00:45:55,187 --> 00:45:58,059 receding hairline, eczema, seborrhea psoriasis, 936 00:45:58,103 --> 00:45:59,844 itching, chafing clothing, liver spots, 937 00:45:59,887 --> 00:46:02,324 blood clots, ringworm, excessive body odor, 938 00:46:02,368 --> 00:46:05,110 uneven tire wear, pyorrhea, gonorrhea, diarrhea, 939 00:46:05,153 --> 00:46:09,070 halitosis, scoliosis, loss of bladder control, 940 00:46:09,114 --> 00:46:12,204 hammertoe, the shanks, low sperm count, 941 00:46:12,247 --> 00:46:14,380 warped floors, cluttered drawers, hunchback, 942 00:46:14,423 --> 00:46:17,557 heart attack, low resell value on your home, 943 00:46:17,600 --> 00:46:19,341 [audience laughs] 944 00:46:19,385 --> 00:46:21,256 feline leukemia, athlete's foot, 945 00:46:21,300 --> 00:46:23,781 head lice, club foot, MS, MD, VD, 946 00:46:23,824 --> 00:46:27,262 fleas, anxiety, sleeplessness, drowsiness, poor gas mileage, 947 00:46:27,306 --> 00:46:30,613 tooth decay, parvo, warts, unibrow, lazy eye, 948 00:46:30,657 --> 00:46:32,224 fruit flies, chest pains, clogged drains, 949 00:46:32,267 --> 00:46:34,792 hemorrhoids, dry heaving, and sexual dysfunction. 950 00:46:36,619 --> 00:46:39,448 [audience cheers] 951 00:46:45,498 --> 00:46:46,891 I'm watching it going, you know what? 952 00:46:46,934 --> 00:46:48,980 I'll just have itchy, watery eyes. 953 00:46:50,895 --> 00:46:52,287 And some the side effects, 954 00:46:52,331 --> 00:46:54,202 have you seen the commercial for Cialis, 955 00:46:54,246 --> 00:46:56,117 the Viagra knockoff? 956 00:46:56,161 --> 00:46:57,466 In the commercial, they will tell you, 957 00:46:57,510 --> 00:46:59,251 if this pill does what it should 958 00:46:59,294 --> 00:47:01,253 and you have this condition 959 00:47:01,296 --> 00:47:05,648 for longer than four continuous hours, 960 00:47:05,692 --> 00:47:07,825 you should go to the hospital. 961 00:47:08,695 --> 00:47:09,609 You know what? 962 00:47:09,652 --> 00:47:11,219 I might go to the hospital, 963 00:47:11,263 --> 00:47:14,440 but I'm wearing that little gown they give you backwards, 964 00:47:14,483 --> 00:47:16,007 [audience laughs] 965 00:47:16,050 --> 00:47:18,183 and walkin' the halls, baby. 966 00:47:19,184 --> 00:47:22,013 [audience cheers] 967 00:47:26,321 --> 00:47:27,496 How you doin'? 968 00:47:28,846 --> 00:47:30,543 Who's got a flag? 969 00:47:32,153 --> 00:47:33,851 Hey, you want to hang that coat up? 970 00:47:38,464 --> 00:47:41,032 The worst side effect I've seen, there's this diet pill, 971 00:47:41,075 --> 00:47:45,036 and one of the side effects that they list is anal seepage. 972 00:47:46,428 --> 00:47:49,344 You know, I don't care how much weight you lose, 973 00:47:49,388 --> 00:47:50,911 if this side effect kicks in, 974 00:47:50,955 --> 00:47:53,087 you ain't looking good in them jeans. 975 00:47:54,393 --> 00:47:56,177 Oh, man, check out the girl over there. 976 00:47:56,221 --> 00:47:57,352 Ah, man! 977 00:47:57,396 --> 00:48:00,225 [audience laughs] 978 00:48:02,401 --> 00:48:03,881 Anal seepage. 979 00:48:05,143 --> 00:48:06,971 It's not even fun to say, 980 00:48:08,233 --> 00:48:11,889 much less write on an insurance report, 981 00:48:11,932 --> 00:48:14,152 and not medical insurance, homeowners, 982 00:48:14,195 --> 00:48:16,197 to explain why your sofa's sitting 983 00:48:16,241 --> 00:48:18,939 at the end of the driveway. 984 00:48:18,983 --> 00:48:21,811 [audience laughs] 985 00:48:23,204 --> 00:48:25,250 There are some goofy medical things out there. 986 00:48:25,293 --> 00:48:27,295 They had a guy on Ripley's Believe It or Not 987 00:48:27,339 --> 00:48:29,994 about a year ago, that, in a tragic accident, 988 00:48:30,037 --> 00:48:33,736 got his happy place chopped off, 989 00:48:33,780 --> 00:48:35,825 and his doctor, in a fit of brilliance, 990 00:48:35,869 --> 00:48:39,525 decided they were going to cut the man's finger off 991 00:48:39,568 --> 00:48:43,746 and use it to create a new happy place. 992 00:48:43,790 --> 00:48:45,226 And I'm sitting there watching this, 993 00:48:45,270 --> 00:48:46,445 thinking, I want to see this guy 994 00:48:46,488 --> 00:48:49,274 put his contact lenses in. 995 00:48:49,317 --> 00:48:51,580 [audience applauds] 996 00:48:51,624 --> 00:48:55,497 And this is not the man you ask directions from. 997 00:48:55,541 --> 00:48:57,064 Well, take a right out of the parking lot, 998 00:48:57,108 --> 00:48:59,501 then they're gonna have to make a U-turn. 999 00:48:59,545 --> 00:49:00,763 That's okay. 1000 00:49:00,807 --> 00:49:01,416 We'll find it by ourselves, thanks. 1001 00:49:01,460 --> 00:49:03,288 Thanks. 1002 00:49:03,331 --> 00:49:06,160 [audience cheers] 1003 00:49:08,336 --> 00:49:12,645 Can you imagine the pre-surgery consultation? 1004 00:49:12,688 --> 00:49:13,951 The doctor going, 1005 00:49:13,994 --> 00:49:15,256 "Well, I think we're gonna attempt to do 1006 00:49:15,300 --> 00:49:16,997 is to remove one of your fingers 1007 00:49:17,041 --> 00:49:20,870 and use it to create a new happy place for you." 1008 00:49:21,915 --> 00:49:23,221 "One of my fingers? 1009 00:49:24,700 --> 00:49:26,876 It ain't gonna be my pinky, is it, doc? 1010 00:49:28,313 --> 00:49:30,880 'Cause, listen, I don't use my left arm all that much. 1011 00:49:30,924 --> 00:49:35,189 Y'all can go ahead and take it right there at the shoulder." 1012 00:49:35,233 --> 00:49:38,236 [audience applauds] 1013 00:49:41,979 --> 00:49:44,372 You know, probably my favorite channel on TV 1014 00:49:44,416 --> 00:49:45,983 is the Outdoor Channel, 1015 00:49:46,026 --> 00:49:47,462 'cause I've always loved the outdoors, 1016 00:49:47,506 --> 00:49:49,160 hunting and fishing and stuff. 1017 00:49:49,203 --> 00:49:50,378 [audience cheers] 1018 00:49:50,422 --> 00:49:51,292 I'm addicted to the Outdoor Channel, 1019 00:49:51,336 --> 00:49:52,554 just because it's amazing, 1020 00:49:52,598 --> 00:49:54,469 the footage they get of these animals. 1021 00:49:54,513 --> 00:49:56,689 Like, you'll see things like, 1022 00:49:56,732 --> 00:49:58,169 "All right, we're down here deer hunting 1023 00:49:58,212 --> 00:50:00,127 at the Pearl's Ranch in South Texas, 1024 00:50:00,171 --> 00:50:05,132 and there's a giant 14-point buck eight yards away from us." 1025 00:50:05,176 --> 00:50:07,004 You know, and that's fascinating to watch, 1026 00:50:07,047 --> 00:50:10,920 but that is not the kind of hunting I grew up with, 1027 00:50:10,964 --> 00:50:14,228 'cause if they had filmed us, it would have been more like. 1028 00:50:14,272 --> 00:50:15,925 "All right, uh, 1029 00:50:17,101 --> 00:50:21,540 we're out here hunting on somebody's property. 1030 00:50:21,583 --> 00:50:23,890 [audience laughs] 1031 00:50:23,933 --> 00:50:26,197 And right now we can see this deer, 1032 00:50:26,240 --> 00:50:28,416 or either a real little cow, 1033 00:50:30,679 --> 00:50:33,508 so I'm gonna see if I can ease my window down 1034 00:50:33,552 --> 00:50:37,208 real quiet-like. [audience cheers] 1035 00:50:41,690 --> 00:50:44,563 Get the gun and see if I can't get it out. 1036 00:50:47,131 --> 00:50:48,958 Wait a minute, Danny, 1037 00:50:49,002 --> 00:50:50,090 hold my beer. 1038 00:50:51,396 --> 00:50:54,225 [audience cheers] 1039 00:50:57,837 --> 00:51:00,927 All right, I'm having a hard time getting steady on him. 1040 00:51:02,755 --> 00:51:05,671 Danny, you and Charlene, knock it off back there, man. 1041 00:51:09,240 --> 00:51:10,763 All right, there he is. 1042 00:51:10,806 --> 00:51:14,114 I got him. [imitates explosion] 1043 00:51:14,158 --> 00:51:16,160 Oh, man. 1044 00:51:16,203 --> 00:51:18,292 That wasn't a deer. 1045 00:51:18,336 --> 00:51:20,207 That was a propane tank. 1046 00:51:20,251 --> 00:51:22,383 [audience laughs] 1047 00:51:22,427 --> 00:51:24,777 Oh, and that lady is mad. 1048 00:51:26,213 --> 00:51:28,737 That's Mama, that's our propane tank!" 1049 00:51:29,825 --> 00:51:32,828 [audience applauds] 1050 00:51:35,222 --> 00:51:37,311 Now, of course, my wife's favorite TV show 1051 00:51:37,355 --> 00:51:38,834 is the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy". 1052 00:51:38,878 --> 00:51:40,575 My wife loves that show. 1053 00:51:40,619 --> 00:51:42,490 [audience cheers] 1054 00:51:42,534 --> 00:51:44,231 Lot of women like that one. 1055 00:51:44,275 --> 00:51:45,537 Guys, you know what I'm talking about? 1056 00:51:45,580 --> 00:51:47,104 If you haven't seen it, 1057 00:51:47,147 --> 00:51:49,889 it's the show where women will dump their boyfriend off 1058 00:51:49,932 --> 00:51:51,717 for the weekend with five gay guys, 1059 00:51:51,760 --> 00:51:53,806 and then they take him and they buy him new clothes 1060 00:51:53,849 --> 00:51:55,938 and they get his hair cut and they clean up his apartment. 1061 00:51:55,982 --> 00:51:58,376 And I told my wife, I said, "This only works one way. 1062 00:51:58,419 --> 00:52:00,769 Men would not be allowed to dump our girlfriends off 1063 00:52:00,813 --> 00:52:02,554 for the weekend with five hookers and say, 1064 00:52:02,597 --> 00:52:05,252 'Just slut her up, just a little bit, you know?'" 1065 00:52:05,296 --> 00:52:08,125 [audience cheers] 1066 00:52:12,041 --> 00:52:13,565 But I told my wife, I said, 1067 00:52:13,608 --> 00:52:16,481 "What I would like to see them do is flip flop that show 1068 00:52:16,524 --> 00:52:17,960 and put it on the Outdoor Channel, 1069 00:52:18,004 --> 00:52:20,006 and let like five rednecks take the gay guy 1070 00:52:20,049 --> 00:52:22,400 deer hunting for the weekend, you know?" 1071 00:52:22,443 --> 00:52:25,272 [audience cheers] 1072 00:52:28,188 --> 00:52:30,103 "Hey, friends, we're down here at the hunting camp 1073 00:52:30,147 --> 00:52:31,757 with our new buddy, Eric, 1074 00:52:31,800 --> 00:52:34,325 and last night, Eric was kind enough to make dinner for us. 1075 00:52:34,368 --> 00:52:36,588 Now, what was that you made, Eric? 1076 00:52:36,631 --> 00:52:39,721 A lavash and goat cheese salad. 1077 00:52:41,027 --> 00:52:42,594 Well, to be honest with you, we couldn't eat it, 1078 00:52:42,637 --> 00:52:44,291 but we opened up a can of Hormel chili, 1079 00:52:44,335 --> 00:52:47,425 dumped that on top of it, and it was pretty durn tasty. 1080 00:52:47,468 --> 00:52:49,078 [audience cheers] 1081 00:52:49,122 --> 00:52:50,993 You put that Hormel on top of your head, 1082 00:52:51,037 --> 00:52:52,299 your tongue'll beat your brains out 1083 00:52:52,343 --> 00:52:54,388 trying to get to that stuff. 1084 00:52:54,432 --> 00:52:56,564 Well, after dinner, we went out by the fire pit 1085 00:52:56,608 --> 00:52:58,305 where Buddy Wayne pulled out his guitar 1086 00:52:58,349 --> 00:52:59,741 and played some country songs, 1087 00:52:59,785 --> 00:53:01,830 and then Eric jumped up on the picnic table 1088 00:53:01,874 --> 00:53:05,007 and sang 'It's Raining Men' and a medley of Cher hits. 1089 00:53:06,226 --> 00:53:07,445 Then we came back in the cabin, 1090 00:53:07,488 --> 00:53:09,142 where Eric slept on the couch 1091 00:53:09,186 --> 00:53:11,275 and the five of us locked ourselves in the bunk room 1092 00:53:11,318 --> 00:53:14,234 and pushed the chest of drawers up against the door." 1093 00:53:14,278 --> 00:53:15,453 [audience laughs] 1094 00:53:15,496 --> 00:53:16,454 And I know somebody's gonna hear this and go, 1095 00:53:16,497 --> 00:53:17,933 "Oh, Foxworthy's homophobic." 1096 00:53:17,977 --> 00:53:20,109 Trust me, I am not homophobic. 1097 00:53:20,153 --> 00:53:22,416 And I had a friend point out a real interesting thing to me. 1098 00:53:22,460 --> 00:53:23,591 He said, "Jeff, you ever thought about it? 1099 00:53:23,635 --> 00:53:24,853 There's a lot of similarities 1100 00:53:24,897 --> 00:53:27,595 between gay guys and married guys." 1101 00:53:27,639 --> 00:53:28,509 I said, "You think so?" 1102 00:53:28,553 --> 00:53:30,032 He said, "Well, think about it." 1103 00:53:30,076 --> 00:53:33,166 He said, "If you're a man and you're sleeping in a bed 1104 00:53:33,210 --> 00:53:36,691 that has a dust ruffle on it in seven pillows, 1105 00:53:37,562 --> 00:53:41,348 you're either gay or married. 1106 00:53:41,392 --> 00:53:44,264 [audience laughs] 1107 00:53:44,308 --> 00:53:47,528 [audience cheers] 1108 00:53:47,572 --> 00:53:50,270 If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping 1109 00:53:50,314 --> 00:53:53,055 during a big football game, 1110 00:53:53,099 --> 00:53:56,581 you're either gay or married. 1111 00:53:56,624 --> 00:53:59,236 If you're a man and you cannot remember 1112 00:53:59,279 --> 00:54:02,064 the last time you had sex with a woman, 1113 00:54:03,283 --> 00:54:05,285 You're either gay or married." 1114 00:54:06,504 --> 00:54:09,333 [audience cheers] 1115 00:54:14,990 --> 00:54:17,384 And getting back to my original premise 1116 00:54:17,428 --> 00:54:19,647 about knowing that you're part of a group, 1117 00:54:19,691 --> 00:54:20,909 I was reading this thing the other day 1118 00:54:20,953 --> 00:54:21,997 and it was talking about people being 1119 00:54:22,041 --> 00:54:23,564 part of the Oreo generation, 1120 00:54:23,608 --> 00:54:25,566 and what it was saying was people that waited 1121 00:54:25,610 --> 00:54:28,308 until their mid thirties to have kids, like my wife and I. 1122 00:54:28,352 --> 00:54:30,310 See, 'cause my parents got married when they were like 20. 1123 00:54:30,354 --> 00:54:31,790 I was born nine months to the day 1124 00:54:31,833 --> 00:54:33,748 after my parents were married. 1125 00:54:33,792 --> 00:54:36,925 Nine months to the day, that must've been a ceremony. 1126 00:54:36,969 --> 00:54:38,405 "I do. 1127 00:54:38,449 --> 00:54:40,929 Could you turn around just one minute there, Reverend?" 1128 00:54:40,973 --> 00:54:43,062 [audience laughs] 1129 00:54:43,105 --> 00:54:45,325 But the same people that waited til their mid-thirties, 1130 00:54:45,369 --> 00:54:46,544 it said you're kind of an Oreo 1131 00:54:46,587 --> 00:54:47,936 because you're raising your children 1132 00:54:47,980 --> 00:54:49,547 and you're also raising your parents, 1133 00:54:49,590 --> 00:54:51,113 who, in their elderly age, 1134 00:54:51,157 --> 00:54:53,115 are kind of reverting back to childhood. 1135 00:54:53,159 --> 00:54:54,769 And I told my wife, I said, "You know what this means? 1136 00:54:54,813 --> 00:54:57,032 It means we've got two that are out of diapers 1137 00:54:57,076 --> 00:54:59,600 and two that are going into 'em." 1138 00:54:59,644 --> 00:55:01,167 And as bad as it was with the little ones, 1139 00:55:01,210 --> 00:55:03,256 I can't imagine it's gonna be any more fun 1140 00:55:03,300 --> 00:55:04,170 with the big ones. 1141 00:55:05,345 --> 00:55:06,520 I just don't want to be sitting there, 1142 00:55:06,564 --> 00:55:08,479 watching football with my father-in-law, going, 1143 00:55:10,045 --> 00:55:11,525 [audience laughs] 1144 00:55:11,569 --> 00:55:12,439 "Ed. 1145 00:55:13,484 --> 00:55:15,268 [audience laughs] 1146 00:55:15,312 --> 00:55:16,965 Don't you lie to me, Ed." 1147 00:55:18,663 --> 00:55:22,275 [audience applauds] 1148 00:55:22,319 --> 00:55:25,496 But there are similarities between the kids and the seniors. 1149 00:55:25,539 --> 00:55:26,758 I mean, they both have 1150 00:55:26,801 --> 00:55:30,022 their own special menu at restaurants. 1151 00:55:30,065 --> 00:55:32,633 You've gotta worry about both of them with drugs, 1152 00:55:32,677 --> 00:55:34,331 'cause it's not just the teenager. 1153 00:55:34,374 --> 00:55:36,202 Seniors get ahold of some good stuff. 1154 00:55:37,812 --> 00:55:39,379 The last time we were at my in-laws, 1155 00:55:39,423 --> 00:55:42,034 I made the comment that my sinuses were kind of stopped up, 1156 00:55:42,077 --> 00:55:43,514 and my mother-in-law said, 1157 00:55:43,557 --> 00:55:46,995 "Do you want to stop the sniffles or not feel your head?" 1158 00:55:47,039 --> 00:55:49,868 [audience laughs] 1159 00:55:51,304 --> 00:55:53,654 She opens up her purse and pulls out this little baggie 1160 00:55:53,698 --> 00:55:55,569 that looks like it's full of Skittles 1161 00:55:56,527 --> 00:55:58,659 and grabs this tiny green pill, 1162 00:55:58,703 --> 00:56:02,097 and she said, "Say hello to my little friend." 1163 00:56:02,141 --> 00:56:04,970 [audience laughs] 1164 00:56:07,407 --> 00:56:09,844 I took that pill, I woke up two days later, 1165 00:56:09,888 --> 00:56:13,631 laying in the backyard, talking to Elvis. 1166 00:56:13,674 --> 00:56:15,502 She's at the door, going, "Get up, you baby. 1167 00:56:15,546 --> 00:56:18,766 I take four of those and go to the grocery store." 1168 00:56:18,810 --> 00:56:21,639 [audience laughs] 1169 00:56:24,163 --> 00:56:26,078 You know, and the kids don't listen to you, 1170 00:56:26,121 --> 00:56:28,123 and the seniors can't hear ya. 1171 00:56:29,298 --> 00:56:30,778 My mother-in-law has a hearing aid 1172 00:56:30,822 --> 00:56:32,345 that she only wears about half the time, 1173 00:56:32,389 --> 00:56:33,999 and you could always tell when she's not wearing it, 1174 00:56:34,042 --> 00:56:37,219 because she talks louder than any human being on the planet. 1175 00:56:37,263 --> 00:56:38,438 Four or five months ago, 1176 00:56:38,482 --> 00:56:40,135 we're in line at the movie theater one night, 1177 00:56:40,179 --> 00:56:42,747 and they're with us, and she says to me, 1178 00:56:42,790 --> 00:56:44,575 "Don't look now, 1179 00:56:45,750 --> 00:56:49,318 but the man behind us is cross-eyed as a bat." 1180 00:56:49,362 --> 00:56:52,191 [audience laughs] 1181 00:56:57,892 --> 00:57:00,460 And one, you're embarrassed to death, 1182 00:57:00,504 --> 00:57:04,508 and two, when somebody says something like that, 1183 00:57:04,551 --> 00:57:06,292 you gotta look. 1184 00:57:06,335 --> 00:57:09,164 [audience laughs] 1185 00:57:14,256 --> 00:57:18,260 I turn around and this guy is glaring at me. 1186 00:57:18,304 --> 00:57:19,740 Well, he may not have been glaring at me, 1187 00:57:19,784 --> 00:57:21,742 but he was glaring at somebody. 1188 00:57:21,786 --> 00:57:23,222 This guy was mad. 1189 00:57:24,789 --> 00:57:27,618 [audience cheers] 1190 00:57:29,489 --> 00:57:31,099 You know, and the kids wear their pants 1191 00:57:31,143 --> 00:57:32,405 falling off their butts, 1192 00:57:32,449 --> 00:57:35,364 and the seniors wear 'em up to their armpits. 1193 00:57:35,408 --> 00:57:39,064 My father-in-law got his chest hair caught in his zipper. 1194 00:57:39,107 --> 00:57:41,936 [audience laughs] 1195 00:57:42,850 --> 00:57:44,286 And I look at all this, 1196 00:57:44,330 --> 00:57:46,985 and what makes me scared is I know I'm next in line. 1197 00:57:48,465 --> 00:57:50,467 And let me tell you, I can tell I'm getting older, 1198 00:57:50,510 --> 00:57:51,903 a lot of ways I can tell. 1199 00:57:51,946 --> 00:57:54,906 One, about a year ago, somebody broke into my truck 1200 00:57:54,949 --> 00:57:57,909 and I keep a case in there with like 24 CDs in it. 1201 00:57:57,952 --> 00:58:00,128 They stole three of them. 1202 00:58:00,172 --> 00:58:01,956 [audience laughs] 1203 00:58:02,000 --> 00:58:03,741 Thank God the Anne Murray's still here. 1204 00:58:03,784 --> 00:58:04,959 Where's the "Best of Bread"? 1205 00:58:05,003 --> 00:58:07,396 Where's the "Best of Bread"? 1206 00:58:07,440 --> 00:58:09,355 [audience laughs] 1207 00:58:09,398 --> 00:58:12,489 Two, I have finally broke down and got a recliner. 1208 00:58:12,532 --> 00:58:14,578 I used to always make fun of my dad and his recliner. 1209 00:58:14,621 --> 00:58:18,320 I have a recliner now, and I love it. 1210 00:58:18,364 --> 00:58:20,366 I used to travel the world at a moment's notice. 1211 00:58:20,409 --> 00:58:23,238 I get in that recliner, I'm not getting out of that thing. 1212 00:58:23,282 --> 00:58:24,936 I just wait on people to walk through the house. 1213 00:58:24,979 --> 00:58:25,893 Hey! 1214 00:58:27,504 --> 00:58:29,462 Do me a favor and make me a sandwich. 1215 00:58:31,072 --> 00:58:32,030 I think I smell smoke. 1216 00:58:32,073 --> 00:58:33,510 Is the house on fire? 1217 00:58:34,423 --> 00:58:35,424 [audience laughs] 1218 00:58:35,468 --> 00:58:37,078 Hey, if you see flames, 1219 00:58:37,122 --> 00:58:38,558 there's an extinguisher under the sink in the kitchen there. 1220 00:58:40,038 --> 00:58:41,822 But the worst one, a couple of weeks ago, 1221 00:58:41,866 --> 00:58:44,303 my wife and a few of her friends were making jokes 1222 00:58:44,346 --> 00:58:47,698 and giggling about this product called Astroglide. 1223 00:58:47,741 --> 00:58:50,135 It's this, apparently, 1224 00:58:50,178 --> 00:58:52,920 [audience cheers] 1225 00:58:52,964 --> 00:58:57,185 it is this lubricant that they sell in the drug store 1226 00:58:57,229 --> 00:58:58,796 right next to the condominiums. 1227 00:58:59,666 --> 00:59:02,669 [audience laughs] 1228 00:59:02,713 --> 00:59:04,323 But it's supposed to be really good stuff. 1229 00:59:04,366 --> 00:59:06,760 I mean, apparently you're able to put it on a Cadillac 1230 00:59:06,804 --> 00:59:08,414 and get it in a dog house. 1231 00:59:08,457 --> 00:59:10,982 [audience laughs] 1232 00:59:11,025 --> 00:59:13,854 [audience cheers] 1233 00:59:17,597 --> 00:59:19,381 But as they're talking about it, I swear to you, 1234 00:59:19,425 --> 00:59:21,949 my first thought was, I bet I can put that on the poles 1235 00:59:21,993 --> 00:59:25,387 the bird feeders are on and keep the squirrels off of 'em. 1236 00:59:25,431 --> 00:59:28,260 [audience laughs] 1237 00:59:29,478 --> 00:59:32,394 The squirrels are driving me crazy. 1238 00:59:32,438 --> 00:59:34,396 If you come by my house at five o'clock in the morning, 1239 00:59:34,440 --> 00:59:36,573 you will see me on the back porch in my underwear 1240 00:59:36,616 --> 00:59:38,618 with night vision goggles, holding a BB gun, 1241 00:59:38,662 --> 00:59:41,186 waiting on the squirrels. 1242 00:59:41,229 --> 00:59:44,885 [audience applauds] 1243 00:59:44,929 --> 00:59:48,323 Just embarrasses my kids to death, 1244 00:59:48,367 --> 00:59:50,848 which is the way I believe life is supposed to work. 1245 00:59:50,891 --> 00:59:52,893 The parents are supposed to embarrass the kids, 1246 00:59:52,937 --> 00:59:55,983 and the kids are supposed to embarrass the parents. 1247 00:59:56,027 --> 00:59:58,856 [audience cheers] 1248 01:00:01,032 --> 01:00:03,730 I embarrassed my kids so bad in the last school year. 1249 01:00:03,774 --> 01:00:05,210 I have two daughters. 1250 01:00:05,253 --> 01:00:06,515 I live next door to my brother, who has three daughters, 1251 01:00:06,559 --> 01:00:09,693 so almost every day, I drive them to school. 1252 01:00:09,736 --> 01:00:12,086 And last year, while I was driving them to school, 1253 01:00:12,130 --> 01:00:14,611 we ran out of gas in the carpool lane, 1254 01:00:14,654 --> 01:00:16,917 because my wife does not realize it's actually legal 1255 01:00:16,961 --> 01:00:19,224 for women to purchase gasoline. 1256 01:00:19,267 --> 01:00:21,661 [audience laughs] 1257 01:00:21,705 --> 01:00:23,271 But we run out of gas, 1258 01:00:23,315 --> 01:00:25,796 and people are honking the horn and having to back up 1259 01:00:25,839 --> 01:00:27,580 and go around us, and the kids are just mortified. 1260 01:00:27,624 --> 01:00:28,842 So, the next morning, when I took them, 1261 01:00:28,886 --> 01:00:30,365 I made sure that the tank was just as full 1262 01:00:30,409 --> 01:00:31,628 as it could possibly be, 1263 01:00:31,671 --> 01:00:32,933 and I pull up to the front of the school, 1264 01:00:32,977 --> 01:00:34,413 and they have like these assistant teachers 1265 01:00:34,456 --> 01:00:35,632 that help open the door. 1266 01:00:35,675 --> 01:00:36,894 And I'm not even trying to be funny, 1267 01:00:36,937 --> 01:00:38,373 but as we pull up to the front, 1268 01:00:38,417 --> 01:00:40,462 I roll down the passenger window and yell out, 1269 01:00:40,506 --> 01:00:43,378 "I've got gas this morning!" 1270 01:00:43,422 --> 01:00:44,684 [audience laughs] 1271 01:00:44,728 --> 01:00:47,382 And the kids are like, "Oh, God, just go home. 1272 01:00:47,426 --> 01:00:48,906 Just go home." 1273 01:00:49,907 --> 01:00:52,866 [audience applauds] 1274 01:00:55,129 --> 01:00:57,349 But, see, then they turned around and embarrassed me, 1275 01:00:57,392 --> 01:00:59,481 because they're reaching this age where 1276 01:00:59,525 --> 01:01:01,353 I think they have a natural curiosity 1277 01:01:01,396 --> 01:01:03,703 that's starting to develop, and bless their hearts, 1278 01:01:03,747 --> 01:01:05,879 you know, they have no brothers or boy cousins 1279 01:01:05,923 --> 01:01:08,316 to check out anything on. 1280 01:01:08,360 --> 01:01:10,971 But I can tell that they're at this age, 1281 01:01:11,015 --> 01:01:12,625 because, y'all, when I get in the shower, 1282 01:01:12,669 --> 01:01:15,019 there is nobody else in that bathroom. 1283 01:01:15,062 --> 01:01:16,673 Now, when I get out of the shower, 1284 01:01:16,716 --> 01:01:18,936 there are five little girls just loitering. 1285 01:01:20,241 --> 01:01:23,767 [audience laughs] 1286 01:01:23,810 --> 01:01:25,029 So, finally I confront them. 1287 01:01:25,072 --> 01:01:28,162 I said, "Why are all of you in this bathroom?" 1288 01:01:28,206 --> 01:01:29,598 And my youngest one, who's really funny, 1289 01:01:29,642 --> 01:01:32,166 she said, "We're trying to see a hoo-hoo." 1290 01:01:32,210 --> 01:01:34,691 [audience laughs] 1291 01:01:34,734 --> 01:01:35,866 I said, "Well, I'm gonna tell you 1292 01:01:35,909 --> 01:01:38,825 all you need to know about hoo-hoos. 1293 01:01:38,869 --> 01:01:42,699 Hoo-hoos are extremely poisonous." 1294 01:01:42,742 --> 01:01:45,571 [audience laughs] 1295 01:01:47,225 --> 01:01:48,922 And without missing a beat, she said, 1296 01:01:48,966 --> 01:01:52,186 "They are not, or the dog would be dead." 1297 01:01:52,230 --> 01:01:55,712 [audience laughs] 1298 01:01:55,755 --> 01:01:58,715 [audience applauds] 1299 01:02:05,722 --> 01:02:08,028 I hate a smart kid, I swear. 1300 01:02:09,421 --> 01:02:10,857 But the cool thing that's happened to me 1301 01:02:10,901 --> 01:02:12,554 from living with all these women is, through the years, 1302 01:02:12,598 --> 01:02:14,905 I've learned a ton of things about women. 1303 01:02:14,948 --> 01:02:17,211 And one of the things that I've recently realized 1304 01:02:17,255 --> 01:02:20,867 is that men and women both appreciate smells, 1305 01:02:20,911 --> 01:02:24,349 but we do not appreciate the same kinds of smells. 1306 01:02:25,785 --> 01:02:30,355 Women apparently appreciate pleasant smells, like flowers. 1307 01:02:31,530 --> 01:02:32,705 You give a woman a bouquet of flowers, 1308 01:02:32,749 --> 01:02:33,619 they're like, [sniffs] 1309 01:02:33,662 --> 01:02:36,056 "Oh, that smells like heaven." 1310 01:02:36,100 --> 01:02:37,492 You give a man a bouquet of flowers, 1311 01:02:37,536 --> 01:02:40,452 we're like, [sniffs] "Smells like 50 bucks." 1312 01:02:41,322 --> 01:02:42,759 [audience laughs] 1313 01:02:42,802 --> 01:02:45,152 But women love flowers and perfume and potpourri 1314 01:02:45,196 --> 01:02:48,460 and those scented candles. 1315 01:02:48,503 --> 01:02:53,334 You know, you just never see men in a Wicks 'N' Sticks. 1316 01:02:53,378 --> 01:02:54,683 Hey, Jack! 1317 01:02:54,727 --> 01:02:58,165 [audience laughs] 1318 01:02:58,209 --> 01:02:58,992 Bayberry. 1319 01:03:01,952 --> 01:03:04,128 But women spend billions of dollars 1320 01:03:04,171 --> 01:03:05,607 on things that smell good, 1321 01:03:05,651 --> 01:03:09,263 trying to cover up things that smell bad, 1322 01:03:09,307 --> 01:03:11,570 and men spend billions of dollars on things 1323 01:03:11,613 --> 01:03:13,920 that just smell bad. 1324 01:03:13,964 --> 01:03:17,315 You give me and my buddies a bottle of doe in heat urine, 1325 01:03:17,358 --> 01:03:20,057 we can entertain ourselves for the weekend. 1326 01:03:20,100 --> 01:03:21,536 [audience laughs] 1327 01:03:21,580 --> 01:03:24,061 [Jeff sniffs] 1328 01:03:26,846 --> 01:03:28,369 Your turn. 1329 01:03:28,413 --> 01:03:32,069 [audience applauds] 1330 01:03:32,112 --> 01:03:34,854 I used to have a little spray bottle for mine, 1331 01:03:34,898 --> 01:03:36,943 but my wife took it away from me, 1332 01:03:36,987 --> 01:03:39,467 because at last year's family Christmas party, 1333 01:03:39,511 --> 01:03:44,298 somebody sprayed some on her brother's pants leg, 1334 01:03:44,342 --> 01:03:47,519 and then our dog fell in love with him. 1335 01:03:47,562 --> 01:03:48,825 [audience cheers] 1336 01:03:48,868 --> 01:03:50,391 And my wife said it was mean, 1337 01:03:50,435 --> 01:03:52,872 but everybody that's seen the video just says it's funny, 1338 01:03:52,916 --> 01:03:56,136 so I'm going with funny. 1339 01:03:56,180 --> 01:03:58,095 [audience laughs] 1340 01:03:58,138 --> 01:04:00,967 But men have an appreciation for unpleasant smells. 1341 01:04:01,011 --> 01:04:02,882 Like, you ever seen a guy cleaning out a closet 1342 01:04:02,926 --> 01:04:05,232 and he'll find a gym bag that he's forgotten about 1343 01:04:05,276 --> 01:04:06,538 for five or six months, 1344 01:04:06,581 --> 01:04:08,279 you know, with sweaty workout clothes in it, 1345 01:04:08,322 --> 01:04:11,717 and he'll open it up and like, "Oh, man! [gags] 1346 01:04:17,984 --> 01:04:19,725 Oh, that is the stinkiest thing 1347 01:04:19,768 --> 01:04:22,336 I've ever smelled in my life. 1348 01:04:22,380 --> 01:04:25,078 Charlie, come here and smell this!" 1349 01:04:25,122 --> 01:04:28,125 [audience applauds] 1350 01:04:29,300 --> 01:04:32,216 And Charlie, having heard all of that, 1351 01:04:32,259 --> 01:04:34,174 will get off the couch, 1352 01:04:34,218 --> 01:04:36,785 walk across the room, and not only smell it, 1353 01:04:36,829 --> 01:04:41,181 I'm talking about, [sniffs] "Oh, man! 1354 01:04:41,225 --> 01:04:44,402 That'd knock a buzzard off a gut wagon. 1355 01:04:44,445 --> 01:04:47,013 Ralph, come here and smell this!" 1356 01:04:48,188 --> 01:04:49,973 And my wife watches this and she said, 1357 01:04:50,016 --> 01:04:53,324 "That is just barbaric." 1358 01:04:53,367 --> 01:04:54,803 And I said, "No, it's not. 1359 01:04:54,847 --> 01:04:58,459 You just don't understand what's taking place." 1360 01:04:58,503 --> 01:05:00,157 I said, "Man number two and three, 1361 01:05:00,200 --> 01:05:01,680 out of the goodness of their heart, 1362 01:05:01,723 --> 01:05:05,814 are giving man number one a courtesy sniff. 1363 01:05:05,858 --> 01:05:07,686 [audience laughs] 1364 01:05:07,729 --> 01:05:09,949 And from now on, man number one 1365 01:05:09,993 --> 01:05:14,258 owes man number two and three a courtesy sniff in return. 1366 01:05:14,301 --> 01:05:16,347 And man number two and three are banking on, 1367 01:05:16,390 --> 01:05:19,306 somewhere down road, they'll come up with something stinkier 1368 01:05:19,350 --> 01:05:21,830 than what man number one has right now." 1369 01:05:24,007 --> 01:05:26,052 You ever seen a car sitting at a red light, 1370 01:05:26,096 --> 01:05:29,142 and there's like five guys in it, and all of a sudden, 1371 01:05:29,186 --> 01:05:30,622 all four windows go down, 1372 01:05:30,665 --> 01:05:32,406 and there's four guys hanging out of the car, 1373 01:05:32,450 --> 01:05:34,713 just cussin' like crazy? 1374 01:05:36,106 --> 01:05:38,412 And there's one guy sitting in the middle in the back, 1375 01:05:38,456 --> 01:05:42,851 just laughing? [audience applauds] 1376 01:05:42,895 --> 01:05:45,115 You know why he's laughing? 1377 01:05:45,158 --> 01:05:47,987 [audience cheers] 1378 01:05:49,467 --> 01:05:51,730 He's cashed in his courtesy sniff. 1379 01:05:53,427 --> 01:05:55,777 And the only thing that could make him happier 1380 01:05:55,821 --> 01:05:59,129 was had he been driving and had control of the window locks. 1381 01:06:00,130 --> 01:06:01,000 You guys have been awesome. 1382 01:06:01,044 --> 01:06:02,610 Thanks for listening. 1383 01:06:02,654 --> 01:06:05,483 [audience cheers] 1384 01:06:07,528 --> 01:06:08,529 Thank y'all. 1385 01:06:11,489 --> 01:06:13,143 Thank you very much. 1386 01:06:16,059 --> 01:06:17,234 Thanks, y'all. 1387 01:06:19,018 --> 01:06:21,151 Thank you, thank you. 1388 01:06:21,194 --> 01:06:24,023 [audience cheers] 1389 01:06:31,726 --> 01:06:32,901 Thanks, y'all. 1390 01:06:43,434 --> 01:06:46,350 All right, y'all, we have reached the portion of the show 1391 01:06:46,393 --> 01:06:47,916 where we're gonna make you feel better 1392 01:06:47,960 --> 01:06:49,179 about your own family. 1393 01:06:49,222 --> 01:06:52,138 Please welcome Larry the Cable Guy. 1394 01:06:52,182 --> 01:06:54,271 [audience cheers] 1395 01:06:54,314 --> 01:06:56,925 [upbeat music] 1396 01:07:08,502 --> 01:07:10,504 - All right, Git-R-Done! 1397 01:07:14,117 --> 01:07:16,815 All right, thank you, thank you. 1398 01:07:18,904 --> 01:07:22,081 Appreciate it, you like that little dance right there? 1399 01:07:22,125 --> 01:07:23,517 [audience cheers] 1400 01:07:23,561 --> 01:07:25,867 Yeah, had to get my underwear out of my crack. 1401 01:07:26,912 --> 01:07:28,435 Good Lord, good to see ya. 1402 01:07:28,479 --> 01:07:30,046 I'm happier than Rosie O'Donnell 1403 01:07:30,089 --> 01:07:32,135 at a buffet of Little Debbie Oatmeal Cremes. 1404 01:07:32,178 --> 01:07:33,571 I tell you what, boy. 1405 01:07:34,702 --> 01:07:35,529 Git-R-Done. 1406 01:07:36,574 --> 01:07:37,662 That's right. 1407 01:07:38,706 --> 01:07:39,881 I'm gonna tell you right off, 1408 01:07:39,925 --> 01:07:41,666 I'm walking a little limpy tonight. 1409 01:07:41,709 --> 01:07:44,321 I had a vasectomy done at Sears last week. 1410 01:07:46,149 --> 01:07:49,369 Now, every time I get excited, the garage door goes up, 1411 01:07:49,413 --> 01:07:52,503 so that ain't good. 1412 01:07:52,546 --> 01:07:53,808 Almost broke it off the hinges 1413 01:07:53,852 --> 01:07:54,940 watching Britney Spears last week. 1414 01:07:54,983 --> 01:07:57,725 Up, down, up, down, up, down. 1415 01:07:57,769 --> 01:07:59,075 Good Lord. 1416 01:07:59,118 --> 01:08:01,686 Did you know Britney Spears hurt her leg 1417 01:08:01,729 --> 01:08:03,122 and had to cancel some dates? 1418 01:08:03,166 --> 01:08:05,124 But they said with the proper rehabilitation, 1419 01:08:05,168 --> 01:08:08,301 she should be back on her knees in no time, so that's. 1420 01:08:08,345 --> 01:08:10,390 [audience cheers] 1421 01:08:10,434 --> 01:08:11,261 All right. 1422 01:08:13,654 --> 01:08:15,613 That's funny. [chuckles] 1423 01:08:15,656 --> 01:08:18,833 I don't care who you are, that's funny right there, now. 1424 01:08:18,877 --> 01:08:20,226 [audience cheers] 1425 01:08:20,270 --> 01:08:21,488 I'm gonna tell you this story. 1426 01:08:21,532 --> 01:08:23,925 I was driving down the road the other day, 1427 01:08:23,969 --> 01:08:25,884 and I get pulled over and the police man says, 1428 01:08:25,927 --> 01:08:26,841 "You been drinking?" 1429 01:08:26,885 --> 01:08:28,104 I'm like, "No, why? 1430 01:08:28,147 --> 01:08:30,062 Is there a fat girl in my back seat?" 1431 01:08:30,106 --> 01:08:33,587 [audience laughs] 1432 01:08:33,631 --> 01:08:34,458 Good Lord. 1433 01:08:35,633 --> 01:08:36,895 My God, there's two of them. 1434 01:08:36,938 --> 01:08:39,419 I guess I was drinking. 1435 01:08:39,463 --> 01:08:42,509 Good Lord. 1436 01:08:42,553 --> 01:08:45,425 Don't you hate it when you get so dadgum drunk 1437 01:08:45,469 --> 01:08:47,035 you look in your pocket the next day 1438 01:08:47,079 --> 01:08:48,994 and there's some girl's number in there with a name, 1439 01:08:49,037 --> 01:08:50,735 and you don't know nothing about it? 1440 01:08:50,778 --> 01:08:53,346 So, you call her up and you get this, "Hello?" 1441 01:08:55,566 --> 01:08:56,784 "Yeah, Debbie there?" 1442 01:08:56,828 --> 01:08:58,264 "This is Debbie." 1443 01:08:58,308 --> 01:08:59,831 [audience laughs] 1444 01:08:59,874 --> 01:09:01,833 I ain't drinkin' no more, that's ridiculous right there. 1445 01:09:03,313 --> 01:09:04,836 I ain't drinkin'. 1446 01:09:06,925 --> 01:09:08,448 What I'm gonna tell you is I was driving down 1447 01:09:08,492 --> 01:09:11,495 to see a buddy of mine in Tulsa, Oklahoma, not long ago. 1448 01:09:11,538 --> 01:09:14,715 That's right, you know what Tulsa spelled backward is? 1449 01:09:14,759 --> 01:09:16,195 A slut. 1450 01:09:16,239 --> 01:09:17,979 [audience laughs] 1451 01:09:18,023 --> 01:09:20,765 You know what a slut backward is? 1452 01:09:20,808 --> 01:09:23,376 $100. [laughs] 1453 01:09:23,420 --> 01:09:25,291 Git-R-Done, that's funny. 1454 01:09:25,335 --> 01:09:26,988 [audience cheers] 1455 01:09:27,032 --> 01:09:29,252 All right, but I'm gonna tell you, 1456 01:09:29,295 --> 01:09:32,298 I was driving down there and I had one of them renty-cars 1457 01:09:32,342 --> 01:09:34,996 that had a voice activated radio, 1458 01:09:35,040 --> 01:09:37,173 like you wanna hear country music, say country, 1459 01:09:37,216 --> 01:09:38,739 country'd come on. 1460 01:09:38,783 --> 01:09:39,653 You want to hear rock and roll, rock and roll'd come on. 1461 01:09:39,697 --> 01:09:41,046 I wanted to hear country music, 1462 01:09:41,089 --> 01:09:43,657 and I was about to say country and some car cut me off 1463 01:09:43,701 --> 01:09:45,746 and I said, "You stupid moron," 1464 01:09:45,790 --> 01:09:49,097 and Dr. Laura come on the radio on there. 1465 01:09:50,273 --> 01:09:52,231 That ain't right, don't laugh at that. 1466 01:09:52,275 --> 01:09:54,581 Lord, I apologize for that there. 1467 01:09:54,625 --> 01:09:56,148 Be with the pygmies, amen. 1468 01:09:57,584 --> 01:09:59,891 But I was going down there to see my buddy down there, 1469 01:09:59,934 --> 01:10:02,154 ad I stopped at the Hooters when I was down. 1470 01:10:02,198 --> 01:10:05,331 Have you seen the shorts on them girls at the Hooters? 1471 01:10:05,375 --> 01:10:07,159 [audience cheers] 1472 01:10:07,203 --> 01:10:08,595 Good Lord. 1473 01:10:08,639 --> 01:10:10,075 Tell you what, if they get any shorter, 1474 01:10:10,118 --> 01:10:12,382 the FDA is gonna start making 'em wear hair nets. 1475 01:10:12,425 --> 01:10:15,820 I tell you that much, 'cause that's ridiculous. 1476 01:10:15,863 --> 01:10:17,430 Good Lord. 1477 01:10:17,474 --> 01:10:19,650 Need to go to church or something. 1478 01:10:20,912 --> 01:10:21,913 If you don't think that's funny, 1479 01:10:21,956 --> 01:10:23,262 you get the hell out of here, 1480 01:10:23,306 --> 01:10:26,047 'cause that's a funny joke right there. 1481 01:10:26,091 --> 01:10:27,658 That's a funny joke. 1482 01:10:27,701 --> 01:10:29,616 That's funnier than watching midgets run track right there. 1483 01:10:29,660 --> 01:10:32,576 I tell ya, that's a funny joke. 1484 01:10:32,619 --> 01:10:34,273 So, I get down to see my buddy, 1485 01:10:34,317 --> 01:10:37,102 and I was at his house and he was fighting with his nephew. 1486 01:10:37,145 --> 01:10:39,060 I guess his nephew got in some trouble. 1487 01:10:39,104 --> 01:10:42,194 He's in 10th grade and he had sex with his teacher. 1488 01:10:42,238 --> 01:10:44,718 And I was like, hey, that's mighty cool, you know? 1489 01:10:44,762 --> 01:10:47,243 But the bad part is he's homeschooled. 1490 01:10:47,286 --> 01:10:48,766 [audience laughs] 1491 01:10:48,809 --> 01:10:50,681 You know, so, that ain't good. 1492 01:10:50,724 --> 01:10:52,291 That ain't good at all. 1493 01:10:52,335 --> 01:10:55,163 I know, that ain't good. 1494 01:10:55,207 --> 01:10:56,687 That ain't right. 1495 01:10:56,730 --> 01:10:58,863 Lord, I apologize for that there, 1496 01:10:58,906 --> 01:11:01,431 and be with the pygmies in New Guinea, amen. 1497 01:11:02,432 --> 01:11:03,955 [audience cheers] 1498 01:11:03,998 --> 01:11:06,349 But my buddy lives in a real bad neighborhood down there, 1499 01:11:06,392 --> 01:11:08,351 and we was watching TV and he said, 1500 01:11:08,394 --> 01:11:10,178 you want to watch "Cops"? 1501 01:11:10,222 --> 01:11:12,964 I said yeah, so we went out and sat on the front porch. 1502 01:11:14,618 --> 01:11:16,924 And it was a repeat, figure that out. 1503 01:11:16,968 --> 01:11:19,013 [audience applauds] 1504 01:11:19,057 --> 01:11:20,363 We was down there a couple of days, 1505 01:11:20,406 --> 01:11:22,060 went to a strip club down there, 1506 01:11:22,103 --> 01:11:25,324 and this girl, yeah, this girl got mad at me, 1507 01:11:25,368 --> 01:11:28,719 and I tipped her with Monopoly money, 1508 01:11:28,762 --> 01:11:31,417 and she goes, "That's fake money." 1509 01:11:31,461 --> 01:11:33,941 I'm like, "Those are fake titties." 1510 01:11:33,985 --> 01:11:36,074 [audience laughs] 1511 01:11:36,117 --> 01:11:40,252 But I like to keep it dank a little bit, you know? 1512 01:11:40,296 --> 01:11:41,775 That's ridiculous. 1513 01:11:45,039 --> 01:11:48,956 I got kind of worried when I was down there, 1514 01:11:49,000 --> 01:11:50,349 'cause the whole time I was down there, 1515 01:11:50,393 --> 01:11:52,003 I was talking on the cell phone, 1516 01:11:52,046 --> 01:11:54,005 one of them cellularized telephones. 1517 01:11:55,920 --> 01:11:57,487 But I got kind of scared, 1518 01:11:57,530 --> 01:11:59,706 'cause I was reading in the paper the other day, 1519 01:11:59,750 --> 01:12:01,795 'cause my neighbor got up late. 1520 01:12:01,839 --> 01:12:04,668 [audience laughs] 1521 01:12:05,843 --> 01:12:10,630 It said if you talk a lot on them cell phones, 1522 01:12:11,675 --> 01:12:13,938 it could put microwaves into your body, 1523 01:12:13,981 --> 01:12:15,200 and I think that's true, 1524 01:12:15,243 --> 01:12:16,810 'cause I was talking on it the whole weekend, 1525 01:12:16,854 --> 01:12:19,378 went home and pooped a Hot Pocket. 1526 01:12:19,422 --> 01:12:21,162 [audience laughs] 1527 01:12:21,206 --> 01:12:23,687 So, there's something to that. 1528 01:12:28,605 --> 01:12:30,650 Is this the dumbest part of the show right here? 1529 01:12:30,694 --> 01:12:32,130 It's got to be close, too. 1530 01:12:33,871 --> 01:12:36,482 But I got upset when the cell phone people 1531 01:12:36,526 --> 01:12:39,137 started sponsoring the NASCAR, 'cause I'm a traditional. 1532 01:12:39,180 --> 01:12:42,270 I like Winston, that's what I like right there. 1533 01:12:42,314 --> 01:12:44,838 [audience cheers] 1534 01:12:44,882 --> 01:12:47,188 You know, it pissed off a lot of my relatives. 1535 01:12:47,232 --> 01:12:49,190 My grandpa, when he found out it wasn't Winston, 1536 01:12:49,234 --> 01:12:50,409 he was like, "You mean to tell me 1537 01:12:50,453 --> 01:12:52,280 they ain't gonna use the Winston Cup no more?" 1538 01:12:53,412 --> 01:12:54,674 [audience applauds] 1539 01:12:54,718 --> 01:12:56,763 I mean, it was something. 1540 01:12:58,983 --> 01:13:02,552 Lord, I apologize for that there, and be with the pygmies. 1541 01:13:02,595 --> 01:13:03,422 Amen. 1542 01:13:05,119 --> 01:13:07,687 No, but I told you last time we got together, 1543 01:13:07,731 --> 01:13:09,689 I always thought Stayfree Mini Pads 1544 01:13:09,733 --> 01:13:12,431 oughta do NASCAR sponsorship. 1545 01:13:12,475 --> 01:13:15,478 I just thought the announcing would be pretty cool. 1546 01:13:15,521 --> 01:13:18,611 It's a beautiful Summer's Eve here at the track. 1547 01:13:18,655 --> 01:13:19,830 [audience laughs] 1548 01:13:19,873 --> 01:13:22,180 The KY Jelly car has just accelerated 1549 01:13:23,311 --> 01:13:26,271 and easily slipped into the number two hole. 1550 01:13:26,314 --> 01:13:29,448 [audience cheers] 1551 01:13:29,492 --> 01:13:30,362 Git-R-Done. 1552 01:13:35,106 --> 01:13:35,933 Oh, Lord. 1553 01:13:37,674 --> 01:13:39,545 The Vagisil car has been itching 1554 01:13:39,589 --> 01:13:41,808 and burning rubber all season out there 1555 01:13:43,027 --> 01:13:45,246 and is number one in the Busch standings. 1556 01:13:45,290 --> 01:13:47,423 [audience laughs] 1557 01:13:47,466 --> 01:13:49,425 All right, that's right. 1558 01:13:50,774 --> 01:13:53,211 But I like cars and driving fast and all that. 1559 01:13:53,254 --> 01:13:54,995 When I get places, I usually drive, 1560 01:13:55,039 --> 01:13:56,562 'cause I don't fly the airplanes. 1561 01:13:56,606 --> 01:13:58,129 I'm scared of them, 1562 01:13:58,172 --> 01:14:01,001 and whatever happened to good lookin' flight attendants? 1563 01:14:01,045 --> 01:14:03,482 Good Lord, I had the Oak Ridge Boys with titties 1564 01:14:03,526 --> 01:14:04,831 on this one airplane I was on. 1565 01:14:05,789 --> 01:14:07,181 They were ugly, I'll tell you, 1566 01:14:07,225 --> 01:14:08,400 and I looked right at that one girl, 1567 01:14:08,444 --> 01:14:10,663 my wiener went in and out my butt crack. 1568 01:14:10,707 --> 01:14:12,056 I mean, that's how ugly. 1569 01:14:13,057 --> 01:14:14,754 That's a true story right there. 1570 01:14:14,798 --> 01:14:16,539 I ain't making that up. 1571 01:14:16,582 --> 01:14:18,889 I seen her, my wiener come out, went like that, 1572 01:14:18,932 --> 01:14:21,108 turned around [blows raspberry] shot 1573 01:14:21,152 --> 01:14:22,893 right out my dadgum hind end there. 1574 01:14:24,721 --> 01:14:27,332 And that's documented right there. 1575 01:14:28,812 --> 01:14:30,988 You know you're ugly when you're making fellers 1576 01:14:31,031 --> 01:14:33,991 poop their own wiener, you know what I mean? 1577 01:14:34,034 --> 01:14:37,298 That's Glamour Shots right there or something. 1578 01:14:37,342 --> 01:14:40,171 [audience laughs] 1579 01:14:42,216 --> 01:14:44,175 I float on an airplane one time, 1580 01:14:44,218 --> 01:14:45,872 'cause I had to go see my grandma. 1581 01:14:45,916 --> 01:14:47,439 She was having some trouble, 1582 01:14:47,483 --> 01:14:51,051 and they thought, she thought she was getting lip cancer 1583 01:14:51,095 --> 01:14:52,792 from secondhand chew. 1584 01:14:52,836 --> 01:14:55,360 [audience laughs] 1585 01:14:55,403 --> 01:14:58,145 And we had to go take care of that. 1586 01:14:59,538 --> 01:15:00,713 I tried to make her feel better. 1587 01:15:00,757 --> 01:15:02,976 Her air conditioner went out in her trailer, 1588 01:15:03,020 --> 01:15:04,978 so she wanted some fans up, 1589 01:15:05,022 --> 01:15:08,416 so I put seven ceiling fans up in her single wide. 1590 01:15:08,460 --> 01:15:12,595 And I think it was too many. 1591 01:15:12,638 --> 01:15:15,293 She turned them all on Wednesday and her roof took off, 1592 01:15:15,336 --> 01:15:17,991 so that wasn't a good thing. 1593 01:15:18,035 --> 01:15:21,038 But the one thing my grandma does do that irritates me, 1594 01:15:21,081 --> 01:15:23,388 she gets the walkin' farts, you know? 1595 01:15:24,694 --> 01:15:27,218 Every step she takes, something come out, you know? 1596 01:15:27,261 --> 01:15:29,873 [Larry imitates farts] 1597 01:15:29,916 --> 01:15:31,962 But it's horrible. 1598 01:15:32,005 --> 01:15:34,617 But the worst part is she gets the walkin' farts 1599 01:15:34,660 --> 01:15:35,966 at the flea market. 1600 01:15:37,489 --> 01:15:39,578 And that's bad, 'cause when she's at the flea market, 1601 01:15:39,622 --> 01:15:41,537 she wears them Spandex drawers, 1602 01:15:42,886 --> 01:15:45,541 so now it can't escape nowhere, you know what I mean? 1603 01:15:45,584 --> 01:15:48,195 And she let out a walking fart in them Spandex drawers. 1604 01:15:48,239 --> 01:15:50,763 Looked like a mouse run down inside of her pant leg 1605 01:15:50,807 --> 01:15:52,591 right there like that. 1606 01:15:52,635 --> 01:15:53,810 [audience laughs] 1607 01:15:53,853 --> 01:15:56,073 Good Lord, yeah. 1608 01:15:56,116 --> 01:15:59,380 And then, it starts to form a big ball 1609 01:15:59,424 --> 01:16:02,079 in the back of her britches, 'cause it can't escape. 1610 01:16:02,122 --> 01:16:04,734 It looks like she stole a cabbage or something, 1611 01:16:06,126 --> 01:16:08,085 and the feller running the cabbage stand in there 1612 01:16:08,128 --> 01:16:10,217 thought she was stealing cabbages. 1613 01:16:10,261 --> 01:16:11,697 So he goes, "You're stealing cabbages." 1614 01:16:11,741 --> 01:16:13,612 He went to rip her britches down, 1615 01:16:13,656 --> 01:16:17,050 I'm hauling ass about this time, you know? 1616 01:16:17,094 --> 01:16:20,227 I know Hiroshima fittin' to hit up there at the flea market. 1617 01:16:21,446 --> 01:16:24,536 When he ripped them down, good Lord, 1618 01:16:24,580 --> 01:16:27,626 that sounded like a big rig letting out the brake pressure. 1619 01:16:27,670 --> 01:16:29,062 [audience laughs] 1620 01:16:29,106 --> 01:16:30,890 He ripped them down, and it [blows]. 1621 01:16:34,459 --> 01:16:35,591 What the hell? 1622 01:16:36,896 --> 01:16:38,376 Critters running around. 1623 01:16:39,638 --> 01:16:41,858 Critters running around with no fur on 'em 1624 01:16:41,901 --> 01:16:44,382 and people melted to the walls 1625 01:16:44,425 --> 01:16:46,036 and grandpa's pissed. 1626 01:16:46,079 --> 01:16:47,646 He's like, "You wanna get out of the flea market 1627 01:16:47,690 --> 01:16:48,647 before you kill everybody in here, it's ridiculous." 1628 01:16:50,954 --> 01:16:53,783 [audience laughs] 1629 01:16:54,958 --> 01:16:57,525 I tell you what, I got a strange dadgum family, 1630 01:16:57,569 --> 01:16:58,396 that's for sure. 1631 01:16:59,310 --> 01:17:02,182 My aunt, she's a big ol' woman, 1632 01:17:02,226 --> 01:17:03,619 and she good lookin', though. 1633 01:17:03,662 --> 01:17:06,970 She's 370 pounds, but she good lookin'. 1634 01:17:07,013 --> 01:17:09,581 She's a runway model out at the airport. 1635 01:17:09,625 --> 01:17:12,453 [audience laughs] 1636 01:17:13,672 --> 01:17:16,806 But she, what she is is a hypochondriac. 1637 01:17:16,849 --> 01:17:18,634 She always thinks there's something wrong with her, 1638 01:17:18,677 --> 01:17:20,374 cancer, tumors, whatever. 1639 01:17:21,811 --> 01:17:23,726 But we were sitting on the couch having a nice time 1640 01:17:23,769 --> 01:17:26,772 watching the TV, and she'd do this about every five seconds. 1641 01:17:26,816 --> 01:17:27,643 She'd go. 1642 01:17:28,731 --> 01:17:29,819 [audience laughs] 1643 01:17:29,862 --> 01:17:31,211 It's irritating me. 1644 01:17:32,648 --> 01:17:34,084 And I'm like, "What in the world are you doing?" 1645 01:17:34,127 --> 01:17:37,043 She goes, "I think I got a tumor in my butt crack." 1646 01:17:37,087 --> 01:17:38,566 [audience laughs] 1647 01:17:38,610 --> 01:17:41,787 "You don't get tumors in your butt crack. 1648 01:17:41,831 --> 01:17:44,485 You're a hypochondriac, for God's sake." 1649 01:17:44,529 --> 01:17:47,532 She goes, "No, there's a little lump up in there somewhere." 1650 01:17:48,533 --> 01:17:49,708 She said, "Look up in there. 1651 01:17:49,752 --> 01:17:51,710 See if you see a little lump up in." 1652 01:17:51,754 --> 01:17:53,930 "I'm not looking up in your butt crack 1653 01:17:53,973 --> 01:17:55,453 for a tumor on a Sunday. 1654 01:17:56,846 --> 01:17:58,499 Go to the doctor." 1655 01:17:58,543 --> 01:17:59,500 She went to the doctor. 1656 01:17:59,544 --> 01:18:00,719 You know what it was? 1657 01:18:00,763 --> 01:18:01,589 A Milk Dud. 1658 01:18:04,027 --> 01:18:05,768 You believe that? 1659 01:18:06,943 --> 01:18:09,510 She sat on it watching "Walker, Texas Ranger". 1660 01:18:09,554 --> 01:18:13,079 [audience laughs] 1661 01:18:13,123 --> 01:18:16,735 My family's something else. 1662 01:18:16,779 --> 01:18:18,868 I got, my little brother was over at the house 1663 01:18:18,911 --> 01:18:20,739 the other day, I ain't never told you about him. 1664 01:18:20,783 --> 01:18:21,958 He was born deaf. 1665 01:18:22,001 --> 01:18:23,481 His whole life, he's been deaf, 1666 01:18:23,524 --> 01:18:25,962 but he's real good with the sign language, 1667 01:18:26,876 --> 01:18:28,268 but he's got Tourette's, too, 1668 01:18:28,312 --> 01:18:30,749 so he's kinda like that, you know? 1669 01:18:30,793 --> 01:18:33,273 [audience laughs] 1670 01:18:33,317 --> 01:18:36,712 [audience applauds] 1671 01:18:36,755 --> 01:18:38,801 Yeah, that's not good. 1672 01:18:38,844 --> 01:18:40,019 It's not good. 1673 01:18:41,194 --> 01:18:43,762 But my momma talks to him all the time 1674 01:18:43,806 --> 01:18:45,242 with the sign language. 1675 01:18:45,285 --> 01:18:46,634 I tried to learn how to do it, 1676 01:18:46,678 --> 01:18:49,028 but I can't get a finger in edge wise, you know, 1677 01:18:49,072 --> 01:18:51,552 and these people. [audience laughs] 1678 01:18:51,596 --> 01:18:52,771 But he's pretty talented. 1679 01:18:52,815 --> 01:18:54,947 He's a song writer, and he got a song out now 1680 01:18:54,991 --> 01:18:55,861 you might wanna hear. 1681 01:18:55,905 --> 01:18:56,644 It's called [mocks deaf speak]. 1682 01:18:58,821 --> 01:19:01,214 Lord, I apologize for that there, 1683 01:19:01,258 --> 01:19:04,740 and be with the starving pygmies in New Guinea, amen. 1684 01:19:04,783 --> 01:19:06,872 [audience cheers] 1685 01:19:06,916 --> 01:19:07,830 Git-R-Done. 1686 01:19:09,266 --> 01:19:10,093 All right. 1687 01:19:12,138 --> 01:19:14,184 I got another sister, had a baby, 1688 01:19:14,227 --> 01:19:16,621 and she was in labor for 38 hours, 1689 01:19:16,664 --> 01:19:17,840 which is ridiculous. 1690 01:19:17,883 --> 01:19:20,103 I give up on a poop after 20 minutes. 1691 01:19:20,146 --> 01:19:22,235 [audience laughs] 1692 01:19:22,279 --> 01:19:25,238 You know, she had that, but she's a good sister. 1693 01:19:25,282 --> 01:19:29,242 She come to see my program two days after she had that kid, 1694 01:19:29,286 --> 01:19:30,809 by God, and I made her laugh so hard 1695 01:19:30,853 --> 01:19:32,115 milk shot out of her nipples. 1696 01:19:32,158 --> 01:19:33,638 I tell you what, geeze. 1697 01:19:35,118 --> 01:19:36,597 She's a good girl. 1698 01:19:36,641 --> 01:19:37,816 I love her to death. 1699 01:19:40,210 --> 01:19:44,301 My brother just celebrated the second, Git-R-Done. 1700 01:19:44,344 --> 01:19:46,477 [audience cheers] 1701 01:19:46,520 --> 01:19:48,261 That's right, by God. 1702 01:19:50,916 --> 01:19:53,266 Appreciate it, I'll see ya at the house. 1703 01:19:54,877 --> 01:19:58,750 My brother just celebrated his second wedding anniversary, 1704 01:19:58,794 --> 01:20:00,230 and they was gonna celebrate. 1705 01:20:00,273 --> 01:20:03,276 He wanted to have sex and she wanted to go to Outback 1706 01:20:03,320 --> 01:20:04,800 and my grandma wanted to go to church 1707 01:20:04,843 --> 01:20:07,106 and have 'em rededicate the wedding vows, 1708 01:20:07,150 --> 01:20:08,412 so they all compromised 1709 01:20:08,455 --> 01:20:10,806 and they had sex out back of the church. 1710 01:20:10,849 --> 01:20:13,678 [audience laughs] 1711 01:20:18,901 --> 01:20:20,946 I was gonna get married one time. 1712 01:20:20,990 --> 01:20:23,296 You know, it's hard finding the right person. 1713 01:20:23,340 --> 01:20:25,298 I was living with a girl for about eight months, 1714 01:20:25,342 --> 01:20:27,561 until she found out I was there. 1715 01:20:27,605 --> 01:20:28,824 [audience laughs] 1716 01:20:28,867 --> 01:20:31,000 That didn't work too good. 1717 01:20:32,001 --> 01:20:32,828 It didn't. 1718 01:20:34,264 --> 01:20:36,266 But there was another girl that I was in love with, 1719 01:20:36,309 --> 01:20:37,833 and we was gonna get married, 1720 01:20:37,876 --> 01:20:39,530 but she wasn't gonna take my name, 1721 01:20:39,573 --> 01:20:41,053 so I broke that relationship off, 1722 01:20:41,097 --> 01:20:42,576 'cause I'm a traditionalist. 1723 01:20:42,620 --> 01:20:44,448 I think they oughta take the name. 1724 01:20:44,491 --> 01:20:46,711 Plus, I thought it'd be cool, both of us named Larry. 1725 01:20:46,754 --> 01:20:49,235 You know, I thought that'd be nice. 1726 01:20:49,279 --> 01:20:52,760 You know, but didn't work out too good. 1727 01:20:54,371 --> 01:20:55,676 She always irritated me. 1728 01:20:55,720 --> 01:20:56,895 I don't know why women do this, 1729 01:20:56,939 --> 01:20:58,157 and she did this all the time. 1730 01:20:58,201 --> 01:21:00,203 She used to stack stuff in the medicine cabinet, 1731 01:21:00,246 --> 01:21:03,249 and then you open it up and stuff would fly out at you. 1732 01:21:03,293 --> 01:21:05,469 You know, they had them cotton balls in there, 1733 01:21:05,512 --> 01:21:08,515 serves as like a spring action device or something. 1734 01:21:08,559 --> 01:21:10,169 Well, she was walking around the house one day, 1735 01:21:10,213 --> 01:21:11,605 she's mad at me, yelling at me, 1736 01:21:11,649 --> 01:21:13,694 I don't know, she had cramps or something, 1737 01:21:13,738 --> 01:21:17,002 but I opened the door up to the medicine cabinet 1738 01:21:17,046 --> 01:21:21,485 and the dadgum tampon flowed out, hit in the eyeball, 1739 01:21:21,528 --> 01:21:23,139 landed in the toilet, 1740 01:21:23,182 --> 01:21:25,445 and the minute it hit that water in the toilet, 1741 01:21:25,489 --> 01:21:27,578 went [imitates explosion]. 1742 01:21:27,621 --> 01:21:28,796 [audience laughs] 1743 01:21:28,840 --> 01:21:30,276 I'm like, good Lord, 1744 01:21:30,320 --> 01:21:33,149 that's where the cramps are coming from, right there. 1745 01:21:33,192 --> 01:21:36,021 [audience applauds] 1746 01:21:36,065 --> 01:21:37,544 Look at that. 1747 01:21:37,588 --> 01:21:40,156 [audience cheers] 1748 01:21:40,199 --> 01:21:43,333 You see the size of that thing right there? 1749 01:21:43,376 --> 01:21:44,943 You need to buy a smaller size. 1750 01:21:46,075 --> 01:21:47,772 No wonder I can't satisfy you. 1751 01:21:47,815 --> 01:21:49,905 Look at that thing in there. 1752 01:21:49,948 --> 01:21:51,428 That thing's huge. 1753 01:21:52,255 --> 01:21:53,560 Thing is huge in there. 1754 01:21:55,432 --> 01:21:56,215 Unbelievable, 1755 01:21:57,434 --> 01:21:59,131 the size of that thing right there. 1756 01:21:59,175 --> 01:22:02,961 But we was at the dadgum store the other day, 1757 01:22:03,005 --> 01:22:05,659 and they had these little shorty shorts, 1758 01:22:05,703 --> 01:22:07,052 and I can't wear little shorty shorts. 1759 01:22:07,096 --> 01:22:10,360 I ain't in very good shape, you know what I mean? 1760 01:22:10,403 --> 01:22:14,233 I used to be a lifeguard, til some blue kid got me fired. 1761 01:22:14,277 --> 01:22:17,193 [audience laughs] 1762 01:22:17,236 --> 01:22:20,326 [audience cheers] 1763 01:22:20,370 --> 01:22:25,375 Git-R-Done! 1764 01:22:26,811 --> 01:22:28,769 But I'll tell you where there's some out of shape folks, 1765 01:22:28,813 --> 01:22:31,424 that's the church I go to. 1766 01:22:31,468 --> 01:22:33,513 Good Lord, you oughta to see these people. 1767 01:22:33,557 --> 01:22:36,821 Old Lady Peacock is 326 pounds. 1768 01:22:36,864 --> 01:22:39,606 She got up to sing in the choir at the church. 1769 01:22:39,650 --> 01:22:41,826 She sang "Love Lifted Me". 1770 01:22:41,869 --> 01:22:43,523 [audience laughs] 1771 01:22:43,567 --> 01:22:46,352 A crane couldn't life Old Lady Peacock. 1772 01:22:46,396 --> 01:22:48,441 "Love Lifted Me", my brother nudges me. 1773 01:22:48,485 --> 01:22:50,226 He goes, "Love ain't gonna do it without a winch, 1774 01:22:50,269 --> 01:22:54,839 I'll tell you that much right there, that ain't workin'." 1775 01:22:54,882 --> 01:22:57,059 She's mad at my dad right now, 1776 01:22:57,102 --> 01:22:59,191 'cause she come over at visitation or something, 1777 01:22:59,235 --> 01:23:00,410 and she walked in. 1778 01:23:00,453 --> 01:23:02,455 She goes, "I'm gonna get my stomach stapled." 1779 01:23:02,499 --> 01:23:05,284 He goes, "To what, the Country Buffet down there?" 1780 01:23:05,328 --> 01:23:06,938 Good Lord. 1781 01:23:06,982 --> 01:23:09,810 [audience cheers] 1782 01:23:11,160 --> 01:23:12,988 I tell you what church you stay in shape in, 1783 01:23:13,031 --> 01:23:14,641 that's the Catholic church. 1784 01:23:14,685 --> 01:23:16,556 Good, you been in there? 1785 01:23:16,600 --> 01:23:19,124 You gotta be in shape to go through that service, 1786 01:23:19,168 --> 01:23:20,343 and I'd never been in there before, 1787 01:23:20,386 --> 01:23:21,561 and I walk in with a buddy of mine. 1788 01:23:21,605 --> 01:23:22,823 He's going down there, 1789 01:23:22,867 --> 01:23:23,781 and I was following people in front of me, 1790 01:23:23,824 --> 01:23:25,435 and I got bad knees. 1791 01:23:25,478 --> 01:23:26,958 And I walk in there, minute I get in there, 1792 01:23:27,002 --> 01:23:29,004 and they all kneel down, so I kneel down like this. 1793 01:23:29,047 --> 01:23:30,657 Get down, and the minute I get down, 1794 01:23:30,701 --> 01:23:32,659 we back up again, like this. 1795 01:23:32,703 --> 01:23:35,532 And back down again we go like this. 1796 01:23:35,575 --> 01:23:39,144 I'm like, you son of, here we go, right back up again. 1797 01:23:39,188 --> 01:23:42,147 Good Lord, we was down, up, sit down, 1798 01:23:42,191 --> 01:23:43,801 we did two shots. 1799 01:23:43,844 --> 01:23:46,412 I mean, it was something else. 1800 01:23:46,456 --> 01:23:48,066 [audience cheers] 1801 01:23:48,110 --> 01:23:49,589 It was ridiculous. 1802 01:23:51,026 --> 01:23:52,505 It was ridiculous. 1803 01:23:54,812 --> 01:23:56,509 It was ridiculous. 1804 01:23:56,553 --> 01:23:59,338 But you do get in shape in there, and that's the good thing. 1805 01:23:59,382 --> 01:24:02,385 I was at a Victoria's Secret the other day, 1806 01:24:03,777 --> 01:24:05,605 and I was picking on them little shorty short britches. 1807 01:24:05,649 --> 01:24:08,652 They have the, britches in there for fellers, 1808 01:24:08,695 --> 01:24:10,567 they're a little too tight for me. 1809 01:24:11,394 --> 01:24:12,569 You ever put them on? 1810 01:24:12,612 --> 01:24:13,787 You put them on, it looks like your tonsils 1811 01:24:13,831 --> 01:24:16,051 are hanging out of your dadgum shorts. 1812 01:24:16,094 --> 01:24:17,226 I mean, it's ridiculous. 1813 01:24:18,140 --> 01:24:19,358 [audience laughs] 1814 01:24:19,402 --> 01:24:20,620 My girlfriend was like, "Go in there 1815 01:24:20,664 --> 01:24:22,057 and try them little shorty shorts on." 1816 01:24:22,100 --> 01:24:23,971 I'm like, "That ain't happening." 1817 01:24:25,538 --> 01:24:27,845 So, I go in there and try 'em on. 1818 01:24:27,888 --> 01:24:30,369 [audience laughs] 1819 01:24:30,413 --> 01:24:33,285 Good Lord, they split my boys in two places, 1820 01:24:33,329 --> 01:24:34,330 they were so tight. 1821 01:24:36,027 --> 01:24:37,159 I had a boy come out the left side 1822 01:24:37,202 --> 01:24:39,683 and the boy come out the right side. 1823 01:24:39,726 --> 01:24:41,772 I even had a boy I didn't know about 1824 01:24:41,815 --> 01:24:43,991 come out of them shorts. 1825 01:24:44,035 --> 01:24:46,646 And then she's like, "Come on out. 1826 01:24:46,690 --> 01:24:47,908 Let's take a peek at you." 1827 01:24:47,952 --> 01:24:50,259 I'm like, "I'm staying right here." 1828 01:24:51,869 --> 01:24:53,871 So, I go walking out. 1829 01:24:53,914 --> 01:24:56,743 [audience laughs] 1830 01:24:58,180 --> 01:25:00,182 People were looking at me like what in the world? 1831 01:25:01,313 --> 01:25:02,880 You look like your tonsils are coming out 1832 01:25:02,923 --> 01:25:05,404 of your dadgum shorts. 1833 01:25:05,448 --> 01:25:07,667 I think the women got it real bad, though. 1834 01:25:07,711 --> 01:25:09,930 Y'all's shorts is really tiny. 1835 01:25:09,974 --> 01:25:12,411 I mean, you need to be groomed up in them places, 1836 01:25:12,455 --> 01:25:13,760 you know what I mean? 1837 01:25:13,804 --> 01:25:17,112 Bikini waxed or something, which is sexy. 1838 01:25:17,155 --> 01:25:18,156 We fellers like that. 1839 01:25:19,592 --> 01:25:21,116 You don't want your girlfriend coming at you naked, 1840 01:25:21,159 --> 01:25:23,944 look like a ZZ Top concert just got out or something. 1841 01:25:23,988 --> 01:25:25,511 You don't want that. 1842 01:25:25,555 --> 01:25:26,860 [audience cheers] 1843 01:25:26,904 --> 01:25:29,820 You don't want something like that. 1844 01:25:31,996 --> 01:25:33,954 But women want fellers to do that, 1845 01:25:33,998 --> 01:25:35,434 and that's what irritates me. 1846 01:25:35,478 --> 01:25:39,177 My girlfriend wanted me to groom up the private areas, 1847 01:25:39,221 --> 01:25:40,874 and that's stupid. 1848 01:25:40,918 --> 01:25:42,180 [audience laughs] 1849 01:25:42,224 --> 01:25:43,790 Fellers ain't supposed to do that, 1850 01:25:43,834 --> 01:25:45,270 you know what I mean? 1851 01:25:45,314 --> 01:25:48,839 And she got that idea from them girl magazines y'all read. 1852 01:25:48,882 --> 01:25:49,796 I don't know what it is. 1853 01:25:49,840 --> 01:25:51,972 She was reading a "Hog Hunter". 1854 01:25:52,016 --> 01:25:54,279 She was reading a "Hog Hunter" magazine there, 1855 01:25:55,672 --> 01:25:57,282 and she goes, "Why don't you shave your private area? 1856 01:25:57,326 --> 01:25:58,805 It'll look sexy." 1857 01:25:58,849 --> 01:26:00,981 I'm like, "I ain't doing none of that kind of garbage. 1858 01:26:01,025 --> 01:26:02,548 I ain't one of them." 1859 01:26:02,592 --> 01:26:05,769 And, so, I'm in there shaving my private area in there. 1860 01:26:05,812 --> 01:26:07,379 [audience laughs] 1861 01:26:07,423 --> 01:26:10,252 [audience cheers] 1862 01:26:13,211 --> 01:26:14,778 That was real sexy. 1863 01:26:16,649 --> 01:26:18,608 I come out of the bathroom with little red bumps 1864 01:26:18,651 --> 01:26:22,307 and toilet paper squares all over the area down here. 1865 01:26:23,221 --> 01:26:24,483 Good Lord. 1866 01:26:24,527 --> 01:26:26,485 [audience applauds] 1867 01:26:26,529 --> 01:26:28,618 That was not, I was standing there naked. 1868 01:26:28,661 --> 01:26:30,924 I looked like a grub worm with a turtleneck on. 1869 01:26:30,968 --> 01:26:33,318 That's what I looked like. 1870 01:26:33,362 --> 01:26:34,667 [audience laughs] 1871 01:26:34,711 --> 01:26:37,453 Good Lord, if I was a girl, I'd never shave. 1872 01:26:37,496 --> 01:26:39,019 I tell you that much. 1873 01:26:39,063 --> 01:26:41,674 I'd be at the beach, look like I was smuggling Chewbacca 1874 01:26:41,718 --> 01:26:43,894 in my undershorts, that's what I'd do. 1875 01:26:43,937 --> 01:26:45,678 Git-R-Done, thanks a lot, y'all. 1876 01:26:45,722 --> 01:26:48,551 [audience cheers] 1877 01:26:52,032 --> 01:26:52,946 Git-R-Done! 1878 01:27:05,394 --> 01:27:07,178 Y'all fellas can Git-R-Done. 1879 01:27:07,222 --> 01:27:09,441 Thank you so much. 1880 01:27:09,485 --> 01:27:10,268 Thank you so much. 1881 01:27:10,312 --> 01:27:12,531 All right, all right. 1882 01:27:12,575 --> 01:27:15,404 [audience cheers] 1883 01:27:19,146 --> 01:27:21,975 [audience whoops] 1884 01:27:24,282 --> 01:27:26,066 Hey, I'm gonna tell you, 1885 01:27:26,110 --> 01:27:28,286 this is my favorite part of the show right here. 1886 01:27:28,330 --> 01:27:30,157 Let's bring the boys back up. 1887 01:27:30,201 --> 01:27:31,811 Now, come on! 1888 01:27:31,855 --> 01:27:35,424 [audience cheers] 1889 01:27:35,467 --> 01:27:38,818 Bill Engvall, Jeff Foxworthy, Ron White! 1890 01:27:39,776 --> 01:27:42,605 [audience cheers] 1891 01:27:45,260 --> 01:27:47,566 - Larry the Cable Guy! 1892 01:27:47,610 --> 01:27:50,613 [audience applauds] 1893 01:28:03,147 --> 01:28:05,410 - Too bad we couldn't get a good crowd in Denver. 1894 01:28:05,454 --> 01:28:07,456 - I know, it's too cold. 1895 01:28:12,983 --> 01:28:14,941 - I gotta tell you, this is, 1896 01:28:14,985 --> 01:28:17,509 this has been a very special night for us. 1897 01:28:17,553 --> 01:28:19,381 [audience cheers] 1898 01:28:19,424 --> 01:28:21,513 You guys have been awesome. 1899 01:28:26,866 --> 01:28:29,739 And I think I can say for all of these guys, 1900 01:28:29,782 --> 01:28:33,438 we feel very blessed to have been able to do this 1901 01:28:33,482 --> 01:28:34,961 for 20 years and be friends, 1902 01:28:35,005 --> 01:28:37,616 and especially to get to do this together. 1903 01:28:39,488 --> 01:28:40,967 - Yeah, amen on that. 1904 01:28:41,794 --> 01:28:43,274 [audience cheers] 1905 01:28:43,318 --> 01:28:45,972 It's been the best job I've ever had. 1906 01:28:46,016 --> 01:28:47,147 - [Jeff] Me, too. 1907 01:28:47,191 --> 01:28:48,453 - And I got to thinking about that. 1908 01:28:48,497 --> 01:28:50,281 We have been blessed to be able to, 1909 01:28:50,325 --> 01:28:52,544 with having great fans and be able to tell jokes 1910 01:28:52,588 --> 01:28:55,547 and make a living, and thank God, 1911 01:28:55,591 --> 01:28:59,682 because we ain't trained to do nothing else. 1912 01:28:59,725 --> 01:29:01,553 And with that thought in mind, 1913 01:29:01,597 --> 01:29:04,643 I was saving this for the last show. 1914 01:29:04,687 --> 01:29:06,384 If you weren't doing this, 1915 01:29:06,428 --> 01:29:08,691 what job do you think you'd be doing? 1916 01:29:08,734 --> 01:29:10,257 - [Audience Member] Janitor! 1917 01:29:10,301 --> 01:29:14,044 - I hate it when my mother comes to the show, I hate it. 1918 01:29:15,132 --> 01:29:17,656 [audience applauds] 1919 01:29:17,700 --> 01:29:20,006 I don't, I don't, I don't know. 1920 01:29:20,050 --> 01:29:22,966 I'll tell you a job I think I'd be qualified to do. 1921 01:29:23,009 --> 01:29:25,011 I was doing a show four or five months ago 1922 01:29:25,055 --> 01:29:27,710 in Huntington, West Virginia, and as I was flying in, 1923 01:29:27,753 --> 01:29:30,365 we had to divert because the plane in front of us 1924 01:29:30,408 --> 01:29:31,844 skidded on the runway, 1925 01:29:31,888 --> 01:29:34,586 because he forgot to put his wheels down. 1926 01:29:34,630 --> 01:29:36,022 I mean, it seems to me 1927 01:29:36,066 --> 01:29:39,243 that ought to be on the checklist somewhere. 1928 01:29:39,286 --> 01:29:41,941 But they diverted us to this airport in Ashland, Kentucky. 1929 01:29:41,985 --> 01:29:43,421 It's the tiniest airport I've ever been to, 1930 01:29:43,465 --> 01:29:45,336 and then the guy that was supposed to pick me up, 1931 01:29:45,380 --> 01:29:47,773 couldn't find the Ashland airport, 1932 01:29:47,817 --> 01:29:51,429 because if you get behind that bush, you can't see it. 1933 01:29:51,473 --> 01:29:52,996 You can't see it. 1934 01:29:53,039 --> 01:29:55,259 So, I sat there for like two hours 1935 01:29:55,302 --> 01:29:58,262 with the two guys that worked there part-time. 1936 01:29:58,305 --> 01:30:01,657 [audience laughs] 1937 01:30:01,700 --> 01:30:03,354 Do you think I'm making that up? 1938 01:30:03,398 --> 01:30:04,224 I'm not. 1939 01:30:05,530 --> 01:30:07,445 When they're not cutting grass, you know, 1940 01:30:07,489 --> 01:30:09,055 they do the thing at the airport. 1941 01:30:09,099 --> 01:30:10,709 And I asked him, I said, 1942 01:30:10,753 --> 01:30:13,059 "What is the most exciting thing that's ever happened here?" 1943 01:30:13,103 --> 01:30:13,930 And one of the guys said, 1944 01:30:13,973 --> 01:30:15,671 "Well, last year a goose 1945 01:30:15,714 --> 01:30:17,890 flew into the windshield of a Cessna." 1946 01:30:17,934 --> 01:30:19,152 And I said, "Really?" 1947 01:30:19,196 --> 01:30:20,415 I said, "Did it break it?" 1948 01:30:20,458 --> 01:30:21,459 And he said, "No." 1949 01:30:21,503 --> 01:30:23,113 He said, "Them windshields are tough." 1950 01:30:23,156 --> 01:30:24,897 He said, "You know how they test them?" 1951 01:30:24,941 --> 01:30:26,421 And I said, "No." 1952 01:30:26,464 --> 01:30:29,598 He said, "They shoot chickens out of a cannon at 'em." 1953 01:30:29,641 --> 01:30:31,295 [audience laughs] 1954 01:30:31,338 --> 01:30:35,473 And I was thinking, I remember career day in high school. 1955 01:30:35,517 --> 01:30:37,040 I remember plumbers. 1956 01:30:37,083 --> 01:30:38,520 I remember lawyers. 1957 01:30:38,563 --> 01:30:40,870 I do not remember a booth where you could sign up 1958 01:30:40,913 --> 01:30:43,350 to shoot chickens out of a cannon 1959 01:30:43,394 --> 01:30:45,004 at the windshield of an airplane, 1960 01:30:45,048 --> 01:30:48,921 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that. 1961 01:30:48,965 --> 01:30:51,794 [audience cheers] 1962 01:30:53,317 --> 01:30:54,927 So maybe that. 1963 01:30:54,971 --> 01:30:58,801 - If this hadn't worked out, it's a scary thought, 1964 01:30:58,844 --> 01:31:01,020 but I think I would be still doing what I was doing, 1965 01:31:01,064 --> 01:31:05,634 my last job, and I was a tour guide for an underground cave. 1966 01:31:05,677 --> 01:31:06,983 [audience laughs] 1967 01:31:07,026 --> 01:31:08,724 - Did you have a uniform? 1968 01:31:08,767 --> 01:31:12,684 - Oh, we had a jumpsuit with the little name tag on it, 1969 01:31:12,728 --> 01:31:16,775 said Bill, and it was not a great job, 1970 01:31:16,819 --> 01:31:19,082 but it's probably where my comedy started, 1971 01:31:19,125 --> 01:31:22,128 'cause if you put people underground, they freak. 1972 01:31:22,172 --> 01:31:23,608 [audience laughs] 1973 01:31:23,652 --> 01:31:25,480 And we used to have to walk backwards through the cave 1974 01:31:25,523 --> 01:31:26,742 so we could keep an eye on the tour, 1975 01:31:26,785 --> 01:31:28,961 and I got fired from that job, 1976 01:31:29,005 --> 01:31:30,833 because I used to like to go around the corner 1977 01:31:30,876 --> 01:31:33,444 and come back screaming, "Bats, bats, bats!" 1978 01:31:33,488 --> 01:31:35,141 [audience laughs] 1979 01:31:35,185 --> 01:31:36,621 People don't appreciate that. 1980 01:31:38,362 --> 01:31:40,146 - Plus, having to walk out with wet pants the whole way. 1981 01:31:40,190 --> 01:31:41,017 - Yeah. 1982 01:31:42,192 --> 01:31:43,628 - What about you, what do you got? 1983 01:31:43,672 --> 01:31:45,848 - I used to shoot chickens outta cannons at airplanes. 1984 01:31:45,891 --> 01:31:48,154 [audience laughs] 1985 01:31:48,198 --> 01:31:51,027 [audience cheers] 1986 01:31:52,550 --> 01:31:53,464 No, I'm gonna tell you, 1987 01:31:53,508 --> 01:31:55,031 I did have a job one time, 1988 01:31:55,074 --> 01:31:57,555 I used to work at the flea market. 1989 01:31:57,599 --> 01:32:00,079 I liked working up there, but I always nice feller. 1990 01:32:00,123 --> 01:32:01,341 I used to sell stuff, 1991 01:32:01,385 --> 01:32:03,343 but I didn't want to overcharge people. 1992 01:32:03,387 --> 01:32:05,650 And I always sold myself short, is what I did. 1993 01:32:05,694 --> 01:32:06,825 Like, people'd come up and they'd go, 1994 01:32:06,869 --> 01:32:08,305 "How much you want for that?" 1995 01:32:08,348 --> 01:32:09,567 And I'm like, "20 bucks," 1996 01:32:09,611 --> 01:32:12,135 And they'd be like, "Give me five of 'em." 1997 01:32:12,178 --> 01:32:15,921 I'm like, dadgum, I could've got more for them. 1998 01:32:16,835 --> 01:32:17,706 You know? 1999 01:32:17,749 --> 01:32:19,185 And I still do that to this day. 2000 01:32:19,229 --> 01:32:20,709 I can't figure out. 2001 01:32:20,752 --> 01:32:23,015 Like, I was at the restaurant the other day eating, 2002 01:32:23,059 --> 01:32:25,583 and the waitress come by and she says, 2003 01:32:25,627 --> 01:32:26,541 "You need anything else?" 2004 01:32:26,584 --> 01:32:27,716 And I was just kidding around, 2005 01:32:27,759 --> 01:32:30,327 and I go, "Yeah, how about a neck rub?" 2006 01:32:30,370 --> 01:32:32,677 She started giving me a neck rub, 2007 01:32:32,721 --> 01:32:34,374 and I was like. 2008 01:32:34,418 --> 01:32:37,247 [audience laughs] 2009 01:32:38,727 --> 01:32:40,337 I coulda had more! 2010 01:32:42,905 --> 01:32:44,907 - All right, this one I want to hear. 2011 01:32:46,038 --> 01:32:48,693 - I cannot imagine you having a real job. 2012 01:32:48,737 --> 01:32:50,477 - You know what? 2013 01:32:50,521 --> 01:32:55,526 The last job that I had was at a pickle factory. 2014 01:32:57,746 --> 01:33:01,401 I promise, and I got fired for putting my finger 2015 01:33:01,445 --> 01:33:02,489 in the pickle slicer. 2016 01:33:04,143 --> 01:33:06,885 - You got fired for putting your finger in a pickle slicer? 2017 01:33:06,929 --> 01:33:09,235 - She got fired, too, both of us got fired. 2018 01:33:09,279 --> 01:33:12,456 [audience laughs] 2019 01:33:12,499 --> 01:33:15,328 [audience cheers] 2020 01:33:24,642 --> 01:33:26,122 Lord, I apologize. 2021 01:33:28,907 --> 01:33:29,691 - You'd better. 2022 01:33:31,997 --> 01:33:34,391 - Your sister never worked in a pickle factory, did she? 2023 01:33:34,434 --> 01:33:36,088 - I don't think so. 2024 01:33:37,524 --> 01:33:40,615 - We did this tour for a little over three years, 2025 01:33:40,658 --> 01:33:41,746 and hundreds of shows, 2026 01:33:41,790 --> 01:33:44,401 and never once in those hundreds of shows 2027 01:33:44,444 --> 01:33:46,795 did any of y'all ever see him bring a guitar on stage. 2028 01:33:46,838 --> 01:33:48,318 - No, this is a new thing. 2029 01:33:48,361 --> 01:33:51,190 [audience cheers] 2030 01:33:54,846 --> 01:33:56,108 - Well, let me tell you. 2031 01:33:56,152 --> 01:33:58,197 I started tinkering around with a guitar. 2032 01:33:58,241 --> 01:33:59,938 I started doing it in Las Vegas 2033 01:33:59,982 --> 01:34:01,897 at the Mirage Hotel one time. 2034 01:34:03,072 --> 01:34:05,117 I was opening up for this new act out there 2035 01:34:05,161 --> 01:34:07,380 called Siegfried and the Righteous Brothers. 2036 01:34:07,424 --> 01:34:11,950 And I knew that we was working on that song 2037 01:34:11,994 --> 01:34:13,169 that we wanted to do. 2038 01:34:13,212 --> 01:34:15,301 - Oh, the sing what they want thing. 2039 01:34:15,345 --> 01:34:16,215 - So, I thought, you didn't know it, 2040 01:34:16,259 --> 01:34:17,564 but I figured we play some. 2041 01:34:17,608 --> 01:34:18,870 - Why not? - We're gonna do that? 2042 01:34:18,914 --> 01:34:20,263 - I've been practicing, too. 2043 01:34:20,306 --> 01:34:21,786 - [Jeff] It'll be fine, let's do it. 2044 01:34:21,830 --> 01:34:25,964 - All right, this is a song we writ called "I Believe". 2045 01:34:26,008 --> 01:34:27,923 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, writ? 2046 01:34:27,966 --> 01:34:28,793 - Writ. 2047 01:34:30,360 --> 01:34:31,666 - I didn't writ any of it. 2048 01:34:32,754 --> 01:34:35,147 - You wrote two thirds of it, 2049 01:34:35,191 --> 01:34:37,323 or a quarter of it, whatever. 2050 01:34:38,455 --> 01:34:39,848 - Yeah, don't try to do math. 2051 01:34:39,891 --> 01:34:41,763 - If Larry's gonna start doing fractions, 2052 01:34:41,806 --> 01:34:44,766 you may want to go to the concession stand or the restroom. 2053 01:34:45,680 --> 01:34:48,030 [audience cheers] 2054 01:34:48,073 --> 01:34:49,335 - All right, but this is a song- 2055 01:34:49,379 --> 01:34:50,989 - [Audience Member] I love you, Larry! 2056 01:34:51,033 --> 01:34:53,600 - I told you to wait in the truck. 2057 01:34:53,644 --> 01:34:56,473 [audience cheers] 2058 01:35:00,912 --> 01:35:01,739 I love ya. 2059 01:35:06,483 --> 01:35:11,488 That ain't right. 2060 01:35:12,228 --> 01:35:13,577 That wasn't right. 2061 01:35:13,620 --> 01:35:16,449 - All right, the name of this is... 2062 01:35:17,624 --> 01:35:18,234 - All right, all right, here we go. 2063 01:35:18,277 --> 01:35:19,496 - "I Believe". 2064 01:35:19,539 --> 01:35:22,368 - The name of this is "I Believe", okay? 2065 01:35:22,412 --> 01:35:23,543 [audience cheers] 2066 01:35:23,587 --> 01:35:24,370 - "I Believe". 2067 01:35:24,414 --> 01:35:25,545 - "I Believe". 2068 01:35:25,589 --> 01:35:26,546 - This song is called "I Believe". 2069 01:35:26,590 --> 01:35:27,722 - Yeah, they got that. 2070 01:35:29,288 --> 01:35:30,550 - I already said that. 2071 01:35:30,594 --> 01:35:33,031 - Out of everything, this is what we believe. 2072 01:35:34,990 --> 01:35:37,732 Or to Spanish people, it's "Yo Believe-o". 2073 01:35:37,775 --> 01:35:40,604 [audience laughs] 2074 01:35:43,085 --> 01:35:44,869 - "Yo Believe-o"? 2075 01:35:44,913 --> 01:35:47,872 - Oh, "El Believe-o", whatever. 2076 01:35:47,916 --> 01:35:49,091 Yo, el, whatever. 2077 01:35:50,614 --> 01:35:52,485 But it go like this here. 2078 01:35:54,705 --> 01:35:57,839 [gentle guitar music] 2079 01:36:02,147 --> 01:36:06,543 I believe that Britney Spears 2080 01:36:07,674 --> 01:36:10,590 should be one of Baskin Robbins' 31 flavors. 2081 01:36:10,634 --> 01:36:13,463 [audience cheers] 2082 01:36:19,948 --> 01:36:20,818 Two scoops! 2083 01:36:22,472 --> 01:36:25,649 [gentle guitar music] 2084 01:36:31,089 --> 01:36:35,572 - I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong 2085 01:36:35,615 --> 01:36:38,705 should have to go through an application process. 2086 01:36:38,749 --> 01:36:41,578 [audience cheers] 2087 01:36:44,973 --> 01:36:48,150 [gentle guitar music] 2088 01:36:56,680 --> 01:37:00,858 - I believe that ignorance of the law is no excuse, 2089 01:37:02,338 --> 01:37:05,384 and I'm quoting a New York City judge on this one. 2090 01:37:05,428 --> 01:37:08,083 [audience laughs] 2091 01:37:08,126 --> 01:37:11,042 [audience cheers] 2092 01:37:12,174 --> 01:37:15,351 [gentle guitar music] 2093 01:37:19,529 --> 01:37:22,358 [audience laughs] 2094 01:37:24,882 --> 01:37:26,101 - How old are you? 2095 01:37:27,711 --> 01:37:29,713 - Old enough to learn how to play this. 2096 01:37:30,975 --> 01:37:32,542 - Wait, well, when's your birthday? 2097 01:37:32,585 --> 01:37:34,152 - February 17th. 2098 01:37:34,196 --> 01:37:35,850 - No, what year is your birthday? 2099 01:37:36,807 --> 01:37:39,549 - Every year, February 17th. 2100 01:37:39,592 --> 01:37:40,898 [audience laughs] 2101 01:37:40,942 --> 01:37:41,768 - You asked. 2102 01:37:45,555 --> 01:37:48,732 [gentle guitar music] 2103 01:37:53,693 --> 01:37:55,695 - I believe you show me a three-year-old 2104 01:37:55,739 --> 01:37:57,915 running around a flea market in his underpants 2105 01:37:57,959 --> 01:38:00,570 drinking Coca-Cola out of a baby bottle, 2106 01:38:00,613 --> 01:38:03,878 and I'll show you a future NASCAR fan. 2107 01:38:03,921 --> 01:38:06,750 [audience cheers] 2108 01:38:10,885 --> 01:38:14,018 [gentle guitar music] 2109 01:38:17,282 --> 01:38:19,937 - I believe that sometimes you got wreck the truck 2110 01:38:19,981 --> 01:38:22,679 to get the insurance money to make the truck payment. 2111 01:38:23,636 --> 01:38:26,074 [audience cheers] 2112 01:38:26,117 --> 01:38:29,294 [gentle guitar music] 2113 01:38:30,382 --> 01:38:32,384 - That is brilliant, right there. 2114 01:38:32,428 --> 01:38:33,516 - I've done that. 2115 01:38:33,559 --> 01:38:36,736 [gentle guitar music] 2116 01:38:42,438 --> 01:38:45,180 - I believe I'll have a scotch. 2117 01:38:45,223 --> 01:38:48,052 [audience cheers] 2118 01:38:54,102 --> 01:38:55,233 Oh, wait, I've already got one. 2119 01:38:55,277 --> 01:38:56,278 Go ahead, nevermind. 2120 01:38:57,279 --> 01:39:00,412 [gentle guitar music] 2121 01:39:01,631 --> 01:39:05,635 - I believe that the way to a man's heart 2122 01:39:05,678 --> 01:39:07,506 is not through his stomach. 2123 01:39:07,550 --> 01:39:08,943 It's a little further south. 2124 01:39:09,987 --> 01:39:12,772 [audience cheers] 2125 01:39:12,816 --> 01:39:15,950 [gentle guitar music] 2126 01:39:18,213 --> 01:39:21,085 - I believe the only thing worse than having diarrhea 2127 01:39:21,129 --> 01:39:24,915 is trying to have it quietly in a public restroom. 2128 01:39:24,959 --> 01:39:27,787 [audience cheers] 2129 01:39:31,617 --> 01:39:32,967 - That's right, when I get that, 2130 01:39:33,010 --> 01:39:35,752 I always go into the crippled stool. 2131 01:39:37,493 --> 01:39:39,930 - The crippled stool? 2132 01:39:39,974 --> 01:39:41,105 - Yeah, 'cause if you get that, 2133 01:39:41,149 --> 01:39:43,151 the crippled stool, they always keep clean, 2134 01:39:43,194 --> 01:39:44,674 so you know it ain't dirty, 2135 01:39:44,717 --> 01:39:46,110 and you got a lot of room in there 2136 01:39:46,154 --> 01:39:48,025 for stretching your legs out, 2137 01:39:48,069 --> 01:39:51,072 and you got rails for power squeezin'. 2138 01:39:51,115 --> 01:39:53,117 That's another good deal. 2139 01:39:53,161 --> 01:39:55,990 [audience cheers] 2140 01:39:56,860 --> 01:39:57,817 - He's thought this out. 2141 01:39:58,818 --> 01:40:00,081 - I know. 2142 01:40:00,124 --> 01:40:01,865 - I believe the crippled stool 2143 01:40:01,908 --> 01:40:04,520 is the Cadillac of the poopin' stools. 2144 01:40:04,563 --> 01:40:07,218 [audience laughs] 2145 01:40:07,262 --> 01:40:10,439 [gentle guitar music] 2146 01:40:22,712 --> 01:40:23,974 - It's your turn. 2147 01:40:24,018 --> 01:40:28,326 - I believe guns don't kill people. 2148 01:40:28,370 --> 01:40:30,067 Husbands that come home early do. 2149 01:40:31,112 --> 01:40:33,984 [audience cheers] 2150 01:40:39,294 --> 01:40:42,427 [gentle guitar music] 2151 01:40:44,603 --> 01:40:47,911 - I believe, if you can't say something nice about somebody, 2152 01:40:47,954 --> 01:40:51,175 you must be talking about Hillary Clinton. 2153 01:40:51,219 --> 01:40:54,048 [audience cheers] 2154 01:40:58,922 --> 01:41:01,968 [gentle guitar music] 2155 01:41:04,493 --> 01:41:07,061 - I believe the phrase time in a bottle 2156 01:41:07,104 --> 01:41:10,716 refers to the amount of beer you can drink before last call. 2157 01:41:10,760 --> 01:41:13,676 [audience cheers] 2158 01:41:16,026 --> 01:41:19,377 [gentle guitar music] 2159 01:41:19,421 --> 01:41:22,032 - I believe if you let somebody cut in front of you 2160 01:41:22,076 --> 01:41:25,079 in traffic and they don't give you the little wave, 2161 01:41:25,122 --> 01:41:27,472 it should be perfectly legal to get up underneath them, 2162 01:41:27,516 --> 01:41:30,084 get them loose, and put them into the wall. 2163 01:41:30,127 --> 01:41:32,956 [audience cheers] 2164 01:41:39,876 --> 01:41:43,749 [gentle guitar music] 2165 01:41:43,793 --> 01:41:45,099 - I believe, 2166 01:41:45,142 --> 01:41:46,883 [audience laughs] 2167 01:41:46,926 --> 01:41:50,887 if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, 2168 01:41:52,280 --> 01:41:55,674 and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka 2169 01:41:57,589 --> 01:41:58,460 and have a party. 2170 01:41:59,417 --> 01:42:02,116 [audience cheers] 2171 01:42:05,293 --> 01:42:06,511 - I believe that's all we've got. 2172 01:42:06,555 --> 01:42:07,904 Good night and God bless y'all. 2173 01:42:07,947 --> 01:42:09,340 Thank you. 2174 01:42:09,384 --> 01:42:12,169 [audience cheers] 2175 01:42:12,213 --> 01:42:15,172 [audience applauds] 2176 01:42:28,577 --> 01:42:30,405 Good night, thank you. 2177 01:42:43,113 --> 01:42:45,681 [upbeat music] 2178 01:42:59,347 --> 01:43:03,177 I knew Denver was the right place to do this. 2179 01:43:03,220 --> 01:43:04,352 You guys rock! 2180 01:43:05,570 --> 01:43:08,399 [audience cheers] 2181 01:43:10,662 --> 01:43:11,750 You're the best. 2182 01:43:11,794 --> 01:43:14,231 Thank you, thank you, thank you. 2183 01:43:14,275 --> 01:43:15,319 - [Bill] God bless everybody. 2184 01:43:15,363 --> 01:43:16,320 Good night. 2185 01:43:31,205 --> 01:43:33,250 ♪ Five o'clock on Friday 2186 01:43:33,294 --> 01:43:36,035 ♪ And we're out, ready to roll 2187 01:43:36,079 --> 01:43:38,647 ♪ Meetin' my friends at seven 2188 01:43:38,690 --> 01:43:41,171 ♪ To head out to the show 2189 01:43:41,215 --> 01:43:43,608 ♪ Wheeling into the parking lot ♪ 2190 01:43:43,652 --> 01:43:46,263 ♪ With a cooler full of beer 2191 01:43:46,307 --> 01:43:48,657 ♪ The redneck on my trailer hitch ♪ 2192 01:43:48,700 --> 01:43:51,225 ♪ And a gun rack in the rear 2193 01:43:51,268 --> 01:43:53,923 ♪ Window 2194 01:43:53,966 --> 01:43:58,971 ♪ It's Blue Collar Boys havin' fun ♪ 2195 01:43:59,929 --> 01:44:01,626 ♪ Get up early, stay out late 2196 01:44:01,670 --> 01:44:04,150 ♪ And we always Git-R-Done 2197 01:44:04,194 --> 01:44:06,718 ♪ There's a lot of things that we believe ♪ 2198 01:44:06,762 --> 01:44:09,243 ♪ And it's easy to see why we all agree ♪ 2199 01:44:09,286 --> 01:44:11,723 ♪ Glad to be back with all our friends ♪ 2200 01:44:11,767 --> 01:44:15,858 ♪ And the Blue Collar Boys ride again ♪ 2201 01:44:15,901 --> 01:44:18,469 [fans chatter] 2202 01:44:20,123 --> 01:44:22,256 - That's my sister-in-law! 2203 01:44:33,267 --> 01:44:35,269 - It's the first t-shirt he's ever sold. 2204 01:44:35,312 --> 01:44:36,879 He's very excited. - Ever. 2205 01:44:36,922 --> 01:44:38,968 I have never been so thrilled in my life. 2206 01:44:40,274 --> 01:44:41,927 Take a look at this. 2207 01:44:44,234 --> 01:44:46,236 - I'm runnin' outta ink. 2208 01:44:49,326 --> 01:44:51,720 - There you go, darlin'. - I love you! 2209 01:44:51,763 --> 01:44:54,113 ♪ Bass boat's missin' and Daddy went fishin' ♪ 2210 01:44:54,157 --> 01:44:56,464 ♪ Church is gonna have to wait 2211 01:44:56,507 --> 01:44:57,987 ♪ Barbecue's burnin' 2212 01:44:58,030 --> 01:45:01,686 ♪ Radio churnin' greatest hits of George Strait ♪ 2213 01:45:01,730 --> 01:45:06,604 ♪ And I know every word from every song that Skynyrd done ♪ 2214 01:45:06,648 --> 01:45:11,653 ♪ "Free Bird", "Sweet Home Alabama", and "I Ain't the One" ♪ 2215 01:45:12,828 --> 01:45:16,962 ♪ We're just Blue Collar Boys havin' fun ♪ 2216 01:45:17,833 --> 01:45:19,661 ♪ Get up early, stay out late 2217 01:45:19,704 --> 01:45:22,446 ♪ I'm a hard-workin' son of a gun ♪ 2218 01:45:22,490 --> 01:45:24,796 ♪ There's a lot of things that we believe ♪ 2219 01:45:24,840 --> 01:45:27,625 ♪ It's easy to see why we all agree ♪ 2220 01:45:27,669 --> 01:45:30,019 ♪ Glad to be back with all our friends ♪ 2221 01:45:30,062 --> 01:45:35,067 ♪ And the Blue Collar Boys ride again ♪ 2222 01:45:35,938 --> 01:45:37,722 - [Jeff] Ride that thing, Tater! 2223 01:45:37,766 --> 01:45:39,245 - [Ron] Git-R-Done! 2224 01:45:39,289 --> 01:45:41,030 - [Larry] Hey, man, where's your sign at? 2225 01:45:41,073 --> 01:45:42,727 - [Bill] I got it tattooed, and that's funny. 2226 01:45:42,771 --> 01:45:44,294 I don't care who you are. 2227 01:45:44,338 --> 01:45:45,687 - [Larry] Hey, Jeff, this mustache, 2228 01:45:45,730 --> 01:45:47,253 you may be a redneck if? 2229 01:45:47,297 --> 01:45:50,082 - [Jeff] You might be a redneck if you ride it for 50 cents. 2230 01:45:50,126 --> 01:45:52,084 - [Ron] Mustache rides for 50 cents. 2231 01:45:52,128 --> 01:45:53,869 Hold on, mister. 2232 01:45:53,912 --> 01:45:57,220 - I want to show you the most disgusting bed 2233 01:45:57,263 --> 01:45:59,918 in the United States. 2234 01:45:59,962 --> 01:46:02,094 - And this includes homeless people. 2235 01:46:02,138 --> 01:46:03,705 - This is horrible. 2236 01:46:08,231 --> 01:46:09,363 Look at this. 2237 01:46:10,886 --> 01:46:13,279 Is this a landfill or what? 2238 01:46:14,585 --> 01:46:16,631 - [Ron] He cleaned it up yesterday. 2239 01:46:16,674 --> 01:46:17,893 - [Jeff] It's cleaned up. 2240 01:46:19,068 --> 01:46:20,852 - [Larry] I believe, no matter hard you try, 2241 01:46:20,896 --> 01:46:22,550 you can't baptize cats. 2242 01:46:22,593 --> 01:46:24,421 - [Bill] All right, that wasn't too bad. 2243 01:46:24,465 --> 01:46:26,684 - [Larry] That's pretty good! 2244 01:46:26,728 --> 01:46:29,383 The first time we ever sung that song in public, thank you. 155131

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