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[upbeat music]

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[horn blows]

- Oh, man.

[cow moos]

Whew.

[Bill groans]

- Oh, good granny.

Good granny.

What is wrong with you?

You know the rule.

Stand up in the bathroom,

sit down at the truck stop and the hotel.

That's not funny.

- Hey, you ordered the Frito chili pie.

[Jeff groans]

- Gah.

[Bill laughs]

- Hey, don't look at me.

- [Ron] What's funny about it?

What do you think is funny about it?

- It's not funny.

It's nasty. - Sick.

- Shh, shh, shh, shh.

- Mornin' fellas.

- Oh my god.

[men laugh]

- [Ron] He went to work on his shoes.

- [Jeff] I don't believe he can stay in there.

- Hey, I'm gettin' hungry.

Y'all got any of that Frito pie?

[Bill laughs]

- [Jeff] Hal, find me an airport.

I can't do this four more months.

- All right, here's the deal.

I at least want a shot at not going last this time,

so we're gonna draw the numbers out of a hat.

Whatever number you draw,

that's what position you're go up on the show.

Is that fair?

- Fair. - Fair.

- Fair. - Yeah, that's fair.

- Ronnie, go first.

- [Larry] Come on, last.

- Two!

- Whoo, number one!

Leadin' off.

- 7 3/4.

- 7 3/4?

- You tore the tag out of the hat, idiot.

Draw a number.

- [Ron] Little drumroll, come on.

[Bill and Jeff laugh]

- Going last!

[audience cheers]

- [Announcer] Denver!

Are you ready for Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again?

Please welcome Mr. Bill Engvall!

[audience cheers]

- Thank you very much.

Well, now I know why we did this in Denver.

[audience cheers]

- Tonight, we're gonna talk a little bit about relationships

and what I see as the basic difference

between men and women.

And I don't think I'll be making any of this mess up.

[audience laughs]

I think the biggest difference between men and women

is this: men are basic, just basic.

There's not a whole lot of frills.

That's why, ladies, when you ask a fella question,

a lot of times the answer you get is I-dunno.

[audience laughs]

Basic.

Women are details,

details, details, details.

[women cheer]

Yeah.

If you don't got the details, do not talk to a woman.

I'll give you a great example.

My friend, Joey, and I were working out at the gym

the other day, and Joey says to me,

"Hey man, I'm getting a divorce."

And I said, "Oh, that sucks.

Can you spot me?"

[audience laughs]

That was our whole conversation.

I understood it.

He understood it.

So, I go home

and I tell my wife, I go, "Hey, Joey's getting a divorce."

"Oh my God, what happened?"

I-dunno.

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

She said, "What do you mean? [grunts]

Was he cheating on her?

Was she cheating on him?"

I said, "Again, baby, I don't know.

I'm not holding anything back here.

You got a better chance off getting the answer

out of the dog."

And that's when it hit me.

That's why dogs don't talk.

[audience laughs]

They've learned.

[audience cheers]

She said, "Bill, how can somebody tell you

they're getting a divorce and you don't ask any questions?"

And I said, "Baby, 'cause he didn't ask me a question."

All right?

What he said was a statement.

He said, "I'm getting a divorce," which said to me,

I have the situation in hand

and require no further input on your part.

[audience laughs]

Now, had Joey said,

"What do you think about me getting a divorce?"

Then I would have said,

"Well, you're gonna be dating again,

you need to work on your abs."

[audience cheers]

Lord, that's the only reason I got married,

my gym membership ran out.

[audience laughs]

You see, ladies, men have three basic needs in life.

That's it, three,

eating, sleeping, sex.

That's it, that's our whole day.

And I can do all three of those in my truck

[audience laughs]

by myself

[audience cheers]

in traffic.

See, I've been married awhile,

so I'm having to relearn all this stuff I thought I knew,

you know, like her little signs

and what kind of mood she's in.

'Cause I thought I knew them,

but apparently, I don't.

Like, one night we was lying in bed,

getting ready to go to sleep.

We turn off the lights,

my wife puts her hand on my shoulder,

rolls over and gives me kiss and says, "Goodnight."

And I said, "Well, good night."

I went to sleep.

[audience laughs]

Next morning, she goes, "What happened to you last night?"

[audience laughs]

Well, what do you mean,

what happened to me last night?

She said, "Well, I was in the mood."

[audience laughs]

I said, "Well, why didn't you say something?"

She said, "I put my hand on your shoulder."

[audience cheers]

I said, "Baby, let me think if I can explain this to you.

You know those bars called topless bars?"

She said, "Yeah,"

and I said, "They don't sell shoulder dances."

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

I ain't never met a guy in my life

that get his shoulder touched and he goes, "Hey, yeah!"

So, a couple of weeks later, we're lying in bed.

She kind of pushes on my shoulder.

I said, "All right."

This rodeo's fixing to kick off.

So, I start putting my moves on,

and she goes, "No, not tonight.

I'm not in the mood."

I said, "You touched my shoulder."

She said, "No, I pushed your shoulder.

Touch means go, push means no."

[audience cheers]

Is there a manual to this machine?

You see, marital sex is kind of like ordering

a Civil War chest set through the mail.

You get one piece every four to six weeks.

[audience laughs]

You don't know what kind of shape that piece

is gonna be in when you get it,

but you still got to pay the handling charges.

[audience cheers]

Well, see, now that our kids are kind of grown up,

we're having to spend a little more time together.

And when you're dating,

you spend all the time in the world together,

'cause chances are, you're gonna end up having sex.

After you've been married a long time,

chances are you just gonna be spending time together.

So, now she wants us to start doing things together.

I said, "All right, we'll do things together."

First thing out of her mouth,

"Let's go on a whale-watching trip."

I said, "What?"

She goes, "I want to get in the boat and go see the whales.

Let's go see the whales."

And I said, "No, that's a 60-foot animal.

We're in a six foot rubber boat.

We're a bath toy."

She said, "Well, I want to go see 'em."

I said, "We're not gonna go see 'em."

She goes, "We're gonna go see 'em."

And I said, "Well, all right."

[audience laughs]

[women cheer]

So, the day of the trip, I'm whining and moaning

'cause I don't want to go,

and especially 'cause we're going with

these other couple friends of ours who are from California,

and they're nice people, don't get me wrong,

but we just don't see eye to eye.

So, we get down on the dock and this dude

is right in my face, like, "Bill, dude, check this out.

All right, check this out.

Do you know what would, like, totally make my day?"

And I said, "A GED?"

[audience laughs]

He said, "No.

No, dude, I don't want a ged.

Dude, check this out.

[audience laughs]

This would like totally make my day, all right?

So, we're out in this little boat.

All right, check this out,

and we're on the waves, like going, whoa, waves.

Whoa, waves, whoa.

And then, like, it would be so righteous

if, like, this whale just, like, went right by the boat.

That would make my day."

So, we're out in this little boat in the middle of the ocean

and surf boy gets his wish.

Out of nowhere, this humongous whale comes out of the water

right by the boat, and goes [imitates whale spray]

and sprays this nasty liquid all over the boat.

And the Californians are freaking, like, "Oh my God,

he sprayed us, that is so cool.

He sprayed us, he sprayed us."

I'm like, "He blew his nose on us!"

[audience laughs]

We just paid 200 bucks apiece

to have a whale hock a loogie on us.

And then the whale went [screeches]

and they're like, "What'd he say,

what'd he say, what'd he say?"

I'm like, "He said [screeches] that's what he said.

Which means I just blew snot on you.

I'm gonna go tell my friends."

[audience laughs]

See, we just need to leave the animals alone.

God, just let them live their lives.

[audience cheers]

we are so bent on figuring everything out about animals.

They're just animals.

We don't have to, all right, great example.

In California, in the desert,

they found bones of this prehistoric porpoise.

And they're saying it's interesting

'cause this porpoise's upper jaw

sticks out a lot further than its lower jaw.

So, I'm figuring, he's got to look like.

[audience laughs]

And they're trying to figure out if this upper jaw

was used during sex or for eating.

And I'm thinking, you know what?

You can rule out sex.

Because if you look like this,

sex ain't happening, all right?

[audience laughs]

I mean, what if it's just a goofy looking fish?

You know, like a dork fish.

[audience cheers] You know?

He'd be out in that desert like,

"Oh, this ain't the ocean.

Whew, I'd better find me some water!"

[audience laughs]

Can you imagine if you were fishing

and you caught a dork fish?

'Cause you know your friends would be like,

"Hey, man,

what kind of fish is that?"

You'd be like, "Oh, nothing."

[audience laughs]

'Cause you know that fish would stick his head

out of that bucket, "I'm a dork fish.

He caught me on a corn dog.

I swear to God.

I was swimming underneath the ocean,

and I said, 'What's a corn dog doin' underneath the ocean?'

But, boy, you know me, I love them dang corn dogs."

So, she's wanting,

she's wanting to do some stuff together.

So, I said, "All right, I've got an idea

for something we can do together.

Let's go deer hunting.

[audience cheers]

We did the whale watching thing,

let's go deer hunting."

Fair's fair.

Well, I knew this was gonna be a mistake

when we was driving out to where we were gonna hunt,

and we keep passing these deer crossing signs,

and my wife, who's the smartest person I know,

says to me, "Why do they put those signs up?

Deer can't read."

[audience laughs]

No, but they do recognize pictures of themselves.

Let me set the scene for ya.

I got on camouflage pants, I got on a camouflage jacket,

camouflage ball cap, I got camouflage paint on my face.

I've got a .30-06 with a laser scope.

She is in a yellow jogging suit,

[audience laughs]

white tennis shoes, and she brought her purse.

I'm here to kill a deer.

She's gonna take it shopping.

[audience laughs]

So, we get in the stand.

Any of you hunters out there,

you know the time of day I'm talking about.

Man, oh, yeah.

It is the perfect time of day.

It's dark, it's early morning, it's cold.

You're making steam with your breath.

Off in the distance,

you hear a turkey gobble as he wakes up for the day.

A squirrel scampers through the dead leaves.

It is the perfect time of day.

It's quiet,

kinda.

[audience laughs]

Because in the darkness of our deer stand,

I'm hearing things like this.

[Bill sighs]

"Bill.

[audience laughs]

What are we doing?"

"We're, um, we're waiting for the deer to show up,

okay, honey? [shushes]

You gotta be really quiet."

[Bill sighs]

"What time do they show up?"

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

"I, uh, I don't know.

They didn't return the phone call to set up the meeting.

Now, please, be quiet."

"Bill.

I've gotta pee."

"There's a coffee can."

"Oh, wake up."

The sun has come up,

and in the clearing stands a buck, 10 points,

good 250, and I'm like, oh.

Thank you, God.

You are on the wall.

And this is what I hear.

"Oh!

Isn't he cute!

He looks like Bambi's dad.

Remember, we saw that movie with the kids?"

"Yes, I remember that movie, it was a cartoon,

now please, shut up."

"Well, you're not gonna shoot him, are ya?"

"What do you think I brought this gun for?

Protection?

Like that deer might run up this tree and rob us?"

She freaks, she goes, "Run, deer!

Run, run, run!"

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

That is the only time

I've ever pushed a woman out of a tree.

[audience applauds]

I do joke about her, y'all,

but you know, I love her to death.

She gave me two beautiful kids,

and I look forward to getting old with her,

and I tell you a great little story

happened not too long ago.

My son, who plays piano now,

he's getting really good at it,

and we was sitting in the den the other day.

My wife and I was watching TV,

and he comes in, he goes, "Hey, Dad,

I'm gonna play you a song on the piano."

I said, "Hey, great."

So, I go into where the piano is,

and he goes, "I'm gonna play you a song from Harry Potter."

And I said, "Oh, cool, the movie?"

He goes, "Nope, the book."

Here's your sign.

[audience cheers]

Oh, we've had some good ones this year.

I was talking about hunting, last October,

I went hunting down at the ranch,

and I had on, again, my camouflage pants,

camouflage jacket, camouflage ball cap.

We did the morning hunt, didn't get anything.

Well had to go into the Walmart at lunch

to get some supplies,

and I walk in the front door to Walmart

and the greeter goes, "You been hunting?"

I said, "Nope, I'm on my way to a tree hugging party."

Here's your sign.

[audience cheers]

I'll tell you one my wife did.

I was off, I got booked on this corporate job,

and it was in Arkansas and it was a morning show,

so we had to fly in the night before

on this little puddle jumper airplane

to this remote airstrip at night.

I was not thrilled.

When we landed on the runway at night,

we hit a deer with our airplane.

[audience laughs]

You cannot make this up.

And it killed the deer, it wrecked the engine,

we had to evacuate the plane.

Well, they put us in this little minivan

and their busing us back to this terminal,

and I'm laughing at this point,

'cause this is the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life.

I mean, how do you hit a deer with an airplane?

[audience laughs]

So, I called my wife on the cell phone.

I said, "Baby, you're not gonna believe this.

We just hit a deer with our airplane."

And there was a silence on the other end of the line,

followed by, "Oh my God, were you on the ground?"

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

I said, "Nope, Santa was making one last run."

Here's your sign.

And I had one, almost got me thrown in jail.

I took my wife to Europe this year,

and we had been over there for a couple of weeks.

We bought a couple of paintings, about that big,

you know, about 11 by 15,

and they were too small to check

and we didn't want to get them damaged,

so we just carried them on the airplane.

Well, our plane lands from Frankfurt, Germany,

into Los Angeles for customs.

We'd walked off the plane into customs.

We're holding the paintings in our hand,

and the customs agent goes,

"Did y'all buy them paintings outside of the country?"

[audience laughs]

No.

No, see, we carry this one all the time with us,

and my wife painted this one while we was waiting in line.

Here's your sign.

God bless you, Denver.

Thank you very much.

[audience cheers]

Keep it going for my buddy, Ron White!

[upbeat music]

- Easy, Seabiscuit.

The Chinese have a space program now.

It's not like the U.S. space program,

because in the Chinese space program, Tang

[audience laughs]

is one of the astronauts.

[audience applauds]

I lived in Mexico for a couple of years,

and I was in a horrific car crash in Mexico.

Some of you know this,

and I had a metal plate put in my head by a Mexican doctor.

No kidding.

And the weird thing was,

right before he performed the surgery,

he said, "Be very careful.

This plate is hot."

[audience laughs]

You ever take a crap so big your pants fit better?

Has that ever happened to anybody in here?

Anybody?

[audience cheers]

I'm hoping that happens to me later tonight,

because these babies don't fit anymore,

and I'm hoping I'm one big turd away

from backing into an old wardrobe.

I decided last week that there were too many support groups

in this country, you need to pick your own self up and go.

You know, I saw this commercial last week,

and it was for a bladder control awareness group.

I'm like, let me explain something to you.

If you have a bladder control problem,

you're probably aware of it.

[audience laughs]

Or you're in some weird-ass denial

I've never even heard of, you know?

Bob, I got a moisture problem in this area,

and I don't know if it's condensation due to high humidity

or if I'm pissing myself, Bob.

[audience laughs]

Well, I'll tell you a little bit about myself.

My brother's a doctor and my sister's an attorney,

and I hate Thanksgiving.

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

Last year, we're sitting around the dining room table

and my brother tells a story

about all the neat lives he'd saved.

My sister tells a story about winning a lawsuit

for an orphanage and helping the children.

My mom goes "Well, Ron?

[audience laughs]

Is there anything new with your career?"

And I go, "Yeah,

I got new bit about sticking my pecker in a toaster."

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

Maybe I should have told my story first.

Well, that's enough comedy.

I'd like to talk for just a little bit

about firework safety.

That's something I like to do every time I speak in public.

No, seriously, years ago,

my friend, Timmy Smithers, and I

went to a 4th of July celebration,

and at one point in the festivities,

Timmy leaned back too far with a lit punk

and ignited the main fireworks display for the evening,

inevitably causing his death,

and not a night goes by that I don't wake up

feeling horrible, because I know in my heart

there was more I could have done to save his life.

But it was so pretty.

[audience laughs]

Timmy, no!

Would you look at that?

That's the beginning of the Chinese space program.

[audience laughs]

My childhood was fraught with tragedy, actually.

I wasn't a bright child.

I had a very weak vocabulary.

In fact, if I'd have known the difference

between antidote and anecdote,

my friend, Bobby Schneider, would still be alive today.

[audience laughs]

He got bit by copperhead,

I'm reading him funny stories out of "Reader's Digest".

His head's starting to swell.

I'm like, "It ain't working."

He goes, "Read faster!"

[audience laughs]

Things are going great, though, for me, not for my grandpa.

He can't afford Viagra.

So I buy him ginkgo biloba

and now he can remember what it's like to have a hard-on.

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

Things are going great, though.

I just got married a couple of months ago,

and I'm very excited.

I'm as happy as I've ever been in my life.

[audience cheers]

The first time we made love,

it was a little awkward, because, well,

you've heard of these screamers, right?

Well, apparently, she had never been with one, right?

'Cause I'm,

[audience laughs]

I'm going at it.

I'm like, [screams]

She's like, "What's up with that?"

I'm a screamer, baby.

Daddy makes a little racket in the sack.

[audience laughs]

I'm from Texas.

I'm a cowboy, a real cowboy.

I was a bronc rider for six years of my life

[audience applauds]

and it's affected me.

Now, when I have sex, my arm goes like this.

Seems to be some dispute between the wife and I

whether or not I'm staying on that full eight seconds.

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

So, we got the timer and buzzer

and set it up right there in the bedroom,

and I taught her the meaning of the phrase most of the time.

Would have been all the time,

but she won't let me tie that rope around her waist anymore.

She hates it when I spur her out of the chutes.

[audience laughs]

Hey, you laugh.

It's not easy to keep an erection

with a clown and a barrel in the corner of the room.

[audience laughs]

Is it, sir?

I'm probably not a typical Texan,

in that I don't hunt.

I fish, but I don't hunt,

and not because I think it might somehow be more holy

to eat meat that's been bludgeoned to death

by somebody else.

That's not it.

It's really early in the morning.

It's really cold outside,

and I don't want to go.

[audience laughs]

My cousin, Ray, on the other hand,

things killing a deer with a deer rifle

is magic in the forest,

and I'd like to do for you now my impression

of my cousin, Ray, after the big kill.

"Well, it was four in the morning,

22 degrees outside.

Of course, you weren't there, pussy.

[audience laughs]

I'm in a camouflaged deer blind

with grease paint on my face.

I've got deer urine on my boots.

I'm not sure why."

[audience laughs]

I made that part up.

[audience cheers]

"I got a .30-06 with a 12-power scope

and a bullet that'll travel 2200 feet per second.

When that deer looked up to lick the salt sucker

I'd hung from the danged old tree

[audience laughs]

caught him right above the eye."

Yeah, well, I hit one with a van,

[audience laughs]

going 55 miles an hour,

with the headlights on and the horn blowing.

[audience cheers]

Whew, that's an elusive little creature.

If you ever miss one,

it's 'cause the bullet's moving too fast.

Slow that bullet down at 55 miles an hour,

put some headlights and a little horn on it,

the deer will actually jump in front of the bullet.

[audience laughs]

It's kind of weird, when we got married,

we got married in Nassau,

and we were walking down the street

and we'd just gotten married.

It was a beautiful day.

We'd been married for 45 minutes, so things are going great.

[audience laughs]

And this guy comes up to me and my wife and he goes,

"Hey, man, I saw you on that Blue Collar deal."

And I said, "Well, thank you very much,"

which is a stupid thing for me to say,

'cause he didn't say he liked it.

He just said he saw it, right?

But I don't always know what to say,

so I said, "Thank you very much.

I hope you have a nice day."

And I turned around and he goes,

"I was talking to you."

I'm like, "What?"

He goes, "Do you like Garth Brooks?"

[woman cheers]

I'm like, "Yeah, I like Garth Brooks fine."

I don't, but I said I did,

because I just wanted to get on with my day.

He goes, "Garth Brooks is only entertainer in America

worth paying money to see,"

and I was like, oh, now I'm trying not to be a jerk.

because my manager told me I couldn't be a jerk anymore,

no matter what, right?

[audience laughs]

So, I said, "Well, I'm sure a lot of people feel that way,

'cause he's a great entertainer.

And he's got throngs of fans and sold a billion records.

Anyway, have a nice day."

He goes, "I camped out one time for five days

to get Garth Brooks tickets."

I'm like, "Really?

I wouldn't camp out for five days if I was camping."

[audience laughs]

[audience applauds]

I told that story three weeks ago in Nashville, nothing.

[audience laughs]

Like I just told a big Jesus joke

in the middle of Bethlehem.

This guy actually accosted me after the show.

He goes, "You don't understand Garth Brooks."

I'm like, "Yeah, I do."

He goes, "No, you don't.

He's country and he's rock and roll."

I know.

[audience laughs]

"He's like Led Zeppelin with a big ass big belt buckle.

He's like Aerosmith with a can of Skoal.

He's Donnie, and he's Marie."

[audience laughs]

"Take him camping with ya."

[audience cheers]

I married a rich woman, if you ever have a choice,

go ahead.

Actually, that's a lie.

She's not rich at all.

Her parents are lo-ded-duh.

and they hate my gu-uh-uts,

and I'm waiting for them to die-ie.

And you'll know if they die, too,

'cause you'll never see my fat ass again.

[audience laughs]

I hear a lot of this.

I hear a lot of,

well, Ron, you're pretty good sized ol' boy.

Well, I guess your wife's a good coo-ook.

[audience laughs]

Bullshi-it.

Oh, it got a little better

when she figured out that smoke alarm's not a timer.

[audience applauds]

I had to tell her, "Honey,

the food is done before that particular buzzer goes off."

It was real bad when we first got married.

The first meal she cooked in our new house,

I couldn't eat it.

I couldn't even tell you what it was.

I gave it to my dog, Sluggo.

He started licking his butt.

She comes in and goes, "What's he doing?"

I'm like, "Look like he's trying

to get the taste out of his mouth."

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

Everything's an emergency with my wife,

'cause she never had to deal with her own problems.

Spoiled, catered to her whole life.

There's no cure for that.

That ain't gonna get better later, I fear.

[audience laughs]

I was in Atlanta one time and she calls me one night

and missed me in the hotel room.

They catch me in the lobby

and tell me I have an emergency phone call from home.

I knocked over 10 people in the lobby of a very nice hotel,

thinking maybe my in-laws...

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

I call her, she tells me my dog, Sluggo,

just took a dump on the new carpet.

I'm like, "Shoot him."

She goes, "That's just like you, Ron.

I have a genuine problem, and you're being sarcastic."

"All right, honey, I'm sorry.

Put the dog on the phone, I'll talk to him."

[audience laughs]

What do you want me to do?

I'm in Georgia.

I can't pick up the turd.

"Put a paper towel over it, I'll be home in a week, honey"

I get home, it looks like a little campground

in the living room,

like they're waiting to buy tickets

to a miniature Garth Brooks concert.

[audience cheers]

Let him outside.

He'll crap out there.

I've seen him do it.

[audience laughs]

When I first met my wife,

she had this 15 year old Scottish terrier

and it was kind of wobbly.

And the first time I saw the dog,

I was like, oh, this dog's about to die,

and I don't want to go through the death of this dog

with this woman, I just met her.

Sure enough, two weeks later, clunk, dead,

and she's inconsolable, in bed, crying.

I've seen people lose it over the death of a pet,

but this dog lived for 15 years.

If you want to beat that by very much,

you've got to get a tortoise or a tree.

[audience laughs]

And she's just losing it, and I don't know what to do,

and I call Foxworthy and I tell Foxworthy,

I said, "Buddy, I'm lost here."

He goes, "Get her another dog,"

or however he talks.

[audience laughs]

So, I tell her, I said, "Honey, I'll get you another dog,"

and she just loses it.

"I don't want another dog.

I never want another dog.

I want my Tati back."

I'm like, yeesh.

So, I listened to it for like a week,

and I'm like, you know what?

I'm gonna get another dog.

So, I find this place that raises Scotties where we live,

not too far, and I get her in the car

and I tell her where we're going,

and at first, she's against it.

"I don't want a dog.

I never want another dog.

I want my Tati."

But we get down there, right?

She sees them all hopping in the window,

pick me, pick me, you know?

[audience laughs]

And I buy her this little black Scottish terrier puppy,

and I give it to her, and folks, it heals her heart.

It heals her heart.

Well, two weeks ago, her father passed away,

and I'm like, I think I see a way out of this.

[audience laughs]

So, I get her in the car.

She doesn't know we're going to the old folks home, right?

[audience applauds]

And when I tell her, at first, she's against it.

"I don't want a new daddy.

I don't want a new daddy."

But we get down there,

she sees them all hopping in the window,

pick me, pick me.

[audience laughs]

She wanted a black one.

I'm like, keep it simple, that's what I'd do.

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

Nothing wrong with it.

Think it through, though, you know?

He acts weird when I'm in the room,

but I think it's because he smells my daddy on me.

[audience laughs]

I'm a dog lover.

[audience cheers]

Actually, I love my dog.

I don't care about your dog at all.

I really don't.

I don't know if that's enough to make me a dog lover or not.

We have three dogs.

We have two Scottie's, and then my dog's a bulldog,

Sluggo, English bulldog.

[audience cheers]

You know what I do to him when he's asleep?

I lift up those big, old, huge bulldog jowls

and I hide M&Ms and crap in there.

[audience laughs]

He wakes up in the morning.

He's like, [slurps]

gonna be a good day, Tater.

[audience cheers]

He calls me Tater.

Great dog.

I studded him out last year for pick of the litter,

and I put him with a female dog for a couple of weeks,

'cause every once in a while,

you just feel like getting your dog laid.

You know, he hadn't been laid.

He's been in the backyard for two years, shaking.

Do you know somebody, Tater?

Is there somebody you could call?

Could you throw a poodle over the fence, buddy?

I'm turning blue back here.

[audience laughs]

Then, to make sure it took,

I took him down to the veterinarian's office

and had artificial insemination done twice.

Now, for those of you that don't know,

that's where they obtain the semen from Sluggo

and put it in the female dog,

and now it's pretty easy to get old Sluggo

to go to the vet.

[audience laughs]

You say something around my house that sounds like vet,

Sluggo's humping air.

[audience laughs]

I went down there, the veterinarian had the audacity

to say to me, "Mr. White, if you'll just come on back here,

we'll show you how to do this,

and next time, you don't have to bring in the dog.

You can just bring in the semen."

I was like, "That's okay.

[audience laughs]

He follows me around too much as it is."

[audience applauds]

Two months ago, he ran away, and he was gone for 10 hours.

All day, and when he got home, just to piss him off,

took him for a walk.

You guys were great.

I hope you enjoyed it.

This has been fun. [audience cheers]

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jeff Foxworthy.

[upbeat music]

[audience cheers]

- Thank you very much.

Ron White, everybody.

[audience cheers]

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Man, it is so cool to be back together with these guys,

doing this, you know?

I swear. [audience cheers]

'Cause this is a group where I know I fit in, you know?

'Cause they way the world is now,

you can be part of a group and not even know

you're a part of a group until you read about it

or see it on TV, and I'll give you an example

of what I'm talking about.

My wife and I, we love watching, like, Dateline,

20/20, those shows,

but you know how every week they will feature a disease,

and I swear to you, every week,

no matter what the disease is, my wife has it.

There'll be three people on the planet

that have this disease, my wife is one of them.

She just watches it going,

"I've got it.

I have every one of those symptoms."

I'm like, "You do not have testicular cancer."

[audience laughs]

You don't even have testiculars.

[audience laughs]

But they've made us such a bunch of paranoid nuts,

you know, because when I was growing up,

there were two medicines in the world.

You had aspirin and Campho-Phenique.

That's all there was.

Now there's so many medicines,

and they got this prescription stuff

that they advertise on TV, and I swear,

half the time, the side effects are 50 times worse

than what the medicine cures.

[audience cheers]

It's like, try new Floraflor.

For itchy, watery eyes, it's Floraflor.

Side effects may include nausea, vomiting,

water weight gain, lower back pain,

receding hairline, eczema, seborrhea psoriasis,

itching, chafing clothing, liver spots,

blood clots, ringworm, excessive body odor,

uneven tire wear, pyorrhea, gonorrhea, diarrhea,

halitosis, scoliosis, loss of bladder control,

hammertoe, the shanks, low sperm count,

warped floors, cluttered drawers, hunchback,

heart attack, low resell value on your home,

[audience laughs]

feline leukemia, athlete's foot,

head lice, club foot, MS, MD, VD,

fleas, anxiety, sleeplessness, drowsiness, poor gas mileage,

tooth decay, parvo, warts, unibrow, lazy eye,

fruit flies, chest pains, clogged drains,

hemorrhoids, dry heaving, and sexual dysfunction.

[audience cheers]

I'm watching it going, you know what?

I'll just have itchy, watery eyes.

And some the side effects,

have you seen the commercial for Cialis,

the Viagra knockoff?

In the commercial, they will tell you,

if this pill does what it should

and you have this condition

for longer than four continuous hours,

you should go to the hospital.

You know what?

I might go to the hospital,

but I'm wearing that little gown they give you backwards,

[audience laughs]

and walkin' the halls, baby.

[audience cheers]

How you doin'?

Who's got a flag?

Hey, you want to hang that coat up?

The worst side effect I've seen, there's this diet pill,

and one of the side effects that they list is anal seepage.

You know, I don't care how much weight you lose,

if this side effect kicks in,

you ain't looking good in them jeans.

Oh, man, check out the girl over there.

Ah, man!

[audience laughs]

Anal seepage.

It's not even fun to say,

much less write on an insurance report,

and not medical insurance, homeowners,

to explain why your sofa's sitting

at the end of the driveway.

[audience laughs]

There are some goofy medical things out there.

They had a guy on Ripley's Believe It or Not

about a year ago, that, in a tragic accident,

got his happy place chopped off,

and his doctor, in a fit of brilliance,

decided they were going to cut the man's finger off

and use it to create a new happy place.

And I'm sitting there watching this,

thinking, I want to see this guy

put his contact lenses in.

[audience applauds]

And this is not the man you ask directions from.

Well, take a right out of the parking lot,

then they're gonna have to make a U-turn.

That's okay.

We'll find it by ourselves, thanks.

Thanks.

[audience cheers]

Can you imagine the pre-surgery consultation?

The doctor going,

"Well, I think we're gonna attempt to do

is to remove one of your fingers

and use it to create a new happy place for you."

"One of my fingers?

It ain't gonna be my pinky, is it, doc?

'Cause, listen, I don't use my left arm all that much.

Y'all can go ahead and take it right there at the shoulder."

[audience applauds]

You know, probably my favorite channel on TV

is the Outdoor Channel,

'cause I've always loved the outdoors,

hunting and fishing and stuff.

[audience cheers]

I'm addicted to the Outdoor Channel,

just because it's amazing,

the footage they get of these animals.

Like, you'll see things like,

"All right, we're down here deer hunting

at the Pearl's Ranch in South Texas,

and there's a giant 14-point buck eight yards away from us."

You know, and that's fascinating to watch,

but that is not the kind of hunting I grew up with,

'cause if they had filmed us, it would have been more like.

"All right, uh,

we're out here hunting on somebody's property.

[audience laughs]

And right now we can see this deer,

or either a real little cow,

so I'm gonna see if I can ease my window down

real quiet-like. [audience cheers]

Get the gun and see if I can't get it out.

Wait a minute, Danny,

hold my beer.

[audience cheers]

All right, I'm having a hard time getting steady on him.

Danny, you and Charlene, knock it off back there, man.

All right, there he is.

I got him. [imitates explosion]

Oh, man.

That wasn't a deer.

That was a propane tank.

[audience laughs]

Oh, and that lady is mad.

That's Mama, that's our propane tank!"

[audience applauds]

Now, of course, my wife's favorite TV show

is the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy".

My wife loves that show.

[audience cheers]

Lot of women like that one.

Guys, you know what I'm talking about?

If you haven't seen it,

it's the show where women will dump their boyfriend off

for the weekend with five gay guys,

and then they take him and they buy him new clothes

and they get his hair cut and they clean up his apartment.

And I told my wife, I said, "This only works one way.

Men would not be allowed to dump our girlfriends off

for the weekend with five hookers and say,

'Just slut her up, just a little bit, you know?'"

[audience cheers]

But I told my wife, I said,

"What I would like to see them do is flip flop that show

and put it on the Outdoor Channel,

and let like five rednecks take the gay guy

deer hunting for the weekend, you know?"

[audience cheers]

"Hey, friends, we're down here at the hunting camp

with our new buddy, Eric,

and last night, Eric was kind enough to make dinner for us.

Now, what was that you made, Eric?

A lavash and goat cheese salad.

Well, to be honest with you, we couldn't eat it,

but we opened up a can of Hormel chili,

dumped that on top of it, and it was pretty durn tasty.

[audience cheers]

You put that Hormel on top of your head,

your tongue'll beat your brains out

trying to get to that stuff.

Well, after dinner, we went out by the fire pit

where Buddy Wayne pulled out his guitar

and played some country songs,

and then Eric jumped up on the picnic table

and sang 'It's Raining Men' and a medley of Cher hits.

Then we came back in the cabin,

where Eric slept on the couch

and the five of us locked ourselves in the bunk room

and pushed the chest of drawers up against the door."

[audience laughs]

And I know somebody's gonna hear this and go,

"Oh, Foxworthy's homophobic."

Trust me, I am not homophobic.

And I had a friend point out a real interesting thing to me.

He said, "Jeff, you ever thought about it?

There's a lot of similarities

between gay guys and married guys."

I said, "You think so?"

He said, "Well, think about it."

He said, "If you're a man and you're sleeping in a bed

that has a dust ruffle on it in seven pillows,

you're either gay or married.

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

If you're a man and you've ever been antique shopping

during a big football game,

you're either gay or married.

If you're a man and you cannot remember

the last time you had sex with a woman,

You're either gay or married."

[audience cheers]

And getting back to my original premise

about knowing that you're part of a group,

I was reading this thing the other day

and it was talking about people being

part of the Oreo generation,

and what it was saying was people that waited

until their mid thirties to have kids, like my wife and I.

See, 'cause my parents got married when they were like 20.

I was born nine months to the day

after my parents were married.

Nine months to the day, that must've been a ceremony.

"I do.

Could you turn around just one minute there, Reverend?"

[audience laughs]

But the same people that waited til their mid-thirties,

it said you're kind of an Oreo

because you're raising your children

and you're also raising your parents,

who, in their elderly age,

are kind of reverting back to childhood.

And I told my wife, I said, "You know what this means?

It means we've got two that are out of diapers

and two that are going into 'em."

And as bad as it was with the little ones,

I can't imagine it's gonna be any more fun

with the big ones.

I just don't want to be sitting there,

watching football with my father-in-law, going,

[audience laughs]

"Ed.

[audience laughs]

Don't you lie to me, Ed."

[audience applauds]

But there are similarities between the kids and the seniors.

I mean, they both have

their own special menu at restaurants.

You've gotta worry about both of them with drugs,

'cause it's not just the teenager.

Seniors get ahold of some good stuff.

The last time we were at my in-laws,

I made the comment that my sinuses were kind of stopped up,

and my mother-in-law said,

"Do you want to stop the sniffles or not feel your head?"

[audience laughs]

She opens up her purse and pulls out this little baggie

that looks like it's full of Skittles

and grabs this tiny green pill,

and she said, "Say hello to my little friend."

[audience laughs]

I took that pill, I woke up two days later,

laying in the backyard, talking to Elvis.

She's at the door, going, "Get up, you baby.

I take four of those and go to the grocery store."

[audience laughs]

You know, and the kids don't listen to you,

and the seniors can't hear ya.

My mother-in-law has a hearing aid

that she only wears about half the time,

and you could always tell when she's not wearing it,

because she talks louder than any human being on the planet.

Four or five months ago,

we're in line at the movie theater one night,

and they're with us, and she says to me,

"Don't look now,

but the man behind us is cross-eyed as a bat."

[audience laughs]

And one, you're embarrassed to death,

and two, when somebody says something like that,

you gotta look.

[audience laughs]

I turn around and this guy is glaring at me.

Well, he may not have been glaring at me,

but he was glaring at somebody.

This guy was mad.

[audience cheers]

You know, and the kids wear their pants

falling off their butts,

and the seniors wear 'em up to their armpits.

My father-in-law got his chest hair caught in his zipper.

[audience laughs]

And I look at all this,

and what makes me scared is I know I'm next in line.

And let me tell you, I can tell I'm getting older,

a lot of ways I can tell.

One, about a year ago, somebody broke into my truck

and I keep a case in there with like 24 CDs in it.

They stole three of them.

[audience laughs]

Thank God the Anne Murray's still here.

Where's the "Best of Bread"?

Where's the "Best of Bread"?

[audience laughs]

Two, I have finally broke down and got a recliner.

I used to always make fun of my dad and his recliner.

I have a recliner now, and I love it.

I used to travel the world at a moment's notice.

I get in that recliner, I'm not getting out of that thing.

I just wait on people to walk through the house.

Hey!

Do me a favor and make me a sandwich.

I think I smell smoke.

Is the house on fire?

[audience laughs]

Hey, if you see flames,

there's an extinguisher under the sink in the kitchen there.

But the worst one, a couple of weeks ago,

my wife and a few of her friends were making jokes

and giggling about this product called Astroglide.

It's this, apparently,

[audience cheers]

it is this lubricant that they sell in the drug store

right next to the condominiums.

[audience laughs]

But it's supposed to be really good stuff.

I mean, apparently you're able to put it on a Cadillac

and get it in a dog house.

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

But as they're talking about it, I swear to you,

my first thought was, I bet I can put that on the poles

the bird feeders are on and keep the squirrels off of 'em.

[audience laughs]

The squirrels are driving me crazy.

If you come by my house at five o'clock in the morning,

you will see me on the back porch in my underwear

with night vision goggles, holding a BB gun,

waiting on the squirrels.

[audience applauds]

Just embarrasses my kids to death,

which is the way I believe life is supposed to work.

The parents are supposed to embarrass the kids,

and the kids are supposed to embarrass the parents.

[audience cheers]

I embarrassed my kids so bad in the last school year.

I have two daughters.

I live next door to my brother, who has three daughters,

so almost every day, I drive them to school.

And last year, while I was driving them to school,

we ran out of gas in the carpool lane,

because my wife does not realize it's actually legal

for women to purchase gasoline.

[audience laughs]

But we run out of gas,

and people are honking the horn and having to back up

and go around us, and the kids are just mortified.

So, the next morning, when I took them,

I made sure that the tank was just as full

as it could possibly be,

and I pull up to the front of the school,

and they have like these assistant teachers

that help open the door.

And I'm not even trying to be funny,

but as we pull up to the front,

I roll down the passenger window and yell out,

"I've got gas this morning!"

[audience laughs]

And the kids are like, "Oh, God, just go home.

Just go home."

[audience applauds]

But, see, then they turned around and embarrassed me,

because they're reaching this age where

I think they have a natural curiosity

that's starting to develop, and bless their hearts,

you know, they have no brothers or boy cousins

to check out anything on.

But I can tell that they're at this age,

because, y'all, when I get in the shower,

there is nobody else in that bathroom.

Now, when I get out of the shower,

there are five little girls just loitering.

[audience laughs]

So, finally I confront them.

I said, "Why are all of you in this bathroom?"

And my youngest one, who's really funny,

she said, "We're trying to see a hoo-hoo."

[audience laughs]

I said, "Well, I'm gonna tell you

all you need to know about hoo-hoos.

Hoo-hoos are extremely poisonous."

[audience laughs]

And without missing a beat, she said,

"They are not, or the dog would be dead."

[audience laughs]

[audience applauds]

I hate a smart kid, I swear.

But the cool thing that's happened to me

from living with all these women is, through the years,

I've learned a ton of things about women.

And one of the things that I've recently realized

is that men and women both appreciate smells,

but we do not appreciate the same kinds of smells.

Women apparently appreciate pleasant smells, like flowers.

You give a woman a bouquet of flowers,

they're like, [sniffs]

"Oh, that smells like heaven."

You give a man a bouquet of flowers,

we're like, [sniffs] "Smells like 50 bucks."

[audience laughs]

But women love flowers and perfume and potpourri

and those scented candles.

You know, you just never see men in a Wicks 'N' Sticks.

Hey, Jack!

[audience laughs]

Bayberry.

But women spend billions of dollars

on things that smell good,

trying to cover up things that smell bad,

and men spend billions of dollars on things

that just smell bad.

You give me and my buddies a bottle of doe in heat urine,

we can entertain ourselves for the weekend.

[audience laughs]

[Jeff sniffs]

Your turn.

[audience applauds]

I used to have a little spray bottle for mine,

but my wife took it away from me,

because at last year's family Christmas party,

somebody sprayed some on her brother's pants leg,

and then our dog fell in love with him.

[audience cheers]

And my wife said it was mean,

but everybody that's seen the video just says it's funny,

so I'm going with funny.

[audience laughs]

But men have an appreciation for unpleasant smells.

Like, you ever seen a guy cleaning out a closet

and he'll find a gym bag that he's forgotten about

for five or six months,

you know, with sweaty workout clothes in it,

and he'll open it up and like, "Oh, man! [gags]

Oh, that is the stinkiest thing

I've ever smelled in my life.

Charlie, come here and smell this!"

[audience applauds]

And Charlie, having heard all of that,

will get off the couch,

walk across the room, and not only smell it,

I'm talking about, [sniffs] "Oh, man!

That'd knock a buzzard off a gut wagon.

Ralph, come here and smell this!"

And my wife watches this and she said,

"That is just barbaric."

And I said, "No, it's not.

You just don't understand what's taking place."

I said, "Man number two and three,

out of the goodness of their heart,

are giving man number one a courtesy sniff.

[audience laughs]

And from now on, man number one

owes man number two and three a courtesy sniff in return.

And man number two and three are banking on,

somewhere down road, they'll come up with something stinkier

than what man number one has right now."

You ever seen a car sitting at a red light,

and there's like five guys in it, and all of a sudden,

all four windows go down,

and there's four guys hanging out of the car,

just cussin' like crazy?

And there's one guy sitting in the middle in the back,

just laughing? [audience applauds]

You know why he's laughing?

[audience cheers]

He's cashed in his courtesy sniff.

And the only thing that could make him happier

was had he been driving and had control of the window locks.

You guys have been awesome.

Thanks for listening.

[audience cheers]

Thank y'all.

Thank you very much.

Thanks, y'all.

Thank you, thank you.

[audience cheers]

Thanks, y'all.

All right, y'all, we have reached the portion of the show

where we're gonna make you feel better

about your own family.

Please welcome Larry the Cable Guy.

[audience cheers]

[upbeat music]

- All right, Git-R-Done!

All right, thank you, thank you.

Appreciate it, you like that little dance right there?

[audience cheers]

Yeah, had to get my underwear out of my crack.

Good Lord, good to see ya.

I'm happier than Rosie O'Donnell

at a buffet of Little Debbie Oatmeal Cremes.

I tell you what, boy.

Git-R-Done.

That's right.

I'm gonna tell you right off,

I'm walking a little limpy tonight.

I had a vasectomy done at Sears last week.

Now, every time I get excited, the garage door goes up,

so that ain't good.

Almost broke it off the hinges

watching Britney Spears last week.

Up, down, up, down, up, down.

Good Lord.

Did you know Britney Spears hurt her leg

and had to cancel some dates?

But they said with the proper rehabilitation,

she should be back on her knees in no time, so that's.

[audience cheers]

All right.

That's funny. [chuckles]

I don't care who you are, that's funny right there, now.

[audience cheers]

I'm gonna tell you this story.

I was driving down the road the other day,

and I get pulled over and the police man says,

"You been drinking?"

I'm like, "No, why?

Is there a fat girl in my back seat?"

[audience laughs]

Good Lord.

My God, there's two of them.

I guess I was drinking.

Good Lord.

Don't you hate it when you get so dadgum drunk

you look in your pocket the next day

and there's some girl's number in there with a name,

and you don't know nothing about it?

So, you call her up and you get this, "Hello?"

"Yeah, Debbie there?"

"This is Debbie."

[audience laughs]

I ain't drinkin' no more, that's ridiculous right there.

I ain't drinkin'.

What I'm gonna tell you is I was driving down

to see a buddy of mine in Tulsa, Oklahoma, not long ago.

That's right, you know what Tulsa spelled backward is?

A slut.

[audience laughs]

You know what a slut backward is?

$100. [laughs]

Git-R-Done, that's funny.

[audience cheers]

All right, but I'm gonna tell you,

I was driving down there and I had one of them renty-cars

that had a voice activated radio,

like you wanna hear country music, say country,

country'd come on.

You want to hear rock and roll, rock and roll'd come on.

I wanted to hear country music,

and I was about to say country and some car cut me off

and I said, "You stupid moron,"

and Dr. Laura come on the radio on there.

That ain't right, don't laugh at that.

Lord, I apologize for that there.

Be with the pygmies, amen.

But I was going down there to see my buddy down there,

ad I stopped at the Hooters when I was down.

Have you seen the shorts on them girls at the Hooters?

[audience cheers]

Good Lord.

Tell you what, if they get any shorter,

the FDA is gonna start making 'em wear hair nets.

I tell you that much, 'cause that's ridiculous.

Good Lord.

Need to go to church or something.

If you don't think that's funny,

you get the hell out of here,

'cause that's a funny joke right there.

That's a funny joke.

That's funnier than watching midgets run track right there.

I tell ya, that's a funny joke.

So, I get down to see my buddy,

and I was at his house and he was fighting with his nephew.

I guess his nephew got in some trouble.

He's in 10th grade and he had sex with his teacher.

And I was like, hey, that's mighty cool, you know?

But the bad part is he's homeschooled.

[audience laughs]

You know, so, that ain't good.

That ain't good at all.

I know, that ain't good.

That ain't right.

Lord, I apologize for that there,

and be with the pygmies in New Guinea, amen.

[audience cheers]

But my buddy lives in a real bad neighborhood down there,

and we was watching TV and he said,

you want to watch "Cops"?

I said yeah, so we went out and sat on the front porch.

And it was a repeat, figure that out.

[audience applauds]

We was down there a couple of days,

went to a strip club down there,

and this girl, yeah, this girl got mad at me,

and I tipped her with Monopoly money,

and she goes, "That's fake money."

I'm like, "Those are fake titties."

[audience laughs]

But I like to keep it dank a little bit, you know?

That's ridiculous.

I got kind of worried when I was down there,

'cause the whole time I was down there,

I was talking on the cell phone,

one of them cellularized telephones.

But I got kind of scared,

'cause I was reading in the paper the other day,

'cause my neighbor got up late.

[audience laughs]

It said if you talk a lot on them cell phones,

it could put microwaves into your body,

and I think that's true,

'cause I was talking on it the whole weekend,

went home and pooped a Hot Pocket.

[audience laughs]

So, there's something to that.

Is this the dumbest part of the show right here?

It's got to be close, too.

But I got upset when the cell phone people

started sponsoring the NASCAR, 'cause I'm a traditional.

I like Winston, that's what I like right there.

[audience cheers]

You know, it pissed off a lot of my relatives.

My grandpa, when he found out it wasn't Winston,

he was like, "You mean to tell me

they ain't gonna use the Winston Cup no more?"

[audience applauds]

I mean, it was something.

Lord, I apologize for that there, and be with the pygmies.

Amen.

No, but I told you last time we got together,

I always thought Stayfree Mini Pads

oughta do NASCAR sponsorship.

I just thought the announcing would be pretty cool.

It's a beautiful Summer's Eve here at the track.

[audience laughs]

The KY Jelly car has just accelerated

and easily slipped into the number two hole.

[audience cheers]

Git-R-Done.

Oh, Lord.

The Vagisil car has been itching

and burning rubber all season out there

and is number one in the Busch standings.

[audience laughs]

All right, that's right.

But I like cars and driving fast and all that.

When I get places, I usually drive,

'cause I don't fly the airplanes.

I'm scared of them,

and whatever happened to good lookin' flight attendants?

Good Lord, I had the Oak Ridge Boys with titties

on this one airplane I was on.

They were ugly, I'll tell you,

and I looked right at that one girl,

my wiener went in and out my butt crack.

I mean, that's how ugly.

That's a true story right there.

I ain't making that up.

I seen her, my wiener come out, went like that,

turned around [blows raspberry] shot

right out my dadgum hind end there.

And that's documented right there.

You know you're ugly when you're making fellers

poop their own wiener, you know what I mean?

That's Glamour Shots right there or something.

[audience laughs]

I float on an airplane one time,

'cause I had to go see my grandma.

She was having some trouble,

and they thought, she thought she was getting lip cancer

from secondhand chew.

[audience laughs]

And we had to go take care of that.

I tried to make her feel better.

Her air conditioner went out in her trailer,

so she wanted some fans up,

so I put seven ceiling fans up in her single wide.

And I think it was too many.

She turned them all on Wednesday and her roof took off,

so that wasn't a good thing.

But the one thing my grandma does do that irritates me,

she gets the walkin' farts, you know?

Every step she takes, something come out, you know?

[Larry imitates farts]

But it's horrible.

But the worst part is she gets the walkin' farts

at the flea market.

And that's bad, 'cause when she's at the flea market,

she wears them Spandex drawers,

so now it can't escape nowhere, you know what I mean?

And she let out a walking fart in them Spandex drawers.

Looked like a mouse run down inside of her pant leg

right there like that.

[audience laughs]

Good Lord, yeah.

And then, it starts to form a big ball

in the back of her britches, 'cause it can't escape.

It looks like she stole a cabbage or something,

and the feller running the cabbage stand in there

thought she was stealing cabbages.

So he goes, "You're stealing cabbages."

He went to rip her britches down,

I'm hauling ass about this time, you know?

I know Hiroshima fittin' to hit up there at the flea market.

When he ripped them down, good Lord,

that sounded like a big rig letting out the brake pressure.

[audience laughs]

He ripped them down, and it [blows].

What the hell?

Critters running around.

Critters running around with no fur on 'em

and people melted to the walls

and grandpa's pissed.

He's like, "You wanna get out of the flea market

before you kill everybody in here, it's ridiculous."

[audience laughs]

I tell you what, I got a strange dadgum family,

that's for sure.

My aunt, she's a big ol' woman,

and she good lookin', though.

She's 370 pounds, but she good lookin'.

She's a runway model out at the airport.

[audience laughs]

But she, what she is is a hypochondriac.

She always thinks there's something wrong with her,

cancer, tumors, whatever.

But we were sitting on the couch having a nice time

watching the TV, and she'd do this about every five seconds.

She'd go.

[audience laughs]

It's irritating me.

And I'm like, "What in the world are you doing?"

She goes, "I think I got a tumor in my butt crack."

[audience laughs]

"You don't get tumors in your butt crack.

You're a hypochondriac, for God's sake."

She goes, "No, there's a little lump up in there somewhere."

She said, "Look up in there.

See if you see a little lump up in."

"I'm not looking up in your butt crack

for a tumor on a Sunday.

Go to the doctor."

She went to the doctor.

You know what it was?

A Milk Dud.

You believe that?

She sat on it watching "Walker, Texas Ranger".

[audience laughs]

My family's something else.

I got, my little brother was over at the house

the other day, I ain't never told you about him.

He was born deaf.

His whole life, he's been deaf,

but he's real good with the sign language,

but he's got Tourette's, too,

so he's kinda like that, you know?

[audience laughs]

[audience applauds]

Yeah, that's not good.

It's not good.

But my momma talks to him all the time

with the sign language.

I tried to learn how to do it,

but I can't get a finger in edge wise, you know,

and these people. [audience laughs]

But he's pretty talented.

He's a song writer, and he got a song out now

you might wanna hear.

It's called [mocks deaf speak].

Lord, I apologize for that there,

and be with the starving pygmies in New Guinea, amen.

[audience cheers]

Git-R-Done.

All right.

I got another sister, had a baby,

and she was in labor for 38 hours,

which is ridiculous.

I give up on a poop after 20 minutes.

[audience laughs]

You know, she had that, but she's a good sister.

She come to see my program two days after she had that kid,

by God, and I made her laugh so hard

milk shot out of her nipples.

I tell you what, geeze.

She's a good girl.

I love her to death.

My brother just celebrated the second, Git-R-Done.

[audience cheers]

That's right, by God.

Appreciate it, I'll see ya at the house.

My brother just celebrated his second wedding anniversary,

and they was gonna celebrate.

He wanted to have sex and she wanted to go to Outback

and my grandma wanted to go to church

and have 'em rededicate the wedding vows,

so they all compromised

and they had sex out back of the church.

[audience laughs]

I was gonna get married one time.

You know, it's hard finding the right person.

I was living with a girl for about eight months,

until she found out I was there.

[audience laughs]

That didn't work too good.

It didn't.

But there was another girl that I was in love with,

and we was gonna get married,

but she wasn't gonna take my name,

so I broke that relationship off,

'cause I'm a traditionalist.

I think they oughta take the name.

Plus, I thought it'd be cool, both of us named Larry.

You know, I thought that'd be nice.

You know, but didn't work out too good.

She always irritated me.

I don't know why women do this,

and she did this all the time.

She used to stack stuff in the medicine cabinet,

and then you open it up and stuff would fly out at you.

You know, they had them cotton balls in there,

serves as like a spring action device or something.

Well, she was walking around the house one day,

she's mad at me, yelling at me,

I don't know, she had cramps or something,

but I opened the door up to the medicine cabinet

and the dadgum tampon flowed out, hit in the eyeball,

landed in the toilet,

and the minute it hit that water in the toilet,

went [imitates explosion].

[audience laughs]

I'm like, good Lord,

that's where the cramps are coming from, right there.

[audience applauds]

Look at that.

[audience cheers]

You see the size of that thing right there?

You need to buy a smaller size.

No wonder I can't satisfy you.

Look at that thing in there.

That thing's huge.

Thing is huge in there.

Unbelievable,

the size of that thing right there.

But we was at the dadgum store the other day,

and they had these little shorty shorts,

and I can't wear little shorty shorts.

I ain't in very good shape, you know what I mean?

I used to be a lifeguard, til some blue kid got me fired.

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

Git-R-Done!

But I'll tell you where there's some out of shape folks,

that's the church I go to.

Good Lord, you oughta to see these people.

Old Lady Peacock is 326 pounds.

She got up to sing in the choir at the church.

She sang "Love Lifted Me".

[audience laughs]

A crane couldn't life Old Lady Peacock.

"Love Lifted Me", my brother nudges me.

He goes, "Love ain't gonna do it without a winch,

I'll tell you that much right there, that ain't workin'."

She's mad at my dad right now,

'cause she come over at visitation or something,

and she walked in.

She goes, "I'm gonna get my stomach stapled."

He goes, "To what, the Country Buffet down there?"

Good Lord.

[audience cheers]

I tell you what church you stay in shape in,

that's the Catholic church.

Good, you been in there?

You gotta be in shape to go through that service,

and I'd never been in there before,

and I walk in with a buddy of mine.

He's going down there,

and I was following people in front of me,

and I got bad knees.

And I walk in there, minute I get in there,

and they all kneel down, so I kneel down like this.

Get down, and the minute I get down,

we back up again, like this.

And back down again we go like this.

I'm like, you son of, here we go, right back up again.

Good Lord, we was down, up, sit down,

we did two shots.

I mean, it was something else.

[audience cheers]

It was ridiculous.

It was ridiculous.

It was ridiculous.

But you do get in shape in there, and that's the good thing.

I was at a Victoria's Secret the other day,

and I was picking on them little shorty short britches.

They have the, britches in there for fellers,

they're a little too tight for me.

You ever put them on?

You put them on, it looks like your tonsils

are hanging out of your dadgum shorts.

I mean, it's ridiculous.

[audience laughs]

My girlfriend was like, "Go in there

and try them little shorty shorts on."

I'm like, "That ain't happening."

So, I go in there and try 'em on.

[audience laughs]

Good Lord, they split my boys in two places,

they were so tight.

I had a boy come out the left side

and the boy come out the right side.

I even had a boy I didn't know about

come out of them shorts.

And then she's like, "Come on out.

Let's take a peek at you."

I'm like, "I'm staying right here."

So, I go walking out.

[audience laughs]

People were looking at me like what in the world?

You look like your tonsils are coming out

of your dadgum shorts.

I think the women got it real bad, though.

Y'all's shorts is really tiny.

I mean, you need to be groomed up in them places,

you know what I mean?

Bikini waxed or something, which is sexy.

We fellers like that.

You don't want your girlfriend coming at you naked,

look like a ZZ Top concert just got out or something.

You don't want that.

[audience cheers]

You don't want something like that.

But women want fellers to do that,

and that's what irritates me.

My girlfriend wanted me to groom up the private areas,

and that's stupid.

[audience laughs]

Fellers ain't supposed to do that,

you know what I mean?

And she got that idea from them girl magazines y'all read.

I don't know what it is.

She was reading a "Hog Hunter".

She was reading a "Hog Hunter" magazine there,

and she goes, "Why don't you shave your private area?

It'll look sexy."

I'm like, "I ain't doing none of that kind of garbage.

I ain't one of them."

And, so, I'm in there shaving my private area in there.

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

That was real sexy.

I come out of the bathroom with little red bumps

and toilet paper squares all over the area down here.

Good Lord.

[audience applauds]

That was not, I was standing there naked.

I looked like a grub worm with a turtleneck on.

That's what I looked like.

[audience laughs]

Good Lord, if I was a girl, I'd never shave.

I tell you that much.

I'd be at the beach, look like I was smuggling Chewbacca

in my undershorts, that's what I'd do.

Git-R-Done, thanks a lot, y'all.

[audience cheers]

Git-R-Done!

Y'all fellas can Git-R-Done.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

All right, all right.

[audience cheers]

[audience whoops]

Hey, I'm gonna tell you,

this is my favorite part of the show right here.

Let's bring the boys back up.

Now, come on!

[audience cheers]

Bill Engvall, Jeff Foxworthy, Ron White!

[audience cheers]

- Larry the Cable Guy!

[audience applauds]

- Too bad we couldn't get a good crowd in Denver.

- I know, it's too cold.

- I gotta tell you, this is,

this has been a very special night for us.

[audience cheers]

You guys have been awesome.

And I think I can say for all of these guys,

we feel very blessed to have been able to do this

for 20 years and be friends,

and especially to get to do this together.

- Yeah, amen on that.

[audience cheers]

It's been the best job I've ever had.

- [Jeff] Me, too.

- And I got to thinking about that.

We have been blessed to be able to,

with having great fans and be able to tell jokes

and make a living, and thank God,

because we ain't trained to do nothing else.

And with that thought in mind,

I was saving this for the last show.

If you weren't doing this,

what job do you think you'd be doing?

- [Audience Member] Janitor!

- I hate it when my mother comes to the show, I hate it.

[audience applauds]

I don't, I don't, I don't know.

I'll tell you a job I think I'd be qualified to do.

I was doing a show four or five months ago

in Huntington, West Virginia, and as I was flying in,

we had to divert because the plane in front of us

skidded on the runway,

because he forgot to put his wheels down.

I mean, it seems to me

that ought to be on the checklist somewhere.

But they diverted us to this airport in Ashland, Kentucky.

It's the tiniest airport I've ever been to,

and then the guy that was supposed to pick me up,

couldn't find the Ashland airport,

because if you get behind that bush, you can't see it.

You can't see it.

So, I sat there for like two hours

with the two guys that worked there part-time.

[audience laughs]

Do you think I'm making that up?

I'm not.

When they're not cutting grass, you know,

they do the thing at the airport.

And I asked him, I said,

"What is the most exciting thing that's ever happened here?"

And one of the guys said,

"Well, last year a goose

flew into the windshield of a Cessna."

And I said, "Really?"

I said, "Did it break it?"

And he said, "No."

He said, "Them windshields are tough."

He said, "You know how they test them?"

And I said, "No."

He said, "They shoot chickens out of a cannon at 'em."

[audience laughs]

And I was thinking, I remember career day in high school.

I remember plumbers.

I remember lawyers.

I do not remember a booth where you could sign up

to shoot chickens out of a cannon

at the windshield of an airplane,

'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that.

[audience cheers]

So maybe that.

- If this hadn't worked out, it's a scary thought,

but I think I would be still doing what I was doing,

my last job, and I was a tour guide for an underground cave.

[audience laughs]

- Did you have a uniform?

- Oh, we had a jumpsuit with the little name tag on it,

said Bill, and it was not a great job,

but it's probably where my comedy started,

'cause if you put people underground, they freak.

[audience laughs]

And we used to have to walk backwards through the cave

so we could keep an eye on the tour,

and I got fired from that job,

because I used to like to go around the corner

and come back screaming, "Bats, bats, bats!"

[audience laughs]

People don't appreciate that.

- Plus, having to walk out with wet pants the whole way.

- Yeah.

- What about you, what do you got?

- I used to shoot chickens outta cannons at airplanes.

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

No, I'm gonna tell you,

I did have a job one time,

I used to work at the flea market.

I liked working up there, but I always nice feller.

I used to sell stuff,

but I didn't want to overcharge people.

And I always sold myself short, is what I did.

Like, people'd come up and they'd go,

"How much you want for that?"

And I'm like, "20 bucks,"

And they'd be like, "Give me five of 'em."

I'm like, dadgum, I could've got more for them.

You know?

And I still do that to this day.

I can't figure out.

Like, I was at the restaurant the other day eating,

and the waitress come by and she says,

"You need anything else?"

And I was just kidding around,

and I go, "Yeah, how about a neck rub?"

She started giving me a neck rub,

and I was like.

[audience laughs]

I coulda had more!

- All right, this one I want to hear.

- I cannot imagine you having a real job.

- You know what?

The last job that I had was at a pickle factory.

I promise, and I got fired for putting my finger

in the pickle slicer.

- You got fired for putting your finger in a pickle slicer?

- She got fired, too, both of us got fired.

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

Lord, I apologize.

- You'd better.

- Your sister never worked in a pickle factory, did she?

- I don't think so.

- We did this tour for a little over three years,

and hundreds of shows,

and never once in those hundreds of shows

did any of y'all ever see him bring a guitar on stage.

- No, this is a new thing.

[audience cheers]

- Well, let me tell you.

I started tinkering around with a guitar.

I started doing it in Las Vegas

at the Mirage Hotel one time.

I was opening up for this new act out there

called Siegfried and the Righteous Brothers.

And I knew that we was working on that song

that we wanted to do.

- Oh, the sing what they want thing.

- So, I thought, you didn't know it,

but I figured we play some.

- Why not? - We're gonna do that?

- I've been practicing, too.

- [Jeff] It'll be fine, let's do it.

- All right, this is a song we writ called "I Believe".

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, writ?

- Writ.

- I didn't writ any of it.

- You wrote two thirds of it,

or a quarter of it, whatever.

- Yeah, don't try to do math.

- If Larry's gonna start doing fractions,

you may want to go to the concession stand or the restroom.

[audience cheers]

- All right, but this is a song-

- [Audience Member] I love you, Larry!

- I told you to wait in the truck.

[audience cheers]

I love ya.

That ain't right.

That wasn't right.

- All right, the name of this is...

- All right, all right, here we go.

- "I Believe".

- The name of this is "I Believe", okay?

[audience cheers]

- "I Believe".

- "I Believe".

- This song is called "I Believe".

- Yeah, they got that.

- I already said that.

- Out of everything, this is what we believe.

Or to Spanish people, it's "Yo Believe-o".

[audience laughs]

- "Yo Believe-o"?

- Oh, "El Believe-o", whatever.

Yo, el, whatever.

But it go like this here.

[gentle guitar music]

I believe that Britney Spears

should be one of Baskin Robbins' 31 flavors.

[audience cheers]

Two scoops!

[gentle guitar music]

- I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong

should have to go through an application process.

[audience cheers]

[gentle guitar music]

- I believe that ignorance of the law is no excuse,

and I'm quoting a New York City judge on this one.

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

[gentle guitar music]

[audience laughs]

- How old are you?

- Old enough to learn how to play this.

- Wait, well, when's your birthday?

- February 17th.

- No, what year is your birthday?

- Every year, February 17th.

[audience laughs]

- You asked.

[gentle guitar music]

- I believe you show me a three-year-old

running around a flea market in his underpants

drinking Coca-Cola out of a baby bottle,

and I'll show you a future NASCAR fan.

[audience cheers]

[gentle guitar music]

- I believe that sometimes you got wreck the truck

to get the insurance money to make the truck payment.

[audience cheers]

[gentle guitar music]

- That is brilliant, right there.

- I've done that.

[gentle guitar music]

- I believe I'll have a scotch.

[audience cheers]

Oh, wait, I've already got one.

Go ahead, nevermind.

[gentle guitar music]

- I believe that the way to a man's heart

is not through his stomach.

It's a little further south.

[audience cheers]

[gentle guitar music]

- I believe the only thing worse than having diarrhea

is trying to have it quietly in a public restroom.

[audience cheers]

- That's right, when I get that,

I always go into the crippled stool.

- The crippled stool?

- Yeah, 'cause if you get that,

the crippled stool, they always keep clean,

so you know it ain't dirty,

and you got a lot of room in there

for stretching your legs out,

and you got rails for power squeezin'.

That's another good deal.

[audience cheers]

- He's thought this out.

- I know.

- I believe the crippled stool

is the Cadillac of the poopin' stools.

[audience laughs]

[gentle guitar music]

- It's your turn.

- I believe guns don't kill people.

Husbands that come home early do.

[audience cheers]

[gentle guitar music]

- I believe, if you can't say something nice about somebody,

you must be talking about Hillary Clinton.

[audience cheers]

[gentle guitar music]

- I believe the phrase time in a bottle

refers to the amount of beer you can drink before last call.

[audience cheers]

[gentle guitar music]

- I believe if you let somebody cut in front of you

in traffic and they don't give you the little wave,

it should be perfectly legal to get up underneath them,

get them loose, and put them into the wall.

[audience cheers]

[gentle guitar music]

- I believe,

[audience laughs]

if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade,

and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka

and have a party.

[audience cheers]

- I believe that's all we've got.

Good night and God bless y'all.

Thank you.

[audience cheers]

[audience applauds]

Good night, thank you.

[upbeat music]

I knew Denver was the right place to do this.

You guys rock!

[audience cheers]

You're the best.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

- [Bill] God bless everybody.

Good night.

♪ Five o'clock on Friday

♪ And we're out, ready to roll

♪ Meetin' my friends at seven

♪ To head out to the show

♪ Wheeling into the parking lot ♪

♪ With a cooler full of beer

♪ The redneck on my trailer hitch ♪

♪ And a gun rack in the rear

♪ Window

♪ It's Blue Collar Boys havin' fun ♪

♪ Get up early, stay out late

♪ And we always Git-R-Done

♪ There's a lot of things that we believe ♪

♪ And it's easy to see why we all agree ♪

♪ Glad to be back with all our friends ♪

♪ And the Blue Collar Boys ride again ♪

[fans chatter]

- That's my sister-in-law!

- It's the first t-shirt he's ever sold.

He's very excited. - Ever.

I have never been so thrilled in my life.

Take a look at this.

- I'm runnin' outta ink.

- There you go, darlin'. - I love you!

♪ Bass boat's missin' and Daddy went fishin' ♪

♪ Church is gonna have to wait

♪ Barbecue's burnin'

♪ Radio churnin' greatest hits of George Strait ♪

♪ And I know every word from every song that Skynyrd done ♪

♪ "Free Bird", "Sweet Home Alabama", and "I Ain't the One" ♪

♪ We're just Blue Collar Boys havin' fun ♪

♪ Get up early, stay out late

♪ I'm a hard-workin' son of a gun ♪

♪ There's a lot of things that we believe ♪

♪ It's easy to see why we all agree ♪

♪ Glad to be back with all our friends ♪

♪ And the Blue Collar Boys ride again ♪

- [Jeff] Ride that thing, Tater!

- [Ron] Git-R-Done!

- [Larry] Hey, man, where's your sign at?

- [Bill] I got it tattooed, and that's funny.

I don't care who you are.

- [Larry] Hey, Jeff, this mustache,

you may be a redneck if?

- [Jeff] You might be a redneck if you ride it for 50 cents.

- [Ron] Mustache rides for 50 cents.

Hold on, mister.

- I want to show you the most disgusting bed

in the United States.

- And this includes homeless people.

- This is horrible.

Look at this.

Is this a landfill or what?

- [Ron] He cleaned it up yesterday.

- [Jeff] It's cleaned up.

- [Larry] I believe, no matter hard you try,

you can't baptize cats.

- [Bill] All right, that wasn't too bad.

- [Larry] That's pretty good!

The first time we ever sung that song in public, thank you.