Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,479 --> 00:00:04,004
[upbeat music]
2
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
4
00:00:14,492 --> 00:00:16,886
[horn blows]
5
00:00:41,911 --> 00:00:46,916
- Oh, man.
6
00:00:52,008 --> 00:00:54,184
[cow moos]
7
00:00:55,577 --> 00:00:56,404
Whew.
8
00:01:01,539 --> 00:01:04,064
[Bill groans]
9
00:01:09,765 --> 00:01:11,245
- Oh, good granny.
10
00:01:12,246 --> 00:01:13,943
Good granny.
11
00:01:13,986 --> 00:01:15,988
What is wrong with you?
12
00:01:16,032 --> 00:01:17,077
You know the rule.
13
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:18,904
Stand up in the bathroom,
14
00:01:18,948 --> 00:01:21,124
sit down at the truck
stop and the hotel.
15
00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:23,213
That's not funny.
16
00:01:23,257 --> 00:01:25,389
- Hey, you ordered
the Frito chili pie.
17
00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:27,957
[Jeff groans]
18
00:01:29,132 --> 00:01:29,959
- Gah.
19
00:01:30,829 --> 00:01:31,700
[Bill laughs]
20
00:01:31,743 --> 00:01:33,136
- Hey, don't look at me.
21
00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:34,572
- [Ron] What's funny about it?
22
00:01:34,616 --> 00:01:36,052
What do you think
is funny about it?
23
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,097
- It's not funny.
24
00:01:37,140 --> 00:01:38,924
It's nasty.
- Sick.
25
00:01:38,968 --> 00:01:40,491
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.
26
00:01:40,535 --> 00:01:41,971
- Mornin' fellas.
27
00:01:43,451 --> 00:01:44,713
- Oh my god.
28
00:01:44,756 --> 00:01:46,845
[men laugh]
29
00:01:46,889 --> 00:01:49,196
- [Ron] He went to
work on his shoes.
30
00:01:49,239 --> 00:01:51,502
- [Jeff] I don't believe
he can stay in there.
31
00:01:54,636 --> 00:01:55,811
- Hey, I'm gettin' hungry.
32
00:01:55,854 --> 00:01:57,726
Y'all got any of that Frito pie?
33
00:01:57,769 --> 00:02:00,555
[Bill laughs]
34
00:02:00,598 --> 00:02:01,860
- [Jeff] Hal, find
me an airport.
35
00:02:01,904 --> 00:02:04,646
I can't do this
four more months.
36
00:02:06,735 --> 00:02:08,128
- All right, here's the deal.
37
00:02:09,651 --> 00:02:12,088
I at least want a shot at
not going last this time,
38
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,959
so we're gonna draw the
numbers out of a hat.
39
00:02:14,003 --> 00:02:15,396
Whatever number you draw,
40
00:02:15,439 --> 00:02:16,745
that's what position
you're go up on the show.
41
00:02:16,788 --> 00:02:17,572
Is that fair?
42
00:02:17,615 --> 00:02:18,877
- Fair.
- Fair.
43
00:02:18,921 --> 00:02:19,704
- Fair.
- Yeah, that's fair.
44
00:02:19,748 --> 00:02:20,792
- Ronnie, go first.
45
00:02:20,836 --> 00:02:22,272
- [Larry] Come on, last.
46
00:02:22,316 --> 00:02:23,143
- Two!
47
00:02:24,666 --> 00:02:26,189
- Whoo, number one!
48
00:02:26,233 --> 00:02:27,234
Leadin' off.
49
00:02:29,236 --> 00:02:30,933
- 7 3/4.
50
00:02:30,976 --> 00:02:32,152
- 7 3/4?
51
00:02:32,195 --> 00:02:33,370
- You tore the tag
out of the hat, idiot.
52
00:02:33,414 --> 00:02:34,502
Draw a number.
53
00:02:35,633 --> 00:02:37,635
- [Ron] Little
drumroll, come on.
54
00:02:37,679 --> 00:02:40,203
[Bill and Jeff laugh]
55
00:02:40,247 --> 00:02:41,335
- Going last!
56
00:02:43,989 --> 00:02:46,818
[audience cheers]
57
00:02:50,822 --> 00:02:52,520
- [Announcer] Denver!
58
00:02:52,563 --> 00:02:57,351
Are you ready for Blue Collar
Comedy Tour Rides Again?
59
00:02:57,394 --> 00:03:00,049
Please welcome Mr. Bill Engvall!
60
00:03:01,006 --> 00:03:03,835
[audience cheers]
61
00:03:25,117 --> 00:03:26,293
- Thank you very much.
62
00:03:27,816 --> 00:03:31,254
Well, now I know why
we did this in Denver.
63
00:03:31,298 --> 00:03:34,170
[audience cheers]
64
00:03:36,868 --> 00:03:41,221
- Tonight, we're gonna talk a
little bit about relationships
65
00:03:42,874 --> 00:03:46,400
and what I see as
the basic difference
66
00:03:46,443 --> 00:03:48,053
between men and women.
67
00:03:48,097 --> 00:03:51,709
And I don't think I'll be
making any of this mess up.
68
00:03:51,753 --> 00:03:53,581
[audience laughs]
69
00:03:53,624 --> 00:03:56,148
I think the biggest difference
between men and women
70
00:03:56,192 --> 00:04:00,370
is this: men are
basic, just basic.
71
00:04:00,414 --> 00:04:02,154
There's not a whole
lot of frills.
72
00:04:03,765 --> 00:04:06,071
That's why, ladies, when
you ask a fella question,
73
00:04:06,115 --> 00:04:09,553
a lot of times the answer
you get is I-dunno.
74
00:04:09,597 --> 00:04:11,686
[audience laughs]
75
00:04:11,729 --> 00:04:12,556
Basic.
76
00:04:14,428 --> 00:04:17,257
Women are details,
77
00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:19,737
details, details, details.
78
00:04:19,781 --> 00:04:20,651
[women cheer]
79
00:04:20,695 --> 00:04:22,262
Yeah.
80
00:04:23,654 --> 00:04:26,614
If you don't got the details,
do not talk to a woman.
81
00:04:28,398 --> 00:04:30,574
I'll give you a great example.
82
00:04:30,618 --> 00:04:32,620
My friend, Joey, and I
were working out at the gym
83
00:04:32,663 --> 00:04:34,317
the other day, and
Joey says to me,
84
00:04:34,361 --> 00:04:35,927
"Hey man, I'm
getting a divorce."
85
00:04:35,971 --> 00:04:37,015
And I said, "Oh, that sucks.
86
00:04:37,059 --> 00:04:37,973
Can you spot me?"
87
00:04:39,017 --> 00:04:42,107
[audience laughs]
88
00:04:42,151 --> 00:04:43,892
That was our whole conversation.
89
00:04:46,155 --> 00:04:47,287
I understood it.
90
00:04:47,330 --> 00:04:48,288
He understood it.
91
00:04:49,637 --> 00:04:51,116
So, I go home
92
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,684
and I tell my wife, I go, "Hey,
Joey's getting a divorce."
93
00:04:53,728 --> 00:04:56,296
"Oh my God, what happened?"
94
00:04:56,339 --> 00:04:57,819
I-dunno.
95
00:04:57,862 --> 00:05:00,778
[audience laughs]
96
00:05:00,822 --> 00:05:03,651
[audience cheers]
97
00:05:06,828 --> 00:05:08,438
She said, "What do
you mean? [grunts]
98
00:05:08,482 --> 00:05:09,396
Was he cheating on her?
99
00:05:09,439 --> 00:05:10,614
Was she cheating on him?"
100
00:05:10,658 --> 00:05:12,747
I said, "Again,
baby, I don't know.
101
00:05:12,790 --> 00:05:14,270
I'm not holding
anything back here.
102
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:15,924
You got a better chance
off getting the answer
103
00:05:15,967 --> 00:05:17,055
out of the dog."
104
00:05:18,622 --> 00:05:19,493
And that's when it hit me.
105
00:05:19,536 --> 00:05:21,277
That's why dogs don't talk.
106
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,671
[audience laughs]
107
00:05:23,714 --> 00:05:25,542
They've learned.
108
00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:28,415
[audience cheers]
109
00:05:32,810 --> 00:05:34,725
She said, "Bill, how
can somebody tell you
110
00:05:34,769 --> 00:05:36,988
they're getting a divorce and
you don't ask any questions?"
111
00:05:37,032 --> 00:05:39,730
And I said, "Baby, 'cause he
didn't ask me a question."
112
00:05:41,123 --> 00:05:42,646
All right?
113
00:05:42,690 --> 00:05:44,866
What he said was a statement.
114
00:05:44,909 --> 00:05:47,738
He said, "I'm getting a
divorce," which said to me,
115
00:05:47,782 --> 00:05:49,261
I have the situation in hand
116
00:05:49,305 --> 00:05:52,830
and require no further
input on your part.
117
00:05:52,874 --> 00:05:55,659
[audience laughs]
118
00:05:55,703 --> 00:05:57,269
Now, had Joey said,
119
00:05:57,313 --> 00:05:59,620
"What do you think about
me getting a divorce?"
120
00:05:59,663 --> 00:06:00,838
Then I would have said,
121
00:06:00,882 --> 00:06:01,752
"Well, you're gonna
be dating again,
122
00:06:01,796 --> 00:06:03,493
you need to work on your abs."
123
00:06:03,537 --> 00:06:06,366
[audience cheers]
124
00:06:12,894 --> 00:06:14,374
Lord, that's the only
reason I got married,
125
00:06:14,417 --> 00:06:16,506
my gym membership ran out.
126
00:06:16,550 --> 00:06:19,030
[audience laughs]
127
00:06:19,074 --> 00:06:21,816
You see, ladies, men have
three basic needs in life.
128
00:06:21,859 --> 00:06:23,208
That's it, three,
129
00:06:23,252 --> 00:06:25,515
eating, sleeping, sex.
130
00:06:25,559 --> 00:06:27,561
That's it, that's our whole day.
131
00:06:30,259 --> 00:06:33,218
And I can do all three
of those in my truck
132
00:06:33,262 --> 00:06:36,091
[audience laughs]
133
00:06:38,528 --> 00:06:39,399
by myself
134
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,228
[audience cheers]
135
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:50,888
in traffic.
136
00:06:54,936 --> 00:06:56,459
See, I've been married awhile,
137
00:06:56,503 --> 00:06:59,331
so I'm having to relearn all
this stuff I thought I knew,
138
00:06:59,375 --> 00:07:00,681
you know, like her little signs
139
00:07:00,724 --> 00:07:02,552
and what kind of mood she's in.
140
00:07:02,596 --> 00:07:03,640
'Cause I thought I knew them,
141
00:07:03,684 --> 00:07:05,947
but apparently, I don't.
142
00:07:05,990 --> 00:07:07,731
Like, one night we
was lying in bed,
143
00:07:07,775 --> 00:07:08,602
getting ready to go to sleep.
144
00:07:08,645 --> 00:07:09,820
We turn off the lights,
145
00:07:09,864 --> 00:07:11,300
my wife puts her
hand on my shoulder,
146
00:07:11,343 --> 00:07:12,997
rolls over and gives me
kiss and says, "Goodnight."
147
00:07:13,041 --> 00:07:14,782
And I said, "Well, good night."
148
00:07:14,825 --> 00:07:16,261
I went to sleep.
149
00:07:16,305 --> 00:07:17,872
[audience laughs]
150
00:07:17,915 --> 00:07:20,483
Next morning, she goes, "What
happened to you last night?"
151
00:07:20,527 --> 00:07:23,399
[audience laughs]
152
00:07:26,315 --> 00:07:27,229
Well, what do you mean,
153
00:07:27,272 --> 00:07:28,796
what happened to me last night?
154
00:07:28,839 --> 00:07:31,015
She said, "Well, I
was in the mood."
155
00:07:31,059 --> 00:07:32,539
[audience laughs]
156
00:07:32,582 --> 00:07:35,063
I said, "Well, why didn't
you say something?"
157
00:07:35,106 --> 00:07:38,370
She said, "I put my
hand on your shoulder."
158
00:07:38,414 --> 00:07:41,243
[audience cheers]
159
00:07:45,247 --> 00:07:49,991
I said, "Baby, let me think
if I can explain this to you.
160
00:07:50,034 --> 00:07:52,994
You know those bars
called topless bars?"
161
00:07:53,037 --> 00:07:54,256
She said, "Yeah,"
162
00:07:54,299 --> 00:07:56,345
and I said, "They don't
sell shoulder dances."
163
00:07:57,477 --> 00:08:00,001
[audience laughs]
164
00:08:00,044 --> 00:08:02,830
[audience cheers]
165
00:08:06,877 --> 00:08:09,576
I ain't never met
a guy in my life
166
00:08:09,619 --> 00:08:14,624
that get his shoulder touched
and he goes, "Hey, yeah!"
167
00:08:16,844 --> 00:08:19,760
So, a couple of weeks
later, we're lying in bed.
168
00:08:19,803 --> 00:08:21,501
She kind of pushes
on my shoulder.
169
00:08:21,544 --> 00:08:22,937
I said, "All right."
170
00:08:24,112 --> 00:08:26,288
This rodeo's fixing to kick off.
171
00:08:27,550 --> 00:08:28,943
So, I start putting my moves on,
172
00:08:28,986 --> 00:08:29,987
and she goes, "No, not tonight.
173
00:08:30,031 --> 00:08:31,815
I'm not in the mood."
174
00:08:31,859 --> 00:08:35,427
I said, "You touched
my shoulder."
175
00:08:36,994 --> 00:08:38,866
She said, "No, I
pushed your shoulder.
176
00:08:39,910 --> 00:08:43,174
Touch means go, push means no."
177
00:08:43,218 --> 00:08:46,047
[audience cheers]
178
00:08:51,182 --> 00:08:53,576
Is there a manual
to this machine?
179
00:08:55,665 --> 00:08:58,015
You see, marital sex is
kind of like ordering
180
00:08:58,059 --> 00:09:00,104
a Civil War chest
set through the mail.
181
00:09:02,237 --> 00:09:05,109
You get one piece every
four to six weeks.
182
00:09:05,153 --> 00:09:07,982
[audience laughs]
183
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,380
You don't know what
kind of shape that piece
184
00:09:15,424 --> 00:09:16,947
is gonna be in when you get it,
185
00:09:18,688 --> 00:09:20,995
but you still got to pay
the handling charges.
186
00:09:22,170 --> 00:09:24,999
[audience cheers]
187
00:09:30,004 --> 00:09:31,875
Well, see, now that our
kids are kind of grown up,
188
00:09:31,919 --> 00:09:34,356
we're having to spend a
little more time together.
189
00:09:34,399 --> 00:09:35,662
And when you're dating,
190
00:09:35,705 --> 00:09:37,098
you spend all the time
in the world together,
191
00:09:37,141 --> 00:09:40,057
'cause chances are, you're
gonna end up having sex.
192
00:09:40,101 --> 00:09:41,581
After you've been
married a long time,
193
00:09:41,624 --> 00:09:44,584
chances are you just gonna
be spending time together.
194
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,980
So, now she wants us to
start doing things together.
195
00:09:51,373 --> 00:09:53,418
I said, "All right, we'll
do things together."
196
00:09:53,462 --> 00:09:54,550
First thing out of her mouth,
197
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,596
"Let's go on a
whale-watching trip."
198
00:09:56,639 --> 00:09:58,467
I said, "What?"
199
00:09:58,510 --> 00:10:00,643
She goes, "I want to get in
the boat and go see the whales.
200
00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:01,818
Let's go see the whales."
201
00:10:01,862 --> 00:10:05,866
And I said, "No, that's
a 60-foot animal.
202
00:10:05,909 --> 00:10:07,824
We're in a six foot rubber boat.
203
00:10:09,696 --> 00:10:11,132
We're a bath toy."
204
00:10:13,134 --> 00:10:14,352
She said, "Well, I
want to go see 'em."
205
00:10:14,396 --> 00:10:15,615
I said, "We're not
gonna go see 'em."
206
00:10:15,658 --> 00:10:16,616
She goes, "We're
gonna go see 'em."
207
00:10:16,659 --> 00:10:18,922
And I said, "Well, all right."
208
00:10:18,966 --> 00:10:21,446
[audience laughs]
209
00:10:21,490 --> 00:10:23,971
[women cheer]
210
00:10:26,147 --> 00:10:28,671
So, the day of the trip,
I'm whining and moaning
211
00:10:28,715 --> 00:10:29,803
'cause I don't want to go,
212
00:10:29,846 --> 00:10:31,456
and especially 'cause
we're going with
213
00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:32,893
these other couple friends of
ours who are from California,
214
00:10:32,936 --> 00:10:34,721
and they're nice people,
don't get me wrong,
215
00:10:34,764 --> 00:10:36,940
but we just don't
see eye to eye.
216
00:10:36,984 --> 00:10:38,725
So, we get down on
the dock and this dude
217
00:10:38,768 --> 00:10:40,944
is right in my face, like,
"Bill, dude, check this out.
218
00:10:40,988 --> 00:10:42,642
All right, check this out.
219
00:10:44,295 --> 00:10:47,429
Do you know what would,
like, totally make my day?"
220
00:10:48,343 --> 00:10:50,301
And I said, "A GED?"
221
00:10:51,215 --> 00:10:54,001
[audience laughs]
222
00:10:58,745 --> 00:10:59,963
He said, "No.
223
00:11:00,007 --> 00:11:02,052
No, dude, I don't want a ged.
224
00:11:02,096 --> 00:11:03,314
Dude, check this out.
225
00:11:04,315 --> 00:11:06,491
[audience laughs]
226
00:11:06,535 --> 00:11:09,581
This would like totally
make my day, all right?
227
00:11:09,625 --> 00:11:11,018
So, we're out in
this little boat.
228
00:11:11,061 --> 00:11:12,323
All right, check this out,
229
00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:13,629
and we're on the waves,
like going, whoa, waves.
230
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:14,674
Whoa, waves, whoa.
231
00:11:15,892 --> 00:11:18,678
And then, like, it
would be so righteous
232
00:11:18,721 --> 00:11:21,681
if, like, this whale just,
like, went right by the boat.
233
00:11:21,724 --> 00:11:22,856
That would make my day."
234
00:11:25,380 --> 00:11:27,730
So, we're out in this little
boat in the middle of the ocean
235
00:11:27,774 --> 00:11:30,559
and surf boy gets his wish.
236
00:11:32,039 --> 00:11:36,913
Out of nowhere, this humongous
whale comes out of the water
237
00:11:36,957 --> 00:11:39,350
right by the boat, and
goes [imitates whale spray]
238
00:11:39,394 --> 00:11:44,094
and sprays this nasty
liquid all over the boat.
239
00:11:45,574 --> 00:11:47,663
And the Californians are
freaking, like, "Oh my God,
240
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:49,404
he sprayed us, that is so cool.
241
00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:50,710
He sprayed us, he sprayed us."
242
00:11:50,753 --> 00:11:53,538
I'm like, "He blew
his nose on us!"
243
00:11:53,582 --> 00:11:56,411
[audience laughs]
244
00:12:02,069 --> 00:12:04,506
We just paid 200 bucks apiece
245
00:12:05,637 --> 00:12:08,292
to have a whale
hock a loogie on us.
246
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,731
And then the whale
went [screeches]
247
00:12:11,774 --> 00:12:12,644
and they're like,
"What'd he say,
248
00:12:12,688 --> 00:12:14,734
what'd he say, what'd he say?"
249
00:12:14,777 --> 00:12:18,738
I'm like, "He said [screeches]
that's what he said.
250
00:12:18,781 --> 00:12:19,869
Which means I just
blew snot on you.
251
00:12:19,913 --> 00:12:23,046
I'm gonna go tell my friends."
252
00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:25,919
[audience laughs]
253
00:12:27,355 --> 00:12:30,793
See, we just need to
leave the animals alone.
254
00:12:30,837 --> 00:12:33,013
God, just let them
live their lives.
255
00:12:34,101 --> 00:12:36,930
[audience cheers]
256
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:44,285
we are so bent on figuring
everything out about animals.
257
00:12:44,981 --> 00:12:46,243
They're just animals.
258
00:12:46,287 --> 00:12:48,680
We don't have to, all
right, great example.
259
00:12:48,724 --> 00:12:50,813
In California, in the desert,
260
00:12:50,857 --> 00:12:53,424
they found bones of this
prehistoric porpoise.
261
00:12:53,468 --> 00:12:55,078
And they're saying
it's interesting
262
00:12:55,122 --> 00:12:56,601
'cause this porpoise's upper jaw
263
00:12:56,645 --> 00:12:59,909
sticks out a lot further
than its lower jaw.
264
00:12:59,953 --> 00:13:02,085
So, I'm figuring,
he's got to look like.
265
00:13:02,129 --> 00:13:04,958
[audience laughs]
266
00:13:06,350 --> 00:13:08,352
And they're trying to
figure out if this upper jaw
267
00:13:08,396 --> 00:13:11,181
was used during
sex or for eating.
268
00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:12,792
And I'm thinking, you know what?
269
00:13:13,836 --> 00:13:15,577
You can rule out sex.
270
00:13:17,144 --> 00:13:18,667
Because if you look like this,
271
00:13:21,061 --> 00:13:22,889
sex ain't happening, all right?
272
00:13:22,932 --> 00:13:25,152
[audience laughs]
273
00:13:25,195 --> 00:13:27,937
I mean, what if it's just
a goofy looking fish?
274
00:13:27,981 --> 00:13:30,200
You know, like a dork fish.
275
00:13:30,244 --> 00:13:34,378
[audience cheers]
You know?
276
00:13:34,422 --> 00:13:36,032
He'd be out in that desert like,
277
00:13:36,076 --> 00:13:38,948
"Oh, this ain't the ocean.
278
00:13:38,992 --> 00:13:41,821
Whew, I'd better
find me some water!"
279
00:13:41,864 --> 00:13:43,648
[audience laughs]
280
00:13:43,692 --> 00:13:46,869
Can you imagine if
you were fishing
281
00:13:46,913 --> 00:13:48,740
and you caught a dork fish?
282
00:13:50,394 --> 00:13:51,787
'Cause you know your
friends would be like,
283
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:52,657
"Hey, man,
284
00:13:55,965 --> 00:13:57,271
what kind of fish is that?"
285
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:02,102
You'd be like, "Oh, nothing."
286
00:14:02,145 --> 00:14:04,321
[audience laughs]
287
00:14:04,365 --> 00:14:05,888
'Cause you know that
fish would stick his head
288
00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:07,847
out of that bucket,
"I'm a dork fish.
289
00:14:09,761 --> 00:14:11,459
He caught me on a corn dog.
290
00:14:12,939 --> 00:14:15,028
I swear to God.
291
00:14:15,071 --> 00:14:17,682
I was swimming
underneath the ocean,
292
00:14:17,726 --> 00:14:20,816
and I said, 'What's a corn dog
doin' underneath the ocean?'
293
00:14:22,209 --> 00:14:24,689
But, boy, you know me, I
love them dang corn dogs."
294
00:14:31,740 --> 00:14:32,872
So, she's wanting,
295
00:14:34,395 --> 00:14:36,919
she's wanting to do
some stuff together.
296
00:14:36,963 --> 00:14:38,442
So, I said, "All
right, I've got an idea
297
00:14:38,486 --> 00:14:39,748
for something we
can do together.
298
00:14:39,791 --> 00:14:40,880
Let's go deer hunting.
299
00:14:42,055 --> 00:14:44,884
[audience cheers]
300
00:14:47,060 --> 00:14:48,975
We did the whale watching thing,
301
00:14:49,018 --> 00:14:50,454
let's go deer hunting."
302
00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:53,022
Fair's fair.
303
00:14:53,066 --> 00:14:55,329
Well, I knew this was
gonna be a mistake
304
00:14:56,808 --> 00:14:58,810
when we was driving out to
where we were gonna hunt,
305
00:14:58,854 --> 00:15:01,770
and we keep passing these
deer crossing signs,
306
00:15:01,813 --> 00:15:05,034
and my wife, who's the
smartest person I know,
307
00:15:05,078 --> 00:15:06,818
says to me, "Why do
they put those signs up?
308
00:15:06,862 --> 00:15:08,908
Deer can't read."
309
00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:11,780
[audience laughs]
310
00:15:15,566 --> 00:15:18,700
No, but they do recognize
pictures of themselves.
311
00:15:22,356 --> 00:15:24,053
Let me set the scene for ya.
312
00:15:25,533 --> 00:15:28,231
I got on camouflage pants, I
got on a camouflage jacket,
313
00:15:28,275 --> 00:15:32,061
camouflage ball cap, I got
camouflage paint on my face.
314
00:15:32,105 --> 00:15:34,934
I've got a .30-06
with a laser scope.
315
00:15:36,457 --> 00:15:39,677
She is in a yellow jogging suit,
316
00:15:39,721 --> 00:15:42,245
[audience laughs]
317
00:15:42,289 --> 00:15:46,032
white tennis shoes, and
she brought her purse.
318
00:15:48,208 --> 00:15:49,557
I'm here to kill a deer.
319
00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:51,646
She's gonna take it shopping.
320
00:15:51,689 --> 00:15:54,518
[audience laughs]
321
00:15:57,347 --> 00:15:58,261
So, we get in the stand.
322
00:15:58,305 --> 00:15:59,523
Any of you hunters out there,
323
00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:01,047
you know the time of
day I'm talking about.
324
00:16:01,090 --> 00:16:03,440
Man, oh, yeah.
325
00:16:03,484 --> 00:16:05,094
It is the perfect time of day.
326
00:16:05,138 --> 00:16:08,358
It's dark, it's early
morning, it's cold.
327
00:16:08,402 --> 00:16:10,447
You're making steam
with your breath.
328
00:16:10,491 --> 00:16:11,971
Off in the distance,
329
00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:14,234
you hear a turkey gobble
as he wakes up for the day.
330
00:16:14,277 --> 00:16:16,323
A squirrel scampers
through the dead leaves.
331
00:16:16,366 --> 00:16:19,326
It is the perfect time of day.
332
00:16:20,675 --> 00:16:21,502
It's quiet,
333
00:16:23,156 --> 00:16:24,592
kinda.
334
00:16:24,635 --> 00:16:27,725
[audience laughs]
335
00:16:27,769 --> 00:16:30,337
Because in the darkness
of our deer stand,
336
00:16:30,380 --> 00:16:32,078
I'm hearing things like this.
337
00:16:33,340 --> 00:16:35,777
[Bill sighs]
338
00:16:42,566 --> 00:16:43,915
"Bill.
339
00:16:43,959 --> 00:16:46,396
[audience laughs]
340
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:48,007
What are we doing?"
341
00:16:53,229 --> 00:16:57,103
"We're, um, we're waiting
for the deer to show up,
342
00:16:57,146 --> 00:16:59,540
okay, honey? [shushes]
343
00:17:01,237 --> 00:17:03,022
You gotta be really quiet."
344
00:17:06,155 --> 00:17:08,592
[Bill sighs]
345
00:17:13,206 --> 00:17:15,121
"What time do they show up?"
346
00:17:15,164 --> 00:17:18,211
[audience laughs]
347
00:17:18,254 --> 00:17:21,040
[audience cheers]
348
00:17:28,003 --> 00:17:29,744
"I, uh, I don't know.
349
00:17:33,008 --> 00:17:37,056
They didn't return the phone
call to set up the meeting.
350
00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:39,014
Now, please, be quiet."
351
00:17:44,889 --> 00:17:45,716
"Bill.
352
00:17:47,936 --> 00:17:49,416
I've gotta pee."
353
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:55,204
"There's a coffee can."
354
00:17:55,248 --> 00:17:56,423
"Oh, wake up."
355
00:17:59,252 --> 00:18:01,167
The sun has come up,
356
00:18:01,210 --> 00:18:04,344
and in the clearing
stands a buck, 10 points,
357
00:18:04,387 --> 00:18:07,608
good 250, and I'm like, oh.
358
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:11,438
Thank you, God.
359
00:18:12,961 --> 00:18:15,094
You are on the wall.
360
00:18:16,356 --> 00:18:18,184
And this is what I hear.
361
00:18:18,227 --> 00:18:21,143
"Oh!
362
00:18:21,187 --> 00:18:22,318
Isn't he cute!
363
00:18:26,496 --> 00:18:28,759
He looks like Bambi's dad.
364
00:18:29,978 --> 00:18:31,719
Remember, we saw that
movie with the kids?"
365
00:18:31,762 --> 00:18:33,068
"Yes, I remember that
movie, it was a cartoon,
366
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:34,113
now please, shut up."
367
00:18:35,984 --> 00:18:38,117
"Well, you're not gonna
shoot him, are ya?"
368
00:18:39,770 --> 00:18:42,425
"What do you think I
brought this gun for?
369
00:18:43,644 --> 00:18:44,688
Protection?
370
00:18:46,168 --> 00:18:48,736
Like that deer might run
up this tree and rob us?"
371
00:18:49,911 --> 00:18:51,521
She freaks, she
goes, "Run, deer!
372
00:18:51,565 --> 00:18:52,783
Run, run, run!"
373
00:18:53,697 --> 00:18:55,960
[audience laughs]
374
00:18:56,004 --> 00:18:58,833
[audience cheers]
375
00:19:02,228 --> 00:19:04,012
That is the only time
376
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:07,755
I've ever pushed a
woman out of a tree.
377
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,803
[audience applauds]
378
00:19:15,719 --> 00:19:16,981
I do joke about her, y'all,
379
00:19:17,025 --> 00:19:18,287
but you know, I
love her to death.
380
00:19:18,331 --> 00:19:19,897
She gave me two beautiful kids,
381
00:19:19,941 --> 00:19:22,639
and I look forward to
getting old with her,
382
00:19:22,683 --> 00:19:24,075
and I tell you a
great little story
383
00:19:24,119 --> 00:19:25,207
happened not too long ago.
384
00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:27,688
My son, who plays piano now,
385
00:19:27,731 --> 00:19:28,993
he's getting really good at it,
386
00:19:29,037 --> 00:19:30,256
and we was sitting in
the den the other day.
387
00:19:30,299 --> 00:19:31,474
My wife and I was watching TV,
388
00:19:31,518 --> 00:19:32,997
and he comes in,
he goes, "Hey, Dad,
389
00:19:33,041 --> 00:19:34,651
I'm gonna play you a
song on the piano."
390
00:19:34,695 --> 00:19:36,087
I said, "Hey, great."
391
00:19:36,131 --> 00:19:37,698
So, I go into
where the piano is,
392
00:19:37,741 --> 00:19:39,743
and he goes, "I'm gonna play
you a song from Harry Potter."
393
00:19:39,787 --> 00:19:42,093
And I said, "Oh,
cool, the movie?"
394
00:19:42,137 --> 00:19:43,965
He goes, "Nope, the book."
395
00:19:45,140 --> 00:19:46,837
Here's your sign.
396
00:19:46,881 --> 00:19:49,710
[audience cheers]
397
00:19:56,238 --> 00:19:58,588
Oh, we've had some
good ones this year.
398
00:20:00,242 --> 00:20:01,765
I was talking about
hunting, last October,
399
00:20:01,809 --> 00:20:03,419
I went hunting
down at the ranch,
400
00:20:03,463 --> 00:20:05,552
and I had on, again,
my camouflage pants,
401
00:20:05,595 --> 00:20:07,118
camouflage jacket,
camouflage ball cap.
402
00:20:07,162 --> 00:20:08,468
We did the morning hunt,
didn't get anything.
403
00:20:08,511 --> 00:20:09,991
Well had to go into
the Walmart at lunch
404
00:20:10,034 --> 00:20:11,514
to get some supplies,
405
00:20:11,558 --> 00:20:13,516
and I walk in the
front door to Walmart
406
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,605
and the greeter goes,
"You been hunting?"
407
00:20:17,346 --> 00:20:20,088
I said, "Nope, I'm on my way
to a tree hugging party."
408
00:20:22,003 --> 00:20:23,396
Here's your sign.
409
00:20:23,439 --> 00:20:26,268
[audience cheers]
410
00:20:30,707 --> 00:20:32,535
I'll tell you one my wife did.
411
00:20:32,579 --> 00:20:34,755
I was off, I got booked
on this corporate job,
412
00:20:34,798 --> 00:20:37,540
and it was in Arkansas
and it was a morning show,
413
00:20:37,584 --> 00:20:38,846
so we had to fly
in the night before
414
00:20:38,889 --> 00:20:40,064
on this little puddle
jumper airplane
415
00:20:40,108 --> 00:20:41,370
to this remote
airstrip at night.
416
00:20:41,414 --> 00:20:42,850
I was not thrilled.
417
00:20:42,893 --> 00:20:44,330
When we landed on
the runway at night,
418
00:20:44,373 --> 00:20:46,723
we hit a deer with our airplane.
419
00:20:46,767 --> 00:20:47,550
[audience laughs]
420
00:20:47,594 --> 00:20:48,943
You cannot make this up.
421
00:20:50,336 --> 00:20:52,773
And it killed the deer,
it wrecked the engine,
422
00:20:52,816 --> 00:20:54,731
we had to evacuate the plane.
423
00:20:54,775 --> 00:20:56,429
Well, they put us in
this little minivan
424
00:20:56,472 --> 00:20:58,213
and their busing us
back to this terminal,
425
00:20:58,257 --> 00:20:59,736
and I'm laughing at this point,
426
00:20:59,780 --> 00:21:01,999
'cause this is the dumbest
thing I've ever seen in my life.
427
00:21:03,174 --> 00:21:05,612
I mean, how do you hit
a deer with an airplane?
428
00:21:05,655 --> 00:21:06,917
[audience laughs]
429
00:21:06,961 --> 00:21:08,441
So, I called my wife
on the cell phone.
430
00:21:08,484 --> 00:21:10,965
I said, "Baby, you're
not gonna believe this.
431
00:21:11,008 --> 00:21:14,316
We just hit a deer
with our airplane."
432
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:19,060
And there was a silence on
the other end of the line,
433
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:23,412
followed by, "Oh my God,
were you on the ground?"
434
00:21:23,456 --> 00:21:26,937
[audience laughs]
435
00:21:26,981 --> 00:21:29,810
[audience cheers]
436
00:21:32,639 --> 00:21:36,686
I said, "Nope, Santa was
making one last run."
437
00:21:36,730 --> 00:21:38,775
Here's your sign.
438
00:21:38,819 --> 00:21:41,125
And I had one, almost
got me thrown in jail.
439
00:21:42,344 --> 00:21:43,824
I took my wife to
Europe this year,
440
00:21:43,867 --> 00:21:45,347
and we had been over there
for a couple of weeks.
441
00:21:45,391 --> 00:21:46,783
We bought a couple of
paintings, about that big,
442
00:21:46,827 --> 00:21:48,263
you know, about 11 by 15,
443
00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:49,482
and they were too small to check
444
00:21:49,525 --> 00:21:50,744
and we didn't want
to get them damaged,
445
00:21:50,787 --> 00:21:52,049
so we just carried
them on the airplane.
446
00:21:52,093 --> 00:21:54,138
Well, our plane lands
from Frankfurt, Germany,
447
00:21:54,182 --> 00:21:55,836
into Los Angeles for customs.
448
00:21:55,879 --> 00:21:58,578
We'd walked off the
plane into customs.
449
00:21:58,621 --> 00:22:00,188
We're holding the
paintings in our hand,
450
00:22:00,231 --> 00:22:01,711
and the customs agent goes,
451
00:22:01,755 --> 00:22:04,148
"Did y'all buy them paintings
outside of the country?"
452
00:22:04,192 --> 00:22:07,021
[audience laughs]
453
00:22:09,676 --> 00:22:11,286
No.
454
00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:13,810
No, see, we carry this
one all the time with us,
455
00:22:15,246 --> 00:22:18,032
and my wife painted this one
while we was waiting in line.
456
00:22:18,946 --> 00:22:20,556
Here's your sign.
457
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:21,557
God bless you, Denver.
458
00:22:21,601 --> 00:22:23,342
Thank you very much.
459
00:22:23,385 --> 00:22:26,214
[audience cheers]
460
00:22:35,876 --> 00:22:39,532
Keep it going for
my buddy, Ron White!
461
00:22:39,575 --> 00:22:42,186
[upbeat music]
462
00:23:14,393 --> 00:23:15,916
- Easy, Seabiscuit.
463
00:23:18,788 --> 00:23:23,402
The Chinese have a
space program now.
464
00:23:24,577 --> 00:23:26,448
It's not like the
U.S. space program,
465
00:23:26,492 --> 00:23:30,060
because in the Chinese
space program, Tang
466
00:23:30,104 --> 00:23:32,933
[audience laughs]
467
00:23:35,501 --> 00:23:37,633
is one of the astronauts.
468
00:23:37,677 --> 00:23:40,680
[audience applauds]
469
00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:46,468
I lived in Mexico for
a couple of years,
470
00:23:46,512 --> 00:23:48,644
and I was in a horrific
car crash in Mexico.
471
00:23:48,688 --> 00:23:50,254
Some of you know this,
472
00:23:50,298 --> 00:23:53,257
and I had a metal plate put in
my head by a Mexican doctor.
473
00:23:53,301 --> 00:23:54,128
No kidding.
474
00:23:54,955 --> 00:23:56,086
And the weird thing was,
475
00:23:56,130 --> 00:23:57,740
right before he
performed the surgery,
476
00:23:57,784 --> 00:24:00,613
he said, "Be very careful.
477
00:24:01,527 --> 00:24:03,224
This plate is hot."
478
00:24:03,267 --> 00:24:06,096
[audience laughs]
479
00:24:14,975 --> 00:24:19,066
You ever take a crap so
big your pants fit better?
480
00:24:19,109 --> 00:24:22,199
Has that ever happened
to anybody in here?
481
00:24:22,243 --> 00:24:23,505
Anybody?
482
00:24:23,549 --> 00:24:26,377
[audience cheers]
483
00:24:27,857 --> 00:24:29,859
I'm hoping that happens
to me later tonight,
484
00:24:29,903 --> 00:24:33,472
because these babies
don't fit anymore,
485
00:24:34,647 --> 00:24:36,475
and I'm hoping I'm
one big turd away
486
00:24:36,518 --> 00:24:38,694
from backing into
an old wardrobe.
487
00:24:47,094 --> 00:24:49,618
I decided last week that there
were too many support groups
488
00:24:49,662 --> 00:24:51,968
in this country, you need to
pick your own self up and go.
489
00:24:52,012 --> 00:24:54,928
You know, I saw this
commercial last week,
490
00:24:54,971 --> 00:24:59,585
and it was for a bladder
control awareness group.
491
00:24:59,628 --> 00:25:01,151
I'm like, let me explain
something to you.
492
00:25:01,195 --> 00:25:03,937
If you have a bladder
control problem,
493
00:25:04,807 --> 00:25:07,070
you're probably aware of it.
494
00:25:07,114 --> 00:25:09,943
[audience laughs]
495
00:25:12,249 --> 00:25:14,077
Or you're in some
weird-ass denial
496
00:25:14,121 --> 00:25:16,689
I've never even
heard of, you know?
497
00:25:16,732 --> 00:25:18,647
Bob, I got a moisture
problem in this area,
498
00:25:18,691 --> 00:25:22,608
and I don't know if
it's condensation
due to high humidity
499
00:25:22,651 --> 00:25:27,395
or if I'm pissing myself, Bob.
500
00:25:28,396 --> 00:25:31,225
[audience laughs]
501
00:25:34,402 --> 00:25:36,709
Well, I'll tell you a
little bit about myself.
502
00:25:36,752 --> 00:25:39,712
My brother's a doctor and
my sister's an attorney,
503
00:25:39,755 --> 00:25:42,584
and I hate Thanksgiving.
504
00:25:42,628 --> 00:25:45,369
[audience laughs]
505
00:25:45,413 --> 00:25:48,242
[audience cheers]
506
00:25:52,420 --> 00:25:55,466
Last year, we're sitting
around the dining room table
507
00:25:55,510 --> 00:25:57,425
and my brother tells a story
508
00:25:57,468 --> 00:26:00,080
about all the neat
lives he'd saved.
509
00:26:00,123 --> 00:26:04,084
My sister tells a story
about winning a lawsuit
510
00:26:04,127 --> 00:26:07,174
for an orphanage and
helping the children.
511
00:26:07,217 --> 00:26:10,046
My mom goes "Well, Ron?
512
00:26:10,090 --> 00:26:12,396
[audience laughs]
513
00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:15,443
Is there anything new
with your career?"
514
00:26:15,486 --> 00:26:16,836
And I go, "Yeah,
515
00:26:18,272 --> 00:26:21,492
I got new bit about sticking
my pecker in a toaster."
516
00:26:21,536 --> 00:26:24,191
[audience laughs]
517
00:26:24,234 --> 00:26:27,063
[audience cheers]
518
00:26:32,373 --> 00:26:35,681
Maybe I should have
told my story first.
519
00:26:39,249 --> 00:26:40,424
Well, that's enough comedy.
520
00:26:40,468 --> 00:26:41,861
I'd like to talk for
just a little bit
521
00:26:41,904 --> 00:26:43,514
about firework safety.
522
00:26:43,558 --> 00:26:46,474
That's something I like to do
every time I speak in public.
523
00:26:46,517 --> 00:26:48,824
No, seriously, years ago,
524
00:26:48,868 --> 00:26:50,347
my friend, Timmy Smithers, and I
525
00:26:50,391 --> 00:26:52,741
went to a 4th of
July celebration,
526
00:26:52,785 --> 00:26:54,700
and at one point
in the festivities,
527
00:26:55,875 --> 00:26:57,833
Timmy leaned back too
far with a lit punk
528
00:26:57,877 --> 00:27:01,837
and ignited the main fireworks
display for the evening,
529
00:27:01,881 --> 00:27:04,100
inevitably causing his death,
530
00:27:04,144 --> 00:27:06,320
and not a night goes
by that I don't wake up
531
00:27:06,363 --> 00:27:08,627
feeling horrible, because
I know in my heart
532
00:27:08,670 --> 00:27:11,151
there was more I could
have done to save his life.
533
00:27:12,021 --> 00:27:14,023
But it was so pretty.
534
00:27:14,067 --> 00:27:16,896
[audience laughs]
535
00:27:21,988 --> 00:27:22,771
Timmy, no!
536
00:27:22,815 --> 00:27:24,555
Would you look at that?
537
00:27:27,167 --> 00:27:29,648
That's the beginning of
the Chinese space program.
538
00:27:30,561 --> 00:27:33,390
[audience laughs]
539
00:27:34,740 --> 00:27:37,960
My childhood was fraught
with tragedy, actually.
540
00:27:38,004 --> 00:27:40,267
I wasn't a bright child.
541
00:27:40,310 --> 00:27:42,182
I had a very weak vocabulary.
542
00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:44,750
In fact, if I'd have
known the difference
543
00:27:44,793 --> 00:27:46,708
between antidote and anecdote,
544
00:27:46,752 --> 00:27:49,972
my friend, Bobby Schneider,
would still be alive today.
545
00:27:50,016 --> 00:27:52,845
[audience laughs]
546
00:27:54,629 --> 00:27:56,152
He got bit by copperhead,
547
00:27:56,196 --> 00:27:59,068
I'm reading him funny stories
out of "Reader's Digest".
548
00:28:00,809 --> 00:28:02,158
His head's starting to swell.
549
00:28:02,202 --> 00:28:03,203
I'm like, "It ain't working."
550
00:28:03,246 --> 00:28:05,684
He goes, "Read faster!"
551
00:28:05,727 --> 00:28:07,642
[audience laughs]
552
00:28:07,686 --> 00:28:10,471
Things are going great, though,
for me, not for my grandpa.
553
00:28:10,514 --> 00:28:12,038
He can't afford Viagra.
554
00:28:13,692 --> 00:28:15,171
So I buy him ginkgo biloba
555
00:28:15,215 --> 00:28:18,174
and now he can remember what
it's like to have a hard-on.
556
00:28:18,218 --> 00:28:20,742
[audience laughs]
557
00:28:20,786 --> 00:28:23,614
[audience cheers]
558
00:28:25,878 --> 00:28:27,096
Things are going great, though.
559
00:28:27,140 --> 00:28:28,489
I just got married a
couple of months ago,
560
00:28:28,532 --> 00:28:29,751
and I'm very excited.
561
00:28:29,795 --> 00:28:32,711
I'm as happy as I've
ever been in my life.
562
00:28:32,754 --> 00:28:35,670
[audience cheers]
563
00:28:35,714 --> 00:28:37,193
The first time we made love,
564
00:28:37,237 --> 00:28:39,413
it was a little
awkward, because, well,
565
00:28:39,456 --> 00:28:42,198
you've heard of these
screamers, right?
566
00:28:42,242 --> 00:28:45,245
Well, apparently, she had
never been with one, right?
567
00:28:45,288 --> 00:28:46,812
'Cause I'm,
568
00:28:46,855 --> 00:28:49,728
[audience laughs]
569
00:28:51,599 --> 00:28:52,774
I'm going at it.
570
00:28:52,818 --> 00:28:57,518
I'm like, [screams]
571
00:28:58,824 --> 00:29:00,913
She's like, "What's
up with that?"
572
00:29:02,436 --> 00:29:03,742
I'm a screamer, baby.
573
00:29:06,483 --> 00:29:09,573
Daddy makes a little
racket in the sack.
574
00:29:09,617 --> 00:29:12,446
[audience laughs]
575
00:29:16,450 --> 00:29:18,321
I'm from Texas.
576
00:29:18,365 --> 00:29:19,583
I'm a cowboy, a real cowboy.
577
00:29:19,627 --> 00:29:22,238
I was a bronc rider for
six years of my life
578
00:29:22,282 --> 00:29:25,285
[audience applauds]
579
00:29:26,199 --> 00:29:27,504
and it's affected me.
580
00:29:29,202 --> 00:29:32,640
Now, when I have sex,
my arm goes like this.
581
00:29:36,644 --> 00:29:38,994
Seems to be some dispute
between the wife and I
582
00:29:39,038 --> 00:29:41,780
whether or not I'm staying
on that full eight seconds.
583
00:29:42,824 --> 00:29:45,827
[audience laughs]
584
00:29:45,871 --> 00:29:49,483
[audience cheers]
585
00:29:49,526 --> 00:29:51,224
So, we got the timer and buzzer
586
00:29:51,267 --> 00:29:52,921
and set it up right
there in the bedroom,
587
00:29:52,965 --> 00:29:57,970
and I taught her the meaning
of the phrase most of the time.
588
00:29:59,928 --> 00:30:01,538
Would have been all the time,
589
00:30:01,582 --> 00:30:04,280
but she won't let me tie that
rope around her waist anymore.
590
00:30:06,413 --> 00:30:10,373
She hates it when I spur
her out of the chutes.
591
00:30:10,417 --> 00:30:13,246
[audience laughs]
592
00:30:14,247 --> 00:30:15,204
Hey, you laugh.
593
00:30:15,248 --> 00:30:16,771
It's not easy to
keep an erection
594
00:30:16,815 --> 00:30:20,470
with a clown and a barrel
in the corner of the room.
595
00:30:20,514 --> 00:30:23,343
[audience laughs]
596
00:30:29,915 --> 00:30:30,872
Is it, sir?
597
00:30:35,007 --> 00:30:36,704
I'm probably not
a typical Texan,
598
00:30:36,747 --> 00:30:37,966
in that I don't hunt.
599
00:30:38,010 --> 00:30:39,533
I fish, but I don't hunt,
600
00:30:39,576 --> 00:30:41,143
and not because I think it
might somehow be more holy
601
00:30:41,187 --> 00:30:42,928
to eat meat that's been
bludgeoned to death
602
00:30:42,971 --> 00:30:43,842
by somebody else.
603
00:30:43,885 --> 00:30:45,495
That's not it.
604
00:30:45,539 --> 00:30:46,801
It's really early
in the morning.
605
00:30:46,845 --> 00:30:47,976
It's really cold outside,
606
00:30:48,020 --> 00:30:49,543
and I don't want to go.
607
00:30:50,457 --> 00:30:53,242
[audience laughs]
608
00:30:54,591 --> 00:30:55,941
My cousin, Ray,
on the other hand,
609
00:30:55,984 --> 00:30:57,681
things killing a deer
with a deer rifle
610
00:30:57,725 --> 00:30:59,335
is magic in the forest,
611
00:30:59,379 --> 00:31:01,860
and I'd like to do for
you now my impression
612
00:31:01,903 --> 00:31:04,384
of my cousin, Ray,
after the big kill.
613
00:31:06,038 --> 00:31:08,388
"Well, it was four
in the morning,
614
00:31:09,911 --> 00:31:11,739
22 degrees outside.
615
00:31:12,827 --> 00:31:16,875
Of course, you
weren't there, pussy.
616
00:31:16,918 --> 00:31:19,747
[audience laughs]
617
00:31:20,661 --> 00:31:22,706
I'm in a camouflaged deer blind
618
00:31:22,750 --> 00:31:25,013
with grease paint on my face.
619
00:31:25,057 --> 00:31:28,712
I've got deer urine on my boots.
620
00:31:28,756 --> 00:31:30,453
I'm not sure why."
621
00:31:30,497 --> 00:31:32,891
[audience laughs]
622
00:31:32,934 --> 00:31:34,936
I made that part up.
623
00:31:34,980 --> 00:31:37,983
[audience cheers]
624
00:31:38,026 --> 00:31:40,246
"I got a .30-06 with
a 12-power scope
625
00:31:40,289 --> 00:31:43,989
and a bullet that'll travel
2200 feet per second.
626
00:31:44,032 --> 00:31:46,948
When that deer looked up
to lick the salt sucker
627
00:31:46,992 --> 00:31:48,950
I'd hung from the
danged old tree
628
00:31:50,082 --> 00:31:53,259
[audience laughs]
629
00:31:53,302 --> 00:31:55,348
caught him right above the eye."
630
00:31:57,393 --> 00:31:59,961
Yeah, well, I hit
one with a van,
631
00:32:00,005 --> 00:32:02,790
[audience laughs]
632
00:32:07,490 --> 00:32:10,667
going 55 miles an hour,
633
00:32:10,711 --> 00:32:14,236
with the headlights on
and the horn blowing.
634
00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:16,586
[audience cheers]
635
00:32:16,630 --> 00:32:18,937
Whew, that's an elusive
little creature.
636
00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:22,288
If you ever miss one,
637
00:32:22,331 --> 00:32:23,550
it's 'cause the bullet's
moving too fast.
638
00:32:23,593 --> 00:32:24,986
Slow that bullet down
at 55 miles an hour,
639
00:32:25,030 --> 00:32:27,728
put some headlights and
a little horn on it,
640
00:32:27,771 --> 00:32:31,471
the deer will actually jump
in front of the bullet.
641
00:32:31,514 --> 00:32:34,343
[audience laughs]
642
00:32:40,959 --> 00:32:42,003
It's kind of weird,
when we got married,
643
00:32:42,047 --> 00:32:43,439
we got married in Nassau,
644
00:32:43,483 --> 00:32:44,832
and we were walking
down the street
645
00:32:44,875 --> 00:32:45,659
and we'd just gotten married.
646
00:32:45,702 --> 00:32:47,400
It was a beautiful day.
647
00:32:47,443 --> 00:32:49,793
We'd been married for
45 minutes, so things
are going great.
648
00:32:49,837 --> 00:32:52,274
[audience laughs]
649
00:32:52,318 --> 00:32:54,755
And this guy comes up to
me and my wife and he goes,
650
00:32:54,798 --> 00:32:57,540
"Hey, man, I saw you on
that Blue Collar deal."
651
00:32:57,584 --> 00:32:59,412
And I said, "Well,
thank you very much,"
652
00:32:59,455 --> 00:33:00,761
which is a stupid
thing for me to say,
653
00:33:00,804 --> 00:33:01,805
'cause he didn't
say he liked it.
654
00:33:01,849 --> 00:33:03,720
He just said he saw it, right?
655
00:33:04,939 --> 00:33:05,853
But I don't always
know what to say,
656
00:33:05,896 --> 00:33:07,202
so I said, "Thank you very much.
657
00:33:07,246 --> 00:33:08,116
I hope you have a nice day."
658
00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:09,030
And I turned around and he goes,
659
00:33:09,074 --> 00:33:10,771
"I was talking to you."
660
00:33:12,033 --> 00:33:14,209
I'm like, "What?"
661
00:33:14,253 --> 00:33:16,124
He goes, "Do you
like Garth Brooks?"
662
00:33:17,299 --> 00:33:19,998
[woman cheers]
663
00:33:20,041 --> 00:33:21,086
I'm like, "Yeah, I like
Garth Brooks fine."
664
00:33:21,129 --> 00:33:22,391
I don't, but I said I did,
665
00:33:22,435 --> 00:33:24,654
because I just wanted
to get on with my day.
666
00:33:26,265 --> 00:33:28,354
He goes, "Garth Brooks is
only entertainer in America
667
00:33:28,397 --> 00:33:29,833
worth paying money to see,"
668
00:33:29,877 --> 00:33:32,140
and I was like, oh, now I'm
trying not to be a jerk.
669
00:33:32,184 --> 00:33:34,142
because my manager told me I
couldn't be a jerk anymore,
670
00:33:34,186 --> 00:33:36,536
no matter what, right?
671
00:33:36,579 --> 00:33:39,408
[audience laughs]
672
00:33:41,584 --> 00:33:43,195
So, I said, "Well, I'm sure a
lot of people feel that way,
673
00:33:43,238 --> 00:33:44,761
'cause he's a great entertainer.
674
00:33:44,805 --> 00:33:47,460
And he's got throngs of fans
and sold a billion records.
675
00:33:47,503 --> 00:33:48,809
Anyway, have a nice day."
676
00:33:48,852 --> 00:33:51,942
He goes, "I camped out
one time for five days
677
00:33:51,986 --> 00:33:53,509
to get Garth Brooks tickets."
678
00:33:54,641 --> 00:33:56,077
I'm like, "Really?
679
00:33:56,121 --> 00:34:00,342
I wouldn't camp out for
five days if I was camping."
680
00:34:00,386 --> 00:34:03,606
[audience laughs]
681
00:34:03,650 --> 00:34:06,653
[audience applauds]
682
00:34:13,573 --> 00:34:16,750
I told that story three weeks
ago in Nashville, nothing.
683
00:34:16,793 --> 00:34:18,534
[audience laughs]
684
00:34:18,578 --> 00:34:20,145
Like I just told
a big Jesus joke
685
00:34:20,188 --> 00:34:21,537
in the middle of Bethlehem.
686
00:34:23,757 --> 00:34:25,846
This guy actually accosted
me after the show.
687
00:34:25,889 --> 00:34:27,717
He goes, "You don't
understand Garth Brooks."
688
00:34:27,761 --> 00:34:29,458
I'm like, "Yeah, I do."
689
00:34:30,764 --> 00:34:31,895
He goes, "No, you don't.
690
00:34:31,939 --> 00:34:33,984
He's country and
he's rock and roll."
691
00:34:35,464 --> 00:34:36,422
I know.
692
00:34:36,465 --> 00:34:38,598
[audience laughs]
693
00:34:38,641 --> 00:34:41,209
"He's like Led Zeppelin with
a big ass big belt buckle.
694
00:34:41,253 --> 00:34:43,385
He's like Aerosmith
with a can of Skoal.
695
00:34:43,429 --> 00:34:46,214
He's Donnie, and he's Marie."
696
00:34:46,258 --> 00:34:47,650
[audience laughs]
697
00:34:47,694 --> 00:34:49,087
"Take him camping with ya."
698
00:34:50,088 --> 00:34:52,916
[audience cheers]
699
00:35:00,098 --> 00:35:03,884
I married a rich woman,
if you ever have a choice,
700
00:35:03,927 --> 00:35:04,754
go ahead.
701
00:35:05,929 --> 00:35:06,713
Actually, that's a lie.
702
00:35:06,756 --> 00:35:07,627
She's not rich at all.
703
00:35:07,670 --> 00:35:12,588
Her parents are lo-ded-duh.
704
00:35:14,895 --> 00:35:16,679
and they hate my gu-uh-uts,
705
00:35:21,206 --> 00:35:22,990
and I'm waiting
for them to die-ie.
706
00:35:27,125 --> 00:35:28,952
And you'll know
if they die, too,
707
00:35:28,996 --> 00:35:31,781
'cause you'll never
see my fat ass again.
708
00:35:31,825 --> 00:35:34,654
[audience laughs]
709
00:35:39,659 --> 00:35:40,790
I hear a lot of this.
710
00:35:40,834 --> 00:35:42,009
I hear a lot of,
711
00:35:42,052 --> 00:35:43,880
well, Ron, you're pretty
good sized ol' boy.
712
00:35:43,924 --> 00:35:47,493
Well, I guess your
wife's a good coo-ook.
713
00:35:47,536 --> 00:35:49,103
[audience laughs]
714
00:35:49,147 --> 00:35:52,933
Bullshi-it.
715
00:35:52,976 --> 00:35:54,456
Oh, it got a little better
716
00:35:54,500 --> 00:35:57,329
when she figured out that
smoke alarm's not a timer.
717
00:35:57,372 --> 00:36:00,332
[audience applauds]
718
00:36:04,423 --> 00:36:05,946
I had to tell her, "Honey,
719
00:36:05,989 --> 00:36:09,167
the food is done before that
particular buzzer goes off."
720
00:36:10,429 --> 00:36:11,908
It was real bad when
we first got married.
721
00:36:11,952 --> 00:36:14,737
The first meal she
cooked in our new house,
722
00:36:14,781 --> 00:36:16,174
I couldn't eat it.
723
00:36:16,217 --> 00:36:18,437
I couldn't even tell
you what it was.
724
00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:20,047
I gave it to my dog, Sluggo.
725
00:36:20,090 --> 00:36:22,180
He started licking his butt.
726
00:36:25,922 --> 00:36:27,489
She comes in and goes,
"What's he doing?"
727
00:36:27,533 --> 00:36:29,361
I'm like, "Look like he's trying
728
00:36:29,404 --> 00:36:31,841
to get the taste
out of his mouth."
729
00:36:31,885 --> 00:36:35,018
[audience laughs]
730
00:36:35,062 --> 00:36:37,891
[audience cheers]
731
00:36:45,377 --> 00:36:47,335
Everything's an
emergency with my wife,
732
00:36:47,379 --> 00:36:48,989
'cause she never had to
deal with her own problems.
733
00:36:49,032 --> 00:36:50,643
Spoiled, catered
to her whole life.
734
00:36:50,686 --> 00:36:51,905
There's no cure for that.
735
00:36:51,948 --> 00:36:55,082
That ain't gonna get
better later, I fear.
736
00:36:55,125 --> 00:36:57,519
[audience laughs]
737
00:36:57,563 --> 00:36:59,652
I was in Atlanta one time
and she calls me one night
738
00:36:59,695 --> 00:37:00,696
and missed me in the hotel room.
739
00:37:00,740 --> 00:37:02,263
They catch me in the lobby
740
00:37:02,307 --> 00:37:05,527
and tell me I have an
emergency phone call from home.
741
00:37:05,571 --> 00:37:09,139
I knocked over 10 people in
the lobby of a very nice hotel,
742
00:37:09,183 --> 00:37:12,447
thinking maybe my in-laws...
743
00:37:12,491 --> 00:37:15,711
[audience laughs]
744
00:37:15,755 --> 00:37:18,584
[audience cheers]
745
00:37:22,065 --> 00:37:25,591
I call her, she tells
me my dog, Sluggo,
746
00:37:25,634 --> 00:37:27,767
just took a dump
on the new carpet.
747
00:37:29,551 --> 00:37:30,770
I'm like, "Shoot him."
748
00:37:32,772 --> 00:37:35,296
She goes, "That's
just like you, Ron.
749
00:37:35,340 --> 00:37:39,561
I have a genuine problem,
and you're being sarcastic."
750
00:37:42,129 --> 00:37:43,913
"All right, honey, I'm sorry.
751
00:37:45,785 --> 00:37:48,396
Put the dog on the
phone, I'll talk to him."
752
00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:51,269
[audience laughs]
753
00:37:54,620 --> 00:37:56,709
What do you want me to do?
754
00:37:56,752 --> 00:38:00,103
I'm in Georgia.
755
00:38:00,147 --> 00:38:02,280
I can't pick up the turd.
756
00:38:07,850 --> 00:38:10,853
"Put a paper towel over it,
I'll be home in a week, honey"
757
00:38:13,856 --> 00:38:15,728
I get home, it looks
like a little campground
758
00:38:15,771 --> 00:38:16,685
in the living room,
759
00:38:17,860 --> 00:38:19,122
like they're waiting
to buy tickets
760
00:38:19,166 --> 00:38:21,386
to a miniature Garth
Brooks concert.
761
00:38:22,300 --> 00:38:25,128
[audience cheers]
762
00:38:31,874 --> 00:38:33,789
Let him outside.
763
00:38:33,833 --> 00:38:35,313
He'll crap out there.
764
00:38:36,226 --> 00:38:37,924
I've seen him do it.
765
00:38:37,967 --> 00:38:40,796
[audience laughs]
766
00:38:42,798 --> 00:38:44,017
When I first met my wife,
767
00:38:44,060 --> 00:38:45,975
she had this 15 year
old Scottish terrier
768
00:38:46,019 --> 00:38:47,325
and it was kind of wobbly.
769
00:38:48,500 --> 00:38:49,718
And the first time
I saw the dog,
770
00:38:49,762 --> 00:38:51,590
I was like, oh, this
dog's about to die,
771
00:38:52,939 --> 00:38:54,201
and I don't want to go
through the death of this dog
772
00:38:54,244 --> 00:38:55,637
with this woman, I just met her.
773
00:38:55,681 --> 00:38:59,815
Sure enough, two weeks
later, clunk, dead,
774
00:38:59,859 --> 00:39:02,296
and she's inconsolable,
in bed, crying.
775
00:39:02,340 --> 00:39:05,081
I've seen people lose it
over the death of a pet,
776
00:39:05,125 --> 00:39:06,822
but this dog lived for 15 years.
777
00:39:06,866 --> 00:39:08,607
If you want to beat
that by very much,
778
00:39:08,650 --> 00:39:11,958
you've got to get a
tortoise or a tree.
779
00:39:12,001 --> 00:39:13,699
[audience laughs]
780
00:39:13,742 --> 00:39:15,788
And she's just losing it,
and I don't know what to do,
781
00:39:15,831 --> 00:39:17,833
and I call Foxworthy
and I tell Foxworthy,
782
00:39:17,877 --> 00:39:19,008
I said, "Buddy, I'm lost here."
783
00:39:19,052 --> 00:39:20,488
He goes, "Get her another dog,"
784
00:39:20,532 --> 00:39:21,663
or however he talks.
785
00:39:22,490 --> 00:39:25,363
[audience laughs]
786
00:39:33,371 --> 00:39:35,285
So, I tell her, I said, "Honey,
I'll get you another dog,"
787
00:39:35,329 --> 00:39:36,199
and she just loses it.
788
00:39:36,243 --> 00:39:37,331
"I don't want another dog.
789
00:39:37,375 --> 00:39:38,680
I never want another dog.
790
00:39:38,724 --> 00:39:40,203
I want my Tati back."
791
00:39:40,247 --> 00:39:41,248
I'm like, yeesh.
792
00:39:42,554 --> 00:39:43,859
So, I listened to
it for like a week,
793
00:39:43,903 --> 00:39:44,773
and I'm like, you know what?
794
00:39:44,817 --> 00:39:46,340
I'm gonna get another dog.
795
00:39:46,384 --> 00:39:48,211
So, I find this place that
raises Scotties where we live,
796
00:39:48,255 --> 00:39:50,257
not too far, and I
get her in the car
797
00:39:50,300 --> 00:39:51,214
and I tell her
where we're going,
798
00:39:51,258 --> 00:39:51,998
and at first, she's against it.
799
00:39:52,041 --> 00:39:53,303
"I don't want a dog.
800
00:39:53,347 --> 00:39:54,609
I never want another dog.
801
00:39:54,653 --> 00:39:55,741
I want my Tati."
802
00:39:56,655 --> 00:39:58,396
But we get down there, right?
803
00:39:58,439 --> 00:39:59,875
She sees them all
hopping in the window,
804
00:39:59,919 --> 00:40:02,182
pick me, pick me, you know?
805
00:40:02,225 --> 00:40:03,749
[audience laughs]
806
00:40:03,792 --> 00:40:05,664
And I buy her this little
black Scottish terrier puppy,
807
00:40:05,707 --> 00:40:10,016
and I give it to her, and
folks, it heals her heart.
808
00:40:11,017 --> 00:40:13,454
It heals her heart.
809
00:40:13,498 --> 00:40:15,543
Well, two weeks ago,
her father passed away,
810
00:40:15,587 --> 00:40:18,503
and I'm like, I think I
see a way out of this.
811
00:40:18,546 --> 00:40:21,419
[audience laughs]
812
00:40:22,768 --> 00:40:24,334
So, I get her in the car.
813
00:40:24,378 --> 00:40:26,554
She doesn't know we're going
to the old folks home, right?
814
00:40:26,598 --> 00:40:29,601
[audience applauds]
815
00:40:30,819 --> 00:40:32,560
And when I tell her, at
first, she's against it.
816
00:40:32,604 --> 00:40:34,214
"I don't want a new daddy.
817
00:40:34,257 --> 00:40:35,824
I don't want a new daddy."
818
00:40:36,782 --> 00:40:37,957
But we get down there,
819
00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:39,349
she sees them all
hopping in the window,
820
00:40:39,393 --> 00:40:41,134
pick me, pick me.
821
00:40:41,177 --> 00:40:43,484
[audience laughs]
822
00:40:43,528 --> 00:40:44,964
She wanted a black one.
823
00:40:45,007 --> 00:40:47,575
I'm like, keep it simple,
that's what I'd do.
824
00:40:47,619 --> 00:40:49,490
[audience laughs]
825
00:40:49,534 --> 00:40:52,624
[audience cheers]
826
00:40:52,667 --> 00:40:53,929
Nothing wrong with it.
827
00:40:53,973 --> 00:40:55,844
Think it through,
though, you know?
828
00:40:55,888 --> 00:40:57,411
He acts weird when
I'm in the room,
829
00:40:57,455 --> 00:41:00,632
but I think it's because
he smells my daddy on me.
830
00:41:00,675 --> 00:41:03,461
[audience laughs]
831
00:41:05,332 --> 00:41:06,289
I'm a dog lover.
832
00:41:07,334 --> 00:41:10,946
[audience cheers]
833
00:41:10,990 --> 00:41:12,208
Actually, I love my dog.
834
00:41:12,252 --> 00:41:13,732
I don't care about
your dog at all.
835
00:41:13,775 --> 00:41:15,385
I really don't.
836
00:41:15,429 --> 00:41:17,518
I don't know if that's enough
to make me a dog lover or not.
837
00:41:17,562 --> 00:41:18,998
We have three dogs.
838
00:41:19,041 --> 00:41:20,782
We have two Scottie's, and
then my dog's a bulldog,
839
00:41:20,826 --> 00:41:23,176
Sluggo, English bulldog.
840
00:41:23,219 --> 00:41:24,525
[audience cheers]
841
00:41:24,569 --> 00:41:26,788
You know what I do to
him when he's asleep?
842
00:41:26,832 --> 00:41:30,313
I lift up those big,
old, huge bulldog jowls
843
00:41:30,357 --> 00:41:32,751
and I hide M&Ms
and crap in there.
844
00:41:32,794 --> 00:41:35,841
[audience laughs]
845
00:41:35,884 --> 00:41:37,103
He wakes up in the morning.
846
00:41:37,146 --> 00:41:39,148
He's like, [slurps]
847
00:41:39,192 --> 00:41:41,934
gonna be a good day, Tater.
848
00:41:41,977 --> 00:41:44,806
[audience cheers]
849
00:41:52,205 --> 00:41:53,380
He calls me Tater.
850
00:41:55,034 --> 00:41:56,514
Great dog.
851
00:41:56,557 --> 00:41:58,037
I studded him out last year
for pick of the litter,
852
00:41:58,080 --> 00:41:59,647
and I put him with a female
dog for a couple of weeks,
853
00:41:59,691 --> 00:42:00,866
'cause every once in a while,
854
00:42:00,909 --> 00:42:01,954
you just feel like
getting your dog laid.
855
00:42:01,997 --> 00:42:03,956
You know, he hadn't been laid.
856
00:42:03,999 --> 00:42:05,958
He's been in the backyard
for two years, shaking.
857
00:42:06,001 --> 00:42:07,176
Do you know somebody, Tater?
858
00:42:07,220 --> 00:42:08,438
Is there somebody
you could call?
859
00:42:08,482 --> 00:42:12,051
Could you throw a poodle
over the fence, buddy?
860
00:42:12,094 --> 00:42:14,532
I'm turning blue back here.
861
00:42:14,575 --> 00:42:17,186
[audience laughs]
862
00:42:17,230 --> 00:42:18,492
Then, to make sure it took,
863
00:42:18,536 --> 00:42:20,363
I took him down to the
veterinarian's office
864
00:42:20,407 --> 00:42:23,758
and had artificial
insemination done twice.
865
00:42:23,802 --> 00:42:25,064
Now, for those of
you that don't know,
866
00:42:25,107 --> 00:42:27,196
that's where they obtain
the semen from Sluggo
867
00:42:27,240 --> 00:42:29,024
and put it in the female dog,
868
00:42:29,068 --> 00:42:31,200
and now it's pretty
easy to get old Sluggo
869
00:42:31,244 --> 00:42:32,593
to go to the vet.
870
00:42:33,594 --> 00:42:36,423
[audience laughs]
871
00:42:40,079 --> 00:42:42,603
You say something around my
house that sounds like vet,
872
00:42:42,647 --> 00:42:44,692
Sluggo's humping air.
873
00:42:44,736 --> 00:42:47,565
[audience laughs]
874
00:42:50,611 --> 00:42:52,918
I went down there, the
veterinarian had the audacity
875
00:42:52,961 --> 00:42:55,094
to say to me, "Mr. White, if
you'll just come on back here,
876
00:42:55,137 --> 00:42:56,617
we'll show you how to do this,
877
00:42:56,661 --> 00:42:57,879
and next time, you don't
have to bring in the dog.
878
00:42:57,923 --> 00:42:59,228
You can just bring
in the semen."
879
00:42:59,272 --> 00:43:01,274
I was like, "That's okay.
880
00:43:01,317 --> 00:43:03,493
[audience laughs]
881
00:43:03,537 --> 00:43:05,844
He follows me around
too much as it is."
882
00:43:08,150 --> 00:43:11,153
[audience applauds]
883
00:43:13,199 --> 00:43:16,724
Two months ago, he ran away,
and he was gone for 10 hours.
884
00:43:16,768 --> 00:43:20,772
All day, and when he got
home, just to piss him off,
885
00:43:20,815 --> 00:43:22,121
took him for a walk.
886
00:43:23,688 --> 00:43:24,471
You guys were great.
887
00:43:24,514 --> 00:43:25,733
I hope you enjoyed it.
888
00:43:25,777 --> 00:43:28,431
This has been fun.
[audience cheers]
889
00:43:44,404 --> 00:43:47,450
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Jeff Foxworthy.
890
00:43:47,494 --> 00:43:50,149
[upbeat music]
891
00:43:50,192 --> 00:43:53,021
[audience cheers]
892
00:44:02,596 --> 00:44:03,771
- Thank you very much.
893
00:44:03,815 --> 00:44:05,643
Ron White, everybody.
894
00:44:05,686 --> 00:44:08,515
[audience cheers]
895
00:44:11,605 --> 00:44:13,738
Thank you very much.
896
00:44:13,781 --> 00:44:15,304
Thank you very much.
897
00:44:15,348 --> 00:44:19,134
Man, it is so cool to be back
together with these guys,
898
00:44:19,178 --> 00:44:21,136
doing this, you know?
899
00:44:21,180 --> 00:44:25,271
I swear.
[audience cheers]
900
00:44:25,314 --> 00:44:30,102
'Cause this is a group where
I know I fit in, you know?
901
00:44:30,145 --> 00:44:31,756
'Cause they way
the world is now,
902
00:44:31,799 --> 00:44:33,845
you can be part of a
group and not even know
903
00:44:33,888 --> 00:44:35,803
you're a part of a group
until you read about it
904
00:44:35,847 --> 00:44:37,675
or see it on TV, and
I'll give you an example
905
00:44:37,718 --> 00:44:39,154
of what I'm talking about.
906
00:44:39,198 --> 00:44:41,635
My wife and I, we love
watching, like, Dateline,
907
00:44:41,679 --> 00:44:43,158
20/20, those shows,
908
00:44:43,202 --> 00:44:46,988
but you know how every week
they will feature a disease,
909
00:44:47,032 --> 00:44:49,295
and I swear to you, every week,
910
00:44:49,338 --> 00:44:53,212
no matter what the disease
is, my wife has it.
911
00:44:54,387 --> 00:44:55,780
There'll be three
people on the planet
912
00:44:55,823 --> 00:44:58,696
that have this disease,
my wife is one of them.
913
00:44:58,739 --> 00:45:00,045
She just watches it going,
914
00:45:02,482 --> 00:45:03,744
"I've got it.
915
00:45:05,006 --> 00:45:07,356
I have every one
of those symptoms."
916
00:45:07,400 --> 00:45:10,490
I'm like, "You do not
have testicular cancer."
917
00:45:10,533 --> 00:45:13,362
[audience laughs]
918
00:45:15,495 --> 00:45:18,193
You don't even have testiculars.
919
00:45:18,237 --> 00:45:19,760
[audience laughs]
920
00:45:19,804 --> 00:45:23,024
But they've made us such
a bunch of paranoid nuts,
921
00:45:23,068 --> 00:45:25,157
you know, because
when I was growing up,
922
00:45:25,200 --> 00:45:26,375
there were two
medicines in the world.
923
00:45:26,419 --> 00:45:28,464
You had aspirin and
Campho-Phenique.
924
00:45:28,508 --> 00:45:29,727
That's all there was.
925
00:45:30,945 --> 00:45:32,642
Now there's so many medicines,
926
00:45:32,686 --> 00:45:34,296
and they got this
prescription stuff
927
00:45:34,340 --> 00:45:36,342
that they advertise
on TV, and I swear,
928
00:45:36,385 --> 00:45:39,214
half the time, the side
effects are 50 times worse
929
00:45:39,258 --> 00:45:40,738
than what the medicine cures.
930
00:45:41,608 --> 00:45:44,437
[audience cheers]
931
00:45:46,831 --> 00:45:48,615
It's like, try new Floraflor.
932
00:45:48,658 --> 00:45:51,400
For itchy, watery
eyes, it's Floraflor.
933
00:45:51,444 --> 00:45:53,576
Side effects may include
nausea, vomiting,
934
00:45:53,620 --> 00:45:55,143
water weight gain,
lower back pain,
935
00:45:55,187 --> 00:45:58,059
receding hairline, eczema,
seborrhea psoriasis,
936
00:45:58,103 --> 00:45:59,844
itching, chafing
clothing, liver spots,
937
00:45:59,887 --> 00:46:02,324
blood clots, ringworm,
excessive body odor,
938
00:46:02,368 --> 00:46:05,110
uneven tire wear, pyorrhea,
gonorrhea, diarrhea,
939
00:46:05,153 --> 00:46:09,070
halitosis, scoliosis,
loss of bladder control,
940
00:46:09,114 --> 00:46:12,204
hammertoe, the shanks,
low sperm count,
941
00:46:12,247 --> 00:46:14,380
warped floors, cluttered
drawers, hunchback,
942
00:46:14,423 --> 00:46:17,557
heart attack, low resell
value on your home,
943
00:46:17,600 --> 00:46:19,341
[audience laughs]
944
00:46:19,385 --> 00:46:21,256
feline leukemia, athlete's foot,
945
00:46:21,300 --> 00:46:23,781
head lice, club
foot, MS, MD, VD,
946
00:46:23,824 --> 00:46:27,262
fleas, anxiety, sleeplessness,
drowsiness, poor gas mileage,
947
00:46:27,306 --> 00:46:30,613
tooth decay, parvo,
warts, unibrow, lazy eye,
948
00:46:30,657 --> 00:46:32,224
fruit flies, chest
pains, clogged drains,
949
00:46:32,267 --> 00:46:34,792
hemorrhoids, dry heaving,
and sexual dysfunction.
950
00:46:36,619 --> 00:46:39,448
[audience cheers]
951
00:46:45,498 --> 00:46:46,891
I'm watching it
going, you know what?
952
00:46:46,934 --> 00:46:48,980
I'll just have
itchy, watery eyes.
953
00:46:50,895 --> 00:46:52,287
And some the side effects,
954
00:46:52,331 --> 00:46:54,202
have you seen the
commercial for Cialis,
955
00:46:54,246 --> 00:46:56,117
the Viagra knockoff?
956
00:46:56,161 --> 00:46:57,466
In the commercial,
they will tell you,
957
00:46:57,510 --> 00:46:59,251
if this pill does what it should
958
00:46:59,294 --> 00:47:01,253
and you have this condition
959
00:47:01,296 --> 00:47:05,648
for longer than four
continuous hours,
960
00:47:05,692 --> 00:47:07,825
you should go to the hospital.
961
00:47:08,695 --> 00:47:09,609
You know what?
962
00:47:09,652 --> 00:47:11,219
I might go to the hospital,
963
00:47:11,263 --> 00:47:14,440
but I'm wearing that little
gown they give you backwards,
964
00:47:14,483 --> 00:47:16,007
[audience laughs]
965
00:47:16,050 --> 00:47:18,183
and walkin' the halls, baby.
966
00:47:19,184 --> 00:47:22,013
[audience cheers]
967
00:47:26,321 --> 00:47:27,496
How you doin'?
968
00:47:28,846 --> 00:47:30,543
Who's got a flag?
969
00:47:32,153 --> 00:47:33,851
Hey, you want to
hang that coat up?
970
00:47:38,464 --> 00:47:41,032
The worst side effect I've
seen, there's this diet pill,
971
00:47:41,075 --> 00:47:45,036
and one of the side effects
that they list is anal seepage.
972
00:47:46,428 --> 00:47:49,344
You know, I don't care
how much weight you lose,
973
00:47:49,388 --> 00:47:50,911
if this side effect kicks in,
974
00:47:50,955 --> 00:47:53,087
you ain't looking
good in them jeans.
975
00:47:54,393 --> 00:47:56,177
Oh, man, check out
the girl over there.
976
00:47:56,221 --> 00:47:57,352
Ah, man!
977
00:47:57,396 --> 00:48:00,225
[audience laughs]
978
00:48:02,401 --> 00:48:03,881
Anal seepage.
979
00:48:05,143 --> 00:48:06,971
It's not even fun to say,
980
00:48:08,233 --> 00:48:11,889
much less write on
an insurance report,
981
00:48:11,932 --> 00:48:14,152
and not medical
insurance, homeowners,
982
00:48:14,195 --> 00:48:16,197
to explain why
your sofa's sitting
983
00:48:16,241 --> 00:48:18,939
at the end of the driveway.
984
00:48:18,983 --> 00:48:21,811
[audience laughs]
985
00:48:23,204 --> 00:48:25,250
There are some goofy
medical things out there.
986
00:48:25,293 --> 00:48:27,295
They had a guy on
Ripley's Believe It or Not
987
00:48:27,339 --> 00:48:29,994
about a year ago, that,
in a tragic accident,
988
00:48:30,037 --> 00:48:33,736
got his happy place chopped off,
989
00:48:33,780 --> 00:48:35,825
and his doctor, in
a fit of brilliance,
990
00:48:35,869 --> 00:48:39,525
decided they were going to
cut the man's finger off
991
00:48:39,568 --> 00:48:43,746
and use it to create
a new happy place.
992
00:48:43,790 --> 00:48:45,226
And I'm sitting
there watching this,
993
00:48:45,270 --> 00:48:46,445
thinking, I want to see this guy
994
00:48:46,488 --> 00:48:49,274
put his contact lenses in.
995
00:48:49,317 --> 00:48:51,580
[audience applauds]
996
00:48:51,624 --> 00:48:55,497
And this is not the man
you ask directions from.
997
00:48:55,541 --> 00:48:57,064
Well, take a right out
of the parking lot,
998
00:48:57,108 --> 00:48:59,501
then they're gonna
have to make a U-turn.
999
00:48:59,545 --> 00:49:00,763
That's okay.
1000
00:49:00,807 --> 00:49:01,416
We'll find it by
ourselves, thanks.
1001
00:49:01,460 --> 00:49:03,288
Thanks.
1002
00:49:03,331 --> 00:49:06,160
[audience cheers]
1003
00:49:08,336 --> 00:49:12,645
Can you imagine the
pre-surgery consultation?
1004
00:49:12,688 --> 00:49:13,951
The doctor going,
1005
00:49:13,994 --> 00:49:15,256
"Well, I think we're
gonna attempt to do
1006
00:49:15,300 --> 00:49:16,997
is to remove one of your fingers
1007
00:49:17,041 --> 00:49:20,870
and use it to create a
new happy place for you."
1008
00:49:21,915 --> 00:49:23,221
"One of my fingers?
1009
00:49:24,700 --> 00:49:26,876
It ain't gonna be my
pinky, is it, doc?
1010
00:49:28,313 --> 00:49:30,880
'Cause, listen, I don't use
my left arm all that much.
1011
00:49:30,924 --> 00:49:35,189
Y'all can go ahead and take it
right there at the shoulder."
1012
00:49:35,233 --> 00:49:38,236
[audience applauds]
1013
00:49:41,979 --> 00:49:44,372
You know, probably my
favorite channel on TV
1014
00:49:44,416 --> 00:49:45,983
is the Outdoor Channel,
1015
00:49:46,026 --> 00:49:47,462
'cause I've always
loved the outdoors,
1016
00:49:47,506 --> 00:49:49,160
hunting and fishing and stuff.
1017
00:49:49,203 --> 00:49:50,378
[audience cheers]
1018
00:49:50,422 --> 00:49:51,292
I'm addicted to the
Outdoor Channel,
1019
00:49:51,336 --> 00:49:52,554
just because it's amazing,
1020
00:49:52,598 --> 00:49:54,469
the footage they get
of these animals.
1021
00:49:54,513 --> 00:49:56,689
Like, you'll see things like,
1022
00:49:56,732 --> 00:49:58,169
"All right, we're
down here deer hunting
1023
00:49:58,212 --> 00:50:00,127
at the Pearl's Ranch
in South Texas,
1024
00:50:00,171 --> 00:50:05,132
and there's a giant 14-point
buck eight yards away from us."
1025
00:50:05,176 --> 00:50:07,004
You know, and that's
fascinating to watch,
1026
00:50:07,047 --> 00:50:10,920
but that is not the kind
of hunting I grew up with,
1027
00:50:10,964 --> 00:50:14,228
'cause if they had filmed us,
it would have been more like.
1028
00:50:14,272 --> 00:50:15,925
"All right, uh,
1029
00:50:17,101 --> 00:50:21,540
we're out here hunting
on somebody's property.
1030
00:50:21,583 --> 00:50:23,890
[audience laughs]
1031
00:50:23,933 --> 00:50:26,197
And right now we
can see this deer,
1032
00:50:26,240 --> 00:50:28,416
or either a real little cow,
1033
00:50:30,679 --> 00:50:33,508
so I'm gonna see if I
can ease my window down
1034
00:50:33,552 --> 00:50:37,208
real quiet-like.
[audience cheers]
1035
00:50:41,690 --> 00:50:44,563
Get the gun and see
if I can't get it out.
1036
00:50:47,131 --> 00:50:48,958
Wait a minute, Danny,
1037
00:50:49,002 --> 00:50:50,090
hold my beer.
1038
00:50:51,396 --> 00:50:54,225
[audience cheers]
1039
00:50:57,837 --> 00:51:00,927
All right, I'm having a hard
time getting steady on him.
1040
00:51:02,755 --> 00:51:05,671
Danny, you and Charlene,
knock it off back there, man.
1041
00:51:09,240 --> 00:51:10,763
All right, there he is.
1042
00:51:10,806 --> 00:51:14,114
I got him. [imitates explosion]
1043
00:51:14,158 --> 00:51:16,160
Oh, man.
1044
00:51:16,203 --> 00:51:18,292
That wasn't a deer.
1045
00:51:18,336 --> 00:51:20,207
That was a propane tank.
1046
00:51:20,251 --> 00:51:22,383
[audience laughs]
1047
00:51:22,427 --> 00:51:24,777
Oh, and that lady is mad.
1048
00:51:26,213 --> 00:51:28,737
That's Mama, that's
our propane tank!"
1049
00:51:29,825 --> 00:51:32,828
[audience applauds]
1050
00:51:35,222 --> 00:51:37,311
Now, of course, my
wife's favorite TV show
1051
00:51:37,355 --> 00:51:38,834
is the "Queer Eye for
the Straight Guy".
1052
00:51:38,878 --> 00:51:40,575
My wife loves that show.
1053
00:51:40,619 --> 00:51:42,490
[audience cheers]
1054
00:51:42,534 --> 00:51:44,231
Lot of women like that one.
1055
00:51:44,275 --> 00:51:45,537
Guys, you know what
I'm talking about?
1056
00:51:45,580 --> 00:51:47,104
If you haven't seen it,
1057
00:51:47,147 --> 00:51:49,889
it's the show where women
will dump their boyfriend off
1058
00:51:49,932 --> 00:51:51,717
for the weekend
with five gay guys,
1059
00:51:51,760 --> 00:51:53,806
and then they take him and
they buy him new clothes
1060
00:51:53,849 --> 00:51:55,938
and they get his hair cut and
they clean up his apartment.
1061
00:51:55,982 --> 00:51:58,376
And I told my wife, I said,
"This only works one way.
1062
00:51:58,419 --> 00:52:00,769
Men would not be allowed
to dump our girlfriends off
1063
00:52:00,813 --> 00:52:02,554
for the weekend with
five hookers and say,
1064
00:52:02,597 --> 00:52:05,252
'Just slut her up, just
a little bit, you know?'"
1065
00:52:05,296 --> 00:52:08,125
[audience cheers]
1066
00:52:12,041 --> 00:52:13,565
But I told my wife, I said,
1067
00:52:13,608 --> 00:52:16,481
"What I would like to see
them do is flip flop that show
1068
00:52:16,524 --> 00:52:17,960
and put it on the
Outdoor Channel,
1069
00:52:18,004 --> 00:52:20,006
and let like five
rednecks take the gay guy
1070
00:52:20,049 --> 00:52:22,400
deer hunting for the
weekend, you know?"
1071
00:52:22,443 --> 00:52:25,272
[audience cheers]
1072
00:52:28,188 --> 00:52:30,103
"Hey, friends, we're down
here at the hunting camp
1073
00:52:30,147 --> 00:52:31,757
with our new buddy, Eric,
1074
00:52:31,800 --> 00:52:34,325
and last night, Eric was kind
enough to make dinner for us.
1075
00:52:34,368 --> 00:52:36,588
Now, what was that
you made, Eric?
1076
00:52:36,631 --> 00:52:39,721
A lavash and goat cheese salad.
1077
00:52:41,027 --> 00:52:42,594
Well, to be honest with
you, we couldn't eat it,
1078
00:52:42,637 --> 00:52:44,291
but we opened up a
can of Hormel chili,
1079
00:52:44,335 --> 00:52:47,425
dumped that on top of it,
and it was pretty durn tasty.
1080
00:52:47,468 --> 00:52:49,078
[audience cheers]
1081
00:52:49,122 --> 00:52:50,993
You put that Hormel
on top of your head,
1082
00:52:51,037 --> 00:52:52,299
your tongue'll beat
your brains out
1083
00:52:52,343 --> 00:52:54,388
trying to get to that stuff.
1084
00:52:54,432 --> 00:52:56,564
Well, after dinner, we
went out by the fire pit
1085
00:52:56,608 --> 00:52:58,305
where Buddy Wayne
pulled out his guitar
1086
00:52:58,349 --> 00:52:59,741
and played some country songs,
1087
00:52:59,785 --> 00:53:01,830
and then Eric jumped
up on the picnic table
1088
00:53:01,874 --> 00:53:05,007
and sang 'It's Raining Men'
and a medley of Cher hits.
1089
00:53:06,226 --> 00:53:07,445
Then we came back in the cabin,
1090
00:53:07,488 --> 00:53:09,142
where Eric slept on the couch
1091
00:53:09,186 --> 00:53:11,275
and the five of us locked
ourselves in the bunk room
1092
00:53:11,318 --> 00:53:14,234
and pushed the chest of
drawers up against the door."
1093
00:53:14,278 --> 00:53:15,453
[audience laughs]
1094
00:53:15,496 --> 00:53:16,454
And I know somebody's
gonna hear this and go,
1095
00:53:16,497 --> 00:53:17,933
"Oh, Foxworthy's homophobic."
1096
00:53:17,977 --> 00:53:20,109
Trust me, I am not homophobic.
1097
00:53:20,153 --> 00:53:22,416
And I had a friend point out a
real interesting thing to me.
1098
00:53:22,460 --> 00:53:23,591
He said, "Jeff, you
ever thought about it?
1099
00:53:23,635 --> 00:53:24,853
There's a lot of similarities
1100
00:53:24,897 --> 00:53:27,595
between gay guys
and married guys."
1101
00:53:27,639 --> 00:53:28,509
I said, "You think so?"
1102
00:53:28,553 --> 00:53:30,032
He said, "Well, think about it."
1103
00:53:30,076 --> 00:53:33,166
He said, "If you're a man
and you're sleeping in a bed
1104
00:53:33,210 --> 00:53:36,691
that has a dust ruffle
on it in seven pillows,
1105
00:53:37,562 --> 00:53:41,348
you're either gay or married.
1106
00:53:41,392 --> 00:53:44,264
[audience laughs]
1107
00:53:44,308 --> 00:53:47,528
[audience cheers]
1108
00:53:47,572 --> 00:53:50,270
If you're a man and you've
ever been antique shopping
1109
00:53:50,314 --> 00:53:53,055
during a big football game,
1110
00:53:53,099 --> 00:53:56,581
you're either gay or married.
1111
00:53:56,624 --> 00:53:59,236
If you're a man and
you cannot remember
1112
00:53:59,279 --> 00:54:02,064
the last time you
had sex with a woman,
1113
00:54:03,283 --> 00:54:05,285
You're either gay or married."
1114
00:54:06,504 --> 00:54:09,333
[audience cheers]
1115
00:54:14,990 --> 00:54:17,384
And getting back to
my original premise
1116
00:54:17,428 --> 00:54:19,647
about knowing that
you're part of a group,
1117
00:54:19,691 --> 00:54:20,909
I was reading this
thing the other day
1118
00:54:20,953 --> 00:54:21,997
and it was talking
about people being
1119
00:54:22,041 --> 00:54:23,564
part of the Oreo generation,
1120
00:54:23,608 --> 00:54:25,566
and what it was saying
was people that waited
1121
00:54:25,610 --> 00:54:28,308
until their mid thirties to
have kids, like my wife and I.
1122
00:54:28,352 --> 00:54:30,310
See, 'cause my parents got
married when they were like 20.
1123
00:54:30,354 --> 00:54:31,790
I was born nine
months to the day
1124
00:54:31,833 --> 00:54:33,748
after my parents were married.
1125
00:54:33,792 --> 00:54:36,925
Nine months to the day, that
must've been a ceremony.
1126
00:54:36,969 --> 00:54:38,405
"I do.
1127
00:54:38,449 --> 00:54:40,929
Could you turn around just
one minute there, Reverend?"
1128
00:54:40,973 --> 00:54:43,062
[audience laughs]
1129
00:54:43,105 --> 00:54:45,325
But the same people that
waited til their mid-thirties,
1130
00:54:45,369 --> 00:54:46,544
it said you're kind of an Oreo
1131
00:54:46,587 --> 00:54:47,936
because you're
raising your children
1132
00:54:47,980 --> 00:54:49,547
and you're also
raising your parents,
1133
00:54:49,590 --> 00:54:51,113
who, in their elderly age,
1134
00:54:51,157 --> 00:54:53,115
are kind of reverting
back to childhood.
1135
00:54:53,159 --> 00:54:54,769
And I told my wife, I said,
"You know what this means?
1136
00:54:54,813 --> 00:54:57,032
It means we've got two
that are out of diapers
1137
00:54:57,076 --> 00:54:59,600
and two that are
going into 'em."
1138
00:54:59,644 --> 00:55:01,167
And as bad as it was
with the little ones,
1139
00:55:01,210 --> 00:55:03,256
I can't imagine it's
gonna be any more fun
1140
00:55:03,300 --> 00:55:04,170
with the big ones.
1141
00:55:05,345 --> 00:55:06,520
I just don't want
to be sitting there,
1142
00:55:06,564 --> 00:55:08,479
watching football with
my father-in-law, going,
1143
00:55:10,045 --> 00:55:11,525
[audience laughs]
1144
00:55:11,569 --> 00:55:12,439
"Ed.
1145
00:55:13,484 --> 00:55:15,268
[audience laughs]
1146
00:55:15,312 --> 00:55:16,965
Don't you lie to me, Ed."
1147
00:55:18,663 --> 00:55:22,275
[audience applauds]
1148
00:55:22,319 --> 00:55:25,496
But there are
similarities between the
kids and the seniors.
1149
00:55:25,539 --> 00:55:26,758
I mean, they both have
1150
00:55:26,801 --> 00:55:30,022
their own special
menu at restaurants.
1151
00:55:30,065 --> 00:55:32,633
You've gotta worry about
both of them with drugs,
1152
00:55:32,677 --> 00:55:34,331
'cause it's not
just the teenager.
1153
00:55:34,374 --> 00:55:36,202
Seniors get ahold
of some good stuff.
1154
00:55:37,812 --> 00:55:39,379
The last time we
were at my in-laws,
1155
00:55:39,423 --> 00:55:42,034
I made the comment that my
sinuses were kind of stopped up,
1156
00:55:42,077 --> 00:55:43,514
and my mother-in-law said,
1157
00:55:43,557 --> 00:55:46,995
"Do you want to stop the
sniffles or not feel your head?"
1158
00:55:47,039 --> 00:55:49,868
[audience laughs]
1159
00:55:51,304 --> 00:55:53,654
She opens up her purse and
pulls out this little baggie
1160
00:55:53,698 --> 00:55:55,569
that looks like it's
full of Skittles
1161
00:55:56,527 --> 00:55:58,659
and grabs this tiny green pill,
1162
00:55:58,703 --> 00:56:02,097
and she said, "Say hello
to my little friend."
1163
00:56:02,141 --> 00:56:04,970
[audience laughs]
1164
00:56:07,407 --> 00:56:09,844
I took that pill, I
woke up two days later,
1165
00:56:09,888 --> 00:56:13,631
laying in the backyard,
talking to Elvis.
1166
00:56:13,674 --> 00:56:15,502
She's at the door,
going, "Get up, you baby.
1167
00:56:15,546 --> 00:56:18,766
I take four of those and
go to the grocery store."
1168
00:56:18,810 --> 00:56:21,639
[audience laughs]
1169
00:56:24,163 --> 00:56:26,078
You know, and the kids
don't listen to you,
1170
00:56:26,121 --> 00:56:28,123
and the seniors can't hear ya.
1171
00:56:29,298 --> 00:56:30,778
My mother-in-law
has a hearing aid
1172
00:56:30,822 --> 00:56:32,345
that she only wears
about half the time,
1173
00:56:32,389 --> 00:56:33,999
and you could always tell
when she's not wearing it,
1174
00:56:34,042 --> 00:56:37,219
because she talks louder than
any human being on the planet.
1175
00:56:37,263 --> 00:56:38,438
Four or five months ago,
1176
00:56:38,482 --> 00:56:40,135
we're in line at the
movie theater one night,
1177
00:56:40,179 --> 00:56:42,747
and they're with us,
and she says to me,
1178
00:56:42,790 --> 00:56:44,575
"Don't look now,
1179
00:56:45,750 --> 00:56:49,318
but the man behind us
is cross-eyed as a bat."
1180
00:56:49,362 --> 00:56:52,191
[audience laughs]
1181
00:56:57,892 --> 00:57:00,460
And one, you're
embarrassed to death,
1182
00:57:00,504 --> 00:57:04,508
and two, when somebody
says something like that,
1183
00:57:04,551 --> 00:57:06,292
you gotta look.
1184
00:57:06,335 --> 00:57:09,164
[audience laughs]
1185
00:57:14,256 --> 00:57:18,260
I turn around and this
guy is glaring at me.
1186
00:57:18,304 --> 00:57:19,740
Well, he may not have
been glaring at me,
1187
00:57:19,784 --> 00:57:21,742
but he was glaring at somebody.
1188
00:57:21,786 --> 00:57:23,222
This guy was mad.
1189
00:57:24,789 --> 00:57:27,618
[audience cheers]
1190
00:57:29,489 --> 00:57:31,099
You know, and the
kids wear their pants
1191
00:57:31,143 --> 00:57:32,405
falling off their butts,
1192
00:57:32,449 --> 00:57:35,364
and the seniors wear
'em up to their armpits.
1193
00:57:35,408 --> 00:57:39,064
My father-in-law got his chest
hair caught in his zipper.
1194
00:57:39,107 --> 00:57:41,936
[audience laughs]
1195
00:57:42,850 --> 00:57:44,286
And I look at all this,
1196
00:57:44,330 --> 00:57:46,985
and what makes me scared
is I know I'm next in line.
1197
00:57:48,465 --> 00:57:50,467
And let me tell you, I can
tell I'm getting older,
1198
00:57:50,510 --> 00:57:51,903
a lot of ways I can tell.
1199
00:57:51,946 --> 00:57:54,906
One, about a year ago,
somebody broke into my truck
1200
00:57:54,949 --> 00:57:57,909
and I keep a case in there
with like 24 CDs in it.
1201
00:57:57,952 --> 00:58:00,128
They stole three of them.
1202
00:58:00,172 --> 00:58:01,956
[audience laughs]
1203
00:58:02,000 --> 00:58:03,741
Thank God the Anne
Murray's still here.
1204
00:58:03,784 --> 00:58:04,959
Where's the "Best of Bread"?
1205
00:58:05,003 --> 00:58:07,396
Where's the "Best of Bread"?
1206
00:58:07,440 --> 00:58:09,355
[audience laughs]
1207
00:58:09,398 --> 00:58:12,489
Two, I have finally broke
down and got a recliner.
1208
00:58:12,532 --> 00:58:14,578
I used to always make fun
of my dad and his recliner.
1209
00:58:14,621 --> 00:58:18,320
I have a recliner
now, and I love it.
1210
00:58:18,364 --> 00:58:20,366
I used to travel the world
at a moment's notice.
1211
00:58:20,409 --> 00:58:23,238
I get in that recliner, I'm
not getting out of that thing.
1212
00:58:23,282 --> 00:58:24,936
I just wait on people to
walk through the house.
1213
00:58:24,979 --> 00:58:25,893
Hey!
1214
00:58:27,504 --> 00:58:29,462
Do me a favor and
make me a sandwich.
1215
00:58:31,072 --> 00:58:32,030
I think I smell smoke.
1216
00:58:32,073 --> 00:58:33,510
Is the house on fire?
1217
00:58:34,423 --> 00:58:35,424
[audience laughs]
1218
00:58:35,468 --> 00:58:37,078
Hey, if you see flames,
1219
00:58:37,122 --> 00:58:38,558
there's an extinguisher under
the sink in the kitchen there.
1220
00:58:40,038 --> 00:58:41,822
But the worst one, a
couple of weeks ago,
1221
00:58:41,866 --> 00:58:44,303
my wife and a few of her
friends were making jokes
1222
00:58:44,346 --> 00:58:47,698
and giggling about this
product called Astroglide.
1223
00:58:47,741 --> 00:58:50,135
It's this, apparently,
1224
00:58:50,178 --> 00:58:52,920
[audience cheers]
1225
00:58:52,964 --> 00:58:57,185
it is this lubricant that
they sell in the drug store
1226
00:58:57,229 --> 00:58:58,796
right next to the condominiums.
1227
00:58:59,666 --> 00:59:02,669
[audience laughs]
1228
00:59:02,713 --> 00:59:04,323
But it's supposed to
be really good stuff.
1229
00:59:04,366 --> 00:59:06,760
I mean, apparently you're
able to put it on a Cadillac
1230
00:59:06,804 --> 00:59:08,414
and get it in a dog house.
1231
00:59:08,457 --> 00:59:10,982
[audience laughs]
1232
00:59:11,025 --> 00:59:13,854
[audience cheers]
1233
00:59:17,597 --> 00:59:19,381
But as they're talking
about it, I swear to you,
1234
00:59:19,425 --> 00:59:21,949
my first thought was, I bet
I can put that on the poles
1235
00:59:21,993 --> 00:59:25,387
the bird feeders are on and
keep the squirrels off of 'em.
1236
00:59:25,431 --> 00:59:28,260
[audience laughs]
1237
00:59:29,478 --> 00:59:32,394
The squirrels are
driving me crazy.
1238
00:59:32,438 --> 00:59:34,396
If you come by my house at
five o'clock in the morning,
1239
00:59:34,440 --> 00:59:36,573
you will see me on the
back porch in my underwear
1240
00:59:36,616 --> 00:59:38,618
with night vision
goggles, holding a BB gun,
1241
00:59:38,662 --> 00:59:41,186
waiting on the squirrels.
1242
00:59:41,229 --> 00:59:44,885
[audience applauds]
1243
00:59:44,929 --> 00:59:48,323
Just embarrasses
my kids to death,
1244
00:59:48,367 --> 00:59:50,848
which is the way I believe
life is supposed to work.
1245
00:59:50,891 --> 00:59:52,893
The parents are supposed
to embarrass the kids,
1246
00:59:52,937 --> 00:59:55,983
and the kids are supposed
to embarrass the parents.
1247
00:59:56,027 --> 00:59:58,856
[audience cheers]
1248
01:00:01,032 --> 01:00:03,730
I embarrassed my kids so
bad in the last school year.
1249
01:00:03,774 --> 01:00:05,210
I have two daughters.
1250
01:00:05,253 --> 01:00:06,515
I live next door to my brother,
who has three daughters,
1251
01:00:06,559 --> 01:00:09,693
so almost every day, I
drive them to school.
1252
01:00:09,736 --> 01:00:12,086
And last year, while I was
driving them to school,
1253
01:00:12,130 --> 01:00:14,611
we ran out of gas
in the carpool lane,
1254
01:00:14,654 --> 01:00:16,917
because my wife does not
realize it's actually legal
1255
01:00:16,961 --> 01:00:19,224
for women to purchase gasoline.
1256
01:00:19,267 --> 01:00:21,661
[audience laughs]
1257
01:00:21,705 --> 01:00:23,271
But we run out of gas,
1258
01:00:23,315 --> 01:00:25,796
and people are honking the
horn and having to back up
1259
01:00:25,839 --> 01:00:27,580
and go around us, and the
kids are just mortified.
1260
01:00:27,624 --> 01:00:28,842
So, the next morning,
when I took them,
1261
01:00:28,886 --> 01:00:30,365
I made sure that the
tank was just as full
1262
01:00:30,409 --> 01:00:31,628
as it could possibly be,
1263
01:00:31,671 --> 01:00:32,933
and I pull up to the
front of the school,
1264
01:00:32,977 --> 01:00:34,413
and they have like
these assistant teachers
1265
01:00:34,456 --> 01:00:35,632
that help open the door.
1266
01:00:35,675 --> 01:00:36,894
And I'm not even
trying to be funny,
1267
01:00:36,937 --> 01:00:38,373
but as we pull up to the front,
1268
01:00:38,417 --> 01:00:40,462
I roll down the passenger
window and yell out,
1269
01:00:40,506 --> 01:00:43,378
"I've got gas this morning!"
1270
01:00:43,422 --> 01:00:44,684
[audience laughs]
1271
01:00:44,728 --> 01:00:47,382
And the kids are like,
"Oh, God, just go home.
1272
01:00:47,426 --> 01:00:48,906
Just go home."
1273
01:00:49,907 --> 01:00:52,866
[audience applauds]
1274
01:00:55,129 --> 01:00:57,349
But, see, then they turned
around and embarrassed me,
1275
01:00:57,392 --> 01:00:59,481
because they're
reaching this age where
1276
01:00:59,525 --> 01:01:01,353
I think they have
a natural curiosity
1277
01:01:01,396 --> 01:01:03,703
that's starting to develop,
and bless their hearts,
1278
01:01:03,747 --> 01:01:05,879
you know, they have no
brothers or boy cousins
1279
01:01:05,923 --> 01:01:08,316
to check out anything on.
1280
01:01:08,360 --> 01:01:10,971
But I can tell that
they're at this age,
1281
01:01:11,015 --> 01:01:12,625
because, y'all, when
I get in the shower,
1282
01:01:12,669 --> 01:01:15,019
there is nobody else
in that bathroom.
1283
01:01:15,062 --> 01:01:16,673
Now, when I get
out of the shower,
1284
01:01:16,716 --> 01:01:18,936
there are five little
girls just loitering.
1285
01:01:20,241 --> 01:01:23,767
[audience laughs]
1286
01:01:23,810 --> 01:01:25,029
So, finally I confront them.
1287
01:01:25,072 --> 01:01:28,162
I said, "Why are all of
you in this bathroom?"
1288
01:01:28,206 --> 01:01:29,598
And my youngest one,
who's really funny,
1289
01:01:29,642 --> 01:01:32,166
she said, "We're trying
to see a hoo-hoo."
1290
01:01:32,210 --> 01:01:34,691
[audience laughs]
1291
01:01:34,734 --> 01:01:35,866
I said, "Well,
I'm gonna tell you
1292
01:01:35,909 --> 01:01:38,825
all you need to
know about hoo-hoos.
1293
01:01:38,869 --> 01:01:42,699
Hoo-hoos are
extremely poisonous."
1294
01:01:42,742 --> 01:01:45,571
[audience laughs]
1295
01:01:47,225 --> 01:01:48,922
And without missing
a beat, she said,
1296
01:01:48,966 --> 01:01:52,186
"They are not, or the
dog would be dead."
1297
01:01:52,230 --> 01:01:55,712
[audience laughs]
1298
01:01:55,755 --> 01:01:58,715
[audience applauds]
1299
01:02:05,722 --> 01:02:08,028
I hate a smart kid, I swear.
1300
01:02:09,421 --> 01:02:10,857
But the cool thing
that's happened to me
1301
01:02:10,901 --> 01:02:12,554
from living with all these
women is, through the years,
1302
01:02:12,598 --> 01:02:14,905
I've learned a ton of
things about women.
1303
01:02:14,948 --> 01:02:17,211
And one of the things that
I've recently realized
1304
01:02:17,255 --> 01:02:20,867
is that men and women
both appreciate smells,
1305
01:02:20,911 --> 01:02:24,349
but we do not appreciate
the same kinds of smells.
1306
01:02:25,785 --> 01:02:30,355
Women apparently appreciate
pleasant smells, like flowers.
1307
01:02:31,530 --> 01:02:32,705
You give a woman a
bouquet of flowers,
1308
01:02:32,749 --> 01:02:33,619
they're like, [sniffs]
1309
01:02:33,662 --> 01:02:36,056
"Oh, that smells like heaven."
1310
01:02:36,100 --> 01:02:37,492
You give a man a
bouquet of flowers,
1311
01:02:37,536 --> 01:02:40,452
we're like, [sniffs]
"Smells like 50 bucks."
1312
01:02:41,322 --> 01:02:42,759
[audience laughs]
1313
01:02:42,802 --> 01:02:45,152
But women love flowers
and perfume and potpourri
1314
01:02:45,196 --> 01:02:48,460
and those scented candles.
1315
01:02:48,503 --> 01:02:53,334
You know, you just never see
men in a Wicks 'N' Sticks.
1316
01:02:53,378 --> 01:02:54,683
Hey, Jack!
1317
01:02:54,727 --> 01:02:58,165
[audience laughs]
1318
01:02:58,209 --> 01:02:58,992
Bayberry.
1319
01:03:01,952 --> 01:03:04,128
But women spend
billions of dollars
1320
01:03:04,171 --> 01:03:05,607
on things that smell good,
1321
01:03:05,651 --> 01:03:09,263
trying to cover up
things that smell bad,
1322
01:03:09,307 --> 01:03:11,570
and men spend billions
of dollars on things
1323
01:03:11,613 --> 01:03:13,920
that just smell bad.
1324
01:03:13,964 --> 01:03:17,315
You give me and my buddies a
bottle of doe in heat urine,
1325
01:03:17,358 --> 01:03:20,057
we can entertain
ourselves for the weekend.
1326
01:03:20,100 --> 01:03:21,536
[audience laughs]
1327
01:03:21,580 --> 01:03:24,061
[Jeff sniffs]
1328
01:03:26,846 --> 01:03:28,369
Your turn.
1329
01:03:28,413 --> 01:03:32,069
[audience applauds]
1330
01:03:32,112 --> 01:03:34,854
I used to have a little
spray bottle for mine,
1331
01:03:34,898 --> 01:03:36,943
but my wife took
it away from me,
1332
01:03:36,987 --> 01:03:39,467
because at last year's
family Christmas party,
1333
01:03:39,511 --> 01:03:44,298
somebody sprayed some on
her brother's pants leg,
1334
01:03:44,342 --> 01:03:47,519
and then our dog fell
in love with him.
1335
01:03:47,562 --> 01:03:48,825
[audience cheers]
1336
01:03:48,868 --> 01:03:50,391
And my wife said it was mean,
1337
01:03:50,435 --> 01:03:52,872
but everybody that's seen the
video just says it's funny,
1338
01:03:52,916 --> 01:03:56,136
so I'm going with funny.
1339
01:03:56,180 --> 01:03:58,095
[audience laughs]
1340
01:03:58,138 --> 01:04:00,967
But men have an appreciation
for unpleasant smells.
1341
01:04:01,011 --> 01:04:02,882
Like, you ever seen a
guy cleaning out a closet
1342
01:04:02,926 --> 01:04:05,232
and he'll find a gym bag
that he's forgotten about
1343
01:04:05,276 --> 01:04:06,538
for five or six months,
1344
01:04:06,581 --> 01:04:08,279
you know, with sweaty
workout clothes in it,
1345
01:04:08,322 --> 01:04:11,717
and he'll open it up and
like, "Oh, man! [gags]
1346
01:04:17,984 --> 01:04:19,725
Oh, that is the stinkiest thing
1347
01:04:19,768 --> 01:04:22,336
I've ever smelled in my life.
1348
01:04:22,380 --> 01:04:25,078
Charlie, come here
and smell this!"
1349
01:04:25,122 --> 01:04:28,125
[audience applauds]
1350
01:04:29,300 --> 01:04:32,216
And Charlie, having
heard all of that,
1351
01:04:32,259 --> 01:04:34,174
will get off the couch,
1352
01:04:34,218 --> 01:04:36,785
walk across the room,
and not only smell it,
1353
01:04:36,829 --> 01:04:41,181
I'm talking about,
[sniffs] "Oh, man!
1354
01:04:41,225 --> 01:04:44,402
That'd knock a buzzard
off a gut wagon.
1355
01:04:44,445 --> 01:04:47,013
Ralph, come here
and smell this!"
1356
01:04:48,188 --> 01:04:49,973
And my wife watches
this and she said,
1357
01:04:50,016 --> 01:04:53,324
"That is just barbaric."
1358
01:04:53,367 --> 01:04:54,803
And I said, "No, it's not.
1359
01:04:54,847 --> 01:04:58,459
You just don't understand
what's taking place."
1360
01:04:58,503 --> 01:05:00,157
I said, "Man number
two and three,
1361
01:05:00,200 --> 01:05:01,680
out of the goodness
of their heart,
1362
01:05:01,723 --> 01:05:05,814
are giving man number
one a courtesy sniff.
1363
01:05:05,858 --> 01:05:07,686
[audience laughs]
1364
01:05:07,729 --> 01:05:09,949
And from now on, man number one
1365
01:05:09,993 --> 01:05:14,258
owes man number two and three
a courtesy sniff in return.
1366
01:05:14,301 --> 01:05:16,347
And man number two and
three are banking on,
1367
01:05:16,390 --> 01:05:19,306
somewhere down road, they'll
come up with something stinkier
1368
01:05:19,350 --> 01:05:21,830
than what man number
one has right now."
1369
01:05:24,007 --> 01:05:26,052
You ever seen a car
sitting at a red light,
1370
01:05:26,096 --> 01:05:29,142
and there's like five guys
in it, and all of a sudden,
1371
01:05:29,186 --> 01:05:30,622
all four windows go down,
1372
01:05:30,665 --> 01:05:32,406
and there's four guys
hanging out of the car,
1373
01:05:32,450 --> 01:05:34,713
just cussin' like crazy?
1374
01:05:36,106 --> 01:05:38,412
And there's one guy sitting
in the middle in the back,
1375
01:05:38,456 --> 01:05:42,851
just laughing?
[audience applauds]
1376
01:05:42,895 --> 01:05:45,115
You know why he's laughing?
1377
01:05:45,158 --> 01:05:47,987
[audience cheers]
1378
01:05:49,467 --> 01:05:51,730
He's cashed in his
courtesy sniff.
1379
01:05:53,427 --> 01:05:55,777
And the only thing that
could make him happier
1380
01:05:55,821 --> 01:05:59,129
was had he been driving and had
control of the window locks.
1381
01:06:00,130 --> 01:06:01,000
You guys have been awesome.
1382
01:06:01,044 --> 01:06:02,610
Thanks for listening.
1383
01:06:02,654 --> 01:06:05,483
[audience cheers]
1384
01:06:07,528 --> 01:06:08,529
Thank y'all.
1385
01:06:11,489 --> 01:06:13,143
Thank you very much.
1386
01:06:16,059 --> 01:06:17,234
Thanks, y'all.
1387
01:06:19,018 --> 01:06:21,151
Thank you, thank you.
1388
01:06:21,194 --> 01:06:24,023
[audience cheers]
1389
01:06:31,726 --> 01:06:32,901
Thanks, y'all.
1390
01:06:43,434 --> 01:06:46,350
All right, y'all, we have
reached the portion of the show
1391
01:06:46,393 --> 01:06:47,916
where we're gonna
make you feel better
1392
01:06:47,960 --> 01:06:49,179
about your own family.
1393
01:06:49,222 --> 01:06:52,138
Please welcome
Larry the Cable Guy.
1394
01:06:52,182 --> 01:06:54,271
[audience cheers]
1395
01:06:54,314 --> 01:06:56,925
[upbeat music]
1396
01:07:08,502 --> 01:07:10,504
- All right, Git-R-Done!
1397
01:07:14,117 --> 01:07:16,815
All right, thank you, thank you.
1398
01:07:18,904 --> 01:07:22,081
Appreciate it, you like that
little dance right there?
1399
01:07:22,125 --> 01:07:23,517
[audience cheers]
1400
01:07:23,561 --> 01:07:25,867
Yeah, had to get my
underwear out of my crack.
1401
01:07:26,912 --> 01:07:28,435
Good Lord, good to see ya.
1402
01:07:28,479 --> 01:07:30,046
I'm happier than Rosie O'Donnell
1403
01:07:30,089 --> 01:07:32,135
at a buffet of Little
Debbie Oatmeal Cremes.
1404
01:07:32,178 --> 01:07:33,571
I tell you what, boy.
1405
01:07:34,702 --> 01:07:35,529
Git-R-Done.
1406
01:07:36,574 --> 01:07:37,662
That's right.
1407
01:07:38,706 --> 01:07:39,881
I'm gonna tell you right off,
1408
01:07:39,925 --> 01:07:41,666
I'm walking a little
limpy tonight.
1409
01:07:41,709 --> 01:07:44,321
I had a vasectomy done
at Sears last week.
1410
01:07:46,149 --> 01:07:49,369
Now, every time I get excited,
the garage door goes up,
1411
01:07:49,413 --> 01:07:52,503
so that ain't good.
1412
01:07:52,546 --> 01:07:53,808
Almost broke it off the hinges
1413
01:07:53,852 --> 01:07:54,940
watching Britney
Spears last week.
1414
01:07:54,983 --> 01:07:57,725
Up, down, up, down, up, down.
1415
01:07:57,769 --> 01:07:59,075
Good Lord.
1416
01:07:59,118 --> 01:08:01,686
Did you know Britney
Spears hurt her leg
1417
01:08:01,729 --> 01:08:03,122
and had to cancel some dates?
1418
01:08:03,166 --> 01:08:05,124
But they said with the
proper rehabilitation,
1419
01:08:05,168 --> 01:08:08,301
she should be back on her
knees in no time, so that's.
1420
01:08:08,345 --> 01:08:10,390
[audience cheers]
1421
01:08:10,434 --> 01:08:11,261
All right.
1422
01:08:13,654 --> 01:08:15,613
That's funny. [chuckles]
1423
01:08:15,656 --> 01:08:18,833
I don't care who you are,
that's funny right there, now.
1424
01:08:18,877 --> 01:08:20,226
[audience cheers]
1425
01:08:20,270 --> 01:08:21,488
I'm gonna tell you this story.
1426
01:08:21,532 --> 01:08:23,925
I was driving down the
road the other day,
1427
01:08:23,969 --> 01:08:25,884
and I get pulled over
and the police man says,
1428
01:08:25,927 --> 01:08:26,841
"You been drinking?"
1429
01:08:26,885 --> 01:08:28,104
I'm like, "No, why?
1430
01:08:28,147 --> 01:08:30,062
Is there a fat girl
in my back seat?"
1431
01:08:30,106 --> 01:08:33,587
[audience laughs]
1432
01:08:33,631 --> 01:08:34,458
Good Lord.
1433
01:08:35,633 --> 01:08:36,895
My God, there's two of them.
1434
01:08:36,938 --> 01:08:39,419
I guess I was drinking.
1435
01:08:39,463 --> 01:08:42,509
Good Lord.
1436
01:08:42,553 --> 01:08:45,425
Don't you hate it when
you get so dadgum drunk
1437
01:08:45,469 --> 01:08:47,035
you look in your
pocket the next day
1438
01:08:47,079 --> 01:08:48,994
and there's some girl's
number in there with a name,
1439
01:08:49,037 --> 01:08:50,735
and you don't know
nothing about it?
1440
01:08:50,778 --> 01:08:53,346
So, you call her up and
you get this, "Hello?"
1441
01:08:55,566 --> 01:08:56,784
"Yeah, Debbie there?"
1442
01:08:56,828 --> 01:08:58,264
"This is Debbie."
1443
01:08:58,308 --> 01:08:59,831
[audience laughs]
1444
01:08:59,874 --> 01:09:01,833
I ain't drinkin' no more,
that's ridiculous right there.
1445
01:09:03,313 --> 01:09:04,836
I ain't drinkin'.
1446
01:09:06,925 --> 01:09:08,448
What I'm gonna tell you
is I was driving down
1447
01:09:08,492 --> 01:09:11,495
to see a buddy of mine in
Tulsa, Oklahoma, not long ago.
1448
01:09:11,538 --> 01:09:14,715
That's right, you know what
Tulsa spelled backward is?
1449
01:09:14,759 --> 01:09:16,195
A slut.
1450
01:09:16,239 --> 01:09:17,979
[audience laughs]
1451
01:09:18,023 --> 01:09:20,765
You know what a
slut backward is?
1452
01:09:20,808 --> 01:09:23,376
$100. [laughs]
1453
01:09:23,420 --> 01:09:25,291
Git-R-Done, that's funny.
1454
01:09:25,335 --> 01:09:26,988
[audience cheers]
1455
01:09:27,032 --> 01:09:29,252
All right, but I'm
gonna tell you,
1456
01:09:29,295 --> 01:09:32,298
I was driving down there and
I had one of them renty-cars
1457
01:09:32,342 --> 01:09:34,996
that had a voice
activated radio,
1458
01:09:35,040 --> 01:09:37,173
like you wanna hear
country music, say country,
1459
01:09:37,216 --> 01:09:38,739
country'd come on.
1460
01:09:38,783 --> 01:09:39,653
You want to hear rock and
roll, rock and roll'd come on.
1461
01:09:39,697 --> 01:09:41,046
I wanted to hear country music,
1462
01:09:41,089 --> 01:09:43,657
and I was about to say country
and some car cut me off
1463
01:09:43,701 --> 01:09:45,746
and I said, "You stupid moron,"
1464
01:09:45,790 --> 01:09:49,097
and Dr. Laura come on
the radio on there.
1465
01:09:50,273 --> 01:09:52,231
That ain't right,
don't laugh at that.
1466
01:09:52,275 --> 01:09:54,581
Lord, I apologize
for that there.
1467
01:09:54,625 --> 01:09:56,148
Be with the pygmies, amen.
1468
01:09:57,584 --> 01:09:59,891
But I was going down there
to see my buddy down there,
1469
01:09:59,934 --> 01:10:02,154
ad I stopped at the
Hooters when I was down.
1470
01:10:02,198 --> 01:10:05,331
Have you seen the shorts on
them girls at the Hooters?
1471
01:10:05,375 --> 01:10:07,159
[audience cheers]
1472
01:10:07,203 --> 01:10:08,595
Good Lord.
1473
01:10:08,639 --> 01:10:10,075
Tell you what, if
they get any shorter,
1474
01:10:10,118 --> 01:10:12,382
the FDA is gonna start
making 'em wear hair nets.
1475
01:10:12,425 --> 01:10:15,820
I tell you that much,
'cause that's ridiculous.
1476
01:10:15,863 --> 01:10:17,430
Good Lord.
1477
01:10:17,474 --> 01:10:19,650
Need to go to
church or something.
1478
01:10:20,912 --> 01:10:21,913
If you don't think that's funny,
1479
01:10:21,956 --> 01:10:23,262
you get the hell out of here,
1480
01:10:23,306 --> 01:10:26,047
'cause that's a funny
joke right there.
1481
01:10:26,091 --> 01:10:27,658
That's a funny joke.
1482
01:10:27,701 --> 01:10:29,616
That's funnier than watching
midgets run track right there.
1483
01:10:29,660 --> 01:10:32,576
I tell ya, that's a funny joke.
1484
01:10:32,619 --> 01:10:34,273
So, I get down to see my buddy,
1485
01:10:34,317 --> 01:10:37,102
and I was at his house and he
was fighting with his nephew.
1486
01:10:37,145 --> 01:10:39,060
I guess his nephew
got in some trouble.
1487
01:10:39,104 --> 01:10:42,194
He's in 10th grade and he
had sex with his teacher.
1488
01:10:42,238 --> 01:10:44,718
And I was like, hey, that's
mighty cool, you know?
1489
01:10:44,762 --> 01:10:47,243
But the bad part is
he's homeschooled.
1490
01:10:47,286 --> 01:10:48,766
[audience laughs]
1491
01:10:48,809 --> 01:10:50,681
You know, so, that ain't good.
1492
01:10:50,724 --> 01:10:52,291
That ain't good at all.
1493
01:10:52,335 --> 01:10:55,163
I know, that ain't good.
1494
01:10:55,207 --> 01:10:56,687
That ain't right.
1495
01:10:56,730 --> 01:10:58,863
Lord, I apologize
for that there,
1496
01:10:58,906 --> 01:11:01,431
and be with the pygmies
in New Guinea, amen.
1497
01:11:02,432 --> 01:11:03,955
[audience cheers]
1498
01:11:03,998 --> 01:11:06,349
But my buddy lives in a real
bad neighborhood down there,
1499
01:11:06,392 --> 01:11:08,351
and we was watching
TV and he said,
1500
01:11:08,394 --> 01:11:10,178
you want to watch "Cops"?
1501
01:11:10,222 --> 01:11:12,964
I said yeah, so we went out
and sat on the front porch.
1502
01:11:14,618 --> 01:11:16,924
And it was a repeat,
figure that out.
1503
01:11:16,968 --> 01:11:19,013
[audience applauds]
1504
01:11:19,057 --> 01:11:20,363
We was down there
a couple of days,
1505
01:11:20,406 --> 01:11:22,060
went to a strip club down there,
1506
01:11:22,103 --> 01:11:25,324
and this girl, yeah,
this girl got mad at me,
1507
01:11:25,368 --> 01:11:28,719
and I tipped her
with Monopoly money,
1508
01:11:28,762 --> 01:11:31,417
and she goes,
"That's fake money."
1509
01:11:31,461 --> 01:11:33,941
I'm like, "Those
are fake titties."
1510
01:11:33,985 --> 01:11:36,074
[audience laughs]
1511
01:11:36,117 --> 01:11:40,252
But I like to keep it dank
a little bit, you know?
1512
01:11:40,296 --> 01:11:41,775
That's ridiculous.
1513
01:11:45,039 --> 01:11:48,956
I got kind of worried
when I was down there,
1514
01:11:49,000 --> 01:11:50,349
'cause the whole time
I was down there,
1515
01:11:50,393 --> 01:11:52,003
I was talking on the cell phone,
1516
01:11:52,046 --> 01:11:54,005
one of them
cellularized telephones.
1517
01:11:55,920 --> 01:11:57,487
But I got kind of scared,
1518
01:11:57,530 --> 01:11:59,706
'cause I was reading in
the paper the other day,
1519
01:11:59,750 --> 01:12:01,795
'cause my neighbor got up late.
1520
01:12:01,839 --> 01:12:04,668
[audience laughs]
1521
01:12:05,843 --> 01:12:10,630
It said if you talk a
lot on them cell phones,
1522
01:12:11,675 --> 01:12:13,938
it could put microwaves
into your body,
1523
01:12:13,981 --> 01:12:15,200
and I think that's true,
1524
01:12:15,243 --> 01:12:16,810
'cause I was talking on
it the whole weekend,
1525
01:12:16,854 --> 01:12:19,378
went home and
pooped a Hot Pocket.
1526
01:12:19,422 --> 01:12:21,162
[audience laughs]
1527
01:12:21,206 --> 01:12:23,687
So, there's something to that.
1528
01:12:28,605 --> 01:12:30,650
Is this the dumbest part
of the show right here?
1529
01:12:30,694 --> 01:12:32,130
It's got to be close, too.
1530
01:12:33,871 --> 01:12:36,482
But I got upset when
the cell phone people
1531
01:12:36,526 --> 01:12:39,137
started sponsoring the NASCAR,
'cause I'm a traditional.
1532
01:12:39,180 --> 01:12:42,270
I like Winston, that's
what I like right there.
1533
01:12:42,314 --> 01:12:44,838
[audience cheers]
1534
01:12:44,882 --> 01:12:47,188
You know, it pissed off
a lot of my relatives.
1535
01:12:47,232 --> 01:12:49,190
My grandpa, when he found
out it wasn't Winston,
1536
01:12:49,234 --> 01:12:50,409
he was like, "You
mean to tell me
1537
01:12:50,453 --> 01:12:52,280
they ain't gonna use the
Winston Cup no more?"
1538
01:12:53,412 --> 01:12:54,674
[audience applauds]
1539
01:12:54,718 --> 01:12:56,763
I mean, it was something.
1540
01:12:58,983 --> 01:13:02,552
Lord, I apologize for that
there, and be with the pygmies.
1541
01:13:02,595 --> 01:13:03,422
Amen.
1542
01:13:05,119 --> 01:13:07,687
No, but I told you last
time we got together,
1543
01:13:07,731 --> 01:13:09,689
I always thought
Stayfree Mini Pads
1544
01:13:09,733 --> 01:13:12,431
oughta do NASCAR sponsorship.
1545
01:13:12,475 --> 01:13:15,478
I just thought the announcing
would be pretty cool.
1546
01:13:15,521 --> 01:13:18,611
It's a beautiful Summer's
Eve here at the track.
1547
01:13:18,655 --> 01:13:19,830
[audience laughs]
1548
01:13:19,873 --> 01:13:22,180
The KY Jelly car
has just accelerated
1549
01:13:23,311 --> 01:13:26,271
and easily slipped into
the number two hole.
1550
01:13:26,314 --> 01:13:29,448
[audience cheers]
1551
01:13:29,492 --> 01:13:30,362
Git-R-Done.
1552
01:13:35,106 --> 01:13:35,933
Oh, Lord.
1553
01:13:37,674 --> 01:13:39,545
The Vagisil car has been itching
1554
01:13:39,589 --> 01:13:41,808
and burning rubber
all season out there
1555
01:13:43,027 --> 01:13:45,246
and is number one in
the Busch standings.
1556
01:13:45,290 --> 01:13:47,423
[audience laughs]
1557
01:13:47,466 --> 01:13:49,425
All right, that's right.
1558
01:13:50,774 --> 01:13:53,211
But I like cars and
driving fast and all that.
1559
01:13:53,254 --> 01:13:54,995
When I get places,
I usually drive,
1560
01:13:55,039 --> 01:13:56,562
'cause I don't
fly the airplanes.
1561
01:13:56,606 --> 01:13:58,129
I'm scared of them,
1562
01:13:58,172 --> 01:14:01,001
and whatever happened to good
lookin' flight attendants?
1563
01:14:01,045 --> 01:14:03,482
Good Lord, I had the Oak
Ridge Boys with titties
1564
01:14:03,526 --> 01:14:04,831
on this one airplane I was on.
1565
01:14:05,789 --> 01:14:07,181
They were ugly, I'll tell you,
1566
01:14:07,225 --> 01:14:08,400
and I looked right
at that one girl,
1567
01:14:08,444 --> 01:14:10,663
my wiener went in and
out my butt crack.
1568
01:14:10,707 --> 01:14:12,056
I mean, that's how ugly.
1569
01:14:13,057 --> 01:14:14,754
That's a true story right there.
1570
01:14:14,798 --> 01:14:16,539
I ain't making that up.
1571
01:14:16,582 --> 01:14:18,889
I seen her, my wiener
come out, went like that,
1572
01:14:18,932 --> 01:14:21,108
turned around [blows
raspberry] shot
1573
01:14:21,152 --> 01:14:22,893
right out my dadgum
hind end there.
1574
01:14:24,721 --> 01:14:27,332
And that's documented
right there.
1575
01:14:28,812 --> 01:14:30,988
You know you're ugly when
you're making fellers
1576
01:14:31,031 --> 01:14:33,991
poop their own wiener,
you know what I mean?
1577
01:14:34,034 --> 01:14:37,298
That's Glamour Shots
right there or something.
1578
01:14:37,342 --> 01:14:40,171
[audience laughs]
1579
01:14:42,216 --> 01:14:44,175
I float on an airplane one time,
1580
01:14:44,218 --> 01:14:45,872
'cause I had to
go see my grandma.
1581
01:14:45,916 --> 01:14:47,439
She was having some trouble,
1582
01:14:47,483 --> 01:14:51,051
and they thought, she thought
she was getting lip cancer
1583
01:14:51,095 --> 01:14:52,792
from secondhand chew.
1584
01:14:52,836 --> 01:14:55,360
[audience laughs]
1585
01:14:55,403 --> 01:14:58,145
And we had to go
take care of that.
1586
01:14:59,538 --> 01:15:00,713
I tried to make her feel better.
1587
01:15:00,757 --> 01:15:02,976
Her air conditioner
went out in her trailer,
1588
01:15:03,020 --> 01:15:04,978
so she wanted some fans up,
1589
01:15:05,022 --> 01:15:08,416
so I put seven ceiling
fans up in her single wide.
1590
01:15:08,460 --> 01:15:12,595
And I think it was too many.
1591
01:15:12,638 --> 01:15:15,293
She turned them all on
Wednesday and her roof took off,
1592
01:15:15,336 --> 01:15:17,991
so that wasn't a good thing.
1593
01:15:18,035 --> 01:15:21,038
But the one thing my grandma
does do that irritates me,
1594
01:15:21,081 --> 01:15:23,388
she gets the walkin'
farts, you know?
1595
01:15:24,694 --> 01:15:27,218
Every step she takes,
something come out, you know?
1596
01:15:27,261 --> 01:15:29,873
[Larry imitates farts]
1597
01:15:29,916 --> 01:15:31,962
But it's horrible.
1598
01:15:32,005 --> 01:15:34,617
But the worst part is she
gets the walkin' farts
1599
01:15:34,660 --> 01:15:35,966
at the flea market.
1600
01:15:37,489 --> 01:15:39,578
And that's bad, 'cause when
she's at the flea market,
1601
01:15:39,622 --> 01:15:41,537
she wears them Spandex drawers,
1602
01:15:42,886 --> 01:15:45,541
so now it can't escape
nowhere, you know what I mean?
1603
01:15:45,584 --> 01:15:48,195
And she let out a walking
fart in them Spandex drawers.
1604
01:15:48,239 --> 01:15:50,763
Looked like a mouse run
down inside of her pant leg
1605
01:15:50,807 --> 01:15:52,591
right there like that.
1606
01:15:52,635 --> 01:15:53,810
[audience laughs]
1607
01:15:53,853 --> 01:15:56,073
Good Lord, yeah.
1608
01:15:56,116 --> 01:15:59,380
And then, it starts
to form a big ball
1609
01:15:59,424 --> 01:16:02,079
in the back of her britches,
'cause it can't escape.
1610
01:16:02,122 --> 01:16:04,734
It looks like she stole
a cabbage or something,
1611
01:16:06,126 --> 01:16:08,085
and the feller running
the cabbage stand in there
1612
01:16:08,128 --> 01:16:10,217
thought she was
stealing cabbages.
1613
01:16:10,261 --> 01:16:11,697
So he goes, "You're
stealing cabbages."
1614
01:16:11,741 --> 01:16:13,612
He went to rip
her britches down,
1615
01:16:13,656 --> 01:16:17,050
I'm hauling ass about
this time, you know?
1616
01:16:17,094 --> 01:16:20,227
I know Hiroshima fittin' to hit
up there at the flea market.
1617
01:16:21,446 --> 01:16:24,536
When he ripped them
down, good Lord,
1618
01:16:24,580 --> 01:16:27,626
that sounded like a big rig
letting out the brake pressure.
1619
01:16:27,670 --> 01:16:29,062
[audience laughs]
1620
01:16:29,106 --> 01:16:30,890
He ripped them down,
and it [blows].
1621
01:16:34,459 --> 01:16:35,591
What the hell?
1622
01:16:36,896 --> 01:16:38,376
Critters running around.
1623
01:16:39,638 --> 01:16:41,858
Critters running around
with no fur on 'em
1624
01:16:41,901 --> 01:16:44,382
and people melted to the walls
1625
01:16:44,425 --> 01:16:46,036
and grandpa's pissed.
1626
01:16:46,079 --> 01:16:47,646
He's like, "You wanna get
out of the flea market
1627
01:16:47,690 --> 01:16:48,647
before you kill everybody
in here, it's ridiculous."
1628
01:16:50,954 --> 01:16:53,783
[audience laughs]
1629
01:16:54,958 --> 01:16:57,525
I tell you what, I got
a strange dadgum family,
1630
01:16:57,569 --> 01:16:58,396
that's for sure.
1631
01:16:59,310 --> 01:17:02,182
My aunt, she's a big ol' woman,
1632
01:17:02,226 --> 01:17:03,619
and she good lookin', though.
1633
01:17:03,662 --> 01:17:06,970
She's 370 pounds,
but she good lookin'.
1634
01:17:07,013 --> 01:17:09,581
She's a runway model
out at the airport.
1635
01:17:09,625 --> 01:17:12,453
[audience laughs]
1636
01:17:13,672 --> 01:17:16,806
But she, what she is
is a hypochondriac.
1637
01:17:16,849 --> 01:17:18,634
She always thinks there's
something wrong with her,
1638
01:17:18,677 --> 01:17:20,374
cancer, tumors, whatever.
1639
01:17:21,811 --> 01:17:23,726
But we were sitting on the
couch having a nice time
1640
01:17:23,769 --> 01:17:26,772
watching the TV, and she'd do
this about every five seconds.
1641
01:17:26,816 --> 01:17:27,643
She'd go.
1642
01:17:28,731 --> 01:17:29,819
[audience laughs]
1643
01:17:29,862 --> 01:17:31,211
It's irritating me.
1644
01:17:32,648 --> 01:17:34,084
And I'm like, "What in
the world are you doing?"
1645
01:17:34,127 --> 01:17:37,043
She goes, "I think I got
a tumor in my butt crack."
1646
01:17:37,087 --> 01:17:38,566
[audience laughs]
1647
01:17:38,610 --> 01:17:41,787
"You don't get tumors
in your butt crack.
1648
01:17:41,831 --> 01:17:44,485
You're a hypochondriac,
for God's sake."
1649
01:17:44,529 --> 01:17:47,532
She goes, "No, there's a little
lump up in there somewhere."
1650
01:17:48,533 --> 01:17:49,708
She said, "Look up in there.
1651
01:17:49,752 --> 01:17:51,710
See if you see a
little lump up in."
1652
01:17:51,754 --> 01:17:53,930
"I'm not looking up
in your butt crack
1653
01:17:53,973 --> 01:17:55,453
for a tumor on a Sunday.
1654
01:17:56,846 --> 01:17:58,499
Go to the doctor."
1655
01:17:58,543 --> 01:17:59,500
She went to the doctor.
1656
01:17:59,544 --> 01:18:00,719
You know what it was?
1657
01:18:00,763 --> 01:18:01,589
A Milk Dud.
1658
01:18:04,027 --> 01:18:05,768
You believe that?
1659
01:18:06,943 --> 01:18:09,510
She sat on it watching
"Walker, Texas Ranger".
1660
01:18:09,554 --> 01:18:13,079
[audience laughs]
1661
01:18:13,123 --> 01:18:16,735
My family's something else.
1662
01:18:16,779 --> 01:18:18,868
I got, my little brother
was over at the house
1663
01:18:18,911 --> 01:18:20,739
the other day, I ain't
never told you about him.
1664
01:18:20,783 --> 01:18:21,958
He was born deaf.
1665
01:18:22,001 --> 01:18:23,481
His whole life, he's been deaf,
1666
01:18:23,524 --> 01:18:25,962
but he's real good
with the sign language,
1667
01:18:26,876 --> 01:18:28,268
but he's got Tourette's, too,
1668
01:18:28,312 --> 01:18:30,749
so he's kinda like
that, you know?
1669
01:18:30,793 --> 01:18:33,273
[audience laughs]
1670
01:18:33,317 --> 01:18:36,712
[audience applauds]
1671
01:18:36,755 --> 01:18:38,801
Yeah, that's not good.
1672
01:18:38,844 --> 01:18:40,019
It's not good.
1673
01:18:41,194 --> 01:18:43,762
But my momma talks
to him all the time
1674
01:18:43,806 --> 01:18:45,242
with the sign language.
1675
01:18:45,285 --> 01:18:46,634
I tried to learn how to do it,
1676
01:18:46,678 --> 01:18:49,028
but I can't get a finger
in edge wise, you know,
1677
01:18:49,072 --> 01:18:51,552
and these people.
[audience laughs]
1678
01:18:51,596 --> 01:18:52,771
But he's pretty talented.
1679
01:18:52,815 --> 01:18:54,947
He's a song writer, and
he got a song out now
1680
01:18:54,991 --> 01:18:55,861
you might wanna hear.
1681
01:18:55,905 --> 01:18:56,644
It's called [mocks deaf speak].
1682
01:18:58,821 --> 01:19:01,214
Lord, I apologize
for that there,
1683
01:19:01,258 --> 01:19:04,740
and be with the starving
pygmies in New Guinea, amen.
1684
01:19:04,783 --> 01:19:06,872
[audience cheers]
1685
01:19:06,916 --> 01:19:07,830
Git-R-Done.
1686
01:19:09,266 --> 01:19:10,093
All right.
1687
01:19:12,138 --> 01:19:14,184
I got another
sister, had a baby,
1688
01:19:14,227 --> 01:19:16,621
and she was in
labor for 38 hours,
1689
01:19:16,664 --> 01:19:17,840
which is ridiculous.
1690
01:19:17,883 --> 01:19:20,103
I give up on a poop
after 20 minutes.
1691
01:19:20,146 --> 01:19:22,235
[audience laughs]
1692
01:19:22,279 --> 01:19:25,238
You know, she had that,
but she's a good sister.
1693
01:19:25,282 --> 01:19:29,242
She come to see my program two
days after she had that kid,
1694
01:19:29,286 --> 01:19:30,809
by God, and I made
her laugh so hard
1695
01:19:30,853 --> 01:19:32,115
milk shot out of her nipples.
1696
01:19:32,158 --> 01:19:33,638
I tell you what, geeze.
1697
01:19:35,118 --> 01:19:36,597
She's a good girl.
1698
01:19:36,641 --> 01:19:37,816
I love her to death.
1699
01:19:40,210 --> 01:19:44,301
My brother just celebrated
the second, Git-R-Done.
1700
01:19:44,344 --> 01:19:46,477
[audience cheers]
1701
01:19:46,520 --> 01:19:48,261
That's right, by God.
1702
01:19:50,916 --> 01:19:53,266
Appreciate it, I'll
see ya at the house.
1703
01:19:54,877 --> 01:19:58,750
My brother just celebrated his
second wedding anniversary,
1704
01:19:58,794 --> 01:20:00,230
and they was gonna celebrate.
1705
01:20:00,273 --> 01:20:03,276
He wanted to have sex and
she wanted to go to Outback
1706
01:20:03,320 --> 01:20:04,800
and my grandma wanted
to go to church
1707
01:20:04,843 --> 01:20:07,106
and have 'em rededicate
the wedding vows,
1708
01:20:07,150 --> 01:20:08,412
so they all compromised
1709
01:20:08,455 --> 01:20:10,806
and they had sex out
back of the church.
1710
01:20:10,849 --> 01:20:13,678
[audience laughs]
1711
01:20:18,901 --> 01:20:20,946
I was gonna get
married one time.
1712
01:20:20,990 --> 01:20:23,296
You know, it's hard
finding the right person.
1713
01:20:23,340 --> 01:20:25,298
I was living with a girl
for about eight months,
1714
01:20:25,342 --> 01:20:27,561
until she found out I was there.
1715
01:20:27,605 --> 01:20:28,824
[audience laughs]
1716
01:20:28,867 --> 01:20:31,000
That didn't work too good.
1717
01:20:32,001 --> 01:20:32,828
It didn't.
1718
01:20:34,264 --> 01:20:36,266
But there was another girl
that I was in love with,
1719
01:20:36,309 --> 01:20:37,833
and we was gonna get married,
1720
01:20:37,876 --> 01:20:39,530
but she wasn't
gonna take my name,
1721
01:20:39,573 --> 01:20:41,053
so I broke that
relationship off,
1722
01:20:41,097 --> 01:20:42,576
'cause I'm a traditionalist.
1723
01:20:42,620 --> 01:20:44,448
I think they oughta
take the name.
1724
01:20:44,491 --> 01:20:46,711
Plus, I thought it'd be
cool, both of us named Larry.
1725
01:20:46,754 --> 01:20:49,235
You know, I thought
that'd be nice.
1726
01:20:49,279 --> 01:20:52,760
You know, but didn't
work out too good.
1727
01:20:54,371 --> 01:20:55,676
She always irritated me.
1728
01:20:55,720 --> 01:20:56,895
I don't know why women do this,
1729
01:20:56,939 --> 01:20:58,157
and she did this all the time.
1730
01:20:58,201 --> 01:21:00,203
She used to stack stuff
in the medicine cabinet,
1731
01:21:00,246 --> 01:21:03,249
and then you open it up and
stuff would fly out at you.
1732
01:21:03,293 --> 01:21:05,469
You know, they had them
cotton balls in there,
1733
01:21:05,512 --> 01:21:08,515
serves as like a spring
action device or something.
1734
01:21:08,559 --> 01:21:10,169
Well, she was walking
around the house one day,
1735
01:21:10,213 --> 01:21:11,605
she's mad at me, yelling at me,
1736
01:21:11,649 --> 01:21:13,694
I don't know, she had
cramps or something,
1737
01:21:13,738 --> 01:21:17,002
but I opened the door up
to the medicine cabinet
1738
01:21:17,046 --> 01:21:21,485
and the dadgum tampon flowed
out, hit in the eyeball,
1739
01:21:21,528 --> 01:21:23,139
landed in the toilet,
1740
01:21:23,182 --> 01:21:25,445
and the minute it hit
that water in the toilet,
1741
01:21:25,489 --> 01:21:27,578
went [imitates explosion].
1742
01:21:27,621 --> 01:21:28,796
[audience laughs]
1743
01:21:28,840 --> 01:21:30,276
I'm like, good Lord,
1744
01:21:30,320 --> 01:21:33,149
that's where the cramps are
coming from, right there.
1745
01:21:33,192 --> 01:21:36,021
[audience applauds]
1746
01:21:36,065 --> 01:21:37,544
Look at that.
1747
01:21:37,588 --> 01:21:40,156
[audience cheers]
1748
01:21:40,199 --> 01:21:43,333
You see the size of
that thing right there?
1749
01:21:43,376 --> 01:21:44,943
You need to buy a smaller size.
1750
01:21:46,075 --> 01:21:47,772
No wonder I can't satisfy you.
1751
01:21:47,815 --> 01:21:49,905
Look at that thing in there.
1752
01:21:49,948 --> 01:21:51,428
That thing's huge.
1753
01:21:52,255 --> 01:21:53,560
Thing is huge in there.
1754
01:21:55,432 --> 01:21:56,215
Unbelievable,
1755
01:21:57,434 --> 01:21:59,131
the size of that
thing right there.
1756
01:21:59,175 --> 01:22:02,961
But we was at the dadgum
store the other day,
1757
01:22:03,005 --> 01:22:05,659
and they had these
little shorty shorts,
1758
01:22:05,703 --> 01:22:07,052
and I can't wear
little shorty shorts.
1759
01:22:07,096 --> 01:22:10,360
I ain't in very good shape,
you know what I mean?
1760
01:22:10,403 --> 01:22:14,233
I used to be a lifeguard, til
some blue kid got me fired.
1761
01:22:14,277 --> 01:22:17,193
[audience laughs]
1762
01:22:17,236 --> 01:22:20,326
[audience cheers]
1763
01:22:20,370 --> 01:22:25,375
Git-R-Done!
1764
01:22:26,811 --> 01:22:28,769
But I'll tell you where there's
some out of shape folks,
1765
01:22:28,813 --> 01:22:31,424
that's the church I go to.
1766
01:22:31,468 --> 01:22:33,513
Good Lord, you oughta
to see these people.
1767
01:22:33,557 --> 01:22:36,821
Old Lady Peacock is 326 pounds.
1768
01:22:36,864 --> 01:22:39,606
She got up to sing in
the choir at the church.
1769
01:22:39,650 --> 01:22:41,826
She sang "Love Lifted Me".
1770
01:22:41,869 --> 01:22:43,523
[audience laughs]
1771
01:22:43,567 --> 01:22:46,352
A crane couldn't life
Old Lady Peacock.
1772
01:22:46,396 --> 01:22:48,441
"Love Lifted Me", my
brother nudges me.
1773
01:22:48,485 --> 01:22:50,226
He goes, "Love ain't gonna
do it without a winch,
1774
01:22:50,269 --> 01:22:54,839
I'll tell you that much right
there, that ain't workin'."
1775
01:22:54,882 --> 01:22:57,059
She's mad at my dad right now,
1776
01:22:57,102 --> 01:22:59,191
'cause she come over at
visitation or something,
1777
01:22:59,235 --> 01:23:00,410
and she walked in.
1778
01:23:00,453 --> 01:23:02,455
She goes, "I'm gonna
get my stomach stapled."
1779
01:23:02,499 --> 01:23:05,284
He goes, "To what, the
Country Buffet down there?"
1780
01:23:05,328 --> 01:23:06,938
Good Lord.
1781
01:23:06,982 --> 01:23:09,810
[audience cheers]
1782
01:23:11,160 --> 01:23:12,988
I tell you what church
you stay in shape in,
1783
01:23:13,031 --> 01:23:14,641
that's the Catholic church.
1784
01:23:14,685 --> 01:23:16,556
Good, you been in there?
1785
01:23:16,600 --> 01:23:19,124
You gotta be in shape to
go through that service,
1786
01:23:19,168 --> 01:23:20,343
and I'd never been
in there before,
1787
01:23:20,386 --> 01:23:21,561
and I walk in with
a buddy of mine.
1788
01:23:21,605 --> 01:23:22,823
He's going down there,
1789
01:23:22,867 --> 01:23:23,781
and I was following
people in front of me,
1790
01:23:23,824 --> 01:23:25,435
and I got bad knees.
1791
01:23:25,478 --> 01:23:26,958
And I walk in there,
minute I get in there,
1792
01:23:27,002 --> 01:23:29,004
and they all kneel down,
so I kneel down like this.
1793
01:23:29,047 --> 01:23:30,657
Get down, and the
minute I get down,
1794
01:23:30,701 --> 01:23:32,659
we back up again, like this.
1795
01:23:32,703 --> 01:23:35,532
And back down again
we go like this.
1796
01:23:35,575 --> 01:23:39,144
I'm like, you son of, here
we go, right back up again.
1797
01:23:39,188 --> 01:23:42,147
Good Lord, we was
down, up, sit down,
1798
01:23:42,191 --> 01:23:43,801
we did two shots.
1799
01:23:43,844 --> 01:23:46,412
I mean, it was something else.
1800
01:23:46,456 --> 01:23:48,066
[audience cheers]
1801
01:23:48,110 --> 01:23:49,589
It was ridiculous.
1802
01:23:51,026 --> 01:23:52,505
It was ridiculous.
1803
01:23:54,812 --> 01:23:56,509
It was ridiculous.
1804
01:23:56,553 --> 01:23:59,338
But you do get in
shape in there, and
that's the good thing.
1805
01:23:59,382 --> 01:24:02,385
I was at a Victoria's
Secret the other day,
1806
01:24:03,777 --> 01:24:05,605
and I was picking on them
little shorty short britches.
1807
01:24:05,649 --> 01:24:08,652
They have the, britches
in there for fellers,
1808
01:24:08,695 --> 01:24:10,567
they're a little
too tight for me.
1809
01:24:11,394 --> 01:24:12,569
You ever put them on?
1810
01:24:12,612 --> 01:24:13,787
You put them on, it
looks like your tonsils
1811
01:24:13,831 --> 01:24:16,051
are hanging out of
your dadgum shorts.
1812
01:24:16,094 --> 01:24:17,226
I mean, it's ridiculous.
1813
01:24:18,140 --> 01:24:19,358
[audience laughs]
1814
01:24:19,402 --> 01:24:20,620
My girlfriend was
like, "Go in there
1815
01:24:20,664 --> 01:24:22,057
and try them little
shorty shorts on."
1816
01:24:22,100 --> 01:24:23,971
I'm like, "That
ain't happening."
1817
01:24:25,538 --> 01:24:27,845
So, I go in there
and try 'em on.
1818
01:24:27,888 --> 01:24:30,369
[audience laughs]
1819
01:24:30,413 --> 01:24:33,285
Good Lord, they split
my boys in two places,
1820
01:24:33,329 --> 01:24:34,330
they were so tight.
1821
01:24:36,027 --> 01:24:37,159
I had a boy come
out the left side
1822
01:24:37,202 --> 01:24:39,683
and the boy come
out the right side.
1823
01:24:39,726 --> 01:24:41,772
I even had a boy I
didn't know about
1824
01:24:41,815 --> 01:24:43,991
come out of them shorts.
1825
01:24:44,035 --> 01:24:46,646
And then she's
like, "Come on out.
1826
01:24:46,690 --> 01:24:47,908
Let's take a peek at you."
1827
01:24:47,952 --> 01:24:50,259
I'm like, "I'm
staying right here."
1828
01:24:51,869 --> 01:24:53,871
So, I go walking out.
1829
01:24:53,914 --> 01:24:56,743
[audience laughs]
1830
01:24:58,180 --> 01:25:00,182
People were looking at me
like what in the world?
1831
01:25:01,313 --> 01:25:02,880
You look like your
tonsils are coming out
1832
01:25:02,923 --> 01:25:05,404
of your dadgum shorts.
1833
01:25:05,448 --> 01:25:07,667
I think the women got
it real bad, though.
1834
01:25:07,711 --> 01:25:09,930
Y'all's shorts is really tiny.
1835
01:25:09,974 --> 01:25:12,411
I mean, you need to be
groomed up in them places,
1836
01:25:12,455 --> 01:25:13,760
you know what I mean?
1837
01:25:13,804 --> 01:25:17,112
Bikini waxed or
something, which is sexy.
1838
01:25:17,155 --> 01:25:18,156
We fellers like that.
1839
01:25:19,592 --> 01:25:21,116
You don't want your girlfriend
coming at you naked,
1840
01:25:21,159 --> 01:25:23,944
look like a ZZ Top concert
just got out or something.
1841
01:25:23,988 --> 01:25:25,511
You don't want that.
1842
01:25:25,555 --> 01:25:26,860
[audience cheers]
1843
01:25:26,904 --> 01:25:29,820
You don't want
something like that.
1844
01:25:31,996 --> 01:25:33,954
But women want
fellers to do that,
1845
01:25:33,998 --> 01:25:35,434
and that's what irritates me.
1846
01:25:35,478 --> 01:25:39,177
My girlfriend wanted me to
groom up the private areas,
1847
01:25:39,221 --> 01:25:40,874
and that's stupid.
1848
01:25:40,918 --> 01:25:42,180
[audience laughs]
1849
01:25:42,224 --> 01:25:43,790
Fellers ain't
supposed to do that,
1850
01:25:43,834 --> 01:25:45,270
you know what I mean?
1851
01:25:45,314 --> 01:25:48,839
And she got that idea from
them girl magazines y'all read.
1852
01:25:48,882 --> 01:25:49,796
I don't know what it is.
1853
01:25:49,840 --> 01:25:51,972
She was reading a "Hog Hunter".
1854
01:25:52,016 --> 01:25:54,279
She was reading a "Hog
Hunter" magazine there,
1855
01:25:55,672 --> 01:25:57,282
and she goes, "Why don't
you shave your private area?
1856
01:25:57,326 --> 01:25:58,805
It'll look sexy."
1857
01:25:58,849 --> 01:26:00,981
I'm like, "I ain't doing
none of that kind of garbage.
1858
01:26:01,025 --> 01:26:02,548
I ain't one of them."
1859
01:26:02,592 --> 01:26:05,769
And, so, I'm in there shaving
my private area in there.
1860
01:26:05,812 --> 01:26:07,379
[audience laughs]
1861
01:26:07,423 --> 01:26:10,252
[audience cheers]
1862
01:26:13,211 --> 01:26:14,778
That was real sexy.
1863
01:26:16,649 --> 01:26:18,608
I come out of the bathroom
with little red bumps
1864
01:26:18,651 --> 01:26:22,307
and toilet paper squares
all over the area down here.
1865
01:26:23,221 --> 01:26:24,483
Good Lord.
1866
01:26:24,527 --> 01:26:26,485
[audience applauds]
1867
01:26:26,529 --> 01:26:28,618
That was not, I was
standing there naked.
1868
01:26:28,661 --> 01:26:30,924
I looked like a grub worm
with a turtleneck on.
1869
01:26:30,968 --> 01:26:33,318
That's what I looked like.
1870
01:26:33,362 --> 01:26:34,667
[audience laughs]
1871
01:26:34,711 --> 01:26:37,453
Good Lord, if I was a
girl, I'd never shave.
1872
01:26:37,496 --> 01:26:39,019
I tell you that much.
1873
01:26:39,063 --> 01:26:41,674
I'd be at the beach, look
like I was smuggling Chewbacca
1874
01:26:41,718 --> 01:26:43,894
in my undershorts,
that's what I'd do.
1875
01:26:43,937 --> 01:26:45,678
Git-R-Done, thanks a lot, y'all.
1876
01:26:45,722 --> 01:26:48,551
[audience cheers]
1877
01:26:52,032 --> 01:26:52,946
Git-R-Done!
1878
01:27:05,394 --> 01:27:07,178
Y'all fellas can Git-R-Done.
1879
01:27:07,222 --> 01:27:09,441
Thank you so much.
1880
01:27:09,485 --> 01:27:10,268
Thank you so much.
1881
01:27:10,312 --> 01:27:12,531
All right, all right.
1882
01:27:12,575 --> 01:27:15,404
[audience cheers]
1883
01:27:19,146 --> 01:27:21,975
[audience whoops]
1884
01:27:24,282 --> 01:27:26,066
Hey, I'm gonna tell you,
1885
01:27:26,110 --> 01:27:28,286
this is my favorite part
of the show right here.
1886
01:27:28,330 --> 01:27:30,157
Let's bring the boys back up.
1887
01:27:30,201 --> 01:27:31,811
Now, come on!
1888
01:27:31,855 --> 01:27:35,424
[audience cheers]
1889
01:27:35,467 --> 01:27:38,818
Bill Engvall, Jeff
Foxworthy, Ron White!
1890
01:27:39,776 --> 01:27:42,605
[audience cheers]
1891
01:27:45,260 --> 01:27:47,566
- Larry the Cable Guy!
1892
01:27:47,610 --> 01:27:50,613
[audience applauds]
1893
01:28:03,147 --> 01:28:05,410
- Too bad we couldn't get
a good crowd in Denver.
1894
01:28:05,454 --> 01:28:07,456
- I know, it's too cold.
1895
01:28:12,983 --> 01:28:14,941
- I gotta tell you, this is,
1896
01:28:14,985 --> 01:28:17,509
this has been a very
special night for us.
1897
01:28:17,553 --> 01:28:19,381
[audience cheers]
1898
01:28:19,424 --> 01:28:21,513
You guys have been awesome.
1899
01:28:26,866 --> 01:28:29,739
And I think I can say
for all of these guys,
1900
01:28:29,782 --> 01:28:33,438
we feel very blessed to
have been able to do this
1901
01:28:33,482 --> 01:28:34,961
for 20 years and be friends,
1902
01:28:35,005 --> 01:28:37,616
and especially to get
to do this together.
1903
01:28:39,488 --> 01:28:40,967
- Yeah, amen on that.
1904
01:28:41,794 --> 01:28:43,274
[audience cheers]
1905
01:28:43,318 --> 01:28:45,972
It's been the best
job I've ever had.
1906
01:28:46,016 --> 01:28:47,147
- [Jeff] Me, too.
1907
01:28:47,191 --> 01:28:48,453
- And I got to
thinking about that.
1908
01:28:48,497 --> 01:28:50,281
We have been blessed
to be able to,
1909
01:28:50,325 --> 01:28:52,544
with having great fans
and be able to tell jokes
1910
01:28:52,588 --> 01:28:55,547
and make a living,
and thank God,
1911
01:28:55,591 --> 01:28:59,682
because we ain't trained
to do nothing else.
1912
01:28:59,725 --> 01:29:01,553
And with that thought in mind,
1913
01:29:01,597 --> 01:29:04,643
I was saving this
for the last show.
1914
01:29:04,687 --> 01:29:06,384
If you weren't doing this,
1915
01:29:06,428 --> 01:29:08,691
what job do you
think you'd be doing?
1916
01:29:08,734 --> 01:29:10,257
- [Audience Member] Janitor!
1917
01:29:10,301 --> 01:29:14,044
- I hate it when my mother
comes to the show, I hate it.
1918
01:29:15,132 --> 01:29:17,656
[audience applauds]
1919
01:29:17,700 --> 01:29:20,006
I don't, I don't, I don't know.
1920
01:29:20,050 --> 01:29:22,966
I'll tell you a job I think
I'd be qualified to do.
1921
01:29:23,009 --> 01:29:25,011
I was doing a show
four or five months ago
1922
01:29:25,055 --> 01:29:27,710
in Huntington, West Virginia,
and as I was flying in,
1923
01:29:27,753 --> 01:29:30,365
we had to divert because
the plane in front of us
1924
01:29:30,408 --> 01:29:31,844
skidded on the runway,
1925
01:29:31,888 --> 01:29:34,586
because he forgot to
put his wheels down.
1926
01:29:34,630 --> 01:29:36,022
I mean, it seems to me
1927
01:29:36,066 --> 01:29:39,243
that ought to be on the
checklist somewhere.
1928
01:29:39,286 --> 01:29:41,941
But they diverted us to this
airport in Ashland, Kentucky.
1929
01:29:41,985 --> 01:29:43,421
It's the tiniest airport
I've ever been to,
1930
01:29:43,465 --> 01:29:45,336
and then the guy that was
supposed to pick me up,
1931
01:29:45,380 --> 01:29:47,773
couldn't find the
Ashland airport,
1932
01:29:47,817 --> 01:29:51,429
because if you get behind
that bush, you can't see it.
1933
01:29:51,473 --> 01:29:52,996
You can't see it.
1934
01:29:53,039 --> 01:29:55,259
So, I sat there
for like two hours
1935
01:29:55,302 --> 01:29:58,262
with the two guys that
worked there part-time.
1936
01:29:58,305 --> 01:30:01,657
[audience laughs]
1937
01:30:01,700 --> 01:30:03,354
Do you think I'm making that up?
1938
01:30:03,398 --> 01:30:04,224
I'm not.
1939
01:30:05,530 --> 01:30:07,445
When they're not
cutting grass, you know,
1940
01:30:07,489 --> 01:30:09,055
they do the thing
at the airport.
1941
01:30:09,099 --> 01:30:10,709
And I asked him, I said,
1942
01:30:10,753 --> 01:30:13,059
"What is the most exciting thing
that's ever happened here?"
1943
01:30:13,103 --> 01:30:13,930
And one of the guys said,
1944
01:30:13,973 --> 01:30:15,671
"Well, last year a goose
1945
01:30:15,714 --> 01:30:17,890
flew into the
windshield of a Cessna."
1946
01:30:17,934 --> 01:30:19,152
And I said, "Really?"
1947
01:30:19,196 --> 01:30:20,415
I said, "Did it break it?"
1948
01:30:20,458 --> 01:30:21,459
And he said, "No."
1949
01:30:21,503 --> 01:30:23,113
He said, "Them
windshields are tough."
1950
01:30:23,156 --> 01:30:24,897
He said, "You know
how they test them?"
1951
01:30:24,941 --> 01:30:26,421
And I said, "No."
1952
01:30:26,464 --> 01:30:29,598
He said, "They shoot chickens
out of a cannon at 'em."
1953
01:30:29,641 --> 01:30:31,295
[audience laughs]
1954
01:30:31,338 --> 01:30:35,473
And I was thinking, I remember
career day in high school.
1955
01:30:35,517 --> 01:30:37,040
I remember plumbers.
1956
01:30:37,083 --> 01:30:38,520
I remember lawyers.
1957
01:30:38,563 --> 01:30:40,870
I do not remember a booth
where you could sign up
1958
01:30:40,913 --> 01:30:43,350
to shoot chickens
out of a cannon
1959
01:30:43,394 --> 01:30:45,004
at the windshield
of an airplane,
1960
01:30:45,048 --> 01:30:48,921
'cause there would have been a
line at my school to do that.
1961
01:30:48,965 --> 01:30:51,794
[audience cheers]
1962
01:30:53,317 --> 01:30:54,927
So maybe that.
1963
01:30:54,971 --> 01:30:58,801
- If this hadn't worked
out, it's a scary thought,
1964
01:30:58,844 --> 01:31:01,020
but I think I would be still
doing what I was doing,
1965
01:31:01,064 --> 01:31:05,634
my last job, and I was a tour
guide for an underground cave.
1966
01:31:05,677 --> 01:31:06,983
[audience laughs]
1967
01:31:07,026 --> 01:31:08,724
- Did you have a uniform?
1968
01:31:08,767 --> 01:31:12,684
- Oh, we had a jumpsuit with
the little name tag on it,
1969
01:31:12,728 --> 01:31:16,775
said Bill, and it
was not a great job,
1970
01:31:16,819 --> 01:31:19,082
but it's probably where
my comedy started,
1971
01:31:19,125 --> 01:31:22,128
'cause if you put people
underground, they freak.
1972
01:31:22,172 --> 01:31:23,608
[audience laughs]
1973
01:31:23,652 --> 01:31:25,480
And we used to have to walk
backwards through the cave
1974
01:31:25,523 --> 01:31:26,742
so we could keep
an eye on the tour,
1975
01:31:26,785 --> 01:31:28,961
and I got fired from that job,
1976
01:31:29,005 --> 01:31:30,833
because I used to like
to go around the corner
1977
01:31:30,876 --> 01:31:33,444
and come back screaming,
"Bats, bats, bats!"
1978
01:31:33,488 --> 01:31:35,141
[audience laughs]
1979
01:31:35,185 --> 01:31:36,621
People don't appreciate that.
1980
01:31:38,362 --> 01:31:40,146
- Plus, having to walk out
with wet pants the whole way.
1981
01:31:40,190 --> 01:31:41,017
- Yeah.
1982
01:31:42,192 --> 01:31:43,628
- What about you,
what do you got?
1983
01:31:43,672 --> 01:31:45,848
- I used to shoot chickens
outta cannons at airplanes.
1984
01:31:45,891 --> 01:31:48,154
[audience laughs]
1985
01:31:48,198 --> 01:31:51,027
[audience cheers]
1986
01:31:52,550 --> 01:31:53,464
No, I'm gonna tell you,
1987
01:31:53,508 --> 01:31:55,031
I did have a job one time,
1988
01:31:55,074 --> 01:31:57,555
I used to work at
the flea market.
1989
01:31:57,599 --> 01:32:00,079
I liked working up there,
but I always nice feller.
1990
01:32:00,123 --> 01:32:01,341
I used to sell stuff,
1991
01:32:01,385 --> 01:32:03,343
but I didn't want to
overcharge people.
1992
01:32:03,387 --> 01:32:05,650
And I always sold myself
short, is what I did.
1993
01:32:05,694 --> 01:32:06,825
Like, people'd come
up and they'd go,
1994
01:32:06,869 --> 01:32:08,305
"How much you want for that?"
1995
01:32:08,348 --> 01:32:09,567
And I'm like, "20 bucks,"
1996
01:32:09,611 --> 01:32:12,135
And they'd be like,
"Give me five of 'em."
1997
01:32:12,178 --> 01:32:15,921
I'm like, dadgum, I
could've got more for them.
1998
01:32:16,835 --> 01:32:17,706
You know?
1999
01:32:17,749 --> 01:32:19,185
And I still do that to this day.
2000
01:32:19,229 --> 01:32:20,709
I can't figure out.
2001
01:32:20,752 --> 01:32:23,015
Like, I was at the restaurant
the other day eating,
2002
01:32:23,059 --> 01:32:25,583
and the waitress
come by and she says,
2003
01:32:25,627 --> 01:32:26,541
"You need anything else?"
2004
01:32:26,584 --> 01:32:27,716
And I was just kidding around,
2005
01:32:27,759 --> 01:32:30,327
and I go, "Yeah, how
about a neck rub?"
2006
01:32:30,370 --> 01:32:32,677
She started giving
me a neck rub,
2007
01:32:32,721 --> 01:32:34,374
and I was like.
2008
01:32:34,418 --> 01:32:37,247
[audience laughs]
2009
01:32:38,727 --> 01:32:40,337
I coulda had more!
2010
01:32:42,905 --> 01:32:44,907
- All right, this
one I want to hear.
2011
01:32:46,038 --> 01:32:48,693
- I cannot imagine
you having a real job.
2012
01:32:48,737 --> 01:32:50,477
- You know what?
2013
01:32:50,521 --> 01:32:55,526
The last job that I had
was at a pickle factory.
2014
01:32:57,746 --> 01:33:01,401
I promise, and I got fired
for putting my finger
2015
01:33:01,445 --> 01:33:02,489
in the pickle slicer.
2016
01:33:04,143 --> 01:33:06,885
- You got fired for putting
your finger in a pickle slicer?
2017
01:33:06,929 --> 01:33:09,235
- She got fired, too,
both of us got fired.
2018
01:33:09,279 --> 01:33:12,456
[audience laughs]
2019
01:33:12,499 --> 01:33:15,328
[audience cheers]
2020
01:33:24,642 --> 01:33:26,122
Lord, I apologize.
2021
01:33:28,907 --> 01:33:29,691
- You'd better.
2022
01:33:31,997 --> 01:33:34,391
- Your sister never worked
in a pickle factory, did she?
2023
01:33:34,434 --> 01:33:36,088
- I don't think so.
2024
01:33:37,524 --> 01:33:40,615
- We did this tour for a
little over three years,
2025
01:33:40,658 --> 01:33:41,746
and hundreds of shows,
2026
01:33:41,790 --> 01:33:44,401
and never once in
those hundreds of shows
2027
01:33:44,444 --> 01:33:46,795
did any of y'all ever see
him bring a guitar on stage.
2028
01:33:46,838 --> 01:33:48,318
- No, this is a new thing.
2029
01:33:48,361 --> 01:33:51,190
[audience cheers]
2030
01:33:54,846 --> 01:33:56,108
- Well, let me tell you.
2031
01:33:56,152 --> 01:33:58,197
I started tinkering
around with a guitar.
2032
01:33:58,241 --> 01:33:59,938
I started doing it in Las Vegas
2033
01:33:59,982 --> 01:34:01,897
at the Mirage Hotel one time.
2034
01:34:03,072 --> 01:34:05,117
I was opening up for
this new act out there
2035
01:34:05,161 --> 01:34:07,380
called Siegfried and
the Righteous Brothers.
2036
01:34:07,424 --> 01:34:11,950
And I knew that we was
working on that song
2037
01:34:11,994 --> 01:34:13,169
that we wanted to do.
2038
01:34:13,212 --> 01:34:15,301
- Oh, the sing what
they want thing.
2039
01:34:15,345 --> 01:34:16,215
- So, I thought,
you didn't know it,
2040
01:34:16,259 --> 01:34:17,564
but I figured we play some.
2041
01:34:17,608 --> 01:34:18,870
- Why not?
- We're gonna do that?
2042
01:34:18,914 --> 01:34:20,263
- I've been practicing, too.
2043
01:34:20,306 --> 01:34:21,786
- [Jeff] It'll be
fine, let's do it.
2044
01:34:21,830 --> 01:34:25,964
- All right, this is a song
we writ called "I Believe".
2045
01:34:26,008 --> 01:34:27,923
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, writ?
2046
01:34:27,966 --> 01:34:28,793
- Writ.
2047
01:34:30,360 --> 01:34:31,666
- I didn't writ any of it.
2048
01:34:32,754 --> 01:34:35,147
- You wrote two thirds of it,
2049
01:34:35,191 --> 01:34:37,323
or a quarter of it, whatever.
2050
01:34:38,455 --> 01:34:39,848
- Yeah, don't try to do math.
2051
01:34:39,891 --> 01:34:41,763
- If Larry's gonna
start doing fractions,
2052
01:34:41,806 --> 01:34:44,766
you may want to go
to the concession
stand or the restroom.
2053
01:34:45,680 --> 01:34:48,030
[audience cheers]
2054
01:34:48,073 --> 01:34:49,335
- All right, but this is a song-
2055
01:34:49,379 --> 01:34:50,989
- [Audience Member]
I love you, Larry!
2056
01:34:51,033 --> 01:34:53,600
- I told you to
wait in the truck.
2057
01:34:53,644 --> 01:34:56,473
[audience cheers]
2058
01:35:00,912 --> 01:35:01,739
I love ya.
2059
01:35:06,483 --> 01:35:11,488
That ain't right.
2060
01:35:12,228 --> 01:35:13,577
That wasn't right.
2061
01:35:13,620 --> 01:35:16,449
- All right, the
name of this is...
2062
01:35:17,624 --> 01:35:18,234
- All right, all
right, here we go.
2063
01:35:18,277 --> 01:35:19,496
- "I Believe".
2064
01:35:19,539 --> 01:35:22,368
- The name of this
is "I Believe", okay?
2065
01:35:22,412 --> 01:35:23,543
[audience cheers]
2066
01:35:23,587 --> 01:35:24,370
- "I Believe".
2067
01:35:24,414 --> 01:35:25,545
- "I Believe".
2068
01:35:25,589 --> 01:35:26,546
- This song is
called "I Believe".
2069
01:35:26,590 --> 01:35:27,722
- Yeah, they got that.
2070
01:35:29,288 --> 01:35:30,550
- I already said that.
2071
01:35:30,594 --> 01:35:33,031
- Out of everything,
this is what we believe.
2072
01:35:34,990 --> 01:35:37,732
Or to Spanish people,
it's "Yo Believe-o".
2073
01:35:37,775 --> 01:35:40,604
[audience laughs]
2074
01:35:43,085 --> 01:35:44,869
- "Yo Believe-o"?
2075
01:35:44,913 --> 01:35:47,872
- Oh, "El Believe-o", whatever.
2076
01:35:47,916 --> 01:35:49,091
Yo, el, whatever.
2077
01:35:50,614 --> 01:35:52,485
But it go like this here.
2078
01:35:54,705 --> 01:35:57,839
[gentle guitar music]
2079
01:36:02,147 --> 01:36:06,543
I believe that Britney Spears
2080
01:36:07,674 --> 01:36:10,590
should be one of Baskin
Robbins' 31 flavors.
2081
01:36:10,634 --> 01:36:13,463
[audience cheers]
2082
01:36:19,948 --> 01:36:20,818
Two scoops!
2083
01:36:22,472 --> 01:36:25,649
[gentle guitar music]
2084
01:36:31,089 --> 01:36:35,572
- I believe that anyone
who wants to wear a thong
2085
01:36:35,615 --> 01:36:38,705
should have to go through
an application process.
2086
01:36:38,749 --> 01:36:41,578
[audience cheers]
2087
01:36:44,973 --> 01:36:48,150
[gentle guitar music]
2088
01:36:56,680 --> 01:37:00,858
- I believe that ignorance
of the law is no excuse,
2089
01:37:02,338 --> 01:37:05,384
and I'm quoting a New York
City judge on this one.
2090
01:37:05,428 --> 01:37:08,083
[audience laughs]
2091
01:37:08,126 --> 01:37:11,042
[audience cheers]
2092
01:37:12,174 --> 01:37:15,351
[gentle guitar music]
2093
01:37:19,529 --> 01:37:22,358
[audience laughs]
2094
01:37:24,882 --> 01:37:26,101
- How old are you?
2095
01:37:27,711 --> 01:37:29,713
- Old enough to learn
how to play this.
2096
01:37:30,975 --> 01:37:32,542
- Wait, well, when's
your birthday?
2097
01:37:32,585 --> 01:37:34,152
- February 17th.
2098
01:37:34,196 --> 01:37:35,850
- No, what year
is your birthday?
2099
01:37:36,807 --> 01:37:39,549
- Every year, February 17th.
2100
01:37:39,592 --> 01:37:40,898
[audience laughs]
2101
01:37:40,942 --> 01:37:41,768
- You asked.
2102
01:37:45,555 --> 01:37:48,732
[gentle guitar music]
2103
01:37:53,693 --> 01:37:55,695
- I believe you show
me a three-year-old
2104
01:37:55,739 --> 01:37:57,915
running around a flea
market in his underpants
2105
01:37:57,959 --> 01:38:00,570
drinking Coca-Cola
out of a baby bottle,
2106
01:38:00,613 --> 01:38:03,878
and I'll show you a
future NASCAR fan.
2107
01:38:03,921 --> 01:38:06,750
[audience cheers]
2108
01:38:10,885 --> 01:38:14,018
[gentle guitar music]
2109
01:38:17,282 --> 01:38:19,937
- I believe that sometimes
you got wreck the truck
2110
01:38:19,981 --> 01:38:22,679
to get the insurance money
to make the truck payment.
2111
01:38:23,636 --> 01:38:26,074
[audience cheers]
2112
01:38:26,117 --> 01:38:29,294
[gentle guitar music]
2113
01:38:30,382 --> 01:38:32,384
- That is brilliant,
right there.
2114
01:38:32,428 --> 01:38:33,516
- I've done that.
2115
01:38:33,559 --> 01:38:36,736
[gentle guitar music]
2116
01:38:42,438 --> 01:38:45,180
- I believe I'll have a scotch.
2117
01:38:45,223 --> 01:38:48,052
[audience cheers]
2118
01:38:54,102 --> 01:38:55,233
Oh, wait, I've already got one.
2119
01:38:55,277 --> 01:38:56,278
Go ahead, nevermind.
2120
01:38:57,279 --> 01:39:00,412
[gentle guitar music]
2121
01:39:01,631 --> 01:39:05,635
- I believe that the
way to a man's heart
2122
01:39:05,678 --> 01:39:07,506
is not through his stomach.
2123
01:39:07,550 --> 01:39:08,943
It's a little further south.
2124
01:39:09,987 --> 01:39:12,772
[audience cheers]
2125
01:39:12,816 --> 01:39:15,950
[gentle guitar music]
2126
01:39:18,213 --> 01:39:21,085
- I believe the only thing
worse than having diarrhea
2127
01:39:21,129 --> 01:39:24,915
is trying to have it quietly
in a public restroom.
2128
01:39:24,959 --> 01:39:27,787
[audience cheers]
2129
01:39:31,617 --> 01:39:32,967
- That's right, when I get that,
2130
01:39:33,010 --> 01:39:35,752
I always go into
the crippled stool.
2131
01:39:37,493 --> 01:39:39,930
- The crippled stool?
2132
01:39:39,974 --> 01:39:41,105
- Yeah, 'cause if you get that,
2133
01:39:41,149 --> 01:39:43,151
the crippled stool,
they always keep clean,
2134
01:39:43,194 --> 01:39:44,674
so you know it ain't dirty,
2135
01:39:44,717 --> 01:39:46,110
and you got a lot
of room in there
2136
01:39:46,154 --> 01:39:48,025
for stretching your legs out,
2137
01:39:48,069 --> 01:39:51,072
and you got rails
for power squeezin'.
2138
01:39:51,115 --> 01:39:53,117
That's another good deal.
2139
01:39:53,161 --> 01:39:55,990
[audience cheers]
2140
01:39:56,860 --> 01:39:57,817
- He's thought this out.
2141
01:39:58,818 --> 01:40:00,081
- I know.
2142
01:40:00,124 --> 01:40:01,865
- I believe the crippled stool
2143
01:40:01,908 --> 01:40:04,520
is the Cadillac of
the poopin' stools.
2144
01:40:04,563 --> 01:40:07,218
[audience laughs]
2145
01:40:07,262 --> 01:40:10,439
[gentle guitar music]
2146
01:40:22,712 --> 01:40:23,974
- It's your turn.
2147
01:40:24,018 --> 01:40:28,326
- I believe guns
don't kill people.
2148
01:40:28,370 --> 01:40:30,067
Husbands that come
home early do.
2149
01:40:31,112 --> 01:40:33,984
[audience cheers]
2150
01:40:39,294 --> 01:40:42,427
[gentle guitar music]
2151
01:40:44,603 --> 01:40:47,911
- I believe, if you can't say
something nice about somebody,
2152
01:40:47,954 --> 01:40:51,175
you must be talking
about Hillary Clinton.
2153
01:40:51,219 --> 01:40:54,048
[audience cheers]
2154
01:40:58,922 --> 01:41:01,968
[gentle guitar music]
2155
01:41:04,493 --> 01:41:07,061
- I believe the phrase
time in a bottle
2156
01:41:07,104 --> 01:41:10,716
refers to the amount of beer
you can drink before last call.
2157
01:41:10,760 --> 01:41:13,676
[audience cheers]
2158
01:41:16,026 --> 01:41:19,377
[gentle guitar music]
2159
01:41:19,421 --> 01:41:22,032
- I believe if you let
somebody cut in front of you
2160
01:41:22,076 --> 01:41:25,079
in traffic and they don't
give you the little wave,
2161
01:41:25,122 --> 01:41:27,472
it should be perfectly legal
to get up underneath them,
2162
01:41:27,516 --> 01:41:30,084
get them loose, and
put them into the wall.
2163
01:41:30,127 --> 01:41:32,956
[audience cheers]
2164
01:41:39,876 --> 01:41:43,749
[gentle guitar music]
2165
01:41:43,793 --> 01:41:45,099
- I believe,
2166
01:41:45,142 --> 01:41:46,883
[audience laughs]
2167
01:41:46,926 --> 01:41:50,887
if life gives you lemons,
you should make lemonade,
2168
01:41:52,280 --> 01:41:55,674
and try to find someone whose
life has given them vodka
2169
01:41:57,589 --> 01:41:58,460
and have a party.
2170
01:41:59,417 --> 01:42:02,116
[audience cheers]
2171
01:42:05,293 --> 01:42:06,511
- I believe that's
all we've got.
2172
01:42:06,555 --> 01:42:07,904
Good night and God bless y'all.
2173
01:42:07,947 --> 01:42:09,340
Thank you.
2174
01:42:09,384 --> 01:42:12,169
[audience cheers]
2175
01:42:12,213 --> 01:42:15,172
[audience applauds]
2176
01:42:28,577 --> 01:42:30,405
Good night, thank you.
2177
01:42:43,113 --> 01:42:45,681
[upbeat music]
2178
01:42:59,347 --> 01:43:03,177
I knew Denver was the
right place to do this.
2179
01:43:03,220 --> 01:43:04,352
You guys rock!
2180
01:43:05,570 --> 01:43:08,399
[audience cheers]
2181
01:43:10,662 --> 01:43:11,750
You're the best.
2182
01:43:11,794 --> 01:43:14,231
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
2183
01:43:14,275 --> 01:43:15,319
- [Bill] God bless everybody.
2184
01:43:15,363 --> 01:43:16,320
Good night.
2185
01:43:31,205 --> 01:43:33,250
♪ Five o'clock on Friday
2186
01:43:33,294 --> 01:43:36,035
♪ And we're out, ready to roll
2187
01:43:36,079 --> 01:43:38,647
♪ Meetin' my friends at seven
2188
01:43:38,690 --> 01:43:41,171
♪ To head out to the show
2189
01:43:41,215 --> 01:43:43,608
♪ Wheeling into
the parking lot ♪
2190
01:43:43,652 --> 01:43:46,263
♪ With a cooler full of beer
2191
01:43:46,307 --> 01:43:48,657
♪ The redneck on
my trailer hitch ♪
2192
01:43:48,700 --> 01:43:51,225
♪ And a gun rack in the rear
2193
01:43:51,268 --> 01:43:53,923
♪ Window
2194
01:43:53,966 --> 01:43:58,971
♪ It's Blue Collar
Boys havin' fun ♪
2195
01:43:59,929 --> 01:44:01,626
♪ Get up early, stay out late
2196
01:44:01,670 --> 01:44:04,150
♪ And we always Git-R-Done
2197
01:44:04,194 --> 01:44:06,718
♪ There's a lot of
things that we believe ♪
2198
01:44:06,762 --> 01:44:09,243
♪ And it's easy to
see why we all agree ♪
2199
01:44:09,286 --> 01:44:11,723
♪ Glad to be back
with all our friends ♪
2200
01:44:11,767 --> 01:44:15,858
♪ And the Blue Collar
Boys ride again ♪
2201
01:44:15,901 --> 01:44:18,469
[fans chatter]
2202
01:44:20,123 --> 01:44:22,256
- That's my sister-in-law!
2203
01:44:33,267 --> 01:44:35,269
- It's the first
t-shirt he's ever sold.
2204
01:44:35,312 --> 01:44:36,879
He's very excited.
- Ever.
2205
01:44:36,922 --> 01:44:38,968
I have never been so
thrilled in my life.
2206
01:44:40,274 --> 01:44:41,927
Take a look at this.
2207
01:44:44,234 --> 01:44:46,236
- I'm runnin' outta ink.
2208
01:44:49,326 --> 01:44:51,720
- There you go, darlin'.
- I love you!
2209
01:44:51,763 --> 01:44:54,113
♪ Bass boat's missin'
and Daddy went fishin' ♪
2210
01:44:54,157 --> 01:44:56,464
♪ Church is gonna have to wait
2211
01:44:56,507 --> 01:44:57,987
♪ Barbecue's burnin'
2212
01:44:58,030 --> 01:45:01,686
♪ Radio churnin' greatest
hits of George Strait ♪
2213
01:45:01,730 --> 01:45:06,604
♪ And I know every word from
every song that Skynyrd done ♪
2214
01:45:06,648 --> 01:45:11,653
♪ "Free Bird", "Sweet
Home Alabama", and
"I Ain't the One" ♪
2215
01:45:12,828 --> 01:45:16,962
♪ We're just Blue
Collar Boys havin' fun ♪
2216
01:45:17,833 --> 01:45:19,661
♪ Get up early, stay out late
2217
01:45:19,704 --> 01:45:22,446
♪ I'm a hard-workin'
son of a gun ♪
2218
01:45:22,490 --> 01:45:24,796
♪ There's a lot of
things that we believe ♪
2219
01:45:24,840 --> 01:45:27,625
♪ It's easy to see
why we all agree ♪
2220
01:45:27,669 --> 01:45:30,019
♪ Glad to be back
with all our friends ♪
2221
01:45:30,062 --> 01:45:35,067
♪ And the Blue Collar
Boys ride again ♪
2222
01:45:35,938 --> 01:45:37,722
- [Jeff] Ride that thing, Tater!
2223
01:45:37,766 --> 01:45:39,245
- [Ron] Git-R-Done!
2224
01:45:39,289 --> 01:45:41,030
- [Larry] Hey, man,
where's your sign at?
2225
01:45:41,073 --> 01:45:42,727
- [Bill] I got it
tattooed, and that's funny.
2226
01:45:42,771 --> 01:45:44,294
I don't care who you are.
2227
01:45:44,338 --> 01:45:45,687
- [Larry] Hey,
Jeff, this mustache,
2228
01:45:45,730 --> 01:45:47,253
you may be a redneck if?
2229
01:45:47,297 --> 01:45:50,082
- [Jeff] You might be a redneck
if you ride it for 50 cents.
2230
01:45:50,126 --> 01:45:52,084
- [Ron] Mustache
rides for 50 cents.
2231
01:45:52,128 --> 01:45:53,869
Hold on, mister.
2232
01:45:53,912 --> 01:45:57,220
- I want to show you
the most disgusting bed
2233
01:45:57,263 --> 01:45:59,918
in the United States.
2234
01:45:59,962 --> 01:46:02,094
- And this includes
homeless people.
2235
01:46:02,138 --> 01:46:03,705
- This is horrible.
2236
01:46:08,231 --> 01:46:09,363
Look at this.
2237
01:46:10,886 --> 01:46:13,279
Is this a landfill or what?
2238
01:46:14,585 --> 01:46:16,631
- [Ron] He cleaned
it up yesterday.
2239
01:46:16,674 --> 01:46:17,893
- [Jeff] It's cleaned up.
2240
01:46:19,068 --> 01:46:20,852
- [Larry] I believe,
no matter hard you try,
2241
01:46:20,896 --> 01:46:22,550
you can't baptize cats.
2242
01:46:22,593 --> 01:46:24,421
- [Bill] All right,
that wasn't too bad.
2243
01:46:24,465 --> 01:46:26,684
- [Larry] That's pretty good!
2244
01:46:26,728 --> 01:46:29,383
The first time we ever sung
that song in public, thank you.
155131
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.