Original subtitles

- Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents!

Ow!

This is my dad.

[zany music]

This is my mom. [laughs]

This is my sister. She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room!

And this...

? ?

This is my show!

? ?

[light orchestral music]

- [munching]

[gulping]

Hmm?

Hello.

Didn't see you there.

Welcome to Patrick's Reading Hour.

Tonight's selection is the comic book classic,

"Pat the Hapless,

and The Search to Slaughter The Smell."

[smacks lips]

Our journey begins in the mystical land of Patgar.

- Give up, Pat the Sapless.

You cannot defeat me now that I have control over

the mind of the Jabbersquawky.

- [roars]

- [whistles]

- Polly wanna crack your skull.

- Puny parrot no match for Pat the Hapless.

We'll make into excellent poultry feast.

- Not if I send you to your alaka-doom!

[all squawking]

- Leedle, leedle, leedle, lee!

- [all squawk]

- Wha?

- People of Patgar, you are now safe

from the beast.

[cheers and applause]

- Yeah, yeah, victory is yours, again.

[applause]

[all gagging, grumbling]

- What is that smell?

- [sniffs]

[sighs] That's the smell of victory,

fragrance of champions.

Ha-ha!

- [whimpers]

- Homeward, mighty Puffasaur.

You can all thank me later.

[all groaning]

- [trumpets]

- Dragon, sweet, dragon.

[grunts]

[sighs]

[hissing]

Hmm.

Beverage more pungent than usual.

[knock at door]

Who dares disturb Pat's quality time?

Have at thee.

Oh, it's just you, Dragon Carcass Owners Association.

- We've been getting complaints--

- From the coven of neighbors--

- About you.

- What is it this time?

Crogsmas lights out of season?

Lawn gnomes too tacky?

- Nay.

The issue at hand is, you absolutely reek, dude.

- Everyone's complaining.

- Yeah, you gotta take a bath.

- Pat the Hapless don't have products for bath.

Only products for bloodbath.

- Here, take this.

- Huh?

One free bath bomb at Bath & Bludgeon Works?

- Clean up before tomorrow--

- Or you shall incur--

all: A strongly worded letter!

- So Pat the Hapless boarded his Puffasaur

and rode through the searing desert

until he reached his final destination,

the Shopping Maul.

- [trumpets]

[jazzy music]

- Pay the parking fee to get in.

[both groaning]

- Is this some kind of sick joke?

It costs three heads to get in,

or are you some kind of dummy that can't read?

[laughs]

Oy!

Happy shopping.

[adventurous music]

- Crog-darn it.

Mall parking packed today.

Hark on yonder, the compact parking.

[both grumbling]

- Perfect

[alarm beeping]

Bellowing barnacles, mall vast.

It will take eons to find bath bomb...bomb...

[gasps]

An enchanted mall map.

Many thanks.

Huh?

Mall really is vast.

- Which of these would look better on my collector's shelf?

I don't have enough allowance to get both.

Ooh, you.

- My mortal--

- Enemy.

- Ahh!

[yells]

- Ahh! - Ahh!

- Ahh!

Wait a minute.

We're not on the clock.

- Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

Force of habit.

- You're too dedicated to your job, my friend.

- Pat struggles with work-life balance.

Therapist say it no good.

- [clears throat]

- So, uh, Pat kind of in middle of quest here.

- Yes Yes.

Well, I-- I'm also on an important quest.

- Oh, and since I didn't get to do this earlier.

- Ohh. [chuckles]

You always were a thorough one.

[sighs] At least I have something

for my collector's shelf.

[laughter]

- To get to bath bomb,

Pat must traverse the Court of Food.

- ? Free --

- ? Free --

- ? Free --

[together] ? Free samples ?

- The food sample sirens.

Must not get distracted by their savory wiles.

- Deep-fried eye of newt?

Wah!

- Philly cheese snake?

[screams]

- Boneba tea?

[screams]

- Boiled centipede?

- Lizard kebab?

- Eye cheese?

[all speaking simultaneously]

- [growls]

[yells]

Mmm, finger food.

- Thus, Pat the Hapless continued on his quest,

searching for the Bath & Bludgeon Works.

But he got a little lost, and he ended up

back where he started.

[groans] Pat grows weary of this mall.

Oh, almighty Crog, bestow such luck upon Pat the Hapless

that he might complete his journey

to Bath & Bludgeon Works.

While you work on that miracle,

Pat the Hapless shall make camp.

[snores]

[both cackling[

[sinister music]

Huh?

What's this?

Torture chamber?

[groans] Huh?

- Ahh!

Ahh!

- Oh! Ow! Ow!

- Whoo, hot, whoo, oh, feel the burn.

Feel the burn.

- This worse than torture chamber.

This Health and Fitness Center.

[both cackling]

- That's right.

- Would you like a protein shake?

[slurps, belches]]

Or a complimentary stretch?

- [groans]

Why am I here?

Pat the Hapless in peak physical condition.

- Are you sure?

If you sign up today you'll get a 20% discount

off our lifetime membership.

- [groans]

Ahh!

Ahh!

[dramatic music]

Time to cancel your membership to life.

[both groaning, screaming]

- [growls]

- OK, OK.

How about we throw in a free water bottle?

[both screaming]

- Now where that bath bomb?

Huh?

[horn fanfare]

- Hear ye, hear ye.

[together] Huh?

- There is but one bath bomb left in Bath & Bludgeon Work.

- Bath bomb.

- This last bomb is now 50% off.

[all shouting]

- Oh, no, you shan't.

Hee-yah!

[dramatic music]

[panting]

Finally, at long last,

Pat the Hapless journey comes to its triumphant end.

- Oh, boy! - Huh?

I forgot this comic came with a free jawbreaker.

[squeaking]

[foghorn blares]

Mm, lavender-flavored.

- [growls]

All this for nothing!

Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh!

[yelling]

- Hello, welcome to the perfume department.

- Ahh!

Ahh-ahh!

[dramatic music]

? ?

- Ooh, that feel better.

[sniffing]

Hmm, stench of failure more pleasant than stink of victory.

Hmm, call that a win.

[all groaning]

- [slurping]

[knock at door]

- [growls]

- Ahh!

- Hmph!

- Well, have you done as we requested?

- Pat cover with perfume, Death Knell Number Five.

[foghorn blasts]

[all groaning, screaming]

- It's somehow even worse than before.

[all groaning]

- Huh?

Oh, finally, nothing else can ruin day.

Ugh!

[snoring]

- Huh?

Oh, sorry, folks.

Sometimes reading bores me to sleep.

- [growls]

- I guess this is where we part.

- [groaning]

- You think that's deep enough, Pat-Tron?

- Ooh, you want deeper?

- [groans]

Too deep, Pat-Tron.

- Sorry.

- Saladrian warships approaching.

Saladrian warships approaching.

- Oh, thank Neptune.

- [chuckles] So, Quasar,

what do you think of my new mustache?

- It doesn't suit you.

- You'll pay for that.

Fire crouton torpedoes!

[torpedoes zapping]

- Quick, Pat-Tron, we need more power.

- Aww, but I wanted to watch.

- Just do your job and help me.

- Fine.

Huh? [alarm blaring]

- Pat-Tron, did you just press the Surrender Button?

Whoa! [groans]

Pat-Tron!

- Yes, captain?

- You're fired!

- But, but--

Ahh!

- Uh-- he-heh, truce?

[lasers zapping]

- Wow, we're having so much fun, aren't we, guys?

[cheers and applause]

Oh, I know he is.

Here comes the airplane.

- [growls, sobs]

[loud crash]

- What was that?

Hey, hold these for me while I go see.

[cheers and applause]

Bye.

- [cackling]

[roaring]

[together] Ahh!

- [sobbing]

- Whoa.

What's wrong, space junk?

- It's just that existence is a dismal, meaningless simulation.

[sobs]

- That is so sad.

[sobs] And I don't even know what it means.

[both sobbing]

- Oh, if you're going to cry like that, do it in the garden.

My underwater lilies are a little dry.

[both sobbing]

- Captain's diary, the Saladrians finally got bored

of blasting my ship to pieces.

Pat-Tron, come clean this-- oh.

Right, he's gone.

No matter, I'll find a new assistant bot.

Hmm, I'm not buying secondhand this time around.

Ooh, should be here in four to six business seconds.

Aha.

Confound these impenetrable blister packs.

[grumbles]

- Opening protocol activated.

[lasers zapping]

- Hello, I'm Captain Qua--

- Commencing retinal interface.

[lasers zapping]

- [groans]

- Congratulations, you are the fortunate recipient

of a brand-new Smart-Tron, over 2 trillion

units sold galaxy-wide.

You have chosen the most efficient

product on the market.

- [chuckles] Wow.

So advanced.

Well, you can get started repairing this--

- I have already identified numerous inefficiencies

on this ship.

- Well, the old ship does need some work.

Let's get started.

- Smart-Tron works faster alone.

- I should have replaced Pat-Tron years ago.

Well, if you need me, I'll be soaking in the jacuzzatron.

- It would seem we have many inefficiencies to address.

[both sobbing]

- Pat-Tron from the Quasar show?

Good thing I took Space Plumbing 101.

- [sobbing]

And Leaking Dopey Brother 202.

- Ahh.

- Pat-Tron, what are you doing here?

- My captain fired me because I wasn't helpful enough.

Now I have no one to help.

- Maybe you could help around here.

[all screaming, growling]

- How about you start with that?

- Back in a micro-jiff.

[loud zapping]

Problem solved. The big guy was just lonely.

So I cloned him some companions.

[all screaming, growling]

- Oh.

Squidina, why didn't we think of that?

- I love being helpful.

both: Hi, bear.

- Ahh1

- Does look happier.

- Ah, the place looks a little different.

- I have optimized the spacecraft

for maximum efficiency.

- How am I supposed to steer my ship without control panels?

- Your inefficient buttons have been

replaced with an Intelli-Dial.

- Ooh, shiny.

- Do not touch the Intelli-Dial.

It is set to maximum efficiency.

You will only set us off course.

The most efficient course.

- Fine.

Now get me some lunch.

- Complete.

- Mmm, perfect.

Mmm, bacon-y.

I'll need nutrients if I'm going to get

revenge on the Saladrians.

- Oh, I have already taken care of the Saladrians.

- What do you think of my new mustache...

mustache...mustache...

- [gags]

[groans] I need to relax now.

Do you have a massage function?

- I will relax you in a more efficient manner.

- Wait. What?

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

[groans]

- There, consider yourself relaxed.

[vacuum whirring]

- [sighs] Three less crumbs in the world.

- Oh! - Ooh.

- Whatcha doing?

- Vacu--

- Vac-you or vac-me?

Looks like you missed some spots.

- En Garde!

[dramatic music]

Ha-ha!

- [laughs]

- [grumbles]

There.

Got the last piece of dirt right here.

- Well done.

Put her there.

- Ahh!

- This is so fulfilling.

- Ah, time for some old-fashioned grillin'.

Now to settle in while these dogs plump to perfection.

- Did you say grillin'?

- Why, yes.

- I could help with that.

You don't need this old thing.

[loud explosion]

- Ahh-ahh!

- These will cook way faster over my radioactive

power source.

- Ohh.

- Try one.

- [groans] It-- it's a little crunchy.

- Oops, I think you may be eating

one of my uranium power rods.

- A-wha?

Why didn't you say so?

I love Romanian food.

[groaning]

Not bad.

- You're welcome.

- [groans] What?

[growls]

How am I supposed to do anything like this?

- It is more efficient if you do nothing.

- But I'm-- hey, hey, don't you float away from me when I'm--

Ahh!

I am the captain of this ship,

and if you don't start showing me some respect I'll--

uh, where's my laser ray?

- It is more efficient if I have it.

- Oh.

I'm just going to run away now.

Ahh! Ahh!

Please, stop!

I'm begging you!

- Begging is inefficient.

[laser zapping]

- Ahh!

Ooh!

[groaning]

No, please don't or I'll--

I'll touch the Intelli-Dial.

- Do not touch it!

That dial is set to maximum efficiency.

- You know, Smart-tron, I think we could

use a little inefficiency.

- You wouldn't!

[screams]

- GrandPat asked me to make him a mobility scooter, so I did.

[engine chugging]

- Pat-Tron, do you even know what helping is?

[loud crash] all: Ahh-ahh!

- What was that?

- Wait for me.

[groans]

all: Ahh-ahh-ahh!

- What are you doing here?

- Pat-Tron, oh, um, I was just stopping by to say how

great I'm doing without you.

- Well, I'm doing great too.

These people actually appreciate my help.

[together] Um...eh...

- Speaking of help, I've got a new helper bot.

Its name is Smart-Tron.

It's great.

Very smart.

- Is that it?

- Elimination.

- Ahh! Help me!

- Uh, are you gonna help him?

- Well, don't you guys need me?

- Nah, we're good.

- You've helped us so much already.

- Yeah, we're helpless.

- Well, OK, then.

- Ahh! Ugh! - I'll help you, Captain.

- [groaning]

- Here's a hot towel and a soothing beverage.

- [groaning]

On second thought, help the robot.

[groaning]

- Right.

[laser zapping] Ooh, you look tense.

Have a relaxing massage.

- [grumbling]

- [groans]

- [screams] - Huh?

- Deeper.

- [groans]

- Oh, Pat-Tron, thank you so much.

Please, come back and be my hapless lackey again.

- OK.

Can I have a raise?

- [laughs] Pat-Tron, I missed your humor mode.

- [laughs]

all: Bye.

- No, now I am inefficient.

I have no purpose.

[sobs]

- I've got just the purpose for you.

- [sobs]

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