Original subtitles

- Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents!

Ow!

This is my dad.

[zany music]

This is my mom. [laughs]

This is my sister. She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room!

And this...

♪ ♪

This is my show!

♪ ♪

- ♪ In our tent, we are roughing it ♪

- ♪ And our pillows, we are fluffing it ♪

both: Fluff, fluff!

- ♪ Our tummies, we are stuffing it ♪

both: ♪ 'Cause way out here, we're roughing it ♪

- [growling] - Huh?

It sounds like something's growling.

- Must be my tummy. [tense music]

I'm still hungry no matter how many weenies I eat.

Can I have another one?

- [growling]

- Huh?

- [sniffing, slurps]

- A sea bear! [screams]

- [screams]

- Here, shake my can of lucky pennies at it.

If that doesn't scare it off, we can pay it to leave!

- Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake.

[gasps]

Oh. [laughs] It's just Bubble Bass.

- Ah... ugh.

Fine smoked meats, gentlemen.

Waiting in line makes me hungry.

- Oh, yeah!

You're gonna need a hearty breakfast

if you're going to see... [inhales]

The new Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy Pets Movie:

"Mermaid Worm & Barnacle Barnacle:

"Episode 6: The Bubble Blowers Revenge,

Part 2"! [wheezes]

- Good morning, patrons!

Are you ready to see the new

Mermaid Worm & Barnacle Barnacle movie?

[moviegoers cheering]

Well, too bad. Screening's cancelled.

All of our employees took the day off

so they could see the movie too.

- [nervous laughter] [moviegoers grumbling]

- So unless I can find two simpletons

who want to work for free...

- Sir, look no farther!

- And no mother!

- We'll work for free.

- Buddy, let me handle this.

Hey, we're not working for free.

Double that, and you got yourself a deal.

- Fine, you'll do. You can all see the movie now.

[all cheering]

Except you two, of course.

You two go tear the tickets

and check for people sneaking in outside food.

[both gasp] - Oh!

- [laughs] - [whimpers]

[both grunt]

- Aye, aye! - Sir, yes, sir!

- [clears throat] Tickets, pwease.

Thank you. Enjoy the movie.

[coins clinking] Have a nice viewing.

- [ripping] - [screams]

- [chuckles] Enjoy the movie, you four.

- No outside food is getting past me.

Halt, villain! - Huh?

- [sniffing]

- Oh! - [clicks tongue]

Bad old lady. - [grumbling]

- Hold it!

You may be family,

but you won't get perforation treatment from me.

- [sniffing] - Ooh.

Oh!

- Very disappointing. - Oh.

- [grunts, yelps] Hey!

I learned that one from you!

- [chuckles] So, son, uh, how's the new job going?

[yelps] - Aha!

Just as I suspected.

- B-But, son, we're blood!

- Gravy is thicker than blood, Dad!

[dish shatters]

Enjoy the show!

- Pink guy and square boy, go man the concessions stand.

Customers need their official, theater-approved snacks,

pronto!

Hi-ya! - [panting]

- [grunts, groans]

- Hmm.

One popcorn please, uh, with a hint of butter.

- Coming right up, sir!

[panting]

- That's good. - [panting harder]

- That's enough butter.

No more, thanks.

Stop!

- The butter will cover up the taste of the sea rats.

Trust me.

- Eww!

Could I get a napkin?

- One napkin.

[grunting]

Okay, forget it. It's on the house.

- Get those snacks moving! It's almost showtime!

- Ah! - [whimpers]

- [laughs]

- Let's go!

Those movie reels won't spool themselves!

- Yes, sir, yes, sir, yes, sir! [whistle toots]

I don't know how to do this.

- How hard can it be?

Hmm.

[chuckles] Nothing to it.

Just follow my lead.

[grunting]

- [grunting]

[both whimpering]

[SpongeBob panting]

[both screaming]

- Okay, okay, okay, okay. - Ah, ah, oh, oh.

- [babbles] - [screams]

- "Curse of the Mummies"?

[screams]

- Oh, don't worry, honey.

Mummies aren't real.

- Let's go find the boss. He's gonna be so proud!

- [screams]

- Why do parents lie?

- Okay, you two!

We've got a 3D short playing before the main show,

but I didn't pay for a fancy 3D projector.

So I need you two to make sure the short "feels" 3D

by throwing stuff at the audience.

- Hey, um, some of these look pointy.

[dramatic music playing]

- Put on your 3D specs!

- Oh, no, a meteor shower!

So many meteors! [people screaming]

♪ ♪

[both grunting]

[audience grunting] - Hey!

- Wow, it feels like an actual concussion!

[yelps]

- Oh, these glasses aren't working.

[monsters roaring]

all: Ooh.

Ahh. - [grunts]

[laughs] That's better.

[radical twangy music playing]

[audience sputtering]

- [laughs]

- Good thing I just got my pilot's license.

[laughs]

[screams]

- These effects are hardly believable.

[both yelp] [motor revs]

I stand corrected.

Both: Whoa!

- This isn't a drive-in theater!

You've got to set up the next reel!

All: Shh!

Both: Sorry.

- Oh, shush yourself!

- [screams] - No break!

Projector, now!

Both: [scream]

- And now, our feature presentation.

Both: Where's the next reel? [frantic chatter]

- Ooh, I think I found it.

- Oh, hey, this one looks good too.

- How do we know which one is which?

- SpongeBob, I say let the projector decide.

- Quick, Barnacle Barnacle!

We've got to save the litterbox before it's too...

- Why not enjoy a hot dog?

Both: [muffled chatter]

[all cheering]

[people screaming]

- [slurps]

- Don't you think it's time for a popcorn?

[people screaming]

- Whoa! [excited chatter]

- [grunting]

You'll never feast on our blood,

you vampire squid! [grunts]

- Refreshing soft drinks at the concession stand now!

- S-so c-c-cold. - [slurping]

all: Eww! - That is not okay.

- This is the most blatant product placement

I have ever seen.

[scoffs] Good thing that stuff doesn't work, right, Dad?

- [slurping

both: Phew.

Time to watch the movie!

[dramatic music]

[grunts]

- And our favorite seats are empty!

[farty heroic music]

[both grunting]

[both laugh]

- Mermaid Worm Girl, I think I love you.

- Oh, yeah? Prove it.

Muah, muah!

Muah, muah, muah! - Oh.

- Why, that's just a mask!

All: [gasps]

- You're not really Mermaid Worm Girl.

- Oh? - What?

Oh, man, we're missing major plot twists!

- This guy should take his stupid hat off!

- How's this for a plot twist? [dramatic music]

Get back to work!

- [stammering] But we did everything!

- We've been good ushers and we wanna watch the movie!

- Ushers should be ushering.

- Whoa! - [yelps]

[growls]

- Oh! Both: Excuse us.

Oh!

[zany music]

[whimpering]

- Running away from your responsibilities?

You two should be gluing the half-eaten food back together!

Both: [whimpering]

- Halt, evil doer,

or face the wrath of Mermaid Worm.

The utter stupidity of these pathetic,

small-minded simpletons is not for you to exploit.

Both: [gasp] We're pathetic!

- Hey! You keep out of this, movie!

And you two,

what do you think I'm not paying you for?

[both grunt]

[audience gasps]

- [groans]

where did those two hooligans go?

- Ahem. - Huh?

- I said, ahem!

Mermaid Worm and Barnacle Barnacle!

I've never seen you before.

- [chatters]

- Yes, Barnacle Barnacle, that makes sense.

He must be a bad guy!

- What?

Why is the boss always the bad guy?

[screams]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Got any candy bars, Mom?

- Ooh, check my armpits.

- Does anyone have a plate of spaghetti?

Ooh. Mmm.

- Hey! No outside food in the theater!

[yelping]

[screams]

[grunts]

- The end!

- That was pretty good.

What did you think, Bubble Bass?

[rats squeaking]

- The ending felt random.

[bright music]

[music winds down]

- [grunts]

- All right, that's a wrap on the intro!

- [grunts]

Science.

It's all about matter and energy.

So if something is the matter with you,

fix your energy with crystals!

Hey, you're just a rock.

- I'm doing my best.

- Well, do it somewhere else. [grunts]

- A six-leaf sea clover?

Talk about a scientific anomaly.

Ow!

[whimpers, yelps]

Doggone!

My pseudoscience detector is going nuts.

[arm whirs, dings]

[gasps]

And it's coming from the Star family house!

- Patrick's selling crystals again.

- I should've figured. He's as dense as a rock.

- Hey. I resemble that remark.

- We now return to one of my favorite scientifical topics:

astronomy!

If you've ever thought,

"coming up with my own personality is too hard,"

you're gonna love this!

This sea horsey man is called "Saggy Terry."

If you were born on a Tuesday in Jan-tember,

Saggy Terry says you'll be very unlucky

unless you order Patrick Star's Scientific Guide to Astronomy.

Order now and we'll throw in this free healing crystal!

- Hot diggity!

I can cancel my doctor's appointment!

- Hush your pie hole, Patrick!

That's not astronomy.

- Huh?

- It's astrology.

And astrology ain't scientific.

You can't go spouting off any old cockamamie thing

and call it science.

- Well, but I have a lab coat.

- No, no. No pseudoscience.

- [hisses]

- All right, kids, Sandy's here,

so get ready for some genuine real science!

- Uh...

- Say, Patrick, have you ever wondered how a radio works?

- Ooh, ooh, ooh! No.

- Okay.

Well, wouldn't it be neat if we could look inside

and see how it works?

- Yeah!

[grunts]

- Ah! You pulverized my radio!

- Where are all the elves that play the instruments?

[screams]

- No pseudoscience! No!

- Uh...

- Take two.

All right, Patrick,

you ready to see something you've never seen before?

- Hey, I have seen this before.

The TV is showing my lunch.

- Oh, Patrick, that's not a TV.

It's an X-ray of your insides.

- [gasps] That's inside me right now?

[laughs]

[grunting]

- What in tarnation is he doing in there?

- Pizza!

Ah.

Ooh, more pizza!

Ah... ooh!

- What the...

kids, I don't know how he's doing this,

but that is absolutely not how the digestive system works.

All right, Patrick,

time for a real easy experiment:

the volcano!

And we're fixin' to make it erupt

with a chemical reaction

derived from baking soda and vinegar.

- So that's how volcanoes work.

- [chuckles] It's not a real volcano.

It's a model.

- Nuh-uh. This is a model.

- Pose. [camera shutter clicks]

- Here, you need to add

precisely one teaspoon of baking soda.

- One tea-spork of baking dust. - [whimpers]

- Get ready to learn!

[dramatic music]

- [grunts] Oww.

- And now for our next real science topic...

- Status, uh, eel...

- Static electricity.

GrandPat Star will demonstrate

how to build up a static charge by shuffling his feet.

- [grunting] - Just keep at it

and we'll check back in on you in a little bit.

- [laughs] I'll give it the ol' sawtucket shuffle!

- For our next real experiment,

we'll demonstrate that plants can hear.

- Wait, what?

- We played this specimen only classical music,

and look how it has affected its growth.

He's even devising a theorem for Neptune's Paradox.

[music winds down]

- Pardon me.

[rock music playing]

- We played this one punk rock.

Whoo! Now it refuses to clean its room

and keeps talking about "fighting the man."

And this is our control group.

We don't play it music at all.

- Oh, well, here's something that's not music.

Squidward! - [grunts, groans]

- Oh, Patrick, I don't know.

- Oh, it's no trouble.

I love playing for an audience

that can't walk away. - [whimpers]

[off-tune clarinet music]

♪ ♪

- Creepin' kudzu, look at it grow!

I guess the plant likes it.

- [growls, blubbers]

- Or not. [gasps]

- [screams]

- Ooh, hey, look, this crystal ball said that would happen.

Space.

In the vast biggy-ness of our universe

lie billions and billions of dots.

Some dots are small.

- [shrieks]

- Some dots are loud.

And this dot has its own donut.

- Captain, there's an anomaly with the planet Saturn.

- Put it on display, Pat-Tron.

Oh, no.

It's a Celestial Patrick, Devourer of Worlds.

Battle stations, Pat-Tron!

That gastric giant must be stopped.

Charge capacitors. Raise shields.

Engage ion thrusters. - Ooh, a sprinkle.

- Battle down the hyperdrive. - Ahh.

[metal creaking]

- This ain't science. It's barely science fiction.

[dramatic music]

[rocket whooshing]

♪ ♪

Patrick!

- Aww, are you gonna spray me again?

- I want to, but there's no water in space.

[arm whirs]

- No water? Uh-oh.

[grunts]

[ding]

And that is how a star is made.

Isn't astrology fascinating?

Aww, man. I'm doing it again, aren't I?

- Mm-hmm.

- [whimpers] - What the?

What in tarnation is going on?

- Mm-hmm. Work it, work it, work it.

- Oh, no! We forgot about GrandPat!

He done got static supercharged.

- [cackling]

[grunts]

[laughing]

Cower before me, Bikini Bottom!

[laughs]

Witness my unlimited power! [grunts]

- We gotta fight electricity with electricity.

[grunting]

♪ ♪

[electricity whirring]

- [yelps] - Did it work?

♪ ♪

[energy whirring]

[heroic music]

- Go get 'em, Patrick. [grunts]

[dramatic music]

- That will be enough, GrandPat.

- Eh! Go suck an egg!

- I see.

Well, I guess I'll solve this through the process of...

elimination!

- [whimpers] Oh!

[grunting]

- Feel the weight of the evidence.

- [cackling]

- Missed me. Huh?

- Oh. [chuckles]

Pardon me. I'll just be going.

[screams]

- Surprise! [laughs]

- [farts]

♪ ♪

- [laughs] My leg!

My leg!

- Oh, rats. I forgot to charge my phone.

[babbles]

Go for Slappy.

- [grunting]

- Uh-oh.

[screams]

- Patrick! Are y'all okay?

- Just taking a little super power nap.

- [laughs]

[bus horn honks]

♪ ♪

Hey, Patrick, wanna learn about gravity?

[cackles]

- Talk about a failed experiment.

- Ooh, this day is turning out

just like my horoscope predicted.

- Horoscope?

But that's...

[grunts]

- [laughs] Huh?

- Yes, Patrick.

It's pseudoscience.

- Strudel science.

- Eh, close enough.

- [babbling]

[electricity crackling]

[screams]

- Wow, Sandy, we did it!

We used science to stop him and save the day.

[metal thunks]

- Ha! You didn't stop me!

Nothing can stop... [crystal clanks]

[babbles]

- Gee, I reckon pseudoscience is good for something after all.

So if you've released a super villain

due to your own scientific negligence,

try out our latest assortment of gems and essential oils!

They're great for bonkin', bashin', and smashin.

When science attacks, they're sure to be a knockout!

- Call now and we'll throw in other heavy objects!

[phone rings] - Yes, hello?

I'll take your heaviest object.

[crystal tinkles]

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