Original subtitles

Hey, come on, you guys.

Middlebury College, 1969, the year of walking on the moon,

Yellow Submarine, and Woodstock.

Also the year that Pope Paul VI eliminated 200 saints,

all men, and I, along with my three best friends,

graduated from college.

Where's Cynthia? We have to get going, don't we?

I mean, shouldn't we?

Calm and collected, Annie.

She said she had a surprise.

How is this? Is this heaven?

Elise, you are so gorgeous.

Really. Oh, my. It's lovely.

It's solid.

- Oh, girls. - Cynthia.

Here. Open. Put them on.

- Oh. - Oh, my God.

- What is it? - Oh, my God.

Oh, no. You shouldn't have done this. It's too much.

I don't think so. I think it's just enough.

You can all write me nice notes, but right now, we need a toast.

- Got it. - Pour, pour. It's picture time.

Champagne. From my folks.

To Annie, Elise, and Brenda.

And Cynthia. I mean, our valedictorian.

All right, we are all bound together now and forever by friendship and love.

And jewelry.

And we are always, always going to be there for each other.

Got it.

Oh, God, I'm gonna cry.

Here we go.

And for the rest of our lives.

- One, two, three. - All right.

- How's my hair? - It's good.

- Mrs. Cynthia? - Teresa.

I want you to have these.

- No, no. - Yes, yes, yes.

- I cannot take... - No, no, no, no, no.

You just think of it as a raise, okay?

Thank you.

Now, you take the rest of the day off. Go on.

Thank you, dear.

Oh, Teresa, would you mind mailing these for me?

Sure.

Of the four of us,

Cynthia was certainly the most likely to succeed.

When she decided to do something, she just went right ahead and did it.

Hello, Roachie. Hello, honey.

It's Mommy. Mommy's home. Oh, gosh, think we got any messages?

What do you think?

Annie, dear, it's your mother.

It's 6:00 a.m. Please call me urgently.

Oh, Chris, oh, God.

Honey, I thought you were going to campus yesterday.

Well, my morning classes were canceled,

so I decided to stay over.

Where were you last night?

I was, you know, I was at a friend's.

You were with that man again, weren't you?

- Mother, I'm so disappointed. - I know, sweetie. I'm sorry,

- but he is your father. - Yes, but he's using you,

- and you shouldn't let him. - Oh, Chris, it's not that simple.

The truth of the matter is that

I love your father, and I'm sure that he loves me.

- You're a doormat! - What's the matter with you?

Why are you so crabby today, honey? Is it school?

I know what it is. It's a boy.

- I'm a lesbian, Mom. - What?

I'm a lesbian, but that's not the issue here.

Well, sweetie, when you say lesbian...

And don't tell Daddy.

I want to tell him myself when the time is right,

like Father's Day,

- or Christmas morning. - Chris.

Oh, thank God you're all right.

Where were you? Who saw you?

- Who saw me what? - She was sleeping with Daddy.

Oh, muffin, you've come to your senses.

I'm so happy.

Mother, I am not sleeping with Aaron.

He's just having some problems with his partners.

He's feeling very conflicted, and he needed somebody to talk to.

- Doormat. - Lesbian.

Do it, Morris. Do it to me now.

I need it.

You're the only one who does it the way I like it.

You're the king.

Elise, if I give you any more collagen,

your lips are gonna look like they got stuck in a pool drain.

Morris, I haven't worked in 18 months,

and I have a meeting with a director for a part that I would kill for,

- and I have to look sexy. - Elise, you are sexy.

Look. Look at yourself.

You're incredible. You're my masterpiece.

- There's not one line on your face. - Oh, really? Well, what do you call that?

And these? What are these?

You're 45.

You know, if I give you one more facelift,

you're gonna be able to blink your lips.

I mean, don't you want to be able to play parts your own age?

My own age? No, no. You don't understand.

There are only three ages for women in Hollywood,

babe, district attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy.

And right now, I wanna be young. Science-fiction young.

Oh, oh, this is good.

And while you're at it, you might think about cutting down on the booze.

Look, Elise, I... I know you're upset about the divorce.

- Upset? - I know you're upset about Bill's movie.

This is not about him. This is about my lips.

Okay, now look at me. I want Tina Turner.

I want Jagger.

Fill them up.

No, really? This is fabulous news.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Jason.

Honey. Yoo-hoo.

Burning Sensation just confirmed.

- Jason! - What?

Burning Sensation confirmed. I got the band you wanted.

Cool.

Affection.

Give me that.

- What is this? - Hebrew.

Your bar mitzvah is in three weeks.

It's the one thing your father is willing to pay for.

Learn it.

- But, Mom... - Don't "But, Mom" me.

Please learn it. Don't shame me in the synagogue.

And hurry up. It's time for school.

This separation between you and Aaron is absurd.

How are you going to work things out if you're not together?

Well, we're practically together, Mother. We're both seeing the same therapist.

- Come on. - What?

Roach, come on, go. Her name is Dr. Leslie Rosen,

and I think she's just incredible, Mother.

She's helping Aaron with his commitment issues.

We're working on my self-esteem.

Roach, honey, please.

You are married. You have a daughter.

You're very happy. You don't need self-esteem.

Mother...

Dr. Rosen says that...

Well, she says you're very controlling, Mom.

Me, controlling? Oh, that is ridiculous.

- Mother, I... - Roach, go.

Well, what if I found somebody else, Mother?

I mean, it's possible, maybe.

Oh, honey, you're 46.

Well, yes, but...

A woman your age has a better chance of being slaughtered by a psychopath.

Oh, okay.

Cynthia Swann Griffin is dead. The former wife of Wall Street wizard...

- Didn't you go to school with her? - Mother.

...suicide leap from her fashionable penthouse apartment.

Mrs. Griffin had recently divorced her longtime husband Gilbert Griffin.

The Wall Street baron and philanthropist remarried only yesterday.

- Morning, Mohammed. - Morning, Miss Eliot.

Elise.

Gunilla.

- Oh, God, what a tragedy. - Poor Cynthia.

And your lips.

Elise Eliot arrived with Gunilla Garson Goldberg,

the queen of New York society.

Look.

Nobody gets anywhere in this town without Gunilla's say-so.

Hey.

Hey.

Elise.

She looks wonderful. Has she had any work done?

Honey, she's a quilt.

Then came Cynthia's former husband, Gilbert Griffin,

a man made rich by his first wife's connections

and now made happy by his second wife's youthful good looks.

The vampire Lestat and Louis.

What a nerve. He should be hanging his head.

You don't know what Gil is feeling right now.

I knew you'd be here.

- Alice? - No. Annie.

Annie.

It's so wonderful to see you.

Oh, and you're wearing our pearls.

- Yes. - I know.

Hi. Brenda. Brenda Morelli.

- Brenda. - Annie.

- Remember me? - It's so good to see you again.

- You, too. - Oh, you look wonderful.

You do, too. You look just uncanny.

Thank you.

Dear, sweet, funny, yearning Brenda.

What?

Oh, that's just a bitch.

Oh, I hate that guy.

I know this is gonna really sound horrible

after... But I would really... I just...

- I'd love to... - Lunch?

Oh, no. I know. You're right. It's not right. It's just...

Why? We gotta eat.

I have a car.

- A limo? - Yeah.

- Oh, it is so wonderful seeing you all. - Thank you.

I can't tell you. It's... It's...

- Elise. - What?

You have not changed a bit in 20 years,

not one little bit.

- Oh, my... - It's utterly bizarre.

- Brenda. - Oh, excuse me, I'm so sorry.

Excuse me, ladies, would anyone like a drink?

Oh, yes, I would like a Virgin Mary.

- Bloody Mary. - Vodka, rocks, please.

Now, I just want to say this, and get this out of the way.

I'm the most terrible person in the whole wide world.

I tried to stay in touch,

and I should have written every single month,

- but all I... - Oh, no.

Oh, Annie, you had a life to lead.

I mean, and it must have been So time-consuming

churning out all those newsletters.

I know it's a terrible excuse for a reunion, but here we all are.

So how are you guys, huh?

Oh, just fine. Couldn't be better.

And things are just rolling right along for me. Right here.

Same here. Knock wood.

- Oh, knock wood. - Cheers.

- Great to see you guys again. - Cheers. Huge kisses.

I mean, why'd she do it? I don't understand.

I mean, was there something that I could have done to have helped?

What happened to make her want to...

Well, she probably gave Gil the best years of her life,

sacrificed her youth,

always put herself last in order to bolster his ego, his drive, his ambition.

And just as her dignity was hanging on by a thread,

he just lopped it off by running off with some preschooler.

I'm guessing.

Elise, you, too?

- You, Brenda? - Brenda?

My Morty got to be this big shot on TV, he was selling electronics, right?

On our 20th wedding anniversary, it hits. Midlife crisis. Major.

He starts working out. He grows a mustache. He gets an earring.

I said, "Morty, Morty, what are you, a pirate?

"What's next, a parrot?”

And all of a sudden I'm a big drag.

I'm holding him back because I won't go rollerblading.

What's her name?

Shelly. Shelly the barracuda.

She's 12.

Oh, Bren. Oh, Elise.

You know, I just am so sorry about both of your marriages.

I wish that I could've helped,

or that I could've been there in some way.

- What about you? - Me?

- What about your marriage? - Yeah.

Oh, everything's just fine, really. I mean, Aaron is so terrific,

and well, now, let's think, we've been married for 25 years.

And Chris is just perfect. I mean, lesbians are great nowadays.

And, well, the marriage is just, it's going...

It's gonna be really fine.

Aaron and I are just, you know, we're...

We're temporarily sort of, kind of, you know, just a little bit...

We're separated.

Separated?

Separated?

Separated.

Well, we...

Well.

Well.

Okay, Elise, the time has come. Spill.

Those lips. What's in them? Are they wax?

- Excuse me? - What else did you have done?

Come on, Elise. You can tell me. The cheekbones? The jawline?

Did you just have a little bit, or the full enchilada?

I work out every day. I watch my diet.

I have not had plastic surgery.

Well, good for you. You look terrific.

Oh, come on. Elise, you're lying through your caps.

Okay. All right. I have been freshened up a little bit.

- Oh, God. Does it hurt? - No.

What do they do with the stuff they take off?

Do you get to keep it?

Oh, come on, Brenda. It's the '90s, for God's sakes.

I mean, it's like plastic surgery's like good grooming.

It's like brushing your teeth.

Elise, look at you.

You have been yanked and stitched and stuffed and pulled.

- You're a turkey. - A what?

And to please who, your ex-husband?

No. To please everybody. To please everybody.

Everybody.

- Men, women... - Everyone.

Studio executives. I mean, come on. I mean, youth and beauty, man.

I mean, that's the ticket.

When men... No, when women get to be a certain age...

Bye-bye, love. Hello, pop tarts.

That's right, baby. It's a holocaust.

Oh, God, I wish I had the courage to just give it all up, you know?

To say, who gives a rat's ass? And just let myself go like you two did.

Oh, no. No offense.

None taken.

Oh, speak for yourself, okay?

Elise, you're gifted. You're talented and successful.

Thank you.

And, Brenda, you're wonderfully verbal.

And I am seeing a very talented therapist.

Now, we're in our prime.

And by the way,

my marriage is just fine, thank you.

Annie,

you

have an amazing attitude.

- You, you... - Well...

- You are so cheerful. - Well...

- You are... Look at me. - What?

You are genuinely happy.

It's a beautiful thing.

Well, thank you.

Lithium?

You would have been so proud of me, Leslie.

I mean, I was the only positive thing at that table.

I mean, of course, there are still traces of the same wonderful witty women

I knew all those years ago, but I don't know.

I just don't know. They're just so angry and they're so confused.

I mean, when we were young, we had such spirit.

- Say it, Annie. - What?

Work from love.

Okay.

Work from love.

Good. Grow from love.

Grow from love.

Screw the world.

I can't say that. I'm sorry, Leslie.

- Hey, Annie. - What?

- Annie, you are still doing it. - I know.

You have a problem with unexpressed anger.

Well, I know. You're absolutely right. You know, it's my...

I don't know what it is. It's my mother. It's Connecticut.

- It's all these loud noises. - And Aaron?

No, I know we're separated, but I think this is just really...

It's like a rest period, Leslie. We're just kind of getting...

Do it, Annie. Get angry.

I couldn't. I know that I should, Leslie. I really do. It's just that...

- Hit me. Stand up, Annie, and hit me. - No. I...

I can't, Leslie. I'm so sorry.

- Come on. - It's just, you know, maybe...

I know what. Maybe next week.

Annie, let it out. I want you to hit me. Trust me. Come on. It's okay.

Okay.

Oh, Rambo. A real tough guy.

Come on, Annie, hit me.

I loved that.

- Oh, my God. - That was better.

I'm so sorry. Oh, please don't tell Aaron.

- Time's up. - I'm so sorry.

It's time to go. Do you feel better?

- Thank you. - Good.

He doesn't have the guts to tell me he wants a divorce in person.

I have to hear it on television. Entertainment Tonight. Hard Copy.

- Elise, be cool. Be calm. - I am.

I actually saw that show. It was really rather interesting.

Oh, Tom, I don't wanna hear about it.

The marriage between my client and Ms. Eliot

resulted in many successful films,

including Inner Urges, Human Instinct,

and my personal favorite, Animal Nature,

in which she played an extremely sensual veterinarian.

- Thank you. - My idea.

- Was not. - Was too.

My client produced these films, which enhanced Ms. Eliot's career.

Therefore, she is indebted to him.

I produced these films.

You knew nothing about films when I met you.

I taught you everything.

What?

Those were good years, Elise. Your best.

And therefore we request one half of Ms. Eliot's assets

and a monthly stipend.

He wants alimony?

As for the possessions, the sculpture, art...

- The possessions? - ...Japanese porcelain

and important objets collected during the marriage...

- I want to tell you something. - My client feels that it would be

- only fair for Ms. Eliot... - I bought everything.

...to dispose of the collection

and divide the proceeds in an even split.

Because they were anniversary presents, Christmas presents.

I gave him everything he has, and now he wants more?

- Snow, Duarto, this is depressing. - Go faster. We're going to have lunch.

- Snow, Duarto, this is depressing. - Go faster. We're going to have lunch.

Oh, now, look at this. Duarto, I ask you.

Please. Now, who's supposed to wear that?

Some anorexic teenager? Some fetus? It's a conspiracy. I know it is.

I've had enough. I'm leading a protest.

I am never buying another item of clothing

until these designers come to their senses.

- Will you shut up? - No, I'm not buying...

Brenda worked for a man named Duarto Feliz,

one of the 10 worst interior decorators in New York City.

I think his real name was Dwayne Hemmelwitz.

Look at this. It's electric.

- Oh, God. - And look at this hideous...

Duarto, I cannot afford it.

No, but you've got to have it. Go and try it on.

Who cares? You could sell your brooch, your son...

Duarto.

Morty. Well, look at you.

- Brenda, don't embarrass me. - You look prosperous.

- Don't embarrass you? - Don't make a scene.

- Don't make a scene? - Do not make a scene.

Don't embarrass you? You've got a nerve.

- I'll tell you what's embarrassing. - Keep your voice down.

- Being hassled by Mr. Zaworsky... - You're in a public place here.

...in the elevator because I'm behind in the rent.

Brenda, control yourself, all right?

That's embarrassing.

Worrying about how I'm gonna get my kid through college.

That's embarrassing!

Brenda, you know something? You never listen.

For 20 years, you never, ever listened.

Here. Honey, why don't you try this on in the fitting room?

- It looks very nice. - You know, I could use this.

It's very beautiful and I love the color.

But what am I gonna use for money? How am I gonna pay for it?

It's the company that is expanding. Don't you understand that?

The company, not me. I'm a mere laborer, okay?

- You're a liar and a fraud! - I have no money. I'm not rich.

- Really? - No.

- Why don't you look in your purse? - Oh, you're very funny.

They're stunning, Morton. I need all of them.

Morton?

Oh, God, make it go away.

Shelly. Look at you.

My, my, the bulimia certainly has paid off.

- Don't start. Do not... - What's the matter, Morty?

- Can't you buy her a whole dress? - Stop it.

Brenda, why don't you try these on in your size?

It was really a delight running into you today, Brenda.

You've read the script.

Oh, yes. Oh, it is so... I mean, it's utterly original.

It's so good. You're so gifted, Brett.

And Monique... Monique. Yeah. C'est Monique.

She is a great character.

Thank you. Man, what a kick.

- Yeah. - Elise Eliot in a Brett Artounian film.

So tell me, how do you see her?

Well, I think we go for grotesque.

- What? - Yeah, all the way.

I mean, no makeup, overhead lighting.

You know, bring out every wrinkle, every crag.

God, with you in the part, Monique's mother's not gonna be

just another Jurassic fleshbag in a wheelchair.

She's epic. It's like...

Elise Eliot, the Crypt Keeper.

Wow.

Mom, I'm spending the night at Dad's. Don't worry, I'm studying.

Happy now?

Maurice.

- I want another one. - Certainly, madam.

They want me to play the mother.

Sorry?

The mother.

Let me ask you something, Maurice.

Is this the face of a mother?

No, ma'am. Well, certainly not mine.

So I thought.

I don't mean to criticize, but you have no feeling for noodles.

Thank you, Mom.

Hello. Oh, Aaron?

Oh, nothing. I'm just having pasta with Mother.

Oh, no. You say. Oh, sure! That'll be good.

Bye.

Do you believe it? We're gonna have dinner!

Dinner! Can you believe that? Oh, my God!

Do you know what this means? I bet it means that he has reprioritized.

He's worked through all of his relationship phobias,

his fear of intimacy,

his thing about my, you know, poisoning his food,

and he's ready to recommit.

- Here we go. - Thank you.

- Enjoy. - Thank you.

Excuse me. So sorry. Excuse me. Sorry.

By yourself?

- How are you? - Hello.

- Give me that. - Oh, thank you.

- You want to... - Oh, sure.

- I'm not Monique's mother! - No.

Angela Lansbury is Monique's mother.

And Shelley Winters is Monique's mother.

Now, that's good.

Sean Connery is Monique's mother.

Yeah. Perhaps I should get you some coffee.

Oh, wait a minute. I take that back. Sean Connery is Monique's boyfriend.

He's 300 years old, but he's still a stud.

I'm unhappy, Maurice.

And I'm going to get you that coffee.

Oh, honey. I think I should go.

Okay. I know.

Tomorrow, we could start moving your things back in.

I mean, if that's okay. It's just...

Oh, sweetie, I hated seeing your side of the closet all empty.

You know, Dr. Rosen, she would be so proud of us.

I wish she were here. Well, not literally,

but I just can't wait to tell her how we've worked everything out.

It's like we should get therapy gold stars.

Oh, Annie.

I love you.

No, come here. Come here.

Yes?

Aaron. Aaron. Aaron, Aaron. I love you.

I want a divorce.

- But... - Calm. Stay calm.

But we just made love! I mean, you asked me out!

I asked you out to tell you, but then you looked so great,

and I thought, jeez, how romantic. One last time, a goodbye kiss.

But... But this wasn't just a kiss! This was...

Annie, don't be childish! You know how you manipulate me.

- What? Manipulate! I... - Don't.

Oh, my God. Is there someone else?

Of course not. This is about us.

- But... - It's... Well, it's really not you, but...

Babe?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

This is very awkward.

No, no, no, no. Annie was just leaving.

- You told her? - I was totally up-front.

What? Excuse me?

- Well... - Annie, this is rough. I know that.

Rough! Wait a minute. I don't understand. You are my therapist.

- I'm a woman. - He is my husband.

Annie! We've been separated for months.

Now, let's not over-dramatize, okay?

Aaron, she's allowed to be angry. Annie, let's use this.

He's found someone new. You are free. Closure.

I am sorry, but that is not what this is.

- Well, Annie... - No!

No, no, Annie, you are not helping us out here.

- Now, I am sorry it happened this way. - Well, so am I!

I am very sorry I ever met you!

And I am sorry that I allowed myself to love you for all those years!

I'm sorry I did nothing but be there for you every minute of every day

and support you in your every move!

I'm sorry!

Oh, my God.

"I wish I had talent like Elise

"or Brenda's humor

"or your strength, Annie.

"But most of all, I wish [ still had our friendship.

"Perhaps Gil isn't the problem."

Oh, God.

"Perhaps loneliness is.

"Please take care of each other. Love, Cynthia."

And on such pretty stationery.

I have to make some calls, Mom.

- God. Poor Cynthia. - I know.

If only she'd have called me. If only I were listed.

You know something? She was right. She was.

In college, we were focused, and we were brave. We couldn't wait.

It's all over. I'm alone. I don't have anything.

- No. - I don't have anything.

Brenda, you have a son who adores you.

I'm alone. I'm Monique's mother.

Yes, but Jason's going to go off to college pretty soon,

and then I'll be even more alone, plus I'll be really a lot older, okay?

And if I have any more plastic surgery, I won't be able to sleep.

I'm going to have to get a job at McDonald's.

And I'll have to do ads for adult diapers.

- I'll have to wear them. - No.

I just spent the last 25 years

with the most self-absorbed, arrogant man on earth,

who is getting married to my therapist,

who I paid a fortune to lecture me on self-esteem.

- Oh, God, where's the life? - You win hands down.

Well, I am not gonna be that woman anymore, you guys.

What has happened to us is unacceptable!

It is unacceptable. You know, I made all those stupid movies with that Bill.

- I gave him a career, and he stole mine. - Yeah!

I worked behind the cash register in his first store.

In his first 15 stores!

Yeah. Well, I gave Aaron a home, and I gave him a daughter.

I washed his shorts, I ironed them, and I starched them!

- Oh, you did? - You did?

Yeah, well, I mean, I supervised.

So what are we saying? What do we want, revenge?

No! We are not talking about revenge. No. I am talking about justice.

I'm gonna give that Aaron so much justice, he can't even see straight!

If he thinks his partners are trouble...

- Yeah, well, Bill's always had it easy. - That's right.

That's right. Let me tell you something. Bill's had it easy every inch of the way.

Every inch of the way, he's had a woman taking care of him.

Yeah. And what would happen one day if he didn't?

Okay, what do you think, Brenda, huh?

- What do you think about that? - Yeah. What do you think?

- I love Morty. - What?

Very deeply.

I wouldn't want to see him hurt or harmed.

You don't?

I want him dumped! By Little Miss Midriff.

By that Stairmastered, L'Orealed crotch jockey.

In front of everyone in the Western Hemisphere.

- On the 6:00 news, okay? - Brenda!

And after that, of course, I want world peace.

All right, all right.

Let's get serious. We helped them rise. We can help them fall.

Oh, but how? I don't know how we're gonna do that.

- How? - What do you mean?

You know, she's right. We're has-beens.

We're hanging on by a thread. We're just discards.

We're not hanging on by a thread and we're discards!

Look at us! By being together... Us! Unity!

I mean, if all the first wives of the world got together,

what else do we need?

Just one amazing attorney.

No, no! All we need is us.

Three women who aren't afraid to fight, to stand up for our dignity, huh?

For our self-esteem! And then we'll let them have it.

- Okay. Okay. See this? Look. - What?

- Wait. Right here. Okay? - Okay.

You see this? Put it in there.

All right. First Wives Club will come to order.

Starting the club was easy.

Figuring out what to do next was considerably harder.

We each decided to gather information about our husbands.

Elise. Elise.

Yeah?

I went in search of a spy.

But why? Why can't we just call Chris and ask her to help us?

I want her to know that I support her completely in her, you know, lifestyle.

Hey, I've never been to a gay bar before!

- Oh, my God! - This is so exciting.

Here we go! Hi! I think you're just... You're terrific!

There you go.

- Oh, yeah. - That's good.

Oh, my!

Look at this! My God! Isn't this great? All these women!

Yeah. Maybe we'll get lucky.

Elise Eliot! Right? I mean, like, from the movies!

Yeah...

I knew you were gay! I told everyone. I said, Elise Eliot is so hot.

You are, like, the most amazing babe on this planet.

God bless you!

Yeah? Say, do you want to dance?

Oh, yeah.

- Hi, sweetie. Hello! - Mom.

Mom! Mom.

- Hi, honey. - Hi!

Thought I'd just come and have a little...

- Yeah, what? What's the matter? - She's a...

Anyway, I thought we could have a nice little chat about our plans.

Mom. Mom, you know you're in a gay bar?

I know, honey, I know, and that's what's so great.

It's very woman-identified and...

Oh, by the way, I'm Chris's mom.

Are you gay?

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

What's wrong?

It's my lover. She left me after 18 years

for some teenager who weighs 12 pounds.

I don't know what I'm gonna do!

Oh, my God! That's just like me and Morty!

- Who? - Morty.

She's butch.

Nail Daddy and those other lowlifes?

No, Chris, I don't mean nail them.

I mean just teach them and help them.

Vaporize them.

Yeah. Sure.

- Yes! Yes! Yes! Of course! - Okay.

- I'm in. I'm really in! - I'll be right back.

Hey, pardon me. Oh, damn it!

Oh. Elise!

Oh, Elise! Chris is in! Can you believe it?

- Mission accomplished. We'd better go. - Yeah, come on.

Hey, hey, hey. She's staying.

She's with me, babe. Come on, honey. My place.

Brenda, you're so possessive!

Bye!

I don't know. It's just something I was thinking about,

you know, for my resume.

It wouldn't interfere with school. Just something part-time till I graduate.

Come on, Dad. How about a little nepotism?

No, no. I'll hire you. I'm just...

I'm surprised. I mean, you...

You've never shown any interest in advertising.

I know, Daddy. I'm here to learn.

Great. That's great.

For her part, Elise decided to pull the rug out from under Bill. Literally.

After all, it was his lawyer's idea that she dispose of their common property.

Miss Eliot, you know how he hates to be interrupted.

Please just let me tell him that you're here?

Miss Eliot? Please? Please?

Oh, yeah.

Elise! What a kick. But I'm on with the coast.

All the good stuff goes.

The Lempicka, the Ming vase, Imari porcelain,

the Fabergé eggs, that wing back chair,

that green Tiffany lamp.

Babe. Lisey. What's going on?

Well, as per your request, I'm consolidating all the assets

we've acquired during our marriage for liquidation.

I think that would include all of these things.

I bought you these antiques.

You are the best.

Love tokens. Anniversary gifts. Junk! Here, take that desk, too.

Elise. This hurts me. I care about you, about us, about the magic.

What exactly is going on here?

And this Japanese secretary. I want that to go.

Back off, Jacko! Elise, this isn't right. It's hormonal. You can't do this!

- Watch me. - But this is my stuff!

It's the '90s, Bill. Downsize.

It was at Jason's bar mitzvah two weeks later

that the First Wives Club got its first big break,

thanks to Brenda's dear, dear Sicilian uncle.

Who's he?

That's Uncle Carmine. My father's side.

Morty and I have been planning for this day since Jason was born.

I know, but Morty's going to be here, Brenda.

But not next to me. We're not a family anymore.

- Well. - It's okay. I'll be fine. I'll be fine.

Excuse me.

What?

He brought her to my son's bar mitzvah.

Is she a gift?

Brenda, can I speak freely?

Oh, sure. Annie's cool.

I speak for the entire family

and your dear departed father, my beloved brother,

when I say that Morty is garbage.

And it would be an honor to me to take him out.

No. No. Uncle Carmine, no. Don't you dare.

Morty, the garbage, is my problem. I'll work it out myself somehow.

Thanks. Thanks for the thought anyway, though.

Oh, my angel.

For Morty to treat you this way after everything your father did for him.

Where would he be without him?

You know, the first year of his business,

every piece of stock in his store fell off one of our trucks.

- You're not... You're not serious. - Really? Are you serious?

Oh, we were happy to help. You were newlyweds.

Morty? A crook? My Morty?

Check his books. They're fiction. Bestsellers.

- Ciao. - Ciao.

Bye.

I really liked your uncle.

Mother! Mother! Where are you?

Over here, bitch.

Mother, I met a man. He's an angel. He's a god! He's a doctor!

That's perfect.

Wait. So, I really have the part?

Oh, baby, you know it.

Pizza!

Oh, my God!

Elise!

There's the Lichtenstein.

What the hell are you doing here? Hey!

The Dine. Take that.

- This is so cool! - All of this gym equipment.

Elise, I'm getting a restraining order.

No, Bill, this is great!

Elise, hi. I'm Phoebe. I've seen all your movies,

and I want to be just like you. Only me.

Phoebe, some advice. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Phoeb, she's bitter.

And take the cappuccino machine.

Oh! Bill! I have a great idea.

Wouldn't she be great to play opposite me?

Bill is producing this new incredible movie

with this young, hot director, and I'm gonna be the star of it.

I'm Monique.

- What? - And you can be my mom!

While Elise cleaned out Bill's office,

his loft, and their house in the Hamptons,

Brenda and I looked for an office, a base of operation for the club.

- Whoa! Hi! - Hi!

- Hi, Elise. - Hi.

Come on in. Come on in. Come on in.

I just love what you've done with this. It's early everything, huh?

Oh, my goodness, look at this!

Know what it says? It says, "I beat Meryl."

It does not, Brenda! Put that down.

- Is there chocolate inside? - No. Put it down.

Okay. Okay.

Put it gently down.

Okay. Look at this. Do you believe this stuff, huh?

No!

I don't know what to do with it. I didn't have any room in my warehouse.

I could've put it in that building I own downtown.

- You own a building? - Yeah, I do. I sublet it, normally,

but now it's vacant.

Come on, let's go on in.

There's a lot of work to be done, and you have to see this other space.

- Look at this. - Okay.

Okay. All right, so, this is perfect.

Oh, my! Girl!

- What do you think? - This is fabulous.

While Brenda and I worked like crazy

gathering every piece of information we could lay our hands on,

Elise spent most of her time on the phone to her agent.

Dan Carlin, please. Elise Eliot calling.

Elise Eliot.

And finally, he came through for her.

This is a great play.

I told her. I told her she had to do it.

I know.

I don't want to do theater. I haven't done theater in years.

And Bill always said I shouldn't do theater.

He did say it was bad for my career, which actually I agree with.

Excuse me, but this is a very great part for you.

This is about a bitter, unloved, emotionally barren woman, desperate...

But that's not me.

It's you!

- Thank you. - Please.

- Hello? - This is Bill. Where's Elise?

It's for you. It's Bill.

- Hello? - Listen to me, you piece of garbage...

Oh, I can't hear you.

I'll sue you! I'll break you! You vindictive sack of silicone!

- That's my car, you piece of plastic! - Oh, these phones...

Oh, darn.

Bill! The Lamborghini!

The Lamborghini.

He's mad.

Elise, can I ask you a question? Look at you. Aren't you frustrated?

You climb and you climb, and you don't get anywhere.

Oh, I love it. It burns off the booze.

And you wanna know something?

I tell you, I get my best ideas when I'm working out.

You? You get ideas?

Well, it clears out my head, you know. I think straight.

Everything just makes sense.

Well, you'd better start thinking,

because we need Morty's books to prove fraud.

- Where do you think they are? - I know where they are.

Morty just bought Shelly a penthouse.

That's where everything is, but we have to figure out how to get in.

- Duarto. - Duarto?

Yeah. Shelly has a new apartment. It needs to be decorated.

She's right. She does get ideas.

Gunilla? I'd adore it!

Gunilla Garson Goldberg personally calling me

to invite me to one of her super social luncheons.

Why?

Gunilla Goldberg was happy to help us with our little plan,

she being a first wife herself.

Indeed, Gunilla was a first, second, third, and fourth wife,

which accounted for her very comfortable surroundings.

This is delicious.

You know, usually I bring my own dressing,

you know, that fat-free ranch stuff, but this is restaurant quality.

- Thank you. - Can I say something?

When I first got your call, I said to Morty...

I said, "This just feels so right. Me and Gunilla."

See, I used to work for Morty.

I was his executive assistant behind the counter.

Of course, he was married to that nightmare then, Brenda.

I mean, completely class-free dumpster woman.

I said to him, "Morty, you've gotta move on and move up."

And now here I am. Taste central.

You know, the moment I saw you,

my first impression was, I thought, "She's someone.

"She's something."

See? That's what I told him. But he doesn't get it.

He doesn't get a lot of things.

Are you finished?

Oh, yeah. I'm done.

Take the fork.

Fork.

You know, all you need to take your place in society

is perhaps a few words of advice, you know, and a guiding hand.

Like, such as what?

Well, you know, the correct florist and the utterly ideal chef.

And, of course, a decorator of death.

See, your house is your calling card. It has to be perfected.

Photographed. Published.

Oh, my God. Can you really help me? I would kill for that.

That's unnecessary. No, just two words. Duarto Feliz.

Now, he is a genius. A gem.

Of course, he's almost impossible to get. He works all the time.

Oh, my God!

There she is. Princess Pelvis.

Gunilla said she went for it.

- Fabulous. - All right. Johnny, let's go.

So, Duarto makes his move, and Shelly falls for it.

Now, let's synchronize our watches.

This is just like Mission: Impossible.

Oh, that was a big hit.

You know, these people are always late.

God, shut up, Morty, and just stay shut. All right?

Take it easy.

Oh, God, what if he doesn't like us? What if he says no?

What're you worried about? Calm down. Go ahead. Answer the bell.

- Quick, fix it, make it better. - Yeah, all right.

- Okay. - Go ahead.

Hello. Please do come in.

It's an honor and beyond.

Gunilla Garson Goldberg informs me that you are my new best friend.

I hope.

Duarto Feliz. May 1?

Oh, please.

Extraordinary.

Interesting little touches everywhere.

What?

That chair is agony.

- Oh, God! Morty, do something. - What do you want me to do?

I don't know. Just cover it up. Just get rid of it.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

That's his chair. I didn't want that chair.

- It's covered. - Thanks ever so much.

- Now then... - Yes?

I feel...

You feel...

Light.

- Get out. - What?

I need to be alone in this space for an hour at least.

It is very delicate. I must bond.

We understand.

I must have total access. What is upstairs?

That's just the office, I mean, le office.

Stay out of le office, okay?

Leave me...

- We understand. - Stay out of the office.

One hour! One hour! Thank you!

Bye-bye.

Girls. Girls! Come on. Hurry.

Oh, my knee, damn it!

We don't have much time.

No. All right, come on.

- Honey, don't worry. Hurry. Don't look. - Come on.

- Let's go. Let's go. - Right in here.

- What's in here? Oh. - Here we go.

- Okay, in here. - Yeah.

Oh, Brenda.

Listen, there's an office upstairs.

There's an office upstairs. Let's go upstairs.

Good girl! Upstairs.

I feel dizzy.

I'm gonna go.

Annie, you check the computer. I'll check the files.

Oh, I need the key. Where's the key?

- Hello. - Ready.

No. Tax... Come on. Tax returns.

What is this stuff?

Got them!

Come on. Hustle, Morty.

Social climbers on the rise.

Oh, God! They're back! They're back! They're back!

- Stall them. - With what? With what?

Make something up. Improvise. Improvise. What's the matter with you?

I've been improvising.

I've got the files. I'm putting the files right in here.

Keep them away from the front door.

I'm clean! I'm clean! I'm clean! I'm clean!

Hello.

Hi. I know you said an hour, but I'm just freezing down there,

and I had to... I just couldn't stay away. Tell me everything.

- How much? - Well, I'll tell you what.

We're going to go look out the living room windows.

Why? Because, I'll tell you why.

Because the windows are the eyes of our room.

- So? - Oh, Duarto.

The valance... The valance is our eyebrows.

- The drapes are our... - I gotta pee.

- Oh, no, you can't. You can't. - Morty.

Where was I? Oh, the drapes, the drapes are the eyelashes...

But I thought you said the window...

What do we do? Where do we go?

- Look. The terrace. Come on. - Okay.

- All right. What do we do now? - All right. All right.

What do we do?

Okay. Okay.

Yeah. We're gonna get into this window-washing thing,

- and we're going down. - Oh, Brenda.

Annie.

Annie. We've gotta go down, honey. That's the only way out.

No, you don't understand. I have a fear of heights.

Quiet.

Come on. You're the new Annie.

Yes, Annie, watch. Watch, Annie, watch.

I'm going in first. I do all my own stunts!

Come on!

Shut up! Shut up!

Give me the controls. Give me the controls!

Oh, dear God! Oh, dear God! I can't stand it!

Gotham is my inspiration.

The white of the snow coating the trees of Central Park,

the yellow of the taxis, the blue... But who cares about blue?

Because no one could ever feel blue

when they see what I'm going to design next.

But who cares about that?

Because we've got something to look at right down here.

- What about the drapes? - The window meeting's over.

It's time to consider the stairs.

- What about that dumb fountain? - Well, I rather like it.

- I'd rather look out the window. - No!

- Jesus! - Oh, my God!

Is that Elise Eliot?

Elise, you look great!

- You look great! - You look great!

Give me the controls!

You wanna go again?

Oh, my God! Just thinking of it.

I have never been so petrified in my life! No. Really, really.

Oh, except for that one time... Oh, never mind, I'm not gonna tell you.

Why not? We're not gonna judge you.

Of course not. Tell us. Say it, say it.

We're your friends. We're your buddies. We love and cherish you.

We would never, ever make fun of you. Ever. Would we, hon?

- No, no. - Okay. All right.

Now, you remember, it was Cynthia's birthday, her 21st, remember?

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, yes.

And her parents rented that big hall.

And we wanted to do something so special for her birthday.

And Elise thought that we should be the entertainment.

We were supposed to sing to her, like a girl group.

Yeah, that's right.

We sang that Lesley Gore song, remember?

We were a big hit. Big hit.

I hated it. I totally hated it.

I was totally terrified in front of all those people.

I'd rather go right up that building and just jump.

But you were wonderful.

But it was for Cynthia.

It was. I remember that.

We were a group. We are a group.

You know, we should do it again. We should sing again.

Let's do it again. I wanna sing.

Why? Why not? Come on, we'll blend. We'll sing with you.

- We'll blend. - Come on. Come on.

Oh, but all of us, all together, real loud, okay?

You're gonna sing with me, all right?

- Okay. We'll never let her down. - Okay. Okay. All right.

To Cynthia. Happy birthday, wherever you are.

- All right. - Okay. Cynthia.

All right. I'm ready.

Yeah. Okay.

- Go. - Pick a note.

You don't

You don't own me

I'm not just one of your many toys

You don't own me

Don't say I can't go with other boys

Ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba da-da-da

And don't tell me what to do

And don't tell me what to say

Don't do that to me! That's just horrible! I hate you for that!

Hi, Mom, it's your little spy at the ad agency.

Look, I can't really talk right now, but have I got news for you.

I think it's time you got back into the advertising business.

Call me.

Bren? Brenda, Annie. Listen to this.

Aaron's partners want to sell their share of the advertising agency.

I mean, if I could... I tell you, I could buy this if I had the money.

Can you imagine? Oh, God. Oh, God, Aaron would die.

Elise, this is Brenda.

Annie needs to make a down payment on an advertising agency.

Any idea where she could get that kind of money?

So Elise sold me all of Bill's things for an extremely reasonable price.

And I, in turn, put it all up for auction.

Your sale has generated a great deal of excitement, Mrs. Paradis.

Well, I'm trying to raise funds for my organization, actually.

However, I must warn you that some lots may fail to sell.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.

...at $380,000 for the Lichtenstein.

$380,000. Selling then. Fair warning at $380,000.

Paddle 372.

$380,000 for that?

Lot 55 is the Louis XVI canape, showing here on my left.

And I have $45,000 on the telephone to start this now.

- Oh, it's gorgeous. - Oh, fabulous. Fabulous.

Absolutely sublime.

It doesn't look very comfy. Morty likes his recliner.

...place now at $48,000. $50,000 at the desk now.

$50,000. $55,000. The lady's bid up front.

Oh, my God! Did you see who bid? That's Elise Eliot!

Oh, yes. She has impeccable taste for an actress.

At $55,000. Fair warning then at $55,000.

Oh, it's a fabulous chaise.

Oh, I don't know.

With that sofa, Architectural Digest. The cover!

- Really? - Oh, you? Guaranteed.

$60,000 this side.

New bidder now at $60,000 and selling that then.

Not yours here, madam. It's $60,000. For you, madam, $60,000.

I got a chaise.

Beautiful.

Okay.

Lot 57, the fine Yung Cheng charger showing here.

And $90,000 to start. $90,000 is bid. Thank you, sir.

At $90,000. $100,000. New bidder now.

$110,000 the lady's bid here now. $110... $115,000.

Thank you, sir. $115,000 now.

- It's cute... - Oh, God, it's sublime.

- Essential. - Oxygen.

$120... $125,000.

125.

In a new place now. $125,000 up front. $130,000.

Oh, that Elise Eliot. She must be very rich.

Show business.

Teach her a lesson. Come on. Come on.

130. Fair warning then. At $130,000.130.

$135,000 at the back! New bidder now at $135,000.

$135,000. Lady's bid at the back.

Hey, who's she? She looks familiar.

It's just someone very, very glamorous.

Probably Eurotrash.

Come on, Shelly, I forbid you to let that plate leave the country.

It's Japanese.

Don't they have enough?

Against you all now. $135,000. The bid is here at the back.

At $135,000...

Lady's bid at the back. $135,000 against you all now.

At $135,000 for this at the back...

Go ahead.

You know, Jackie O had one just like it.

$140,000 up front now! $140,000...

Here again and against you at the back. $140,000. $140,000.

Selling it then for you, madam. Paddle 560.

Thank you. Thank you.

Shelly, what happened here?

$140,000 for a plate?

$47,000 for a carpet, a used carpet?

$300,000 for a Lamborghini! Are you crazy?

I bought the car for you. It was only 300 grand. It was a gift!

With my money you bought it. I bought me the gift.

Jesus, Morty, all I want is a lifestyle, you know?

With some ambiance and some classic, eternal good taste.

But not for $300,000, Shelly!

Well, I can leave if you like.

It's not like you've asked me to marry you.

Would you unzip me?

Thank you.

Shell, I lost my temper. I'm sorry. The Lamborghini is a very good deal.

Hi, Jase. How was the game?

The Knicks lose again.

Oh. Every player on that team's a millionaire. They can't really lose.

What do you think?

That's not new, is it?

It's better than new!

It's the first time I've been able to get into it in three years!

Look at me. I have a waist. I have legs. Who knew?

How's your father? Did you have fun?

Yeah, but don't let that bother you.

Honey, what a thing to say.

Jason, look. I remember what it was like when we were a family.

It was great. But even though we're not together anymore,

you still have both of us.

Come on, Mom, you guys can't even pick out my birthday card

without a lawyer.

Jason, I know you worry about your father.

He's a very good man.

He's a very good, very confused man.

And I know you worry about me.

But you don't have to, because I'm going to be fine.

I'm lightening up, literally. And you know what?

Your father and I, we love you to pieces. Okay?

There. Did I embarrass you enough?

Almost.

You wanna go to a movie? Me and you? Together? In public?

Mom, I'm sorry.

I guess I was just a little freaked out about Dad getting engaged to Shelly.

Oh, well.

Yeah, I can see why that would rip your heart out.

Thanks, Mom.

We gotta nail Bill. We gotta slaughter him.

Right off the face of the planet. Him and that tramp. That infant.

- I need a drink. - Holy Moly, she's loaded.

Brenda, I'm really worried.

You know, she had me look at Bill's records, and the guy's a saint.

He's clean.

He's a saint with a great lawyer, that's all.

- What? - What?

What are you saying, you can't find anything on him?

Well, Elise, I'm really sorry and I'm going to look again.

This isn't fair, man. I mean, you're gonna... You know...

Aaron's just gonna be massacred, Morty's not gonna know what hit him,

and Bill's just gonna walk away with alimony.

Well, we're just going to keep trying, Elise.

Well, you'd better keep trying, because this is my life, okay,

and my money!

What do you know? You don't get it.

You're civilians. I mean, you're just housewives.

- That's it. - No...

You'll never understand. Give me that. Excuse me. Give that back.

I'm saying this to you with love, compassion,

and the spirit of true sisterhood.

You are full of shit!

What?

So, okay, alimony sucks.

Okay, you didn't get to play a policewoman in a Wonderbra.

But look at you. You grew up gorgeous.

And thanks to Cher's pioneering efforts, you still haven't hit puberty.

And once upon a time, you were a terrific actress.

You've even got an Oscar to prove it.

You've spent your whole life with people sucking up to you!

I'm sure Annie will agree with me

when I say your perception of life is somewhat altered.

- What? - Annie, do you agree with her?

Come on!

- I don't... Brenda, she's very upset. - Two pinheads!

- What? - Wait!

Wait a minute! You've got some nerve!

I drink because I am a sensitive and highly-strung person!

No, that's why your co-stars drink.

I am not a drunk!

Oh, really? Let's examine the evidence.

Look! All bottles and gallon jugs!

I had guests!

Who? Guns n' Roses?

Come on, you two. Now, come on now. The enemy is out there, it's not in here.

And I thought we were friends.

- Oh, really? - I thought we were best friends.

Oh, yeah? After all those years? You never called me.

Well, you're unlisted.

And you always gossip behind my back!

Oh, you deserve it!

You didn't invite me to your son's bar mitzvah!

You wouldn't have come!

- Yeah! It was in Hebrew. - Oh, shut up!

You think just because I'm a movie star, I don't have feelings!

Well, you're wrong! I do have feelings! I'm an actress! I have all of them!

Well, I wouldn't understand.

You see, I'm just a poor little housewife in a little apron,

with a little child to raise!

Yeah, you were always jealous of me, even in college,

because I was blonde and beautiful and talented

and I could have any guy I wanted!

And did! Every guy!

Most of the senior class and half the faculty!

Well, it was the '60s.

Look at this place. Is this where your fan club meets?

Do you have ritual sacrifices?

Put that down. Put that down! I won that!

I remember. Your first talkie.

Yeah? What did you ever win? A pie-eating contest? Best digestion?

Oh, no!

Brenda! This is a Golden Globe!

It's sacred! It's trademarked!

Are you crazy?

Stop it, both of you! Just stop this right this minute!

- Annie! - What?

You choose! Who's your friend? Me or Brenda?

Yeah! For once in your life, make a decision!

Who's your buddy? Some Beverly Hills science project?

Or a woman with her own aisle at the supermarket?

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not getting involved with this!

You both have severe psychological problems,

and I see, I'm the nice one here! I'm not like this!

- What? - What?

- The nice one? Oh, my God. - Well, I mean, |I...

- You mean the rag mop, don't you? - Excuse me?

I mean, the one who can't manage a simple declarative sentence?

The wimp? The wuss?

Well, I've changed, and I'm much stronger than I used to be.

Oh, you are self-righteous. You pipsqueak!

Oh, shut up, you arthritic sex kitten!

- Oh, shut up, Morty's girl! - Monique's mom!

- All you care about is Morty... - Monique's mom!

Stop it! You're both selfish assholes!

No! Oh, my face! Oh, my God!

That is enough! Have we forgotten what we're doing here?

What has happened to us?

I thought we were supposed to be helping each other,

not ripping each other to shreds!

She's right.

You know, I gotta say, I always wondered,

how drunk do you think Cynthia was

when she decided to do a jackknife onto Park Avenue?

Oh, Mom.

- What's wrong? I came right over. - Oh, it's just...

Things are not working out the way I planned.

And you called me? Oh, my God.

I don't know. I don't know.

It's just completely, you know, fallen apart,

and we're at each other's throats, and I feel like...

it's just, like, it's all my fault. I'm just useless.

You are not.

- Honey, I am. I'm really... - Mom, no.

For the past few weeks, you've been a totally different person.

You've stopped apologizing for yourself all the time.

I know. I'm sorry, honey.

It's just this whole First Wives Club thing, it just... It can't work,

and you know what? It just... It never could work.

You make it work. It can. You can make it work.

- You call them. - What?

- Call Brenda and Elise. - I can't call them!

What am I gonna say to them?

This is just... I'm telling you, I should've seen this.

I should have seen this coming.

- I know. - What?

Why don't you write each of them a nice note?

Or maybe send a hanging plant?

Just a suggestion.

No, Mom. No, it's over. It's over.

Brenda, I don't want to be like Cynthia.

I'm sorry.

It's okay. It's okay.

Come on in.

Oh, I've never been to your apartment.

I know.

It's so real.

- Annie! Annie! - Annie!

- Annie! - What are you doing?

Well, Elise, it's your loft, and I'm just throwing these things,

or I'll burn them if you want.

- But why? - Why? Are you kidding?

We have just completely embarrassed ourselves.

We've become exactly what the world thinks we are,

and our ex-husbands. We are the three witches.

Witches?

Well, I'll tell you something. Witches have powers.

- What? - Well, they do.

They have powers for good and for evil.

Annie, Brenda and I are okay now.

We've been talking, and we figured out what...

We think we know what went wrong.

Oh, I know what went wrong! This whole crackpot idea went wrong!

Look, revenge and egos and all of us thinking we could fix our silly lives!

No! Exactly! We were thinking too small.

What are you talking about?

We were just trying to get back at our ex-husbands,

which is a start, but it isn't enough. It's so petty. It's so limited.

It's no wonder we're snarling at each other.

No wonder we're at each other's throats.

Listen. We have to take our plan and expand it.

First thing, we take care of our own guys

because they really have it coming, and then, then we go global!

- How? - Are you really interested?

- 'Cause if you are, I'll tell you. - I don't know if I'm interested.

What if we erupt again?

Oh, Elise, what if you start drinking, and Brenda, you start sniping away?

- Been there. - Done that.

It's not enough for me.

Annie, take a good look at Elise. Look at her!

I'm sober, and I'm gonna do the play.

Really?

And I'm gonna be in the front row opening night.

Friendship is everything, Annie. Don't leave.

I mean, we can't fall apart now!

But even if we want to, we don't have enough information.

Of course, we do have stuff on Aaron and Morty, but what about Bill?

I mean, Elise, you're still at square one.

No, not exactly.

I mean, you know, I mean, I'll admit that so far,

everything he's done has been completely legal.

- Yeah! - As far as he knows.

What do you mean?

Well, it's all a question of angles.

- Are you in? - Are you back?

Talk.

- Well... - Well...

- After you. - Thank you.

So, here's how it goes.

This has to be just between us,

but I am seriously thinking of taking the role of Monique's mom.

And I've just been thinking about, you know, who she is,

what she's all about and you know,

I'm sure you're doing the same thing with Monique.

Oh, sure! I mean, I've been thinking like streaks just around my face.

Oh. Yeah.

And what a beautiful face.

Thanks.

Anyway, the reason I called you

is because if we're gonna work together,

I think that we should get to know one another. It's important.

Bill is so wrong. You are not Satan.

Oh, stop.

Do you need a TV? Or a VCR? Or a personal computer?

Who is the first name in top-quality, low-cost appliances?

Why, let's ask this beautiful young lady here.

Excuse me, ma'am?

Why, hello.

- Hello.

I'm in the market for a low-quality, top-cost appliance.

Cut!

- Shelly... - What happened?

Top-quality, low-cost.

- Top-quality... - Morton Cushman?

Yeah? What? Yeah?

You have the right to remain silent...

What's going on here? I'm shooting a commercial!

- What is this? - Hey, come on. Let's go.

Hey! I'm shooting a commercial here!

Federal marshals acting on behalf of the IRS.

Hey, Bobby, call my lawyer!

On November 28th, at exactly 1400 hours,

Operation Hell's Fury swung into action.

- Good morning. - Hi.

How's my day shaping up?

Oh, poor Daddy. It's gonna be hell.

Your 9:00's waiting in the conference room.

Okey-dokey.

So, let's see. What else in here now?

We've also billed your expenses incurred, including but not limited to...

What is this?

Oh, oh, Miss Eliot?

Please, I'm begging you, please.

Brett, we love the new draft.

Yeah, Phoebe's crazy about it. She's gonna read it.

- Elise, I'm trying to make a movie here. - Hold your calls.

That was a very important phone call. And where's my first check?

Just sit down and shut up. Okay?

Now, let's take a meeting.

Hello, sunshine.

Welcome.

This is kidnapping. I will crucify you.

You want to talk crucifixion? Happy Easter, Morty.

Big deal.

Letters from Brenda's father

about stocking your stores with stolen merchandise.

What do they call it in the tabloids?

Hot stuff.

Yeah. Criminal activity? You should be ashamed.

Wake up and smell the audit.

Aaron, I just had a little talk with Eric and Mark,

and it seems the business is very dysfunctional.

Sort of like our marriage. So, I bought them out.

What?

Yeah. I think we probably ought to go. What do you think?

That's a good idea.

- Goodbye, Eric. - Annie, good luck to you.

- Thank you so much. - It's a pleasure.

- Annie. - Oh, Mark.

- Love you. - I do love that suit.

Bye-bye.

You couldn't possibly pull off something like this.

Where would you come up with this kind of money?

As per our agreement, I sold our assets to a friend of mine.

Here's your half.

Fifty cents?

Considering our history together, I thought a dollar was terribly fair.

Oh, all right.

Take it all.

- So, what do you want, money? - Every cent.

You're out of your mind!

Well, you can hand it over and live happily ever after,

or you can give it to the government and get 10 to 20.

Maybe Duarto can do your cell.

"I see bars."

You can't do this to me.

Oh, but I have done it.

You wouldn't. You couldn't.

Well, it seems I could and I did.

Oh, and you know what, Aaron?

I forgot how much fun work can be.

Look, if you try to take my agency from me, I'll walk.

I'll take all my clients with me.

Be my guest.

I'm not kidding, Annie! I will take every single account.

This place, without me, would be worthless.

- Oh, I don't think so, babe. - Oh, really?

Not after the new $45 million account I just landed.

New account? What account?

Morty's Electronics will be under my control.

Advertising, marketing strategies, everything.

You will stay on as president because after all, you are Morty.

You will receive a salary which will keep you in the lifestyle

to which I think you should become accustomed.

Morty, I don't see what else you can do. It's this or jail.

So I dumped you for another woman. Get over it.

Lift something. Wax something. Have something peeled.

You're right. I hate to admit it, but I'm jealous.

Miss LaVelle is absolutely gorgeous. She's a bright new star.

Interested, Elise? Want to drink her blood?

How old is she, Bill? 25? 26?

Twenty-one.

Yeah, in about five years.

She's 16.

What?

Two years ago, she dropped out of a little high school in Newkirk, Idaho.

Should have done your homework, Bill. I did.

Oh, a copy of her birth certificate.

Oh, God. I didn't know. Oh, my God. What are you gonna do?

Oh, what am I gonna do?

Well, right now, I'm just going to use the "F" word.

Felony.

I think we should continue this discussion in my office.

- In your office? - That's right.

Is that all you can do? Think of yourself, yourself, yourself?

If you go through with this, I'll have nothing.

Look, everyone in town is looking for the new guy.

How can I compete? Who the hell's gonna want me?

I'm 46 years old. I'd have to start from scratch.

I know just how you feel.

Oh, Aaron.

Grow from love.

Oh, I don't hate you.

I wish I could, but you're still kind of cute

for an overbearing, cradle-robbing, spandex-sucking criminal.

So, I'm not gonna take all your money.

Oh, don't misunderstand. I'm going to take plenty.

And I'm gonna hang onto these, 'cause I've got a favor to ask.

Be there in two hours.

While we were married, I helped you.

Now it's your turn to help others.

Where are you going?

- To see Barbara Walters. - Oh, my God!

Scared?

You're not gonna talk about this, are you?

Well, that depends on you.

Be there at that address in two hours, babe.

You see, what Brenda meant by thinking globally

was that it simply wasn't enough to make our former husbands suffer.

To do the truly charitable, unselfish thing,

we would have to make them suffer over and over again.

So, what are you guys in for?

Gentlemen and Daddy.

Honey? Can you tell me what's going on?

I don't think I can take any more surprises today.

Oh, Daddy? I'm a lesbian.

A big one.

Gentlemen, we've gathered you here today for a very specific reason.

This is not about retaliation, this is not about negotiation,

and this is not about men versus women.

Yeah? Well, what is it then? I'm getting sick of this, okay?

Please don't make her mad.

No, no, no. This is not a revenge thing.

This is about justice.

Halfway through this operation, we realized that the only people

that would be helped by revenge would be us.

And then we'd be no better than you.

Happier, but no better. Exhilarated, but no better.

Ecstatic, but no better.

So we thought again.

A very dear friend of ours died from neglect.

And you're going to help us make very sure that that never happens again.

Like hell we are!

You can't make us do anything.

No, but Vito can. And Joey can.

And Uncle Carmine can!

What do we have to do?

You have to pay.

Oh, my God!

The funny thing was that by the time

we had our husbands just where we wanted them,

revenge somehow didn't seem so important.

So, we came up with something better.

It's a very exciting and important day here in New York City,

and for women everywhere.

We're here at the grand opening

of the brand-new Cynthia Swann Griffin Crisis Center for Women.

It's an amazing facility,

and I'm standing here talking to three amazing women.

Well, you must be very proud. Please tell me about your facility.

This center is dedicated in loving memory

to our very dear friend Cynthia Swann.

We plan on offering counseling, family therapy,

and of course, abuse intervention for all.

There are so many women in need here in Manhattan.

But I have to ask you, is it true?

Somebody told me that the idea for this whole thing started

because each of you had a husband that left you for a younger woman?

- Oh, yes. Yes. - It's true.

They really are amazing women! Well, good for you.

Congratulations again for all the great work you've done.

The city of New York thanks you.

I'm asking you as a favor. Come in for one minute with me.

Morty, you know, we have to talk about the wedding.

What are you talking about? You won't even set a date.

Exactly. Because this isn't working. I am not feeling special,

I am not feeling loved, and now, this place?

Please, Morty, I am not Brenda.

- No, you're not. - Duh!

Ivana, I want to thank you for coming so much. You're an angel.

- Oh, of course, Elise. - Thank you so much again.

Ladies, we have to be strong and independent.

- And remember... - What?

Don't get mad. Get everything.

Gosh!

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

Bye, now.

- Mrs. Goldberg? - Yes?

Carmine Morelli.

- Oh, yes. - Brenda's uncle.

Oh, yes, of course.

Nice to meet you.

In the 18th century...

Oh, what a wonderful occasion! Helping people through a buffet.

- Mom, it's a great party. - Thank you, sweetie.

You know what I think, Annie? I think this place is terrific,

and I think you did the right thing by getting rid of Aaron.

I salute you!

I have something to add.

Annie, you're not getting any younger or thinner.

You know what I think you need?

- Nope. - Absolutely nothing.

- Oh, Mom. - Oh, baby.

Sweetheart.

Come on, Jason. Just one time around the floor.

Look, Mom. Get real.

Look, I'm your mother. I command you.

You gotta have something to tell your shrink.

Look at this. Isn't this fantastic? I'm so proud.

- Hey, kids. - Hi, Morty.

Dad, save me. She's doing it again. She's trying to dance with me.

Hey, Bren, leave him alone. He's a good kid.

I know that.

Not like his dad.

What?

I'm getting out of the line of fire.

You look good, Bren.

You, too.

Thank you.

- Where's Shell? - She's in the car.

Glove compartment?

Trunk.

Let me ask you a question.

Was I this old when we were married?

Yes. But I liked you this old.

Me, too.

- Got it? - Sure.

It was pretty clear that night

that Brenda and Morty were headed for a reconciliation.

Elise was dating an actor in her hit play,

and as for me, Aaron and Dr. Rosen split up.

He wants to come home again,

and he feels emotionally ready to recommit

to an equitable and caring relationship.

I told him to drop dead.

Excuse me, do you have a light?

Sure.

Nice car. Used to have one myself.

Thanks.

So, what's going on in there?

Is it just a lot of battered women dancing around or what?

Yeah. Sort of. Not really my scene.

Me, neither.

So, are you here with anybody?

Not really.

How old are you?

Look at this place. It's just a total mess.

- I know. - But a gorgeous mess.

- Yeah. - Just like us.

You know, I can't believe it. We actually did it.

We actually accomplished something together.

I know, we did it.

Oh, God, I wish Cynthia was here right now.

Well, she is. She is, in a way.

I know.

Okay, we're women of the '90s. What is it that we really, really need?

You know, Brenda, you are never going to change.

And I hope not. I hope none of us ever change.

I hope we always get to stay the same. Tired and happy.

And maybe a little bit brave.

Brave? You mean brave.

Like, what do you mean?

You don't own me

You're not funny. No way. I'm out.

I'm not just one of your many toys

Stop that! No! I'm not gonna...

You don't own me

Leave me alone!

Don't say I can't go with other boys

Elise! No! Okay?

Ba ba ba ba ba ba

And don't tell me what to do

And don't tell me what to say

And when [ go out with you

Don't put me on display

- Pretty good! - You remembered!

You don't own me

Don't try to change me in any way

You don't own me

Don't tie me down 'cause I'll never stay

I don't tell you what o say

I don't tell you what to do

So just let me be myself

That's all I ask of you

I'm young, and I love to be young

I'm free, and I love to be free

To live my life the way that I want

To say and do whatever I please

- I'm young - I'm young

And I love to be young

I'm free

I'm free and I love to be free

To live my life

The way that I want

To say and do whatever I please

No, no, you don't own me

No, no, you don't own me

No, no, you don't own me

Forever young and free

Darling, you don't own me

No, no, you don't own me

No, no, you don't own me

Forever young and free

Darling, you don't own me

No, no, you don't own me

No, no, you don't own me

Forever young and free

Darling, you don't own me

You don't own me

No, no, you don't own me

Forever young and free

Darling, you don't own me

No, no, you don't own me

No, no, you don't own me

Forever young and free

Darling, you don't own me

You don't own me

You don't own me

Forever young and free

Darling, you don't own me