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Darcy?

- Darcy!

Darcy! - What?

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

- Are you ready? - For what?

Pop quiz!

Jeremy, what?!

We're filming our special right now!

That's today?

Darcy, it's right now. Let's go!

Well, that explains why you're dressed like Walmart Liberace.

Says the Golden Girls reject.

Jeremy, I'll show you a Golden Girls reject!

Are you finally ready?

I guess I have to go and carry a show now, too, eh?

Try not to be hacky tonight.

Hey...

Hacky's what we do.

- You ready? - Let's go.

Please welcome your favourites! It's Darcy and Jer!

♪ Rolling up my sleeves ♪

♪ Right now I'm in my zone ♪

♪ Put your eyes on me ♪

♪ I got the scars to show it didn't come for free ♪

♪ It's been years in the making ♪

♪ So put your hands up high ♪

♪ Baby, walk with me... ♪

Nanaimo!

Hi, creeps!

Nanaimo-o-o!

I'm just happy he knows where he is.

Yeah!

I know where I am 'cause I spent all day going,

"What the fuck are we doing in Nanaimo?"

Plus, there's a giant sign.

I forgot where we were one night,

so now they do this.

The "dumbass" is new.

Yeah, I thought it needed something extra,

a special night tonight.

This is wild. Thank you for being here.

It's still so weird seeing this dude on stage with me.

- What?

It's still so weird holding a microphone.

Yeah...

He's used to the shape.

At least this one won't get you wet.

Woo!

This has been wild. Tonight's our 50th show

of our tour.

50 shows.

- Wow!

When they first came to me last year

and pitched the idea of Jer and I

doing a standup comedy tour together,

my first reaction was, "Fuck no!"

Then I saw the offer.

And here we are!

I have no idea how this is gonna go,

but we can promise you one thing...

No refunds!

Well, maybe some refunds if you're in one of those cities

we had to cancel 'cause Darcy hurt his knee.

Oh, he loves to bring this up.

He's still upset that he lost some money.

If you haven't been paying attention at home,

at our Boston show I tore my meniscus on stage

doing a bum drop for the people,

sacrificing my body for you creeps,

and yeah, we had to cancel some shows

and I haven't been allowed to do bum drops on stage ever since.

So I'm sorry, I'm not gonna do them tonight.

-Aww! - However, I have a work-around.

Every time I feel the urge to do one,

I'm just gonna make Jer do one instead.

- Yeah!

Go ahead, give them a tease.

- Hey-hey!

That was good!

That was hot!

What's up?

Everybody out!

You can come back in two to three minutes.

You're nervous. I can feel your energy.

Chill out. You good?

Remember what I said backstage?

"Fuck these people."

"We already got their money."

I'm gonna buy so many plants with your money.

You good?

Just... take a deep breath and say hello.

- Hi. - A little bit, but I'll be okay.

You gonna be okay? Can we stop standing sideways?

I look like a hard-boiled egg grew legs.

Humpty Dumpty never looked so gay.

Humpty Dumpty wished he looked this gay, eh?

Oh, I was about to do it!

- I can't!

Give 'em another-- I was gonna do one.

Y'all are stuck with us for the next 90 minutes.

- 90 minutes?!

Don't worry, there's an intermission!

There better be an intermission.

My ADHD cannot pay attention that long.

This is gonna be a big change for all of us

considering most of you are used to watching us

for 20 seconds at a time while you take a shit at work.

No pooping, people!

- Yeah!

The theatre was very clear.

Before we get too into the show, though,

for those of you that have been dragged here tonight

that have no idea who we are,

let me introduce us.

I'm Bert.

This is Ernie.

I'm just kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm Cam. This is Mitchell.

I'm kidding. This is Co. Dependent.

- Are you done? - One more.

I'm RuPaul Charles!

Mother has arrived!

I guess that makes me Michelle Visage?

Yeah!

Shake those titties, mama.

Babe, that was terrible.

You gotta put your hips into it.

You gotta-- here, I'll pop a tit.

Hey?!

You didn't know, did ya? You didn't know!

Actually, this is my husband,

the internet's favourite idiot, Darcy Michael.

Hiyee!

And this is my husband, Jeremy Baer,

otherwise known as Captain Buzzkill.

We fuck.

- Darcy!

Just seein' if you're listenin'.

The first "Darcy!" and eyeroll of the night-- check!

And the French laugh!

- We're doin' it. - The Darcy and Jer trifecta.

Yeah.

It's so funny doing this tour.

You know, like, before we started this tour,

Jer and I always thought we had a small circle of friends.

And then we announced 50 shows across North America

and found out we had friends in every city,

and all of them wanted free tickets to our show.

-Yeah!

I see you. I know where you are.

Yeah!

And it's always so funny

'cause they're always so awkward about it.

Like, "Hey...

"You might not remember me, but I was wondering

"if I could get a couple tickets to your show."

And it's like, "Not remember you, Heather?

"You're our daughter's mother."

And no, you can't have a free ticket!

No.

You already got to fuck my husband!

What more do you want, lady?!

That's a pretty specific meet and greet!

Does he look mad? I can't, I'm scared.

You're really listening tonight.

Just before we came on, he's like,

"Can you just, like, try and stick

"to the normal stuff tonight for the special?"

I was like, "No!"

That's no fun.

There's no dopamine in that for me.

It's been so amazing doing this tour,

especially after, like, you know,

living with all of you online over the last few years

and finally being able to get out here in person

and see you.

Actually, Sue, can we bring the lights up?

I just wanna look at ya. I just wanna see your faces.

Oh, look at this! Hello!

We brought the fashion! Hi, everybody!

Now you're all awkward 'cause you're like, "We're on camera."

Fuckin' lighten up! So am I!

It blows Jer and I away, night after night,

that this many people wanna come and hang out with us.

So to everybody in the room, thank you so much.

It means the world to us. Thank you for being here.

Darcy, I'm pretty sure they're here for me.

- For you ? - For me.

- Oh! Okay!

Oh, well, hey! Okay, settle down.

We don't need to-- no, don't let me get in the way.

I would love to retire early tonight.

So, uh, enjoy...

whatever the fuck this is about to be.

- Nice try, Darcy.

You're staying up here the whole time.

Aww! I was about to have a crazy

little Friday night in Nanaimo.

It's Tuesday!

- Is it actually? - He's always on brand.

Hey, Candace, can we start adding

the fucking day of the week to this?

Oh, well.

At least I'm not the only confused dude in the room here,

'cause I know for sure there's a dude in the back being like,

"What a second, are these two gay?"

"I thought they were roommates!"

Thanks for comin', Dad!

Sorry you had to find out this way!

- Yeah!

It's been such a wild year for us and, like,

not even just with this tour but, like, on a personal note,

this year marks the 20th anniversary

of our first date together.

- Yeah. - 20 years!

It was the day after Valentine's Day

'cause we both had boyfriends for Valentine's.

Yeah!

♪ 'Cause gays are sluts! ♪

It's wild to me.

If you had told me 20 years ago

that we would be standing on this stage together tonight,

performing... without a pole...

I never would have believed it!

If you had told me 20 years ago

I'd go on a second date with a guy

that showed up wearing a purse...

Oh, fuck off!

- I'd be shocked! - It wasn't a purse.

We've had this argument for 20 years.

It was a Mountain Equipment Co-op sidebag.

They were very in style in 2004.

It was a purse.

Homophobe.

Now you're flirting with me?

Yeah!

Yeah, daddy, let's get some hate sex goin'!

Oh, actually, shit, that reminds me; I forgot.

Uh, for our straight fans here tonight, first of all,

our condolences.

We understand that it is not a choice and we support you.

You're welcome.

You have allies.

He means thank you for being the allies you are.

Sure.

Tonight, Jer and I are gonna be telling some stories

of our lived experience,

and at times we might use language

that we have the right to use.

And to our straight fans, we just ask that you don't use

that language when you leave here tonight.

That's all.

- Thanks; I appreciate it.

Sure, yet I'm the buzzkill.

Is this a comedy show or a TED Talk?

Babe, I don't think it counts as either.

I get it's weird doing a disclaimer like that,

but think about it this way:

sure, a couple of you can't repeat our jokes tonight.

But at the same time, you don't have to leave here tonight

and suck some old dude's dick.

At least my knees work!

I wouldn't know!

Oh my god, is this a Jerry Springer taping?

- What has happened?

- Are we gonna wrestle?

I feel so bad for the people here tonight

that only know us from plant videos.

Do your research, people!

"I thought they were just gonna garden!"

Our agents are here somewhere in the audience tonight as well.

Yeah, to make sure they get their 20%.

Yeah.

We have two sets of agents, right?

We have our social media agents

and then my film and television agents.

Or, as we like to call them...

The rich ones and my film and television agents.

When was the last time you did something for film or TV, Darcy?

When was the last time you did

something for film or TV, Darcy?

When's the last time you fuckin' did anything, dude?

This guy quit his job two years ago,

and now a day in the life of Jeremy Baer

is rolling out of bed at 11 in the morning,

smoking one of my joints,

and then playing one of my video games.

- He's...

No, do not!

No, he's stolen my life!

He Freaky Fridayed me!

- House husband, baby! - No, no, no!

- No!

He's Single White Female-ing me.

We're gonna end up on an episode of Dateline

and you're all accomplices.

When's the last time I did anything?

This is my first time performing in Nanaimo

and I'm already filming a special

in a front of a sold-out house.

- Okay! Wow.

That's a good flex.

The last time I performed in Nanaimo was five years ago

at the Corner Lounge for 18 people,

and 12 of them did not know it was standup comedy night.

- Is that why you quit standup? - Yes!

100%, Nanaimo, you're the fuckin' reason.

I actually did-- I quit standup in 2019,

and a lot of people, like, we never really

talked about it before this. I did it for 18 years.

I toured this country and all over North America

for $100 a show, chasing a dream.

18 years of saying goodbye to my husband

and our daughter every weekend,

alone in a crappy hotel room.

And after a while, I was like, "It's not hitting."

And so, in 2019, I was like, "I'm just gonna stop.

"I'm gonna hang out in the garden."

And it was the best thing I ever did.

- That's cute.

Truth be told...

Darcy discovered microdosing magic mushrooms in 2019.

And he wouldn't leave the garden!

It's a coincidental timing, for sure.

Mushrooms are like a breath mint for the soul, okay?

Like, here we are, five years later,

and I'm fatter, happier, dressed like a gay disco ball.

Tell me it doesn't work. Tell me.

We do talk a lot about mental health online.

Which means, statistically,

a lot of you here tonight are mentally unwell.

- Welcome home! - Yeah!

Let's actually do a little check-in with each other.

Make some noise if you remembered

to take your meds today.

- Yes! Love it!

Now make some noise if the edible has kicked in.

- Yeah!

Darcy, I said after the show!

- Meh, meh, meh, meh...

Actually, now I wanna know:

make some noise if you just realized

you forgot to take your meds.

- What do you need?

What do you need?

With this group, I'm sure we've got a small pharmacy.

Actually, you know what?

Sorry, Sue, can we bring the lights up one more time?

Sorry, I know you guys hate it, but it's my special.

Our special...

Okay, if you're physically able to and you're comfortable,

this is my favourite part of doing this tour.

Stand up if you have ADHD or you're neurodiverse.

Fuck yes! Yes!

Look at you!

Look around!

This is amazing.

Look at the ADHD section!

The entire balcony is standing up

'cause you bought your tickets too late.

Okay, you can sit down.

Honestly, I just wanted to give people with ADHD

a chance to stand up.

You're welcome, friends. I see you.

For those of you unaware, Darcy has ADHD.

Ha!

They're aware.

You've been filming it for clout for five years.

I got diagnosed late in life.

I only got diagnosed with ADHD six years ago.

I was an '80s and '90s kid, you know?

We didn't talk about mental health back then.

Like, back then, your health was,

"Are you bleeding? No?

"Go to school." Right?

And so, when I started going, first of all,

getting assessed and getting diagnosed

was obviously very easy for me.

Uh, mainly because I missed

my assessment appointment four times.

On the fifth appointment,

I just walked in and they gave me a certificate.

I was like, "Thank you!"

"I'm gonna lose this!"

- And he did! - Yeah!

Didn't even make it to the car.

But I remember afterwards, going to my parents

and being like, "Did you have any idea that I had ADHD?"

And they were both just like, "No.

"We just thought you were an asshole."

- That still tracks. - Yeah.

Darcy actually has a book deal

writing about his journey with ADHD.

- Yeah.

No, settle down, settle down--

he's 12 months past the deadline.

- Yeah!

Don't ask someone with ADHD to write a book.

We're busy.

And for the record, I sent in, like,

100 pages a week or two ago.

Oh, please.

He sent in the title and the rest was blank.

It's the perfect book for people with ADHD.

Finally, a book we can finish.

Do what you want with it. Make a list, draw a picture.

Trace your dick... DM it to me!

It's not Choose Your Own Adventure.

Depends on the dick!

RIP to your DMs.

For those of you watching at home,

please don't DM me your dick pics without consent.

It's weird.

Except for you, Harry Styles.

My ADHD literally just started making a list

of all the other men I was gonna exclude.

We'll put it in the note. Check the credits!

I have no idea what we were talking about.

- ADHD!

Ha!

Part of the reason why we have an intermission

for our show is 'cause Darcy is a horrible

audience member.

I had a feeling when we were doing this tour

that we were gonna have a lot of spicy friends in the audience,

and so I was like, "We need to give them a break,"

because I hate going to live shows.

I get so much anxiety about,

is there gonna be an intermission?

Am I gonna get an aisle seat?

All these things that I need to know.

So I want my friends to know,

we call it the ADHD Halftime Stretch

and I promise it's coming.

But also, if at any point that you need to stand up

or you need to move around or if you have tics

that you're holding back, just know that,

clearly, this is a safe room, and just be a fuckin' weirdo.

We're not gonna come for you!

Yeah. It's a safe space.

I'm a terrible audience member.

I go to counselling and therapy 'cause it's cool!

And one of the things my therapist taught me

when I'm going to shows, or even going to a movie,

she's like, "You've chosen to go,

"so just remind yourself,

"when you're sitting in that seat,

"you've chosen to be here.

"Whatever is waiting for you outside these theatre doors,

"just leave them there and be here now."

Brought to you by the Better Help app.

Use code DarcyJer15 to save.

I wish he was kidding.

That code is good for 7 days.

The corporate stooge is very much alive with this man, okay?

If it was up to Jer, he would monetize every part of my--

if it was up to Jer,

I would look like a fucking NASCAR driver everywhere I go,

head to toe logos.

The first act was brought to you by NASCAR.

- No, it wasn't!

NASCAR is not exactly investing marketing money

into a middle-aged gay white couple in Nanaimo, so...

But if they did, I'd rewrite their slogan.

It'd be "NASCAR. Why turn right?"

Now we know where our straight allies are sitting.

Yeah, and a couple of lesbians,

'cause I heard some deep-throated laughter

right over there.

I see my little Homo Depots there.

It's been such a weird journey for us,

coming from online to in-person,

especially 'cause obviously the community guidelines

on social media make us a little more wholesome

than our salty in-person selves,

and it drives me crazy 'cause normally with standup,

I'd just run out and be like, "Buddy, your beard and my beard,

"let's find out what Velcro tastes like!"

Right? "Let's go!"

But no, I can't anymore

because we're fuckin' wholesome.

Language, Darcy!

Sorry. Wholesome AF!

Hashtag, #LoveIsLove!

I'm just saying now I know how Bob Saget felt

all those years making Full House.

Settle down, he said, "Saget."

We've been learning a lot over the last couple years.

We obviously never expected our relationship

to become a famous brand of any sort.

It's weird. We're learning a lot of things.

I know a lot of you know we've moved this year,

and one of the things we haven't talked about publicly

is why we moved, and it's 'cause we've been dealing

with a stalker for 10 months, and it's been really scary shit.

The worst thing is we discovered we had a stalker

when we were overseas in Europe.

We discovered our stalker had followed us from Canada

to Greece, to-- where else did we go?

To Ireland, to Scotland, to London...

And do you know how we found out?

They were in the background of our selfies,

over and over again.

Terrifying stuff.

But...

at the same time...

it's kinda nice to know we have a rich stalker, you know?

All he cares about is the demographic.

And there is a little part of me that,

when we were first going through it,

that was a little flattered.

You know, like, "What?

" Me ?

"He wants to wear my skin?"

"This old thing?"

It is very roomy.

I guess we could technically have a couple stalkers in here.

- Maybe if they were two twinks. - Yeah!

Wouldn't be the first time I've tried to get a couple twinks

inside this body.

Plant people,

you're gonna wanna start a list to Google at intermission.

Start with "twinks"...

We all do...

That was so funny!

What?

That was so good!

Now you're coming for this fuckin' job, too?

You distracted me.

Oh, we were talking about the stalker.

We get a lot of views every month

and we never expected it.

We said to each other early on that we wanted to make sure

our channels were a safe space

for the 15-year-old version of us looking for community,

and that meant the comment section, too.

So, Jer and I always make sure that we're monitoring

the comments and our team is monitoring it,

and we take out hate comments. And some people don't like that.

They're like, "Let people police themselves."

But in my world, don't use my platform

to spread your fuckin' hate.

Go somewhere else.

You can go to your own echo chamber.

Not on our page.

And sometimes it's tough.

We deal with a lot of hate online,

and the worst was this right-wing group

shared our YouTube channel one day

and we woke up to over 10,000 death threats,

and it was awful shit.

They get around getting flagged in the comments

by changing the spelling.

Instead of "kill" us, it's "k-1-l-l."

But sometimes it works.

Like, I got called a "fagoot."

- What? - Settle down.

He said, "Saget."

Fagoot? That's adorable!

What is that, French?

Bonjour. Je m'appelle Fagoot.

Bonjour, comment ma face!

Here, eat some pineapple.

Fagoot.

Fagoot!

It's so cute!

"Are you flirting with me, sir?"

I don't actually think you wanna kill my fagoot ass...

♪ But I believe you wanna murder it! ♪

But also, just understand: if you called me a fagoot

to my face, I'm gonna drive my Ram 1500 right up your ass.

Do you promise?

Jeremy!

It's a family show!

Everybody, get out.

What were we talking about? I...

Here's the thing.

You're gonna see me reference these a couple times.

And we had a lot of different options when it came to--

we've been using these for the tour and here,

if I'm being totally honest, I quit standup in 2019

'cause it destroyed my mental health,

and a lot of it came from anxiety

with my ADHD and trying to-- you know,

I was always worried about losing where I was in my show.

And in my last special, they didn't have a teleprompter

and they wouldn't let me have notes on the stage,

and it gave me so much stress that I was just like,

"I'm done." And so, when we decided to do this show,

I said to Jer, "We have to find ways to protect

"our mental health while still enjoying it,"

and part of them is having these cue cards

to remind me of things I wanna talk about.

And to my ADHD friends,

the only thing I want you to take from that

is our brains work differently,

so we're allowed to work differently, too.

There's no shame in that shit,

so just know that for yourselves.

A lot of people wanna know how I lost the weight.

Oh, shit.

That's from your last tour, Darcy.

This makes more sense.

A lot of people wanna know how I gained the weight.

It's so dumb and it's his favourite bit.

I'll tell you how I gained the weight.

That bitch, COVID! That's how, okay?

Something changed in our psyche.

Before COVID, the idea of ordering pizza

twice in one week was naughty,

and then COVID hit,

and all of a sudden ordering pizza twice in one day

was simply supporting small business.

Do you remember when we were all out

cheering for the nurses every night?

Darcy and I would walk by our local pizza place

and they would get up and cheer for us.

- They literally did.

Standing ovation every time.

We're heroes.

For the longest time,

I thought I had body dysmorphia,

but it turns out I am actually fat.

I could have saved so much money in therapy

if she just said, "No, honey, y'are."

- Day one!

We are thinking about exercising again.

Ehh...

People like me chubby. I'm less threatening.

But my prediabetic blood results do beg to differ, so...

Believe it or not, we actually do work out.

Yeah, we're working out right now.

Just by standing up here,

violently sucking in our stomachs

for 45 minutes at a time.

I saw you do it out of the corner of my eye.

You fuckin'-- every night!

- Every night! - Every night of this tour,

he forgets it's coming and he's, like, all relaxed,

and then he sucks it in for the joke.

Oh, I just sucked in too hard.

Now I have to poop. I...

Here's the thing--

and I wanna preface this by saying, like,

I'm not saying don't be healthy, but diet culture is bullshit.

It is a toxic industry.

We have been together 20 years

and we have forced the weirdest fad diets on each other.

It has never affected our love for each other,

it has only affected our hunger.

Like, we've done everything.

We did intermittent fasting, which if you don't know,

that's where you only eat during an 8-hour window a day.

Jer and I were sleeping for 16 hours a day!

- We were so rested, though. - Yeah.

And we were so far behind on everything

'cause we were only awake for 8 hours

and we had to eat the entire time.

Then we tried keto,

which is basically just bacon and cheese.

Yeah! Bacon and cheese, bitch!

That's how we got into this fuckin' mess in the first place!

We also did this other diet where you count your calories

for six days a week,

and then on the 7th day you get to have a cheat day.

So I obviously order pizza.

And I went and fucked a dude.

Should have had that talk.

That just divided y'all

so, so down the queer and straight line.

Like, I heard all the queers laughing

and all the straights being like,

"How dare you do that to Jeremy!"

"I don't like it when my dads do that."

I used to make fun of my body a lot on stage,

but now we're at the age where our bodies make fun of us.

Like, I threw my back out adding Epsom salts to the bath.

Don't tell us we don't know how to party!

No one told me going to bed in your 40s

is like gearing up for war with sleep.

What happens?

Like, I'm not kidding you right now.

I have plantar fasciitis in my foot,

so I have to wear a boot on my foot when I go to bed.

I have a torn meniscus, so I have to wear a knee brace.

I have carpal tunnel in both my wrists,

so I have to wear wrist guards.

I grind my teeth, so I have to wear a mouth guard.

- And I have sleep apnea...

So I have to wear a CPAP machine!

It takes me 45 minutes to get ready for bed,

and I come out of the bathroom looking like fuckin' Robocop.

Just like, "Bring it on, sleep!

"I'm fuckin' winning tonight! Let's go!"

And then I have to roll over in the night,

but because of the hose I have to fuckin' stand up out of bed

just to roll over.

Just hearing all that has me so horny.

Why do you think I need the carpal tunnel wrist guards?

I see you 30-year-olds laughing at this like it'll never be you.

Meanwhile, all the 50-year-olds are like,

"It's only gonna get worse..."

Yeah!

"Wait until you sneeze and shit yourself."

Now the bottoms in the room are like,

"That's not an age thing, honey!"

Plant people, you're gonna wanna Google

"twink," "bottom," at intermission.

They tend to go hand-in-hand.

I knew we got old during COVID when everything opened up again.

Jer and I decided to go clubbing.

We were like, "Let's go dancing,"

and that was the moment.

That's when I knew, oh, we're different.

Things have changed.

'Cause I knew we got old when we walked into the club

and the first thing I thought was, "Where are the chairs?"

"What do you mean there's no chairs?

"I just stood in line for 15 minutes!

"That's the most I've stood for a year and a half!"

I knew we got old during COVID

when I pulled a 2-inch hair off my earlobe.

Off his earlobe!

His ears had bangs.

- It was very in style in 2020. - Yeah!

And the worst thing is, he was so excited to show me.

That's what I hate about marriage.

At some point, your marriage just becomes, "Yo, get in here.

"Yo, you gotta come in here.

"Come see this disgusting thing on my body."

And it's like, "No, the hose won't reach!"

So romantic.

- We're not. - We're not.

Our daughter says we live like two 12-year-old boys

whose parents went away for the weekend.

It's just pizza, video games, and handjobs.

- It's like, "Sup, bro?"

It weirds people out that we don't celebrate

our anniversaries, and I think it's 'cause we were just broke

for so long that the idea of going out for dinner

when we had a kid to feed was stupid.

But our first anniversary, we were getting ready to go out

and celebrate and there was a knock at the door,

and I opened the door and it was my best man, Bill,

from our wedding, and he gives me an envelope

with $500 cash in it.

And at this point of our lives, like Darcy said,

we were flat broke.

Like, this was life-changing money for us.

And we had no idea.

We were like, "Is this a tradition?

"Should we get married every year?"

And then I look at the envelope,

and there's a whole bunch of dates with initials

over the past year, and all of the dates are crossed out.

Our wedding party had a bet

on how long Darcy and I would last...

And no one bet over a year!

And look at us now!

Staying together to spite our friends.

We can't stand each other,

but those fuckers aren't getting their $500 back.

Okay, Nanaimo, it's time for the ADHD Halftime Stretch!

Go get a drink!

[voice] Welcome to the ADHD Halftime Stretch.

Maybe drink some water and take your fuckin' meds.

[voice] Darcy, hurry up! Intermission is over!

[voice] Oh, you're obsessed with making me work!

Guys, gals, and non-binary pals...

Ah, fuck it, just clap. We're walking back out.

Yay, y'all came back!

Yeah, it's the scariest thing,

asking a room full of people with ADHD to remember

they were at a show.

- How was the stretch?

Apologies that we were a little late coming back.

I know it's on brand, but I got distracted.

I got talking to one of the security guards backstage

and he didn't believe my story about what I wear to bed.

And because we're travelling right now,

I happen to have everything with me,

so I pulled it all out and laid it out for him to see.

And he looked at Jer with such pity in his eyes.

And I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of everybody putting Jer on a pedestal,

because he is not perfect, especially to sleep with.

Jer scream-talks in his sleep.

Yeah, it's the only time I can get a word in, Darcy.

I woke up at 3 in the morning in a deep REM sleep

to Jer scream-shouting his McDonald's breakfast order

like I was the drive-thru window.

Imagine being dead asleep and waking up to...

"I'll have a sausage and egg McMuffin,

"two hashbrowns, and a black coffee!"

And I'm like, "Fuck!

"That sounds delicious."

We were talking earlier in the first act about how we moved.

One of the things we've learned on this tour

is there is a universal anger

on how criminal real estate prices are around the world,

especially in British Columbia.

It's insane.

And you know, like, we had to move

because of the stalker situation and because everybody

could draw a map of our townhouse

that we lived in and filmed every corner of for four years

and put on the internet without thinking about it.

Uh...

But in typical Vancouver real estate fashion,

we sold our house and couldn't afford to buy in Vancouver,

so we did what everybody else does

and moved to Vancouver Island.

We moved to the oldest demographic in Canada.

The average age is 83 years old.

Darcy will do anything to feel retired.

I am living my Golden Girls fantasy

and loving it every day.

It's honestly like living in God's waiting room.

Any time Jer and I hear an ambulance go by,

we both pull out our laptops and hop on Facebook Marketplace.

"Time to go antiquing!"

Old people have cool shit!

Thank you for the chesterfield, Martha!

We didn't expect to move to the island,

we didn't expect to buy this house,

and it ended up happening and it's our dream home,

and it's hard to put into words as an artist

the feeling you get to be able to buy a home

because of your art.

I love standing in our big backyard screaming,

"This is the house that dick jokes bought!"

Had the dick jokes been better, we could have done it sooner.

Oh, not with these real estate prices.

Guys, I'm not even gay.

That's how expensive real estate is right now.

I'm just like, "It's 3,000 square feet by the water!"

"There's a soaker tub!"

"And two walk-in closets!"

How's your knee?

I'm gonna pay for that one later, for sure.

Okay, fine, I might be a little gay.

That being said, I don't always believe Jer's actually gay.

Sometimes I worry he's just super agreeable.

- I don't like conflict. - Yeah!

Massive Libra energy here.

- I'm a people-pleaser. - Yeah.

"I'm a people-pleaser!"

- Darcy!

You made a baby!

Yeah, LGBTQ, the Q is for "questioning."

- No, it is not!

For those of you that don't know our story,

we have a daughter that Jer-- it's Jer's biological--

she is Jer's biological daughter;

not allowed to call her "it" anymore.

He made her with his penis.

During my confused period.

Yeah.

And your top period, apparently.

Wow!

You're unhinged!

Candace, did you hear that?

His top period!

Jer!

Hi!

Give them a minute to settle their bets.

Jer had a baby when he was 19,

and then we met and we've been together ever since.

And actually, you know what?

Plant people, this is finally a bit for you.

The thing that I find the funniest on the internet

is whenever we post a video

where I've spent a ton of money on plants,

much like the audience here tonight,

the comments section is always on Jer's side

and they're always just like,

"I don't know how you put up with this bullshit, Jer!

"He's always wasting your money on plants!"

And here's the truth of the matter, Nanaimo...

I can buy all the plants I want.

I can buy a plant every day of the week

and bring it into the house and put it anywhere I want,

and then I can point at that plant and I can go,

"I'm sorry, is this plant gonna require a university education?"

"I'm sorry, is this plant gonna talk back to us for 20 years?"

"Is this one gonna shame us for being idiots

"on the internet?"

- Blanche is pretty ashamed.

Oh, you don't even know which plant Blanche is, bitch!

It's 'cause I never loved her.

Jeremy!

"Oh no, dads are fighting again!"

Stop the cameras-- what the fuck was this?

That's Blanche. She's blowin' in the wind.

It's a blustery day.

She's an indoor plant!

How is this a plant?

Is it a cockatiel?

Like...

You've done 49 shows and tonight you're like,

"Yeah, you know what it needs? An act out."

We're filming! It's a special night!

This is the worst plant.

If you're gonna be a plant, babe, like...

"There, I'm a plant!" You know?

Or Jesus.

Either way, it's a blustery day.

Well, he's a spitter.

They're learning so much about us, Jer.

If you make the mess, you clean the mess.

How many guys just got elbowed in the ribs?

Wow.

Now I have to stand in the wet spot?

- Yeah.

I wanted you to feel like we're at home.

Oh my gosh.

Oh my days.

You got any more fuckin' Cirque de Soleil routines

you wanna pull out before we move on?

- I have no idea where we are. - What are we talking about?

Why doesn't this make any... sense?

Darcy, that's my side.

"Oh, sorry, did I do that?"

Oh, we're not gonna break up. Don't worry.

Mainly because I'm too old

to figure out dating apps, you know, like...

Plus, I love him, blah blah blah.

Aww, you remembered your wedding vows!

Sheer coincidence.

You're a goof.

It's weird when you've been together this long, right?

Long-term relationships take work.

It takes active work as a partner,

emotionally and physically.

After you've been together this long, things get boring,

whether it's across the dinner table

or in the bedroom.

- Thanks...? - You're welcome!

We talk to our friends, like-- 'cause here's the thing:

friends of ours that got married the same year as us

got divorced six months ago.

Yeah, now they're both in the best shape of their lives.

So we are thinking about it.

We haven't tried the divorce diet.

It might be the thing.

We've talked to our friends about it.

Someone suggested we spice things up and get a safe word,

and it's like, we've had a safe word for 20 years.

- Technically, it's two words. - Yeah, it's...

"Not tonight."

Then friends suggested maybe we try roleplaying.

Yeah!

Try roleplaying with your partner of 20 years

without laughing in their face.

Well, fuck-- you saw what happened

when he tried to be a plant!

Roleplaying?

Ooh-ooh-ooh!

I'm a ghost!

- Darcy, where'd you go? - I'm ghosting you!

He's just gonna be in the kitchen making a sandwich.

♪ The ghost is stoned and hungry! ♪

I'm so distracted by Blanche.

I can't stop thinking about it.

Yes, and this.

Oh, no.

- Maybe that's the secret. - What?

You be Blanche.

Go with me on this.

Hear me out, hear me out, okay?

- You...

You be Blanche...

and I come home from a long, exhausting day at...

whatever you people do.

And I see you in the corner and I go...

I go, "Oh, Blanche!

"You look so wilted!"

"I guess it's time to fertilize the garden!"

Not tonight.

Well played.

Friends of ours suggested that we try having a threesome.

Not because we want to have sex with other people.

No! God, no.

Mostly because we just think it would be nice

if we could both lay on our backs at the same time.

You know? Starfish together.

Happy anniversary!

Shut up, I'm thinking of somebody else!

- Is it Blanche? - It is Blanche!

You goof.

Let's do some questions.

I feel like we have to hit a reset.

- Okay. - This got so weird.

Thank you to everybody that sent them in.

Y'all are a little horny tonight.

- You ready?

Sure.

Aww!

"Where does Yuma's name come from?"

Oh, Yuma!

For those of you that don't know,

Yuma's our golden retriever.

- We love her.

We rescued her--

From a breeder!

- Shh!

It's the same thing!

The breeder was like, "Oh my God!

"I have all these puppies! Help!"

I was like, "Oh my God! Here's $5,000.

"I want this one.

"Not that one!"

- What was the question?

"Where does Yuma's name come from?"

I named Yuma.

Here's the thing: Yuma is my sunshine on a leash, okay?

And so, when we got her, I looked up the sunniest place

in the world, and it's a place called Yuma, Arizona.

And it turns out, it's a fucking dump.

It is! It's just an industrial prison complex, and that's it.

But--

I was like, "We cannot name her after that place."

But I loved the name!

I love dogs having a unique name,

and I was just, like, looking at her and I was like,

"Yuma... You-ma dog!"

You ma dog!

You ma best friend!

You ma everything!

Yuma dog! Yuma best friend!

Yuma everything! Yuma dog!

Yuma best friend! Yuma everything!

- This went on for four hours...

And then I caved.

- Yeah, and Yuma was born. - Yeah.

From my vagine...

I tell her that.

Before, okay, a little side quest before we go on,

'cause I don't know if a lot of you know this, but--

and I'm not exaggerating--

none of you would be in this room right now

if it wasn't for Yuma, and that's the truth.

I don't know if we've ever done a story on our origin,

but when we got Yuma in 2019, I quit standup.

One of the reasons I quit was 'cause I lost my best friend

after a long battle to cancer,

and it fucking-- it ruined me.

It grounded me to a halt.

And that's when we were like, "Let's take a break.

"Let's regroup." And during that period,

my parents got a golden retriever named Charlie.

And Jer saw the joy Charlie was bringing me and was like,

"Let's get a dog.

"Let's get another golden retriever

"and they can be best friends."

And so, we did, and it was the beginning of healing.

It forced me to get up in the morning.

It forced me to go for walks.

She made me laugh every day.

And I promise this is going somewhere, so...

Shortly after we got Yuma, as life has it,

my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer.

And it sucked, obviously, but we were like,

"We'll take Charlie. You focus on getting better.

"You just do what you need to do

"and we'll take care of the puppies."

And so, during that time,

the comedian in me was still like,

"You have to make Mom feel good 'cause laughter is healing."

And so, I wanted to be able to send her videos of the dogs,

but I didn't want to send her 20 videos a day

and I didn't know how to combine videos.

And someone told me about this app called TikTok

where you could upload a bunch of videos

and send someone a link and they can watch them whenever.

So I started a page called "Yuma Dog"

and I would just upload videos, just to make my mom smile.

And if you know Yuma,

you know she has this weird obsession with rocks.

So all of a sudden,

one day we wake up after, like, a month of

her account being out there, and she's gone crazy viral,

and all of a sudden Yuma has 100,000 followers on TikTok.

Like...

And being the mentally stable human Darcy is...

18 years.

18 fucking years,

I toured this country for $100 a show,

and all of a sudden this five-month-old golden retriever

is the star of the house?

Oh-ho-ho, I don't think so!

Darcy watched the Super Bowl for the first time this year.

- Yeah!

Thank you, Tay-Tay!

So I started our TikTok page the next day

and refused to post on Yuma's

until we were at 100,001 followers.

And a few million later, here we are, right?

And for those of you, to put the bow on it,

if you're wondering, you know, like,

where Yuma's been during this tour that we've been on,

she has been with her best friend, Charlie,

looked after by my cancer-free Mom,

'cause we live in the best fucking country in the world.

Because she trusted scientists,

she listened to doctors and nurses.

- Done the side quest? - Sure, yeah.

Oh, one more!

If you don't read our comments section,

you might not know this, but Yuma trolls all of our videos,

and I highly recommend you go back and read.

She's very funny.

Also, though, please stop reporting her for bullying.

The amount of times I have to call her TikTok manager

and be like, "Can you un-ban Yuma again?"

And she's always like, "Stop bullying yourselves!"

We're like, "It's not us, it's her.

"She's homophobic."

That was a long side quest. Sorry.

"How old is your daughter?"

Yuma's gonna be five in September.

I'm pretty sure they meant Grace.

Huh.

Sounds like a question for you.

Grace is 25.

Best thing that ever happened to us.

Well, we can say that 'cause Yuma's not here to hear it.

- Wow.

Grace is great. She's a good kid.

She works for BC Whales.

Yeah.

She works for BC Whales.

What does she do there, Darce?

Fuck.

She... works for BC Whales!

Just like you said.

- Pop quiz for my stoner husband! - Oh, fuck!

Don't even! No, don't!

What does our daughter do for work?

- No! Don't!

It's gonna make me sweaty and clammy

and my blood pressure's gonna raise.

The fuckin' Pavlovian response

my body has to those five stupid words...

Five? Pop, quiz, for, my, stoner...

Six stupid words.

What does our daughter do, Darce?

- Oh, fuck.

We live in British Columbia,

beside the Pacific Ocean.

There are whales,

and Grace works for them.

Hey, I know what it is.

It's Grace's job to stop the Washington whales

from coming into British Columbia.

She's like border security for whales.

You think she's just sitting there all day being like,

"Excuse me, Willy, got any fruits or guns to declare?"

- Yeah!

Well, if it an American whale, we know one of those answers.

Uh, yeah, it's her job that she has to call for backup.

"I'm gonna need some backup.

"This guy's a real blowhard."

Do not encourage that kind of comedy!

Stop it!

We're all better than that.

She hates what we do.

- She does. - Yeah.

Imagine, for 20 years of your life,

in the early 2000s,

growing up with the cool factor of having gay dads,

and then your gay dads become famous

for being cringe on the internet.

The lord giveth and the lord taketh away!

I think that pretty much covered it.

Yeah!

What else you got?

"What the fuck is a busy donkey?"

I guess it's been a few years, so yeah, that's fair.

Make some noise if you know what "Busy Donkey" is.

- Okay...

Make some noise if you don't know.

- No shame.

What's your fuckin' problem?

- I'm just kidding. - Safe space, safe space.

"Busy Donkey" is a song that we would sing to Grace

when she was younger.

I wrote it stupidly when I was stoned.

And it became my stimming song.

Like with my ADHD, I stim a lot;

I have to tap my fingers when I'm walking.

Like little, weird things, like when I'm doing something,

I sing to myself to focus.

And Jer being Jer, filmed it for clout on the internet.

And then Jer being Jer, monetized it.

Uh, wait until the next tour when it's called

"Blanche's Revenge."

When you're all wearing green foam fingers

that have been re-purposed as a hat.

One second.

Don't write it down!

I will sing "Busy Donkey" with you.

But... to the people that don't know it,

I apologize for the earworm that is going to ruin your life.

Do you know the secret to getting a song

that's stuck in your head, how to get it out?

I'm not kidding,

you hum the "Hockey Night in Canada" theme song.

It's true. I know it's weird to laugh at it.

No, if you have a song stuck in your head,

if you hum the "Hockey Night in Canada" theme song

while you're sucking a dick, it will...

You will forget the song because everyone is screaming,

"You're on the SkyTrain! What the fuck?!"

One time!

I love that the intro

to the most wholesome part of the show

is about me sucking a dick on a SkyTrain.

Okay, if you know the song, sing it.

If you don't, I'm so sorry.

Here we go.

♪ B-U-S-Y, D-O-N-K-E-Y ♪

♪ Busy Donkey! ♪

♪ What's the donkey busy doin'? ♪

♪ Bein' busy! ♪

That's it.

He never wrote another verse.

It's the perfect song. What more does it need?

"My son recently came out to me as gay.

"Any advice for parents going through this?"

- Aww! - Oh, fuck...

The TED Talk part of the evening.

Kick him out.

It is not a parent's job to understand,

it's a parent's job to show up,

and you asking that means you're ready to show up.

Yeah. That's it.

- Congrats to your son. - Yes.

Is he cute?

He probably already DMed you.

"What is Darcy's favourite plant?"

Okay, I get tonight why you would want to say "Blanche,"

but if you don't know it's weed,

you haven't been paying attention.

It's the mother plant.

You can eat it, you can smoke it, you can wear it.

She's the best.

Here's the thing: it's not that I don't trust people

that don't smoke weed, I just don't get it.

You don't smoke weed?

How do you watch a movie?

Like, how do you cook or leave your house without crying?

What's your fuckin' secret?!

I remember being in Grade 10 English class

having a screaming fight with my English teacher, Mr. Wilson,

because he was adamant that we would never see weed

legalized in our lifetime.

But I had a dream.

And it turns out, we were both right.

So rest in peace, Mr. Wilson!

The only thing you got right in high school.

"How do you stay so positive?"

See the previous answer.

It's actually a four-step process.

Feel free to write it down.

Weed...

Mushrooms...

- Golden retriever...

- Repeat.

If you have a problem in your life

and you take those three easy steps, I promise you,

if you just keep repeating it, eventually you'll become

a famous gay comedian and everything will be fine.

Worked for me!

-"Any advice for newlyweds?" - Ha!

Nope!

Too late!

Yeah, we got another two!

Advice for newlyweds? We've talked about this before.

Uh, go to bed angry.

I know the instinct is to laugh at that, but that phrase,

"Don't go to bed angry," is bullshit

because it teaches you your emotions have to work

on someone else's timeline, and that's shit.

Like, if your relationship is strong enough,

you can both be mad at each other for a few days

while you work through your shit.

- I go to bed angry all the time. - Yeah!

Jer goes to bed angry more times than he goes to bed.

It's mathematically impossible, but he's found a way.

- I'm in therapy for it.

'Cause of me!

- Okay, babe, one or two more. - I love this one.

You're gonna hate it.

Well, than don't read it!

- No, I'm doin' it. - Pfft!

"Will Jer do an impression of Darcy?"

See, they want it!

Lemme get in character.

Okay, make it quick.

I have a really good one tonight.

"Jeremy...

"I'm retired.

"Goodnight!"

- Did he go?

Is he actually gone?

He fuckin' left!

Ha!

That... that might be the best impression he's ever done!

What the fuck?

It's been a while since I've been up here alone.

Well you know what? Fuck it, if he's gone...

Can we agree that shoes are prison for our feet?

- I hate it so much.

He won't let me do the show without shoes

'cause it's not safe but, wow, you've created a monster.

I hate the impressions so much,

so to get back at him I'm now thinking of sharing my favourite

and Jer's least favourite joke about him.

I'm going to. Okay, but you know what?

Before I do, I think I'd be remiss

if I didn't take this chance, 'cause I've been trying to,

like, find the words over the last year

to describe this feeling.

Jer and I have always said to each over the last couple years,

we work in the currency of time.

Because of the time you've all chosen to spend

watching our content online

and now coming to see us in person,

you have given us the time of our lives together.

Well, not together, 'cause he's not fuckin' here!

I always joke that I tolerate you,

and understand that's the comedian in me

putting up a defensive wall

because this is scary, but, like...

I'm...

I'm so fucking grateful

for how you have changed and enriched our lives,

and I just need you to know

that it's not something we take lightly,

and I love you all so much for supporting us

and for being here with us.

Uh, it's something I hope we can repay with these stupid jokes

over the years, but thank you for--

- Yeah!

Thank you for choosing to spend your time with us.

Okay, that all being said, let's make fun of Jer.

Woo!

This is my favourite story about Jer.

This is the story of the first time I ever saw Jer stoned.

This is 15 years ago,

before he became the stoner you all helped create.

We were at a friend of mine's for a party

and they had two types of brownies, right?

They had the normal ones, and then the ones without weed.

And I watched as Jer grabbed a weed brownie.

And judge me all you want,

we already know I'm a shitty husband,

so yeah, I let him drug himself.

And so, Jer eats this brownie and, like,

45 minutes later, I see him shuffling up across the floor.

I'm pretty sure it took him 45 minutes to get to me.

And he finally gets to me and he's like,

"Hey..."

And I'm like, "Hey..." And he's like, "We gotta go."

And I'm like, "Where do you wanna go?"

And he's like, "7-Eleven!"

And I'm like, "Fuck, yes!"

'Cause back me up, long-term relationships,

you don't leave a party to hump, you leave a party to get

four bags of chips to watch 10 episodes of Grey's Anatomy.

Like, that's a sexy night at home!

That is what I want!

So I take him to 7-Eleven and I unleash him on the store.

I stay in the car.

He comes back, $78 later.

$78, 15 years ago.

That's like $700 today.

And we're driving home,

and this is back when we lived in a little town called Ladner,

and by little town, the closest thing we had

to gay pride parade was when Jer and I would check the mail

at the same time.

- Like, "Hey...

"Look, honey, pitchforks! Short parade today!"

And we're driving down our little country road

and there's a police roadblock.

They're looking for drunk drivers or stoned drivers.

I'm not worried. I didn't drink anything.

I didn't smoke anything.

We're fine.

Mm-mm!

Something in Jer's head fuckin' snaps.

He thinks they're gonna see his munchies

and know that he, as the passenger,

is on marijuana!

So what does he do?

He starts dumping shit out the window!

Everything's gotta go!

♪ Clearance sale! ♪

And the fattie in me is like,

"Not the salt and vinegar chips, you son of a bitch!"

And the cops are like, "Pull over."

I'm like, "Really? Why?"

And the cop pulls me out of the car.

Thank God it's our little town. I know the cop.

And he's like, "What is going on with Jer?"

I'm like, "Jer's stoned." He's like, "Jer is stoned?!"

I was like, "I know! It's the best night of my life!

"I gotta go!"

- Without saying anything else,

the cop grabs his baton off his belt,

runs over to Jer's side of the car,

and just starts wailing on the door.

He's like, "What the fuck are you doing with your life?!"

It took three weeks to get the smell of piss out of our car.

Still worth it.

I didn't pee!

- Oh-ho!

She's back. Are you done your stupid impression?

[offstage] Bitch, I'm just getting started!

Oh my God...

Well, hello, everybody.

My name's Darcy Michael.

Can you see me?

Jeremy, I'm on vacation--

from my medication.

Oh, look at me, I'm a fucking idiot!

- Oh, wow.

Oop!

Oww!

Oh, no!

Oh, I hurt my knee!

Wow...

Now I can't drive my Ram 1500!

- Okay, enough.

It's Ram 15 Hunter.

- Don't know, don't care.

This is-- okay, are you done?

'Cause I'm sick of you trying to steal my life.

Look at this!

He forces me to come back to work,

he steals the house husband thing,

and now he's dressed like me as well?

This is scary-- No. You know what?

Tonight I'm taking back the house husband.

House husband, baby!

Oh, look, everybody, the fagoots have arrived!

Settle down! He said, "faggots"!

The scariest part of doing this show

is whether or not I remembered to put this on.

We can't thank you enough for being here tonight.

Thank you for hanging out.

Can I get a round of applause for Jer?

- 50 shows!

From corporate stooge to this!

And keep it going for Darcy!

Back on stage where he belongs!

You did so good. I'm so proud of you.

- Thank you so much, Nanaimo. - Thank you.

Be kind to yourselves.

- Yuma!

- Yuma! - Yuma!

- Look! Yuma!

- Come here! Hi! - Hi! Aww!

She's like, "Who's got rocks?!"

Yuma, look!

Okay, Yuma can go. You have to go.

This way, buddy! This way! Go to Candace!

Aww!

- Yuma! - Aww, Yuma!

Okay, really, we gotta go. Thank you all so much.

We love you!

We tolerate you!

- Remember to take your meds! - Goodnight!

- Thank you!

♪ ...it's been years in the making ♪

♪ And I'd do it over again ♪

♪ It's been years in the making ♪

♪ Right now I'm in my zone ♪

♪ Put your eyes on me ♪

♪ I got the scars to show it didn't come for free ♪

♪ It's been years in the making... ♪