Original subtitles

[Music]

the surat was being besieged by reports

of mysterious flying objects in the sky

these ridiculous stories must stop

inspector these flying saucer fairy

tales must be traced to their source and

exposed before panic sets in all over

paris i understand commissioner i will

dispel the utter nonsense of this whole

silly affair

[Music]

do you have an appointment

look inspector you must see it not to

believe it

it is my duty to warn you that anything

you say or do may be used against you

you do get in here

this entire affair is beginning to take

on a more suspicious appearance there

folks see you species

quickly we must get aboard the next

rocket to outer space

fortunately there was a rocket mission

scheduled for today

radar had locked in on the

commissioner's radium dialed watch and

had tracked him to the planet or nova

there is no scheduled stop at your nova

inspector however we shall see what we

can do

the crew will lend any assistance it can

bon voyage missions

[Music]

the crew looked very cooperative

although not very intelligent

[Music]

trajectory secured

second stage separation

orbital velocity

this is as close as we come to the

planet your nova

discharge passengers

[Music]

hey i don't like so good this funny

thing that makes me nervous on the

insides of my body i know juju monami

but somewhere on this strange planet is

the kidnapped commissioner see don't say

c say we

see

i mean we

by the looks of these jars someone or

something

has the ghastly hobby of collecting

creatures from various planets

[Music]

i hope we don't get collected my

infallible second sense tells me that

the commissioner is very close

you do stop that tapping while i'm

trying to think eh but i didn't do

anything i didn't know nothing anything

at all that's a promise

socrates blew do commissioner holy

freehold is the commissioners in a jar

how are we going to get in from the

outside to the inside or inside from the

backs or upside

oh my goodness

[Music]

so it is you

put up your hands you and the entire

planet are under arrest or kidnapping

now come along quietly and no one will

be earth eh especially me

i will put him down on one count of

resisting or rest

if i know how to count

you force me to shoot monsieur

watch it buddy striking and officers are

very serious offense you know that

inspector arrested uh thing

immediately

another time perhaps eh i must make

another call first at you

a coward dies a thousand deaths

inspector but he who fights and runs

away lives

you are right

and away we go

[Music]

i meant to warn you that creature comes

equipped with laser beam vision

fortunately i have a pocket mirror and

this will reflect the beam back to him

[Music]

unfortunately he also had a mirror that

thinks

what do we do now for sex alive

chihuahua i am rocking my fertile brain

[Music]

inspector as your superior i order you

to protect my rear

[Music]

you do as my subordinate officer it is

your duty to guard my rear now guard it

remind me to reprimand you for

dereliction of duty see i mean we

hold everything

calming down

it is one of our spacecraft

it is as i had planned

there will land we will go aboard and

return to earth

we seem to have missed the boat for the

rocket or something one question

inspector when is the next rocket due to

land here

according to my calculations

it will end again in about five years

what

why you idiot can't i trust you with

anything i will have you thrown in the

bastille you will found a piece you will

hang from your heels

[Music]

a treacherous band of motorcycle

woodlands had been terrorizing the

countryside

my assignment was to apprehend the gang

and bring them in for disturbing the

peace of rats

i soon picked up the trail of pigalle

the leader of the gang

halt in the name of the law

ah shut up copy up

very well i shall ride your tires with

gunshots

[Applause]

i got bulletproof tires

[Laughter]

my tires are also bulletproof

unfortunately the rest of my car was not

bulletproof

undaunted by this temporary mishap i

quickly held a cab

i am a police officer now you follow

that motorcycle huh

come back here you fool

i decided to ride on the running board

like in the movies you know

stop you fool or i'll be forced to shoot

at you

i'll show him

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

now i've got it man that's a blind alley

stop the taxi here driver

when i say stop i mean

[Music]

i stopped

to fight fire with fire

only a man with amazing powers of

deduction such as myself could possibly

have discovered the gang's secret

hideout

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

hey pika there is somebody coming

ah it's that dumb cop that give me a

hard time in the city

hey

would you say we have some fun with you

man boys

that copper will be the first guy to hit

skid row on the way up

surrender in the name of the lord

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

he's coming back up again don't worry

we'll mow him down

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

um

[Applause]

[Music]

having made quick work of my two

pursuers i went back to finish off the

rest of the gang

all right big al

come out with your hands up high

is this high enough for you

bombs away

oh no

[Applause]

this explosive finale ended the riotous

career of pigalle and his shiftless gang

on the way back to headquarters the

commissioner congratulated me on a very

fine job

[Applause]

he told me how proud he was of the way

which i handled his whole affair

he was quite obviously very much

impressed

it's always gratifying to know when

you've made a big hit with the boss

[Music]

the entire affair began when sergeant

judo and i were assigned to apprehend a

notorious pickpocket known as spider

pierre

this disreputable bistro is one of

spider pierre's favorite haunts i

believe i could trap him if i had some

money to flash around in there you know

juju dear boy how much money do you have

i don't got any money in specter you

haven't eh

huh

well what do you call this huh but but

in spatter you can take this money

i just want to borrow a thousand francs

what's the matter don't you trust me see

i do trust you but i got to told you

about these pesos

not pesos franks

you're welcome

a snifter of buttermilk please and be

quick about it as you can see i have

plenty of money to pay for it

we miss you i always demand the best of

service which i can easily afford my

wallet is so full of money hurry up

what's keeping you a rich person like me

doesn't have all day you know well it's

about time another minute and you'll

have gotten no tip that will be 15 sun

teams monsieur

something is wrong monsieur

yes i've been robbed

ah

just as i thought a deadbeat

[Music]

what happened inspector

my pocket was picked oh

that dirty wallet blocking pocket picker

you do loan me another thousand francs

to flash around here

by inspector

you shouldn't take this that's an other

sergeant now hand it over but this money

is not there no argument please

now synchronize your watch

see

what's the trouble he won't sing from an

eyes

you idiot you it has to be synchronized

with my watch

what's the matter inspector

my watch is gone also my badge my wallet

my comb

my diners card

my fountain pen and my mother's

picture we're not dealing with a

pickpocket we're dealing with a vacuum

cleaner

we spot the spider running into an

alleyway and we gave chase

i guess i will have to use my spider

webly special

[Music]

sergeant get out and see who ran into us

[Music]

holy freehold

hey in spite

get an eyeful of the eiffel

boys it off

it didn't take me long to get back on

the spider's trail

[Music]

this insulin spider fella was beginning

to try my patience

you wouldn't dare

oh yes i would

[Music]

sergeant call an ambulance

[Music]

i don't understand

if he wants an ambulance

why he takes the subway

you criminal you i'll show you that you

cannot break the law

make a note of that judo is also

breaking the law of gravity

[Music]

all right spider i'm coming up to get

you

i warn you this is your final chance you

better surrender

[Music]

you you peeping tom

oh you want some lord

well that's police base for you

he's got it soaps and down

okay now senor spider

you better give it up or i'm going to

let you hobby

he is going to let me have it

[Laughter]

hey spider i think he's got the

soon after that the steel doors of

prison closed upon spider pierre

unfortunately they closed upon me also

that stupid sergeant dudu had loaned me

his child's play money and i was up on a

counterfeit rap however when i get out

i've decided to go straight straight to

sergeant judo's house and clobber him

[Music]

i remember when the whole affair began

sergeant judo and i were having lunch

together

sandwich sounds delicious

it's my favorite

how about treading a peanut butter

sandwich for one of yours huh no thank

you i don't like buttered peanuts

that's an order sergeant now hand it

over please

see

spacer

it's good

what was it

it's tabasco chili peppers and garlic

butter

attention

this is the commissioner speaking yeah

we read you sir be on the lookout for a

yellow sedan

driven by a man called eggs

and stop eating garlic

yes sir

there goes eggs now after hand

[Music]

[Music]

we'll never catch him now

can you see the road again i can't see

anything

you better slow down reliable to

[Music]

you think that's funny

[Laughter]

[Music]

like all fugitives mr x was constantly

on the move so i decided that the best

way to affect his capture was to take

him by surprise

[Music]

thrusting this minor setback aside

i began planning my necks to move

egypt was sworn for that time of year

but things were going to get even warmer

for mr x

[Music]

i suggest you surrender by the time i

count to three or your bones will bleach

under the sahara sun

[Music]

[Music]

for two days we doggedly trailed x

through the worst sandstorm in this

howl's history

paints peter

can we stop for a minute

what for

i got sand in my shoe

[Applause]

we tracked the elusive eggs up the snowy

slopes of kilimanjaro

i think i got chill planes all over my

foot

well can you think of a better place to

have them

see

and your food inspector

aha

now you've trapped yourself x you've got

no place to go but down

[Music]

ah the poor devil he's taken the quick

way out

why that treacherous swine if i had my

hands on him

you got your hands on me let go

uh remember we're in this together oh i

wish i was home

in bed

good thinking edu you've just saved us

from a rather nasty situation i think we

got another nasty situations in this

tent with

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

us are you okay inspector

of course i'm all right

except for a scratch or two

[Music]

holy free holy i hate to see a man go to

pieces like that

after many unsuccessful attempts to

capture the elusive mr x

we admitted defeat and return to

headquarters

so you did not get it eh well gentlemen

i have a little surprise for you

let me introduce you to monsieur x alias

capitan dumont our new physical training

instructor

oh that was a good workout we had eh now

how about some calisthenics the only way

to keep physically fit

[Music]

work out

why you

[Music]

sacrifice come over him

oh he's just having a physical fit

[Music]

the notorious desperado toulouse le

mousse had escaped to shelby after

jumping back

there he had been apprehended and i was

sent to return him to paris

company halt

new sherbrooke police are dismissed i

will take over from here

[Music]

all right hold out your hand

i will put these pretty little bracelets

on to keep from losing there

and to make sure i will throw away the

key

now you ugly brute it's time to catch

the paris express

march

[Music]

resisting an officer

now you have played right into my head

i was secretly hoping you would put up a

struggle so i could rough you up a bit

the saurote is not used to taking

foolishness from like criminals like you

when i say merch

i don't mean april i don't mean june i

mean much

[Music]

you're trying my patience monsieur put

your hands up

put them down down please

imbecile you have fractured my police

pistol if you think we're going to miss

that train just think again monsieur

you're going even if i have to pay

baggage rates on you now april i mean

march

needless to say i did not check him as

baggage because i would have had to ride

in the baggage car with him

oh my pretty one i would like to see you

make just one false move

he made a false move

but i did not get a chance to see it

[Music]

my prisoner was not only escaping from

the law but with the law which of course

was very embarrassing to me

this has gone far enough i command you

to halt in the name of the lord

you fool you idiot can't you be more

careful with me watch out the wall

[Music]

[Music]

this case was beginning to have a lot of

loose ends and i was one of them

[Music]

you are only making it worse for

yourself

here comes a truck quick get off to the

side of the road

[Music]

it was our misfortune to choose a very

busy highway

those hounds had picked up the scent

again

as usual when things seemed almost

insurmountable a brilliant thought

crossed my mind

in a moment

you go your way and i'll go mine

[Music]

after a long tiring day the moose

decided to catch 40 wings he was on his

39th wink when i deduced he was safely

asleep it was now

or never

it's nothing you just have a small bump

on the top of your head i can easily fix

it in a jeep

after that we both settled down for 80

wings

[Music]

by morning the hounds were closing in on

us

[Applause]

okay

[Music]

i was almost at the end of my row i mean

my chain

when i was seized with a sudden

inspiration

i have a plan that cannot fail

follow

me of course anyone could have thought

of it anyone with a sharp quick mind

that is

7 10 is due any minute now huh now the

passing train will sever the chain and

separate us

[Music]

it was then that the moose directed my

attention to a slight oversight in my

plan yay

[Music]

[Applause]

we are free free at last you beautiful

museum

[Music]

as i said before i am taking you back to

paris so no more arguments

i was quite sure this time that toulouse

le mousse would not jump the band

[Music]

the elusive smuggler captain calamity

had always managed to sleep through our

fingers

so when we received a tip that he had

been seen somewhere near the waterfront

sergeant judo and i rushed immediately

to the scene

[Music]

well here we are sergeant judo now we'll

get to the bottom of worlds eh stop here

[Applause]

[Music]

oh boy this is one of those bad days

i should have stayed in the wrong side

of bed

[Music]

hey captain calamity you know what what

is it crab louie

i think i see cups

cops i hate cops you know how i hate

them you know how they irritate me and

you know what happens when i get

irritated

see i break out in pearls

climb down clem down after all that is

what we are smuggling no

listen crab louie they may be pearls to

you but they're ulcers to me

we soon learned about the smuggler's

ship she was anchored just offshore

pull hard around those doors back there

judo that ship looked like it's about 10

miles out and i want to reach her before

dark faster

see

faster

see

ah yes i'm beginning to see her more

clearly

[Music]

you stupid fool are you going to sit

there we're sinking

i go getting new boats and you wait

right here eh

next time i sit in the back end

this is close enough judo

see

don't say see say we see i'm i mean we

hi there this is the police

what you want copper

i am coming aboard to search you drop a

lie

very well here she comes

one more robot's coming up or going down

i don't know which hand is open anymore

what to do about it

[Music]

uh hold it steady judo pleaser

c

say we

not

c

okay okay boss but you know i think i'm

getting a little we sick

that's c

not we

i got enough sea already

all right all of you in there don't move

this is the police

[Music]

that was just a warning copper

i think the inspector must be you know

one of those guys an underwater cover

agent one of those who

i don't know

[Music]

this way if i sing you sing

see

then they come again i knew they

wouldn't give up i knew it i knew it

don't worry mon capitan

this time i fix those coppers real good

you bet

[Music]

well it's back to the dry dock or the

dry gooses i don't know i'm going to

call mom

now you understand you do

this operation calls for absolute

silence

see

shut up your fool at another world out

of you

[Music]

hey spectre is okay if i talk now

it became obvious to me that this case

did not present much of a challenge

so before i became bored with the whole

affair i decided to close in on the

culprits

[Music]

oh that's a cold luger

put up your clammy hands you're under

arrest don't shoot i'll tell you

anything you want to know i'll squeal

i'll blab i'll spill the works i'll talk

just try me ask me anything i'll talk

i'll talk

this is a clam

drop it copper

don't try to shoot it out

you got no place to dock for cover

that is where you are sadly mistaken

monsieur

[Music]

that will be sufficient now drop those

weapons you heard them drop them drop

them

[Music]

uh judo dear boy attend to the

formalities of the arrest please see it

okay you hombres your goose is cooked so

don't fool around because oh boy if you

do

[Music]

are you ready down there judo

see i want you to throw this ship into

port as evidence

see inspector are you coming down now no

no my dear boy i'm going to ride on this

one those little boats aren't safe eh

okay amigos start to roll pronto

the poor inspector he's sinking down in

the sea

don't say see

say we

[Music]

mackley truck the most vicious criminal

in the history of france had been

condemned to david's island

i was assigned to deliver him to that

stinking rotten place

all right get up there you big lomix

come on look alive move it

well mon capitan there's the island eh i

must say we've met actually in time man

huh

wait a minute

no no inspector that's not where you get

off that's don't you tell me where to

get up huh i'll tell you where to get up

eh

now lorry boat i'm getting out

i guess that's telling him off huh

come on you lazy monster i'll put your

back into it eh

struck stop

stroke stroke stop stop

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

here

[Music]

all right you swine

have you any last request before i leave

you here to rat on devils island

this ain't devil's island

it's deserted island

oh no

captain

captain

soccer blue and there won't be another

boat for six months

in the meantime big boy you are still my

prisoner you make one false move and i

will shoot you dead on site

aha now you've done it you have made a

false move

well take this

oh no i forgot to load my gun

[Music]

the only law now was the law of the

jungle

it would be the brute strength of a

gorilla versus the cunning mind of a

hawk

and with a bird brain like mine he

didn't stand that chance

come on out and fight you crummy little

punk

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

okay

i got a cheap one my shoulder

i tell you to come out and knock it off

why that big baboon i'll show him

[Music]

how do you like that eh

[Music]

there this ought to fill that big donuts

[Music]

all right you cowardly swine

come out into the open and face me like

a man where are you

no i'll finish you off once and for all

what's the matter with this stupid rope

[Music]

i'm gonna throw you off this cliff

don't bother

you hear that

nothing

it's only fair to warn you that this is

going to hurt

it hurts doesn't need

[Music]

there he is

when this rock hits him it will be all

over

oh no

[Music]

before you take me in inspector

there's something i'd like to get off my

chest

huh what's that

you

[Music]

while on an assignment to investigate an

eccentric scientist who was making

monsters without a license i apparently

lost my way

i'd better ask for directions at that

old house

[Music]

hey

master

i think it's done

[Music]

hey look master i smashed the ugly old

butterfly

it's me you fooled you know i sometimes

change into a bat

it's the role of the vampire

it ain't my fault that i'm stupid

you never give me no brains

let's face it erg you are obsolete now

come down here and i will show you my

greatest creation a monster to end all

monsters

isn't he a beauty

he's pretty all right

but how come he got no crying

it is because the brain for this monster

must be perfect

it must be witty and clever also cunning

crafty and courageous

now who do we know that's got the brain

like that

uh

how about him

perfect

go get him

excuse me but i seem to have lost my

direction

thanks anyway but i i have three other

directions to choose from sorry to

disturb you

don't let him get away

[Music]

be careful

don't turn his brain

stop hitting me you numb skull he got

away

there he goes

after him

oh heck he went in that hole

i'll drive him out and you cover him

okay

[Music]

here he

[Music]

i'll comes you're mad at me again

now i'm going to make you small so you

can go in that hole and get him

i say the magic word

teensy-weensy

now you're small

but how to lie

again

simple all i say is piggy wiggy

and you're big

you're small

now go get him

wait please before you hit me i would

like to say one last word

biggie wiggy

[Music]

teensy weensy

[Music]

what happened you fool

first he said thank you

yes yes

danny said um uh uh quincy wheezy

[Music]

there is only one way to get him out of

that hole

go to the castle's powder room and bring

back a keg of tnt

[Music]

i got

that and day

gonna blow that wise guy up with a cage

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

hurry let's get into the castle before

it goes off

[Music]

look at that you'd expect something more

imaginative from a scientist

this is an insult to my intelligence

[Music]

it should go boom any second

[Music]

who'd ever have told that transylvania

would be the first country to get to the

moon

[Music]

the paris police force decided to

experiment with the idea of using dogs

to track down criminals

now then private bowser pay strict

attention man

when i blow this whistle you are to obey

my commands huh it is a special kind of

whistle that dogs only can hear

listen

inspector

quit blowing that whistle

oh sorry commissioner sorry

now this is a shoe belonging to a

criminal

do you know what to do with it

no no stupid use your nose

sacroiliac descent your ninja poop

get the scent

[Music]

oh

[Music]

come back here private bowser come back

do you hear me

well at least he'll heal this dog

whistle

no time at all we were right back on the

corporate

[Music]

your seats mongrel won't you ever learn

that's a dummy

you see it's just a mannequin

a worthless

if funny you see even this gun is a

harmless toy

any

questions

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

stop

stop your stupid mutt

stop

i'll stop him with the whistle

[Music]

unloaded by this temporary mishap

private bowser and i soon picked up the

robber's trade

halt

quick get off the track you fool do you

want to get run over come on you

stubborn too late

[Music]

no dogs allowed on the train

quick behind these trunks

[Music]

the coast is clear private you can come

out now

[Music]

not out of there idiot

[Music]

[Music]

what's the matter with this door

[Music]

it must be struck

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

back at headquarters the commissioner

was very pleased at the way i had

handled this case you know

[Music]

it gives me great pleasure to award you

this medal for outstanding service

[Music]

well it was really sorrow i mean it was

nothing you know i

[Music]

congratulations private bowser i'll just

pin this medal on you

[Music]

stop it

would you please stop it that's another

stop you stupid man

leave him

oh

you know i thought she was a police dog

but she turned out to be a boxer

and a good one

[Music]

so

[Music]

[Laughter]

the news of the mad boomers prison break

put the commissioner in a state of

extreme agitation

especially we must apprehend this madman

as you know he swore to get the official

that sent him to prison

and that official is me

but don't worry i will protect you hey

this gift package here this came for the

commissioner maybe that's his birthday

or something eh don't touch it it could

be a boom

uh do you do c

take this package down to the lab and

subject it to the usual tests please

see

and don't say c say we

see i mean we

i mean

what do i mean

[Music]

he didn't explore i see i mean we

so you see it was absolutely harmless

here listen to the cuckoo

[Music]

shut up

i've listened to enough cuckoos for one

day

but commissioner this safest place for

you is where the mad boomer is not which

is right here which is where he is now

right

feinstein fails the police are locked up

while the crooks roam around free

just a moment do you have a license to

peddle these balloons

well it's a good thing you have

i don't believe it

i believe it

to further ensure the commissioner's

safety

i decided that we should leave

immediately for his country estate wait

i'd better check to see if the car has

been wired with a boom

everything is perfect sir you megadine

[Music]

now what nasty luck i blew out

well we'll take the armor-plated compact

and state

quick

was i uh speeding

no no you fool it's the mad bomber he's

running up that hill after him stop or

i'll shoot

i warn you i have been trained to kill

[Laughter]

[Music]

uh taxi taxi

we finally arrived at the commissioner's

country house where we enjoyed the

simple pastoral life

i have made a thorough search and you

can be sure that there is not one boom

on these premises

[Music]

a commissioner can you hear me if so

signify by moving your hand

the commissioner impressed it upon me to

search more painstakingly and i soon met

with success

[Music]

to render a boom harvest first you must

remain composed and second plunge the

boom into water as quickly as possible

i

hate you

we found the french riviera most

enjoyable

hurry up with my sunburn lotion

they're coming sir

ah

what is this

could it be a fuse

i believe it is a fuse commissioner

uh here's your sunburn lotion

i decided it would be safer to get out

of france

[Music]

but of course not relax and enjoy

yourself

ah

peace and quiet at last

[Music]

my on-airing powers of deduction finally

led to the capture of the elusive mad

boomer

and i magnanimously allowed the credit

to pass to my superior

the photographers are here now sir

very good sang with me

take off your hat you ill-mannered idiot

[Music]

and so with that i marked the case

officially closed

and that was the last of the mad boomer

or was it

[Music]

the most unusual case i have ever

handled concerned the marquis de

boulevard

every year she held a magnificent

charity ball at her chateau

marquisa wore her famous jewelry

including the largest diamond in the

world the plymouth rock

it was my duty to guard this beautiful

stone i had strict instructions never to

let it out of my sight of course i noted

a suspicious movement

and unfortunately took my eye off the

jewel

is momentarily i've been robbed

[Music]

adam's diamond has been stolen

and by order of the department of police

no one is to leave this room

no one is to leave this chateau no one

needs to leave paris

mail in your names

the commissioner was waiting for me in

his office intending to return the jewel

safely to his vault you had me worried

inspector give me the diamond come come

to sweet

the diamond has been stolen

i began my search into madame pulibun's

past for some clue

my initial efforts revealed that she had

been a chicken plucker who at the age of

42 inherited 41 million francs

after mulling it over in my fertile

brain i decided to start my

investigation at the scene of the crime

madame's chateau

i thought it's strange to be met at the

door by a chicken but i shrugged it off

as a probable reminder of madame's

humble past

[Music]

during my search for the clues eh i

discovered that all of my damn servants

were chickens

could it be that one of these chickens

stole the jewelry to get revenge on

madame

but no that theory is too wild where

would a chicken hide such a jewel they

could not possibly commit a crime of

this nature

or could they

by now i was convinced that i should try

phase two of my investigation junior

dear boy please come here huh

one of these chickens stole the jewel

fortunately i brought my chicken

disguise with me

oh are you beautiful

yes but of course

completely inconspicuous i moved about

freely among the chickens

something told me that i had better

learn their language

i soon mastered the chicken language and

decided to question the most likely

suspect the butler i would appear you

know very friendly to him by telling him

one of my better jokes

of course now he trusted me as a friend

to show his friendship he told me a joke

about a dumb inspector looking for a

jewel stolen by the chickens

dom inspector indeed this made it clear

to me that this was the guilty party he

had guilt written all over his face

put up your wings you are under arrest

take this chicken in for question a

chicken

i don't know what kind of questions you

ask a chicken never mind just do as i

say please see don't say c say we see i

mean we i mean oh

oh okay

come on let's go see your chicken marge

and do not say senor same as you see not

see

we see i mean we

okay chicken out with it now why did you

cross the road with the red suspenders

and guard miss your palette i have

recorded your entire confession on my

ring tape recorder

now where did you hide that jewel

at last the casey salt open the door

miss you

[Music]

dear boy just step over here please for

a moment this scandal has hidden the

jewel inside one of these eggs now it is

up to

us to find which one now start looking

continue searching juju please we will

find the right one sooner or later

holy smokes i never seen anything like

this

something that's so good you do give me

that egg

this is obviously a decoy planted by the

chickens it is my duty to examine it

wow

i mean how shocking

[Music]

i i must confiscate this for uh you know

evidence huh now back to work you do

hey look at that oh boy what a stroke of

luck

did you have

another can can oh judo dear boy come

here look at this one eh

[Music]

and away we go

[Music]

is undergoing its annual spring cleaning

an event which presented its annual

problem of guarding the family oil

against theft

what do you think of it inspector well

it's

obviously a cheap grade of glass

why don't you try looking through the

eyepiece instead of the diamond

oh yes i can see better now that's very

expensive yes of course

the gold stone is what exactly 10

billion flanks

it is your responsibility to gather for

24 hours

lose it

and you'll pay for it

well in that case i simply shall double

the standard security measures

judo

judo i want you to process this jeweler

through identification and check it for

fingerprints goodbye you do you call me

inspector yes judo

i could never understand how he got into

the french police force give me the

jewel please eh

what joy laid on having no joy the one

that i placed in your black gloved hand

a moment ago please how'd you do but

senor i am wearing the white gloves

[Music]

[Music]

west i'm white i'm wrong

swiping the diamond from police

headquarters was really using our heads

what do you mean we was my head were

used you always think you're the head

with the brain

i'm not a three-time loser like you

please gentleman confusion say three

head not always better than one shut up

truth we always out cannot cover up

[Music]

[Music]

quick follow that max mobile

you may turn in your police card see and

don't say see

say we

see i mean we i don't know what i mean i

want to go home

the inspector is on our trail

let him have it

[Music]

he's still following us

open bombays

bombs away

[Music]

hmm

[Music]

that brings the total to 55 billion

francs plus one auntie desk

come on wong let's see the jewel don't

lush me

oh

oh oh what you mean

i just make discovery we have hole in

our pocket

fortunately for your career we found the

diamond

do you think you can keep your eye on it

for the remaining twenty three and one

half hours

this way we don't get parking ticket

confusion say shut up

this time i put the diamond in my own

safe for safe keeping

halt ouch insidious blackout you hulk in

the name

i trailed my quarry to a disreputable

hotel on the left bank

you do see you guide the stairs but i

take the elevator

[Music]

they kept their hotel room under

surveillance

all right you treacherous swine i warn

you i can't see every move that you make

but you do it come here dear boy hank

what do you see when you look through

this keyhole

holy magnificent

control yourself do you do that's enough

a way away only look at that i never

seen it like that something oh

[Music]

all right come out of there or i'll

shoot by the time i count to three

one

two

three

last i closed in on the mats o'reilly's

hideout and surrounded it

because let's beat it well we can't get

caught with a hot diamond on us

confusion always say place for hot ice

is in glass of cold water observe

diamond and joy welcome incognito

don't move

[Music]

all right man spread out and search

these premises and also the grounds

[Music]

what's this ice water but you know about

that

well i hereby confiscate this ice water

in the name of thirst

[Music]

very uh looking gold stone here nurse

sends us to the lab for a biopsy

[Music]

so you see whenever i think of the gold

case

it brings back tender memories to me eh

[Music]

was undergoing its annual spring

cleaning an event which presented its

annual problem of guarding the family

joel against theft

what do you think of it inspector well

it's

obviously a cheap grade of glass

why don't you try looking through the

eyepiece instead of the diamond

oh yes i can see better now that's very

expensive yes of course

the gold stone is worth exactly 10

billion flanks

it is your responsibility to gather for

24 hours

lose it

and you'll pay for it

well in that case i simply shall double

the standard security measures

judo

judo i want you to process this jeweler

through identification and check it for

fingerprints

you do you call me inspector

yes jodo

i could never understand how he got into

the french police force give me the

jewel please eh

what joy lied on having no joy the one

that i placed in your black gloved hand

a moment ago please how'd you do but

senor i am wearing the white gloves

[Music]

in the name of josephine

[Music]

i'm west i'm white i'm wrong

swiping the diamond from police

headquarters was really using our heads

what do you mean we was my head we used

you always think you're the head with

the brain

i'm not a three-time loser like you

please gentleman confusion say three

head not always better than one

up

truth we always out cannot cover up

[Music]

quick get in the matzo mobile

[Music]

[Music]

and don't say see

say we

see i mean we i don't know what i mean i

want to go home

[Music]

the inspector is on our trail

let him have it

[Music]

he's still following us

open bombays

bombs away

[Music]

grab it clouds your sneaks you

sector iliac that brings the total to 55

billion francs plus one empty desk

come on wong let's see the jewel don't

lush me

oh oh oh oh what you mean

i just make discovery we have hole in

our

pocket fortunately for your career we

found the diamond

do you think you can keep your eye on it

for the remaining 23 and one half hours

this way we don't get parking tickets

confusion say

this time i put the diamond in my office

safe for safekeeping

fault pouch insidious blackout you hulk

both in the name

i trailed my quarry to a disreputable

hotel on the left bank you do see you

guide the stairs while i take the

elevator

[Music]

i kept their hotel room under

surveillance

all right you treacherous swine i warn

you i can't see every move that you make

but you do i come here dear boy hank

what do you see when you look through

this keyhole

holy magnifique

control yourself due to that's enough a

way away holy ma look at that i never

seen it like that something oh

[Music]

all right come out of there or i'll

shoot by the time i count to three

one

two

three

at last i closed in on the mats

o'reilly's hideout and surrounded it

because

let's beat it well we can't get caught

with a hot diamond on us

confusion always say place for hot ice

is in glass of cold water observe

diamond and joy welcome incognito

don't

move all right man spread out and search

these premises and also the grounds

[Music]

ah what's this ice water but you know

about that

well i hereby confiscate this ice water

in the name of thirst

[Music]

ah

a very expensive looking gold stone here

nurse sends us to the lab for a biopsy

[Music]

so you see whenever i think of the gold

case

it brings back danger memories to me eh

[Music]

for several months i had been trying to

capture a vicious criminal named louis

de laos

one night while i was going over some

clues on the case the commissioner

buzzed me

[Music]

yes inspector

would you mind stepping into my office

well i'm pretty busy right at the moment

yes sir

yes commissioner sir now pay attention

as i demonstrate our new automated

policeman first i flip this switch

feed his information

now watch

within seconds louis de

why that's incredible commissioner

just think of all the criminals you can

get rid of

that's not all i can get freedom

what do you mean by that sir

how do you like that replaced by a

crummy machine

[Music]

there was only one way to get my job

back

[Music]

oh

[Music]

oh that does it

[Music]

why you dirty take this

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

oh no

[Music]

i'll teach that mechanical monster to

fool around with me

hey you stupid

[Music]

[Applause]

i'm going to give that tin can copper a

hot foot right in the middle of his

career

[Music]

thanks a lot

[Music]

[Applause]

aha

there he is

[Music]

aha

[Music]

inspector

what are you doing

[Music]

so

[Music]

commissioner speaking

[Music]

oh

yes sir

you say you're pleased with the robot

oh

thank you

what's that

you're promoting the robot to whose job

[Music]

how do they expect you to eat this slap

ah shut up and pass this side

[Music]

the moment i walked out of headquarters

and started across the street

i knew that something was wrong

even the simple act of getting on an

elevator gave me a peculiar sensation

for some strange reason i didn't feel

quite right

it even got so i was afraid to smoke one

of my favorite after the new cigars

for fear you know it would explode

so i stuck to my trusty old pipe

i finally decided to see a psychiatrist

tell me what seems to be troubling you

i'm beginning to suspect that i might be

accident prone

oh yes you do have a problem

as i was saying doctor i need help

after two weeks and five thousand francs

the doctor reached a conclusion someone

is trying to get rid of you

ah what a relief it was to have the

mystery salt

i felt free as a burden flight

suddenly everything came into focus the

priceless dubarry diamond was to be

exhibited publicly and the joel thieves

were in paris to steal it

i alone knew where the diamond was

hidden and i was keeping it under my

head

they knew the only way they could get a

diamond would be over my dead body

kept my eyes my ears open

as a precaution i rented a mine detector

to check out my pad you know for a booby

trap

[Music]

just as i suspected

[Music]

i was pleasantly surprised you know when

i learned that the famous movie star

melody mercuricom and her maid were in

the room next to mine

i decided to get acquainted

stealing the diamond will be a cinch but

first we must get rid of that stupid

copper

[Music]

good morning beautiful neighbor how

about joining me for a candlelight

dinner for two eh i'll be right over

we'll split the pizza together

now go get him you know what to do don't

worry darling i will finish him off

pizza

where do i find a pizza in paris pizza

pizza

get to your head the pizza here what a

coincidence a strolling pizzeria

fill it up mamma mia and keep the change

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

up the job now i want him out of the way

before morning

well all right melody you are the boss i

could work much better if i didn't have

to wear this maid outfit

time is running out we must destroy him

at once don't panic i'm going to give

him the bird

a mechanical homing pigeon that lays

golden palms

i simply press this button

[Music]

and off he goes

[Music]

well

i don't hear no boom boom

don't worry you will

[Music]

[Music]

well the thieves blew the job right

there

the next day i delivered the diamond

right on schedule

good morning sir it was a frightening

experience but here is the diamond

safe and sound

thank you

but i had the real diamond all the time

yours was a fake

i hope that your feelings aren't hurt oh

nerf course not as a matter of fact i

have a little gift for you

a golden pigeon egg

how interesting

[Music]

i hope that your feelings aren't hurt

every feeling in my body hurts

[Music]

and the day before i was to leave on my

vacation i was summoned to the

commissioner's office

inspector foreign agents have just

stolen our government secret code book

and i am assigning you to recover it

good commissioner how about my vacation

my ship leaves the first thing in the

morning shut up and listen

they have hidden the code book in their

embassy and since we have no legal right

to enter the building you will have to

sneak in

but commissioner now get going that's an

order

yes sir

rather than sneak into the embassy i

decided to casually walk right through

the front gate bluff my way huh

then take them by surprise

i decided to try the back gate

[Music]

hmm

oh

[Music]

oh no

[Applause]

[Music]

why don't you look where you're going

you crazy nut

i devised a clever scheme to get rid of

the dog thereby getting access to the

building

meow

meow

[Music]

meow

[Music]

[Music]

meow meow

[Music]

this will fix that monster

[Music]

[Music]

now i will swing right into the window

tarzan style

[Music]

[Music]

that stupid dog won't stop me disturb

[Music]

[Music]

oh

having had little success in going over

or around that vicious mangle i decided

to tunnel up into the building

[Music]

boy it's dark inside of here i better

light a match

mother

[Music]

[Music]

there and that is that

[Music]

must be in there

[Music]

yikes

[Music]

here's the code book sir no time to

explain

[Music]

have a good vacation

and don't forget to write

i will sir yes as soon as i get the

chance

[Music]

[Music]

the whole affair began as i had just

finished my marketing and like everybody

else i took my groceries home in the

shopping cart

well inspector

i see you're feeling pretty good today

but of course you know even though you

are a policeman

you'll never get away with it get away

with what stealing a shopping cart but i

was just borrowing it i i'll take it

back at once

it's too late my friend

even now the proprietor is reporting the

theft was shut down

how are the wife and kids sergeant just

fine thank you

there's only one thing to do now

get rid of that count and fast

[Music]

now that's much better isn't it

inspector

[Music]

except for just one little thing

what little thing

you left your fingerprints all over it

[Music]

hey inspector what are you doing with

that stolen shopping cart

i've just got to get rid of this thing

[Music]

and this statue is 500 years old

and over here ladders and gentlemen we

have a

stolen shopping cart

call the police

stop him

[Music]

you better do something quick inspector

they're closing in on you

[Music]

inspector

you knew you couldn't get away with this

didn't you

yes yes i'm guilty i admit it

from now on keep your otto on the

straight not on the sidewalk

[Music]

hey stupid get out of the way or step on

it

oh shut up you big dummy

[Music]

i'll teach you to call me a big dummy

[Music]

i decided to park it at the curb

walk away

[Music]

now you're thinking put the count on the

track and let the train smash it to bits

[Music]

i finally devised a foolproof scheme to

get rid of it once and for all

there and that's that

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

well congratulations inspector you've

finally done it haven't you

headquarters is just around the corner

so cool it

good morning inspector goodbye sergeant

i'm afraid there is only one way out

inspector you're right it's the only

honorable thing to do

oh inspector don't forget your shopping

cart

oh of course we shall go together

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

shame on you

trying to stow away on my submarine

[Music]

that does it

now i've made up my mind

hey inspector

what are you going to do

something i should have done in the

first place

i waited until nightfall and then i made

my move

[Applause]

all i had to do was pick the lock

open the door and shove the cart in

[Music]

foreign

[Music]

[Music]

the commissioner of the paris orientae

suggested that i spend my summer

vacation in canada

this afforded me an opportunity to work

with the mounted police and study the

methods of canadian prison system

i was immediately assigned to guard a

vicious criminal named caribou lou

now unbeknown to me someone had smuggled

to him an armored car inside of a cake

he wasted no time in breaking out

[Music]

naturally he took me along as i hosted

we holed up in an isolated cabin miles

from anywhere

i detected at once that he was a person

that i could easily hate

now listen you're stupid kapil you're my

ticket to freedom so don't try to get

away understand

yes sir

we finally settled down for the night

i'm tying us together

so don't try no funny

stuff i lay there despising him until i

was sure he was asleep

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

i told you not to try anything funny

all right go out there and get some

firewood

yeah yes sir

oh in the mail

i'll be watching you

oh that's dirty that's no

[Music]

i think i know somebody who's going to

get a big surprise eh

oh no

[Applause]

and don't try that again

get the wood do

sleeping powder huh

[Music]

here's the porridge

wait a minute you've got the biggest and

i've got the littlest i'll take this one

and you take that one

wait it might be too hot i wouldn't want

you to burn your big mouth

hmm

no it feels cool enough

you can eat it you can yet

i'll take this one

now keep away from me and my powerage

[Music]

where that does it

[Music]

before you shoot may i have your

photograph

hey

are you phoning me

oh no no no sir you are a very famous

criminal can't you see someday your name

up there in lights huh

where

and your picture splashed across the

front pages everywhere what the made it

splash

you do have a good picture of yourself

eh

i ain't even got a bad one

you mean to tell me that your handsome

features and chiseled profile have never

been recorded and filmed

no

i reckon not

well you wait here and i'll go get a

camera

[Music]

you know

that monty is really a nice guy i've

decided i ain't gonna shoot him i'll

just stab him quickly

boy are we lucky it was the last one

they had

now this will be a time exposure so

you'll have to stand real steel eh

okay how is this

that's beautiful

now

hold it

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Music]

come on i can't stand here all day go

ahead and shoot

okay

smile

[Applause]

[Applause]

[Music]

inspector

is it true that you captured the

criminal single-handed

yes i must admit that i must i did it

yes

hold it inspector

just one more

[Applause]

what do you say to that to you

[Music]

makeup

makeup

[Music]

do

[Music]

uh

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

wait a minute you ain't hunting there

are you

oh no sir no as as you can see i'm

completely dressed

well i'm glad to know that

because if you were hunting bears i'd

have to do this

and this

[Music]

a little of this

so it's lucky for you that you ain't

hunting for bear

otherwise you might get hurt

[Applause]

[Music]

so

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

foreign

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

all right you quail

get out of my cage

[Music]

go on beat it

you're getting feathers in my honey

[Music]

get out

ugh

[Applause]

[Laughter]

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

so that's where you are eh

well take this

[Music]

[Music]

oh boy

that was a glass one

[Music]

maybe this'll pound some sense into your

head

[Music]

[Music]

so

[Music]

[Music]

i'll fix him

[Music]

oh no

oh yeah

that's perfect

yes

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

oh

do you have a hunting license

no i don't

well here's one

now go get em boy

with pleasure

[Music]

so

[Music]

dirty pierre le punk had escaped from

prison and i was assigned to bring him

in my instructions were to meet a

special agent in front of an old

abandoned house where pierre was hiding

out

good morning honorable inspector i am

charlie your special robot agent well

what do you know

an electronic cap

my computer brain can show you how to

put pierre back in who's gow why that's

incredible

okay charlie what is my first move

suggest best way to get here quick is

crashing door but use big stick

i'll have the handcuffs on that bum in a

matter of seconds

[Music]

oh make slight miscalculation so sorry

please suggest you use pineapple but

without carriage cheese

[Music]

hmm

[Music]

when planned bomb out get whirlybird and

drop bomb in

[Music]

[Music]

note honorable inspector have stiff

upper lip and hard set jaw but to catch

hardened criminal must have concrete

idea suggest you project self through

window with rocket and suck it to him

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

confucius say best way to finish off

dirty routes is chop down tree and bash

in house

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

when previous plan backfire next move is

on high wire

[Music]

one

[Music]

must never give up hope

this time use lasso rope

[Music]

oh

[Music]

this operation called kaboom guaranteed

to seal crook's doom

but i'm warning you if this plan doesn't

work i'll tear out your transistors one

by one

they don't call me dirty pierre just for

kicks you know

[Music]

i was to meet honorable inspector in

front of house

aha

here he comes now

and show you how to save wear and tear

have great idea on how to catch pierre

why you dirty i'll show you some wear

and tear

[Music]

better to split in than have split head

[Music]

come back here you mechanical maniacs

[Music]

the entire affair began on a thursday

evening when i received an urgent call

from the commissioner summoning me to

head cutters

inspector read this

tonight i shall add the louvre to my art

collection signed

the blooch

do we have a mug shot of this blooch

fellow there was a photo of him on my

desk

yeah i have never seen such a bleachy

mess that is my wife you fool this is

the blotch

yes of course i'm very familiar with

this type of criminal face

i am assigning you and sergeant doodoo

to spend the night in the loop you must

guard those priceless art treasures and

i warn

a very good sarah

[Music]

did you lock all the doors judo c

don't say c say we

see i mean we are the only ones here in

the labor

don't say leave her say louisville over

never mind

look at that some sloppy artists left a

bleach of paint right on the floor

did you hear that judo

hey there must be someone else here in

the label

i'll do the deducting you do you can

please go guard the stairs

see

why anyone would want to steal a

painting like that i'll never know

however no one is going to steal

anything behind my back

[Music]

she is

me and the inspector had a hard time

keeping our eyes and the picture because

they were moving pictures

of course they move off one wall

and then we turn our back for just one

momento caramba they move again quick

black all these sections

i block all the experts except one

unlucky one that i didn't see i mean we

oh they have bloodshot he keeps seeing

the pictures

big ones and the little ones he got from

the inspector's wallet oh boy has he

ever met

[Music]

all right you slippery bleach put up

your hands

aha

stop your thing

the inspector i got

[Music]

hey inspector here's a picture of you

and he said good one don't buy rembrandt

[Music]

quick we'll trap him at the top of the

stairs

i warn you blooch one false move and

i'll give you such a karate chap that

will split you in two

okay you asked for it

[Music]

[Music]

inspector

is this a good time to take aca stuff

now remember judo the alert

the blooch is an insidious type that

will sneak up behind

you a thousand pardon inspector i didn't

know it was you

who did you think it was

i thought it was him

quick give me your gun hold or i'll

shoot

[Music]

hey did you get him inspector

[Music]

blooch finally finished his dirty work

but only after he had cleaned out the

louvre which

unhappily left me to face the

commissioner's wrath

oh you stupid idiot if those paintings

are not back in the loop when the doors

open at eight o'clock in the morning the

french police will be the laughing stock

of all europe and you will never laugh

again as long as i live

[Music]

i discovered how to replace

4254 masterpieces before eight in the

morning was no easy matter

[Music]

judo would you please stop that

whistling

but you told me i'm supposed to be a

whistling mother

[Music]

[Music]

so

[Music]

the entire affair began when i was in

the police gymnasium giving sergeant

juju a lesson in the art of self-defense

now sergeant let's pretend you are a

criminal

and you're sneaking up behind me with a

pistol i'll pretend to be reading a

newspaper

see inspector don't pee

okay

i'm snooking up on you now

all right fletchford the is up

now

first i would grab his arm like this

then i would do this

and this

then a little bit of this

and a touch of this

and if he still resisted i would give

him this and this

i'm one like this

then if he didn't surrender peacefully i

would finish him up like this

any questions

see

how do i join the peace corps

[Music]

hello oh yes commissioner you say a

shipload of bananas was hijacked yeah

hmm

probably the work of a gang

very good sir sergeant judo and i will

get right on it yes sir of course that's

you

well sergeant we have work to do

just a gentle reminder sergente always

be alert my boy

judy where have you been i told you to

stay in your room you want to get nabbed

and tossed in the zoo oh you're a

naughty one you are pinching bananas i

thought you had better sex

now you're getting that the room in four

years of peabody i'll give you a lump on

your cocoa now go all shake a hairy leg

[Music]

my unerring powers of deduction finally

led us to the gang's hideout

wait here judo i'm going to attend to

these scandals personally

if i need you i'll whistle

oh boy oh boy the whole jack hackers are

really going to get it now

that inspector boy he's so strong you

know

[Music]

all right up and up this is the police

i ain't done nothing honest governor i'm

clean i am

perhaps this will refresh your memory

oh

hi it looks like one of them things they

raps bananas then down

yes my friend and i intend to wrap up my

case against you with it

now you come along quietly

you ain't wrapping me in no banana pale

i got me right so yeah

you've had your chance to come quietly

now i shall have to use force on you oh

don't hit me governor i'm innocent i am

i don't want to fight

here here go ahead i'll give you the

first blow

oh that's a tempting offer but i decline

hit me will you praise your yellow swine

oh boy

this sounds like the inspector really

fixing those guys good

remember if you need me just whistle

don't worry i can't handle him i just

tripped on the rogue

spectre is my hero he's so strong

you miserable swine you and your lucky

punchers eh you let me see you do that

again

[Music]

hey if you need me just whistle

now you want some more eggs

just whistle

[Music]

now remember

whistle

i wonder why he lost him whistle

you don't have no time to whistle up

[Music]

i warn you you dirty guys i'm coming out

there no boy are you going to get it

[Music]

all right copper what do you want

okay where is the gang now of jack

hikers

there ain't no gang up here it's just me

so what are you gonna do about today

why you dirty leo

i'll teach you

how do you like these bananas

oh cut it out take it easy government

don't hit me again i bad it i surrender

i do

i'll teach you not to beat off the

inspector he's my hero

hey inspector i capture this one man

gang who beat you up with all those

lucky punches you know

come on loki is there a boost for you

yeah yeah troublemaker

that's sergeant dudu

he's my hero

so strong

[Music]

the entire affair began as usual in the

commissioner's office

you are to go to the rue skid row and

meet this agent he has information that

your life is in danger what i've read

books about these secret agents they are

immoral and untrustworthy and refuse to

deal with them lower your voice when you

yell at me now get down to skid row

without another world

yes of course commissioner yes sir i'm

very yes at once please

you big bumps over stuffed worries i

heard that

now get to work

yes so

this must be the place where we are to

meet that agent you do remember these

waterfront dives are very dangerous

places especially for policemen

that's why we are in disguise

so keep your mouth shut your eyes open

and your nose clean

what are you trying to do attract

attention and income poop i was only

keeping my nose open my ears shut in my

mouth clean i

don't think i need an operation

you know in a place like this a person

could get his throat slit

what it will be have a lot of slit i

mean split i don't know what i mean you

know i wish i was someplace else at home

one banana

one split

[Applause]

dirty frank including the table

why don't you learn to keep your big

spanish mouth shut

see he's no fun being me and every

morning have to shave a blubbers mouth

i love baby

well you've been all my life

oh you're so strong and domineering

i'll bet you got a girl in every report

but don't tell me about them or i will

get very jealous

how about you buy me a little drink no

may i remind you that you're still on

duty silent sergeant

[Music]

remember my big spanish mouth well she's

not so lonely now quiet

concentrate on running

a message from the elusive agent

suggested it would be safer if we met in

switzerland

if anyone asks you we are here to ski

c

not c

ski

ski senor

[Music]

holy free holy all of a sudden i'm

squeezing

five seconds ago i don't know how

now i'm doing it

i still don't know how

oh i'm running out of

oh

hey inspector you skis and downside up

hey inspector wait for me

and second thoughts don't

this indecisive agent next decided it

would be safer to meet in london

what puzzles me is why any sensible

secret agent would want to meet us at

2am in piccadilly circus

[Applause]

i say governor have an accident no

thanks we just had one

elusive agent decided to meet with us

beneath the bridge of size in venice

three jingle bells and all swell

silence

sacred pink it can be

dots dare send up a distress signal

[Music]

despite the primitive australian

transportation we were closing in on the

mysterious agent

he's just ahead of us on a motorbike

this agent must have a hole in his

launch bay

mosh you big feather duster

don't eat that that's a hand grenade

run for your life due to holy free holy

[Music]

shoot shoot go away guy away

[Music]

on the outskirts of nairobi i had the

feeling we were getting warm

at last we meet mr secret agent secret

agent no

insurance agent yes my card

you arranged all those disasters

merely to demonstrate the everyday

hazards of police work

this policy will cover you completely

sign here i will cover you completely

with bruises

inspector

maybe you should sign the policy

the pin please

[Music]

it was paris in the spring and the purse

snatchers were out in full bloom

one purse snatcher in particular the

commissioner was anxious to catch he was

operating in the fashionable hotel deal

why is it important i lived here and the

thief had the audacity to steal the

purse belonging to my wife

it's nothing sir you just have some

first natural stuff in your hand

don't bother me you do my career depends

upon catching this purse snatcher

what if he was to dress up as a woman he

wouldn't know the difference and would

snatch in your purse and you could name

him that's a very good idea to do

it's disgusting i will not wear this

ridiculous disguise

still it's a good idea

so you dress like a woman me don't argue

that's an order

i wish when i thunk off this idea that i

didn't

now i must get out of this outrageous

costume before inspector are you there

oh

i beg your pardon mumsel

you are

friend all the inspectors of course

you must be the inspector sister

my profound pleasure mum said

[Music]

i had the inspector page three times now

where can he be wishing without him

i want you to look upon me as a friend

my dear and i will look upon you as

my wife

oh no i'm afraid that's out of the

question my wife bridge club just came

in

we have got to get out of here

we've decided to eat out

[Music]

oh

that was quick thinking

now we must be realistic

we have gone to the parting of the waves

[Music]

what happened to your skirt come with me

i will get you one of my wife's skirts

from my apartment

i'll see if i can find something that

will fit you

is that you already oh

there i believe this one should fit you

my love

what are you doing home

i have a headache

what are you doing home

yeah i have a headache too i'll open the

drapes and let some fresh air in here

[Music]

open the door i'll give you a headache

this stupid disguise i've got to get out

of here

inspector

what are you doing here

would you believe i'm looking for a

purse snatcher would you believe i am

going to kill you

where is that brother of yours

where is that woman

what

there is no woman in here

[Music]

no a woman who was that alice

[Music]

you've got the flesh filled with them

almost here put that ways down and let

us discuss this like civilized people

believe me sir i can explain

you can explain after i kill you

i am going to evoke the unwritten law

[Music]

don't hide that divorce italian style

stuff with me

the treacherous inspector has been back

biting me

behind my back

that is not only an insult it is a lie

well

there is one simple way to prove it

the telephone i'm going to call him

if he is not in his office then he must

be here in which case he will suffer

[Applause]

[Music]

hello inspector speaking hello

[Music]

senor commissioner i wish to report i

captured the snatch person who are you

who me i'm my sister

certainly everybody around here seems to

have a sister

step in here i want to talk to you

[Music]

why my dear this is a surprise

you're true timing

boy the commissioner is sure having a

hard time squaring his triangles

[Music]

on friday the 13th hassan the assassin

escaped from prison we had a tip that he

was hiding out in a condemned building

in a destructible section of the city

you wait here sergeant i can't handle

this

you better take this rabbit's foots

inspector

rabbit's foot

see

is friday the 13th which is very unlucky

how did a superstitious wretch like you

ever get into a modern streamline police

force

i don't need no rabbit's foot

i'll fix him

give me a hand grenade

also the rabbit's foot

all right you sneaky snack up there this

is the police

you might as well give up

so

that's the way you want to play huh very

well you asked for it

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

i'm going in after him you stay under

cover and cover me

hey inspector

you forgot the rabbit's foot

thanks

lots of very good luck to you

[Music]

treacherous swine

[Music]

[Applause]

arnold benedict

[Music]

[Applause]

hassan this is the last warning i

suggest that you surrender peacefully

[Music]

well dad settles it

now sergeant i want you to take this

pistol go over the top and wipe out that

machine gun nest huh

[Music]

that's an order sergeant

oh boy i wish i was in southern

barcelona or somewhere

ready

oh there you go

[Music]

all right you do let's rush him

you first

see

ready

go

it's a tom bomb run due to

this is far enough

boy that rabbit's root certainly worked

that time eh

[Music]

[Applause]

hey inspector

where are you inspectors what

look is have an open house that's a nice

guy

for the last time you assassin you come

out here you i am already out

[Music]

[Laughter]

now i will relieve you of your

possession

empty your pocket please

ah

a rabbit spoon

good a man needs all the luck he can get

now turn around

they do not call me the assassin or

nobody

[Music]

oh

[Music]

how do you believe me when i tell you

that the rabbit's foods brings lots of

luck

and all of it bad

which was very lucky for us a boy

see

[Music]

so

you let him escape the inspector why you

stupid bungling incompetent non-compete

but commissioner i i you have goof up

for the last time

now turn in your gun and badge you are

suspended

but sir

but sir shouldn't you keep me on for

your own protection remember louis want

to get you for sending him up the river

you'll be at the bottom of the river if

i see you around here again

now

get out

i realized that the only way to get my

job back was to recapture louis de fink

and knowing that louis would come after

the commissioner i decided to stick

close to the chief

[Music]

sono vego i have forgot my matches

i miss you

they could i trouble you for a light

[Music]

what an interesting looking glider

it's louie to think sir he's getting

away

why you

you assassin

yes mr commissioner

put this man behind bars

but what man miss your commissioner

[Music]

um

[Music]

i will fix him

[Music]

i wonder where he could have gone

look at that i better put the cover over

that hole before somebody falls in and

hurts himself that's terrible

[Music]

was that you commissioner

[Music]

attention this is the commissioner

speaking

now hear this

sacroiliac

that's luia for that leg

i want all police personnel to

concentrate on this manhunt

somewhere in

[Music]

somewhere in paris two vicious criminals

are hiding out

search everywhere

no one is safe while they are at lounge

i especially want the ex-inspector

protein

there is nothing worse than a bad cop

i'll get you now you swine

[Music]

why you

but commissioner you see i was only

trying trying to

[Music]

no good cup

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

weak you fool do something

[Music]

and to show there is no hard feelings i

am returning your gun

and your badge

[Music]

inspector

may i borrow your gun for a moment

but commissioner i can explain

everything

you know

why are you dirty

i'll teach you

you're no good no food

[Music]

[Music]

the entire ugly affair began on a

beautiful spring day in paris i was

taking a pleasant stroll past the left

bank when

[Applause]

[Music]

halt in the name of the law

[Music]

now i'll carry you your thieving dog

what the

[Music]

[Music]

quick man

after him he went that way i'll return

this money and

put me down i'm not the thief

i'm a police inspector do you hear me

i tell you i'm innocent i'm really a

policeman oh

impersonating an officer

but but your address for the next 10

years will be blocked 13

cell 13

take him away

i'm no group i'm a police officer

[Music]

hello guppy

you hear that he knows who i really am

i ought to

you sent me up for 20 years by a member

i'm a group i'm a group i'm a group

[Music]

tonight that's it on

that

break tonight pass it on

the only way i could prove my innocence

and find the real thief was to escape

but how

then something caught my eye light

coming to the wall ha ha the stone was

loose i lose stone

it took all my strength

but i finally disliked it

[Music]

who are you

i am the account of monty frisco

[Music]

i wonder where that leads to

[Music]

[Applause]

that's a lovely day for a swim is your

lower tonight

[Applause]

that will add one more yield to your

sentence

[Music]

come on get this car started

come on i'm late already

[Music]

two more years

[Music]

five more years

[Music]

oh god

[Music]

ten more years

[Music]

okay

the warden says to come in

[Music]

uh

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

not quite

you have one more rock to bike off one

more rock and i'm free free

[Music]

the commissioner summoned me to his

office to advise me that i had been

selected as a police exchange student

with canada

don't worry sir you can depend upon me

to uphold the honor of the sorority very

good in factor

have a good trap

at mountain police headquarters i

received my first assignment from

commander hotspur

now then

my good fellow this is too faced harry

is he a vicious one

you are to apprehend his culprit without

further ado

i do

i said without further ado

no way with you

go go go go go go go

being well experienced with the habits

and unself criminals i selected one of

the town's most disreputable dives to

start my investigation

[Music]

excuse me stranger but have you ever

heard the name

two-face tower

it does kind of strike a familiar now

no one of mine

no exactly what do you mean familiar no

yes

he knows something

hey wait a minute

you know

you've got a real honest

face i am deputizing you

to help me catch two-face towering

golly

that peachy king

i've never had to honor a deputizing

before

you had better take this gun two-faced

harry is a dangerous customer

remember

shoot first ask questions later

[Music]

i have a question

which is the safety

[Music]

ah don't shoot until i give you the

other

now when i yell fire

[Music]

fire fire fire

i only did what you told me too

[Music]

are you laughing behind my back

no sir i'm laughing behind my back

[Music]

to you

boys kill him

[Music]

golly he's right behind us

he'll never catch us

we can roll faster

[Music]

now that's what i call stretching things

a little too far

right

you can play at this game

[Music]

i think he's gaining on up

[Music]

surrender in the name of the lord

i dragged this elusive criminal into

manitoba where winter had set in

do you give up

do you give up

[Music]

do you give

[Music]

your mind up a little louder please

for the last time

stop or i'll shoot

hold it copper

thank you see we've come so far north

we've run out of scenery

this picture is over

son of a gun

well we'll just see about that huh

hey you cartoonist

i order you to cooperate with the law

and put this mangy curl behind bars

where he belongs

i'm not my lawyer you can't do this to

me i want my rights do you hear i refuse

to draw

you see

the pen is mightier than the sword

[Music]

it's a relief to know that i'll never

have to look at a two-faced freak like

you again

you said it buddy

who said that

where are you whoever you are

[Music]

good

i was hot on the trail of louis last

swipe the international jewel thief

i had pursued him all over the continent

from one european capital to another

and at last in london i finally crossed

on him

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

now i've got him

begging your pardon governor but i

believe the captain would lock a word

with you

later at scotland yard i established my

identity as a french police officer

we'll be delighted to assist you in

apprehending this jewel thief inspector

but i say oh boy do put away that gun we

police don't use them here in england

it's against the law and all that you

know

look there's louie

bring back those jewels you blackout

why not swine

take this

no shooting old boy do try to remember

won't you

fortunately my one shot had punctured

lewis diamond bag

leaving a telltale trail of gems

[Music]

no shooting please

halt

hold your scoundrel

now i've got him

it's no use louie you're trapped like a

rat

now come out of there or i'll

how can i capture him if i can't use my

gun

oh

i know

i'll use this gun silencer

there

now i'll finish off that murderous thing

once and for all

[Music]

no shooting please

[Music]

that's odd

very odd indeed

no shooting

[Music]

i know you're in there if you don't come

out i'll blast my way in

all right you asked for it i suggest you

restrain yourself sir

now if you will allow me i look into the

matter

i don't see anything

are you sure he's in there let me have a

look

here

[Music]

does that answer your question

precisely sir

you in there if you don't surrender

peacefully by the count of three we

shall be forced to bash down the door

one

two

[Music]

bye jove

it's time for

[Music]

tea will you come on

alright oh

but remember no shooting

one

two

three

ready

[Music]

terribly sorry old fellow but i'll just

have to relieve you of your gun

why are you sneaky

oh there you are

give it to him inspector

good shoe

come back your cow out

[Music]

well inspector i guess that wraps up the

case and i know you'll be happy to have

your gun back but remember in england no

shooting

i understand perfectly captain

oh yes you'd better take these jewels

i suddenly felt a strong urge to travel

and the captain acting as my guide

escorted me back to paris

by way of rome

geneva

[Music]

yes inspector coming to my office

right away sir

oh what a wonderful kind to work for

yes commissioner i have just learned

that muddy lafitte has escaped from

prison and i am assigning you to bring

him

but be careful he's very tricky

don't worry sir i'll have him back

behind bars in no time

oh that inspector

he still watched that guy

[Music]

well sergeant doodoo what do you make of

this

i'll bet he's in a chat

good thinking to do

now because you need the experience i'm

going to let you have the thrill of

capturing him

oh gracias senor inspector you can

depend on me

ready

see

one

two

three

go

[Music]

[Applause]

aha

you wait here where you'll be safe i'll

take care of my defeat myself

you know

they don't make guys like that anymore

you do

see inspector

i've decided to give you another chance

oh gracias senor inspector

all right you do darvin swim across and

let down the drawbridge

[Music]

[Applause]

did i do good inspector

very good you do however i'd suggest

that you pay more attention to your

appearance

your uniform is amazed see inspector

[Music]

tried the window see

[Music]

this is going to look bad on your record

doodoo

see inspector

[Music]

over here inspector

he's in there

watch out sergeant there's a train

coming

i told you to watch out

be careful here comes another one

[Music]

better come over here where you'll be

safe

see

something tells me that this kid is a

loser

[Music]

this fee looks mighty suspicious dudu

you'd better go out and investigate

[Music]

landmines

i'm proud of the way you handled that

sergeant so i'm going to let you lead

the way oh gracias inspector

i must say you have an uncanny knack for

locating landmine sergeant how do you do

it

i do not know i am just lucky i guess

this guy sure makes tracks tony

inspector never mind the wise cracks

just keep on going

see inspector

[Music]

if they ever find out about this don't

kill me

[Music]

you