Original subtitles

Finn: YES!

I CLEARED LEVEL 17!

HEY, FINN, PRESS PAUSE FOR A BIT, WHY DON'T YOU, KIDDO?

BUT THIS IS A MEGA-BOSS BATTLE.

Curtis: WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT SNOW?

NEVER GOT THAT IN CALIFORNIA. THAT'S FOR SURE.

YOU KNOW, GUYS, I HAVE SEEN CHRISTMAS BEFORE,

BUT THIS IS CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS.

MM-HMM.

IN THE FROZEN TUNDRA OF "DRAGONS AND WARRIORS,"

THERE ARE ICE SERPENTS THAT SPEW FROST VENOM.

Catherine: LET'S JUST KEEP IT IN THE REAL WORLD, OKAY, KIDDO?

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE IT HERE. I PROMISE.

[ CHILDREN SHOUTING PLAYFULLY, LAUGHING ]

FINN, NO MORE SCREEN TIME TILL WE'RE AT THE NEW HOUSE.

I'M SERIOUS.

[ GUNFIRE ]

TURN IT OFF! Finn: FINE.

Curtis: OKAY, GUYS. WELCOME HOME.

[ GROANS ]

[ SIGHS ]

WHOO!

WELL? [ CHUCKLES ] WOW. WOW.

OH, BOY.

UM, DAD? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

IT'S SUPER CREEPY.

OH, COME ON, BUDDY. DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

IT'S NOT CREEPY. IT'S GREAT.

IT IS GREAT, HONEY. MWAH!

COME ON. WAIT TILL YOU SEE INSIDE.

YEAH.

Curtis: GUYS! COME ON!

[ LAUGHS ]

[ SIGHS ] HON, YOU DONE GOOD.

BOY, IT'S GONNA BE SO HOMEY

ONCE WE GET ALL OUR STUFF MOVED IN.

LOOK AT ALL THIS SPACE! [ CHUCKLES ]

Alexis: HOW'D WE EVEN AFFORD IT?

DID SOMEBODY DIE IN HERE OR SOMETHING?

Catherine: ALEXIS.

I'M SERIOUS.

PEOPLE GET REALLY GOOD DEALS

IF THEY FIND, LIKE, A DEAD BODY IN THE BASEMENT.

[ SCOFFS ] NOBODY DIED! WE GOT A GOOD DEAL.

PEOPLE MOVED OUT, AND WE'RE MOVING IN.

MAYBE IT'S HAUNTED.

PROBABLY BUILT ON AN INDIAN BURIAL GROUND OR SOMETHING.

IF WE DIG IN THE BACKYARD, I BET WE'LL FIND BONES.

ALEXIS, PLEASE.

SHE'S JUST PULLING YOUR CHAIN, BUDDY. [ DOOR HINGES CREAK ]

MOM, WHAT WAS THAT?! DID YOU HEAR THAT?! WAS THAT A GHOST?!

Catherine: NO, IT'S A REALTOR.

Gabby: HELLO, BAXTERS! HI!

I WAS JUST PUTTING THE FINISHING TOUCHES

ON THIS LITTLE HOUSEWARMING GIFT.

WOW. THANK YOU. OOH.

OH, AND YOU MUST BE THE WEE ONES.

YEAH. THAT'S THE WEE ONES.

WELCOME TO MAINE.

Catherine: THEY'RE NOT VERY GOOD WITH REAL PEOPLE.

THEY'RE BETTER WITH SPACE ROBOTS

AND CELLPHONES AND THINGS. [ LAUGHS ]

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT HERE. I GUARANTEE IT.

DOES THAT MEAN YOU'LL TAKE THIS HOUSE BACK

IF WE HATE IT?

[ LAUGHS ]

THEY'RE JUST SO PRECIOUS, AREN'T THEY? OH, YEAH.

THEY'RE PRECIOUS. WELL, CATHERINE, HERE ARE THE KEYS.

OH, THANK YOU.

AND IF YOU HAVE ANY OTHER QUESTIONS... OKAY.

[ LAUGHS ] I HAVE A QUESTION.

OH, WHAT IS IT, HONEY?

IS THIS HOUSE HAUNTED?

[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ] HAUNTED?

DON'T BE SILLY.

IT JUST HAS... PERSONALITY.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

[ SIGHS ]

WELCOME, MR. HUGHES.

NICE RIDE.

I FEEL LIKE WE'RE GOING TO THE PROM OR SOMETHING.

[ CHUCKLES ]

IS THIS THE BEST WE COULD DO?

HUGHES, THIS IS JESSICA.

SHE'S HANDLING THE SECURITY AND SURVEILLANCE.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

LET'S GET RIGHT DOWN TO IT, SHALL WE?

THIS HERE IS OUR NEXT TARGET.

A CREEPY OLD HOUSE?

NOT JUST ANY CREEPY OLD HOUSE, MY DEAR GIRL.

THAT CREEPY OLD HOUSE ONCE BELONGED TO JIMMY GRAVANO,

A NOTORIOUS BOOTLEGGER.

THANK YOU.

WE'RE STEALING BOOTS? BOOTLEGGING.

HE SMUGGLED IN ALCOHOL WHEN IT WAS AGAINST THE LAW

IN THE 1920s.

BOOTS, BOOZE, I DON'T CARE...

JUST AS LONG AS I GET PAID.

AH.

WELL, JIMMY "DEAD LEG" GRAVANO WAS KNOWN FOR TWO THINGS.

ONE, HIS BOOTLEGGED MOONSHINE,

AND, TWO, HE WAS THE PREVIOUS OWNER

OF A PRICELESS WORK OF ART... EDVARD MUNCH'S "THE WIDOW."

OH, GOD, SINCLAIR, NOT AGAIN.

I HAVE FINALLY FOUND HER.

YOU SAY THAT EVERY TIME!

WHEN WE BROKE INTO THE BOSTON MUSEUM.

WHEN WE BROKE INTO THE BANK OF LONDON.

WHEN WE BROKE INTO THAT LLAMA FARM IN PERU.

SOUNDS LIKE A WILD GOOSE CHASE TO ME. I'M OUT.

IT'S WORTH $85 MILLION.

"I'M IN," IS WHAT I MEANT TO SAY.

I'M IN. AH. GOOD.

WELL, I THINK WE'VE FOUND OURSELF A SAFE-CRACKER.

YEAH.

[ CRYING ]

FOR GOODNESS' SAKE. AM I MISSING SOMETHING?

AGAINST MY ADVICE,

SHE GOT ROMANTICALLY ENTANGLED WITH OUR LAST SAFE-CRACKER.

OF COURSE, IT ENDED PREDICTABLY.

NOW, LOOK, THIS HOUSE JUST WENT ON THE MARKET.

IF WE HURRY, WE CAN GET INSIDE

BEFORE ANYONE EVEN MOVES IN.

Curtis: [ British accent ] MRS. CATHERINE BAXTER.

LOOK WHAT THE MAILMAN HATH BROUGHT. HUH.

YOU GET INTO HOGWARTS OR SOMETHING?

OH!

IT'S AN INVITATION TO A HOLIDAY PARTY THIS WEEKEND

AT MY NEW BOSS'S PLACE.

AND WHEN I SAY, "PLACE," I MEAN "PRIVATE MOUNTAIN."

OH, WOW!

LOOK AT THAT!

EGGNOG. ELVES. SANTA. OH, THE KIDS WILL LOVE THIS!

[ MUSIC PLAYING THROUGH HEADPHONES, KNOCK ON DOOR ]

HEY, SWEETHEART.

LOOK WHAT I FOUND.

YOUR LITTLE-POP-STAR SINGING MACHINE, REMEMBER?

I HAVEN'T PLAYED WITH THAT THING SINCE I WAS A KID.

♪ I LOVE YOU, DADDY ♪

♪ YOU'RE SO ANNOYING ♪

♪ GET OUT OF MY ROOM! ♪ [ LAUGHS ]

[ FEEDBACK SQUEALS ]

WELL...

HEY, UH, YOU WANT TO COME ON DOWNSTAIRS

AND HELP YOUR MOM AND ME UNPACK?

I'D RATHER DIE. PERFECT.

HAVE A GOOD ONE.

Finn: TAKE THAT, OVERKILL!

[ LAUGHS ]

COME ON, COME ON! [ GROANS ]

HEY, BUDDY.

OH, GAMES ALREADY?

I WAS KIND OF HOPING YOU MIGHT WANT TO

EXPLORE THE NEW HOUSE WITH ME, HUH?

WHAT DO YOU THINK? CAPTAIN OVERKILL IS ONLINE NOW.

SORRY... YOU'RE PLAYING ANOTHER KID?

YEAH. ONLINE.

WE PLAY TOGETHER ALL THE TIME.

IT'S COOL. HE'S MY FRIEND.

WELL, HAVE YOU EVER MET THIS FRIEND, LIKE IN REAL LIFE?

NO. BUT HE'S YOUR FRIEND?

WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HIM?

HE PREFERS PULSE GRENADES.

YEAH. WHO DOESN'T?

DUDE, HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED MAKING SOME REAL FRIENDS?

WHY?

BUDDY, YOU GOT TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE ONCE IN A WHILE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? TRY SOMETHING NEW, RIGHT?

GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD ONCE IN A WHILE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

OH, MAN!

PULE GRENADES! HOW DOES HE ALWAYS DO THAT?

OKAY, OFF. THAT'S IT.

NO MORE GAMES UNTIL YOU HELP MOM AND ME UNPACK, OKAY?

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. LET'S GO.

COMING!

DONE! DO YOU WANT ME TO DO THE GLASSES?

I'M GONNA SAY NO.

SMELL THAT? YEAH.

DON'T SMELL THAT IN CALIFORNIA, MY FRIEND.

THAT'S CALLED "AIR."

IT'S ALL AROUND THIS PLACE.

HEY, SMELLS GOOD.

HEY, THAT'S A TENT!

YEAH. MM-HMM.

HOW ABOUT AFTER WE GET SETTLED IN,

YOU AND I GO CAMPING, HUH?

TWO MEN, THE GREAT OUTDOORS... WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WELL, YOU HATE CAMPING.

YEAH, WELL, MAYBE BOTH OF US NEED TO, YOU KNOW,

TRY THINGS OUT OF OUR COMFORT ZONE.

HERE, YOU WANT TO TAKE THAT ONE DOWN TO THE BASEMENT, DUDE?

AND... BASEMENT.

I'M COMING WITH YOU. LET'S GO.

[ DOOR HINGES CREAKING ]

Alexis: PEOPLE GET REALLY GOOD DEALS

IF THEY FIND, LIKE, A DEAD BODY IN THE BASEMENT.

THE BASEMENT LEVEL IN "DRAGONS AND WARRIORS"

IS A PRISON FILLED WITH GHOSTS.

YEAH, WELL, THE BASEMENT IN REAL LIFE...

IS JUST A BASEMENT.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

AAH! AAH!

[ GRUNTS ]

"DEAD LEG IS WATCHING YOU."

[ ELECTRICITY HUMS, ZAPS ]

[ SCREAMS ]

Finn: MOM! MOM! MOM!

DOWNSTAIRS, THE LIGHT EXPLODED... FINN, BREATHE, HONEY.

CALM DOWN. ...AND THERE'S A SECRET DOOR WITH A SCARY MESSAGE

LIKE IT'S WARNING US! WE ARE TRYING TO UNPACK.

MOM, I KNOW, BUT... LOOK, FINN, GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY.

IT'LL BE GOOD FOR YOU.

T-THERE'S A BOY NEXT DOOR THAT YOU CAN PLAY WITH.

I DO NOT WANT TO MEET ANYONE NEW.

CAN I JUST GO UPSTAIRS AND PLAY MY GAME?

FINN, ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME YOU'RE AFRAID TO CROSS THE YARD AND MEET A FRIEND?

WHAT WOULD WE EVEN TALK ABOUT?

UH, ASK HIM WHAT HE LIKES TO DO FOR FUN.

OH, GUYS, I AM SO SORRY!

ARE YOU OKAY?

UM...

UH, SO, WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO FOR FUN AROUND HERE?

LOTS OF STUFF.

L-LIKE WHAT?

YOU KNOW, BUILD SNOWMEN, MAKE SNOWBALLS,

GO SNOW-SLEDDING,

DESIGN SNOW FORTS, GO SNOW SKIING,

MAKE SNOW ANGELS, START A SNOW AVALANCHE,

WEAR SNOW SHOES, PLAY "HIDE AND GO SNOW"...

DID I ALREADY SAY "MAKE SNOWBALLS"?

I GET IT.

UM, BUT ISN'T THERE ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE SNOW?

WE COULD MAKE SNOW CONES!

OH, WAIT...

MAYBE YOU COULD COME OVER TO MY PLACE FOR VIDEO GAMES.

I HAVE "ROBO INFANTRY 3."

IT HAS MULTI-PLAYER. YOU COULD BE A STRIKE ROBOT.

NUH-UH. NO WAY.

WHY NOT? YOUR HOUSE IS HAUNTED.

THAT'S WHY THE LAST PEOPLE MOVED OUT.

HAUNTED? YEAH.

DOORS CREAK OPEN.

LIGHTS FLASH ON AND OFF FOR NO REASON.

IT'S THE GHOST OF A GANGSTER WHO WAS MURDERED THERE.

HE WAS SMOTHERED TO DEATH IN HIS SLEEP.

NO WAY THAT'S REAL. THAT'S IMAGINARY.

OH, IT'S REAL.

MY MOM SAID IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO,

BUT LATE AT NIGHT,

THEY SAY YOU CAN STILL HEAR HIM...

WALKING AROUND, DRAGGING HIS DEFORMED LEG

ACROSS THE FLOOR,

LOOKING FOR REVENGE AGAINST ANYONE WHO TRIES TO SLEEP.

I'D LIKE TO HANG OUT WITH YOU, BUT I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE.

[ GULPS ]

"DEAD LEG IS WATCHING."

ALL RIGHT, BIG GUY, TURN OFF THE VIDEO GAME.

IT'S LIGHTS OUT.

BUT... BUT CAN'T I DO... CAN'T I DO ONE MORE LEVEL?

BUT... BUT... BUT... BUT... BUT... [ GROANS ]

HI, HON.

YOU LIKING YOUR NEW ROOM?

HELLO?

TAKE OFF YOUR HEADPHONES!

THEY'RE EARBUDS.

LOOK, I KNOW THIS MOVE HAS BEEN HARD ON YOU.

SO WHY ARE WE HERE, MOM?

IT'S MY NEW JOB. IT'S A BIG STEP FOR ME.

IT'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN WORKING TOWARDS A LONG TIME.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, THE REASON WE DECIDED TO MOVE

WAS BECAUSE YOUR FATHER AND I DECIDED

THAT WE WANTED THE BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR BROTHER.

THE BEST, LIKE A 32-GIG TABLET COMPUTER

WITH A PINK-SEQUIN CASE?

THERE'S MORE TO THE HOLIDAYS THAN GIFTS.

[ DOOR CLOSES ]

[ SIGHS ] GREAT.

LAME CHRISTMAS.

OH, THAT WENT WELL.

[ CHUCKLES ]

OH, COME ON.

WE DID IT!

THE BAXTERS HAVE MOVED TO MAINE.

WE'RE MAINIANS!

MAINI... ACS.

WE'RE MINONIANS OR...

IS THIS A MISTAKE?

DID I UPROOT OUR FAMILY FOR A STUPID JOB

WHERE NO ONE WILL APPRECIATE ME?

SWEETHEART, WE APPRECIATE YOU.

YOU KNOW THAT.

AND YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNA BE THE BEST V.P.

THESE MAINIACS HAVE EVER HAD.

[ SIGHS ]

I DRAGGED US ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

OUR CHILDREN HATE ME.

THAT'S NOT TRUE, AND YOU KNOW IT.

ALEXIS HATES ME.

THAT...

YEAH, OKAY, YEAH, SHE HATES YOU.

BUT SHE'S GONNA OUTGROW IT.

AND OUR SON SPENDS EVERY WAKING MINUTE

PLUGGED INTO VIDEO GAMES.

HE JUST NEEDS A LITTLE PUSH OUT OF THE NEST.

HE'S A LITTLE SHY, THAT'S ALL.

HE HAS NO REAL FRIENDS... FRIENDS HIS AGE,

FRIENDS WHO AREN'T SPACE MARINES.

[ CHUCKLES ] SCARED OF HIS OWN SHADOW.

HE'S JUST GOT AN OVERACTIVE IMAGINATION.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

[ SIGHS ]

[ SCRAPING ]

Mason: ...WALKING AROUND, DRAGGING HIS DEFORMED LEG

ACROSS THE FLOOR,

LOOKING FOR REVENGE AGAINST ANYONE...

[ PANTING ]

I DON'T WANT TO ALARM YOU GUYS... AH!

...BUT MY ROOM IS TOTALLY HAUNTED BY A GHOST MURDERER!

AAH! WHAT? OH, BUDDY.

OKAY, LOOK, I UNDERSTAND.

CHANGE CAN BE SCARY.

MOVING IS NEVER, NEVER EASY.

[ Muffled ] THIS ISN'T ABOUT CHANGE, DAD.

THIS IS ABOUT SURVIVAL! I WANT TO SLEEP IN HERE.

THERE'S SAFETY IN NUMBERS.

OKAY. HONEYBUNCH...

AAH!

...YOU ARE TOO OLD TO BE AFRAID OF GHOSTS.

REAL LIFE IS HARD ENOUGH

WITHOUT MAKING UP STUFF TO BE AFRAID OF.

YOU HEARD THE BOSS, RIGHT?

I MEAN, BACK TO BED. YOU'LL BE FINE.

YOU'LL BOTH BE SINGING A DIFFERENT TUNE TOMORROW

IF AN EVIL GHOST SMOTHERS ME IN MY SLEEP.

BACK. TO. BED.

FINE.

BUT IF I HAVE TO SLEEP IN THERE ALL BY MYSELF,

I'M TAKING PRECAUTIONS.

ROBO SQUAD 256,

BRING SHIELDS UP AND SCANNERS ONLINE.

WEAPONS ARE CHARGED.

PERMISSION TO FIRE ON ALL GHOSTS.

THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

[ RUSTLING, CLANGING ]

[ DOOR OPENS ]

[ GASPING ]

[ DOOR HINGES CREAK ]

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

Curtis: AAH!

[ CRACKLING CONTINUES ]

[ GROANING ]

AAH! AAH!

GOTCHA! HEY! HEY!

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON?!

I WAS TRYING TO CATCH THE GHOST.

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

[ Muffled ] WITH A STUN GUN AND A TENT?

I COULDN'T RULE OUT VAMPIRE OR ZOMBIE. OH!

YOU ARE NOT TO TOUCH THIS EVER!

BUT IF I PROVE THIS HOUSE IS HAUNTED,

WE CAN MOVE BACK TO CALIFORNIA! YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

ALEXIS, DON'T CALL YOUR BROTHER AN IDIOT.

FINN, LISTEN...

YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW WHAT, HON? IT'S OKAY.

I GOT THIS. I GOT THIS.

IT'S OKAY. OKAY.

SORRY, DAD. [ GROANS ]

HEY, BUDDY.

OH, FINNIE, FINNIE, FINN.

THAT'S, UH, IMPRESSIVE.

UM... WHAT'S GOING ON?

I HEARD IT, DAD.

IT WAS... IT WAS REAL.

OKAY, WELL, UH, W-WHERE DO YOU HEAR IT?

WHERE... WHERE IS IT? SHUFFLING.

LIKE SOMEONE WAS DRAGGING THEIR DEAD LEG.

[ BRANCHES SCRAPING ]

OH, BUDDY, LOOK.

JUST A TREE BRANCH.

YOU CAN HEAR IT.

THAT'S ALL. [ CHUCKLES ]

OH. THAT'S ALL.

LOOK, DUDE, I KNOW THIS IS DIFFERENT THAN OUR OLD HOUSE,

BUT I PROMISE YOU, BUDDY,

YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF, OKAY?

[ SCRAPING CONTINUES ]

WE'RE TOO LATE.

SOMEBODY'S ALREADY MOVED IN.

WELL, THAT NEVER STOPPED ME BEFORE.

WE'LL JUST WAIT UNTIL THERE'S NO ONE HOME,

AND THEN... WE'LL STRIKE.

Catherine: NOW, EAT UP, EVERYBODY. WE HAVE A BIG DAY TODAY.

WE ARE PICKING OUT OUR CHRISTMAS TREE,

AND WE'RE GONNA GET NEW DECORATIONS AND DECK OUR NEW HALLS TOGETHER!

HOW DOES THAT SOUND? Finn: WE SHOULD PREPARE!

THE GHOST COULD COME BACK WHILE WE'RE OUT.

OH, LOOK, KIDDO.

I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED FROM YOUR VIDEO GAME.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS GHOSTS,

ESPECIALLY AT CHRISTMASTIME.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST, GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT,

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE, MARLEY'S GHOST...

WELL, THAT'S WHY WE'RE GETTING A TREE.

BECAUSE, UH, LITTLE-KNOWN FACT...

CHRISTMAS SPIRIT REPELS ALL GHOSTS. NOW, HURRY UP.

WE'RE GONNA LEAVE AS SOON AS YOUR FATHER IS DONE CLEARING THE DRIVEWAY.

THAT COULD BE A WHILE.

[ WHIRRING ] Curtis: COME ON!

[ GRUNTING ] I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS!

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. I GOT IT.

OH! [ GROANS ]

COME ON, BABY. I GOT YOU.

WHO CAN LIVE LIKE THIS!?

AMATEUR.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WEIRDO?

MAKING MORE GHOST TRAPS.

I'M GONNA PROVE THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED.

YOU'LL SEE.

THEN WE CAN ALL MOVE BACK HOME.

THERE IS NO GHOST.

I WAS JUST MESSING WITH YOU.

NO, THERE IS.

SO, WHAT'S YOUR BIG PLAN?

WRAP THE GHOST UP AND TUCK IT UNDER THE CHRISTMAS TREE?

LOOK, IF THE GHOST TRIES TO GET OUT OF THE BASEMENT

WHILE WE'RE GONE,

THIS WRAPPING PAPER WILL RIP...

PROOF THE GHOST IS REAL.

UM, WOULDN'T REAL GHOSTS JUST FLOAT THROUGH THE DOOR?

YOU'RE NOT HELPING.

[ Panting ] DRIVEWAY'S CLEAR.

YOU GUYS READY?

IT'S GONNA BE FUN.

♪ DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪

♪ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY ♪

♪ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ DON WE NOW OUR GAY APPAREL ♪

♪ FA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ TROLL THE ANCIENT YULETIDE CAROL ♪

♪ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ FAST AWAY THE OLD YEAR PASSES ♪

♪ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ HAIL THE NEW, YE LADS AND LASSES ♪

♪ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ SING WE JOYOUS, ALL TOGETHER ♪

♪ FA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ HEEDLESS OF THE WIND AND WEATHER ♪

♪ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

MY CREW BACK HOME... WE'D ROLL IN WITH SHOTGUNS

AND MASKS OF PRESIDENTS AND EVERYTHING.

I'M USUALLY RONALD REAGAN.

WE ROLL IN, KICK THE DOOR DOWN LIKE,

"YO, GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR!

NOBODY MOVE!" Jessica: Shh!

"PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG OR I'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF!"

Sinclair: HOW FASCINATING.

Why don't you just shut up?

We're in.

Great.

Shh! Shh!

Shh!

OH, GINGERBREAD COOKIES!

OOH. [ SNIFFS ] MMM.

I LIKE TO EAT THE HEAD FIRST,

THEN AN ARM, THEN A LEG.

UNDERSTAND THIS... MY CREW IS EXPECTED

TO SLIP IN AND OUT OF OUR TARGETS UNDETECTED LIKE GHOSTS.

Yes.

GOTCHA, CHIEF.

OH, YOU "GOT ME," HUGHES, DID YOU? YOU REALLY GOT ME?

THAT DOESN'T MEAN DRAGGING IN DIRT AND SNOW LIKE THAT

OR EATING THEIR FRESHLY BAKED COOKIES!

AND I DON'T CARE WHETHER THEY'RE GINGERBREAD MEN

OR CHOCOLATE-COCONUT MACAROONS.

CHOCOLATE-COVERED COCONUT MACAROONS WERE STEVE'S FAVORITE.

OH, SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU!

GOD! JUST LOOK.

THIS IS IMPORTANT.

THERE CAN BE NO MISTAKES.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, LOOK.

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

COME ON. DEEP BREATH.

COME ON. [ BREATHES DEEPLY ]

NOW GO FIND YOURSELF A NICE WINDOW AND KEEP LOOK-OUT.

ALL RIGHT. YOU... COME WITH ME.

IS THAT A NO-GO ON A GLASS OF MILK?

NOW.

THERE'S NOTHING HERE.

YEAH, THAT'S JUST WHAT THE OLD BOOTLEGGER WANTS US TO THINK.

[ KNOCKING ]

OH. [ LAUGHS ]

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I EVEN AMAZE MYSELF.

COME ON, RONALD REAGAN. YOU'RE UP.

GET READY TO HAVE YOUR MIND BLOWN.

OKAY. COME ON.

HOLD THIS. OKAY.

OH!

NOT USED TO DOING THIS WITHOUT THE MASK ON.

[ CLICKING ]

OH, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT? IT REMINDS ME OF... STEVE.

[ LATCH CLICKS ]

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YEAH? MOVE! OH.

[ GRUNTS ]

[ GRUNTING CONTINUES ]

PULL!

[ LAUGHS ]

WHA... I... I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

MAYBE SOMEBODY BEAT US TO IT.

NO, IT'S... IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

ALL MY RESEARCH. ALL MY PLANNING.

ALL THE HISTORICAL CROSSCHECKING.

MY BELOVED GIGI SHOULD BE HERE.

YOUR BELOVED WHAT?

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE A HOUSE TOGETHER LIKE THIS,

TO GROW OLD TOGETHER.

[ SNIFFLES ] BABY, I MISS YOU.

CAN YOU PLEASE JUST RETURN MY CALLS?

[ VEHICLE APPROACHES ]

OH, CRAP. I GOT TO GO.

PLEASE JUST CALL ME! OKAY.

CODE RED! CODE RED!

WHAT?

CODE RED! QUICK! WE'RE COMPROMISED!

GO! GO! GO!

[ GRUNTING ]

OKAY, GANG.

SO, YOUR MOM AND I WILL GET THE STRAPS.

FINN, YOU AND ALEXIS GET THE BACK.

AND...

MAKE SURE THAT THE WEIGHT IS BALANCED EVENLY.

Catherine: MM-HMM. OKAY, ALEXIS, FINN.

I'M GONNA COME TO YOU GUYS.

WHAT? THE GHOST!

[ SCREAMS ] TREE!

YES!

[ CRASH ]

AH! YAH!

Curtis: YOU'RE SURE YOU SAW SOMETHING?

YES! IT WAS RIGHT HERE BY THE WINDOW!

OKAY.

BUDDY, HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE FABLE

"THE BOY WHO CRIED GHOST"?

IF MY SWEATER IS RUINED, YOU ARE SO DEAD!

WE SHOULD CHECK TO SEE IF ANYTHING'S OUT OF PLACE.

FINN, COME HERE.

LET'S CALM DOWN AND TALK ABOUT THIS.

Finn: COOKIES ARE MISSING!

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK!

THERE WERE SIX GINGERBREAD MEN HERE AT BREAKFAST.

NOW THERE ARE ONLY FOUR!

[ SCOFFS ] ALL THIS PROVES IS THAT SOMEONE DISOBEYED ME

WHEN I SAID NO GINGERBREAD MEN FOR BREAKFAST.

AND LOOK!

MY GHOST TRAP!

THE GHOST IS OUT! IT CAME FROM THE BASEMENT!

OKAY, THAT IS ACTUALLY CREEPY.

DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM.

HONEY, TELL YOUR SON THERE'S NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF.

I THINK I JUST GOT THE CHILLS.

NOTHING CAME OUT OF THE BASEMENT!

ALL OF YOU ARE ACTING RIDICULOUS.

SHE'S RIGHT. OKAY, THERE'S NOTHING THERE.

AND I'M JUST GONNA CHECK IT OUT.

Alexis: DAD, WAIT.

OKAY, SO, I JUST GOT TO TURN THE LIGHT ON.

AND, UH...

OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

FRYING PAN, AND HERE WE GO.

OKAY. OKAY.

ALL'S COOL.

LOOKING GOOD.

LOOKING GOOD.

OKAY.

[ SIGHS ] OKAY.

GUYS, LOOK, THERE'S NOBODY DOWN HERE!

THERE'S NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF.

[ RUSTLING ] [ GASPS ]

[ SCRAPING ]

It's just a branch.

That's all. That's all.

Just a branch.

OH, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON!

WE CAN'T BE LATE.

LET'S GO!

HELLO?

FAMILY!

HELLO!

MY NEW BOSS IS BIG ON PUNCTUALITY.

LET'S GET A MOVE ON! YEAH, I DON'T KNOW.

I'M JUST TRYING TO DECIDE. IS THIS TIE TRYING TOO HARD?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY, HONEY.

ALL I CARE ABOUT IS THAT I ARRIVE ON TIME

WITH A HUSBAND WEARING PANTS.

PANTS?

WOW. WELL, LA-DEE-DA.

[ Snootily ] LA-DEE-DA.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

[ MUSIC PLAYING THROUGH HEADPHONES ]

ALEXIS!

WE ARE LEAVING FOR THE CHRISTMAS PARTY

IN FIVE MINUTES!

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? I DID... MANY, MANY TIMES.

MY NEW BOSS, THE MOUNTAIN LODGE,

CAROLING, EGGNOG... ANY OF THAT RING A BELL?

[ GROANS ] WE HAD FUN YESTERDAY.

DO WE REALLY HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN?

YES...

[ MUSIC STOPS ] ...WE DO.

[ GUNFIRE ]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'VE BEEN CALLING YOU.

TURN IT OFF.

JUST ONE MORE LEVEL, MOM. PLEASE, I'M SO CLOSE TO VICTORY!

OKAY? I'M ALMOST DONE. I'M ALMOST DONE.

THIS IS NOT OPEN FOR DISCUSSION.

MOM, NO! OH, MAN!

I WAS ABOUT TO DEMOLISH CAPTAIN OVERKILL'S ARMORED BASE!

WELL, I'M SURE THAT CAN BE DEMOLISHED TOMORROW.

NOW, HURRY UP. WE'RE GONNA BE LATE.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO WITHOUT ME?

LOOK, THIS IS NOT A ROOT CANAL OR SOMETHING.

IT'S A CHRISTMAS PARTY. THERE'LL BE OTHER KIDS THERE.

THAT I'LL HAVE TO TALK TO,

AND THEN THEY'LL ASK ME QUESTIONS, AND...

[ SIGHS ] WILL I HAVE TO SING?

LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE AFRAID OF NEW SITUATIONS,

BUT I REFUSE TO RAISE A KID WHO'S AFRAID OF EVERYTHING

THAT ISN'T ON A VIDEO SCREEN!

[ LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO IN DISTANCE ]

PUT ON YOUR SHOES. I'M GONNA MURDER YOUR SISTER.

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]

WHAT'S GOING ON?!

SOMEBODY TOOK MY "HEADPHONES."

WHAT? [ MUSIC STOPS ]

THAT'S IT. FAMILY ANNOUNCEMENT!

WE ARE NOT MOVING BACK TO CALIFORNIA...

NOT BECAUSE OF GHOSTS,

NOT BECAUSE OF POORLY CONCEIVED ACTS OF TEENAGE REBELLION,

NOT EVER.

WE ARE ALL GOING TO LEARN TO LOVE THIS QUAINT LITTLE TOWN

AND THIS BIG CREEPY HOUSE BECAUSE WE HAVE TO, HMM?

IT'S BAD ENOUGH YOU DRAGGED US

ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY!

NOW WE'VE GOT TO PARADE AROUND WITH SMILES ON OUR FACES

JUST SO THAT YOU DON'T FEEL GUILTY?

SO, WHAT? YOU'D RATHER... NOT GO?

STAY HOME? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? TOTALLY.

MAYBE I MIGHT ACTUALLY LIKE THIS PLACE

IF I WASN'T AROUND YOU GUYS ALL THE TIME.

OOH. OOH.

OKAY, GREAT!

YOU TWO CAN STAY HERE WHILE YOUR DAD AND I

HAVE ALL THE CHRISTMAS FUN WE CAN HANDLE.

SERIOUSLY?

YEAH. YOU WANT TO STAY HOME, STAY HOME!

OKAY. OKAY.

BUT THERE ARE SOME TERMS AND CONDITIONS.

FIRST OF ALL, ALEXIS, YOU ARE BABYSITTING FINN.

WAIT, HOLD ON. WORKS FOR ME.

AND NO VIDEO GAMES.

MOM!

NO GAMES. NO TV. NO MUSIC. NO PHONE.

YOU PROBABLY WANT TO LEAVE HER THE PHONE.

THESE ARE MY RULES. NO PHONE.

EMERGENCIES. THANK YOU, HONEY.

OKAY, PHONE FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY.

OKAY? OKAY, GREAT.

WELL, I AM GLAD EVERYONE GOT WHAT THEY WANTED.

GUYS...

HAVE FUN NOT BEING PART OF THIS FAMILY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

HEY, GUYS, WE'LL CALL YOU FROM THE PARTY.

BEHAVE.

I DON'T THINK WE'VE EVER MADE MOM THAT MAD BEFORE.

WHATEVER.

SO, I GUESS IT'S JUST YOU AND ME.

[ SCOFFS ] YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, WEIRDO.

YOU LEAVE ME ALONE, I LEAVE YOU ALONE.

THAT'S THE DEAL. WHAT?!

BUT SHE TOOK MY GAME CONTROLLER!

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I DON'T CARE. WHATEVER YOU WANT.

WE'RE HOME ALONE.

[ GARAGE DOOR CLOSES ]

HMM.

WONDER IF THEY SELL THEM INDIVIDUALLY.

HMM. WELL, ALL RIGHT.

JUST HAVE TO STABILIZE MY ANKLE.

PERFECT. GOOD.

WHO'S GIGI? NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

WHAT? WHO'S GIGI?

BACK BY THE SAFE, YOU SAID,

"MY BELOVED GIGI SHOULD BE HERE,"

SO I WANT TO KNOW... WHO ARE WE REALLY LOOKING FOR?

ARE WE LOOKING FOR A BODY?

[ SIGHS ]

COME HERE.

GIGI WAS MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER,

AND IF YOU MUST KNOW, SHE IS "THE WIDOW."

[ GASPS ]

YEAH.

OH.

EDVARD MUNCH WAS SO ENRAPTURED BY HER DOLEFUL BEAUTY

THAT HE PAINTED HER INTO A MASTERPIECE.

IN THE PAINTING, SHE'S SEEN SITTING WITH HER CHILDREN.

[ CHUCKLES ] HER FAMILY. MY FAMILY.

[ SCOFFS ]

THE CANVAS WAS STOLEN DECADES AGO,

BUT I'M GONNA FIND HER.

SHE BELONGS TO ME.

Curtis: YOU OKAY, SWEETIE?

SURE. WHY?

'CAUSE YOU'RE STILL HOLDING FINN'S CONTROLLER.

THANKS.

[ SIGHS ] I JUST... I DON'T KNOW.

I... I'M ALL FOR PUSHING FINN OUT OF THE NEST A BIT,

BUT SHOULD WE REALLY LEAVE HIM HOME ALONE IN A NEW PLACE?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

A FEW HOURS AWAY WILL BE NICE,

AND, HEY, MAYBE THEY'LL LEARN A THING OR TWO

ABOUT RESPONSIBILITY.

YEAH.

[ LAUGHING ]

♪ DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY ♪

I'M! JUMPING! ON! THE! SOFA!

I! DON'T! CARE!

♪ ...LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ DON WE NOW OUR GAY APPAREL ♪

I'M EATING JUNK FOOD!

I DON'T CARE!

♪ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

I BROKE A LAMP!

I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

AND I DON'T CARE.

THE NAME IS BAXTER.

FINN BAXTER.

KAPOW!

[ LAUGHS ]

[ HISSES ]

♪ ...LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ WHILE I TELL OF YULETIDE TREASURE ♪

♪ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

[ GRUNTS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

ROBO SQUAD 256,

ARE YOU READY TO INFILTRATE THE CORE?

YES, COMMANDER.

BOOSTERS ENGAGED IN THREE... TWO... ONE...

ATT-A-A-A-ACK!

WHOA.

AWESOME!

♪ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA ♪

♪ FA-LA-LA-LA-LA... ♪

AWESOME!

WOW. LOOK AT THIS PARTY.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

HI. NICE TO MEET YOU.

LOOK AT ALL THE SANTAS.

[ CHUCKLES ] LOOK AT THAT.

WELCOME, WELCOME!

OUR NEW ADDITION.

[ LAUGHS ]

THANK YOU.

SEE YOU LATER.

MR. CARSON, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HAVING US.

BUT OF COURSE.

YOU'RE PART OF THE CARSON FAMILY NOW, HUH?

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ] Photographer: OVER HERE, GUYS.

SMILE. WAIT A MINUTE!

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ] OH, MY GOODNESS.

NOW, ALBERT, I DON'T PAY YOU TO LOAF ABOUT.

PLEASE GET OUR LOVELY NEW VICE PRESIDENT AN EGGNOG!

OH, NO, I-I'M SORRY.

THIS IS MY HUSBAND, CURTIS.

WHAT? I-I'M HER HUSBAND.

I'M CURTIS. HOW ARE YOU?

OH, MY GOD.

MY MISTAKE.

HE'S THE SPITTING IMAGE OF ALBERT, MY BUTLER.

NOW DECEASED.

OH, I'M SORRY.

OH, THE TIE IS THE SAME, TOO!

OH, I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE TIE.

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF TAKING ON THE ASSIGNMENT

OF MANSERVANT?

UH, WELL, I HADN'T THOUGHT, BUT I'M SURE I COULD.

AND YOU HAVE KIDS, TOO. SEVEN OF THEM!

UH, TWO.

OH, IT'S PROBABLY FOR THE BEST.

ALL THOSE CLUTCHING LITTLE HANDS.

[ GROANS ] WHERE ARE THE LITTLE TYKES?

OH, THEY'RE STILL ADJUSTING TO THE MOVE, YOU KNOW,

SO WE DECIDED TO LEAVE THEM AT HOME FOR THE EVENING.

GREAT! AH, THAT'S GREAT.

MORE "REINDEER-IN-A-BLANKET" FOR THE REST OF US, HUH?

[ LAUGHS ]

I'VE HIRED THE BEST REAL-BEARDED SANTAS IN THE COUNTRY

TO SERVE OUR COCKTAILS.

HERE'S ONE NOW. DIG IN.

[ BEEPING ]

[ CHUCKLES ] WHOA.

THIS TIME, YOU'RE GOING DOWN.

[ GUNFIRE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

YES!

[ ALARM BLARING ]

WHAT'S... WHAT'S HAPPENING? HEY! HEY!

WHAT'S GO... NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

NO, NOT THE BATTERIES.

COME ON, TURN ON. TURN ON!

[ GROANS ] OH, MY GOSH.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

OH! NO!

OH, MY GOSH!

OKAY.

YES! YES!

OKAY. OKAY, NOW.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[ GROANS ]

NO!

[ BATTERY CLATTERING ]

[ CLATTERING STOPS ]

HI. SO, HOW'S IT GOING OVER THERE?

ALEXIS: All is quiet

WITH NO MUSIC OR TV.

I'M ACTUALLY READING.

[ LAUGHS ] SURE YOU ARE.

I am.

AN ARTICLE ABOUT LIPSTICK.

SO IT'S NOT "WAR AND PEACE,"

BUT, HEY, I'M TECHNICALLY READING IT.

OKAY. AND FINN?

HE'S DOWNSTAIRS PLAYING BOARD GAMES WITH THAT SNOW KID.

Oh, he is?

THAT'S GREAT!

HEY, IT'S REALLY SNOWING UP HERE.

ARE YOU GUYS WARM ENOUGH? YES.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL TO CHECK UP ON US EVERY FIVE MINUTES.

"THE PHONE IS FOR EMERGENCY USE ONLY."

Fair enough.

I'LL TEXT WHEN WE'RE HEADED BACK.

Love you. LOVE YOU. BYE.

Finn: NOW CAN YOU HELP ME?

IT WILL TAKE YOU 10 SECONDS.

OKAY.

I'LL GET YOUR DUMB BATTERY.

THEN I'M GONNA GO CHECK OUT THE MALL,

BUT YOU CAN'T TELL MOM I WENT OUT.

DEAL? DEAL.

[ SIGHS ]

[ CREAK ] WHAT WAS THAT!?

DON'T BE SUCH A CHICKEN.

[ GASPS ]

I GOT IT. LET'S GO!

WHY DO YOU THINK A GHOST LIVES DOWN HERE, ANYWAY?

'CAUSE I FOUND THE GHOST'S ROOM.

LOOK.

WHOA!

Finn: WHAT?! THIS WAS LOCKED!

I TRIED IT! A GHOST MUST'VE OPENED IT.

IF YOU'RE TRYING TO SCARE ME, IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

[ SIGHS ]

IT PROBABLY ONLY LOOKS EMPTY.

IN "ROBO INFANTRY 2," YOU COULD FIND AMMO ROOMS

THAT LOOKED EMPTY,

BUT THEY WOULD HAVE A SECRET DOOR.

THIS ISN'T SOME STUPID VIDEO GAME, LOSER.

THERE'S NO SECRET DOOR.

SEE? [ THUD ]

HOLY COW! [ GASPS ]

DID I MENTION THAT THE SECRET ROOMS WERE OFTEN BOOBY TRAPPED?

COME ON.

[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ]

[ GASPS ] THIS IS TOTALLY COOL.

O-OKAY.

SO, UH, WELL, WE'VE SEEN IT.

LET'S GO.

TALK ABOUT A CREEPY FAMILY.

YEAH. WAIT, WAIT.

COME HERE.

COME AND LOOK AT THIS.

LOOK.

LOOK AT THE OLD WOMAN'S EYES.

I THINK... I THINK THEY'RE MOVING.

LIKE SHE'S WATCHING US.

NO. NO, SHE'S... SHE'S WATCHING YOU.

BOO! [ SCREAMING ]

[ SCREAMING CONTINUES ]

IT WAS A JOKE!

[ SCOFFS ]

OH.

WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?

[ SIGHS ]

"TOUCH MY HOOCH AND REGRET IT.

DEAD LEG."

[ SIGHS ]

HUH? WHAT?

OH, CRAP!

[ DOOR LOCKS ]

UGH! OH, PHONE, PHONE, PHONE, PHONE.

[ SIGHS ] FINN!

FINN! I'M STUCK!

OPEN THE DOOR! FINN!

COME DOWN HERE!

FINN, CAN YOU HEAR ME?!

FINN!

CAN YOU HEAR ME?!

[ SCREAMING ]

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

[ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ]

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE DITCH THIS SHINDIG?

I MEAN, IT'S GONNA TAKE US A WHILE

TO GET BACK DOWN THE MOUNTAIN IN THIS WEATHER.

SOUNDS GOOD. YEAH?

I WANT TO GET HOME BEFORE BEDTIME

IN CASE FINN IS SCARED.

I LOVE YOU. [ CHUCKLES ]

HERE YOU GO.

SO, YOU, MY DEAR, SAY YOUR GOODBYES.

Carson: EXCUSE ME, EVERYONE!

I WILL... OUT OF THE WAY.

UH, THERE'S GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS.

THE BAD NEWS IS THAT THIS LITTLE WINTER STORM

HAS PICKED UP, YOU KNOW?

AND ALL ROADS LEADING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN

WILL BE TEMPORARILY CLOSED.

WHAT? EXCUSE ME, SIR.

FOR HOW LONG?

GOOD QUESTION, CARLA.

OH, IT'S CATHERINE, ACTUALLY. [ CLEARS THROAT ]

FOR THOSE IN THE BACK, CARLA BAXTER, OUR NEW V.P...

[ APPLAUSE ]

...HAS ASKED HOW LONG WE EXPECT THE ROADS TO BE SHUT DOWN.

I HAVE NO IDEA.

[ INDISTINCT MURMURING ]

BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS THERE'S PLENTY MORE ADULT EGGNOG,

ALL RIGHT?

GO GET THEM, SANTAS.

THE KIDS. [ CLEARS THROAT ]

I'M HERE!

HELLO! FINN, I'M DOWNSTAIRS!

[ SIGHS ] WHO BUILDS A HOUSE LIKE THIS?

THIS IS SO LAME.

NOW I'M TALKING TO MYSELF.

ALEXIS?

D-DID YOU LEAVE YET?

[ CELLPHONE VIBRATES ]

"GONNA BE STUCK HERE A WHILE.

"FROZEN PIZZA IN FREEZER.

MAKE SURE FINN IN BED BY 10:00 P.M."

WELL, A DEAL'S A DEAL.

[ CLICKING ]

OH. OKAY.

OKAY, WELL, I GUESS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO MAKE THE BEST OF IT.

YEAH. I'LL GET YOU AN EGGNOG.

Man: NOT THIS TIME!

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU'LL NEVER BEAT ME!

NO! YOU WERE OUT OF PULSE GRENADES!

[ BEEPING ]

[ SIREN WAILING ]

YES! [ CHUCKLES ]

YOU'VE BEATEN ME LIKE A MILLION TIMES.

HOW DO YOU ALWAYS DO IT?

IS THIS ANDY? Who's Andy?

WHOA. HOW OLD ARE YOU, DUDE? 10.

MAN, I THOUGHT YOU WERE THIS OTHER GUY I PLAY WITH.

IF I HAD KNOWN YOU WERE JUST A KID,

I WOULDN'T HAVE OVERKILLED YOU SO MANY TIMES.

SO WHAT IF I'M 10?

NO, YOU ROCK, DUDE. YOU'RE GOOD.

YOU JUST NEED TO LEARN TO CONSERVE YOUR AMMO.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORD "CONSERVE" MEANS?

I'M 10. I'M NOT AN IDIOT.

RIGHT. RIGHT. SORRY. [ CHUCKLES ]

SO, HOW DID YOU GET SO GOOD? Practice.

YOU JUST GOT TO DEVOTE 10 TO 14 HOURS A DAY TO THE GAME,

YOU KNOW? PRIORITIES.

MY PARENTS ONLY LET ME PLAY FOR AN HOUR A DAY.

THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM RIGHT THERE.

I LIVE ALONE, SO...

YOU CAN PLAY VIDEO GAMES ALL DAY AND NIGHT

AND NO ONE EVER TELLS YOU TO CLEAN UP YOUR ROOM?

YEAH. [ LAUGHS ]

IT'S PRETTY MUCH THE BEST THING ABOUT GOING TO COLLEGE.

Sounds amazing.

SO, I ASKED FOR THE NEW "ROBO" EXPANSION PACK FOR CHRISTMAS.

WHAT DID YOU ASK FOR?

UH, I DON'T REALLY DO THE WHOLE CHRISTMAS THING

SINCE I DON'T LIVE WITH MY FOLKS ANYMORE.

SO, YOU'RE NOT GONNA VISIT THEM?

NAH. I DON'T REALLY HAVE, YOU KNOW, THE CASH TO BLOW

ON PLANE TICKETS RIGHT NOW ANYWAY.

SO YOU DON'T GET CHRISTMAS?

Oh, they'll send me something.

WELL, IF YOU'RE ALONE, IT'S NOT REALLY CHRISTMAS.

I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT LIKE THAT BEFORE.

WELL, UH, I'LL KEEP YOU COMPANY.

WANT TO PLAY AGAIN?

SURE.

I'LL EVEN GIVE YOU SOME POINTERS.

[ SCRAPING, CLATTERING ]

UH-OH.

UH-OH WHAT? YOU GOT TO GO?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS?

FINN, I BELIEVE THIS PLANE OF EXISTENCE HAS MANY MYSTERIES.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S JUST A BRANCH.

JUST A BRANCH.

[ SIGHS ]

[ SCRAPING, CLATTERING CONTINUE ]

HUH?

DEAD LEG!

[ SCRAPING, CLATTERING CONTINUE ]

OKAY, THE PERIMETER'S CLEAR.

NO MOVEMENT. ALL GOOD. ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.

I... I DON'T WANT TO ALARM YOU, BUT I THINK I JUST SAW SOMEONE

IN THAT WINDOW UPSTAIRS, BUT...

A FLICKERING OR, I DON'T KNOW, A SHADOW OR SOMETHING.

THIS GUY IN TOWN WAS TELLING ME THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED.

THE GANGSTER WHO STOLE YOUR GREAT GRANNY'S PICTURE...

HE GOT MURDERED IN THIS HOUSE.

YOU LEFT THAT PART OUT, DIDN'T YOU?

MAYBE HE DOESN'T WANT ANYONE TO TOUCH HIS PAINTING.

YOU KNOW, IF WE HAD SOME SAGE, WE COULD CLEANSE THE HOUSE OUT.

DON'T BE ABSURD.

I DON'T WANT TO UPSET SOME GHOST GANGSTER.

LOOK, WE'RE GOING IN. GHOST OR NO GHOST.

NOW, COME ON. LET'S GO GET YOUR TOOLS.

YOU, TOO. COME ON.

SIMON: Dude, can you still hear me?

Finn: IT'S THE GHOST. HE'S BACK.

DID YOU WATCH A SCARY MOVIE ON CABLE OR SOMETHING? WHAT? NO.

Whatever you do,

DO NOT STAY UP LATE AND WATCH R-RATED MOVIES.

IT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA,

BUT YOU CAN'T UN-SEE THAT STUFF, MAN.

I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.

HIDING UNDER THE BLANKETS SOMETIMES WORKS.

You're not helping.

BE RIGHT BACK.

[ GASPS ]

I THOUGHT YOU SAID THEY WERE AT A CHRISTMAS PARTY!

IT'S THE GHOST! IT'S THE GHOST!

IT'S NOT POSSIBLE. OH, I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

IT'S JUST A SECURITY DEVICE... THAT'S ALL.

OR MAYBE THEY DIDN'T ALL GO TO THE PARTY.

OH, DON'T BE SILLY.

YOU KNOW, SANTA CLAUS, ELVES, EGGNOG.

I MEAN, PEOPLE IN SMALL TOWNS... THEY LOVE THAT KIND OF CRAP.

I DON'T KNOW. I'M GETTING A GHOSTY FEELING.

I THINK I'M FEELING IT, TOO.

LOOK, THERE ARE NO GHOSTS, YOU FOOLS.

I MEAN, GOD. LISTEN TO YOURSELVES.

COME ON.

[ SCRAPING, CLATTERING ]

I-I'M NOT WALKING INTO A HAUNTED HOUSE

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

I'M NOT CRAZY.

I'M GETTING THESE CHILLS ON THE BACK OF MY NECK.

CODE RED! CODE RED!

COME BACK HERE!

COME BACK!

IT WORKED!

THE GHOST IS GONE!

Woman: [ In distance ] FINN!

FINN!

WHAT'S THAT?

FINN!

FINN!

FINN!

FINN!

ALEXIS?

A-ARE YOU HOME?

FINN!

MOM? DAD? FINN!

FINN!

FINN!

FINN! IT'S ME!

ALEXIS?

GET ME OUT OF HERE!

I'M STUCK IN THE BASEMENT.

IN THE SECRET ROOM?

YEAH, MORON, I'VE BEEN YELLING FOR YOU!

I'M IN THE UPSTAIRS BATHROOM.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE AT THE MALL.

I WISH I WERE AT THE MALL.

WHERE ARE MOM AND DAD?

THEY SENT A TEXT.

THEY'RE GONNA BE LATE. GREAT.

UGH. IT'S SO CREEPY DOWN HERE.

YOU GOT TO GET ME OUT... NOW.

OKAY.

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

[ GRUNTING ]

OKAY. OKAY, LET'S TRY THIS.

[ CLICKING ]

Okay.

[ GRUNTING ]

WHAT CUTS THROUGH A SAFE? WHAT CUTS THROUGH A SAFE?

OH, SHE CAN'T HEAR ME.

I'LL GET YOU OUT SOMEHOW. I PROMISE!

SHE STILL CAN'T HEAR ME.

HIYA, FINN.

MORE SNOW!

I SEE THAT.

WANT TO MAKE SNOWBALLS WITH ME?

I HAVE A SYSTEM TO MAKE THE PERFECT SNOWBALL.

I CAN'T RIGHT NOW. MY SISTER'S TRAPPED IN THE BASEMENT,

AND I HAVE TO BUY SUPPLIES TO BREAK HER OUT.

OH, COOL. SEE YOU LATER.

[ CASH REGISTER BEEPING ]

[ GRUNTING ]

SORRY. [ GRUNTS ]

Cashier: THAT IS $2,152.71.

HMM.

AND WHOM SHALL I MAKE THIS OUT TO?

WE ONLY TAKE PERSONAL CHECKS WITH A VALID DRIVER'S LICENSE.

AH, I MUST HAVE LEFT THAT IN MY OTHER PANTS.

[ COINS JINGLE ] WHAT CAN I GET...

FOR...

$1.68?

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

[ GRUNTS ]

OH, I'M SORRY.

BE CAREFUL, YOUNG MAN.

WHAT'S THE RUSH?

IS THERE A FIRE SOMEWHERE?

[ SCRAPING, CLATTERING ]

ONE AMERICANO. THANK YOU.

ONE PUMPKIN-MOCHA LATTE

WITH EXTRA WHIPPED CREAM.

THANKS. I'M STILL NOT GOING IN THE HAUNTED HOUSE, THOUGH.

WHAT'S IT GONNA TAKE FOR YOU TWO BOZOS

TO COMPLETE THE JOB YOU WERE EXPLICITLY HIRED TO DO?

THAT IS, BREAK INTO AN EMPTY HOUSE

AND STEAL A SIMPLE PAINTING.

PLEASE, DO TELL.

NO GHOST. MORE MONEY.

UH, YEAH, MORE MONEY.

[ Laughing ] MORE MONEY? OH, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING!

WHAT... YOU... YOU DRAG IN FILTH AND CRUMBS INTO THE SCENE,

AND YOU... YOU BOTCHED THE LOOKOUT LIKE AN AMATEUR.

AND NOW YOU WANT A BIGGER SPLIT OF THE SPOILS?

OH, COME ON.

I BELIEVE YOU WANT YOUR GIGI BACK.

LOOK...

WE HAD A DEAL...

25% FOR YOU, 25% FOR DINGBAT HERE,

AND 50% FOR ME. YEAH?

WELL, THE DEAL'S CHANGED NOW SINCE THE GHOST.

50% FOR ME. 50% FOR JESSICA.

25% FOR YOU.

WHAT? LOOK...

WE'RE GONNA SPLIT IT THREE WAYS.

OTHERWISE, WE WALK, AND GIGI GOES BYE-BYE.

YOU ARE A HARD-HEARTED WOMAN.

WANT TO HELP ME FINISH MY SNOW FORT?

I CAN'T RIGHT NOW.

A TEAM OF ART THIEVES

IS PLANNING AN ASSAULT ON MY NEW HOUSE.

AND I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DEFEND IT.

OH, COOL. SEE YOU LATER.

[ SIGHS ]

REALLY?

Finn: ALEXIS!

THE HOUSE ISN'T HAUNTED.

WE'RE UNDER SIEGE!

IT'S BEING ROBBED!

THIS ISN'T ONE OF YOUR GAMES, FINN.

I KNOW I WAS WRONG ABOUT THE GHOST BEFORE,

BUT THERE ARE ART THIEVES, AND...

JUST STOP SCREWING AROUND

AND GET ME OUT OF HERE.

OR FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN.

[ BEEPING ]

WHAT'S UP, LITTLE MAN? NEED SOME MORE POINTERS?

THIEVES ARE ATTACKING MY HOUSE. I'M UNDER SIEGE!

UH, WHAT GAME ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? They're almost here.

HOW DO I STOP THEM FROM GETTING IN?

UH, SOUNDS LIKE A TOWER-DEFENSE GAME?

LIKE LEVEL 17 ON "ROBO INFANTRY 3"!

Exactly.

NOW, WHAT ARE YOUR CHARACTER'S SKILLS AND ABILITIES?

UM, I'M GOOD AT TRAPS. Excellent.

NOW, DON'T JUST SET ONE OR TWO.

THE KEY TO THESE TYPES OF GAMES...

YOU NEED TO STAGGER YOUR DEFENSES, OKAY?

I HAVE TO IDENTIFY THE WEAKNESS IN MY PERIMETER

AND SET DETERRENTS.

RIGHT, BUT TO REALLY WIN,

YOU NEED TRAPS THAT DEPLOY ON THEIR OWN.

LIKE YOUR PULSE GRENADES!

AH, YOU FIGURED OUT MY SECRET.

NOW, HOW MUCH AMMO DO YOU HAVE?

WELL, NONE.

ALL I COULD AFFORD WAS A SPOOL OF STRING.

I GOT TO GET THIS GAME. IT SOUNDS AWESOME.

UH, SO, THAT'S NOT A LOT TO WORK WITH.

I CAN USE MY ENVIRONMENT.

GREAT! YEAH!

UM, THAT'S HOW THESE GAMES USUALLY WORK.

YOU NEED TO THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX

AND FIND OTHER RESOURCES.

YEAH, I CAN DO THAT.

Yeah, I know you can, dude.

YOU'RE LIKE THE SMARTEST KID I KNOW.

You can figure out the specifics.

AND, HEY, IF YOU NEED ANY MORE POINTERS,

I'LL BE ONLINE FOR THE NEXT...

8 TO 10 YEARS, PROBABLY.

YOU KNOW WHAT MY DAD ALWAYS SAYS?

What?

"YOU GOT TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE ONCE IN A WHILE, BUDDY.

ENJOY THE REAL WORLD... IT'S THE BEST GAME THERE IS."

[ SCISSORS SNIP ]

UGH. [ COUGHS ]

THE ONLY THING TO BE AFRAID OF IN THIS HOUSE

IS ME.

[ SCRAPING, CLATTERING ]

Shh!

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

LOOK AT THIS.

YOU SEE? THE HOUSE IS HAUNTED.

THE GHOST KNOWS WE'RE COMING.

OH, REALLY?

UH, DID THE GHOST USE THAT BUCKET, TOO?

HE'S GOT A POINT.

COME ON, YOU TWO.

JUST FOCUS HERE.

ALL RIGHT.

WE'RE NOT A BUNCH OF TWO-BIT BANDITS.

WE'RE NOT GONNA BE STYMIED BY A SLIPPERY WALKWAY.

ALL RIGHT. FOLLOW ME.

OKAY.

ROLL-UP GARAGE DOORS... EASIEST KIND TO BREAK INTO.

GOOD.

HURRY UP.

IT'S STUCK ON SOMETHING.

Hughes: SOMETHING SUPERNATURAL?

OH, SHUT UP. GO HELP HER.

COME ON.

[ WHIMPERS ] GO ON.

[ BOTH GRUNTING ]

COME ON.

[ BOTH SHOUT ]

STOP SCREWING AROUND. OHH.

JESSICA, CIRCLE THE PERIMETER OF THE HOUSE.

SEE IF THERE'S A WINDOW OPEN.

AND YOU, MR. PRESIDENT,

GET INTO THE GARAGE.

THE HOUSE HAS A MIND OF ITS OWN.

OH. UNLIKE SOMEONE I KNOW.

[ SIGHS ]

LAME.

[ GRUNTS ]

AAH! WHOA!

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

Sinclair: ARE YOU IN?

[ GRUNTS ]

NOW GO 'ROUND AND OPEN THE FRONT DOOR.

[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]

AAH! STOP! STOP!

SINCLAIR! AAH!

[ SCREAMING, CLATTERING ]

[ SCREAMING AND CLATTERING STOP ]

[ Strained ] OUCH. OH...

[ CHUCKLES ]

I AIN'T AFRAID OF NO GHOST.

[ GRUNTS ]

COMING IN HANDY, RUDOLPH.

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.

PERFECT.

UGH.

UGH!

OKAY.

[ SIGHS ] GEEZ.

ALL RIGHT.

[ GRUNTS ]

OKAY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW?

[ GRUNTING ]

[ GASPS ] OH!

OH!

[ GRUNTS, SIGHS ]

THE HOUSE HAS GOT ME!

AH.

AAH!

AAH!

[ Crying ] AAH!

GROSS!

[ DOORKNOB TURNS ]

[ DOOR HINGES SQUEAK ]

[ LIQUID DRIPPING ]

[ SIGHS ]

ART THIEVES?

AWESOME!

MY PERIMETER IS TOTALLY HOLDING UP!

HEY, UH, I'VE BEEN SEARCHING THE NET,

AND I CAN'T FIND WHATEVER GAME YOU'RE PLAYING.

THIS ISN'T A GAME.

THIS IS REAL. THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT SO COOL.

RIGHT. AH. SORRY.

WAIT!

HOLD UP.

ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU'RE REALLY A 10-YEAR-OLD

WHO'S BEEN LEFT HOME ALL BY YOURSELF,

AND NOW REAL THIEVES ARE TRYING TO BREAK IN?

YEP.

AND MY SISTER'S TRAPPED IN THE BASEMENT RIGHT NOW,

SO I GOT TO GO.

Oh, my God. Wait.

I-I-I'VE GOT TO CALL THE COPS

OR... OR... OR YOUR PARENTS

OR, LIKE, JACK BAUER OR SOMETHING!

WHERE DO YOU LIVE?

I'M SORRY.

BUT I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO GIVE OUT THAT INFORMATION.

YOU KNOW, STRANGER DANGER.

"STRANGER DANGER"?

THERE ARE PEOPLE TRYING TO INVADE YOUR HOME.

GOT TO GO!

SECOND WAVE.

FINN.

FINN!

Alexis: FINN! SIS!

MY DEFENSES ARE HOLDING.

YOU SAID THEY'RE ART THIEVES,

WHICH MEANS THEY'RE LOOKING FOR THE PAINTING,

WHICH MEANS THEY'RE COMING RIGHT TO ME.

YOU NEED TO CALL THE POLICE.

CALL MOM AND DAD.

CALL AN ADULT... ANY ADULT.

DO YOU HEAR ME?

YOUR PHONE'S DEAD.

YOU REALLY SHOULD GET BETTER ABOUT CHARGING IT.

[ SIGHS ]

BUT IT'S COOL.

THEY THINK I'M A GHOST.

I DON'T CARE IF THEY THINK YOU'RE SANTA.

DON'T WORRY.

IF THEY GET TO YOU, WE GO WITH PLAN "B."

PLAN "B"?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, PLAN "B"?

[ Ringing ]

ALEXIS: Hey, this is Alexis.

I'm busy right now,

but leave me a message, and I'll call you back.