Original subtitles

PAT: That's a terrible decision.

JULIAN: Oh, and you're the expert, are you?

PAT: I've got eyes, mate. I've got four of them.

JULIAN: You know nothing, mate. Nothing.

Come on, you reds.

Yes, come on. Please, the red. Just the red one

Oh naff off, ref. That was never a foul.

Oh, put your handbag away, grandma.

ALISON: What's going on here then?

Since when do you watch football?

Uh, they keep talking about it at work.

I'm just watching enough so I got something to say.

Uh, excuse me.

It's time for my Murder, She Wrote.

Murder, She Wrote, again?

Yes, It's my one form of entertainment and I never...

That was a dive, that was a dive.

All part of the game. All part of the game.

(BABBLING)

Look at this.

Wow.

They've got a calendar and everything.

Here at Arrowcroft Hall,

we look after your every need.

A beautiful 16th century mansion...

-That's a corner! -I knew it...

Weddings, celebrations, corporate events, whatever the occasion...

You should do one of these films.

No, I'm not going in front of the camera again.

That's fine. I'll do it. Easy.

-Oh! -That was skill!

Oh, he's so good!

You just fancy him from my aftershave ad.

No, I don't. It's nothing to do that.

I just admire his like...

-Keepy-uppies. -Keepy-uppies, keepy-uppies.

Oh, I could do that if I had, like, a 1,000 hours practice.

-I don't think you could. -I could.

-No, you couldn't. -Only a thousand?

Humphrey, can I borrow you for a bit?

What?

Well, Mike's filming this promo thing today

and we should soon have enough money start the gatehouse.

So between making money from there and events,

he should be able to stop his job job.

Great, that's so good.

-You okay? -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-It looked like you just seen... -MAN: Hello.

Oh, no. I know. I'm just going on and on about myself.

How about you? How are things with the cafe? Any news?

Oh, God. Don't ask.

What? Really? I thought it was all good.

MAN: They just looked at me.

It's a long story. Honestly, I'd rather hear about you.

-MAN: They don't see me. -Something happened?

-It's so embarrassing. -What?

-I've lost it all. -What?

Yeah, he basically conned me.

He did all this talk about investment and believing in my vision

and then he just ran off with my deposit.

-My... -Just all the money I'd saved.

-What a total. -Yeah.

Isn't there something, like, that you can do?

Well, he said it would be easier if we put all the money into one account.

And I just didn't even question it.

-Oh, no. -So...

I mean, I guess I'm an idiot.

-You're nor an idiot. -I am an idiot, actually.

Because I didn't read the paperwork.

I didn't get any independent advice.

I didn't even check his background?

Oh, no. Lucy, none of this is your fault.

You poor thing. Come here.

Do you fancy a jog?

Actually, shell we jog back to the car.

-Just get outta here. -Yeah.

Shake it off.

Eh.

We're going to be stuck here forever

and I just think I'll go mad.

Now, steady on. Steady.

We must not lose our morale.

At least we have each other.

Yes, Gerald.

There must be some way off this island, Beatrice.

We need a boat.

We could cut down this tree.

(GRUNTING)

That's done it. Here she goes, timber.

And we can fashion it into a canoe.

There we go. In we get, Beatrice.

Okay.

-Oh, yes. Very good. -I see home.

Ah, land ahoy!

And scene.

-Well done. -Lovely. Lovely. Sit down.

Stuck on an island, and you found a way off of it.

Wonderful improvisation.

Do I like that.

All right, who's next?

No, let someone else have a turn.

-Oh, Me. -Yes, Mary.

And where's Lady B?

Well, she's watching Murder, She Wrote.

-Is she, again? -Yes. Afraid so.

Okay, Robin, would you like to, you know, give it a try?

(GRUNTS)

Okay, well, let's start with something simple.

So how about the shopkeeper and the customer?

Mary enters Robin's shop and...

Improvise.

-Where's the shop? -It's here.

-What? -Well, it's pretend.

You know, use your imagination, it's in your imagination.

-Door, Mary. -Oh.

Please, can I have a door?

Oh, it's a door shop.

Great. Yeah.

No.

Okay, now, Robin, that's called blocking.

Mary's made you an offer there. She's made this a door shop.

So you need to build on that and say something like,

what kind of door do you require, madam?

What do you want?

Oh, um, can I have a new door?

No.

Okay, Robin, that's...

Don't block. Okay?

In improvisation, you say yes and... Okay?

Yes and no.

Yeah. And why do I want a new door though, Patrick?

I don't know. It's not...

Let's try something new. Okay?

How about the doctor's surgery.

-Oh, yeah. -Yes, okay. And...

Improvise.

-Hello, you a doctor? -No.

Flaming nora!

Take cover.

Ooh.

Nice.

What is that?

Yeah. Do what?

Daddy got a brand new drone.

Oh, yeah.

It's a sweet bit of kit.

Of course, the Americans were playing with these sorts of things back in my day.

They were a lot bigger and noisier,

and more about missiles and cameras, but, you know, pretty cool.

MIKE: Oh, no, no, no. Don't go down, up, up, up.

-No, no, go up. Don't go down go up, up. Come on. -Ah...

(DRONE BEEPING)

Yeah, of course it doesn't come fully charged.

Fully charged.

What's wrong with a good old AAA, ah?

-Could've gone to the shop... -Gone down to the shop.

...had it fixed in no time, but we got to plug it in now.

(HUMPHREY GROANING)

-HUMPHREY: God. -THOMAS: One...

One, two, three, four...

Come on, we can do it. ...two.

I counted ten.

-Ten's good. -So much harder than it looks.

Yeah. So's your knee.

Are we taking a break now?

-No. -Yes. Now, that hurt me too.

-Well did it. -We're both suffering, Humphrey, stop complaining.

Easy for you to say. You're not the...

Button House has stood on this site since the 15th century.

It's entertained Henry VIII

and now it could entertain you.

It's a perfect place for your event.

Whether it's weddings... What?

You're terrible at this.

It's like watching Jeffrey Archer on Newsnight.

Come on, do it again.

...entertained Henry VIII. and now it could entertain you.

Be...

It's a perfect place for your event.

It's a perfect place for your event

whether it's weddings, celebrations or corporate occasions.

You come to the right place if you've come to Button... You're in the shot.

-ALISON: Sorry. -It's Fine.

He nearly got it then.

This is nice.

-Thanks. -Wow.

-Are you behaving yourself? -Yes.

-Which one is there? -Julian.

-It's all I need. -I haven't done anything.

He says, he's just watching.

-And can I just talk to you about something? -Yeah, of course.

All right, yeah, Private thing, is it?

You take five, Mike. We'll, uh...

get it in the "can" later, yeah?

Ah.

MARY: Yes. And there was a big army coming towards.

-Good. -Yes. And we open the new door.

-Oh, we're back in the door. -Yes, and on the other side of the door

is a kingdom of tiny peoples.

-Yes. And they made me their Queen. -Mary.

They have given us a drink out of a gleaming cup...

-Mary. -...and a big plate of potatoes.

-Yes, and the portion is making us all drowsy. -Mary.

Yes. And the little peoples carry us towards their big cooking pot...

Okay, Mary.

Do you want to pass it over to Robin?

Yes. And Doctor...

Doctor, can you help me?

Is there a door out of this world?

-No. -Oh, scene.

Lord love us. Scene.

Mary, that's a bit too much imagination, if anything.

And Robin, you need to work on your blocking, mate.

-No. -You know?

They just run off with all her money.

Yeah.

-It's awful. -Isn't it?

And I was thinking, like, I know that with this close

to making The Gatehouse target.

-And you, you work so hard towards that moment. -Oh, yeah.

And it would be like a nightmare to delay it anymore.

-But I was thinking. -You want to lend her money?

-Yes. -Of course we should.

Are you sure? Because I don't want to do this if you're not sure.

She's your Sister. If it was my sister we'd do.

Well, one of them.

I love you. Thank you.

Thank you.

-She's gonna be so happy. -Yeah.

-How's filming? -Smashing it

Hello, Catherine.

Everything all right?

Yes, thank you.

Hmm.

I wish I had a photo with Alison.

Ah, no can do, I'm afraid.

But I imagine if it were possible,

then you'd be straight into the Hall of Fame

with that wonderful smile of yours.

Now, where is it?

Where is it?

There it is. Now.

Come along. Can't have you mopping about all day.

Oh, look. Weymouth.

Yeah, I've got some happy memories there actually.

You mean the seaside?

-That's Cornwall. -No, no, no, that's Weymouth.

Now, I recognise the pill box on the rise there

just over his right shoulder. Do you see?

He actually went on manoeuvres.

First time I ever tried a Bren gun.

Very exciting.

I did hit a seagull.

I still feel bad about it actually.

And it's the silence after the shot.

One minute they're cawing away happily the next it's just... feathers.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Lucy said it was Cornwall.

Yes, so, well, Mike and I have been talking

about your situation with the business.

And we were thinking we want to help.

- LUCY: Oh, God, Please don't think. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No. No. I'm saying, honestly, honestly, we've...

We've been saving and we want to invest it in your business.

It's an investment because we believe in you,

and we think it's gonna be great.

LUCY: Wow.

But this is... Are you sure?

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean...

To be honest, this this is actually bit of a dream come true for me.

'Cause, like, I've never had a sister, obviously.

And, you know, I've always been...

I was always jealous of my friends who had siblings.

And you know my parents aren't around.

And so to find out, I actually have some family...

And the fact I can help you with something

is just honestly, honestly, nothing would make me happier

(VOICE BREAKING) ...lost you for that last bit.

Yeah, you know, actually, it doesn't matter.

We... I want you to have the money.

HUMPHREY: Surly that's enough.

You know, this is so good.

Damnation.

Humphrey.

It's a perfect place for your event, whether it's a wedding...

-Oooh. - Whether it's weddings.

Corporates... Corporate occasions...

Oh, let's face it, mate. You're just not cut out for this.

Come on, Mikey boy. It's easy.

It's just talking.

And it's my house.

Look at that?

Button House.

I can't believe it's our family home, but it is.

This is Button House.

I still can't believe that this beautiful building

with all its history, is actually our family home.

If you choose Button House for your wedding or celebration or any of them,

we'll make you feel like part of a family too.

We love to share with you.

That was pretty good.

Should've been recording.

(GROANS)

Thanks, Julian.

I'm over here, but you're welcome.

Other side, mate.

-She's a liar. -What?

Lucy. That photo on your mirror.

She said it was taken in Cornwall, didn't she?

Yes.

Uh, well, it wasn't.

It was Weymouth.

The Captain knows it was

because it's where he killed a seagull.

What are you talking about?

If she's lying about that, then what else is she lying about

She's driving us apart?

Well, maybe it was a mistake.

Or I don't know. Or the Captain got it wrong.

-Yeah, but... -Kitty, you've got to stop.

You've been jealous of her from the moment she came along.

I know. I know that you're finding this difficult, Kitty,

but she's my sister, and that's not going to change.

It's not her that's driving us apart, it's you.

Humphrey.

HUMPHREY: Psst.

Just hide me, please.

Humphrey. Humphrey.

-Where? -I don't know.

Improvise.

Humphrey?

Oh, come on, Humphrey. We were having fun, weren't we?

Humphrey?

Mary.

You haven't seen Humphrey's head by any chance?

Yes. And he'd be in the world of the tiny peoples.

What?

Yes, and he's going to the door shop.

Well, that is spectacularly helpful. Thank you, Mary,

Humphrey.

Well, I don't know what that was, but thank you.

You is welcome.

No, no, no. Take me with you.

All right.

HUMPHREY: Lift me up.

-Right then. -There we go.

There she blows.

BOTH: Lovely.

Right, now, I think.

-(SCREAMS) -What?

-That's gonna look great. -Wait, wait, wait.

Oh! Oh, no no, no.

-What's your problem. That's your finale -Come back, come back.

To cut a long story short.

Apparently, Lucy said it was in Cornwall.

Sorry, but I...

I always wondered...

Is it not a frightful coincidence that she's always there,

the scene of the murder?

Hmm?

Haven't the police not thought to ask themselves

-whether it's more than a coincidence. -Shh.

There. I knew she'd get her man.

(SIGHS)

Now what were you saying?

The photograph was in Weymouth.

Whereas Lucy said it was in Cornwall.

Now, look, it could be a harmless mistake,

but Kitty rather seems to think it means something.

Foul play.

Let me see this photograph.

Alison.

I'm sorry about what I said.

You're right. I was just jealous.

I think it's so wonderful that you're helping her.

That's what sisters do, isn't it?

So if I can help you help her, I'd love to.

Thank you. Kitty.

I knew you'd come around eventually.

No problem.

I love Lucy now, and I trust her completely.

Hm.

And you're certain?

Yeah, absolutely sure of it. It's the pillbox, you see.

Now I remember it vividly.

Well, if you want to convince someone you're their sister

then a photograph of their father

is certainly an ingenious way to start.

But is it possible to fake a photograph?

Oh, yes. You can do anything with Photoshop.

Yes. Take it to the photo shop.

They cut out the negative and...

No. It's computer software.

You can take someone's face, for example, the leader of the opposition,

and put it on the body of let's say, a donkey.

Print it up as Christmas card,

send it to everyone in the Commons.

You've got yourself a Yuletide joke.

Great days.

Let me show you how it works.

Yeah, don't kick me.

Face me, Mary. There we go.

-ALL: Ooh! -See?

Oh, that's like the thumb trick.

Of what?

Oh,

(SCREAMS)

For a moment, there, you did...

Oh, I see it's... (SCREAMS)

Right, so we know it can be done.

But where on earth would Lucy have got a photograph of Alison's father?

That's it.

Down.

Keep going, keep going. Even more.

Yes, yes, yes.

Do watch from start.

I know, I know, I know.

Oh, Oh, you all right?

I was... chasing the drone.

Do you mind coming with me to meet Lucy?

She says she needs the transfer today.

Can't you do it on the phone?

It's kind of a big deal.

I want to toast it with that.

-Yeah. -Yeah?

-Good idea. -Okay.

Rest up.

I need water. I need some water.

-It's coming up, get ready. -I'm ready. I'm ready.

MAN: It's around here.

-There you are. -Oh, God.

-Where did you get... -Shh. This is important.

We think Lucy might be up to no good.

What?

-Hole, hold, hold. -Pause.

There.

Oh, no, it be facing to other way.

ROBIN: But they have same beard.

Not so fast.

It's all a matter of perspective.

When one looks at the reflection, the face is identical.

-She flipped it. -Good Lord.

So she saw Alison on the television.

ALISON: It was inherited through...

FANNY: Learned that she was orphan in possession

of an impressive country estate.

ALISON: So with no living relatives...

FANNY: Tracked down the address,

Hi.

FANNY: ...ingratiated herself...

-Sugar? -One, please.

Same as me.

FANNY: . ..and used a doctored photograph

to make Alison believe they were sisters.

This is when he was living in Cornwall?

Yeah.

Looks like I have a sister.

CAPTAIN: Lord.

Which all begs the question.

What does she want?

What does she want?

We've to warn Alison.

-Yes. -Come on.

Hey, hey, hey. Don't forget about me.

(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

Kitty, Where's Alison?

She and Mike are going to give Lucy all of their savings.

(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(HOUSE MUSIC PLAYING)

(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

No!

This is unbelievable.

You guys are so kind.

I was literally about to lose lease.

Well, what's family for?

I mean, like it was fate.

If you hadn't been on TV and I hadn't happen to have seen it,

then we never would have found each other.

Imagine if Dad could see us.

Okay. So, uh...

Account name, should I put Lucy,

or is that not your real name?

Somebody do something.

-We have to improvise. -Yes and.

Not that kind of improvise, Mary.

HUMPHREY: Kick me.

-What? -Kick me.

-Really? -There comes a time when the greater...

HUMPHREY: Alison!

Oh, my God.

HUMPHREY: Stop, turn back. It's about Lucy.

Yep. That's pretty clear.

It's detailed, so I'm sure police could work out.

Why me?

Don't take it personally.

What a day.

One second.

Take your time.

I'm sorry. You lost the sister you never had.

You're the sister I never had.

I want to give you a hug.

-But you're not gonna like it. -Oh, who cares.

(SIGHS)

Yes, you're right. That was horrible.

-Welcome home. -Yeah.

-Yes. -Welcome back.

-MAN: Good to have you back -Thanks, guys.

There's been a murder!

Nobody is to leave this room.

Mike. Mike...

Might be an idea to lay off The Murder, She Wrote for a bit.

Yes. Yes, I suppose I should.

But well done on piecing it all together, you know.

And that was good, wasn't it?

Truly remarkable, Fanny.

MIKE: Dinner is served.

(ALL GASP)

ALISON: Do you like it, Kitty?

I can't stop looking at it. It's wonderful.

Nice, long finish.

I'd love that.

If only we could actually eat.

Yes. And.

Hmm. That's lovely.

You enjoying your steak, Robin?

No.

Yes.

And a very much looking for the pudding.

And what are you having for pudding, Robin?

Yes, and berries. Yes, and cream.

Creamy berries.

Lovely.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

MAN: Cheers, everyone.

ALL: Cheers.

-What are you drinking? -Pint of porter.

Cheers.

MIKE: Stop.

Stop. Julian, what did you do?