Original subtitles

Well, there are lots of exciting options,

but I like sex on the beach.

Is that vodka based, or...

Oh, we're talking about drinks.

It'd be a port and lemon for me. Bitter top.

You said it, mate.

What if it was puddle water mixed with river water?

It's still not a cocktail, Robin.

-It's all I've ever drunk. -PAT: Right.

And seeing as Mary doesn't partake...

'Tis devil's juice.

...that just about wraps up our inaugural Cocktail Society.

-Cock Soc? -No.

We're not calling it that name.

When I was fuck duct as CO of...

Those aren't real words.

...it was the highlight of our week

-on a Friday night. -(WOMAN SINGING)

♪♪ What a day it is ♪♪

Is that me?

Good morning, good morning!

(SCATTING TUNE)

Oh, Kitty, what pretty hair you have today.

And Robin, looking very sprightly.

And a lovely smile, as always, from my dearest Pat-a-Cake.

(GASPS) Huh?

What just happened?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

-Unknown pages seven and nine. -ALISON: Okay.

Hmm. Nice.

The scent. Rosewood?

That's my granola.

-Hmm. -ALISON: Okay.

MAN: Marvellous.

Well, your driveway is now officially your driveway.

Sorry again. This really should have come up in our searches.

-Ah, these things happen. -To us.

Hopefully, we won't find any more skeletons in the, uh...

-Basement. -...closet.

-Closet? -Mm-hmm.

ALISON: Well, we should get going.

My sister's coming over.

Uh, sis... Sister?

I didn't think you had a sister.

Oh, yeah. No, recent development.

Yeah. Erm, long-lost sister.

Well, actually, half-sister.

-And which half or on which side? -My dad's.

Older, younger?

Uh, older.

Oh, dear!

Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear!

Uh, is there... is there a problem?

Well, she may have a claim to the estate,

so either you'd have to buy her out

which you don't have the money for

or sell the house and split the proceeds.

Admittedly, that's the worst-case scenarios,

but it's a very serious situation.

I mean... So what can we do?

Well, first things first, you need to confirm her identity.

A birth certificate, at least,

-if not a DNA test. -A DNA test?

Uh, you're not serious.

I'm always serious. Ask my wife.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

I know Fanny better than any of you.

She does have a lighter side in her.

Not that light.

No, something's up.

Perhaps she's unwell.

She's dead, Kitty.

There you are then.

Perhaps she has been possessed.

(SCOFFS) There's no such thing as possession.

Well, there's no such thing as ghosts, but...

(ALL ARGUING)

MIKE: Well, can we just drop it in conversationally?

Oh, yeah. "Oh, hi, Lucy. Nice weather.

-"Can I test your DNA?" -(LAUGHS)

Look, she might not even want the house.

He did say that was just worst-case scenario.

He knows he screwed up the driveway thing,

so he's just being super cautious, right.

Anyway, we'll get back to work.

Hey, look at me.

I've got the kind of work that people have gotta get back to.

-Mm. -I'm really proud as a person.

(CHUCKLES)

Don't know whether to be proud or depressed.

Ah, Alison. I couldn't help but overhear...

-Oh, you heard. -...something about Lucy.

A test.

(SIGHS) Yeah. I just, er,

I've to sort of confirm she is who she says she is.

You mean like a spy?

-No, that's... That's not... -Now, I happen to have

a very particular set of skills

-when it comes to rooting out bad apples. -Yeah.

If someone wanted, someone could conduct

some covert surveillance on a certain someone

if someone didn't want to get their hands dirty,

if you know what I mean.

I don't want you to spy on my sister,

if that's what you mean.

So you don't want me to spy on her. Jolly good.

No, no, no, really. Captain, I really...

-I really don't want you to spy on her. -What?

I don't... I'm just... I'm just gonna talk to her

and, you know, ask for some clarity

and, er, some ID (SIGHS) and a DNA swab,

and then just ruin our relationship before we've even...

Okay, actually, do you know what?

Maybe a little light surveillance

wouldn't be the worst idea. Okay, do it.

Do you mean, do it as in "don't do it,"

or do it as in, "do it"?

-Do it. -So... Don't.

-No, do. -Yes.

Do.

Er, all right.

-Did, erm... Don't? -Jolly good. All right.

-Sorry. Is that actual don't... -How did we win the war?

All right, young lady. All right.

I'll make it simple for you.

If you want to green light this mission,

say, "Eiderdown."

-Eiderdown. Oh. -(SHUSHES)

For God's sake.

-All right. -Mm.

We'll soon find out if she's a German.

I mean, she is who she says she is.

Okay.

Good luck.

-Thank you? -Mm.

Right. Let's get in amongst them.

Stop it!

(LAUGHS) Well, I'm bored.

I miss the office, the banter,

the secretaries, whirr of the faxes.

The secretary's photocopier.

The secretaries on the photocopier. (LAUGHS)

Oh.

-Here! -Right.

Do you know what a line manager is?

Because mine's very serious.

-Yeah, I'm sure that you find this stuff hilarious. -What's up with him?

Ah, he's just being a square.

He's having a square meal.

And he's off to a square dance in Trafalgar Square.

So please, just begone.

Huh.

(EXHALES)

(TYPING)

-Oh, my! -(SHOUTS EXCITEDLY) Like bum!

Yes, exactly like bum.

Just stop it, all right? Or I'm telling Alison.

-BOTH: Ooh! -Thank you.

Ooh.

(CLICKS)

-No! -(BOTH LAUGH)

No, no, no, no, no.

-That's sent, that's sent. -Yeah!

(CAR APPROACHING)

Oh, joy, the other one.

Kitty.

To think my head was turned

-by such a pale imitation of perfection. -ALISON: Mm.

So nice she's back. When is she leaving?

She's staying the night.

-A sleepover? -Mm-hm.

-Which I'm fine about, actually. -Yeah.

Not jealous at all.

The opposite of jealous.

If anything, I'm happy.

And if you see me crying, it's because I'm so happy.

(SOBBING)

I'm gonna kill him.

I'm gonna resurrect him and I'm gonna kill him.

-ALISON: Robin. -It wasn't me.

So I'm typing an email, right? To my boss,

and, oh, Mr. Funny Fingers

starts messing with the keyboard,

changing words to rude words.

Made "annual" review "anal" review.

-Like bum. -(BOTH LAUGH)

(ALISON CHUCKLES)

Yes. No, that... That's not funny

at the end of the day. I mean, you can't.

-You really can't. -I asked him to stop.

I begged him.

And what does he do? Puts a kiss on it.

-"Best wishes, Michael. Kiss." -Mwah.

And we do not have that kind of relationship at all.

Okay. Yeah, he really shouldn't have done that,

(SIGHS) but I doubt they'll even notice.

Well, she better not. Or I'll...

You'll what, mate?

-What are you gonna do? -(GROWLS IN FRUSTRATION)

Oh, it's so hard to threaten dead people!

-Toodle-oo! -ROBIN: Yeah, keep walking.

-(LAUGHS) -Was funny.

-Really funny. -It's given me a stitch. (LAUGHS)

-Hey. How are you? -Hello. It's so, so, lovely...

-Sorry. Sorry. -Oh.

-Sorry. -(BOTH CHUCKLE AWKWARDLY)

Ah, I feel nothing.

Less than nothing.

Oh, I thought you were only coming for only one night.

Oh, yeah. I always overpack.

Dressing gown, slippers, couple of books.

What are you reading?

-Just some poetry. -All right.

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind.

And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.

Thomas, if you could just dial down the flirting

while my sister's here please, because it's...

Thomas?

-Huh. -Hmm.

And if you just go through, we're heading up the stairs to the blue room.

Oh, and I brought this for you.

-Well, for us. -Ah Sancerre

A woman of taste. Flinty.

MARY: I know the voice speaks.

I'm telling to you, Fanny be bedevilled.

I saw her head make turns a full circle.

Really?

Well, no, but she did that and she did that.

So how long till they meet in the middle?

-Normally, we just pick the nicest lady for it. -(SNEEZES)

Bless you.

What a charming young lady. So polite.

-Oh, her you like. -Sorry?

Er, I heard you like to do...

Do you... Do you like to travel? Er, is...

-Erm, when I can. -Yeah.

-I just got back from Berlin. -Okay.

-I knew it. She's German. -I did a bit of house hunting.

Oh no, we're not doing that, are we? Carry on.

But a demon wouldn't make her act happy, Mary.

They're not jolly things, demons.

Oh I don't know, vice decadent fornication.

Nice work if you can get it.

-Be gone, foul demon! -(FANNY GASPS)

Mary, you gave me a start. Oh, you are a card.

Right, something's up.

I'm gonna find out exactly what it is, young lady.

-Old lady. Lady. -FANNY: Patrick.

I'm afraid I have no idea to what you might be...

MARY: Be not fooled!

She being the throne of some chucklesome imp.

I'm quite sure there's been no change to my out...

Aha!

I recognise that glint in your eye.

I've seen it many times, in mirrors.

You're having an affair.

(CACKLES) I am not!

How dare you... (STUTTERING)

Oh.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(SING-SONG) Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Hang on, hang on.

Well, she ghost, huh?

So she could only, erm, (KISSING)

with other ghost, yeah?

Which means whoever she (KISSING) with

must be someone in this room.

(ALL GASP)

Well, the Captain.

Someone in this room.

Ever get lost in here?

Well, no, I mean, you get used to...

Yeah. Yes, actually. Yeah, yeah, all the time.

It's awful. It's actually too big, if anything.

There's so much space.

Yet also quite small, weirdly, once you're in.

It's sort of one of those places better to visit then to...

Well, anyway, you're... You're in here.

Oh, my...

-Wow. -Well, it's a bit bleh.

I'll let you get settled in.

I'll see you downstairs in 10?

-Great. -Okay. All right.

-Oh, my God. -(EXCLAIMS)

Excellent. Square room. One exit.

I'll keep her on night watch.

Fingers crossed for a little pillow talk.

(WHISPERING) Well no, cause she's on the row

so there won't be any pillow talk.

So?

You do know what pillow talk is?

(SCOFFS) Talking to your pillow.

Who talks to their pillow?

Yes. Yes.

I mean... I mean, who on earth would do something like that?

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

-(CLEARS THROAT) -Mm.

Er... Uh-huh.

(TYPING)

(MESSAGE NOTIFICATION TONE)

(INHALES SHARPLY)

(EXHALES)

Doesn't mention the kiss. No thanks to you.

Could've been Mikey No Job.

Then what besides...

No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Two kisses. That's a kiss more than my kiss.

What does that mean? Do I reply with three kisses?

I can't do no kisses after two kisses.

If I reply with three, does she reply with four?

Where does this end? You see what you've done?

Huh? You see, your actions have consequences.

Yeah, you walk around this house touching stuff, pushing stuff.

Fanny Button, how dare you!

I mean, I've had my dalliances, hasn't everyone?

Even I draw the line somewhere. (SNORTS)

I think the lady doth protest too much,

Oh, no, there. Those who say man who point finger...

PAT: Me? I've never even thought about it.

Well, I did have one dream,

but in my defence, she had your head.

-What? -Okay.

What about Thomas?

-ROBIN: Oh. -Where is he all of a sudden?

-Yeah. -(MUMBLING)

He's only got eyes for Alison.

No, no, no, no, no.

-(INDISTINCT ARGUING) -Huh?

(GASPS)

(ARGUING CONTINUES)

Did you miss me?

(FANNY GIGGLING)

(COOING)

JULIAN: It's not me. No way Jose.

Could be him. Could be the ape.

The ape?

Not a demon. It be no demon!

-What? -I did see Fanny

locked in a tryst.

She have herself a boy cock.

A fancy man.

-ROBIN: Ooh! -Ah, told you!

Well, who is it?

It be...

Humphrey.

ALL: Huh?

No, it's not.

Not that bit...

Huh?

-ALL: Huh? -(GROANS IN DISGUST)

-You see. -(ALL GASP)

-Mm. -It's complicated.

You're telling me?

(SIGHS)

Ah, changing for dinner?

Well, yeah, I'm trying to,

but, Thomas, we've spoken about this, okay?

-You can't be in here when I'm trying to... -Nice to make an effort

(SOFTLY) when one has guests.

Is she not around, Lucy? Hmm?

Oh, no, no.

I put her in the blue room.

Now if you don't mind. I'm actually trying to get ready for my evening.

So...

Thomas?

Hmm.

Look, I appreciate it.

-Maybe a little unorthodox. -HUMPHREY: Unorthodox?

It's not like you're courting my brother or something. That's me!

PAT: Okay, okay, okay. Let's not lose our heads.

-No offence. -(MEN CHUCKLE)

Fanny, is it not possible that you feel so drawn

to that bit of Humphrey

because he doesn't argue with, judge or upset you?

What, with him not having a head.

-He's got a head. -Yeah.

Look, you can think what you like.

I know how I feel.

I am in love with some of this man,

and I don't care who knows it.

Good for you, girl,

(MOBILE PHONE VIBRATING)

(DRUM ROLL)

Hmm, interesting.

Most interesting.

-(DRUM ROLL) -Oh!

(MUFFLED) Very interesting.

(SIGHS)

(TYPING)

You know what? Honesty is the best policy.

(SNICKERS) No, no.

Policy and honesty. Two very different things, mate.

MIKE: Kisses.

Just to clear up any confusion,

I want you to know there was a typo

in my previous email.

Huh. I want you...

Eh! (LAUGHS)

You son of a...

-(GRUNTS) -That's fun.

(SING-SONG) That's fun. It's fun, it's fun, it's fun.

-(GROWLS) -Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

Just a cheeky bit of fun.

It's office japes.

-Wait till she reads that. -(EMAIL NOTIFICATION)

(MIKE EXHALES NERVOUSLY)

"This is a wholly inappropriate

"use of corporate communications.

"This is now a matter that we will need to discuss

-"in person." -"In person."

Great.

You got me fired. I'm gonna get fired.

You happy now? Hmm?

I'm gonna get fired.

-Fired for that? -(GRUNTS)

God, whatever next.

-No bottom patting. -(GROWLING)

(SCOFFS) Honestly.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(IMPERCEPTIBLE)

(GASPS)

(BLOWS AIR)

Keeps happening.

LUCY: It's a sort of cafe cum art space, I suppose.

Well that's the plan anyway.

Coffee and paint, but not in the same cup.

(LAUGHS) Same cup.

That's, that's a really great idea. Yeah.

And perfect location.

Were you... were you born near there or...

Oh, no. No, heavens, no. (CHUCKLES)

And, I mean, it's just a small space.

I mean, compared to this.

-This is... -No it's not really.

Are you kidding?

Just look at the size of that cooker.

It's too hot or it's too cold. It's unreliable.

And it's unsafe, probably.

It's homely, though, isn't it?

It's like a real fire.

I like a real fire.

Oh, she's hot.

And sensitive.

Oh, yes.

Look at her with her perfect hair

and her shiny teeth.

And her flawless skin.

I far prefer you.

-Yeah. Cheers. -Mm.

HUMPHREY: If you'd have told me 400 years ago

that one day I'd be watching my decapitated body

having an affair with a 60-year-old dead woman,

I'd have said you were mad.

And that would be fair enough, mate.

She does look happy, though.

I've not seen Fanny like it.

She's right.

I mean, call me an old romantic,

but is it not possible that

there could be something in this?

Are you having a laugh?

I'm just saying, mate, you know,

some part of you,

well, most of you proportionally speaking,

feels quite content with the situation.

And likes it or not,

it'd be that bit which have the heart.

LUCY: I never really knew where I was with him.

He's a damn fool.

Probably put myself back out there.

Not getting any younger?

Ah, no.

Well, I mean, you're only...

-Twenty-one? -A hundred and eight?

What year were you born?

Dang, it's depressing.

I still feel like I'm 25.

Whereas of course, in fact, you are...

I'm holding up okay, I suppose.

-I've got Dad's skin. -Yeah.

-Looks like we both did. -(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

(HOARSELY) Alison. (CLEARS THROAT)

Eiderdown debrief. Corridor. Quick as you like.

I just... I gotta nip to the loo. Yeah.

I kept my dad's skin.

So here is briefing, Day 1.

The time is, erm...

Right, don't have a watch. Do you have the time?

-I... Okay. -It doesn't matter.

Present Alison Cooper and Captain...

-Great. Just great. -What is it?

It's my boss. She's here to fire me.

-What? Not because of... -Yep.

Forget what I said earlier.

Worst-case scenario, that's what will happen.

-Every time. -JULIAN: Oh, come along then.

ROBIN: I said no pushy.

-Going. -JULIAN: Don't mind me.

Just borrowing that.

(INDISTINCT)

Right. Do you want this briefing or not?

Er, yeah, yeah, yeah, I do.

-Yeah. What did you find? -Right.

Well, for starters, I discovered that

she carries, secreted about her person,

a field telephone.

Do you mean a mobile?

Precisely. But that's not all.

She has this bag.

Within that bag is a smaller bag,

and within that bag, a bag smaller still

that contains a stick of lipstick stick,

a tiny mirror and a comb.

(SIGHS) Okay, just to save us both a lot of time,

erm, is the gist of this that you didn't find out anything

about her of any consequence whatsoever.

(SCOFFS) Well, you wouldn't put it quite like that

in the intelligence community, but, er, well...

Great. Great. Great. Thank you.

Thank you so much for your help.

-You're very welcome. -Yeah.

Ah!

I see what you're doing.

Yeah, very clever.

I don't appreciate that tone, Alison.

Look, if I didn't find anything,

then there wasn't anything to find.

I can assure you, nothing gets past me.

Throughout the entirety of my military career,

not a single spy ever infiltrated my unit.

Or loads did and you just never found them.

Right. Okay, okay.

So looks like it's all up to me.

Well, I'm just gonna have to come out and ask her.

How the hell am I gonna do this?

-Jacqui. -Michael.

Now, before you say anything, can I firstly just apologize?

-I don't mean... -Michael, stop talking.

I feel the same way.

-What? -Come on.

No time like the present.

Right, the thing is, Lucy, is that

I need to know if you...

...like tea.

(STUTTERS) Would you like some tea?

-Because I've got a range. -Erm, yeah,

-if you're making one. -Right, that's it.

Enough petty fussing around, pussy.

-It's time for you to come clean, young lady. -The thing is,

-it's, well, it's... -Time to blow cover.

-If I could... -I'll be coming from the cold.

-The real question is... -Are you okay?

-(EXHALES) Yeah. -(SPEAKING GERMAN)

ALISON: Er, I'm just...

(IN ENGLISH) And feel free to answer

-in your native tongue. -I just need to...

KITTY: You tell her, Captain.

She's not welcome here.

How dare you insult this gentlewoman!

-Just one second. -THOMAS: No, no, I disagree.

(ALL ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)

It's more of like a legal question.

-More than these... -Alison, what's going on?

-(ARGUING CONTINUES) -Er...

No, no, I just thought I could just print them out,

and then I won't have to send them through.

Michael.

Mike, that can wait.

I think we should talk about us.

No.

Well, yes, actually, I think there's been some confusion,

so I just want to be absolutely clear.

-Erm... -(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

You've made yourself quite clear.

(CHUCKLES)

(ARGUING CONTINUES)

-All right! -(ARGUING STOPS)

(SMACKS LIPS)

The thing is,

so my solicitor has asked me,

advised me to confirm your identity

and any, well, intentions, er, with regards to...

Well, like, in terms of inheritance on the house.

What? I... I don't want your house.

What... How could you think that?

I... I don't want anything from you.

I found out I had a sister and I wanted that.

And I thought that you might want that.

No, I do. I just...

You know what? I think I was better off on my own.

No, Lucy, wait. I...

Lucy.

Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Your hand... I... I'm married.

Ooh, that's fine. So am I.

No, no, no. I'm... I'm happily married.

This was all just a misunderstanding.

Those emails, they were typos.

I've got this annoying, erm, keyboard,

and it cut out that line and it added the "X."

And this is really... It's not what I meant.

Really.

Not again.

I'm sorry. I thought you were coming here to fire me.

-I could fire you. -What?

God, I said that out loud. No, no, no, no, of course I wouldn't fire you.

Not after I do it. Do... Not that I did.

Don't tell HR.

Well, that took a turn.

Hang on, surely it's me that would...

Okay, okay, okay.

If you promise to keep this strictly between ourselves,

Here's what I can do for you.

I'm really sorry again.

Yeah. You said.

Are you sure that you won't stay?

Because we barely had pudding.

-Just stay. Pray stay. -LUCY: I think it's better

-if I just clear my head a bit. -Byron?

-Take some time, you know? -Ugh!

No, let her go.

I'm better off without her. No taste, no class.

Are you wearing lipstick?

(SIGHS)

Well, I mean, if you're sure, then...

-Are you sure? -I'm sure.

Sure, sure?

Call me.

I think you rather snafued the mission there, Alison.

Well, thanks and sorry.

Fired?

Promoted.

-What? -Long story.

(ALISON CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

I thought she was staying.

Long story.

Is it damson red?

-Yeah, yeah, it is. Yeah. -Beautiful.

Well, thanks.

Like two crimson rivers

-curling into a turf of delta. -ALISON: Oh, God.

(FANNY GIGGLING)

PAT: Knock, knock.

-Only me. -And me.

Er, look, Top of Humphrey,

I know you don't approve of...

Please, just let me speak.

Well, I can't pretend all this didn't take me by surprise.

But what I do know about love?

My marriage ended with me getting me head chopped off, so...

If some part of me likes some part of you,

then couldn't we all just give this a chance?

Oh, dear.

I don't know where we go from here.

If it's one thing I do know is that love...

-No. No, no. -Why?

That's ruined it for me.

Oh, and I don't know what I ever saw in him.

And to think I was... Oh!

That... Oh, out of my way!

She's back.

Well,

I guess it's just you and me... (GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

Fair enough.

CAPTAIN: Interesting day.

It's so easy to make assumptions about people

and then you find, well,

you don't really know them at all.

Half the time we don't even ourselves.

But I suppose that we all have our little secrets.

Well, good night, old thing.

(KISSES) Mm.

(EXHALES)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)