Original subtitles

(HEAVY BREATHING)

Alison?

(HEAVY BREATHING)

Alison?

(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

(MARY WHIMPERING)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING)

Help! Help! There'd be creatures in there.

Strange men with heads of flies.

(ALL LAUGHING)

-Oh, Mary. -We all knew they were coming today.

-But they scared me. -Everything scare you. Am I right?

Yeah, it's true. You'd be scared of a teddy bear if it spoke.

Actually that is quite scary, but you know what I mean. You're a scaredy-cat.

What be they?

Oh, they're just woodworm men.

Woodworm men?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

What are you all doing out here?

You don't have to stay out. Only me and Mike.

Did the woodworm men banish you?

Well, no. Yeah, they're, uh, they're fumigating.

Fumigating?

Yeah, it means we can't go back in because if we inhale their mist,

then we'll, I don't know, like, die or something?

(GASPING)

Look, you guys can go back in.

I've turned all the pages in your books and the chessboard is on the table.

-I shall miss you. -Okay.

-THOMAS: Terribly. -Thank you.

The TV's on the movie channel and Kitty, Grease is on at 4:00.

-I think you'll love it. -How lovely. What time is it now?

-Oh, 9:00 -Gosh! I'd better hurry.

Would be nice to have some peace and quiet for once

without Michael's popular music blasting on the speakers.

Hang on. Is that a tent?

Yeah.

You're going camping?

Yeah, we're camping here.

Oh goodness gracious!

You sleeping outside by choice?

Yeah, it would save us money. Plus it's fun.

It's fun until a wolf eats your eye.

-Hmm? -My cousin.

Yeah. Yeah, I always used to enjoy

a night under the canvas on manoeuvres and so on.

Bracing fresh air, camaraderie, horseplay in the lake, you know?

(DOOR SHUTS)

Okay.

Sure about this?

Uh, are you sure about this?

I'm just saying we could still get a hotel, if you prefer.

Yes! Hotel. Luxury, walls, windows, roof.

-ALISON: This will be fun -MIKE: Hmm.

-Mike's not very outdoorsy. -Huh? What's that?

I am outdoorsy, actually. Proper outdoorsy. Just so you know.

Why does he always talk to us as if we're up in the air?

You left Glastonbury to find a toilet.

This again. What about that wedding?

-That was camping. -That was clamping. The yurts were already put up.

We had a four poster bed and a minibar.

Yeah, outside. It's camping.

-He wouldn't last long in national service, would he? -BOTH: No.

I'd probably have to phone his mum, get her to pick him up in the middle of the night.

(ALL LAUGH)

-Yeah. -Having a laugh, are you, with your little dead mates?

Yeah, well, fine! You can have the last laugh.

MAN: Get into the corners, do it right, and then won't be back for ten years.

(MARY WHIMPERING)

Woodworm men, woodworm men, begone with your foulings then.

Not outdoorsy. I'll show you.

(CLATTERS)

Huh.

(EXHALES)

(SNORING)

Oh... You...

Oh, cryptic.

Eight letter, occupied anatomy.

Occupied anatomy?

What are you up to?

-Crossword. -JULIAN: Napping.

Well, good.

Make sure you keep the noise down. I'm reading.

-Busybody. -Oh, here we go.

Yes. I wondered how long it would take for you to resort to name calling.

Eight letter.

Occupied anatomy, busy body. Busybody.

Well, quiet.

Just make sure you keep it down.

-But here busybody. -(LAUGHS)

-Right? -Very good.

Now, as ranking officer, I suggest a full inventory before you start.

Patrick, at the double. Quick smart.

All right. (CLEARS THROAT)

Sleeping bag, sleeping mat, mallet, tent pegs.

I know. And what's that there?

Oh that's a puller. Yes, that's for the tent pegs.

-Yes, uh, yes, I knew that. Just checking. -Right

(CLEARS THROAT)

Camping in your own backyard.

I would have taken you to Paris, drink the finest wines

and marvel at the view from the steps of Monmouth.

-All right. -Where's the ground sheet?

-You're missing a ground sheet. -Oh, it's built-in.

Wow!

Fascinating modern age we live in.

What's that for?

What's that?

This is my tent.

That's your tent. We'll see who's outdoorsy.

-Oh. -Seriously?

-Seriously. -It's like 80 years old.

-Nothing but a number. -Fine vintage.

I'm pitching my tent over there.

ALISON: Okay, good luck.

Good luck to you. I don't need it.

ALISON: They do.

Don't you worry, Alison. You're going to win this competition hands down.

-With my expertise... -And mine.

And your ability to follow orders, then uh...

Oh, no. What am I gonna do now?

-Ah, yes. Well, I'm afraid without a strong main mast... -Ridge pole.

Uh, you're just left with the floppy flappy thing.

Fly sheet, and have you really put up a tent?

Or have you just ordered other people about?

-Because... -Ruba-duba-ruba-duba.

That's beside the point.

Without a strong and sturdy ridge pole, you'll never be able to get it up.

You'll have to admit defeat and join forces with Michael.

Nonsense.

There's more than one way to make a shelter,

and we've got plenty of useful kit.

Come on.

-Where are we going? -The woods.

-Ooh. -There's nowt sturdier than trees.

-Come on. -Okay. Pat.

Yes. Well, I suppose he does have some expertise in camping.

Good.

Sorry, I would help, but I physically can't.

ALISON: Yeah, I know, Thomas. Thank you.

MARY: Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!

Get out. Get out!

Get out! Get out! Get out!

Get out! Get out!

Well, it was worth a try, I suppose...

MAN: (ON TV) Stay with us on the family movie channel

because coming up at 4:00 we have the classic musical Grease.

And what are you up to, Kitty?

I'm going to watch Grease.

-You want to watch it with me? -Of course not.

Alison says I'll like it. It's starting in a few hours.

Not going to be running around the house singing or anything, are you?

No, Just watching.

All right. Well, don't turn it up.

-I can't. -Well, make sure you don't.

-I can't. -Well, good.

Good.

Good.

Right, you want the peg at an angle away from the centre.

-CAPTAIN: Ah. -Lovely. That's it, right.

-First class. -PAT: Moving on.

-Nice and tight round there. -Okay.

-Very good. -That's it.

That's marvellous.

-Get it under the... That's it. -Yeah.

Now, extra point for who can tell me what this knot is called.

Uh, well, that's a reef knot.

No, it's a clove hitch.

Damn it, and blast it to hell.

Okay.

That's it.

Pull it nice and firmly, Alison.

-CAPTAIN: Yes. -PAT: Yeah.

-Yeah. -Yes. There she goes.

Oh, wow.

-Lovely. Tie it off. -Yep.

CAPTAIN: Make sure she's tied nice and firmly.

PAT: Very good.

-Dead smart that, isn't it? -CAPTAIN: Yeah.

-Wonder how Mike's getting on. -Oh. I'm on it.

Hopeless.

What are you doing down there? He can't see you, mate.

Sorry, it's the old training kicking in, so...

How's he getting on?

No, he's hopeless.

PAT: Modern men, eh? CAPTAIN: Well, quite.

Alison's got this competition sewn up.

Quickly. Now, remember, we need nice, dry ones.

Um, like this one?

Yes. Excellent.

Well, there's got some good ones here, and over here, please.

Can anyone tell me why we use the small sticks first?

Uh, yes please. Well, they catch quicker.

The greater surface area allowing the oxygen to feed the flames.

Yes, Captain. Very good answer. Gold star.

Well, there we are.

Now that's excellent. That is first class.

Oh, yes. Here we go.

-Feed it, feed it. -Feed it, feed it.

Firm blows, Alison, firm blows.

MAN: (ON TV) Now on family movies, it's over to Rydell High

with the Pink Ladies and the T-Birds in the classic musical,

Grease.

At last!

ALISON: Hm.

This is the best bit, you know. Everything's up.

Fire's going, got your brew and got your biscuit.

You gonna dip it?

Yeah, okay.

Dip it again.

(SIGHS)

Lovely.

-Yeah. -Lovely that.

Yeah, this is nice actually.

You always make the best of a situation.

One of the many things I love about you.

But the truth is, a woman of your culture,

your sophistication, deserves to see the world.

You travelled a lot then?

Oh, have I?

I have. My grand tour you might call it.

Chasing the muse across Europe in search of inspiration.

Paris, Venice, Vienna. Different sights,

sounds and smells to inspire the bubbling cauldron of language

to paint the landscape with words.

What was Vienna like?

Really... Nice.

Nice? Hm.

Very... Nice.

You got fire?

Yeah. How you getting on?

Good. Actually, I, uh, I'm gonna do my fire next.

-Oh. -Just came to make sure you're all right.

-She's fine. -Yeah. Great.

-Cool. -Thank you.

-No worries. -You okay?

-Yep. -Good.

-See ya. -Uh, watch out for the, uh...

-(GASPS) -Yeah.

Saw it.

He didn't.

Can you stop?

I can't enjoy them if you're looking at me like that.

MARY: You are not welcome here.

Begone, you servants of Beelzebub.

KITTY: Oh, Mary, you simply must watch Grease with me.

All the boys have wet hair and they sing about their cars.

Mary!

(JULIAN SIGHS)

Well, let's see if we can find something a bit more adult, shall we?

(CHUCKLING)

(GRUNTS)

(COMMENTARY ON TV)

(GRUNTS)

Ugh.

(GRUNTS) Ha-ha. Oh.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

-(EXHALES) -MAN: (ON TV) Now, we return...

-Never any fun around here. -...to a Nightmare on Elm Street.

KITTY: Don't worry, I'll tell you the whole story later.

WOMAN: (ON TV) It was the worst...

-Oh. -...dream I've ever had.

Danny's changed his hair.

PAT: How's the competition doing?

Well, he's trying to light the firewood without tinder or kindling.

Oh, very good, Captain.

I hope he likes the cold because he's going to be cold.

(LAUGHS) Oh, dear.

Oh, I could blow that over and I've got asthma.

And I'm dead.

Yes.

FANNY: Just about had enough of all this.

Oh, can't bear it.

Oh, for goodness sake, fallen off your body again, have you?

I suppose you want me to put you back.

I've got better things to do, you know, than traipse around the...

(HUMPHREY SNORING)

Good.

Thank God for that.

(HUMMING)

-ROBIN: Willy-shaped dude. -JULIAN: Bishop.

He goes to take lighthouse.

MARY: Shoo! Evil creatures, begone.

Get out. Get out.

Shoo!

(MARY EXCLAIMS)

They shed their skin like serpents.

(BOTH LAUGH)

That showed you. I'm not a scaredy cat.

Off you go. Stupid, scaring us. (SIGHS)

But what if they return?

Oh.

-(GASPS) -(SCREAMING ON TV)

Let no servants of Satan prey on people who live in this house.

May this house be sturdy from the woodworm men.

Let no demons cross these walls.

Let no servants of Satan prey on people who live in this house.

-(SCREAMING ON TV) -(GASPS)

Ah.

(GASPS)

(KITTY SCREAMING)

Right.

Come on.

Ah!

(GRUMBLING)

(KITTY SCREAMING)

Wonder what got her goat.

Probably, just scared of the dark.

Suppose we ought to investigate.

Yeah?

I know it was too much to ask that you quietly...

Kitty? Where...

How peculiar. Kitty?

(JULIAN CLEARS THROAT)

JULIAN: Hello?

ROBIN: Anybody there?

Although, I mean there's no need to go all the way to...

-What's the point of going all the way up there? -Something silly.

Maybe we should go and see the others together.

BOTH: Let's go together.

-Spaghetti napolitana? -From a tin.

What a fascinating modern age we live in.

Italian food didn't always agree with me.

Oh, did you say you went to Venice?

Indeed.

What was it like? I always wanted to go.

Oh. Very... Nice.

Nice. Again.

Nothing more specific.

Well, you have to remember. It was 200 years ago.

I can't remember every single detail.

Sounds like you can't remember any details.

Fine. I'll tell you the truth.

You didn't go.

No, I did. I did go.

I saw the most celebrated sights of Europe.

I just wasn't inspired.

No matter how beautiful the landscape, nothing came.

I returned home with an empty notebook.

You must have got something from it.

(LOUD FLATULENCE)

MAN: Signore.

THOMAS: Sorry. Un momento, per favore.

MAN: Signore.

Carol always wanted to go to France.

I said you don't need to go abroad to have a nice holiday.

-We haven't seen half of this beautiful country yet. -Yeah.

PAT: But she had her heart set on it.

So, I decided to book it for our anniversary.

-That's lovely. -PAT: Yeah.

We didn't go in the end.

-Oh, no, why? -Because I was dead, Alison. I was dead.

Right.

Here you all are. Thank goodness.

The lights went out in the house.

Oh. That's strange.

KITTY: Yes. And the TV turned off.

Oh, sorry, Kitty.

That's okay. I wasn't much enjoying it anyway.

Oh, I thought you'd really like it.

High school romance.

Yes, but I didn't like the man chasing the girl.

Well, he's the man of her dreams.

Yes, and he won't stop until he gets her.

That's what being in love is like.

You should wait till the end.

Because then she starts chasing him.

Does she? I hope she gets him.

Then we can all sleep again.

ROBIN: Hey, everybody.

-How is it hanging? -Oh, look, hi, guys.

There she is, Robin, she's right there, so she's okay.

Ah. We heard you screaming, Kitty.

Just wanted to make sure you're okay.

-ROBIN: Yeah. -I'm fine. Thank you.

Yeah.

So you can go back in now if you like.

-We're here now, by the fire. -Um... It's okay. Cosy wosy.

Sorry. I thought you said camping was a stupid idea, Robin.

Don't think so. Must be another caveman.

Oh.

(BIRD HOOTS)

It's creepy in the woods at night, isn't it?

-No, I really love it. -Is it?

Hey, since we're all around the campfire, we should tell ghost stories.

-Good idea, yeah. -I would embrace that.

(LAUGHING)

What's the matter, Alison?

Oh come on. You're ghosts.

What? So we can't tell ghost stories?

Well, no. I'm not...

Oh, yeah, Yeah, go on, Pat.

Right.

Well, this one's actually a true story actually.

It's about my friend, Susan.

Susan and I used to walk home together from school.

She didn't have a dad, and her mum used to work late sometimes.

So she used to have to let herself in.

She had this little game she played with her doggy,

you know, to let him know that it was her when she got home.

She'd stick her hand in the letterbox and he'd give it a lick, you know.

(BURBLING)

Well, one day...

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

(HORN HONKING)

Here you go, mate.

-Nice one. Cheers, mate. -Okay.

(BIKE STARTS)

She slowly crept up the stairs, all the while she could hear it.

Scratch.

Scratch.

Scratch.

She felt cold suddenly.

She reached out her hand and the door creaked open.

And there it was, a figure, standing, facing the wall.

Slowly, very slowly it began to turn towards her until

she could finally see it's face.

-It wasn't a... -MARY: Alison.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Mary, you gave us a fright.

Well, the woodworm men have gone and I've blessed the house.

Oh, thank you.

Thanks, Mary. That's great.

Uh... Where they've gone?

Oh, yeah.

Uh. Robin!

Julian!

Robin where are you?

-Robin! -Julian!

Julian!

Where are you, Robin?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

ALISON: Good night then, guys.

-Good night. -Good night.

I'm not comfortable, Patrick. Are you comfortable?

I don't mind swapping with you.

I'm all settled in now, mate.

Can we talk some more, please?

I don't want to go to sleep.

Kitty, please. We can't stay up all night.

-But if I dream, then... -Just try to imagine

the man from the film wrapping you up in his arms.

PAT: Daley used to have nightmares.

Used to try and get in bed with me and Carol. Walked in on us once when we were...

Guys. Can we just... Can we... Can we go to sleep, please?

-Just... Just no more talking. -All right.

(WHISPERING) What happened to Susan, Patrick?

PAT: She was never seen again.

She moved to Leeds.

CAPTAIN: Huh.

We had a chap from Leeds in our unit.

Or was it Halifax?

(WHISPERING) Who is Susan?

Oh, Patrick will tell you the story.

Oh, yes. Well... (CLEARS THROAT)

This one's a true story, actually.

-Right -Happened to a friend of mine.

Susan. We used to walk after school together.

She didn't have a dad and her mum used to work late sometimes,

so she had this little game she played with her doggy.

Hmm. Who's that?

Just getting in.

Oh.

Move up. Thanks.

-Well done. -Really?

-You win. -No. Yours is way better.

Mmm-mmm. Disqualified. I had help.

Mr. Outdoorsy.

(TENSE MUSIC NOTE SOARS)

It's all my fault.

I pretended we were fine and now I'm scared of everything.

I don't want to die out here. I mean, I have already, but...

Wait, when I was alive, was much to be scared of,

but I know what make feel safe. Come on.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

PAT: Carol, Carol.

ALISON: Oh, Kitty.

You've been awake all night?

I was scared the man from Grease would get me in my dreams.

-Danny Zuko. -The other man.

-Kenickie? -Freddie.

-Freddie? -Freddie Krueger.

Oh, no.

I think I know what happened.

Lovely, isn't it?

-It is. -Hm.

I was just thinking it ought to be dull and commonplace.

Same sunrise over the same house, in the same tiny piece of England.

Every day for 200 years.

-But it is beautiful. -Hmm.

I travelled miles and was unchanged when I could have been here and transported.

It's no fault of the sun if the eye sees not its beauty.

That was really poetic, Thomas.

The sun, the sun,

you rise when night is done

like a big yellow bun.

Yeah.

Come, sweet sun.

Let us have fun.

Must weigh a tonne.

Um, Alison, just a moment.

You have been exemplary.

Oh.

And so, I'd like to present you, if I could, with your Camping,

Forester and Fire Safety badges.

Congratulations.

Oh, thank you, Pat.

Oh, and Captain.

-What, me? -Yes.

You have shown a wonderful attitude, enthusiasm, and a keen interest.

And so, I present to you the Teamwork award.

-Oh. -Congratulations.

It's a very high honour.

Come on.

ALISON: Oh, that's where you got to last night.

What were you doing in there?

They were scared, Alison.

We were not scared. We just wanted to some camping.

You know, Robin style, in the cave.

You don't want the rain coming.

In the cave there, you see.

-(BELL TOLLING) -(FANNY SCREAMING)

MARY: Scaredy cats.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Morning, Lady B. You okay?

ALISON: Julian, did you change the channel on the TV?

Because Kitty saw something adult.

Kitty? What's the code?

FANNY: Good morning, everyone.

Back from your little adventure, are we?

And what's on the agenda today?

Food club visit or what I'd wear if I could today.

Ah, can we not forgo?

We're all a bit tired, Fanny.

Bed, at this time?

Never have I known such a feckless bunch of good-for-nothings.

Hmm, that's better.

Oh, Alison, don't forget the boiler man's coming at 2:00.

(GASPS) The boiler man?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)