Original subtitles

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(HORSE NEIGHS)

Whether Elizabeth's spies knew about the letter

is still a matter of much conjecture.

Hello. Where has she been hiding?

She's not dead, Julian.

Good ones never are.

It's just a costume.

They're making a documentary, history's greatest plots.

Apparently, there was a coup planned here back in the day.

Hey, look, that wasn't a coup per se,

that was an informal discussion with some parliamentary colleagues

about Maggie's leadership style, you know.

She's not talking about the '80s, mate. Look at her.

Then what plot she talk about? (ENUNCIATES) About.

Don't know, it's just what they told us.

I thought you might know.

It's possible Elizabeth's forces simply happened upon the plotters.

-(INSECT BUZZING) -(SCREAMS)

(ALL LAUGHING)

One for the bloopers.

...Elizabeth's forces simply happened upon the plotters.

What?

You know, I don't think I've ever seen you laugh.

No.

Well, I asked the producer if they'll name-check the house

and he just stared at me blankly.

-So... -That's the producer over there, Mike.

Oh, well, then I asked some guy.

Er, do you mind? Some of us are trying to learn something here.

Regarded by many as a martyr, a mastermind, a hero.

And perhaps the most important person ever to have walked these grounds.

Is it me? Sounds like me.

Which is why the history books echo with the name Sir Humphrey Bone.

-(CLICKS TONGUE) -Oh.

Heavens. Why, I think she means--

(DRAMATIC MUSIC SOARS)

(ALL GRUMBLING)

It's fallen off again!

Head, Humphrey. Where is it?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

ZARA: It's just such an incredible place.

-Can almost hear the history echo from the walls. -Yeah, it's almost like--

-(INDISTINCT CHATTER) -Shut up!

And there's the Stuart facade and the Dutch gable.

-And those-- -High end B and B in the gatehouse.

Opens next spring.

Tell your friends. We could probably do a guest--

We're really, really lucky to have found, well, been given, this place.

Actually, we did wonder

if you'd be up for talking about your family connection to the house.

-On camera. -Who? Me?

(SPUTTERING) I've never been on camera.

Well, have a think about it.

-Yeah. -(SCOFFS) She'll think about it.

-You mad? -Context?

The interview. To make the gatehouse a guesthouse,

we need ghosts. Guests.

And this is free publicity.

-So-- -No, forget it. I'm not going on telly.

Why? What are you so scared off?

Going on telly.

Oh, you'd be great.

-No. -Camera would love you.

MIKE: Just tell your story. Name-drop the house and,

oh, you could wear a top with our logo on it.

We don't have a top with our logo on it.

-Hmm. -We don't have a logo.

I'll call Obi, he'll do us a great logo.

Oh, bad moon on the rise.

Dust covers dawn.

Birds fall, crop fail.

Something wicked this way come.

(DOG BARKING)

Oh, that explains it.

Anybody home? Ah, Annabelle.

-Alison. -(BOTH) Alison.

-Was hoping I'd catch you. -Humphrey.

-Humphrey. -Humphrey?

-Humphrey. -Humphrey?

Humphrey.

-Humphrey. -I'm just saying, personally speaking,

I can't remember ever seeing you properly laugh.

That's absolute nonsense. I laugh all the time.

Why, only the other evening,

Fanny and I were in stitches while recalling the satirical skewering

of socio-political institutions in the Mikado.

-Isn't that right, Fanny? -Mmm?

-The Mikado. -Oh, hilarious skewering

of socio-political institutions.

-Hysterical. -Side splitting.

-Riotous. I concur. -Agreed.

So, I hope that puts this matter to rest.

Carry on. (CLEARS THROAT)

-Humphrey? Humphrey? -Head? Humphrey?

Neither of you laugh.

-Found it. -Him.

Him. Sorry.

You didn't tell us you were famous.

Am I? Ooh, that's nice. Am I a painter?

She means the plot, mate. The Catholic plot.

Oh, that.

You always said your death was just a misunderstanding.

In a way, yeah. Certainly wasn't, um, straightforward.

MARY: What? One chop.

Well, it sounds pretty straightforward to me,

but then, I was burned alive, so--

CAPTAIN: All right, now, steady on, Mary.

-Steady. Steady. -Well.

I mean, more, that the circumstances were complicated.

I could tell you about it if you like.

-Yeah. -Well, if you wouldn't mind.

-We've got all day. -Yeah.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

-(ROOSTER CAWING IN DISTANCE) -Yum.

Oh. Thank you.

Bon matin.

Sleep well, er, d ormir, er, bon?

It gets quite draughty down your end of the, um--

Don't be a... Be a...

(SIGHS)

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

Um, I was just wondering if there might be

something you might fancy doing.

Not with me. Not with me. (CHUCKLING)

Like, um, I meant more for you.

-Like a hobby. -(SPEAKS FRENCH)

Something that might make you a bit more, um, joyeux?

The-- A tapestry, maybe.

Or you could learn some English or there's archery.

Or you could learn a bit of English.

It doesn't matter, actually.

Livre.

Me leave? I live here.

Livre.

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

Oh, er, like a reading group.

Yeah, great idea.

You could use the chartroom up in my end if you wanted.

And maybe in winter, you could learn a bit of English.

(IN ENGLISH) It is ugly language.

It is an ugly language.

But, yes, well done, very good.

(DOOR OPENING)

KITTY: Humphrey?

Humphrey?

Humphrey?

HUMPHREY: Sorry.

It's not someone I've thought about in a very long time.

What about jokes? Do you like jokes?

I don't think we ever lent you a champagne bucket.

'Cause, well, we don't own a champagne bucket.

Well, you do now. Oh, a film crew. How surprising.

I'm surprised that, now I think of it,

I do remember Jan from the shop

mentioning something about a documentary, was it?

-Oh. -Lucky I dropped by.

I do feel lucky.

I imagine they could use a little local knowledge.

Fill in the gaps in their research.

I'm not sure that you care what I say.

-Or know my name. -BARCLAY: Hello, there.

Barclay Beg-Chetwynde, local land owner slash historian.

(SIGHS) He hasn't changed, has he?

Arrogant, sleazy, and entirely self-serving.

Can you believe I used to associate with that type. (SNORTS)

So, I've done a lot of-- (GROANS)

(EXCLAIMS) Hello.

See that? I spy harry heart attack.

Those three-bottle lunches finally catching up with him, eh?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, no. Alison.

You have to get him out of here right now.

-What are you talking about? -Barclay.

He's on the verge of a heart attack.

Trust me, I know the signs.

What if he can't sit right there and doesn't move on?

We could be stuck with him forever.

I think you're getting a bit carried away.

Which means you could be stuck with him, too.

ROBIN: Every day.

For the rest of your life.

ALISON: Oh, no.

Lovely strip of land at the end of the drive there once belonged to me.

(GROANS)

-OBI: No way. -MIKE: Okay.

What about 4:30? Could you do it by 4:30?

It's not about the deadline.

I'm just not doing black text on a white T-shirt.

-I'm an artiste. -What?

Would you ask Michelangelo to touch up your skirting boards?

Depends on his prices.

-And if he could do it by 4:30. -Here's what I'll do.

Custom vector logo.

Three-colour digi print, on a high-weave cotton blend.

Oh, sounds great. Thanks, man. I owe you one.

And you'll credit me on air, right?

I mean, if they ask about the top.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

They'll ask about the top. That's a fact.

And the priest says, "I know. That's why I painted it gold."

That is offensive to at least five different religions.

There are only three in it.

Give over. It's just a harmless bit of fun.

You haven't heard me jumbo jet joke yet.

There's a nun, a gorilla and a paedo--

Do you mind? I'm baring my soul here.

Yeah, you're making this very slow and painful.

-Unlike his execution. -Oh.

Yeah, where was I?

Oh, yeah. Book club.

Bonjour. Good to see you. Bonjour again.

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

Well, happy reading.

What book is it this week?

Um, quel livre?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Well, don't tell me how it ends.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Moi, joyeuse.

(IN ENGLISH) Thank you.

You're welcome.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Well, don't just stand there. We have much to do.

We've received word from Queen Mary.

She approves of your plan, but only if we can act quickly.

There are spies everywhere.

We cannot delay.

Then Monday it is.

We get Elizabeth on her way to chapel.

By this time next week,

the true queen will sit on the throne.

Death to Queen Bess.

ALL: Death to Queen Bess.

What about him?

-He knows nothing. -Famously.

(ALL LAUGHING)

He is a good man.

(MAN CLEARS THROAT)

So, the plan is to conceal our place here.

BARCLAY: Well, fancy that.

Young filly there seems to think I might have some useful insights.

Her words, not mine.

Well, mine, but she nodded.

Wants to get me on camera.

And you're not, like, nervous about--

(EXCLAIMING HOARSELY)

What I, What I mean by that--

Tell the old guff to go and die in his own property.

-Got enough of this. -Are you okay?

Me? Yes. Fit as a fiddle.

In fact, I'm on a bit of a health kick.

After 20 years of no exercise whatsoever,

I've just taken up squash.

-Yeah, that'll do it. -What is squash?

So, we've got a few more shots to grab in the Rose Garden

and then we'll be back to do the interviews.

-If you're both happy and-- -Marvellous.

-Yeah. -I'll go and rehearse.

There's no need to prepare anything. Really.

Best to keep it natural.

-Conversational. -Of course. Of course. Amateur. (GROANS)

You have got to get him out of here.

I meant to say, Zara, there's a stunning view of the house,

um, from just, just past that fence.

I thought it might make a nice background for Barclay's interview.

Okay, I'll take a look.

Yeah, just past the fence.

-Just outside the ground. -Outside.

-Outside. -Outside.

Did you say outside?

Yeah, I think she got it.

Barclay Beg-Chetwynde, local historian.

A friend of the house.

Barclay Beg-Chetwynde, Button House spokesmen.

What's he doing here? Chetbegwynde.

Beg-Chetwynde. He just appeared like posh Batman.

Well, he's in there saying he's our spokesman.

Yeah, well, he spoke to Zara and they want to film a bit with him now.

-What? -Yeah.

Can't let him speak for us. You've got to do the interview.

Well, pile on the pressure.

No. It's just I know that you could do it.

-(SIGHS) -You're the face of Button House.

Because you know what you've got?

Inner strength?

I was going to say a branded sweatshirt coming, but inner strength.

-Okay. -Yeah?

Love you.

THOMAS: Is it your oral skills?

-Excuse me? -That worry you about the interview.

I just don't want to be on camera.

-It's public speaking. -I understand entirely.

I remember my first confabulation on Button FM.

(CHUCKLING) Stammering like a chicken-hearted clown.

But I found my voice, Alison.

And I can help you find yours.

Okay?

Okay.

How dare you!

I'll have you know I've got my entertainer's badge.

Just hadn't sewn it on yet.

The same with my sewing badge.

I'm simply saying that the reason you so rarely

see us reduced to fits of hysteria

is because in present company we're seldom given cause.

All right then, why don't you make us all laugh?

-Show us how it's done. -I'll handle this, Fanny.

-Right, now. -I just remember thinking,

"Well, it must be a pretty good book 'cause they've been in there for ages."

Farewell. Bonsoir. Er, bon--

See you all. Take care.

(HUMMING)

(GRUNTS)

Oh, someone forgot their-- Oh.

(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, no.

The butler burned the butter, but the bacon bore the brunt.

The butler burned the butter, but the bacon bore the brunt.

The butler burned the butter, but the bacon bore the brunt.

The butler burned the butter, but the bacon--

Something amusing?

Sorry. It's just, it's hard to think of you in a sort of,

well, teacher role.

Ah, I see, because of the frisson.

-The frisson? -The frisson.

Between us.

I know it is difficult, Alison,

but while you are under my tutelage,

you really must pretend there is no frisson.

Thomas, there is no frisson.

(CHUCKLES)

That's the spirit.

-(SCOFFS) -Now then, your turn.

The butler, the butler burned, the butler burned the butter and the butter--

-Butler. -The butler burned the butter.

-What's a butler? Big "but". -Big "but".

(BOTH BLOWING RASPBERRIES)

-Welcome to Button House. -I know it feels strange, but--

Shaking everything (BURBLING)

THOMAS: I am a confident and beautiful young woman.

ALISON: I am a confident woman.

-And I deserve to be on television. -Welcome to Button House.

We're not a seagull. Remember--

Thomas is terrific and I wish we were betrothed.

Thomas is terrific and I wish we were--

-No. -It's just an exercise.

I can do something else.

CAPTAIN: And the quartermaster says, "You may have paid the bill,

"but I'm still the pate familias."

-Because he's had the pate. Do you see? -The pate.

-FANNY: Very clever. -She didn't laugh.

You didn't laugh, nobody laughed.

Yes. Long fancy words don't make something funny.

I find I often laugh most at the simplest things.

-Duly noted. -Like someone else laughing.

Oh, yes. Laughter is contagious.

What? Oh, no.

Oh, no, no. Not in a bad way, Kitty. No.

Just that laughter breeds more laughter.

-That's preposterous. -Balderdash!

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHTER INCREASES)

(MOBILE RINGING)

-What's up? -OBI: About this top,

-I've been looking-- -Haven't you done it yet?

Impact-wise. We could wrap the text around the trunk.

I don't care if you potato print it on a bin bag.

As long as it says Button House and it's here by 4:30pm, yeah?

All right, all right, I'm on it.

This sweater is my Sistine Chapel roof.

-Ceiling. -Is it? Good.

Because I just googled the roof and I weren't blown away.

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I say, I--

(LAUGHTER FADES)

Anyway, where was I?

You were about to die.

-Oh, yeah. -If you can call that dying.

(DOOR CREAKING)

What have you done?

MAN 1: Halt. Her Majesty's guards.

We have to go.

-Go? What? -You want to live? We must go.

MAN 2: Who do you think you are?

Humphrey.

I'll hold them off as long as I can.

What?

This isn't the life you signed up for.

-(BANGING ON DOOR) -Go. Have another one.

Well, go!

MAN 3: In the name of Her Majesty, open this door.

MAN 4: Show yourself.

(MEN SHOUTING)

MAN 5: Open up!

Keep going!

WOMAN: Beheaded on the spot for high treason,

so heinous was his crime.

Mary's orders still in his hand.

Sir Humphrey Bone,

mastermind of the Bone Plot.

And martyr to it.

(BREATH TREMBLES)

-At least, that's how-- -(CAPTAIN CLEARS THROAT)

For valiance.

-Yes. -Quite right.

Well said, that man.

Fair dos. I say fair dos.

It's a horrible way to go.

MARY: Easy for you to say, isn't it?

Barely even feels an arrow.

You what? Have you ever had a--

We should tell Alison what we've learned.

-Yes. -KITTY: And she can tell the television people.

Oh.

(GRUNTS)

HUMPHREY: This isn't the life you signed up for. Go!

MAN 1: In the name of Her Majesty, open this door.

MAN 2: Harder.

MAN 1: Open this door.

(BANGING ON DOOR CONTINUES)

What am I doing?

(GRUNTS)

Ah, yes, yes. (GRUNTS)

You son of a--

(INDISTINCT)

Yeah.

Her Majesty's guards. Show yourself.

(DOOR OPENING)

No sign of him, sir.

Why is it always bad news with you?

-It's not always. -Never, "I found him. He's through here"

MAN 1: I found that priest hole once.

MAN 2: There was no priest there. That's just a hole.

-God, I love this house. -(CLANGING)

(SWORD SWISHES)

(SWORDS CREAKING)

Whoopsie-daisy.

-I might say I did that. -I would.

See, this is why I won't have swords in the house.

-Yeah. -Well, you've got kids, haven't you?

-Bad day? -(SCREAMS)

Hi. Well, I think we're almost ready to do the interviews, if you--

Yeah, about that, I don't know what Mr Beg-Chetwynde told you,

but he's not actually anything to do with Button House.

He's just a, sort of, I mean, local weirdo.

Actually, that's not fair. No, that is fair.

So, yeah, we'd rather he wasn't associated with the house,

because, to be honest, I'm worried about how he comes across on TV.

Okay.

It's just that I got the impression

your wife wasn't all that keen to do an interview.

Are you kidding? She can't wait.

I'm telling you, she's a natural.

Er--

-So, the house is, um-- -THOMAS: Um.

-Like, my connection, um-- -Um?

-To the family, um-- -Um, um, um.

-You see, if we can-- -You ready? You're up next.

-What, now? I'm not ready. -We need more time, damn you.

Can't Barclay go first?

No, he's been canned.

Apparently, an anonymous source told them what he's like.

-And they were, like-- -Mike?

What? He's bad PR you know it.

(SIGHS) How did he take it?

-Erm-- -"Erm." They're all at it.

Give me five minutes and I'll let you know. Wish me luck.

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'll do it. We need to be gentle with him

and then we need to get him out of here real quick.

-(CAR HORN HONKING) -Obi.

Oh, we're finished here, are we?

Hey, see. It's a masterpiece.

-Yeah. -Yeah, give it to me.

-And why are you wearing it? -'Cause it looks sick.

Right. Er, we're ready for Alison.

Just up by the fence there.

-Fence? What fence? -Just up by the--

She thought the view was quite good.

No, no, no, I mean, there's much better spots near the house,

like, er, by the sign, so you can see the house,

by the sign.

It's, just, we're all set up over there now.

But, but, maybe we'll come and grab something here a bit later.

I'm thrilled to fill in a tiny part of its rich and varied history.

Yes, that'll do it. Right.

Once more. Get it in the old memory.

Oh, God, is he still here?

-Hello, there. -What? Me?

May I just say what an honour it is

to be joining you here in this wonderful house.

Oh, God. No.

I'm thrilled to fill in a tiny part

of its rich and varied history.

It's happened.

Alison!

BARCLAY: Ah, perfect.

Er, knock, knock. Hi. How are you?

-How are you? -Yes, fine. Raring to go. (WINCES)

Ah, right.

It's just-- Do you want to sit down?

-No. -Really? Okay.

The thing is, talking again to the documentary guys,

it seems now they want to focus more on people

who actually lived, live, in the house.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, dear.

So, I wore a new shirt for nothing.

Been bally baking in it all day.

And talk about itchy.

Well, that explains it.

Yes, it does.

Er, that's much better.

Yeah.

Oh.

Breathe, but don't gasp and don't gabble.

No "ums" and "ahs". If you need to pause,

pause, but don't show you're pausing.

Look, I know that you mean well,

but it's me they want to talk to.

Not some dropout from the Thomas Thorne finishing school.

So will you please just stop talking

and accept you're better poet than you are a teacher

and that is really saying something.

Confident, eloquent, composed.

My work here is done.

-Damn your eyes. -You're welcome.

Mmm.

ALISON: It was inherited through my dad's side,

but he died when I was young

and my mum passed away more recently.

So, with no living relatives, the house has become a kind of link

to my ancestors through the ages.

It's like having family all around me.

ZARA: And can you give us any more information about the house?

Now, could you smile,

-but with your voice. -Say Button House.

JULIAN: Alison!

ZARA: ...building itself is every bit as fascinating as your journey--

I warned you. I did warn you.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

(WHISPERING) Pull the top down.

THOMAS: You're doing very well.

Try not to hesitate.

I warned you. Alison!

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER STOPS)

-ZARA: Alison? -(SPUTTERS)

ZARA: (ON TV) Literally a phone call saying you now own this house.

ALISON: (ON TV) It was inherited through my dad's side,

but he died when I was young

and my mum passed away more recently.

So, with no living relatives,

the house has become a kind of link.

Ah, can't see the logo, lose the thing.

Lose the thing.

It's like having family all around me.

ALL: Aw.

I think this is where I--

Well, the brick, the brick frontage,

is-- well, was a brick frontage...

Yeah.

...that was added to what was a Tudor house.

FANNY: What does that say?

What is a "butt ho"?

Are you the butt ho?

It was brick. It had a brick facade.

-Oh. Obi. -Oh, my--

(CLEARS THROAT)

...what we now see, now, on Button House.

Well, thanks, everyone.

But there's much more to this place than just structural issues.

(ALL BOOING)

For one thing, it's haunted.

And I'm turning it off.

-No, no. -Oh, hang on a sec.

I think this is my cameo.

Ooh.

JULIAN: Watch the vase.

-Wait for it. There. -This house has changed much in the last 400 years.

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHATTERING)

-Can I have your autograph? -Oh, you got a pen?

But one thing's for certain, when it came to the Catholic cause,

Sir Humphrey Bone was a man prepared

to stick his neck out.

(BOTH LAUGHING IN SHORT BURSTS)

Oh, very good.

Neck? Seriously?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)