Original subtitles

- Welcome back. We'll cross live now to Toby.

Toby, what can we expect to see at this year's Toothbrush Nationals?

- Well, Lou, the fans � I don't know if you can hear them � but they are absolutely out in force here today

at the speed brushing decay-thalon.

We've got John here.

We've got Susie, who was actually last year's winner.

I, for one, can't wait to see who will take out this year's big plaque.

The award, that is. Not the sticky bacteria deposit.

- Thank you, Toby.

Now it's time for a special surprise for one of our Morning Glory team.

Where's Billy? Our charismatic and fearless leader � where are you?

Ah! There you are. Come on up.

Come on. Come and sit on down.

It's time for everyone at home to meet the man that really wears the pants around here. (LAUGHS)

- Oh man. This is like watching a 90-year-old merge onto the motorway.

You know it's gonna go bad. You just gotta keep looking.

- Don't you think it's too early for popcorn?

- Never too early for redemption popcorn, darling.

Put some in there.

More.

More. - (GIGGLES) - More.

More.

That's probably enough.

- # With no doubt in my mind,

# I'm right where I wanna be. #

- Billy,

as the audience are aware, our beloved Vince Walters was dumped by this very network

after an unfortunate incident at the children's hospital recently. - Uh, yes. Um...

We made the tough but moral decision to part ways, and we want to thank Vince for all his years of service

and... and wish him all the best for the future.

- He bought the company into disrepute and breached a clause in his contract, if I'm not mistaken.

- Uh� (CLEARS THROAT) Yes, unfortunately he� he did.

- Would you say he misrepresented the network? - Uh� Yeah� I guess.

- Catch the fish, Lou. Catch the fish.

- Well, we'll know she could have caught him by now. It's an interrogation technique.

He doesn't know what's coming next.

Waterboarding, sleep deprivation to the point of hallucination. It could be anything.

- Could be, apart from any of those things you just named. - Mm.

- (LAUGHS) Nah, all this is water under the bridge, Lou-Lou. You know this.

And the great thing about this network is our ability to pivot.

- Fancy footwork, Billy boy. - What are you doing? - My job.

I would like to reunite you with a special someone. - Vince better not be coming on.

- Bethanae and Brayden, come on out.

- (CHUCKLES)

She has him shaking in his Italian loafers.

- It's been a while since you and Bethanae chatted.

It must be lovely to see each other again.

- Hey, Billy. I'm sorry. Have we met?

- Just to bring everyone at home up to speed,

Bethanae and her son Brayden have been through quite an ordeal. Would you like to share your story with us?

- Um, yeah. Hey, y'all. I'm Bethanae. Also known as @CancerMum.

So, this is my son Brayden, who has been through his own special cancer journey.

- OK, uh... I think we've heard enough. - I think we're just beginning.

Please continue, Bethanae.

- So, years ago I was on this show, called 'Has New Zealand Got Any Talent?'

but I was brutally eliminated before my time on the show, but that's a whole other tragic story.

Anyway, years later, this, like, creepy-but-in-a-hot-way guy Billy shows up on my door,

and says that the TV station are doing this cash for cancer kids thing.

He made me and Brayden go along and pull down Vince Walters' pants, live on television,

in front of all the nurses and sick kids so they could see his dangly bits.

And he said if we didn't do it, he would share some...

potentially incriminating information about myself and Brayden.

- I think they call that blackmail.

- OK, let's not make this a racial thing. It's already bad enough as it is.

- She signed an NDA, and you're done for.

- I think if anyone's done for, it's you.

What would you like to say to Vince Walters?

Billy! What would you like to say to the board after masterminding Vince's demise? Billy.

- BOTH CHANT: Suck it, Pants Man! - CHANTS: Suck it, Pants Man! What, what.

- Billy. (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

It seems that's as far as this camera cable will stretch, unfortunately.

But we will keep you up to date with this story as it unfolds.

And we will not rest until the truth has been uncovered in this bribery and corruption scandal.

But first, how to get the best out of your rotten bananas � up next.

(SIGHS) That was exhilarating. I haven't worked like that in years.

- To taking down obnoxious men

who think they can get away with lying, and cheating, and squashing women along the way.

- Yes! (BOTH LAUGH)

- (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

FYI, Billy's crying in the car park, blasting James Blunt.

(SIGHS) Sweet taste of champagne, live TV stitch-up. Do you mind?

Congratulations.

Speaking of... (PHONE RINGS)

...who have I got to pretend to like round here to get Vincey back on the box?

- In due course. Let's enjoy this. - Excuse me.

Hello. (PHONE CHIMES) - Oh.

- Ah, yes. This is she.

- Another client bite the dust? - Oh, no, no. Flirting my fanny off on Matchamate.

Feel like bloody Tinderella. (PHONE WHOOSHES) - (SCOFFS)

- Oh, spicy, spicy. Mummy likey, likey.

Carpe diem. Your wish is my command.

(PHONE CAMERA CLICKS) - OK. Uh, well, let me have a think, and I'll be in touch.

(PHONE CAMERA CLICKS) Thanks.

God. Tell me that's for your doctor.

- # On Blue Boulevard

# lovers drive by slow,

# playing heartbreak radio,

# down that lonesome road.

- What the hell! - Shh-shh-shh.

- # Silent night,

# holy night.

# All is calm,

# all is bright.

# Round yon virgin,

# mother and child.

# Holy infant, so tender and mild.

# Sleep in heavenly peace.

# Sleep in heavenly... #

- Yeah.

(SIGHS)

Love-bombing is such a red flag. Dammit.

(SIGHS)

(DOOR SLAMS)

(KNOCK ON GLASS)

(CAFE JAZZ PLAYS)

- (WHISTLES)

So, here...

we... are.

- Yeah.

- Two...

consenting adults...

just...

dating it up. - (SIGHS) Yay.

- Hey, hey, hey. (CHUCKLES)

- Bethanae. - What a coinkidink. (LAUGHS)

You know, I've actually taken a full social media detox.

You'll be so proud of me. I've limited my screen time to nine hours a day,

and I'm no longer accepting any spunk-on because we are #OnlyGiftedOneLife.

So, yeah, that's why I've decided to make an honest to God living and work here as a loser waiter.

That is until, you know, I find some rich old man to marry and exploit.

- OK. Well, uh... good luck with that.

Hey. Nice work on the show this morning. - Aw, thank you.

I'm sure the clip of it is probably going viral somewhere, but I wouldn't know because... detox.

O-M-G. Are you guys, like, on a date or something?

- Uh� - Oh� - It's�

- (STAMMERS) - (STAMMERS) It's� a... date. It's a� date. Yeah.

- OK.

The vibes are electric. (CHUCKLES)

Do you guys want me to get you a drink or something?

- Oh, absolutely. - Yes, please. - Cool.

- Is she gonna take our order? Or...

- Thank you.

- Mum, I have big news. - Oh, really? Me too. You go first.

- I've decided to start a podcast called

The Frozen Files: Discovering New Zealand's Coldest Crime Cases. 'Cases so cold, they're frozen.'

- That sounds wholesome, darling.

It sounds like a winner. - Mum, you were the winner this morning.

It was like proper, actual journalism.

No offence, but yesterday you interviewed a truck driver

who could play the national anthem on his guts. - Yeah, I sure did.

- So, what's your news?

Are you sick? - No.

- Is your Botox leaking again? - No.

- Did you accidentally kill someone in your sleep and store their body in a barrel in the garage?

- That's weirdly specific. - It can happen.

- Ooh! Look.

Kangaroo meat. Fresh from the Aussie outback. Apparently, this one was hit by a truck. (LAUGHS)

Yum! Let's eat.

- Carpe diem.

Seize the day, my bloody arse.

I mean, this tardiness better count as foreplay.

Maybe it was the pussy pic that scared him off.

- Scare me off? (CHUCKLES) It's gonna be my new screensaver,

as soon as I figure out how to save it to my screen. But know this, I'm savouring it.

- Oh... - 'Savoiring' it, up here. Nature's computer.

My memory.

CarpeDiem61. - How would someone as decrepit� (STUTTERS) as old� I mean, how�

How did you even log in? - You'd be surprised with what these fingers can do, my darling.

- You got your intern to do it, didn't you? - Exactly.

- You ever heard of texting? - Oh, darling, it's not nearly as exhilarating.

- Now, come on. Please. Take a seat. - Oh, chivalry isn't dead. Carpe diem.

- Just� - Oh!

- Can I just have a photo? Sorry, coming. - (CHUCKLES) Of course you can.

(PHONE CAMERA CLICKS) There it is. Beauty. - Thank you so much. You're amazing.

Thank you. - You are. (CHUCKLES)

Right.

- Seven.

Eight.

Nine.

Apparently, the, um� the digestive system was a lot better with a mastication rate of...

I think of a roundabout� - Stop, stop.

What is going on? - I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know why I'm talking about mastication.

I'm getting anxious every time I mention the word mastication. - Me too.

Look, Vince, you are already a fully qualified weirdo, and sadly, I find that endearing.

So can you stop acting like a nervous virgin and just go back to being normal weirdo Vince?

- Yeah, sorry. I just...

I just wanted this to be perfect.

- I've got an idea, Mastication Boy.

Why don't you interview me like I'm on your talk show?

Might relax you into behaving like a semi-normal human being.

- Do you think? - Well, it can't be worse than talking about

saliva's role in digestion. - Fair call.

OK.

So, Heidi, welcome to our date. - Oh, thank you, Vince. Great to be here.

Hello to the audience and to the fans.

- Well, speaking of fans, everyone knows I'm a big fan of yours. - Oh.

- Now, we all know what a formerly disgraced legal dynamo you are. - Guilty. (SCOFFS)

- But tell us, really, why the move from London? - Oh, well,

that is a great first question, and a funny story, actually.

I walked in on my husband humping the nanny. (LAUGHS)

- (SMACKS LIPS) - Yeah. Yeah. It was...

dynamic.

Yeah.

- OK. My turn. My news. So, this morning, after the show... - You were sacked.

- I was offered a job.

- I was not expecting that. - No. Me neither. But I got a call from the producer of Stitch-Up,

which is an investigative show that looks at people that were wronged by shady business deals,

and they stitch them up. - Kind of like Frozen Files. - Yeah. With less prison time

for the guilty people.

It's pretty much my dream job. But the thing is, it's not exactly here.

It's in...

- Norway?

- No.

Alaska? - No.

- What � under the sea?

- This was so much better in my head.

No.

It is a whale,

because they have whales at Sea World

in Australia.

- OK, first of all, they have never had whales at Sea World Australia.

And second of all, I literally led the school walkout

to protest against keeping marine mammals in captivity. Why would I ever wanna go to Sea World?

- We're moving to Australia. Yay!

- Now... - That is dull and flat, with a sharp edge. Now, take it away.

- You're a wanker. Do you even know what you're tasting? - No idea,

but it makes me look important.

- All cards on the table. What is this whole grooming situation going on?

- I'm getting old. I'm not the love leopard that I used to be.

I'm taking erectile dysfunction pills, for goodness sake.

I'm so old that I have to plan my intercourse 30 minutes in advance.

- OK, Mike, you're a good-looking guy for your age.

15 years ago, when I was less successful, I might have taken a ride on that D,

but these days, I'm a busy woman. I can't wait around half an hour for a bonk.

- Not that I would ever say no to that offer, but that's not what this is about.

- You may have heard � I'm stepping down from the show. - Yeah.

Couldn't help but notice the hefty hinting you did on Morning Glory the other day.

- Well, I have to do it on my own terms before they push me. I want to go with dignity.

- You deserve that, Mike. - I appreciate that.

- You know, I may come across all cocky and arrogant...

- ...misogynistic, homophobic, racist. - But it's all a front, you see.

Every day I go into work I'm expecting them to take me into the meeting room and say sayonara.

I need to take control. If I go, I need to leave the show in capable hands.

- You what? Me?

My... capable hands? - Good God, no. You're a woman. You're not capable.

- Argh! Are you insane? How can I investigate cold cases so cold that they are frozen from Australia?

And I just got Dad to start behaving like a semi-responsible adult! Argh!

- Yeah. So I just thought, why not bring Rupert to this small, faraway, very expensive country?

OK, OK, enough of that.

Why don't we do a little bit of role play? - Ooh, role play.

I love role play. - Ooh.

- OK. I'll, um... I'll be, uh... a mechanic. Uh� Mechanic named Barry.

And I run Barry's Auto Repairs.

- Righ... OK. - Hm� - So, out of all the characters

that you could choose, you want to be a mechanic named Barry? - Uh... Yeah.

What's wrong with a hardworking mechanic? - No. Who am I to stifle creativity?

- OK.

So, haven't seen you around here before.

- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: Yeah, yeah, no, I just flew in from Australia. I'm here for a three-day conference.

- Oh, yeah. Australia, you say. I've heard of that. - Nice.

- Name's Barry.

Excuse the greasy hands. - Oh yeah, those are greasy, Barry.

What do you do with those greasy mitts all day? - Well, have you heard of cars?

- Yeah, I am familiar. - Mm, yeah. Well, I'm a car fixer-er.

- A mechanic? - Call me what you want. We do warrants, regos, bit of servicing.

- Ooh. And, um...

what else do you service, Barry?

- Forklifts, trucks � small to light trucks. Anything you want serviced, I'm your guy.

- And, um...

So, do you think you could service me, Barry?

- Have you got a forklift?

- Ah! Yeah. Vince. That makes a lot more sense. I mean, I haven't actually hosted television.

I think it's the resting bitch face.

(SIGHS) Vince is gonna be happier than a bogan in a burnout. I mean, this is his dream gig.

Mike, are you sure you're actually in a position to offer this? - I'm taking control.

I'm Mike Martin. I can do anything.

- All right. We're gonna need longevity. Ten year contract. - Done.

- A dressing room, laden with fresh fruits of the forest. - Every day.

- Car park. - How about a car and a car park?

- One of the disabled ones there out the front. - I will rip down the sign myself.

- Ohhh...

Shit yeah.

- So, when you say you need to be serviced...

- You're a bit slow, aren't ya, Barry? - Yeah, yeah.

It's the, uh... constant exposure to exhaust fumes in the workshop. It's not much ventilation.

Hey. Barry's got something for ya.

- What are you doing down there, Barry?

Get your hand out of there! - Barry's taken off his knickers. - (WHISPERS) No, no no, no, stop.

Stop. Safe word.

For a guy who has put on a charade his entire life, you are so shocking at roleplay.

- I thought that was like naughty and sexy. - Not when Barry does it.

It's gross and unhygienic.

- So... are we still in the scene, or what's happening? I'm kind of confu�

- Forget the scene.

Why don't we just go into the bathroom? - Ohhh, thank God.

You busting as well? I've been hanging on for like 35, 40 minutes. - No. Together.

- Oh. Yeah. OK, and Barry was the gross, unhygienic one? - Not go to the bathroom together.

Like, go to the bathroom together.

- Ohhh.

I'll meet you in the men's in two. - Ew! No, gross. I'm not going to the men's. It's all pissy.

- I can't go to the women's. If you get caught in the men's, it's cute and endearing.

'I'm lost. I'm lost.' If I get caught in the women's, it's all pesty, isn't it?

How about neutral ground?

- BOTH: Women's it is. - Yeah. - Yeah.

What am I doing?

- Are ya done? Have you got it all out?

Good. Now, can we please discuss this like mature adults?

- Does Dad even know?

You haven't even talked to Dad about it? Oh yeah. Very mature, Mum. - You know what he's like.

He gets all funny if he thinks I'm more famous than him.

Evie.

(LOCK CLICKS)

- Ooh. (DOOR SHUTS) Aussie corporate lady.

Are you ready for your oil change?

Ahhh! What are you doing here?

- Dad, are you OK? - Just go away, sweetheart, please. Just go.

- Deal.

- Now, listen. You need to do me a favour. Vince can't get wind that I'm organising this.

His fragile little feelings won't cope if he knows I'm involved.

- Is that your hand on my thigh?

- Sorry. Force of habit. - (SIGHS) I am so happy.

Yeah.

Leaking excitement.

OK. I'll be right back.

- OK. (CHUCKLES)

- Just go� Just, darling, just� Uh, go� Get out, and I'll� Dad� Daddy will be out shortly, OK?

- Oh� Vince.

What� Just, what� - End me now.

- Evie, that was really rude to�

Jesus.

Oh, Vince.

- Hey, Lou. - OK. Let's not think too hard about what might

or might not be happening here.

Here.

- What am I meant to do with this? - Cover yourself up, man.

- Which part? - I don't know. Front, back. Whichever you deem more offensive.

Anyway... Timely. Got a full house.

I have got breaking news.

- Where are ya, you grubby little wombat?

Oh my God. Hello.

What are you doing in here? - Hey, how are ya? Just classic Barry sifting round the toilets,

losing all his clothes again.

- (EVIE AND ALEXIS): Barry?

- Mum's stealing me and taking me to Australia.

- You're the new host on Mike Martin Tonight. - (VINCE AND LOU): What?

- Well, well, well... - HEIDI: Oh my God. - ...haven't we all come

full circle? (CHUCKLES)

I guess Vince Walters is a perverted kiddie flasher after all.

Say 'cheese'. - VINCE: (GROANS) (PHONE CAMERA CLICKS)

- Oh, what. - (CHUCKLES)

Fine, I'll delete it.

- What do you mean you're moving to Australia?

- What do you mean that you're the host of Mike Martin tonight? - I just found that out, didn't I?

- Oh, I got us cars and car parks � disabled ones.

(DOOR OPENS) - Heidi. Heidi! (DOOR CLOSES)

- Australia is only three hours away. - EVIE: Seven if you factor check-ins...

- (SCOFFS) - ...customs, and travel to and from both airports.

- It is not seven hours. - Yes, it is! - You are being dramatic.

- No, it is. - No! I've been going to and from for years,

and it doesn't take seven hours� - That's science.

- That's if you've got the express. - Evie� - Always bored last.

- Heidi. (GROANS)

Heidi, wait. Please.

- I can't believe I was about to fool around with you in a public bathroom. Who am I?

- You're the� the Aussie corporate lady here for a three-day conference, remember?

- Vince.

I like you.

I like you, OK?

Like, a lot.

But, your life is very complicated, and I don't need a complication right now.

I'm sorry. - Please don't go.

Heidi.

- Yeah. She's way too good for you.

Hey, how serious were you about me deleting this pic? Because it would totally blow up on the sosh?

You're sticky.

I'll wait till you're dressed.

(GENTLE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)

- # Quand le jour est en avance,

# sur toi tout seulement, je pose.

# Tant des gars et des souciances,

# je cherche tes mains qui osent. #

Captions by Frank Gore.

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