Original subtitles

Oh, my God. You're, like, agoraphobic.

Really? Yeah!

You would rather sit on your couch

and watch a Phillies game

then go out to a movie with your awesome girlfriend.

Absolutely correct.

Later, Jim.

Kev, have a good weekend. Bye.

Okay, so this is what's gonna happen.

You're gonna suck it up... Here we go.

and we're gonna go to dinner... Okay.

And then we're gonna go to the movies.

Sounds good. Hey, Halpert!

Hey.

Roy! Ahh!

Roy, don't!

God!

Pam, please call security.

Every day for eight years,

I have brought pepper spray into this office

to protect myself and my fellow employees.

And every day for eight years,

people have laughed at me.

Well. Who's laughing now?

No need for consternation.

Everything is under control.

Michael, three days ago

one of your employees

attacked another employee in your office.

It was a crime of passion, Jan,

not a disgruntled employee.

Everyone here is extremely gruntled.

Is Toby there?

No.

I'm here, Jan.

Wh-what is the situation, Toby?

Well, we fired Roy, obviously.

And Jim won't press charges against Roy or the company.

Thank God. Yeah.

Um, but now apparently Darryl has some issue with--

No, he has been wanting a raise for a couple of months

and he's just using this Roy thing as leverage.

All right, well, are you gonna take care of this?

Yeppers.

What did I tell you about "yeppers?"

I don't remember.

I told you not to say it. Do you remember that?

Ye--sh.

I really don't want to talk about it.

I don't mean to be rude,

but I just--I don't want to comment on what happened.

It sucked.

I guess...

all things considered...

I was lucky Dwight was there.

And Roy was lucky that Dwight only used pepper spray,

and not the nunchucks or the throwing stars.

Hey, man, I never got a chance to thank you.

"Thank you" not necessary, and thus not accepted.

I saw someone breaking the law, and I interceded.

Okay.

Um...got you something.

Don't want it. Won't open it.

Don't need it. Won't take it.

Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens.

No, don't call me a hero.

Do you know who the real heroes are?

The guys who wake up every morning

and go into their normal jobs,

and get a distress call from the commissioner,

and take off their glasses and change into capes,

and fly around fighting crime.

Those are the real heroes.

I cannot believe I missed the fight.

It was crazy.

Man.

You saw it? Describe it, please.

Well...

I heard some shouting.

And I look over, and Roy's by reception.

And you could just tell he's gonna punch somebody.

Jim says something.

Roy stomps all over there.

All of a sudden--bam!

Roy goes down, and Dwight's standing there

like an action hero.

Oh!

It was insane.

Well...good for Dwight.

Okay, I want you to be Darryl

and ask me for a raise,

because I need to try out

some of these negotiation tactics on you.

Where'd you get that?

Wikipedia.

Wikipedia is the best thing ever.

Anyone in the world

can write anything they want about any subject.

So you know you are getting

the best possible information.

Okay, Darryl, ask me for a raise.

Hey, Mike, since Roy left

I've been doing a lot more work,

and I need a raise.

Hmm, well, that's interesting, Darryl.

I think...

that maybe you should...

I can't hear you.

What I'm saying is that...

Still nothing.

Okay, see what I did? No.

By leaning back and by whispering,

I established a dominant physical position.

Nice.

Okay, let's try another one.

I removed my weapon

from its secure hiding place.

Discharged it at a distance

of a little over a meter,

rendering him utterly and completely disabled.

The end.

Thanks, Dwight.

That is the bravest thing I have ever heard.

I can't imagine what I would've done.

I do.

You would've left me to fend for myself.

Like the time we were on the Ferris wheel

and that kid dropped a milkshake on me

and you just laughed.

Well, that was funny. That's why.

Oh, it was? Mm-hmm.

Okay, well, the next time that you get scared

that you think a murderer is in your apartment

in the middle of the night

and you call me to calm you down...

Can you stop?

Because I'm not gonna do it anymore, Ryan, I'm not.

There's a bunch of people back there maybe.

I call you in the middle of the night

to tell you that I love you. Guys?

I don't think Michael intended to punish me

by putting Ryan back here with Kelly.

But if he did intend that...wow.

Genius.

Yeah.

You ready for me?

Yes, yeah, absolutely. Have a seat. Cool.

You know what?

Actually, let's go into the conference room.

Okay. No, you know what? Let's stay here.

No, let's go to the con--

Yeah, let's go to the conference room.

Tactic number six.

Change the location of the meeting

at the last second.

Totally throws 'em off.

Number 14. Declining to speak first.

Makes them feel uncomfortable,

puts you in control.

I am declining to speak first.

Okay, I'll start.

It's pretty simple really.

I, um, I think I deserve a raise.

I'm scheduled to get one in six months,

but I'd like that to be moved up to now.

Hmm.

Ohh, Darryl.

You are a good worker and a good man.

I just--you know, times are tight.

And I just don't think

corporate's going to go for this right now.

Are you wearing lady clothes?

What?

Are you wearing lady clothes?

Those look like lady pants.

No, this is a power suit.

That there's a woman's suit.

I do not buy women's clothes.

Would not make that mistake again.

I'm gonna call Roy, man. Okay.

This is gonna make him feel better. All right.

This is too good!

All right, you know what?

Pam, would you please tell Darryl

that this is not a woman's suit.

Oh, my God. That's a woman's suit.

You're wearing a woman's suit?

No, I do-- I wear men's suits.

Okay, I got this out of a bin.

There were these huge bins of clothes,

and everybody was rifling through them like crazy,

and I grabbed one.

And it fit.

So I don't think

that is totally just a woman's suit.

At the very least it's bisexual.

Who makes it?

Um, MISSterious.

And it is mysterious,

because the buttons are on the wrong side.

That's the mystery.

It's got shoulder pads.

And did you see that lining?

Okay, would you stop it, please?

Michael, the pants don't have any pockets.

No, they don't. See?

Negotiations are all about controlling things.

About being in the driver's seat.

And...you make one tiny mistake, you're dead.

I made one tiny mistake.

I wore women's clothes.

So Karen, how do you feel

that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend's ass

over another woman?

I feel great, Kevin. Thank you.

What happened exactly?

I wasn't here,

so I haven't really heard the whole story.

Um, well, Jim and I were talking.

Mm-hmm.

And Roy walked in looking super angry.

And he's a big dude, you know?

And all of a sudden,

Jim pushed me out of the way.

And Roy cocked his fist.

And then--bam!

Dwight sprays him and knocks him on his butt.

Goodness.

Sorry I almost got you killed.

Yeah.

That was nuts.

It's just so stupid.

I mean, getting back with Roy and everything.

I mean, what was I thinking, right?

No, I mean, you guys really seem

to have a strong connection.

Not anymore.

It's, um... it's completely over now.

We'll see.

I'm sure you guys'll...

find your way back to one another someday.

Jim...

I am really...sorry.

Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it.

I'm going to give you a piece of paper.

I want you to write down how much you want,

then I want you to slide it back across the desk to me.

No, slide--slide it, yes.

There you go.

Oh...

Come on...be serious.

I am serious, Mike. That's a 10% raise.

That's what I want.

I can't give you that.

I-I don't make this much.

Come on, be for real, Mike.

I don't.

I'll prove it to you.

There is a pay stub.

Are you serious? You're earning this?

Plus perks, yes.

Mike, this is barely more than I make.

You've been here ten years, dog.

14 years.

Hoho!

No, please-- please don't--

Oh, sorry, Mike.

Some of my folks got to hear about this one.

Ah.

Okay, let's take 15 again.

A boss's salary isn't just about money.

It is about perks.

It--for example,

every year, I get a $100 gas card.

Can't put a price tag on that.

Michael.

Hmm?

Here's the, uh, $15 I owe you.

Oh, thank you. Yeah.

I heard you might need it.

So...just take it.

Yeah, I heard how much Michael makes.

I still think he's way overpaid.

Okay, here's the straight dope.

No tricks, no Wikipedia.

What?

I talked to corporate,

and they told me

that I can only give you a 5% raise.

That's 'cause of you, Mike.

They're not gonna give the working man

more than the boss.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Get your own raise.

You gotta get out there and earn, son.

I'm not gonna go out and ask for a raise right now.

That is ridiculous.

You gotta call your girl... and get paid.

Show her who wears the pants in the relationship.

You know what? I deserve a bump.

Make it happen, Captain.

I am makin' it happen... Sergeant.

Okay, if you don't want a gift,

at least let me buy you a beer

or lunch or something.

When Han Solo returns to the Death Star

in the Millennium Falcon

and shoots down the TIE fighters and saves the rebel cause...

do you think he does so for a free beer?

Boy, I-- No.

And why are you so interested in buying me something, Jim?

What's your angle?

I've never asked for a raise in 14 years.

This is long overdue.

I wanna do it today.

Today? All right.

Well, uh, listen, because of our, uh, situation,

we're gonna need to have a third party present.

Yes, I'm bringing Darryl.

D-Darryl from the warehouse?

Mm-hmm. No, Michael.

We--we need an H.R. rep.

So uh, you should just bring Toby.

Hey...I'd rather kill myself.

Michael, he's your branch's H.R. rep.

Toby is terrible. And we need someone else in the room

Toby is the worst human being because of our relationship.

I've ever known-- You know this. Michael!

Either Toby comes with you, or we don't do it.

Toby, come on, let's go.

Where? Where?

I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer.

Come on, let's go.

All right.

Don't ever touch a black man's radio!

Chris Tucker. Rush Hour.

You know?

I won't touch yours, by the way.

Thank you. Well...

And then all of a sudden, Dwight stood up

and was like, "No!"

Then what'd he do?

Well, you should just read the report that Toby did.

He took everyone's stories.

Okay, it seems here that you ordered

12,000 reams of paper.

Oh, 12 reams.

Hey, guys.

Jan is ready for you.

Okay.

Okay, bring it home now.

And don't forget the new black man phrase I taught you.

Pippity poppity, give me the zoppity.

Yes, sir! Remember that.

I'll be right outside if you need me.

All right.

Yeah. I taught Michael some new phrases.

I want him to get the raise.

I...just can't help myself.

Hey, man, uh...

I'm sorry.

Thanks.

Can I, like...

see you after work for coffee or something?

I don't know.

Please.

I just got some stuff I gotta say to you.

Jim!

Roy. Look out!

Thanks, Kev. I'm...good, though.

First off, Michael, this a salary negotiation.

All matters regarding our personal relationship

have to be set aside.

Are we clear?

Bippity boppity.

Right now, we can offer you a 6% raise.

6%? Mm-hmm.

After all we've been through?

Oh, God. I got you jade earrings.

Michael-- No. No.

Michael-- No.

You're gonna play it like this?

You give me a good raise,

or no more sex.

What are you writing, perv-ball?

Just preparing for the deposition.

This may be the first time that a male subordinate

has attempted to get a modest, scheduled raise

by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior.

It will be a groundbreaking case...

when it inevitably goes to trial.

I'm so sorry, Pammy.

I really wasn't gonna do anything.

But then I...kept thinking about you two together, and...

I just thought you guys were really good friends or...

or maybe he was gay or something.

Not that that's wrong.

I'm sorry too.

I just--

I think that we both made some bad choices.

So you gonna start datin' Halpert, then?

Um...no.

No, he has a girlfriend.

Oh, yeah.

Wait a minute, you broke off our wedding for the guy.

No.

There were a lot of reasons.

You mean you're not even gonna try to go out with him?

What's this?

What's what?

"Certificate of Bravery

"from the Scranton Police Department.

"Recognizing outstanding citizenship

from a very brave young man, Dwight K. Schrute"?

Wow, I guess word got around.

That's a nice honor.

Please, they hand these out to little kids.

Look, there's a teddy bear in a policeman's cap.

Mm...didn't think you'd notice.

What's wrong with you?

Ohh. It was a weird day.

I accidentally cross-dressed.

And then Darryl made me feel bad

for not making any money.

And then I had to ride up here with stupid Toby.

And then--

Okay, Michael...

I can offer you a 12% raise.

But...

you have got to ask for 15.

That's ridiculous. I'm never gonna make--

No, just...

I just need you to ask for it...

so I can record that you asked for it.

'Kay?

Ah, so...

All right, Levinson.

I would like a 15% raise.

No! But we can offer you 12.

But you just said 15.

Negotiation is an art.

Back and forth, give and take.

And today, both Darryl and I took something.

Higher salaries. Win, win, win.

But, you know, life is about more

than just salary.

It's about...perks.

Like having sex with Jan.

Michael!

Dwight.

I've been doing some very interesting reading.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Tales of bravery.

Hmm. Good stuff?

Mm-hmm.

I was thinking tonight, we could...

read it together.

That sounds...

fun.

I...

will never say a word.

And now... we are even.

I graduated from anger management the same way

I graduated from Cornell... on time.

Now I'm back, got a second chance,

and I'm not gonna blow it.

So look out, Dunder-Mifflin!

I mean "look out" in a fun way.

You know, not like, "I'm gonna hurt you."

Hey, guys!

Guess who's back?

Aah! Aah!

Ohh, God!

No need to thank me.

I am not a hero.

I am a mere defender of the office.

You know who's a real hero?

Hiro from "Heroes."

That's a hero.

Also Bono.