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1
00:00:01,737 --> 00:00:04,577
Oh, my God. You're,
like, agoraphobic.
2
00:00:04,609 --> 00:00:05,379
Really? Yeah!
3
00:00:05,412 --> 00:00:08,117
You would rather
sit on your couch
4
00:00:08,150 --> 00:00:09,253
and watch a Phillies game
5
00:00:09,286 --> 00:00:11,391
then go out to a movie with
your awesome girlfriend.
6
00:00:11,424 --> 00:00:12,458
Absolutely correct.
7
00:00:12,493 --> 00:00:13,595
Later, Jim.
8
00:00:13,627 --> 00:00:15,765
Kev, have a good weekend. Bye.
9
00:00:15,798 --> 00:00:18,405
Okay, so this is
what's gonna happen.
10
00:00:18,437 --> 00:00:19,273
You're gonna suck it up...
Here we go.
11
00:00:19,306 --> 00:00:21,077
and we're gonna go to dinner...
Okay.
12
00:00:21,111 --> 00:00:22,146
And then we're gonna
go to the movies.
13
00:00:22,178 --> 00:00:23,615
Sounds good. Hey, Halpert!
14
00:00:25,285 --> 00:00:26,386
Hey.
15
00:00:30,394 --> 00:00:31,431
Roy! Ahh!
16
00:00:31,463 --> 00:00:32,566
Roy, don't!
17
00:00:32,599 --> 00:00:35,804
God!
18
00:00:41,684 --> 00:00:44,422
Pam, please call security.
19
00:00:44,456 --> 00:00:46,694
Every day for eight years,
20
00:00:46,727 --> 00:00:48,497
I have brought pepper
spray into this office
21
00:00:48,530 --> 00:00:51,403
to protect myself and
my fellow employees.
22
00:00:51,436 --> 00:00:53,407
And every day for eight years,
23
00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:55,544
people have laughed at me.
24
00:00:55,578 --> 00:00:58,218
Well. Who's laughing now?
25
00:01:04,530 --> 00:01:05,062
No need for consternation.
26
00:01:06,433 --> 00:01:08,471
Everything is under control.
27
00:01:08,505 --> 00:01:09,507
Michael, three days ago
28
00:01:09,540 --> 00:01:10,741
one of your employees
29
00:01:10,774 --> 00:01:12,646
attacked another
employee in your office.
30
00:01:12,678 --> 00:01:14,582
It was a crime of passion, Jan,
31
00:01:14,617 --> 00:01:16,553
not a disgruntled employee.
32
00:01:16,586 --> 00:01:18,691
Everyone here is
extremely gruntled.
33
00:01:18,725 --> 00:01:20,494
Is Toby there?
34
00:01:20,529 --> 00:01:21,531
No.
35
00:01:21,563 --> 00:01:23,468
I'm here, Jan.
36
00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:25,739
Wh-what is the situation, Toby?
37
00:01:25,772 --> 00:01:28,377
Well, we fired Roy, obviously.
38
00:01:28,411 --> 00:01:30,915
And Jim won't press charges
against Roy or the company.
39
00:01:30,948 --> 00:01:32,585
Thank God. Yeah.
40
00:01:32,618 --> 00:01:35,692
Um, but now apparently
Darryl has some issue with--
41
00:01:35,725 --> 00:01:38,465
No, he has been wanting a
raise for a couple of months
42
00:01:38,497 --> 00:01:41,237
and he's just using this
Roy thing as leverage.
43
00:01:41,271 --> 00:01:42,605
All right, well, are you
gonna take care of this?
44
00:01:42,638 --> 00:01:43,975
Yeppers.
45
00:01:44,007 --> 00:01:47,483
What did I tell you
about "yeppers?"
46
00:01:47,515 --> 00:01:49,519
I don't remember.
47
00:01:49,552 --> 00:01:51,757
I told you not to say it.
Do you remember that?
48
00:01:51,791 --> 00:01:53,995
Ye--sh.
49
00:01:56,966 --> 00:01:59,606
I really don't want
to talk about it.
50
00:01:59,639 --> 00:02:01,576
I don't mean to be rude,
51
00:02:01,611 --> 00:02:05,351
but I just--I don't want to
comment on what happened.
52
00:02:07,422 --> 00:02:09,827
It sucked.
53
00:02:11,796 --> 00:02:13,501
I guess...
54
00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:15,904
all things considered...
55
00:02:15,938 --> 00:02:19,078
I was lucky Dwight was there.
56
00:02:19,110 --> 00:02:21,584
And Roy was lucky that Dwight
only used pepper spray,
57
00:02:21,616 --> 00:02:24,523
and not the nunchucks
or the throwing stars.
58
00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:32,439
Hey, man, I never got
a chance to thank you.
59
00:02:32,473 --> 00:02:34,542
"Thank you" not necessary,
and thus not accepted.
60
00:02:34,577 --> 00:02:38,115
I saw someone breaking
the law, and I interceded.
61
00:02:38,148 --> 00:02:39,786
Okay.
62
00:02:39,820 --> 00:02:43,093
Um...got you something.
63
00:02:43,125 --> 00:02:44,696
Don't want it. Won't open it.
64
00:02:44,729 --> 00:02:45,764
Don't need it. Won't take it.
65
00:02:45,798 --> 00:02:48,103
Citizens do not accept
prizes for being citizens.
66
00:02:53,145 --> 00:02:55,050
No, don't call me a hero.
67
00:02:55,082 --> 00:02:57,456
Do you know who the
real heroes are?
68
00:02:57,489 --> 00:02:59,627
The guys who wake
up every morning
69
00:02:59,659 --> 00:03:01,664
and go into their normal jobs,
70
00:03:01,696 --> 00:03:03,835
and get a distress call
from the commissioner,
71
00:03:03,868 --> 00:03:05,804
and take off their glasses
and change into capes,
72
00:03:05,838 --> 00:03:08,042
and fly around fighting crime.
73
00:03:08,076 --> 00:03:09,646
Those are the real heroes.
74
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,184
I cannot believe I
missed the fight.
75
00:03:12,218 --> 00:03:13,420
It was crazy.
76
00:03:13,455 --> 00:03:14,457
Man.
77
00:03:14,489 --> 00:03:17,629
You saw it? Describe it, please.
78
00:03:19,732 --> 00:03:21,637
Well...
79
00:03:21,670 --> 00:03:23,607
I heard some shouting.
80
00:03:23,641 --> 00:03:25,611
And I look over, and
Roy's by reception.
81
00:03:25,645 --> 00:03:27,815
And you could just tell
he's gonna punch somebody.
82
00:03:27,848 --> 00:03:29,619
Jim says something.
83
00:03:29,653 --> 00:03:30,922
Roy stomps all over there.
84
00:03:30,955 --> 00:03:32,056
All of a sudden--bam!
85
00:03:32,091 --> 00:03:33,760
Roy goes down, and
Dwight's standing there
86
00:03:33,794 --> 00:03:34,896
like an action hero.
87
00:03:34,930 --> 00:03:36,567
Oh!
88
00:03:36,601 --> 00:03:40,207
It was insane.
89
00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:43,814
Well...good for Dwight.
90
00:03:43,847 --> 00:03:45,519
Okay, I want you to be Darryl
91
00:03:45,552 --> 00:03:46,753
and ask me for a raise,
92
00:03:46,786 --> 00:03:47,922
because I need to try out
93
00:03:47,956 --> 00:03:49,759
some of these negotiation
tactics on you.
94
00:03:49,792 --> 00:03:50,928
Where'd you get that?
95
00:03:50,962 --> 00:03:52,231
Wikipedia.
96
00:03:52,264 --> 00:03:55,871
Wikipedia is the
best thing ever.
97
00:03:55,904 --> 00:03:57,643
Anyone in the world
98
00:03:57,676 --> 00:04:00,481
can write anything they
want about any subject.
99
00:04:00,481 --> 00:04:02,752
So you know you are getting
100
00:04:02,785 --> 00:04:05,123
the best possible information.
101
00:04:05,156 --> 00:04:07,896
Okay, Darryl, ask
me for a raise.
102
00:04:07,928 --> 00:04:09,733
Hey, Mike, since Roy left
103
00:04:09,766 --> 00:04:10,735
I've been doing a lot more work,
104
00:04:10,768 --> 00:04:11,571
and I need a raise.
105
00:04:11,603 --> 00:04:13,975
Hmm, well, that's
interesting, Darryl.
106
00:04:14,008 --> 00:04:15,879
I think...
107
00:04:15,912 --> 00:04:17,915
that maybe you should...
108
00:04:17,948 --> 00:04:20,689
I can't hear you.
109
00:04:20,721 --> 00:04:23,059
What I'm saying is that...
110
00:04:25,899 --> 00:04:28,337
Still nothing.
111
00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:31,743
Okay, see what I did? No.
112
00:04:31,777 --> 00:04:34,683
By leaning back
and by whispering,
113
00:04:34,717 --> 00:04:37,689
I established a dominant
physical position.
114
00:04:37,723 --> 00:04:39,225
Nice.
115
00:04:39,258 --> 00:04:40,762
Okay, let's try another one.
116
00:04:40,794 --> 00:04:42,264
I removed my weapon
117
00:04:42,297 --> 00:04:44,235
from its secure hiding place.
118
00:04:44,268 --> 00:04:45,739
Discharged it at a distance
119
00:04:45,772 --> 00:04:47,141
of a little over a meter,
120
00:04:47,174 --> 00:04:51,684
rendering him utterly
and completely disabled.
121
00:04:51,717 --> 00:04:54,790
The end.
122
00:04:54,822 --> 00:04:56,159
Thanks, Dwight.
123
00:04:56,192 --> 00:04:58,765
That is the bravest
thing I have ever heard.
124
00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:00,601
I can't imagine what
I would've done.
125
00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:01,971
I do.
126
00:05:02,003 --> 00:05:03,975
You would've left me
to fend for myself.
127
00:05:04,007 --> 00:05:05,745
Like the time we were
on the Ferris wheel
128
00:05:05,778 --> 00:05:06,881
and that kid dropped
a milkshake on me
129
00:05:06,913 --> 00:05:08,149
and you just laughed.
130
00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:09,352
Well, that was funny.
That's why.
131
00:05:09,385 --> 00:05:10,855
Oh, it was? Mm-hmm.
132
00:05:10,888 --> 00:05:11,857
Okay, well, the next
time that you get scared
133
00:05:11,890 --> 00:05:13,393
that you think a murderer
is in your apartment
134
00:05:13,427 --> 00:05:14,762
in the middle of the night
135
00:05:14,796 --> 00:05:15,965
and you call me to
calm you down...
136
00:05:15,999 --> 00:05:17,669
Can you stop?
137
00:05:17,703 --> 00:05:19,707
Because I'm not gonna do
it anymore, Ryan, I'm not.
138
00:05:19,740 --> 00:05:21,776
There's a bunch of
people back there maybe.
139
00:05:21,811 --> 00:05:23,078
I call you in the
middle of the night
140
00:05:23,112 --> 00:05:25,082
to tell you that I love you.
Guys?
141
00:05:25,116 --> 00:05:27,455
I don't think Michael
intended to punish me
142
00:05:27,487 --> 00:05:30,729
by putting Ryan back
here with Kelly.
143
00:05:30,762 --> 00:05:36,104
But if he did intend that...wow.
144
00:05:36,138 --> 00:05:37,174
Genius.
145
00:05:37,207 --> 00:05:38,778
Yeah.
146
00:05:38,811 --> 00:05:40,046
You ready for me?
147
00:05:40,079 --> 00:05:42,786
Yes, yeah, absolutely.
Have a seat. Cool.
148
00:05:42,819 --> 00:05:45,257
You know what?
149
00:05:45,290 --> 00:05:46,926
Actually, let's go into
the conference room.
150
00:05:46,961 --> 00:05:48,798
Okay. No, you know what?
Let's stay here.
151
00:05:50,902 --> 00:05:53,273
No, let's go to the con--
152
00:05:53,306 --> 00:05:55,478
Yeah, let's go to
the conference room.
153
00:05:57,314 --> 00:05:59,887
Tactic number six.
154
00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:01,957
Change the location
of the meeting
155
00:06:01,990 --> 00:06:03,158
at the last second.
156
00:06:03,193 --> 00:06:05,498
Totally throws 'em off.
157
00:06:14,817 --> 00:06:19,325
Number 14. Declining
to speak first.
158
00:06:19,358 --> 00:06:20,995
Makes them feel uncomfortable,
159
00:06:21,028 --> 00:06:22,464
puts you in control.
160
00:06:27,541 --> 00:06:30,280
I am declining to speak first.
161
00:06:30,313 --> 00:06:31,851
Okay, I'll start.
162
00:06:31,884 --> 00:06:33,085
It's pretty simple really.
163
00:06:33,118 --> 00:06:36,124
I, um, I think I
deserve a raise.
164
00:06:36,158 --> 00:06:38,396
I'm scheduled to get
one in six months,
165
00:06:38,430 --> 00:06:40,902
but I'd like that to
be moved up to now.
166
00:06:40,935 --> 00:06:44,341
Hmm.
167
00:06:44,375 --> 00:06:46,881
Ohh, Darryl.
168
00:06:46,914 --> 00:06:50,855
You are a good worker
and a good man.
169
00:06:50,889 --> 00:06:54,897
I just--you know,
times are tight.
170
00:06:57,034 --> 00:06:58,938
And I just don't think
171
00:06:58,971 --> 00:07:00,841
corporate's going to
go for this right now.
172
00:07:00,841 --> 00:07:02,144
Are you wearing lady clothes?
173
00:07:02,176 --> 00:07:04,014
What?
174
00:07:04,048 --> 00:07:06,652
Are you wearing lady clothes?
175
00:07:06,686 --> 00:07:08,223
Those look like lady pants.
176
00:07:09,992 --> 00:07:11,896
No, this is a power suit.
177
00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:13,967
That there's a woman's suit.
178
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:17,306
I do not buy women's clothes.
179
00:07:17,340 --> 00:07:19,511
Would not make
that mistake again.
180
00:07:19,546 --> 00:07:21,683
I'm gonna call Roy, man. Okay.
181
00:07:21,715 --> 00:07:22,986
This is gonna make him feel better.
All right.
182
00:07:23,018 --> 00:07:24,320
This is too good!
183
00:07:24,354 --> 00:07:26,091
All right, you know what?
184
00:07:26,125 --> 00:07:27,996
Pam, would you
please tell Darryl
185
00:07:28,028 --> 00:07:30,667
that this is not a woman's suit.
186
00:07:30,701 --> 00:07:32,370
Oh, my God. That's
a woman's suit.
187
00:07:32,404 --> 00:07:33,639
You're wearing a woman's suit?
188
00:07:33,674 --> 00:07:36,546
No, I do-- I wear men's suits.
189
00:07:36,580 --> 00:07:38,083
Okay, I got this out of a bin.
190
00:07:38,116 --> 00:07:40,053
There were these
huge bins of clothes,
191
00:07:40,087 --> 00:07:42,592
and everybody was rifling
through them like crazy,
192
00:07:42,625 --> 00:07:45,531
and I grabbed one.
193
00:07:45,564 --> 00:07:47,101
And it fit.
194
00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:49,071
So I don't think
195
00:07:49,105 --> 00:07:51,742
that is totally
just a woman's suit.
196
00:07:51,775 --> 00:07:54,048
At the very least it's bisexual.
197
00:07:54,081 --> 00:07:55,416
Who makes it?
198
00:07:57,253 --> 00:07:59,993
Um, MISSterious.
199
00:08:00,027 --> 00:08:02,030
And it is mysterious,
200
00:08:02,064 --> 00:08:03,166
because the buttons
are on the wrong side.
201
00:08:03,199 --> 00:08:04,536
That's the mystery.
202
00:08:04,569 --> 00:08:05,770
It's got shoulder pads.
203
00:08:05,804 --> 00:08:07,341
And did you see that lining?
204
00:08:07,374 --> 00:08:09,712
Okay, would you stop it, please?
205
00:08:09,745 --> 00:08:11,414
Michael, the pants
don't have any pockets.
206
00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:13,053
No, they don't. See?
207
00:08:14,420 --> 00:08:17,294
Negotiations are all
about controlling things.
208
00:08:17,326 --> 00:08:20,633
About being in
the driver's seat.
209
00:08:20,668 --> 00:08:24,440
And...you make one tiny
mistake, you're dead.
210
00:08:24,474 --> 00:08:26,746
I made one tiny mistake.
211
00:08:26,779 --> 00:08:28,783
I wore women's clothes.
212
00:08:30,956 --> 00:08:33,561
So Karen, how do you feel
213
00:08:33,595 --> 00:08:36,531
that Roy tried to kick
your boyfriend's ass
214
00:08:36,564 --> 00:08:38,035
over another woman?
215
00:08:38,368 --> 00:08:40,774
I feel great, Kevin. Thank you.
216
00:08:40,808 --> 00:08:42,812
What happened exactly?
217
00:08:42,845 --> 00:08:44,149
I wasn't here,
218
00:08:44,181 --> 00:08:46,920
so I haven't really
heard the whole story.
219
00:08:46,955 --> 00:08:49,126
Um, well, Jim and
I were talking.
220
00:08:49,159 --> 00:08:50,694
Mm-hmm.
221
00:08:50,729 --> 00:08:52,932
And Roy walked in
looking super angry.
222
00:08:52,967 --> 00:08:55,672
And he's a big dude, you know?
223
00:08:55,704 --> 00:08:56,674
And all of a sudden,
224
00:08:56,706 --> 00:08:58,209
Jim pushed me out of the way.
225
00:08:58,244 --> 00:09:00,481
And Roy cocked his fist.
226
00:09:00,481 --> 00:09:01,683
And then--bam!
227
00:09:01,717 --> 00:09:04,690
Dwight sprays him and
knocks him on his butt.
228
00:09:04,722 --> 00:09:09,165
Goodness.
229
00:09:14,275 --> 00:09:16,246
Sorry I almost got you killed.
230
00:09:16,279 --> 00:09:18,050
Yeah.
231
00:09:18,084 --> 00:09:19,285
That was nuts.
232
00:09:19,319 --> 00:09:22,759
It's just so stupid.
233
00:09:22,792 --> 00:09:25,731
I mean, getting back
with Roy and everything.
234
00:09:25,765 --> 00:09:29,672
I mean, what was
I thinking, right?
235
00:09:29,707 --> 00:09:31,143
No, I mean, you guys really seem
236
00:09:31,175 --> 00:09:33,214
to have a strong connection.
237
00:09:33,247 --> 00:09:34,849
Not anymore.
238
00:09:34,882 --> 00:09:38,625
It's, um... it's
completely over now.
239
00:09:39,792 --> 00:09:41,330
We'll see.
240
00:09:41,362 --> 00:09:42,766
I'm sure you guys'll...
241
00:09:42,798 --> 00:09:45,370
find your way back to
one another someday.
242
00:09:45,403 --> 00:09:46,873
Jim...
243
00:09:48,910 --> 00:09:50,715
I am really...sorry.
244
00:09:50,749 --> 00:09:53,053
Oh, yeah. Don't worry about it.
245
00:09:56,761 --> 00:09:58,731
I'm going to give
you a piece of paper.
246
00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:01,704
I want you to write
down how much you want,
247
00:10:01,737 --> 00:10:03,841
then I want you to slide it
back across the desk to me.
248
00:10:07,782 --> 00:10:09,051
No, slide--slide it, yes.
249
00:10:09,086 --> 00:10:11,155
There you go.
250
00:10:13,027 --> 00:10:14,963
Oh...
251
00:10:14,997 --> 00:10:16,667
Come on...be serious.
252
00:10:16,701 --> 00:10:18,370
I am serious, Mike.
That's a 10% raise.
253
00:10:18,403 --> 00:10:19,405
That's what I want.
254
00:10:19,439 --> 00:10:20,709
I can't give you that.
255
00:10:20,742 --> 00:10:22,679
I-I don't make this much.
256
00:10:22,713 --> 00:10:24,081
Come on, be for real, Mike.
257
00:10:24,115 --> 00:10:25,151
I don't.
258
00:10:25,184 --> 00:10:26,986
I'll prove it to you.
259
00:10:27,021 --> 00:10:30,194
There is a pay stub.
260
00:10:34,969 --> 00:10:36,941
Are you serious?
You're earning this?
261
00:10:36,973 --> 00:10:38,409
Plus perks, yes.
262
00:10:38,444 --> 00:10:40,448
Mike, this is barely
more than I make.
263
00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:42,016
You've been here ten years, dog.
264
00:10:43,821 --> 00:10:44,790
14 years.
265
00:10:44,823 --> 00:10:45,825
Hoho!
266
00:10:45,859 --> 00:10:47,427
No, please-- please don't--
267
00:10:47,462 --> 00:10:48,364
Oh, sorry, Mike.
268
00:10:48,397 --> 00:10:50,334
Some of my folks got
to hear about this one.
269
00:10:50,368 --> 00:10:51,904
Ah.
270
00:10:51,936 --> 00:10:53,407
Okay, let's take 15 again.
271
00:10:55,110 --> 00:10:57,114
A boss's salary isn't
just about money.
272
00:10:57,147 --> 00:10:58,449
It is about perks.
273
00:10:58,484 --> 00:11:00,721
It--for example,
274
00:11:00,721 --> 00:11:03,795
every year, I get
a $100 gas card.
275
00:11:03,828 --> 00:11:05,932
Can't put a price tag on that.
276
00:11:05,964 --> 00:11:06,934
Michael.
277
00:11:06,966 --> 00:11:07,968
Hmm?
278
00:11:08,003 --> 00:11:09,306
Here's the, uh, $15 I owe you.
279
00:11:09,338 --> 00:11:10,809
Oh, thank you. Yeah.
280
00:11:10,841 --> 00:11:12,245
I heard you might need it.
281
00:11:12,277 --> 00:11:15,985
So...just take it.
282
00:11:16,018 --> 00:11:19,326
Yeah, I heard how
much Michael makes.
283
00:11:19,359 --> 00:11:21,931
I still think he's way overpaid.
284
00:11:21,963 --> 00:11:24,068
Okay, here's the straight dope.
285
00:11:24,101 --> 00:11:25,971
No tricks, no Wikipedia.
286
00:11:26,005 --> 00:11:26,973
What?
287
00:11:27,007 --> 00:11:28,176
I talked to corporate,
288
00:11:28,209 --> 00:11:29,880
and they told me
289
00:11:29,912 --> 00:11:32,986
that I can only
give you a 5% raise.
290
00:11:33,018 --> 00:11:34,188
That's 'cause of you, Mike.
291
00:11:34,221 --> 00:11:35,424
They're not gonna
give the working man
292
00:11:35,458 --> 00:11:36,827
more than the boss.
293
00:11:36,861 --> 00:11:37,863
Well, what am I supposed to do?
294
00:11:37,896 --> 00:11:39,598
Get your own raise.
295
00:11:39,631 --> 00:11:42,104
You gotta get out
there and earn, son.
296
00:11:42,137 --> 00:11:43,841
I'm not gonna go out and
ask for a raise right now.
297
00:11:43,875 --> 00:11:45,511
That is ridiculous.
298
00:11:45,543 --> 00:11:48,584
You gotta call your girl...
and get paid.
299
00:11:48,616 --> 00:11:50,922
Show her who wears the
pants in the relationship.
300
00:11:50,955 --> 00:11:52,525
You know what? I deserve a bump.
301
00:11:52,557 --> 00:11:53,995
Make it happen, Captain.
302
00:11:56,466 --> 00:11:59,571
I am makin' it happen...
Sergeant.
303
00:12:02,011 --> 00:12:03,547
Okay, if you don't want a gift,
304
00:12:03,580 --> 00:12:05,050
at least let me buy you a beer
305
00:12:05,082 --> 00:12:05,985
or lunch or something.
306
00:12:06,018 --> 00:12:08,056
When Han Solo returns
to the Death Star
307
00:12:08,088 --> 00:12:09,259
in the Millennium Falcon
308
00:12:09,291 --> 00:12:12,631
and shoots down the TIE fighters
and saves the rebel cause...
309
00:12:12,665 --> 00:12:14,969
do you think he does
so for a free beer?
310
00:12:15,002 --> 00:12:17,442
Boy, I-- No.
311
00:12:17,475 --> 00:12:19,010
And why are you so interested
in buying me something, Jim?
312
00:12:19,045 --> 00:12:22,117
What's your angle?
313
00:12:22,151 --> 00:12:25,223
I've never asked for
a raise in 14 years.
314
00:12:25,258 --> 00:12:27,195
This is long overdue.
315
00:12:27,227 --> 00:12:28,697
I wanna do it today.
316
00:12:28,729 --> 00:12:29,831
Today? All right.
317
00:12:29,865 --> 00:12:32,572
Well, uh, listen, because
of our, uh, situation,
318
00:12:32,604 --> 00:12:34,943
we're gonna need to have
a third party present.
319
00:12:34,977 --> 00:12:37,047
Yes, I'm bringing Darryl.
320
00:12:37,081 --> 00:12:38,716
D-Darryl from the warehouse?
321
00:12:38,749 --> 00:12:41,022
Mm-hmm. No, Michael.
322
00:12:41,055 --> 00:12:43,226
We--we need an H.R. rep.
323
00:12:43,259 --> 00:12:45,999
So uh, you should
just bring Toby.
324
00:12:46,032 --> 00:12:48,036
Hey...I'd rather kill myself.
325
00:12:48,069 --> 00:12:49,973
Michael, he's your branch's H.R.
rep.
326
00:12:50,007 --> 00:12:52,111
Toby is terrible. And we
need someone else in the room
327
00:12:52,144 --> 00:12:54,516
Toby is the worst human being
because of our relationship.
328
00:12:54,549 --> 00:12:56,352
I've ever known-- You know this.
Michael!
329
00:12:56,385 --> 00:12:58,590
Either Toby comes with
you, or we don't do it.
330
00:13:04,336 --> 00:13:06,071
Toby, come on, let's go.
331
00:13:06,105 --> 00:13:07,475
Where? Where?
332
00:13:07,508 --> 00:13:09,010
I'm gonna smack you in
the head with a hammer.
333
00:13:09,045 --> 00:13:11,749
Come on, let's go.
334
00:13:11,783 --> 00:13:13,987
All right.
335
00:13:22,172 --> 00:13:26,213
Don't ever touch a
black man's radio!
336
00:13:26,245 --> 00:13:28,383
Chris Tucker. Rush Hour.
337
00:13:28,417 --> 00:13:30,020
You know?
338
00:13:32,024 --> 00:13:34,262
I won't touch yours, by the way.
339
00:13:34,296 --> 00:13:36,032
Thank you. Well...
340
00:13:36,065 --> 00:13:37,769
And then all of a
sudden, Dwight stood up
341
00:13:37,803 --> 00:13:39,306
and was like, "No!"
342
00:13:39,339 --> 00:13:41,009
Then what'd he do?
343
00:13:41,042 --> 00:13:42,444
Well, you should just read
the report that Toby did.
344
00:13:42,477 --> 00:13:43,748
He took everyone's stories.
345
00:13:45,318 --> 00:13:49,391
Okay, it seems here
that you ordered
346
00:13:49,426 --> 00:13:51,462
12,000 reams of paper.
347
00:13:51,495 --> 00:13:52,833
Oh, 12 reams.
348
00:14:07,462 --> 00:14:08,397
Hey, guys.
349
00:14:08,429 --> 00:14:12,205
Jan is ready for you.
350
00:14:12,237 --> 00:14:13,406
Okay.
351
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:14,542
Okay, bring it home now.
352
00:14:14,576 --> 00:14:16,948
And don't forget the new
black man phrase I taught you.
353
00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:18,483
Pippity poppity,
give me the zoppity.
354
00:14:18,517 --> 00:14:20,922
Yes, sir! Remember that.
355
00:14:20,956 --> 00:14:22,458
I'll be right outside
if you need me.
356
00:14:22,491 --> 00:14:24,061
All right.
357
00:14:24,510 --> 00:14:27,210
Yeah. I taught Michael
some new phrases.
358
00:14:27,235 --> 00:14:29,940
I want him to get the raise.
359
00:14:29,974 --> 00:14:31,343
I...just can't help myself.
360
00:14:42,497 --> 00:14:44,971
Hey, man, uh...
361
00:14:45,003 --> 00:14:46,505
I'm sorry.
362
00:14:58,364 --> 00:15:00,267
Thanks.
363
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:12,424
Can I, like...
364
00:15:12,457 --> 00:15:14,562
see you after work for
coffee or something?
365
00:15:14,595 --> 00:15:17,034
I don't know.
366
00:15:17,068 --> 00:15:19,572
Please.
367
00:15:19,605 --> 00:15:22,078
I just got some stuff
I gotta say to you.
368
00:15:30,693 --> 00:15:32,331
Jim!
369
00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:34,235
Roy. Look out!
370
00:15:34,268 --> 00:15:36,907
Thanks, Kev. I'm...good, though.
371
00:15:36,942 --> 00:15:40,113
First off, Michael, this
a salary negotiation.
372
00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:41,952
All matters regarding
our personal relationship
373
00:15:41,985 --> 00:15:43,454
have to be set aside.
374
00:15:43,487 --> 00:15:44,621
Are we clear?
375
00:15:44,656 --> 00:15:46,325
Bippity boppity.
376
00:15:47,627 --> 00:15:49,599
Right now, we can
offer you a 6% raise.
377
00:15:49,631 --> 00:15:51,403
6%? Mm-hmm.
378
00:15:51,436 --> 00:15:52,505
After all we've been through?
379
00:15:52,538 --> 00:15:55,643
Oh, God. I got
you jade earrings.
380
00:15:55,678 --> 00:15:57,515
Michael-- No. No.
381
00:15:57,548 --> 00:15:58,649
Michael-- No.
382
00:15:58,684 --> 00:16:00,320
You're gonna play it like this?
383
00:16:00,353 --> 00:16:02,124
You give me a good raise,
384
00:16:02,158 --> 00:16:03,693
or no more sex.
385
00:16:07,002 --> 00:16:08,704
What are you writing, perv-ball?
386
00:16:08,736 --> 00:16:11,276
Just preparing for
the deposition.
387
00:16:11,310 --> 00:16:13,414
This may be the first time
that a male subordinate
388
00:16:13,447 --> 00:16:16,453
has attempted to get a
modest, scheduled raise
389
00:16:16,485 --> 00:16:19,626
by threatening to withhold
sex from a female superior.
390
00:16:19,658 --> 00:16:22,431
It will be a
groundbreaking case...
391
00:16:22,465 --> 00:16:24,601
when it inevitably
goes to trial.
392
00:16:26,140 --> 00:16:28,577
I'm so sorry, Pammy.
393
00:16:28,609 --> 00:16:30,413
I really wasn't
gonna do anything.
394
00:16:30,447 --> 00:16:34,556
But then I...kept thinking
about you two together, and...
395
00:16:36,493 --> 00:16:38,429
I just thought you guys were
really good friends or...
396
00:16:38,463 --> 00:16:42,605
or maybe he was
gay or something.
397
00:16:42,638 --> 00:16:44,609
Not that that's wrong.
398
00:16:47,381 --> 00:16:49,485
I'm sorry too.
399
00:16:50,688 --> 00:16:51,590
I just--
400
00:16:51,623 --> 00:16:55,363
I think that we both
made some bad choices.
401
00:16:58,604 --> 00:17:01,042
So you gonna start
datin' Halpert, then?
402
00:17:01,042 --> 00:17:04,682
Um...no.
403
00:17:04,715 --> 00:17:06,553
No, he has a girlfriend.
404
00:17:06,586 --> 00:17:08,590
Oh, yeah.
405
00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:13,867
Wait a minute, you broke
off our wedding for the guy.
406
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:16,373
No.
407
00:17:16,406 --> 00:17:19,545
There were a lot of reasons.
408
00:17:19,579 --> 00:17:22,752
You mean you're not even
gonna try to go out with him?
409
00:17:29,699 --> 00:17:31,603
What's this?
410
00:17:31,636 --> 00:17:32,871
What's what?
411
00:17:32,905 --> 00:17:34,475
"Certificate of Bravery
412
00:17:34,508 --> 00:17:35,843
"from the Scranton
Police Department.
413
00:17:35,878 --> 00:17:38,717
"Recognizing
outstanding citizenship
414
00:17:38,750 --> 00:17:41,589
from a very brave young man, Dwight K.
Schrute"?
415
00:17:41,623 --> 00:17:43,859
Wow, I guess word got around.
416
00:17:43,894 --> 00:17:45,398
That's a nice honor.
417
00:17:45,430 --> 00:17:47,668
Please, they hand these
out to little kids.
418
00:17:47,702 --> 00:17:49,772
Look, there's a teddy
bear in a policeman's cap.
419
00:17:49,806 --> 00:17:52,912
Mm...didn't think you'd notice.
420
00:17:55,251 --> 00:17:56,686
What's wrong with you?
421
00:17:57,688 --> 00:18:01,162
Ohh. It was a weird day.
422
00:18:01,162 --> 00:18:03,500
I accidentally cross-dressed.
423
00:18:04,869 --> 00:18:06,673
And then Darryl made me feel bad
424
00:18:06,706 --> 00:18:08,643
for not making any money.
425
00:18:08,677 --> 00:18:10,748
And then I had to ride
up here with stupid Toby.
426
00:18:10,780 --> 00:18:12,252
And then--
427
00:18:12,284 --> 00:18:13,654
Okay, Michael...
428
00:18:13,687 --> 00:18:16,660
I can offer you a 12% raise.
429
00:18:16,693 --> 00:18:17,894
But...
430
00:18:17,928 --> 00:18:20,868
you have got to ask for 15.
431
00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:24,242
That's ridiculous.
I'm never gonna make--
432
00:18:24,276 --> 00:18:25,578
No, just...
433
00:18:25,610 --> 00:18:27,914
I just need you to ask for it...
434
00:18:27,948 --> 00:18:29,985
so I can record that
you asked for it.
435
00:18:30,019 --> 00:18:32,725
'Kay?
436
00:18:32,758 --> 00:18:34,829
Ah, so...
437
00:18:35,931 --> 00:18:37,768
All right, Levinson.
438
00:18:37,802 --> 00:18:41,776
I would like a 15% raise.
439
00:18:41,810 --> 00:18:43,780
No! But we can offer you 12.
440
00:18:43,814 --> 00:18:45,351
But you just said 15.
441
00:18:46,820 --> 00:18:50,026
Negotiation is an art.
442
00:18:50,058 --> 00:18:52,731
Back and forth, give and take.
443
00:18:52,765 --> 00:18:56,806
And today, both Darryl
and I took something.
444
00:18:56,840 --> 00:19:00,548
Higher salaries. Win, win, win.
445
00:19:00,580 --> 00:19:03,719
But, you know,
life is about more
446
00:19:03,754 --> 00:19:05,890
than just salary.
447
00:19:05,924 --> 00:19:09,064
It's about...perks.
448
00:19:09,096 --> 00:19:10,733
Like having sex with Jan.
449
00:19:10,768 --> 00:19:12,337
Michael!
450
00:19:16,077 --> 00:19:18,449
Dwight.
451
00:19:21,755 --> 00:19:23,759
I've been doing some
very interesting reading.
452
00:19:23,793 --> 00:19:25,597
Really? Mm-hmm.
453
00:19:25,631 --> 00:19:26,799
Tales of bravery.
454
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:28,870
Hmm. Good stuff?
455
00:19:28,904 --> 00:19:30,773
Mm-hmm.
456
00:19:30,807 --> 00:19:32,712
I was thinking
tonight, we could...
457
00:19:32,744 --> 00:19:34,982
read it together.
458
00:19:35,016 --> 00:19:36,986
That sounds...
459
00:19:37,020 --> 00:19:41,061
fun.
460
00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:57,694
I...
461
00:19:57,727 --> 00:20:00,767
will never say a word.
462
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:03,806
And now... we are even.
463
00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:09,885
I graduated from anger
management the same way
464
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:12,625
I graduated from Cornell...
on time.
465
00:20:12,657 --> 00:20:14,696
Now I'm back, got
a second chance,
466
00:20:14,728 --> 00:20:16,466
and I'm not gonna blow it.
467
00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:18,536
So look out, Dunder-Mifflin!
468
00:20:20,540 --> 00:20:22,645
I mean "look out" in a fun way.
469
00:20:22,678 --> 00:20:24,915
You know, not like,
"I'm gonna hurt you."
470
00:20:24,950 --> 00:20:27,222
Hey, guys!
471
00:20:27,255 --> 00:20:28,690
Guess who's back?
472
00:20:28,724 --> 00:20:30,228
Aah! Aah!
473
00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:33,934
Ohh, God!
474
00:20:33,967 --> 00:20:35,470
No need to thank me.
475
00:20:35,503 --> 00:20:37,641
I am not a hero.
476
00:20:37,675 --> 00:20:40,348
I am a mere defender
of the office.
477
00:20:40,381 --> 00:20:41,951
You know who's a real hero?
478
00:20:41,983 --> 00:20:43,955
Hiro from "Heroes."
479
00:20:43,987 --> 00:20:46,826
That's a hero.
480
00:20:46,860 --> 00:20:48,264
Also Bono.
32385
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