Original subtitles

What’s the matter with you, Leslie ?

I have to live with you !

What’s the matter with you ?

Well, I'm not sneery and prickly and I don't smell like feet.

Have a ruddy bath, find a ruddyjob, and change your personality !

You know what ?

I had more fun in that police cell than here !

Well, ask yourself why, because I've given you a loving and happy home.

Well, maybe I'm not the happy kind.

Well, you're making us feel the same way !

J !

Adolescents are all hard work, aren't they ?

I mean, how was Larry at 18 ?

Like a tall, evil goblin.

But sort of fun.

Whereas Leslie, who I love, obviously, is a twit with a gun.

What is this ?

Ooh, you don't want to know.

Margo's got a job, though.

Companion to the Countess Mavrodaki.

Well, we all need someone to be with.

If you mean Sven,

I am tired of trying to break through his bloody shell.

Oh, but he's so handsome.

Yeah, and wouldn't it be nice if just once, a man could look good with his shirt off and want to share some thoughts ?

Isn't love worth pursuing ?

Is this bile ?

Who knows ?

The patients are full of surprises.

Don't change the subject.

Yes, love is worth pursuing.

Why is everyone shouting at me today ?

Look, I know this is Greece, but you're gonna have to speak English.

Louisa.

Sven.

Are you busy, orjust being rude ?

No, I'm busy.

Do you have to be so secretive ?

I've already got a son at home who's about to implode because he can't express himself.

I just like my privacy.

I just thought we knew each other well enough to pop by and say hello.

Well, sometimes a man is an island.

It's "no man is an island," you idiot.

Right, well, I'll get back to my family.

Your principal function will be to read to me, as my eyes tire easily.

I know ! Mine are the same.

Well, I hope not.

I was just trying to agree with you.

My last job was a bit of a calamity, so I need this to go well.

Demetrios used to read to me, but his voice is rather unpleasant.

It isn't.

My name is Dennis.

He's still learning where to place the cutlery around the table, so I am delighted to have you here as my companion.

Mowgli.

Something's crawled into it !

Two beautiful bats look.

I don't want to see bats !

No more frigging wildlife out here.

They've got to go somewhere.

Outdoors ?

Where they came from ?

One collects them, the other executes them.

I hate that turkey farmer.

Crippenopoulos ?

Crusty, vile, money-grabbing weasel.

Is that his name ? Crippenopoulos ?

So why call him that, then ?

Because he's like the murderer Crippen and I've added the Greek suffix “opoulos“ because we're in...

Please find me some cleverer people !

Why don't you piss off upstairs and do your typing ?

I'm recharging my batteries while I find out if they'll publish my novel.

That's a story in book form with chapters.

I found some baby owls in the woods.

And I've put the bats somewhere safe !

Roger, shush !

No one likes a Ioudmouth.

So, are you a pain because your so-called girlfriend's miles away ?

Are you one because you'll never ever get another girlfriend ?

Bog.

Who's there ?

Leslie ?

Get them out !

Leslie !

Leslie, I mean it !

Leslie !

Here we go again.

Sky/Ios !

My god, he's got rabies.

I want Leslie dead.

I'll deal With this.

What's going on ?

You've killed it !

It's only a bat, Gerry.

They're lovely.

All creatures are.

Especially the ones no one likes.

Go on, then !

Take your misery out on me !

Atent for you to live in in the garden until you start to appreciate the home and family life.

So where are you intending to sleep ?

Don't you dare !

Sotos !

Leslie !

English !

Can I stay with you ?

Lady Marchmont watched Sir Timothy's hands dancing on the piano keys.

Even the back of his neck was handsome."

How's it coming along ?

Splendidly.

You don't get any better, do you ?

“But Lady Marchmont's head was in turmoil.“

Well, it would be.

So she asked for a cold compress and took it with her to her room, which tended in any case to be chilly.

You're reading it like that, are you ?

Jealousy does not become you.

Shall I bring you some easier fruit ?

You're a rude man.

Lugaretzia, if that's Greek for "You're a dreadful mother,"

I will make you clean out the pelican.

Leslie is best child.

Yes, I know you think Leslie is best child.

Now please go and ask Spiros to find him.

Well, I've run out of good books to read, so I might as well sort you out.

Sort me out ?

If you hadn't been so unkind to Leslie, he'd still be here.

You're so shirty.

I smell man trouble.

Oh, if you mean Sven,

as everybody seems so intent on shoving us together, he's clearly not interested.

Well, he wouldn't be the first moody Swede.

You're better off with a Finn.

Well, there weren't any Finns.

Anyway, he seems to enjoy being strong and silent and... male.

So he's like Mr. Darcy in...

Yes, I know what book Mr. Darcy's in, thank you.

And for all the failings of English men,

at least I understand them.

And England.

Smug, tweedy old England ?

Pudding Island ?

Ha !

What's wrong with pudding ?

Leslie.

Eat.

Thanks.

First, run round.

What ?

To eat.

Run round.

What, run round the shack ?

Bugger off.

(snaps)

(laughing)

Darling, don't.

Supper's nearly ready.

(sighs)

Listen, this is important.

I have to get hold of better clothing

or I won't get the boyfriend I want.

The countess has gorgeous clothes.

A true boyfriend will love you

even if you're wearing a dirty old sack.

(knocking)

Mrs. Durrells.

Your son Leslie.

What's happened ?

He's living with bad people.

Oh darling, please come home.

No-- you chucked me out.

I know, and it was wrong.

But you are way out of your depth

with these men here.

They're my friends.

At least let me come in and tidy.

No !

Leslie !

I don't know what's gone wrong between us.

How can I make it better ?

I just can't seem to be happy.

SERGEANT: Mrs. Durrell.

Kalispera.

Ah, good evening-- kalispera.

I come to arrest.

Well, the gentlemen who live here

don't seem to be at home.

My son is just about to leave.

Yes, I want him.

What ? Why ?

You can't do that !

What's he done ?

Leslie !

I haven't done anything !

I miss my bat, Lugaretzia.

I'm gonna give him a good send-off.

Leslie's shorts.

Heretai.

Hello.

My name's Margo.

Angel.

You know, like an angel.

So, you like to watch me at work.

Yes, I love gardening.

Killing turkeys is a serious crime.

He's bailed for a week.

Thank you, officer.

It's so unfair !

Sh ! You're only out on bail.

They could arrest you again.

It's outrageous.

I mean, why bother to respect the law ?

Look, the farmer obviously thinks

that we have tons of money and we'll just roll over.

No, you've always told me honesty is its own reward.

Well, it's not true, is it ?

Leslie, just come home.

Lugaretzia's beside herself,

Larry's written you a very funny poem

based on “The Ballad of Reading Gaol,“

and, well, we all miss you, darling, terribly.

Well, I don't miss you.

“Lady Margo, you are stunning.“

“Yes, Angel, I am, very much so.“

I'm sorry.

I'll take it off.

I'll have to tell the countess.

What ?

No ! Why ?

The villa is her entire universe.

She insists on knowing everything.

(sighs)

Please don't dislike me.

I don't dislike you.

But I am the countess's guard dog,

in human form.

You're going to have me sacked.

She decides everything.

That's why it's the Villa Mavrodaki,

not the Villa Dennis.

(door closes)

They've charged him

with threatening our local farmer, shooting,

letting our dog savage his turkeys,

and failure to pay compensation.

Pack of lies !

Is it a pack of lies ?

Of course it is.

But he has to appear in court next week.

I need you two to be our lawyers.

Is that wise ?

We are, respectively, a biologist and a taxi driver.

Yes, but between you,

you know everything and everyone.

And I couldn't find or afford anybody else.

I'm disappointed with you, Margo.

But you seemed so easygoing,

I thought you'd let me try on a dress.

I'd let you try on mine.

I am relieving you of your duties

for gross disobedience.

Do let me stay.

My mother would be so sad.

I find adults very confusing.

Go now !

(laughing)

Oh, but you're so serious, my dear !

Your face !

Have the dress.

I hear it becomes you.

Now read to me.

We've a whole library to get through.

(muttering): Oh, don't come now !

(sighs)

Well, speak !

Don't be angry.

I come in peace.

Oh, so it's okay for you to come and call on me

but not for me to come and call on you.

I apologize.

I felt unsure.

Oh, you were feeling unsure ?

(scoffs)

What are you doing here ?

I like it here.

And I like you.

So why do we argue all the time ?

Because as a woman, you get upset.

It's tiring.

(laughing)

Or as a man,

you don't tell me what you're thinking.

I mean, it is like talking to fog.

What do you want to know ?

What's stopping us ?

Is it me ?

Is it my children ?

No.

I like children.

Your children.

Well, it's true

I'm used to being on my own.

Perhaps change makes me anxious.

Well...

Well, no, that was good !

Well, don't stop there !

So it is me.

Oh, sorry.

Whisky inside.

Locked.

Oh.

Shoot

Ooh, should we ?

I'm supposed to be on bail, and...

Tell you what, let's go play some football !

Shoot

Or we shoot you.

(sighs)

They're eating the queen.

Oh, how lovely.

This is going to be our burial area.

Oh, I had rather expected to be buried in England.

No, I mean for my bat.

Oh.

Could you please find me a Greek Orthodox priest ?

The countess gave me a dress !

Yourjob is notjob.

This is job.

It's actually hard work reading love stories

where the most they do is breathe heavily.

I'm going to snip some pages out.

When did anyone ever really “feel their heart skip a beat“ ?

I do that. All the time.

You should read “The Posh Ignoramus,“ my novel.

She's not an ignoramus.

She has a huge library.

Ooh, ask her to let me borrow from it.

Oh, you're not so rude now.

No.

I've run out of books to read.

Well, you'd better write another one then.

I'm still waiting for the first one

to be accepted.

I don't like it when she does that.

Yeah, nor do I.

Who peed on my shoes ?

Your mother.

These were very expensive.

We went on a special trip to London to get them.

I don't think we can be best friends anymore.

What do you think ?

Oh my goodness.

That is so beautiful.

Wearing this, I feel like I could do anything.

And have any man.

Margo !

(creaking)

(door closes)

Oh, Leslie.

I'm so worried about you.

Stop, I'm all right.

What's that smell ?

My shoes.

(birds chirping)

(door closes)

That little bastard Creech !

Mrs. Durrell, good morning.

Oh. You.

Your face looked like an overcast day in Bootle

last time we met, so...

I'm off the drink.

Oh, well...

Lost the beard, bought a cravat.

Thank you.

I'm here to invite you onto my yacht.

Sailing is

one of the few things I do well.

Oh.

Ah !

Didn't he get drunk here and you nearly shot him ?

Yes.

Thank you, and that reminds me

why a trip outwith you would be a bad idea.

Mommy, we're starting.

Ooh ! Lunch ?

Bat funeral.

Ah.

THEO: (saying "The Lord's Prayer" in Greek)

This is grander than Dad's funeral.

What was Captain Creech doing here ?

He was inviting me on his yacht.

I said no.

Say yes !

Stop fretting about Les.

He'll always be a mess.

Let your hair down.

You have no idea about parenting, do you ?

You're supposed to fuss.

Idiot.

(prayer continues)

And Gerry is grieving

for this bat, of all things.

Well, it's obviously a displaced sense of loss

and not feeling connected and anxiety for his sibling.

I know that.

I've asked Theo

to encourage him in the science of it:

death, life, compost.

Compost ?

But I'm very glad he's developing

a spiritual interest, too.

Well, maybe that's what Leslie needs.

Oh, no.

He'd take it too far.

He'd be frog marching us all to the church at gunpoint.

(laughs)

You know, Sven goes to the Greek Orthodox Church.

He's a dark horse.

I don't want to talk about him.

You know, he started talking,

he started opening up

about liking children and, you know,

and then he just walked away !

But sod him,

because I have a captain friend who has a big boat

that he's taking me out on on Thursday.

Well, it's good you don't want to talk about him.

In fact, if you could get Sven

to come to the harbor when I'm leaving,

I'll get hold of a stunning dress for the occasion

and I can watch his face as I step off that yacht.

“Was that the flicker of interest from him ?

Or were they really, totally, severely in love ?“

DENNIS: Mrs. Durrell to see you, madam.

I'm sorry to bother you.

Margo left home with a sniffle,

and I wanted to check she's well.

Oh, by the way, I loved the dress you gave Margo.

You have exquisite taste.

Thank you.

And many, many dresses, I gather.

The truth is, like you, I'm a widow,

and, well, I'm struggling.

I was wondering if you might have a spare frock for me.

Oh, of course !

I'm sure we can find something for you,

can't we, Demetrios ?

Dennis.

Pack the purple gown

for Mrs. Durrell.

(sniffing)

Now, I know it's rather showy, but what do you think ?

Say if it's horrible.

Margo ?

I thought I might wear it

on Creech's yacht tomorrow-- for fun, you know.

Well, yes, why not ?

I think you look nice whatever you wear.

Well, thank you, darling.

(bat squeaking)

He hasn't got creatures up there as well, has he ?

THEO: I can't see him.

GERRY: Oh, well.

He can join the others under the floorboards.

(bats squeaking)

You're so generous, Theo.

How can I thank you ?

The pleasure, as a fellow enthusiast, is all mine.

The ancients embalmed their loved ones.

We could have pickled your bat in formaldehyde.

I think that might scare my family.

(door opens)

Look, Mom,

my Center for Scientific Learning.

You don't need to nag me about education anymore.

Excellent.

And eight times seven ?

Um...

Is it in the 50s ?

THEO: Spot on.

It's in the 50s.

I hope you're feeling relaxed

about Leslie's court case.

Oh, hardly.

It's a shame Leslie isn't one of us.

My delight in mollusks

saw me through a bumpy adolescence.

I keep wondering

how I could have steered Leslie differently.

Who knows ?

The experience may do him good.

They say a broken leg grows back stronger

than an unbroken one.

You are wearing it on a boat ?

It's a yacht.

Stop staring at it.

Oh, no.

Really ?

That's a yacht ?

(laughs)

(sighs)

Oh, I can't let

the old fool down.

So now you're not speaking.

What's the matter ?

I'm very drunk.

What ? !

VVhy ? !

Why did you get drunk ?

The sea.

It's a bloody death trap !

I've seen too much.

Since I've retired, it haunts me.

Take me back to shore right now !

No !

I know some sea shanties.

You dare sing one sea shanty, and I'll...

Give me that !

Give me that tiller right now !

Oh, do you know how to sail ?

No !

No, I can't sail,

but I'm a hell of a lot more competent

than you are at this moment !

Ah.

Whoa !

Good.

Help !

I can't swim.

Silly, silly man !

(screams)

(coughing)

CREECH: You'll like this one.

J“ O Blodwyn was a Welsh girl, she came from Cardiff City... J“

This was my chance to feel attractive

and notjust like a bad mother !

J“ She only had one titty ! J“

(laughs)

Thanks for nothing !

CREECH: Don't go !

We were having such a nice day !

This is terrible.

Don't let Louisa see you here.

No, I have to offer my sympathies.

(sighs)

If you say anything nice, I'II cry.

(sighs)

So is nobody going to tell me how Mother's yacht trip went ?

The good news is that if you're put in jail,

youtlbe with my friend Kosti.

He's not going to jail.

It's a ridiculous trumped-up charge.

This is Corfu.

Anything's possible.

Isn't that why we like it here ?

THEO: This innocent young Englishman

should not be standing here today.

Not so innocent.

Before, he was in my police cell

after a drunken brawl.

Well, who among us has not been arrested

for drunken brawling ?

Exactly.

He always carries a gun with him !

JUDGE: Mr. Durrell,

is it true you carry guns ?

Yes.

Why ?

Because the world's a dangerous place, Judge.

JUDGE: Do you not make it

more dangerous ?

LUGARETZIA: Oh, Leslie.

In English, please-- the defendant is...

Leslie isn't gifted or nuanced,

but he's got a kind of visceral

dogged ness.

Paradoxically, he loathes dogs,

so he wouldn't go killing turkeys with Gerry's dog.

No.

Leslie's far more likely to shoot the turkeys...

...on his own.

(crowd murmuring)

(sighs)

THEO: If my client killed your turkeys, as you say,

where are the carcasses ?

(speaking Greek)

(speaking Greek)

He disposed of them.

JUDGE: You are wasting

the time of the court if you have no evidence.

Excellent point.

Thank you.

(translating): Leslie was living with Sotos and Fotis.

Leslie was the one who shot off the lock.

(shouting in Greek)

He's an armed robber.

JUDGE: (shouting in Greek)

JUDGE: These are serious allegations.

We will come back tomorrow.

It wasn't an armed robbery.

Except I suppose, strictly speaking,

I was armed and we did rob somewhere.

Oh, Leslie !

But we only stole some booze; we didn't shoot anybody !

Theo says

the law here is that

you will go to jail if found guilty.

Sotos and Fotis made me !

I couldn't look like a coward.

Lots of people have gone to jail for their beliefs:

Oscar Wilde; Voltaire;

Crazy Horse, the Sioux Indian chief.

I don't believe in stealing cheap Greek whisky !

Stop it !

Why did I bring us here ?

Could've happened to Leslie anywhere.

Where are you going ?

It's about Leslie.

I've no right to ask, and, well,

you could argue that my son is no better than you.

But he is barely an adult,

and if you could say that he wasn't involved

in the robbery,

if you could do the noble thing

and be lenient with him,

well, then maybe the judge would be lenient with you.

(spits)

Maybe.

You're probably not allowed tins, are you ?

(sighs)

(door opens)

(speaking in Greek)

(door closes)

Kalimera.

ALL: Kalimera.

I am dismissing

this case.

The defendant

Leslie Durrell is clearly blameless.

The plaintiff shall give to the defendant

six of his best turkeys

in compensation.

Everyone is dismissed.

Except the Durrell family and legal representatives.

You are implicated in a more serious crime:

the armed robbery of the storehouse.

Let me say this...

No.

However, the co-accused, Sotos and Fotis,

now claim that they acted alone,

for whatever reason.

So there is no case to answer.

But he is

at the top of a slippery slope.

Don't let him fall.

You see ? Worry, it's overrated.

No, apparently worry and parenthood are inseparable.

I am going to sleep for a week.

Right.

Everybody, back to the house for supper !

Spiros, thank you for your legal expertise.

I think we know it was you who made the difference.

I don't know what you mean.

You sold your wedding ring to bribe those two thugs.

Well, I offered shortbread,

but it seems the modern criminal

expects more.

Don't ask.

(sighs)

(chickens clucking)

Bravo, Leslie !

(clucking)

(speaking Greek)

Mother !

My first proper wages !

I'm going to invest in a feather boa.

Well, everybody has to contribute, so...

...invest in half a feather boa.

That is outrageous !

How is the reclusive countess, Margo ?

I may be missing something,

but I find her rather sweet and jolly.

Where are you going ? I'm not telling you.

Not the lavatory, in case you get any ideas.

(laughs)

(sarcastic laughter)

(laughing)

(knocking)

(door opens)

Oh !

There's something I want to say.

Gerry, I know I complain about your creatures, but...

Well, you're serious about this animal business,

aren't you ?

Yes, I am.

Didn't we bury that ?

GERRY: Yes, but I changed my mind and dug it up and stuffed it.

Oh.

GERRY: First you remove the skin,

then you rub non-iodized salt on it,

and then you take the head,

and you...

I want you to have my dress.

Oh, Margo.

I can't !

It's yours.

(laughing)

Is it bat ?

(laughs)

Theo, would you like to say grace ?

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

I added a beard.

(saying “The Lord's Prayer" in Greek)

“Lady Marchmont glimpsed Lord Tim in the distance.

Was that the flicker of interest from him, or..."

Do I have to read this ?

You do if you want to borrow any books.

“She felt hot in places she'd never felt hot before.“

Don't make anything up.

“Seeking ventilation, she went onto her beloved veranda

"and played with her pooch Leonard,

who had always provided distraction at times of crisis."

So...

Leslie, what's that ?

Hm ?

Darling, behind your back ?

A stick.

Just a bit of night shooting, that's all.

What will it take for you to learn ?

(splash)

No.

What a week.

I'm sorry about my little wobble.

No, I checked.

You don't wobble.

(laughs)

That's better.

ii