Original subtitles

Oh. Take a shot!

Hi, Mischa.

Hey.

Woo hoo!

Now, where is she?

What are you doing?

Capturing your beauty.

Put that thing away.

You know I hate being on camera.

All right. All right.

Losing my virginity in college is embarrassing enough.

I don't need you videotaping the whole thing.

Well, I wanted to record our love.

Well, record it in your mind.

Get down. You're embarrassing me.

Whoa!

What are you doing?

I should be asking you the same thing.

I knew you wanted to be an actress but Alexis, porn?

You loser!

Ow!

Oh, your timing was impeccable.

Could you imagine what he could've done with that tape?

Yeah.

If only he didn't see that right hook coming.

That was priceless.

Whatever happened with DJ boy?

Who cares?

Everything would be fine except for the fact

that my mom is so lonely she's calling me every two minutes.

I don't even know what to say to her.

Have you heard from your dad at all?

No.

I'm probably the last person he wants to talk to right now.

I'm screwed. I can't get any guy to love me.

You look like an asshole.

Will you love me?

College guys are such losers.

I can't wait to get out of here.

I'm so sick of being stuck in school.

One day we're gonna be free.

The sun's gonna be on our skin.

The wind in our hair.

It's gonna be awesome.

It's gonna be awesome!

I think it's time we update the list.

Oh, no. The list?

You still have that thing?

I haven't seen that since college.

My numbers have probably doubled.

Okay. Jesse.

What's with men today?

You sleep with them once and then all of a sudden

they lose all respect for you.

It's another sign of the end of civilization.

It's like what that Freud dude said.

Men look for women who are like their mothers.

Well, I am sick of men,

and I am sick of all these momma's boys.

Hey, dude. We need to tally up.

No.

Yes. You have to face the truth sooner or later.

No, look.

Is that your dad in a pimped out 'Vette?

- Alexis? - Dad?

Hey.

Um, I just wanted you to know

I'm gonna leave town for a few weeks.

I left your mother.

I don't think we love each other anymore,

and I wanted to tell you in person.

Is this a joke?

No. No.

I--I realized my life's at least half over,

and I met something that's really, really into me.

Baby? I can't find my sunglasses.

Oh.

Hi, Big Sexy.

Mwah, mwah, mwah.

Did your mom ever call me Big Sexy? No.

You left Mom this morning

and already you're going out of town with this bimbo?

Yeah. It's awesome, isn't it?

Alexis, I have heard so much about you,

about how you're a famous actress.

Hey, Harold. How's it...

Oh.

Hi.

- Linds. - Shari Slutter.

Oh, my God.

I haven't you since high school.

Yes, I'm Shari Sutter!

You're dating someone younger than your own daughter?

Dad, what are you thinking?

It's a miracle?

Okay, we gotta rock. We got a plane to catch.

So, money. Hug.

All right. I got a cell phone.

So if there's an emergency feel free to call.

You girls stay out of trouble or...

- Bye. - Bye.

God, is she into me or what?

I am so mad right now.

I'm crawling out of my skin.

He just tried to buy me off,

and then he's going out of town with some tramp

from our high school?

This is so wrong!

Shari Slutter.

I can't believe it.

I need revenge.

Welcome to the horrifying realization

that your dad is just another horny dude.

Ugh.

But she was really into him.

Ew!

Is that your phone?

It sounds like God is calling.

Oh.

- Hello? - Hello.

Lexie?

It's Maxie.

Are you sitting down? Are you lying down?

Because I got huge news.

I just got a call from Hertz Waters' office

and they want you to come in to read for the lead

in their brand new thriller sci-fi comedy whatever.

This is it, baby.

This could be the break you've been waiting for.

They want to see you today at the studio at four o'clock.

Today?

You're gonna be great.

I love you, doll. Knock 'em dead.

Yeah. Could you give me a little color this time?

Ooh, yeah. That's masculine.

Call me Hertz Waters.

Well, it's nice to finally meet you in person.

Very nice to meet you in person.

Wonderful.

That looks fantastic.

I love bottles. Don't you?

Yes.

Is that it? Is that all I get?

Just to taste, sir.

Oh.

It's terrible. Take it away.

Get it out of here. Send it back.

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

I'll have the sommelier fetch another bottle from our cellar.

Yes. Please.

- Was it really that bad? - I don't know.

I don't drink alcohol.

Oh.

So are we ready to order?

Yes. I think we are. Are you ready?

Yeah.

- What would you like? - Oh, okay.

Go ahead.

- I– - Anything.

Don't let me stop you.

Have you looked at the menu?

Uh, uh-huh.

You can choose anything on the menu.

She can choose anything. Right?

Yes, sir.

I--

I'd like to have the filet of sole and escargot.

And for you, Mr. Waters?

Nothing for me, thank you.

- Very well, sir. - Thank you.

You're not having anything?

No, I had a big pizza before I got here.

Anyway, a toast to the star of my next film.

Sorry.

You know, I have a lot of pull in this town.

Meetings. Networking.

I'm on the phone a lot.

I watch a great deal of television.

I could make things happen to you.

Oops. For you. Very fast.

You've got a lot of talent,

and I've gotta say, you have a great rack.

Uh, that's crude.

Do you know– Let's not talk about your breasts.

Unless you want to.

Do you want to talk about your breasts?

Oh, well, the escargot is here.

Escargot always reminds me

of that scene in "Pretty Woman" when she...

Oh.

"Pretty Woman." You're gonna have to refresh me.

What is that, Pixar? Is that a snail musical?

No.

Anyway. I'm gonna get to the point.

You know, I see a very bright future for you, um--

- Alexis? - Alexis. Thank you.

I see a very bright future for you, Alexis.

I have a little office nearby.

I've got the script in there.

I'm just itching to get you onboard.

Let's go.

But I haven't finished my meal.

Oh, that's all right. I already had pizza.

Oh.

Oh, what about your meal, Madame?

Uh, put it on her tab.

Thank you.

Ooh. Donnie.

Nice.

Alexis Bell, you're next!

Uh-huh.

I'll– I'll call you back.

Good luck.

Miss Bell?

The scene is you're the wealthiest little debutante

in America, okay,

and you are performing a sultry,

sexy ass dance in front of the wealthiest men in the world.

Okay? You with me?

Your motivation? Your greed.

Your vanity has gone to your head,

and, sweetie, you will do anything you can

to keep your ass in the Versace.

You're basically like a crack ho without the crack.

Gold digger.

You're ready, sweetie? Don't blow this.

You, you have one opportunity. Donnie, hit it.

Yeah? What do you think?

Mmm, I'd tap that ass.

Oh.

Okay.

Rowr. Grr.

Climb the pole.

Higher. Higher.

Perfect!

Woo, I think we got ourselves a star.

Good job. Okay, sweetie?

I'm gonna want you to take your little panties off.

I want to see how the, uh, you know,

how the lawn has been trimmed.

See if the carpet matches the drapes. Huh.

Do we have a "V"?

Is it the "V", the landing strip, or nothing at all?

Or did you get one of those afro vaginas?

I, I don't think I can do that.

Um, can I get my clothes back, please?

That's too bad,

because we really thought that you were perfect for this role.

Your agent said you would do just about anything

for a starring role,

and that's the type of person this character is.

She would do anything for an offer like this.

Anything!

Well?

You know what?

I got an idea.

How about you two bozos get up here,

drop trou, and let's see who has the better offer.

- Okay. - No! No.

I was just kidding.

You're through!

Never work in this town again.

I know, Donnie.

You will never work in this town again.

You're nothing!

You're through!

Yummy.

This isn't a cigarette!

♪ Baby, I see you walking in your blonde hair ♪

♪ And black boots ♪

♪ Looking like a rodeo clown ♪

What are you doing in my house?

Get out of my house!

Woo-hoo!

- Hello, Lexie! - Hey, Jesse.

What's up, man?

You're home.

There was this crazy snowboard convention downtown,

so I totally thought that I'd throw you a party.

I'd get you wasted so you'd forget about all your troubles.

I made my best batch of liquid crack ever.

What the hell were you thinking, Lindsay?

I know. I know.

Come with me.

I'm gonna get you laid tonight, Alexis.

Don't you mess this up for me.

Oh, no, thank you.

I don't wanna see who you hooked me up with.

Okie dokie, Mrs. Hasn't-Been-Laid.

Hey! That's my weed!

Oh, we'll get you some more.

Just relax.

Is smells like patchouli in there.

Hippies.

Alex.

Welcome home. You need a drink?

Marcus, I can see you're making yourself at home

in my kitchen again.

I guess I am just a guy

who embraces his feminine side.

No surprise there.

Oh!

Oh, no.

I guess we're gonna have to get you out of those clothes.

- Come here, sweetheart. - Butterfingers.

Stop touching me.

What up, dog?

Damn, Alexis. You're looking good tonight.

- Babe? - Get off of me.

We're going to the garage.

- No. - You can't go out there.

Why? What's in the garage?

Lacy's giving Kendra the smack down.

One! Two! Three! She's down!

Oh.

Jesse, um, could you see if

Lindsay has any extra crop tops or tube tops I could borrow.

Mine's totally ruined.

Oh, Lacy?

Does your mom know that you're a whore?

No. Wait.

Yeah. Whatever.

Your man wants a piece of this.

You rag.

That's it! I'm sick of you

and all your snowboarding diva crowd.

- It's on! - Let's get dirty!

That's it! Party's over!

Everyone out of my house!

What? Is there a problem?

Sorry to bother you so late,

but apparently there's been some noise complaints

from your neighbors.

Bullshit.

- Excuse me? - That's a lie!

I know it for a fact because all my neighbors are here.

You know, I could arrest you for obstruction of justice.

I'd like to see you try and explain that one to your mom,

Bobby.

We broke up six months ago.

It's time for you to move on.

I was hoping maybe we could work something out, you know?

Go see a hockey game together.

I brought you some milk.

You got regular milk?

Bread? I told you.

We didn't need any more bread.

What happened?

That dingle berry Jesse knocked you out.

Jell-O wrestling? Seriously, Linds?

What were you thinking?

It sounded like a good idea at the time.

Uh, I thought she was you. The shirt says Lindsay.

Oops. Bye.

No.

He wouldn't.

Okay.

Holler if you need anything.

I love you, Alex.

I know.

You top it off with a hot dog in the bun?

Would you like a little mustard with that?

Unbelievable.

Come on. Can't we talk about this?

Hit the road, Jack.

Morning, Miss Sunshine.

Look at this.

Those hippies raided my stash, no thanks to you.

I know. I know.

It was a bad idea. I'm sorry.

Well, now we gotta go to Evan's shop and re-up.

I've got the worst headache ever.

Back so soon?

- Yep. - All right.

You ladies can step inside now.

Ah, It's the Barbie Twins. Welcome.

Ooh, Alexis, your aura seems very intense today.

You feeling all right?

I need my medicine.

It's an emergency.

You smoked the entire ounce already?

Praise Jah!

Well, you ladies are in luck

because we just got these new strains in today.

- Welcome to my paradise. - Whoa.

I'll take a quarter of the Topanga OG

and a quarter of the PK Ultra.

Ah, a taste of paradise.

- Travis. - What's up, man?

How's my ninja?

Evan, dude.

Shay, man. Good to see ya.

What's up, man? What you got here?

I didn't know you kept such fine company.

Ah, say hello to my angels Lindsay and Alexis.

Hello angels.

Hey.

So what you all doin' tonight?

You gotta come to our show. My crew's performing.

Oh. Cool.

Yeah, we'll be there.

All the information is on the flyer.

Doors open at nine p.m.

We'll see you there. All right?

I'm okay. I can't see.

Dude, open your eyes, man.

I'm gonna go and get us some drinks.

Okay.

Oh, don't look now,

but there's some fine male specimen over there.

Okay, that'll be thirty-two seventy-five.

For two drinks?

Yea, and that doesn't include tip either.

Oh, no you didn't.

Oh, yes I did.

You just got bitch slapped by Ms. Independence.

Consider yourself lucky.

Let's review the rules.

Any men in my vicinity are mine.

So just make your way back to the tuna boat

or wherever it is you came from, okay.

Because you're starting to attract seagulls.

Hey. Chill.

You better run, Miss Thing.

Eighty-six!

Eighty-six!

Eighty-six her!

Hey, Alex? Red alert.

Huh?

I think we should get out of here.

This place is weird.

I just got bitch-slapped by some queen.

Where's Shay and his friends?

I'm not going anywhere.

I've never seen so many hot guys in one place in my life.

Would you pull your head out of your ass?

Why do you think there are so many good-looking guys?

I don't know. Isn't it great?

and they're such good dancers.

Did you just hear what I said?

- What? - There she is!

Get them!

- Nice dress. - Thanks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you all doin' over there? Y'all missed the show.

We just performed right here.

We just stopped by for a couple of drinks, but we gotta go.

We'll catch the next show.

But, but we, we can still hang out, babes--

See? The black guy scares the little white girls again.

No, I think it was the Asian guy

that scared the white girls this time.

Dude, I'm five foot two.

You're like a little troll or somethin', man.

Stop talking like I'm a twelve-year-old kid.

You look like a twelve-year-old kid.

- I'm forty-two. - What, inches high?

No, long.

Yeah, right, with a microscope.

Classic night.

We go hunting for men at a gay club.

Yeah. Great detective work, Holmes.

At least I wasn't the one who got bitch-slapped.

Whatever. At least I didn't get double-teamed

on the dance floor by Menudo.

Yeah, well, thanks for leaving me to deal

with the Barbarian Twins.

I jammed my freakin' pinkie. God, it hurts.

Yeah, but that right jab was hot ass.

Ugh, another gas guzzling vehicle going for a joyride.

You know who's behind the wheel of that beast?

Some five-foot-two housewife.

It's Operation Desert Soccer Mom.

You girls goin' out for a late night cruise?

What's up?

You all should pull over and smoke a blunt with us.

Check this out.

Do you always whip it out and show it off like that?

My moms always said, "You got it.

Don't be scared to flaunt it."

Are we gonna do this?

Yes.

- Really? - Shut up.

I can't believe you all went to the wrong club.

The peeps at the Lady Marmalade ain't too friendly with women.

But the catfight was on.

See you chasing dude all down the block.

Word.

I like a woman who can kick some ass,

throw me around in the sack a little,

and show me who's boss.

Oh, you wanna play games, huh?

She wants to play games.

Me too.

Wow.

I know you want a slice of this.

Yeah.

There is something you should know about me.

As a rule, I don't sleep with guys I can bench press.

Don't write me off so fast.

I'm not afraid of a strap-on.

Oh, my God.

A strap-on? Come on, man.

Can you believe it?

Now we have a selection to choose from.

I say we take them back to the pad.

Are you serious?

That Travis guy is ridiculous.

So take a pick from one of the other four. Come on.

I read it in a book. They like it.

Dude, you're about to blow it for me, okay?

We're in.

I'm trying to get in.

We're at the door.

Open. We're in.

- Trav. - Okay.

Remember.

Focus.

So you ladies done deliberatin'?

Good 'cause I made up my mind.

Y'all riding with us.

We'll take care of the drinks. Follow you back to your crib.

Please?

And get it poppin'.

Poppin'.

Don't touch me.

Go figure the Hummer runs out of gas.

Yeah, but this is such good exercise for our asses.

Right there. That's good.

Your savior has arrived.

Goddamn, girl.

Ever since I saw you down at the shop,

I couldn't get that badonk-a-donk out of my mind.

It's like a perfect ass. It's a healthy ass.

I see an ass like that on a white girl,

oh my goddamn, that's abnormal.

You must work out, girl.

- A little. - Me?

I go to the gym for three hours a day every day.

Mmm.

You like that? Sexy ass girl.

Come here.

Yeah, that look good.

I gotta have me some of this.

After that last Red Bull and vodka, I could go all night.

I knew you were a dirty birdie.

I can see you like to be the man in the relationship.

That's cool.

I like a woman who wears the pants.

You're like a tiger, and I'm your weeping prey.

Pounce on me. Eat me. I'm yours. I'm right here.

It's French. Come on.

Easy.

All right. Cool. Playing hard to get.

I can feel the heat from your fire.

The flames are rising up.

Take me. I'm yours.

Don't ruin it.

Oh. Explore the cave.

That's the spot. That's the spot!

Ah, I can't breathe! Can't breathe!

Tap out! Tap out!

This is a good position, huh?

We have to trade our positions.

Come here. I'm gonna get up.

Ooh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, oh, yeah. Oh.

Man, I'm just getting started.

Oh.

That's so nice.

Yeah.

I wanna make you my woman.

Come home to you and a home-cooked meal every day.

You see these?

These are childbearing hips right here, baby.

I ain't ready to leave yet, man.

So, uh, thanks for stopping by.

Just be grateful. Come on. Let's bounce.

Thank you for your hospitality.

Oh. Whoa.

Just in the neighborhood. Thought I'd drop off your mail.

So sorry to bother you.

I didn't realize you had company.

There's a parking ticket here.

It says you were in Marina del Rey at five a.m.

on June Third.

You know, I normally don't have a problem paying your bills,

but I'll be damned if I shell out fifty bucks

while you're getting pounded by some other guy.

Listen, Bobby.

You need to stop coming by the house and harassing me.

You need professional help.

Professional help.

Hey, you're practically the professional now

the way you're off screwing everyone.

You should be charging by the hour.

Nice serving of Catholic guilt,

but I'm not gonna help you go through your midlife crisis.

Thanks for the four in the morning mail delivery.

I'll send you the money to pay the ticket.

If I have to deal with one more self-absorbed male.

Don't they know that it's all about me?

It's always the most unassuming guys that are the best in bed.

Damn, that little Travis knew how to work it.

I just want a guy that knows how to please

and knows his way around a woman's body.

The perfect man is the guy that knocks on your door,

gives you the best shag of your life, and then leaves.

No questions asked.

Exactly.

It's like Disneyland.

At the end of the night, the rides are over and you go home.

Just imagine in a perfect world,

there's a knock at the door...

Hi, I'm Zack.

I'm intelligent, entertaining, and handy around the house.

I'll attend to your every need,

give you the best sex of your life, and then I'll leave.

When could I get started?

Where would we find such a man?

Oh, my God. There it is.

- What? - The perfect guy.

Hi, ladies!

- Oh, my God! - We have to help him.

I think he needs CPR.

I took first aid. I know proper mouth-to-mouth.

Are you angels?

Am I in Heaven yet?

That's quite a nasty wound.

I've got a first aid kit in my bathroom.

Let's bring him in.

Wow. Thanks for helping me.

You guys really are like angels.

Alexis, do you mind running to the kitchen

and putting on the kettle?

Oh. Sure.

Let me take care of that wound.

Oh, and look how dirty you are.

You're lucky you didn't get concussion.

You know what they say is good for a concussion.

Aspirin?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ride me like a wave.

Saddle up for my seahorse.

Here comes "Moby Dick."

Hang ten, baby.

Tell me I'm your dolphin. Tell me I'm your dolphin!

You're my dolphin!

Look at that fine piece of meat!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, making out with that guy was great,

until I busted his nose with the shower curtain.

But, man, I can't believe how easy it was.

First he knocks himself out with a surfboard.

Then when we revive him, all he wants to do is get it on.

Yeah.

Maybe we should just be clubbing men over the head?

Think about it.

Thousands of years ago,

men used to club women over the head

and drag them back to their cave for sex.

That's not such a bad idea.

You're right.

Women have been treated like that for centuries.

Now it's our turn.

Quick! He's coming this way!

What are you doing?

Stop messing around, dude. Get into character.

All right. Let's go.

Oh, man, it was amazing.

Well, of course, I'm not gonna be late.

I'll be there in like five, ten minutes.

There's the surf meat.

Tango identified at eleven o'clock.

Yeah, no, I'll be there right now.

I can pick you up if you want.

Yeah, no, I can pick you up.

- Hi. - Hi.

Just one second, all right?

- Hi. - Hello.

No, no. I'll be there in like ten minutes.

All right, man. Bye.

- Yes! - Woo!

Woo!

Are we gonna get arrested for taking his car?

Woo!

You're crazy!

I can't believe we pulled it off!

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Together we're like a well-oiled man eating machine.

- Yeah. - Woo!

I got a blue Mustang south on Balboa.

Exhibition of speed.

I can't believe the timing.

Do you think he saw us?

Nah, it can't be.

Shit!

Act like everything is normal.

Okay. Do I look normal?

Shh.

You have quite a nasty bump on your head.

What happened? Where am I?

What, what time is it?

Uh, we just came home from work and you were loading your car,

and then all of a sudden you just collapsed.

We rushed right over to see if you were okay.

Uh-huh.

You were knocked out cold so we had to bring you inside.

- What happened to-- - Shh. Shh.

- Oh, but– - Shhh.

I, I'm sorry but...

Wait. Wait.

I– I'm sorry, but what time is it?

I'm supposed to be on at four thirty.

Go on?

It's four o'clock now.

Oh, blast.

I can't believe it.

I'm gonna miss the conference.

I'm supposed to be the keynote speaker.

Slow down. What conference?

The Jehovah's Witness Missionary Conference.

Oh, God.

They're gonna be worried sick.

Probably have the Coast Guard out looking for me.

You're not from around here?

No. No, no.

I--I'm from London.

- Ooh. - England?

Oh.

Anyway, this was my last stop on the way to Cambodia.

You see, we're setting up an orphanage in Phnom Penh,

and I thought I could get some surfing in this morning.

Oh, God, how foolish of me.

Now I've really, really done it.

You could still make it.

No. No, no. That's impossible.

I mean this is an absolute shambles.

My brothers are gonna be so let down.

I mean what am I gonna tell them?

Look, I, I'm...

I'm sorry, this isn't your problem.

You've both been absolutely lovely,

but I really must get going now.

No.

Um, you don't feel well.

Let me get you a cold washcloth for your forehead.

And some aspirin.

- Well, no, I-- - No! You stay!

Sit! Sit.

Good boy. Sit. Come on.

What are you doing?

You're ruining it, you dork.

I think this one is a catch and release.

Mmm-mmm.

Look at him. He's a saint.

I mean he wanted to open an orphanage in– in Cambodia.

I feel awful.

He missed his conference and now the Coast Guard

is gonna come down here,

and then Bobby is gonna be all over our ass.

Will you forget about Bobby? This one's a keeper.

Jehovah's Witness come by every day.

Well, they're never this cute!

You had your guy. This guy's mine!

Okay, cranky pants.

So, I--I couldn't find any aspirin,

but I think I know what can make you feel better.

Oh.

Just come with me.

I should really get going now.

Come on. It's in my room.

Come.

Oh, yes. You naughty, naughty little monkey.

You're about to see a very, very bad Jehovah.

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

Where do you think you're going, my little chipmunk?

No, you don't.

Here are the shots I got off the Internet.

Here's the beach, our house, and the surf shop.

In between the beach and our house is the men's bathroom.

The plan is we hide in the men's bathroom

and wait for a target to approach.

When the target is within striking range, we attack!

Rendering him incapacitated.

At zero nine hundred hours,

Chode Warrior and Ball Buster rendezvous here to surveil.

Roger that, Ball Buster.

- Hi, ladies. - Hi.

I think I found a possible target.

I need confirmation, Ball Buster.

- Where? - Eleven o'clock.

Tango identified, Chode Warrior.

Affirmative.

Don't act until target's within reach.

Now!

Oh, excuse me.

I was just washing some sex wax off my chest.

Do you use Mr. Zog's?

This, this is the, uh, men's room.

Oh, I didn't see the sign.

So, uh, do you come here often?

When I gotta take a leak, yup.

I'm kidding.

I got a– I got a little place up the street.

Oh, really? Uh, where do you live?

Between Eighteenth and Balboa?

Wow. That close?

- Oh! - Ow.

Oh, um...

Ah, gee, I'm sorry.

I didn't--are you okay?

Nice recovery.

Quick. Pack this meat up and take it back to the base "ASAP".

Okay.

What does "ASAP" mean?

Now.

Okay. Got it.

How are you feeling?

Ow.

Ow. What, what happened?

Don't worry. You're in safe hands now.

Oh.

You're the girl from the bathroom, right?

Your memory is coming back.

- Uh. - Oh.

Oh, that bump on your head is awfully big.

Ow. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm, I'm, I'm fine.

Wow.

How sweet of you to take care of me.

Yeah.

I feel like maybe I need to repay the favor.

Probably. Yeah.

How about a foot massage?

I'm really good with my hands.

Okay?

You know, so being Catholic

and coming from that kind of family,

just very sort of, uh, spiritual

and just, um, just really family motivated.

God, I must have, oh, nineteen nieces and nephews and,

ah, we're just, we're all so close.

My older brother Bobby, he married,

uh, a girl in Wisconsin and they have, uh, five.

I love kids.

Did you want to have children someday?

Uh, not anytime soon.

Ah.

Mmm, I just love cuddling after sex.

Could you just, uh, give me a minute?

I'll see you downstairs.

Oh.

Hi.

Um, good morning.

Um, there you are.

A little fresh squeezed orange juice,

and my specialty, crepes and fritters.

You know, a little French meets the South.

Oh, uh, don't, don't– Um, hold on.

And a little dab will do it.

- There. - Wow.

You're good.

We need somebody domestic around the house.

How's that head doin'?

Oh. No, the-- Yeah. It's as good as new. Really.

I gotta tell ya.

That friend of yours tickles the hell out of my funny bone.

You know, for a seasoned hard ass,

it is very unusual for a woman to make me laugh like that.

She kind of reminds me of one of the guys,

except much better boobs.

Yeah.

She's practically a man with a vagina.

Well. Good morning, pookie!

I hope you're famished.

Ah, here you go.

So, Jared, what do you do for fun?

Well, actually, I'm a-- I'm a musician.

I know it gets a little boring talking about that with friends,

but I've been known to trade a few licks with the best of 'em.

But I guess you already know that, right?

That's so cool.

Well, uh, bon appétit, Mademoiselles.

No, thank you.

Uh, I feel like I'm gonna be sick.

Aunt Flo making her monthly visit?

Are you delusional?

Do you actually think we're in a relationship?

We met in a bathroom. Had sex.

I don't even remember your name.

Do you think that we're gonna walk down the aisle

in a few months and exchange vows?

Well, I just thought that we had a connection?

Why don't you pack your bags and go back to momma

because I am not the woman

that's gonna be playing house with you. Okay?

I'll just get my clothes.

These are mine.

Oh. That was harsh.

Good. Like you can talk.

You only like guy because he was cooking for you.

Well, you don't have to be such a bitch about it.

Would you just let me vent.

I had to listen for three hours

about how he made a trip to a guru in India

and he got all spiritual.

Well, any guy that can cook and massage is good in my book.

And his name is Jared, not "guy".

- Whatever. - I want my crepe back.

God dammit.

We need to implement a catch and release program.

Now, if we can't agree on a suitable target,

then we're gonna set them free,

and no more of these younger guys.

I can't handle any more momma's boys.

Okay. New rule.

No guys under the age of thirty.

If we're gonna go as far as to knock these guys out,

we gotta get guys with their shit together.

Older guys are more stable.

There's always exceptions to the rule.

Stop calling me.

Is he out of his mind?

Stop calling me!

Bobby, what is your problem?

Why are you hounding me?

We're never gonna get back together. Ever!

Nice one.

Alexis? Alexis, are you there?

Really nice one.

I feel much better.

I had to release some of that anger.

Alexis, Lindsay, you're home!

- Hello? - Oh, that's great.

I can hear you guys loud and clear.

You can hear what we're saying?

Just let me know if you need any groceries or anything.

Oh, I dug through your trash and noticed an empty box of tampons.

You guys will need to restock soon because, Alexis,

you're about four days away from starting your period,

and, Lindsay, that means you're not far off either.

I'll have to make a run to Costco

for the Tampax Deluxe Pack.

The applicator is biodegradable, you know.

Don't worry about anything, girls.

You won't even have to get off the couch.

That doesn't sound so bad.

Stop it. You're encouraging him.

I also noticed you guys have gone through

a lot of condoms.

I hope that's all you, Lindsay.

I'll be disappointed, Alexis,

if you've been out whoring around.

I don't wanna get an STD when we get back together.

How long have you been bugging our house?

Just since you were out shopping,

dropping off your videos, and getting sushi.

Bobby, this is way over the line.

This is beyond stalking.

What the hell is that?

Oh, this?

I got it from a nifty store.

Grant's Gun Shop.

I just thought it was perfect for what we're getting into.

You should see the other stuff they have.

Check this out.

Is there anything I can help you ladies with?

No, just browsing. Thanks.

Let me know if you need any help.

Name's Jodie.

Lookin' for something in particular?

Uh, what are these things for?

Oh.

This, this is for the serious sportsman.

It gives you the thrill of the hunt

without actually having to kill or maim.

Best darn dart gun on the market.

Wow. Impressive.

What do you hunt with that thing?

That all depends.

What suits your fancy?

Let me show you guys something

that I think will be of interest to you.

Well, ladies, have I got somethin' to show you.

I must add that everything you're about to do and say

within these four walls is now classified.

Wait 'til you get a load of this.

This is my trophy room.

Who are all these guys?

My collection.

I must commend you ladies on your

imaginative approach to your new sport.

What are you talking about?

Don't play dumb with me, cutie.

Takes one to know one.

Let's just put it that way.

Oh, come with me.

Now that you're dressed for combat,

I'm gonna show you a couple of things.

Nice.

Did you see that?

I'm not even showin' off yet.

That's amazing.

Look, I don't know why you brought us down here.

Really?

Well, the impression I got the last time

your friend here came to visit

was that we ain't talkin' about huntin' no small game.

What was that that you bought?

Oh, yeah, the Taser X-26 Professional Series?

- Yeah, that was it. - What are you trying to say?

There's no need to get defensive, darlin'.

I just like to pass on a few pearls of wisdom

to the next generation, as it were.

Let me tell you a story.

I was twenty-seven. Never been laid.

I was fed up and overfed.

Then along came Grant.

He was the five-time reigning champion

of the Douglas County Annual Raccoon Hunt.

Coincidentally, my daddy had just me a beautiful

new twelve-gauge shotgun,

and I decided to take it out duck hunting that day.

I had wandered deep into the blind.

So deep in fact that I crossed over

into the property where the coon huntin' was being held.

I had this beautiful mallard in my sights, took aim, and fired!

And there was this cry of pain.

That was the night I took home my husband.

The relationship only lasted three months

until Grant died of lead poisoning.

I'd have been put away for life too,

but they never could find all them damn pellets.

I made a vow that day

that I would never, ever

use lead buckshot again.

So you see. We are a tribe.

I can't believe you caught that.

Just quick reflexes, I guess.

I better get a screw to fix this.

Oh, my God. He is gorgeous.

What are you waiting for? He's prime cut.

I don't know, dude.

That meet needs to be played and laid.

Here we go. It should only take a few seconds.

Here, let me help you.

What you wanna do is

put the screw inside the hole

nice and smoothly and then--

Sounds like you really know what you're talking about.

Yeah, I, um, aced shop in high school.

Really?

Pretty weird for a girl, huh?

Hello?

Are you gonna take care of business,

or are we moving on here?

Just give me a minute!

Um, so, I haven't seen you around.

Yeah, I just moved here from Santa Cruz.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

You should come by.

We, we just live up the block so...

Yeah. I-I'd love to. Let me get your number.

I really like your place.

Thanks.

How do you afford a place like this?

My dad covers the rent.

Geez.

Dad must be a cool guy.

I think he's just trying to buy me off.

Oh, you and your dad don't get along?

He left my mom for a twenty-two-year-old bimbo.

Oh. I'm sorry to hear that.

What about your family?

My parents are insane.

Total hippies, uh, they live on the beach in Kauai.

They don't have much but, hey,

at least they're still in love.

It seems tough to make marriages work these days.

It's like we're all programmed to believe

that we have to get married and have kids.

Otherwise we're doomed.

I don't know.

I kind of like the idea of finding true love.

I guess I'm just old fashioned.

Like you know when you go to sleep thinking about somebody,

and they're the first thing on your mind when you wake up in the morning?

Yeah?

What do you crave after a day on the slopes?

Babes.

- Is that you? - Oh, no.

Brews.

Brew Brothers, it's good, ya?

Brew Brothers Beer is not responsible for good behavior,

reckless acts, or excessive intoxication.

I didn't know you were an actress.

That's not acting. That's embarrassing.

I liked it.

You should be proud of it.

Why? I'm wearing a bikini selling beer.

It's every guy's dream, right?

No, I, I, mean it.

I, I really am. I'm proud of you.

You're proud of me.

It's not like I'm saving the world or anything.

What about you? What about your career aspirations,

Surf Shop boy?

Whoa.

I can see you don't take compliments very well.

Look, you're getting defensive for no reason.

Let's– let's not ruin this.

You're like the coolest girl I've ever met.

I should go.

- What's wrong? - I just...

I think we should take things slow.

- I don't-- - I don't want to do anything that we might regret.

You would regret making out with me.

No, I would love to make out with you. Believe me.

- I just-- - I just think we should get to know each other better.

Isn't that how we get to know each other?

I'm serious.

Wow. Wow.

Okay. Yeah, I just got shot down.

Usually guys just want to get me into bed.

I'm sure most guys do, but I'm not like most guys.

I realized a guy has to be good to talk to.

It's not just about the sex.

Me and Tyler connected on an intellectual level,

after you woke up.

I'm glad we didn't sleep together.

Maybe a little make out session is all I really needed.

Right.

That Tyler hit was so easy.

I mean we didn't even plan anything.

It's like he just fell out of the sky.

Yeah.

It was almost like it was meant to be.

So? What's our next mission?

What?

I wonder what Tyler's doing tonight.

Namaste.

Baby!

Hi, little sug-ums.

Sug-ums. Sug-ums. Sug-ums. Sug-ums.

You are just in time for the game.

I made us Mojitos with the little fresh mint,

just the way you like it,

and, oh, dinner's gonna be in forty-five minutes.

So in case you're hungry beforehand,

I got some cheese and crackers and bruschetta.

Whatever you say, babe.

You all right in there, babe?

I'm fine!

I'll be there in a minute!

Thank you.

So, what's for dinner?

Oh, I just ordered us a pizza.

How did the oven door get open?

Aaah!

Check out the street meat.

All right, I want you to watch this.

I'm gonna prove to you

that a woman can get any man she wants.

This is not a test of beauty.

This is a test of confidence.

Put this on.

All right. Move it, girl.

Woo hoo!

You boys like what you see?

It's got tits. I say we go for it.

Hey, ladies.

What are you up to tonight?

You guys wanna make plans with us?

Why don't you boys jump in the back

and we'll take you for a ride.

Sounds, uh, sounds good to me. I'm Brad.

This is my buddy Chet, and Steve.

- Hey. - Hey.

What are you guys waiting for? Let's go.

I tell ya what. Let's go crack these brews up at that park.

How's that sound?

Now you're talkin' my language.

I knew I liked you.

- Uh-huh. - All right.

All right. Party!

Yeah!

Dude, what is up with these masks?

Who cares? We're getting laid.

Is this good?

I'm gonna go look for some firewood.

You wanna come with?

All right.

You boys want play a game with me?

- Yeah. - Kinky.

Let's sit down and relax for a bit.

This is a romantic spot, don't you think?

God, there must be a million stars up there.

Isn't this fun?

Chet? Chet?

What? Yeah, Brad?

Oh!

You know, you seem like a really cool girl,

and a really good person.

You think I'm a good person?

Well, you trust me enough

to be out here alone with you, right?

Usually if a person is trusting of other people

it means that they're a trustworthy person.

You think so?

Uh, you trust me, right?

Let's go see what Jodie is doing.

Would you--? Wait. Just hold on a second.

Just calm down.

Just sit here and hang out with me, just for a minute.

No, I think I should go. Jodie is gonna worry.

Shh. Shh. Just come here.

Let's just get out of here.

Ooh. Why are you in such a hurry?

I'm out of here. I'm serious.

Why are you turning into such a bitch all of a sudden?

I mean what's your problem?

Get off of me!

No little slut's gonna say no to me.

Watch me.

Thank God you're here.

You just learned a powerful lesson.

Never let the target take control.

You bag 'em and tag 'em right off the bat.

- Hey! - Hey!

Get back here you crazy bitch!

Steve!

Bobby, is that you?

Ow!

This isn't funny, Bobby.

It's me.

Jesus.

You scared the crap out of me.

I lost my key.

Get in here.

Shh.

Where the hell were you?

I was on a night op.

- All by yourself? - Yeah.

Jodie taught me a few things.

You wouldn't have noticed because you've been too busy

with your home economics project.

I'm really starting to worry about you.

Oh, really?

Because I think it's you we should be worried about.

You know what? I'm going to bed.

Just don't track any more of your dirt in here.

I cleaned up all day.

Really?

Because I, uh, think you missed a spot.

Where?

My ass.

I think somebody else already cleaned up in there tonight.

Touché.

You and I are going on a series of missions.

They are training exercises

to build confidence and improve skill.

I will videotape each and every encounter

so that we can track your progress

on the techniques I will instruct you in.

We begin with basic compliance techniques.

I am ready.

The first male that we have spotted here

at this lakeside location

looks like a stray who has ventured away from his pack.

He is obviously intoxicated

and is unaware of his surroundings.

The lioness on her late night prowl gains ground.

Stealthfully, she moves through the night

waiting for the perfect time to pounce.

And the lioness takes her prey.

Whoa!

Lock in on the tall drink of water.

- You got him? - Uh-huh.

Nice shot, ace.

I am so proud of you.

You've come such a long way.

Thanks, boss.

Oh.

What the hell? What time is it?

Open the door, Alexis. It's an emergency.

It's always an emergency with you, Bobby. Isn't it?

You're a psycho, Bobby. Just go away.

I'm not in the mood to deal with one of your episodes.

Picked her up at the station.

Apparently she was harassing some local patrons

at a bar brandishing this.

Jesus, Lindsay. Get in here!

Are you ready to talk about this, Lindsay?

Yes.

Listen, I'm going to bed.

I'll call and check on you guys in the morning.

What's goin' on?

Who the hell is this?

Take it easy, Bobby. It's my boyfriend, Tyler.

Let me guess.

You woke up after being knocked unconscious

with a face full of cleavage and a boner that wouldn't quit.

How'd you know?

Alexis didn't tell you?

That's how she gets all her guys.

It's not enough she'll rip your heart out.

No, she's gotta knock you unconscious first.

Yeah, I used to be a man once, until I lost my sack to her.

I know about everything.

- Is that true? - Yes?

But you're the last guy I knocked out.

I swear.

I quit when I met you.

Tyler, I love you.

You know, Alexis?

You really are a pretty good actress.

You fooled me.

You ladies have a wonderful evening.

Well, maybe if you hadn't had gone

all psycho Stepford-wife on me,

then maybe I wouldn't have gone out on my own.

Well, maybe if knew how to communicate better,

I would've known what kind of trouble you were in

and stopped you from going all "Fatal Attraction."

Well, maybe if you hadn't had fallen for that guy so fast

I would have felt like I still had a friend to turn to.

Puh-lease. Give me a break.

If you were half the friend I was to you--

- No, you! - You!

You!

You more!

Seriously, Linds, we need to talk.

Maybe we're acting out in aggressive ways

to cover up deeper issues.

What issues?

Why did we start knocking guys out in the first place?

Because we're good at kicking ass?

We've been calling these guys out for being momma's boys

when the whole time we're taking out our anger on them

'cause we're pissed off at our dads.

What do our dads have to do with this?

That emotionally crippling lying cheating bastard

has nothing to do with the fact

that I knock guys over the head and have sex with them.

Lindsay, ever since your father left,

you've been like the bottomless pit of men.

I just want to see you respect yourself more.

I thought I could make Tyler love me

by acting like somebody I'm not!

And maybe if I acknowledged that I had a problem

then I could maybe do something about it.

Come here.

Give me some sugar.

Hey! Daddy's little girl, welcome.

Welcome.

So what do you think of the new pad?

It's new.

Yeah, it is,

unlike that dump you grew up in.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean this is nice and new.

Old, old things are bad.

New, uh, new is good. Believe me.

Speaking of new, honey, you remember Shari.

Hi, Alexis.

I am so glad you could join us.

I made your dad's favorite casserole.

Isn't that Mom's recipe, Dad?

Yeah? Who?

- Mom? - What? Uh...

Honey, you know what?

I'm gonna show, uh, Alexis my office.

She's never seen my office.

Have fun!

I'm cooking.

Well, well, well.

See that picture?

Funny story, that's the moment Shari and I met.

I think it was...

Remember that week your mom went to Europe with her girlfriends?

It was--it was that very week.

I'm really glad you came over for dinner, finally.

Because I want you to feel part of this family too.

Look, Dad, I need to talk to you about this.

My life has been spinning out of control,

and I felt like I really needed my dad.

Okay. All right.

I'll write you a check. How much do you need your dad?

No, that's not gonna fix it this time.

When you left mom it felt like you deserted me too.

Well, I--

I– I always thought you were so strong and independent.

- I didn't think you needed– - Dad.

You're only as strong as your support system.

Well, I--I–

I never meant to hurt you, honey.

I mean I just knew my life was half over,

and I wanted to have fun for the rest of it.

Look, I get it. You wanna have fun.

I want you to have fun.

Just don't be so selfish.

You still have a daughter.

Don't forget about me.

You're right. You're right.

I'm sorry.

You need a hug.

Hello?

- Lindsay? - Hey, there.

I was wondering how your night went.

After I mustered all the self-control

I had in my body not to punch Shari in the teeth,

I actually had a good conversation with my dad.

I said what I needed to say.

What's that noise?

I'm just brushing my teeth.

Yeah, right. You're busted.

So when are you coming home?

Tonight.

I wouldn't have stayed, but my Dad insisted.

Yay!

Because guess who gave me two all-inclusive spa packages?

- Who? - Bobby.

Oh, that's so awesome.

I am so tense. I really need a massage.

Oh, yeah. So when you get back,

we are gonna get the kind of rest and relaxation

that we deserve.

Gourmet Spa, will you hold?

Wow. Check this place out.

I could get used to this.

May I help you ladies with anything?

Hi. We're here for two deluxe spa packages.

It's under the name Bell.

Let me see.

Yes, I have the names Bell and Greene

listed for two deluxe packs.

What does the deluxe pack include?

Well, the deluxe pack includes

massage, facial,

steam, manicure, pedicure,

and the Foley.

The Foley. Oh, you mean exfoliation.

No.

The Foley is a treatment that we offer here at the spa.

We send a young male specialist to your room

who's designed to suit your every need.

They come in adorable, athletic, and petit.

They're great at greasing you up

and working out any tensions that you may have.

My axle needs some greasing if you know what I mean.

Oh, I forgot to mention, um,

we've got these.

Oh.

You've received the exclusive VIP invitation.

Bobby totally hooked us up.

Totally.

Tell you what.

Why don't you ladies have a seat in our lounge

and somebody will be right with you

to take you to your treatments.

Lavonne, get your ass down here.

Okay, Lindsay.

Are you ready for your treatment?

Yes, I am ready to be pampered.

Yay.

Well, just close your eyes

and let yourself drift off.

Is that like the warm-up?

No, honey. This is it.

Well, could I have a little more pressure or something?

Child, I'm trying, but I can't get through this layer of fat.

So can we please just get through this?

I'm sorry. I'm just not used to it.

Child, we in the same boat, and I don't even like fish.

Have you not tried salmon?

No, I prefer sausage.

Ah, this is nice.

Okay.

Okay.

Let's see what we got.

Oh, my God.

Your pores, they're like moon craters.

The Eagle has landed.

I never seen so many blackheads.

Oh. Oh. Easy.

Um, could you, um, do that a little softer please?

Oh, I'm sorry. Did that hurt?

It's just your skin.

It's so tough like-- like leather boot.

I think I'm going to have to use some special product.

Something to help with the aging.

Oh! I. Can't. Breathe.

Ah, that's nice and neatness.

Oh.

Oh, yes, you're gonna like this one.

The cooling cleansing mask, that's right.

That's good? Yeah? Ah.

Are--are you sure this is the cooling mask?

It's--it's starting to burn.

Yes, I know. I used it once myself,

and it burned me so bad I promised never to use it again.

Get this stuff off of me!

Now it's time for your Dead Sea kelp body mask.

Too cold.

Could you heat it up?

Hold still.

Easy there.

I can feel my bone.

Ow! What is this, an interrogation?

Oh, I'm sorry. Did that hurt?

See, this is just to remove the bacterias from the skin.

Ah! Ow!

What do you have that thing cranked up to?

It's on max. It's, um--

There can be no beauty without pain.

You know we offer laser hair removal.

I thought I'd mention it since I see

some little whiskers coming in here.

- Whiskers? - It's bad.

Bleaching is not doing it for you, no.

Ack!

Ooh. Ah.

Um, oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't looking.

I'm sorry. I wasn't looking.

I'm looking now.

Wait. Aren't you--?

Hertz Waters. How are you?

Yes, it's me.

Hi! I– I know.

I actually auditioned for one of your films.

- I don't-- - I do remember.

You were great. Wow.

I didn't get it.

I know.

I was reading a script the other day,

and I was thinking about you for the lead role.

Wow.

You're offering me the lead role?

Maybe.

Uh, it's a role of someone who's very attractive and sexy,

yet subtle and then aggressive.

There's something quiet about her,

and then something outlandish,

and there's a lot of extra disadvantages you have,

not retarded but casual.

Uh, honest and then lying. A cheetah.

Someone who doesn't want to do and then does.

Protruding. I made that up.

I'm gonna shoot it in one day, maybe more.

What do you think?

Oh, that sounds great.

Eight o'clock sounds like a good time for us to talk,

the two of us, about showbiz, your career.

What's happening? What didn't happen?

What's gonna happen? I'll take care of you.

I think you're fantastic. Tonight? Eight o'clock?

Oh, okay, Mr. Waters.

Call me Hertz Waters.

Okay, Mr. Hertz Waters.

I like your tan.

Ah. Oh.

It burns.

Don't make me laugh.

I'm gonna get you, Bobby,

if it's the last thing I do.

I come here a lot.

To sit, read,

and ponder.

Um, is this where we're doing the audition?

Why, is there something wrong with that?

- Uh, no. I'm-- - I'm okay.

Cool beans.

Well, if you'll excuse me for a moment.

Oh, my God. You're wearing a robe.

I know. Isn't it fantastic?

Uh-uh.

Oh, how rude of me.

So, um, here's the script and, um,

why don't you come over here?

We can get started.

Hey, I just want you to feel relaxed.

What are you doing?

Just a little character study.

Um, I've never done this kind of acting before.

Really? It's called method acting.

Okay, yeah, um, I'm officially creeped out.

You're hilarious.

Alexis, you make me so hot.

I can't hold back much longer!

I've had blue balls ever since I laid eyes on you!

Well, blue balls are better than black and blue balls

because I'm gonna kick your ass!

That's fantastic. Ha!

That's fantastic!

Aha! Ha! Ah.

Let's see.

No, I think you do it the other way.

- This way? - You, you--no. Wait.

What am I saying? Help!

Help!

Hey, you! Get away from my daughter.

What?

Yeah. Whoa!

You're goin' down.

Are you okay, honey?

Yeah, we're just getting started.

Oh, we are? Ouch!

I love you! I love you!

Ow! Okay. All right.

Hey. Hi. How are you?

Let's go. Your ride is waiting for you.

- Time to go. - You coming?

I am really embarrassed.

No, no, no. You shouldn't be embarrassed.

I'm the one who should be embarrassed.

I made an ass out of myself.

I have not acted like a father, and I apologize.

I've been a complete fool.

I've let you down, or you never would've been here.

I give you my word this will never happen again

because I'm always gonna be there for you.

I– Please accept my apology.

I love you, Dad.

I love you too, honey.

I broke up with Shari.

- Really? - Yeah, she--

She wasn't too excited either so, yeah.

So I guess you guys can still be friends.

And I apologized to your mom too.

It's gonna take a little longer, I think, with her,

but we're gonna go to Hawaii and talk, or whatever.

The therapist says that we need to, you know,

spice it up a little bit.

So I was thinking, I'll take these.

You know, see what happens.

I guess it's not a hundred percent my fault,

but I, you know, did what I did.

It's like fifty-one/forty-nine.

So I'll use these on your mom and see.

Dad, that's really inappropriate.

Yeah, it's gonna take me a while to be a perfect dad, and listen.

Listen, don't tell your mom about the midget, okay?

- I won't. - Let's get out of here.

Cheers.

To the end of that chapter of our lives.

And here's to writing the next chapter.

Whoo! Hoo hoo hoo!

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